Patreon Unlock: Conversational Improv

Are you ready for those cool holiday seasonal vibes that only bootleg Craig brings?

Well, your Thanksgiving wishes just came true, because I'm spinning some bonus gold.

In this newly freed Patreon episode, Matt, Adel, and Arnie do some improv.

Yep, that's it.

Well, stick around after to learn about how to support the show, or just go to patreon.com/slash magictavern to learn more right now.

But for now, listen to your favorite hosts, not not do their show.

Enjoy!

Placeholder theme song, placeholder theme song.

We don't have a song because we didn't think ahead.

I'm Matt Young, and I'm singing this instead.

Placeholder theme song.

Not the tavern, not, not the tavern.

Not the tavern, not, not the tavern.

Not the tavern, not not the tavern.

Hi everyone, we're trying something new tonight.

And we're gonna just, you know, wing it because that's what we do.

We are improvisers by trade and by training.

And tonight we present to you...

And to be clear, in your mind's eye, it doesn't have to be night.

That's true.

It could be anywhere, anytime.

Yeah.

But tonight, we're going to do some improv for you

like we would have done,

you know, 10, 15, even 20 years ago when we were first starting out.

Just young pups, just, you know, raw

dogs,

raw dogs.

Oh, there's got to be a better term than that.

I can't think of one, so I guess we'll go with raw dogs.

Okay, so we're raw dogging it.

And

yeah,

back in the day, you know, we were all performed on Herald Teams.io

and performed together in World News Tonight, long-running news satire improv show.

And we would take inspiration from the audience, from the articles we read, or just from conversing with each other like we're about to do now.

So Adel, Arnie, how have you been?

Been pretty good.

Just had a

not to date this episode, but the 4th of July just happened.

One of my least favorite holidays.

You literally just dated the episode.

Tonight?

There's farmers going off right now in the background.

Garrett, thank you so much.

And I think it's up there with New Year's Eve as one of my least favorite holidays.

I spent all of the time indoors comforting my cats as they have no idea what's going on.

How are you two doing?

What's going on with you two?

I was sick on the 4th of July.

I felt terrible.

That's my favorite Tom Cruise movie, by the way.

Sick on the 4th of July.

Yeah.

Unnecessary sequel, in my opinion.

Yeah, I just felt terrible.

So it was like that day.

We were supposed to go meet a friend at the beach and I was like,

I can't go anywhere.

I just feel bad.

And I was also supposed to be doing stuff around the house.

So it ended up being a very lazy day.

What about you, Arnie?

What was the fourth like?

The fourth was relatively nice.

I visited my family in Ohio with my daughter.

And we, you know, my daughter got to play with all their cousins.

And that was exciting.

I really am not a big Fourth of July person in general.

I don't enjoy fireworks.

Living in Chicago for a while has made me hate the constant sound of fireworks that you hear that time of year.

But

I went with my brother-in-law, Matt Cordarnier, who is Alyssa, who actually is a Patreon supporter, a great guy.

And we sat on the reservoir and watched the fireworks display from two different locations

from the small towns, downtown fireworks, and then also the country club fireworks.

So you could see both of them from the reservoir.

And Arnie, were that country club fireworks like kaboom?

Bing.

Exactly.

Explode.

The funniest thing was the kids, my daughter and my nephews, they basically just spent the entire

fireworks display time in a constant commentary about which fireworks display was better.

Whether it was sort of, they were constantly just they're just very invested in like, oh, the country club, I think the country club is doing better.

Wait, no, no, now the fairgrounds one, we think the fairgrounds one is doing better now.

And it was it was very delightful.

Big, big fan of this.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please please come into my office.

As the mayor of this small town,

it is my honor, but my duty, to make sure that we have the greatest Fourth of July celebration anywhere on earth.

Amen, Mayor McDaniel.

And can I just say,

last week, when I received the key to the city, I was beyond honored.

And

I have tried presenting that at every business.

In every business so far, I have gotten a free sample.

So thank you so much.

You've gone above and beyond.

You're very welcome, Belinda.

Your service

for running the post office for these past 30 years has been greatly appreciated.

And that's why I called you here today.

I appreciate that

i want to mail fireworks to every other neighboring town what do you think wait hold on i'm so sorry i'm so sorry to interrupt your honor you want male fireworks no

are you trying to gender the fireworks no uh no i i would like to ship fireworks to every neighboring town i want to shed fireworks I know I want the greatest fireworks.

Come on.

A penis firework that shits?

You might be onto something.

What are we doing?

And also, can I just say, it does feel a little unusual that you're both mayor and judge in town.

That feels like a conflict of interests, Your Honor.

Yeah, especially because you have been on trial a lot of the time that you've been in office.

Well, that's why I became a judge to make sure that my time in office was no longer hindered.

But

I think if we mail these fireworks in the shape of penises to every neighboring town, and then those fireworks shit all over the place, Like they explode and they're like, oh boy, there's going to be sparks and beautiful colors and then it's just shit everywhere.

Then our fireworks will be the best.

Look, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Your Honor.

I'm not a prude.

I'm going to be honest.

I'm not a prude.

And excuse me, Belinda.

No,

we're talking about things that are too crude.

No, I've been working at the post office for 30 years.

I have seen it all.

Do the fireworks have to both fuck and shit?

That's the thing.

Like, I'm fine with either but together well dr.

Samuelson that's why I called you here to find out what was medically possible well I am a shit and fuck doctor so I am an expert well ear nose throat shit and fuck doctor right yeah I know well in that order

you're an ENTSF come on

And look, they are the lowest of my specialties.

So I'm an INTJ, I believe.

Which are helpers, I think?

I think that's right.

Yeah.

If I may, if I may just offer up another option or something in addition.

I love the idea of male fireworks.

I mean, a lot of fireworks are already phallically shaped, but perhaps for the ladies, there could be something where it's like it's a firework that, you know, get shoot up in the air, and then 25 to 30 minutes later, it explodes.

Okay, okay, that's interesting.

So what's happening in the meantime?

You're thinking about baseball?

Yeah, baseball, grandmas.

Are you suggesting, Belinda, that we do fireworks display that involves just more than one firework going off?

I think this year we have the budget.

I think because we have been saving money, scrimping and saving on having a mayor who's also the court judge.

And the police.

And the entire police squad.

Also the jailer, the bailiff, the bondsman,

the local.

He does some of the catering.

Taxidermy, yes, all the catering.

Taxidermy, mortician, action.

I do love that the catering and the taxidermy are so close to each other.

Yeah.

I'm not a prude.

I'm not a good person.

I only got confused at one time.

But I think we have it in our budget to maybe have, you know, more than one firework this year.

I think that might be nice to hear a few.

Because

usually we have the one phallic firework that shoots in the sky.

It's just enough to inseminate the sky.

But you're suggesting a series of multiple fireworks going off, maybe

growing in intensity as they go.

Yes, I've seen it done.

I've read about it in books.

I've seen, I've read letters from people to

people in our town from elsewhere in the world where that happens.

And I feel like it is my goal.

to see that through.

I think.

And can I just say Belleville, Ohio's Our Little Towns, town motto, inseminate the sky.

I think

that might be the reason for our lack of tourism.

Not the point.

I'm just worried that you're getting a little too radical.

Like our sister city, DeVoe.

Well, there is Belleville, Belleville, and DeVoe.

It is so hard to say that.

Can I just say

Belleville, Davo?

Well, I don't think we're going to resolve this fireworks thing anytime soon.

I did respond to a call as a police officer last night registering a complaint that

our accents are nondescript.

Should we respond to that?

I'm worried.

Are people...

Can I say, I know there are several other people in this meeting.

Are people able to distinguish which of the three of us are talking at any given time?

I can always tell.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Secretary Goof, thank you so much.

What a weird man.

Mayor, how is you're investigating yourself

for irregular use of funds?

How is that investigation going?

Anything turn up?

I'm going to nail my ass to the wall.

Ooh.

Sounds fun.

As someone that specializes in fucking and shitting,

I can talk to you about that.

That sounds like

something they'd sell at Spencer's is like a license to fucking shit or something.

Where it's like, I got it.

I'm 14 years old and I have to have this.

It's a laminated fucking shit license from Spencer's Gift.

This piece of laminated paper says fuck and shit.

It has everything.

There's no way that's still a store, right?

Like, they've gone out of business.

Oh, it is.

It's still a story.

It is.

It is still a store.

In as much as malls still exist, which I guess is to a lesser degree, but they probably are one of the few things keeping malls alive.

Is it still the same sort of like weird mix of like penis pasta and posters?

Slightly naughty, and then like a t-shirt of the flash or some bullshit yes it's still black white posters and then also like nightmare before christmas t-shirts edible handcuffs

edible handcuffs

i i i think i read somewhere

it probably was just a tweet or tick tock The good thing about Spencer's gifts is that they are one of the few, in a lot of locations, the only place where you can get like a vibrator or a dildo.

Oh, interesting.

Really?

That's interesting.

Huh.

That makes me support Spencer Gibbs.

I know.

Who would have thought?

Sadly.

But the problem is that that vibrator or a dildo has a Tasmanian devil on it.

Well, I mean, it makes you go blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Guys, am I giving too many details?

Am I giving us too much inspiration for scenes?

Maybe.

You go in there.

No, no, no.

You go.

You go.

You go.

I can't go.

I can't.

I'm so...

I'd be so embarrassed.

I can't.

Let's just go.

Okay, let's just go together.

I'm sorry.

I see you kids lingering outside my store.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Yeah, you can come on in.

You're, you're, look, to be clear,

you look like you're at least 18 years old, correct?

Uh yeah yeah.

Yeah.

All right, well come on into the dildo store.

We'll just go in together.

Oh.

Uh so

um

I already have so many dildos.

Should I um I just what do you get for the guy who's got everything

in this space?

Usually people don't want a lot of conversation, but I am also happy to help you if you need some help in your dildo shopping.

Dildo shopping.

Todd, he said dildo shopping.

I guess so.

Pardon us one second.

Do you think

do you think we should ask if it's okay to buy

ten of them at the same time?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's ask like what what's what's like the normal amount and then also when we like do we buy two and make them kiss or what do we I don't know right right make but subtly subtly make sure we know how to what we're doing.

So sir, what is the bulk discount?

The bulk discount?

Are we talking like girth?

Sure.

Well, I was like,

because normally you buy like a dozen or so, right?

Like a case.

Can we get a case of dildos?

Well, I suppose I get them in bulk.

I mean, not.

If you want, I mean, I guess I'd have to calculate.

We don't really have a sort of discount.

You know, we don't have like...

I've been thinking about doing a punch card where the more dildos you buy, eventually you get a free dildo.

Okay.

That sounds Mr.

Dildo, that sounds good.

We'll take one of those.

Thank you.

I assume your name.

Please, Mr.

Dildo is my father.

Really?

Yeah.

Look at this painting.

It looks a lot like me.

Arthur C.

Dildo.

Arthur C.

Dildo.

I'm just...

Little Artie Dildo.

Artie with a T.

Sometimes people always want to call me Arnie.

That is not my name.

What kind of name is that?

I'm interested.

Terrible name.

Terrible name.

Awful name.

Can we be honest with you, sir?

You've been so helpful.

Yeah, there's no.

I would prefer you didn't lie.

Our friends dared us to come here because

we were making fun of somebody and we kept calling them a dildo.

And then

they said, Do you even know what that is?

And we don't.

Jeremy and I never learned

what it was.

So

can you

explain it in great detail to us right now?

Yeah, give us like a breakdown.

How much detail are we talking?

Like from on a scale of one to a hundred, how much detail do you want?

It seems like your dad invented them, so you would know everything about it.

Dare I say in-depth, sir?

Are you like the Iron Man of dildos?

Like your dad invented the thing, but then like you took it to the next level?

No, but this dildo here, here, let me pull it off.

This is the Iron Man, uh, is the name of the dildo.

Wow.

It's like a Marvel sponsored.

Not in, no, no, no, no, no.

In no way related.

No, we've already had some legal issues.

We had to make it clear there is no hyphen or there is a hyphen, whatever is the opposite of what the real Irish

comic book Iron Man is.

What's that?

I said you should look into that, sir.

Seems like a pretty tight rope to walk.

Oh, also, look, a Hulkbuster.

But to be clear, it's a different shade of green.

It is in no way actually

Marvel adjacent.

It's just coincidentally happens to be evocative words that are similar.

He has like a CFO.

And I'm sure, sir, it's a different kind of bust as well.

Yes.

Exactly.

Oh, yeah.

Sir, could you explain to us like...

Here's the Spider-Man No Way Home.

Okay, that seems real dangerous.

Yeah,

you're really going to get in a lot of trouble here, I'm afraid.

Disney, they'll sue anybody.

They'll probably sue us for

this.

This conversation, sir.

That's right.

I forgot.

You're a little Billy.

Billy Tomlin?

Yes.

Your father's the IP lawyer?

That's right.

And this is my friend Jeremy.

We don't know what dildos are.

Look, how about this?

So you want to know what a dildo is?

Basically, it's a sexual aid.

What?

Yeah, it's a sex thing.

You didn't even know it was a sex thing.

That's like, what level, like, what are your, how about this?

Can I have some guesses?

What are your guesses as to what a dildo is?

Well, I once tried to Google it before my dad caught me and took away my internet privileges.

And what I found was that the dildo was a

southern hemisphere bird.

that went extinct in the 1920s and was known for its provocative beak, long neck, and and appearance in Lewis Carroll literature, sir.

Hmm.

When you were googling it, were you googling it very fast?

So fast.

To try fast.

Yeah, to try and beat my dad from coming in, but he caught me, sir.

It's always a race.

Jeremy, it was, whenever he gets home, it's a sprint to the computer to see if he can Google something before his dad shows up.

It's so stressful.

It is so stressful.

I assumed it was like a brass instrument, like one of the ones you don't hear about.

like tuba, oboe, dildo.

Yeah.

I guess oboe isn't a brass, but you know what I mean.

It's like an orchestra instrument.

But then as soon as we came here and walked up to the store, I kind of figured, oh, this

seems like where a sex thing would happen.

I mean, look, in simplest terms,

this is a little bit reductive because a dildo can be so much more than this, but a dildo is essentially

a penis.

It's an artificial penis.

It's a replacement for a penis.

Whoa.

So if you're a penny.

Or a supplement for a penis.

Or,

you know, if you don't like penises at all, that's also fine, too.

It's complex.

You would think I'd have a better pattern for this.

You'd think, oh, guys.

Oh, Jesus.

Well, it's true.

Sometimes when you're so deep into a thing, it's hard to like.

Don't say it like that.

Do you have like a shelf?

You know how, like, when you go to Walden Books or B.

Dalton, there's like a staff recommendations.

Do you have like a staff recommendations?

Yeah, the

here.

This is one of the ones we're trying to offload right now: is the Doctor Strange into the Multiverse of Madness.

Don't say offload, sir.

Do you think you leave this store to your son?

No,

that's the thing.

the store is not doing well and i'm not i'm gonna be honest with you i'm not doing well it i don't know how to improve it most of my customers

are kids that are just old enough to be in here so it's not weird or just kids coming in who don't really know what a dildo is or they kind of know what a dildo is that happens a lot and you can't explain it any better than that i know i've had this conversation 20 times a week for the last 10 years Wow, your cheeks are so red, sir.

I know.

Sir, I don't know if this is a hassle, but when we were dared to come in here and they are watching,

they're over at the

Gadzuk's right

across the mall there.

They also dared us to try and get you to lick one of the dildos.

Would you mind doing that, sir?

In my defense, I thought it was an instrument.

Why would that be a fun thing to get me to do if it were something, if it were an instrument?

I just thought they wanted to embarrass you.

Thought it'd be funny.

I don't know.

Yeah, a lot of the dares are to knock you down a peg, sir.

I shouldn't have said peg.

I'm sorry.

Wrong.

Knock you down a rung.

Man, it is so hard to not say sex words when talking about a dildo.

Yeah.

It's almost like our brains, especially in the last 10 years, have been trained to hear every possible dirty sounding phrase.

It's trained, rotted.

It's all gravy.

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It's all gravy.

It is funny.

It is funny that

I mean, this is not a judgment because I've enjoyed this a lot.

But it's like, man,

those both went blue pretty quick.

Yeah, that's my fault.

It isn't your fault.

It isn't your fault.

But it is like a funny thing of like.

But it also, like, I think it's not to like navel gaze too much, but I think it does speak to the way the show kind of works: of like, oh, kind of like mixing a weird, mundane thing with, like, a slightly salacious thing is always like a fun

thing to do.

Like, uh,

just the idea that your dad was

Mr.

Dildo, I think is really funny.

Uh, and just like art, little arty dildo, yeah, and like all the things that were just like about like kind of how sad your life was and like how kind of clueless we were.

Like, it was really more about that

with this weird backdrop.

So, I find that to be like a fun, silly way to do comedy.

Um,

not that, not that we need to fucking talk about comedy and break it all down.

It's funny with the fireworks scene.

I also, when you said, is it possible to mail fireworks?

I almost jumped on because I was like, oh, male fireworks, like gendered fireworks.

And I almost jumped on it.

And then Arnie did.

And I was like, whoa, awesome.

So it is fun to be like,

you know, an improv, a lot of times if there's like a weird thing that presents itself or a slight

or zag.

Yeah.

Like to be like, let's play with this.

If we, if we all heard that, let's all play with it versus being like, sweep it under the rug and pretend it wasn't said or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, which is just a happy accident because it's like we were.

Here's an advantage we have: is like we are Usador and Chunt and Arnie, and like that doesn't change.

So we always have this like default now.

But like, I was in that moment, I was like, oh shit, right.

I have to say, like, who Adel is.

It's like, you're Belinda, you work at the post office, blah, blah, blah.

And I was like, and that led to mailing the fireworks.

Like, it's just like a, it's such a funny, weird little.

Yeah.

And I was like, I can't be Arnie Kneecamp.

I'll be Artie Dildo.

You did it.

That's my fault.

I said Arthur C.

Dildo.

That just because I thought that was fun.

I don't know why that popped in my head of all things.

I hope the next Magic Tavern episode we recorded, we accidentally call you Little Artie Dildo.

Arthur C.

Dildo, the author of a 2001 dildos.

It's a very salacious but thought-provoking book.

Did you guys ever

read those books?

I kind of went through a sci-fi phase growing up, and

I think I did read one of them, like 2000, but one of the

farther off ones, and it made zero sense to me.

Yeah.

I had a similar experience with Dune where I read the first, and I'm like, this is great.

I'm really into this.

And then I picked up the second book.

I'm like, I don't give a shit about this at all.

Sometimes books just don't need sequels.

And I think like series like, sometimes a series like that, like there's probably a lot to dig into and appreciate about the world building and all the stuff that ends up happening.

But like

sometimes I just like that first experience is just like so good.

And then it's just really tough to recapture it.

But everything is a fucking franchise now.

My experience with sci-fi was similar to my experience with fantasy, which is I was never as into hard sci-fi or hard fantasy.

Like when it was like really fully the most of that genre, I always liked it more when it touched closer to our own reality.

So either actually genre bending, like humans falling into magical worlds, or just something just a little bit closer to a contemporary setting that had sci-fi elements in it.

Like Knight Rider.

Like Knight Rider.

Mr.

Zegnilli, please come on in.

Would you like a water or a coffee or anything like that?

Do you have a flavored seltzer?

I'm sure we can find one.

We'll have somebody.

Watermelon, please.

Oh, perfect.

Yeah, we'll look into that.

So, my partner, Dave, and I, we here at Puffin Publishing, we want to be in the business of you.

We read your script.

We read your book.

We want to publish it.

We want to expand the world.

We want to make it a whole universe.

Now, tell us a little bit more about

the world you're building.

Now, we get already that the Zetlians are aliens.

Yeah.

Right.

And we get that Mr.

Zamboni is sort of a fish out of water, an earthling who finds himself in this strange world.

Yeah, what I really wanted to explore in this book was

the way that

a person

who

is unaccustomed to a culture has to experience that culture.

So he experienced that culture through a fresh set of eyes.

And

I sort of flip, you know, the the normal paradigm with that:

it turns out that he's right to judge their culture because it's kind of a terrible culture.

And that culture is sort of a commentary on our modern Western culture and all of kind of like America.

So it's not really about

punching down, it's about punching up

to kind of look at ourselves by putting this veneer over

the alien race.

Sure.

Can you

I'm so sorry.

Could you excuse my partner and I for just a moment?

Sure.

Is that watermelon seltzer on its way?

It's coming, I think.

It's coming for sure.

Yeah.

Can I just say, we've been talking about this all week.

I've been so excited for him to come in.

Yeah.

Love the book.

Yes.

Excited about the book.

Yes.

The possibilities of it.

But when I hear him explain what it's about, I'm starting to hate it.

Yeah, my eyes glazed over like a shark and i was thinking about everything else in the world except for his book yeah it's like there's something about him i hate so much it's making me hate something i already love which is this book yes i almost punched him is that crazy i almost punched him too i oh exactly we were both thinking the same thing at the same time that is i mean that's why we're so was the wrong thing to do not to do it I think we should have punched him, you know,

but the moment is past.

The moment's past.

We can't do that.

I don't feel inauthentic.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, let's see if maybe we can.

I don't know if he can sign over the rights or what we, you know, if we publish it and just not

have him murdered or something.

I just worry that he's, I just think this book is so great.

Yeah.

He's going to spoil it.

If he can spoil it for us, he'll spoil it for the world.

Yes, yes.

I mean, murder equals money.

You know, look at Capodian in cold blood.

That's true.

He famously did that murder and then wrote about it.

It's true.

Yeah, everything I, I mean, I only, I don't, I haven't haven't read the book, but I think everything you're saying is right.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, he's staring at us, so we should.

Okay, so

we were chatting.

Great.

We absolutely love the book.

Thank you.

Love the book.

Love the book.

We love the aliens with veneers or whatever you said.

But

we want to know how attached are you to

ownership, to claiming that you wrote this?

Oh, well, I definitely want to get credit.

I'd love to see it published.

And I actually came here today because I thought you were excited about publishing it.

And I have some other book ideas if you'd like to hear them.

Oh, shit, Dave.

It kind of sounds...

I want to punch this.

Okay.

Is everything alright?

No, it's fine.

We just,

you know, we just have to look at all angles of this.

And it sounds like...

You know, you said that this book is reflective of sort of occidental current events.

So we just...

What's going on?

I'm sort of parched.

Is anyone working on that watermelon seltzer?

Your lips are sticking to the top of your gums.

You look

fucking more.

I just want to punch this guy.

I'm sorry.

So let's get you that punch, that watermelon punch.

Yeah, let's get him that punch.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No Hawaiian punch.

I can't have that much sugar.

I'll be up all night.

How old are you?

I am 34 years old.

Okay.

I am a lot older.

I don't drink processed sugars.

Do you own a TV?

I own a small portable black and white TV that I occasionally watch the news on.

Jesus Christ.

Isn't that hard to do?

Yeah, that's why I read.

So say your family was a story.

Is there anyone in the story of your family that would

come looking for like

anyone in your life?

Well, I'm sort of

between relationships right now is how I'd categorize it.

My family all died in a fire when I was three months old.

Oh, I'm

sorry.

No, it's okay.

The great thing is I never knew him.

I don't really miss him, you know?

And so I felt a little bit like Mr.

Zamboni growing up in this world, you know, sort of a fish out of water who had to experience things.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Don't talk about Mr.

Zamboni, please.

It upsets me because I love Mr.

Zamboni.

He's sort of like just a veiled version of me.

Okay,

let's not ever say that again

if we can avoid it.

Can I ask, I don't know if this is too personal,

where were you when the fire killed your parents?

Well, I was three months old,

but that's out of place.

Right, right.

You didn't ask, where were you in your life?

Well, you know,

I was young, but I was thinking a lot about the world and kind of becoming accustomed to how my feet and arms worked.

So I was spending some time in Tibet then.

With a grandmother.

And three months old.

Yes.

With my paternal grandmother's good friend.

Just say grandma's.

No, it was a good friend.

All my family died in that fire.

Oh, Oh, all your family?

Yeah, all of them.

Huh, seems like a...

They were at a family reunion.

It was a barbecue.

It was a cookout.

And someone mailed them

a series of fireworks that turned into shots.

I read about that, yeah.

And

it caught on fire and killed them all.

I'm so sorry.

I read about that.

I remember years ago seeing that in the paper as a high schooler.

And I remember SNL did a really,

really funny sketch about it.

And I'm so sorry that that went viral.

Well, like I said, I was so young, it doesn't really affect me emotionally.

But

yeah, that fireworks poison, I thought was pretty funny.

I mean, Rachel Dratch.

Great.

Now

he's ruining the sketch for me.

I love that sketch so much.

Scene.

Can I say, before I forget,

when that scene started, I was practically clutching my chair because, you know, you guys were starting about talking about this science fiction thing.

And my instinct was to immediately be like,

we want you to add tits to this book.

Like, just something.

Not because that's inherently what the scene needed.

It's that weird thing where we established this pattern, then we talked about the pattern.

And then I was like, well, let's do something different.

But it struck me that it would be just very funny to just immediately railroad it in that direction.

But

for better or worse, I didn't do that.

That would have been very good.

I think it all worked out in the end.

It all worked out.

Yeah.

I think it all worked out in the end.

It all worked out.

Yeah.

We got a call back to

Fireworks shooting shit or whatever.

That's what the pros do.

This is fun.

We should do this more often.

Yes.

And we could even do some world news where we bring in some news articles of today's hard-hitting stories.

Oh, gosh, that seems not fun at all.

The World's News?

Oh.

This episode will come out, not to date it again, but about probably a month after this happens.

But there is an upcoming World News Tonight

reunion show

that's like the 21st anniversary.

of the show.

And I'm

I haven't done that show in a long time.

I'm a little nervous about it.

It seems like a little, I don't know, there was always terrible stuff in the news, and we always somehow did it.

But it seems like the news is harder to do now.

It's always funny over the years, and you guys were in the shower, you know, longer than I've been, but it's, it's always funny and interesting and hard when you pull, because the audience, if people who are listening don't know, the premise of World News Tonight is the audience gets on stage before the show starts, and they cut out news articles that pique their interest, and they pin them to a corkboard.

And then eventually, we, the cast, take the stage, we rip down those articles, read them aloud, and then do scenes inspired by them.

So often, there's articles that are just awful, like the worst thing you can imagine.

And when you're grabbing an article, sometimes you're not looking, you're just editing, and you grab an article, and then you start to read it, and the audience goes, Oh, like they will groan.

And it's a thing of like, you did this.

And it's such a

it is sort of a Houdini trick of like, how do we get out of this kind of thing?

So there is, there can be a joy to figuring out a way to do comedy out of the scene and not touch on the things we don't want to touch on.

But it is always frustrating to be like, you caused this and then you're like groaning at what you did.

It's just, it's, it's an apt metaphor for the.

And that sort of reminds me what is so fun about that show is that magic trick of like, what, what detail are we picking up on?

The audience is like, oh, this is a terrible article about a tragedy of some kind.

And instead, we're like, okay, let's break it down into its component pieces, maybe, and like examine one of those things.

And it's better and more palatable.

And sometimes we dealt with hard stuff, but you know,

it's about really truly using his inspiration.

So that's, that's fun.

One thing I always appreciated, I feel like I really came, like, learned from doing World News for such a long time.

I mean, there's an endless number of things I learned from doing World News for a long time.

But I really appreciate how it gave me a skill to kind of go into

dicey subject matter

and sort of one

pick an approach.

Like, there's always an approach to it that is more respectful.

Yeah.

But most importantly, to like not abandon my moral compass, right?

Because of the premise of a joke, right?

Like, that doesn't mean you play yourself or anything like that, but like to go into circumstances.

and I always felt, especially, and that cast was so great, like performing with everybody, but I also often think of like performing with Jordan, performing with Steve Valteen, like these people who will have a take.

And it's never this thing where you sometimes experience with a less experienced improv group, maybe when you're coming up, where you're sort of like, we all are very good intentioned, but how have we, we're suddenly tiptoeing into this thing that I find morally objectionable, like not on purpose, like trying to do satire about something or like, let's do a scene about how racism is bad.

And then halfway through, you're like, I think this is starting to become a little bit racist, but we're all yes-anding ourselves into this terrible place.

And I feel like doing

world news really helped me kind of hold on to what was important for myself and not sell that out

in a scene for laughs.

Yeah.

Not never perfectly, but like, but it helped.

For sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was just like,

yeah, and it was like, it felt like a great group of people that you all,

everyone brought something to the table, but everyone brought something different that made it really special.

I was thinking we should do one more scene, but then I

forgot how I was going to start it.

Well, everyone brought something to the table.

Everyone brought something special.

Let's go around and let's

say what dish we made.

I'll start, I guess, since I brought it up.

The sort of blue crock pot down towards the middle there.

That is my famous ambrosia salad.

Now, I know a few people when I was putting it out and uncovering it, didn't know what ambrosia salad is.

It is diced apples, marshmallow, maraschino cherry,

and orange, peeled oranges.

So that's what I brought.

That is

Stephen's dish.

Thank you, Stephen.

Thanks, Stephen.

It sounds delicious, but why did you put it in a crock pot if you just wasn't cooked?

I.

This is my year of no dishes.

I'm not doing dishes.

Okay.

So

I'm trying to get creative.

That's smart.

That's smart.

Well, I guess I can go next.

I think everyone knows me, but I'm Amber.

And.

Hi, Amber.

Hi, Amber.

Hi, Stephen.

Hi, everyone.

I

brought

my famous

potatoes augraten.

That's right.

Oh, you looked at a little note card.

Yeah, well,

I love making this dish, and I love eating it.

It's so rich and decadent and cheesy,

creamy, but,

you know, I feel like a fool, but sometimes I don't say the word right.

Oh, how do you do that?

If I don't look at the card and say, potatoes ograten,

it'll come out weird, and then I'll feel like a fool.

Do you have it spelt phonetically, or how do you manage that?

Yeah, I had Phoebe come over and spell it for me and put it on this card, so it's Phoebonetically.

Phoebe?

I forgot your neighbor is Phoebe Cates.

That must be so interesting.

Her stories are wild.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's it for me.

Amber.

Thank you, everyone.

Great.

Thank you, Amber.

I'll go next.

Hi, everybody.

Hi.

I brought napkins

and a two-liter.

Did you do your name?

What's that?

I know there's three of us that we all know.

Oh, sorry.

Gordon.

Gordon.

Hi, I'm Gordon.

Hi, Gordon.

I brought napkins

and most of a two liter of Dr.

Pepper.

And cups.

Okay.

I just, I don't really cook.

And also, also,

you know, you always need these things.

So.

How much Dr.

Pepper do you think is left?

I would say

a liter and a half.

Okay.

Just to eyeball it.

Although it's tough, right?

Because the top is, you know, it's never exactly what you think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not a perfect cylinder.

Yeah.

It looks, I'm just eyeballing it, but it does look flat.

It might be a little flat.

It has been in my refrigerator for a a couple of days.

I got it for this specifically.

Yeah.

But then

I forgot and I did pour myself a glass a couple of days ago.

Pour, didn't drink directly out of the two liter.

And then I put it back in.

But I sealed it as tight as I could.

I thought maybe that would save the carbonation.

But maybe, maybe it didn't do a great job.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Also, I have been thinking a lot about heroin still.

Uh-oh.

Oh.

Just wanted to say.

I just felt like I should say that.

No.

I haven't done it, but I'm still just thinking.

I know we're doing this part.

I know we're doing this part of the meeting right now.

Yeah.

But I just, and I don't want to jump past this part to the other part.

No, no.

Well, that's why for this,

you know, our group's Thanksgiving, that's why we didn't have any cold turkeys because we felt like that was kind of spitting in the face of the goal here of everyone's progress.

It's a real trigger.

So it feels like

we didn't bring horseradish.

You were going to bring horseradish?

Well, I had a big tub of horseradish.

Let's just call it a big tub of horses.

Let's call it somebody here.

Can we just say H-radish?

This is counterproductive.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Counterproductive.

So,

yes, thank you all for being here.

And I feel like this is.

It's the same reason I had to have my basketball court removed.

You can play mouse.

There's other types of basketball games you can play.

I just hired a bulldozer.

bulldozer.

Huh.

I guess I could have just, you know, taken it down.

Yeah.

I just bulldozed the entire driveway.

Sometimes a clean slate is the best slate.

So let's not, yeah, let's not

be too harsh on ourselves.

There's no need to do that.

No, that's a funny movie.

Clean slate?

Clean slate.

Is it?

Is that

Sana Carvey?

Oh, yeah.

I love when he does Biden or Dennis Miller or Johnny Carson.

Oh, yeah.

he did a really funny Johnny Carson.

I remember that.

Yeah.

Is there a younger group I could be a part of?

I'm sorry.

Because I'm so sorry.

And maybe this isn't the right time.

I've just been.

You guys have been great.

It's been very supportive.

I just wonder if there is a younger meeting I could be going to that is maybe a little less potluck and

no

focus.

P-luck.

You can say P-luck.

P-luck.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Thank you.

Just want to avoid that.

Well, I know we just have a couple of sides and some Dr.

Pepper,

but I want to say that I am.

And napkins.

And napkins.

And I just wanted to say I am thankful for the two of you, Gordon and Stephen.

And I find that this time of year can be difficult

because, you know, family events can make you really stressed out.

So I don't go see my family anymore because then I want to do

H.

So I don't do H anymore.

That's the reason I don't.

I'm thankful.

Yeah.

Amber, thank you for sharing.

And that's, and just to

piggyback on that,

that's why I don't drive on Lakeshore Drive

because it reminds me of my addiction.

the trippy weirdness that I went through every day of my life to sort of, you know, escape my situation.

And I'm sorry if I kind of reacted poorly when you guys are talking about SNL.

I don't like to watch SNL because of Molly Shannon.

Gordon, please.

That's fine.

I mean, he didn't mean to.

And, you know, SNL,

you know, they have their moments.

Of course, we all remember Rachel Dratch,

you know, during the shit fireworks explosion sketch.

We all love that.

So funny.

So funny.

So funny.

Maybe the best of all time.

Yeah.

I've seen it on TikTok.

Wow, you are young.

Yeah, can't you tell?

I'm pretty authentically young seeming, right?

Yeah.

Oh my gosh, you could teach us about TikTok.

Please, go ahead.

Explain it all to us.

So how much detail from like one to 100, how much detail do you want?

Would you want about as much detail as explaining a dildo or

less than that?

Well, I mean, should we just give you like a baseline of our current understanding?

Yes, don't say baseline.

Both of you tell me what you think TikTok technology.

I assume it's a clock-themed application for your computer.

No, none of those words.

I assume it's an app that times you

and how long it takes for you to sort of do a dance.

Well, okay.

It's fun.

I guess closer.

No,

it's a social media platform.

You're looking at note cards.

That,

you know, is currently in the process of being banned by the U.S.

government.

It has, you know, you just watch short videos of people.

You know, it used to be mostly dancing, but it's a lot of other things.

What kind of things?

Like songs and poems?

Literature?

Sci-fi?

Fantasy?

Cromcom.

Comrom?

Mm-hmm.

Dramedies?

Karama.

Bromances?

Mm-hmm.

Did you say bromances, Amber?

Yeah.

I love a bromance movie.

They're so funny.

They're so funny.

Oh, they're so funny.

When two guys,

you know, when two...

To be clear, there is not another meeting I could be going to?

I don't think so.

No, it's a pretty small town.

We are in Davo, Ohio, and as you know, the population is, unfortunately, 69.

Nice, nice.

What do you think?

Sorry?

Oh, no, sorry.

He just said nice for some reason.

What were we talking about?

What were we saying?

Well, this is a nice number.

Go on.

Oh, I, you know, thank you for reading your note cards about TikTok to us.

That really helped me a lot.

It sounds like a fun place to go and learn about dances and maybe even get some recipes for things like Po,

Tatozo,

Grayton.

Oh, damn it.

Sweetie, use the note cards if you need to.

Ah, sorry.

And I want to applaud us all for not using M rooms in any of our dishes.

I think that was

again, just really tactful and tasteful of everyone.

So let's

dig in.

We have potatoes like rotten, ambrosia salad, and Dr.

Pepper.

Yeah, I'm sorry about the Dr.

Pepper.

I really prefer Diet Coke, but I figured that that was a no-go.

Here, let me rub some of this ambrosia salad all over my tits.

Amber!

We were all thinking it.

Now, Matt,

Matt, having performed with you for

a long time in World News and everything else,

the way you end most scenes is by rubbing something on your tits.

Yeah, that's my go-to.

I think about half...

Half of the Magic Tavern episodes end like that, right?

Yeah, I haven't cut most of those out, unfortunately.

No, we edited it before he used to rub something something on his teeth.

How about this?

After the credits for this, we'll have a super cut of all the times Yusidor ended an episode saying they were going to rub things on Texas.

Wow, Arnie, a supercut.

That implies at least 20.

I mean, here's the thing.

We could do 20 or we could have it for all 400 episodes.

It hurt to do it once in this episode already.

I'm going to be honest.

But I had to call back Arnie's non-callback.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, from myself, Arnie, and old Ambrosia Tits,

we thank you for subscribing to the Patreon.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And if we do this again, maybe it will be less dirty.

Maybe it'll be more dirty.

And maybe we'll ask you all for some suggestions of scenes you might want to see or locales you might want to see some information.

On a scale of 1 to 100, tell us how dirty you wanted the next one to be.

Arnie, are all your scales 1 to 100?

1 to 100.

This is 10 and 1.

Fascinating.

How granular does it need to be?

What's the difference between an 83 and an 86?

I just did it in the first scene as 1 to 100 because I thought that was funny, but then every time afterwards, it had to be 1 to 100, basically.

Pretty great.

Pretty great.

Because I love it.

It's like, I don't know, like a 72.

And it's like, oh, boy, how does that differ from a 7?

I know.

It's terrible.

Well, you two guys are the best.

This was fun.

And hopefully we'll do it again soon.

Bye, everyone.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Usidor, what are you doing?

You can't grab that cream pie.

I literally just stopped recording.

No!

Abrupt ending.

Whoa, man.

Can you believe they just made all that up on the spot?

Let old bootleg give this improv a try.

Poop, poop.

Poop, poop, poop.

Fart.

Fart.

Fart.

Hey, hey, it's not that hard.

Episode improvised by...

Episode improvised by Arnie Niecamp, Adle Rify, and Matt Young.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate Producer, Anna Hoverman.

Special Assistance by Ryan DiGeorgi.

This episode was edited by Garrett Schultz.

Logo by Alard LeBon.

Theme by Matt Young.

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Stay loose, kiddies.

I'll have another sweet release for you in a few weeks.

Ciao.