Patreon Unlock: Book Club: Pippi Longstocking

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But if you're a bootlegger like me, you gotta wonder what I've got for you today.

We here at HFTMT have our finger on the pulse.

We know that people love to read.

Nah, not doom-scrolling on your phone.

Books.

And what better than a classic children's book?

That's right, The Book Club is back with Chunt, Usidor, Arnie, Flower, and Pippi Longstalking.

Uh, Usidor, will you help me move this table?

Just get things.

Where do you want it?

Over there.

Oh, that's a different spell.

I'm moving it.

I'm moving it myself.

I'm just ready.

I got the point.

I don't like to hear that.

Okay.

Anyway, I was just setting up for

our book club.

Oh, yes.

I read about the demon spawn Pippi Longstocking.

Yeah, she's some sort of tiny witch, right, Arnie?

Well, she...

Look, we're doing Pippi Longstocking because in Marsh Magic, I included from Earth Pippi Longstocking, who I know I don't really know that much about, as a magic user from Earth.

People were going crazy for Pippi in our Patreon,

in the comments section and on the Discord.

So we finally decided to read Pippi Longstocking.

And it's a valid question.

I feel like maybe the first question we're going to try to tackle, is Pippi a

demon?

A demon.

A demon from hell.

Yes.

I'd say a witch from hell.

A witch from hell?

Yeah.

Just a whimsical neighbor?

You know, I sort of think that maybe she's a manic pixie dream neighbor.

Hmm.

Well, I don't know, Arnie.

Let me...

I thought the table could use a little sprucing up.

The table's so bland.

So I got this flower to put in the middle of the table.

Just a nice little centerpiece.

Oh, shit.

Oh, Chinese.

Of all the flowers.

Of all the flowers.

Okay, you caught me in the middle.

I was stretching.

Oh.

You're stretching.

I was stretching.

It's like, I listen, I'm trying to do more stretches before I do anything.

Because you know you get hurt if you don't do that.

So I'm sorry.

I heard you read a book.

Yes,

we all read Pippi Longstocking, a book from Earth.

I read it too.

You read it?

I read it too.

Let me tell you what.

This is...

I'm going to tell you a true fact.

Every time we've done Book Club, I have never read the book.

not once

not once but i i always cheated

that would explain why most of your observations were things like fuck that bitch

pretty much pretty much that's me

i mean i think i don't know that reading or not reading the book would have changed those observations yeah no no i scammed and then i like kind of talked to some people i talked to my friend cliff He gave me some notes on what was going on in the book.

But this time, I heard y'all were talking about it and I said,

I'm doing two things.

I'm going to stretch.

Okay.

And I'm going to start reading books.

Wow.

Oh, and Arnie, this is on me.

After I read my copy of Pippi Longstocking, I buried the book.

Because again, I thought she was a witch.

So Flower must have snagged it with the roots.

Yeah, I found your dirty ass book.

I put it out in the woods, just in case any other kids want to find it.

Yeah, I found some of the other shit that was out there, too.

Oh.

Barely 80.

Arnie, do you remember when you gave us that

screenwriting seminar?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

For me and Chunt, and

you kept talking about save the cat.

Save the cat.

You gotta save the cat.

Well, Pippi saves the cat in like chapter 10.

She like saves two little boys in a burning building, which seems late to me, based on

what you told us about.

Save the cat.

The rest of the time,

it seems like this is a cover story, right?

Her mother passed away when she was very young.

Yes.

Her father was swept off a boat into the sea.

And she probably,

let's all be honest.

Yeah.

Probably dead.

Probably, almost certainly dead.

Because I kept expecting, and look, I don't know.

Do we, I guess we,

we don't necessarily have to go in some kind of chronological order here, but like, am I the only one that spent the whole book being like, I guess the father's going to show up at some point?

At the end, maybe?

That would presume that anything happens in this book at fucking all.

I can't stress enough.

Here in Foon, in real life, or in literature, if you don't see a body, that means they're dead.

Right?

But what if they're setting it up for the sequel?

Like, what if this is all just kind of like said now?

Because I will say this is...

I read a book, but this is not a book.

This is a series of situations.

Yes.

Strung together by a thin thread.

Wait, you just described our podcast.

Yep.

A series of situations strung together by a thin.

Oh, shit.

Are we pipping long?

Are you pippi longstar?

Am I?

Wait, who's the pippy here?

I guess it's me.

Ani.

Ani, lift up this horse.

Well, hold on.

That was a tiny horse with a top hat.

Yeah, and I could barely lift it.

You still didn't really lift it.

You need to warm up to it.

Oh, my arms.

Yeah, it looks like you have a...

Ooh, it looks like you have a hernia.

I can tell from your pants.

Stop looking at my hernia.

That horse is letting you.

That horse is helping.

He's gone limp.

Any, I agree with you.

I believe that the father is dead and gone,

even though she purports that he has become the king of the cannibals and that she will someday become the princess of the cannibals, which is gruesome.

Yeah.

And I also want to point out that I think this whole thing is a cover story.

I think the ground opened up.

Fire and brimstone spewed out of the ground and then Pippi Longstocking came out of that hole in the the ground directly from hell.

That's why her hair is red.

Yes, of course.

Everyone from hell who has red hair, everyone who's red hair is from hell.

We all know this.

Hell hair.

Oh, and Flower, you're not wrong.

Arnie, looking in the book, it says there are other Pippi books you'll enjoy, including Pippi in the South Seas,

which maybe she finds her dad because her dad went overboard, and then Pippi goes on board.

Wait, he went overboard, and then she goes on board?

Oh,

does this mean we have have to read more of these books?

That's what I was going to say.

Can the four of us make a solemn promise we won't do a book club about these other two Pippi Longstocking books?

I see.

What if there's another one?

So it's what?

Pippi Longstocking, Pippi South Seas, Pippi on Board.

And then another one is just like, Pippi, you know what?

Forget about the dad.

Not worth it.

Pippi scared, stupid.

Pippi scared.

Pippi goes to prison.

Pippi saves Christmas?

Mm-hmm.

It's the best one.

Arnie,

I didn't want to bring it up because I know that they're rivals.

But next book club, we should read, I mean, Wile Potatoes.

The Rat with a Wand in him just wrote an autobiography.

So

if we're looking for something next time.

Oh, yeah.

What's it called?

What's his autobiography called?

Arnie, I don't know.

He just said he wrote it.

Oh.

What do you think it's called?

Rats Why I Did It?

The Power Within.

So wait, his name's Wiley Potatoes.

You know Wile Potatoes, the rat with the wand inside him?

I've heard of him.

I don't know him.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this is Wile Potatoes, the rat with the wand inside of him.

He won our March Magic

bracket.

Mm-hmm.

And he's,

I think he's been on the podcast.

Flower's making the same noises as you would hear her make when we were talking about specific details from the great Gatsby and Friday Precious.

That's my favorite part.

Well, I don't want to spoil Wiley's book.

I'm sure he goes into greater detail, but he was once attacked by a wizard who stabbed him with a wand, and he got a wand stuck inside of him, and now he's one of the most potent magical creatures in Fu, and he's why the potato is the rat with a wand.

His book is called Idaho, No Udaho.

Oh, I'll read that.

I'd read that.

You must have gotten an advanced copy.

I'm a little miffed.

I didn't get one, but

Goddess is blessed i guess maybe it's not the final name that's just what i heard because again i don't know him i just know of him you know of him i know of him must be nice to have your own private idaho no Utaho uh

I guess one day I'll get one but until then let's let's talk about Ernie let's talk about Pippy Longstocking written by I want to say

Astrid Lindgren

Astrid Lindgren?

Yes, a beloved Swedish author who wrote this children's book in the 1950s, I believe.

I did a little research and apparently it got published because it won a contest.

What sort of contest?

Like a reading contest or what?

To write a children's book.

Huh.

Hmm.

Did anyone else

enter the contest?

Yeah, I was going to say, what was your competition?

Guys, no, we're pissing off all the pippy

heads.

Just a reminder, we're reading this because so many people, so many Patreon supporters love.

I am fully aware that people were really excited about Pippi Longstocking.

And then they got me to read this book, and now I'm mad about it.

Here, let me, I'm going to turn off, um, where's the button on this laptop?

Okay, I turned off the audio.

Listen, the four of us, hey, Pippi Longstocking is pure chaos, right?

Yeah.

She's insane.

All she does is fuck up everything.

She's awful to everyone, right?

She's super strength.

Yeah.

She lies constantly.

Sometimes you can't tell if she's lying or if she knows it.

Other times she just admits that she's lying.

She ruins circuses for no reason.

This is it.

She's making everything about her, right?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean, and I get it.

She's a child who is unencumbered by parents.

So she likes to make up tall tales and seem more impressive than perhaps she is.

Although she is very impressive in some ways.

She has this strength.

She has a certain

simple way of viewing the world that can be charming at times.

She doesn't mean anyone any ill unless her evil plans are revealed in these other books, which I have to assume they are because she's directly from hell.

Isidor, I feel bad now.

You're right.

She's just a nine-year-old with three guns.

I'm sorry I said she was chaotic.

Yes.

You're right.

I have to make clear.

If you open.

I didn't know how soon we wanted to get to that.

We got to talk about the guns.

Literally, you open the book and there's an old-timey, there's a 1950s drawing of Pippi Longstocking holding a sword and a gun.

That's like the first thing you see.

And she also has a long stocking.

Like, it's pretty literal.

She has a stocking, a black stocking that's hanging off her foot, like some sort of skin tag.

Arnie, what is it with Earth books?

So far, we've read Pippi Longstockings,

The Great Gatsby, and Pride and Prejudice.

And all three have heavily featured guns.

What is going on?

What is going on on Earth that Elizabeth Bennett...

Remember in that scene where Elizabeth Bennett pulled a gun on Mr.

Darcy and said, what's up now, cocksucker?

Remember that?

Yes, I'm sorry.

That was my favorite part.

She was so prideful.

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Listen, so for as many guns are in this situation, she got swords, she's got guns, she's all kinds of weapons, she got brute force.

I do appreciate that this bitch got restraint.

Because what does she do?

She putting people in trees.

She's like, she is not busting heads like she knows she could.

She could be dropping horses on some motherfuckers, but instead, she's just gently draping people into trees, placing them out into the street.

Like, it's very...

powerful.

Yes, yes, she's very powerful, but she doesn't use it

for any ill gain, particularly mostly its defensive mechanism, or allows her to escape harm herself when others would do her harm, as the two burglars that she forced to dance all night might have done.

Well, hold on.

Not just forced to dance all night, then paid them.

Paid them money

for a full night's work of dancing and making comb music.

Well, I mean, she...

She paid them a gold piece.

Well, that's a lot of money on Earth, probably.

Oh, it's a lot of gold piece on Fun Foon is a lot of money on Earth.

I think basically you can get away with this shit if you're rich.

And that's kind of like something that, like, this guy.

So

she is bizarre.

She is irrational to some degree, but also rational.

But she's just, she is bizarre.

She's a weird chick.

And I think that you can get away with this kind of fucking behavior if you are helpful and rich.

Yeah, and she's

you don't even have to be helpful, to be perfectly honest.

Yeah, her dad's the cannibal king.

She's a Nepo baby.

Let's Let's say it.

It's true.

Her mom's an angel.

Okay, now, let's get into this.

On the very first page, Arnie, it might be, it might even be the first paragraph.

They say about Pippi, they say she was nine years old and she lived there all alone, there being her house, and she had no mother and no father.

And of course, that was very nice.

Now, you, Sidor,

you,

at whatever age you were when you were born, you had no mother and no father.

Did you find that very nice?

Well, yes, uh but I I came into the world fully formed as uh as the

being you see before you now, so I was never a child, per se, nor did I have a child's mind.

So I didn't have these flights of fancy where I would just go on uh tangents and speak for long periods of times about nonsense like the time that uh all the birds came together and all the squirrels joined them and all the and all the uh creatures of forest insisted there be a champion and then it and they they created a portal into the nether regions of Ephesius and said oh goddesses bless us with this champion who shall save us all

maybe Pippi's a wizard oh what uh guys quick turn to page 52 okay on page 52 I I sorry I guess Flyer we have to share my copy oh this is filthy this is filthy I put some footnotes in there too

it just looks like you stomped your roots on it.

Yep.

On page 52, it says, I think she's a wizard.

A flower used to her.

She says, my name, this is her real name.

She says, my name is Pippolotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackerel Mint Ephraim's Daughter Longstocking.

Ain't a good name.

I can't deny that.

It wasn't done.

Daughter of Captain Ephraim Longstocking, formerly of the Terror of the Sea, now a cannibal king.

Wow, what a long name.

She might be a wizard.

She might be a wizard.

Well,

I honestly hadn't thought of this.

I came in with the theory that this entire story about her parents was a cover story while she laid the groundwork for her evil plans,

which culminated in her

handing two loaded guns to two boring children.

And their father, seemingly oblivious to it, or indifferent at best,

allowed them to walk off with two pistols.

I assume the father's under some sort of spell, or it's just a negligent father i think it's the only time he's in the book at all and we should get back to talking about tommy and annika but uh oh you say annika annika i say anika anika look let's just call them both the nick caraway of this book

anakin

oh i like that tommy and anakin ooh arnie can we here's my theory there This is something that sometimes happens on Earth.

It's a common orphan situation where you think it's sort of an innocent young girl, but really it's a small adult murderous man pretending to be an orphan.

Oh, yeah, so she's like a serial killer pretending to be this precocious child.

Oh

interesting.

I guess we have to read the other two books.

You're right, Arnie.

Can I point out one other thing?

This is the main thing that I spent the whole book thinking about.

It happens fairly early on.

I think it's in the chapter, Pippi is a thing finder or something like that, where they just go around looking for stuff and Pippi says anything on the ground you own.

First of all,

they point to a man sleeping on the ground and say,

you are fucking wild.

But then she says, put your hand in that tree stump and they find jewelry.

They find

jewels and watches inside of trees.

Yeah.

And there's never any explanation.

Like, did she hide them there?

Well, the kids, the kids wonder that.

They say at one point, they're like, do you think Pippi put something there?

And they're like, I don't know.

Good night.

But like, how fucking amazing would it have been if that tree just ate her hand off?

I assumed that they just robbed that tree.

Oh,

yes.

Oh, man.

And a flower,

Arnie was talking about how they feel like if something lay on the ground, you can just grab it and you own it.

As a flower, that must happen.

You must be napping and then someone just plucks you and is like, this will go in my window.

Yeah, and I'm like, all right, fuck this.

This is a nice change of pace.

And then I just roll out of there because I have given myself the gift of movement.

So I cannot be owned.

I can be only placed in a different location.

That makes sense.

And I'll slowly make my way out of there.

No, I have boundaries.

You know, it's like I try to express it as soon as someone says, but I do want to draw everybody's attention to like one of the final moments in this entire book is pissed.

Please do.

Pippi shoots off two of the pistols and says, that was a good bang.

Yes.

And that's when I was like, you know what, this book might be all right.

She then also hands the guns to Tommy and Anakin.

And one of the kids goes, in their head, they think, I hope this isn't loaded.

She just shot the gun.

It's not loaded anymore.

Ani,

I think we covered the book.

Look, to be clear, there are guns in this book, but don't worry.

One child gives loaded guns to two other children.

Ani, I have to ask you.

I think it's time to

interrogate you a little bit.

As a denizen of Earth, do children read this book?

Look, yes.

I think, especially in Sweden, but everywhere, I have heard of this book.

I knew that Bibby Longstocking had red hair and pigtails and could lift a horse over her head because this is a classic children's tale on Earth.

Did I read it as a child?

No.

But you have to imagine that people do.

And I'm even going to go so, look,

was there a lot that made me angry about this book?

Yes.

But there's something charming about it.

Like, it doesn't really go anywhere, but it's got a charm.

Arnie, I'm so glad you said that.

Usidor, hand me the box.

There you go.

Thank you so much.

Arnie, Usidor and I agree, and I presume flower as well.

Usidor and I agree that there was

that there was something charming about this book.

There was something magical and delightful about this book.

And to put a name to it, it's Mr.

Nilson, the monkey.

So, Artie.

Oh, I was waiting to where we were going to get to that monkey.

Artie, we thought this podcast could use a little charm, a little something special,

a little pick-me-up.

So, we got you

Mischief, the monkey.

Oh.

So,

should I

be careful?

I mean, huh?

How safe is this monkey?

He's very still.

He's staring at you.

He's a child.

Should I make eye contact or shoot?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, Mischief is taking off his little bowler hat.

Uh-oh, he's rolling up his sleeves.

Oh, Arnie, he's going to bare knucklebox.

He's looking at his box.

How long is this monkey?

He's going to go and kick your ass or go make some pasta.

Oh, God.

I hope it's the pasta.

Not just because I don't want my ass kicked.

All right, Mischief, you can look at our copy of the book.

Oh, and he's out the window.

No.

There goes our copy.

That monkey's going to kill some people.

Now, I did love Mr.

Nilsson, the monkey.

Did Mr.

Nilsen do anything in the book?

I was going to say, you love him.

What do you love about him?

Like, I love that there's a personality book to attach to, right?

He sleeps in a little bed.

He's always around.

He's like the horse.

Like, there's just a whole entourage of animals.

Can we

talk about why the horse doesn't get a name, but Mr.

Nilsson does?

Because the horse isn't wearing clothes, and Mr.

Nilsen is.

And Arnie, you say, what did Mr.

Niels do?

If he didn't run away for whatever reason, we never would have seen Pippi absolutely devastatingly rip the horns off that bull for no.

That's right.

They made sure to clarify that bulls cannot feel when you rip a horn off.

And

that was a wild detail.

I have been a bull.

That is not true.

That is not true.

That's not true.

I'll say it.

Horns are the most sensitive.

Look, all I'm saying is,

would it have been so hard in the Great Gatsby or Pride and Prejudice for them just to throw in a couple extra lines about there being a monkey there?

It would have made it more fun.

As we've learned, you don't have to put a whole lot of plot attached to the monkey.

Just knowing there's a monkey wearing pants close by, it just makes it a little more fun.

That's true.

Yeah, if you if you introduce a monkey early on, you know at some point he's gonna go off.

That's uh they call that go-offs monkey.

Go-offs monkey.

But I don't know, did Mr.

Nielsen ever go off?

He just sort of was like he was there, he was down for a good time.

Clearly, they're very happy, he's not gonna leave.

But

what did he bring to the table?

Well, on the table, he drank his water and put his cup on his head.

Oh, yeah, and then everyone else followed suit.

So that was sort of fun, I guess.

Um,

he did sleep in a tiny bed.

Um,

I like that part.

Yeah, and the burglars were The burglars were confused and thought it was the father.

Yeah, it was a misdirect.

He provided literary misdirect in that moment.

So he is a literary device.

If not in world, he did serve some literary purpose.

Arnie, I'm not sure how it is on Earth, but in Foon,

monkeys like Mischief, who's now roaming somewhere around Foon,

educating himself surely on the book of Pippi Longstocking.

Arnie, in Foon, monkeys can.

How do I put this delicately?

They can like rip off faces and stuff.

They're very strong.

Yeah.

But on Earth it seems like that's man.

And they will.

And they will.

It's not just that they can.

They will.

They want to, actually.

Yeah.

They want to rip off your genitals or rip off your face.

That's their good.

They rip off faces.

And it seems like on Earth that's not the case because this nine-year-old has a monkey.

And a face.

Well, there are illustrations that suggest that Pippi has a face.

Yeah.

But nothing in the text says that she has a face.

Is that fair?

Huh.

No, she has freckles.

She talked about having freckles, but that doesn't have to be on the face, I guess.

It sort of feels like if she didn't have a face, that would definitely get mentioned.

Sure.

But would be more credence for my theory that she is a demon from hell.

Yeah.

Has she eaten someone?

Do you think that she's eaten a person?

She's a fan of her.

Well, her dad is the cannibal king.

That's what I want to know.

It seems like she's really idolizing that part of it.

And I just want to know it doesn't get mentioned.

There's other food.

There's seemingly very Swedish food mentioned.

Like they have a picnic with meatballs and sugared pancakes, several little brown sausages, and three pineapple puddings.

Yeah, Arnie, tell us more about Swedish food.

Yeah, tell us about Swedish food.

I don't know.

I don't know anything about Swedish food.

Too spicy for you?

Too spicy.

Well, speaking of Swedish food, at some point when Yusuf was trying to do that spell to help move the the table, I thought for sure he was going to make some Swedish food.

Yeah, he sounded like a chef, for sure.

You thought I sounded a little like a Swedish chef?

Yeah, when you're trying to move the table, it's burger, durger, burger, durgurger.

Just a spell, I know.

Just a spell, I know.

I can go.

When you do it, your arms flail around.

Mm-hmm.

And we can't quite see your legs for some reason.

It's just how you do that magic spell.

It's just how stars.

Hand is up your ass.

Always a good question, Flower.

Always a good one.

Always a good question.

Oh, mischief.

No, I mischief.

Get out of there.

Speaking of limbs being in weird places, I will say another thing that I took genuine delight in was the way Pippi Longstocking sleeps with her, like, upside down, with her head under the covers and her feet sticking out.

And for some reason, I know this is a simple idea.

It's just like, well, she sleeps backwards, but

especially when the burglars came and she would talk to them and answer questions from underneath the the blanket I don't know why that was fun I liked that huh see now I hated this because anytime anytime anybody did is this the thing that finally drives our friendship completely asunder

possibly because anytime in this entire book that anyone or even Pippi did anything

she for example she would put she would accidentally break an egg on her head and then she would immediately say in Argentia or whatever place she said Argentina she would thank you she would say uh

everyone uh wears eggs and if you eat it uh then they they hate you or something oh yes and then someone would like you know put on their shoes and she'd be like in Brazil

actually

everyone takes off shoes and if you put on shoes like it was just opposite date constantly for this girl and I don't know why and I hated it so for her to put her feet where head where head go and head where feet go just

chant that's a great point I'm sorry will you excuse me for just a moment?

I just need a little sanity check from both of you.

Sure,

small, adorable, constantly lies and is explaining what weird things they do in different places.

Are

is Chunt Pippi Longstocking?

I think that Pippi Longstocking might be more casually racist than Chunt is.

You'd be surprised.

Why?

And actually, I now love Pippi.

I think Pippi's actually pretty great and i yeah you might be on to something so i mean there's there's something there that is i mean you're not wrong you know he keeps giving guns to kids how else are they gonna protect themselves i mean you do have to teach children how to fight in the world of sure

is he really strong though does he have the super strength

no chunk lift up this horse yeah do it oh turn into a horse ah there we go Yeah, see, he can't say he does have a way to do it.

That's true.

He turned into a horse to lift a horse?

Well, hold on.

I turned into a horse to pick up a horse.

How are you doing?

Oh.

I'm so mad I didn't see that going.

I know.

Oh, that pippy.

You've done it again.

And back into a badger with red fur.

Oh.

I'll keep it for now.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

It doesn't look as...

Your coat looks different.

It's sticking out a little bit.

Let me just braid this real quick.

Here's the thing.

She keeps mentioning all those places, like you said, Charlie.

She's like, I've been here.

I've been there.

Did you know they do this there?

And it's like, we get it, bitch.

You travel.

Okay?

And it's really annoying.

Like, nobody likes it when somebody comes back with, like, story.

I mean, that's why she got kicked out of, like, what was it?

Tea or coffee party?

The coffee party.

She wouldn't shut up.

Yes, yeah.

Like you said, Flower, she made everything about her.

Yeah, she's a real that kind of personality, like, I just don't really have patience for.

You know, it's like, no, we all got shit going on.

It's true.

Can't always be about you, Pippi.

Can we, while we're talking about the coffee party, I want to get back to the topic of the Setagrens for a moment.

Tommy and Anakin.

Oh, what?

Is that their last name?

Isn't that their last name?

Setagrens.

I believe you.

Of all the details to remember from this.

I don't know why.

It's really striking.

I thought it might be a spell.

I always read these books looking for spells.

I said a grin, set a gridding, and nothing happened.

Tommy and Anakin, very boring.

Very boring children with nothing going on in their lives.

No,

not particularly

not a lot of character traits that one could point to, other than one is the boy and one is the girl, I suppose.

But their parents, like I mentioned, their father shows up to the very end, doesn't care that this other parentless child has given these two children a gun.

He's like, let's just go home.

Yeah, also, he busted into Pippi's house and went up to the attic.

Yeah,

rude.

But Mrs.

Setigren, at the party, everyone is annoyed with Pippi because she's ruining the pie and eating the whole pie and spilling things and making a mess and just jabbering on and on.

And then Mrs.

Setigren comes back in and is delighted that anyone's eating the pie.

That's her whole, that's her whole deal.

That's all we learn about her.

Yeah.

What's stressful when you're throwing a party?

It's like you kind of want people to enjoy it.

You hope it's good.

I mean, it's not good if you throw a party and like no one's touched the food.

Yeah.

I suppose you're right.

That's a problem.

Is it possible that the source of Pippi's super strength is that she drinks coffee?

I love that for her.

If you give a nine-year-old coffee, that kid's absolutely going to pick up a horse and shoot a gun.

They mentioned it casually many times that Pippi likes to drink coffee.

It's true.

Yeah.

Yeah, I really think so.

Yeah.

She grew up on a boat with a bunch of sailors, so that makes sense.

Oh,

maybe a snub-nosed motorboat as well.

It's worth mentioning, Usidor, on page 101, I think that's what it was.

Fucking mischief.

I think it was page 101 and page 159.

Pippi exclaims, Tiddly Pom and Pidelidae.

Is that a spell, Tiddly Pom and Pidela Day?

I tried it too.

No, I couldn't get it to do anything.

No.

Tiddly, Tiddly Palm and Piddly Day.

Huh?

Nope, nothing.

No.

Oh, the table moved.

Oh, that was just me kicking it.

Oh.

I did try this other spell in the book, though.

Let me try it again here.

Poffin Books, published by the Penguin Group.

Penguin Young Readers Group 345 Hudson Street.

New York, New York, 10014 USA.

Is anything happening yet?

No.

This is about it's about 10 times longer than what I've read already.

I'm getting sleepy.

Should I do the whole thing?

Yeah.

Penguin Group, Canada, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario.

Canada M.

M.

said Avenue weird.

But pronounced Toronto, Ontario, perfect.

Division of Paris and Penguin Canada, Inc.

Penguin Books.

He's going Swedish.

He's going Sweden.

Pinky Strand.

London WC2R

O 0RL England.

Penguin Ireland.

The word penguin's in here a lot.

It is.

One thing I identify with Pippi, I also don't like pollutification tables.

Oh, yeah, she's terrible at math just like you, Arnie.

Yeah.

That's a good point.

Quick, Chunt.

Yeah.

What?

Do you think Arnie is Pippi Longstocking?

Huh?

What is that?

Arnie is Pippi Longstocking.

Oh, yeah.

They're both bad at math.

That's true.

I've never met Arnie's parents, although he's talked about them.

Yeah.

Nine years old.

He's nine years old.

We just gave him a monkey.

And there's a horse kind of near him that I tried to pick up earlier.

Then it all checks out.

Everyone play it cool.

He's basically okay, okay.

Oh shit.

Wait, what kind of tables did you say?

Politification tables?

Politifica?

I don't remember that part.

Oh, it's when Pippi goes to school and

yes,

she's asked to do multiplication, I believe.

Oh, I found it, yeah.

Can I get 10 time here for a

politification?

Was that supposed to be a joke?

I think so, yeah.

Do you know

how many times in every episode Flower is on, I have to edit that line out?

Just Flower saying, what is that supposed to be?

A joke?

Is that a joke?

And then you edit out my blank stare.

No, I keep that in.

We try, but everyone can feel it.

Everyone can feel it.

Good.

Hey, guys.

I have a theory.

What is it?

You know how Pippi Longstocking makes us angry?

Yeah.

I think Flower is Pippi Longstocking.

I don't get it.

I don't.

Where are you going with this?

I love flower.

Okay, well, never mind.

flower makes me happy in the jolly summertime through the field and wood i make my way

i do exactly as i wish and when i walk i go squish squish squish squish squish it's just a beautiful flower just now

it's really true sometimes just chip sometimes it's chew

for the shoe is wet the bull sleeps yet and i eat all the rice pudding i get in the jolly summertime

squish where i go squish oh squish

Oh, flower song.

Singing a beautiful little flower song.

I love it.

She's singing a little song and she put scrub pads on her roots and she's scrubbing around the floor.

Wow, this book could be a movie, Arnie.

Yeah, I believe it's been several movies on Earth.

It's been several TV series.

Also, I believe there was a lot of work that went into one of the greatest workers of magic on all of Earth,

Miyazaki, put a lot of work into making a Pippi Longsucking movie, which unfortunately didn't come to pass.

Miyazaki.

Wait, he made a movie that didn't get made.

What?

He put a lot of work into making a movie, but then it ended up not happening.

Why didn't he just do it?

Well, you know, probably rights issues.

Like, probably.

You know, there's got to be a porno called Pippi Long Sucking.

I mean,

I'm really torn between

not talking about that more or spending like an hour like PP

Long Sucking.

Dicky Long Sucking.

How do we...

He's coming into your world.

Pippi Cumstocking.

Flower, Flower, Arnie, Flower, Arnie.

Yeah.

Did you notice how Usidor isn't saying any fun porno titles?

Yeah.

I think he's Pippi Longstock.

I think he's taking offense at us making fun of her name because it's his name.

And you don't think it's because he just doesn't like the game?

Keep an eye on it.

Okay.

You don't think it's because he's thinking about how this is a children's book?

And then we might be like ruining childhood memories?

Hey, if a nine-year-old picks up a gun, I can make fun of a name.

That is a fair point.

And you said this was everyone's favorite?

Okay.

Arnie, I do want to say there's two bright spots in this book for me.

I hate to admit it.

The first one is, at some point, Tommy, our

bland,

idiot little neighbor boy, he says the phrase, why do you have a horse on the porch?

And when I said that out loud to myself, horse on the porch.

Horse on the porch.

I just, for some reason, it really tickled me.

Horse on the porch.

And then number two is, at some point, Pippi is making the burglars dance for some reason, and she calls one of them her sugar pig.

And I feel like, Arnie, we could use...

We don't have enough pet names on Magic Tavern.

Would you be my sugar pig?

Arnie, will you be our sugar pig?

Would you be their sugar pig?

Hold on.

First of all, this is just a chunt and me thing.

Okay.

No, alright, fine.

Chunt, we can call each other sugar pigs.

Yes.

But only on the Patreon, deal.

Or should I say deal?

Should you say squeal?

I should have said squeal, sugar pig.

It's a squeal, sugar pig.

Now, if you limit it to the Patreon, I still recommend that you say it once on the main feed and then say, if you want to know why, we're calling each other sugar pig.

Oh.

If you want to know inside each other's sugar pig,

you should.

Don't you want to know secrets?

Subscribe.

Subscribe.

If you're a Patreon listener, you should go onto social media or onto the Reddit and just occasionally post things like, You people aren't gonna fucking believe the sugar pig business going on on the Patreon.

We got Arnie, how do we get sugar pig trending?

Hmm, it's a good question.

Maybe if we keep saying it a ton.

Yeah, I don't know, Sugar Pig.

What do you think?

Sugar Pig.

I don't know.

Thank you for calling me Sugar Pig.

Sugar Pig, also sugar pig.

There's a pig over here in the corner.

We could just pour some sugar on it.

No, he has diabetes.

Uh-oh, do it.

Pour some sugar

Oh, that leopard's trying to give the pig mouth the mouth.

Is that what you do for someone with diabetes?

Yeah, but don't tell him how to do it.

He can't hear.

Yeah, you can't.

He's deaf.

You can't tell him.

Oh.

I mean,

not with your voice.

That leopard has three legs.

What?

Arnie.

It was in a cart accident.

Sorry.

But it still rocks.

It still rocks, okay?

I forgot about that.

Oh, and one other thing that rocks, I almost forgot about it.

Usidor, you're going to love this.

Oh.

At some point, towards the end, Pippi,

the best word is, lures her friends up to the attic, and she says something about all the ghosts are gone because they've gone to a council meeting of the Ghost and Goblin Society.

Oh, I do recall that.

Yeah, that part is fun.

Arnie, we have a Ghost and Goblin Society in Foon.

Oh, you do?

Yes, I guess all the ghosts from Earth must attend.

I've never been invited, though I've asked to attend many times.

I'm just so curious what those ghosts and goblins are up to.

Why are they intermingling?

Don't ghosts have very different desires and

motivations than goblins?

It seems like goblins would have their own sort of structure and society.

Why are they intermingling?

What are they up to?

Why are you trying to keep them apart?

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm just curious about why they've been like,

well, it's just ghosts and goblins.

Why not ghosts and goblins and vampires?

Why not?

It's clearly alphabetical.

Yeah, they're right next to each other.

And I've been,

one year I went.

My dad gave me.

Yeah, my dad went one year.

He calls it Gags, Ghost and Goblin Society.

And at Gags, well, he was mostly at the buffet table, but it seems like a lot of networking.

So I think that's what it is.

Oh.

Buffet table.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

There is a buffet table and there's a buffet table.

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

I didn't mean to correct you.

No, you're, but you're right.

He was at the buffet table.

You're absolutely right.

And he ate a lot of fondue.

Which I guess I could just call fondue because

that's what it's like.

No, you say it.

You gotta say it's booky.

Yeah, it's true.

You know, I tried to join the penguin group.

You did.

And

you know, they wouldn't let me join either.

Oh, flower.

Seems like they only let puff and books in there.

So, uh, fondu.

Well, I, this has been delightful learning all about Pippi Longstocking.

Uh, I'm not quite sure.

Where are you going?

You're putting your coat on.

Yeah, putting my coat on.

I gotta go.

I have things to do today.

Uh, I was going actually to go thing finding

because I thought, well, this seems ridiculous, but why not try it once?

Why not just go out and claim that anything on the ground is mine?

Okay.

So, uh, we'll just see how that goes, you know?

Does anyone want to go with me?

Anyone want to be a thing finder with me?

Yeah, I'll be down for that.

But before we go, I mean, we never talked about that her house is called Villa Villa Coola.

Hmm.

Was that some

Vanderpump rules type shit right there?

Yeah.

Is what that is.

Sounds like a vampire name.

Yeah.

Villa Villacula.

Villa Villa Coola.

Villa Villacula.

What do you think, Sugar Pig?

You want to go thing finding?

What'd you call him?

Sugar Pig?

Yeah.

Yeah, Sugar Pig?

Sugar Pig, do you want to go thing-finding?

We can keep thinking up

Pippi Dong sucking.

We can keep thinking up pornography.

Oh, that's good.

That's good, Sugar Pig.

The worst part about this is just both of you calling each other Sugar Pig quietly.

Like, I just,

it's like a couple being like, hey, babe, what's up, babe?

Yeah, babe.

You want to use this, babe?

Wow, Sugar Pig, you're going to let her talk to me?

You're like, Sugar Pig?

Oh, great.

This is really turn.

Now I've got to defend my Sugar Pig.

Look, before we go out thing-finding, I do want to just take one moment to talk about the end of the book.

There is a kind of like,

you know, it's Phoebe's birthday.

Everyone comes over.

She plays with guns.

She gives guns to the other kids.

The father comes to collect them.

And as they leave, there is this kind of wistful moment that I'm not sure if I fully understand, but it just says, Pippi followed her guests out to the porch and watched them disappear through the garden.

They turned around to wave.

The light from inside shone on her.

There she stood with her stiff red braids, dressed in her father's nightshirt, which billowed around her feet.

In one hand she held a pistol and in the other the sword.

She saluted with it.

What the fuck?

When Tommy and Anakin and their father reached the gate they heard her calling.

They stopped to listen.

The wind whistled through the trees, so they could just barely hear what she said.

She said

And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Huh?

I don't know, it just has a kind of poetic quality to it.

Hmm.

Wait, that's how yours ended?

Yeah, there's like a green light, and then

they go into all that.

I guess it's sort of a wistful remembrance of something you could never have that never really was.

Wow, this is a good book.

Yeah.

Wait, Thing Finding?

That's the name of the planet.

Oh,

yes.

Ah, nailed it.

There you go.

All right, let's go outside and put our hands in some trees.

Yay!

Catch me, Sugar Pig.

I'm coming, Sugar Pig.

Wow, we, wow, wow.

What a crazy book, right?

But who were the fake people chatting about it, you ask?

Chunk the Talking Badger.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adel Refi.

Usidor the the Blue was played by Matt Young.

Flower was played by Brooke Bright.

You can follow Brooke on Twitter at Brooke Bright and check out her Twitch and watch her play some fun video games at twitch.tv slash Brooke Bright.

This episode was produced by Matt Young.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

Special Assistants by Ryan DiGiorgi.

This episode was edited by SageGC.

Logo by Aleard LeVon.

Theme by Andy Poland.

Now, if you're the type of fan who's a completionist, you can get all the hello from the Magic Tavern Goodness by going to patreon.com slash Magic Tavern to join our Patreon.

For only five bucks a month, you support this independently produced podcast, which for you means you receive two new bonus episodes each month, a monthly newsletter from the hosts, access to the Magic Tavern Discord, the fullback catalog of bonus content, and ad-free versions of the main show.

Time to close the book on this week's ep.

See you, Cool Cats, next week.

Boulet Cray!