Season 5, Ep 34 - Spintax the Warlord (w/ Charlie McCrackin, Colleen Doyle & Dana Quercioli)

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People of Earth, the following path, that's odd. I'm getting a new podcast signal from within Foon.
I'm supposed to only play, you know, the transmission we all know about.

But you don't have to twist my let's call it an arm. How about we check out this other thing instead? Sit back and enjoy the suddenly much more intriguing show.

So after the music plays, you say you'll just say something like, hello from the magic tavern, and then you just kind of go with the podcast from there. I say hello from the magic tavern.

Yeah, so the music will have played, and then you just say, hello from the magic tavern, and there's probably a flourish, and that's how podcasts start.

Well, I understand how a podcast starts, but I am not in the magic tavern. I guess that's true.
Look, look, spinach. Live Live from building one of my twin towers.

Is that where we are? I have, I've built two towers, and we're in the first one of them. Okay.

What's going on in the second one? That's the spare.

The spare tower. Okay.
When this war eventually comes to my front gates, this war of wizards, we will fall back to the spare tower. So, Spin Dax, I'm just here to help produce your podcast for you.

When you hire Carnival Wilson, who, you know, is a carfoon of of Arnie Kneecamp. I have most of his memories up until about season two of his podcast.

You know, I'm a pro. I'm probably one of the most preeminent podcast producers in all of Foon.
I've helped get pod pyres up and running. So you're in good hands.

I appreciate your curriculum vitay, but have you ever hosted your own behind the paywall podcast? Oh, I guess I have. Because I have.

I mean, I've sat in on the podcast as an imposter host, pretending to be Arnie, but no, I guess I haven't. Oh, well, so you have hosting Cred.
You have credits as a host.

Yeah, like one episode, probably.

Well, that's not nothing. All right, no, you know what, Spintex, you're right.
I shouldn't try to turn your show into that other show. You know what? Do you have your own theme song? Yes.
Let's

probably... This is Arnie's computer, yes? This is his laptop.
Yeah, this is a copy of it. Let's see here.
There should be a copy of my theme song in there. Okay, let's see here.
Open iTunes

audio files.

Search music. iTunes exists anymore.

But let me try Apple Podcasts. I am Spintax the audio file.
Find it here. I'm going to hit play.

I am Spintax the podcast.

That's a good theme song. It rocks, right? It's hardcore.

It's good. Let's play non-stop in Tower 2.
Right now, before we're doing it, that's where the party's happening. Oh, that's the party tower? That's the second party.
The first tower is a false party.

The real party goes on at Tower 2. Oh.

Such a trickster. Did I mention I'm a trickster god?

Oh, yes, I appreciate that. That's part of the qualities I like about you.
Just a couple of tricksters hanging out. All right, so do you have any guests lined up for your podcast? I do.

My security team should be dragging them in any moment. Okay, I'll just go into the production booth.
I'll be on mic if you need anything from me. You can go ahead and just sort of like

do any up-top spiel and bring your guests in.

If I get the sense while you're in that booth that you are monkeying around, texting your dad or something, I will not hesitate to snap out all the oxygen.

Just be aware. Okay.
No, no, I'll definitely be paying attention.

Okay. And if you say Carnival Wilson, I will definitely, if you need to test me, I'll definitely respond.
I will be paying attention. How many times?

Some beings require the name to be encanted three times, others five. How many times must I speak Carnival Wilson for him to appear? Oh, you know what? I'll just say, how about this?

If you say it once, I will appear vocally. If you say my name three times, I'll come back into the room.
Like, then you clearly need me to, like, jostle a cable or something.

All right, I'll follow those rules. All right, buddy, you're golden.
You can do this.

Bring forth my guests, the first.

Ah,

look at this. What a wonderfully decrepit old woman.
Oh,

thank you for calling me Wobud.

Oh, I thought you liked the term wonderful first. Oh, yeah, I missed that.
Wonderful, Thank you. And of course, we've met each other before, a hag.
Yes, we have. Hello to you.
Hello to you.

Welcome to my podcast. Oh, what? Oh.

What is this?

Podcast. This is a podcast.
It's a special episode of the long ago canceled SpinTax the Podcast. Oh, I thought it was on a date.
Because I get grabbed and banhandled.

Yes, well, that is the only way that I can assure that my guests will arrive on time. Oh, sold.

I will not sell you, I promise. You are mine and I will not sell you.
Oh, okay. I like that guy.
He was quiet, but strong. Yes, his tongue had been removed and replaced with a lead brick.

Oh, where'd you put it? The lead brick in his mouth. No, the tongue.
Oh, I keep them. Oh.
On this chain. Oh, cool.
I can put his tongue in my mouth and I can speak with his voice. Oh, really?

Yes, his mother doesn't know what he's up to and I call her sometimes through Resident Stones and I pretend to be him. You know, she's very worried about him and I tell her lies.

Oh, is this what a podcast is? You've been on podcasts before, a hag. I have.
You have? You know, I don't get my pills that often anymore.

They stopped coming down the river, so I can't remember everything. Yes, you're a drug addict.
I forgot. All right.
You take found drugs, yes. And I brought you here because you're a hairstylist.

That's right, I am. Oh, do you need a trim? In a place I can't see? Oh,

every place you can see and can't see. All right.

I'll get full bold if that's what's the style. I want to consult you for myself and for the entirety of my forces.
I'm marshaling an army together and I want them to look severe.

Oh, I could do severe. Oh, I can do A symmetrical, B B symmetrical,

N. I've been working on N symmetrical.
What's N symmetrical? Oh, it's where you turn it around and it's Z. Ah,

wonderful.

Okay. That sounds like a versatile uniform for a militia.
That's right. So if you get knocked over, your haircut's still symmetrical.
Yeah, then you can hide yourself.

We're not the N-force, we're the Z-force. Is this where I'm doing my plugs? Not mad, we'll we'll save that for the end.
Oh, okay. I just didn't know if people listened all the way through podcasts.

If I should do it right here, listen, if you want to slip in your plugs natively during our conversation, I don't want to stop you from doing that.

But if it feels forced, it's going to be trouble, and it won't feel good. That was one erotic sentence.
Thank you very much. Speaking of erotic sentences, bring in the next prisoner guest.

What

is going on? Don't struggle. The more you fight them, my demonic forces, the stronger they get.
I have to struggle. It's my character.
Ease your character, woman. Sorry to call you a woman.

I know that doesn't define you. It doesn't, and I use she, they pronouns.
What the hell am I doing here? You've been brought as a guest of honor.

What? You've been brought as a guest of honor. I heard you.
I heard you. To the Twin Towers of Spintex.

In preparation for the victory party when I win the War of the Wizards. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't be a part of this. I cannot be a part of this.
No, you're going to be a party to this.

A party? A victory party! You, me, a hag? Hello. That's no way to talk about someone.
Please be respectful. Oh, yeah.

A hag? This is Gianessa. Oh, hi, Gianessa.

Wait, I'm sorry. Your name is a hag? Yeah, that's my name.
A hag or a hag? Whoa, okay. It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm Gianessa. But what the hell is going on? Oh, we're doing a podcast.

Are you here of your own volition? Uh-huh. Oh, I don't know.
I went on a date. It felt like a date.
Now I'm here.

Explain yourself. Spin Tax.
Explain yourself. Well,

you are here as a guest of honor. You are.
I am a fan of law and order just like you, and I want you. I want people to see you with me as I campaign myself.

Around the all of food, I've taken over this section of the southeast, and I'm renaming it Spin Texas.

It is my domain where everything is greener in Spin Texas and you're going to be

my way into the hearts and minds of people who are fans of Law and Order because if you support me then they'll support me.

Also, we're going to have a hell of a party. You're going to love it.
We'll slip through Tower One.

We'll make an appearance so that everyone there thinks that they're at the right party and then we'll go to Tower Two. That's where the real party's going on.

Why didn't you just send an invitation if this is such a party? Why was I? Those demons are my invitation.

Those were demons? I was apprehended by demons. This can't get out.
This can't be. They are housebroken demons.
I've tried. These names was Gary.
Yeah, that's right, Gary. Yeah.

I stripped them of their demonic names with which they were born, and I gave them new names as supplicants to spin tags.

Listen, I'm sorry to make this just about me right now in this moment, but I have too many jobs. People will notice that I'm gone.
Nobody will do anything about it, but they'll certainly notice.

Great, let them notice. When you get back, you show them what a good time you had.
I'm telling you, no harm shall come to you while you're in the Twin Towers of Spintex. All right,

I'm gonna hear you out. Hang out.
Have something to eat or drink. Oh, wow, what's this, hummus? Yes, that's it's a paste, much like hummus.
Oh, I love paste. I love paste.

At first, I thought it was just hummus. No, it's similar to hummus.
So, is this a job? Is that what this is? Is that what you're saying? Great question. It might turn into a job, yes.

We're also recording this as part of a podcast so that this can last forever in people's ears and minds. Hey, don't be alarmed by a voice coming in.
This is Carnival Wilson. I'm annoyed.

You wish you could surprise me.

I'm just letting your guests know that if they need any technical support, I'm here and I'm available. I'm not just a disembodied voice, a real person in another room.

Carnival Wilson out. Nice to meet you, Carnival Wilson.
Oh. He's a drawing of a man.
Isn't that cool? It is cool. Actually, it's very cool.
So, Gianessa, you like your hair? I'm

indifferent about it. I really like it.
I can tell.

You could tell? Yeah, the indifference is coming through. Really? What would you do? Yes, for what name five things that you would do to her hair to improve them.
Oh,

I'd turn your bangs around. One, I'd re-split your ends.
Two. Two.

Three.

I would shock it. I'd shock the whole thing.
Right into submission. Nice.
You might get one of those white stripes up the middle. Yes, that was three.
Four is wig.

Hide it completely. Subterfuge.
I love it. And five is flip it up.
You know, let your bottom hairs brush them forward over your top head. Brush my bottom hairs forward over my top head.
Yeah.

You know your hairs that grow from down below? Wind them up for your bones and flip them onto your head. How far down below? All the way.
You know the place. What? Yeah.

You want me to brush those upward over my head? Have you ever seen it before? Over from the front or over from the back? Horse style or elephant style? Well, I wish I could. Which one's which?

Which one's which? That's for you to find out.

Horse style or elephant style? Listen, I don't focus on my hair much. I don't know.
But

I really, I'm really,

I don't know what horse or elephant style is as it pertains to the hair that grows down below. Well, I suppose if we work here now, we're gonna get to know each other real well.

I suppose. Hey, this is Carnival Wilson.
I'm just butting in again. Spindax, I think this might be a good time to throw a commercial.
Okay, thanks, Carnival Wilson. Tease.

All right, we'll be right back.

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And we're back from break. Carnival Wilson, despite his best efforts, will not interrupt my flow of interviewing my two-year-old.

Carnival Wilson out. I'll fill it with foam.

What would that do? What would that do? It would

the foam would crawl its way into his lungs every time he tried to breathe. And he would slowly asphyxiate inside that small cubicle.

Oh, it's not very nice. So, legally speaking, it wouldn't be me that killed him.
It'd be the foam. Oh, smart.

Just be careful, please, what you confess to, okay?

I hold

several offices, a public, private.

I'm a lawman. So please, just

private office. I've been known to hold privates as well.
Oh, yeah, that hairdo I was talking about. Actually, it sounds like that hairdo would hold privates.
Yeah. Yeah.
Snug.

Yeah, I have to imagine it. It really would keep them kind of in like their own little nest.

That's beautiful. You're very talented.
Oh, thank you. You're welcome.
I can tell by just your overall kind of aesthetic what you've got going on. Oh, yeah.

Kind of like a bunch of scarves and rings, tones. Like sound tones.
When you're turned around and we can't see your face, you do look like a heap of things. Right.
I'm like wind chimes and garbage.

Yeah, a trash pile.

There's a chair on your back. Oh, yeah.
That's my sitting chair. You just keep it on your back.
Well, I never know when I'm gonna need to sit down. And I can't.
I'm so smart.

I can't get all the way down and then get back up, Eddie Boar. Sure.
You can't trust that there'll be a chair wherever you're going. No, no, not these days.
No, no.

In fact, when I first got here, I looked around and I thought I need to escape quickly. I'll just use something from that heap.
But then I saw that it was you. It's me.
A woman.

Yeah, not a heap at all. No.
Well, chairs, I'll make that an issue for myself. For once I win this war of the wizards,

I will expand my empire, I've decided, from the southeast throughout all of Foon. Why don't I just take over all of Foon?

Oh, wow. I'd make things better.
I'd say chairs for everyone. Chairs everywhere.
I love that. What else? So everybody gets a chair on my board.
What else? What else do you want?

I'll give everyone everything they want. Everyone can get everything they want.
As long as Spentax is in power. I've heard this before.
I have heard this tale a thousand times. From who?

Tell me me who

I am

from everyone I've ever fought, from everyone I've ever had to vanquish myself, from everyone I've ever had to detain and arrest. Everybody promises power.

How do we know that you're going to stick to your word? Well, let's see. I am a master of truth.

Oh,

and lies. Wait.
Did you secret, did you quietly, more quietly than you said truth, say and lies? Yes, so

what?

Yeah, to be fair, Giannessa, so what?

Okay, Okay, that's a good point. He said truth louder, and that worked on me.
What is the truth, but the opposite of a lie? And what are lies but the opposite of truths?

They're all the same things, two sides of the same coin. Before, if you're looking at one side of a coin and turn it over, are you not looking at it the same coin? Oh, what about that?

That is actually.

I've never heard it phrased quite like that before, and that does actually make a lot of sense to me. Wow.
Do you have any merch?

Oh, uh, anything that your eyes eyes can see within my towers, you are welcome to purchase from me. Oh, can you put your name on it so when I go out, I'm like, oh, have you heard of Mr.
Slintax?

Oh, I will say Spintax, not Slintax, but yes. I don't know what I, what? Slim tax is my diet drink.
Oh, I tried that. It gave me a headache so bad I couldn't eat.

That's right, because your brain is turning. That's right, that's how it felt.
Yeah.

And the turning burns calories. Mm-hmm.
That's where you drink your diet drink for breakfast and then a diet drink for lunch. And then

you have a sensible dinner, yes. I remember.
Another smoothie as a another shake, another drink as a snack. So three drinks total? Yes.

I admit it is a flaw that your snack has to be the same thing as two of your other meals.

It doesn't seem like a trait or appetizing because it's exactly the same as you've had for breakfast and lunch. Yes.
But it's all I got. Can you tell me what the flavors are?

It's green.

just green. It's green.
I had the green. Mm-hmm.
That sounds like you had to. Oh, yeah.
I had to have the green. Yeah.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

All right. Well, what about if I take this, like, um, let me see what I got here.
Oh, what's this? These socks.

These could be birch. You're welcome to those socks.
They are mid-thigh length. Very long.
They're like soccer socks. Perfect.
I have to say, this sounds fishy because you brought us here.

Then you said we could have anything our hearts desire in here, but we have to pay you for it.

What sounds fishy about commerce? I don't want to have to pay you. You, Cave, and got me.
Then don't take anything. Well, we should get some things on the house.

Listen, I'm going to be honest with you both. You weren't brought here just to be guests on my revitalized podcast.

I've had a premonition. I am a diviner of unknowable truths, and I've had a premonition that the two of you are the key to me regaining my immortality.

As you know, all the wizards of Foon, thanks to that blue bumbling buffoon Usidor, have lost their immortality. And I have spent months and months cowering inside my tower.

A cower tower, afraid to go out. But I refuse to do that any longer.
I have set across my path the goal of regaining immortality. And the two of you are the key somehow.
Oh, well.

I have to tell you that Usador is a friend of mine, but he did kind of show his ass on the whole immortality thing. So I'm listening.

He's the cause of this wizard's war and all the strife that comes from it. Every person and creature and animal that I destroy is on Usidor's bill.
I mean, I just have to say this.

This one thing is that you guys becoming mortal or losing immortality, I don't know if you are technically mortal. It just made you like the rest rest of us, so I don't feel that bad about it.

Gross, what an insult! Guards, take her away!

Put me down!

Okay, bring her back. I forgot I need you for this thing.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. Is it in my butt? Is it- is the is my secret thing in my butt? Cause if so, this has happened to me before.
Yeah, really rude around in there. Go look for it.

Someone has told you before that they began to search your butt? Yeah, because they're going on a long trip. You don't need to be a green wizard to know that that is a lie.
Oh.

Where were you six years ago? Earth, I think. Oh.
Heard of it? Heard of it? Impressed?

Yeah, I go to different worlds.

I'm not impressed. I need to know what your intentions are.
So you brought us both here. Hag, what do you do? What do you do? Do you have powers? Like, what's your thing? Why, why, why the two of us?

Oh, what do I do? Well, I mostly run my own hair studio.

You know, I'm also raising a child.

You know, I keep waiting for the river to deliver me more pills.

And I go on dates, surprise dates like this, more often than you think. Having a child is one path to immortality, I'm told.
Maybe that is what I need to learn from you. How to have a child.

Oh, well, it's not the butt thing. All right, that's a good place to start.
We'll X off the butt thing. Right.
At least we won't finish there. We'll end somewhere else.

Yeah, you can start there all you want, but if you want immortality, yeah, I'd complete your quest somewhere else. Other than there.
Now, really, I always heard you had to end there. But listen.

It is best on a quest to end where you began. Yes.
To go full circle. So if you do start your quest at the butt, you should end your quest at the butt.
I just see how you've changed and how you can.

I don't understand.

I don't understand how you could have changed. How long will it take? To leave the butt and return? Yes.

There's an endless variety of places to travel from one butt until it's returned, all the way around the world. Oh, okay, so

this is a big quest. Yes, but what is the world but a body? I have lost the thread.
Why am I here? What do you know of immortality? Very little.

Hmm.

Well, maybe I have to like mush the two of you together. Okay.

Okay. I mean, mean, I you seem nice, and I

okay. Look.
Okay. The thing is, it's a hag.
I would be honored. You're the

lovely heap of a woman. Thank you.
It's true. But I just, I don't.
Were you given any specifics in this little thought you had or prophecy or whatever it was?

It's not a prophecy. It was a premonition.
Okay. A prophecy is a divination of truth through supernatural means.

A premonition is more of a thought or feeling that you get that is devoid of evidence or reason. You're not instilling a whole lot of confidence.
I've never been wrong before about anything ever.

So why would I be now? Anything ever. I'm always right and I always will be.
And if I'm wrong, it's because I want to be and it's a choice that I've made and no one will stop me.

Because look, I'm the most powerful wizard in the south and in all of Foon. Look at me.
Conjure these little dragons. Uh, syntax.

Yes, Away!

I just realized because I have all these tattoos, you know, that have foretold things or told me about my past or put just a picture in the back of my head.

You know, there is one on here that says Wizard War. Is that important? There is.
You're like a blind spot, of course. I am.
All the clues are on your body. Oh.

Let me just rip these rags off.

Wait, wait.

Let's get a look at them.

Maybe you're the one that...

Maybe you're the one that's supposed supposed to decipher the code. Pick a side.
Did you see where it says Wizard War right there by my thing? Oh, there it is. Yep.

Now, is that a nipple or is that a mole? I don't think physiologically that could be a nipple. Okay.
They usually group them together. Well, I'm also...

I'm sorry to butt in, but you've got about six of those, so I don't know. Yeah, sometimes I feel like a cat, you know.
I'm surprised you only have one child.

Typically, litters follow the half-nibble rule. You know? The half-nibble rule? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, everybody knows this rule but me. Can you explain the half-nipple rule?

This is Cardinal Wilson, and I also want to butt in to say I would like to know more about the half-nipple rule. Carnival Wilson out.
Thank you.

Animals with nipples typically have litters the size equal to one-half their number of nipples.

That way, the young can feast on the half of them while the others replenish, and when one is down, the others are free. So if an animal has six nipples, their litters are typically of three.

And humans have one child because they've got two nipples typically.

I don't trust you at all. I'd follow you anywhere.

I don't trust what you're saying. I've seen animals have litters of nine, ten, twelve puppies, cats, whatever.
Those cats must have had an extraordinary number of nipples. Did you count?

Cats can have up to a dozen nipples. God, no, I didn't count.
And speaking of nipples, let's go on to my second tower. There's a better party going on back there.
Spintax's Green Party. Oh.

How is that speaking of nipples?

Because it's sexual. It's a sex party.
Oh, really? Is Ralph Nader?

And bottles of baby oil. Whoa! Did you ask if Ralph Nader was there at the Green Party? Right, Ralph Nader! Ralph Nader, Jill Stein, Jill Frankenstein.

She's put together from many other candidates. She doesn't have any strong enough opinions for anyone to care about.
Is her name Jill Frankenstein, or is it really Jill Dr. Frankenstein's monster?

I find her boring and I will not ask her. Fair.
All right. I mean, they say never go to a second location with someone who's just abducted you, but a hag, if you're going to go, I guess I'll go.

I don't know.

It's a ridiculous saying. As if you had a choice.
You've been brought to one location. How can you stop yourself from being brought to another one? Give me a break.

I'm not used to being someone's hostage. You're not a hostage.
You're free to go whenever you'd like. Oh, I am? After you've given me what I need.
Oh, well, that sounds pretty hostage-like.

Sorry, Hag, I didn't mean to interrupt you. No, no, I just said now that I'm nude, I'll go to any party.
I'd say I don't know what to wear, but now I don't. I gotta say, I really respect you.

I really respect you. Yeah, really? Yeah, you're just walking around so proudly.
And now that I see all these tattoos and what may or may not be so many nipples, I think you're pretty cool.

I think I respect you a lot. Oh, I'm glad to be working together.

Yeah.

Well, we'll see. I'm not sold on this.

I don't know what my rights are here, but I'm not sold. Well, let me tell you something.
I get a bad case of the Mondays. So look out.

What happens? What happens? What happens on Mondays? I'm a real crump. I'm a real crump.
Don't talk about it. It occurs to me

that we haven't finished reading your tattoos. Oh, yeah.
We found the wizard's war. Yeah.
I'm not seeing a lot of other pertinent information. Oh, let me bend over.
Oh, whoa. What is that?

If you can read this, the bitch fell off. What does that mean? All right, let's bring your whole illustrated body to the other party.
Janessa, come with us too.

I promise nothing, no harm shall befall you while you're in Tower 2. Sure, come to my sex party.
My green sex party. No harm will befall you.
All right, fine.

Hey, why don't we quickly go to break, and when we come back, maybe we'll move to the second tower. How about when we come back, we'll be in the second tower? Oh, even better.

Carmel listen out. Let's go to break.
We'll be right back.

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Alright, um, I have to be in here with you. I have the mobile rig

for the second location. Uh, but just pretend I'm not here.
I will. I will forget that you exist, and I have asked everyone at this party to do the same.
You are not a participant.

Am I allowed to get drinks? You can get drinks, but you can't get drunk. You're working.
Okay, fair. You ladies, Gianessa, a hag, you can drink whatever you want, eat whatever you want.

You'll see the floor is filled with uh copulating monsters of different sizes and uh stoutnesses and whatnot, and they are all yours as much as you'd like. Oh, will that be past spaghetti?

Hmm, as in past, like shared or spaghetti from the past. Catch its prime.
I hate waste!

No, we uh we you know, we are pretty good at eating spaghetti before its uh its expiration date, but I think we can find

I can find some sort of a spell to drastically age some spaghetti for you.

Perfect, thank you. Zing, Zim, Zalabim!

Here you are! Thank you. Crunchy!

Wow. Wow.
Yes, isn't it funny that if you let it sit out long enough, the pasta gets hard again. How delightful, the circle of life.
Speaking of immortality. Yeah.

So the pasta started as a butt, and then it's back to a butt? That's right. And after a brief refractory period, it gets hard again.
I have to tell you, Spintex,

I don't know where to put my eyes.

I don't know where to put my eyes. There's a lot.

There's a lot going on. I don't know where to send them.
Keep your eyes out of it, I'd say.

You'll get pink eye for sure. Yeah, use other things.

I don't want to get ick. I don't want to get ick.
I don't want to fish disease. I don't want to.
Are you a fish?

Are you? No. That might be something.
I'm not a fish, but I'm also not.

If you're a fish, you have to tell me. I'm not a fish, but I am a person of the law.
But you don't care about that.

Well, some of this stuff should be. I've never seen anybody go to town on somebody like what's happening all around us right now.
These people didn't just go to town. They went to City Hall.

They went to town. They went to the country.
They went to City Hall. They went to the palace.
They're going big. This isn't for tourists.
I'll tell you right now.

No, this is not for tourists what we're watching. And like I said, I have a thousand bottles of baby oil, cold-pressed from fresh babies.
Well, take one down, pass it around. Listen, I'd love a drink.

Can you just summon me something? Anything at all? Fried oil. I don't want to drink baby oil.
Huh. All right.
It's fresh. I did say.
Fresh babies?

I need something that has alcohol.

But it's oil made from fresh babies, correct? Yes, crushed babies. Yes, I don't want to drink that.
Thank you so much. I don't think I brought this up.

You did. This is your business.
I'm pretty sure that's not the truth, but here's a drink. I'll get you one right now, all right? It's fine, okay? Fine.
What do you want?

I don't want those copper mug drinks. I bet you'd like that.
That's what you're looking for. A copper mug and a spring.
I got a copper mug.

Oh, sure. A copper mug, a Moscow mule.
Something like that. Yes? If you hand me an actual

donkey or something, I'm going to be very upset. I don't.
Please don't be literal. Please, I just want some alcohol to drink right now.
You want you want a

like a vegan mule? Mule substitute? Just send me- just give me something. I'm afraid.
I'm so afraid. But go ahead.
Fine. Rentum masculine dominum.

Here you are. Thank you.
Now, I know it's bubbling and steam is coming off the top, but it's very cold.

So beware.

Blow on it.

Don't blow on it. Oh, no, I blew on it.
I blew right on it. What happens?

Hold on.

Hold on. I'm gonna make a force field around us.

Sorry to all these troops that are dissolving.

I'm not in the force field!

I'm not in the force field! Ah, Carnival Wilson! Carnival Wilson! Carnival Wilson!

Oh, God!

Was the equipment damaged out there and the acid missed? Oh, I think some of our social media stuff got destroyed. That's worthless anyway.

Janessa, you have stumbled upon a great weapon for me in my warfare. And you were gonna just like let me drink that?

I didn't tell you. I told you not to blow on it.

The two of you combined to now arm me with a weapon of mass destruction that will melt the faces and bodies of all my enemies, just like my now-deplet army, which is melting as it copulates around us.

Thank you. Your army is here currently

One-third.

I operate on a one-third system. One-third is out guarding the perimeter.
One-third is out pillaging villages nearby. And the other third is resting,

rejuvenating, and usually having sex in this second tower. Oh, I thought you were going to say reducing.

Why? Because it's another R? That's not what I'm about. I'm not about R's and alleration.

I am about power.

Oh.

Control. Oh, true.
Sounds like GS and I did something good, huh? Yes, absolutely. I will make the two of you generals of my army.

You can come forth and lead my troops, destroying villages, kingdoms, counties, and whatnot. Okay, quick question.
I was thinking maybe more for me. HR.

What, are you spelling something out? Oh, yeah.

Higher relations.

Higher relations. And what sort of role would that do for me? What service would that provide me and my armies?

Ah, well, you know, when they have complaints like, oh, you melted us, or, you know, I didn't get to finish.

Or I wasn't reducing, you know, I was resting. Oh,

you know, then I'd say, oh, well, let's talk about it. What can I do, you know, to make your experience here better?

And then you would tell me who is complaining and then that person would suffer my wrath! Yeah, yeah, that's what HR is.

I think you found a place for yourself here, a hag. Oh,

that's exciting.

I don't know where I would fit in here. I'm just gonna say it.
I can't tell if I'm overqualified or underqualified to do any of this stuff.

Gianessa, I'm so sorry to butt in, but I have, back in my memories of Arnie's life on Earth, done a little bit of hiring here and there.

Gianessa, I'm just curious if you had to imagine for yourself what work you would want to do. Maybe that's something that you could bring to Spintax's army.
Can I tell you something?

What's the job you want to have? I have all of them. I have all of them already.
I've done all of them.

I guess, I don't know, I went on my first vacation recently and I love that. I don't know, I thought I was slowing down, but now I have to, what, train people or fight or lead?

You can do any or all of those things.

Don't you feel tired of being this bastion of morality? Wouldn't you like to have a dalliance with immortality?

Why? Wait, sorry. Amorality? I'm looking for immortality.
Right. But not you won't give it to us.
If I had it to give, I'd give it to myself, goddammit. I understand that.

I pretty much can understand who you are as a a person. Oh, you think you know me? You think you know me? Oh, you're on my show, lady.
Sorry to call you a lady. I know that's not all that you are.

Yes, thank you. I

again don't identify as solely a woman. But I just

you just gave me something to drink that killed a third of your army. I don't understand why you think I'm the one to help you.

I mean, sometimes, sure, I wish I could kill the people that work for me, but I don't. What if you could? Yeah, may I step in as HR? Yeah.

But I'm hearing GNSA as you say. This wasn't in my job description.
Yes. Right? So, but maybe I write, I say back to you, did you have one? Actually, no, I didn't.
Right.

I didn't have a job description, no. Is it fair to say that, you know, what happened, you know, does fit within a job description of a job if it did, if your job doesn't have a description?

Okay, hear me out, Hag. The thing is, I don't think I was given that drink as a part of the job.
I was given a drink that killed a lot of people. At a work function?

Well, it may or may not be a work function. I haven't accepted anything yet.
Oh, I think you got dragged here pretty clearly.

And you consented to walk from tower one to tower two, so at least we know you're interested. So.
Listen, I need recruitment. I just lost a third of my forces.

These other wizards are banging at my gates. You've got to help me marshal more forces.
Tell me one good thing you've ever done.

One good thing I've ever done. Hag, you two.
One good thing he's ever done? No, one good thing you've ever done.

If I'm gonna even consider joining this team, which I may or may not be doing, I need to know there's some good here.

It can all be evil. Oh.

Hmm. I abdicated my throne when I realized I didn't want it.
What? What throne did you have? Oh, it was really small. We got there.
I didn't like it because I was bored. And that's a good thing?

A pass.

You're up, Splinter! My name is Arukosaki. No, sorry.
Forget that. That's not Splinter's name.

One good thing I've done. One good thing I've done.
Well, let's see. When I was on Earth,

I

tamed and trained

a pack of coyotes, and I treated them well. To do what? They rode around on hoverboards and strapped to drones until I killed them all and sewed them together into a monster that was my friend.

And then I let him go and they turned back into coyotes. So again, butthole to butthole, full circle.
That's pretty good.

So, okay.

Okay, it's not. So, how is that landing with you, Gina? It's not great.
It's not great. Thank you for asking.
It's not that great.

Has there ever been a thing that you didn't do that was self-serving? Have you done anything for anybody else, or has it always been for you? Because I am a person who does everything for everyone.

I am not a person who does things for myself. Why?

Because I'm a fool. Oh, so maybe what you could write down is my goals this year are to be less like that.

If you're gonna make me do self-evaluations, I will not take this job. I will not.
We prefer people who are team players, who go above and beyond, and really invest in our culture.

No, this is when you're gonna tell me that there is a culture here, but it's not. It's not a culture.

You're not a family.

You're not a family. And speaking of where is your child? I don't know.
Yes, where is your child? Um, I wanna say

above ground.

Okay, I'm listening.

Yeah, I'm listening. Is it a plump child?

Really plump. Yeah, he's plump as heck.
Woo! You know, it's almost like his little thermometer came out. Do you know what I mean? I absolutely do.

It's okay if you don't. It's okay.
This shouldn't surprise anyone, but I don't. Well, you never roasted a child.
You don't change the subject. No, I've never roasted a child.

I've actually tried to prevent people from roasting child's

children. So this is why I'm a little bit.
Sounds like a strength. Listen.
Tell me I'm not going to do that. I'll do everything for the good of Spin Tax because a powerful Spin Tax is good for Foon.

Why?

Because

who gives a shit about Foon if there's no fucking green wizard, man?

I mean, come on. Everybody loves Spin Tax, right? Look at this! Look at what I've done! Look what I can do! Towers from the ground! Multiple towers! I can build them all over the place!

I can reinvent food! I could give everyone their own tower and fill it with all the gold! But would you?

I might!

Yeah, this is the problem. You can do all these things, but would you? Would you only do good things for Spintex? You want me to train people to fight for you? What am I fighting for? Just for you?

So that you can get whatever you want. But I don't think you're going to give me whatever I want.
You just tried to poison me with a drink.

I think what you want is a break from all this oppressive morality. You know I can remove your will.

I could put you in my thrall and give you the freedom to be as evil, as mean, as selfish and debaucherous as you could imagine. Just so that you could get it out of your system.
Oh, really?

With a snap of a finger, you could just do something like that to me? Yes.

Not that snap, but I could snap two other fingers. These two.

Who are you? Oh, I may have wiped her whole brain. Ow.
Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I know this.
I know this. I am Spintex the Green, Master of the 3rd, 9th, and 12th Realms of Ephesius.
Wielder of Arcane Forces, Compelling the Living and the Dead.

Diviner of unknowable truths, caster of illusions, destroyer of lies, imbiber of the nine deadly Poisons, Dissolver of the Wall of Fire, Author of the Pandenomicon, and winner of the Wizard's Choice Award!

The Dwarves know me as Nickelback Silver Chair, the Angels know me as Mama Casael, the Vampires know me as Cameron Orlando, and in the South I am known as Lonestone Greatcraft.

And there are many other names of which I could regale you of stories on the battlefields as we lay waste to Olafoon and the other wizards. Who do I have to kill? Everyone, anyone?

I don't know why, but I don't feel bad right now, and I will do what you ask me to do. I should have done this at the start.

Yeah, this is gonna make my job a breeze. Yeah, could you design some clothes for Gianessa?

That this can be some sort of dark Gianessa, some sort of inverted color scheme and do her hair different, maybe slick it all black.

I'll slick it all black. I'll slick it all.
I'll slick it all black. I'll slick it all black.
Oh, yeah, and I can picture the garments now. I'll pick them out of my heap.
You know what I mean?

I got a lot of stuff in that heap that you peeled off me. Wonderful, and give her a little goatee.

So we know. She has the beginnings of one.
I can finish it. Yeah, just darken that up a little bit.
She's got a little billy goat going on. Just a couple stray wire ones.

I've been trying to grow it out for some time now. Thank you, and I really appreciate your help.
You got it. Uh, Spintax, I'm so sorry to interrupt.
Do you mind looking over some of this sponsor copy

just to make sure that there are ads that you're comfortable with having on the show. I have to read ads?

Just look it over. We can record them later.

Oh, and Gianessa, could I, Evil Gianessa, can I speak to you privately for a second while he looks over that stuff? Yes. Better help.

I don't know if I can do this.

Is this going to snap you out of it?

You're making silly music with your fingers. I guess so.
I'm sorry. Look, I'm not good.
I'm not evil. I'm just a trickster god.

And if I'm gonna be running his podcast, I feel like I have to betray him in at least some sort of small way, so I'm gonna try to help you escape, but I don't know how to like un-evil your mind.

Okay,

um,

I'm not feeling any particular loyalty to anyone, I think something's really fucked up with me right now, and I'll do whatever. You want to get out of here, I'll sell that guy immediately.

I'll sell him out. Okay, all right, so I guess you can escape with your brain fucked up.
I guess that's not the the end of the world. I don't...
Uh

are there any other options? Because I guess this is what we gotta do. Um

let me just try hitting your head really hard and seeing if that does anything. Really hard.
Okay, I'm gonna use the statue.

Oh god.

Oh

what's going on over here? Are you guys fighting? Knock it off. Get away.
Separate. Oh, we're touching.
No, Tokyo. No, no, no, no.
We're not doing anything. Gonna have to fill out an accident report.

Great.

Take me to the place where that happens. That's your department to Hague? Yeah, where's my office? Your office? Yeah.

That's the other one. Let's see.
What's the

wait? I want this guy to take me there. Oh, yeah, I'll take you.
I'll take you there. Let this guy take me.
Yeah, I can do Carnival Wilson. I'm a trickster cod.

Okay, yeah.

Follow me. Okay.
Okay.

How is your brain feeling? I don't understand what I'm seeing. I can't really work my eyes very well, and I don't know my name, but for some reason I feel safe with you.

Okay, well, you shouldn't, because I'll probably also betray you.

But here,

I think the best way to escape, here, here's a parachute. Put this on, and I can jump out that window.

You can parachute down to the ground, and you can escape, I think, before he can marshal the two-thirds of his forces to go after you. Okay, what's um can I ask you something sure personal.

Yeah, I'll probably lie, but what's pouring out of my head right now? Is it my own blood?

Um, it's someone else's, so I wouldn't worry about it. Okay, yeah, you should have seen the other guy.
Okay, thank you, thank you so much. I'm just gonna hop right out

later, losers.

I feel bad about lying about that parachute, but she probably survived. Did you hear that, Hag?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did.
I hear that a lot, though. Is that me? Is it coming from my head? Or can you hear it, too?

Hag, I should let you know. I've made copies of you as we've walked around in here.
Oh, great. Yeah, because sometimes,

you know, that...

What am I trying to say? That makes sense.

I use the magic for my multifaceted gemstone to duplicate you.

I like to have copies of people in case I need to kill them or in case I need to make them doubt that they are the real versions of themselves, and other people can take over, things like that.

Oh, I always wanted a sister. Well, you should never meet, it'll blow your mind.
Okay, all right.

She's over there, your copy's over there, uh, which is actually in a jail cell.

Um, the both of them are over there in jail cells. I'm keeping them as part of a collection that I'm making.
Oh, cool.

I collect all those

porcelain things that have sharp edges. Broken porcelain? Oh yeah, broken porcelain.
That's what I collect. It's too hard to keep it in one piece.

You know, if it's a long-term collection, it should be broken. Yeah.
Yeah, if they're coming down the river, right? Right.

You ever swallow a piece of porcelain, thinking it's a pill, but it's a jagged little pill? Oh. Isn't that ironic?

I swallowed a dish. Okay, yeah, one time I swallowed a packing peanut style.
What was it packing?

Oh, oh, fear and anxiety, because I didn't know what it was going to do to me. I think that's part of the adventure adventure of taking pills you find.

So, what are the holidays going to be like around here? We celebrate all holidays by working twice as hard. Oh, we know that our enemies will be relaxing.

We offer truce, uh, truces and ceasefires, but we do not honor them.

Okay. Oh, I just had an idea.
You know, I like this.

I haven't worked in an office in a long time. Do you think you could send one of my copies back to cut hair? I'd hate to lose my clients.
Certainly, and to look after your plump little boy. Yeah.

Well, he's good for a while. Like I said, he's plump and he could take some time off.
Alright, you stay here with me.

I'll send the copies of you and Gianessa back to where they come from until I get a better sense of what this premonition means.

So they can get a hold of you both and rip immortality from the two of you somehow. Oh, yeah.
I still think I might have to smush you together. Okay.
Make some sort of a poultice out of your bodies.

You know, I'm into it. Until you get your postmonition, I'll be here.
And if it makes swooshin', if smushing is the sacred sauce, I'm into it.

Well, that you know, that's the phrase that ends every episode.

Do you know what that time that is?

When you smush the thing on the top of it, and we know that we're coming to a close, and all you spin tax fans out there, uh, send in letters to uh uh puppies at email.com or whatever it is, uh, and uh send money via Venmo codes and and QR things

so we can all live happily ever after and I can fund my army.

Carnival?

That's great. Let's see, let me make sure I save this.

I deleted it all. Oh no!

Well, let's take it from the top. Okay, so after the theme song plays, you say hello from the magic tavern.
I say hello from the magic tavern. Yeah, that's just how podcasts start.

But we're not in the magic tavern. Am I here yet?

Well, are we happy with what we wished for? I suppose we can debate this for the rest of our lives. It can be a whole Last Jedi kind of thing.
Who were all those sea listers?

Spintax the Green was played by Charlie McCracken. Ahag, the hair stylist, was played by Colleen Doyle.
Gianessa was played by Dana Quercioli.

Check out Colleen and Dana's hilarious podcast, Those Who Ant, wherever you get your podcasts. Carnival Wilson was played by fresh new talent on the scene, Arnie Niekamp.

Oh yes, the podcast is taking two weeks off. What is this crawling across my face? I believe it's called a smile.
For your emotionally complicated North American Earth holiday, Thanksgiving.

So for the next two Mondays, we'll drag some previously exclusive bonus content out from behind the Patreon paywall and post it to the main feed.

Then we'll be back with a new episode on Monday, December 2nd. The holiday gift nobody wanted.

Speaking of the Patreon, Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Supporters like Sailor, Golden Cyborg72, Adrian, Zugarott, JKJ,

Skirtin Outa Skur, not a vowel to be found in that utterance, Deadly Serious Oscar, well Oscar, if you want to avoid laughing, you've come to the right place. Ethan Peterson, Skylar L, and Cat Hughes.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two-do a bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the latest bonus episode: a video where Arnie Matt, Brooke Bright, Ryan DeGiorgi, and someone named Tim Sniffin play the jackbox naughty pack with Patreon supporters on the Discord.

I didn't understand any of those words. Here's the clip.

Aw, shit.

Pretty good answer. What do you think is the faker? I was dying.
I was like, would anyone

somebody please put two?

Yeah. Well,

Brooke and Arnie would have an excuse.

Mine are too old. They're past that.

They're past that.

I opened the video again just because I was trying to get a look.

I don't know who to pick here. It was never Ryan.
Oh, no, it was Ryan during the game. I'm going to go on.
You can go ahead and vote for me. Just to

figure out whether it's Arnie. What a polite accusation.

Although, I do know for a fact that Sniffin never wipes his ass, so he's probably

disappointed. You know why? Because it tells a story.
It's like the rings of animals.

To hear the rest, shudder. Or watch the rest.
And to learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern. Looking for one more reason to join the Patreon?

Season three of Shadow City with Anthony Birch starts on the Magic Tavern Patreon later this month. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer Anna Hoverman.
This episode edited by Anna Hoverman.

Look at you, Anna, picking up the hammer and tongs and stepping right up to the forge. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.
Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.