Season 5, Ep 33 - Three Hovering Rods (w/ John Moe)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And as the saying goes, some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some provide the opening remarks and final credits to a weekly audio transmission, while their collection of Hallmark Christmas movie miniature figurines goes seriously undusted.

Be that as it may, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wander Lost, in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my good butt, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Aww, yeah, baby.

How you doing, bud?

I'm doing good.

I'm a...

Bit confused, I guess.

What are you confused about?

Um, I was going through through your stuff the other day.

No big deal.

Don't freak out.

Whatever you found is, I'm sure, like,

it's totally cool and normal.

And I found a book or tome.

Okay, this could go either way.

Called Catch Her in the Rye.

Catch Her in the Rye?

And I thought it would be some sort of like,

I don't know, salacious

romp.

And it was so weird.

And

I don't know why I'm saying this, but I would say, like, over-celebrated for some reason.

Huh, you could tell just from reading it with no cultural context, do you think that it's an over-celebrated book?

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, you know what?

I think you're a phony.

What?

I think you are a phony.

You know what?

I'm going to keep this book on me at all times.

And I'm going to find you, Neekamp.

I'm going to find you, and I'm going to take you out.

Or my name isn't Chunt, middle name, last name.

I am also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Dracis.

The Elves know me as Fearing Yalik, the Dwarves know me as Zonan and Ogstenes.

And I am known throughout the Northeast as Gaswanius Maystar.

Come to Daddy Boy.

Chunt, we should get you a middle name and a last name.

I love names.

Could I?

Oh, guys, could I?

Could I, please?

Oh, could I?

Well,

let's see.

I love

Q as a middle initial.

I see what's happening here.

So perhaps you're Chunt Quentin.

Oh.

Arnie, what's a good last name?

I don't know, but I'm curious,

what did you think was happening here?

What did you think we were going to try to trick you into doing?

Well, in my head, I'm like, of course, someone's going to say Chunt P.

Badger or Chunt Q Badger.

And it started happening, but then you sort of said Quentin Kneekamp?

Chunt Q kniekamp.

Chunt Quintin Kneekamp, and I think that's just tops.

Okay.

Alright, do we wanna...

Is there anything we need to do in this world to seal a name change?

Sure, you just have to sign these adoption papers.

Well, I don't know.

That's a big responsibility.

Can't we just be like cousins or something?

Chunt, do you want him to sign the cousin papers instead?

I mean, I'd prefer you adopt me, but I guess if cousin's the best I can get, then I'll take it.

I'll take it.

Here you go.

Uh, kissing cousins form.

Oh, wait.

Oh, wait, we just have to kiss the form.

Okay.

Now it's done.

And of course, I was just in the form of a form.

All right, cuz.

Congratulations on your new cousinhood.

Wow.

This is a big deal.

I just had no idea when I woke up this morning that you were going to be family.

Yeah.

Wow, this is.

I mean, we're already sort of family in a fast and furious country.

Sure, yeah.

Like when you meet your dad's friend and he's like, this is your uncle.

And I'm like, well, maybe, but it seems more like a friend.

Oh, this is so cool.

You said Arnie, like, it's a what?

Like, in a fast and furious way.

In the way that we're just always talking so fast and really mad at each other.

Yeah.

You think of us as family.

Yeah.

Because

I don't think of the two of you as family.

I love that both of you.

I don't get that wrong.

But I don't think of you as family.

Because I was born of a conspiracy of bird and wind and rain and fire that insisted there be a champion.

And I did come fully formed into this world to insist that good triumph over evil.

That's right, cuz he doesn't know what family even is.

Wait, what?

Totally, cuz.

I gotcha.

Wait, seek secret handshake.

Oh, oh,

and to finish.

Oh,

hell,

sir.

Look at you, Zori's a regular holding coffield over here.

What?

What does that mean?

Phony.

What?

I want to be in the family now.

Well, are there papers for are there any family slots open?

Here, I'll sign these adoption papers and make you my son, honey.

Arnie, also, family slots open was on your recent Google search history on your phone.

That's private.

Sorry, sorry, I'll pretend I didn't see it.

Oh, I'm looking around the bar, cuz, and I don't see

I don't see any sort of animal or troll or like a prince or anything.

I don't see like a a guest.

Do we have a guest today?

There is.

I don't know what this is.

There's something floating over towards us.

Oh, yeah, it's sort of humming.

Oh, wait.

It's not really floating as much as it's hovering.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey, hello.

Hey, guys.

Oh.

Hi.

Hey, guys.

That's how you say it.

Hey.

Hey, guys.

You nailed it.

Hey.

Hey.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I've been working at it.

Yeah.

Now,

do you mind joining us?

Do you mind if we ask you a few questions?

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Oh, thank you.

Yes.

Okay, good.

I mean, I don't, no, I don't mind.

Yes.

Great.

I would like to.

Yes.

Hi.

Hi.

So, are you to look at you, and I apologize if I get any of this wrong, you seem to just be three hovering rods, Arnie.

No, no, no, that's that's fair.

That is good.

I mean, I, I, um, that is a truth about myself that I am three hovering rods.

Um,

just uh, you know, probably

uh 16 to 17 inches

long.

Must be nice.

Not bad.

Each of my rods.

Sure.

Cylindrical.

I had thought,

given the sort of,

I guess, the

mortal

accoutrements, the clothing that I have on me, that maybe I would blend.

But

I haven't, but that's okay.

Oh, that's right.

And it's true.

You do seem to have some clothes kind of draped over your rods.

Thanks.

And three very tiny and adorable hats.

Thank you.

That I

don't really pass you off as a humanoid.

If that's what you were going for, I'd say.

No, that's fair.

That's fair.

I need to hear this stuff.

No,

maybe it was too many hats.

Yeah.

Because now I'm gathering, looking around the tavern.

Most people go with the one hat

if they do a hat at all.

This is a very hat-forward place, to be clear.

So you were right about that.

Like almost everybody is wearing a hat.

But I also understand the instinct.

Were I three hovering rods, I'd say, well, each rod needs a hat.

Gets a hat.

Yeah.

Not to be confused with the three rods who hover.

Anytime I order mozzarella wands, all three rods are like, ooh, are those mozzarella wands?

I'm like, you know, they are.

Get out of here, big Rodney, little Rodney, and other Rodney.

No, those mozzarella mozzarella guys.

Yeah, no, not that.

Thank you.

That does lead me to the question, though, three hovering rods.

Yeah.

With the hats, it makes me wonder: are you collectively one

identity, or are you three?

No, no, it's just me.

Three hovering rods.

You know, I maybe if you wanted to give me a nickname,

T

H R or thir

Fir.

Yeah, no, it's just me.

The beings

that I come from

exist in a sort of series of multiple

geometrical

hovering entities.

Wow, I've never heard somebody call their parents the beings that I come from.

Well, you haven't

literally makes sense.

You haven't met my polygons.

Sorry to ask such rude and invasive questions, but you must understand that Arnie is sending this back to his world

as an audio format.

So sometimes people may not

visualize you unless we ask these things.

What is the composition of those rods?

Is it graphite?

Is it steel?

Is it wood?

I can't.

There's like a faint glow about you that I can't quite

parse what you're made of.

You know, it's a material that

to name it sort of transcends the language

from what I, but I just met.

I just, just metal.

Just metal.

You know, okay.

Yeah.

Just a sort of

dense metal.

Dense metal.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that sounds kind of tough, doesn't it?

Yeah, they're very kind of

funny.

Dense metal, three little hats.

But to me, I mean, this is...

I just love this.

I love coming down here.

I love, you know, just wearing clothes.

This is a tremendous adventure to me.

Now, I noticed you said coming down here.

Yeah.

Which

indicates some sort of

descending from some other place.

Where do you come from originally?

Do Do you know the darkened hills?

Oh, yes, I love the darkened hills.

The darkened hills?

Yeah.

Yes,

sometimes I go up there with my horse Grimhoof and we do all manner of foul and unholy

incantation.

Oh,

that was bugging me.

That's where I knew you from.

Yeah.

It's from the hidden glens and the darkened hills and the circles and the blue fire.

Yeah, that's yeah.

No, I love you guys.

Thank you.

Awesome.

Yeah.

So, no, I descend down here and,

you know, put on clothes because I just find you so, all of you so fast.

It's just adorable, this thing.

You know, people at tables and drinking drinks.

It's just,

I just,

it's just so nice.

Oh, would you like to try to drink a drink?

Oh, could I?

Sure, we can get you out and see what happens.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, real quick.

Yeah, yeah.

If he needs to like dip each one of his rods in a drink to kind of like get the gist of it, I don't want to pay for three drinks.

I don't.

I can cover it.

It's all right.

Then I'll take a ooh.

King's juice.

I just had one.

Maybe like a mulberry spritzer.

You've got it, nephew.

Son?

You know what?

I feel like I always have the same drinks.

I never have...

the drinks Chunt drinks.

I'm going to have a King's Juice.

I'm going to have my cousin's drink.

A little bit of raspberry?

Yeah, I'll take a little little raspberry in mine.

Yeah.

Thanks, and thanks, Uncle Yussi.

And Thur,

did you want three different drinks or one drink?

Oh, no, just one.

Just one.

Because

that's how it's done.

Would you like an ale to start with?

Just to start with like a classic ale?

Is that a good one?

Is that a good one for some classic?

For a reason.

Okay.

To be clear, Thur, none of them are good to start.

None of them.

It's going to be bad.

All right.

But, you know, it's a learning experience.

No,

that sounds great.

I'm just

happy to be a part of things.

So, yes, and it will be nice.

I'll be right back with those drinks.

Third, do you mind?

I'm curious to hear a little bit more about these shapes that you came from.

What is your relationship?

You know, where family is so much on our mind right now.

What's your relationship like with your family?

Well,

I mean, to be honest,

it's a lot of kind of gathering in a circle or perhaps a more complex shape depending on how many of us there are um

you know gather like in a clearing in the mountains and we kind of just all hover there and then there's some sort of celestial it's awful it's just awful and it goes on for days

just hovering just hovering in the clearing it's it's just and i think everybody else is getting a lot more out of it than than I do because they're, I don't know if they're omniscient, but they're they're really smart, and I'm just occasionally clever.

I'm just not as, I'm just not as smart as the rest of them.

And so, you know, I kind of, my being here is kind of, you know, big fish little pond, kind of thinking like I might be on the smart side for this.

Well, let's not make any assumptions too fast.

Okay, all right.

Third, so when you're in the clearing with all the other shapes for days and days, is it one of those things where all the other shapes are leaving the circle being like, wow, wow.

that was amazing and you're just like ah wow okay yeah no i kind of i end up sort of playing little mental games by myself you know like uh like okay how many rocks can i count in the next 30 seconds you know and and then i i challenge see if i could beat the the record but yeah no there everybody else comes out of it like

They can't put it into words what they've gone through.

It was such a transcendent experience, but I can put it into words what I've gone through.

Hovering is pretty much the word.

Humming.

I guess it's two words.

A couple of king's juices and an ale for our new friend and a basket of mozzarella wands.

Get out of here.

Get back.

Rodney's.

La Rods who hover.

Get out of here.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Well, let me just position my rods around this glass.

Okay.

All right.

I think, is it starting to go down a little bit?

I see the level of the liquid in the glass.

Okay.

It is going down.

Oh.

That is.

He's drunk.

He's drunk.

Oh, man.

I.

Okay.

How's my hovering?

Honestly.

A little lopsided.

But still not bad.

You look great.

Okay.

Do me a favor.

Do this.

Do this.

Woo.

Woo.

Like that?

Nailed it.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Did you like the little rod quivering when I did it?

A little, yeah.

Yeah.

A little vibration, a little shaking.

There is a little test we do sometimes if we want to know if you're drunk or not.

Alright.

Do you see that straight line?

Yes.

Can you copy it exactly?

Let me try.

Hold on.

Let me move away from the glass here.

Okay.

You know,

you seem a little buzzed.

Yeah, you seem a little buzzed.

I seem a little buzzed.

Okay, well, you know,

this is all new to me.

I mean, I, you know,

this is all part of the same experience to me is the hats, the

scarf, the dress shirt that, you know, I have on here, and then the ale.

I'm like, oh yeah,

I'm a guy in a tavern kind of thing.

Yeah, I'm buying it.

Oh, good.

Oh, my goddesses.

I am such an asshole.

I am so sorry.

I've been eating mozzarella wands.

Are you, are these like, are these related to you or like?

No.

Oh, no.

Oh.

Would you like one?

Would you want to eat another straight line of a

no?

I that would be spooky.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Drinking is one thing, but eating, that seems like a lot.

It's a lot to ask, I think.

We'll work up to it.

Okay, maybe we'll work up to it.

Maybe with some more ale.

Maybe with some more ale.

And maybe right after this break.

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And I had a question about the scarf.

Now, I notice you've wrapped around all three of the rods.

Yes.

Tied it into several knots.

Yes.

Was that a like a knitting needle situation?

How'd you pull that off?

Okay.

So

you know what a simple machine is.

Lever,

pulley, wedge.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

We made a complex machine last week.

Yeah.

Okay.

So

if you look at

lean in real close, let's say to rod two here.

Lean in real close.

Look in there.

You see there?

Like millions of little simple machines.

I got rows and rows of levers and pulleys, and those take care of a lot of the object manipulation that I need to do when I'm, you know, going mortal, you know, going down here and

hanging with you guys.

So, yeah, it's a slow process of fixing all these things.

That's why, you know, folks where I come from, bunch of nudies.

But to me, it's all these little simple machines putting this on.

Yeah, it's truly incredible and and and massively uh impressive.

Uh I I wonder if um

I don't know how else to say this.

Are you an artifact of the goddesses?

Are you some sort of divine

being that we should

bow down to or pledge our allegiance to?

I don't think so.

I mean, this is this is the kind of pickle that I'm in, is that I think to truly understand the wonder that is me requires a level of wisdom and intelligence that, darn it, I can't seem to get to.

You know what, though?

We've all been there.

How do you feel like to understand the wonder of me?

I haven't been able to.

That's my life.

That's my life's journey to understand the wonder of myself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, do you hover?

Um, I generally don't hover.

I mean, I guess there have been some situations where I've hovered, uh, but usually not by my own accord.

Okay.

Yes, not of your own volition.

Uh, I think I'm the only one.

Well, Chunch, you could probably hover if you wanted to, right?

Uh, I think I'd have to shapeshift into something that flies or floats, right?

Yeah,

and I hover, but not as a rule.

Um, but maybe I should more.

It seems like uh it's some sort of path to uh a higher state of consciousness.

It could be.

It could be.

I mean, I really should have pursued that kind of education further.

I should have gone to school.

I should have paid attention.

I shouldn't have just, you know,

come down here and,

you know, be powered by infinitesimally powerful, tiny gyroscopes that

allow me to do this.

You know,

I should have used this for something else.

But again, everybody else mostly just gathers in a circle and has this sort of transcendent thing.

I just don't get it.

Okay, wait a minute.

Now, Thur, when you mentioned you should have gone to college,

you

I want to say you dropped something, but I don't know if you can drop something.

I see it here, it's an acceptance letter to Hovard.

Is that a school?

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you look closely, it says Hubbard job training program on it.

Okay.

This was a gag because

I didn't get into Hovard university.

And so I thought, you know, and this was the others playing kind of a gag on me,

making that there was like a job training vocational tech kind of thing

that there isn't.

Yeah.

So the others

of your kind,

what would they major in if they did go to Hubbard?

I think probably like engineering.

Quantum mechanics and

vision, these sorts of things that Arnie has mentioned that I only vaguely understand.

I think a lot of them, there's alchemy majors.

Ooh.

Yeah.

There's

some people have come back with degrees that just say oneness.

And, you know, I don't know what to do with that.

You know, I feel like that kind of degree seems like a good idea at the time.

I feel like you're going to college and you're like, you know what, I'm going to major in oneness.

But then...

You're going to major in oneness, and everybody else back home already has a sense of oneness.

So where are the jobs?

It's like, yeah, exactly ayahuasca.

We get it.

Yeah.

And they say, look, if you're a oneness, you can get a job as anything, but still, you probably should pick up a skill.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, and so, I mean, to me, like, where the way I pay my bills, like, clearing the rocky outcropping for the standing around or hovering around, seeing each other kind of thing.

And I don't know, man, it's just, I think there's, I think there's more to life.

Like, like this ale.

Let me let me wrap around this ale again.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

No, that is not good, but kind of good also at the same time, isn't it?

Right, right.

Yeah.

Third, I appreciate that you like so many people, you're like, I could go to school, but instead I'm going to dedicate time to learning how to drink.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you know, I mean, that's why I have the backpack.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, yes.

I wanted to ask what was in there, but I didn't want to be

rude.

Yeah.

So are there other

mortal

humanoid

activities that you're interested in, in, particularly?

Are there any that have

caught your eye?

Well, I mean, I'm drawn to candle making,

obviously, for the sexy stuff right out of the gate.

Yeah, like the shape, and you know, that you could have a rod and it's on fire, and then it disappears after a while.

Oh, yeah.

You know,

I want to learn all about that.

Okay.

Like

root vegetables, I don't know what's going on with them.

Yeah.

You put something in the dirt and it comes back as another thing.

Like to me, you know, like that's that's cool.

Like, I think to a lot of people, three hovering rods is

magical and cool.

But to me, like a

rootabaga is, you know, really does the trick.

Have you thought about plumbing?

They're sort of like twisty rods that send water everywhere.

Yes.

And they seem to, I mean, I was in the restroom restroom earlier.

Wow.

Well,

curious.

I mean, I don't secrete.

I don't secrete at all.

But,

you know, and the ale I've consumed becomes a sort of subatomic mist when I'm through with it.

But, yeah, I was noticing the plumbing because these are bendy rods that seem to hover in place.

I mean, they're gravity bound, but to my way of purposes, it's just like, you know, abstract portraiture.

Well, I think we've all been in the restroom because we're curious at some point or the other.

But

I just want to know how we might assist you.

What other activities could we help you with even this evening?

Or

perhaps we could call a provost or something.

I don't know how he's supposed to help.

Yeah.

No, I mean, if there are any games,

if you guys know any games, you know,

people where I come from,

it's not a lot of fun.

It's okay.

Fun is not prioritized.

I have the perfect game for your very first game, Thur.

I have to assume it's your first game.

I'm not sure.

Yes, yes, totally.

This is a classic called Cat or Doctor.

Now, someone is going to do an impression, and you have to guess if they're doing an impression of a cat or a doctor.

That's true.

One of our oldest games.

Favorite.

All-time favorite.

Okay.

Shunt, do you want to start or should I start?

Why don't you start?

I'm sorry, but the prognosis is not good.

You have measles.

It's nurturing sounding.

It's caring.

It seems like something that somebody would say when they're cozying up into your lap.

I'm going to go with the cat.

Damn it.

Ooh, nice one.

Third.

You got your first one.

Really?

Because I was going to guess doctor on that one.

Really?

Why?

Because of the prognosis of measles.

Didn't you see the way I sort of licked the back of my hand?

He was cleaning himself.

Yeah, I just thought that

was weird stuff that you do.

Now, Arnie,

we're going to have you go, but keep in mind that the last time we played, we got in a big fight because you wouldn't stop playing Dr.

Cats

and giving a big shitty grin for some reason.

Oh, yeah.

I was squiggling all over the place.

Let's see.

I'll do.

Okay.

That was fine.

What was it?

What are you doing?

You're just sort of stretching.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, is it whose short is it?

I think I know.

I don't want to jump ahead, though.

Third, do you want to take a guess?

That is,

you seem to have something in your mouth.

I believe that to be a hair ball.

And so I'm going to say again, cat.

Wow.

Arnie, was that right?

Arnie.

I'm afraid it was a doctor choking on a hair ball.

Oh, wow.

I was so close.

I thought it was a doctor choking on a cat.

I mean, it was cat hair.

So you were onto something.

Yeah, I was on the right track.

I'll go real quick and then through you'll bring it home.

Okay, here we go.

All right.

me

ow

me ow

it's a tricky one.

Is it possible it's like a self-diagnosing doctor?

Let Thur figure it out.

Thurg's clearly a genius from another dimension or something.

I don't know what the hell's going on.

Yeah.

I think that is that's some sort of healer, which a cat can be, but I think that is a caring individual who is hurt and understands pain.

Ooh,

a doctor.

Yeah, it was a doctor.

Okay.

Good job.

You're great, third.

And then

you've seen how it's played, so now

we'll have you super guests while you go ahead and choose Cat or Doctor.

Okay, so Cat or Doctor.

All right, this is

great.

I don't know if this is a great game because, again, it's my first one.

I have nothing to compare it to.

Thank you for your honesty.

It's a wonderful game.

But it is automatically my favorite game I've ever played.

Well, good.

And the worst.

All right.

I...

All right.

So, Catarduct.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Oh.

Oh.

The rods are just kind of spinning.

Are we sure he's playing?

He's not just thinking of how he's going to play.

Sir, are you okay?

Is the ale having some sort of reaction?

Yeah, but I think I'm better.

To sum up.

Okay?

Cat or doctor.

Okay.

Isidora?

I guess.

Let me think about it.

I have to think about it.

Okay.

I'm going to say doctor.

But the doctor was a woman.

Wait, it's either a doctor or a woman.

Can't be both.

No, no, no, Chunt.

The The doctor was a woman.

How?

Get with the times, man.

How?

Isn't that a nurse?

Maybe on Arnie's world, but not here.

Okay.

Thir, is there any

like social things you'd like to?

I mean, obviously the game is social, but like...

Yeah.

Would you like us to introduce you to people?

Oh, sure, but first I need you to take your guess as to whether that was a cat or a doctor.

Oh, I guessed doctor.

Oh, you guessed doctor.

Okay.

It was a cat.

Damn it.

It was the inner harmony with the universe of a cat.

That's what it sounds like.

Oh.

I'm pretty good at impressions.

Third, you want to know my secret strategy for this game?

Yeah.

My secret strategy is to almost never answer because no matter what you say, the other person is going to say it's the other thing.

What?

Oh, yes.

That's not how this works at all.

Seems like it.

I don't think so.

And then you think if they're going to say the other thing, then you say, well, maybe I'll say that other thing, and then maybe it was the first thing all along.

Exactly.

You can make yourself crazy.

While these two mental giants parse through the game, why don't we take another quick break and we'll be right back with more games?

Oh, well, there's a lot of interesting stuff in here.

I like this slide whistle.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, that's.

Yeah, I didn't really know what to pack, and so I kind of just took the

objects left behind by hikers who have died up in the darkened hills.

Well, if you take a slide whistle into the darkened hills, you're definitely going to die.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I mean, that's...

I feel no guilt about that one.

Yeah,

the bird seed that's in there,

I don't know what that expedition was about, but yeah, I figured I'd bring that along.

Maybe I'd run across a hungry bird.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm still new to this.

I have so many friends who are birds.

I don't know if you know this about me, but I love birds.

I would trade you that bird seed for something.

Let's see.

Oh, I have here, I have a rock.

A mystical gem.

Whoever owns this rock shall ne'er be hungry.

Oh, this the gray one here?

Yeah, the gray one.

Yeah, what do you think about that?

You want to trade that for that bird seed?

Yeah, totally.

Yeah.

Wait, you guys, is that a good deal?

Am I being hustled?

Do do you ever get hungry, though?

No.

Anyway?

Not really.

Is this like seeds you feed birds?

Or is this like seeds that when you plant them grow into birds?

Because the second one's pretty cool.

Oh, good question.

I don't know.

I thought it was to feed them, but I guess we could, you know, like, I've got all the time in the world to find out.

Yes.

I ain't dying anytime soon.

Oh, you're immortal?

Not quite.

Okay.

I'm almost immortal, which I guess makes me mortal, but it's a gray area.

Yeah.

I'm not feeling well.

You're sort of pen-mortal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Paramortal.

Paramortal.

I engage in paramortal activities.

Hey!

Get the hell away from the table.

These are our mozzarella sticks.

Those Rodneys.

Guys, let's collectively agree to not give them any respect.

I like Lil Rodney.

I like Rap and Rodney.

He had his day.

Yeah.

But he's banned from the tavern, yeah, unfortunately.

It used to be four Rods who hover, but Rap and Rodney got kicked out.

Yeah, that's for the best.

Yeah.

No respect.

You said they're all right.

I'm fine.

Everything's fine.

I just...

Those Rodneys, oh, how they vex me trying to steal our food with their grubby little hands.

Yeah, I mean, I, I, like, I don't know.

Maybe I'm a snob, but, like, I like to keep my hovering rods fairly smooth.

You know, like, if you look in close, I do have the layers and layers of millions of simple machines.

But the veneer is so important.

You've got to make yourself look nice, especially if you're going out, you know, to meet people.

Oh, wait a minute.

Thir,

dressing up, looking nice, keeping smooth.

Are you trying to get into

Are you trying to get physical with someone, Rod?

I mean, third?

Um, you know,

I mean, if

something

comes of that, I,

you know, just see where the night

takes me.

It's going to take me hovering.

I know that.

And, you know, I guess I don't understand the physics really of how that would work.

And

I'm scared.

Sure.

Sure, sure.

That's natural.

It's natural to be scared.

Is it?

When two rods love each other.

Oh, boy.

I'm not really sure where this goes.

I've never seen rods.

Amongst the shapes, is there any kind of procreation?

Oh, here we go.

Yeah.

It's called an emergence.

And it's odd because you expect it to be a lot more majestic than it is.

But, you know, in some of these, I guess they're ceremonies where we're just hovering around looking at each other, somebody's like a flap will just open

on a spring, and then there'll be like a squirting sound, and then a new shape or multiple shapes constituting a single being will just sort of fly out, and then there'll be a kind of like boy oh, yo, yo, yo, sound.

Yeah, that's just like what, yeah, that's just like what happens with us, too.

Yeah, boy, yo, yo, yang, part of a show.

The flap opens, and there's a squirting sound.

Yeah, this is the basically one-for-one.

for one.

Yeah, kind of a honking sort of thing.

If you're doing it right.

Oh, yeah, if you're doing it right.

Okay, yeah.

So when the little door opens, you could maybe even say it like says like, swing.

Yeah.

Yep.

Shwing, doyoy, yo, yoang.

Maybe let's see that.

Sorry, I'm drunk.

Never mind me.

I'm drunk.

Yeah, that doesn't do anything.

What I'm trying to do.

And then if the shape isn't very impressive, if it's just like a cube, then it's just sort of like a

slide whistle.

So there's kind of a hierarchy to shapes then,

whereas three rods would be very impressive, three hovering rods, excuse me,

a cube might be like

not that impressive.

A cube, yeah, you hope that it's going to take on new facets eventually, but

yeah, not.

I mean, and even rods, you know, I'm cylinders.

I'm three cylinders.

I'm not like five dodecahedrons.

Like, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So are there some of the shapes that you know are they're, they're in sums greater than three?

Like, like, what's the biggest collection of shapes you know as one entity?

Um, you know,

I know some sevens.

Um, I know, I know a couple sixes.

Um, I know four pyramids.

There used to be five pyramids.

And there was an accident.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

And, um, you know so it's it's a little it's it's tough you know it's got to be tough when you lose one of your pyramids you probably always have a phantom pyramid yeah i i think so and i mean they're they're great like i have known them for a long time uh and they're great but it's it's tough you know if you if you take risks with your five pyramids, sometimes it's 20% off, you know what I'm saying?

Arnie, don't I recall you saying you knew some LA sixes?

You said Indiana 10s, LA 6s?

That makes me sound very shallow, which I am.

So, yes.

Yes.

Fair.

And you said you host a podcast with a couple of fours?

Yes.

What podcast?

Yeah, what podcast?

It's called Hello from the Magic Tavern.

What?

It's okay, cuz.

You have two podcasts named Hello from the Magic Tavern?

Arnie.

You speak to your father like that.

That's the shape that gave that you came out of, or whatever.

I forget what Thurs said.

The objects that produced you, or something, yeah, yeah, just the

all sorts of Hedrons and gons and

things like that.

And

we, and I gotta say, Arnie, too, we love podcasts up there in the

darkened mountains.

Yeah, we're all all the shapes are Bluetooth compatible, and

we've heard of that, and,

you know, so it picks up just fine.

Have have you are there other can you pick up podcasts from other worlds or just this one or do you not even know where they come from don't always know where they come from we don't know if new episodes just aren't loading or if the thing went out of production right and we can listen to like 10 to 12,000 at the same time

wow so you'll catch up in five years

yeah that's right uh thir I just want to help you continue your immortal journey.

Have you ever considered ordering your own drink at the bar for a moment while I talk to Arnie and Shunt?

Yeah, sure.

No, I'll let me go give that a try.

Did you guys notice?

Oh, go ahead.

No, you.

I was gonna say, did you guys notice every time he goes into a glass of ale, he points due north?

I did notice that.

What do you think it means?

Divining rod, right?

Oh.

That ties into the thing I want to talk to the two of you about.

What if I?

I don't know?

Let's say.

Come on, Uncle Usidor, just say it.

Captured, captured these three rods, and I put them into a staff, and then I would have the most powerful wizard staff in the world.

But you're gonna just capture and

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yes, all right, you're so perfect.

I mean, I guess that works.

Would you keep the hats on, though?

I don't know.

Maybe they could be encased in wood, so you wouldn't be able to talk.

Yeah, if you fight someone and they see you have a staff with a hat on it, you know they're going to ask for the name.

They're going to be like, What's that thing called?

And then you're going to be like, Uh, it's called the

destructor, or you're going to say something dumb.

I think we got to lose the hats.

Ah,

always coming back.

I got so many compliments on hat number two.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, not everyone can pull off a Kangle.

Yeah, no, especially with the propeller on the top.

Because,

and they like is that how you're hovering?

No, that's not how it's just for show

But yeah, no, I mean these and the thing about the hats is that they are more or less fused to me

for the next

probably thousand years or so

Just given the there is no taking these hats off these rods

yeah, well I why would you?

I mean they're very becoming

right, so I would say just keep them on

Third, can I ask, do you like conduct magic or anything?

Like, do you have a relationship to magic?

I have a relationship to things that would be seen as magical,

but it's mostly...

I take

these pieces,

I guess, laminated paper, and there are shapes on them.

There are hearts, there are diamonds, there are

shovels.

There's another one I can't remember.

And then I can make it appear, and I don't think this has been done before.

I can make it appear that I know which of these you're thinking of

and then show it to you.

Interesting.

So you might say that you have the ability to manipulate the forces forces of nature around you and your environment to a certain extent.

Yes, I call them tricks.

And the papers I call, I mean, it's from card stock.

So

I call them card tricks.

Hmm.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

You know, I think there's someone at the bar that wanted to see your other hats.

Ooh.

I'll go see them right now.

Okay, great.

Hi.

Guys, guys.

How are we going to grab this guy?

Get him into a stats.

I think I figured it out.

He's a nerd.

He's just a nerd.

He comes with a group of, like, all these shapes are like, oh, we're so mystical and important.

I don't think so.

I think they just think they're important.

I think he's just a nerd.

He's a nerd and he didn't get into Harvard.

I don't think so.

Well, I suppose there's that.

No judgment on him.

I'm just saying.

Oh, hey.

Oh, hi.

Yeah.

No, they

like the top hat.

So, you know, who, yeah.

Different, different tastes for different folks.

But no, yeah, the card tricks, I could do that all day long.

Just, you know,

and reading books, you know, that's a type of magic too.

And you can probably, probably transmute

lead into gold or

working on,

I know I could.

I'll put it that way.

Usidor, there's someone at the bar that wanted to see your hat.

There's someone at the bar who want to see my hat?

I'll be right back.

Guys, I just figured it out.

Usider is a huge nerd.

Usidor.

Oh, my God.

You're like.

Oh, yeah.

Quest for knowledge?

Oh, I see.

Transmuting things into things.

Wizards?

Wearing blue.

Oh, gosh.

What?

Wait, he's coming back.

He's coming back.

He's coming back.

Oh, well, they were very impressed with my hat, but they also told me about a new graphic novel that I want to read.

Oh.

How graphic?

Pretty graphic.

Sounds like a lot of people get decapitated in it.

Can I just stop you right there?

If it's catch her in the rye, I threw it out my window.

It might be making the rounds.

Do not read it.

Okay.

I'll pass it.

I'll pass it.

Nobody catches anyone.

You sit there.

I'm going to ask you point blank.

Yeah.

You're my uncle.

I love you.

I love you.

Your family.

Are you fucking nerd?

What?

Are you fucking nerd?

Am I a nerd?

Are you fucking nerd?

Wow,

dare you.

What is nerdy about me?

I've spent the last 350 years steeped in study, trying to learn ways to defeat the Dark Lord, spending every day poring over books and grimoires and tomes.

I there's hardly a day that I step outside to see the light because I'm so enthralled with the written word and learning.

Can I ask

those little those little pewter figures on the table in front of you?

Did you paint those all by hand?

Oh, yes, it's very...

You have to get a magnifying glass if you really want to get the details right.

But these are miniatures, you know, and I find that I'm planning out a campaign that's very fun.

You can use them for a game too, and you can sort of space it out.

It's no cat or doctor, but...

And I also notice you have a lot of

replicas of carts

that you've glued together here.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I love building little tiny carts, little, little, you know, model-sized carts to scale.

I've been to your home before, and you have a lot of spells on a shelf

in sort of protective boxes, and you said one to rock and one to stock.

Oh, yeah.

If you get a spell, you want to keep one in the box, and then you want another one you can actually play with.

Right, yeah, of course.

That collection of tiny wands

in your pocket of your shirt, um,

there's a lining around them, uh, like a protective sort of thing.

Yes, it's it's a robe protector.

I gotta protect my robe.

Okay.

In case the

magic leaks out.

I don't want magic on the magic.

I don't want magic all over my robe.

I'd look like a fool.

Right.

Okay, no, that makes sense.

You three.

You just don't get it.

Bazinga.

Look, wait, are you talking about.

Oh, okay.

Not just the three of me, but.

Oh, no, the collective.

The collective.

I guess technically the.

No, thank you for recognizing my singularity.

I feel really seen.

Oh, good, good.

Well, yes, yes, okay.

Well, well done.

Yes,

yes.

Thur, I'm going to come out and say it.

That was a test.

What?

We've always known Usidor's a big fucking nerd.

What?

But we suspect.

User, come on, man.

Yeah.

But we suspected, Thur, that you might also be a nerd, and so we were trying to catch you and see what you would say.

Oh, no, I'm a cool guy.

Aren't I a cool?

I'm a cool guy.

Says I am a cool guy.

Thur also, you know what?

It's okay, because guess what?

And I know no one has suspected this for a second.

I'm also a nerd.

What?

I have a podcast.

Oh.

I mean, I'm a kind of a cool guy, nerd, but I'm still a nerd.

Oh, you said it.

According to Chunt's rules, you're not cool now.

You said you're a cool guy.

And Thur, this might blow your mind.

I know you're hearing it from three people now, but Arnie's a nerd.

Wow.

No, that's brave of you to say, to come out and say that Arnie's a nerd.

Thank you.

I know.

I thought I might chance be vulnerable.

No,

you showed tremendous vulnerability towards a different person other than yourself.

Thank you.

And, you know, now that we're talking about nerdy things, I have to confess I have to do some promotional business, which is pretty nerdy.

Just for the podcast,

we've been talking recently about how we have some new merch in our merch store to celebrate new catchphrases that come up during the show.

And it's been drawn to my attention last week.

We did one where Chunt says, only you can prevent drugs.

This was requested by a listener.

And so that shirt is currently available in our store, in our TeePublic store.

There's a link in the show notes.

But it has come to my attention that Chunt wasn't actually the one that said that on the show.

That was actually something Usidor said.

Okay.

So we have to change the shirt, and it has to be Usidor saying only you can prevent drugs.

I said that?

Yeah.

How about it's Usidor speaking and inside the word bubble is Chunt saying only you can prevent drugs.

Or whatever it was.

That seems...

Complicated.

That seems like a lot harder to do.

I'm going to say it seems a little bit like wearing three hats.

Okay, well, Arnie, as a compromise, could we add a new shirt at some point that's a a design or graphic of Arnie, of you, and there's a word bubble and it says there's new shirts in the merch store?

Yes, okay, here's what we should do.

We're gonna have, so look.

But that one's evergreen.

You probably have like a day until it switches over.

So this is like your last chance to get the limited edition Chunt saying only you can prevent drugs shirt.

And then it's gone.

But that's going to be replaced by Usidor saying only you can prevent drugs.

A shirt that has me saying there are, what was it?

There are shirts available.

available, their new shirts available in the merch store.

Well, I think actually you surround her said that.

Okay.

Okay.

But we'll give it to Arnie.

Okay.

Yeah, give it to Arnie.

That's fine.

And then the chunt one, he'll just be saying catchphrase pending until we

have a new catchphrase that comes up.

Well, he's never come up with one.

Yeah.

I keep trying.

I just can't think of any.

So if you want these shirts, get them fast because as of next week, they could change.

Yeah.

Thir uh yes, have you have you ever considered wearing a graphical uh teen shirt?

Ooh, I don't know where I would.

I mean, I guess now I know where I could get one of those.

Um, but yeah, no, I would like that quite a bit, like with like a dragon or something on it.

Any told us about a view from Earth

that we don't sell, but I think you should get one that says, Yes, I'm drunk, but you'll still be stupid tomorrow.

Right.

That's, I, uh, that sounds.

What if there was one that said, I don't have a drinking problem.

I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, no problem.

Ooh, that's a pretty good one.

I like it.

I'm not as stink as you drunk I am.

There you go.

What if you had a shirt that said, co-ed naked hovering?

Wow.

Polygon Inspector.

Yes.

Whoa, hold on.

That's your parents.

Yeah, well, there's a lot that I need to find out about them.

Sure, yeah.

We don't talk much.

Fibonacci body inspector?

Yeah.

Fibonacci wow.

That's our new shirt, everyone.

We got it.

See, I'm not a nerd.

Fibonacci Wawa.

And that shirt, I hate to say it, will never leave the store.

No.

The Fibonacci Wawa design is also available on oven mitts, hospital gowns, house arrest ankle bracelet devices, and snugglies, the official garment of giving up.

Am I going to have to promote stupid new shirts every week?

Is this what my life has become?

Because last week's shirts are gone, and now apparently the following shirts are available in the Magic Tavern Tea Public store.

There's one where Usador says only you can prevent drugs.

There's also one where Arnie says there are new shirts available in the merch store.

And there's one where Chunt says catchphrase pending.

Are we even trying?

Is this whole thing like a dare?

Is it Squid Game 2 grassroots marketing?

If you want to waste your money on any of these, there's a link in the show notes.

To think saying the actual credits is a relief.

Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Thir, The Three Hovering Rods, was played by special guest Jon Moe.

Check out Jon's podcasts, Depress Mode and Sleeping with Celebrities, wherever you get your podcasts.

Arnie Matt and Adel recently guested on Sleeping with Celebs, if you're looking for a place to start or a specific episode to avoid.

Also, check out Jon's book, The Hilarious World of Depression, wherever books are sold.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Supporters like Itu Tuwamanen, Celia, Deus Ex Machina, parentheses, feel free to call me anytime the show needs one, calling you right now to request a Deus Ex Satisfying Series finale, Bubba, Sean Griffiths, Liz Burke, Jesse Flary, Trul Severi-Lear, Hannah Miller, and Sidney Ray.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.