Season 5, Ep 32 - Micronomo (w/ Eric Muller)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

But during these colder northern hemispheric Earth months, let us provide some warmth to keep the chill away.

Namely, the white-hot rage produced by thinking about how much time you've spent listening to this.

And that thermostat is about to rise even further because it's time to sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Darnie Nietzcamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern The Wander Lost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Chunt, please.

Ass always.

Is that what you said?

What's this?

You said you're joined Ass Always?

Ass always.

Oh, uh you know what i am gonna start saying that i'm joined as always

by my good butt

chunt the talk you know what actually i'll take it i'm sorry to do this to you chunt we're gonna start the episode over hello from the magic tavern a weekly podcast from the magical land of foon i'm your host arnyne cam if you've never listened to the podcast before this is everything you need to know nine and a half years ago i fell through dimensional portal beide to burging in chicago into the magical fantastical land of foon luckily i'm still getting a wifi signal through the dimensional rift and i used to have to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern the wander lost in the magical Land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my good butt, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Worth it.

Worth it.

I'll probably cut that first part off so that we just start with the gold.

Yeah, sort of a

what did you say it was called?

A circumcision?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, cut that first part off as well.

Do you think it's a good idea for me to go back and delete every episode before this one as well?

Like, literally, that's where we start.

Yeah, I think so.

Might as well.

By the way, congratulations, Chunt, on another successful Chunt for Red October.

Thank you.

I don't remember anything about what happened.

Maybe I had a few too many drinks.

I'm not saying that because we haven't recorded it yet, but congratulations.

Thank you so much, Arnie.

It was tough because with all this warring going on with the animals, you know, everyone is so negative.

There's so much war happening, but...

You know, I'm glad the theme was this year, hey, be positive.

And I feel like that really, I feel like we helped out a lot of wounded animals and of course vampires and whatnot.

Yeah.

And listener, dear listener, don't worry, you haven't drunk too much and that's why you've forgotten about the Chunk for Red October episode.

This year, as an exciting bonus, it's just available on Patreon.

So if you're not yet a member of the Magic Tavern Patreon Society, go over to patreon.com slash magic tavern and get your red October on.

Yeah.

I'm just spinning the greatest phrases ever so far this episode.

I think so.

Taking the straw, turning it into gold, as you said someone on Earth once did.

Now, Arnie, you mentioned that your blood type is you were a universal donger.

That's true.

I'm a universal donger.

Interesting.

I'm also going to add that.

I'm sorry to do this.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast on the Magical Land of Food.

I'm your host, Arnie Neeking.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantasical land.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wander Lost, hosted by me, the Universal Donger, Arnie Niecamp, and I'm joined as always

by my good butt, Chunt the Talking Badger.

How you doing, buddy?

Ooh, the whole shebang.

The whole shebang.

Shebang, shebang, Arnie.

Shebang, shebang.

Oh, baby.

You got it.

Speaking of shebanging, she bang, she bangs my other co-host, Usidor the Blue.

I am Usidor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas.

The elves know me as Fearing Elek.

The dwarves know me as Zodin and Hookstanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmuanius Mae Star.

And let the goddesses know,

and let the angels sing, and lets the heavens oop and let Ani know.

People don't tune into this show to hear that intro that much.

Did someone bump into you during that speech right there?

You said let's go

up.

Hello, bartender.

May I have a large serving of water and another large serving of oil?

You know, are you throwing your voice?

I wish.

I'm having interested in

thank you.

They both look equally delicious.

They're equally delicious.

That's kind of fun.

Moving so stiltedly.

Just pull this chair out here.

Oh.

Oh, why would you announce that?

And then do it so poorly?

Ah, it is good to release tension on the legs.

That's true.

Why is he putting that chair on his head, though?

Well, to release tension in your legs.

If you sit too long, it puts tension on your legs, so you gotta put the chair on your head sometimes.

Uh, uh, friend, why don't you turn that crown upside down and put that chair under your darrier and have a seat and be our guest?

What?

Me?

Why, I do look like a person you would invite to have meet you at your table as an equally sized person.

Oh, that's exactly what I was thinking.

And you know, when you say equally sized, you're quite tall.

You're about the same height as me.

I, as some of our listeners might know, I'm six foot four.

Which is

an extremely common height for a human to be.

Sure, I guess so.

Well, Arnie, you're downplaying it.

You subtle buffoon.

You are six foot four and made of muscle.

Oh, thank you.

But what is your job?

How do you make a living?

Oh, I'm a universal donger, I think.

If I remember correctly, I feel like that brings in the most money.

And then I guess

we do this podcast, which again, if you don't mind being a guest on, it's sort of like, well, how to explain it?

It's sort of like theater.

Theater for the ears?

Theater for the ears.

And this is a common thing that humans do.

So I, of course, will partake.

Ooh, we perfect.

Got the chair under his butt.

Good job.

Yes, thank you.

And Mr.

Bisque, nice to see you as well.

Excuse me?

Yes, nice to see you, Dick Bisk.

Ah, well, I'm known to the gnomes as Dick Bisk, but I am Usidor the Blue, one of the greatest wizards in all of Foon.

You as a human certainly don't need to call me by such a nomenclature.

Yes, I wouldn't use nomenclature, would I?

I would use humenclature.

Correct.

I'm sorry, Usidor.

So, friend, what is your name?

I am

Micronomo Goodgear, the human man.

I'm so sorry.

I wasn't sure how much of that was your name and how much of that was you struggling to say it.

What was that?

My Chronomo.

I'm Micronomo Goodgear.

My Chronomo Goodyear.

Mike Chronomo.

Yes, I go by Mike.

Oh, thank God.

I wasn't going to remember that name, Arnie.

No, I'm still struggling to remember ass always,

my good butt, Chanta talking about, and then the Universal Donger thing like.

Oh, ass, butt, and dong.

You are all healthy sexual humans, I see.

Very good, very good.

Thank you so much.

Not humans, but all

of us.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You, of course, are a

friend to all.

Oh, lovely.

A friend to me, I hope, as well.

Absolutely.

A friend would have remembered my entire name.

Can you say it back to me just one time, please?

I want to say

Mike Animal.

Mike Animal?

Mike, that's right.

It's Mike Snow.

Chunch, are you talking about our good friend Mike Ronimo Goodyear?

Yes, that's my human name.

Well, it sounds like a classic human name to me, I wouldn't know.

They all sound a little strange to my ear.

Oh, well, you're a Goodyear simp over here.

Fucking Goodyear Simp.

Sucking up.

Well, I'm just saying,

a human language isn't quite as beautiful as, say, like an elven language.

You'd say something like Nathaniel Quenyarovin.

You say things like, oni knee camp.

And, you know, gnomish is a also dulcet, dulcet language, pleasant to the ear.

Strange gnomes have come up twice.

It's, you know, not a competition between gnomish and elvish, but if it were, we they would be in the running.

Now, friend, I don't mean to be rude, but I can't help but notice that it looks like you're made out of wood.

Whoa.

Usidor.

That's the horniest thing I've ever heard.

It's a very finely polished wood.

It looks beautiful.

Usidor polished wood.

Great deal of craftsmanship, but uh...

I feel like being called out as horny by a butt-ass big donger over there is the height of hypocrisy.

I'm not the butt-ass big donger.

That's honie.

Look.

Oh, great.

Now I gotta write this down.

Let's see.

I'm your host, butt-ass big donger.

Yes, well, if it looks like I'm made of wood.

It's quiet.

Give him a second to write it down.

This is gonna take me later.

He's taking those.

Okay, go ahead, Google.

I don't know why he writes it down.

He never remembers.

He eats that paper almost immediately.

If I was made of wood, that wouldn't be a problem, would it?

Uh, no, I would just, I would ask, since you're obviously a human, uh, what which uh bewitched you to become uh this this wooden man, uh, this finely polished, well, extremely well-crafted, uh, automaton-ish

thing we see before us.

Look, it, I'm going to get down to brass tax because it is so hot in here.

Whoa, whoa, there's a bunch of brass tacks inside.

His torso is opening up, and he's literally getting down to the brass tacks.

Just take this chainmail tack stuff.

So much steam.

Oh, there's a compartment in the middle of him opened up, and there's a little man inside this big man.

That's better.

That's better.

Look, I know I had you guys fooled eight ways from fonday, but but

I'm actually a gnome in a man suit.

I knew it!

Arnie, there's been a gnome inside you this whole time.

Let's rip you open.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, no, it's okay, friend.

You can reveal yourself.

Everything, we're being honest now.

I wish there was a- I was a little person inside this big man suit, but I am really just this big man.

Arnie, wouldn't it be fun if there was like a little brain in your tummy?

Just like a little brain controlling everything.

I don't know.

That sounds gross.

It sounds like a quato situation.

No,

I think he was thinking it was more like an ID he'd write down and he'd shred it a little bit later.

Just something right off the dome, you know, right off the top of his

super dome, yeah.

Well, I'm sorry, I feel like I was doing,

dare I say, a perfect job impersonating a human man, even down to the exact size of an existent human here.

But I feel like I really slipped in the dick bisque there when I uh when I called you that.

Yes, that should have been our first clue.

Uh for who else would call me Dick Bisk but the gnomes of Foon.

Unless, of course, we're talking about the southern gnomes, in which case they would call me Randy Spankalots.

Yes, yes, of course.

I have a cousin who lives in the south, and yes, you're just as famous there for an equally excellent name.

Thank you.

Is there anything that more underlines the north versus south divide in this world than the fact that the northern gnomes call you Dick Bisk and the southern gnomes call you Randy Spanks a lot.

That's just that you remember.

For now.

If anything really typifies the foonish division of north and south, that is it.

And we gnomes are proud of that, frankly.

We have a lot of those little, you know, turns of phrase where it's like, oh, in the south, they call you sweetheart a little bit more in the gnomish towns.

And in the north,

there's more steam power.

Yes, well, and the south they also say, like,

bless your little tiny hat.

Yes, but when they say that, they're not really, they don't mean bless your tiny hat.

They mean you're kind of an asshole.

In the north, you hear Fing Yellick, and in the South, you hear Fing Yawlik.

That's true.

Yes, yes,

these are the things we know about the North and the South of Foon.

In the North, they call it Foon, in the South they call it Pepsi.

Oh, right, yeah.

And also, northern gnomes will drive a carriage like this.

Yeah,

But in the south, gnomes drive their carriages like this.

Hey, yeah.

Oh, that is, hey, that's our stereotype.

Only we get to do that one, okay?

Sorry, yeah, I felt like I overstepped.

I'm sorry.

You're not wrong, but you're a little too right for right now.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

So, my chronomo, I have to ask, uh, what possessed you to build such a fine human sacrifice-simulacrum?

Well, if you must know.

I mean, we don't must know.

We're curious.

Yes, well.

I must know.

I insist.

Okay, he must know.

I'm on a recon mission.

I'm undercover.

And I was doing, I think, again, frankly, a perfect job until.

I agree.

You put that chair on your head, and I thought perfect human move.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I learned that in the south.

That adds up.

Yes, well, I'm on a recon mission because the gnomes of Mechatronica, where I'm from, of course, we all know the moving city of Mechatronica, where the gnomes live.

Oh.

We're running out of energy and magic, and our city is tiring itself out.

Oh, no.

Yes.

Well,

how may we assist?

For here, you look upon one of the greatest wizards in all of food, and Foon's greatest warrior, and Foon's greatest lawyer, and Chunt, the talking badger, who's actually a shapeshifter.

You're You're a shapeshifter?

Wow, that is impressive.

Unbelievable.

Thank you.

Yeah, people, you know, you hear the list of what everyone is, and usually people are really impressed by that one.

And I used to be Foon's greatest warrior, but now I'm just a butt-ass donger.

You know what?

That's not lateral, buddy.

That feels like an upgrade.

I'm sorry, it's just that I had to go through all this work to shift my shape into this one different shape, and you can just do it whenever you want.

That's incredible.

Just say a thing.

He'll turn into it.

Right, John?

Just say a thing.

Yeah, say something.

Except for, like, don't say like jealousy or something.

Oh, no, that's so stupid, isn't it?

When you're like playing 20 questions with someone, and it's like the concept of infinity.

Yeah, what are you doing?

Yeah, I think it's kind of a clever idea, but go on.

Arnie does it all the time.

Can you, uh, can you look like

a duck platypus thing that maybe can only say like one word?

Okay, a duck platypus thing that can only say one word.

Okay.

Yeah, I just have to picture it in my mind's eye.

We all know what a platypus looks like here in Fuck, of course.

Right, a platypus.

But you want a duck platypus thing?

Like a hybrid.

Like a duck fucked a platypus.

Yes, well, it didn't.

I mean, it could have come about through magic.

It wouldn't have necessarily.

Chunt, I think the duck fucked the platypus.

It's usually, yeah, as a result of duck fuck.

And it only says one word.

Do you have any preference on what the word is?

Yeah, which word?

Quack or.

No, I mean, I feel like this is a dealer's choice moment, really.

How about uh?

Uh, you we could give you a minute.

And uh, so a lawyer, huh?

That must be really interesting.

Well, I technically, I guess I am the greatest lawyer in all of Foon because I

helped Arnie in a time of need, and I over I defeated the greatest lawyer, Barnor the Lawyer, uh, who was the

related to Arnor the Warrior.

Uh oh.

Yes, so uh, I took his title on, and now now

I don't practice a lot of law.

Because you're so good at it?

I don't need to practice.

You're incredible, Dick.

Do you know that?

Who?

I wish people said that to me more often.

I think a

duck platypus thing would look a little something like this.

Turns around.

Turns back around.

Halfback.

Oh!

Half back.

Half back.

Halfback.

Oh, it's a refund.

A partial refund.

Halfback.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah.

Incredible.

I am so impressed by that.

Watch this.

Here, if I

pull this lever on here.

Oh, now your arm went up.

Yeah, that's all I that's.

And look here, I can do it with the other one.

Huh?

That's very impressive.

Yeah, that took me three years to build that.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

Wow, very impressive.

Why don't we take a quick break and we'll be halfback?

He said more than one thing.

Halfback.

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So, Mike,

and I guess is your name Mike?

Like,

is the big you have a different name than the

regular sized you?

No, no, my name is Micronimo Goodgear.

That's not atypical for a human, is it?

What's your name?

My name is Arnie Nikamp.

Arnie Neekamp.

See, that's just as staccato as Microniamo Goodgear.

It is equally as mellifluous.

So, Mike, why don't you tell me a little bit about the process of making this thing?

Like, on my world, we'd call it like a mech, probably.

Yes, because it's mechanical.

I don't think it's a mech.

I think it's very nice.

I don't think it's a mess at all.

Yeah,

blut this mech.

Thank you, Dick Bisque and Chant.

You know, it takes a village.

And

in my case, a good chunk of the city, we all got together.

Most gnomes, I don't know if you know this, when gnomes are doing their artifices,

they often have a specialization.

So

my father, Numanico, he helped with some of the steam pressurization stuff.

And my mom, Resinancy, helped with the vocal box.

So you've noticed that my voice changed when I took the pseudo part.

I did notice.

Sorry, what was your mom's name?

Reza Nancy.

Reza Nancy?

Huh.

That's an old gnomish name.

Her mother was also Reza Nancy, but she specialized in nuts and bolts.

So sometimes the name comes, but that's not what you specialize in.

But often, often it does.

So my chronomo, I'm really good at making the very fine, small, tiny little parts.

And Goodyear, that's our family name, because, you know, we make sure we keep it tight um you know they mesh very well uh minimal uh jarring uh you know you lube it up a little bit and

you're good to go we say that's on my family crest too but it's in gnomish

oh he pulled a bunch of levers to make his wooden arm nudge us he had to do so much work to do that subtle gesture there's a wink switch somewhere around here too here it is

Oh,

my mom got it to make the sound wink when I hit the switch, too.

Oh, thank you, Resonancy.

Thank you.

That was a gift from her.

It was a going-away gift, because she's terribly worried.

We're all terribly worried.

The city is

winding down.

That's right.

Yeah, you said it's running out of energy and magic.

Yes.

So it runs on those two things.

Where do you get your source of energy and where do you get your source of magic?

Well, originally our city was enchanted by Lodestone Greatcraft.

You know, the green wizard.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, Spintax?

Oh, that's SpinTax.

Sure.

Yeah, come a second.

Come where?

Is that another one of his names?

Uh, no, that's what Jamilius the Mauve is known as in the south.

Oh, okay.

So, you spent some time in the south.

Yeah, we, yes, we summer there.

Mm-hmm.

Well, the whole city summers there is the thing, you know.

Not every gnome has a giant-moving artificial city.

That's that's our thing, you know.

Well, not every human has a giant-moving uh tavern.

You may not know this, but the wanderlost itself is ambulatory.

Is it really?

I would love to see the mechanism.

It's supposed to be.

I don't know how well it works.

Arnie kept putting his gum on stuff.

Yeah.

We also, we can't really control it, so it moves when it wants to move, which is sort of the worst of both worlds.

Oh, so how do you know where you're going to end up?

We don't.

We don't.

Who built this?

That's ridiculous.

That's a good question.

Did we?

How did we do it?

It wasn't a curse.

How do we get it to the world?

I bought it.

It's cursed.

I haven't really dug much into the lore.

Oh.

I've been more interested in my own personal lore recently.

Oh, that makes sense.

I understand that.

Although, to be so Zejun about a cursed object is really...

I like that.

I like that.

That's me.

What a strength of character you must have.

I'm just a Jejun Universal Donger.

Alright, you are a bit Jizjun.

Ah, what ought a Universal Donger to be, but not Jizjun?

As long as he doesn't have ennuiness.

Chunt, we just had Chunt for Red October.

It's not time to start planning Jiz June yet.

Oh, come on.

Do you celebrate Jiz June here?

We do now.

We will next year.

I thought that was just in the South.

Yeah.

Oh, what a fun time.

You know that one tree when it comes into bloom and everything smells like that?

Oh, I love Jiz June.

Oh, it's beautiful in the South.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

So anyway, Lodestone Greatcraft.

He powered the, put a great spell on the city to help us move around and uh and I don't know what has happened with magic and wizards lately.

Stuff seems

I'll tell you, I have an answer for you

the wizards are a bunch of assholes and they've decided to become warlords and cruel uh unthinking uh

masters of of land and territory uh thinking of these these paltry mortal things because they themselves have become mortal and they've become petty in their mortal natures.

Forgetting their better natures, yes, they should think back to the goddesses and they should think of how they could benefit all the good peoples and children of Foon.

Yea, and I shall set the example for them by helping you, my Chronomo.

If Spintax is giving you some sort of crappy green spell, let it be fixed with blue magic.

Wait, really?

You would do that for my city?

Sure, like,

do that?

You're sure, right?

I don't.

You know, don't get over your skis here.

You're great, Dick, but...

I think I...

Well, I mean, I don't know exactly what you need.

I would love for you to try.

I don't know what I need either.

It would require a wizard of great power to even diagnose it properly.

Well, I assume when he casts this spell, he sets some sort of

crystal stone at the center of the city.

There's a crystal stone, yes, that's in the center of the city.

And there's a lot of there's there's there's metal rods that are connecting against it, and those go to other different bigger metal rods, and those usually move in and out.

Can I ask the crystal stone in the center of the city, does it hum or does it buzz?

Good question.

Is it like a hmm or is it like a buzz?

Does that make sense?

I would say, yeah, it's like it's like

a bzz.

It's like a hmm bzz.

A humming.

Ooh, it's a humming buzz.

That's intricate.

It's a humming button.

It's a little more intricate.

And this crystal stone in the middle of the city, when you get close to it, does it sort of make you hear whispering sounds or does it make your teeth fall out?

It makes your teeth vibrate and usually that will make you sneeze.

And then, you know, you will have dark dreams for three days.

Okay.

If you pass the threshold of runes that he inscribed on the floor around it, and which, you know, we are extremely loath to do.

Was this Crystal Stone the fourth in a series of cities?

And you kind of were like, you look back and you go, Crystal Stone, it's not that good.

Yeah, when Spintax left, did his hat fly off his head?

And he grabbed it.

a young wizard went to grab it, and he was like, nah, ah, ah.

Um, you know, as I think,

you know exactly what we're talking about.

He had his green, his green shoes

were showing, uh, and he was flying off into the air.

Yes, no, no, no, this, this sounds familiar.

This sounds familiar.

Have you considered having like a replacing it with a dial?

Well, I'm sure the previous version, he probably had some sort of, some sort of cup there in the middle of the city, like a magical cup.

Okay, so it sounds like you guys have a handle on this thing then.

So maybe you could just suggest solutions.

Hold on.

It sounds like you said there's runes on the ground.

I bet all the runes, whatever words they sort of indicate, start with J, is that right?

Mike, you have no idea how fun this is to talk about it.

I'm so sorry.

No, it looks like you guys are having a wonderful time.

And as with new friends, I too enjoy having a wonderful time.

I just don't want to lose sight of my mission.

And Dick,

it sounds like you could maybe help.

It sounds like all of you have parts of a great idea that you're really all just bringing together in a great assemblage of reference and fun.

Absolutely.

Why'd it have to be mech?

I guess my question is, yeah, why did it have to be mechs?

Well, that's our specialty.

How is building a human suit for yourself helping you in any way at all?

Well, see,

we don't know because we haven't been able to talk to Lodestone, but we're worried that he's angry at us, and so if he sees gnomes around, he might assume that we came from Mechatronica, and he might want to do us ill.

And so I thought I'll disguise myself.

Because again, all the wizards, they're warlords, they're being dicks, I think you said.

It's bad stuff out there, man.

It's bad stuff.

Yeah.

I would recommend not going to Spintax at all.

One, he's always been a dick.

Even before all this mortal bullshit.

Like, everyone thinks he's so great, but he's not that great.

The whole city was moving around.

It was a whole mobile city.

Okay, but I live in a tavern that also moves around because of a curse.

I mean, I believe you.

I'd love to get a look at the gears and stuff that's underneath it, but right now, all I have is your word that this thing moves around.

I'm telling you, my city.

I guess all you have is my word that it moves around.

But I built this thing, so you know, extrapolate.

I guess I don't, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I'm just saying, I'm just saying, you know,

I guess I don't know either because

maybe you're just full of crap, just like Spintax.

You know, you're such good friends to him.

Why don't you go kiss his green butt?

Dick.

Arnie, I don't know if you noticed this, but they're both pissing at the same time.

Oh, god damn it.

I have a leak in my suit.

Hold on a second.

Oh, duh, this is embarrassing.

I'm not embarrassed.

I thought I did a better job building this thing, and now my city's not gonna be fixed, and my whole family's gonna die, and then there's gonna be some other thing that talked about.

I don't quite get the reference in it, my speech, I know.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Now, uh, my chronomo, I don't know.

Uh,

I don't know why your family would die if the city quit moving.

It's part of the spell.

If the city spends more than one week of sunsets in the same place, it will shatter and explode.

Okay.

Or so I'm told.

Why is it made that way in the first place?

I don't know.

You're the one who said wizards are dicks and they do weird things for inscrutable reasons.

I can't.

I'll say this.

You're right.

Sometimes wizards are dicks, they do things for inscrutable reasons.

But also, magic's crazy, man.

Like, if you want to make a moving city, there's always a price to pay.

And it's like, well, I can make this city move, but if it holds still for seven sunsets, it's going to blow up with all your family in it.

That's the only way I can get it together.

I know this isn't your false micronomo, but at some point, whoever in your town originally agreed to this, they're like, we need this city to move, and we're willing to pay the price that it'll blow up if it stays still.

This is three generations old here.

I should have thought to ask my grandparents why they did it this way.

It is an asinine setup.

Just make it stop.

What are the benefits of a moving city?

Like, what do you- is it just that you move so you don't blow up?

Or are there actual good things about it?

Hey, man, look at you.

You come that way.

You're stacked that tall, naturally.

And look at me.

I fit inside.

I'm a squirrel and a half, two squirrels tall, max buddy, okay?

And so, it's scary out there for a little guy.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I've tried to tell him.

Right?

I hear you.

Go off, short cane.

Oh, thanks for- oh, thank you.

Thank you.

It's t, you know, it's hard.

It's scary.

And, you know, we just want to protect ourselves.

And this is how we know.

This is our way.

We build our defenses with the power of our brains in our hands.

And, you know, I just...

It's just nice to have a little empathy, you know?

Sure.

I'm sorry I got angry with you before.

It's just...

I'm so jealous of Spintax, and I don't know why he's cursed your city in this way,

though it has given you some power to move around and overcome your fears, I see.

Perhaps, you know, if we want to,

what could I do?

What if, how about this?

Okay, here, I'm just spitballing some magic ideas here.

Oh, please, magic is crazy, man.

It is so wild and out there.

I would love to hear it.

What if I don't fix the spell?

Because I don't know if I can...

If I start messing with Spin Tax's magic, I might do something even worse.

What if I made the city so it flies?

Then it's not, it's not still for the seven days, it's technically not walking around anymore, but it can fly wherever you want it to fly.

If you feel like this is a concession, then I am willing to take it.

I would love a flying city.

Well, but here the whole thing: the city can fly, but if the city ever dips below a certain speed, everyone inside the city immediately turns old.

Oh no,

Shy Malan, that sounds terrible.

Is it always like this with wizards?

Is he always doing this where it's like you get one thing and then you get half back?

That sounds terrible.

And just be careful, cuz

sort of sometimes wizard magic is sort of like a monkey's paw where it's like your city will fly, but it'll go like a thousand miles per hour to where like everyone's skin flies off or something.

Oh, no.

So like be careful.

Oh, you got a really break.

Well, and he's a lawyer, or you know, he's not practicing anymore, but he'll be really great at the fine details.

Hold on, what is this fluid that leaked out of me earlier?

I'll take like a half half rainbow bowl, half red potion, just mix it together.

Okay.

And Mike, Micronomo, don't feel bad about leaking fluid before.

If I've learned anything, is you make something, and eventually there's gonna be more piss than you expected.

Take that from a butt-ass dogger.

I like that you look down to read that.

That is somehow comforting to me.

Thank you.

So when you're saying when you produce maybe not life, but another body of some kind, it'll expel fluids?

Well, yeah, or if you make a creative endeavor, there's just going to be a lot more fluids in that endeavor than you originally thought there would be.

Yeah, well, thank you, Dick Bisque.

If you can get that

rainbow bowl, red potion, hef, I would love it.

I need to fill my suit up again, but I'm going to think about your offer and think about ways that

I can corral you in so you can't monkey pause me where the first two fingers go down and then just the middle one's left up right in my face.

Sure, do your best.

I'll have some talent.

I'll have some talent wine.

Talent wine, chunt.

Let me get a King's Juice.

King's Juice.

Know that while I bring these drinks from the bar, there shall be a price to be exacted.

You know, in the South, we call King's Juice Coke.

Oh, really?

But wait, don't you also call Annie's wine Coke?

Yes.

And you also call water Coke.

Mm-hmm.

What do you call cocaine?

Uh, that's the Pixie's Whisper.

Ooh.

Yeah, we could really go through some Pixie's Whisper right now.

Yeah.

Yeah, that must be so tough to be like stressing about your city and also your family.

Yeah, you guys, you don't have any Pixies Whisper, do you?

Um, no, you said or might have some more glory, but there'll be a price to pay.

Oh, no, I got off that stuff.

That will mess you up.

Ah, here you are, a king's juice, a talent wine, a half rainbow bowl, and half red potion.

And I shall take take your firstborn child.

Whoa, I didn't even agree to anything.

That's three-fourth firstborn children for me today.

Good job, you Sador.

Wow, you're on a tear.

Hi, Erica.

Really am.

Let's take a quick break.

No, you're standing on a terry store.

Your robe is caught on a nail.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, so then like, so you like, so like, uh, uh, then, and then, like, and then, like, you will, okay, so, like, you, you, the, the city can fly.

It can't go like a thousand miles an hour.

It, like, um, it, like,

you know, our skin won't fly off.

There's a protective dome.

We can break and slow down if we need to.

And, um,

during the break, did you give Micronomo some cocaine?

No, I gave him some Pixie's whisper.

This dude is absolutely zooted.

And then, and then, and then, and then, okay, and like, uh, uh, uh, we can set it down for one hour if we need to.

I'm writing it down.

Okay, dude.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Mike, you're so interesting all of a sudden and your dancing your dancing is amazing you look so good dancing

i just think it feels good to do

hey we should start a business do you want to start a podcast

oh no never

sorry no no no no that's a dumb idea that's a dumb idea if that's the only one i'll have the whole night though the rest are going to be platinum coated

Well, I don't know.

It seems like I'm not really getting much out of this deal.

Let me fix your tavern.

Let me fix your tavern.

Let me look at the...

Why why don't you take me down to the basement let me look at the tavern i can i can see if i can like fix the fix the gears and you can like you can you could put you can take this thing wherever you want man all right i'll make a deal with you if you fix the tavern so it can uh be controlled by us to go where we want when we want then i'll fix your town and nothing weird will happen nothing weird nothing at all i'll just i'll just fix it all right hold on let me just get just pull get this arm up in front of my face here looks like they're about to shake on it and you just spit on the wood and then here you go okay Okay, it's really slight diesel in the face.

Make a diesel.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Move the hand over here.

Sorry, like this.

Hold up.

Okay, real quick, Mike.

My robe is catching again on the nail there.

All right, sorry about that.

Mike, real quick, Mike.

Real quick, you can take that deal with you, Sor.

You can, or

you can have what's in this box.

Oh, man, that's a good-looking box there.

Look at that.

Oh, it's got a nice ribbon around it there.

What's in the box?

what's in the box wait do i hear a do i hear a goat bleeding from inside of that box yeah it's a goat um

nice try man you tried to monkey paw me with a goat hoof ah

all right no no deal you sidor you're sorry dick deal there we go

yes steal is made uh here uh there's a little hatch here right under the

under the table uh if you want to just take a look at gnome-sized that's that's interesting oh maybe gnomes built the Traven originally.

Okay, let me just get down here.

Alright, okay, sir.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Are you kidding me?

My dad worked on this.

Really?

I just got those stamp on it right there.

Yeah, it's those stampers on there right there.

Little maker's mark.

That's nice.

Oh, yeah.

I could go for some of that, too, if you're behind the bar there while you're at it.

Okay, hold on.

Let me get back down here.

Oh,

what's the value?

What could we sell it for?

Should we take the Tavern to Antiques Roadship?

It's my tavern.

I don't want to sell it.

At least not this season.

Well, it'd just be nice to know how much it's worth, and then you can keep it in the family.

That's what they usually do.

I'm excited that there's apparently some lore down there.

Okay, I think I've got it.

It was just a couple things tightened, a couple things loosened.

Hold on.

We didn't ask for anything to be loosened.

We just wanted it to get going again, okay?

We don't want any oil change, all right?

We don't want our...

The air filter does look like it could be replaced, is all I'm saying, okay?

Well, it's probably because of all the farts.

Look, I filled up the wiper fluid, though.

That's for free, all right?

Look at the air filter, it's filthy.

Yeah,

yeah, and I could use some more wiper fluid because when I've been wiping, it just won't stop.

It just won't stop.

Not enough fluid.

All right, I'm putting the air filter back then, but that's all.

No, no, no, no.

Well, don't take the new air filter.

Okay.

Okay, I assume that's an extra costing gold.

No, in the spirit, Dick Bisque of communication and friendship and us striking what I think is a bulletproof, mutually

agreeable deal,

the air filter is free.

And that's the gnomish promise.

Wow, that's that's good gear.

And since you've done that, boon for me.

I shan't double-cross you as I had planned, and come up with some way to make the town dive deep into the earth, as it could still move, but it would only go deeper and deeper towards the core of Foon.

I'm so happy.

So, how do you do your part now?

I'll just take this broom.

And you guys keep talking.

I'll just fly to your town real quick and check on that crystal.

Bye!

What?

What?

When did he start flying via broom?

Yeah, that's so weird.

Who can know what it's referencing?

I don't...

I'm not sure I get this one, actually.

He's also standing on the top of the broom handle, like balancing on it, which looks so weird.

Like, just put it between your legs, man.

No one's going to judge you.

yeah he looked insane right yeah i mean more than usual yeah but wizards are you know they're doing wild stuff now and magic is crazy he did not look like he knew what to do with his arms right like if you put the room between your legs you know where to put your arms but he stood on top and so at first he had them sort of on his hips and then he folded his arms and then he put them flat at the side and then he put them both behind his head like he was relaxing but he was tensing so much and and the thing is he just kept going back and forth in front of the tavern.

It's like, get going.

Save my town.

Stop.

It looked like he said he was going to use the broom, and then he realized he didn't remember what the broom does.

So he was just like, I got to incorporate this broom somehow.

I bet you 100 gold that broom is sitting right outside the tavern door and he just flew normal the rest of the way.

Yeah.

I bet you a hundred gold.

Flew normal, yeah.

Neither flew normal.

You know, Micronomo, while we wait for you, Sidor to come back, would you be okay with us reading an email?

Oh, I would love that.

What's an email?

It's a message from my world.

Oh, by the way, I'm from another world.

Oh, that explains why you're so big.

Yeah, people who listen to this send us emails.

Listeners, if you want to email us, you can email us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.

It's a real email address.

Or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us there.

Here's a recent message we got.

The title is merch.

Says, please add more non-white shirts, long sleeves, exclamation points.

Some of us are huge slobs like Arnie, and I'm not trying to get a self-made pink shirt.

Thank you.

Also, add, only you can prevent drugs.

And sorry for my superfluous use of exclamation points.

I can't help it.

Why would you want to prevent drugs?

I think they're referencing something we've said on the podcast where I think, look, I think the main point of this message is someone saying, can the shirts not be white?

Can they have more colors?

Which I think we do actually have a bunch of other colors.

Yeah, I think so.

But they also said no pink shirts or something along those lines.

I think they're worried that their white shirts will turn pink because they're messy slob like me.

So you do have magic on Earth.

White becomes pink?

Arnie, didn't you also say on Earth that sometimes two become one?

No.

You sang that song and you said, no.

You said, get it on, get it on.

This is the night that two become one.

That's also magic.

You hide so much magic from us, Arnie.

I need somebody like I've never needed someone before to explain this email to me.

Sure.

Look, here, I think I'll explain.

We have lots of great t-shirts that people can buy.

There'll be a link in the show notes.

They're all on TeePublic.

Shirts that are spilled with tea, which is that's why they're brown.

And so they want them to be white.

Well, white is one of the color options.

Brown is another color option.

But here's the thing: you can click on any of the shirts, and they aren't just the color that is shown at first.

When you click on the link, you can get them in a multitude of of colors, including tie-dye.

Sorry, I dropped the broom as soon as I left, so I had to fly there normal, and I had to bite that magic carpet all the way back here.

I knew it, Carpet Muncher.

Dick Bisque Carpet Muncher.

So is it done?

Oh, it's all done.

It was easy enough to fix

the.

Hold on, the resonance stone

in my arm is glowing.

That means that it's working again.

That was the signal if I was successful.

Yes,

I went and I looked at the crystal at the center of the town, and it was green.

And I thought, oh, that's not good.

So I clicked on it, and I made it a different color, and now it's blue, and everything's fine.

Oh, we could have just braved the three days of nightmares and the vibrating teeth sneezing to just go click on it?

Well, you needed a wizard to do it, and then

I sort of leaned on it and gave it like a punch with one arm, and I shouted, funds are early, and that it was all fixed.

Oh, well, if it required a magic word such as that that I could never have known, I must thank you for completing my mission for me, Dick.

And then my hat fell off, and a door was about to close on the chamber where the crystal is, and I reached under and I grabbed the hat right before the door came down, and I threw it back on my head.

Oh, thank goddess.

And it gave the brim a little

what?

A little like, uh, I don't know.

Describe it.

what do you call it okay

you're just turning your head you just you're twisting down

no you don't turn the hat you don't turn

you're grabbing the brim and it's turning just run your finger across the brim of the fucking hat what does that do

to look cool leave it to the experts let me let me try it with my let me try the thing here

oh

my head off

that's all right we can get we can fix that we can fix that we can fix that yeah uh you said or while you were gone, we were talking about merch

briefly.

People can buy shirts on our TeePublic store.

There's a link in the show notes.

But the one other thing I wanted to add to this is something we've been talking about doing for a while.

In the email, they requested, and only you can prevent drugs shirt.

So what I think we should do is we're going to have a shirt.

Why are we doing that again?

It's too much to explain.

Just go with it.

In our store, we're going to have a shirt, and it's going to have a little chunt, and it's going to have a word balloon, and it's going to say, only you can prevent drugs.

Now, it's for a limited time until the next time one of us says that should be a shirt, then the only you can prevent drugs shirt will be gone, and you can only get the new one.

So, maybe next week it'll be different, or maybe we'll forget to do it for years and years and years.

That sounds right.

That sounds like a real act now situation to me.

Yeah.

Well, that'd be sort of fun because then you could have chunt shirts that say all sorts of different things, sort of the way chunt says all sorts of different shirts.

Chunt says all sorts of different things.

And used to wear shirts that say all kinds of things.

And Arnie shirts that say all kinds of things.

Okay, fine.

I will add an Arnie shirt and it's going to say butt-ass Big Donger.

I don't know that

one available for

Wow.

You know, wear it to like family reunions or graduations.

If there's one thing that Arnie loves, it's backstock.

Yes.

You know, guys, also,

I'm right.

I'm right here.

I said all kinds of stuff.

I said a bunch of I mean, were you to pick one just out of the...

I see what's happening here.

Take some more Pixies whiskers.

There you go.

Oh, no.

Up your left nostril.

You must take the left tunnel.

Mike, you must take the left tunnel.

Oh, no.

I did it.

I did it.

All right.

Well, okay.

Well, this is great.

This has been great, guys.

This has been great.

I'm going to get home.

This is so exciting.

Mechatronica is saved, and I've made a bunch of new friends, and this is awesome.

Thank you so much for having me.

I'll see you all later.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Microsoft.

Interesting.

He's talking a mile a minute, but his mechanized wooden suit is moving so slowly.

Oh, man.

I just can't believe I can't wait to get home like this.

I was just like, sorry, can you just move this chair out of the way for me?

Oh, yeah, this is all I'm happy to do.

He's moving the levers faster, but it's not, he hasn't increased the capabilities of the machine.

The latch is tricky here.

I just can't seem to have, you know, I want to open it, but my fingers are all twitching like this.

That crystal and Mectronica is good for, I'd say, at least 10, 15 weeks.

Okay.

Oh, good.

I have a note here from production.

I told them never to approach me.

The cast wants you to know that they paused the recording for 15 minutes to verify that Usador's gnome name, Dick Bisque, was not the name that the inventory imp ate earlier this season.

They confirmed that that name was Biscuit Meniscus, which was how the bakers formally knew him.

So they resumed recording, safe in the knowledge that they could canonically still refer to him as Dick Bisque.

See, we do pay attention to details this once.

Also, the Magic Tavern Tea Public store now has, for a limited time, shirts where Chant says, only you can prevent drugs, and one where Arnie says, butt ass big donger.

I'm told they made these shirts on purpose.

There's a link to the merch store in the show notes.

Again, they are here for a limited time, so focus on the positive.

User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chant the Talking Badger was played by Adel Raffai.

My Chronomo Good Gear was played by special guest Eric Muller.

You can see Eric improvise with his friends on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the Second City Chicago in the show $10 Comedy.

So I guess it's not pay what you think the show's worth, Eric?

Then again, they stopped printing $0 bills.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Supporters like Kitte Meow Wow, Elliot Raven Oak, Cat Savage, the Thundercat with no moral code, No Tank Tops, Ben Reilly, Solar Jenkins, freewheeling cousin of Hydroelectric Jones, Emily Elizabeth St.

Guterres, Colton Mr.

G.

Gableman, Nick the Florida Man, Do the Right Thing on Election Day, Nick, and Zach Fisher.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, this year's Chunt for Red October.

Well, we can't tell you that because we have Dr.

Pepper confidentiality.

Yes.

Okay, I'll be over here.

I don't like him particularly.

No, No, me either.

Not as bad as Sandy, but who?

Sandy was over here before.

The vampire or the mummy?

I met a mummy earlier.

Here's the thing.

They're both the same person.

Get the fuck out of here.

I know.

That was Sandy, the vampire, dressed up like a mummy.

Yeah.

He wrapped himself in bandages, and then he said, he came up and he said, I'm a mummy.

I'm wrapped in bandages.

And it's like, what are we doing?

Oh, he came up to me and he said, oh, be careful.

I'll turn into a thousand locusts.

And I was like, all right, whatever.

I can do that.

A thousand Lucas?

Locusts.

Locusts, that makes way more sense.

What did you think I said?

I thought you said a thousand Lucas.

That would be scary.

Oh, hello.

Fuck, it's Lucas.

Hey, Lucas.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

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