Season 5, Ep 32 - Micronomo (w/ Eric Muller)

Why choose a sleep number smart bed? Can I make my site softer? Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler?

Sleep number does that, cools up to eight times faster, and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side. Your sleep number setting.

JD Power ranks sleep number one in customer satisfaction with mattresses purchased in store and online. And now all mattresses are on sale, plus, free home delivery during our Cyber Week sale.

Limited time. For JD Power 2025 award information, visit jdpower.com/slash awards.
Check it out at a sleep number store or sleepnumber.com today.

Improvised Shakespeare, and Glass Cannon Network. The Cthulhu-inspired horror comes to life through immersive sound design that amplifies cosmic dread and hilarious moments.

The whole thing starts with the roll of a die to pick an episode title suggested by their fans on Patreon. Then things get very weird, very fast.

And they have an amazing rotating cast and special guests like Ashley Birch, Brennan Lee Mulligan, Becca Scott, Colton Dunn, Lou Wilson, Vic Michaelis, and Matthew Lillard.

Why, I even heard that one of Ani's friends, Matt Young, went on there and had a very good time.

So search for Push the Roll Roll with Ross Bryant, wherever you get your podcasts, or check out pushtheroll.com. That's R-O-L-L or rustyquill.com for more details.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real. But during these colder northern hemispheric Earth months, let us provide some warmth to keep the chill away.

Namely, the white-hot rage produced by thinking about how much time you've spent listening to this. And that thermostat is about to rise even further because it's time to sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Darnie Needkamp.
If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern The Wandere Lost in the Magical Land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Hmm, Chunt, please.
Ass always.

Is that what you said? What's this? You said you're joined Ass Always? Ass always.

Oh,

you know what? I am going to start saying that. I'm joined

by my good butt,

Chunt the Talking Baby. You know what? Actually, I'll take it.
I'm sorry to do this to you, Chunt. We're going to start the episode over.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Neekam.
If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through Dimensional Portal behind a burger king in Chicago into the magical fantastical land of food.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift. And I used to have to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wander Lost in the Magical Land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my good butt, John the Talking Badger. Worth it.
Worth it. I'll probably cut that first part off so that we just start with the gold.
Yeah, sort of a,

what did you say it was called? A circumcision? Mm-hmm. Yeah, cut that first part off.
Do you think it's a good idea for me to go back and delete every episode before this one as well?

Like, literally, that's where we start.

Yeah, I think so. Might as well.
By the way, congratulations, Chunt, on another successful Chunt for Red October. Thank you.
I don't remember anything about what happened.

Maybe I had a few too many drinks. I'm not saying that because we haven't recorded it yet, but congratulations.

Thank you so much, Arnie. It It was tough because with all this warring going on with the animals, you know, everyone is so negative.
There's so much war happening.

But, you know, I'm glad the theme was this year, hey, be positive.

And I feel like that really, I feel like we helped out a lot of wounded

animals and, of course, vampires and whatnot. Yeah.
And listener, dear listener, don't worry. You haven't drunk too much.
And that's why you've forgotten about the Chunfarat October episode.

This year, year as an exciting bonus it's just available on patreon

so if you're not yet a member of the magic tavern patreon society go over to patreon.com slash magic tavern and get your red october on yeah i'm just spinning the greatest phrases ever so far this episode i think so uh taking the straw turning it into gold as you said someone on earth once did now arnie you mentioned that your blood type is you were a universal donger

That's true. I'm a universal donger.
Interesting. I'm also going to add that.
I'm sorry to do this. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast on the Magical Land of Food.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekam. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical fantasical land.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Wander Lost, hosted by me, the Universal Donger, Arnie Niecamp.

And I'm joined as always

by my good butt, Chunt the Talking Badger. How you doing, buddy? Ooh, the whole shebang.

The whole shebang. Shebang, shebang, Arnie.
Shebang, shebang. Oh, maybe.

You got it. Speaking of shebanging, she bang, she bangs my other co-host, Usidor the Blue.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Taracas, the Elves know me as Fearing Elek, the dwarves know me as Zonin and Hookstanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maestar.

And let the goddesses know,

and let the angels sing,

and let the heavens open,

and let Ani know. People don't tune into this show to hear that intro that much.
Did someone bump into you during that speech right there? You said let the heavens up. Oh, oh, oh,

hell, hello, bartender. may I have a large serving of water and another large serving of oil? You store you throwing your voice?

I wish.

I'm very interested in.

Thank you.

They both look equally delicious. They're equally delicious.
That's kind of fun.

Loud guy over at the bar. Poor gentleman over there at the bar speaking very loudly.
That's sort of my deal.

Moving so stealthily.

Oh, why would you announce that? And then do it so poorly. Ah, it is good to release tension on the legs.
That's true. Why is he putting that chair on his head, though?

Well, to release tension in your legs. If you put the if you sit too long, it puts tension on your legs, so you gotta put the chair on your head sometimes.

Uh, uh, friend, why don't you um turn that crown upside down and put that chair under your darrier and have a seat and be our guest.

What? Me?

Why, I do look like a person you would invite to have meet you at your table as an equally sized person. That's exactly what I was thinking.

And you know, when you say equally sized, you're quite tall. You're about the same height as me.
I, as some of our listeners might know, I'm six foot four.

Which is an extremely common height for a human to be. Sure, I guess so.
Well, Arnie, you're downplaying it. You subtle, you subtle buffoon.
You are six foot four and made of muscle. Oh, thank you.

But what is your job? How do you make a living? Well,

I'm a universal donger, I think.

Yeah,

correctly. I feel like that brings in the most money.
And then I guess

we do this podcast, which, again, if you don't mind being a guest on, it's sort of like, whoa, how to explain it. It's sort of like theater.
Theater for the ears? Theater for the ears.

And this is a common thing that humans do. So I, of course, will partake.

Ooh, eat. Perfect.
Got the chair under his butt. Good job.
Yes, thank you. And Mr.
Bisque, nice to see you as well. Excuse me?

Yes, nice to see you, Dick Bisk. Ah, oh, well, I'm known to the gnomes as Dick Bisk, but I am Usidor the Blue, one of the greatest wizards in all of Foon.

You, as a human, certainly don't need to call me by such a nomenclature.

Yes, I wouldn't use nomenclature, would I? I would use humenclature.

I'm sorry, Usidor.

So, friend, what is your name? I am

Micronomo Goodgear, the human man.

I'm so sorry. I wasn't sure how much of that was your name and how much of that was you struggling to say it.
What was it? Micronomo. I'm Micronomo Goodgear.
My Chronomo Goodyear? Mike Chronomo.

Yes, I go by Mike. Oh, thank God.

I was going going to remember that name, Arnie. No, I'm still struggling to remember ass always,

my good butt, Chanta talking about, and then the Universal Dongger thing, like... Oh, ass, butt, and dong.
You are all healthy sexual humans, I see. Very good, very good.
Well, thank you so much.

Not humans, but all

of us. Oh, I'm so sorry.
You, of course, are a...

Friend to all.

Oh, lovely. A friend to me, I hope, as well.
Absolutely. A friend would have remembered my entire name.
Can you say it back to me just one time, please? I want to say Mike Mike Animal. Mike Animal?

Mike? Yeah, that's right. It's Mike Snow.
Chunt, are you talking about our good friend Micronimo Goodyear? Yes, that's my human name. Well, it sounds like a classic human name to me, I wouldn't know.

They all sound a little strange to my ear. Oh, well, you're a Goodyear simp over here.
Fucking Goodyear Simp.

Sucking up. Well, I'm just saying,

a human language isn't quite as beautiful as, say, like an elven language. You'd say something like, Nathaniel Quenyarovin.
You say things like, oni knee camp.

And, you know, gnomish is a also dulcet, dulcet language. Pleasant to the ear.

It's strange gnomes have come up twice. It's, you know, not a competition between gnomish and elvish, but if it were, we

they would be in the running. Now, friend, I don't mean to be rude, but I can't help but notice that it looks like you're made out of wood.
Whoa.

Cusidor. That's the horniest thing I've ever heard.
It's a very finely polished wood. It looks beautiful.

A great deal of craftsmanship, but uh... I feel like being called out as horny by a butt-ass big donger over there is the height of hypocrisy.
I'm not the butt-ass big donger. That's honie.

Look. Oh, great.
Now I gotta write this down. Let's see.
I'm your host, butt-ass Big Donger.

Yes, well, if it looks like I'm made of wood. It's quiet.
Give him a second to write it down.

This is gonna take me like that. He's taking those.
Okay, go ahead. I don't know why he writes it down.
He never remembers. He eats that paper almost immediately.

If I was made of wood, that wouldn't be a problem, would it?

Uh, no, I would just, I would ask, since you're obviously a human,

what which bewitched you to become this

wooden man, this finely polished, extremely well-crafted

automaton-ish

thing we see before us? Look,

I'm going to get down to brass tacks because it is so hot in here.

Whoa, whoa, there's a bunch of brass tacks inside. His torso is opening up.
He's literally getting down to the brass tacks.

Take this chainmail tack stuff. Oh, so much steam.

Oh, oh, there's a bunch of people. A compartment in the middle of him opened up and there's a little man inside this big man.

That's better. That's better.
Look, I know I had you guys fooled eight ways from Foon Day, but

I'm actually a gnome in a man suit. I knew it! Audi, there's been a gnome inside you this whole time.
Let's rip you open. No, there's no, no, no.
Oh, no, it's okay, friend. You can reveal yourself.

Everything, we're being honest now.

I wish there was a little, I was a little person inside this big man suit, but I am really just this big man. Arnie, wouldn't it be fun if there was like a little brain in your tummy?

Just like a little brain controlling everything.

I don't know. That sounds gross.
I don't sound like a quato situation. No,

I think he was thinking it was more like an idea he'd write down and he'd shred it a little bit later.

Just something right off the dome, you know, right off the top of his

super dome, yeah.

Well, uh, I'm sorry, I feel like I was doing

dare I say, a perfect job impersonating a human man, even down to the exact size of an existent human here. But I feel like I really slipped in the dick bisque there when I uh when I called you that.

Yes, that should have been our first clue. Uh, for who else would call me Dick Bisque but the gnomes of Foom?

Unless, of course, we're talking about the southern gnomes, in which case they would call me Randy Spankalots. Yes, yes, yes, of course.
I have a cousin who lives in the south.

And yes, you're just as famous there for an equally excellent name. Thank you.

Is there anything that more underlines the North versus South divide in this world than the fact that the Northern gnomes call you Dick Bisque and the Southern Gnomes call you Randy Spanks a lot?

That's just that you remember.

For now.

If anything really typifies the foonish division of North and South, that is it. And we so proud of that, frankly.
We have a lot of those little

turns of phrase where it's like, oh, in the south, they call you sweetheart a little bit more in the gnomish towns.

And in the north,

there's more steam power. Yes, well, and in the south, they also say, like,

bless your little tiny hat. Yes, it is.
But when they say that, they're not really, they don't mean bless your tiny hat. They mean you're kind of an asshole.

In the north, you hear Fing Yellick, and in the South, you hear Fing Yawlik. That's true.
Yes, yes,

these are the things we know about the North and the South of Foon.

In the North, they call it Foon, in the South, they call it Pepsi. Oh, right, yeah.
And also, northern gnomes will drive a carriage like this. Yeah,

but in the south, gnomes drive their carriages like this. Hey, yeah.

Oh, that is, hey, that's our stereotype. Only we get to do that one, okay? Sorry, yeah, I felt like I overstepped.
I'm sorry. You're not wrong, but you're a little too right for right now.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I'm sorry. So, my chronomo, I have to ask,

what possessed you to build such a fine human sacrifice simulacrum?

Well, if you must know. I mean, we don't must know.
We're curious. Yes, well.
I must know. I insist.
Okay, he must know. I'm on a recon mission.

I'm undercover.

And I was doing, I think, again, frankly, a perfect job until

I agree. You put that chair on your head, and I thought perfect human move.
Thank you, thank you. I learned that in the south.
That adds up.

Yes, well, I'm on a recon mission because the gnomes of Mechatronica, where I'm from, of course, we all know the moving city of Mechatronica, where the gnomes live. Oh,

we're running out of energy and magic, and our city is tiring itself out. Oh, no.

Yes.

Well,

how may we assist? For here you look upon one of the greatest wizards in all of food and Foon's greatest warrior and Foon's greatest lawyer and Chunt the talking badger who's actually a shapeshifter.

You're a shapeshifter? Wow, that is impressive.

Unbelievable.

Thank you. Yeah, people, you know, you hear the list of what everyone is, and usually people are really impressed by that one.

And I used to be Foon's greatest warrior, but now I'm just a butt-ass donger. You know what? That's not lateral, buddy.
That is, that feels like an upgrade.

I'm sorry, it's just that I had to go through all this work to shift my shape into this one different shape, and you can just do it whenever you want. That's incredible.
Just say a thing.

He'll turn into it. Right, John? Just say a thing.
Yeah, say something. Except for like, don't say like jealousy or something.
Oh, no, that's so stupid, isn't it?

When you're like playing 20 questions with someone, and it's like the concept of infinity. Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, I think it's kind of a clever idea, but go on.
Arnie does it all the time.

Can you look like

a duck platypus thing that maybe can only say like one word? Okay, a duck platypus thing that can only say one word. Okay.

Yeah, I just have to picture it in my mind's eye. We all know what a platypus looks like here in Fu,

of course. Right, a platypus.
But you want a duck platypus thing? Like a hybrid. Like a duck fucked a platypus.
Yes, well, it didn't. I mean, it could have come about through magic.

It wouldn't have necessarily no, no, no, no. Chunt, I think the duck fucked the platypus of this.
It's usually, yeah, as a result of duck fuck.

And it only says one word.

Do you have any preference on what the word is? Yeah, which word? Quack or... No, I mean, I feel like this is a dealer's choice moment, really.
How about

you? We could give you a minute.

So a lawyer, huh? That must be really interesting. Well, technically, I guess I am the greatest lawyer in all of Foon because

I helped Arnie in a time of need and I defeated the greatest lawyer, Barnor the Lawyer, who was

related to Arnor the Warrior.

Oh.

Yes, so I took his title on and now

I don't practice a lot of law. Because you're so good at it? I don't need to practice.
You're an incredible dick. Do you know that? Oh,

I wish people said that to me more often. I think a

duck platypus thing will look a little something like this.

Turns around.

Turns back around.

Half back. Oh!

Half back.

Half back.

Halfback. Oh, it's a refund.
A partial refund. Half back.
Oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah. Incredible.
I am so impressed by that. Watch this here.

Pull this lever on here.

Oh, now your arm went up. Yeah, that's all I...
That's it. And look here, I can do it with the other one.

Huh, that's very impressive. Yeah, that took me three years to build that.
Oh, wow.

Wow. Wow, very impressive.
Why don't we take a quick break and we'll be halfback? He said more than one thing. Halfback.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. While traditions can offer a sense of continuity, creating meaningful new traditions that reflect our growth is just as important.

Why Chunt Arnie and I have bonded by adopting the Earth tradition of Susaning door-to-door, singing merry tunes of winter solstice.

Incorporating therapy into your traditions ensures you take time for yourself during what can be a very joyful, but sometimes hectic or lonely time of the year.

And therapy can give you the space to rewrite your traditions, providing clarity amid the holiday chaos. So instead of just carving turkey, carve out some time for yourself by trying BetterHelp.

Because BetterHelp works, with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. This December start a new tradition by taking care of you.

Our listeners get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash magic. That's betterhelp.com slash magic.

This episode is brought to you by Quince. I know what you're thinking.
I'm looking better lately. And first of all, thank you for noticing.
And second of all, a lot of it is because of Quince.

Stuff that looks sharp, feels good, and I actually want to put it on. And one of the main reasons that it's great for buying for yourself and as gifts is the price.

By partnering directly with trusted factories that maintain high standards for craftsmanship and, just as importantly, ethical practices, Quince cuts out the middlemen and markups.

That means premium quality at half the cost of other high-end brands. So you can get or give luxury pieces without the luxury price tag.

I especially love the flow-knit joggers and flow-knit pants that I got. They're so comfortable.
I'm excited to put them on and they look great.

I think I'm going to get a pair for Usidor for the holidays so we can be flown it buddies. And Quince has gifting covered beyond clothing too.

You can get anything for home, bath, kitchen, or travel to share or keep this holiday. Get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with Quince.
Don't wait.

Go to quince.com/slash hello for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available available in Canada, too.
That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com/slash hello. Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash hello.

So, Mike,

and I guess is your name Mike? Like,

is the big you have a different name than the

regular sized you? No, no, my name is Micronimo Goodyear. That's not atypical for a human, is it? What's your name? My name is Arnie Nikamp.
Arnie Neecamp.

See, that's just as staccato as Microni Mo Goodgear. It's equally as

mellifluous. So, Mike, why don't you tell me a little bit about the process, like, of making this thing? Like, on my world, we'd call it like a mech, probably.

Yes, because it's mechanical. I don't think it's a mech.
I think it's very nice. I don't think it's a mess at all.
Yeah, blut this mech. Thank you, Dick Bisk, and Chant.

You know, it takes a village. And

in my case, a good chunk of the city, we all got together. Most gnomes, I don't know if you know this, when gnomes are doing their artifices,

they often have a specialization. So,

my father, Numanico, he helped with some of the steam pressurization stuff, and my mom, Resinancy, helped with the vocal box. So, you've noticed that my voice changed when I took the pseudo part.

I did notice. Sorry.
What was your mom's name? Reza Nancy. Reza Nancy? Huh.
That's an old gnomish name. Her mother was also Reza Nancy, but she specialized in nuts and bolts.

So sometimes the name comes, but that's not what you specialize in. But often, often it does.
So my chronomo, I'm really good at making the very fine, small, tiny little parts.

And Goodyear, that's our family name, because, you know, we make sure we keep it tight.

You You know, they mesh very well.

Minimal

jarring. You know, you lube it up a little bit and

you're good to go, we say. That's on my family crest too, but it's in Gnomish.

He pulled a bunch of levers to make his wooden arm nudge us. He had to do so much work to do that subtle gesture.
There's a wink switch somewhere around here, too. Here it is.

Oh.

My mom got it to make the sound wink when I hit the switch, too. Oh, thank you, Resonancy.
That was a good gift from her. It was a going-away gift, because she's terribly worried.

We're all terribly worried. The city is

winding down. That's right.
Yeah, you said it's running out of energy and magic. Yes.

So it runs on those two things.

Where do you get your source of energy and where do you get your source of magic? Well, originally our city was enchanted by Lodestone Greatcraft. You know, the Green Wizard.
Yeah, I know.

Oh, Spin Tax? Oh, that's Spin Tax.

Sure, yeah, Kamase, Kamasa. Come where? Is that another one of his names? Uh, no, that's what Jamilius the Mauve is known as in the south.
Oh, okay. So you've spent some time in the south.

Yeah, we, yes, we summer there. Mm-hmm.
Well, the whole city summers there is the thing, you know. Not every gnome has a giant-moving artificial city.
That's that's our thing, you know.

Well, not every human has a giant-moving tavern. You may not know this, but the wanderlost itself is ambulatory.
Is it really? I would love to see the mechanism. It's supposed to be.

I don't know how well it works.

Arnie kept putting his gum on stuff. Yeah.

We can't really control it, so it moves when it wants to move, which is sort of the worst of both worlds. Oh, so how do you know where you're going to end up? We don't.
We don't. Who built this?

That's ridiculous. That's a good question.
How did we? How did we do it? Was it a curse? How did we get it to be a bad thing?

I bought it. It's cursed.
I haven't really dug much into the lore. Oh.
I've been more interested in my own personal lore recently. Oh, that makes sense.
I understand that.

Although, to be so jejun about a cursed object is really. I like that.
I like that. That's me.
What a strength of character you must have. I'm just a jejune universal donger.

Already, you are a bit jizzune. Ah, what ought a universal donger to be, but not just June? As long as he doesn't have ennuiness.
Chunt, we just had Chunt for Red October.

It's not time to start planning Jiz June yet. Oh, come on.

Do you celebrate Jiz June here? We do now. We will next year.
I thought that was just in the South. Yeah.
Oh, what a fun time.

You know that one tree when it comes into bloom and everything smells like that? Oh, I love Jiz June.

Oh, it's beautiful in the South. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
So anyway, Lodestone Greatcraft.

He powered the, put a great spell on the city to help us move around.

And I don't don't know what has happened with magic and wizards lately stuff seems

I'll tell you I have an answer for you

the wizards are a bunch of assholes and they've decided to become warlords and cruel uh unthinking uh

masters of of land and territory uh thinking of these these paltry mortal things because they themselves have become mortal and they become petty in their mortal natures forgetting their better natures.

Yes, they should think back to the goddesses, and they should think of how they could benefit all the good peoples and children of Foon.

Yea, and I shall set the example for them by helping you, my Chronomo.

If Spintax is giving you some sort of crappy green spell, let it be fixed with blue magic. Wait, really? You would do that for my city? Sure, like,

do that? You're sure, right? I don't, you know, don't get over your skis here. I, I, you're great, Dick, but I think I, well, I mean, I don't know exactly what you need.
I would love for you to try.

I don't know what I need either. It would require a wizard of great power to even diagnose it properly.
Well, I assume he, when he casts this spell, he sets some sort of

crystal stone at the center of the city. There's a crystal stone, yes, that's in the center of the city.

And there's a lot of, there's, there's, there's metal rods that are connecting against it, and those go to other different, bigger metal rods, and those usually move in and out.

Can I ask the crystal stone in the center of the city, does it hum or does it buzz? Good question. Is it like a hmm or is it like a buzz?

Does that make sense? I would say, yeah, it's like it's like

a

hmm, bzz.

A humming. Ooh, it's a hum and buzz.
That's intricate. It's just a hum and buzz.

It's a little more intricate.

And this crystal stone in the middle of the city, when you get close to it, does it sort of make you hear whispering sounds or does it make your teeth fall out?

It makes your teeth vibrate and usually that will make you sneeze

and then you know you will have dark dreams for three days if you pass the threshold of runes that he inscribed on the floor around it and which you know we are extremely loath to do.

Was this crystal stone the fourth in a series of cities and you kind of were like you look back and you go crystal stone's not that good? Yeah, when Spintax left, did his hat fly off his head and

grabbed it? A young wizard went to grab it and he he was like, nah, ah, ah.

You know, as I think it's like, you look like you know exactly what we're talking about. He had his green, his green shoes were showing, and he was flying off into the air.

Yes, no, no, no, this sounds familiar. This sounds familiar.
Have you considered having like a replacing it with a dial? Well, I'm sure the previous version, he probably had

some sort of cup there in the middle of the city, like a magical cup. Okay, so it sounds like you guys have a handle on this thing then, so maybe you could just suggest solutions.
Hold on.

It sounds like you said there's runes on the ground i bet all the runes um whatever words they sort of indicate start with j is that right mike you have no idea how fun this is to talk about it i'm so sorry uh no it looks like you guys are having a wonderful time and as with new friends i too enjoy having a wonderful time i just don't want to lose sight of my mission

and dick

you it sounds like you could maybe help it sounds like all of you have parts of a great idea that you're really all just bringing together in a great assemblage assemblage of

reference and fun

why'd it have to be mechs i guess i guess my question is yeah why did it have to be mechs well well that's our specialty how is building a human suit for yourself helping you in any way at all well we'll see that we don't know because we haven't been able to talk to lodestone but but we're worried that he's angry at us and so if he sees gnomes around he might assume that we came from mechatronica and he might want to do us ill and so I thought I'll disguise myself.

Because again, all the wizards, they're warlords, they're being dicks, I think you said.

It's bad stuff out there, man. It's bad stuff.
Yeah. I would recommend not going to Spintax at all.
One, he's always been a dick, even before all this mortal bullshit.

Like, everyone thinks he's so great, but he's not that great.

The whole city was moving around. It was a whole mobile story.
Well, okay, but I live in a tavern that also moves around because of a curse. I mean, I believe you.

I'd love to get a look at the gears and stuff that's underneath it, but right now, all I have is your word that this thing moves around. I'm telling you, my city.

I guess all you have is my word that it moves around, but I built this thing, so you know, extrapolate. I guess I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I'm just saying, just saying, you know, I guess

I don't know either because uh, maybe, uh, maybe you're just uh full of crap, just like Spintax. You know, you're such good friends with him.
Why don't you go uh kiss his green butt?

Dick, Arnie, I don't know if you noticed this, but they're both pissing at the same time. Oh, god damn it, I have a leak in my suit.
Hold on a second. Oh, this is embarrassing.

I'm not embarrassed.

I thought I did a better job building this thing, and now my city's not gonna be fixed, and my whole family's gonna die, and then there's gonna be some other thing that talked about.

I don't quite get the reference in my speech, I know. It's okay.
It's okay. Now, Micronomo,

I don't know why your family would die if the city quit moving.

It's part of the spell. If the city spends more than one week of sunsets in the same place, it will shatter and explode.
Oh, okay. Or so I'm told.
Why is it made that way in the first place?

I don't know. You're the one who said wizards are dicks and they do weird things for inscrutable reasons.

I can't.

I'll say this. You're right.
Sometimes wizards are dicks, they do things for inscrutable reasons. But also, magic's crazy, man.
Like, if you want to make a moving city, there's always a price to pay.

And it's like, well, I can make the city move, but if it holds still for seven sunsets, it's gonna blow up with all your family in it. That's the only way I can get it to you.

I know this isn't your false micronimo, but at some point, whoever in your town originally agreed to this, they're like, we need this city to move, and we're willing to pay the price that it'll blow up if it stays still.

This is three generations old here. I should have thought to ask my grandparents why they did it this way.
It is an asinine setup.

Just make it stop. What are the benefits of a moving city? Like, what are you...
Is it just that you move so you don't blow up? Or are there actual good things about it? Hey, man, look at you.

You come that way. You're stacked that tall, naturally.
And look at me. I fit inside.

I'm a squirrel and a half, two squirrels tall, max buddy, okay? And so, it's scary out there for a little guy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I've tried to tell him, right? I hear you. Go off, short cane.
Oh, thanks. Oh, thank you.
Thank you. It's,

And, you know, we just want to protect ourselves. And this is how we know.
This is our way.

We build our defenses with the power of our brains in our hands.

And, you know,

it's just nice to have a little empathy, you know? Sure.

I'm sorry I got angry with you before. It's just...
I'm so jealous of Spintax, and I don't know why he's cursed your city in this way,

though it has given you some power to move around and overcome your fears, I see.

Perhaps, you know, if we want to.

What could I do?

What if, how about this? Okay, here, I'm just spitballing some magic ideas here. Oh, please, magic is crazy, man.
It is so wild and out there. I would love to hear it.
What if I don't fix the spell?

Because I don't know if I can... If I start messing with Spintax's magic, I might do something even worse.

What if I made this city so it flies?

Then it's not still for the seven days. It's technically not walking around anymore, but it can fly wherever you want it to fly.
If you feel like this is a concession, then I am willing to take it.

I would love a flying city. Well, but here the whole thing.
The city can fly, but if the city ever dips below a certain speed, everyone inside the city immediately turns old. Oh no!

Shy Malan, that sounds terrible.

Is it always like this with wizards? Is he always doing this where it's like you get one thing and then you get half back? That sounds terrible. And just be careful, because

sort of sometimes wizard magic is sort of like a monkey's paw, where it's like your city will fly, but it'll go like a thousand miles per hour to where like everyone's skin flies off or something.

Oh, no. So like be careful.
Oh, you got a really breath. Well, and he's a lawyer, or you know, he's not practicing anymore, but he'll be really great at the fine details.

Any chant micronomo, do you need anything from the bar?

I'll take another one. Hold on, what is this fluid that leaked out of me earlier?

I'll take like a half half rainbow bowl, half red potion, just mix it together. Okay.
And my micronomo, don't feel bad about leaking fluid before. If I've learned anything, is you make something,

and eventually there's going to be more piss than you expected. Take that from a butt-ass donger.
I like that you look down to read that. That is somehow comforting to me.
Thank you.

So, when you're saying, when you produce, maybe not life, but another body of some kind, it'll expel fluids?

Well, yeah, or if you make a creative endeavor, there's just gonna be a lot more fluids in that endeavor than you originally thought there would be. Yeah, well, thank you, Dick Bisque.

If you can get that

rainbow bowl, red potion, hey, I would love it.

I need to fill my suit up again, but I'm going to think about your offer and think about ways that

I can corral you in so you can't monkey pause me where the first two fingers go down and then just the middle one's left up right in my face. Sure, do your best.

I'll have some talent wine. Talent wine, chunt?

Let me get a King's Juice. King's Juice.

Know that while I bring these drinks from the bar, there shall be a price to be exacted. You know, in the South, we call King's Juice Coke.
Oh, really?

But wait, don't you also call any wine Coke? Yes. And you also call water Coke.
Mm-hmm. What do you call cocaine? Uh, that's the the pixies whisper.

Ooh.

Yeah, we could really go for some pixie's whisper right now. Yeah.
Yeah, that must be so tough to be like stressing about your city and also your family.

Yeah, you guys, you don't have any Pixie's whisper, do you? Um, no, you said or might have some more glory, but there will be a price to pay. Oh, no, I got off that stuff.
That will mess you up.

Ah, here you are, a king's juice, a talent wine, a half rainbow bowl, and half red potion. And I shall take your firstborn child.
Whoa, I didn't even agree to anything. Hold on.

That's three fourth firstborn children for me today. Good job, you Sador.
Wow, you're on a tear. I really am.
Let's take a quick break. No, you're standing on a terry store.

Your robe is caught on a nail. Oh, sorry.

This episode is sponsored by AG1. Art thou traveling this winter solstice season? To large family gatherings, rampant with children and uncles? Who knows where they've been?

Wouldn't you like to do something easy, but which will support your body's natural defenses every day? That is why I use AG-1, and you should too.

I'm enjoying the citrus flavor, but you could try berry or tropical or original.

AG-1 Next Gen contains more vitamins and minerals than ever before, and it's clinically shown to fill common nutrient gaps.

AG-1 is the daily health drink that combines your multivitamin, pre- and probiotic superfoods, and antioxidants into one simple green scoop. And right now, AG-1 has their best offer ever.

if you head to drinkag1.com slash magic you'll get the welcome kit a morning person hat a bottle of vitamin d3 plus k2 an ag1 flavor sampler and you'll get to try their new sleep supplement agz for free which has been a game changer for my nightly routine that's drinkag1.com slash magic for 126 dollars in free gifts for new subscribers

This episode is brought to you by Uncommon Goods. The holidays are almost here, and be honest, you still have presents you have to get for people.

Luckily, Uncommon Goods makes holiday shopping stress-free and joyful. With thousands of one-of-a-kind gifts, you can't find anywhere else.
I'm on the site right now. There's so much cool stuff.

I might get one of these advent calendars for chunt. Ooh, and I'm definitely getting Usidor, the tree wizard bird feeder.

You know, it's one of those things where you put eyes on a tree, on a real tree, but it also has this really cool wizard beard that curls up so birds can kind of drink out of the beard.

I'm not describing it well, but it looks great. And obviously, birds, Usidor is gonna love it.
When you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists and small independent businesses.

Every purchase is a chance to choose something remarkable and feel good about where your money goes.

And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a non-profit partner of your choice. So don't wait.
Make this holiday the year you give something truly unforgettable.

To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com/slash/magic slash magic tavern. That's uncommon goods.com slash magic tavern for 15% off.
Don't miss out on this limited time offer.

Uncommon goods. We're all out of the ordinary.

Yeah, man. Yeah, so then like, so you like, so like, uh, uh, then, and then like, and then like you will, okay, so like you, you, the city can fly.
It can't go like a thousand miles an hour.

It like, um, it like, shunt, you know, it, uh, our skin won't fly off. There's a protective dome.
We can break and slow down if we need to. And

during the break, did you give Micronomo some cocaine? No, I gave him some Pixie's whisper. This dude is absolutely zooted.

And then, and then, and then, and then, okay, and like, uh, uh, uh, we can set it down for one hour if we need to. I'm writing it down.
Okay, dude. All right, all right, all right, all right.

Mike, you're so interesting all of a sudden. And your dancing, your dancing is amazing.
You look so good dancing.

I just think it feels good to do.

Hey, we should start a business. Do you want to start a podcast?

Oh, no, it's not right on that one. That's ridiculous.
Sorry. No, no, no, no.
That's a dumb idea. That's a dumb idea.
That's the only one I'll have the whole night, though.

The rest are going to be platinum-coated.

Well, I don't know. It seems like I'm not really getting much out of this deal.

Let me fix your tavern. Let me fix your tavern.
Let me look at the... Why don't you take me down to the basement? Let me look at the tavern.
I can see if I can

fix the gears. And

you can take this thing wherever you want, man. Alright, I'll make a deal with you.

If you fix the tavern so we can be controlled by us to go where we want when we want, then I'll fix your town and nothing weird will happen. Nothing weird? Nothing at all.
I'll just fix it.

Alright, hold on. Let me just

get this arm up in front of my face here. Looks like they're about to shake on it.
Just spit on the wood. And then here you go.
Okay, it's really

diesel in the face.

Make a diesel.

Okay, real quick, Mike. My robe is catching again on the nail there.
All right, sorry about that. Mike, real quick, Mike.

Real quick, you can take that deal with you, sorry. You can, or

you can have what's in this box.

Oh, man, that's a good-looking box there. Look at that.
Oh, it's got a nice ribbon around it there. What's in the box?

What's in the box?

Wait, do I hear a

goat bleeding from inside of that box? Yeah, it's a goat.

Nice try, man. You tried to monkey paw me with a goat hoof.

All right, no, no, deal, you sidor. You're sorry, dick.
Deal. There we go.
Ah, oh, okay, yes, steal is made.

Here, there's a little hatch here right under the

under the table.

If you can just take a look at the gnome-sized.

That's interesting. Oh, maybe gnomes built the travel originally.

Okay, let me just get down here and then.

Okay, sir.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Are you kidding me? My dad worked on this.

Really?

I just got a little stamp on us right there. Yeah, there's no stampers on there right there.
A little maker's mark. That's nice.

Oh, yeah, I could go for some of that, too, if you're behind the bar there while you're at it. Okay, hold on.
Let me get back down here. Oh, what's the value? What could we sell it for?

Should we take the Tavern or Antiques Roadship? It's my tavern. I don't want to sell it.
At least not this season.

Well, it'd just be nice to know how much it's worth, and then you can keep it in the family. That's what we usually do.
I'm excited that there's apparently some lore down there.

Okay, I think I've got it. It was just a couple things tightened, a couple things loosened.
Hold on, we didn't ask for anything to be loosened, we just wanted it to go get going again, okay?

We don't want any oil change, all right? We don't want our the air filter, does look like it could be replaced, is all I'm saying, okay? Oh, it's probably because of all the farts.

Look, I filled up the wiper fluid, though. That's for free, all right? Look at the air filter, it's filthy.
Yeah,

yeah, and I could use some more wiper fluid because when i've been wiping it just won't stop it just won't stop not enough fluid all right i'm putting the air filter back then but that's all no no no no we'll get to take the new air filter uh

okay

i assume that's an extra cost in gold

no in the spirit dick bisque of communication and friendship and us striking what i think is a bulletproof mutually uh agreeable deal the air filter is free

and that's the gnomish promise. Wow.

That's good gear. And since you've done that, boon for me.

I shan't double-cross you as I had planned and come up with some way to make the town dive deep into the earth as it could still move, but it would only go deeper and deeper towards the core of Foon.

I'm so happy. So how do you do your part now?

I'll just take this broom.

And you guys keep talking. I'll just fly to your town real quick and check on that crystal.
Bye!

What?

What? When did he start flying via broom? Yeah, that's so weird. Who can know what it's referencing?

I'm not sure I get this one, actually. He's also standing on the top of the broom handle, like balancing on it, which looks so weird.
Like, just put it between your legs, man.

No one's going to judge you. Yeah.
He looked insane, right? Yeah,

I mean, more than usual.

Yeah, but wizards are, you know, they're doing wild stuff now and magic is crazy he did not look like he knew what to do with his arms right like if you put the broom between your legs you know where to put your arms but he stood on top and so at first he had them sort of on his hips and then he folded his arms and then he put them flat at the side and then he put them both behind his head like he was relaxing but he was tensing so much and and the thing is he just kept going back and forth in front of the temperature it's like get going save my town stop it looked like he said he was going to use the broom and then he realized he didn't remember what the broom does.

So he was just like, I got to incorporate this broom somehow. I bet you a hundred gold that broom is sitting right outside the tavern door, and he just flew normal the rest of the way.
Yeah, I bet you

flew normal, yeah. Yeah, flew normal.
You know, my Kronomo, while we wait for you, Sidor, to come back, would you be okay with us reading an email? Oh, I would love that. What's an email?

It's a message from my world. Oh, by the way, I'm from another world.
Oh, that explains why you're so big. Yeah, people people who listen to this send us emails.

Listeners, if you want to email us, you can email us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies. It's a real email address.
Or you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us there.

Here's a recent message we got. The title is merch.

It says, please add more non-white shirts, long sleeves, exclamation points. Some of us are huge slobs like Arnie, and I'm not trying to get a self-made pink shirt.
Thank you.

Also, add, only you can prevent drugs. And sorry for my superfluous use of exclamation points.
I can't help it. Why would you want to prevent drugs?

I think they're referencing something we've said on the podcast where I think, look, I think the main point of this message is someone saying, can the shirts not be white? Can they have more colors?

Which I think we do actually have a bunch of other colors. Yeah, I think so.
But they also said no pink shirts or something along those lines.

I think they're worried that their white shirts will turn pink because they're messy slob like me. So you do have magic on earth.
White becomes pink?

Arnie, didn't you also say on earth that sometimes two become one? No. You sang that song and you said no.

You said get it on, get it on. This is the night that two become one.
That's also magic. You hide so much magic from us, Arnie.

I need somebody like I've never needed someone before to explain this email to me. Sure.
Look, here, I think I'll I'll explain. We have lots of great t-shirts that people can buy.

There'll be a link in the show notes. They're all on TeePublic.
Shirts that are spilled with tea, which is that's why they're brown, and so they want them to be white.

Well, white is one of the color options, brown is another color option. But here's the thing: you can click on any of the shirts, and they aren't just the color that is shown at first.

When you click on the link, you can get them in a multitude of colors, including tie-dye. Including a tie-dye.

We need to get some. Whoa.

Sorry,

I dropped the broom as soon as I left, so I had to fly there normal, and I had to bite that magic carpet all the way back here.

I knew it, Carpet Muncher. Dick Bisque Carpet Muncher.

So is it done?

Oh, it's all done. It was easy enough to fix

the... But the resonance stone in my arm is glowing.
That means that it's working again. That was the signal if I was successful.
Yes,

I went and I looked at the crystal at the center of the town, and it was green, and I thought, oh, that's not good.

So I clicked on it, and I made it a different color, and now it's blue, and everything's fine.

Oh, we could have just braved the three days of nightmares and the vibrating teeth sneezing to just go click on it.

Well, you needed a wizard to do it, and then I sort of like, I sort of leaned on it and gave it like a punch with one arm, and I shouted, Funs are early, and then it was all fixed.

Oh, well, if it required a magic word such as that, that I could never have known,

I must thank you for completing my mission for me, Dick.

And then my hat fell off, and a door was about to close on the chamber where the crystal is, and I reached under and I grabbed the hat right before the door came down, and I threw it back on my head.

Oh, thank God it's kind of

gave the brim a little

what? A little, like, uh, I don't know. Describe it.
What are you calling? I can't do it. Run your finger across the brim.
You're just turning your head.

You're twisting down your head about turning. No, you don't turn the hat.
You don't turn the hat off. You're grabbing the brim and it's turning.

Run your finger across the brim of the fucking hat. What does that do?

To look cool. Leave it to the experts.

Let me try it with my... Let me try it with my thing here.

Oh,

he's okay, brother.

He knocked my head off.

That's all right.

We can fix that. We can fix that.
We can fix it. Yeah.
Usidor, while you were gone, we were talking about merch

briefly. People can buy shirts on our TeePublic store.
There's a link in the show notes. But the one other thing I wanted to add to this is something we've been talking about doing for a while.

In the email, they requested an Only You Can Prevent Drugs shirt. So what I think we should do is we're going to have a shirt.
Why are we doing that again?

It's too much to explain. Just go with it.

In our store, we're going to have a shirt. And it's going to have a little chunt.
And it's going to have a word balloon.

And it's going to say, only you can prevent drugs now it's for a limited time until the next time one of us says that should be a shirt then the only you can prevent can prevent drugs shirt will be gone and you can only get the new one so maybe next week it'll be different or maybe we'll forget to do it for years and years and years that sounds right but sounds like a real act now situation to me yeah well that'd be sort of fun because then you could have chunt shirts that say all sorts of different things sort of the way chunt says all sorts of different shirts Chunt says all sorts of different things.

And you used to do shirts that say all kinds of things. And Arnie shirts that say all kinds of things.
Okay, fine. I will add an Arnie shirt, and it's going to say butt-ass big donger.

I don't know that. Make that one available for

ever buying. Wow.
You know, wear it to like family reunions or graduations.

If there's one thing that Arnie loves, it's backstock. Yes.

You know, guys, also,

I'm right. I'm right here.

I said all kinds of of stuff. I said a bunch of I mean, were you to pick one just out of the...
I see what's happening here. Take some more Pixies whispers.
There you go. Oh, no.

Up your left nostril. You must take the left tunnel.
Mike, you must take the left tunnel. Oh, no.

All right. Well, okay.
Well, this is great. This has been great, guys.
This has been great. I'm going to get home.
This is so exciting.

Mechatronica is saved, and I've made a bunch of new friends, and this is awesome.

Thank you so much for having me. I'll see you all later.

Goodbye, goodbye. My cross is a little bit more.
It's so interesting. He's talking a mile a minute, but his mechanized wooden suit is moving so slowly.

Oh man, I just can't believe I can't get home like this. I was just like, sorry, can you just move this chair out of the way for me? Oh, yeah, let's go.

He's moving the levers faster, but it's not, he hasn't increased the capabilities of the machine.

The latch is tricky here. I just can't seem to have, you know,

I bought it with my fingernails twitching like this.

Got it.

That crystal in Mectronica is good for, I'd say, at least 10, 15 weeks.

Oh, good.

I have a note here from production. I told them never to approach me.

The cast wants you to know that they paused the recording for 15 minutes to verify that Usador's gnome name, Dick Bisque, was not the name that the inventory imp ate earlier this season.

They confirmed that that name was Biscuit Meniscus, which was how the bakers formally knew him.

So they resume recording, safe in the knowledge that they could canonically still refer to him as Dick Bisque. See, we do pay attention to details this once.

Also, the Magic Tavern Tea Public store now has, for a limited time, shirts where Chance says, only you can prevent drugs. And one where Arnie says, butt-ass big donger.

I'm told they made these shirts on purpose. There's a link to the merch store in the show notes.
Again, they are here for a limited time, so focus on the positive.

Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.
My Chronomo Good Gear was played by special guest Eric Muller.

You can see Eric improvise with his friends on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the Second City Chicago in the show $10 Comedy. So I guess it's not pay what you think think the show's worth, Eric?

Then again, they stopped printing $0 bills. Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Supporters like Kitte Meow Wow, Elliot Raven Oak, Cat Savage, the Thundercat with no moral code, No Tank Tops, Ben Riley, Solar Jenkins, freewheeling cousin of Hydro Electric Jones, Emily Elizabeth St.

Guterres, Colton Mr. G.
Gableman, Nick the Florida Man, Do the Right Thing on Election Day, Nick, and Zach Fisher.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, this year's Chunt for Red October.

Well, we can't tell you that because we have Dr. Pepper confidentiality.
Yes. Okay, I'll be over here.
I don't like him particularly. No, me either.
Not as bad as Sandy, but... Who?

Sandy was over here before. The vampire vampire or the mummy? I met a mummy or something.
Here's the thing. They're both the same person.
Get the fuck out of here. I know.

That was Sandy the vampire dressed up like a mummy.

Yeah.

He wrapped himself in bandages and then he said, he came up and he said, I'm a mummy. I'm wrapped in bandages.
And it's like, what are we doing? Oh, he came up to me and he said, oh, be careful.

I'll turn into a thousand locusts. And I was like, all right, whatever.
I can do that. A thousand locusts? Locusts.
Locusts, that makes way more sense. What did you think I said?

I thought you said a thousand Lucas.

That would be scary.

Oh, hello.

Fuck, it's Lucas. Hey, Lucas.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz. Associate producer, Producer Anna Hoverman.
This episode edited by Tim Joyce. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.