Season 5, Ep 31 - Sorcererer (w/ Brad Sherwood)

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Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast for the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern the Wanderer Lost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chump the Talking Badger.

Bing Bong.

Hey, Arnie,

I drew you this picture today.

Oh, okay.

It's you and me, and we're holding hands, and that's the Sun and those are waves.

Okay.

And those are gremlins crawling all over.

Yeah.

And that's a giant.

Sort of violent.

There's a lot of.

Is all this blood?

Is all the red blood?

Yeah, it's water and blood because blood is mostly water.

Sure.

Yes.

And we're mostly blood.

So it's a sure circle of life.

But I went to school today.

I was bored.

And

we drew pictures.

Okay, great.

Why did you...

You went to school today?

Yeah.

I was bored.

Huh.

I should say I went to a school.

Yeah.

I've been trying to enroll him for years.

Did you not?

Chun, did you never go to school before?

I mean, I've been to a school, but I haven't, you know, I didn't go to school.

You're like, you've visited schools.

I've gone to schools I didn't go to school.

I've been to schools I didn't, you know, didn't learn.

Sure.

Well, I'm glad that you're finally getting some education.

Thank you.

Yes, I learned how to draw blood and gremlins.

Hmm, yeah.

Couldn't really use that.

And you know, it's kind of fun.

If you walk into a school as a badger with confidence,

no one says, hey, you're not supposed to be here.

They just pull you up a chair.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, well, I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Taracas.

The Elves know me as Fiang Yelik.

The Dwarves know me as Zonan and Hook Stengis, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gaswanias Mae Star.

And I have many other secret names.

Oh, that if they were ere to pass mine lips, you most assuredly would die from pure fright.

Hey, you, Sidor?

Yeah.

I painted you this picture.

That's you.

That's me.

We're holding hands.

That's the sun.

That's Arnie being eaten by gremlins, and that's blood.

Okay, that's so fun.

Yeah, it's watercolor.

So you learned all about gremlins today.

Mm-hmm.

And the terrible prophecy of gremlins devouring Arnie.

Yes.

What's this?

Oh, Arnie, like you haven't heard the prophecy of gremlins devouring you.

I haven't heard the prophecy of

sworn I mentioned this.

Yeah.

So classy.

Yeah, I came across a prophecy that said, an earthman named Arnie shall be devoured by gremlins.

Huh.

Well, that could be anybody.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Wait a minute.

Don't look.

Like, don't look, look.

But look over there.

Is that guy kind of floating off the room?

Oh, is there a magic user in the tavern?

He is sort of floating.

He might be jumping real fast.

That's my friend.

I actually brought him here today.

Umlaut, come over here, please.

Hello.

Thought he'd be a good guest.

Ah, yes, I wasn't sure even what you looked like.

I've not seen you in such a long time.

Allow me to introduce myself to the rodent and your other friend.

I am Umlaut of Kitchendor, high crag of the Scottish Archipalegians.

I am a sorcerer

with infinite

finite powers.

As you can see, I am capable of flying as high as a duck.

Oh, sorcerer.

Arnie, I think he called you a rodent.

No, I think that was you.

I think that was you.

Yeah, no, it couldn't be.

Sorcerer?

Great sorcerer?

Yes, a sorcerer.

One who sorcerers.

Oh, okay.

Huh.

Is there a difference between a sorcerer and a sorcerer?

The A sorcerer is more of a fine-tuned sorcerer.

Sorcerer.

Sorcery itself is sort of, you know, a large, bold, wide swath of sleight of hand to actual miracles.

Right.

Right.

And I sorry, I'm Chunt.

I am a badger right now, but I am a shapeshifter.

I have been a duck before.

You're not necessarily

floating, flying as high as a duck.

Well, a duck that's standing from the floor to the top of a duck's head is the height at which I can achieve maximum altitude.

Oh, yeah, butt-to-bill.

Yeah, button.

It comes in handy.

Yeah, butt-to-bill ducks are about, yeah, I'd say two and a half inches off the ground.

Okay, all right, yeah, that's

well, if they're lying down and their beak is pointing away from their feet, then yes, I don't know what kind of ducks that are sliding under the door stoop of your home.

Did you say your name is spelled your name is spelled C H

U N T?

Yes, that is how it's spelled, and it is.

The C H is often like the word chromatograph.

It's it's like a hard K.

Is that how you pronounce it?

Um, whoo, I really shouldn't.

I mean, some people have, and I try to correct them, but you know what?

For a new friend, go nuts.

No, I'm just wondering.

I am sort of an etymologist.

I care not how you pronounce it.

I just curious.

You know, the birth, as it were, of a word.

Yeah, um, well, yeah, it is, uh, in my instance, it is a ch sound, and I believe that my parents named me chunt because I was a changeling and I was blunt.

So, chunt is sort of a smash-up.

You weren't a changeling, that's for sure.

Yes, that makes it perfect sense to me.

Sure.

By the way, if you need to know any, did I mention that my powers are infinite in number and finite in ability?

Oh.

Oh, you alluded to it, yes.

I'd love to know more about it.

Well, I don't want to brag.

I mean, because they're infinite, if I just listed them all, you would all be dead by the time I finished.

That's true.

Not I.

I shall.

Oh, wait, no, I am mortal now.

Damn.

And I should ask,

return the favor.

I'm also a bit of an.

And

how did you get your name?

Oh, well, Umlaut, which is the Scandinavian word for sideways colon.

I was born with a sideways colon and so medically they figured out that I, in case I was in the medical books,

yes, I pooped sideways for about three years of my childhood.

Huh.

And Arnie, have we ever told you about Danavia?

No.

It's a country in the far, far northwest.

And it's you have to really watch yourself.

So they say, Scandinavia.

Watch, watch those people watch because you could get in a lot of trouble over there.

So you got to scan.

Keep your eyes open.

There's a whole song about it, Arnie, in Danavia.

I'm not going to sing it.

It's annoying.

You could, though.

I won't.

Why?

I won't.

Here, I'm drinking.

Can't sing drinking.

So, umlaut,

you have an infinite number of powers.

Yes.

They're all finite.

Yes, finite in that

I would say

people evaluate powers.

So, you know, some people can change into other animals, like sea hunt, or

you know, they can shape-shift and move and turn things into magical precious metals.

Most of my...

Okay, here's one.

I use words that I don't know the meaning of, and I know the definition of words I've never heard before.

So if you throw a word at me that I've never heard before, I can actually tell you what it means, and I will also use words and sentences that you might think aren't properly placed there.

Also,

I can answer your questions before you ask them of me.

But if I do, then you are obliged to then ask the actual question.

I see.

Wow.

Someone who changes metals, that's an outcome mist, right?

Yes, not an alchemist, which is how your parents would pronounce it.

Yes, I gotta talk to my mom and dad.

Can we try the question thing?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I guess we could.

Let's see.

Oh, I was just gonna ask, could you?

Whoa.

Albatross.

Oh, uh,

I was just going to ask, what's for supper?

Well, that's funny because I'm also a chef and I just cooked up albatross a la range, and it's uh over there under some cheesecloth on the bar.

It looks very delicious.

I rendered in gooseberry fat and uh took the teeth of a local rat that I found gnawing on my cheese larder and uh killed him and then uh made a lovely uh fricassee.

Oh, that sounds delightful.

The cheese larder?

Yes.

This alatross smells delicious.

Although, hey, there's an ancient mariner by it.

Get away.

It's not for you.

Arnie, he's 85 at most.

Ancient?

I don't know.

That mariner is ancient.

Also, how do you spell rhyme, Arnie?

Because my parents spell it maybe different how you spell it.

I can't spell anything.

And allerange?

My parents would say ola range.

Huh.

I'll take another answer for 300 almond.

I was just gonna say, I did never go to France because they use consonants for no reason whatsoever at the end of every single one of their words.

Their T's, their R's, their S's are all invisible acoustically.

Oh, did I mention I can turn fire to I can turn wood to fire, ice to water, earth to mud, and air to methane?

Air to methane, come in, methane.

Arnie, um, hey, Arnie.

Yeah, what is it, Chad?

These powers kind of suck, right?

Like, if you just leave ice out, it melts.

They're not the best.

I mean, you surround a kick this guy's ass, right?

But here, you got to keep in mind, he's working in quantity, not quality.

I invoke the right of

magic duel.

Oh.

This is a right.

Any pub, any tavern, any bar, you can invoke the power of the or the right of

magic duel, and two magical creatures have to sort of show their stuff as it were.

Oh shit.

Are you invoking the right with the sorcerer?

Yeah, so so I invoke the

right of magic duel and it will be Usidor the wizard.

Well, actually Arnie.

Arnie.

I barely know any magic.

No, Arnie, you got this, buddy.

You got this.

Arnie versus the sorcerer.

Oh, shit.

Let me say I've never lost a coin toss.

Okay, heads or tails, I'mlot tails.

It's tails.

Whoa.

Wow.

Wow.

Wait, let's do it again.

Do it again.

Justin, the best out of three.

Okay.

Tails.

I was just going to ask heads or tails.

Whoa.

Okay, it doesn't matter what the coin says.

I have to give it to Uma because that was impressive.

Okay.

So, Uma, you'll go first.

You Sidor, you're steeped in magic.

What would be like, what's like a good opening sort of gauntlet?

Like, what's a good sort of opening trick or test?

Keep in mind, I know almost no magic.

Okay.

Arnie, you're being.

s.

You are.

You goof.

You're.

Well, I would say

one of...

To give Arnie a leg up here, why don't you pull that tablecloth off of that table without knocking anything off of it?

Okay, so you both have to, at some point, pull the tablecloth off the table without knocking anything over.

Umlat, since you won the coin toss by guessing I was going to toss the coin, you can choose to go first or second.

I will go.

I will go first.

All right, all right, I've done this before, and it's quite easy when you can hover exactly one duck height above the ground.

I have much better leverage than those of you earthbound folk.

Sounds that makes sense.

He looks like what I look like in my dreams.

Okay, he's grabbing the edges, clear advantage without any thinking.

Oh, but he can't really get with his feet not touching the ground, he can't really get any sort of um any torque.

Yazzle!

Oh, whoa, whoa!

wow.

Perfect.

Very well done.

And I managed to get some of the wine from the goblet onto the duck.

Oh,

perfect.

He did the trick and he's already cooking.

Arnie, step it up.

That's impressive.

Okay.

All right.

So wait, the cloth is already off, though.

So.

Oh, I'll just magic another one on.

Erath, Truthle, Katasar, R.

There you go.

Oh, never heard a spell ended in R.

Okay, all right.

So he had such an advantage at being a duck height above the ground.

So I'll just pull this duck he prepared.

Wait, Arnie, put it on the floor.

I'll stand on it.

We're going to eat that.

All right.

And

pull the cloth.

Duck!

Whoa, he somehow ripped his own jeans off.

Arnie.

You didn't even touch the tablecloth.

You just ripped off your pants.

Okay.

Alright, so

I think I lost that round.

Nope.

It's a tie, actually.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Arnie, I think we should take a quick break while you put on a new pair of pants.

Okay.

This is embarrassing, Umlat.

I'm so sorry.

Please forgive, my friend.

I hope you can forgive us.

This is all right.

I am a man of many mediocre skills.

I am not one to judge anyone, for people have judged me my entire life.

Luckily, I will never grow old.

So.

Yes.

Well, that's good.

I'd love to hear more about not growing old right after this break.

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So, Umlaut, you mentioned that

you've been judged by people your whole life.

What led you to get into being a sorcerer?

I guess I don't know.

Like, are sorcerers made or born?

Well,

I was a sorcerer's apprentice's apprentice apprentice, and worked my way up to a sorcerer's apprentice, and then became a sorcerer, and then became a sorcerer.

I'm not good enough to be a sorcerer,

because that's

a very it's a very unique class of magic user.

It's as Umlatus mentioned, very broad, but not very deep, kind of a jack of all trades.

Yes.

If all the trades were, I don't know, like tine shoes and stuff like that.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Well, I've won a lot of money on coin tosses in my life.

Help supplement my income, as it were.

Yeah, but that streak's gotta come to an end.

I'll bet you a hundred gold coins you can't guess the flip of this coin.

Alright.

Alright.

call it tails.

How's tails?

It's always tails for some reason.

Yeah, there's a hundred gold.

Thank you.

That'll pay for the albatross.

Okay, but this streak has to come to an end.

I'll bet you another hundred gold that if we flip this coin, you can't guess it.

I'm gonna use it or no.

You got a double or nothing.

You're right, double or nothing, 200.

All right, I'm gonna flip it.

Oh, there we go.

Heads.

Heads.

It was heads.

Damn.

Please, I will give you 100 of your gold pieces back to not throw them any more money away towards me.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, you're still up 200 though.

You sort of end up spending almost all of his money every episode.

It's really

frustrating.

Well, you know, they say a fool and his money are soon parted, and I like to think that I'm getting out ahead of that by getting rid of my money before someone thinks I'm foolish.

Hmm.

Yeah, Arnie and I talked.

We think you come from money.

Sounds like preemptive penury to me.

So, Umla, when you were a sorcerer's apprentices, apprentices, apprentice,

how are the sorcerers' apprentices' apprentices?

How do they treat their apprentices?

Well,

let's just say it's not a wonderful.

It's mostly mucking stables and putting ointment on the scrotums of the equine in the barns.

Damn jealous.

So it's not all bad.

No, it's not all bad.

Yes.

Sort of highs and lows, as it were, you know, but considering I was born with a sideways sphincter, I feel like I've really made something of myself.

Oh, wow, that is impressive.

I hate to bring it up, Chunt.

I know it's not my business, it's your business, but Chunt's had a rash on his cute little heiny lately.

Is there anything you could do about that?

Well, I mean, I could always whip up a poultice.

I could perhaps use some of the rendered

rat fats that I used for the

albatross that I brought in.

We could that and uh uh some fennel, of course, uh with a uh with a little uh sprig of uh nutmeg paste.

And uh

if anyone has any um expectorated mucus from their nostrils, it would bind it would as act as a binder.

My nose is as arid as the Sahara, so I cannot uh muster up, as it were.

But if someone could hork one uh into my uh I can not only hork one, I can hork two.

i have a jar i have a whole jar upstairs if we need more oh you're a saver are you oh yeah hork oh yeah i got all sorts of crazy crap up there i wish i had the ability to save my horks and muke eye it would really make for much better poultices i always have to find some sort of unction or balm or salve and those are not always easy to find now um

i noticed you took something out of your satchel and you're smacking it or spanking it is that mint uh yes, this is a sprig of mint.

I do that to just slightly uh uh

make a sort of an antiseptic upon my fingers before I mix the POTUS, which I'm uh going to be applying.

Uh

and and and some honey.

I I'm a bit of a uh lay person, uh, apiarian, uh, a keeper of bees, as it were.

Yes, yes.

You know, bees have the sweetest vomit of all creatures on this planet.

Really?

Yes.

Wait, it's their vomit we're eating?

Yes, and the clownfish in the ocean has the treakliest, sweetest of all the biles.

Hmm.

Wow, you'd never know.

You know what that reminds me of?

Their poop.

What about poop?

Their poop, bile.

Their poop is sweet, sweet, almost as sweet as honey.

Huh.

Oh, it must be all those pies in the face.

Yes, but you have to taste it not in the ocean, because the saltiness of the ocean really cuts into the sweetness of the clownfish poop.

Sure.

Wow, I didn't know you were such an Epicurean.

Like, you are really.

Oh, yes.

Look at him go.

He's really working that.

He's basting the duck at the same time he's making the posters.

Wow.

I'm not much of an Epicurean, but I am Epicurious, so I'm really enjoying all of this.

It is quite a journey, I will say.

Do we have any?

I don't want to be greedy, but just all this spanking of mint has made me so hungry.

Are there any sides, Umla?

Well, yes, they're in my satchel that I left by the door.

I wasn't sure if I would be checked.

Uh yes, I have some uh parsnips braised with onions and leeks and uh pigeon urine.

And uh I have uh uh a bag of snails.

Uh still alive.

Do you mind if I ask, what is the flavor profile of the pigeon urine?

Well, it's not sweet like uh a clownfish poo or honey vomit, uh, but it it I would say it's somewhere between a ruda baga and cayenne pepper.

Arnie, I don't want to blow your mind right now, but you've actually had pigeon urine.

I didn't want to scare you off when I made it, so I called it squab piss, and you couldn't get enough squab piss.

Just by changing the name, you really took to it.

I'm just a big squab fan.

Now,

all this bee talk

has got me thinking.

We don't really try enough vomit.

You know, we're saying that bees have the sweetest vomit, and I don't mean to be contrarian.

But how do we know they have the sweetest vomit?

Are we trying enough vomit?

That's my new goal.

Well,

you know, I hate to be a contrarian myself, but you made a declarative statement saying, None of us try the vomit.

I have to say, oh, contrary, my friend.

I have traveled the world from pole to pole, from the equator to the cold nipples of the north and the south, and I have tasted almost every vomit, sometimes for survival, sometimes just for Epicurean curiosity.

and it's not always easy yes there will be a snow fox that leaves its cack right there after trying to eat a penguin but sometimes you have to wrestle a creature to the ground and work its epiglottis with your fingers to get at the sweet nectar of its tummy yeah so when you see an animal you're like fuck i haven't had that animal's vomit i gotta get in there Well, I don't use all the profanity that some people use.

Yeah, Awning, really, get it together.

What the fuck, dude?

Sorry, did you say fudge?

That's how his parents would say it.

Futch.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, that's what my parents did.

What the futch are you doing?

Where the futch have you been?

I pay close attention.

I'm a man for details.

I have an infinite number of days to do my infinite but finite powers.

I told you, I will never grow old.

I have a special power that I can cast

a little youth spell at the end of every day, and that youth spell allows me to be the age I was the day before.

Oh, sadly, I did not find out this power until I was fourscore and four.

Yeah, no way to figure out how much that is.

Wait, so it makes you

the age you were the day before.

So if you're going to bed at night, you wake up the same age you woke up the morning in the morning that same day.

Well, I age a day, and then it's like setting my biological clock back one day, and then I live that day.

So I'm stuck on this day.

Sadly, I did not know I had this power until, yes, the age of four score and four.

Wow, it's a real Circavian Swamp Hog's Day situation.

Aren't any of you ever told you about Circavian Swamp Hog's Day?

No.

Sounds like almost a genre unto itself.

If a Circavian Swamp Hog comes out of its swamp and eats a shadow, um

I don't know the rest of it.

Run.

If he comes out of the swamp and he eats his shadow, the ice queen arises and creates another ice age.

That's what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you don't want that.

I hate to interrupt, but a circadian swamp hogs vomit tastes like garlic.

Whoa.

Well, see, that one's got to rank pretty high.

It's still not as good as honey, but it's one of the only vomits you will ever want to put over pasta.

Okay, great.

Wait, look at that.

Uma just bent over the duck to glaze it again.

And look at the metal around his neck.

It slipped out.

Mr.

Scarf Barf, first place

well i i usually keep that tucked in i don't like to wear my achievements and accomplishments on shiny shelves or on my breastplate but yes i was mr barf scarf wow i've never met a mr barf scarf arnie mr barf scarf is like the biggest deal huh how i've never heard of it well it's an eating competition it's held annually on a little island uh connie island and um people come from all over foon to compete to see who can eat the most barf.

Jimmy Walnut was doing great for a long time, and then he finally had to pass.

Pass away?

No, he just someone gave him some food, and he's like, no, thank you.

I'll pass.

So, as a barf eating competition, I can imagine there just have to be a lot of complicating factors to a competition like that.

On a wager, as it were, a man who owed me a huge fortune from from Cointos wageries

to try and earn it back.

He asked me to enter the barf scarf or scarf or barf.

Depending on where you're from, they call it both things.

Some people put the adjective before the noun, and either way, they both can be a noun.

One is a beautiful thing to wrap around your neck when you're cold.

Anyway, I digress.

So, I only entered it once.

I don't enjoy the barf for quantity.

I enjoy the many myriad of

the the prism, as it were, of colors and flavors that come from the wild kingdom from sea to shore to sky.

You're like, this is just too much barf.

Yes.

Too much of a good thing.

Yes.

Now, see, Ani, you and Chunt have really zoned in on this barf thing.

I was really zoned in on the I can stay the same age forever thing.

That seems like super useful, and maybe we should learn that.

There's creams for that.

No?

Well, the wisdom of a wizard is always going to outdo outdo that of a mispronounced rodent.

I'm sorry, it's badger.

Hey, fudge you.

All right.

Now, now, Umlot, I understand where you're coming from, but uh I don't believe Arnie and Chunt always think of me as a wise sort of character.

Uh

they are mistaken, of course.

I'm one of the greatest and most powerful wizards in all of Foon, and someday I shall step up and I shall defeat those other wizards who have taken such a dark turn, and I shall make sure food is safe for all the little children and all of the peoples and

all shall say that Yucidor did deliver us from evil.

I'm impressed that he actually manages to keep doing that monologue when he walks off to urinate in the lava tree.

I know.

It is impressive.

Sorry, I'll be right back.

Someone walked in on him there once, and ever since then he has the monologue every time he's in the bathroom.

I think he also makes a really weird noise when he pees oh oh i guess it would be to cover it acoustically yes well believe me i've made sounds i mentioned several times my sideways sphincter yeah that's right so when you say and you know i feel like normally i would have jumped on that question immediately but i i i i'm gonna i've waited about halfway through the episode to sort of ask this the sideways sphincter it was it on the side of your body or it was it just tilted sideways in the normal spot let's just say it was sideways in

the crevasse.

Let's say you are up on a glacier, and normally where you'd put the ladder to not fall into the crevasse is going the different direction, and at a different angle.

I see.

So it's always a rim shot, basically.

So let's say if you had to do your business in an emergency out somewhere in the field, you would possibly just sort of squat,

you know, spread your legs and down everything would go.

Well, mine would not go down.

It would go more at a sort of a 40-degree angle upward into the air.

Oh, God.

Yes.

Wow.

And we should say,

just because you both have something in common, which is unique defecation, Arnie poops standing up.

I, on occasion, poop standing up.

It's just a thing.

It's just a thing of mine.

Convenience.

In case you need to break into a sprint, I guess.

Yes, it was impossible for me to aim at anything back then, you know, in my early baby years, especially when it was shooting up past behind me over my head.

Yeah, absolutely.

Can I ask, this is a weird transition, but can I ask Umlau, what are sorcerer circles, social circles like?

Well, sorcerers' circles are, well,

I think that sorcerers are like everyone else in their own way.

Some of them are bitter.

I like to describe them as holes surrounded by ass.

And then there's others who are very compelling and don't brag too much about their skills or lack thereof.

I would say

I have a very diverse set of skills, though they tend to be finite and middling, as it were.

But I don't I don't care that I'm not going to be an amazing sorcerer.

But others, you know, need to make the best out of their one thing and talk about it all the time.

That's why I wear my Barfenscarf medallion down

under my doublet.

Yeah, it doesn't define you.

It's not all who you are.

No, no.

I'm back.

You guys, you didn't hear me in there, did you?

What's this?

You didn't hear what I did in there.

Where?

Where are you?

Nothing.

Don't worry about it.

Look,

I just wondered.

I couldn't help but wonder.

You have these infinite

but yet finite skills.

Has anyone ever kidnapped your daughter?

Well, I have

three four children, actually.

Oh, okay.

Yes, parsley, sage,

rosemary, and Tim.

Well, okay.

Tim.

Tim is the last one.

Tim, yes.

How do you spell that?

T-H-Y-M-E.

Hmm.

Yeah, Tim.

Okay.

That makes sense.

Yeah, that's what my parents would say.

They'd say, you're home.

It's about Tim.

And I'd be like, what about Tim?

And you're like, your Uncle Tim, he passed away.

Oh, it's always about Tim.

Yeah.

It is about Tim.

So have any of your children ever been abducted?

I just wondered with your specific set of skills.

Oh, you mean to hostage and make me use my skills for the purpose of their nefarious needs?

Yeah, just curious.

There was a time that someone thought that I might be able to steal something for them that required someone

to not leave any footprints going across the courtyard of a palace.

And because I can, you know, hover, fly, fly, people call it hovering, but it's flying.

Sure, yeah, okay, okay, okay, man.

Whatever.

No, not you.

I'm just okay.

I am a little bitter from time to time at people judging so much.

At least you're not getting bitterer.

That's true.

You sir, I gotta say, I'm really proud of you today because typically, anytime you just say sorcerer, it comes out sorcerer

so i'm just really proud that you're not um you're looking at me like this is something you didn't know never mind joke joke day joke day

well the way i speak is perfectly clear when i say sorcerer then you know that i'm signing about a sorcerer and when you i'm talking about a sorcerer you know what i'm talking about

let's take a quick break i'm furious

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So, umlot, um, yes,

Yes.

Always the sorcerer, never the sorcerer.

Is there a way for you to sort of...

Um, how do I put this politely?

Is there a way for you to achieve sorcerer-ness?

To drop the...

To drop the Rs?

Because my powers are finite,

let's say there's just not enough special sauce.

I am sort of in the mortal realm as opposed to, you know,

half man, half god.

What are those called?

What are those called?

Oh, demigod?

Demigods.

I'm never going to be a demigod.

I'm just going to be a mortal who can, you know, fly a duck's height above

the ground, the terra firma, and all these other wonderful things.

Like I said, I can turn wood to fire.

Oh, I wanted to ask about that.

I'd love to learn how you do that.

Well, I

take a piece of wood and

write this down.

Yes, it requires several things.

I can either take it somewhere where there's already fire,

smart,

and then hold it there for a little while.

Patience is a virtue when this is because it's not instantly going to be fire.

And then fire.

And is there some sort of incantation that goes along with that, or you just hold it there?

Just patience.

It's just patience.

I can make up an incantation to impress the people around me.

Even more so if they can't see the actual fire I'm holding the stick to, like it's behind a wall.

Right.

Then it's really impressive.

So you sometimes you should impress people by doing things behind a wall.

Sometimes you need favors, and if they think you have special skills other than guessing a coin and flying, you know, a foot and a boot above the ground, then,

you know, you do it.

I live hand to mouth to vomit, you know.

That reminds me.

Uh, I'm gonna flip this coin.

Call it.

It's damn it.

There's another hundred gold.

No, you don't have to pay me.

It makes me sad to even pover someone who's a wizard.

Stop giving away your money.

It's not right.

I will have money.

The resources come to me like a river.

They start at one end, and wherever I stand, something will be scooped up into my bounty.

Whether it be a fish, whether it be a crab, whether it be a rabbit who was drowned upriver.

I will always have something.

I don't need your wizardly money.

I am a mild and humble sorcerer.

I do shadow puppets.

You do shadow puppets?

Yes, I forgot to tell you that.

I do shadow puppies.

Show, show, show, show.

Here, let me

blow out some candles.

I'll start off slow, just with one.

This one's sort of rudimentary.

If we could just

if you could turn the mirror of the little candle sconce towards my hand, and I'll hold it up toward the wall behind us.

And

this one I call

Medusa strangling a python on the back of an elephant.

Here we go.

Wow.

Whoa.

Look at that.

I know.

The fangs are very detailed, I think.

Yes, thank you.

Everyone, shut up.

We're watching Shadow Puppets.

Sorry.

I learned that when I was a sorcerer,

sorry, they were making so much noise in the bar.

It just made me angry.

Yes, I can concentrate even with the noisiest of people in the urinals.

What was that about me?

Nothing, no, no, no, no.

He wasn't.

No, no, no.

No, different, different, different urinal.

Yeah, believe me, no one has to defend themselves about alimentary sounds.

Okay.

Okay, would you like another shadow puppet?

Yes,

I feel like I lull you all into a state of narcoleptic splendor.

Maybe it's just the mead.

All right, this next one, and again, this one's sort of rudimentary.

Okay.

And umwat?

And um what?

Do the voices.

The voices.

Alright, well, okay.

I guess I mean I have to do figure out what the voice of a trebuchet sounds like.

All right.

Okay.

I will do the Etruscans moving their trebuchet up to a fiery volcano to kill the Perseus mammoths.

Here we go.

Alright.

Trebuchet.

Etruscan.

Trebuchet.

Projectile.

Elephants running down the hill.

Oh, it's incredible.

Wow.

Thank you.

Thank you.

This is more detailed and

vivacious than what you see in real life with your naked eye.

This is incredible.

Yeah, well, you know, it's one of my skills.

I have some horrible arthritis and very long fingernails, and that gives me a very huge shadow puppet vocabulary.

Oh, yeah, now that I'm looking, your hands are kind of just constantly in the shape of a trebuchet and a Medusa riding an elephant.

Yeah, Yeah, that's why I said these were the rudimentary ones.

Yeah.

Here's what this one's a little bit more difficult.

And a bunny rabbit?

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Is that the same bunny rabbit that was drowned in the river?

Drowned?

Well, I mean, I don't know.

I assume that that bunny rabbit had a horrible calamity.

He had a

ran afoul of the bunny mafia?

Well, let's just say one of his ears had been sliced and his trachea had been perforated.

And I know that

none of his actual

smaller enemies would have been able to create those kind of wounds.

Right, right, right.

Oh, it must have been a bigger enemy.

The buddy must have like dressed up as like a woman and tricked a hunter or something.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

And like,

like, move, like, used its hand under its hair to be like, la, la, la, la.

What?

Arnie, what are you talking about?

We couldn't possibly know that information.

I don't know.

Sorry about that.

Umat, should we I am so sorry this duck allerange has been or as my parents would say ola range this duck smells so good.

Do you mind if we kind of tuck in?

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Can we eat this duck right now?

Is it duck season?

There are several seasons.

Some people, if you want to argue, because it is the year of the Lapus, would say that it is rabbit season.

I'm pretty sure it's duck season.

Well, it's, you know, some people say mallard and Drake, other people say hare and jackrabbit season.

I don't know.

Some people say wabbit season.

What are you talking?

Barney, who says that?

Some people.

My parents.

Yeah, my parents do.

I never killed a wabbit.

Yes, my parents.

A sorcerer's apprentice that I worked with long ago had a bit of a cleft palate where his undertongue was attached to his uvula, and so he had a hard time saying the letter R.

And it would come out in a W.

So I can concur, and I completely sympathize with your pronunciation of Rabbit.

Wow.

And Uma, what would he call you?

Not your name, but your

sort of status, your sort of

thing.

Oh,

he was one as well.

He would call himself a saucer woo, whoa, whoa.

That's what I'm looking for.

Yes.

And before that, did we get that?

Did we get that?

Before that, I was a saucer who, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Because with each ascension towards sorcerer, you lose a wood.

Oh, I see.

Right, right.

That makes sense.

So, Uman, you said you have four kids.

Is there a special someone in your life?

Like, do you have a, I don't know, like, a wife?

Or

I do.

I do.

My wife also, well, she has true magic powers.

My wife is an actual card-carrying witch.

They're forced in our region to carry a card.

Not that she wants to, but, you know, you have to show your card, witch card, if you're asked for it.

And yes, and she has many powers.

Many powers.

I'm not jealous because I get to take advantage of being married to a witch.

What are some of your wife's powers?

Well, she has the power to ruin a man's life.

That is one of them.

And she often does.

And luckily, I am not that man.

She is very sweet to me, but she has ruined the lives of many men who

cast aspersions upon her or insinuated that she was in fact flammable,

and so on and so on.

Well, good for her then.

If they assume she's flammable or in some other way try to disrespect her, she has every right to fight back.

How dare they make her carry a card?

Why can't she just be like all the rest of us?

I shall go forth, and I shall fight for witches' rights from this

room again.

I think

he's off to the lav.

I've heard it before when he goes to the bathroom.

His peace screams.

That's all it is.

Huh?

It's like this.

Screaming, yes, he is.

That's all it is.

But don't tell him I told you.

If that's witch, don't tell him.

Like I said, I never judge anyone with any type of dysfunction of their alimentary canals.

When I was a child, my sphincter whistled like a balloon being pinched with a lot of air coming out.

But I heard him once, and I came running in, and I was like, what's going on?

I thought he was like passing a stone,

but it was his, it was his P.

But yeah.

Arnie, what is what's your weird, what's your weird piccadillo?

We all have weird penis or piss or butt piccadillos.

We all, when we go number one or number two or number three through eight, we all have little piccadillos.

What's yours?

I don't mean my digestive system isn't great.

I don't know.

I don't like any interesting versions of it.

But just not the best.

Just a mess all the time.

I'm a little confused.

May I interject?

Is a piccadillo

is that a cross between a piccador at a bullfight in Spain and an armadillo?

Yeah, you know him?

I was just curious.

The etymologist in me, Katie.

Flying out.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it is a portmanteau, or as my parents say, a portmanteau.

But yeah, every, you know, armadillos are one of the most promiscuous animals, so they breed non-stop with, and they're creating all kinds of different, you know,

all kinds of different sort of concoctions.

There's new species made every day because these armadillos can't stop fucking.

And their vomit tastes like fennel and orange rind.

Ooh, I would say star anesthe, but I think we're saying the same thing.

I think I have turned someone into a bit of a vomit epicure.

I guess so.

I heard fennel is good for saltburn.

And sorry, I say star anese.

My parents say starinas, but um.

You say potato.

I say staranus.

Well, umlot, um,

now would we be able to taste the duck?

I mean, it's just

so.

Yes,

you've been so fixated on the duck since I was working on that during the magic of the pulling the tablecloth that we've completely completely neglected the albatross that I prepared, and it's probably too cold to really.

It's such a tough, gamey bird that if you don't eat it hot out of the kiln, it's

not gonna cook well, cut well.

Nerts.

Well, it looked at, I mean, at some point when you first started cooking, it looked

so tender, like the bones were literally falling off the meat.

Yes, yes, I like to put the bones on the outside of the carcass once I serve it, so that the bones can, in fact, fall off the meat.

Because it seems too confusing if the meat falls off the bones.

Which is, it's uh, it's an old French technique I learned when I was uh uh in France

working under the great sorcerer

Jean-Claude Pierre Lou Jean-Jean-Paire.

Oh,

that's very impressive.

Yes, uh, I'm gonna write this down in case I ever meet him and study under him.

Could you that name one more time?

Jean-Claude Lou Jean-Jacques Lou Bater.

I say it different every time because he doesn't want anyone to actually know his name perfectly.

It's a bit of a mystery.

It's like one of those little puzzles where you turn the rings and the symbols will open at the Egyptians.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, well, it's like

it's sort of like my friend Jenny Sequa.

She just has a little something to her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Arnie, have I introduced you to Jenny Sequois?

I don't think think so.

She's just

a little bundle of joy.

She's a baby, but she's a talking baby.

There's a difference.

Yeah, yeah.

Look who's talking.

May I ask what it is about her that you like so much?

It's so, I feel like it's lost in translation.

I feel like there's just something.

This sort of like air about her.

It's almost like her personality is hovering two inches off the floor.

No offense, but it's just like she sort of glows and she just, you know, she finds everyone so interesting, and that's interesting to me.

So,

maybe the magic is in your inability to verbalize what it is about her that you find so alluring.

No, I think it's her, I think it's something in her bones or blood.

I know it's lost in translation, but last time you visited her,

I heard you whispered something in her ear.

Not my

not gonna tell you, hmm, I'm not gonna tell you, okay,

umlot.

Uh, our time is drawing to a close, but but I must know: can you share the spell that keeps you young every day?

Well, it's it's it's not that there's anything magical, it it's not uh redeemable, as it were.

If I gave you the words, the incantation, it would not be something transferable onto you with your abilities.

It's in my finite powers.

I mean, had I learned about this when I was in my 20s, I would have started then, and I would have been much younger than I am now, being four score four.

I mean, come on.

Well,

I don't blame you.

I'm 350 years old, so I know where you're coming from.

Now, I have to ask,

do you think I got a shot?

Do you think if I just, like, if I got to the end of the day and about to go to bed, and I just sort of like gave myself a plucky smile and thought,

you're just as young as you feel.

Well, I would think you being an actual wizard,

I'm happy to give you the words,

because

if anyone can turn magic into magic that's micro-magic and not so impressive, and make it something special, I would think that you, a wizard, could.

I feel like I'm talking to a master chef and I'm just giving you the ingredients for gruel, but here we go.

If you want them, I'm happy to pass them on.

I mean, you never know.

I'm always learning.

I'm always growing.

I'm not finished.

I'm still on the journey of my life.

So, if I can learn something from you, what a wonderful gift.

I will say it.

I have noticed, you Sidor, in the last half year or so, every day you've looked much worse.

What?

Than the day before.

You think I'm aging rapidly now?

I don't know if it's aging or what, but just there's something.

Every day I'm like, what happened to him today?

Shunt,

are you agreeing with this?

I understand getting defensive.

You have varicose veins in your neck.

I mean, it's bad.

Well, you know, it's been a stressful time.

Sure.

There's an animal war and there's a wizard war and

who were it best?

Boy.

I hear what you're saying.

And

Umlot,

I beseech thee.

I need your magic.

Please share this wisdom with me, and I shall do my best to incorporate it into my known life.

It's a simple three-word Latin incantation.

Latin seems to work really great.

I don't know why.

It's simple.

It's Carpe Faucium Lepus.

Carpe

Faucium

Lesos.

Lepus.

Lepus.

Carpium.

Carpe.

Carpe.

Do you need to write this down?

Let me write it down.

Let me write it down.

Maybe get some charcoal and tattoo it into your forearm, perhaps.

Maybe, like, phonetically, like, use a

can you say it phonetically?

Harpe.

Halibut.

Have you ever learned, you sidor, have you ever learned a spell before?

Why is it so hard for you?

What are you talking about?

I've heard thousands of spells.

I know.

They always sound fucking military comments.

Have you been saying?

Have you been giving me these spells correctly?

Of course, I'm saying them correctly.

I know all of my magic spells.

What's the one that you just learned?

What is the one you just learned?

It started with...

Umla, thank you so much for being here today.

You have been just so humble, so gracious, such a wonderful sorcerer, and dare I say,

maybe the best magic user I've ever met.

And as a gift,

as a gift from us to you,

Arnie, can you hand me that pouch over there?

Sure, yeah.

This one.

Excuse me.

And Arnie, can you

say something like silly or dumb?

Just anything.

Just like knock, knock.

Like one of your jokes you do.

Oh, sure.

Knock, knock.

Here, Arnie, why don't you add to it?

Oh, um, well, why don't you say something, Chuck?

Um.

Why don't you say something channel?

Here, you sitar.

Uh, what should I say to make myself throw him?

Um he's he's gonna make himself he didn't or just think about when I say who wore it best.

That seemed to really upset you.

There you go.

And ah, title written on it.

Umlat, this is our gift to you.

A satchel, a boolea base of different stomach bile from a badger, a wizard, and a time traveler.

I'm going to save this.

I don't know when or where I shall open this up like a fine chablis that has been aged in a cask in the bottom of the ocean in a pirate ship that was attacked by a kraken.

But someday I shall taste and savor this and think of you three, and think of what a fine evening this was in this inn, this tavern, speaking so much about our

effluvium and biles.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was a good conversation.

Since your feet don't touch the ground, and I haven't really seen you propel yourself, do you need me to give you like a little shove, like to get some momentum?

You weren't paying attention.

I have touched the ground.

I'm not in perpetual hoveration.

Oh, sorry.

Yes.

No, that's all right.

It's hard for you to see the floor from your booster chair.

So I understand

that's a bad angle with these wide tables.

But yes,

I do move so lithily that it looks as if I'm on casters or perhaps hovering at all times.

Part of the sorcerer

was taking ballet classes.

So I have a very good core.

Wow.

But yes.

You surrender you ever take ballet for your magic?

Yeah, you've got to be lithe if you want to cast spells.

You've got to be able to move.

Didn't really answer my question.

Carpe faucium lepus.

Carpe faucium lepus.

Okay,

he's not gonna get it.

I got it.

Okay, he gets one day.

He'll get one day.

He's not gonna remember that.

Tomorrow you will wake up and feel as young as the day before.

Great.

And forever after, if it works.

Carp.

Yeah, I lost it.

Yeah, no.

Oh, sunsetting.

He's sunsetting.

Maybe if you translate, it translates to seize the rabbit's throat.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I can remember that for sure.

I know, I know what you're thinking, but this really is unscripted.

I'll give you a moment to collect your jaw from the floor.

Usero the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Shant the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raphai.

Umlaut the Sorcerer, Er, was played by special guest Brad Sherwood from Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

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I could go for a bowl of Courtney brand lobster bisque.

Stefano Bolticiano, Josh Hewitt, and Brandt Dudziak.

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To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

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This episode, stitched together from various scraps and disconnected scenes, I'm Looking at You, Rogue One, by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

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