Season 5, Ep 30 - Jackalope (w/ Whitney Chitwood)

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

What a performance by Team California.

The power is ours.

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And if you're like me, you barely have time to listen to it.

As you switch out your summer wardrobe of loose-fitting, breathable silk cloaks for your lineup of faux fur-lined, button-and-buckle-covered steampunk winter cloaks.

But listen to it, you will, because it's not easy to walk away from things you've sunken so much time into.

And that's why there's nine seasons of the Flash.

Now, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern The Wanderlost in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, and here, I'm going to try something different by my two co-hosts, Jutton Usidor.

I am Usidor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of Lycan Shadow, manipulated.

That's me, like the bowels.

Devourer of chaos, champion of the great balls of Trucus, the elves, no beasts fighting yet.

The dwarves, no beauty,

sanguis.

And I I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Mae Star, and there may be other secret names.

Names that are so powerful that if I did dare you should be able to talk over it, but it's hard not to assuredly all of your pores would open up, and then it's like I'm not listening to it, but I can't

make white noise at this point.

Tighter and tighter your paws will get

tighter.

Every time you start a sentence with that,

My butthole has been getting

tighter the last hour.

Yep, my butthole's been getting tighter the last hour or so, and you know what that means?

Well,

storm's coming.

Oh, honestly.

I have more follow-up questions than I probably should.

And I'm sorry, Yusuf.

We'll get to whatever you wanted to talk about.

Your butthole's been getting tighter over the last hour.

Is it consistently?

Is it a kind of like you.

Do you want to know the consistency of my bottle?

Not consistently, like, but the consistency of the tightening.

I guess,

does it tighten at a steady rate?

This is turning into a math problem.

I'd say it's like two tightens inward, one tighten out.

Okay.

Yeah.

Hmm.

So it's sort of an attack on Titan.

You know what?

Yeah, I would say that, Artie.

Yeah, I have no follow-up things about that.

I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Sure.

No, neither do I.

But I appreciate something when I hear it.

Hope you guys don't mind that I brought a little rocking chair to the the table today.

Sure.

Yep, storm's coming.

You're so folksy.

And I'm sorry, Usidora.

You can unpause.

Okay.

All right.

You see, Chunt Sphincter is very sensitive to the weather.

And at certain moments, when a storm rolls in, he feels the need to pull out a rocking chair, for

it tightens, and it's not very comfortable for his little hygiene.

Look, look at how cute Chunt is.

Look at this little bit.

Let Let me fan myself with this hat and dump out my corncob pipe.

Is that what you call your other butthole?

Yes.

Gotta dump that.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of corn there.

Sturms, Kerman.

You do have a bad colour.

Can you believe we've been doing this for nine years?

I cannot.

Nine and a half years.

And the flow up top is impeccable.

Yes.

Sturms, Kerman.

Flow up top.

Sturms, Kermit.

I like how you're somehow both old and from South Park at the same time.

Well.

What park that's south of here?

What do you speak of?

Earth people are loving it.

Probably still.

Maybe.

I don't know.

Maybe a couple times a year.

You Sidor, should we be worried about how folks each is getting?

Should I be worried?

Should we be worried?

Do you think he's stepping on my

thing?

Yeah.

Because I'm so wonderful and folksy and beloved by all who hear my simple wizardly ways.

Arnie, you're looking a little pale.

Have you been taking cragnesium?

I feel like you need a little bit more cragnesium in your diet.

What's cragnesium?

Well,

what you want to do is you want to head out of here, take

a left, go 20 feet, take a right.

You're going to go about 400 yards.

You're going to hit the old Williams house.

You're going to knock on the door, ask them for further directions.

Once they give you further directions, you're going to follow them to a T.

They're going to lead you to the grow crag where the crags grow, and then you're going to get some Kragnesium.

Yeah, I think I figured out how to be folks the other chunt.

I'll just say well bigger.

Well, well,

well,

well,

well, well,

I should get going.

Storm's coming.

You both look like you're about to pass out.

Yeah, I got a little eye-head.

Hey, Arnie.

Yeah.

My lungs are not meant for a well that big.

I feel like Yusu is really trying to outwell me.

Yeah, he's not a bottomless well.

Yeah.

Oh, I should mention, Arnie.

I sent away, of course, I've been writing some letters these days, and I sent away to see if we could encourage someone from

outside this region to come guest on the podcast.

And someone replied, We've been

replied to your correspondence.

Yeah,

well,

well,

well,

well,

wait, is that oh, I think they're here.

Oh,

yeah,

please come on to the table.

Sit to the table with us.

Follow the rocking chair.

Please, pull up a chair.

Can you help me?

Can I get a hand?

Hey, can I get a hand?

Hey, beard, beard, hey, beard.

Help me.

Come on up.

I have a beard, too, but I don't think.

Well,

but I have to be

a storm's coming.

I have fur on my face.

Yeah,

storm's coming.

Storm's coming.

I can see how tight your butthole is, Sir Badger.

Thank you.

Put that away.

We have a guest.

Hey, listen, I'm just trying to.

It's like having a clock on the wall, right?

Yeah, you can tell it's like a barometer.

It's like a butt barometer.

Yeah.

I'm helping you out, Arnie.

Take the weather vein out of it at the very least.

No, that's that weather vein.

It runs through my butthole up

into my lungs.

Why don't you try taking out your veins?

Yeah, take out your veins, idiots.

Take out your veins, human.

No, fair, fair enough, fair enough.

I just want to make sure you're not going to die.

Please, friend, what is your name?

And Grammar C's, and welcome.

Yeah,

Grammar Tease to you, too.

My name's Ricky Springfoot.

Yeah,

I heard I got a missive, as it were, from our friend Chunt over here, and invited me to come in.

And I heard there were rocking chairs about, so I figured I'd come say how to do.

So,

how to do.

How to do

and to you, too.

We're so glad you could join us today.

I can't help.

You must understand, Arnie here, the human.

Yeah, that's me.

He's from another world.

Sure.

Oh,

and

that makes sense.

That tracks, that outfit really,

really tells another world story.

It's really a human outfit on my world.

Is it who is the Smiths?

Is that what that says?

That t-shirt?

I got a new t-shirt from my world.

It's the Smiths.

I feel like the lead singer of the Smiths is there's nothing

in the time I've been gone, I'm sure he's been fully above board and nothing problematic about him at all.

Michael Smith, right?

That's the same thing.

Yeah, Michael Smith.

What Arnie does is he sends this audio back to Earth so they can only hear us.

They can't see us.

And I can't help but notice, and I would like our listeners to know that you're a jackalope.

Yeah, sure.

Jackalope, Jackalope by genus, you might say.

I am

about three feet tall from tail to tip of antler.

As you might notice, I do have a pair of freshly polished antlers that

I am mighty proud of.

They don't look too bad.

I'll say that much right now.

They look very attractive, but I didn't want to be like, hey, I'm looking at your antlers.

You know what I mean?

Sure, and I appreciate that.

And I think most jackalope folk will appreciate it.

It's just, one would hope that it would go unsaid sure you know and but given the for what did you say this gets sent out i don't fully understand it i think he puts all the sound in a bottle and then he throws it into an ocean and that ocean somehow connects back to earth sort of you start you story yes what careful because i feel like anytime you say something in a bottle to arnie he always says eo

Why didn't he do it that time?

He always does that.

I don't know.

And then sometimes he'll say, A, Eo, I, sometimes you why it's a whole i don't know what he says it's a whole thing

your antlers uh let's all aren't you let's all enjoy uh well they got everybody look at them now now now i'm bullish what are those uh those are uh a two liter is that a 348 antler yeah it's a three

that's actually right you got it right sean it's a 348 antler 16.9 by 12 and uh

I've finally grown into them.

It feels real nice.

It feels real nice to have gotten them all polished up.

You know, it's only once in a jackalope's life that we get our antlers all polished up, right?

And if you're proper sparkling, Ricky, it is only once in a life when a jackalope gets their antlers all sparkled up.

And I believe it's on the eve of your wedding day, is it not?

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah,

uh, it is.

It is my

bonding ceremony, Eve.

Well, congratulations to you then.

Ah, yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you.

Who's the lucky so much?

guy?

Who's the lucky

other jackalope, other creature, human,

mythical creature?

It could also be like a

random concept or a

Ani, you sound like an idiot right now.

Yeah, Ricky, are you wetting the concept of laughter or laughter?

I did date the idea of a nightmare for

three weeks, but.

Haven't we all?

Well.

That's right.

Pound it.

My gal is her name, her name's Linda.

You might describe her as

a turtle folk.

I would just call her my sweetie pie sweetheart, and I never love nobody anymore than I do love my Linda.

And yeah, we're getting married.

I can't help but notice just the slightest bit of hesitation and

a kind of a blank stare of fear in your eyes.

Can you no, no,

no, yeah, I'm not sure if that was just like a jackalope thing, if that's just like a normal jackalophone?

Arnie, you sound like an idiot right now.

That's the brutest thing you've ever said.

Really?

Well, now I will give credit.

I will give credit to Arnie.

Uh, it is, it does.

I mean, well, looks like a storm's coming.

And I, if you don't know this about jackalopes, we uh we only fornicate during lightning storms, so

not

for nothing.

I'm feeling real riled up, y'all.

Is that why you never come twice?

That's understandable if

that's your sort of

time

to

engage in those sorts of physical activities.

Would it be understandable that you'd be a little bit riled up?

I mean,

here on the show, Chunt's usually riled up.

Ani,

yeah, he's usually riled up.

Sure.

Me, I'm riled up, I'd say

only 80 to 95% of the time.

like ever, like all 80 percent of the always time, or just on the show, only 80 to 95 percent of the time that you're on the show, right?

Yes, just during the actual recording of the show, I'd say I'm only sexually aroused 80 to 95 percent of the time.

Oh, what a shame, what a shame.

Well,

we should go ahead and mosey on over to our first break.

Uh, storm's Kerman, storm's coming, that storm is coming.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Well,

well, well, well,

well,

well,

well, looks like you sort of practicing as well.

No, you're doing great.

Give us one more.

Give us one more.

It's adorable.

Okay.

Okay.

Well.

Ooh.

All right.

Now you just sound like

you eat fancy pies.

You can't do it like that.

You sort of felt like you started to say well, but got like yanked backwards.

Yeah, exactly.

Like

a wedgie or something.

You were wedgied halfway through.

Well,

now that one sounds like you're under working cleanup.

Okay, I seem to be getting worse.

So, Ricky, you're Jackalope.

How did you get involved with a turtle folk?

Well, so

I met her at work.

What do you do, if you don't mind me asking?

Well, I am,

some might call, some might call a bit of a hired hand in some respects.

I do like perchance, perhaps, one might, like, let's say

someone did come in and give you Sador that wedgie.

I imagine that that might make him rather mad.

Or a rash, but yeah.

Well, it is, depends on if it falls between the five or ten percent, of course.

But should it make him mad, then he might call on me and say, hey, I'm real mad at this underpants thief.

Will you go teach him a lesson?

And I go teach him a lesson in my

own way.

You might notice that

I i got a pair of quick quick hands

you might could see in fact here look look over watch that watch that glass over there on the bar you ready okay okay which one the bar is there's so many

glasses

that there are less of in this bar

wait hold on 37 now there's 30 hold on 22 wait 17

5

4 3 2 1 what's happening to all the glasses

yep

i'm I'm a sharpshooter, you might say.

A sharpshooter with magic can make

anything you don't want there.

Get going.

Wow.

Well,

now we can't serve any more drinks, so that's a problem, but I am impressed.

Fair.

Fair point.

I imagine I can use my great magical powers to reconstitute these glasses.

Erottarol, Karottara,

Hara Hada.

Okay, I made one big glass.

So everyone has to share tonight.

Can I lap it up?

We can all jump on the rim and give a little lap.

You look pretty nice.

That's funny.

I'll see if I can find some straws, too.

I'll be right back.

Speaking of watering hole, I just shift emergency there.

Yeah, I was gonna.

I was gonna suggest we find a way to tighten that rim.

A specific rim?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Specific rim, too?

Oh, my rim.

Specifically, my rim.

I see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well,

so you, so you're some sort of like uh hired, I don't know, like uh you bring frontier justice to people, it sounds like.

Yeah, it's I would say it's like it's middle tier.

I don't know that it'd be frontier, but I think that it's good enough justice.

And I met my Linda when I was called in by her father, actually.

Oh, meant to kill her?

Her papa.

Not to kill her.

No.

No, she just happened to be there.

I was called in to kill,

not kill,

make

disappear, perhaps one might say.

Make

usher onto a separate plane

against their will.

I was brought in.

There were some debts that needed to be settled, gambling, to be specific.

And I went in for the first time to meet with her papa.

And I tell you, she was sitting right there in the corner.

And I couldn't take my eyes away from her.

And we're but another 40 years, and now we're going to be getting

pitched

tomorrow.

40 years.

40-year courtship?

Yeah, it's a turtle personarney.

Oh, no, you're right.

It's about 38.

Yeah, which is pretty, honestly, pretty short when you think about it.

I mean, she's going to live so long.

And I, you know, I've been, I've been kicking around for a while.

I ain't a young spring rabbit or anything anymore.

And any of y'all got, you got others?

Any of y'all got others or anything?

We have each other.

We've all loved and lost in our own ways, I guess.

You know, but you know, hope always springs eternal.

Although, I've got to say, it's got to be difficult having two vastly different metabolisms in a relationship.

It is, yeah.

She's a predominant predominantly eats one leaf of the salad when I eat 94 pounds of it.

So

it's hard, but you know, I'm working.

And

any of y'all been married before or hitched up, y'all?

Y'all?

Y'all y'all before?

I've never been married.

I was in a long-term on-again, off-again thing with Ginlivia the Red.

And,

you know, then, of course,

I fell in love recently,

you know, with recently?

Yes, uh with the princess it was very tumultuous and very dramatic very sexually charged

very confusing to me it happened within the course of a single episode of this show yeah um and uh

i don't even

remember her name

well not in a bad way it just it happened so fucking fast it was so charged there was so much passion

that you couldn't even, you couldn't even think to remember her name afterwards because all the passion sucked it right out of you.

Was it Jenny?

Probably.

Probably.

I was married.

It's complicated.

I don't want to talk about Earth stuff.

And also, one of us maybe was magically made to forget that they ever got married.

So we probably shouldn't dealt with.

Isidore.

Oh, yeah.

Isidore.

Yeah, it must have been me.

Idiot.

Good cover, Arnie.

Well, it's just, you know, well, then you, then, then, I mean, maybe you know a little bit.

I don't know, I don't know nothing about, you know, a 40-minute love affair, but

it's intimidating.

It's intimidating to throw, you know, a big old party when you got your whole family coming.

I mean,

I have,

I got, I think like 235 siblings right now.

So,

I mean, that's so many mason jars on so many tables.

Name one.

Name one mason jar?

Okay, his name's Frank.

Huh.

Weird name for a mason jar.

That's a weird name for a mason jar.

I mean, look at it.

I mean,

I'll be frank with you.

I think it's the best-looking one, and that's why I brought it here.

Do you know?

I would say, like, Perry is more of a mason jar name.

Perry is a good mason jar name.

You ain't wrong there.

Perry

jar.

So you're worried about your family getting along with Linda's family, it sounds like.

Yeah, a little bit of that.

Like, I don't know.

I mean,

mine are a mile a minute.

You know what I'm, you know, what I'm, you know what I'm talking about?

They're a mile a minute, and what they all have shit to say, they're always talking, they won't quit talking.

And then, you know, Linda's family isn't all.

I mean, I worked for her father, and he's not completely on the up and up.

So, you know, I don't know if any of my, if any of my siblings, you know what?

Here, I'll, just so you know, for fun, I'll name one of them.

Uh, Floppy Tail.

Floppy Tail, if Floppy Tail go run in their mouth.

I don't know.

Floppy Tail seems like it'd be a better mason jar name.

It's a bad name for a sibling.

Well,

I didn't name them.

Of course, of course, yeah.

You know, you can't choose, you can pick your nose.

What's that thing that sometimes people say?

You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

I think it's you should pick your nose.

You can murder your friends if they pick their nose.

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends?

That's it.

That's the one.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I think it's sleep with a frontal lobotomy, marry

your friend's nose, and

kill.

No, that's not right.

That ain't right.

Kill for me.

It was so close.

It was so close, though.

Instead of a rose on my piano, I'd rather have tulips on my organ.

All right.

All right.

Everybody knows that rose is the sex flower.

I can't believe you'd say something like that when there's this latin storm going on and he got me all hot and bothered already.

My God.

You know, it reminds me.

We've never had Rose the Sex Flower on the show.

We've had Flower the Talking Flower, but Rose the Sex Flower.

Arnie, we can't have two flowers on.

I suppose that's fair.

She costs a lot.

She charges about, I think, the sniff, and it's a handsome price.

Oh, and once you sniff.

Dot dot dot.

Yes?

Dot dot dot.

Arnie dot dot dot.

Mama Mia.

If I could ask y'all for any advice while I'm here or anything I guess my biggest question would be what do I do if there isn't a lightning storm tomorrow night oh

I'd like to preface my an well well

I'd like to preface my answer with this I love giving advice and historically I'm great at it if there's no lightning storm tomorrow night all you need to do is take this magical gem

Swisper into the gem and say wait what did you just say whisper into the gem No, you said swisper.

Swisper.

I didn't say swisper.

You said that's not even a word.

What?

You can't even remember your wife.

It's not a word.

That's why we're so fucking confused.

That's not what I said.

We all heard Swisper, right?

That's the most important thing.

Take the magical gem.

Whisper

into the magical gem.

Say, Yusador,

I need a thunderstorm right now, and I shall conjure one out of the sky.

You can do that?

Sure, no problem.

It's my wedding gift to you.

Usator.

Yeah, he kind of makes minuscule lightning on the daily.

Oh, yes, that's one of my favorites.

Minuscule lightning!

Oh, my fingers.

Sorry.

Sorry, I was just trying to charge up Barnie's laptop.

Sorry, I didn't mean to hit you.

Are you okay, Ricky?

Yeah, I'm alright.

I mean, my fur's real stood up, but that ain't nothing at all, you know?

I'm glad you're fine.

Oh, Ricky, you're so fine.

Hey, Ricky.

Hey, hey, hey, Ricky.

Well,

Usinor, can you make the gem smaller?

Like, almost the size of a button or a pill, and so Ricky doesn't get confused about who they're contacting, maybe make it blue.

It is pretty big.

It's pretty heavy.

Right, right.

I'm not one of them.

I'm not, I mean, it's a beautiful gift.

It's okay.

It's alright.

I can make it smaller.

That's fine.

It's not a big deal.

you want me to kind of give Ricky a blue pill here yeah just a little blue pill

okay

all right

give you a jagged little pill

uh yeah that's ironic yeah you ought to know

all right I'll make it smaller

that fixes my that fixes my problem all right well no I'm well I mean but hey I'm so sorry I do I know we got right to the solution but I actually do want to understand the problem a little more so jackalopes can only have sex during a lightning storm?

Over the years, over the generations of jackalopes, there's not any like, there's no family remedies where you need like to get aroused some other way?

Well, I mean, all right, there's three things that I think everyone knows about jackalopes.

We love to drink dishes of whiskey.

One.

We can catch a speeding bullet in our teeth.

Two.

And

We're dry as a bone if there ain't no lightning storm.

Dry as a bone.

Three.

Those are the three things that I think everyone knows.

I mean, I spend most of my time with jackalope and turtle folks, so I don't know if maybe it's not known, but it's a long-standing tradition, and

I don't know.

I mean, my parents, my parents are always, you know, lightning storm frisky, and their parents were lightning storm frisky, but you have a you have a lot of siblings, so so many.

We do live in a humid climate, so right.

Have you considered going on a trip for your honeymoon?

Wait a minute.

We could go.

What if we went to the top of a mountain?

The top of a mountain that's got roiling lava and fire within it.

Maybe, maybe it's owned by a dark lord or wizard.

I don't know.

I'm not.

Listen,

I'm just going to pay my money to go to the spa area.

But usually up on top of them, there's lots of lightning, right?

I suppose that's true.

Sort of evil warlords and dark mages, they love the drama of a thunderstorm.

Sure.

And, you know, sometimes it's just the crackle of evil magic, which isn't necessarily lightning.

It's just, you know,

particles in the air, sort of charged.

But I can't take my Linda to any top of a dangerous mountain.

What about Big Thunder Mountain?

I don't know if they have lightning there, but they definitely have thunder.

But it's really big.

Yeah, that might work.

That might be great because it'd be thunder and it would feel like it.

And I'm sure I'd get a rush from just being up there.

Maybe, I don't know.

I mean, it sounds at most mountains got like mine cars going through them that used to get mined out.

So maybe there'll be a mine car I can jump on.

I don't know.

Maybe there'll be a log that

goes down like a water flume or something.

Well, that might be pretty much.

I can't go to Splash Mountain.

That's a different mountain.

Don't they offer a hopper if you're going to hop?

Am I thinking of something else i think if you want to get to big thunder mountain you have to follow the six flags up the mountain or am i thinking of something else no maybe you are maybe and you can especially if you take someone like rose up there you can do a fast pass yes you'll want that you know she's uh you know sexually experienced so she's um you know she she she'll might fast pass you yeah explain explain it further no go into more more details i i don't know that i get it well a fast pass would just be you know if if both of you are um in the mood and you know what you want, that you don't have to hem and haw and do the sort of awe shucks.

You can sort of make a pass.

Okay, I'm exhausted.

This entire time, I've been shrinking this gem down,

and now it's very, very small.

And we should take a quick break, but then right after the break, I'll read you all the fine print about how this gem works.

Nothing can go wrong.

And the important thing to remember about the gem is that

you just whisper into it, and then I'll conjure a lightning storm.

Unless I'm busy that night, then you can just leave a message on the gem, and I'll conjure that thunderstorm just as soon as I can.

Unless I'm in another dimension, in which case, the faceted aspect of the gem will send the message into a thousand universes, and I may misinterpret it, and I may end up transporting you to another realm.

Okay.

So, whisper at your own risk.

Yeah.

No, I think this is a wonderful gift.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It also might cause diarrhea.

It also might cause diarrhea.

I forgot that one.

This is all because I shrunk it.

If we'd left it full size, none of this stuff would have happened.

And of course, Ricky, the three of us will turn around so you can name it or whatever.

It seems like

you like to name things.

Oh, I should.

I should name it.

Yeah, you're right.

If you don't mind, yeah, please.

And if you don't mind, before we turn around, just, I don't know, just make it like a good name.

Like, make it a fitting name for a gem.

I've said too much.

Yeah, a fitting name for a.

Yeah, all right.

Okay, okay, all right.

No, no, no, I got it.

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Don't look at me.

Here we go.

All right, okay.

I wouldn't, I'm this jet.

Wait, should I declare it?

Do I need to declare it?

Use the door.

Don't turn around.

Just tell me.

Do I need to decide?

I love declaring things.

Go for it.

Okay, very well.

All right.

I declare this gem

Jim.

No.

Oh, shit.

Jim Jem Arnie, are you hearing this?

Jim Jim?

Jim Jem?

I don't know.

Jim Jem.

Actually?

I kind of like it.

Well?

I declare.

I well,

I declare this gem

in the holograms.

Wow.

That's truly outrageous.

Truly truly

outrageous.

Yeah.

Did I do it right?

You did great.

Are you proud of me?

Will you always love me and never leave me?

I, yeah, I just met you tonight, but I have always loved you.

Oh, I think she's talking to the gym.

Sorry.

No, no, no, no.

It's not.

It's not.

It's not you.

It's just scary.

Y'all, you know, putting your faith in someone and whatnot.

And I ain't much of a faithful

person.

You know, lightning storms are pretty frequent.

But

if I love her, that should be enough, right?

Yeah.

No, that, no, it's not.

That's not enough.

I should buy her something.

What if I got her a bunch of...

She really wants fairy lights for the wedding.

So maybe tonight I'll go out and trade this chip.

Maybe I'll go out tonight and I'll find some fairies to do lights.

Then she'll love me, right?

Well, I don't know if it's about a gift or material things as much as it is just listening and being there for that other person.

And then when that lightning

storm comes, transform yourself using your great wizardly powers into a gigantic birthday cake.

And then your lover will transform themselves into a finely roasted goose and then the two of you shall make love all night long right honey sure

i'd say just grab the fairy lights um

do y'all do y'all know where some good fairies are

uh

i had a running with a bad fairy recently and i i need to find a good fairy to deal with some lights

um you weren't like cursed or anything were you no no uh she was trying to get my fingernails but go ahead Hmm.

It's dangerous.

Yeah, it's hard.

Yeah, that sounds scary.

You know, it's times of war.

Yeah, it's times are tough.

I suppose I could contact Glisbo for you.

Glisbo?

Glisbo, the good fairy?

I'm not familiar with Glisbo.

What is I haven't introduced you guys to Glisbo before?

Describe Glisbo.

Oh, yeah, Glisbo.

Yeah, sorry.

What?

Sorry.

Yeah, Glisbo.

You talk about Glisbo all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course I do.

That's right.

We have that unreleased episode for the Patreon where you just talk about Glisbo for 45 minutes straight.

Nobody else is in the middle of it.

I just talk about it.

Well, you talk, honestly, you talk for 30 to 40 minutes and you just say Glisbo knows, and then you just go on a litany of what Glisbo knows.

Yeah.

Name three of them.

What does Glisbo know?

Glisbo knows

football.

Glisbo knows American or

Funian.

Yeah.

Or Funian, yeah.

American Orfunian.

Yeah,

I suppose American can.

A merman can.

American can.

Arnie, is this true?

I don't know what an American can would look like.

Is there a can in America?

Probably.

Or maybe?

Is there a can in America?

Oh, that reminds me.

If everyone could just be quiet for a moment, I need to record something something that I forgot to do earlier in the episode.

Eo!

Sorry, I knew it.

This has been weighing on me all episode.

Just had to record a sting.

Well, Glisbo is a very talented little fairy.

She

yeah, you're on two now.

Oh, well, I guess that is too talented.

Yeah, sure.

Glisbo knows cognitive behavioral therapy.

So, you know,

Glisbo's really the person you want to talk to, I think.

You know, floats around and like little fairy dust falls off and you know, twinkles lights, makes lights wherever she goes.

If you want a fairy thing done,

go to Glisbo.

Go to Glisbo.

Go to Glisbo.

That's good.

That's catchy.

Go to Glisbo.

Yeah, she's a real Renaissance fairy.

But I don't know if these fairy lights are going to solve all your problems.

No, I.

Can I say something, Ricky?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Phew.

That was a close one.

All right, lay it on me.

Go ahead.

Can I say something, Ricky?

It seems to me, and you know, I've loved and lost, like Arnie said, and never had a real serious relationship, not too serious.

But it seems to me that when you meet the right person, when you meet, let's call them the one,

you kind of produce your own sparks, right?

You produce your own lightning.

So wherever you go, when you kiss, when you touch, there is lightning.

It may not be visible to the naked eye.

It may not be externally around you, but in that kiss, in that touch, in that moment,

there is lightning, there is electricity.

Shouldn't that be what you're used to?

Sorry,

I was

reading this off a sheet of paper.

I had written this whole thing down after I asked.

Trent, since you have it written down, why don't you just start from the beginning?

Well,

Ricky, can I say something?

I've

loved and lost, like Arnie said.

Never had a real serious relationship, not too serious.

But

oh, oh, the glass spilled over.

Oh, the paper's ruined.

Yeah.

But you were talking about how they have their own lightning.

And I was just going to add, you could describe that as lightning in a bottle.

In a bottle.

Arnie?

What?

Lightning in a bottle.

oh yeah

you know it's just a matter of you know how you want to live your life ricky like do you want to be ricky we

or do you want to be ricky we

ricky

which of those two do you want to be well i want to be in the show

so

so i think that i'm going to tap into just what you said, Chunt, just the spark that's that could be between us.

When I take her beautiful, dry, scaly hand in my fluffy paw, I think I'll feel it.

I'll feel it.

And I won't need no damn lightning storm.

I don't care what my mom and pa say.

I don't need no damn lightning storm.

I can do it.

I can do it.

I am smart.

I like my haircuts.

I like my whole house.

And I cannot wait.

Y'all, this was great.

This has been wonderful.

If we ever need someone to disappear, should we call you?

No.

Understood.

Oh, you said no, but you slid us your card.

Hmm.

Thought you might be able to hear my wink.

The card just says forget this card.

Oh, and it just disappeared.

Oh, wow.

That's good branding.

That's useful.

You know where to...

You don't know where to find me.

I mean, I'll tell you right now.

Y'all three are invited to the wedding if you want to come.

Oh, that'd be wonderful.

I didn't hear any reaction from the other.

Yeah,

I don't know.

I guess they don't want to go.

Yeah, we could probably try to make it.

No, no, it's all right.

Tomorrow?

Tomorrow?

I just, I've heard a turtle give vows before, and it takes a while.

What are you two doing tomorrow?

Arnie, we have that thing.

Well,

well, this has been real nice, y'all.

Ricky, we're so excited for you.

And it's totally natural to have, you know, cold feet the night before your wedding.

And, you know, who knows if it'll work out, but I bet it will.

And if it doesn't, then even still, great.

Arnie, talking about Ricky's nice cold naturals?

What are you doing?

Yeah, and I mean, if it doesn't work out, then, you know, hopefully, I don't know.

Hopefully someone can make me forget all about it, right?

Usidor.

I imagine that can be arranged.

This idiot casts this fellow himself.

I think I've got it now.

Oh my god, that was the deepest, most sonorous wail I've ever heard.

Yeah, it rocked my chair.

Well,

I think that's probably a good place to end the episode because

all's well that ends well.

Arnie?

That was fucking amazing.

All's well that ends well.

Hmm.

Is there room in the world for all's well that starts meh?

How about some things start meh and don't seem to end?

I'm going to write an angry letter to someone.

Usidor the Wizard was played by Kate Blanchette.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Mara Rooney.

Wait a minute, that's not us.

This is the cast list for Todd Haynes' 2015 Lesbian Longing Fest Carol.

Used Or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

That's appropriately disappointing.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Ricky Springfoot was played by special guest Whitney Chitwood.

Whitney's short film, Sam Wants Her Sweater Back, parentheses, a queer and trans buddy heist comedy, is currently fundraising.

You can visit her Instagram to learn how you can help support this queer ass Chicago film.

Her words, but I was happy to say them.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Supporters like Jack Spicer, Dark Prince of the Universe.

Care for what you wish for, Jack.

I've known Dark Universe Princes.

It's mostly a lot of paperwork.

Ian Rasmussen, Mr.

Charles Wayne Weaver, Esquire.

Oh, brother.

Can you represent me in the case of the people versus lengthy Patreon names?

Austin Beard, Ellis Young, Shay F.

Ellen Pancake, parentheses, yes, that is my real name.

Close parentheses.

And it is an awesome real name, Ellen.

Don't let Charles Wayne William Wallace Waldo Weaver tell you otherwise.

Jordan Ann, Damerin, Ryan JB, David Brigham, and Purple Yoda, which is what you get when you leave regular Yoda and red kryptonite in the Hulk's pants on laundry day.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, Another Girl's Night, with Flower, Momo, and Gianessa.

Okay, Momo would love to get fluffed up at this spa.

Yeah, let's go.

Let's go get some treatments.

Yeah.

All right.

Ladies, welcome.

How do you do?

My name is Momo.

This is Flower, and this is my friend Gianessa.

We are three gals on this trip, and we would like to enjoy the spa, please.

Oh, we're so happy to have you.

Everybody, just relax.

My name is Fawn.

If you need anything, I'm so happy to get you started.

What can we do for you today?

Hey, Fawn, do you need any help out here?

Oh, Dawn.

Do I need to get the manager manager?

Are we good?

You might want to grab her.

I'm gonna grab her.

Swan, do you have a sack?

Fun and dawn.

How's it going over here?

Oh, you're glowing.

Did you get a facial tonight, Carl?

I did.

I stuck my face straight in the mud.

You look so good.

Thank you.

You look so young and glowy.

My God, what's your secret?

Ageless.

Listen, I think we're all having a wonderful time in this ma, but I gotta tell you, I'm a little concerned that some of the crystals have gone missing.

Oh, my goodness, what?

Maybe somebody put them out to recharge them.

I'm gonna need all of you to pull your assholes apart.

Absolutely.

My pleasure to.

All right.

You know what I'm saying?

Also, you could check in the bed later when we all get in it together.

Dare I go so far as to say those girls have gone wild.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Garrett Schultz.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Olivia loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.