Season 5, Ep 29 - Rescue Team (w/ Jon Gabrus)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And now, against all my best efforts, another episode of it has appeared.

Which means I can take a break from learning the lyrics to the Witch's Road ballad from Agatha All Along, monitor this for 45-ish minutes, then go on to learning the harmonies to the lyrics from the Witch's Road Ballad from Agatha all along.

It's good to have a mission.

Now sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern The Wander Lost in the Magical Land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Rachel's wet hand reached deeper and deeper, exploring her body.

She undid her tall, thick hat and laid it top of her hat.

Arnie, please.

Spoilers.

Chunt, are you reading which Handmaidens of Blirth book are you reading right now?

Wetter Than Ever.

The most recent Handmaidens of Blirth book?

Yeah, Arnie,

I wanted to read it.

I thought you wanted me to read it to you.

Is that not the case?

I mean, yeah, but I wanted you to start at the beginning.

At the beginning.

Rachel's horny little hand.

What?

The first book.

Ah, fine.

You want me to go all the way back to the first book.

Although now

I'm really drawn in by this Rachel's horny little hand line.

Nope, you said.

I mean, sure.

Is Perry Thrust in this book, too?

Oh, yeah.

Perry Thrust is a hat.

A hat?

The tall, thick hat is Perry Thrust.

Oh, I see.

It's a euphemism.

Yeah, he ran afoul of a mage and then got turned into a hat.

A tall, thick hat?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You'd be surprised what a hat could do.

Okay, well, before we get too horny.

Oh!

Duncan, did somebody say Arnie?

No, Dunkin'.

Duncan Potato Grease is still floating near the ceiling.

Anyway,

I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Blue.

I am Usidor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trucas, the Elves know me as Fiang Yalak, the Dwarves know me as Zonan and Hoogstenges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Mae Star.

And there are so many books in the series of The Handmaidens of Blirth that I could na'er say them all.

Well, I mean, that's something we could get behind.

Instead of these bullshit names, what it's the first one is The Handmaidens of Blirth, right?

Right.

And then it's like.

I just said I could nair say them all.

You know, N-E, apostrophe, E-R.

That's what Nair means?

Yeah, Nair.

Chun, am I crazy here?

I said Nair, right?

No, you're not.

It's Nair.

See?

Oh, that's why you're always saying you want to play that game nair have I air?

Yeah, nair have I air.

Ooh, let's play around.

Usidor, kick us off.

Na'er have I air

kissed a goat.

Okay, one finger down.

Okay.

Surprised about

me.

Nair have I air fallen through a dimensional portal behind a burger kang into the magical fantastical land of Foon.

Oh, that's just me.

Come on, man.

Wait, hold on.

Did I do that too?

I mean, you've gone through dimensions, but I don't think you went through that portal.

Not that specific one?

No.

Okay.

If I did e'er meet the Burger King, I would most assuredly take a knee before him and pledge my everlasting support to his cause.

Arnie, is he a giant burger?

Not to be rude.

Right, we don't.

We don't want to shame him if he's a giant burger or other him.

He's just, that's who he is.

Sure.

Um...

No, I don't.

I mean, it depends on what you is, like, a quarter pound.

Is that giant?

A quarter of a pound.

No, that's pretty small.

Pretty small, yeah.

I mean, I myself am probably like, I don't know, 35 pounds, 40 pounds.

So a quarter of a pound is pretty tiny.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

Well, we stumped Arnie with Is the Burger Gig of Real Burger?

So I guess we should probably stop playing Nare Have I Error.

Do you guys want to run into drinks?

I do, but I'm so concerned about the wizards and food and all the evil they're perpetrating by becoming warlords.

Oh, sure.

So you're not drinking or?

Oh, no.

I'll still have a drink.

Yeah, okay.

Sorry, it's just anytime I say, do you want a drink?

You just go, you get this sad.

Oh, you just

launch into this sort of altruist.

I would love to have a drink, but there's so much despair and sadness in the world.

How could I?

You've already earned the drink.

You don't need to convince us why you deserve the drink.

You virtue signaled your little heart out.

Let's get you a drink, buddy, okay?

Okay.

Sounds good.

Okay.

All right.

Ernie, what are you having?

I'll have a red potion.

Okay.

No.

Oh, no.

Hold on.

Wait a minute.

I'll have an ale.

Okay.

I'll have a red potion.

Absolutely.

Two red potions and an ale.

Not very supportive as a friend.

How dare you?

I'm very supportive.

I've literally supported you for almost 10 years.

Well, financially.

And emotionally.

Well.

And I've protected you from all sorts of evil monsters and beings and creatures.

But besides that, hey guys, here's the drinks.

Red potion for me, red potion for you, Stuart.

Chubb, wouldn't it be fair to say that I'm sort of like Ani's daddy now?

Yeah, I'd say you're his daddy.

I'm your daddy, Ani.

Say it.

No.

And I'm like your cousin that you're like, ooh, will they?

Won't they?

Also, I met this guy at the bar.

I hear you guys are traveling with Arnie over here.

A gentleman named Arnie.

Hmm.

In the middle of Foon.

Everyone else has got these fucking long-ass names with thes in the middle.

But no, we got an Arnie over here.

Yeah, I'm Arnie Niecamp.

I'm from another world.

Yeah, we're both from another world, brother.

Ooh,

see this tattoo?

Yeah.

Delta Force.

Wow.

We're not supposed to get these because we're supposed to be a secret organization, but

some of us are fucking psychopaths, you know?

We just get excited.

We just do what we want to do.

I do like that tattoo.

It says Delta Force, and then it has a bald eagle, but its wing is like shushing itself.

Like, shh, it's a secret.

Yeah, it's so when you see the tattoo, you know not to share it because I'm I'm always in the steam room at the uh at the gym here in Foon.

Wow, are you you look like you're from Earth?

I was once from Earth, but I've lost my fucking way at this point.

I I'm too deep.

I'm in too deep.

I've gone native.

I went full curts.

I'm I'm fully whatever Daniel Day-Lewis's name in Last of the Mohicans.

I'm just I've become

one of these Foon residents.

Trunt, Trunt, come here.

I'm sensing an upgrade.

Let's get back over there.

What is your name, stranger?

And what are your gifts and abilities?

Name's Clint.

Nickname, of course, in the crew is Clint, but you guys can call me either one.

I prefer Clint until I've earned my nickname by saving your ass from the fires of hell or bringing your ass down into the fires of hell as requested.

Whatever you need, Delta Force.

And myself, Staff Sergeant sergeant clint howard has got your back damn this guy ruled

wait how many versions of his name clint lint clit clit clint's my nickname you got to understand these delta force guys we're known for you know door kicking and and uh tank smashing but we're not exactly known for creative writing okay so cut us a little slack the other guys nicknames in our crew are just as dumb and offensive but i'm it's funny you say that lint because arnie um uh studied studied creative writing at, I want to say, Arizona State.

University of Arizona.

University of Arizona.

Oh, shit.

Go Sun Devils.

Is that them?

Yeah, I think so.

I didn't go to a lot of games.

Wait, no, not the Sun Devils.

That's Arizona.

That's Arizona State.

Oh, forgive me.

I offended you.

Hopefully, you don't live by the lore of these foon heads over here.

I've lost a couple of good buddies to some accidental misspeaks on trivia.

These guys hold.

They are fanatical about getting some shit right.

I misspoke my buddy ordered a purple potion by accident and they piano wired his fucking neck right in front of me.

That was our best goddamn radio operator ever.

We got no way to connect back to Earth or America, whatever you guys call it here.

Your friend ordered a purple potion?

The necromancer's potion?

How dare he?

What a file act.

He deserved everything he got.

Yeah, you understand on Earth we have something called purple drank, which everybody really enjoys.

So we were we thought he was ordering that, but then when, you know, the, I guess, animated skeletons or whatever attacked us and

convinced him to.

We don't have to get into it.

It's too upsetting to even remember.

I lost a lot of good men hunting you down, Mr.

Is it Kneecap?

Kneekamp?

Knee?

No,

I think it's kneecap.

No, it's not.

Arnie kneecap.

Are we sure?

Arnie kneecap.

What are you saying?

Arnie knee camp.

Kneekamp isn't even a word.

Kneecap is a word.

That's true.

Don't even get me started on how weirdly it's spelled.

Arnie, have you heard of this Delta Force or this Clint Howard before?

I mean, I've heard.

I mean, generally speaking, yes.

Clint, are you saying you're a special forces soldier from Earth?

Come here for me?

That's my plan.

But that was my plan.

I think, here's the thing, when we got our plans, I ate them so that no one ever can find them.

And now it's been so goddamn long that I need a refresher.

And, you know, I've looked through my stool for the last six months or so, but I've been unable to discover anything like that.

For six months, you've been looking through your stool.

Yeah, well, I don't know.

I've got a slow metabolism, and this foon food has got me all kinds of sideways, but ah, yeah, fuck you.

How are we going to get you back?

You got to come with me now, Arnie.

Well, no, I mean, if you're here to save me, then I guess that's great.

What happened to the rest of your team?

One by one, we were picked off.

This land is not,

let's say, friendly to visitors.

We've been, you know, living amongst the Funanites for a while now.

Is that what you guys call yourselves?

Foonlings?

Do you guys have a name for yourself?

It's all gravy, baby.

Yeah, whatever you want to call us is fine.

But the Funanites are a very specific sect of Funians

who are, let's be honest, are a cult.

So, you're telling me Funians is the proper nomenclature, then?

Funians is great.

Foonlings, I liked Foonlings, too.

But Funanites, watch out for them.

They'll make you drink some crazy shit.

Crazier than Purple Potion.

Well, God help us all if I run into any of those guys.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm frazzled.

I've been without my wife and kids or any of the earthly

possessions I've become accustomed to.

All I have is this MP5, this M60, this K-bar fighting knife, you know, and whatever else I've got in my bag and fatigues at this point.

Barely anything left here.

But Arnie, you got to come with me.

I'm sure your parents, the kneecaps, miss you big time.

We got to get you back to Earth.

Well, yeah, sure.

Absolutely.

But I don't know.

Am I going to be safe in your hands?

I mean, I've survived here for nine and a half years.

You've been here for nine and a half years?

I've been here.

Why the fuck?

Why did I get eight and a half years into your run?

Why was I assigned a mission to come in here and rescue you?

And also to map all the defenses that the Funians have established throughout all of the land.

I don't care for that.

Why would I have that mission if it wasn't just to rescue you?

Arnie, you must be important back on Earth.

What is it you say you do?

You're a radio communicator?

Well, I'm a podcaster.

I have to assume that in the time I've been gone, my podcast has become world news.

Everybody is sort of talking about how I've discovered another world and how I'm...

A lot of people were interested in your podcast at first but then celebrities got into the podcast game and it kind of really muddied the situation and people are now talking about Conan O'Brien and I guess

I guess Matt LeBlanc is watching old episode of Friends with Lisa Kudreaux and so they're re they're going through their

compete with that that makes me so mad and but also I do kind of want to listen to that Matt LeBlanc one now that you mentioned it look this sounds like high quality entertainment but I will not stand for this one second longer you were sent here one one year ago because the goddesses demanded it they said please finally send a savior from earth who can assist you you sador in your battle against evil you clint have been brought here to replace arnie as the the valiant warrior we've been looking for this entire time

Nine and a half years in, Arnie, you haven't proven yourself as a valiant warrior yet?

I mean, I'm the greatest warrior in all of Foon.

I mean, I accidentally killed the greatest warrior in all of Foon, so I have that.

Accident.

That's great.

That's like I accidentally killed a Panamanian rebellion leader when I was supposed to kill the Panamanian conservative leader.

And

it didn't matter really.

It still just drove down the price of bananas, and we all ended up winning here in the States.

Well, here in the States, you listen to me.

I feel like I'm still there.

Fuck.

I'm all caught up in this shit.

Arnie, get your shit and we gotta go.

Ditch this little, what is this, skunk?

Roger.

Whoa, what the fuck?

He talks.

He's been talking this whole time, and I thought I was losing my fucking mind.

But then when he directly reacted to something I said, that really twisted me up.

Sorry, I've been a little quiet.

I just keep reading your shirt over and over.

Tight black t-shirt that says, I'm not as thick as you drunk I am.

Yeah.

We're supposed to wear street clothes, so I, and it wasn't originally tight when I came through the portal, but I've been subsisting on, I guess, what you guys have is high caloric plant life here.

I've been fucking like a gavon, I've been blowing up since I got here.

But yeah, we were supposed to dress as civilians, so

we ended up pretending to be a group of guys on spring break in Foon.

And unfortunately for us, one of the first people we ran into was some sort of like lizard warrior hybrid thing, and it had a sling and it took out our fucking leader right off the grip.

Oh, Jerry?

Tuclo Jerry.

No, our leader's name was Gerald.

Oh, no, I was talking about the lizard hybrid guy.

I think that was Jerry.

No, he...

Oh, fuck.

I thought he was saying our leader's name, but he must have been saying his own.

That little sick bastard has got a fucking...

He's got an arm on him.

He hit my commander with a rock while he was running at full speed, hitting him right in the temple.

Pink misted his brain.

It was brutal to see.

Oh, but he's great on a mittens team.

Very athletic.

Got a lot of drive, got a lot of hustle.

You like to see him grab the potted plant and get it all the way to the other end of

the field if he can.

He's one of the few who can do it.

I'm assuming this is a local sport here, this Mittens game, is what you're saying.

Oh, these are the most wonderful games ever created.

Yes, of course.

Actually, you'd make a great Mittens player.

Have you ever thought about trying out?

I played college football, then I played a few years of rugby when I was in the Army Green Berets, and then when I switched to Delta Force to make you quit all sports and mostly just watch propaganda all day long.

Wow, you've had quite a storied career, the Green Berets and Delta Force.

That's incredible, I assume.

Yeah, Delta Force normally pulls from other special forces operations because Delta Force doesn't have like a real entry-level program.

You know, you can't be like a PA at Delta Force and work your way up.

But

enough.

Enough.

So Arnie's tried explaining this to us before.

It goes Green Beret, then Delta Force, then G.I.

Joe.

G.I.

Joe is the real American hero.

That's correct.

Yeah, I'm

glad you now know.

It's the more you know.

But is it political?

Like, do you have to know somebody to get into the G.I.

Joe?

To get into G.I.

Joe, you have to know somebody and have a sort of fully realized character that can be eyeballed based on your wardrobe and specialty.

And that shit doesn't actually work.

We had a guy in, we had Firebug was in the Delta Force for a while, but one errant ricochet hit him in the back of his gas tank and killed his entire platoon.

So we kind of try to not bring in these guys with all these fucking weird guns and shit.

Kind of use the standard issue M16, M203 grenade launcher, dual mount, you know, MP5 for sub, you know, for your SMG and M16 for heavy fire, yeah.

Totally.

Hey, Arnie.

The skunk knows what I'm talking about.

Arnie, you start.

Yeah, yeah, what?

What?

M16420?

What are all these numbers?

What is that?

I don't know.

I think they're weapons.

They're guns.

I mean, I'd be lying if I knew the specifics.

Weapons?

we've got to get this guy on our team we got to take a quick break and then i'll do everything i can to ensure that clintoward helps us defend the freedom of foon

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Clint, I'm sorry, the muscles on you.

It's pretty incredible.

Yeah, I wasn't even this buff when I came in here, but there must be some slight difference in gravity or some sort of high-protein plant life for whatever I'm doing.

Whatever I'm doing is working for, I mean, I'm surviving my fucking ass off out there, Arnie.

I lost a lot of good men.

How many people did you come through with?

21.

21.

Where?

They're all dead.

Well, they're all dead?

A couple of them maybe are captured, but at least a majority of them are dead.

Yeah.

When my leader Rick got hit in the head with that stone from, I guess you were saying his name was Jerry.

Jerry.

Lizard Hybrid.

Yeah, the Lizard Hybrid guy.

That sent us all into kind of disarray.

A few of us scrambled away.

And

we reconnected deep a couple of months later, but then they had gone too feral, and I had to kill a couple of my old squad mates, which was kind of brutal.

The big chiefdom, as as they call it.

I'm sorry to rewind a little bit.

So an entire military force came in, and then a lizard guy killed one of you with a rock.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we were coming prepared for heavy armaments.

We had, you know, we had our Kevlar on, we had an APC, and then when

Rick took a look out,

a rock hit him right in the head.

Pink misted his head.

He kind of dropped back in with just a neck and

a split open watermelon where his head used to be.

And there we go.

You know, Rick's down.

And who knew that he was the one holding us all together?

Shit hit the fan immediately at that point.

Data went fucking A wall.

He went crazy right there.

Put a gun in his mouth, pulled the trigger right there inside the API.

What?

Data just killed himself immediately?

Yeah, he was our Wi-Fi guy.

I mean, you know, I guess there's a bigger, a better name for that, but I'm more of a, you know, I'm a grunt.

I'm a small arms expert, so I don't know this shit, but we called him our Wi-Fi guy.

Small arms expert?

Now, you said over the year you've lost more of your platoon or your complement.

Were any of them, did any of them happen to be encased in crystal?

Two of them.

Two of them were...

Is this a thing?

Is that a thing you can get them out of?

Because once that happened, we threw them into the water.

We threw them off into crystal.

Well, I think you threw them into the water.

That was the best thing you could do.

Oh, fuck.

That is wonderful news.

Yeah, yeah.

If you get encased in crystal, the first thing you want to do is throw that body into the water because the water over time will help break down the crystal now i can help get them out of there but they'll never be the same again and they won't recognize anyone they knew and they'll have a terrible thirst for dirt they'll just want to eat dirt and they'll eat dirt until their stomachs explode and disdain

Okay, so we should probably just leave them in though.

I might just leave them in there.

But technically, they're alive.

Oh, that's good news.

I guess that'll save two letters to two sets of parents.

Wait a minute.

Usidor, you know, Mary Bell, the Princess of the Meadows?

Of course.

Didn't she just get married to a guy named Vance O'Donnell, who's wearing a t-shirt that says Federal Butthole Inspector?

Yeah, I think Mary Belle did get married to Vance O'Donnell.

That sounds right to me.

Lit?

Oh,

Video on Demand, our boy.

That was his nickname in the crew.

Really sounds like G.I.

Joe names.

Yeah.

Well, we rip off G.I.

Joe for our names, but we just don't have the full characterization.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, because that would be so pointless to wear a fucking yellow blowtorch suit running into Foon.

We got to wear camo.

Turns out our camo doesn't really work.

You can't wear woodland camo in this world where, you know, some trees are purple and shit.

It's fucking true.

Got us found out.

Vance O'Donnell got married, huh?

Okay, I don't ask Don't tell.

I always thought he was gay.

But

turns out he was straight.

Well, is Maribel

a human woman?

Are there humans in Foon besides me, Cap and myself?

She's kind of like the concept of Meadows, I guess.

Sort of an ethereal creature.

Meadows spirit, I would say.

Yeah.

That makes sense for old Video On Demand.

He loves that fucking bullshit.

He was waxing on and on again about meadows and savannas and mesas and shit.

And I was, no one had time for that.

So we

kicked him out of the crew because he went fully

pacifist.

He buried his weaponry and was like, I'm out of here.

I'm going.

And I'm glad to hear he found something for himself.

Yes, there are other humans here in Foon.

I think there are some in the bar tonight.

Let's see.

That's a centaur.

That's three witches.

Okay.

Let's see.

I could have sworn I saw a human in here.

John, have you seen any humans lately?

Not that I can think of.

Okay.

There's a dog walking on its hind legs.

Good boy.

Keep it up.

See, I saw that and didn't know if that was like a new race or, you know, I didn't know if that was like a bartender or something, but that's just what, because we have dogs, but they don't walk on hind legs on Earth.

That's just a really smart dog.

Yeah.

When dogs get smart enough, sometimes they walk around on the hind legs.

It's crazy, but it's really cute.

Note to self, dogs here are smart.

When they get even smarter, they go back to four legs because that's much easier for their build.

Yeah, their body.

It suits them better.

So he's on his way to becoming very smart.

Right now, he's just pretty smart for a dog.

Like, if he was a dumb dog, he'd run on all fours, but he's pretty smart, so he figures he can get a better advantage being on hind legs.

But then another level of evolution will teach him that actually I'm i'm faster and more comfortable on all fours and these paws don't do much for me yeah he's kind of college level smart where he's like i'm just gonna try some things that's oh man you got you love to see it you love to see a college college educated dog just getting his crack of life you know this is not shit we have on earth you know i didn't even get to go to college i went straight into the army because uh

well let's just say colleges don't take people who hit teachers with baseball bats

that's probably for the best Yeah.

But the Army does.

The Army, as a matter of fact, the Army put me right into ROTC.

Like, that gave me an officer.

Technically, the ability to shut off the shame or the pity that would come with hitting an old teacher in the face with a bat is, you know.

Once you get rid of that, you're pretty much ready for Delta Force.

It turns out I, well, I feel bad even talking about this.

That teacher helped turn my entire life around, but I got my hands on a bat, and he taught me to read, taught me to dance, gave me a chance out of my little small town.

But the second I got my hands on that Louisville, I knocked his teeth down his goddamn throat.

So he didn't even do anything, it was just that you found a bat.

I found a bat, and I said, Watch this.

And he said, Seriously, stop swinging it like that.

This is like it's a really small room.

And I was like, No, watch this.

Watch how fast I can get it going.

And it fucking whack hit him right in the jaw like Beavis and Butthead frog baseball just spit spray and teeth.

Do you guys have Beavis and Butthead here?

Beepdas and Buphead?

Arnie, you never told us about this.

What is this?

Wait, Judge, what did you think it was called?

Beepdas and Buttbed?

Beepdas and Buphead.

I hear everything else so perfectly.

Beepdas and Bughead.

Sorry, it's just, I'm just trying to wrap my head around this.

This is, it's so weird to hear new words.

They're animated

American personalities that watch music videos and get into hijinks and they have a hard time at school.

So, of course, I related to them instantly.

Neither here nor there.

Arnie, get your shit.

We're getting the fuck out of here.

This is my one non-stop express ticket to the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Oh, wow.

Now, I have to ask, Arnie's been trying to get home for years.

How do you plan to get back to Earth?

Oh, I was kind of hoping you would know.

I figured there'd there'd be like another Burger King here that is like the flip Burger King of our Burger King back in Chicago that we entered through.

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

We should find like a Bizarro Burger King somewhere.

I don't know of a Burger King here.

A chunt, do you know of any Burger Kings here in Foon?

That's why I've been always so fascinated by him.

Yeah, I can't think of any Burger Kings.

There's a Phileofish Mayor.

There was a Phileofish Mayor, I'm sorry to say.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

But he rode a convertible through town, and

we had to take him out.

We thought he had the answers that we needed.

We wanted to get the deputy mayor into power because of his capabilities.

So we had to take the filet of fish out.

I mean, if you drive a carriage with the top down and your horses are running rampant, then yeah, I guess that's threatening.

Lesson one, I don't think anyone's going to be doing that anytime soon.

That's for shit, sure.

So, wait, let me get this straight, Clinton.

You have been in Foon for about a year, and you've been slowly being killed off, but also you've been taking notes on military strongholds, and it sounds like destabilizing any government that you come across along the way.

Yeah, we had some, I guess, our

commander calls them side quests.

Like, while we're here on the main mission to rescue you, we can rack up, you know, 10, if we get 10 destabilizing events, we can come back and, you know, trade that in for tickets and then use those tickets for.

If we get enough, you can get like a toaster oven, but mostly you just end up with like four of the same thing, you know, four sticky hands on strings that you could like whip and steal dollars.

An entire oven dedicated to toast?

Arnie, why have you never told us of such a wonderful thing?

I don't like talk about earth stuff.

Almost a decade in here, toaster ovens never came up, Arnie?

I don't know.

I thought I went native.

You're in too deep, Arnie.

What is this that you're drinking?

Ale?

Yeah, we had this other.

Yeah, that is not weird.

These guys have the weirder thing.

I wish I had the weirder thing.

They won't let me.

Are you not allowed to have red potion?

I'm not allowed to have red potion.

He was addicted for a while.

He was addicted to red potion.

It wasn't good for him.

Yeah, bad luck.

I know how to handle it.

I can have as much red potion as I want.

It's not a problem.

Okay, can you just back up a little?

You just got so much spit in my face.

Don't tell me where to stand.

Oh, Lint, I should say that this might make sense to you.

Maybe three or four weeks ago, we had a big crate drop from the sky with a parachute, and on the box it said loot.

Is that

was for us?

That should have been a re-up of ammo and stuff.

They said they were going to catapult it through, use a trebuchet to fire it through the Burger King, and it should get airborne and land here, but we were unable to get anywhere near it.

But luckily, I mean, luckily for this hyper-specific situation, there's only one of us and not 21 of us, so I could live off of way less MREs than is needed.

But I hope you guys had fun.

It's probably just a bunch of ammo and gauze and some,

you know.

Well, the locals took everything in there and took all the

little

metal pieces.

Bullets?

Yeah, yes.

They look like little crossbow bolts, and they just melted it all down, and they made a beautiful suit of armor off of it.

Holy shit.

Oh, can I just say when they melted those down, their house was destroyed.

Yeah,

it was fucking crazy.

There's like 4,000 little holes in their house when they melted those down.

But they did it.

That'll happen.

That's how we took out an entire, I don't know, cadre of knolls.

They were sitting around a big old fire.

We didn't know what we were going to do, and someone just threw an M60 ammo belt right in the campfire in the middle.

And we didn't really have to do much.

We just had to hide our asses and watch as these guys got fucking swish cheesed right in front of us.

Yeah.

What about the person that threw the ammo belt in?

That's kind of, it's, I feel like that would happen fast.

That was that was, yeah, that's, you know, that was another good, we lost a good guy that day, too.

Yeah, he was, he was our fastest guy.

We called him Flojo.

And

yeah.

And he was just not fast enough that day.

You know, Noel grabbed his little shorts that he was wearing and tripped him up a little.

And then at that moment, the belt must have hit, you know, the heat point or whatever they call it flash point and

shot his little ass up oh terrible what a terrible way to go tiniest ass on flojo it was brutal it was brutal we you know we had to bury him in the sack sure

he's too loose well that's kind of fun though oh yeah

the burial was fun we ate a lot of knoll meat that night buried flojo uh two more of us died from null meat poisoning that night so we uh yeah we lost three or four that day.

We've been,

it's attrition is a hell of a bitch.

You know, we lost our leader on like minute six of being here.

And then we pretty much lost everyone about a month and a half except for I guess the guy who married the concept of Meadows and the Vance O'Donnell.

Yeah, yeah, video of the man.

And then the two twins that got locked in the crystals that we threw into the lake.

Yeah, don't bring them back.

They'll never be the same.

Okay, yeah, we don't want to.

They were already freaks.

You know, when like adult twins are too into being twins, it's like, okay, come on.

We have separate entities at this point.

Why are both of you Delta?

It's confusing.

Yeah.

There's a rumor that they spoke their own language.

They also were wearing confusing t-shirts, tight-tight t-shirts that one said thing one and the other said thing two.

Yeah, that's some sort of reference to the Fantastic Four.

Yep.

It's an earth property of IP, whatever

these people call it these days.

Arnie, get your shit and let's get out of here.

You can bring the skunk and the Mennonite guy in the blue if you need to, but we need to go now.

Arnie, are we going?

Are we leaving?

Yeah, I'll go upstairs and pack your bag.

Oh, I'll go grab my bingo.

We're kind of in the middle of stuff.

I mean, and also, this guy,

I'm sorry, Clint.

I just don't know that I have a lot of confidence in your.

I feel like I'm safer without you.

Oh, Arnie.

Oh, what is this?

Same shit my general said.

Oh, everyone seems to always die in your platoons, Clit,

and now you're alone.

Well, I'm alone again, Arnie.

And I.

Has this happened to you before?

This happened before you came to food?

Yeah, boy.

Yeah, this is like my fourth mission where I'm the only guy left.

One of them, one of them, to be fair, was I did have to kill my entire platoon.

That was my orders.

So

they were all double agents.

Were these official orders or did like a talking dog give you these orders?

What?

No.

You never, you never take the talking dog's orders at plain sight.

Arnie, they were all double agents.

Did you hear?

He's not listening to the dog.

Oh, okay.

He's listening to the dog, but he's not doing what the dog says.

Yeah, not in this instance.

The dog didn't even know they were double agents.

I found it out on the mission when they tried to flip.

They tried to join the ISIS while I was with them, so I had to kill them.

This was in Cincinnati.

Arnie, that's where you're from around there, right?

You're near Cincinnati.

It's close to where I'm from, yeah.

Yeah, I'm from Ohio.

Well, compared to Foon, compared to Foon, like anything we mention on Earth is closer to where Arnie's from, I believe.

That's true.

That's true.

Kuala Lumpur is a little closer to where Arnie's from thankful.

Kuala Lumpur.

Whatever this tavern is.

Holy shit, those three witches are kissing.

This fucking place rips.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, they'll do that.

They share one soul.

Well,

let's take another quick break.

Hi, Melinda.

And then when we come back, I guess, Ernie, I guess we're all heading out.

Usidor, John.

Look,

I'm not sure that I'm comfortable saying with this guy.

He just seems to get everybody killed, but then also, I don't feel if I'm comfortable just like sending him into like a random area of foon where he could cause trouble for people who aren't we're just trying to live their lives.

Any I'm gonna be totally honest with you.

I was ready to kick this guy out and put you in his place.

A big warrior come here to help us fight evil, but you're right.

He gets everyone killed.

I think he might be hearing voices.

I don't know what's going on with him.

I think he's cool.

Look, he's cool.

We can all definitely be very cool.

Listen, he's glistening.

He has a thin band of metal across both knuckles.

This guy rules.

Woo!

Holy shit.

These centaurs are better than a steel bull.

Wow.

He's got one foot on two different centaurs.

He's standing up, riding them.

This is incredible.

I hope he asked them to do that.

Oh, shit.

Your boy's getting a little ripped.

Let's go.

How are you doing, Clint?

You feeling all right now?

I'm feeling a little better.

I'm feeling a little loose.

Couple of ales, a couple of centaur surfs.

Get you going.

So you guys said your goodbyes, Arnie.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

We got to get to this

ass end of the Burger King, whatever that is over here at the Burger King exit, the Mayor McChees' house or whatever.

I guess he's a McDonald's property.

First of all, I'm not sure that I know how to get back through that same portal.

Uh-oh.

I was betting big on you getting me the fuck out of here, Arnie.

Yeah.

Get you back to the kneecap family.

I mean, I have successfully gone back to earth in the 80s um but i don't know if if you want to visit my childhood

yeah we could probably get you to toledo in roughly 1989 or 1990 you could go to a myers

i don't think i don't think i don't think that really helps me in my situation no in the 90s my i i shit was bad for me you know i i was i was like 13 years old just causing trouble you know yeah i had a i had soap shoes where you can grind with your shoes, and I had a gang of people that I was rolling with that were grinding on all these bannisters.

A teacher tried to stop us, and I hit him in the face with a baseball bat.

Is this the same teacher or a different teacher?

Different teacher.

This was a different teacher.

This guy was a bat.

Same bat.

Unfortunately, it was the same bat.

Same, well, not the same exact bat, but the same make and model.

Oh, what a music.

I see.

Okay.

Similar bat.

That's kind of a fun, nice saying, like, same bat, different teacher.

Or maybe inverse it, different teacher.

Different teacher, different bat.

Yeah.

No.

Speaking of soap, Lint, I did see you had a pillowcase full of bars of soap sort of twisted at your side there.

Yeah, this was just in case Arnie didn't want to come with and we had to get his dumpy ass back through Foon and get it to Earth.

We're going to have to order a, I believe we call them, code reds.

Wow.

Is that why during the break you asked me where I sleep and how deeply I sleep?

Yeah, that's why I asked you that.

And that's why I said, have you ever seen Full Metal Jacket or A Few Good Men?

And I guess

you've only seen...

Which one was it again?

You saw neither of those.

So

Thin Red Line?

Is that the one you like, Ronnie?

You know, I vividly remember as a kid in the 80s

having kids at lunch explain the plot of Full Metal Jacket to me.

And from everything they said, it's just a delightful action romp.

That's right.

That's pretty much it.

I mean, I love that movie.

I laughed through the whole thing when I first saw it.

It made me join the military right after.

I was like, wow, I took the right thing away from this film.

I'm ready to go to basic training.

I thought I'd look good with a shaved head.

And luckily, Delta gets to grow their hair out because I was wrong.

I got a big old weird lump on the top.

Sure.

Any, is that the one where

the girl doesn't know who her real father

and they sing the songs about trying to figure out who the real dad is.

That's Full Metal Jacket, right?

Yeah, you said it's like Meryl Streep and someone else.

The guy who is James Bond, I think you said.

They're all in Greece.

Oh, that's right.

And they did a sequel, Full Metal Jacket.

Here we go again.

Yeah.

I believe you guys are confusing two films.

I think you're thinking of Sisterhood of the Traveling Jacket.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry about that.

We've all been in Foon too long.

I know I have, and I've been here half as fucking long as you are, right?

One-eighth as long as you guys.

Look, Arnie, just go with this gentleman.

I think your time here is overstayed.

You've stayed past your welcome.

You'll figure out some way to get home, I'm sure.

Chunt, what do you think?

Yeah, I mean, Arnie, isn't this what you wanted?

I mean...

They finally came for you.

I mean, I like the attention.

I guess I was expecting them to send something a little...

No offense, Clinton, you're great, but I was expecting

a more competent rescuing.

Well, I'm not really a rescue guy as much as I am a so disarray amongst the local populace kind of guy, so I've been focusing on that more

destabilizing, destabilizing military strongholds and

preventing networking amongst your defense systems here so that if

needed, the U.S.

Army can come through the that Burger King and shut this whole fucking thing down.

Well, I'm pretty sure that that portal's gone.

Good.

Because in my time here, I've learned to love the Foonians.

I've come to find myself enjoying the company of little skunks and little

larger blue-robed freaks and even the kneecaps of the world make sense for me here.

And I don't think I'm.

Not only am I not ready to go back, I ain't certainly not ready to call reinforcements to that goddamn Burger King and light you fuckers up.

Because, goddamn it, if my general says surf the beach, you surf the goddamn beach.

You hear me?

Yes.

Oh, did your leadership back on earth mention why they want Arnie back at all?

They said it would be an absolute PR nightmare if we killed one of our own during an

massive

military offensive.

Okay, that's good news.

I think I'm telling you guys some stuff I'm supposed to keep a secret, okay?

But look, I don't know.

I had two sips of this red potion, and I'm feeling fucking loose as a motherfucking goose.

It'll do that.

So it sort of sounds like me being here is actually keeping Foon safe from a full-on military invasion.

God damn it, Arnie.

You are the linchpin.

You are the protector of this realm.

With you here,

you just being here will protect this realm from an all-out assault from the United States Army on behalf of Earth.

Of course, without anyone else on Earth's permission, we would just do that.

But we would be considering doing it on behalf of all Earth people.

Seems like I'm pretty important.

You're goddamn right you're important, Arnie, and for that reason alone, I have to leave you here with your skunk friend and the blue guy.

Clint, you seem to have grown to love Foon, frankly, more than I have.

Would you like to use your

frankly terrible methods for the good of Foon?

At this point,

I'm just a weapon to be wielded by whoever?

Am I a weapon to be welded?

Wielded?

Wielded.

Yeah, yeah.

Wilded.

Wielded.

At this point, I'm a weapon to be wielded by whoever grabs the pommel.

And in this case, if it's the good people or the good things of Foon,

then I'm, I guess you can call them people even if they're not humans, right?

Sure, sure.

Yeah.

Hey, Usidor.

Yep.

At some point, should we become like, you know, sort of hard-nosed detectives who fight crime and call ourselves Skunk and the Blue Guy?

Yes.

That kind of rules, right?

Absolutely.

I think it would work great.

Sorry to butt into this conversation, but on Patreon, maybe?

Oh, absolutely.

Everything's content.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

Also, think Skunk and the Blue Guy could be a great morning radio show here in Foon.

You're listening to Skunk and the Blue Guy.

Ah, that rules.

First time, long time, it's me, Clint.

How's everybody doing over there?

I know it's Whip'em Out Wednesday.

I saw some fucking centaur titties on the drive over here.

Wow.

Uh, Clint, I think that you are a

diabolically

disastrous

purveyor of violence.

And

thank you.

But

focused on the correct thing, you could be one of the greatest assets that we have eer had.

What do you know about Spintax the Green?

Another wizard looks kind of like me, wears green, has a high, groily, weird voice.

Everybody loves loves him.

I ne'er heard of him.

Nair, see Arnie?

You're my favorite.

Everyone uses that term nair.

Okay.

Live and learn.

Spintax is one of the many wizards who's been amassing power.

In the just south of Fingaria, he has a stronghold, one of his many secret little hidey holes.

I want you to march north.

And any bastard wearing a green robe or wearing a green armband who's supporting Spintax, I want you to mow them down.

Let me just see if I got this right.

Head north to just south of Fingoria, and there I'll meet Spintax.

Close enough.

He's never going to get that right.

Got it.

Kill anyone wearing green.

See you later.

Oh, shit.

Wait, he ran out of here so fast.

Well, I mean, that's...

Guys, I'm back.

You got to cover for me.

There was some little, like, just a little kid wearing a greasy shirt or something.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I got to look that on.

We gotta be more specific.

I was trying.

Even you said it yourself, Blue Man Group.

I gotta

focus me.

God damn it.

You sorta, don't you have like a magical trinket you can give him that like points him to where he's supposed to go?

Of course.

Here, take this amulet.

This green emerald will shine brightly when e'er one of Spintak's followers is nearby.

Oh, I love it.

Thank you.

Shit, am I wearing green now?

Oh no.

Wait, no, I don't have to attack myself, do I?

Clint, you don't need to point a gun at yourself.

All right, thank fucking God, because this time I was ready to use it.

I only have a couple of bullets left, and I'm going to save one for this fucking

syntax.

What's his name?

Spin class?

Well, well, well.

Beepdas and buphead doesn't seem so strange now, does it?

I'll just write it down.

Yeah.

Spin tax.

S-P-I-M-T-A-X.

I definitely said that.

Those are two pretty common English words.

I definitely said that.

Yeah.

That's understandable.

I'm in my fucking head about this shit now.

All right.

Spin tax.

Okay.

All right.

Well, Arnie, God bless the USA.

Sure.

Oh, Arnie.

He started.

Tears welled up in his eyes.

What's that about?

Confident.

Is that confident?

He proudly stood up.

I am a real American.

Fight for Iraq.

Sorry, I have to go.

I'm on a mission now.

It was a pleasure meeting all of you.

Young Skunk,

Bluey, the kids' show, and

Mr.

Kneecap himself.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for your service, Clint.

Oh, actually, do you mind if we call you Clit?

No, you guys are my boys now.

You can call me Clit.

Impossible to find and powerful as hell.

Take care, Clit.

And just so you know, Hawkeye was Daniel Day Lewis' character in Last of the Mohicans.

Arnie told us the entire story.

Clit out.

There's no chance in hell he'll survive.

I don't think so.

I don't think he's going to get out of town.

Should we start doing Whip It Out Wednesdays?

That's not a bad idea.

Clit Out made me think of that.

I'll go first.

Haha!

Here's my magic wand.

Pretty good.

I whipped it out.

Is it too late for me to go with Clit?

Oh, look, the little kid was Scarecrow Eddie.

He's sewing his head back on.

Oh, he's fine.

Yeah.

But he seems traumatized.

Oh, yeah, he's traumatized.

At least he's not trapped in a crystal.

There were some consequences.

Yeah.

Fine.

I wonder what the odds would be of someone eventually whipping out talent.

I suppose we'll never know.

Usidor the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Shunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Delta IV soldier Clint Howard was played by special guest Jon Gabris.

Check out Jon's podcasts, High and Mighty, wherever you get your podcasts.

And Action Boys on Patreon.

Dunkin' Potato Grease, the guy floating near the ceiling of the tavern, was played for one line this episode by Zach Oyama.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

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Okay, you didn't write jazz, but I think you meant to.

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Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

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This episode edited by Red Keener.

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