Season 5, Ep 71 - Super Studs (live from Somerville, MA)

I'm so excited to tell you about a great, very funny podcast called Midnight Burger.

Midnight Burger is an audio drama about the adventures of a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner.

Look, people recommend podcasts to me all the time, and sincerely, by far, by far, the one I've been hearing people recommend to me the most lately is Midnight Burger.

And now, I'm going to recommend it to you.

How does that feel?

Shoes on the other foot, isn't it?

But let me give you some context.

When Gloria takes a waitressing job in a diner outside of Phoenix, what she doesn't realize is she's now an employee of Midnight Burger, and every day, Midnight Burger appears somewhere new in the cosmos, along with its staff, a galactic drifter, a rogue theoretical physicist, a sentient old-timey radio, and some guy named Casper.

No one knows who built Midnight Burger or how it works, but when it appears, there's always someone around who could really use a cup of coffee.

Look, if you enjoy podcasts set in fantastical eating establishments, and I assume you do, I hope you do, you do.

You're going to love Midnight Burger.

You can find and listen to Midnight Burger anywhere you listen to podcasts, or just go to weopenat6.com.

Go, listen, subscribe.

Midnight Burger.

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People of Earth, the following live recording of a podcast is not real.

This episode was recorded live in Somerville, Massachusetts at Arts at the Armory on July 18th.

See right there, Massachusetts isn't a real place.

It's a virtual construct, built to make your Earth resident Ben Affleck feel at home.

Anyway, there are a few visual components to the show.

Oh, no doubt, crying children, protests, critics walking out.

I'm just guessing here.

And if you'd like to see pictures of those, there's a link to the Patreon page for this episode in the show notes.

You'll find numerous pictures there, and that page will be unlocked.

So you can take a look at the pictures whether you're a Patreon subscriber or not.

And that's how they get you.

Now, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern

A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, oh no.

But think about it like this: all your life, all my life, has been leading up to this moment where we finally meet.

And when I say meet, I kind of just mean this, basically.

But I'm so excited.

But if you've never listened to the podcast before, this is sincerely everything you need to know.

Ten years ago,

I knew it.

I had a feeling this was a decades crowd.

This crowd loves decades.

10 years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

If you've ever been to Chicago, it's the intersection of Irving and Clark.

Spoiler alert.

It has been torn down.

It is no longer there.

I fell through the dimensional portal.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast as I travel around the magical land of Foon.

Currently, somewhere in the Northeast,

in the tavern, the Impish Armory,

where we all are now.

This crowd is ready to buy in.

It's like, where am I?

Impouch Armory.

That's where I am.

In the magical land of Foon.

You know what?

It's not just me tonight.

You know what?

No, it is just me tonight.

But you know what will make it even better?

Why don't I bring out one of my good buds?

He's a talking badger.

Shunta Talking Badger.

Oh,

yeah, baby.

Get what?

Get what?

Get wet.

Yeah, that's right.

Arnie, that's right.

Get wet.

Put a lot of stank on that get.

Like, get.

Like, that's the, like, get wet.

It sounds like they're lifting a box.

Yeah.

Get wet.

Help me.

And Arnie, I always say, get wet with your legs, not with your back.

Exactly.

You like

Chunt, are you losing your hair?

Yes, but also,

I had to sleep on top of Yucidor last night, and I feel like some of his

beard rubbed off on me.

Okay.

There's a lot to unpack there.

Arnie, very quickly, a wizard's hair is one of the most valuable things in food.

Wait, where did it?

Oh, I got it.

We could sell this for a million gold.

Okay.

Retire, start a new podcast about nuts or something.

What do you think?

I'm skeptical that a wizard's hair is that valuable.

Okay.

Okay, well, fuck it.

That's fine.

So you were saying, Chun, that last night you had to sleep on top of Usidor.

Sorry, I got to sleep on top of Usidor.

He was kind enough.

I

couldn't find my hovel, and Usidor was nice enough to be like, just crash with me.

Of course, I slept at his feet for a while, kept getting up and turning around.

Yeah.

At some point, I just laid on his tummy.

Sure.

It was very sweet.

Yeah, it's very sweet.

Nothing salacious about that at all.

It was very sweet.

What have you been up to lately, buddy?

Oh, I'm glad you mentioned my red socks.

Oh.

What have I been up to?

Scheming,

dreaming, scheming, dreaming.

So they stop rhyming after two.

Sleeping rhymes.

Sleeping.

Queefing.

What, Arnie?

I don't know if I've ever seen these pants.

Well, yes, I am wearing pajama pants.

I thought it'd just be a little bit more of a special night, but a casual night at the same time.

Also, it occurred to me,

it's not a canonically established what kind of pants I wear.

And I do want to point out, again, if you have never listened to the podcast before, and this is going to sound not real, but it actually is.

One of the somehow top five most canonically important things about this show is just that I wear this fucking shirt.

And Arnie, I gotta say, if you ever leave or die, that shirt is unbelievably valuable.

I could sell it for half a million gold.

Half a million gold.

It's less than a wizard hair.

I think so.

I don't want to be,

you know, I'm not trying to, but yeah, I think half a...

Chun, should I start canonically having a different outfit?

Like, maybe one that still fits me?

Oh, it's happening.

It's happening.

Oh, Arnie, I've been dreaming of this day.

Okay, let's see.

Chainmail, are we comfortable with chain mail?

I mean...

Okay.

Let's let.

Actually, the people of the Impish Armory...

Is it?

Well, the Impish Armory is where we all are now.

This audience is a little little more bought in than you are, John.

But before we get past it, I do want to say: isn't that always the way?

When someone says chainmail, and you're probably thinking, I don't know, that's a little uncomfortable.

But then like four people say, ooh, and you're like, maybe I should start wearing chainmail.

I'd say chainmail top.

Maybe like some leather shorts.

Okay.

Does that sound fun?

Yeah.

No.

wait, did you say leather?

Did you say leather shorts?

Yeah, leather shorts, leather shorts.

So this is the sweat can just escape.

Yeah,

well, we could do like

knee-high chaps.

Someone said we could do chaps, chaps.

I like this.

I actually like the impish armory quite a bit.

We can do chaps now.

Arnie, there's two types of chaps.

Okay.

Assless

and classless.

Classless.

It's like, oh, there's a.

You can't see that gentleman's ass.

No class.

There's a few horse butt stickers in Foon that say stuff like, if you're not shown ass, you don't have class.

Sure, sure.

Horse butt stickers?

Yeah, you know the stickers you put on the butt of your horse?

Sure.

Am I crazy?

Is there one?

So what are some of the most I'll start

So would a horse butt sticker be something like if you can read this you're too close to my horse's butt

I Think you meant to say rumper stickers rumper stickers, yes

It sucks that Usidor could only swing by for one moment.

I know.

Bye, Usidor.

Yep.

Wait, where was he standing?

He was around here somewhere.

Oh, looking for hair?

Shit.

Usually he's leaving that hair everywhere.

Fuck.

And Arnie, I lost the original.

Fuck.

I know.

I didn't want to say it at the time

because it's classless, not assless.

That wizard hair was real curly.

Like, it was incredibly long, like knee length, but curly.

Wizard hair is wizard hair.

Wizard hair is wizard hair.

So

give me two rumper stickers.

Sure.

Two rumper stickers.

Thank you, Isidor, would be

my other horse.

My other horse is a bigger horse.

Okay.

And then have I already said, if you're not assless, you're classless?

Uh you have said it.

I said that one.

Yeah, yeah, but not in in rumper sticker form.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, honk, if you're...

Horsey?

Horsey.

I mean, we're going to start printing those.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Why the long butt?

Why the long butt?

Exactly.

Yeah.

This seems like a perfect time to keep you sitting waiting about five more minutes.

Yes.

Arnie, are these little moons on your pants?

You know what?

Actually, I think they're cookies.

Oh.

They're assorted types of cookies and a carton of milk and a bottle of milk.

And they're all sort of smiling, but they also have very rosy cheeks like they have a secret.

Oh.

But a cute secret.

They're like, nobody knows what I know.

And Arnie, you said on earth that milk cartons are the number one way to find missing kids.

Absolutely.

Wow.

Absolutely.

Fascinating.

Yeah.

Besides, although,

that might be second place is probably Apple Watch now.

Just tracking them.

Yeah.

Technology, basically.

Absolutely.

Huge pivot to something else.

I like that you're just scanning my pants being like, what else?

What other material?

I'm mostly looking for wizard hairs, but...

Oh, there are some.

Yeah.

Oh, Arnie, I couldn't find the bar at the Impish Armory.

Oh.

Chunt.

Do you have an...

I know sometimes you'll have beer in your pants.

Do you bring any beer?

I didn't bring any beer.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Okay.

No.

Great.

Now I got to pay for a microphone.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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A family member, a hairdresser, a wizard, maybe a talking badger.

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Well, while you deal with crippling sobriety,

I am going to introduce my other co-host.

You all know his name.

Some of you might know all of it.

Usur the Wizard.

I am Usador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Taracas.

The elves know me as Fion Yalak.

Fangiyali.

The dwarves know me as Zonan and Ookstanges.

And I am known throughout the northeast as Gasmanius Maystar.

But know, know this, friend.

There are secret names.

Names that I would ne'er dare let escape mine lips, for they are of such great power that most assuredly, even if you thought of it for a moment, your eyeballs would turn into two stones.

Those stones would turn into two eggs.

Those eggs would hatch, and inside them,

two new eyeballs.

Whoa.

Same eyeballs as before?

Two new eyeballs.

Oh.

So eyeballs to stones to eggs to hatch to eyeballs?

That's why I won't say the name.

Okay.

Can you imagine a fate more dastardly?

That someone would have new eyeballs after having stones and eggs in their eye sockets when hence they had other eyes and everything would look exactly the same, but everyone would see there and be like, you did something with your hair.

What's different about you?

And they'd have to say, well, my eyeballs turned into stones and then eggs and then different eyes.

And then they would say, you are a demon and I cast you out.

What are you two doing here?

What are we doing here?

Yes, I'm at the Impish Armory today to procure a lance.

For Yusador has been tasked with slaying a dragon.

Is there a dragon problem around here?

Yes.

Oh, a terrible one.

There's a terrible dragon who lives up on the hill outside of town next to the Impish Armory.

And it's

incumbent upon me to now now strike down this dragon to make sure that all can live peacefully and happily.

And I shall do it too.

Just you watch.

I'm going to get a lance.

Whoa.

I'm going to stab that guy right in the eye.

But I guess I'll do the podcast first, whatever.

So you're in town to slay a dragon, and it just happens to be a coincidence that we're doing a show right now.

I did not know you were here.

That seems like lazy writing.

Well, I

did suspect that you were here because I was following you and I got up pretty close behind your horse and I read the rumper sticker that said if you can read this a horse is about to shit on you

that's good and

that well did the horse shit on you oh oh yeah

yeah

oh I thought you meant there was more to the bumper sticker no that it was a prediction that did come true

this isn't a rumper sticker thing and this is honestly I'm gonna gonna be honest it's a waste of time for me to tell this story but I'm going to anyway oh perfect but that's what this whole show's been for 10 years

whoa now's the time to hit the bar the bumper sticker that the but on my world they're called bumper stickers they're put on the back of cars or they used to be and one of the is there a bump there uh

kind of it's like a bumper so if you get bumped

If you get bumped

stay bumped?

Oh.

Yeah.

So you would put a sticker on there, and one I saw said

it was on like a VW bug or something, which is a car.

I know it doesn't sound like it.

Wait, is it a bug or a car?

Bugs or cars?

It's named after a bug.

So a bug's life is a car's life?

Then what's cars, Arnie?

What's cars?

You can't tell us about all these famous Earth movies and then change the rules.

That's true.

And why did they go to university after they'd already been monsters for a while?

But, Arnie, tell us again about Cars Bunny.

cars bunny.

Oh, sorry.

I guess I'm just using your rule bugs bunny.

Oh

Well, a cars bunny is a car you put a wig on that car and it's sexy

So I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said The Beatles didn't need a website to become famous.

Wait, hold on.

Beetles are.

I want to say bugs.

But I guess Beatles are cars.

Beetles is a band.

Beetles is bugs, but Beatles is also a band if you spell it differently.

But spiders make webs.

Spiders make webs.

Not Beatles.

No, so that's.

Are you sure you want to tell this story?

Bugs are cars, but Beatles are bands.

Bugs are cars, Beetles are bands.

Assless are classless.

So, yeah, so the Beatles didn't need a website to become famous, and I always thought that's the most bumper sticker-y bumper sticker I've ever seen.

I like that.

Arnie, just so you know, I found a hair.

It's not you, Sidor's,

but I found a hair.

Uh-huh.

Also, someone

brought us beers.

Oh.

Who was that person person who brought us beers?

Oh, thank you.

Scream your name and nothing but your name.

Amy.

Amy.

I've said that so many times.

Gramacies to the Amy.

These beers shall be consumed with speed and great fervor.

They're called High Neighbor.

High neighbor?

Or wait, no, they're called Nara Gaza.

They're called High Neighbor.

I'll take your word for it.

Wow, Arnie, have you ever met an Amy?

Oh, wait, we have poop stools?

What's that?

Poop stools.

I know that's redundant.

Hell yeah, Arnie, hell yeah.

Yes.

That makes this so much easier.

Yes.

These stools have...

I'm trying to think of the right wording.

Anus-located hole?

Jesus, that's what you were hemming and hawing about?

Well, the first thing that came to my mind was anus-sized hole, and I'm like, that is not what I mean to say.

Goddesses, please,

while they are distracted by these poopholes,

let any stray hair that has fallen off mine head please find its way back to me.

The great destructive power of one single strand of mine hair.

Left in the wrong hands would be a most dastardly thing.

So please, if a stray hair has gone away, please, goddesses, let it find its way back to me.

How?

Tell me about the stools.

Oh, we're way past that.

What?

That was like 10 minutes ago.

Oh, Arnie, I forgot to mention, I always say this out loud, but I know you edited out of the podcast.

Anyone listening can always email us at chuntwith6tees at gmail.com.

That's chuntwith6xtees at gmail.com.

Of course, if you email us now, we may not see it till later, but always

worth a try.

Yeah, always worth a try.

Oh, Arnie, who's our guest tonight?

Oh, shit.

Usidor, Chun.

Fine, I'll do it.

Do you think the people in the tavern have noticed there's only three

anus stools?

Probably.

Look,

I fucked up.

I thought I knew people around here.

Apparently, I know less people around here than I thought I did.

So I didn't get us a guest, but that just means more of us.

That just means

it's

Boys Nights!

Boys Nights!

Boys Night!

Boys Nights!

Oh wait, I gotta say it like I'm lifting a box.

Boys Nights!

Yeah!

Do that again, Orna.

Yeah!

Are you sure

really tried to book a guest?

I think you might be lying.

I can't stand it.

I know you planned it.

So you said we're

sabotage.

Wait, what?

Shit.

I say sabotage.

This is why I like to sometimes do this show on the road because when we just do it at home, aka in the studio, we don't have someone over on the side that'll go, oh, sabotage.

That's what you're talking about.

It's nice to be heard.

Oh,

you know, it's dumb, never mind.

Okay, he said, never mind.

He said it was dumb, and he said, never mind, don't look at it.

But Usidor, he's giving us ask-me-eyes.

Oh.

Oh, yes, the subtlety of your mortal interactions.

How they confound and bore me.

Fine, Chunt, what is it?

Please tell us.

Yes, the ask me eyes never fail.

Is that what you said?

Yeah, ask me eyes.

I thought maybe.

Which is much.

No, I'm not.

I had a joke, but I

had the exact same idea.

But the fuck-me-eyes aren't working as well, right?

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

We were definitely thinking the same thing.

You know, I thought, Arnie, I don't think we've done this before, but I thought it might be fun

to

summon some stuff from Earth to make you feel a little less homesick.

It's a very powerful heart spell to do.

I know Usidor hates to be asked, but I feel like this is one time we could call in a favor.

It is true.

It is a great burden upon me to ask me to ply my magical prowess here.

No, I'd love to do it.

Let's do it.

Perfect.

I have an item I found in your car, Arnie, years and years ago that I've saved just in case we need some sort of conduit between worlds.

Let me grab it real quick.

Great.

Just put it.

Yeah.

Just put that.

Don't forget you put that there, though.

Don't forget you put that mic there.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

People will be like, I don't know what happened in the second half of that show.

But Chun's audio sounded like ass.

Thank you.

I was thinking about it getting a rumper sticker that just had a big equal sign on it.

Have you thought about spelling it out?

It's a good idea, but I'd have to come up with a way for it to be made of symbols that only mean something to people here on Foon.

Are there symbols that mean equality or justice or?

Of course.

Of course.

There are many peaceful sigils that can be

displayed on your person here.

One of the most famous

peaceful symbols, it's not even really peaceful as much as it's like benign

is a big pink shirt.

Oh.

It means sort of benign, sort of peaceful, sort of,

you know, lazy.

Lazy.

Doughy.

Sure.

Tired.

Yeah.

I feel like I should be offended, but I see it.

Arnie, does this look familiar?

Oh my goodness, my missing Walgreens bag.

Yeah, I found it in your glove compartments all those years ago, and I've hung on to it.

Yes, as we can see, the bag is completely empty.

Whoa.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

So I'll set it right here.

You situr, if you want to start your spell, I know it requires some moaning.

Just some.

Yeah.

Is there anything the other people in the tavern can do to help you with this spell?

Of course.

If everyone could moan along with me.

Moan along

with me.

Gross.

Okay.

Whoa.

Oh, I am nearly spent.

Oh, just kidding.

I have so much fucking fucking magic, you won't even fucking believe it.

Arnie, what is it?

I'm going to be,

sincerely, I have not seen anything that is going to be pulled out of this bag before, including a tabloid newspaper, The Star, from January 19th, 1982.

Whoa, some people were born that year.

The top story is lose lose 10 pounds of holiday fat in one week.

Rude, bag.

Rude.

But then also,

big headline, how Princess Dai wears pants in the palace.

Ooh.

What a scandal.

A beautiful princess wearing pants.

In the palace, she must be royal, which means they're assless.

Oh, yeah.

All right, I'm only going to read one more thing.

Artie, is this the type of thing that, I don't know, on Earth you might walk back from a Walgreens and there might be a bunch of shit on the sidewalk out that says take for free?

Is that the kind of thing that might be that?

Probably, yes, but I'm going to need more details.

I don't know.

I'm not from Earth.

So you're saying hypothetically, if I went to a Walgreens, any Walgreens,

and bought some stuff and put it in a bag, but when I was leaving the Walgreens, there was like a weird yard sale that

hopefully wasn't like a needful things situation where you're

getting cursed old items.

I wouldn't even say yard sale.

I'd say pile of shit with a sign that says take.

And then the person walking past probably saw a picture of that woman and went, what the fuck?

How could that person possibly be in the news?

The thing that makes me wonder is

why didn't they put it outside in the last 42 years prior to this?

Oh, maybe it's cursed.

Somebody did yell sabotage.

Do we think the dragon that you're gonna lance later got to the area first and laid a trap?

It's very possible.

We must be very careful, for the dragon may be listening to us even now,

planning a way to avoid my evisceration.

But I shall find a way to o'ercome and strike it down and keep all the children, and women, and men, and dwarves, and elves, and tree people, and dogs, and most of the cats safe here in Foon.

Some cats I cannot save.

Ah, there I've admitted it.

It is my greatest shame.

My God.

Can you feel all the intricate plot threads moving towards a satisfying conclusion?

At the end of the show, that will definitely happen.

Whoa, the bag's still moving.

You see.

Okay, I got it.

What the fuck?

Hang on.

Fuck, Arnie.

More hair.

It's back.

I need that.

I need that.

I need that.

This is a friend's pube.

Oh, okay.

Friends pube?

That's a tavern we almost went to.

Oh, the friend's pube.

It's a public bar.

Yeah, it's a pubic house.

Yeah, or pub.

Yeah.

Pube, as they call it.

Dinka di dicka dinka dinka dinka dickadoo.

Doodle dipped.

Okay,

we have here a new, oh, a new garment.

Arnie, finally, something new for you to wear.

Whoa.

It is a red t-shirt that says Boston Red Sox.

Whoa, Arnie.

Arnie, hold it up just like you did so everyone can read it.

Oh, never mind.

Everyone in here is shocked.

They've never seen this before.

And Arnie, you said on Earth the Venny diagram between people who love fantasy and people who love Major League Baseball is almost a complete circle.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'll be honest, there is a very slim overlap, and none of them know each other.

I get it now.

Red socks.

Oh

Arnie, put on the t-shirt.

Put on the t-shirt.

This t-shirt.

You just mentioned a new, you wanted a new wardrobe?

I'll try.

Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, Arnie.

And this will make you super popular when you get back home to Chicago.

Yes.

Damn, Artie, you've got

not guns.

I don't know what those are.

Knives!

You've got big old knives.

I've got socks in all the right places.

I hope there are more shirts in there.

But you reach in this time, but I'll cast the spell.

Okay.

ta un da tinka hula ho ho ho solo ha ha

whoa

one mixed pleasures adventure pack

oh sorry sorry I must have dropped that in there

I think I think I just dropped that in there I think get wet I heard it again yeah

Doritos.

Precious gold.

Whoa, Arnie.

Whoa, it is gold.

Golden sriracha Doritos.

Wait, who?

Golden who?

Golden sriracha.

Oh, sriracha.

Is he here?

Sriracha is both tangy and sweet.

Yeah, he's a knight.

Yeah.

All knights are tangy and sweet, dangerous and delicious.

Are you telling me that in the earth year 2025 a bag is explaining sriracha

stop bag explaining

our si fuck those sriracha chips

what could this sriracha be jesus

jesus christ

whoa arnie

we got you a rumper sticker A rumper sticker?

Yeah, do you promise whatever this says to put it on your butt?

Yes.

I think you mean to say yes.

Arnie, Arnie, let me make it fair.

Let me make it fair.

Amy, where's Amy?

Amy, is it okay if Arnie wears this on his rump?

Okay.

Arnie, it's a sticker.

Why don't you read what it says?

All right, the sticker says feed me tacos and tell me I'm pretty

wow let's open this up and get under your ass right away

Arnie Walgreens really does have everything

rumper sticker hey chunt well

rumper sticker

Rumper sticker

feed me tacos call me pretty feed me tacos, call me pretty.

Feed me tacos, call me pretty.

Chunt, where are you planning to sleep tonight?

What would you say?

Where are you planning to sleep tonight?

I hadn't thought that far ahead.

I guess...

I guess I'll find like a stranger's tummy, I guess.

A stranger?

Yeah.

I don't want to burden you with too tangy.

I don't want to terrify you with a rhyme so callous and terrifying that it may chill you to the very bone.

But have you ever heard of stranger danger?

Whoa, what?

I would not advise you to sleep upon the stomach.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I would everything stop.

Everything stop.

Everything stop.

I have never felt more defeated in my life.

Oh, hey, buddy.

I

swear.

Jucidor, let's help Arnie with his sticker.

I cannot, this whole time, I've been trying to get it off.

If you get it off, I'm going to be so mad.

It's impossible.

No, hold on.

I made fun of you pretty hard.

I need to do this.

And we're sure it's a sticker.

It's crazy.

It's like some devious trap where someone's like, you'll feel pretty, but we'll make it impossible to get this sticker off.

Okay.

Nope, it was Arnie.

Usur, are you saying that some strangers could potentially cause danger?

I would not advise thee to sleep upon the stomach of any stranger.

And this goes for all of you tonight here at the Impish Armory.

If you are about to sleep upon someone's stomach, make sure you know them first or they've bought you dinner.

Usur, would you rather someone sleeps on your stomach or in your hair or on your face?

Well, on my face, obviously.

Yeah.

Okay.

Arnie, how does it feel to have a rumper?

It feels okay.

Okay, people have asked, that's all I was waiting for.

I just needed one person to say, show us.

All right.

Okay, so here's what my sticker looks like on my butt.

Whoa, Arnie.

I saw so many phones come out.

Give us a twirl.

Looking good.

If you're listening at home later,

the visuals are all bad.

Like, not.

Like, I look great, but just on the visual component of this show, if you're getting angry about what you've missed, do not.

Be angry you weren't here in such wonderful company, but the visuals, no.

Oh, that reminds me, Ani.

Now that you've got that sticker you might want to hang on to these.

Okay, so...

Boys Knights!

Boys Knight!

Here are some of the possible mixed pleasures in this adventure pack.

And Arnie, is this like mixed nuts?

Great movie.

Close.

So close.

Close to the nuts.

Ooh.

So the mixed pleasures in this adventure pack of condoms include something called vanish.

Whoa, you sidor.

It's like make it disappear.

Now you see it, now you don't.

That seems, I don't know, unethical.

I know.

I think if I put a condom on my dick and it disappears, that's kind of hot.

Also, if you're wearing a condom, don't you want it to vanish?

Well, sure.

No, I meant, never mind.

I know, I know.

Super studs

and,

yeah, all right.

And glowing.

Why isn't that the name of this show?

Superstuds?

That's Arnie.

That's Junt.

That's Usidor.

And we're Superstuds.

All right, I am going to do something unprecedented, but I need a little help from our sound person who I would not I would not blame him if he wasn't paying attention

I am going to go off stage and start the show again

all right

should we all do it

it's up to you if you want to yeah let's start let's start over I've been asking do this for ages

And I think if everyone could just start chanting studs, studs, studs.

And we're back live during a flex alert.

Dialed in on the thermostat.

Oh, we're pre-cooling before 4 p.m., folks.

And that's the end of the third.

Time to set it back to 78 from 4 to 9 p.m.

Clutch move by the home team.

What's the game plan from here on out?

Laundry?

Not today.

Dishwasher?

Sidelined.

What a performance by Team California.

The power truly is ours.

During a flex alert, pre-cool, power down, and let's beat the heat together.

Welcome to Superstuds.

All right, everyone here that's a stud, say, woo!

Everyone that's a super stud, say, woo-woo!

If you weren't that into it, just say, okay.

A couple, that's fair.

I am joined by my other super studs, Chun and Usidor.

Wow.

When we were, I'll say, off stage and everyone in the tavern was, we were gone and everyone in the tavern was chanting studs, studs, studs, I had the thought,

what if we left right now?

Like, I don't want to, but on some level,

have.

Like, how long would it take people to figure it out?

There's how would they feel about it?

One person at midnight.

Studs, studs, studs.

And then one friend will turn to a friend and be like, that's when you fucking get with super studs.

That's what you get with super studs.

Of course, our catchphrase is: you put the you in STDs.

Yeah, no, that's right.

Today on Super Studs, we don't have a guest, so let's do a

something from the bag.

The stud bag.

Zippity zap!

Studs night!

Okay,

well, I've heard tales, but you have brought me the most cursed thing from Earth, something called skibbity toilet.

Whoa!

Arnie, what is it?

Not only

is...

I've never seen Arnie like this.

It's a skibbity toilet mystery minifigure.

And this is the part that's very ambitious.

Series one.

A mystery.

A mystery to be solved.

And now the people of Earth have called upon Usidor to figure out what mystery lies within this package.

What shall it be next?

Oh no.

Studs, studs, studs, studs, studs, studs.

Studs, studs, studs, studs, studs, studs, studs, studs.

Welcome to studs.

Can you open packaging meant for children?

Someone in the tavern

has scissors?

Who let you in here with scissors?

Arrest them!

Arrest them!

I truly thought they yelled, do you need stickers?

And I was like,

baby,

if opening a sticker opens this, Arnie's fucked.

The two things he can't open.

Listeners at home, Arnie has successfully opened the package.

The mystery is about to be solved.

All right, Arnie, Arnie, how rich are we?

Okay.

I apologize in advance.

I'm making a mess.

So we have a figurine of a toilet

with a head coming out of it.

Sort of looks like, and I don't want to explain this, sort of looks like Mr.

Beast.

I know Mr.

Beast.

I slayed him last week.

He was at the bottom of the hill below the armory

and he was he brought a bunch of people there to put on a big play and he didn't pay them enough so the town had me kill him.

But

we'll always remember him because of his candy bars.

Arnie, there's a guy named Teddy Toilet in Foon.

Teddy Toilet?

Yeah, he eats your shit and piss.

What have you been doing with your shit and piss?

Yeah, where did you think it went?

Teddy Toilet.

So wait, does he eat it?

Does he eat it out of the toilet?

Ew, Arnie.

No.

You think he's hovering underneath your butt waiting to get shit in?

No, he scoops it out later, puts it in the fridge, takes it out, heats it up, and eats it.

If he's not hovering under my toilet, who was that?

I don't know.

might have been Petey Pervert that's true Pete Pervert yeah that's Teddy's cousin Teddy's cousin yeah Teddy just collects it later and makes an acer roll

you get the figurine

that's the worst thing I've ever seen

is there anything else can I feel beyond the

realms in beyond the dimensions and pull one more thing out?

Eratur claims,

studs, studs, studs, studs, studs, studs, studs, studs.

Push-ups, push-ups are happening.

Oh,

so I believe it's a Dunkin' Donuts bag, but from behind I thought you just picked up a prescription.

It's like, ooh, what's in there?

I've been in this world for a decade.

I need some drugs I need to refill.

Arnie, here's the rest of the stuff.

It seems like a sticker book,

some M and M's,

some nuts, get nuts, hot nuts, aloofa,

something called the Somerville Highlanders.

Wait, wait, hold on.

There cannot be that many Somerville Highlanders.

Well, there could probably be, what, two?

I'm sure that's probably a joke all of you have heard before, but I imagine there can only be one.

Yes.

Also, have we ever told you about Senior Mintz?

This must be his son.

Yes.

Do you think Junior Mintz is like, please, Senior Mintz is my father?

Call me Junior Mintz.

Arnie, what's a Dunkin' Donuts?

This is part of the stuff you found on the side of the road, right?

You sir, do you know how jarring it was to look up and see you in that baseball game?

Oh, God.

Hold on, hold on.

I usually don't do this.

I got to take a picture.

You sir, give a signal for me to steal first.

Whoa, hold on.

I don't.

Depending on where in that gesture I caught the photo.

All right.

Thank you.

That was for us.

Arnie, what is a Dunkin' Donut?

A Dunkin' Donut?

Did someone say dunk diet?

A Dunkin' Donut is a very popular chain of doughnut restaurants.

Whoa, so you sit down and eat them with like a knife and fork and you have a waiter?

No, you drive by them and someone like reaches out into your car and gives you a donut.

Oh.

Didn't you say that your your two best bros back on earth, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, go there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

But you said they also love them apples?

Exactly.

But what are you going to do about them?

I don't know.

Eat them.

There are.

How about these apples?

Whoa, everyone, look under your chair.

Sorry, I thought I was going to conjure a bunch of apples.

Guys.

Oh, too late for donuts?

Sorry, are we boring you?

Sorry, Arnie.

Are a couple of studs not super enough for you?

Yeah, I looked at my menu.

I'm like, shit, I've got a dinner reservation.

Oh, Dunkin' Donuts.

Yeah, I think there are only two donuts in here.

Whoa.

Did someone yell fight?

Wait, you can't split these donuts?

I think

one for my good friend Chunt.

Aww.

And one for my good friend Usidor.

Aww.

And I'll just eat like the M ⁇ Ms or something.

Wow, I guess we probably only summoned two donuts because the rest of this stuff was $68.

No.

You

couldn't quite get there, could you?

When you saw that, were you like, Fuck, fuck!

I imagine you were more mad than you've been in your entire life.

I was like, is anything a dollar?

And they go, nope.

Should I have this one, Chunt, or would you like?

I think so.

It looks like a puckered butthole.

Oh, perfect.

Oh, no, there's red cream.

Oh, no.

Should we put some fresh H on that?

So I was looking at my watch because I just wanted to make sure, because I know we're going to tie up all the loose threads.

I just wanted to make sure that we had.

all right

I gotta take another picture

it would suck if anyone's mother-in-law was here

Anyone's

you know what we usually cut it out, but every show, Chung comes out and says, There better not be any fucking mother-in-laws in this place

to anybody.

Yeah, pretty good.

Pretty good.

I guess I'm done.

No, no, thank you.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

But thank you.

So use it around that dragon.

I have defeated it.

Whoa.

It was that easy.

I came here to the armory in the hopes of procuring a lance that would help me defeat the dragon once and for all.

But instead, I thought, this is not the way of the wizard.

This is the way of the knight.

The way of the wizard is to dissect thine enemy slowly, transforming it bit by bit, tearing it apart, pulling it through a dimensional rift, transforming it into other things, pulling it out of a Walgreens bag, into Detroitists from another universe.

The dragon was all the stuff we pulled out of the bag.

Wow.

Studs nudes?

Studs nude!

I'm wearing that motherfucker on my head right now

and eating his little star asshole.

I am indeed the greatest wizard of our age

and the greatest little league coach.

Yes.

User, Usor, I know we're almost out of time, but Could you give us all a pep talk?

Oates, everyone take a knee.

Just me?

Just you.

I just wanted to say to all of you, I am so proud of what you did out there today.

It does not matter if you win or lose, as long as you win.

I believe that every one of you participated to the best of your ability, except for you.

What's your name?

I'm pointing at you.

What's your name?

Yes, you.

Yes.

What's your name?

What's your name?

What is it?

Abby.

Try harder next time, Abby.

But everyone else is going, everyone but Abby gets a participation trophy today.

And when I say everyone, I mean like three of you.

I just want to say, I want to add to that, if you don't mind, coach.

Yeah, that's how coaching works.

I want to say, I want to call out good work.

I want to say

good work to the royalty in the Burger King crowns over here.

Good work to the other royalty, also in the Burger King crowns, a little further back.

Good work to the dude in the limited edition 10th anniversary magic tavern shirt.

Probably one of three people to ever buy one.

Whoa, those really are a limited edition.

Good work to the elf with the scissors.

Good work to the either.

I would thought at first bunnies, but I'm guessing mice.

Good work to the mother-in-law.

Good work to Sage GC, who edits a lot of our best episodes and is here in the audience.

Good work to the little ears, the white ears.

Whatever.

I I can't see what's going on there.

Pretend I'm a moose.

Good job, moose.

Wink, wink.

And most importantly,

good work to you, Chunt.

Me, me?

That's right.

And good work to you, Arnie.

I don't say this often enough, but I'm proud of you.

Whoa, thanks, Dad.

You sador.

Which means a lot to you.

My acceptance and and my praise is all you've sought for the past 10 years,

as the most influential and important person in your lives.

You often, you often speak for many minutes before I join the show, and I imagine during that time, you're talking about me.

I've got to say, that was not landing for me, but I sense for a few people in the audience, it was really getting them there.

And we weren't talking about you.

We were talking about your pubes.

There's a difference.

What?

Do you have some of my stray pubes?

Stupid.

Do you realize the power of stray?

Yes, they've been living on the streets.

They need shelter and protection, for they contain great power.

Wait, hold on.

Do you send your pubes out to like gather information and then at a pivotal moment you're like, to me, pubes?

Arnie.

I may have just tongued a chocolate butthole, but that's disgusting.

It wasn't me, it was the shirt.

Okay.

Show that ass again.

Whoa, someone's got a fucking mess to clean up.

Me.

Yeah.

Well, now that the dragon is slain and all is returned to peace here at the Impish Armory,

I suppose we should call it an evening, Ani.

What do you say?

Or do we have some emails to read?

We have some emails if we want to read them.

Let's read one.

Let's read one email.

Let's read one email.

And also, I know we've all spent a lot of time talking about Usidor in this hat, but Usidor wearing this hat and holding that tall boy of beer.

Studs, studs, studs, studs.

Whoa.

Whoa.

That was the worst thing I've ever done.

You crush it on your head and it looks like you did genuine damage to yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's gonna hurt.

Let's see.

This is from Alexander.

Says, to my boon companions.

Looking to plan my own little boy's night.

I think I know what Alexander meant, but there's got to be a better way to phrase that.

This is why you shouldn't let AI write your emails.

Looking to plan my own little boy's night with three mass holes.

Arnie, what's a mass hole?

It's...

Yeah, it's like an asshole, but with a bigger mass.

Looking at Plan My Little Boys Night with three mass holes.

Yes, we all have three in New England.

Whoa, three buttholes, three mass holes.

Sorry.

What's a good

Morglorp strain you'd recommend for quality nights

of Tom Foolery?

Hold on.

You're going to gather a bunch of little boys and give them drugs?

No.

Alexander is, and let me read his email address out loud.

From your pals, Alex, Nick, and Ryan, the three lads wearing pink polos and Burger King crowns.

Oh.

All right, we got him.

We got him.

Go, go, go, go, go.

I like how the other group in the Burger King crowns are like, not us.

Whoa, that bisexual lighting means it's time.

Two things.

two things one try instead of regular mayonnaise avocado oil mayonnaise

second if you decide to crush a can on your head don't put the tab side toward your head

well you sir do you have a new tattoo

that's right

on my forehead

and as I lose blood

pouring from my forehead well you know where it's going and the sun doth begin to set We shall say our goodbyes.

Arnie, the sun's not setting.

As I slip in and out of consciousness.

Well, yeah, yes, you are.

Let's.

Usidor and I, Arnie, let me go over by Usidor.

Arnie, Usidor and I have been working on a little something.

Anyone want a tongue donut?

Usidor, I have been working on a little something to end the show.

So

long

farewell,

Advider, saying goodbye.

Where the fake am I going?

And heave

a sigh and say goodbye.

What is Usidor doing?

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Good night

and goodbye.

Arnie, I've been sitting here the whole time.

I don't know what's wrong with you.

I know.

I know.

Although,

you've got to take, I mean, you sort of smart in one way.

If you're going to have a psychotic

if you're going to have a psychotic break, use it as a way to get off the stage.

Well, in that case, so long

farewell, a something, something by.

I wish you could see your friend Adol Refi.

I want to thank everyone so, so much for coming out and seeing us.

And as I go,

please, will you all chant studs, studs, studs, studs?

Thank you so much!

Hey, hello for the Magic Tabernel!

My takeaway from what I just heard is that whenever someone decided to leave the stage, the audience applauded.

Remember at the top when I said there was a visual component to this live show?

Apparently, that was mostly our heroes pulling garbage out of a Walgreens bag.

So you could say a visual representation of what you've come to expect from us.

But if you'd still like to see the pictures, link to the unlocked Patreon page in the show notes.

User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Special thanks to everyone at Arts at the Armory.

If you think you're the kind of person who would like a super studs t-shirt, hoodie, sticker, or mug, there's a link to our dashery store in the show notes.

Tickets are still available for the upcoming Magic Tavern Live shows in Charlotte, North Carolina on September 27th and Richmond, Virginia on September 28th.

What will the people who attend those shows be forced to chant?

Apparently the Charlotte show will include special guest Megan O'Neill as Princess Trachia Aurelia Bellaroth.

Link in the show notes for info and tickets.

Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus where Joey Bland and Brooke Bright play sorcerers.

Nobody hands us a silver spoon except for my rich father, the Baron of Castlette Foyer.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I didn't get anything handed to me.

I just grew up, you know, riding around on the plains, trying to keep up with a bunch of centaurs, running as fast as I could with my two legs.

And I just worked many different jobs, taking night magic school, just a single mom trying to make her way through this crazy world.

Ethel, I think you've worked harder than any of us, honestly, and I want to recognize the labor you've done.

I don't need the validation.

That's the last thing Ethel needs.

She goes home, looks herself in the mirror, and says, You did it.

God, that one time you

brought your resume at one of our meetings, that's like six pages.

Yeah, they told me I need to cut that down because nobody's going to read all six pages.

You got to catch them in the first line, like really catch them in there.

But there's just, I don't even know where to start.

I honestly,

I don't want to work anymore.

I just want a sorcerer.

This finally answers that riddle: when is a bonus a burden?

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer, Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

So I've been thinking, we see each other every day.

I know you're passionate about me.

I mean, let's be honest.

You're obsessed with me.

It's time.

Let's put a label on it.

Your brand is ready for the next step.

At Avery, we make it easy to make it official with labels, stickers, and business cards that ensure your brand is more than a one-time thing.

It's the real thing.

Avery, ideas stick here.