Season 5, Ep 72 - Fluff Bloodpants (w/ Josh Gondelman)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And not only that, it's not content to stay within the confines of the internet.

No, it's now wandering around the country, leaving a trail of confusion and unresolved plot points in its wake.

What I'm trying to say is tickets are still available for the upcoming Magic Tavern live shows in Charlotte, North Carolina on September 27th, and Richmond, Virginia, on September 28th.

Links for tickets are in the show notes.

Now, while you barricade your home, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Darnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten years and many months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Ruffled Feather, in McShingleshane Forest, on the outskirts of Hogsface in the magical land of Foon.

And I am joined, as always, by my co-host.

He loves to call me boss, Shunt the Talking Badger.

Hey, big guy.

Hey, hmm.

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good.

Hey, Arnie, I know I've said it a few times.

I just really want to check in and make sure that you know when I eventually go, which goddesses forbid,

that I am dropped off at stuffed perverts.

That is right.

You've made it clear that when you die, you want your body donated to perversion.

Well, to stuffed perverts, the taxider store with Jeans Hackman in the window.

Yes,

exactly.

And to be clear for people who didn't listen last week, Jeans Hackman

is a now-dead axe murderer who

you can't describe people as now dead.

That's insensitive.

Oh, what's the proper term?

I don't think you mentioned it at all.

Oh, you don't mention you.

Wait, you can't say if people are alive or dead?

Oh, you can say or you can subtly hint at it, but to lead with now dead sounds like some sort of coming attraction.

It's gauche, my dear boy.

You could say less corporeal than I previously believed them to be.

Now, that's tactful.

Thank you, Usidor.

Someone has some sense here.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm...

Am I entering my old cranky phase where I'm just sort of like, I want to be thoughtful,

but also, some of this stuff is a lot of work.

Arnie, you gotta put in the work.

Even for dead people?

Yes, especially for dead people.

They're the ones who would haunt us.

I mean, in this very booth, we had a ghost not too long ago.

That's true.

If people listened to a couple episodes ago, then what are the odds?

You know, I see dead people.

What?

Oh, you're dating again?

Yes, yes.

I decided to go out on a date for the ghost.

Ooh, very progressive.

How was that?

It was interesting.

We didn't have a lot in common.

She

was just sort of like wailing a lot.

Nice.

Shaking her chains, shaking her chains.

Okay.

Is it possible she needed help?

I don't think so.

I asked several times, as is my want.

You know, I was looking to do some good, and I was like, Do you need me to free you from these chains?

And she said, I forge these chains in life

by being a bad seamstress.

Oh, sure.

Which seems like a harsh.

You're moving a little fast.

I mean, you're saying, can I take your chains off?

Like, buy her dinner first.

That's true.

Yeah, or buy her a beer.

I have a recommendation.

It's a new beer called, It's Barley and Barley.

Ooh, it's so good.

Sounds good.

Yeah,

so good.

Well, I don't have much time for dating anyway,

but I'll get to that once I'm

once you're introduced.

Oh, so I thought you just said you were gonna say dead, but you were being too polite.

Oh, Arnie, Usidor wants us to introduce him to some of the other things.

Oh, sorry, shit.

I am also joined by my other co-host.

I am Usidor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of Trokus, the elves Nobius Fianyalik, the dwarves Nobi is Zonan and Hookstanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maestar.

And there are other names.

Names so secret that if I did e'er allow them to drip off mine tongue, then most assuredly, those very drips would become a tidal wave.

And that tidal wave would engulf the world.

Save it for the sexy ghost.

Yeah.

I would love to save it for a sexy ghost, but I have been hard to get.

Hold on, I'm so sorry to interrupt you yes this is very early to be doing this in the episode should that be your t-shirt oh save it for a sexy ghost a t-shirt with usidor saying save it for a sexy ghost i feel like that's just the thing we need to sell more than 10 t-shirts i i mean it's better than all the other bullshit t-shirts so i i'll take it Okay, so now in our dashery store, you can buy you for a limited time, you can buy a t-shirt where Usidor says, save it for a sexy ghost.

But I've been working diligently all week since I acquired the mystical item, the bleeding rose.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So I could cast a spell to make all the wizards fall in love with each other and end this terrible wizard conflict as they amass arms, preparing to go to war to lay waste to all of us.

Selfish bastards.

And E now,

they just build these monuments to themselves, and they don't even want to regulate anything.

It's a nightmare.

Buddy, buddy, buddy.

He rubs your shoulders.

You gotta relax.

You're so tense.

Because there's a lot going on right now.

I know, but you can't kill yourself to save the world.

Okay, okay.

But I can cast a love spell.

Yes.

With the bleeding rose, and I've already begun the incantation.

And there's blood everywhere, by the way.

There's blood everywhere.

This rose bleeds a lot.

But it's an excellent rose.

And it's going to help this spell be the most powerful love spell I've ever cast.

Oh, I see you actually have an encanter on the table here.

That's to let the spell breathe a little bit.

Yeah, you really want to, like, open it up and let the spell kind of.

Any incantation sort of breathe and

if that makes sense.

Yeah, be fancy.

I feel like fancy spells are wasted on me.

I can't tell the difference.

I agree.

Oh,

do a spell on Arnie.

We'll teach him how to really appreciate, really savor a nice spell.

Well, Ani,

let me see.

I'm going to, um, hmm.

Well, Chunt, do you have any ideas?

What should I do to Ani?

Yeah.

Uh, why don't we ask that squirrel at the bar?

Wait a minute.

Uh, pardon me.

Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold on.

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

Oh, shit.

Oh, he saw us.

He saw us.

I'm coming over.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

Oh,

what's up, guys?

Sloth the squirrel.

Sloth the squirrel.

Whoa, boy.

Sorry, it took me so long to get over here.

There is a lot of blood on the floor.

Oh, that's...

Yeah, that's my fault.

I apologize for that.

No, no, no.

Thank Thank you, Ashante.

I'll shante.

And it's kind of deep.

You sort of look now like you're wearing blood pants.

Yeah.

I got

people are really going to like my new style.

Ooh, fluff blood pants.

That has a nice ring to it, too.

That's pretty good.

Fluff blood pants.

That's pretty good.

That'd be a good vampire name if you are a vampire squirrel.

Who told you that?

That's full of whoever told you that's full of shit.

What?

I really reacted to that heavily.

Yeah, anybody reacted if they saw you get accused of being a vampire or not.

I'm not accusing you.

Okay.

I just said it'd be a good name if you were a vampire.

Yeah, which I'm not.

So a bad name.

Okay, so bad name.

But if you were.

But Fluff,

do you want to stop levitating two inches off the ground and sit down and be interviewed?

Yep.

Thank you.

I was waiting to be introduced.

I heard you guys across the bar.

I was like, they must be doing a podcast.

One of those guys got like a Dezus and Marrow amount of nicknames for himself.

Yeah, stop levitating.

Just what's up?

What's up, boys?

Sorry to catch your body.

It's good to see you.

It's been a while.

Been a while.

I've been on the lamb.

Oh, that's right.

Last time we saw you, you escaped from a bunch of scorpion cops trying to take you to prison.

Yep.

And I've been riding around on a fluffy little sheep ever since.

literally.

Oh, literally on the lamb.

What did you think, Arnie?

I assumed literally, immediately.

On my world, on the lamb is just an expression, I guess, for hiding out from the police.

I was doing that on top of a fluffy little sheep.

Oh, double meaning.

Double meaning.

What was in it for the sheep?

Well, we've developed quite a close bond.

I do the sheep's taxes.

Oh.

Nice.

Oh, Arnie, speaking of, have you done your taxes since you've been here?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Oh,

the

Iris will be after you.

Ancient demons that live underground.

The Iris come out once a year to collect money from everyone in Foon.

The dead and the living.

Yeah, I'm not supposed to say dead, though.

That's kind of a good idea.

Right, see?

Forgive me, Fluff.

I was saying dead so that Arnie could,

but I told him that you shouldn't say...

You know what I say?

What's that?

Mostly bones.

Yeah.

But I feel like you say that about the living, too.

Like, you're very bone-centered.

Yeah, well, I like those sweet, sweet bones.

Arnie, there's one certainty in life.

Taxes.

Don't say any other thing.

There's not another.

There's not another thing.

No, there's not another thing.

Mostly bones.

I like that.

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

Yeah.

So this sheep was okay with their taxes being done by like a escaped criminal.

Watch it.

That's not how I like to be identified.

Oh, I'm sorry, Flav.

How do you have to be?

Also, not convicted.

Do you think I'm just gonna consider myself an escape criminal because a bunch of extrajudicial scorpions decide I'm a criminal?

No way.

Yeah, I think they have to prove your guilt.

You shouldn't have to prove your innocence.

That's right.

That's uh I've been through the justice system in Foon,

and

it is

rigorous and it's grueling.

I mean, mean, you're definitely guilty, but they don't know that.

Yeah.

And legally, you can't say that.

Huh.

You're definitely.

I did the stuff.

You're definitely allegedly guilty.

Now we're talking.

Because I did all the stuff, but guilty means the court knows that.

Oh, I see.

I see.

Maybe I'm getting old, but there's a lot of things I just can't say anymore, and that makes me angry for some reason.

Ooh, Arnie Old is a little out of step.

Oh, I can't refer to myself as old?

I think almost mostly bones is the proper term.

Almost mostly bones is right.

Almost mostly bones.

Or amobo children.

Amobo?

Oh, yeah, amobo is probably the best.

Be like, ooh, look at the amobo over there.

And it sounds rude, but that is technically polite.

When people say amobo, I thought they were talking about like shirts that you get in the mail.

Hmm.

Huh.

But who knows why I would think that?

Oh, shit uses our army do you see that wild fluff just took out a blood nut and sucked it dry.

Whoa, I think he is a vampire.

Are you sure?

I look like a blood nut.

How do you know I'm blood nut vice?

You guys doing like an ASMR thing over there?

Yeah, yeah, it's part of our Patreon.

It's one of our

bonus episodes.

Well, I'm not a freak, so I won't listen.

Keep on keeping on.

Do you mind plugging your ears and giving some content?

Yeah, I'd prefer it.

Okay, whenever you're ready, just

want me to do some ear freak whispers.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's...

I guess that's the technical term, the proper term.

Yeah, just one or two sentences.

Sure.

My name's Fluff, and I'm here to whisper.

I love all the stuff that goes in my veggie crisper.

How's that?

How's that?

Perfect.

Incredible.

You've made it really good.

You think I'm making...

Now, what I go for when I'm doing that is like a 50-50 sleepy-horny ratio in anybody who's listening.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, I think that would give someone an erection as they nod it off.

That's the goal.

That's the dream.

Yeah, absolutely.

It's like,

I'm not even going to complete my thought about that.

I have to say that.

Say you're out of out of date terminology.

Yeah,

give us your amobo wisdom.

I mean, it's just good to kind of have a boner, but also know it's like you're like, I'm too asleep to do anything about it, right?

Just kind of like, that's kind of the perfect timing.

Yeah.

Catch some Z's, catch some B's.

These from owner.

Bees from owner, catch some bees.

Count sheep and also, you know,

yeah.

Uh, now Fluff, for no reason whatsoever, uh,

there's a blood nut

What about blood nut?

Do you have a blood nut?

Oh yeah, we need a blood nut for a spell.

You wouldn't drive.

I have a blood nut.

First I'm hearing of it.

Huh.

Yeah.

It's just if I had a blood nut I could fucking suck that blood nut nut and get all the blood out of it, right?

That sounds gross.

That's not something that I would be into at all.

You get to do all sorts of perversions.

So if you had a blood nut, you would not want to suck it dry.

If O.J.

Simpson did it, here's how we would solve it.

What are you talking about?

All right.

I'm just asking the questions that everyone else is afraid to ask.

That's true, and that's what a podcast is for.

All right, have we told you about O.J.

Simpson?

Yeah,

I don't know all the details, but he's an accomplice of Gene the Hackman.

Yes, exactly.

His name is OJ.

He simped for Gene's Hackman's son.

So he was a simp for his son.

Rode around on a beautiful kind of cream-colored horse.

That's him.

Yep, that's the guy I was talking about.

Oh, also rushed for, I would say, 3,400 yards.

Oh, yeah, he was so fast.

I am the best in the game.

It was wild because he was so fast just running, and then he got on that horse even faster.

He should raise the horse on the football field.

Is that allowed?

I've never seen anything like it.

It is if they don't catch you.

That's true.

That's kind of my whole deal lately.

Sure.

And it was sort of incredible to watch him run, get on the horse,

continue to run, and him running while he was seated on the horse made the horse faster.

Yes.

The horse was inspired.

It's like, man, if the boss guy is going this hard, I can't slack off.

Sure.

Arnie, you might have thought that horses are just faster than people.

He actually made the horse faster.

Wow.

He was also in the Naked Swords plays.

Have you ever seen those plays around town?

I've heard they're great.

Very good.

I feel like there's only one thing people don't like about the Naked Swords plays.

What is that?

The inclusion of O.J.

Simpson.

No, people love that guy around here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, he's so fast.

So fast.

Probably one of the fastest guys I've ever seen.

So going back a little bit, I don't even know what a blood nut is.

Sounds painful.

Yeah, it sounds real gross.

It's sort of like an acorn, but it's filled with blood and delicious blood.

What?

I said

liquid blood.

Oh,

yeah.

So, just clarifying that it's not frozen blood or somehow gaseous blood.

So, if you somehow subsisted on it, gaseous blood, one of the better boxers in film.

That's right.

Well, he

converted to Islam and changed his name, but

so you are kind of

mostly bones naming him.

Oh, sure.

Now, if you say subsisted on blood for some reason, and you came across a blood nut, you didn't want to, like...

Now, you're speaking in the second person.

Right, right.

Well, I'm explaining to Arnie.

Sure.

Oh, okay, okay.

Because he doesn't know what a blood nut is.

Yeah, sure.

That's right.

That's right.

Arnie, if you subsisted on blood for some reason.

You, Arnie.

Which I don't.

And if you didn't want to say, like, bite the neck of a maiden.

I don't.

Wow.

Or a handsome prince.

Because I could get into that, but.

You could collect blood nuts and just suck the blood out of the nuts instead.

So, you know, sometimes when creatures of the forest become vampiric, they subsist on blood nuts.

Yeah, I gotta say, when we do Chunt for Red October

every year, we get a lot of donations of blood nuts.

It's just sort of a more ethical way for people to hunt if they're vampires.

Yeah, usually around the end of October,

chunt for red October, and there's lots of extra blood nuts around then.

What do you think about that, Fluff?

I mean,

it sounds like you all are doing beautiful work for charity.

Trying to buy Chuck the submarine, I'm assuming

there are sandwiches usually.

Well, generally, what we're trying to do is to raise blood for needy vampires.

Oh, so

and just like curiously,

how does a vampire establish need

are they just like oh shit

Excellent question wait wait finish that thought what would they say?

Oh shit

That was the whole thing

that's I mean a lot of them and if they come up you know it's sort of um

oh boy you can kind of tell when a vampire's down on their luck

They tend to have less amulets.

You know, if you see a vampire with zero amulets,

you're like, probably need some free blood.

Good thing you know that's not what I'm dealing with, because I've got one amulet.

Oh, that's a nice amulet.

Beautiful amulet.

It's really nice.

Yeah.

Do you ever capture souls in that?

Or what's that happening?

It does look like there's something inside that amulet right now.

It's a picture of my mother.

Oh, she's sort of pounding on the inside of the amulet, trying to get out, see me.

She hates it in there.

She doesn't like it one bit.

Sure.

Huh, well, why don't we take a break and when we come back, we'll

maybe learn more about your relationship with your mother.

Okay, doctor.

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so fluff this is a safe space you know

hasn't been in the past oh i guess that's true we did now that i think about it last time we intentionally pulled you into a sting to get you arrested by those scorpion cops and i'll tell you what that made me feel unsafe yeah fair you know what i'm gonna say instead

choose your words carefully when talking to us i was gonna say the opposite this is a safe space you can share whatever there's no judgment here but i guess that's really not true.

Not at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stay on guard.

That's fluff style.

Also, the ruffled feather is not a safe place.

It's a very rough bar.

Flowers running it now, so it's even tougher.

You know, there's all sorts of ne'er-do-wells in here.

The floor is covered with just sweet blood.

Sweet blood?

Wet blood.

Oh,

wet blood.

Not solid blood, not gaseous blood, not some kind of colloidal blood.

Can't spell sweet without wet?

That's right.

I'm going to enchant some mops to clean that up, right?

What, you know, a sexy ghost?

They just sounded like a sexy ghost saying can't smell sweet without wet.

I'm like, okay, I'm listening, ghost.

Oh, because I've been seeing a ghost.

Whoa, that's like a superpower.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Yes,

I think he's been seeing a ghost romantically.

Whoa.

Most people that see a ghost, they got no Riz.

Sure.

They're just like, oh, there's a ghost.

I am Yusada, the great blue wizard, wizard, and I am 100% Riz.

You get that Wiz Riz, man.

I like to see it.

Oh, my god, it says, you gotta be a Rizard.

Usidor.

You gotta be Yusador the Rizard.

Is that a better t-shirt, honey, than the...

What was the other one?

A win-win for a sexy ghost.

I think the sexy ghost one is better, but what was the...

Yeah, I've already forgotten the new one.

Man, it doesn't matter.

Now, I suppose I should enchant these mops so that they'll start cleaning up the blood.

So let me just put on my

I'm gonna switch hats to my pointy hat with the stars on it.

Hmm.

Here come the mops, and they're sort of carrying buckets of water, which makes no sense.

And from the song, I can tell there, but there's probably spaghetti and meatballs in there.

Yeah, that's not going to help clean this up at all.

Oh, yeah, there's spaghetti everywhere now.

Oh, geez.

Spaghetti mixed in with the blood?

Yeah, the blood and the pasta sauce all mixed together.

Now who's gonna know is what?

It's like an orgy of flavor.

So sorry about that.

It's all my fault.

I apologize.

I should have known it was Bucket Spaghetti Wednesdays.

One of the best Wednesdays.

I mean, I hate to do an ad here for free, but if you ever want a bucket of spaghetti, just come to the Ruffled Feather on a Wednesday and we'll bucket you up with all the pasta and meatballs that you could handle.

There might be some blood in it, but hey, how often have you had pasta without blood in it?

Think about that.

That's right, health inspectors.

Oh, shit.

You sort of...

That reminds me.

We've had some sponsorship stuff that we have been neglecting.

What?

Because all year we're supposed to be sponsored by Mouse Shit and Ratcom.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, that's right.

The law firm?

No, actually,

it's a separate entity.

You're thinking of Mouse Shit and Ratcom Esquires.

This is literal just Mouse Shit and Ratcom.

Oh.

Who pays for that?

We all do.

Yeah.

Yeah, sounds like it.

We're paying for it right now.

Fluff, you've been in trouble with the law on and off a lot.

Mostly on.

Have you dealt with Matt Shit and Ralph?

Have you dealt.

Have you?

I can't.

Jonathan Mousechitz and

Matthew Ratcomb.

Yeah.

And daughters.

Oh, and daughters.

Their sons are.

They've got nothing going on.

Those daughters all went to law school.

And they're married to each other.

Bet you didn't see that coming.

Wait, hold on.

The daughters?

No, no, no.

Mouse shit, Jonathan Mouse Shit and Matthew Ratcomb.

They're partners and they're partners.

They're together.

They're partners.

They're legal partners.

They're romantic partners.

Romantic partners.

They had two daughters together, and they are also now lawyers in the firm that's correct and they're their sons i don't know what they're doing one of them says he's gonna like learn how to play bass

oh yeah

he doesn't even have a bass does he have any friends to like jam with or anything or is it just him out alone playing the bass his he's got a friend with big speakers

And then he's got like another guy that's not their friend, but he hangs out with them because they always have weeds to nibble up.

Oh, probably his age, right?

It's not like an older guy.

Not like an old scientist.

Oh, boy.

You are way off.

He is the oldest scientist I've ever seen.

He looks like he doesn't even know what sciences exist now.

Wow.

Yeah.

But he's probably well-kempt, right?

Probably got everything together, hair matted down real nice.

He looks like you couldn't get a lawnmower through his pubes.

Oh.

Huh.

You know what?

That might be my t-shirt, actually.

I gotta start wearing shirts.

They got so much cool stuff on them.

Well, why would you wear a shirt and cover up that beautiful amulet?

That's it.

Yeah.

My mom wouldn't be able to see what's going on.

That's true.

Hi, Fluff's mom.

Can she hear us?

Oh, yeah.

You can't hear her, though.

Oh.

That's her curse.

What made you want to put her in an amulet?

What's your mom like?

Well, she's getting up there.

That amulet is weirdly crawling up your

neck.

Yep, that's right.

I give it spider legs.

Oh, oh, yes.

Looks like it's trying to strangle you or...

Oh, yeah.

She controls the spider legs.

That's just sporting.

Fluff, I don't want to be the grim of police, but I don't believe she's getting older.

I believe she's getting closer to bones.

Closer to bones.

She's getting clobo.

Yeah, and so, you know, she's always doing weird stuff if I don't keep an eye on her.

So I keep her in this amulet and just lets.

It hurt me more than it hurt her because I sprained my my wrist jamming her into that thing.

Oh, so you had to like physically like shove her into the amulet.

Yeah, well, the wizards were all out adventuring.

Wait, hold on.

I assume this was a magical amulet that somehow her essence was in.

Is this just an amulet?

Yeah, just a little glass box.

It's more of a cameo than an amulet.

The RB singer?

Word up, man.

Word up.

And actually, can we, um,

you know, we make a little bit of money from all the sponsorships of Sputty and Buckets and Rat Commission.

Could we get a cameo from your mom?

Oh, yeah, totally.

Guys,

what do we want Fluff's mom to say?

Oh, you wanted to say you got to give her pretty specifics or else she freelances.

And you don't want to hear how close to bones she is if you leave her up to her own devices.

Yeah, yeah, if she's that clobo, we gotta, we gotta tell her exactly what to do.

Yeah, um, I thought we should do a cameo, but like, I, I, to me, it's like funny to get one from her, but I don't want her to think that it's funny.

Like I don't want her to feel bad about it, right?

So what do we can we tell her just to wish Ani a happy birthday and that Ani's a big fan?

Yes, yeah, I think that's good.

A big fan of my mom.

Yes,

yeah, happy birthday.

You're a big fan of me.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, that's what I'm saying.

Here's the exact message we want.

We want your mom to say, Ani, thanks so much for being a big fan of all the things I've done as Fluff's mom.

Happy birthday, big guy.

She is going to be tickled and confused.

Okay, I'm going to whisper.

Don't get too horny or sleepy.

I get to tell you what you said.

No promises.

None taken.

Okay, mommy.

Come here.

Say,

happy birthday to Arnie.

And tell him that you, he's a big fan of you.

And you like that.

Okay, she gets it.

Oh, she's doing the cameo, but...

Oh, shit.

Fuck, I forgot that we can't hear...

We can't hear her.

That's her curse?

Shit.

We just wasted 10 gold.

Well, I don't think it was a waste.

I'm gonna spend it all on blood nuts.

What?

Wait, what?

I said I'm gonna spend it all on putt-putt playing miniature.

Yeah, it's so fun.

It's so fun.

So fun.

We were at a water park not too long ago, and they had a miniature golf course there, and we had a great day.

Why wasn't that an episode?

I love a water park because it's like the ocean, but less scary.

So I worship it, but I don't fear it.

It's just like a cool friend that's powerful.

Right.

That's right, if I remember correctly, Fluff.

Most squirrels, one of the gods you worship is the ocean.

Yep.

And then some of us worship water parks as well.

Oh, I see.

It's kind of like a

smaller

subsidiary.

A subsidiary.

That's what they say in religions, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a subsidiary.

Or sect.

It's like, and daughters.

Right.

Right.

It's like God, goddess, and daughteresses.

Oh.

Fluff, have you always had a widow's peak?

Only since my wife died.

Oh, oh my god, it says, I am so sorry.

That's the tradition.

I'm always looking around like, is that her?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Your wife did what?

She she bones.

Okay.

She bones.

Congratulations.

Get Ebby my shirt.

She bones.

She bones.

She bones.

Okay, baby.

Alright.

Chun's shirt is now she bones.

Woo!

You sit here, you seem curious.

I hate to pry.

And we probably should take a quick break.

But right after that, I'm sorry.

I just.

I have to ask about

well, just what you've been up to.

Oh, I've got stories.

Me and that baby sheep.

We've got tales to tell and tales to wag.

Baby sheep, you it was a baby.

That's what a lamb is.

I guess that's true.

Well, I said I didn't want to pry, but I just can't help but notice

well how tall the collar on your cape is.

Normal collar, get a new slant.

Oh, oh, I see.

Yes.

Oh,

I guess that is my own prejudice and my own.

I just don't know what people always

going around leaving their necks all exposed.

Not I.

Not anymore.

Not after what happened.

Well, guys, let's pull the reins on talking to fluff blood pants like this.

He's just got a new amulet, real stiff collar, high-collar cape.

Widow's peak.

Widow's Peak.

Dead wife.

She bones.

She bones.

Baby, she bones.

I'll tell you what.

Mostly bones?

Completely bones.

Fluff, I have to say, last time we met you about a year ago, I don't believe you had a wife at that time.

And now I also don't.

Oh, yeah.

Many things change in between, and back to square wife.

Sure, back to square wife.

Congratulations, and we're so sorry.

Thank you.

It was a whirlwind marriage.

And I just want to apologize.

I say all that about the amulet and the cape and the widow's big etc.

That's okay.

Because

I know you look good.

Yes, you look fantastic, but earlier we weren't doing ASMR.

We were

a vampire.

I'm sorry.

Wow.

First of all, we don't say vampire.

Oh.

Oh.

We?

We reflect the weird.

It's like

ghosh.

Okay, well, what would we say instead?

Guys like fluff.

Guys like fluff.

Yeah.

That's fair.

Guys like me who suck blood, eat blood nuts,

love blood,

see blood everywhere.

Sure.

Carry their mom around in an amulet because she tried to get him to stop sucking all that blood.

Oh, your mom tried to stop you?

Oh, yeah, but she could not.

So she's in the amulet.

She tried to put me in that sucker, and I was like, No.

I thought it was because she was Klobo.

Oh, I mean, that too.

Okay.

That's one of the reasons she tried to stop me.

Yeah.

Also, probably why she couldn't stop you.

That's right.

And one of the reasons that she was so frail that I could put her in a little glass thing.

Yeah.

Can I ask Fluff?

Who turned you into a guy like Fluff?

Who didn't?

Who else didn't?

Oh, boy.

It was a rough time after I lost

my beloved Fliff.

Fliff?

Fliff and Fluff?

Yeah.

And daughters.

Oh,

Fluff and Daughters?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, they're fine.

They're lawyers now.

Oh, okay, good.

Congratulations.

They grew up so fast.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry if I am alright.

I was...

It got into a pretty wild scene.

I would let anything anything bite me

horses

Vampires vampire horses OJ Simpson bit me one time

I don't think he turned me sure, but man, he bit me fast.

What happens when a vampire horse bites a person or so

it's kind of a 50-50 you can turn into a vampire or you can turn into a horse It's whichever you're less like to begin with and a squirrel is like a horse of the trees So flip me to vampire from not vampire which I wasn't at all before then.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

I never really thought about it, but squirrels are the horses of the trees.

Thank you.

I've always said that.

I've been trying to get that started, so I'm glad you guys are on board.

I know we've been trying to solve this vampire thing, but I'm glad we figured out why Fluff has a giant horse cock.

I'll tell you what.

Didn't get it for my mother.

She looks furious right now.

I don't know why that would make her mad.

Why that's a weird thing for a mom to be up to?

She just misses my dad so much?

Oh, I see.

All right, that's that makes sense.

Well, lucky, uh, is your dad, uh, all bones now?

Haven't seen him.

I hope that son of a bitch is bones.

Oh, oh, man, yeah, haven't seen him in a while.

We went out for a game of hide and seek when I was very young, and uh,

he could be anywhere.

Sure, oh,

although he might still be hiding, that's what I'm saying.

Are you still seeking?

I just gave up on that a long time time ago.

Wow.

It's a real tale of tragedy.

So, Fluffy, you just let things bite you.

Just to feel.

Just to feel.

And I'll tell you what, it felt bad.

I bet.

Teeth in my flesh and fur.

No thanks.

Well,

I hate to be the one bringing this up.

You don't gotta.

No, no, no, no, no.

Nobody's gotta walk to your head.

I often am tasked with striking down monsters, dragons, eye demons,

other things that are setting, besieging a town or a village.

Misguided mummies.

Misguided mummies, big one, that comes up a lot more than you'd think.

And you make sense of direction.

Eyes covered up with all those.

Yeah, I don't know where they're going.

Fluff, you might think that I would seek to slay you as a vampire.

But

I'm not.

I'm not.

I'm not interested in doing that.

What I am interested in doing

as a friend of this show

There's another very popular podcast in food now more popular than ours called podpires.

It's an all-vampire podcast

Do you think you could introduce us to those guys?

You think all vampires know each other or excuse me guys like fluff?

No

sorry, sorry.

Yikes.

No, no, no, no, that's not no no no, we just we just uh it's just it's such a good podcast, and we would love to connect with them and sort of like, you know, just like share info, maybe get, do a guest swap or something.

I'm just slapping your hat.

I know those guys.

Well, of course,

you guys, they're my favorite podcast, but you guys are my best friends that host a podcast, which is a distinction that everyone who has podcast friends knows.

Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Isn't it sad how it's never the same podcast?

Never the same guys.

Never ever.

Yeah, I can introduce you.

Do you guys want to...

Do you...

So, they don't love when I suggest guest ideas to them?

Okay.

Yeah, because I keep suggesting OJ Simpson's horse.

Okay.

Not a vampire.

No, I'm a vampire.

Would you be open to becoming vampires?

That would get you bumpy way up the list.

I'm going to be totally honest with you.

I was a vampire for a while.

Whoa.

Yeah, I feel like maybe I was too.

Bombshell entering the villa.

That's just cannon.

Is the cannon which shot the bombshell?

That's right.

Ari,

have you ever been?

I don't think I have.

I mean, back on Earth, I dressed as a vampire once.

I dressed as a very old vampire that was used to.

Oh, no, no.

Whoa.

Is that bad?

Is that bad?

Oh, sorry.

Well, wait, but is it bad for me to just dress up as

someone a guy like Fluff for a holiday?

My weird haircut and peaked collar and amulet is not your costume.

Oh, shit.

Shit.

I gotta get rid of those pictures.

Some of them might be on the internet.

My costume is not your costume.

Wouldn't fit.

Yeah, that's true.

It really wouldn't.

Arnie, it seems like, out of all of us, you're the only one who hasn't actually been a vampire.

Sorry, sorry.

Hasn't been

a guy like Fluff.

Friend of Fluff.

Friend of Fluff.

Fluffer Blutter.

I guess I'm just.

I'm a little scared.

I don't like being bit.

Okay, how about this?

You eat a little bit of that spaghetti and meatballs and blood.

We call it a deal.

I'll introduce you to the vampire podcast.

Okay.

Arnie.

Stop because I, guys, I actually don't like podpyers.

What?

But cynically, I do want to be on podpyers to kind of get more attention to our podcast.

Wouldn't be the first time that happened.

What don't you like about

you would betray the secret brotherhood and sacred fraternity of podcasts in that way.

I guess so.

Wait, is there a rule?

Look, if you have to like a podcast a lot to be on the podcast, you'd have a lot less episodes.

You must be pure of pod.

Pure of pod?

They can tell.

Yeah.

Yeah, Arnie,

there's been, since podcasts have become popular since, you know, you fell into our world and started them, we have to assume you originated them.

There's been a decree that if you guessed on a podcast, you have to listen to the entire back catalogue.

Well, all of it?

That's what entire means.

They've had a lot of episodes, and they've gone through a lot of hosts.

Yeah.

In a very short amount of time.

Well, that's because they've been eating the spaghetti and meatball and blood on Wednesdays, and there was a lot of garlic in there.

Oh.

Yeah, that'll do it.

That'll get it.

That'll do it.

Every time.

Not me, though.

Why not you?

A medallion.

It's an immunity.

You get immunity.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

But I guess slick back fur amulet.

I guess that's Italian.

No offense.

Some take it.

Well, Fluff, I really appreciate you being vulnerable and sharing us the struggles you've gone through.

You know, your tragedies and your letting yourself being bit and the fact that you are a vampire now.

And it makes me feel really bad to let you know that this is also a sting.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I guess fuck me and the sheep I rode in on, huh?

I guess so.

You guys are different scorpions.

These are scorpions from the Vatican.

What is it here?

They hate vampires.

And here,

I've been wearing this necklace the whole time.

It has the letter D on it for Donna, the big squirrel.

Oh, okay.

That's very intimidating.

But for a second, I thought it was my dad.

And I was like, both my parents and necklaces.

What are the odds?

No,

I assume that you're scared of

the D.

The big D?

Yeah, Donna, Detroit, all of them.

Yeah, yeah.

So I'm holding this up to you to say, like a cross.

Yeah, regular vampires use a cross, but I assume squirrels, you've got to use the D.

Yeah, it could be Donna.

It could be the moon.

It could be the ocean.

It could be the sun.

All the things you worship.

Ah, big water slide.

That'll do it.

Oh, big water slide.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, big water slide.

Oh, that's rough for a squirrel vampire that they, um, the sun and the moon both affect them.

That's right.

and the ocean like it's in nature most things most things i'm susceptible to things one of my greatest weaknesses are stuff so you're sort of an inside squirrel oh i'm an indoor i'm an indoor guy yeah yeah yeah that makes sense my hold this d to keep you at bay i thought you'd forgot to do that

okay take him away scorpions Wait, what am I being accused of?

Of being a vampire.

These are not police scorpions.

These are scorpions from the Vatican.

Oh, they're popians they're popians

general vampiric crimes you know of course

oh yeah gvc's yeah

all right well look can't i just speak in my defense please thank you oh look the scorpions are taking off their hats those tall hats

if it pleased the bar and the scorpions

I was in a dark place

basement getting bit by a lot of creatures.

Who could know what was going to happen?

Just letting whoever bite me.

I turned into a vampire.

I haven't been slaughtering.

I've been eating blood nuts.

So many blood nuts.

I'm basically a vegan pyre.

And

even

if I were to indulge in sweet, sweet blood of the flesh, I would amulet smash.

Mom, get him.

I'm running away.

Come on, lamb, let's go.

Oh, shit.

Oh, oh.

Oh, this one's trying to hug us.

Get out of here.

She knows you're a big fan.

Let it happen.

She's trying to let us eat.

Make us eat.

That was ironic.

Don't hurt us.

We're not too skinny.

We're not too skinny.

Get him, Italian squirrel, mom.

She keeps saying manja.

Manja?

That squirrel for eat.

Well,

he got away again.

Damn it.

That's right, I did.

Oh, he's right there.

Oh, no, he's up there.

I heard it.

Oh, shit.

We'll never catch him.

Well, you know what?

Why don't we take a quick minute to read an email from a listener?

And if he's still on the rafters somewhere, feel free to yell any responses.

Am I far away?

Whoa!

Oh, shit!

Or am I doing AM SMR very close?

Arnie is in he's in your hair.

Oh, I hate that.

I'm always finding rodents in my hair.

In your hair.

Arnie, Arnie.

Oh, no.

I'm just shitting you.

Reading the email.

I'm just flapping your cape.

Oh, gosh, I thought he was going to escape, but he had to make it linger.

All right.

You can email us at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.

It's real email address.

Also, you can join our Patreon at patreon.com slash magic tavern and message us there.

Here's one.

It's a little bit on the longer side, but I'll try to read through it quickly.

Dear Arnie, Chunt, and Usidor of the Blue.

I stumbled upon your podcast during the the most difficult transition of my life.

My ex abruptly left me and my 12-year-old daughter in the middle of a lease and turned our lives upside down without warning.

I was overwhelmed, trying to figure out how to navigate the heartbreak and the sudden responsibilities of being a single parent.

To say things felt bleak would be an understatement.

Then by some stroke of luck, or maybe magic, I discovered your podcast.

The bizarre and hilarious world of Foon became a sanctuary in the chaos of my life.

Your humor got me through sleepless nights, and your stories reminded me to laugh even when life felt impossible.

I can't thank you enough for that.

Now, that being said,

I do have a request.

Could you Sidor perhaps cast a spell, or dare I say, mild curse upon my ex?

Nothing too serious, maybe just the unshakable sensation of wet socks, something appropriately annoying yet karmically just.

Thank you again for being amazing and helping me through this hard time.

Morgan.

Hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Well, Morgan, uh,

I would say wet socks is a pretty dastardly spell, difficult to cast from across dimensions, but come on, make him piss his socks.

Oh, that's even faster.

Oh, shut up, things like that.

That's what they meant, right?

Things can be wet from a lot of things.

That's very true.

Feels very disrespectful to respond to the tone of that email in this voice, which I would describe as borderline cardman.

Morgan's ex.

X.

You shall ne'er hear this, but no.

Wait, hold on.

Let's not assume that Morgan's X doesn't listen to the podcast.

Maybe Morgan's X is a big fan like my mom.

Oh man, could be a Patreon subscriber, too.

Morgan's X,

you may hear this spell,

but you shall forget that it applies to thee.

Even now.

A little triple of urine doth

triple

down thine thine leg into thine socks until thine shoes be filled with urine.

And these urine shoes shall ensure that thy feet be ever damp.

Yes, sweet revenge, and you can't spell sweet without wet.

It's true.

Could you wet his socks, I'm sure.

It's done, Morgan.

Thine boon is granted.

Well, Fluff, it's been great to see you again.

It looks like these scorpions are slowly, very slowly, putting their hats back on.

Out of respect, I'm sure.

Sure.

Fluff, even though we are part of this sting operation, I think if you wait in Arnie's hair long enough, they're just going to leave.

Yeah, they won't know.

It's like my dad.

Right.

You just keep hiding.

Yeah, you could just...

You seem to be pretty good at throwing your voice.

If you just want to scream like, screw you guys, I'm going home.

I think they'll fall for it.

I'm gonna

ski yes, I'm going home.

That's a fool, Cartman.

But

I was gonna say thank you for having me, but I was already here when you got here, and you tried to send me to jail again.

So,

I gotta say, not a pleasure.

And my mom escaped.

I'm gonna have to put out a silver alert.

Would you, after all this, still mind putting in a good word with podfires?

No doubt.

No doubt.

Podcasters code.

Oh, shoof.

Okay.

Well, hopefully, next time we see you, we catch you.

And hopefully, next time, not if I see you, catch you first.

Not if I see you, catch you first.

Now that's a t-shirt.

It's not.

It's not a t-shirt.

Only so many t-shirts can exist at one time in this version of the universe.

And we are getting damn close to the limit.

Usidor the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Fluff the Squirrel was played by special guest Josh Gondelman.

Josh's new stand-up special, Positive Reinforcement, is out on YouTube now.

If you'd like a...

T-shirt with Usidor saying save it for a sexy ghost just in time for the Halloween season or a shirt with chunts saying she-bones, just in time for national regret what you're wearing day, check out our dashery store.

Link in the show notes.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate Producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Sage GC.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.