Season 5, Ep 73 - Aaaaaangus the Artful (w/ Rhett Miller)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

And in a time where what is real and what is just something people really, really want to be true becomes increasingly blurred, you can trust me when I say this is like super fake.

There are no portals to other worlds behind fast food restaurants, and I'm not even entirely certain there's a podcast industry.

This whole media landscape may just be an elaborate ruse to keep those who have a few too many opinions occupied, while the rest of us contribute to society.

I'm looking into it.

In the meantime, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the magic tavern.

Oh, excuse me.

It's not as easy to do this while I'm walking.

Let me try that one more time.

Hello from the magic tavern.

Oh, what was that?

Something just jumped in the bushes.

Was that the floor that wasn't the flourish?

It was...

There was something in the bushes?

Oh, it could have been the floor.

Oh, maybe it was Mundle.

Yeah.

You know, you do remember, like, we don't talk directly to Mundle the Grendel that often, but

Mundle is here every episode.

playing our theme song.

Yeah, live.

It's incredible.

I know.

He's never missed an episode.

I can't say that about any of the three of us.

Yeah, that's fair.

He's a consummate Grundle.

Exactly.

Speaking of being a consummate Grundle, I'm going to do the opening again.

Hello from the Magic Tavern.

And lo,

when I do lift this rock, the great weapon shall be revealed.

Now, rock, rise and it's not under there.

There's no rock.

There's no set of under the rock.

Oh, there's no cheese.

What?

Usidor, you lured us out into the woods to look for this weapon, and now you've just...

You're just pulling up random rocks?

Well, I...

The weapon could be anywhere.

We have to...

We must, as they say, leave no stone unturned.

Arnie, he lured you into the woods?

He just asked me.

No, I mean...

You had to lure Arnie.

It took a...

A trail of candies that were quite expensive,

of increasing qualities, and bizarre and erotic shapes.

You say they're expensive, Usador.

I know MMs are too expensive, so you had to get Rhys's pieces.

How dare you insult me,

thinking that I am some moth-pocketed wizard who doesn't have a scrap of gold to my name?

I

must certainly have

means.

Means you could not imagine.

Aye, pockets deeper than any that you could conceive.

Ooh, a family of moths just just flew out of your pockets.

That's literally the only two words I heard in that as well.

Moth pockets.

Exactly.

Chunt, we are slowly becoming the same person.

We are slowly becoming the same person.

I was just going to say that.

I was going to say that.

I did.

I did say that.

I'm going to go look for the weapon.

All right, buddy.

A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon.

I'm your host, Darnie Niet Camp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here, more or less on the outskirts of Hogsface.

We're kind of wandering, lost in McShingle-Shane Forest, in the magical land of Foon.

And you've already heard them, but let's talk to them some more.

My co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Bing Bong to you, deep bow.

I can't bow as deep as you.

Bow bong to you, bing bow to

We're to the left, even.

Oh, Arnie.

Arnie.

Arnie.

Yeah?

I did see a set of keys under that rock.

You know how some people will go to the blacksmith and have a duplicate key made that, in case they are ever, you know, held up in the forest or they lose it on a grand adventure in the ocean or something, they might have an extra set of keys under a rock nearby.

You know, that's a common place in Foon.

Sure.

We should grab that key and see where it goes to.

Sure.

Okay, let me.

Arnie, help.

Okay.

Arnie, help, push this rock.

That sounds so heavy.

It sounds so unpleasant to try to hold up that rock.

Okay, I'll help.

Oh, yo, that goes so bad.

I was just going to say that.

Arnie, I was just going to say that.

I was going to say that too.

Oh, hold it.

Hold it there.

Hold it there.

Hold it there.

Yoink.

Okay.

Okay, let's see here.

Oh, great.

Now we just gotta try every keyhole in the area.

Yeah,

let's not split up, but let's kind of keep an eye out for any sort of...

Oh, there's a big mansion.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Usidor.

Yes.

Yeah, what?

First of all, I haven't introduced you, and I'm sorry.

I know you get grumpy about this.

Oh,

yeah.

There we go.

I'm gone.

No, you.

Usidor, I was trying to intro you on the podcast.

Yeah, go ahead.

Oh, and my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

And I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Arrhenius.

Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trocas, the Elves Nobius Fiang Yalak, the Dwarf Snobius Sonan and Hook Stanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maestar.

And lo, friends, I believe I have found the secret resting place of this incredible weapon.

Do you see yonder mansion?

We were just looking at this

honestly kind of decrepit mansion.

There's an ornate path that goes directly up to the front door, and right to the left of the path, there's a muddy hole in the ground.

Come with me while I stick my hand in the muddy hole.

Let's go!

He's never gonna learn.

Yeah.

Let's just follow.

Okay.

Prepare, hole!

Prepare yourself!

I shall put my fist within the hole, and from within you I shall draw out a

You can't fist every hole.

When's he gonna learn?

Arnie, I always say that to him.

He's like a kid in a hole shop.

That's true.

That's true.

Sleeves rolled up.

I shall reach in.

I should tell him we have the keys.

I shall pull forth the most incredible weapon we have ever

seen.

Sean, I'm realizing when User's gone for weeks at a time, saying he's off doing doing grand studies to find things to defeat, you know, previously the Dark Lord, now the Wizards,

he's just fucking wandering around, like turning over rocks and looking in holes.

He has

turned over rocks, a lot of okey noodling.

I don't know if you know what that is.

That's where you stick your

hand in a hole up to the elbow and you wiggle your fingers like they're worms and you hope that a catfish or a landfish will or a dogfish will bite on and then you pull it out of the hole.

It's called okey noodling.

You never heard of that?

No.

At first I worried it was going to involve a cookie or something, but...

Usidor, get over here.

We've been doing your thing.

Now let's do Chunt's thing.

Chunt found these keys and we're going to see if we can use them on this house.

I think there was just mud in that hole.

Yeah.

I think you're right.

I think you're right.

Usidor, some holes are just holes.

Does that make sense?

Some holes are just holes.

Arnie, could that be a t-shirt?

That could be a t-shirt.

All right.

What's your problem?

Are you afraid of holes?

Some holes are just holes.

Oh, I slipped.

I slipped on the mud.

I'm right in the hole.

It's in the hole.

Oh, okay, all right.

Oh, shit, now I'm covered in mud.

Well, uh, let me cast a quick cleaning spell before we approach this very handsome mansion.

Oh, a bunch of little sponges are dancing towards me.

Yes, yes.

Yes, here they come.

Scrubbing sort of scrubbing bubbles.

Scrub harder.

Ooh, they are getting...

Arnie, they are getting everywhere.

Get up in there.

I like this.

Holy shit.

Why didn't we do this earlier?

This is amazing.

This is going to take...

You know what?

I'm going to cut out what however long this takes.

I'm going to cut the audio here and

we're back down.

That went on for a long time.

That was a 90-minute deep tissue scrub.

Are you feeling better now, though, Trent?

Much better.

Well, excellent.

Then we are prepared to approach the front door.

Oh, I was gonna use use the keys that we found under the rock, but it looks like there's a lantern in the window.

Yeah.

Maybe we just knock?

I guess, in retrospect, your whole plan to use the key is

illegal.

Let's open the door, and then I'll knock on the inside of the door.

Let me guess.

Ooh, that's a heavy door and a little

knock-a-doodle-loo.

Oh, quick, quick, put the key in the keyhole, and then if someone comes up, you're like, hey, we think you left your keys

in the keyhole.

Okay, let me...

What?

Who?

Who?

Who?

Who are you, kids?

Who?

Ho!

Hey!

Hi!

I'm sorry,

we just saw your door was open, and there was a key in the keyhole.

You left the keys in the keyhole.

Yes, we are adventurers, and oft on our trails and our missions, we find side quests, such as returning keys to the owner of a mansion mansion who's left the keys in a keyhole outside their door.

Listen, I don't buy your kids' stories for one second.

I know you are enthusiasts of my music, and I don't hold it against you that you're such big fanatics, as it were, but you don't got to make stuff up.

You can just tell me you love my work, and you're here to get my sigil.

Let's roll.

You don't got to make stuff up, guys.

What would the podcast be if we didn't make stuff?

This is going to be incredible.

We simply must follow this thread.

Uh, yes, of course.

We've come to gather thine sigil.

Great.

We are great fans, as you have said.

I like to shorten the word fanatics to fans sometimes.

See, I have taken up the parlance of mine friend Arnie here, and on his world, which is different from ours, through a dimensional portal, they like to shorten words, and they also like to put words together and make port manteaus.

I'm trying to teach him brevity, but it's not sticking.

I can see how that would be confusing, though, and it would probably lead to a lot of jokes that father-type people would make about fans versus fanatics.

Like, say you're hot and you're looking for a fan, but then

you know what I'm saying, boys.

Listen.

Yes, I have often been tricked by two words that mean the same thing.

Why, just the other day,

I wanted.

I wanted a hot dog.

And Chunt said to me, would you like another dog?

And then I had to adopt a puppy.

Yeah, we get up to some kooky shit.

We're always oscillating between, you know, fandom and fan.

But yes, sir, we are remind.

I mean, we know your name, of course, but it would be so, it would be such a thrill if you could just say your name aloud to us.

We'd lose our freaking brains.

Oh,

well, I suppose I could.

You know, let's double up.

While we're doing that, let me drip some wax on you and I can put my sigil wherever you'd like.

There we go.

I just press my finger finger into the wax.

There you go.

That's my sigil.

Yeah.

You see on there, there's a loot dripping blood, is my sigil.

But

some of that is my blood, I think.

But there on the loot, you see my name.

Hangus the artful.

Oh, Angus the Artful.

Not Angus.

Kisses.

Hangus the Artful.

That's well done.

I like that.

And a one, and a two, and awful.

Yeah.

Which one are you?

The bad, your chunt?

That's a little too.

You put too many A's in it.

There's only six A's in it.

Oh, yes, yes, sir.

There's one thing I know about Chunt.

Too many A's.

Well, yes, so I suppose you're here for my sigil.

You look to have a lot of equipment, though, of some sort of strange, magical-looking equipment.

Are you documentary and historical librarians looking to make a documentarial history of my career?

Yes, exactly.

You got us.

Yeah, you caught us red-handed.

Any go along with this.

Yeah, sure, sure.

Yes, I'm an important documentarian.

I'm from another world, and I brought technology from my other world to document the things here.

And I would love,

if you wouldn't mind, to get a recording of you and your story and your secrets and things like that.

Well, I'm not prepared to talk unless you really want me to talk.

Oh, we really want you to talk.

Desperately want you to talk.

But what we want even more is possibly to hear a song, but not too much pressure and not too quickly.

Chant,

Chunt, keep your eyes open.

I think this mansion may be where we find the W-E-A-P-O-N.

Oh, we open.

No, no, no, no.

Ah, yes.

Angus the Artful,

please open your lives to us.

Tell us everything from the very terrible and gruesome birth that brought you into this world to the very moment that we pretended that your keys were in the front door on accident.

I saw right through that.

What a ruse.

You fanatics, you enthusiasts, follow me in.

I'll give you a seat.

Huzzah!

I will not, however, sing you a song.

I will not.

Maybe if you really wanted me to, but

I will not.

Definitely not.

Drive's a hard bargain.

Probably not.

But I will tell you a little bit about myself.

Welcome to this is

my beautiful mansion, as you can see, Grossland.

Oh,

Grossland.

Grossland.

Very, very fitting.

My first question.

is why are there so many toilets on the ceiling?

And why is there so much peanut butter and banana next to the toilets?

Those are good questions for which I don't have answers.

I

first of all, I would like to tell you all of the answers that I can think of.

Sure.

But I don't even know your names, kids.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm Chunt the Badger, as you mentioned.

I do wear a name tag, just in case.

This is Usidor the Blue.

He's a

Wisen old friend.

And this is famed Earth documentarian Can Burns.

Okay.

Why'd you call Can Arnie?

Shit.

Oh, yeah.

But

my good buddies call me Arnie, which I would love for you to call me as well.

Thank you.

You can call me Angus the Artful, but

listen, we're inside now.

If you want to just call me Angus, that's fine.

But if the camera's rolling, it's,

you know, brand is a brand.

I got to keep it up.

So, yeah, how do you do these things?

Where do you normally start?

Peanut butter, toilets?

Is that normally normally the first question?

Unfortunately, it usually is.

Yeah, toilets on the ceiling.

That was just a challenge myself with my aim.

The peanut butter.

I really just.

I just like peanut butter.

Sure.

Sure, yeah.

Who doesn't?

Ani, Ani, keep him talking.

Chant and I are going to look for the W-E-A-P-O-N.

Okay, sure.

I don't know why you're throwing letters at me, but so, Angus,

you're you're a bard, and as I know, clearly, like a very famous bard.

Like, what got you into the music business in the first place?

Well,

Angus the Artful was

my real name was Angus, but I added the extra A's so that in the, you know, the guild listings, I would be the first.

Oh, I see.

But was there already an Angus?

And then, so you just, and then there was also a 2A Angus.

Listen, can.

There were so many Anguses in there.

And then there was an Angus and Angus and

Angus.

Sure.

But you're the most cunning Angus.

It's funny when you say that.

It does

sound appealing.

Cunning Angus.

Sorry.

Okay.

Y'all have any girls?

I wish.

I wish.

I mean, that is the right question.

That is absolutely the right question.

Next week, I swear we'll try.

It's been a a long time since I had anybody knocking on my door and

have three,

whatever y'all are, badgers.

Badger, a wizard, and a human from another world.

Whoa, a wizard, you say.

Yes, I am Yusodor the Blue, the greatest wizard of all of the land.

That's the whole name.

No, no, no, that's just a little part of it.

Sometimes I cut it short because,

in truth, I am actually Yusodor, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakas, the Elves Gnomias, Fear and Yalakis, the Dwarves, Gnomias, Zonan, and Hookstanges.

And I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maystar, and the Bards of Foon.

Know me as

Twinkle Song

Badaboo.

See, that's what I was expecting.

These wizard types, they're like the Nepo babies of the magic world.

My My old partner, Merr,

he was a sorcerer, and that's the kind that I appreciate because you know what?

It's about the craft, it's about the work, it's about putting in the hours.

You're not just born with some silver wand stuck up your behind.

Yeah.

What?

Look, that's just part of coming into the world as a wizard.

You have to take out the silver wand from your behind and craft it into a great staff for yourself.

Wait, hold on.

You Sidor, you've told us many times about you being brought into this world.

Yes, yes, yes.

I was brought into the world.

You never mentioned the silver water

of your birds and wind and fire and rain that insist there be a champion.

And I did draw the silver wand from my anus.

And I did craft a great wizard's staff around it.

Now, if you were unable to pull the silver wand out of your anus, would that mean you're unworthy?

I suppose so.

I don't know of a wizard who that's happened to yet.

Arnie, pull the silver wand out of his anus.

Actually,

why don't we take a quick

break and uh can burns can um sort of set up what he needs to set up uh angus and we can get started on the documentary this wizard was telling me about how he was coming into this world trust me we'll come back to that oh yeah

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Ernie, I'm trying to

hit that toilet on the ceiling.

Ah, oh, come on.

Just

blame it on gravity.

Just fell right in my face.

So here, Angus,

we've sort of positioned this chair in the middle of the room for you.

We can kind of do your interview.

We will have like a soft focus background so that like people can see there's interesting stuff in the background, but they're mostly focused on you.

Yeah, I can see that.

It's hard to look away from me.

I get that.

And yeah, all right.

You know, maybe want to get some of the toilets in there too.

I feel like that's just really good,

you know, captures my essence.

Well, I mean, literally.

Any, I know I said I was going to look for the weapon, but should I be one of the blurry, interesting things in the background?

I guess so.

Okay,

I'll go stand a few feet away, just so I'm blurry enough.

For a wizard, you don't seem like the worst fella in the world, so I'm going to tell you this.

Thank you.

That was a backhanded compliment, just to be clear.

There may be some hidden rooms that may or may not have weapons weapons in this house because, you know, I didn't build this house myself.

I got it through marriage.

I married a beautiful woman, much older woman.

I assume you married the Grosses.

Yes, yeah.

Her name was Gross Mary.

Gross Mary?

We'd love to have her on sometime.

But she was lovely to me, and her family didn't like me as much because of the age difference.

She was much older than me.

Oh, I see.

Is it possible they didn't like you because you kept calling her Gross Mary?

Look, I call it like I see it because I'm a truth teller.

Yeah,

well, we should save that for the documentary

historical.

Sure.

Yeah, yeah.

And it matters not what sort of compliment you give me, back or front-handed, I shall receive thine hand openly.

Okay.

All right.

So,

Angus the Bard.

Yes.

One of the more important bards in Foon, I imagine.

imagine.

Probably the most, but yeah, okay.

Wow.

So you had mentioned your partner, Myr, the sorcerer?

Myrrh,

four R's.

Myrrh.

Yeah, he was a sorcerer, which, as I said, far superior to wizards, the Nepo babies of the magical world.

No offense.

Some take it.

So,

yeah.

Listen, if I'm going to be completely honest, which now I'm probably at the end of my life, I probably only have another 50 or 60 years left to live, I probably

should be completely honest and tell you that in some of my early hits, it wasn't just my songwriting ability, but Murray, the sorcerer,

inserted some magic.

It was not cheating because it was in the service of entertainment,

but he did.

You know, he put some sorcery in there that made some of my songs perhaps a little more popular than they would have been otherwise.

So now this magic,

did it magically make the songs better or magically compel people to like them?

It was more like,

you know what it was like?

It was like shtick.

Do you know that word?

So it's like when something is like a straight piece of wood because it like pokes people with it.

So it's like a shtick.

So he would.

Oh, why is there poop on it?

It's shticky.

So there was one song in particular we had called You Doth Have a Friend.

And

in that song,

I said the line in it, well, I mean, if you insist, I could probably sing a little bit of it for you, but this is not.

Thank you for insisting.

Arnie, I went out to the front of the mansion and I found

Boom Michael.

So I'm just going to hang Boom Michael right here, and that should help with the sound.

Oh, okay.

If you should just call out my name, you know, wherever I am, that I will come teleporting.

You have a friend.

You doth have a friend.

All right, so that's the song, right?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

But

What happened was this.

The magic he put in there meant it so every time I sang that line, if people called out my name, Angus the Artful,

I had to teleport to them wherever they were.

Oh.

Yeah.

The magic almost seems like a curse on you.

Thank you.

That's what I said after we realized what was going to happen.

We thought maybe three people, four people.

It was three people an hour, five people an hour.

It got crazy.

So I finally had to break the curse, but it's hard to break a sorcerer's spell like that.

I remember this now.

I had forgotten about this, but you were the bard of the summer.

You were everywhere.

Like there was an I would go to like a tavern, boom, you were there.

I could hear that song.

I go to the sundry store to buy my sundries.

You'd be there.

Oh yeah.

I remember singing the song in my sleep and I woke up and you were next to me in bed.

Right.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, that happened a few times.

And it wound up being okay, but most of the time it was not a good thing.

And really, it took its toll.

So, I had to, I had to break the spell.

Oh, how do you

break a sorcerer's spell?

Arnie, I was just going to say that.

That's

a good question.

Probably a good question for your audience to hear the answer to because they might find themselves in the same situation one time.

In order to break a sorcerer's spell, you have to remove the sorcerer from the world in which the spell was cast.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right, Arnie.

You have to get rid of the whole sorcerer, stupid sorcerer humans who just learned magic, not like wizards who who were born with magic.

You kill a sorcerer, all of a sudden, his magic's gone.

What a loser, Arnie.

I think this just went from a music documentary to a murder documentary.

Oh my god, no, yeah, a murder.

Get him to confess, get him to confess.

Murders!

Oh, this is like the Jinx.

I know when I say this is like the Jinx is because we keep seeing saying the same thing at the same time.

So, Angus,

when you had to remove Myrrh from this world,

um,

Did you do that violently?

Yeah, you know, I think I've said enough.

After I removed Myrrh from the world, I traveled door to door, singing for people, mostly is what I did.

You really want to talk about this whole Myrrh thing, don't you?

I mean, I'm interested.

I mean, well, how about we not dwell on the bad times?

Well, what are the good, like, what was it like when you and Myrrh first started performing together?

You know, it was good.

It was fun.

I would write a song and he would stick a little magic in it.

Like, oh, I had this one song and it was called The Dandelions of Winter.

And it went like this.

I insist.

The dandelions of winter are growing in the snow.

So when I would sing that, every time I would sing that, it would make all the girls get all cheeks.

Their cheeks would get all rosy.

You know?

That was good.

That was fine.

That was not a curse.

That was just a spell.

Yeah.

So when people would, when you would play that song, the girls' cheeks would get rosy.

So people would be like, we got to get this song going to get all the girls rosy cheeked.

You know, it was a special summer.

That was the summer before the summer of the teleportation.

Oh, it was so exhausting.

By the end of that summer, I would look like a skeleton.

And I went to Myrrh and I said, Myrrh, if you don't undo this sorcery, and he laughed and he said, I'm just too busy counting my money to undo this sorcery.

And And I said, well, it's going to be hard to count money when you're not even on foon anymore.

Oh, yeah.

But it'd be hard for Merr to count all that gold.

It just doesn't make frankincense.

Well, you see, Ani, that's how you got

Angus the Artful to un-teleport away.

It's like

you put some money in his hand and it teleported him back to wherever Merr was, and then Merr had more gold to count.

I see.

Would you put money in his hand, or you could just kind of like like elbow him real hard?

Yeah.

Listen.

If you were really cool, you could just elbow him.

And he did like suddenly that song was there, and you were like, wow,

that's the coolest guy I've ever seen.

If you teleported away, if people clapped enough, then did you have to come back?

You know what?

The music industry is a complicated business model, and I would love to try and explain it to y'all, but

yeah, basically, that's what it was.

Well, you see, Angus the Artful.

Any is from another world, so sometimes our way seems strange to him.

In your world, does the music industry have a really functioning business model that rewards musicians?

You know, I feel like no.

I feel like maybe there was a time when it had, I feel like in my world, there had been a series of complicated and deeply flawed systems, and then even those got just totally fucked over.

And the good thing is that musicians now

are in the same elite status as podcasters.

Yeah.

And

I guess we forgot to mention, I hope you don't mind.

If any of your merch sells during us recording this documentary, we do get 50%.

That makes sense.

That tracks.

Honestly, you know, it's pretty generous.

Thank you.

Thank you, son.

Yes, you're welcome.

You're very welcome.

Oh, tell us about your first world tour.

I don't understand how you're,

what are you saying that weird for?

Your first world

tour.

I just want to double-check your name.

I'm looking at your name tag right now, and it's C-H-U-N-T.

Now, is that a Ch or is that pronounced like the C-H in a macchiato?

Ooh, oh, that's a great question.

Macchiato, Kyato, Kyant, Kyant,

Arnie, what if I went by Kyant?

Ooh, I just got a cold.

Gotta get a little draft.

Do you feel that, Arnie?

A little too much.

Angus, is this place haunted?

Murray, get back out of here.

Sir, it's all good.

It's all good.

What the

fuck?

Who did you just yell for?

Oh, nobody.

I didn't yell for anybody.

Oh, okay.

Oh, that kind of reminds me.

You mentioned that this, the Grossland, is the Grossberry.

Go back down to the basement.

Take Grossberry with you.

Oh.

I told you.

We're recording up here.

Okay, I'm good.

I can talk.

I saw some movement back there.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, it's fine.

It's fine.

I mean, Corpurial is worse, but Incorporeal is still pretty bad.

They're both just always hanging around, giving their ideas from my songs.

Oh.

Yeah, it's haunted in here.

It's haunted as hell.

I should have noticed the second we walked in.

Yeah.

Ru-Ro.

Well, I do got weapons.

Oh, yes, use it or the weapons.

Oh, yes.

Uh, here.

I see.

Is it in this gilded case here?

On top of this plinth?

Yeah, you spotted it.

Oh!

What's the weapon you're looking for?

A weapon to destroy evil in all its forms.

Here, I shall open this one, and I shall see what is inside.

Arnie, can I see your phone for a second?

Sure.

Okay.

A quill.

Yeah.

There's a little note.

Plinth.

A heavy base supporting a statue or vase.

Oh, yeah.

That's what that is.

Yeah, plinth.

Where have you guys been?

There's a note here next to the quill.

It says, The quill is mightier than the sword.

This is a waste of time.

Yeah, that's the quill I wrote you doth have a friend with, son.

All right.

And there's also a note here that says, this should be in a museum.

I need a real weapon.

I need a weapon that will destroy wizards

and help fight back the tide of evil o'ertaking our land.

Now, certainly.

There's a place where art plays a part in that, and those who speak truth to power must be empowered to do so.

And I do not deny you that your power does flow, doth flow through this quill, but that is not the sort of power we seek here today.

I need, I need, like, a, like a big hand, is there like a big hammer or a

like a

sword?

I insist.

What about this loot over here?

On the back, it says

this machine kills evil wizards.

Oh, the loot,

It's a magic loot.

You have to be able to play it, though, like me.

Wow, as he plays the lute, the loot, the loot is on fire.

I'd like to sing a song.

Oh, y'all.

You broke me.

I'm so sorry.

Yes.

Let's take a quick break and see if we can fix Angus the Awful.

So, Angus,

I don't want this to turn into gotcha journalism, but during the break, you went into the bathroom.

And when I say went into the bathroom, I mean you

artfully pissed into the ceiling.

And while you were doing that, you casually said killed them all, of course?

I killed my wife and her whole family.

And we do, you do have audio of that.

Yeah, I didn't really realize how these recording devices worked.

Yeah.

Well, you carried it with you into the bathroom.

So

you'd think, you'd think you'd think about that.

Yeah, you grabbed it and said, I want to make sure this all gets on record.

Well, you know, maybe I feel guilty.

I don't know.

Maybe I do.

Maybe I do.

Sure.

I never thought I did, but I've been all alone for so long now, and you boys show up here, fanatics, enthusiasts as you are.

Sure.

And so interested in me and interested in my career and loving my music like you do.

And it's just so hard for me to let you think that I'm something I'm not.

I am cursed with the memories of my murders.

It's true.

You know, sometimes people think that the loot is a weapon, you know, that can defeat the evil in the world.

And sure, you know, I guess loots could do something.

And also, if somebody was picking your pocket, you could hit them over the head with a loot.

That's true.

But, you know, really, you know, what's a good weapon is a hammer.

So it's just like old wizard boy over there said earlier.

You just hit them on the head with a hammer, and then

the next thing you know, they're walking around in your mansion for the next 60 odd years.

Is that why over on the wall here, you have a gold-plated hammer, and underneath it it says 12 killed?

Well, you know, I should have updated that.

It's actually 14 now, but yes,

yes, and uh, I'm really proud of that gold-plated hammer because anybody can talk about killing somebody, anybody can sing a song about killing somebody.

You know, goddesses know I've written my fair share of songs about murders.

I love songs about murders.

14,

14, and will that be enough to satisfy you?

Mary, I told you to get back out of that basement.

Oh, she was hot.

I can't stay back any longer.

Hello, I'm Gross Mary.

You are.

She is.

Oh, it looks like he also has a silver hammer and a platinum hammer.

Well, you know, the platinum hammer was in Canada, the Canadian northern province of Fun,

which is a lot easier to get.

Right next to Fingaria.

Oh, my.

Oh, wait, there's...

I have come to tell the truth of my old collaborator.

Get out of here, Myrrh.

Myrrh, Myrrh!

No, wait.

Angus, maybe all this should be heard.

Maybe this is something that will give you peace.

Let's let Merr speak.

You know, you're right, Arnie.

Can, whatever your real name is.

I have a story to tell you about my friend.

I thought he was my friend.

Oh, Myrrh.

Yeah,

yeah.

You thought he was your friend and then he hit you with a big hammer.

Well, first, first he insulted me and he said that I just learned how to be magic.

And if I was real, I would have just been born to it.

Well, I mean, that's fair.

I think that's a fair criticism of a magic user.

But if you learn magic, you're kind of just a big human pile of crap, right?

Usidor, Usidor.

I mean, you don't like this.

We're talking to the sorcerer about how he was brutally murdered.

No, he's he's right.

He's right.

I mean,

I've got real bad imposter syndrome, even as a ghost.

It's just not fun being me.

I was the real artist in our songwriting duo.

What songs have you written

since you killed me?

I haven't written any songs.

I don't even know how to write a song.

Do you see what you've done, Angus?

You ruined this man and you took his life.

And you didn't love me the way you said you did.

You just wanted this gross mansion.

And you know what?

I finally got my revenge.

Myrrh and I are sleeping together as ghosts.

Ooh.

Don't tell me that.

That's

that's kind of hot, actually.

Yeah, a little bit hot.

Yeah, you want to watch?

Arnie, look, it seems like Murr

maybe like killed a loot because he has like a ghost loot.

And it seems like him and Gross Mary maybe wrote a duet.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

Someone insists that we hear it.

Listen, listen to this.

I insist, or you said, or you, you insist.

I insist.

I don't want docal playing for you boys now.

Oh,

sing with me, Grosemary.

I'd love to.

It is no

time to win

when you've committed a mortal sin.

you're a murder.

And Hardy, they were fucking the whole song.

I know.

Oh, I guess the whole song.

It sounds like they went for a while.

It was pretty funny.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You know one great thing about learning how to piss straight up.

You can get erections that go all night long.

So you used the toilets on the ceiling too before you died?

Oh, I still use them.

Oh, okay.

It's fun.

I'm the only one who doesn't like the toilets on the ceiling.

Sure.

At least the lids are never down.

Gross Mary,

seems like Angus killed you and your whole family.

Where's your whole family at?

Oh,

they're on a family ghost vacation.

They're on a family.

I sent them on a ghost cruise because we wanted more time to pork.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, it was just like, it was a little, you know, when your whole family's here and you want to have ghost sex and you just can't, you know.

Yeah, when you when you want to pork, you want to make sure you have enough time because if you underdo it on porking, you could get real sick.

Sure.

Yeah.

I don't think you know what kind of pork in the ghosts do, but

I hear what you're saying, though.

If you overdo it too, it can get real dry.

Hey, listen, I don't know.

This is a documentary and historical artifact about me.

I'm the murderer.

I'm the singer.

Why do y'all ghosts keep on taking all my

glory?

Oh, it's because you lied to us.

Yeah,

I did.

Isn't all art just lying?

Aren't we just making stuff up like those boys were doing when they put the key in the door and pretended not to love me?

They love my music.

Wow.

All art is lying.

What a

what an accusation.

Well, just hear them out, Matt.

Yeah, well, you know, you just make something up, you pretend you feel it, you sing it out there to people, and they give you money for it.

That's just like highway robbery.

Well, but there's more to it than that.

Yes, that is the commerce side of it, and of course, artists should be able to eat and make a living, but

don't you do it to reach out to people?

No, you mostly do it for the bar sales.

Okay, okay.

You don't want to inspire people to

think about their lives and to possibly live better lives

or to just feel happiness or consider their lives.

Maybe not even feel happiness, but feel anything.

Grief, sadness, whatever it is you have to share.

Guy, you are a high-falutin one, aren't you?

I have never been

accused of being high-falutin before.

I am but a simple wizard.

And now I doff my gold-trimmed hat to you and say good day as I fly straight up into the sky.

Watch the toilet.

He gave himself a.

Oh, no.

I'm going to aim for him.

Y'all, tell me if I hit him.

No.

Oh, yep.

Wow.

I am impressed.

This is the most impressive thing.

Unbelievable.

Eyeball, eyeball, up the nose, up the nose, mouth, mouth.

How did you get poop up here?

That's peanut butter.

That's poop for sure.

That's poop for sure.

Absolutely.

Well, you know what, Angus?

I mean,

I guess some would maybe say that your approach to art is a little cynical, but you know what?

I believe that there's no wrong reason to make art.

Like, maybe you want to make art to change minds.

Maybe you want to make art for money.

Maybe you want to make art just because you want a lifestyle that lets you sleep in.

None of those are wrong.

You're such a nice young man.

Oh, thank you.

But you know, you're just here to sell t-shirts, right?

I mean, that's what we're all here for.

Just here to sell t-shirts.

Well, yes, I am here to sell t-shirts.

In fact,

that reminds me, we do have an email.

If you don't mind, Angus, could I quickly read an email from someone from Earth?

Please, I'd be honored to request a fan ask me questions from Earth.

It's like I break up a piece of mail made out of light.

And Arnie, just to make sure some holes are just holes, it's still in the merch shop, right?

Yeah, well, we will add that.

Some holes are just holes will be the new chunk shirt.

We got an email where someone said, hi, fellas, and guest, if there is one.

So they did say hi to you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

One time, Arnie said, earth stuff's the worst stuff.

And I loved that so much, I wrote it down in my notes app.

So I think you should make that shirt.

You'll sell at least one.

Anyway, take care and don't die.

Sorry about that, Myr and Grossmary.

Anyway, take care and don't die.

And if you say my name, please note that it's pronounced like Katie, not like Katy.

Katie McC.

Now, why do they need a shirt if they already wrote it down in their notebook?

Well, shirts aren't just to remind you of things, it's to sort of communicate to other people that you're interesting.

Just show them the notebook.

I had an idea for a shirt.

Yes.

Mer, what if it was Ghost Sexy is the most sexy?

This is so good.

This is so good.

Uh, sorry, sorry, Katie McC.

We were gonna do

Earth Stuff is the worst stuff, but Ghost Sexy is the most sexy

is a little bit better.

Can you make it in ghost sizes?

Yeah, Gross Mary, what ghost size are you?

She's extra small.

Extra small G?

G is for ghost.

If you're a girl,

I assumed I wrote that down.

I thought it was for gross.

Come on, we're doing it.

You're a gross ghost.

Oh, we're gross.

Yeah, I'm not sure.

Maybe because of your accent, was I misunderstanding?

It's ghost Mary?

No, No, it's gross.

She's gross.

I mean, okay.

I'm gross.

It's slim pickings up here in Grossland for the ghosts.

I'm always picking my nose.

But

inside and outside, just the whole thing.

That is gross.

She's got a ceiling covered in toilets.

Oh, she did that.

Well, that's her house.

This is Grossland, and I do not want to see the jungle room, please.

Yeah.

Angus added the peanut butter.

Oh, speaking of, Arnie, I found the kitchen.

Let's make peanut butter bread, peanut butter bread, peanut butter bread, bread, peanut butter banana.

Don't banana, banana, anything in here.

Squish that down real small and

oh, Chunt, you are.

You're gonna get food poisoning, there's no question.

And probably Pink Eye.

Sorry, I was just hungry.

Well, I'm sorry, Angus the Artful, but we must be on our way.

And,

well,

I would have gotten away with getting a weapon out of here, too, if it wasn't for you.

It wasn't for you, nosy kids.

I don't get the reference, but I'm really grateful that you guys stopped by here because I don't get many visitors that aren't ghosts whom I murdered.

So thank you.

Yeah, you don't deserve it.

Thank you for not murdering us, I guess, right?

Yeah.

Although I do notice you've got a hammer clutched pretty tightly in your hand.

Dude, get out before he murders y'all.

Get out.

Get out of here.

But Arnie, that would make for great audio.

But I don't want to be murdered again.

Oh, he's raising it above his head.

10 and a half years is enough, isn't it?

No, no, it's not.

Okay,

if we ever think about ending it, we'll definitely come back and let you murder us.

But it was so nice to meet you, Angus.

Nice to meet you, Angus.

Come on!

Tomato!

Tomato!

Oh shit, I ran into

a door, and then I came out on the other side of the hallway from another door.

The ghosts are

shit.

And now that he's chasing us.

He's chasing the ghosts.

He's got his own chasing music.

Oh, no.

Hold on, I've got to say.

I've got to say, though, this chasing music is a bop.

Arnie, don't jump in my arms.

Oh, oh, we're outside.

Holy shit, can I can I ask guys, can we go back inside and run around again while he plays that music?

That was fun as hell.

That was

good.

That was really good.

I think I ran out of my own hat at one point.

That's awesome.

Arnie, one more go?

Okay, let's go back in.

All right,

that'll be fun.

Live music, less talking.

I like where this is headed.

User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunt the Talking Badger was played by Adel Raffai.

Iingus the Artful was played by special guest Rhett Miller.

Rhett is the lead singer of the band Old97s and has a new solo record out this October 10th.

Also, check out his podcast, Wheels Off, Conversations About Creativity, wherever you get your podcasts.

If you'd like a shirt with Arnie saying Earth stuff's the worst stuff, check out that huge pile of debris slowly sinking into the marsh behind the refinery on Route 9.

Oh, we've moved them.

Fine, fine, look for them in our dashery store.

Link in the show notes.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, a behind the tavern, where the cast shares more behind-the-scenes stories.

Arnie, is this the live show where, uh, for some reason I have a gif of you

where you are like standing with your hands uh uh both your elbows straight across uh aligned with your shoulders and then your hands straight down and you're sort of moving your hands back and forth and making a motion with your feet because at the time maybe someone like went up a set of stairs like that or something do you know how i i do know what you're talking about i feel like it was this show but it feels like it couldn't have been that early but i there was a tick tock dance and i was like i i would like to learn this tick tock dance and it's just like a weird like i don't know it's i can't even really describe it and i did not do a good job of doing it and sadly in the time in the intervening time i have not learned to do it or any other TikTok dance.

Are you sure it's Arnie?

You have to check his hands to see if they're mirror-reversed.

His thumb's on the outside.

My hand is not my hand.

My thumbs on the outside.

Yeah, it made sense.

Sure, of course.

Wait a second, hold on.

I'm just realizing that doctor was Matt.

Really draws you in, right?

It's the perfect thing to have on while you also have something else on that you enjoy more that's much louder.

To hear the rest and to learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Marissa Ewing.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.