Season 5, Ep 74 - Monster Under the Bed (w/ Lauren Lapkus)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

Now, this may come as a disappointment, but you're not done.

You've navigated to this page or you've successfully downloaded a file, but now you have to listen to the thing.

I know, I know, but the good news is you can completely tune out.

Or do a bunch of other stuff at the same time.

Think of it like listening to a family member.

Or a person at your front door talking about how we have evil alien ghosts living inside us.

Oh,

that's not where evil alien ghosts live.

They live in an abandoned Dave and Busters outside Madison, Wisconsin.

I wonder if they're doing their big Halloween party this year.

Ugh, I am staying away from the karaoke machine this time.

Unless they have the come-from-away soundtrack, I wouldn't be able to resist.

What were we talking about?

Oh, yes, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Ruffled Feather, in McShingleshane Forest, on the outskirts of Hogsface in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Maia, baby.

Maya?

Huh?

Maya?

Well, I think I said Aya.

What did I say?

I'm pretty sure you said Maya.

Okay.

Are you thinking about your mom?

I think I'm always, that's my secret, Artie, is I'm always thinking about your mom.

I'm always thinking about your mom.

Yeah.

Even though, and oh boy, I don't even want to go here.

Like,

you're thinking about your mom.

You say some nasty shit sometimes.

You're always thinking about your mom?

No, no, no.

I mean, I think it's just like back burner.

So you know how some of the what we call stoves in Foon, the wood-burning stoves?

You know how the fire can like lick underneath one spot and then also lick under another spot?

No, but I understand the metaphor enough.

Okay, so there's front burners and there's back burners.

You can have something on the back burner and something on the front burner and never the twain shall they touch.

I see.

So you're always thinking about your mom in a way subconsciously that you'll never fully understand.

I think so.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Wow, thank you, Doctor.

You can also just have two ideas at the same time.

Huh?

Like,

you can be hungry

while you also want to defeat all the evil in the world.

Whoa,

it's true.

Arnie, it's true.

Think about it.

Close your eyes.

I'm having a hard time thinking about those two things at the same time.

Okay, well, Arnie, are you tired?

You look very tired.

You look so tired.

I'm so tired.

Oh,

and I'm going to talk about why I'm tired.

But before I do that, before I forget, I also do want to introduce my other co-host.

He can think about two things at the same time: Usidor the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis, the Elves know me as Fianyalk, the Dwarves know me as Zonan and Huxtanges, and I'm known throughout the Northeast as Gaswanius Maestar.

Did he say Gaswanius Maastar?

Well,

I don't think so.

Well, I've been thinking about my Maastar.

Yeah.

You're

doesn't have like a.

Before I was born into this world by a contingency of birds and rain and wind and fire that insisted there be a champion.

I was an otherworldly being living in amongst the stars and the heavens and the goddesses, they did grant me a ma star who oversaw me in my youngest days before I was ever even called Usador.

Wow.

Did you ever play basketball with your ma star?

I had to play, I was forced to play basketball against my ma star.

Oh no.

But I came out and in the end, it all worked out.

We found a ringer.

I feel like at the time that felt delightful, but in retrospect, you're like, I don't know, that was kind of shit.

What's going on here?

Why?

Guys, I am so tired.

I was going to say before, you look tired.

More than usual.

I'm usually tired.

Arnie and Foon, if someone looks bad, you say, you look so tired.

Unprompted.

Sure.

And it's kind of a fun thing people do.

I guess so.

Yeah.

But I am legitimately tired because I haven't been sleeping.

I mean, in addition to that.

We can tell because you look terrible.

You look so bad.

Thank you.

Well, in addition to what I can only imagine is undiagnosed sleep apnea that you don't really have anything for that in this world.

But even in addition to that, I think

I'm getting kind of a scared at bedtime, and I don't know why.

You're getting kind of a scared?

I'm getting kind of a scared.

Oh, Yusidor, our sweet little boy is so scared.

Let's get.

Arnie, you know what?

You're Usidor and I, we're going to go up to your room.

We're going to open up the closet.

We're going to look under the bed.

We're going to go through all your books and show you that there's nothing to be scared of oh thanks dad just what you need before going to bed a good tucking

i don't know wouldn't say it that way but okay hey guys come on have you seen my room that i've been renting out on top of the ruffled feather uh oh i i i haven't i don't think i have we haven't had the pleasure let me invited you over to my room for like a pizza party or anything I don't think so.

A beat?

Pizza?

Okay, I got the table.

Just let me get it.

Oh, wait, you're going to carry the table all the way up the stairs?

Yeah, yeah, it's not a a podcast.

I'll help.

I'll help.

There you go.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

Pivot, pivot.

Get it.

Get a leg around.

Get the leg around.

I don't think we're going to be able to get it through this door, though.

That's the.

Fuck it.

Just leave it out here.

Yeah, just leave it out here.

If we feel we've become too disconnected from the premise of the show, we can run out in the hall and touch the table.

Some people say touchgrass.

I say touch table.

Touch table.

Do you you say it enough to wear in a t-shirt or just

I mean,

we have, it's been a while since I've changed my t-shirt.

So I'm just gonna

set the new lowest bar for t-shirts.

I don't know.

That we have reached.

I have had a t-shirt that says big ass donger.

I don't even remember exactly, but some badass donger.

It is a badass donger.

By the way, it's not a bragging point.

All right, Arnie, here we go.

Touch table, new t-shirt in the merch shop.

We'll talk about that later.

Okay.

Okay, so this is my room.

It's a little dirty.

I'm sorry.

I have never cleaned it.

It's okay.

Arnie, is this room tired?

It looks terrible.

It is a little.

I think so.

I think the whole room has a tired energy.

Okay, so Arnie, as you can see in the closet, there's two or three moaning imps.

Totally harmless.

They're more scared of you than you are of them.

Okay.

What else?

What else?

What else?

Okay, but here's the thing.

Here, I'm going to lie down in my bed, and I'm not doing this because I'm hoping to just sleep a little bit during this podcast.

So, okay, I'm lying in the bed.

Whoa, Arnie jumped in that bed

and the only time i get super active is when i'm just like leaping into bed okay so let me get let me what oh see i heard that did you hear that there's a noise i think that's just air escaping from the bed

might be a like a squeaky spring in the

mattress yeah yes yeah i've

checked all the springs there's one way to tell Yeah, you ask a question to the noise, and if the noise answers back, it's a creature.

Oh, okay.

Hello?

I'm a spring.

See, Arnie, it's just

a spring.

Before we go on, I have to take issue with the fact that you ask it a question and then you just said hello.

Well, I said.

So, so far, you haven't actually asked that a question.

You just greeted it.

I said, hello.

Oh, you said hello.

And how rude is it to not greet something that you're asking a question of?

So we got the hellos out of the way.

Okay.

Are you a spring question mark?

Well,

I hate lying, so

no.

Oh,

not a spring.

I'm gonna lift up this

duster and look under here.

Hello.

I like your feet.

I like your feet.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Very dirty.

Oh, yes.

I've been

friend, I don't know your name yet, but I've been traveling all over Foon looking for ways to defeat evil.

So, of course, my feet are encrusted with the dirt and the foul stickiness of the land around us.

But what are you doing under Annie's bed?

My name's Grumby.

Grumby, hello.

Nice to meet you, Grumby.

I'm an under-the-bed monster, so

let's just say I know everything.

You're an Ut-bum shit.

What?

She's an Utbum under-the-bed monster.

Utbum.

Have you been thinking?

Yeah, I'm an Ut-bum.

I'm an U-bum.

Oh, an Upum.

See my shirt?

Upum.

And the back says touch table.

Oh,

take an hour,

all right.

Yeah,

we got poached.

Scrumby, uh, uh,

how

what you said, you know everything.

What, what, what have you learned about?

Oh, whoa, whoa, you said or everybody, whatever, whatever the thing that's been living under my bed knows, we don't necessarily need to know.

Oh, no, that's the first thing we need to find out.

I know exactly what it takes to make you fall asleep at night.

Oh, shit.

A little bit of a old magazine.

Okay.

Some elves on the cover.

With elves.

Arnie.

I like elves.

They relax.

Tittied elves.

Arnie.

Arnie.

Okay.

BTEs.

He often screams about his butt-ass donger or whatever.

Yeah.

This all tracks.

I scream about the low merch sales of the butt-ass big donger t-shirt right before I go to sleep.

Oh, I found the magazine.

It was under his pillow.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

That's it.

Honey on tits?

Yeah.

Arnie.

They're elves with huge tits, and you have to pour honey on them?

Come on.

I thought it was

a magazine.

When I bought it, I thought it was something else.

Okay.

What could you possibly have thought it was?

Now the cover, Arnie, just because I'm really going to put your feet to the fire, the cover is a big titted elf, who I'm sure is very nice, holding...

She is.

She's great.

Oh, you know.

You know her.

Yeah, it's been around forever.

I know everyone.

She's holding two giant pitchers of honey and pouring them simultaneously onto her breasts.

Okay.

Yeah, but the magazine only comes to life if you add your own honey.

What?

It comes to life?

You didn't know that?

I didn't know that.

Geez, you've been wasting your time.

I've been wasting a lot of time.

Yeah, well, anyway, you don't need a sleep apnea machine.

I heard you talking about that, but I got you covered.

Oh, that's sweet.

I just climb in your mouth every night when you start snoring.

Oh, oh, that's very useful.

Whoa, wow, impressive.

Watch me roll.

Licked my feet again.

Thank you you so much.

Keep your feet up if you don't want them licking.

You sort of propel yourself around with your tongue when you're small.

Yeah, it's kind of a foot.

Oh, foot tongue.

Foot tongue.

So, but when you roll around, you collect.

It looks like you, I'm so sorry to say this.

You collect so much dirt and shit in your fur.

I love that.

That makes me smell good.

And then you climb in my mouth at night?

Oh, right.

Yeah.

You snore with your mouth wide open.

So I just climb in there and get really small.

And then I just block the throat so your nose has to do the work.

Smart.

Smart.

What do you, Grumby, what do you see in there when you go in Arnie's mouth?

Oh, well, I mean, first of all, he's not getting in between the teeth.

Let's just say that much.

Frosty could use a little work.

But, you know, I've seen a lot in there.

It's actually once you go inside someone's mouth, you see their dreams.

That's right.

If they're asleep.

If they're asleep.

Yeah.

We all knew that.

If it's sexual and you're just going inside someone's mouth, you don't see anything.

Right.

But if they're asleep and you're going inside someone's mouth, obviously.

You see their dreams.

You see their dreams.

He misses Chicago.

Oh, Arnie.

Oh, Arnie.

Well, of course I dream about Chicago.

And look, I don't want to go on and on about this.

I don't want to get super expositional, but canonically, we know when I'm asleep, I dream my life in Chicago as a way that I both have my life in Foon and my life in Chicago at the same time.

I don't talk about it because I like to have a separate personal life and a show life.

Let's talk about it.

Oh, shit.

But you have been looking for the portal to return yourself back to Chicago recently.

Well, yes.

The original portal.

I've been looking for the original portal that is somewhere in Hogsface because I feel like that's going to help us in our battle with the wizards.

But again, I don't want to get too expositional in this episode.

Well, wait.

So you think that like you want to find the portal so it can help you with your battle, not so you can go home?

Well, look, I technically I am home.

Look, I'm from another world.

This is super complicated.

It's, it's, well,

not this shithole.

That's not, I'm not talking about you guys, who I like and I love in that order.

Nice.

But there's a version of me on Earth that is living my life, raising my child, and there's a version of me here in Foon.

And when I sleep here, I dream about my life on Earth.

And on Earth, when I sleep, I don't know, I dream probably about old cartoons I watched when I was a kid.

Oh, Arnie, speaking of,

you store and I have been testing out sending you through a Wizard Maid portal.

And we sent sort of a fake Arnie through the a portal to chicago and he's stuck in the bean i don't know if that means anything to you he's stuck in the bean he's stuck in the bean he's stuck in the bean there's a there's a man in the bean there's a man in the bean we got a man in the bean here look up in the sky what holy

bean that illuminates your path oh yes yes i'm looking at the man

in the bean that's a great song here i love that recently somebody set foon to easy mode so that there's a bean that shows you your path of where you're supposed to go.

Instead of why don't you just follow that to get to your portal?

Oh, that's a great idea.

Grandi, I should have talked to you sooner.

You seem to really know more about what I should be doing with my life.

Yeah, well, you've been ignoring me.

But Annie, you needed your friends here to help you.

Everyone knows that alone, you should not speak to the monster under your bed.

You must have

stalwart companions by your side.

If you guys leave the room, shit's gonna go down.

Oh, no.

Just letting you know.

You might want to have something to sleep over now that i know you oh first of all i'm gonna remember that slumber second of all now that i know you're here am i always at risk in my room if i'm by myself

you always have been you just didn't know oh

um well why don't we i'm gonna go grab some extra pillows and uh a sleeping bag grumby i'm going to be doing your nails um and like let's take a quick break and we'll come back for a little slumber party touch your table on the way out too oh right right right

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So grumpy.

Look, enough about me and the weird shit I get up to at night.

Never enough, really.

I feel like we should learn more about you.

You're an under-the-bed monster.

Yeah, well, I've been, yeah, lately under the bed.

Yeah.

I've been other things, you know.

Oh, you've done you had other jobs before this.

Yeah,

I started as a tree monster.

I would just jump out of the tree and attack people and then mostly kill them.

That's a great entry-level job for a monster.

Yeah, it's a good starting point.

Yeah, you can just get up into a tree.

Yeah, you don't need a resume or anything.

Yeah, as long as you can fall down.

But then you build your experience and then you can go forth and be like, I've jumped on, you know, 10, 12 people at this point.

Yeah, once I jumped on about 10 or 12 people, people started really taking me seriously in the industry.

Yeah.

And so I was able to kind of, you know, transition into doing more like front stoop work,

kind of just jumping on people's legs when they walked out of their front, you know, the front of their house or their dwelling.

And that was kind of fun for a while.

But I felt that, you know, I wanted to do something a little more supportive of the people that I was around and not so attacky.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, real quick, Grumpy, do you want periwinkle or salmon for your nails?

Salmon nails.

Okay.

And do you want me to get the shit out from underneath your fingers?

No, no, no, no, no.

I've worked hard for that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

When I was born, I had very clean, you know, nails and everything.

And part of being what I am, you know, you kind of have to like build your worth through your nails.

Oh, yeah.

So I've collected a lot of shit.

So this is like a batch of honor.

It is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It shows where I've been, what I've done.

You know, kind of like a patch on your backpack.

I've been wondering lately why my bedroom smelled so bad, and I'm glad to know.

No, it's you farting.

Yeah.

You fart a lot.

I do fart a lot.

When you're asleep, and sometimes you wake up from it and you go, ooh, who said that?

Oh, she put a sleep apnea machine on your butthole.

So don't give her any ideas.

I can handle that.

We'll get that covered.

Don't you worry.

I got friends.

So you graduated for being a tree monster.

Moved to a stoop.

I did stooping.

I did stoop working.

Oh, stupid.

Stoop working.

Yeah, stoop work.

And then I did a couple years as a musician.

Let's not go there.

Yeah.

Failed.

Yeah.

I tried that.

I was jazz or acoustic guitar.

Sort of singer-songwriter, getting out your true inner feelings, sort of thing.

A lot of really sappy shit.

I mean, I don't want to put you on the spot, but we we'd love to hear some of the lyrics if you sure yeah i mean sure nobody nobody liked it but yeah i'll sing it

i got a dream i got a dollar i got a dream and i got a dollar i got a dream i got a dollar i got a dream and i got a dollar

yeah you made the right choice

i'll give you that oh no that's stuck in my head i've got a dream i've got a dollar i've got a dream i've got a dollar

i mean it's it is catchy and it's i think you're i well you're kind of giving me confidence.

Do you like having confidence or would you prefer to do that?

It makes me feel terrible.

Okay.

Okay.

I hate having confidence.

Well, in that case, we thought your song was awful.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah, bottom 40 for sure.

Good.

Bottom 40 of all?

Yeah, I don't know.

Do you check the weekly bottom 40s?

Yeah, I mean, so they just listen to every song ever and then rate the worst ones.

Right, right.

So you know which songs not to listen to.

Yeah.

It's an entertaining show.

Not to be confused with this magazine, I have bottom 40.

You love that one.

You love that one.

Now,

that one's interesting.

It's all gnomes.

Because you know, gnomes famously have great asses.

Oh, perfect asses.

Yes.

I mean, that's the stereotype.

Not all gnomes have great asses.

Okay, do you know one that doesn't?

Yeah.

Show me one gnome with a flat ass.

I mean, I don't want to perpetuate the stereotype, but...

I can't think of a gnome with a badass.

We got that shelfed up cake.

I hate that people are always asking, are you an elf elf tip guy or a gnomass guy?

And I'm like, why can't I be both?

Right.

Arnie, that's the shirt.

We charge by the letter.

Oh,

I think that's a great shirt.

I would wear that.

I'm concerned that it actually would be a great seller.

I kind of think you do front, elf tip, guy, back, gnome shelf guy.

What was it?

No mask guy.

Gnome shelf.

Gnome ass.

No mass guy.

Maybe you say no mass guy and then cake shelf in parentheses.

Yeah.

It'll make a lot of sense.

Oh, I love t-shirts with a parenthetical.

If someone sees you from either direction, you have to be like, hold on, hear me out.

Yeah.

Do you think I'm just an elf tits guy?

I got more going on than that.

You got to look at the back.

You must read the other side of this shirt before you judge me.

You're a little more complex than just the front of my shirt.

Okay, so I think it says, Elf tit guy, parentheses, I'm a little more complex than just the front of my shirt.

Gnome ass guy.

Parentheses, cake shelf.

Yes.

Sold.

I love laminated.

Yeah.

That's what makes it work.

Because you just, yeah, you instantly understand.

Yeah, yeah.

You get all the info.

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, wait a minute.

What's this under

the bed?

There's a tiny, sort of a tiny grumby-size magazine.

Don't do it.

You need to do it.

Dirty floor dicks.

No, come on.

Come on.

Come on.

But we'll look at what they're from.

They're not the kind of dicks you think.

Okay, let's see.

Oh, it's a bunch of guys named Richard.

Oh,

covered in their own filth.

And they're kind of being assholes.

Okay.

Yeah, they're floor dicks.

Dirty floor dicks.

They work on different floors of corporate office buildings, and they're assholes.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

A lot of guys from Northeast, yeah, who are, you know, into trades, you know, that sort of, that sort of guy.

Yeah, but, you know, I like that because it's it kind of comes from, actually, Arnie, it's from your world.

I got that on crazy web, you know.

Wait, you've been using my phone at night to search the internet?

Yeah, but you oh i've been using your i've been using your connection to the wi-fi i've been just tethering it to my device and then i just look at you know the crazy web which is where we can get shit from the other world arnie i was gonna say it seems like a lot of people in foon recently have been talking about a movie on your planet called Boiler Room with Giovanni Rabisi.

Apparently, I don't know if that was Grumby's doing, but I guess you're gonna update your browser.

I love that movie.

I love that movie.

I love Giovanni Rubisi.

I love everything he's ever done.

I've seen every single thing, including any commercial he ever made as a child.

Whoa.

List them.

Fruit Loops.

He did one for like Koosh.

Oh, yeah.

Kind of inspired by Look Act.

Sean Usidor, trust me.

These things are more innocent than they sound.

Yeah.

And then he, you know, he's done Friends and The Other Sister and whatever.

Yeah, a lot of good stuff.

The other sister.

I think that's what it was called.

The other sister.

Whoa,

trust me.

Let's not talk about the other sister.

How rude to call somebody the other sister.

Trust me.

Let's not talk about the other sister.

I mean, I've only seen his scenes.

Just a super cut.

Yeah, I only see his scenes of everything he's ever done.

So I don't really know the plot of Boiler Room.

I don't know any plots or anything he's done.

I've just seen the scenes.

So you took your tiny crystal ball that you keep with you there under the bed and you connected it to Ani's

Wi-FiFi, and then you've found just purely Giovanni Rubisi-based Rubisi-based content.

Yeah, it actually started because it was a complete typo.

I just, you know how sometimes you're typing in, you click every wrong letter.

So I actually, I typed Giovanni Rubisi.

I don't even know what I was looking for, but it's just.

You fell on the keyboard.

Gio Crystal Ball.

And the words Giovanni Rubisi was just there.

You know what?

I once passed out while on Arnie's laptop, and when I lifted myself off the laptop, it said Giovanni Rubisi.

Okay, something's going on there.

Is that a you thing?

Okay, I have a hotkey set up.

One time it was that, and one time it said Marquise Grissom from the Montreal Expos.

Does that make sense, Arnie?

That's specific.

That one doesn't mean anything to me.

Marquise Grissom.

Okay.

I once head-buttered the keyboard in Angar, and it said Utah Hagen.

Utah Hagen.

Utah Hagen.

Or is that what you said when it hurt?

Ootahagen!

Arnie, when are you going to go to sleep?

Good question, Arnie.

When are you going to go to sleep?

I mean, you look tired.

You look like shit.

You look terrible.

I mean, I guess so.

If I go to sleep and you guys are here to watch over me, we can maybe learn more about what happens when I sleep.

Yeah, well, that could be good.

I mean, I'm happy to do my little thing for you.

Okay.

I don't know how I feel about this, but.

Well, take off your clothes.

He wears boxers.

I do.

Were you going to say to his comfort?

Because that's where Chunt.

Let's pull up a chair while Arnie takes off his clothes.

Okay.

To your comfort, Arnie.

To your your comfort.

I'll sit on the floor here.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't offer you a chair.

Would you like a chair?

No, no, no, no, no.

I like it on the floor.

Okay, that's right.

Okay.

Yeah, you could tell.

Like, amongst your beings, like,

where is the floor in the hierarchy, right?

Like, it's better than the trees.

It's better than stoops.

Is there another place that you aspire to be?

Well, my real dream, if I'm being completely honest, is to be underneath a mousetrap underneath the floorboard.

So if you have a mouse stuck under your floorboard and then you put a mousetrap under there, I want to go under that and I want to lie completely flat.

And when the mousetrap goes off, I want to feel it.

It's the strangest bedtime story.

He

came right out.

Passed out while pulling his pants down.

Look at him.

Yeah, see how he leaves his mouth open.

Just get right in there.

Oh, yes.

Oh, wait, wait, Grumpy, before you go all the way in,

are you able to shrink us down so we can join you?

Yeah!

Oh, yeah, here.

Uh, rub this lamp.

Okay.

Everybody else?

There you go.

And shrink-um.

Did you say shrink-ems?

Yeah.

Gotta remember that spell.

Whoa.

Arnie's tongue goes all the way back.

Now, remember, this is a non-sexual thing, so we'll be able to see his dreams now.

Okay.

Yeah, as long as you keep it that way.

Hold on, Chunt.

This is a non-sexual thing, right?

Fine.

All right.

This reminds me of when I was in school, my teacher shrunk down our school cart, and we all went inside a human body.

But then while we were inside of it, the magic spell wore off and we exploded the guy.

Wow.

Yeah.

Whoa, I don't believe you.

Okay, fine.

I made it up.

I want attention.

Okay, we'll give it to you.

Okay, come on, come on, come on.

Let's go over here.

Whoa.

You gotta see this.

Look down his throat.

Oh, it's like a tar pit.

It's like bubbling down there.

Yeah, this can be good.

Whoa.

Yeah, does he ever complain about stomach aches?

All the time.

Yeah, he's gotta get this checked out.

Because this could all be removed.

We have a crew that can kind of come in here and clean this out.

Is this part of your contingency of fellow under-the-bed monsters who do excavations in particular types of gut work?

We have some guys who do that, and then the people who actually do the crew.

The crew people are actually just a little smaller than me, if you can imagine.

Which you should be able to.

I'm not that small.

I mean, I'm small right now, but.

Hold on, let me try.

Can I imagine something smaller than Grumpy?

Think you, Sudor.

Think.

You can do it.

Imagine something smaller.

I believe in you.

I've done it.

What did you come up with?

A pebble.

That's fair.

That's about the size of these guys.

And they get down there with little brooms that are smaller than them.

I don't know if you can picture that.

Yeah, okay, got it, got it.

Okay, and little buckets.

And those are smaller than the brooms.

And they go in there and they just start sweeping and digging and they just pull out everything and they just kind of throw it up onto the tongue.

And then usually if I'm in here, I'll push it out.

But he wouldn't even know.

He could be completely asleep.

Yeah, we should.

There's a lot of work to be done inside here.

I'd love this thing to go.

That should go.

We should pull this out.

New walls here, I'm thinking.

Yes.

I'd love a light fixture on these walls.

I'm just going to throw this out here.

What if we made Arnie completely open concept?

Oh, my gosh.

Yes.

Got rid of his thing.

You like that now, but I think it's a trend.

I think in a few years we're going to say we want the walls back.

So that's going to be harder to do.

So I don't know.

Just think about this.

Think about if you like the separate space.

You know, sometimes if you're on the phone in here,

you don't want everyone hearing your conversation, you know.

Rubby, how do you feel about conversation pits?

I love that.

70s throwback.

So cool, right?

We could put one over here.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

Oh, my God.

It says, look, there's sort of like a ghostly inner Arnie.

I don't know if this is his inner subconscious or.

I'm just talking to him.

I've never seen this guy.

Hello, friend.

Hey, buddy.

buddy.

Hi.

I'm...

I'm Arnie Nikamp.

I'm a...

I'm Arnie Nikamp's inner monologue.

Do you recognize us?

Yeah.

You're Usidor the Wizard.

You're Chunt the Badger.

And you're.

Huh.

You're Grumby?

The monster that lives under my bed?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm like Arnie, but I say only the things Arnie doesn't say out loud.

So I don't say very much.

Can we hear an inner monologue?

Maybe one comedic, one dramatic?

Okay, sure.

Which would you like me to start with?

Dramatic.

Okay.

Huh.

I

shrunk myself down

and inserted myself into Martin Short.

Now I'm.

There's got to be a better way to phrase that.

So I want to assure this because I inserted myself into myself.

Stop and making my dramatic monologue.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

We'll let you reset.

We'll let you reset.

Okay, no, no, you've ruined it.

I'm sorry.

I'm out of the headspace for doing monologues.

Oh, wow.

That was

Well, welcome to my head.

Wait,

you think you'd share things that are private?

Maybe we asked a question.

I mean, do you have a filter or no?

I mean, I don't have a filter.

Here's the thing.

Arnie will later edit this episode.

Well, who am I kidding?

This episode won't be edited.

But in theory, things could be edited out if they become too personal.

Here's my question.

I'll start us off because I'm going to ask what the listeners have been thinking all these years.

I hope his first question is, hello.

Of course, that's the standard way to greet someone.

That's what I was going to ask.

Yeah, it's a little rude he didn't say it.

That is rude.

Hello.

Hello.

Very nice.

Are you and Chunt ever really gonna hook up?

This is what the listeners want to know.

In the future?

I said air.

Do you not know what air means?

E, apostrophe, E-R.

Simple word.

Simple word?

Oh, it seems like it might be two words together, but it's not.

No, it's just taking a V out of one word.

Arnie, you're my air, bud, and there's nothing in the rules that say we can't hook up.

I'm gonna say na'er again.

Wait, you guys did?

What?

Is that what that means?

I think.

That's what happened.

Chunt, spill.

Wait, did we hook up?

Whoa, did you guys hook up with so many people you can't remember?

No, I thought I dreamed it.

Maybe Arnie and I did hook up.

I feel like we did once kiss.

Chunt, hello.

Uh, do you have a filter?

Uh,

every Every once in a while.

Can we go inside of Junt's mouth?

Yeah, can we shrink down smaller than this?

Arnie, we're going to bring your inner self.

Rub this lamp.

Okay, I'm incorporeal.

Can I still rub it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, thank God.

Make sure you don't shrink them.

Shrink him.

Okay, now go this way.

All right.

I'm not asleep, bro.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, and you're the tiny version of yourself.

So this is kind of, we're like within Arnie's body, within your body.

It smells like Badger coming here, yeah.

It smells nasty.

I love it.

Uh, Chunt, uh, could you fall asleep real quick, or should I put you to sleep?

I mean, like, not like put you down,

uh, I'll go, but you're going to bed.

Okay, oh, wait, were we not supposed to go in here before he felt like no?

We should have waited, but that's all right.

We're impatient.

Okay, have some dreams, baby.

Oh, there he is.

There's a little uh incomp incompore version of Chunt.

Income.

Income.

come income

Still doesn't know his inner monologue

is all wordplay Chunt, it's us Hey Chunt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Are you are you are you you or are you you within you?

Me within me.

Oh, are you asleep too?

Yeah,

oh

so his inner monologue goes to sleep when he's asleep.

I guess it makes sense.

Any maybe that's why you're not getting enough rest.

Maybe the inner you also needs to rest.

Oh, yeah, you're supposed to go to sleep, I guess.

Oh, that's weird.

Well, let's see what Usidor is doing, because maybe he's got something else going on.

Chuck, we're leaving you.

I had the strangest dream.

So

we're getting in my mouth now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, Chunt.

Get in there.

All right, I'm going to put my shelf.

Whoa.

Whoa, it's like a starry night in here.

Yeah, it's just sort of like a almost a void.

I guess it has, there's sort of like a cold cave floor, and then there's just millions of little pinprick lights in here.

This is

a message.

Oh, there's like a tour, there's like a message like when you go on a tour, like would you have like audio tour for a museum or something?

Oh, what's he saying?

Let me do it at two times speed.

Welcome, welcome to my inner user.

This has been the best place to find all the secrets of the universe, the greatest whisper, and all of whom.

Now, you find a

half speed.

Now, find all the questions you've

Can you switch it to the blooper real?

Yeah, let's hear some thoughts.

Yeah.

Loser.

Yeah, let's rewind that.

Let's rewind that.

Let's do it again.

I fell down and I fought it.

Ah, so good.

So good.

Hey, I was in the recording.

That's weird.

That's so weird.

Yeah, maybe you've been in here before and you just didn't know it.

Maybe he tripped away.

I have.

Hmm, this is confusing.

Well, I don't know if I've ever had someone trip over me and then I fell in their mouth, but maybe it's happened.

I guess I never say never.

What?

Has anyone ever been in your mouth?

No.

No one's ever asked.

Grummy, would you mind if we all shrunk down and went inside of you?

I'd actually really love it.

Well, why don't we take a quick break?

I'll grab some pillows and we'll go see what's going on inside of Grumby.

Yeah, we should name this episode Never Been Mouthed.

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Grumpy, wait, wait, hold on.

Are there any dangers to what we're doing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

There's like a lot of bad stuff in there.

There's like like sharks that are three-headed.

There's like all sorts of like weird creatures.

Things that I've eaten that, you know, everything I've eaten stays alive.

Well, I don't digest.

You ate a three-headed shark and it lives inside your head?

Yeah.

Cool.

Okay, let's see.

Some more questions.

Fuck yeah.

Shrinker.

Well, it is dark in here, much darker than in everyone else.

Okay, I see the three-headed shark, but there's no water, so it's just kind of flopping.

Don't kick it, that's not nice.

Oh, okay.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Are you the inner grumby?

Yep.

Hello.

Hello.

Nice greeting.

Granaces.

Have

you

fulfilled your life's dream yet?

I know you wanted to be a singer at one point, and you have dreams of living under a mousetrap, but is there anything else?

Some inner secret that only the inner Grumby can reveal?

Well, the inner grumby does everything I want.

And in here,

I own Capital Records.

Oh.

Arnie, you know Capital Records, right?

I mean, there's a Capital Records on my world.

Is there something?

I don't know what the Foon Capital Records is.

In Northeastia, the king of Northeastia, currently Tom Blaine, he has a bunch of records, files, and he keeps them there in the Capitol.

I want to own those and I want to see what's in them because I'm sick of this government secrecy.

Oh, I see.

You're so good.

I'm about to charge and get in there and see what's going on.

If Arnie owned a record store, we called Virgin Records.

Nice.

Loser.

I wish I could high-five you, but I'm incorporeal.

That's quite all right, Grumpy.

Inner Grumpy.

I just hope that if you wished,

you seem like a pretty fully realized person, but it seems like you still do want to uncover these government secrets.

Yeah.

We are no friends to King Tomblane at this time.

He was a former friend of ours.

So if you need any assistance in

finding those records or overthrowing the current government,

we'll happily assist.

I'll happily assist.

I won't speak for my comrades.

I'd be down.

I think we should do it.

Let's do it.

Oh, look, Grumby, the Incaporal Grumpy's taking out an Incoporo guitar.

I want the government to go on down, go on down, underground.

I want the government to go on down, go on underground.

It all makes more sense when you realize she's a folk singer.

Like, it sort of sounds right.

Right.

See,

I know I'm pretty good, but now my confidence is getting higher and I feel like shit.

Oh, right, right, right, right.

Boo.

Thank you.

Yes.

There's a lot of other weird stuff in here.

Like, apparently Grumby has like a little orange horse in here named Proky.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That thing just melts

and it remakes itself every day.

Oh, look, here's our.

Remember when we had like an upside-down flying giraffe?

It's in here.

Watch out.

Whoa.

The upside-down flying giraffe named Spider-Man?

Yes.

You ate our upside-down flying giraffe that we haven't seen in weeks and weeks?

I guess so.

Well, the good news is it's still alive.

Or maybe it was a camel.

What is a piss camel?

Oh, wait, hold on.

This isn't a...

This is a.

This is a similar house.

No, no, we have both

giraffe.

We had both.

We had an upside-down Okay, all of horses

Maybe wait where's grapes?

Didn't I have a goat named grapes?

All our horses are somewhere.

Yeah,

okay, what else?

What oh look at this look at this.

Oh, look at this.

There's a little trapdoor.

Oh, yeah, no go in there.

Oh, don't go in there.

Oh, you're already going Yeah, let's go in there's childhood on the what this is childhood scrawled in okay let's

oh this must be young grumby

young oh youngie grumby look at young grumby cute but

Trying to climb a tree, desperate to get up to the top of the tree.

This was a sad memory.

Such a scamp.

Oh, look, here's Grumby drinking milk in front of a mirror and seeing like an older version of themselves.

Oh, yeah, that's when I was imagining my future muscles.

Yeah.

Wow.

Hey, let's get out of here.

Let's get out of here.

No, wait, wait.

Hang on a second.

Here's a version of Grumby that's eating fruit loops.

One that loves kush balls.

Oh, God.

Holy shit.

Here's like a teenage grumpy fucking Giovanni Rubisi.

Well, hold on, hold on, hold on.

This isn't real.

This isn't real.

This is just

my mind.

Anybody can think anything, right?

He keeps saying I'm going to come in 60 seconds?

Yeah, what's that a reference to?

Come in 60 seconds.

I can't tell you.

I can't tell you.

Get out of my trapdoor.

We should get out of here.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah.

What did he just say?

One minute?

That was.

Inner grumby.

I'm you know, you know, I actually think I think you guys need to leave Grumby.

I think you need to leave Grummy.

I think you'll see.

I'm gonna go touch the tail real quick.

Sorry, I just woke up.

That means I had the strangest dream.

What was it?

Um,

had a lot to do with Giovanni Rubisi.

It was mostly me trying to remember other things he was in.

Um,

well, good dream.

Horizon Part One, maybe

Arnie.

You don't have to do this.

Arnie, do you feel more relaxed now?

Do you feel like you got a better, better sleep now that we all climbed inside of your mouth?

I guess so.

Ugh.

Although my mouth does taste like badger cum now.

Can't be the first time.

I'll never knew what it tasted like.

Got you there.

Well, hey, you know, Arnie,

I have to say, it's been a real pleasure being under your bed all this time.

Oh, thank you, Grumby.

But

I actually have to be rolling along.

I've been given a new assignment.

A new assignment?

As you mentioned before, you knew almost everything because you've been so many places and lived for almost forever.

Yeah, yeah.

I have to roll along and get out of here now.

There's another bed that needs me.

Oh.

Can you share with us some details or a little glimmer into your next assignment or is it top secret?

Well, the bed's really small.

Okay.

And it has two little

an elf couple.

Okay.

I'm listening.

An elf couple sleeping in a small bed?

Oh, I see.

Yeah, and they're beautiful.

Two beautiful.

You actually probably wish you could have this job, honestly.

Now, for no reason, this isn't important, but you had mentioned recently that you know the elf from the cover of this magazine.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, hypothetically, if someone wanted to try to get in touch with them, just to kind of like.

Well, look, I'd have to ask her if it's okay, but just between you and me, you just, all you have to do is take a flashlight and stick it out your window and put it straight to the sky.

That's still, that's just, that's her call.

Oh, like Batman?

Yeah.

Yeah.

But with no, nothing on it.

No silhouette.

Just say, just, she'll know.

She'll know it's you.

Does she accidentally get summoned a lot?

Yeah, yeah.

It's embarrassing.

She'll show up and be like, what are you doing here?

Yeah, but she won't change it.

Seems like there'd be an easier way to get a hold of her that would be less confusing to people who just love shining lights into the sky.

Look, I can't help her.

I can't help you.

If you want to meet her, just do it.

You're going to get her.

You should try.

You should try.

She's single right now.

Grumby.

This is very good information to have.

They may assist our friend Arnie.

Or Chunt if he's faster.

You should make a race of it.

Ooh, we should make a race of it.

Arnie, what do you say?

Gentleman's agreement?

I guess I don't really.

I don't know.

What do I have to offer?

I don't even have any honey.

Isn't it just like two gentlemen to race to try and hook up with a big-titted elf?

Isn't it just like a gentleman?

Isn't this how every story ends?

Hey, my idea.

Grumby, you get full credit.

And Grumby, you get full credit for the t-shirt.

Remind us what that t-shirt says.

It says

on the front,

big-titted elves.

There's more to this story than meets the eye.

Yeah.

Big ass gnomes, parentheses, cake shelf.

Something like that.

Got it close.

Grammy, your legacy will live on in t-shirt form.

Thank you so much for everything.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for coming to talk to me, but yeah, I gotta go.

Good luck in your next assignment.

That was terrifying the way she pushed herself out of here with her tongue.

Her tongue touched almost every surface in like a matter of seconds.

She rolls so fast.

Oh, I forgot my suitcase.

You know, I feel like if she used the acoustic guitar and did, like,

like, if she did that sound, that could be a song, right?

Oh, I forgot my guitar.

She keeps coming back.

I think Grumby keeps coming back on purpose.

Oh, I forgot to say, it was really nice meeting you guys.

Hugs.

Aww.

It was nice to meet you too, Grumby.

Nice to meet you too, Grumby.

Grumby, I didn't know you were here all this time, but I will definitely feel your absence.

Ah.

We hope that someday you return to haunt us under our beds again.

If you're lucky,

keep those feet dirty, buddy.

I cannot waste any time in telling you, the listener, that none of the shirts mentioned in this episode will actually be made into shirts.

Unfortunately, there are two new shirts inspired by recent live shows.

The Trail of Destruction Never Ends.

To see the Charlotte live show shirt, which apparently involves a dating pool, and the Richmond Live Show shirt, which is apparently Usador wearing a shirt with a robot on it, visit our dashery store.

Link in the show notes.

Hey, this is Arnie from Earth, interrupting with a quick correction slash update we thought we were not gonna do the shirt from this episode and then against all reason and with special thanks to Anna Hoverman I am not responsible we did make the shirt after all and it is currently available in our dashery store along with the live show t-shirts So if you go to our show notes and click on that link, you can buy a shirt that on the front reads, Elf Titsky, and then in parentheses, I'm a little more complex than just the front of my shirt.

And then on the back of the shirt, it reads, Nomasky, and then in parentheses, cake shelf.

Our first shirt with a front and a back.

You can buy that.

And I think some of you weirdos will.

And if you do get a shirt, please take a picture, send it to us on social media or via email.

Bonus points if you're wearing it in public.

Okay, that's the update.

We made another impossibly stupid shirt.

Then you can get it in lots of different colors, etc.

Okay, back to the credits.

Use it or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Grumby, the monster under the bed, was played by special guest Lauren Lapkiss.

Check out Lauren in the movie The Wrong Missy and the upcoming HBO Max series, Stewart Fails to Save the Universe.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, a behind the tavern, where the cast shares more behind-the-scenes stories.

I do have one more sort of weird story about talking to David Plotts about like weird, weird stories

from my head and from my mind.

Why don't people understand weird stories?

I talked in a previous episode about before maybe like like we went to like Emerald City Comic-Con or whatever that I'd been in the hospital for

an impacted bowels or something like that.

And I ended up being fine.

But then like half a year later, it happened again.

And I ended up in the hospital again.

And I was literally in the emergency room.

And David Plotz called me back.

And I was just sort of like,

I have to take this.

I was, I was in the emergency room.

I think they were literally like wheeling me through the halls.

Like I was on a bed

being wheeled through the halls.

And I was like, I'm going to answer this.

So I'm talking to him on the phone.

And I'm sort of like trying to explain the show and figure out what he's going to do in this show.

in a bed being pushed by an orderly.

And I imagine they must have thought I was a crazy person.

Just going to the halls being like, and you're in a magical world.

And I fall in three-dimensional portal.

And I just must have seemed insane.

Such an ongoing torrent of stories.

Story after story.

It's like sap dripping from a maple tree.

Except with that, you eventually get something sweet and delicious.

To hear the rest, mmm, and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Anna Hoverman.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

I got a dream, I got a dollar, I got a dream, and I got a dollar.

I got a dream, I got a dollar, I got a dream, and I got a dollar.