Season 5, Ep 75 - Planning Meeting

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

But what is real is autumn, arriving in full force, and that means a log or two on the fire, a cozy flannel shirt on the fire, an acoustic guitar on the fire, a thick woolen scarf, a big bulky sweater, and three industrial containers of pumpkin spice stolen from Starbucks in the middle of the night, all on the fire.

What I'm saying is I don't enjoy autumn.

Now sit back and enjoy the show.

All right, let me grab my gavel.

I officially call this meeting of Hello from the Magic Tavern to order, where we will check in on our progress and all things.

First order of business, starting the podcast.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Food.

I'm a podcast from the Magical Land of Food.

Oh, yes.

Are you keeping the are you writing the are you writing this all down?

Yes.

Just respond with short words so I don't have to type my own words.

Oh, okay.

From the magical land of Foon, I'm your host, Arnie Niecamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the Dimensional Rift, and I used that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the ruffled feather, in McShingle Shane Forest, on the outskirts of Hogsface in the magical magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined by my sonographer, Chunt the Talking Badger.

Oh yo Bobo.

Oh yo Bobo.

Hey, can you read all that back to me?

What we have so far?

Okay, let me grab my gavel.

Here it is.

I'm now calling to order the meeting, the magic tavern meeting.

I got spaghetti all over it.

Wait, and then you can't remember the part.

You can't read the part that I've said hundreds of times.

Yeah, sorry, I got got spaghetti all over it.

Oh, so much spaghetti.

Ooh, spaghetti.

I forgot Usidor is a little spaghetti fiend.

Oh, he's slurping spaghetti right off

of your scroll.

Can I just say,

I love

cooking spaghetti with Usidor.

He will grab a single strand of spaghetti.

He'll make it look like a little wand.

He'll pretend to cast little cooking spells.

It's just so much fun.

Is there a pasta wizard?

Well, of course.

There's a wizard who deals mostly in barleys and grains, but that includes pastas.

Oh, I see.

You're sure.

Wow, a real carbloated wizard.

Forndiferous of the Buccatini.

You know, you don't hear about him a lot because, like, you know, what's he really gonna do?

I mean, sure.

Not that significant, really.

But I hear he's very handsome.

I heard he's a real penny dropper.

Oh, yes, definitely.

Yes.

He drops penne into every single pot he goes past.

Hmm.

Don't get your pennies in a twist.

Am I right, Arnie?

Sure.

Or don't.

That's a Rigatoni move.

Oh, yeah.

If you twist Penne, it becomes Rigatoni.

So.

Yeah, I guess.

Oh.

Don't get your pennies in a twist.

You shouldn't say that in front of him, though.

Oh?

Why not?

His cousin.

Rigatony.

Well, Riga Anthony.

Yes.

Yes, please.

Please.

Use the formal name.

Yes, Anthony passed away, sadly, and then

he had to be posthumously.

Posthumously?

Oh, no.

Taxidermied.

Oh, oh,

posthumously.

So that's what...

Originally his name was just Anthony.

And then once they taxidermied him, that's how he became Rigatoni.

Oh, because

Rigo Mora sets in.

Yes, exactly.

Wow.

Well, that all worked out pretty good.

Not for Anthony, but just in terms of some of the funny.

And so, Chun, could you read all that back?

No,

I got spaghetti on it.

Oh, spaghetti.

So much spaghetti.

Oh, you sidor.

Aren't you gonna.

Okay, I'll just a little.

Whoa, that smacked you right in the face.

Oh, yeah.

Now I got this red line on my face.

Everyone's going to hate listening to this.

Oh, that's right.

Oh,

next order of business, I'd like to introduce...

Oh, you sidor, do you have like Chunstenographer?

Oh.

I realize we didn't actually come up with like an official title for or even knowing what you bring to the table for this planning meeting.

Oh,

let's see if

ChunceStenographer, and then you're the...

What are you?

I'm the host.

Do meetings have hosts like this?

Usually you'd be like the board president or something like that.

Alright, I am board, and I am the president.

I suppose then I could be the man-at-arms.

Ooh, I like the way you said that.

Better be man-at-arms.

That was fun.

Okay.

Well, I would like, I'll use my gamble.

I would like to introduce the man-at-arms, Usador the Wizard.

I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakas, the Elves know me as Fianelic, the dwarves know me as Zonan and Huxanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maestar.

And today,

I stand stalwart at this meeting.

Spaghetti.

Let everyone know that none shall pass on mine watch.

I, serving here as man-at-arms, shall not let anything go awry.

And He-Man's secret will always be safe with me.

And I think during these meetings, Arnie, I think we usually call him Pasta Williams.

Pasta Williams?

Yeah, that's what I call you, sir, when we're eating spaghetti.

Oh, I see.

That's his.

his.

And the chunts, when we're eating spaghetti, call me Pasta Williams.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's in the list somewhere.

I'm sure I've said it.

Probably.

I'll check the wiki.

Arnie, if you're worried about people not wanting to listen to us sort of, you know, slurp down noodles, maybe we do like Slurpin' Saturdays where we, you know, record some episodes on the weekend and it's all about the noise.

Oh.

Could we bring the noise?

Bring the noise?

Bring the funk?

Oh,

I think.

It's more than I was ready to sign up for.

I was just willing to bring the noise.

Oh, yeah.

I guess the funks.

I really kind of shoehorned that in there.

So let's just do the noise.

We'll just bring the noise.

Sure, sure.

You Sudor, here's my question.

Yes.

What does...

What is the man-at-arms?

Like, what do you do?

Like, is it just like you hold swords?

Protect?

Protect.

Yes, I protect you here in this meeting.

I see.

So in case, in case some band of ruffians comes along and tries to interrupt our meeting, it's sort of an archaic thing.

You know, a lot of meetings now happen just, you know, in a room with people sitting around a table

talking about things.

And there isn't a chance that perhaps, you know,

some band of

brigands would come along and take all of your things.

It was sort of an archaic thing where you got someone who's on guard while you're having your meeting because probably you are sitting on a stump.

Wait, figuring out where you're going to go next because you didn't have a home.

Oh.

People used to be nomadic here in Foon.

Did you know that, Ani?

I didn't know that.

When did cities start?

Ooh, I want to say.

Let's see.

I want to say it was more than six years ago.

Yeah, sure.

I remember there being cities when I first showed up.

Okay.

Less than ten.

Maybe.

Less than ten, because I've been here more than ten.

Okay, maybe it was more than ten then, Chun.

I don't know.

Or when I say cities, I mean, I guess I mean towns also.

Yeah.

Let's see.

There's so many ancient

castles and

keeps and fortresses.

Do we count like

ants undergrounds?

Is that a city?

Is ants undergrounds a city?

I would count it.

Okay.

So thousands and thousands of years.

Oh, okay.

All right.

So fair.

Which still,

in my defense, is more than six.

That is true.

That's just good math.

I have another follow-up question, and I don't really even care about this one any more than the other one.

What's a brigand?

Oh, you know, like a brigand the funk, bringing the noise.

Duh.

What is with you in the funk?

Artie, how could you yell at me?

Look, I'm covered in blood.

I'm covered in blood.

It's past, mostly pasta sauce.

And probably it's in some blood because you see how you have yourself.

Well, you see, Annie, you know what a thief is, correct?

Yes.

And you know what a burglar is, and you know the difference.

Yes, and I also know what a ham burglar is.

Of course.

Yes.

It's a burglar who steals ham.

And a ham thief.

That's a ham thief.

I'm sorry, you're right.

That is a ham thief.

A brigand.

A brigand, what they love to do is they love to wear a scarf around their face.

And they love to ride up on a horse while you're in your carriage and steal your valuables.

Occasionally, to mix it up, they will swing out of a tree at you.

Oh, huh.

So you wear a scarf on your face and you get a whole name, the whole name for that, like a whole distinct name.

It's like, I'm not a thief, I'm a brigand.

sort of a, they're sort of, they're sort of like road adjacent.

It's very much about like being on the road, attacking people while they're on the road.

That's the brigands' territory.

Thieves, they're gonna hit you up in an alley.

Burglars, they sneak into your house like a real motherfucker.

But brigands, they wait till you're out and about, got no one around, and that's why you needed a man-at-arms back in the day when everyone was nomadic and everyone was traveling on the road.

Then it was imperative that you had someone constantly standing guard.

Excuse me, boys.

Are you two talking about brigands?

Pardon my long yellow hair.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Drowsy.

Wow, wow, wow.

Sorry, guys, just goofing.

That's spaghetti.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

That was a hero spaghetti.

I just need to take a moment to come to terms with how I felt about all that.

To rethink everything.

Arnie, why'd you grab a big pillow?

I'm tired.

Pillow on the lap.

I'm so tired.

All the the blood has left my head.

Why does your big pillow have a picture of a girl with gigantic eyes painted on it?

Yeah, Artie.

What's going on?

That's my new girlfriend.

Oh.

Anchante.

Anchante, pillow.

Is her name Pillow or?

Her name is Anchante.

Oh.

Anchante, Anchante.

Yeah.

Anyway, next order of business.

Yep.

Speaking of all this blood on you, Chund, any planning going on for Chun for Red October?

It's coming up in a couple weeks.

Yes, a little bit of planning, but I think you'll find it's not your typical Chunt for the Red October.

Mm-hmm.

Great.

So properly teased.

Expect the Unexpected, a phrase I just coined now.

That is a good phrase.

Right?

Because it sets you up to expect something.

Yeah, I was tinkering with like, don't expect the expected, and then I was like, that sounds like I'm leading some sort of like team of superheroes or something, and that's my charge line.

So I think expect the unexpected.

I think that's probably the more, the easier one to wrap your head around.

Sure, sure.

Yeah.

Oh, I had a quick point of order.

Oh, sure.

Here, do you want me to gavel it in?

Yeah, if you don't mind.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry, could you bang it again?

Sure.

Why?

Is there something weird?

Wait, something's funny.

Is this with my gavel?

No, it's just fun.

Oh, it is.

It is fun.

I want to.

Is it fun for the gavel?

I mean, I don't know.

Gavin, are you having fun?

Yeah.

Okay, never mind.

Oh, shit.

I forgot we named the gavel Gavin.

Yeah.

And Arnie, yeah.

If banging the gavel is not fun for the gavel, why are we doing it?

So it's good to hear that Gavin's having fun.

Yes, absolutely.

Just a very quick point of order.

And I should, Arnie, I should have done this on your birthday.

I just wanted to check in how everybody's doing with their bodies.

I know Usidor and I are, well, I used to be a little bit magical.

I do live in a magical realm.

Usor, of course, obviously very magical, very ancient.

Arnie, you're getting up there in age, right?

Yeah, I mean, I guess.

Oh, you sounded so feeble.

Yeah.

Well, sure.

My birthday is coming up in January, just a couple of months away, and I'm getting up there.

There's

still feeling okay.

And just so you know, Usor and I are planning something for your birthday, and let's just say,

expect the unexpected.

Indeed.

I believe you're turning 49, the sex number.

I'll owe you 20.

Well, well, well, I need to correct you, Usidor.

I'm turning 50, the no more sex number.

Oh?

Hey, listeners.

Does it make you excited to listen to a show hosted by such a young guy, a young 50-year-old, talking to a cartoon animal and an old, old man that waves hard pasta around and pretends it's a wand?

Well, you don't want to know what I was pretending it was.

Arnie, I just asked, it's because the other day you went to get out of bed and I heard you go, oh, and you sort of grabbed at your knee.

Just want to make sure you're okay.

That's the worst.

I don't.

Look, getting older, sometimes parts of your body just start to not work as well as they used to.

It's easier to hurt yourself.

But the worst part is I just don't want to hurt my knee because...

Yeah, you only have four of them.

Arnie, knee, camp.

I know, because there's too many opportunities for wordplay in that injury.

I just don't want to have to call you Arne knee brace.

Does that make sense?

That wouldn't be too bad.

It's no worse than Arnie Knee Camp.

Hmm Arnie Knee Brace.

I can go with that.

Jot that down.

It could be part of the 50th celebration that we're definitely planning.

Chundra, how is your body doing since you asked us?

Good.

I'm still in the learning phase.

So for instance, when I was chopping garlic,

I cut myself at the aforementioned cut and because I just wasn't paying attention.

And I was like, oh, let me just heal that with a little bit of shapeshifting.

Went to do it,

let out a little fart, realized I no longer can shapeshift.

So I just, I need to be more careful.

Do you always fart when you try to shapeshift now?

Well, shapeshifting is...

I don't know how to explain the sensation of shapeshifting.

It's sort of like a little squeeze, but that muscle, I guess, is gone now.

So when I did it, it seemed to produce a different magic, I guess.

I see.

Just like relaxing your sphincter, essentially.

If we must put so fine a point on it.

Hmm.

Chun, actually, that reminds me, I was going to save this for closer to the end.

I do have an email I was hoping to put into the record.

Hmm.

Is it all right if I blame the Gavin and read this email?

Yeah, of course.

Should we turn around while you bang the Gavin?

No,

I'm just going to hit it on the table.

Which also sounds...

There's no way of saying this that doesn't sound like a euphemism.

Anyway, here is the email and I would like to put into the record.

Hi everyone, I have a question regarding a potential concern for our dearest Chunt.

With Chunt giving up his shapeshifting abilities and being a magical creature, I am concerned for his life.

Hmm.

By Chunt giving up his magic as a shapeshifter and being stuck as a badger, does this mean he now has the lifespan of a badger, not a shapeshifter?

It has been theorized by Chunt in the past that he may take on the lifespan of whatever he turns into, which resets every time he shifts i am not sure about the lifespan of foonian badgers but the average lifespan of a european badger is only five to seven years in the wild up to 20 years in captivity with chunt already having lived a fair amount of time oh boy shots fired does this mean that without his abilities chunt only has a few years to live if so please consider reclaiming your magic and becoming a shapeshifting shapeshifter again.

Best wishes, and for goddess's sake, don't die.

Allie Robertson.

Allie, thank you so much.

Uh, Arnie, did you say seven years in the wild, 20 in captivity?

Yeah, you know, seven in the wild, 20 in captivity, that old expression.

Like, two in the well, we don't need to get into it, but yeah, yeah, Arnie.

I think I need to be taken captive.

Uh, you said, or quick,

captive, captive.

I'll captivate you happily.

Watch as I pull this rabbit out of my hat.

Oh, lucky rabbit, it's gonna live 20 years, probably now.

Oh, no, those rabbits only last a few minutes.

What else could captivate you?

Oh,

here,

if I pull up my robes, you can see my knees.

Oh,

I also have four knees.

Whoa, look.

He bends down like a lamb or something.

Yeah.

Pretty captivating, right?

Yeah, his feet kind of bend the way you wouldn't think.

You kind of look like those aliens in that Charlie Sheen movie, The Arrival.

Also, get in this cage.

Oh, yes!

Yes, yes, yes.

I just bought 10 years on your life.

I guess Sean to China is a caged animal from now on.

I am also, next order of business, I'm going to send us the break.

Going to send us to break.

While we do that, Ernie, would you like some more ravioli with us also?

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All right, next order order of business.

Guys, how do you think this meeting is going?

I think I've been pretty captivating.

Absolutely.

Oh, could I get a little, um, like a little metal cup so I can kind of like run it along the bars?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, of course.

Of course.

Oh, Chun, while he gets that, would you like, like, if I could get a water bottle and like hang it from the side of your cage and you can kind of like suckle on it for one drops of water?

That would be great.

There's literally a metal cup at the next table.

I don't know why he's doing all this.

I feel like I should interrupt Uzor to tell him I don't want the cup, I want the water bottle.

But now he's in the middle of a

fitness.

There you go.

Whoa, that's so good.

Do you mind actually transforming this into like a bottle of water that's on the side of this cage?

Oh, sure.

It's the same spell.

You You can tell.

Gotta be another cup, I can tell.

What if I got like a wheel in here, right?

Ooh.

Or like a plastic ball that you can run around the room inside?

Oh, that would be...

Oh, let me wait for him to finish.

Whoa, that one's

gonna cost him one of his fingers.

Here's our team.

Actually,

What's that?

Thank you.

I'll just you don't like that you don't like the bottle now?

No, it's it's you saw her it's perfect.

Thank you.

Okay,

absolutely.

I can just go run into town and get you one later.

Wait, wait, wait, what do you need?

Nothing.

Just tell me what you need.

Why would you put this off?

Why would you whisper around me and then make me feel like a fool?

No, I just didn't want to bug you.

Do you mind putting like a wheel in here so I can like run or like a ball and maybe like holes in the bottom of the cage so my feet can stick out and can like I can run around in the little cage yeah sure um

yeah no problem he does that same spell i'm gonna be so busy yeah it's cold

what is up with you

spells this spell is kind of like pasta in that all pasta is kind of there's different shapes but it's all kind of the same ingredients right i don't know if it comes across if it's just the sound like i don't know if it's too visual or if the sound reads this spell looks like he

has the poop and it hurts.

Oh, also, when he's done with that, Arnie, we should ask for him to do some pesto digitation.

Oh, yeah.

Just because the salsa does not go with the ravioli.

Yes.

Calnia!

How's that?

Oh, very good.

Well, I'll check it in a minute.

Do you mind doing some pesto digitation to make some sauce for the ravioli just so we have options?

Sure, of course.

If it's the same.

Pesto pesto, retro

oh now i wish it was the same spell as before

oh oh man anything else you know what this is what i live for i live for doing magic you know it's it's my entire purpose for being here is is is of course to defeat evil but sure the way i do that is by uh

improving the world in general ways through the great power of my magic so it is it is a it is a blessing to bless you with my blessings oh thank you thank you for the blessing uh usur that reminds me i guess our next order of business and i'll go get gathering ready here the next order of business is just a check-in on how we're progressing and defeating evil in general

we kind of go around the table i don't know if you uh want i'm gonna be honest and just gonna just gonna cut right to the chase here it's not looking great oh i thought that was a good boof no that wasn't when you put your hand in your head and stared at the floor and just sighed, that wasn't a good version of that.

Yeah, that wasn't one of the good

cradle yourself until you fall asleep, try not to think about the evil in the world moments.

Yeah, not great.

Not a lot going well.

You know, I have that blood rose.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Try to make the wizards fall in love, maybe.

See if that does anything.

Still don't really understand how that would even help necessarily.

Yeah, me neither.

Uh, but you know, well, fuck it, give it a shot.

Usura, I've noticed that you just have a tendency to just grasp at magic item after magic item.

It almost doesn't matter what it does.

You're just sort of like, I must find the bell of Timor, and that will solve everything.

Wait, do you know where the bell of tomorrow is?

I made that up.

Is there a bell of Timor?

I must have it.

Shit.

Oh, great.

Is there some prophecy if someone makes up the name the Belle of Timor, that means the Bell of Timor is near?

You've just prophesied that prophecy into being.

I just made that up.

I just made that up.

I think I've heard of the Bell of Timor, where it's a bell that rings when it's near the Bell of Timor.

Does that make sense?

So the bell rings when it's close to itself?

Well, no.

The Bell of Timor rings when it's close to the Bell of Timor.

Oh,

what a conundrum.

What a perfect conundrum for my wizard brain to unpack.

Oh, I have to do it.

I shall solve this mystery, and I shall find the Belle of Timor.

I'll even find the bell of Pumba and there'll be no worries for the rest of our days.

Not yet.

We must finish this meeting and then we can all go off on some adventures.

But I appreciate the gusto and the pesto.

Esta pesto el tabru clava.

Ooh, pesto Jinjo.

Well, it sounds like Yusidor, you have made no progress in defeating evil, figuring out how we can end this wizard war.

I would say no progress.

I have been randomly collecting magical items as they you know enter my field of vision how many magical items that have been named before can you remember that we have oh this will be fun oh uh well of course i or even now you as you look at me i i'm i'm bedecked in the uh the great ruby of galazil and the mystical armor of beck galig and jaheir two sure you said that and of course uh you know i have um i I have some rocks in this pocket here.

Three.

The Blood Rose.

You're already good.

The Blood Rose, that's number four.

You said that one.

And soon I'll have the Belle of Timor.

We almost got that death book, but I think that's still in Bitsy's Bangles and Butt stuff, whatever that place was called.

What?

That seemed like a pretty powerful magical.

You should get that fucking book, man.

Yeah, that's a pretty good book.

And also, we should get it just so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.

That's true.

Yeah.

Chuck, that's the smartest thing you've ever said.

And you've said a lot of smart things.

That's not an insult.

Phew.

Here's the perspective I think we should have.

Are we the best hands?

No, but there are worse hands than us.

So if we get something powerful, we're keeping it out of the wronger hands.

Whoa.

Exactly right.

We should name the three of us.

If the three of us are going to try and get this death book, and we want to sell people on the fact that there's worse hands out there, we should name our group, name our trio, and then we should have a slogan that's there's worse hands out there.

Sort of like my um expect the unexpected.

I will say when there's a plan about the death book and we're talking to people about the plan about the death book, I don't want to foreground our name, right?

When talking to people about a book where you put a name in, it kills that person.

Yeah.

Like if we even if it's collectively like we as a group have a name, we don't be we don't want to be like there's a death book

and we, the three bozos.

I don't like that name at all.

You don't like that name?

Three bozos.

Don't care for that.

Okay, I think I solved it.

What if we're the death dudes, but we tell people we're death dudes.

That way, if they ever get the book and they write death dudes should die, we don't die because we're the death dudes.

Oh.

Interesting.

I'm a little bummed nobody said that's the smartest thing you've ever said.

I think that's the second smartest thing you've ever said.

I thought that other thing was just

tops.

I'm going to be chasing that high.

I have to be honest.

If we get a hold of this deathbook, there's a very good chance I shall feel compelled to try to destroy it because I think it's too powerful to exist.

And that's a rare one for me.

I like getting some crazy shit that will fuck everything up and just hanging on to it as long as I can.

Oh, yeah.

That's your brand.

But I think this one, you know, even for me, this is a little, this is a little much.

I mean, I don't even know.

I don't even know who would have introduced something like this into the world of of food.

It seems like a fucking crazy thing to do.

Yeah.

Someone who only casually pays attention to what's going on in the story, I'll tell you that.

Oh, interesting.

I mean, it feels like it's kind of the smartest thing I've ever heard on the show.

I mean, we're talking about things we have.

I keep forgetting, but in my pocket, I have this laser gun.

Look, I'll just shoot it in the sky.

You shouldn't do that.

Oh, yeah, that was bad.

That's a powerful laser gun.

Also, those lasers have to come back down at some point right that's not i that's

that's not how lasers work oh yeah and the laser casings fell to the floor and they're pretty hot i don't know what that is that you should check how many lasers are still in the chamber i'm not gonna look don't trick me into looking down the barrel of this laser gun oh i forgot to is now a good time to tell you guys about two kicks man it's a perfect time now it is yeah

there's a rumor out of the south that there's a guy named two kicks man he can defeat anybody in two kicks oh huh so we need that death book probably to kill this guy.

Can I play with the laser gun?

No, you lost our last laser gun.

Remember when you lost that laser gun, I said, that's, you're not getting another one.

So I'm going to keep this laser gun.

Guys, should I start killing bad guys with this laser gun?

Yes.

Arnie, we've been saying, obviously, close your rings first or whatever that is.

Yeah, well, no.

I got to get my steps.

Steps, that's what it is.

Yes.

I'm walking to Mordor.

Why have I been calling you the Lord of Closing Your Rings?

Arnie, the second you hear Drip Fang like doing his own sound effects, banging through a door or whatever,

pull and fire.

You have an open standing order to kill on site.

There's all sorts of evil people you should take out.

Yeah.

I mean, usually when an evil person comes by, we invite them on the podcast.

We totally platform them and we sort of eventually become best friends with them.

But maybe next time there's an evil person on the show, I should just fucking shoot him in the face with this laser gun.

Please.

And to be fair, we don't become best friends.

We become best friends with them, and they still hate our guts.

Oh yes, that's even worse.

Unrequited friendship is the worst.

I should shoot them in the fucking face with this laser gun.

Right.

Right.

All right, guys.

I don't do this lightly, but this is my sacred promise.

Oh, boy.

A sacred promise that the next evil person we have on the show, I'm going to shoot him in the face with this laser gun.

Fuck yeah.

Oh, Arnie, it's not a huge difference, but do you mind putting your hand kind of slightly above the laser gun and kind of twitching your fingers?

I think that'd just be a little more dramatic and then pulling it and shooting.

Oh, so put it above, twitch my fingers like I'm trying to get it to come, or I don't understand.

I didn't say that, but I don't hate that.

Did I not twitch the fingers in the right way?

Oh, I've asked that question before.

I think what Chunt's trying to do here is create a bit of tension.

It's a storytelling technique that we have never employed on the show.

Whereby you create a moment where...

Oh, are they going to pull the gun out and fire it or not?

Will they do it in time?

Oh, I must.

I sit upon the very edge of mine seat, and I know not what shall happen next.

Yes, exactly.

I'm not against it.

I'm willing to try it, but let me ask, who is that for?

Like, if I'm going to shoot someone with a laser gun,

who is it for for me to like wiggle my fingers over it for tension?

Arnie, Arnie, Arnie, uh,

can you cast a spell to make sure that's really our friend?

Because the guy I know, the guy I met on day one, told me that everything is content.

Oh, shit.

So you're telling me you're going to kill someone and not release that on the main feed?

Wow.

You're right.

Also, if I've learned anything from 10 and a half years of doing this show, is you got to draw everything out.

You got to make it last just a little bit longer.

I put a mirror under his nose.

That's Arnie.

Yep, that's me.

Still breathing.

Still love mirrors.

I don't know if that confirms it's Arnie, but yeah.

Close enough.

Close enough.

Okay, sorry.

Arnie, any other points of order?

Well, I do have one more thing.

This is kind of...

Oh, I've been kind of working on a plan, and I don't know if this is a good plan.

Are you guys open to me running an idea by you?

Okay.

Are we to the new business yet?

Oh, oh, that's a good question.

Are we to new business?

Do we have any more old business?

Well, the only old business was to talk about our bodies.

Oh,

all mine are hidden, by the way.

All your old business?

You're talking about poops?

Nope.

Never mind.

Oh, yeah, he Arnie uses or buries his poops so that his enemies can't get it sent.

Oh, they'd love to get a hold of that defecate, and they would love to make some sort of potion or poultice out of it.

Something with my wizardly

offings that would then

transform them into some sort of magical beast.

Oh, they want it desperately, but what they don't know is it's when I defecate, it is the only parts of me that are not magical that escape.

I'm holding all that magic.

I am backed up with magic.

You said, are you saying that out there there's some super villain?

Some shit-eating nemesis that's coming for you and trying to eat all your poops?

Yeah, of course.

I gotta shoot that motherfucker in the face with this laser gun.

Right, yes.

If you see shit-eater, just shoot her in the face.

Shoot her in the face.

Okay, don't love that, but okay.

You'll be able to tell because she's got a big shitting grin.

Yeah, okay.

I'm gonna write down shit eater,

and then I'm gonna put under it casting question mark.

And just post that up to every

tree in the area, and we'll get some people who will come out, and then we can choose from them.

They're gonna be some weird email requests to send out, but okay.

Shit eater.

But also, Arnie, of course, you can, you know,

run something by us if that was the question.

Okay, well, how about this?

Why don't we take our second break?

That's the last of our old business.

And then I will share with you, no pressure.

I don't want to build it up too much, but an incredible plan that I think is going to solve all of our problems.

Incredible plan.

Okay.

Sounds good.

Yeah.

Sounds really good.

Okay.

We'll be right back.

Sorry about my rogues gallery.

Their names.

Not the most creative.

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Uncommon goods, we're all out of the ordinary.

Baby,

okay, guys.

Let me give my presentation here.

Let me set up my easel.

Let me put my things on it.

Although, I realize I have an easel and I have these poster boards, but I didn't write anything on them.

So, okay, never mind those.

What a terrible clatter.

Vin, you okay?

I forgot we named all the items.

Vin Easel, are you okay?

Yeah, he sounds fine.

He'll be fine.

I feel like that easel's best work is behind it.

Is that fair to say?

I mean,

I'd be happy to be wrong.

I'd be happy to be proved wrong.

Okay, anyway, anyway, enough about the easel.

You know how 10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical fantastical land of Foon.

Into Hog's Face.

No, this is a very good thing.

It's the first year.

Well, Chun, read back the notes.

Yes, I got a pesto on it.

Oh, pesto on top of the spaghetti.

You said all I have to do every meeting now is just dump pasta on it.

Yeah, that's the best thing to do.

Well, you know, for a long time I was trying to find the dimensional portal, and then I found it once or twice But it was too small to get through I've been looking all over town again Because I think we could use the dimensional portal to help us defeat the wizards.

Oh, I'm listening not you sidor though, right?

Not Usidor the other wizards stop the wizard war probably kill all the wizards except for you sidor Thank you.

And maybe I don't know we can figure out if there are a couple that that shouldn't die.

Oh, you know, I you know, I'd be willing to hear Jinlevia out.

I'd be willing to hear Jamilius out.

I like spin packs.

Fuck that guy.

I like him.

So I don't know.

So look, we've had a really tough time building a coalition to defeat the wizards.

Fair?

Fair.

Yeah, fair.

We've spent this whole season working really hard to try to get kings on our side, to try to get other magic users on our side.

Maybe once or twice we've had people being like, yeah, I'll help.

But for the most part,

people have been actively not helpful.

Sorry, Arnie, I thought you were going to pause and say fair.

I really liked when he stopped to ask us fair.

It feels like we're really engaged and part of the decision-making process.

Yes.

Really?

Should I be doing that more?

Yes.

Is it fair?

Fair.

Fair.

Okay, good.

I like that.

That gives it a little bit of energy.

So

we have not been able to get any allies.

Also, you know, Tom Blaine Belarov is actively trying to kill me.

Fair.

Fair.

Fair.

And

some would say that we've mostly just fucked around most most of this season and accomplished nothing.

Fair.

Fair.

I guess that's fair.

Yeah, no, that one doesn't feel as good.

It didn't even feel good saying it.

But I appreciate your supporting me.

To be fair, we were in prison for a while.

We were in prison for a while.

It's true.

Fair.

Fair.

I'm still in prison.

What?

I'm in a cage.

That's right.

That's true.

You're back in prison.

And I am emotionally.

True, true.

Fair.

Fair.

Fair.

So, we've had no luck getting allies in this world.

What if we tried to get allies from Earth?

Oh, like the Jonas Brothers or something?

I mean, I'm not saying not the Jonas Brothers.

Allies like Ali, the person who wrote the email that you read a little bit ago?

Exactly.

The person, the type of weirdos who write emails to the show, maybe they would want to help us defeat the Dark Lord.

And when I say them helping us, I'm not talking bullshit ways like joining the Patreon or writing reviews about the podcast on on whatever podcatcher they use or you know writing about us on Reddit or engaging with us on social media or telling their friends they should listen to the show or going to a live show or buying merch none of that stuff oh okay I although that stuff is great yeah do it that fair to be fair fair what I'm saying is we should take our fan base and honestly anyone else who wants to and move them to Hogsface.

Let's find the dimensional portal.

Let's crank it open somehow.

And there are a lot lot of ifs here, I acknowledge.

Let's figure out a fair way to let them in through the portal, decide who comes in, who doesn't.

They can move into Hogsface and the surrounding area.

We build a coalition that will help us fight the Dark Lord.

Does that sound fair?

Fucking fair.

Fair.

Yeah.

My first vote would be for Liz because I heard she got exiled from Guyville.

Fair?

I mean, Liz.

I have never been more excited.

Liz.

Liz.

Fair.

Absolutely.

And you know what?

She can do whatever she wants.

She can fuck.

She can run.

Whatever.

Oh, she's the blow-jug queen of the Midwest, my dear boy.

Fair.

I thought you guys were going to maybe not.

Sorry, I was a little nervous.

I didn't think you guys were going to like this idea.

Are you?

I don't like it.

I

love it.

My only qualm is.

Sean, I'm sorry, I'm going to stop you.

I feel really betrayed by how you did that because you really upset me.

And I'm glad where you landed, but for a minute, I felt really awful.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry, fair?

Fair.

Okay.

My only qualm is that I do feel like it should only be fans.

Because you said fans, well, you said fans and whoever else wants to go.

I feel like it should be just our fans.

Okay.

Because it would suck to go through all this, presumably going to be a pretty heavy lift.

Fair.

Fair.

Also, we're getting so many messages from people.

I don't know what's going on on Earth, but people want to get get away from there.

Oh, that's...

This is going to be popular is what I'm saying.

Yeah.

But yeah, to finish my thought, it would just suck to go through all of that rigmarole, that whole adventure and chaos and who knows what sort of injuries we suffer and then let those people in only to have someone turn around while I'm helping them and go, hi, sorry, I don't really listen.

Oh, shit.

And I go,

oh, okay.

And they go, that would suck.

I don't really...

My boyfriend listens, but I don't really listen.

Yeah.

And I go, okay, you didn't have to, I didn't ask you.

You don't

like, I feel like those people should just never be able to come here.

Yes.

What you're saying is, if you listen to the podcast, but your loved ones do not, you have to be separated

into different worlds.

It's tough.

I mean,

Arnie, you were separated, so I feel like

it's tough, but I feel like it's tough, but fair.

Fair?

Hold on a second.

A brigand tried to swing through the window and steal all our jewels.

I was so close to lasering that brigand in the face.

Well, I'm the man-at-arms, so that would be appropriate.

Ooh, thank you, Usador.

Chunt, I'm agreeing with everything you're saying.

Okay, perfect.

My only quibble would be...

I don't like how that landed.

A lot of qualms and quibbles between the two of you tonight.

A lot of qualms and quibbles.

That's a good question.

I'm not sure if this is a qualm or a quibble.

I'll share it and you tell me if it's a qualm or a quibble.

Okay.

I think

we should let everyone in eventually.

Like, we shouldn't say there are people that can't come in, but maybe we should have some kind of organizing system to prioritize who can come in and who can't come in, right?

Just so it's not full-on chaos.

Yeah,

I like that.

Like, maybe we say listeners first, or even among them, that might be too many.

I mean, our analytics could be better, but it's still a lot of people.

Yeah, maybe people with additional buttholes first.

Okay, we could have a butthole system.

Women in buttholes first.

Women in buttholes first.

Oh, my gosh.

Remember when we first met, you were wearing a t-shirt that said that?

I still have it.

And it's available in our merch store.

What I'm saying is, maybe listeners come in first, or maybe we prioritize people on the Patreon.

Is that ethical?

Is that ethical?

That's my question.

Yeah, I think we're getting into a sketchy territory here where we're deciding who deserves to come through and who does not deserve to come through based on some sort of

metrics that are sort of arbitrary and based just solely on our own

beliefs and preferences.

I believe that anyone who wants to seek asylum here should be allowed to do so.

And if they don't wish to seek asylum here,

then

so be it.

And if they come to get away, to just live their lives peacefully, so be it.

And then if they wish to join mine quest to defeat evil, then I shall gladly stand by their side.

As the forces of evil rain down upon us, swords in hand, as they

decimate our forces, we shall stand tall and proud.

We shall, every listener who wants to stand by my side and die for the cause of Foon, I shall allow them to die.

Yeah, what you're saying is maybe we prioritize people who are willing to join your quest, and that's kind of like a fast pass.

It's not like we're saying they get in better, but like their process is sped up if they're willing to die with you.

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, not with me.

I won't die.

Oh, no, I will.

You will die.

Damn it.

Wait a minute.

And chunt, too, because he'll probably have to leave this cage at some point.

Oh, yeah.

We gotta figure this thing out.

Ernie, wait a minute.

Something you said, this fast pass,

what if we kind of gunked up the gears of everything around here, except for the avenues where the fast pass helps people sort of cut the line?

Chunt.

Then we could charge whatever we want for this fast pass, and people would be fools not to buy it.

Chunt, you had me at gunk.

A shirt available in our merch store.

That's the Usador shirt.

And that's the thing.

Look, it's going to take us a while to figure out even how to do this.

I still have to find the dimensional portal, although it's somewhere around here.

And

we're going to need resources to start building homes that people on Earth would like here in Hogsface.

Arnie resources.

I know of a resorcerer.

A resorcerer?

Yeah.

Isn't he the one that reuses sorcerers?

Yeah, to make resources.

Huh.

So, sorry, continue.

I was just trying to help solve problems where I could.

No, I should

have that resorcerer on the podcast.

It's a good idea.

Can't believe no one's pitched that.

Okay, so we have a couple shirts in the merch store, and they are selling two or three apiece.

Each idea, we sell a couple.

Nice.

But how about this?

As a way,

this doesn't mean you'll get into Foon any faster, but as a way of supporting our effort to get more people coming from Earth into Hogsface, we're going to sell shirts that read, I'm moving to Foon.

Racing towards double digits.

And so if you want to move to Foon, if you just want to get away from where you are, or you just want a shirt that will confuse the people you know, you can get a shirt that reads, I'm moving to Foon.

Any that last caveat that it confuses people, they could pick any shirt in our store if that is their goal.

This is maybe the least confusing shirt in our store.

What about the one we just added that's Arnie and it says Arnie says relax?

Fuck it, I guess we're adding that one too.

But don't let any of those great shirts that someone should buy, someone should, distract you from the I'm Moving to Foon shirt that is going to support our effort to move a bunch of people from Earth into Foon.

They're going to fight with you, Sidor.

Many of you may die, but we're going to fix Foon's problems together.

Fair, Arnie.

More than fair.

Fair.

I would say.

Yeah.

Fair.

So if you have the I'm Moving to Foon shirt, immediately you're in.

Yes.

We'll say everybody else as we get more people trickling in.

Maybe there's some sort of like, they have to make us laugh or...

Oh, do we want a bunch of people trickling in trying to make us laugh?

Do we want that?

Oh, I guess that's hell.

I guess that is hell.

I mean, I hate that I'm saying this.

Do we maybe want to deprioritize people who listen to the podcast?

Like, is there a podcast out there where the people are probably more effective and helpful that we could come into this world?

Okay.

Like, people who listen to science podcasts, people who can do things and make things.

Oh, yeah.

Or like, I I mean Arnie I

Never mind.

No, what is it John?

What is it?

We're friends.

There's nothing you can say that's gonna change that we're friends now.

It might alienate some of our listeners, but yeah.

Um

it's just I feel like the pot pyres fan base is pretty massive and feels like they're all pretty flipping cool.

Should we buy an ad on pod fires?

Arnie, I'm so sorry.

I know that's the one thing you said we'd never do.

I mean

fine, I'll use...

I'll use some of the coins I have, and I'll buy us

add placement on an upcoming episode of Ponpyres.

But they have to promise to make it available on our Patreon.

Okay, that's fair.

That's fair, Arnie.

That's fair.

Fair.

Okay.

Arnie, I really like this idea.

Me too.

I'm in concurrence, for I believe a fresh intake of raw,

stalwart, friendly, and brave souls shall be just a thing that reinvigorates our fight against evil.

Look, we've been trying to solve fantasy problems with fantasy solutions and none of it's done anything.

I think it's time for parasocial progress.

Arnie, I don't say this lightly.

I feel like I want to make you like mayor or something.

Right?

I just feel like the ideas you're bringing in are so cool and fresh and exciting.

I want to make you like mayor or

something.

I like the attention.

I like the validation that I'm getting from you.

My question is like, would that be hard?

Would that be a lot of work?

I guess you would have to like hand out a lot of keys and stuff.

Is there like an idea guy job that I could have where I'm just sort of like coming up with brilliant ideas and everyone knows they're my ideas and love me for my ideas, but I don't have to actually like do them or make them work.

Okay, look, I just googled it on your phone, Arnie, and it says podcast host.

Perfect.

That's the job I want.

Guys, we're doing it.

This meeting has been very successful.

I declare it.

I forgot that's a thing.

Yes.

You declare it.

Right.

All right.

This has been fair.

Fair.

The only thing that's slightly taking away from my super sense of optimism is that Chun is in a cage right now.

And that feels a little odd.

Oh, yeah.

I can.

Well, here's a good thing.

I have good news.

I thought about this a little bit more.

And, you know, I know that Chunt shapeshifted just prior to losing his powers.

So So that puts him kind of at square one, you know, like

you're like in year one.

So you've got a good five to seven years naturally.

Oh, perfect.

20 years, you know, sleep in the cage of nights.

Maybe it just adds three years.

If we get you up to 13 or something, hopefully in the interim, we figure out a way to all become immortal celestial beings who shall blaze through the heavens like the great heroes and masters of the universe that we are.

Woo!

Look, I know this episode's going a little long.

We probably should have wrapped it up about 45 minutes ago, but two thoughts.

One, on the Patreon, we've got to do a series called Shunt Year One, right?

Right?

Yeah, or young Usidor.

Well, the Usidor one would be blazing through the heavens, and it would be more glorb-themed.

Okay, fair.

And what was two, Arnie?

Oh, that was two.

Oh.

I'm not good at math.

I thought I brought up the second one.

Did we start with two and then work back to one?

Was that a countdown?

I forgot that I shapeshifted it right before I lost my power, so I have all fresh organs.

Uh, Usidor, hey, Usidor,

have you been working on trying to track down that secret earth ingredient that we heard about?

Retinol?

Yes, I've finally completed it in my secret studies away at night in my secret laboratory.

Retinol with the spiff 50.

Here you go, just for you, John.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

You alright?

Yeah, it gets good, Delicious.

Well, it looks like our points of order are down to zero.

So that means, Yusador, we're ready for our dessert.

Ah, excellent.

It's Tiramisu.

Tiramisu, Tirmosu, Tiramosu, Tiramosa, Tirmisi.

I thought the thing you were serving was called Tiramisu, but that's the beginning of the spell.

And of course, my Tiramisu comes with real ladyfingers.

Baked myself?

Were these soaked in in alcohol?

Yeah, baked myself.

I baked them myself.

They're real ladyfingers, the cookie.

Oh.

Why did you say it like that then?

Because they're real ladyfingers.

I'm not eating these.

No, no matter what.

Cookies with bones.

I hope you don't bother.

Cookies with cookies with bones.

Cookies with bones.

I don't know how you did that.

You know, sometimes you gotta wonder if you're being trolled.

On the one hand, it is my job to stop folks from doing things like transporting people from one dimension to another.

It's kind of my whole brand.

On the other Pincer, they have so little chance of pulling this off.

Not to mention the enormous entertainment value of watching them try, that I'm going to say good luck with that.

And if you, listener, want an I'm moving Tafoon shirt, I'm pretty sure they're now available in the Dashery store.

Link in the show notes.

Use It All the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Junk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffai.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip of the most recent bonus episode, a new Halloween-themed installment of Podpyres with Steve Walteen and Alex Eilhauer.

I'm so sorry, Chad.

I'm so sorry, Vlad.

He's saying crazy stuff.

Well, I wouldn't exist either if I couldn't participate in something like this.

I wouldn't.

Or I have to dress as a child because there's a disadvantage there because you can't dress.

It's hard to dress as something smaller.

The primary identifying feature of a child is his size.

And so it's, you know, how are you going to get yourself smaller?

Well, hey, and then I just thought about how I become a bat.

Isn't that funny how

you take things for granted?

Like I become a bat and then I'm smaller.

Where does the rest of me go?

Now that you ask, where do I go?

Where does the rest of me go?

I've wondered that too, you know?

Yes.

And if I get a little cut when I'm a bat, then it's a bigger cut.

Oh.

Like if one of my wings comes off, this has never happened to me, but then it's like a whole arm.

Oh, yes.

What happens to your clothes when you turn into a bat?

Oh, come on, man.

Don't ask stupid questions.

Come on.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit

slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Nee Brace, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Red Keener.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.