Season 5, Ep 76 - Night Ticklers (w/ Ross Bryant and Joey Bland)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

If you'll excuse me, I'm just finishing today's session of writing in my gratitude journal.

Let's see, where was I?

Oh, Oh, yes.

Why do I have this?

What am I supposed to do with it?

Whoever gave this to me, I don't appreciate them for anything.

Love framing device.

All that's left is to drizzle it with honey and leave it for the bears.

As for you, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Ruffled Feather in McShingle's Shane Forest on the outskirts of Hogsface in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my buddy, Chuck the Talking Badger.

A little bit of this, some pepper, a little bit of salt.

What are you working on over here, bud?

And I think I got it.

Arnie, give a sip.

Take a big swig of this.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, that's a lot of pepper.

Okay.

That's a lot of pepper.

Arnie, I've been trying.

You know how we're trying to bring Earth people to Foon?

Yes.

I want them to feel comfortable, at home, etc.

So I'm trying to sort of recreate a lot of Earth things here in Foon.

Now, of course, here in Foon, we do not have...

I want to say boot rear.

Boot rear?

A root beer.

Root beer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A root beer.

Root, root beer.

Root beer.

That's...

I'm sure I have that here.

So I'm trying to, I remember I tried it in the 80s when I was on Earth with you.

Crazy to say that.

It feels so long ago.

But I'm trying to sort of

recreate that taste.

It's very natural.

It's very much an Earth thing.

At some point in your life, you're going to be in your home and you're going to think, I bet I could make root beer out of the things in this kitchen.

And you just got to try.

You got to try.

The other thing I'm working on is Kirp Cameron.

Kirp Cameron?

Yeah, that guy.

You had a poster of him on your wall, Kirp Cameron.

Yeah, used to be more into Kirp Cameron, but now

when I was very young, but not so much anymore.

I think you don't want to make another Kirk Cameron or Kirp Cameron.

Okay.

Well, why don't you tell me what are like the top three things that Earth People are going to be craving once they hit food?

Well, as soon as they get here, the first thing they're going to ask is, is there Wi-Fi?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You Sidor?

Yeah.

Did you have your hand raised?

raised yes well i was just thinking if if chunt has already made a peppery drink instead of making root beer why not change streams and make dr pepper i've been working all week on making squirt

uh okay

okay guys look

As of last week, our new plan is to try to find the dimensional portal so that we can slowly move some Earth people into Foon so we have a larger coalition to fight the wizards.

And I guess my part of that plan is to find the dimensional portal, figure out how to open it, to figure out how to get people in.

And I guess you guys are in charge of refreshments when they get here.

Ooh, okay, okay.

Okay.

Sounds like a lot of work for you, but it does seem like a well.

Here's my update.

I've been walking around Hogsface, getting in my steps for my walk to Mordor that I use my phone to track, and still over a year away from getting there.

But

I think I have found the portal.

It's very small and tiny.

Weren't you a year away a year ago?

Oh, from Mordor?

Yes.

Yeah, well, it hasn't been a year.

I mean, look, I'm always just kind of hovering at about a little more than a year away from getting there.

Okay.

I see.

But much more importantly, I thought you gasped at the news that I found the portal because maybe the most important thing that's ever happened on the show in its seven and a half years, I found the portal.

How do you, a human, know it's the right portal?

That's a good question.

I mean, it's small, and I can, I can't really see through it, and I can't get anything through it, but when I sniff it, it's hard to say, like, it smells like Chicago.

Does that make sense?

Okay.

Uh, where is it?

It's this Arnie.

This isn't one of those things where you're like, it was in my heart the whole time, or something like that.

It's an actual portal, right?

We cannot end this show like that.

If we end this show on some bullshit, like it was in you all along, I'll be so angry.

I mean, first of all, if I had a portal in my heart, that would kill me, right?

Especially if it was to another dimension.

Like, just people ripping through my chest to come into this world.

If you shot a portal right above your heart and one right below your heart, it would just keep falling through and then reappearing at the top, just enough time to squeeze through.

Have you never listened to the foonish song by Jam Patterson, Portal in My Heart?

No.

Do you want to sing any of it?

Well, you sort of just gave a lot of the lyrics just now.

Oh, I see.

Right.

Wait, a lot of the lyrics are just explaining a portal in a heartbeat.

None of them rhyme.

Yeah.

What do you think songs are?

Oh, I don't know.

It's weird for me to be here 10 and a half years and not know what songs are in Foon.

Arnie,

where was the portal?

So it was over,

you know, the old Vermilion Minotaur, the tavern we originally were in, isn't there anymore.

But if you go right behind where the tavern was, the portal's really there.

Frankly, it was kind of easy to find, and in retrospect, I probably should have looked for it more back then.

Wow.

Like, I cannot emphasize enough how easy it was to find.

But you can't get through it.

But I can't get through it.

Would have done nothing.

I want to emphasize what an accomplishment it was that I found it, but also, I don't know what to do with that.

I don't know how to open it.

I don't know how to get anything through it.

Whoa,

whoa, Yusidor.

Oh, our buddy did so good.

Whoa, he found the portal.

Oh, I see.

Yes, yes.

Wow.

Wow.

what a big bowl.

Salutations and

congratulations, what an excellent feat this is.

Thanks, guys.

Confetti, confetti.

Just throwing it in my face.

Some root beers?

Well, well, well.

It appears as though a celebration is in progress.

These look like some characters who enjoy live entertainments.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Greetings, friends.

Do you care for some comedy, some drama, some suspense, or some cream?

I want all of those things.

Oh, good.

We've got it all.

We've got it all, friends.

Comedy, suspense, action, tragedy, history, and cream.

Cream?

Ooh.

This day turned around.

And we have squirt if you need it.

Rupert and Squirt.

Squirt.

Now, what's in Squirt?

Your opinions differ on what Squirt actually is.

Squirt?

As I understand it, it's a delicious grapefruit-flavored carbonated beverage.

Wait, I recognize that face.

Not that guy in blue.

Get out of the way.

I recognize that other face.

Ah, me?

Yes.

Well, bless my soul.

If it isn't Arnie and I camp.

Arnie.

Oh, my goodness.

It's two of the most famous actors in all of Foon, Michael Gunch and Winky Silks of the Cock Tickler.

We act your service.

No longer tickling as many cocks.

She pushed me in, right?

They pushed me directly into a bag.

Quiet, you.

Quiet, bagman.

Gunch in silks.

This is gunch.

I didn't even recognize you with those little mustaches.

Oh, yes.

Yes,

these are branded mustaches for

Mustachio's famous creams.

Yes.

Mustachio's famous creams, the makers of the world's only delicious energy cream.

The only cream that gives a wonderful jolt of vivifying energy.

Ooh.

You can top any beverage with raspberry cream or dungberry dungberry cream.

Oh, I they can you mix the two together?

What?

What the hell are you talking about?

Good bag in the bag.

So it's been a few years, I think, since we've last seen you, and last time we saw you, you were actors, so

am I.

Are you salesmen now?

Is that what's going on?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We still tread the boards from time to time.

The boards we tread are rarely elevated, as you'd say.

The world is our stage now.

We perform

where we can.

Since the events of late, the wizard quorum that makes up the power here in Foon these days

have have sort of

changed the dynamics of entertainment in Foon.

Oh, of course.

They mix up the wizards got into power and they're waging war on entertainment?

Yes.

They're in their wizardly citadel.

They mix up a special brew of that which they call AI slop.

Yes, there was a time when Winky Silks alone, where I myself, could populate a stage with

distinguished characters,

of varied status

and voice.

And now, with these wizards, they can put 10,000 Winky Silks upon the stage, each one that could slowly change, dislocate their jaw, morph into an alien, a wolf,

turn into a banana.

They could do anything.

they they look just like winky just don't look at the hands a few too many fingers yes oh terrible

it's it's hard to work on the stage when when there are so many urs hats actors taking our jobs but but each each setback is an opportunity and so we're striking out and still tread the boards from time to time though there are fewer cocks to tickle.

We do, of course, now, as you can tell with our promotion of cream, we are into what we refer to as spawn con.

All of the con that we do is currently spawned.

Oh,

I see.

So the cream is spawned from, I don't know, a chicken or something?

How do you spawn it?

Well, obviously, the cream is spawned from a chicken.

Yes, Mustachio's Energy Cream is the only mammalian chicken cream on the market.

Most chickens get lay eggs, but special mustachio chickens give give live birth.

They have little teeth, teeth, which are

live birth to placental cream.

Now I'm hungry.

The cream is gathered, delicious flavors are added in up to six rocking flavors and infused with wonderful energy supplements.

So it's not just dungberry and raspberry.

Oh, dungberry, raspberry, chocolate ice,

glacier mist.

Riptide blue.

Riptide blue.

And

bubbly.

These sound like the most amazing flavors I've ever heard of because they don't sound like flavors at all.

Yes.

Well, you'd better believe that we still...

still take the stage, tread the boards, do our flights of fancy,

elicit our peals of laughter, make our tragic sojourns upon the stage, but always, of course, making sure to work in how delicious, nutritious, and vivifying Mustachio's flavored energy cream is.

I'm really just having a hard time picturing it.

Would you mind giving us a demonstration of how you would subtly work this into a play?

Well, certainly.

Which play from our repertoire would you like to see a little snatch from?

Ooh, um, I think maybe the prince and the fox.

Arnie, what do you think?

Here's a little...

It seems like a little...

We know all the Foonian classics.

I was going to say Lil' Snatch, but

we gotta see Little Snatch, then.

No, no, no.

Let's see The Prince and the Fox.

Oh, selective audience, no doubt.

The prince and the fox, it is.

The prince and the fox, it is.

Excellent.

Everyone, shut up and be quiet and sit down.

It's starting, Ernie.

It's starting.

Oh, yeah.

I'm just going to open it.

I'll try to do it as quietly as to a forest.

An overcast day.

I come.

A solitary cloud here to put shade upon the glen and show you beneath a young boy.

Not a prince, not a status, individual, no, just a regular boy.

Arnie, that's Winky Selks.

Oh,

another day where I must beweep my lowly station in this life.

A forest-dwelling boy, a foundling to a woodland woodcutter, never knowing my true parentage.

Oh, if only I could grow to my majority and take hold of the destiny that I feel is mine.

But alas,

it is my plight to remain lowly.

I wonder what this birthmark means that looks like a crown.

I guess I'll never know.

Core,

blindy, you have trod upon me's hail.

Ah, does no man ever look down where he treads?

There are beasts below your feet, fool.

Oh, alas, my apologies, humble fox, for treading on your bushy, crimson tail.

I was too wrapped up in my own cloak of sorrows to see you on the forest floor.

Hello, yes.

I wish that those men who were so sad would, with their downcast eyes, look upon the forest floor and not tread on us, on we who are so small and vulnerable.

I am downtrodden myself.

You, literally downtrodden a moment ago, by me.

I was trodden down.

If only there was a way I could improve my station, to lift my spirits, to raise myself into a higher echelon of society.

Oh,

To climb the social ladder, no doubt takes some time.

But if it's spirits you wish to lift, can I interest you in a glacier cream?

A glacier cream.

That's one of several flavors available in the forest.

Oh, this one's made from real dungberries.

Whoa, delicious and toothsome, surely.

But

they're radical, radical.

They're incredible, credible.

They're living the forest.

Join Joining the chorus.

Radical, radical creams.

Surfing the riptides of delicious dung berries, jumping over half pipes, too.

Grab the riptide cream and take it to the dome.

You know what to do.

You thought you were strong, you thought you were smart.

You gotta take a riptide blast through the heart.

You know, the heart just has a portal on top and a portal on the bottom.

And if something fell through it, keep going up and down for all eternity.

Up and down in the portal of a heart.

The heart is a climb bottle of portals that just goes round and round and round.

But you can have the energy to live your dream with mustachio energy cream.

Chunk, why is he holding a sign that says lyric five of ten?

You don't see a lot of flying V loots these days.

That was that was awesome.

Wow.

I must stop my song immediately here.

What is that upon your arm?

Some mark.

You're no ordinary woodcutter, boy.

Well, no, no, Tender Fox.

The lifted spirit, provided by your toothsome cream, has given me the energy to tell my story.

Yes, I a foundling was, with this birthmark, the only sign of my paternity.

Come, other forest creatures, our king has arrived.

What is thy name?

Am I supposed to go out?

No, no.

Dave.

All hail, King Dave.

He's radical.

And seen.

Now you can see exactly the nature of the type of performance that we did up to these.

Did you notice?

Did you notice the placement of the pro- the product?

It was pretty elegant.

You may have missed it.

If you parse the text very closely, you may see where we elegantly nested the spawned con.

Only because I'm so familiar with the source material did I notice.

it's fit in quite smoothly.

I think taking out the part where the young boy learns a lesson about treating others better and raising up those who are downtrodden and replacing that with vivifying yourself with cream was an excellent choice.

Good point, Bagman.

Oh, more bags on me.

Yes, even sack men get one thing right a day.

I like the part where broken clock and all that.

I really like the part where Michael Gunch rolls out the ice chest and kind of holds up other sort of beverages or liquids and kind of tosses them aside until he got to the one he wanted, which was the cream.

Arnie, what'd you like?

I liked how they both popped their collars and then they had another pop collar inside that pop collar.

Yeah, I think that was my favorite part.

Chunt, you make a good point.

They did pass up some other interesting-looking things, though.

I thought maybe that purple stuff might be pretty good.

Yeah, the orange drink looked pretty good, too.

Gentlemen.

Madness.

Madness.

If you could, please take these cream ponds.

These are coupons for creams.

Oh, thanks.

Cream ponds.

Take these cream pawns.

Cream podices.

That's a play on coupons.

Yes.

If you could take these cream pods, please.

As long as when these make it back to the Mustachio company, then they'll know that we're doing the good work.

That's right.

Use our discount code on these cream ponds, and they'll know who told you about Mustachio Energy Cream.

Shunt, here's one for extra flow.

Hell, Arnie.

So, your special code has to be a shortening of the product name and you, so they know it's you.

So, this just says Creamcock?

That's right.

Yes, this is how we get paid, guys.

The more cream cocks that make it back to mustachios,

the more gold we'll be given.

Arnie, that reminds me we have to take a break right now.

Creamcock reminds you of that?

Let's see if listeners notice.

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Baby.

Radical, radical.

Now I've got that song stuck in my head.

Radical, radical.

How did the rest of it go?

Incredible, incredible.

There's a lot of stuff about the hearts.

Yeah.

It is a real earworm, Arnie.

But do you see how songs kind of pass along information, right?

Yeah.

Well, here's the weird thing.

Like, the song didn't work.

It was a tone poem.

It was a tone poem because there were a couple moments where it did rhyme, which takes it out of the category of song.

Yes.

There's actually an old folk song spliced into it.

It's samples.

I don't know if you knew that.

Ooh.

Yes.

An interpolation.

Wait, part of that song was an old folk song?

It's a Jam Patterson song, I believe.

Yes.

Arnie, that's what I was talking about, James Patterson.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, that's right, because there's the part about the heart going through portals.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, Kinky.

Is everything all right?

Are you alright?

No.

Friends, I must confess, it's not my favorite thing in the world to sing songs for Mustachios' creams.

No.

Sometimes I feel dirty afterwards, just filthy.

Would it make you feel better or worse if I said the song was my favorite part?

Well, the song's my favorite part to perform, but but still, it doesn't feel like we're we're not doing real theater, are we, Michael?

Yes, it hardly feels that way.

Seems as though we're just marionettes for the forces of commerce.

Does that count as art?

I know what will perk you up.

Here, try some of these mustachios' famous creams.

They're vivifying.

Well, we're we've done too well, Michael.

We've done too well.

Oh my god.

I'm living on those creams.

Winky, I don't know if this necessarily assuages your fears, but I will say the whole time I was kind of expecting one of you to turn into a wolf or an alien or a banana, but

that never happened.

So it is a matter of time.

Or dislocate your job.

Yes, but no,

I can only paint that picture in your mind and not perform it upon the stage as the wizards, theater folk can.

No, instead, I must only be myself and delineate my characters with the subtleties of voice and action.

Then you are in joint spirit with us and must take up arms against the forces of evil, against those very wizards, strike them down,

rid us, rid the world of their AI slop, and return to being kings of the stage.

Will you join mine quest to defeat the evil wizards who are e'en now preparing to rain down war upon Olafoon?

If I strip your words of the uninspiring tone and unimpressive delivery, Thank you.

The words themselves have truth to them.

Yes, if I read them flat on the page, divorced from just all the intonation and mustard that this blue man was putting on them.

Mustard?

It does prickle a little bit of inspiration that by taking up arms against these forces that seek to oppress us, we could take back our rightful place upon the boards once more and no longer have to be shills for flavorful creams.

Look, people are upset about the wizards right now, and they're worried about the future.

Maybe you could use your art.

Look, we know art isn't going to really change anything, but maybe you could appeal to an audience that wants to think it could change something.

Hmm, that's true.

If we constantly revealed the hypocrisy of the wizards, people would laugh.

It wouldn't change anything, but we could make tons of jokes showing how people are hypocrites.

We could do this for years

that people are unreliable over and over again.

We could show, show in great detail again and again the folly of their ways, their blatant hypocrisies, and the people would laugh and laugh, feel seen, and everything would persistently continue not to change.

Our jokes could prove that the arc of the universe doesn't arc.

It's just a line.

It's a straight line.

Yes, it is.

It arcs.

It arcs, but it bends all the way back around to where it started.

This would give me...

To be honest, Michael, though we would be much less remunerated, it would feel more like we were practicing and plying our vocation.

I suppose so.

Although it would...

it would be rather threadbare not to have our pockets full of cream any longer.

We have done well.

Perhaps there is a way to keep your job, plying these creams and shilling them out to

people around Foon, and then by night, in subterfuge, you put on plays, disguised, for you are masters of disguise, and you would then speak truth unto these people while you still steal away their gold.

Oh my god, you could do vigilante plays at night.

You know, work for commerce during the day and vigilante plays at night.

On Earth, we call that one for me, one for them.

Hmm, one for me, one for them.

A brave arithmetic, Earthling.

Yes.

Thank you for interpreting the utter nonsense.

I thought he was going on forever.

Yak, yak.

Wrap it up.

Thank you, Arnie.

Thank you, Arnie, for proving that you have a brainstem.

Yes, perhaps this is the way.

We can still shill the creams by the light of the sun.

But by night, we shall be clandestine cockticklers.

Tickling cocks secretly in the shadows.

The night cocks.

Sort of under the table.

Yes, yes.

Under the table.

Ah, yes.

The cocks.

The cocks come out at night.

Yes, just when you think that the cockticklers have gone to bed, that's precisely when they reach around.

Just see justice.

Yes, yes.

Ah, the sleeping cocks a night.

You wonder, aye.

Can they change our minds?

And in the mornings they will.

In the mornings they would.

Mornings would.

Well, I'm so glad to hear that you're on board.

To get you started, I've gone ahead and written a short play called Usidor the Great, and I think it would be an excellent way to start your

foray into vigilante theater.

Wait, what?

Yes, irony,

one of the best ways of undermining authority and power.

Well, Usidor the quote great.

Hang on.

No, no, no.

It's great to talk about this play and, you know, you guys debuting it, but like Arnie said earlier, it's probably better to show it, right?

Could we see maybe Usidor you hop in there and we see some of this play?

Oh, surely Usidor doesn't have to come on stage.

Surely we can find another someone else to play his part.

Like, oh, I don't know, that rotten stump over there.

Yes.

Oh, good, good, good, yes.

Oh, yeah.

It does look like Usidor a little bit.

Yes, that soft stump covered in mushrooms.

Oh.

Well, I suppose

you're the

professionals.

I trust your judgment.

Oh, it does look like Usidor.

I was squinting, but when I stopped squinting, it looked just like him.

Usidor, will you read the stage directions?

Gladly.

Without energy, please.

Is there anything?

Energy.

Now, I have a laser gun.

Is there any use for laser sound effects in this play?

Oh, you have a laser gun?

Where were you during our tone poem?

Could have used some laser blasts when I was kicking it nasty style over that half-pipe.

Usidor the Blue, Act One,

lights up on a clearing in a field.

Two young men approach one another from opposite sides of the clearing.

In the distance, they see a figure, a figure clad in blue, who they are nervous to approach.

Youth, tender youth of Foon, do you see what I see?

Yonder coming over that hillock?

Oh, he looks so awesome.

Core, blimey fellow, adolescent.

What the hell is that guy trying to prove?

Let's talk to him for a while.

See what he's really, what's going on.

No doubt we can undermine him.

No doubt he's full of wisdom and amazing powers.

The adolescents raise their sticks and approach the blue figure whose back is to them.

Ah, greetings.

Turn round and face us.

Ooh, so we can be awed by your presence.

So great wizard Yusodor turns around.

Arnie, spin the stump around.

Oh, how am I supposed to?

Spin the stump around.

Spin a stump around.

Spin the stump around.

Spin the stumper.

Never mind.

Ooh, by your silence, you prove what deep thoughts must redound inside your massive mind.

Still waters run deep, or so the proverb says.

Although maybe this is more of a placid little puddle.

Seemingly out of nowhere, the two youths managed to set their sticks aflame, creating torches, thereby burning the wizard

to the ground.

Ah,

finally, we've found a good use for wizards.

Yes, to keep a man warm a night and seen.

How did you.

How did you change the play I wrote so you burned me up at the end?

Ah, you passed it off once we made a few line edits.

Oh.

Well,

I still think it was an excellent play, and uh, if it leads to more people attacking wizards, uh, well, all the best for it.

Yes, to strike a blow at the powers that be.

This is what we shall do when we cocktickle by night.

My god, it's radical.

Radical.

It's awesome.

It's tubular.

God, it's the most bodacious plan we've ever had.

The only thing gnarlier than this plan is the delicious and vivifying flavor of Mustachio's famous energy cream.

Please spread these cream ponds everywhere.

Give them to your friends.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, we will.

I don't know how the post-mortem of my play turned into an ad, but it seems that it did.

I have dozens of them.

I'll just pull them right here off my cream pads.

Oh, we're virtually made of cream ponds.

I feel like most of these sponsorship deals require that they do at least two cream breaks, right?

Oh, yes, minimum.

And but and it's good to put it into your own voice as well.

You know, uh, Winky, I often get tired.

Um, around two o'clock after my uh luncheon and my second breakfast.

People are busy these days, Michael.

It makes sense just after luncheon to start to drag a bit.

That's why it's so great that our friends and and Mustachio's famous energy creams have given us and our listeners a special deal for one cream pond for wonderful flavored creams.

They light a fire in the belly and open up a two-apertured portal in the heart.

Yes, that's the spirit.

Mustachio's energy creams cannot actually make the claim that their creams will prevent death.

In fact, consumption of too much energy cream creating an aklein bottle effect in the heart will lead to premature death.

No doubt.

Do not exceed more than three creams per day.

Does anyone else notice that Michael Gunch's eyes just roll into the back of his head when he starts talking like that at the end?

He's talking so quickly.

Yes, the uh the Mustachio Energy Cream marketing team put a uh side effect curse on me.

Oh, no.

Once a day, I have to speedily go through a side effect litany.

Arnie, only three creams a day.

Arnie, do you think you could switch from red potion to cream?

I don't know.

I'm not a cream guy, really.

Guess I'm willing to try it, but only if they sponsor us.

You know, I'll sample it just so I can feel like I can talk about it in our own sponsorship.

Yeah, that's fair.

Would you guys be willing to

give us some product in exchange for us also sponsoring mustachioed cream?

I don't know if this violates any terms of our agreement with mustachios, Michael.

But you know what?

Who cares about mustachios?

We're rebels now.

We're taking on the wizards.

We may as well take on Big Cream.

Yes.

Down.

Down with the Wizards.

And down with Cream.

Take all the samples you wish.

Shunt?

You?

So if you two start performing like vigilante plays at night, will you have to do them under like pseudonyms, like a different fake name than the fake names you currently use?

Yes, it's true.

Michael Gunch is my stage name, because of course I was born with the unfortunate birth name of Steel Hardstone.

A laugh- a laughable name for the stage.

Oh, what an albatross around my neck that's been.

Ridiculous.

But yes, yes, of course, the clandestine ticklers must have their own pseudonyms.

Yes.

Uh something something fitting to the to the nighttime environs, to the post-dusk hours.

What could it be?

Uh

a name fitting of the night.

And still give some some wink, as it were, to our former fame.

Oh,

it's like Nighty Gunch?

No, I know it's not gunch.

Yes, I will be Mooncock.

Okay.

Oh,

okay.

All right.

Just do your idea.

Yes, first idea, best idea.

Yes,

you gotta get one out quick.

I'm just, you know, brainstorming here.

How about

Geico Munch?

Geicol Munch?

Oh, Geiko Munch.

I don't hate it.

Truly baffling.

Geico?

No one would ever track it back to you.

Yes, yes, it's perfect.

Stop making our posters now.

Tonight, and only tonight.

Come to the clearing in the wood.

There, by taperlight, by torch, aye,

maybe, mayhap, round some fire of some sort, see the irreverent and unlicensed plays of Geikel Munch and Mooncock.

Oh, oh, yeah, and maybe, like, there's a snappy sort of, like, um, uh, uh, title head that's like king of cockticklers.

Yeah, well, that that may

so first idea not always best idea.

No, it's a good idea.

Exception.

It is a good idea because it would help draw more crowds to the show.

Yes, as yes,

but but chunt it might give away their new secret identities.

Chunt's right.

Chunt's right.

First idea, best idea.

It will say, the cockticklers, we're bringing in the crowds, and the first thing we'll say is, hey we're not the cock ticklers

thereby putting all those uh all concerns to rest and then from there anything could happen full irreverence on stage yes the power of theater

yes we'll call it anything goes anything goes yes with the stylings of cock and munch

Munch cocks tonight by moonlight.

Oh, we'll be munching cocks by moonlight tonight, boys.

Ha ha!

Yes, oh, you've done it.

Oh, Trunt, I feel like I'm alive again for the first time in a long time.

No longer laboring under the weighty yoke of sponsored content, but to finally act irreverently once more, to be the heavy once again.

Speaking of casting free from sponsored content, let's take a quick break and listen to some of our great, wonderful sponsors.

Are you ready to take your small biz to the next level?

At the UPS store, we have the key to unlock a world of possibilities.

We'll sign for your packages and protect them from porch pirates.

We'll send texts straight to your phone so you're in the loop for new deliveries.

And give your small biz the street credit deserves with a real street address.

So, what are you waiting for?

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details, the UPS store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

Radical, radical.

Energizing.

Energizing.

Radical.

Consumption of too much special cream may cause your eyes to turn backwards and fall out.

More than four creams a day will cause you to sprout.

Michael, Michael.

You're doing it again.

Michael.

Michael, sorry, sorry.

Too much disclaiming, friend.

Yes, sir.

Oh.

I haven't felt this alive since two days ago when I accidentally ate four creams.

Yes.

Oh, that was something else.

Your eyes were all pupil.

And now, now I feel brave again.

Bravery is a feeling when you do things that are courageous, and you do things even though you are scared and they're the right thing to do.

Then you do them and you act in a way that isn't

not brave.

C Arnie, a song.

That was a Granny.

First step on a journey.

First step is the scariest one.

Stepping out on the road and you find your way.

There's always a way to go and sometimes obstacles to find in the path that you go on

But the brave soul takes the path and steps over the obstacle even though the anxiety's still inside

You know like the song says

now that's a song.

Oh, I gotta pour one out for for Jam Patterson

Oh Jam Patterson.

What happened to Jan Patterson?

Well, it's a terrible tale.

Of course was recounted in the wonderful play The Tale of Jam Patterson.

It was written by his wife, who was the last person to see him alive.

Oh, Jellyroll Patterson.

You've never seen it, Arnie?

I've never seen it.

It lives extant in our memories.

Yes, of course.

It's one of the classics of Funian literature.

Could I bother you to mount a quick production for us today, here, right now?

Okay, no, do we need no bother at all?

Yes, it will be no trouble at all.

We'll do our best to resist infusing it with our cream.

The sun, even now, is dipping.

We're now cocktickling by night.

Shed the name of Michael Gunch.

Take on the Munchman's name.

The Munchman.

It's Geigel Munch, aka the Munchman.

Blimey, aren't you Jam Patterson, the writer?

That I am.

Scribe of many a lusty lusty ballad and tragical dirge.

I am Jam Patterson.

Even today, my children were singing your songs.

Ah, the whole virtue cycle you did right.

Ah, they tell me I'm dishonest.

I'm unbrave, they called me.

My own boy said he was ashamed of me and then sang your song about integrity.

Why are they still kicking the stump during this?

Really giving it to that stump.

You...

You cannot blame my lyrics for this.

I merely gave your children a voice for a feeling that you had already instilled.

That...

That is the songwriter's art.

To articulate in unrhymed and sort of melodic words.

A feeling heretofore unspoken by anyone.

And this is what I have done for your children.

I'm sorry that it hurts you.

Hurts you as much as me kicking this utterly useless stump.

Oh, this is the last song you'll have ever written, though, Jam Patterson.

Says me.

Me too.

Me as well.

All of us parents here.

All 160 of us.

We're the 160 angry parents.

Wow, he's playing so many parts.

Yeah, this is almost like the AI slop.

Oh, so this is how it ends.

For Jam Patterson, destroyed by a parental advisory.

Each one of us will take a hold of some part of your body.

And then we're going to pull you apart, Jam Patterson.

You'll be the proverbial jam of your name.

Oh, but my songs shall live on.

My songs shall live on in the hearts of all.

My fans shall live to tell my story, especially my wife, Jellyroll Patterson.

I'm torn to pieces.

Nothing can save me now.

Not even the delicious and energizing burst of a riptide blue

energy

cream.

Oh,

it's time for a break.

You deserve a break.

Have a couple creams tonight.

Time for a break.

You deserve a great.

Go out and start a fight.

The taste is gonna jam your mind and work you to the street.

Everybody's jamming now, jamming to the sweet tissue of mustachio cream.

Whoa.

Oh, Oh, wow.

That is.

Did you see that?

They took out...

I don't think they had mentioned it earlier.

They took out Extreme Cream.

Is that a new one that they were saving for this play?

We couldn't help ourselves, I'm afraid.

Just slipped out.

That was incredible.

And the Mustachio Company is releasing Extreme Electric Creams.

Whoa.

Electric creams?

Do they electrify you?

Like, do they shoot electricity into your body?

Very painful.

you.

They'll wake you up fast.

Are they concerned about losing market share to all those free-range creams out there?

Nobody steps on mustachios.

Well, I'm just saying, if they're coming out with electric creams, it seems a little desperate.

When they've already got a great array of flavors and the regular creams, you start to think, you know, maybe they're worried that Beardo Beardsley's

creaming crop

is

the free-range cream that doesn't harm any chickens.

The hell is this stump talking about?

Yeah, Yusido, you're reading all this off of a scroll.

What's going on?

Well, nothing.

I didn't get a sponsorship during the breaks.

I wouldn't do that to our good friends.

Don't worry.

All of the creams produced by Mustachio's sweet and energizing creams are produced by totally consensual relationships with mammalian chickens.

Free range or not, the creams are given willingly.

And wouldn't you know it?

Most free-range cream companies have lately been purchased in a massive acquisition by Mustachio Cream.

Oh, nice.

So we try to get away from Mustachio Cream, and you can't.

Even your favorite little bespoke cream company is probably really owned by Mustachio Cream now.

Your little micro brew cream company, probably, if you follow the chain of corporate structure, goes all the way back up to Mustachio Cream.

They're all made in the Mustachio factories.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I prefer a micro cream.

You'll say it again?

I'll say it again.

That's my sacred promise.

Micro cream's always been a little hoppy for me.

I like a really drinkable cream.

Yeah, those chickens really hop around.

Yeah, very hoppy.

The chickens hop too much.

Michael, Winky, I...

I don't know how to broach this with you.

I'm very excited about your radical new dangerous nighttime plays to try to take down the wizards, or at least build a new audience of people who think you can take down the wizards.

I can see why it's hard to broach that that with us.

Possibly fit all that text in a brooch.

Boil it down to a sentence or two.

It nearly fits in my mouth.

I feel like you have a weird problem though, which is your sponsored content is too good.

Like every time you start to drift into the sponsored content, I start enjoying myself way more than the other stuff.

Oh, this is the...

This is the tickler's curse.

Also, to piggyback on that, Arnie, I will say,

as much as I love this, and as much as I love the idea of you guys at night, it feels like Mooncock and the Munch Man might be more of a morning crew.

Oh, yeah.

Mooncock and the Munch Man.

A morning zoo crew.

Yeah, yeah, with all the chickens, it just feels like maybe something to wake up to.

Yes, we could meet people on their way to work up out upon the road.

Yes, bring to life the jam and songs of Jam Patterson during the commuting hours.

And also do pranks and stuff.

Yeah,

we could prank call people.

We could call out to them and then turn around.

Like, we never called you.

When people are riding their horses to work in the morning, they're always so bored and so angry.

So I just feel like mooncock in a munch band.

Sorry, some of that.

Sorry, I don't know what got caught in my throat here.

Creamcock and I'm a bad man.

How many creams have you eaten?

Yeah.

You haven't had only three creams, have you?

Keep in mind, when I ate four creams, I lost 25 pounds

from so thin.

So we're just giving up on the whole fighting evil thing, it sounds like.

And you're just going to become a morning zoo crew.

You know what?

I'm just going to put myself in the sack this time.

I'm just getting in this sack.

I'm just going to get in a sack.

This is the danger of being an artist.

We have an ethic that we want to follow, that we have a message we want to say.

But we're actors, we're interpreters.

We've rarely been creators of the art that we put forth on the stage.

No, no, it's not.

Winky, it's not you guys.

I think I see the problem here.

Arnie, I think you and I gave too many studio notes.

Oh.

We kept trying to put our fingerprint on things when what they did in the beginning was best.

That's true.

I just like having ideas.

It's so fun to have ideas and to make people listen to them.

Same, but also I need to justify my paycheck.

So I'll say things like, perfect, I wouldn't change a thing, except maybe set it in a diner.

Yeah.

Although, Chunt, is it possible now you're giving us too many notes?

Like, maybe we're giving the right amount of notes, and now you're noting our notes to death?

Yeah, no, you're right.

Gentlemen, listen to yourselves.

Remember, if anything we've learned today is first idea, best idea.

Best idea.

One for you and one for me.

I just had a crazy first idea.

Yes?

Look,

look, I'm skeptical that Arcade.

What everybody is saying.

We're on it.

But what if just once, as the biggest publicity stunt possible, you just tried to do the biggest, most most dangerous, most wizard-destroying production you possibly could.

Will you succeed?

No.

Will you be will you die doing it?

Probably.

But just the glory of trying.

We agreed to it before we heard it out.

I did, anyway.

Yeah, so did I.

I rationally promised I would do it.

So you're saying the biggest, most spectacular, wizard-destroying production that could possibly be conceived

by the cockticklers.

Not a daylight bit of sponsored content, not a nighttime bit of satire.

Not a crepuscular drive-time.

Yes, not a diurnal

play or a crepuscular drive-time show, but just an out-in-the-open piece of wizard-destroying theater.

Yeah.

I mean, what's the most raw, real stuff you've ever done?

Like, have you ever, as actors, ever done anything truly dangerous?

I thought I'd heard notes before, but none has cut me to the quick like this.

You're reminding us of who we're supposed to be.

This is the call that artists feel when they are first drawn to this path.

That they will do something important, something real, something dangerous.

And we have strayed from that path, Arnie.

You're inspiring us to take up that mantle once again, to live out the oaths we have betrayed.

To be dangerous artists once more.

To be the cockticklers we dreamed of being.

Not the ones that we are.

Damn these creams.

Damn these cursed creams.

Tonight?

Nay.

Today.

Beneath the blazing lunchtime sun.

I...

It is hot today, by the way.

I just want to say that.

Oh, God.

It's scorching.

It gives me a headache.

I've had to squint all day.

This cream is so room temperature.

It's so warm.

Then Usidor is in his bag.

Usidor, get on out of there.

What are you doing?

Sorry, I couldn't couldn't really hear what's going on.

Did someone say corpuscular?

I'm going to stand in the middle of town, beneath the noontime sun.

Remove all my clothes.

Naked.

Naked.

Naked I will be, and I will say that there I'll stand, and I will eat 50 creams.

What?

I'll eat this whole bag of creams.

50 cream, 50 cream, 50 cream, 50 cream, 50 cream.

Yes, and then that'll show the wizards.

But what if it destroys you, or you destroy everyone around you?

Or that's what Arnie said.

Arnie said I was probably gonna die, and I agreed to.

I never should have gotten that sack.

You said what you went in that sack.

I started saying things and they believed me.

I gave notes that were too good.

Arnie gave us notes to pledge our very lives to our art.

The greatest risk I can imagine is to stand out and to eat as many creams as possible.

I won't survive because I'm not a wizard.

I don't have the magic to save myself.

I'm a mortal human being.

An actor.

Michael, are you on board with this plan of madness?

I swore it already.

Before I heard it, I said I'd do it.

And so,

sounds like Winky is already

partway there.

50 cream missions.

He's deep, deep on these creams.

So he's going to...

He's going to be slurping down 50 creams, taking off his garments, going into the town square, and letting it rip.

And I'm going to be standing nearby.

Which is also dangerous, I imagine.

It's dangerous.

Yeah, it's not safe.

Ah, that's two creams down.

Oh, God.

Really choking him down.

They are

really quite hot under the sun.

It's hot, and they're very viscous.

Yeah, it takes a little while.

They're sticking together.

And if anyone asks us who gave us the idea to do this little piece of agit prop, perhaps

if I manage to survive whatever happens to Winky,

I'll tell them that it was the genius,

the trailblazer, yes,

the real author of this daring and avant-garde piece of theater,

Arninikamp, the wind beneath our wings, Arninikamp, aka

Night Boner.

Yes, you're part of the good group now.

With a cake now.

That has a stickiness to it.

Night boner.

With a cake now.

He was cocking the munch man now.

Yes.

Oh.

Six creams in.

Wait, hold on.

Winky, winky.

I'm so sorry.

I know I've steered you in this direction.

Is it possible that I can release you from this promise?

I don't want you

to die right now.

How about this?

How about this glacier?

How about this?

This is a compromise.

I know this is my second thought, and it's not as good as my first thought, but what if you spend like an unusually long time planning the biggest, most dangerous show you've ever done.

That way, you can feel like you're being true to yourself in the planning, but then you don't have to actually die or do the dangerous thing for a long time.

Oh,

telling him six creams in might have been a little late for that, but yes, um, no one's ever survived six creams.

Oh,

the whole time you were talking, I kept eating.

I'm seven and a half creams in now.

Wink

out

an electric.

Not an electric.

An extreme cream.

Look, let's get into the town square right now and just see what happens.

Everyone, get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

We're getting out of here.

Out of the way,

out of the way, get around.

You can have some idea.

Blind me, have you forgotten who you are, people of foon?

Look upon me.

I'm no wizard.

I'm one of you, made of flesh and gases.

Ah, I am erupting like a volcano of mortality.

Look, look at where I leak.

All portals open.

A walking heart I am.

I'm radical.

Radical.

Gone.

That was so extreme.

The wizard's deadness.

Follow Arnie Kneekamp.

He's our only true hope in defeating the wizards.

Listen to Winky Silks.

A martyr to the cause.

Hey, a defier of the wizards.

And someone who truly should bear the title of Cocticla.

Of man.

Of totally extreme and radical dude.

Yeah, but how did he do it?

How did he become so powerful?

By taking to the dome seven and a half mustachio extreme creams.

The only cream that comes in seven awesome flavors to dance upon your palate and vivify your spirit.

Oh, here comes the cream team, Arnie.

That's a bunch of busty ladies in bikinis.

Oh, they're lighting cannons.

They have little cream cannons where they're sort of shooting the cream into the crowd.

Wait, what's Winky Silk's self-emulation part of a bit of SpawnCon?

Yeah, most of the audience seems to be taking away the message about the creams and not so much about the wizards.

Did they see it, Michael?

Did they see it?

They saw everything, Winky.

They saw everything, my friend.

I'm hollow.

There's nothing left inside.

You're more portal than man now.

Arnie, earlier, when Winky was sick, he said all portals open.

Do you think...

Do you think?

Arnie?

He said all portals open.

Do you think?

Do I think?

Do you think a man who drank seven and a half creams has the power to open all portals?

I mean, I know he was...

you know, evacuating his bowels, but all portals open.

It's...

every line is chosen, Arnie.

There's no superfluous intent.

There's a reason he said all portals open.

Arnie, yeah.

The portal was in me.

The one who dies.

Son of a port.

Oh, never mind.

It's one of those.

That's how they end it?

That's how they end it?

His last words before he died?

No, that's the worst.

That's how we're ending this episode.

Good night, sweet prince.

And in retrospect, I feel bad saying that over a dead body, but bad last words.

Bad last words.

And it seems I couldn't help.

I couldn't help spawn conning until the very end.

Fare you well, Anini Camp.

Chunt.

You.

There.

I'm being taken away by the green team.

Goodbye, Michael Gunch.

Bye.

Bye, Munch.

Gunchman out.

They're taking away Winky Silk's body, too.

Wait, did he wink at me?

I think he I think that body just winked at me.

With which portal?

Could have been gas escaping.

Remember he said he's mostly fleshing gas?

I guess so.

Continue to fight the good fight, Arnie.

I'll do my best.

But it really seems as though the powers of free enterprise have a way of absorbing every attempt to radically subvert them.

It seems like Winky's laughing, but that could just be gas escaping.

Seems like the body's crawling towards that horse.

That could just be gas escaping.

It's hot out here.

Let's go back inside.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's crack some of this.

Let's go.

A couple of creams.

Oh, let's crack some creams.

Let's crack some creams.

About 5,000% too much portal talk for my tastes.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.

Michael Gunch was played by Ross Bryant.

You can see Ross regularly on Dropout TV.

And Ross has a new podcast, Push the Roll with Ross Bryant, where he runs fully improvised Call of Cthulhu one-shot games.

Winky Silks was played by Joey Bland.

Check out Joey's new trivia podcast, Like Mines.

Arnie, Matt, and Advil have all guested on recent episodes.

Hmm, Joey must have somehow lost all of my contact information.

Surprising for such a bottomless source of know-it-all vibes.

Find Joey's adorable little project wherever you get podcasts.

Ross and Joey both perform regularly with the improvised Shakespeare Company.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Stefan Drainger.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

Cracking some creams with your boys.

After a long day hanging in the woods.

The taste of flowing cream coming down off the mountain.

Glacier,

mustache-io extreme cream flowing down your throat.

It's a way of kicking back

with a voice.

Yeah.