Season 5, Ep 77 - Chunt for Blue October (w/ John Patrick Coan)

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Filling your porch with dozens of jack-o'-lanterns, all carved with a Are you truly living up to your potential? Expression may not be greeted with the wave of appreciation your art deserves.

I guess it's back to gap-toothed grins. I suppose we get the jack-o-lantern we deserve.
Now, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.
If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Ten and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, The Ruffled Feather, in McShingleshane Forest, on the outskirts of Hogsface in the magical land of Foon.

And I'm so excited. It's that time of year again.

Chunt for Red October, hosted by my cousin, my good bud, Chunt the Talking Badger. Blood Bong.
Blood Bong. You want to do a hit?

Isn't this blood? Isn't this a charity of blood for like vampires and stuff? I'm not really... I'm not a blood drinker myself.
Artie, I gotta tell you,

we are doing gangbusters. We have so much blood.
I don't know what to do with it. I don't know.
The word is out, okay, Artie. We are swimming in blood.

Chunt, did you just vaporize blood and inhale it in a bag? You better believe it, bitch.

You sure you don't want to hit?

Um, I guess I'll try. Like, what does it do? Or is it just like getting blood into my system? They're getting blood.

Getting some blood.

Oh, I feel so good. Artie, did you see who all's here? We got life-size mosquitoes.
We got regular mosquitoes. We got vampires.
We got, um, who? Campfires. Um, those are vampires on fire.
What else?

Yeah, there's, I didn't mean to be rude to your guests that you're trying to raise uh blood charity for, but I had the campfires go outside because there was real danger they were going to set the whole place on fire.

Yeah, especially with some of the um ambulatory scarecrows. We got some pumpkin people.
Artie, this is a bash. This is kind of amazing.
Yeah, it's so much work for you to put this together every year.

Can I be honest? Yeah. I didn't promote this year.
You didn't? No, I don't know what's going on. I'm telling you.

Like, people just are so used to it happening that they're making it happen themselves?

I don't know. I mean, some of these look like new faces.
I haven't seen them before, but everyone is giving blood, Arnie. Everyone is giving so much blood.
A scary amount.

A few people look like they're dead over there. Like,

are people just bloodletting themselves out?

Bloodletting themselves.

Arnie, I forgot to tell you. Here's the best part.
We have a lot of undead here. And what the undead give, it's not really blood.
It's more like bluish, grayish kind of plasma.

So I thought to do something new, since this is going so well, I thought to roll this into a new thing, chunt for Blue October. Oh.

So that Usidor can, you know how he's always making spells and stuff. Does he do that? I feel like he's always, he's like, do you have like five eggs? Or like, he'll be like, do you have cinnamon?

Like, he's always borrowing ingredients. I guess, is that making, I guess that it might be spells.
Yeah.

He always needs something. So I figured, why not, you know, collect, since everyone's showing up anyway, collect what I can.
Sure. I mean, he's had a tough year.

Doing something to support our good bud Yusador sounds great. Yeah, and I guess he's staring right at us listening to all this, giving a big thumbs up.

Should we bring him in? I guess so. I'm also joined by my other host, one of the reasons for the season.
It's Chunfor Blue October, Usador the Blue.

I am Usador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of the Magical Lights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Tracis, the Elves know me as Fiangalik, the Dwarves know me as Zonan and Hookstanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gaswadius May Star.

And it may trouble you to know that when I say

six teaspoons of clove, that I am casting a spell.

Oh.

Oh, so you don't need six teaspoons of clove. Six teaspoons of clove.

It really sounds like he's saying six teaspoons of clove. No.
But no.

If I needed six teaspoons of clove, I would say six teaspoons of clove.

Arnie, do you ever notice how sometimes Usidor does spells where it sounds like he's playing his own voice backwards? Yeah. One time I thought I heard him say, Arnie is dead.

What? Am I dead? I mean, I have been dead, but I'm alive now. When did you die? Hey, have we all been dead? I think we've all more or less been dead.
That's cool. That's fun.

Yeah, that's something we share. What if you're still in the Burger King parking lot in Chicago, and this is just the last 10 years have just been

the last three seconds of your brain dying? Oh my gosh.

My brain dying is really stretching it out.

Well, it feels like 10 years, but of course.

That reminds me, code blue. Chunt,

you've done this wonderful boon for me.

I couldn't help but notice because I was sitting right at the table staring right at you while you talked about it.

But you've been collecting blue plasma for me? Yeah, buddy. I just thought, you know, I don't know what you could use it for, but we have so many undead here.

Look, giant bats.

There are so many manners of dark and evil spells that that can be done with blue plasma, but also some really nice ones. Well, let's try and figure out kind of what's why everyone's here.

Excuse me. Hey, buddy.
Excuse me?

Hey, yeah, friend. How's it? How's it? How's it?

It's good. I'm not doing nothing over here.

I was just

checking, because some of these people seem to have given too much blood and they seem to be dead. Oh.
Well, some people,

some of the things here are undead. I shouldn't say people.
Some of the things here are undead, but

some are seemingly came in living and are now dead. Yeah, some of them gone regular dead, and I'm not doing nothing over here.
So

you keep pinching what you're not doing.

Enjoy your nut, fellas.

Wait, hang on, hang on, hang on. You're closing the cap on a flask next to the punch here.
Was that...

Were you putting some punch in your flask?

Yes, I was. I thought, is that not...

Is that not okay?

I thought this was for everyone. Ah, shit, I should have said, what are you doing versus giving him an option?

If there's people putting the punch in cups, I don't understand what the difference is because I'm not taking more than anyone else is taking. Yeah, that's fair.

Is that okay? Enjoy your night, fellas.

Well, enjoy your night.

Enjoy your night.

Enjoy your night.

Dragging this body.

Dragging this body up. Pardon me.
Pardon me. I couldn't help but notice.
This one yours? Oh, I'm sorry, fellas. This one yours? No, no, no, no, no.

I just, it says that you said you weren't doing anything, and then you seem to conspicuously be dragging a body out of here. Yeah.

And also saying that you're also like grunting what you're doing while you're doing it. Yeah.
It's an audio medium. Give it a break.
Fair enough. You have to deserted myself a little bit.

I'm not, you know, I'm not.

Hey, can I be honest with you, fellas? Please. Sure.

Oh, boy, I'm in a mess. I'm in a big mess of a pickle of a mess over here.

My name is Gouldhan Luke, and I am in a little bit of a mess, and I'm hoping you kind strangers will take it upon yourselves to help a troubled soul out of what I can only describe as one big pickle.

Sure. You've come at the right time.
Chunt,

take it away.

I should say,

since you were kind enough to introduce yourself, I'm Chunt. This is Usidor, and this is Arnie.
Arnold. Chunt, Usidor, Arnie.

And I'm so sorry to ask you to repeat, did you say your name was Ghoul Hand Luke? My name's Ghoul Hand Luke. Obviously, I'd shake, you know, as I'm introducing myself, but I got a

I got to keep this little feller in my pocket. Whoa.

Yeah. Sorry.
No.

What the?

I think I understand what this gentleman is responding to, and that's on me.

When you only have the ability to use one hand, sometimes zipping up your fly after you go to the bathroom becomes somewhat of a oversight but i got i got it now kind of pinch at the knee and pull up

yeah

so you have to keep that that that other hand in a in your pocket all the time yeah uh uh i i presume from your name uh

because

uh you have like psoriasis or something

Friend, that's that's you do me a kindness with psoriasis, but no, I am uh I am called Ghoul ghoul hand Luke for a reason. It is because my hand, what was once, were taken from me and replaced with

full-size,

huh?

Not full-size, but

shrunken down to the size of a hand, but

full-size ghoul shrunken down to the size of a hand.

Full size for a hat. Full size for a hand-size, ghoul-size,

regular.

Proportions of a ghoul, size of a hand. That's the way I could have said it a little bit earlier.
That's a ghoul size of a hand. Yeah, good people.
All we have here is a failure to communicate.

Yeah, now that could be true, and that does seem to be true. And I do apologize for that.
And you gentlemen do enjoy your rest of your evening. Yeah, I'm not sure.

Hold on, hold on. This fella, yours? You know this fella.
This fella you care about? Someone you care about. Someone you knew.

Now, Ghoulhand, Luke, I can't help but notice your

holding in one of your hands, sort of while

grabbing that person's shirt

It says corpse check. It's sort of a ticket and seems like the dead body has the other half of the corpse check in their breast pocket, but it seems like you just scrawled this seconds ago.

I sort of saw you do it and

oh, you did see that. Okay, we can leave with that.
Yeah, you caught me there, didn't you?

So I've been caught. Yeah, we should I next year I'll definitely have a corpse check, but it just seems like you're trying to steal this body.
I'm kind of, yeah, I am trying to take this body.

And just so you fellas know it is not for me i'm there's nothing that i want with this body it's for the little guy in the pocket he is a ghoul and he does eat the corpses of the deceased and he does need to feed and this is you know this is a way that i have found to kind of fix you know killing two birds with one stone without killing the metaphorical the the bird is a metaphor you see and uh and this and this fella's already dead and i didn't have to kill him and so this seems like a this seems like a win-win for all parties involved you fellas have a good net now.

Get out of here.

Chunt,

now, it is a blood drive and a plasma drive, and there is this body here that is devoid of those things that could help ghoul hand Luke here. So is it also

a body drive?

Are we getting into that field?

That's what I'm asking.

I didn't really want to get into that field just because it it attracts no offense to your hand it attracts sort of the wrong crowd but no

it attracts ghouls is what you're saying sure yeah no I know hey you're talking to a man you know I'm not a ghoul and I appreciate that because ghouls are scary things little phantasms that suck the

deceased you know I wanted to say life force but they ain't got a life force I don't really

To be honest with you fellas, don't really understand what the ghoul does, but I know it makes a horrible sound and I kind of don't like to do it in political sound.

You know know it's sucking, basically.

Oh, it's a sucking sound.

I've heard a sucking sound before, and what it's doing is definitely getting something out of it. So, you turn your head when your hand.
Actually, let me break a deal. Um, you can take that body.

Um, I don't recognize this thing or person. You can take that body if

you let us interview your hand for our podcast. Oh, boy.
And a podcast is sort of um, Arnie, what would you say? It's sort of a

sort of a sort of like a

conversation,

but you've

y'all want to have a conversation with the ghoul. Yes, yes.
Is that possible?

I mean,

I can't, in good conscience,

tell you that that is a smart idea to do. I mean, this is a ghoul.
This is a phantasm demon from hell or the abyss or wherever it is from, and it is

only put on this earth earth to uh suck the whatever it sucks out of the corpses of the dead sure sure now i'll tell you what the ghoul's also not too particular about that part about the dead i mean it can make fresh dead it can you know it's like it is a it is a murderer it is a you know and i've gotten in a lick of trouble from the ghoul as well i've been incarcerated

it sucks and licks which you know if you think about it the licking don't come too far from the sucking right i mean those are complimentary actions.

Now, did your name used to be Luke? Yeah, is that a family name?

Yeah, no, my name was Luke.

I've been taken to be called ghoul hair Luke on account of people see the ghoul on my hand and suddenly they associate that part a little more strongly than just Luke.

Now, I'd love to be called Luke, but I feel a little bit disingenuous to introduce myself nowadays as just Luke when it's going to be obvious and apparent.

A lot of baggage you're carrying around with you. So, yeah, this is straightforward about that.
This is sort of a Spider-Feet Larry situation. Remember

Spider-Feet Larry? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Arnie, do you remember? Is that the guy that by cord order had to stay a few feet away from all spiders?

That's the one? That's him. And everyone took notice and they let him have it.
Luke, did you get caught stealing, or how'd you lose the hand? Once when you were five.

I mean, hey, there are no bad guesses. Arnie, you want to throw throw one out? Um,

honestly, I'm not embarrassed by it whatsoever. I, I, I gotta do it.
You please, please.

Did you like

is the ghoul your hand, or is the ghoul on your hand? Like, is your hand?

I had no hand. I had a hand replacement, and the replacement hand that I got was a ghoul the scale and size of what once was my hand.

Yeah, I think that was pretty clear that the hand is gone. Okay.
Oh, hand's gone.

This isn't like a puppeteering situation.

But can you feel the ghoul? Can you feel the ghoul like you would feel your hand?

I can, to a certain extent, feel the ghoul like I can feel my hand. Now, there is subtle differences.

My hand was a hand, and this is a nether spirit from the hell realms masquerading as flesh and blood.

But

there's a vague sensation that is similar.

I got into a mess of trouble back in my wilder days, and I was, like I said, incarcerated for a brief period of time, but it didn't take too kindly to being incarcerated, so I would escape, as was my want and my passion, from time to time.

But man, I was escaping so much that they got so sick of me escaping that they finally cut my hand off and put a little guru on there. That's terrible.

We did some time this year.

You don't say.

Yeah, no, we were incarcerated for a month. How long was it, Ani? It was probably like four or five episodes.
Wow. Was it the topless tower, I want to say? That's right.

Do you ever go to the topless tower? You ever do any time there? Oh, man. I wish I could say that I had.
It's mostly chain gangs, mostly what I was working on.

Putting the ghoul on my hand, kind of a disastrous to that effect. It made it very hard to do chain gang activities with one hand.

Right.

Oh, so the ghoul doesn't help. So, like, if you're.

He's not a helpful ghoul. I don't know if I put put that out there that everyone was thinking of the same thing, that this is a helpful ghoul.
This is a hindrance to me.

Now, I knew it wasn't helpful, but if you really had your back to the law, like someone throws a medicine ball at you,

and you have to catch it.

Does the ghoul, like, does it still doesn't help? You can't even catch with two hands. Throws a medicine ball? Something big.
What else big could you throw at somebody?

No, please don't throw anything at me. An instant will take over, and I will take my hand out of my pocket, and this ghoul will raise all measure of hell in here.

And no, he does not, he does not help me even if there is a medicine. I think that the ghoul, frankly, and I have an antagonistic relationship.
Oh,

odd couple. Yeah.

And if I'm being quite honest, I think if push came to shove and the dice were up against the wall, the ghoul would kill me and try to eat, suck, lick out my essence, whatever it is inside of me.

What happens to the ghoul if you die? Does it die? Or wither or whatever happens to a ghoul? Ghoul? Am I honest with you? I don't don't think the ghoul cares. I don't think he's not that far ahead.

I think he is a mindless, fearless, hell beast, intent on only one thing, and that is devouring whatever it is inside of him. So you and the ghoul don't talk much, is what you're saying.
No, we do.

We do. We do.
It just don't.

Yeah, it just don't. It ain't productive.
It's not productive conversations.

Have you ever had a conversation where you feel like you're just saying words to each other instead of really hearing each other and what?

All the time. Sure.
Six table students of clothes. Does the ghoul pay rent? Oh, as in to rent out my body?

Yeah. No, he is, for all intents and purposes, I would say,

kind of free-loaded inside of my body.

Yeah.

I'm not sure he's been here so long that there might be some sort of common law rule that says he gets to stay for free. I'm not sure if the ghoul and I are common law married at this point.

Oh, he might have suckers' rights. He definitely, he definitely has.

If indeed sucker's rights were to be for a thing, he may indeed have him. Luke,

excuse us for just one moment. Yeah, I'm going to get out of your hair.
I'll take him up and down. You sort of step on the body.
Step on the body. Step on the body.
There you go. Hold the hero.

Ah, boy. Okay.
Well, you got his legs, but yeah, this one I cannot use because whatever that stuff that came out of the body was is

I just know

kind of some of the similar stuff that the ghoul is interested in. Oh, that's the good stuff that they needed.
I don't know about good. Yeah, but

they wanted it.

Oh, yeah, he's doing he's doing a number on my thigh right now he definitely wanted that uh all right no yeah sorry step away i'm i might just help myself to some libations and some refreshments oh yeah there's um hard-boiled legs over there if you uh hey artist yeah yeah should we take a break and come back and try and talk to the school yeah i feel like this needed to be a private conversation asset yeah i just it just feels like their dynamic would be really kind of fun.

It just sounds like this love-hate relationship. John, I haven't thought about this before.

is it rude of us to always cut to commercial in front of the guests instead of excusing ourselves for a private conversation about going to commercial i mean we could just keep talking to the person and edit in the commercials later have we tried that i mean sometimes when we forget

how many hard-boiled eggs do you think that guy could eat 50

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Now, Luke,

I've been listening to what you have to say about the ghoul, and I agree. But I think there's a truth hidden between these meetings.

I'm reading between the lines, which has led me to believe that maybe this ghoul, who's so self-destructive, willing to kill its own host body, and thereby potentially dissipate or die or whatever the hell ghouls do,

I think perhaps this ghoul doesn't like itself very much.

And I think if we had an opportunity to speak to this ghoul

and tell it that it has value

and that it should love itself,

it might make the ghoul's life easier and thereby your life easier.

You know,

I can honestly say I never even considered that to be a possibility, but you out he's biting my leg, I'm letting him out. How come I'm not? Oh, holy shit, that thing is terrifying.
What the fuck?

I thought you were lying lying this whole time and you just had, like, kept your hand in your pocket, and you tried to make yourself interesting by saying you had a ghoul hand.

You thought Luke was lying?

Sure, I mean, sometimes nothing is a real ghoul hand.

Luke may be a lot of things, but he is no liar.

Uh, ghoul, do you have a name, or do we just call you ghoul? Ghoul will survive. Sorry, is ghoul your name?

I mean,

what are you doing? I don't know. I mean, I don't know his name.

I am a ghoul.

Yeah, no, I just...

Were you, gentlemen, ever dead?

I'm getting a distinct dead smell from all of you. Yeah, I was dead

eight or nine years ago, yeah. And we still smell dead? Like, it's been years for all of us, I think.
I think what it is, is it's more like a me thing, like, I am very attuned.

Hey,

crazy question.

None of you would mind if I suck the essence of what it is that makes you you out of you to eat. Would it?

Let's give it a shot. Okay.

I'm gonna pass. I think I need the essence of what makes me mean.

You don't want that on me? No. Chunt, what about you? Can I ask where

what the entry point is, I guess? Or I don't know how to phrase this article.

I know where this is going. That's the other choice.
I don't mind. I don't need to get inside, but I can get inside however you I can make a hole, I can use a hole.

Well, if you get inside, it's no longer sucking, right? It's you're just kind of eating.

Right? I guess so.

Is it like teeth that suck, or you have is it, or are you like a leopard that can show you?

I can show you. I can show you specifically.
Oh, don't show him. Don't show him.
No, no, no, no. He's fine.

Look, I just, before you... I don't know.
I mean, you don't need to be sucking any of these fine folks. They're the ones hosting this here blood drive.

And they have all manner of bevy of corpses in here that you could suck on their behalf. Thank you, Luke.

Cool. I just wanted to say to you, it sounds like you and Luke have a bit of a contentious relationship.
Oh, yeah, I hate this fucking guy. Okay, but he's literally hosting you, keeping you alive.

So, what is your what is your problem with him? He sucks.

Okay. Well, you can be any more specific than that? I mean, he's kind of a loser, you know.

He's always in and out of jail. He can't hold a job.
He's never had a girlfriend. Even though that's all he talks about wanting.

Luke. Luke.
Oh, Luke. Why is that? Are you okay, Luke? Why have you never met, tried to form a meaningful relationship?

Well, I've been in and out of prison for most of my life, and then when I got outside of prison, I had a ghoul for a hand. And that's kind of a deal breaker for a lot of women.

And the type of women that do, it's not a deal breaker for her, not really necessarily the type of women I'm necessarily interested in, I guess, is the short and long of it.

Yeah, I mean, everyone has baggage, but I guess there are some people that are like, I'm ready to have you in my life, but I'm not ready to have a ghoul for a hand in my life.

I mean, that's yeah, that is the God's honest truth, and I do believe that to be true. So, ghoul, uh, you see, you're contributing to this issue where

Luke is not able to form meaningful relationships. Can you change your behavior?

From my perspective

you know i am not living on him he's living on me well how does that work i mean

i look i've heard his side of the story he got a ghoul sewn to his hand when his hand got cut off but from my perspective i got some schmuck asshole sewn to my entire ghoul body yeah oh i didn't you know what i'm saying like this i didn't even think about that yeah of course you didn't think about that

what happened

why were you in a position that you allowed that to happen or were you being punished in a way too what yeah i was in prison with this asshole

so you were chain gang together

so you were both separate entities on the chain gang yes you both got in trouble they're like fuck you both we're gonna sue you sew you together yes and now you're stuck I kept escaping to go to graveyards to suck corpses.

Sure.

You know, he... What's that?

Sure, sure.

Okay, yeah, yeah, okay, great. Seems like you have have an MO and it's to suck.
Look, yeah,

to be fair, we were agreeing with you too hard.

You know, and so we, they, he kept escaping to do God knows what he would do, write his poetry or whatever.

And so, they put both of us together as a kind of incentive so that neither one of us would escape.

What's the, you know, I've never, I guess, seen one or heard one. What's the sound of the men sort of working on the chain gang? Yeah, yeah.

You know, it's like a.

You know, it's like a, oh,

Yeah, I mean the sound of a man working on a train gang's I don't know it's kind of like um

or like a

So you have some things in common you have a history that you built and you now you have to build a life together

So what what other things might you have in common ghoul is there is there anything that you do like about Luke?

I don't know. I mean, Luke and I haven't really talked, you know, talked like that.
I mean like um oh then this is great. Uh Yusidor, yeah,

have them each say something nice about each other. Yeah, Luke, why don't you say something nice about the ghoul that's been

against your consent, so near

something nice about the ghoul?

I don't know. I like that you're like a phantasm, you know, of sorts.
You don't have like a corporal body, and unless you want to have a corporal body, that seems cool, right?

You know, you can go through walls and stuff like that. That seems...
That seems cool. That could be useful, too.
Ghoul, can you say something nice about Luke? Um

he's got a nice dick

Okay, that's great looking dick on him. Yeah, yeah, you know you know not too big not too small just nice looking dick.
Oh man, I appreciate that. You know, it means that means a lot to me.

Follow-up questions, but I don't know that I want to ask them. But other than that, no, he seems like a complete loser.
I mean, he doesn't like eating corpses. Oh, man, come on.

I don't want to eat corpses. That's all you ever talk about is sucking the stuff out of the the corpse.

Look, I don't want to focus too much on the physical, but there is another thing you have in common. Look, Luke, instead of a hand, you have a ghoul.

And ghoul, one of your hands is replaced by a tiny mule.

Oh, you saw that, did you?

You're a mule hand ghoul, handle.

I'm a Luke hot-body mule hand ghoul.

I'm a Luke body mule hand ghoul. Yes.

Careful, this is going to get to Hornelius territory. Hornelius is a I want to say a

how do you how would you

explain Hornelius? Big Hornelius then

big Hornelius then. I'm familiar with who he is.
Me too. Here's the thing, me too.
But I can't get it right.

Oh, the mule is too, it sounds like. Oh, mule.

Can we talk to the mule? That's about all he says. He's a fucking mule.

He's not a good talking mule.

Well, if I may, it sounds like you don't necessarily respect the mule, so if you don't mind, maybe us asking some questions could sort of cajole some new, fresh perspectives out of him.

I mean, I guess you can try to speak to the mule.

As far as I know, he doesn't speak. He only speaks mule.

Also, I believe he's a foreign mule as well. So

I don't know if it's like a

mule dialect that I'm not familiar with. If any of you know.
So even if we knew mule, we wouldn't know this type of mule. I know.
I believe he's a Moscow mule. So

I don't know exactly where

already there's a lot of um cows here that um they stay sedentary for too long and sort of ivy and moss grow all over them and they kind of become one with their surroundings it's really sad yeah most mostly up north in fingaria yeah without a region but they produce clear milk and it gets you so drunk

Well, if I

I'll get out of your hair now. I don't want to be too much of a bother to you.
No, no, no, no. Hold up, hold up, hold up.
Oh, that's something else you have in common. You both like to try to leave.

Well, I like to try to leave to be polite, and he likes to try to leave because he knows that he sees people hauling corpses outside, and he wants to go outside and suck on those things.

And I honestly, I let him because he, you know,

he's being quite contained right now because we just hit up a big old funeral party, and he's, you know, a little bit full.

Yeah, I guess that's what you would call it, a funeral party.

And a funeral party. Arnie ghouls, they suck horses, don't they?

Sure, I guess. Oh,

excuse me. They're leaving.
Hey, excuse me, excuse me, before you leave. I saw up the door.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no, yeah.

Yeah, I wasn't going to leave. I was just going to go outside for a spell and see if I could.

Okay, so you never said that the donkey was full-size. Oh, you saw the donkey shrunk.
You saw the donkey on the mule's hand? Yeah.

Oh, boy. Well, yeah.

It is sort of a nesting doll situation going on with my body. I mean, the deeper you look, the more you're going to see.
So I implore you to stop at the donkey.

It does seem like the mule to donkey is the sort of least egregious of the...

If I may.

Oh, never mind. So you didn't see.
So you saw,

you thought that the mule had a donkey for a hand. So, okay, so we're missing...
We're missing one inside there as well. Okay.
No, you know what?

I'm going to go ahead and just put my hand back in my pocket right now.

So we don't have to do this whole dog and pony show. And there it is.
I gave it away. I gave the fourth one away.
It's a dog. A dog?

Luke, it seems like you're the victim of some kind of human centipede experiment, but like fisting style.

Okay, I'll take that as a compliment. I thank you, stranger, and I say, and I wish you all a great and great evening and a wonderful blue October.

And I'll take my leave of you now, and I do appreciate it.

And I'm going to pull a couple of these bodies outside because the ghoul and the mule and the dog and the pony and the uh donkey fuck there's there's another one, so that's six now.

Uh they are all getting a little antsy and a little hungry. Uh, Luke, Luke, can I can I ask you a question while everyone's in your pocket?

I mean, absolutely. I'm an open book.

What if you didn't supply them with these corpses for a while?

Well, I mean, I don't know. I mean, I have to kind of supply them with the corpses because they they're hungry for the corpses.
I don't don't know what i'm saying but if they hunger for corpses

it implies that they need that to sustain their ongoing life force and if you want to be free

of these things perhaps

you're saying i i don't give them the corpses yeah and i starve

i well i am suggesting it if it is truly an evil ghoul from hell it is my duty upon foon to strike out and destroy all evil that exists.

Therefore, if by starvation alone this ghoul is set free from thine hand and one less evil entity exists here on Foon, I have done my job.

And now, stranger, you got yourself a little bit of a trolley problem.

Because while the ghoul is undoubtedly an evil creature, as far as I know, the mule and the pony and the donkey and the dog, they never did nothing wrong.

They, for all intents and purposes, and I do not speak their tongue. They seem to be nice, upstanding guys.

But if you think I can starve a mule, a donkey, a dog, and a pony to kill one ghoul to save my soul,

well, I mean, that's an appealing proposition. Well, I also, just to do all my due diligence here, I need to know what you eat real quick.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. What kind of shit are you into, man? Y'all saw me house 50 eggs just there.
Oh, that's

right. You did eat a lot of eggs.
I did 50 eggs in under an hour. It's very...
You ever seen a man do that before? Never. Incredible.

I don't believe anyone ever has.

I might be the first.

Well, we'll put a plaque up in the tavern to commemorate the eggs. It's a little bit of a little bit of a parlor trick on my account because

I do have another ghoul in my stomach. What? Yeah,

an egg ghoul? He's an egg ghoul. Most of those eggs end up in hell or wherever, because the kind of the ghoul just kind of transports them in there.
Oh, hold on. Hold on.
Yep.

You're telling me that the ghoul that lives in your stomach doesn't devour the eggs. It just transports.
It's just like a conduit for sending eggs to hell. I mean, I never poop.
What? So what?

I don't know what happens to the eggs, but... Hold up.
Hold up.

You

never poop. How can I wipe?

I mean, but wait, what's going on with your other hand? What do you mean? You can't wipe with your other hand? With my left hand? One hand has a ghoul, and let's see the other hand.

The other hand that's been in my pocket this whole time? I'd rather not take it out.

Why are you dragging that body?

Feet?

Hold on.

Have you been wiping with that hand? Is it covered in poop? Are you a stool hand, Luke?

Well, uh,

let me take the hand out of my pocket, and I believe all questions will will be answered

Sorry about the smell you hit it right on the head off the stool hand Luke

Luke I don't have a ghoul in my stomach

I Eat 50 eggs. It affects me in a really bad way.
Sure.

And I only have the one hand so it kind of

limited with my options.

Now, in all earnesty, I was trying to get out of here so I could wash my hand off in a stream or something.

Now I feel bad keeping you here.

I know you have had

a series of romantic mishaps and woes because of the ghoul on your hand.

May I put forth that the other hand may be just as detrimental. Yeah.

If not more so. I thought you were going to bring me a solution, man.

We should bring you a solution so you can clean off your hand. I've tried almost everything.

Wow. What?

I haven't tried water and soda. Apple cider vinegar? No, I haven't tried that.
I've tried almost everything, but I haven't tried that.

List off some of the things you've tried. Oh, man, I just put it together.
I got to eat with this hand, too. Oh, don't touch your eye.
Don't touch your eye. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, he's rubbing his eye. Don't do that.
Don't do that.

Hey, can I stay with you guys forever?

Can I stay with you guys forever? Yeah, I don't have a place to go. Can I stay with you guys forever? Is that.

Please say no. Hey, I could be your prisoner.

I can be your prisoner. Luke, you're getting real sweaty, but let's take a quick break.

We'll all calm down, have maybe some water and

50 more eggs.

He's kicking them into his mouth.

We'll be right back and we'll try and resolve this.

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Okay, Usador, um,

I went and grabbed Twila, the vampire, and I put her in a booth with Luke. And we're going to see, we're going to have Luke try and, you know, go on a date and not sort of muck it up.
So let's

hey,

you know,

you look really,

yeah, you look nice tonight.

Thank you.

Yeah, I got to put my cards on the table. You know, I know those fellers did me a service probably talking me up to you and everything, so you agreed to go on a date with me.

I got both my hands in my pocket, and they need to stay in my pocket for the entire date.

Okay, that's helpful for me. I'm a

vampire.

Seems like it makes it more difficult for you to defend yourself.

Well,

uh,

this was nice. I guess I do better be going now.
I guess I gotta be uh heading out the old dusty road, dusty trail. No, no, no, not so fast.

Do I have to kill you or turn you? And I don't. If you're worried about your neck, I don't have to suck your neck.

I could suck. Hello.
Oh.

Don't say hand. Don't say hand.
Don't say hand.

Shoulder. Now that.

That sounds appealing. Now, wait, wait, now, hold on.
Now, you did mention turning me.

That would be turning me into a vampire, to an undead?

I'm a little picky, but I could turn you into a vampire. Is that appealing to you? That may actually be a solution to a couple of my problems that I've been kind of putting off for a long time.

Can I ask you a couple of questions about vampires? Sure, yeah.

You just drink blood, right? You do not have to eat or drink, and in fact, you cannot eat or drink? I cannot eat regular food. I cannot eat anything except for blood.
It is just blood.

That solves one problem completely. So

I'll just mark that as left-hand problem solved.

And then the other thing is an undead. Now that's different from a dead, right? Yes, it's very different.
It's undead. So a creature who is interested.
I'm beyond death. I'm beyond the reach of death.

Oh, beyond the reach of death. Ding, ding, ding.
That sounds like it solves the right-hand problem. Actually, yeah, you know what?

If you want to get to sucking or

suck wherever you need to suck and kind of turn old Luke into a vampire, I think that I think that sounds nice. All right, let me just move your hair out of the way.

Arnie, sit down. You gotta see this.

We let a vampire loose on Luke. We're gonna see what happens.
Wow, she's

sucking the life force out of him. Is he gonna be okay? Sean, is that okay? Is he is that what he wanted? It seems like he's enjoying it.
Oh, also, Arnie, you missed somebody say, suck your shoulder.

Oh,

I mean, have you tried it though?

No,

Just don't judge too quickly.

Oh, I'm almost done, but one thing, you don't by any chance, because this would be very bad, you don't by any chance have a ghoul for a hand, do you?

Oh

boy, uh, just a ghoul

100% playing just a ghoul for a hand? Because no.

Okay, that's not. I was going to say, because, you know, the turning process sometimes can be complex.
And it's so rare.

Well, it's one in a million. but sure.
If you turn someone with a ghoul for a hand

that sort of super ghouls them,

you sador. Yes, what one in a million still seems high, right?

Yeah, I ain't go for it. Super ghoul.

That's not a term I'm super familiar with.

It just sort of the ghoul for the hand would become a super ghoul. Yeah, super ghoul.
And so any problems that would come from the ghoul would be made super side. Like, not side.

No, yeah,

become stronger. I'm getting it.
I'm getting kind of clear. You know what? This was really nice.
I thank you for your time. I'm going to talk to my friends over here for a moment.

It was really nice meeting you. I'm very lightheaded.
I'm probably going to fall down a couple times on my way back over.

You did quite a number on me, but hey, you're very good. And I would tip you, but I have to keep both my hands in my pockets.

Also, something smells like shit. Yes, my other hand.
I kind of shit-covered hand. That was helpful.

Thank you, Twilight. Thank you.

Get some blood on the way out.

Lou, gotta go, Lou. How to go.
How to go? It went wonderful.

Let me feed you a cookie and some juice. You can keep your hands in your pockets.
No, no, no. He can't keep his hand in his pocket.

Because now,

I'm loose, baby. Wait, super ghoul style.
What? What the fuck? What happened? What? What?

She didn't kind of explain. I didn't do a good job of explaining.
I was trying to hide the ghoul part. And she sucked my blood.
She turned me undead.

And she kind of turned my ghoul into a super ghoul.

Oh,

what is that?

What does that mean? What does that mean?

Shakes pony, dog, and donkey off of hand. Yeah, oh, that means I'm untethered.
In fact, I don't even need this guy anymore.

Whoa,

oh boy. Oh, look at that now.
That ghoul just kind of popped right off my hand. Oh,

you okay? Yeah, I guess so. I was expecting it to bleed, but I don't know why.
Well, if you're undead now, maybe it's gonna grow back, or who knows? Oh, I could be fully undead, huh?

Maybe. I don't know.

How do I test that?

Ghoul, you want to eat me?

Oh, yeah, that's a good sign.

You got nothing I want in there.

Super ghoul. Ah, now you face Usidol the Wizard, the greatest blue wizard in all of Foon.

Okay.

Oh, you slew in his mouth. You blew in use of his mouth.

Okay, what is going on in that guy? There's nothing in there that I want.

There's nothing in here that you want. Well, there's nothing in there that I want either.
For I am here to defeat evil in all its forms, and I shall strike you down on this day.

I'm going to the bedroom. Yes.

Oh, oh, oh,

guys, guys, I'm getting. I'm getting sucked from the inside.

It feels weird. I bet.

Chuck, yeah.

Two teaspoons of clove.

Two teaspoons of clove. Nah, no.

There's nothing in there I wanted either. Whoa.

You guys have like a lot of, I want to say, like

history going on in there. Yeah, a lot of...
Yeah, you can't suck cannon, buddy.

What?

There's so many non-specific reasons why I'm not really interested in what you've going on and you.

Do I go for the third time?

I'll be honest with you. You can try.
It's not going to be any better with me. Also, all week I've been eating a lot of extreme creams.
So

that could be. You've had some mustachios, extreme creams? I don't know.
I just like the song gets stuck in your head. It's so insidious.

The song gets stuck in your head, and then you just find yourself thinking about it. It's radical.
Incredible.

And then when you go up to the bar to order something, you're like, fuck it, maybe I should get an extreme cream. And then before you know it, you're having like five extreme creams a day.

Arnie, did I tell you? Evil ghoul, I'm here to strike you down this day. Hey, hey, hey, why don't we lower the temperature, everybody? I mean, look, we all got what we wanted.

I mean, the ghoul's gone.

The donkey and the pony and the dog, and they're all gone. I mean, I can go about my way.
I don't need to steal corpses from funeral parties or blood drives anymore.

I mean, this is a win for everybody.

Okay. Well, right.
It is a party for monsters, so I guess a ghoul isn't totally out of place here. I was going to say, you're not killing any, you know, vampires.
They seem pretty evil.

Well, they're vampires that are down on their luck. Once they're back up on their luck, watch out.

Okay, well, you know, I mean, I just got

super ghoul status. Okay, I'm pretty much down on my luck.
I mean, geez, let a guy live for like a minute. Fine, fine.
Fine, Super Ghoul. You can live.
Okay, cool. Let's party, man.
Let's hang out.

Did you say okay, ghoul?

I like this guy. I don't like what's going on inside of you or what I'm sucking out of you, but I like this guy.

Okay. Ghoul, do you eat things other than the corpse's essence? No, I do not.
Hey, let's hit a graveyard up, huh? That's fun. After party, let's hit a graveyard up.

What a gobble. Gobble ghoul.
Thank you.

I got nothing going on. I think you're too obsessed with food.
I mean, I got nothing going on. I'd go to a graveyard.
Sounds like

some kind of fun. Why not? Oh, yeah.

Luke and Ghoul, are you two going to stay in touch? I mean, I'm not doing nothing, and you want to hang out or whatever. I mean, I'm undead now, so it's like, you don't want to eat me.

I don't want to eat you. You know, maybe for the first time in our relationship,

hell, there's nothing preventing us from getting along. Huh.

Suck my ass, dird. I'm going to hell.

knew that

i knew i should have smited him while i had the chance he went to hell he escaped he escaped right to hell damn i think the worst part was the noise he made when he went it was pretty bad sort of like a

is that vampire still here now she took off okay well

so luke do you got anything weird going on about your feet or i mean

i use them to wipe you want some

luke

yeah i'm not a good guy i seem like a

You seem like a nasty guy.

Honestly, the ghoul hand was maybe the one thing I had going for me. It's true.

We're letting monsters of all sorts be in here, but

I feel like if we let you stay, it's kind of a health code violation. Yeah, I gotta go.
You might need to leave. For sure.
Yeah, can I take food for the road?

Or can I, is that gonna, is that a problem? You can take as much food as you want, as long as you also take some soap.

Okay, yeah, no, I'll take some food and some soap.

Don't try to eat the soap. Just

wash your hand with it. Wash my hand with the soap? Yeah, I can do that now because I have the one hand now.
So, yeah. I'll take some food.
I'll take this guy. This dead guy.

Nobody seems to be wanting him anymore. So I'll...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why do you still want a dead guy?

You don't have the gold to suck the essence. Yeah, you're right.
You are right. What am I thinking? Of course I don't need this guy.
Yeah, so I'll just get out of here here. I'll take this dead guy.

No, no, no. What is he doing with these bodies? Oh, for sure, for sure, for sure.
Yeah, you're right, because I don't have the ghoul on my hand anymore. So, okay.

Well, you gentlemen, have a good night. You have a nice day.
I'm still pulling on it. I'm still pulling on this dead guy.
What were you in prison for?

Huh? What was I in prison for? Same thing the ghoul was in prison for. We got caught doing the same thing in the graveyard.

Sucking day.

Get the fuck out of here. Hey, get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.

Fuck. We are gross purveyor.

The fuck.

So, User, how's this Trent for Blue October been treating you? Oh, I got everything I needed. Oh.

Tiny mule, tiny dog,

of course. I'm going to scoop those up for sure.

Joy the party, guys. Thank you.

Oh, the one does talk.

Well, now that I have so much

plasma, blue plasma, I'm going to go and concoct a new spell, a spell that will keep us safe from ghouls.

Because now I'm really worried that a ghoul army is going to rise up from hell to get their revenge on us.

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.

I mean, we made a super ghoul and sent it to hell. Yeah.

And it knows who we are. So that was

maybe one of the worst things we've ever done.

Yeah.

But you know what, Chunt? I'm proud of you. You've done a lot of good for a lot of terrible, horrible, bad monsters.
Thank you. Thank you, Arnie.
Oh, shit.

Look, look in the corner.

I don't even know what I'm looking at.

Was it Da Vinci who said artist never finished, only abandoned? He forgot to add what a relief that could be sometimes. User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adel Ruffai. Ghoul Hand Luke was played by special guest John Patrick Cohen.
See JPC Live in World News Tonight, Saturdays at 7.30 at IO Chicago.

And check out his podcasts, Hey Riddle Riddle and Gum Shoes and Dragons, both available wherever you get your podcasts.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. In fact, the most recent bonus episode was the 100th Patreon episode.

Seems like the perfect time to shut it all down. Anyway, to celebrate, Arnie, Chunt, and Usidor look at how the podcast might have started in different worlds.
Here's a clip.

But I am setting up shop here in the weird woods, in the magical, fantastical woods of Taberni.

I'm joined

for the first time, I guess, by Zorvin the Weird.

Sort of a wizard. Hello.

It is I, Zorbin the Weird, the weirdest wizard in all of Tabani.

My voice will only be like this for two or three episodes, and then I'll find it.

And are the woods named after you? Because

it's the weird woods, but also you're Zorbin the Weird? Yeah, these are my woods. These are my wizardy woods.

Zorbin. I'm crazy, man.
You're so weird. And of course, my other co-host,

Snacks the Turtle.

Hey-ho. What'd you call me? Kidding.

I love that. I love that kind of joke.

Uncanny. I didn't like any of that.
To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adel Raffai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.
Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Sage GC. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.
Magic Tavern Theme by Andy Poe.