#368: Swan Dong w/ Josh Gondelman

This is a Head Gum Podcast.

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The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

cabinet of an airplane.

He stabbed them with an ice cream.

And the horse is being riding.

All right, class, everybody, pay attention.

Shuffle in, shuffle in.

Find your seats, find your seats.

Obviously, I am not your regular teacher.

I am not your regular teacher in a disguise.

This is a real mustache.

Find your seats, find your seats.

I've had a lot of people pull the mustache.

So I'm just trying to get ahead of it this time and say, don't pull the mustache.

It's a real mustache.

I'm not your regular teacher.

Okay.

Does anyone know what we were covering in class?

They didn't leave me.

I'm a substitute.

I'm contracted by the school.

Normally, I get like a sheet with what we're supposed to be covering today.

You look a lot like our regular teacher.

And I'm overwhelmed with an urge to pull the mustache, especially since you said not to.

Yeah.

I'm probably going to do it.

What if I pull it and I promise you I'll pull it regular and it's not.

Okay.

Yeah.

I can't trust you.

It's like a magician checking his own deck of cards.

It's also kind of a tactile thing for me.

Okay.

Let's see.

Who's the weakest kid in class?

Let's get the weakest kid in class can pull the mustache one time.

Why are you staring at me the whole time?

You're asking who's the weakest kid?

Yeah.

You look like the smartest kid and the one that would tell the most truth.

Yeah, I got stuck in a um one of those um flotation tanks.

What are those called?

Float sleep deprivation water.

I got stuck in one of those for a couple years.

My whole body, the kid who got tortured can come up and pull my mustache.

He's the only one.

Are you sure you're not our teacher?

Because yesterday you kind of humiliated yourself in front of the whole class, or our teacher did.

And it would make sense.

He did humiliating himself.

How do you know?

I'm just an empathetic person.

I wouldn't wouldn't call anything humiliating.

You don't think there's such a thing as humiliating?

No,

I don't.

I'm not taught by a man that thinks that way.

Okay.

Look, I'm incapable of being humiliated, and to prove that, I will poop my pants here in front of you all.

No, we'll poop it because I don't trust you.

It's like a magician checking his own cards.

Is everything like a magician to you when you're tortured by a magician?

What's going on with this kid?

Well, you clearly didn't hear what the last teacher did because you would know it was an attempt at a magic trick that went terribly wrong.

Would anyone like to check?

Whether you hooked your pants?

No.

Okay, you know what?

We're not doing this.

We're not doing this.

We're just going to watch it.

We're going to watch a movie.

We're just going to watch a movie today in class.

Okay.

I don't have a movie.

Smells terrible in here.

It smells like fake mustache.

Explain a movie to us.

You know what?

We're not going to watch a movie.

Why don't we watch a stand-up special on YouTube?

Is everyone okay with that?

Okay.

I had my heart set on distinguished gentlemen, but okay.

No, we're going to do a stand-up special on YouTube.

Now, does anyone know a good one?

Ooh, positive reinforcement by Josh Gondelman just came out.

No, I like Stavros.

Anyone know any Stavros stuff?

We're going to do that one.

No, this is like a magician doing a card force.

Yeah.

Hey, welcome to Hey, Riddle, Riddle, a podcast about riddles and some improv as well.

And our friend Josh Gondelman is back on the show.

And he's got a brand new stand-up special that is out now.

Thank you so much for having me.

It's such a pleasure to be back with you.

The last time I recorded with you all was one of my favorite, most fun podcast recording experiences ever.

And I saw your live show last year in New York, and that was truly a joy to behold.

It was pretty eerie when you guessed last time for the first time because you fit in with us so quickly.

It felt like you

were born to be on this podcast.

I've always wanted to feel like I had a destiny.

And so this is really soothing to me.

Yeah, good.

Because until that moment, until that podcast recording, I was straight up just like, I don't know, it could be anything.

What if I messed up and should have been an amazing plumber?

You on a different timeline, you are a beloved plumber in Massachusetts.

Everyone's like, oh my God, you got to go to Gondelman.

Oh, God, he's so good.

You got to check out Pipe Down.

I mean, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me.

I'm like tearing up

at the idea that I could be a beloved hometown plumber.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I do like in this fantasy where you're a beloved plumber, you still don't get to leave your hometown.

You don't get to, you don't get to travel, you don't get to see the world.

You can't be a New York City plumber.

I could go on vacation.

Look, yeah, this city, if you can plummet here, you can plummet anywhere.

And I just don't know if I have the goods.

Plummet also sounds like a different word, which means

like falling down falls.

That actually describes my current career.

Josh, also, the last time you were on this, you were a last-minute ad to the 2024 Joco Cruise.

Yes.

Like three days before.

And so we had immediate friendship reinforcement.

You were on the show on like a Monday.

And then by the next Monday, we were on a cruise together.

Truly the best.

And you got to meet my wife Maris and we all got along.

And we have since hung out, the three of us, and gotten lunch.

It is like, truly, this podcast has been nothing but a joy for friendship and creative collaboration in my life.

The when

I think the first time I really talked to you in Maris, I walked up to you guys and I went, what conspiracy theories do you believe in?

Hell yeah.

And then it was two hours of that.

Yep.

And then we also, you and I backstage at the like main stage on the ship, talked a lot about Massachusetts, which is my number one hobby in the world.

And I can't engage in this with everyone,

but my number one hobby in the world is like going somewhere far from Massachusetts and then talking to, finding other people from Massachusetts and talking about Massachusetts.

There is like truly nothing I, that like energizes me more.

And like, I, um,

I met a, like an acquaintance's fiancé like several months ago, and we, we had like, had a totally warm and pleasant relationship.

And then I found out she grew up in the town next to me.

And we were just like, well, I, the weird tunnel vision, the conversation, everyone else in this conversation is blacked out.

We're just going to talk about like roast beef sandwiches.

And like,

it was truly, and I know everyone has that with where they're from, but I think especially I spend a lot of time in, I live in New York, I spend a lot of time visiting LA.

And like, when I'm in LA and meet someone from Massachusetts or like on the road and meet someone from Massachusetts, it's just like, oh, it's on and popping now.

I think, I think if I met someone from Indianapolis, the conversation would be like, cool, kitchen's that way, bathrooms this way,

just you let me know.

I'll catch up with you later.

Oh, it's the best.

It's the best.

It's so fun.

Now, Josh, we typically ask guests what their relationship is with puzzles, riddles, et cetera.

Obviously, you're a second timer on the show, but I feel like I want to say since the last time you were on, I was in New York and we went to, I believe, your first escape room.

Absolutely, we did.

Then that was, I think, because of a conversation we had on the podcast.

Yes, yes.

Podcast, nothing but a boon for friendship and puzzles.

What were your thoughts about the escape room?

I know that was a little bit ago.

And have you done anything since?

I thought you, the whole traveling party that we were with, was so gracious to me in my first escape room because you all were such pros at it.

Were like things that never would have occurred to me because I was,

it was my first time as like clues or activities, you were all locking in on immediately.

So it was like watching like a heist take place

where I'm just like at the bank

and you were like, hey, do you want to spin the wheel on the safe a couple times?

And I was like, ooh.

It's like being in Oceans 11 and realizing that you're Casey Affleck.

Oh, holy crap.

But just in the context of that movie, only that.

I don't want to put that on anybody.

I don't have his other.

I'd actually like to see a scene.

Josh and JPC, you guys are robbing a bank.

And Adel, you're just a bank patron.

And you're like really impressed by them, and you just want to let them know that you think they're doing a good job.

Awesome.

Okay, ghost alarm blackout is live.

We have two minutes.

Everybody, stay down on the floor.

Stay down and nobody gets hurt.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

I'll stay down.

We're not here for your money.

We're here for the bank's money, okay?

Everything's worked out to a T on a timer.

Oh, so, and he's enunciating?

Are you hitting those T's so hard?

Please empty your pockets.

Put your phones beside you on the floor.

We cannot have any outside communication.

Everyone will leave safe and easy two minutes from now if we have compliance.

Holy shit, this is like surgery.

Hey, guys, I'm going to stand up.

Hey, guys, you are.

You're crushing it.

Please don't stand up.

We do have guns.

Yep, of course.

Yep, that makes sense.

Now, just so we know, just so everyone's clear, you're going to get out of here okay if you follow our orders.

But one of you is going to have to hold a live grenade.

We do need one.

Can't be that guy.

Oh, come on.

Too enthusiastic don't trust what he's gonna do it needs to be someone who is properly scared of holding a live grenade and we don't have a lot of time i'm scared of holding a live grenade perfect here uh how are you at catching things when you're nervous terrible okay i'll put it right in your hand no need to no need to take extra chances we always ask that question it's always we always get the same response it's another like one of those like tests where we you know we we're we're compensating for the fact that someone might be a little too comfortable in this situation.

It's like how no one who thinks they should be president should be the president.

I think this guy really wants the whole grenade.

Can I hand it to him?

No.

Yeah, toss it.

I love the spirit of generosity, but I just don't think this is the right idea.

Also, we are losing daylight.

Yeah, we actually have to move a lot faster.

So, in the interest of making everyone know that we're serious, I'm going to have to pistol whip one person in this bank.

Oh,

should I be the one?

I mean, it's just not a deterrent if you're asking for it.

This guy, can I just say, this sucks.

This sucks.

Someone who's enthused should get to do it.

I went to a Blink 1A2 concert last night.

Brag.

They picked.

They're like, we're going to pick somebody to come up on stage and sing.

I had a poster board.

I dressed like the band.

They picked a little kid.

It's not fair.

Come on.

Oh, yeah, you should pick a little kid to hold the grenade.

Ma'am.

No, no.

We'll pick a kid to hit with a gun.

No, hold on.

You're in our heads.

Get out of our heads.

Why are there kids at the bank?

This is a workday.

What do you people all do?

This guy went to a Blank Quentin 2 concert on a Tuesday.

And he's at the bank on a Wednesday morning?

What is your life?

I go town to town, bank to bank, hoping that a robbery occurs.

Oh, okay.

So you know that me and Ghost here are the Blank 182 bandits.

We follow around Blake 182, hoping they deposit their check from the night before, even though a check wouldn't make sense because there's no money in a check.

And they probably don't do their banking late night on the road.

Hey, guys, it's the FBI.

We're here.

We've been here a couple minutes.

Good.

How comfortable are you holding a grenade?

May we pistol with one of you.

Fun.

And we didn't even need a riddle yet.

We didn't even need one.

But we should probably legally get to some riddles here.

Why don't we do some trios?

We've done these before, so I'm going to list three things, and you all are going to tell me what they have in common.

Is one of the members of Blink 182?

Yeah,

well, let's see here: Travis Barker, Mark Hoppis, and the third

Tom DeLong.

Who's the one?

Who's the voice that's like the where are you voice?

And who's the voice that's like

you guys?

I forget which one is Mark and which one is Tom, but it's Mark.

Travis, I think, vocally nondescript.

No offense, Travis.

You've never spoken before.

I think the where are you part is Tom's first.

And I don't think, I honestly think I've seen Blake 182 twice, and I don't think Travis speaks at all.

Mark and Tom have a lot of banter, and Travis is kind of like with his shirt off, like shrugging.

It's pretty interesting.

I did see them live once, and it was at the When We Were Young festival in Vegas.

And I will say they were great, but then Green Day went after them and blew them out of the fucking water.

Green Day was like

15 times better than Blink 182.

They're one of the best live bands I've ever seen.

And I was like, okay, I didn't know about that, Green Day.

The last time I saw Blink 182, Mark had a cold and he was like,

he was hanging in there by a thread.

And they canceled the next night of

their tour.

So I was like, okay, so we saw him at his absolute worst.

Perfect.

It's also, I'm so impressed by the rigor of touring musicians because I tour on such a gentler level than that.

And like, if I felt, if I was sick, I would just be like, I don't want to, but you can't do that.

Like, you know, there's so little room for I don't want to when you're like, I have to be at this football stadium tonight and this football stadium tomorrow night.

And it's like, God, Beyonce is super human and Taylor Swift just for that.

I know like they get to travel more gently than most people travel, but it's like, that schedule is bonkers.

I would be such a brat.

I would need like an IV drip and someone constantly giving me a massage And I'd be

on stage.

My whole family's there.

I need, I would be such a baby about it.

But also, if you told me that Burt Kreischer was always sick, I'd be like, I believe that.

Sure.

That's like his incredible hulk.

Like, that's my secret.

I always have a terrible cold.

I was like, that's why I have my shirt off.

I can't regulate my own temperature.

I'm like a lizard.

I take my shirt off.

I'm going to list three things.

You all have to tell me what they have in common.

So for example,

uh multiplication problems treasure maps and roman numerals they all have an x x they all x always means 10 x's

very good

is there is a celebrity we could have worked in there that famously has a lot of x i get taylor swift right taylor swift has a lot of x's that's a little hack at this point that's sort of a 2012 joke yeah that's right but what she has she has ended i guess it was like a 2012 joke because you have like a five-year-long relationship where you really weren't able to make that joke but then that kind of thing and now she's in another lengthy.

I know it's been a while now.

Yeah.

Who else?

Leonardo DiCaprio?

But his whole thing, his whole thing isn't really X's as much as it is like 20 sexes, you know?

Like, oh, that's fun.

Nice.

No, 26 didn't really work with X.

I'm sorry.

It didn't work.

I think it was a noble effort, and I was delighted by it.

Thank you.

Trust the process.

I would like to see a scene.

The three of you are pirates, and you're trying to read a map, but you're like a little hungover, so you're kind of struggling.

about my parrot

I'd shoot him if it weren't so fucking loud to shoot

parrot we know X marks the spot parrot yeah we know so much grog last night so much grog so much grog I'm gonna have a little bit right now because I think what I need is a little grog of the dog.

A little grog of the dog.

Oh, yeah, pass it over here.

I've gotta care of the grog

myself, but.

Oh, okay, okay.

That's so dark.

I think this is...

this is land.

And this is...

These are trees, I think.

Mm-hmm.

Yarp.

And that's the spot, obviously.

There's a spark, Yarp.

I mean, yar, yar, number one with a bullet.

The spot.

I mean, that's the.

That's the easiest thing to spot, really.

Yarp, but where are the traps we laid?

Oh boy, we

disguised the traps with a secret symbol, and I forget it because my brain is just throbbing.

I want to throw something out.

Um, is it possible we're looking at the map

like on the wrong side of the map?

Because we use such heavy ink, I feel like it's just kind of bleeding through on both sides.

Such heavy ink and rice rice paper.

Maybe it's reversed.

Okay, let me turn it over.

Uh, yar, I shucked some fresh oysters for you.

Did anyone want oysters?

Uh-oh.

I'm gonna yarf.

You're hurting my feelings.

I shuck for these oysters.

What coast are they from?

I don't want to say.

What coast are they from?

West.

Ost Coast Oysters.

I only eat oysters from the Barbary coast.

Scene, scene, scene.

All my favorite oyster places out here,

every time I go and they say where the oysters are from, they're all where I grew up in Massachusetts.

So I'm like, well, then why am I even here?

Yeah.

Docs Berry.

You're like, what am I even doing here?

The oysters.

Just like two fire, some of them too hard.

Like, Providence?

Is that?

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Wood Socket, Rhode Island.

Yes.

Worcester Oysters.

I can't beat it.

Worsta Oyster.

Worsta Oyster.

All right.

We're starting a new company.

Our new dog, my wife and I adopted a new dog in March.

March.

And

she was staying with a foster family in Worcester, Massachusetts.

And I...

cannot whenever anybody brings that up or asks about it i cannot help but say like she's a woosta foster she's a woosta foster she grew up by six flags so you know she's spoiled she goes they bring her to the triple a baseball game she goes to polar field what's the six flags in boston or near boston six flags new england western mass oh

it was okay it had a great superman roller coaster and a great batman roller coaster it was

You know, I don't, I haven't been.

I'm going to be honest with you.

I haven't been to Six Flags New England in a minute.

I can't stand by it.

But I do, my memory memory of it is kids will make up like legends about people dying there in various ways.

Which is New Jersey stolen valor.

Yeah, for sure.

But it's okay.

It's better than the Los Angeles Six Flags.

I can tell you that much.

That place is terrifying.

LA has a six flags?

Yeah, it's like Southern California Six Flags.

It is the worst roller coaster I've ever been on in my life.

I thought it was broken.

And they're like, nope, that's just how it used to be.

It just feels bad.

It just feels bad.

Didn't you at one point have like a year membership to that six flags?

Yeah, the person I was dating got a two-year membership because he was like, I'm basically losing money without it.

You shouldn't be legally allowed to buy a two-year membership to go over an amusement park.

That's like leasing a six flags.

That's insane.

My friend Robert Dean, who's a very funny comedian as well, has a bit where he goes to the cyclone at Coney Island every summer and he

gets the picture picture on the novelty t-shirt.

And then the next year, he wears the previous year's novelty t-shirt.

That's amazing.

It's like the funniest.

He goes by himself.

It's called Cyclone Alone.

It's the funniest thing in the world.

That's a fucking awesome.

So good.

I think that's very funny, but I don't think that I would like, even though it gets progressively smaller, I don't think I would like to see a t-shirt of me like aging.

I'd be like, oh, man, yeah.

Fortunately, right, you mostly see the previous year,

yeah, yeah.

But I agree with you.

I think if it's like magnifying glass, I would be like, uh-oh, the t-shirt of Dorian Gray.

Yeah.

Toys are us.

Okay.

Victoria's Secret, the Kennedy family.

Toys are us, Victoria's Secret, the Kennedy Family.

Tread lightly, everybody.

Scandal?

Places that are frequented by Johns?

No.

That's a great guess.

JPC, you are surprisingly on the right track.

Very much on the right track.

Is there famous, I'm trying to think of like a famous Jeffrey associated, but Jeffrey to the draft.

Yeah, that's the, I mean, that's the one.

That's the one.

It's like Jeff Kennedy?

No, that's.

Victoria's Secret still exists.

It would not surprise me if there was a Jeff Kennedy, but he just was like, oh, yeah, John's a nickname for Jeff.

It's like, because I feel like the Kennedys, excuse me.

The Kennedy nicknames like Jack,

that confuses the fuck out of me.

I'm like, that sounds like it should just be its own name.

And the only one who's the president, basically, Jeff K.

Yeah, Jeff Kay.

You know what is a real, like, if you ever are feeling low confidence, go to the Kennedy Museum.

And in one of the rooms, they have JFK's report cards.

And I want everyone to look at that.

And then you'll be like, you know what?

I could probably be a president.

Because he didn't get good grades.

All the teachers were like, he's talking too much.

Like, he

B's and Cs.

C's.

Wow.

I thought he'd get ah, ah, a la, a, ah.

Toys R Us, Victoria's Secret, the Kennedy family.

What do you think is the most helpful pair?

Crumbling American institutions.

I think Toys R Us is the least helpful.

So Victoria's Secret and Kennedy family is definitely the strongest pair.

And I will say, I'll stress again, JPC was very much on the nose in terms of his guess.

Was John

in the exact right vein?

So it's a name.

Bra Kennedy.

Panties Kennedy.

Kong Kennedy.

Teddy, Kenny.

Teddy, Teddies, Teddies, Teddies, Teddies.

Teddy Kennedy.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

You thought that I was acting crazy, but actually I was on to something.

What size are them teddies?

Teddy Kennedy.

That's how they how they ask for your bra size right yep

my mom walked through the line to see ted kennedy's body twice when he died she stayed in line twice so she you're in line to see ted body's body a second body

you want a ted body

i

uh to ted his name was ted right that's short for

edward yeah okay so it's got these fucking nicknames but he did go by teddy

And then Ted later.

Yeah, and then Ted later.

I just, I'm always interested when a person chooses to drop like the what I, the, the why, you know, part of your name, which is, I associate more with like a childhood.

Like you call like a child Teddy and then they grow up and then they're Ted.

I hate to make a guess, but do you think right after Chapaquitik, he dropped the why?

They're like, you can't, we can't have our lawyer saying Teddy.

You have to rebrand.

You're rebranding today.

You're a grown-up now.

You're a man now, dog.

I do want to see a scene.

Josh,

you are JFK.

Okay.

And Aaron, you are an employee at Victoria's Secret.

And JFK has come in sunglasses, hat,

incognito, to buy lingerie for one of his sort of side pieces.

Hi, welcome to Victoria's Secret.

How can I help you?

Yes, hello.

uh, thank you for asking not what I can do for you, but what you can do for me.

Okay, you're you're wearing a disguise, which actually happens a lot in here, but you're kind of winking.

It's like you want me to recognize you.

No, no, this is a real mustache.

Okay,

you can pull it if you want, or I'll pull it.

Okay, I actually am seeing someone, so.

All right, well, what if I pull it in front of you?

What does that do for you?

Does that do anything for you?

It does something for me.

Yeah, go for it.

He's so charming.

I don't know what it is about him.

He's just got something.

Anyways, can I get you...

Sorry, I'm nervous now.

Can I get you...

No need to be nervous.

Sure, I'm looking for kind of a

bra and panty set.

Okay.

Did anyone ever tell you you sound like Ted from the movie Ted?

Like the bear?

I hear that all the time.

People are like, you could be brothers with Ted.

The bear.

Yeah.

Which I sound nothing like the bear from the bear.

Yeah.

Jeremy Allen White.

Yeah, that's true.

So, yeah, you know what?

I haven't seen the show.

I'm just going to put a bunch of stuff in a bag for you.

Can you put it in slower?

Okay.

Also, I think that your

brothers are also in here.

I'm just pointing at two guys in various disguises.

Yeah, that's them.

I think the pajama pants with the juicy on the butt would be the best outchin.

I

died in the war.

See.

Don't mind me, just talking to the ghost of my brother.

I know he has a bunch of brothers, but

I only knew the one.

The oldest one is the one that the dad was like, you'll be president.

And then he died in the war.

Supposed to be president.

And then I said, and then RFK Sr., right?

Yeah.

Yep.

How does Little Edie figure into the mix?

She's a cousin.

Cousin.

Right?

I don't know who Little Edie is.

Who's Little Edie?

From

the documentary Gray Gardens.

Okay, didn't help me.

She's like a,

there's a, she and her mother lived in a house that like a mansion that was like falling apart.

It's a very famous documentary.

And she's a Kennedy.

I'm looking it up.

I didn't know she was a Kennedy.

First cousin to former first lady Jackie Kennedy.

Yeah.

I feel like Kennedy relations are like, you're like, you'll hear someone's a Kennedy and you're like, how are they a Kennedy?

And they were like, oh, they were like Jackie Onassis' gardener.

And you're like, that's a Kennedy?

I don't know.

For Christmas, they would kind of, it's sort of like knighting someone.

They would

make people honorary Kennedys.

Oh, now a Kennedy.

I think Schwarzenegger's a honorary Kennedy.

Yeah, because for how many Kennedys died, there certainly were a lot of Kennedys.

Like,

I think they really got to it quick.

They overproduced, like, in like uh, farm times, yeah, they like Irish Catholic overproduced in farm times, yeah.

They're producing like uh, the people that are in charge of

Fantastic Four merch, and like they don't, they don't know how it's gonna do yet, but they just want to make sure it's on shelves.

He's like, Yeah, we might be sending these Ben Grimm toys to

we gotta, in case there's the demand.

I do really enjoy the idea of that if J if JFK just would have lived long enough to see Ted or Ted 2, I think that's.

Oh, he would have loved it.

I feel like I saw something recently that was like Salvador Dolly was alive during like the year Short Circuit was put out or something.

The comedian Joe List has a bit about how Picasso lived for six Super Bowls, and I think about it constantly.

Oh, maybe it was Picasso.

It was crazy.

Or it's like the year he died was like the same year that, you know,

Howard the Duck came out or something.

So it's like

the thought experiment of like, technically, he could have seen Howard the Duck.

And wouldn't that be a treat?

I don't like the like want to feel old, this thing happened this long ago, but I'm obsessed with like this person lived in the time of like this person could have had a laptop or whatever.

Yeah.

The fuck the thing about the like the TED thing is that Seth McFarlane was supposed to be driving a motorcade in Dallas.

JBC, this is too late.

No, he was supposed to be.

He's trying to do a joke about how.

I wasn't trying.

First of all,

you were trying because no one got his plane.

He was supposed to be on one of the 9-11 planes.

Yes.

Is that right?

He was supposed to be.

He was supposed to be on one of the 9-11 planes.

I know I keep bringing it up.

According to his will, but everyone just agrees that

he should have been.

I know I keep bringing it up, but for a minute there,

Big Bird was supposed to be on the Challenger.

That's right.

And you think we're on a dark timeline now?

And so many kids watch that like in school.

Yeah, yeah.

They would have watched Big Bird explode in the sky.

Yeah.

I could just picture Big Bird critting his neck down and being like, oh no, I mean fucked.

And I think Elmo was supposed to be on the Titan submersible.

A coming.

It could have been Gonzo.

I don't know.

I don't think Rachel had a chicken on the Titanic.

It's Rachel.

Well, let's take a quick break and we'll Google what other.

Yeah, we'll think of a few more of these yeah we'll be right back

I've done it JBC Aaron I've done it I found a way

for the three of us specifically just the three of us Okay to breathe in space

Does that make sense?

Casey walks away kicking rocks hands and pockets

Sorry, buddy, maybe next time oh boy uh you know what I feel bad.

I feel bad that Casey's not going to be able to breathe in space.

What if we do this?

What if we pull our money and get him in on whatever technology Adel

is going to unveil to us?

What if we just pull our money and buy him a subscription to Rocket Money?

That's more useful, right?

Oh, yeah, Rocket Money.

Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Rocket Money, why didn't I think of that?

And Rocket Money's 5 million members have saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features.

I've been using Rocket Money long before they were a sponsor.

I love it.

It helps me keep track of my spending, and it will send me alerts if there's a big spend.

And then it will also put them in all these really beautiful color-coded categories.

Very satisfying.

Yeah, look, I have Casey's bank information here.

Of course, we all do.

Look what he's paying for.

He's paying for Sleep Monthly magazine?

What is that?

Oh my God, he subscribes to every other Riddle podcast but ours.

Oh my God.

You should sleep daily.

You should not be.

That's way too little sleep.

And also, Rocket Money makes it easy to save for goals, like if you want to save up enough money to breathe in space.

Rocket Money can analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put extra money aside.

And Rocket Money will even try to negotiate lower bills for you.

The app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals.

They'll even talk to customer service so you don't have to.

That's a great deal.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Go to rocketmoney.com/slash riddle today.

That's rocketmoney.com/slash riddle.

Rocketmoney.com/slash riddle.

Casey, good news.

You can't breathe in space.

I don't know how to deliver news.

But we can eat little fish.

$28 for hot editors weekly.

That should be daily too.

I get that one too.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Erin, make eye contact, wink, wink, wink.

No,

well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace for all your goofs and slips and gags.

It's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

Whether you're just starting out, or scaling your business, or hitting yourself hard in the junk with a rail, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in in one place.

And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall.

Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys in like your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics.

JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it.

Analytics because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic, we've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com/slash Riddle for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

JPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-y over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

Jealous much?

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it, and everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting that my experience with the Emperor.

His clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

Uh, no.

Uh, actually, we don't pay with limbs.

We pay with money, but this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, please, touch.

Starting at just $60.

That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right, and their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

I have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like someone's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like, it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know,

your summer clothes.

It's, it's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those riding boots in a minute, and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com/slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle.

Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to walk around.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Mum, yum, yum.

Eats them like Cookie Monster.

And we're back, and we thought of a few more.

Sam the Eagle at Kent State.

What else?

What else?

What else?

What else?

What else?

What else?

And that was it.

That was it.

The wiggles in the library of Alexandria as it was written down.

That couple of words have never been said.

It feels really nice to hit on one of those.

Yeah.

One of those purse charms that everyone's going crazy about.

Labooboos.

Laboo Boo.

Okay, because I couldn't pull, but I was going to say a laboo boo of the Hindenburg.

But

someone, I've been hearing laboo boo, and I like did a cursory Google to see like what is a laboo boo and it was like it's an expensive uh thing to put on your purse.

And I was like, Okay, close tab.

I think I'm good.

I think I'm good on whatever this cultural phenomenon is.

I thought it was a purse.

Um, what so?

What do you mean it's a thing you put on your purse?

Okay, now I thought from my cursory Google, so this is this is a person who googled it and closed it immediately that it was like a little plush animal thing that like a charm, like a purse charm.

Yeah, it's got it's got kind of like a

monster face and a fuzzy little body.

This is, this is everything now.

We were recently in Mall of America, and I was like, oh, I'll get like a stuffed animal,

like something unique to Mall of America that I couldn't get anywhere else.

I'll get something like that for my kid.

And I went to like every toy store, literally in Mall of America, because I walked them all like, you know, complete loops.

And every toy store had the same toys in them, and they were like

amalgamation monster plush things that weren't even that soft.

And I was like, What the fuck is any of this?

Like, it's not even, it didn't even feel like it was IP.

It just felt like it was like, I don't know.

It made me, it made me feel ancient walking around looking at like the new plush toys.

They got to be, you got to have soft ones.

That some of it is functionality.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's like, these are plush, like they should be soft.

Yeah, I agree.

Soft means soft.

Let's do another of the trios here.

The Lincoln assassination.

And I don't mean to make these all Lincoln assassination.

No, the Lincoln assassination.

That's so wild because Bluey was there.

Oh, yeah.

That's so crazy.

The real Bluey was there.

I believe history notes that it was mom, dad, Bluey, and then Cablamo, and Lincoln's brain.

Everything which was supposed to be in Bluey.

Yeah.

John Wilkes Booth said, I want to bluey Abraham Lincoln's head off.

But what he meant.

The Lincoln assassination.

Okay.

Early Superman comics.

And a diner.

All Jewish.

Yeah, that's right.

I like this conspiracy theory.

Yes, Jews killed Winkey.

What?

A diner.

Pancakes.

Lincoln got pancakes.

You know what?

This strategy helped me last time with the teddy thing.

Yeah, I can't criticize it because you really got there.

I do want to see a scene.

JPC, you are Abraham Lincoln.

You've gone into a diner to order pancakes.

And

Josh, you are the waiter who brings them.

And

JPC is Lincoln.

You're trying to kind of, you know, you just gave your big speech.

You just gave your big four score.

And you're trying to sort of maintain some amount of dignity while eating this silly food.

A table or by the bar for one.

Just one.

Oh, perfect.

I'll sit at the bar.

Do you mind if I read a book while I'm sitting here?

Not at all.

You can do whatever you like, suit yourself.

I think I'll try some of these pancakes that I've been hearing about.

Oh, yeah, they're flying off the shelves like hotcakes.

Did you guys hear about Lincoln's new speech?

It's so stupid.

Four score in seven years.

Say 47 years ago.

That's so stupid.

What the fuck is four score?

I think it's like 10 years.

10 years is a score.

Nobody talks like that.

20.

20 years?

See,

no one knows that.

Anyways, I'm going to keep flipping these pancakes.

Some people know.

Some people know.

We need a new president.

That guy is so embarrassing.

He's mostly hat.

I get one.

We'll get one in a couple of years, so no need to be rash with it.

I hate slavery.

I think it's a moral

abomination.

Perfect.

I hate Lincoln even more.

Yeah, me too.

Come on.

He's like, I got a beard.

I got a hat.

That does not a man make.

First of all, I feel like I'm not even in a disguise or anything, right?

Like.

We don't know what he looks like.

That's not television.

She said beard and hat.

Yeah, she's like little cartoons.

A lot of guys wear beard and hats.

Excuse me, are you talking to me, beard and hat?

Oh.

Tug's beard, tip's hat.

Wait, why did that guy get to sit in a booth?

He's

an important person.

So you're pro-booth?

That's your stance?

Oh, no.

I hate booths.

I don't know why.

Never liked them.

Yeah, that's wise.

So, pancakes.

Now, do you want like a

you want some whipped cream on this, some berries?

Oh,

just give me whatever most people get.

Okay.

The pancakes of the common man.

That's what I'll enjoy.

Okay.

This guy's ordering it with real loser energy.

Yeah, real loser energy, my God.

Anyways.

I feel like most people like me.

Am I wrong on that?

Well, I don't know the rest of your life, but in this diner, we could take a census.

Hey, who here in this diner likes this guy with the hat and the beard?

Not the cool guy, the other one.

Booth.

That guy said Booth.

I am Booth.

Fuck you.

Fuck you and your whole fucking family.

I'm in a play later, if anyone wants to come see it.

It's called My American Cousin.

It should be okay.

I'm okay in it.

I'm good, not great.

I bet you better than you say.

You're always doing this.

You're always putting yourself down.

Ah.

The last play you were in, you were tremendous.

Oh, thanks.

Are you sweet are you the cousin

no

no i wish are you at least the american

who is this guy

i'm president hurting my feelings wait you're the president of what there's no way

i mean i guess of america you suck the president sucks it makes sense the part of america that's the good i'm president of the good part of america

All right, here's your check.

Yeah, get out of of here.

Well, hold on.

Before I leave, why doesn't everyone just say what they think the good part of America is?

Because I maybe have gotten a ring on why I'm not liked here.

We're all pointing up the North.

Massachusetts.

Yeah.

Okay, fuck.

Well,

maybe I'll say that.

Again, this is not a political thing.

We just think you've got like a

bad vibe, guy.

Yeah.

Maybe I call up Jefferson Davis and tell him I maybe misplayed this thing a little bit.

Okay.

Call up.

Is that something I can do?

You're just, hey, Jeff, get over here.

Well, JPC, I think he got it.

The Lincoln assassination, early Superman comics, and a diner all have...

Coffee.

Oh, massive holes.

Oh, coffee.

Okay.

You said it in the scene.

Pancakes?

Whipped cream.

I think we all said it?

Booths.

They all had booths.

Booth.

The phone booth.

The Superman.

Oh, the phone booth.

That Clark Kent would change into John Wilkes booth, and of course, a dining booth.

I mean, spoilers for Superman, but I didn't even realize it until this moment.

They didn't have a single fucking phone booth in that movie.

That's why it says early Superman comics.

I think they did away with it.

They phased out the phone booth.

I guess society kind of phased out the phone booth, huh?

Yeah.

Now he's probably got to change in chat GPT.

Yeah, there you go.

Hey, Grock.

Clark can't ask him for the Starbucks bathroom code.

How about the Ruby Slippers, a computer mouse, a mutually attracted couple?

They click.

They all click.

Wow.

Oh, my gosh.

You got that so fast.

Wow.

I'm just glad to be on the board, frankly.

Wow.

Let's do another one here.

A golf course.

Okay.

All in the family.

World War I.

Bunkers?

They all have bunkers.

Oh, my God.

He's making us look like fools, GPS.

No, no, no.

We're doing this together.

He's a history for all of us as well, though, right?

What did World War II had bunkers too, right?

World War III.

It's going to have bunkers for sure.

A center in football.

Okay.

Pants for a baby.

The Adams family theme song.

Snaps.

Yeah.

Snaps.

We all got snaps.

Soft pats on the butt.

Enough room for a diaper.

That's like the football equivalent of leaving room for the Holy Spirit when you're on the dance floor.

Quarterback and sitter always have to leave enough room for a diaper.

A diaper is with the part.

JBC, you're the guy who snaps the ball and you're like yelling what play you're about to do.

And Josh and Addle, you're kind of confused by what he means.

Blue, 42.

Classic.

42 plus 6.

Minus 5.

48.

43.

43.

Brass trombones.

Yep.

Oh, yes, this is.

Okay.

12 rings.

All right.

I think that's.

12 days of Christmas.

12 days of Christmas.

Okay.

Multiply them.

Multiply them.

Minus it from the first equation.

12 days of Christmas.

10 plus 9 plus 8 plus 7 plus 6 plus 5 plus 4 plus 3 plus 2 plus 1.

Keep in mind where your brackets are.

Oh.

The order of operations is killing me.

It's please excuse my dear aunt Sally.

Order of operations.

Everybody shift one to the left.

Foil first outside.

Everybody shift one to the right.

Timeout.

Time out.

Timeout.

Timeout.

Oh, God.

We're burning timeouts, guys.

Sorry, I just, um, I just really got in the weeds there.

Uh, was that a slant or a post?

I don't know.

I wasn't done yet.

I'm reading the other team.

I don't know what it will end up being, okay?

Oh, okay.

We're so confusion in them so we can have certainty in ourselves.

But we have so many, I think we're more confused than they are.

Good.

Use it.

You know,

let that be your guide, right?

Oh.

Okay.

Should I just fucking stop?

Should we go back to having the quarterback call the plays?

No, no, no, no, no.

We like when you do it.

You guys, I really would like another shot at it, though.

Shut up.

Lose our energy.

We will let you get sacked.

Shut up.

Yeah, shut up, Jerry.

Shut up.

I get paid the most.

I get paid the most on the whole team.

We hate when you bring that up.

That doesn't help your case.

What do you think?

You get paid the most?

You should be in charge?

Yeah, I just thought that I was the smartest person.

I'm the center.

I'm the center.

The team revolves around me.

Yeah, it's in the name.

It's in the name.

You guys hurt my feelings every game.

Every single game.

Buy yourself some new feelings with all that money, huh?

You don't like it?

Spike the ball.

Spike the ball at every play in the life.

Okay, then I will.

I'm going to pass you to the ground.

Because I'm so sad.

Hey, guys, hey, guys, hey, guys.

Yeah.

Hey, let's all just fall down and let him get sacked.

We gotta do that.

It's my birthday if anyone even cares.

Nobody fucking cares.

Okay, let's let him get sacked hard.

Maybe they'll replace.

Maybe they'll replace him.

Wait a minute, you're a cancer?

Yeah, of course.

Hard on the outside, soft on the inside.

That makes sense why you're feeling this so tough.

Yeah

Losing.

Oh, no.

See.

Oh, no.

Now you're going to soften.

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

I hope that's what it's like.

It is football.

Yeah.

I hope to God that's what it's like.

Do you think they're ever hurting each other's feelings?

Probably, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

They all have feelings.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think it's more likely in a group of men that they are hurting each other's feelings because I feel like they have

lines that they don't set

in like clear terms.

And then when someone goes over that line, they probably get their feelings hurt.

And are not equipped to talk about it or they're not like encouraged to talk about it, even if they have the individual emotional intelligence.

Oh, yeah.

I bet there's been at least one quarterback who's like thrown the ball and it's about to be intercepted.

And he's like, don't.

I can don't.

Oh, don't.

Come on.

My mom's here.

Don't.

Quit.

That's always so hard, right?

Because it's like with like an artistic performance, everybody's kind of hoping it's good.

When you have to do sports, a lot of people hope it's bad for you.

Yeah.

There's people actively rooting against you.

Yeah.

We were talking about this last night, but the idea of like having a

being good at something, like performing or playing football or something like that, and then having like a mental block, it's like the yips and golf.

Like that is so, that's so wild to just be like, be going from being like, oh, yeah, I'm at the top of my game.

I'm playing, you know, to the top of my skill level to being like, oh, I can't do anything anymore.

What's the thing that happens to gymnasts that is really scary?

Like, someone,

the twist, yeah, she had to sit out of the Olympics because it's like you can't, you don't know where you're at in the air.

It happens to gymnasts sometimes when they get nervous and it's so dangerous.

I want to be 100% honest.

When Josh said the twisties, I was like, Josh, come on.

No, that's real.

No, that's what it's called.

But that's so scary because they're flinging their bodies and you could die if

you decide to keep going during that.

That kind of thing is not the kind of thing that you're like, let's just wing it and see if I land.

And Abdul is right, they should give it a more serious sounding name.

Well, like the thing that when you're a diver and you come up too fast and they call that the bins, I'm also like, come on,

can we give it like a science name or something?

The benefit sounds like when you're hungover and you try to stand up.

That is what the benz.

We got to rename it.

Unbelievable.

Not name it after a Radiohead album, please.

Let's do another trio here.

Okay.

A French restaurant, a beauty salon, the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.

That gets.

Moose and Squirrel.

Moose, Moose, Moose.

They all have.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Okay.

How do you guys feel about Moose?

Not the animal, the dessert.

I think it's pretty good.

I'm pro.

I do want to see a scene.

Aaron and Josh, you are famous cartoon duo, Baguet and Squirrel.

Bijou, bonjou, bonjou.

Hey, squirrel, how are you?

Oh, I'm doing great.

Nice to see you, Baguette.

How are you doing?

Not good.

Someone took a bite out of me this morning.

I am not long for this world.

No, Baguette,

you got plenty to offer.

You're so crusty, I bet they didn't get far into you at all.

You know, I didn't catch the guy that did it, but his teeth felt a lot like squirrel teeth.

You wouldn't have done something like that to an old friend, would you?

What?

No, I would.

I would never nibble an old friend.

And we, we, uh, obviously that duo fell apart because a squirrel took a bite.

So now we see the new duo, JPC, you enter the fray.

And this is five years later, we see Baguette and Costello.

Wow.

See

that took me a second.

I was like, Baguette and Costello.

Okay, yes, yes, okay, yes.

Costello is the one you keep there.

Yep.

I love instead of who's on first, it's who ate me.

Who ate me?

Oh, very good.

I think we keep going with these trios here.

How about

Rocky 1, 2, and 3?

Okay.

Is that the trio?

Rocky.

Rocky Balboa.

Yeah, actually, there's a lot of stuff here.

Rocky.

Polly, Adrian, gloves, rings.

Movies.

Mickey's in all three.

Movies.

Humans.

Earth.

Yeah.

Songs.

Oxygen.

Did someone say Earth?

Tiger Eyes.

Philadelphia.

Yeah, yeah.

But only one.

He's in one of them.

Only one has a robot.

My favorite thing,

is it Rocky 3 where Polly gets a robot for Christmas or his birthday?

I'm going to be honest with you.

I've never seen Rocky 3.

Watch Rocky 3, and there's a really funny little montage where Polly, and Polly's maybe the best part of all the movies, but he gets a robot.

And there's like this really weird future.

Like at the time, it probably came out in like 87 or something.

And at the time, robots were not what they are now.

Is there any way that's Rocky 4?

It could be 4, it could be 4, it could be 4 with, yes, yes, yes, with Drago.

But, but there's this moment where the robot goes, Happy birthday, Polly, and then there's like futuristic music playing.

It's really weird.

Yeah, it's good, though.

Yeah, it's good.

It is good.

Force the best one.

Uh, Rocky 1, 2, and 3, the U.S.

Space Program, Greek mythology.

Rocky 1, 2, and 3.

They all have Sputnik.

Oh,

they all have.

It's all Sputnik, but it's something else.

Rocky 12 and 3, the U.S.

Space Program, Greek Mythology.

Russian antagonists.

What's the name of the robot that went into space?

Who's on Mars?

Oh,

Rs, Discovery?

Challenger.

They all have a Challenger.

No.

Yeah, Rocky 1, 2, 3.

Yeah.

And what was it?

Antiquity Greek.

What is it?

Greek mythology.

Greek mythology.

U.S.

Space Program, Rocky 1, 2, and 3.

And I will say in Rocky 1, 2, and 3, this is one of the top three or four things in Rocky 1, 2, and 3.

Oh.

Complicated.

Belts.

They have belts.

They have belts.

No.

Fuck.

Steps.

It's got to be some

Greek name or something like that.

Like a god's name, like Aries or Kronos.

Oh, Apollo.

They all have Apollo.

I do want to see a scene.

Goodness, Josh.

Good.

No, you got all the way there.

Josh is crushing this.

I'd want to see.

I wish they let you win a race when you get like a half mile away from the finish.

That guy's going to win.

I got to start the race there.

That would be even better.

Like, hey, everybody, we're doing races by handicap.

Some people are going to have different starting lines than everyone else.

I do want to see a scene.

The three of you are Greek gods.

And based off one of JPC's guesses at the answer, this is

the Greek gods inventing belts.

Now we are here atop Mount Olympus

to discuss one of the most pressing problems facing all the gods.

The big, shapeless gowns we wear just don't show off our powerful physiques.

Zeus, when your gown fell yesterday and we were all laughing, it was more of like a nervous laughter, right, guys?

Like, we weren't laughing at you.

It was like a with you thing.

Laughter.

I just, you know, I'm, you know, that I want to accentuate the shapeliness of my butt cheeks and that it exists, but I have a pretty flat pancake ass.

And I want to dig into this.

I'm like ready to dig into this.

Before we start, does anyone want a little wine and maybe...

Quick suck and fuck.

Not that we can't.

Yeah,

for sure.

Is it worth it?

All right.

Where did I put my harpoon?

Oh, actually, sorry.

Hey, hey, hey, gods.

Hey, gods.

I don't want a quick suck and fuck, but holds up a cigarette.

If I could get a quick light,

if Prometheus could just get a quick light.

Thank you for announcing your name, Prometheus.

Thunder, lightning.

Classic Zeus stuff.

You didn't say what kind of light you wanted, so Zeus made lightning.

Oh, you killed Prometheus.

You fucking smoked his ass.

Burnt him to a crisp.

Damn.

When are we going to get back to what's important?

My ass.

Okay.

Accentuate it, suck it, or fuck it.

And I'm just saying that you don't need to invent anything just because your pants basically fell down in front of everyone yesterday, is all I'm saying.

Why would I.

It's just going to keep happening.

You're going to keep laughing.

No, no, no, no, no.

And I know, like, I'm God.

I'm going to lose the respect of the mortals.

No, guys, right?

Nod with me.

No, he's not.

He's Zeus.

He's like the big one.

I'm going to turn into a swan.

Nobody's going to want to ask my swan D.

Don't say big one.

We all saw what Zeus was working with.

I mean, yeah.

Have you been calling me Swan Dick behind my back?

You guys, nobody answer that.

Somebody answer that.

See?

Somebody answer that.

Oh, Swan Dick over here.

You mean Zeus?

Yeah, Swan Dick.

Zeus half transformation being like, oh no, just the dick.

Just the dick.

I get Swan Dick again.

Oh, I'll never live this down.

Now I just get to go there.

I'm going to look like a guy just fucking a bird.

Swan dong

instead of swan song.

Let's do one here.

Zeus is my swan dong.

Okay, that's something that has legs.

That would have got Hillary elected.

My cork root, my corkscrew shape, dunk.

A bowling ball.

A bowling ball, standard notebook paper, a pierced nose.

Three holes?

They all have three holes.

I'll tell you what, that would have got Hillary elected.

Christ.

For the next part of the case.

I'm answering that from now on forever, for everything.

Let's have the two candidates go back and forth and say how many holes they have.

How many holes they'd be willing to have when there takes all

naked swimmers,

tobacco chewers, Ursa Minor, a dip?

Yes.

Great skinny dipping, big dipper.

Yeah, dipper.

Little dipper.

Yeah.

They're all dippers.

Dippers.

They're all dippers.

Very nice job.

That's really nice.

Old Cadillacs, Helsinki,

and a shark.

Fins?

They all have fins.

Wow.

Old Cadillacs have fins.

Can someone explain that one?

On the kind of.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kind of like a spoiler, but

like,

yeah, sure.

If I don't get it with my first thought, though, I'm never getting that.

I'm just like,

I get like a

brain is a musket.

One thing in it.

Four minutes to Give me another five minutes.

Uh, my brain is a musket.

Sounds like a inner pole song.

Santa Claus, an all-pro defensive lineman,

and a potato farmer.

Sack, sack, they all have sacks.

God, you gotta imagine Santa Claus would go all-pro, yeah,

yeah, he's everywhere.

You can't block him.

Uh, let's do one more.

I love that.

I love that.

Aaron, do you love that?

I do love that.

I'm ready.

Good.

Okay.

And Josh, you

love?

Love that.

Perfect.

Okay.

Just want to make sure.

This is our last one.

A model for rings.

A surgeon, all-state insurance.

A model for rings.

A surgeon.

All-state insurance.

They all have jingles.

All right.

What's a surgeon's jingle?

Cut you open.

I was going to say, cut your life.

Cut you open.

Cut your life into pieces.

This is my first work.

That's what I do at work.

That's what I do at work.

There is a surgeon that sings that every time.

I do want to see a scene.

New metal surgeon.

The three of you are surgeons.

This is your first time doing an operation as a trio.

And Josh is sort of a sort of maybe goth or heavy metal surgeon.

Congratulations, everybody.

We are about to embark on the first ever head transplant in the world.

Only the finest surgeons are here.

And we'll let our neurosurgeon do the first cut whenever you're ready.

Oh, and just before we begin, I have to double check the race of the donor and the race of the recipient.

Yes, this is fine.

This will will not raise any red flags.

Good to double check, though.

Thank you.

You want those heads to match.

Yeah.

Well, this, thank you so much for

having me here as part of this team.

Honored to have you.

I gotta tell you, I'm a little rusty.

It's been a while since I've done a brain surgery.

And...

Oh, haha.

Should we be joking today?

He's an expert.

He's an expert.

I'm being in front of him.

Oh, yes, so of course, yes.

Okay, sorry.

I thought you were.

Very funny.

We loved that.

We loved that joke.

And we're here for you as you kind of work.

You know, you're a magic.

All right.

I guess

make an incision.

Starting there.

Yeah.

Starting on the neck.

God.

That.

Cut my guy into pieces.

Then swim a new outline.

Oh, and I don't know if

you're not.

Sorry, I love that you're doing sort of air guitar and air guitar.

Sure, yeah.

And I love that.

Everyone's dosing.

Hold on, let me take up.

Getting my headphones.

Okay, yeah, what was that?

Sorry.

So we can do music in the room as well, because he's under.

So if you, if there's.

Yeah, you just tell the shit.

I'm not under.

I'm not under.

I didn't know when the good time to say that was.

I'm not under.

Someone forgot.

I'm not under.

Guy, we're like three quarters of the width of your neck.

I know, I know.

I'm not under.

I'm not under.

At this point, it would be more trouble than it's worth.

You did so well with the neck cut, I think you can take it.

We'll just go the rest of the way.

We'll just go the rest of the way.

Is this the donor or the recipient?

I'm really losing track.

Damn, maybe we should have made them different races.

They are too hard to cut.

I'm so sorry.

I like.

I just

stupid.

But I was like, wait, is the person talking the one whose head I'm cutting off

or the one who I'm putting it on?

You gotta know.

The person's head being like, Am I,

what's wrong with me that we're getting a new please?

It was a successful head transplant.

You get to the end of the procedure and you're like, oh no.

We cut his head off and stitched it right back on.

Oh, my God.

Successfully, though.

Well, Josh,

not only do you do surgeries, but you also do stand-up.

Where can we find your new stand-up special?

What else you got going on?

My new stand-up special, thank you for asking, is called Positive Reinforcement.

It's on YouTube currently on Blood Medicine's YouTube channel.

But if you search Positive Reinforcement, Josh Gondelman, you'll find it.

It's also, there's an audio, there's an album wherever you listen to things that has like a little bonus material that didn't quite fit into the special, but is really fun on the album.

I write a newsletter every week called That's Marvelous.

It's full of like jokes and pep talks and has all my tour dates in it.

It's

at, it's, excuse me, I just got a website for it.

It's that's www.that's marvelousnewsletter.com.

I'm at Josh Gondelman on Instagram,

Blue Sky, TikTok, Threads now.

And what else?

My wife has a book out.

That's fun.

I have alluded to that pretty.

Yeah, Maris Greisemann.

It's called I Want to Burn This Place Down.

It's a really wonderful essay collection.

I'm trying to think if there's anything.

I'm on tour.

I'm going to the Catskills in Minneapolis and

Maine and Toronto, August 1st and 2nd.

If this is out, then I think is a good one.

I think it comes out right after.

Oh, that's okay.

No problem at all.

I'm going to Philadelphia in late August and then Minneapolis in the fall and more tour dates to come.

JoshGondelman.com.

Sorry.

A lot of plugs.

Too many plugs.

Hell yeah.

And mention all the podcasts you've done recently.

It's only this one.

Yeah.

I'm not coming on here to talk about those other folks.

Highly, highly recommend positive reinforcement on YouTube.

It's at the Bell House, which is one of our favorite venues.

It's just a fantastic standpoint.

Yeah, we'll be there later this year in November.

It's a fantastic venue.

The best.

It's so fun.

I think it looks really nice.

It's very friendly and pleasant.

So if you're a person who like stays away from stand-up because it's a lot of like, this fucking guy's shirt, it's like very little about that fucking guy's shirt.

I kind of have a different take on his shirt.

i think you would really like it

yeah and he josh you get to your shirt and your stand-up special early on you touch on it briefly and then it's over so yeah

um aaron anything to plug up remote no just check out josh gondoman stuff i'm a huge fan and also worth noting

i've been in comedy a long time josh you've got to be probably the nicest person i've ever met That's true who does comedy.

I'm not kidding.

No, that's very sweet.

And there's a lot of very nice people in it.

You guys,

he's the nicest.

Thank you.

And Adel and JPC, also very, well, Adel, very nice, incredibly kind, nice.

JPC.

Thank you.

I'd rather be kind than nice, and I'm neither.

Adeline unkind.

I am deeply unkind.

Deeply.

Yes, check out

Hayrid Riddle on tour.

We have some upcoming dates.

You can check those out at heyridoriddle.com/slash live.

Also, Hello From the Magic Tavern is on tour.

Check out our dates as well.

I want to say hellofromethemagictavern.com slash live, hopefully.

Sure.

I forget all the websites, but check those out.

JPC, anything to plug promote?

If you're listening to this on the day that it comes out, you can still buy our LA live stream.

Just go to our website or the Dynasty Typewriter website.

It's available for two weeks after our show.

And our show was last weekend.

So check that out.

And hey, you know what?

I'll read a review.

I haven't haven't read a review in a while.

If you want to get a review featured on the show, just leave a five-star review anywhere.

You leave reviews.

This one's called A Descent into Beautiful Madness by H.

Swanson Smith.

A friend introduced me to the show in March.

I spent two months unable to listen to anything else.

My brain turned to mush.

I confused people around me by laughing at jokes they couldn't hear.

For several weeks, I made the show.

My shout out to the four people watching my Twitch stream.

I made the mistake of listening in the car with my toddler, which led him to repeating many words.

I know it's not a show for kids.

I cannot always be a perfect mother.

I'm not a perfect mother.

That was last scene.

That was last seen.

This show might mildly ruin your life.

I can't recommend it highly enough.

Thank you so much, H.

Swanson Smith.

I think you're doing a great job.

Give yourself some grace.

I love it.

I'm at horrified

for the very first time.

Something there.

Something there.

Aaron, take like a late 90s, early 2000s alt song and turn it into into Jupiter.

Maybe like an incubus song.

We'll wait.

I'm trying to think of any other song.

We can't do it.

Jupiter, I'm panicking.

Rip court.

Created by Adel Raffai.

Starring Aaron Keenan

and John Patrick Cohen.

Casey Tony did the editing.

Marie Pierre did the music.

Logo created by Emily Cardamis and

Hey there, MGMs and grands.

If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon.

Adult, Aaron, and JPC bring you a Vegas heist.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a hit gun podcast.

Quick, time to choose a meal deal with McValue.

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