#365: BeaverPeltFinder.com

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The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an ice cream.

And of course, the name crying.

Must keep your hatred original.

Okay, Aaron.

I'm going to say a word, and you respond with whatever word comes to mind.

Candy.

Candy.

Book.

Book.

Sharp.

Sharp.

Okay.

JPC.

I'm going to say some words.

I want you to respond.

I'm going to save you time, man.

It's going to be beaver pelt.

I'm going to save you time.

I'm going to save us all a lot of money.

It's going to be beaver pelt.

Okay.

Because that's all I think about nowadays.

And the results are in.

Aaron, you are a INFP.

JPC, you are a

LOL 420.

abomination.

BFF lilas.

Interesting.

Wow.

I think this thing really works.

JPC, I gotta know your personality breakdown.

Do you know if you're

Myers breaks?

50% Beaver, 50% Pelt.

There's a sale on Beaver Pelts and it's happening in a store near you.

Hi, we're Hey, Riddle Riddle.

We're gonna be a little bit of a bad boy.

Go to Beaver Pelt.

BeaverFunder.com.

Don't go.

Wait, hold on.

Don't go there.

Go to Beaver Peltfunder.com.

Put in your zip code.

Do not go in your address and your cat's birthday.

Is that the Bucky's theme song?

Uh-huh.

I think we got to give you personality quizzes.

I want to know your IQ.

Didn't we do this?

Didn't we do this on a

phone it in?

We did some Patreons, I think, where it was.

Which text in the city are you?

Which

friends customize you?

Which text in the city are you?

I'm the reboot.

Yeah, of course.

I'm an N-O-Y-F-B, I believe.

What was it?

N-O-Y-S-B?

And

no, you fucking none of your fucking business, Darren.

Fucking business.

None of your fucking business.

I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

I know your wife.

I have your wife's phone number.

Need I remind you?

How do you know that?

Well, I guess Beverly Shoobadoo.

Shoobadoo, Shoobadoo.

BeaverPeltfighter.com.

No.

Adult.

Yes.

We're still in person.

I know.

I know.

Can you believe it?

We're still having fun.

But it's weird.

We're still having fun.

We harmonized.

Did we?

I don't know.

I'm in the works to sell beaverpeltfinder.com to Zillow so that you can find beaver pelts while you're finding a home as well.

Smart.

I don't.

I think I would double check to see if my home was on there so I know not to buy that home.

But I think that's the only thing I would use for.

your website for.

If you ever have clicked accept when a software updates, your home is on beaverpel finder come on yes

no i bought all the data for one dollar ah i went to one dollar data.com i typed in beaverpel finder.com into one data dollar data.com to buy the beaver pelt finder website and now i'm using

aaron um yeah you've been in la for a few years jpc has gone what i call url crazy

you're buying all urls he he started a business called GoMommy.

Can that be

like a play on Girl Crazy?

Like I've gone URL crazy.

Like Girl Menace the G crazy.

Like instead of TRL crazy.

Or like boys went crazy for Carson Daly.

They loved Carson Daly and they still do.

Do they?

They grew up.

Now it's women who love Carson Daly.

WWCD.

It's time to put aside childish things.

I'm a woman and I love Carson Daly.

Anyway, since we're in person, you'll be able to hear when I slap JPC right across the face.

Ooh.

It won't just be a sound effect that Casey adds in post.

It will not be a sound effect that Casey adds in post.

It'll be a real slap.

And it'll sound distinctly different from when I slap a brand new beaver pelt

on the table.

If I find out that you're being sponsored by big beaver pelts, I'm going to freak.

No, these are not big beaver pelts.

These are modest-sized beaver pelts.

They're modest-sized gentlemen.

Are you sick of being advertised beaver pelts that don't even fit because they're too big because they've come from big dead beavers?

I know a fact about beavers.

Interesting.

I know a fact about their teeth.

Oh, their teeth grow 25 feet in a lifetime.

But since they're constantly chewing on

that make their teeth go down, damn.

There's one that doesn't chew anything, but he doesn't want to come out.

No, but he also, everyone's always like that smile.

Wow, wow, wow.

He's like, he's on stilts.

He's always holding open a big book in front of his face.

And they're like, no, come on.

Hollywood, do you have this beaver's number?

number yeah wow that's crazy that's a lot of isn't that crazy um i know a factoid which is that beaver i want to say anal glands yeah are used in a lot of flavor

yeah a lot of a lot of like beverage flavoring comes from beaver anus don't fuck with me i'm gullible

well he's not wrong he's not wrong about that it's it's it's like um that flavor of gatorade i believe yeah that flavor of gatorade has beaver anus you want to see me throw out blood this is your apartment you need to clean up blood all over your apartment, idiot.

If you look at the ingredients on something and it says like natural flavors, like derived from natural flavors, beaver anus

is one of those natural flavors.

And this harkens back to Lewis and Clark.

So when Lewis and Clark were on their sort of expedition exploring the Louisiana Purchase, one of them accidentally tongued a beaver's asshole and they were like, oh my God.

Imagine being the first guy who's like, hell of an aftertaste, but

those lines forming, if we could solve the aftertaste.

Hurry up, we're all doing our turns.

There's something to it.

Water, sugar, citric acid, salt, calcium lactate, natural flavor.

Yeah.

Aaron, read that again.

But as

Vincent D'Onofrio for Men in Black.

Oh, I don't know how to do that.

Water.

Water.

Sugar.

Oh, there you go.

I'm scared.

Can you be

the guy that tastes a beaver's asshole and it's like, tastes like the first one.

Yeah, I mean, it tastes like vanilla.

And he's like, whoa, everybody, you got to try beaver asshole.

And people are like, no way.

And he's like, try it, try it, try it.

And then they do try it.

And they're like, it tastes like an asshole.

And he's like, huh?

And he looks at the beaver he tasted and he's like, sees it like munching on a vanilla root.

And he's like, nah.

You tricked me.

You're a beaver smoking a cigarette.

Yeah.

Ah,

well.

I thought cum tasted like pineapple.

Okay.

It tastes like schnazberg.

The second we get back in person, we get fucking disgusting is what I'm learning now.

Yes, at all.

Previously, you mentioned you were going to slap JPC, and I need to warn you.

Again, you've been in an I'll get all the diseases.

You're going to get all the diseases.

Trust me.

And also, he's sort of like a shadow of Colossus, where you slap him and you're like, that didn't do anything.

And you slap him again, that didn't do anything.

You backhand him.

You're like, something's going on.

You have to find his weakness.

You have to kind of poke and what's your Achilles heel?

Oh, you mean like slap?

I thought we were talking about slapping me,

which is subtle-looking ass play.

Yeah, exactly like that.

Subtle slash fever.

Subtle lick.

What's your Achilles heel, JPC?

How can we hurt you?

I guess you could kill my family.

Wait, this might be evidence in courtroom.

Also, this feels like a trick.

This feels like

we set him free.

Yeah.

Where he's like, oh, don't kill my family.

Well, I just got one to-do list today, and it's killed my family.

This is Huck Finn with the paint.

And then

someone does that, and he's like, I'm free.

And he does the thing where he jumps in the air and kicks his heels together.

That's so fucking funny.

Yeah, I know.

Next town.

You know, people deal with trauma in different ways.

There's got to be a part of me.

I am a silver lining guy, so I think that there probably would be a small part of me where if Aaron did kill my whole family, where I'd be like, well, I kind of now get to do whatever.

Think of all the video games you can play.

Yeah,

and would have to, honestly.

Yeah.

To not think about the other thing.

I'm almost 100% certain you one time said,

I hope my house burns down because then I can just buy all new stuff.

Yeah, it would be nice.

I'm pretty sure you said that once.

Yeah, I'm more sentimental, I would say, about my family than I am about my house.

How much more?

But still, to say, I hope my house burns down.

So I can buy all new stuff.

I have insurance on that.

I have a multilateral thinking problem.

We are Hay Riddle Riddle.

Hey, this is Hay Riddle Riddle.

It's a podcast in two acts.

In the first act, we do 10 minutes of bullshit and then somewhere else.

I'm JPC.

That's Aaron Keith, and that's Apple Shokirifi.

Are you guys happy to see me in person?

I sort of came in and everyone sort of went, hey.

Erin came in.

She said, you just walked on the train.

You said, I stink or I smell gross.

You said,

I smell.

Okay, you smell.

I said, You stink or you smell gross.

Those were maybe not picture-perfect.

Right, no, but I said, I do, but I did stink and I do smell.

And then she immediately went in for a hug.

She said, I stink, and then immediately went in for the hug.

What's that?

It was like a warning.

It's like when you're feeding a child and you go, here comes the airplane.

You don't say, here comes the airplane, and then you don't put a spoon near them.

The spoon is not an airplane.

Spoon is a spoon.

Aaron also

went to give us a hug and said, here comes the airplane.

And then she smashed into my larynx.

Yeah.

Your larynx, not your larynx.

Larynx.

Yeah, which is a small cat.

Yeah.

Bobcat.

Same thing.

Uh-huh.

Aaron, I was thrilled to see you.

Here's the thing.

Was you have to understand.

It is,

we got here at like 9:45 a.m.

I am used to waking up at 9:50 a.m.

Oh, right.

Rolling out of bed, akin to falling, crawling on my hands and knees into my studio and starting

to get up at 8:30 to shower, to put on real clothes.

I'm sorry we did this to you.

I know.

Thank you.

I sent Adela text at about 8.50, and I said, we were trying to be here by 10.

We're going to get coffee and stuff for people.

And I said, pick you up at 9.20.

And part of me was like, you know that scene in Goodwill Hunting when he's like, every day I show up and I hope that you're not.

I was like, I hope he is still sleeping.

But then when he answered and he's like, 9.20 sounds great.

I was like, a little bit disappointed, you know?

Yeah.

Well, one day, in.

One day you'll see me in like Paris at a cafe.

It'll be like the end of the third Batman.

And I'll raise my cup of coffee to you

And you'll be dating.

It'll be 7 a.m.

You're an early riser.

You've changed so much.

Yeah.

Like, yeah, see, I would rather, Adel, you feel familiar than for you to evolve in any sort of way.

I want you to sort of stay the same.

So I find comfort in that.

I don't want you to sort of change in any sort of way.

Of course, I love ya.

Yeah.

I love you.

I love ya.

No, I don't believe that at all, but I do think that's how my sisters feel about me.

They want me to be the same person I was when I was 11.

Oh, that's sad.

Well, they just, they, they just assume but for you aaron 11 was objectively better yeah i was very wise i was aaron three things uh three differences between 11 year old aaron and and nowadays aaron one blonde hair one yeah okay way less confidence now true

and

math i mean you were i knew way more math was it was this before you electrocuted yourself and lost your math that would have been post

never mind that was i think third grade it would have been third or fourth grade i was in the same classroom both those years so i don't know which one it was.

I don't know if we've asked you this.

What's the sound you made when you were electrocuted?

Was it like,

it was like,

it sounds like you got sucked into the outlet.

It's probably nothing.

Sounds like there's another era in the outlet world.

I literally felt a pop, guys, in the left part of my brain.

Oh, like it literally felt like a burst, like right, like literally right here.

I don't know.

I wonder if

you can feel your brain burst.

I didn't think you could.

It's a sensation I have not had before or since.

It felt like a little pop.

It wasn't like right at the top of it.

It was like a little ways in.

Yeah.

And that episode was the first episode that Molly's boyfriend Jimmy listened to.

And he was like, uh-oh.

Did you feel like a trickle, like a gusher got popped in your head or something?

Like, did you feel like?

No, I didn't feel any like, there wasn't, other than feeling a little like, I had a headache and felt a little woozy, there wasn't any sensation post that, but it felt, it literally, that's the only way I can describe it.

I felt it go from my finger all the way up my right arm, like neck, and then pop.

Do you think that your brain is like a boat where like it starts to sink and they're like, flood chambers three, four, and five?

And they were like going over the non-essential chambers and they were like, we can lose math and boyfriend's names.

And then we have like Aaron can't do it.

And she thinks his name is Zorp.

They're like, let's flood serial jingles.

And Aaron's like, no, not serial jingles.

No, please, anything else.

Yeah, I, they, it, whatever it took was the most important part.

Because I really did feel like my brain, it was different after.

No, the most important part, that's subjective, Aaron.

I think that, you know,

you are the Aaron and before us now, so we have kept the most important part.

Yeah, the most important part of you.

Very funny.

Well, here's what's not funny:

we simply must do riddles.

I'm ready.

I love doing riddles.

It's like one of my favorite jobs.

A man appears in hundreds of family photos.

He is not closely related to anyone else in the photo.

I know this.

Almost all the families don't even know his name.

Clippy.

Nevertheless, they still keep the photos in frames and scrapbooks.

He is not hidden hidden in any way, and it is, in fact, the central element of the family.

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling.

Addle this, that's right, it's Billy Holiday.

This man is the Slender Man.

It is using all your photos.

Uh-huh.

Me and the Slender Man.

Yeah.

Armor artist should be.

You're in the Slover camp with the Slender Man.

And the Slender Man.

Yeah, his name's Greg.

Solid Dude.

Back then, he was just Svelte Man, right?

He gets a bad rap because he told three kids to go kill somebody with hammers or whatever, but

he's a solid dude.

Yeah.

He never killed nobody with hammers.

He was at your wedding.

He was at my wedding.

Santa Claus.

Aaron, you're correct.

It's Santa Claus specifically a mall Santa.

Just because we say nobody knows his name.

Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene.

Yeah.

Adel, you are a mall Santa, and JPC is a kid that has been here at least four or five times this season, and you think enough is enough.

Do you remember me?

I remember all boys and girls.

Okay.

What did I ask for last time?

Oh, you.

What do you think you asked for last time?

Probably a G.I.

Joe.

I know what I asked for last time.

And I know the closet where my parents keep the presents, and it's not there.

Okay.

So I've been body shaming my dad all day to get him to come back to to the mall to buy a new suit.

Hands over to the dad and the dad's looking at his reflection and sort of pulling at his clothes because they all of a sudden feel like they fit wrong.

Because he didn't want to bring me back to do Santa again, but now I am back here.

Ooh, you're an intense little boy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I am.

Okay.

You're the same guy, right?

Santa's always Santa.

You smell like paw malls and old whiskey.

Paul malls?

You think I smoke paw balls?

I don't know what you're thinking.

Your dude's pulling in $350 a day for mall stanting, and you think I smoke paw malls?

$350 a day?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, your tail, the moms?

Do you know how many single moms

want to come sit on Santa's lap?

Pans to a mom, and she's adjusting her clothes, but sort of in like a confident, I can't wait to see him kind of way.

Hey, man,

the next two words out of your mouth better be switch to and then for you, Jeffrey.

So that's five words, okay?

I want to switch to.

Oh, I have two words for you.

Get fucked.

Oh, I'm gonna get fucked.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe I pay Mrs.

Closet visit.

Oh, yeah.

You think we're together?

Well, I don't know.

Do you think I'm with her?

I haven't really learned your mythology.

She doesn't leave the house.

She's a hermit.

How could I hear her?

We haven't slept in the same room in 400 years.

Maybe I go out to the parking lot.

Oh.

Find one of your reindeer.

Oh.

Cook him up and eat him.

You're gonna eat and cook a Toyota Tercel?

Because that's what I came to her on.

You think I have reindeer?

You just told me to make a model of your car, dumbass.

Sold him for me.

Sold the deers for me.

Hold on.

Are you is that a threat?

Yeah, it's a threat.

Is that a threat?

If I don't get hey, Toby, hey, hey, Toby, ho, ho, ho.

Yo, what's up?

Hey, I got a kid threatening me.

He knows to make a model of my car.

You fucked my mom last night, so I guess you're on your own.

Well, that bonds us, right?

I told you.

We were getting a beer.

You're asking about my car.

Don't tell anyone about that.

How old's Toby?

17.

Well.

Oh,

oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh,

he wasn't sexual.

He was body.

Oh, boy.

Don't say it's not sexual.

He wasn't.

He fucked it.

Don't say it's not sexual.

I think it's the beer thing.

I don't think Toby.

Well, we don't even

sex.

I'm ruined.

At the mall, side.

And then he fucked my mom.

Oh, I'm ruined.

There's nothing wrong with that.

It's not weird.

He just fucked my mom.

Toby, nobody's saying that there's anything wrong with that.

And real quick, a lot of kids ask, I had nothing to do with those Christmas time Kevin Spacey videos.

You know what he dressed up like the guy from.

You know how everybody is.

I just talk about this so much.

I'm sorry, I didn't.

You talk about it a lot for someone.

I associate it with you because you talk too much.

Don't, don't, look at that.

You gave a kid.

Okay, you gave a kid beer.

You pull $350 a week.

That means in two weeks, you can buy me a Switch package.

Switch two.

Switch two.

Well, no, because they're all.

Get that kid a Switch two or I tell everybody about the beer and the mom.

I'd have to buy it on like Bakari for like $675.

Steal it, motherfucker.

You drive a nice car.

Santa told me to do it.

He drives to Toyota to himself.

I don't know if you know anything about cars, Toby, but that's not a nice car.

That's a car they haven't made in 30 years.

Why?

Because they got it right the first time.

My mom, fuck you, man.

You're a loser.

She's a woman with agency, Toby.

I mean, nobody forced her to fuck.

Well, don't say that.

I'd say nobody did.

Listen, I'm going to head out.

No, you're not.

He takes out a pack of Palma.

Listen.

You can't smoke here.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, kids, everyone can get away.

Let's do a big group photo.

Let's do a big group one.

All the kids are sort of adjusting their clothes with the group photo, trying to smoke.

I do a big group one.

I've been getting to work on all these motherfuckers in line.

I know exactly.

Things are going like this.

Oh, no.

See.

You didn't want to live in that another 40 minutes, Adol?

I mean, I could have.

17.

Aaron says 17

completely fucks Adol.

Sorry, Adol.

It's fake, though.

So that's fake.

Oh, you shouldn't have to say that, please.

Oh, boy.

Here's our next riddle.

Yes, please.

A man spills his coffee while working.

He is fired on the spot.

Though nothing was stained and no technology was damaged.

Oh, no technology was damaged.

I was going to say NASA.

Oh, like he spills it on the control board?

Yeah.

And then I also maybe I was like, or he's one of those guys who restores paintings.

Oh,

but you ruined it at the end of it.

You ruined it by saying no technology.

Yeah.

The coffee was, he's a barista, and the coffee is for a very important person.

Uh, that's a good guess, but not correct.

Is he a flight attendant and he spilled the coffee on the president of the United States of America?

It's Air Force One, the President of the United States of America.

Um, no, but I like

that.

And maybe one of the

Fuck.

Fuck.

Aaron, you are.

Aaron, you are, of course, our 50th president.

Great.

You are an Air Force One, and JPC, you are a flight attendant working.

This is your first time working Air Force One.

So I'm the hawk to a girl.

Yeah.

Well, we've already said.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

I'll be a different kind of person.

And JPC, you're a flight attendant, first day working on Air Force One.

Great.

Yeah, I think we should wait till we're back in the situation room to talk about that.

But if we can

seat belts.

Kidding.

Kidding, it's Air Force One, do what you want.

I'm Nick.

I'm going to be taking care of you today.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You're in the way of the cart.

Cart's got all the beverages.

Hey, I'm Nick.

If this is your first time flying with us, I'm kidding.

God, I'm kidding.

But seriously, though, seatbelts for when we take off, and as soon as we begin the air, you can do whatever you want.

Nick, are you wearing a Spice Girls t-shirt?

That's not the uniform.

This is a Spice Girls t-shirt.

Yes, this was in the lost and found on the plane today because my clothes got sucked into the engine.

Oh, yeah.

I was drying them because I had spilled all kinds of water on them.

So I was drying them.

They fixed the engine after that happened, right?

You told them.

You can suck anything into these engines.

These are.

Madam President, you are in good hands because you can suck anything into these engines.

But somebody checked out the engines after.

Madam President, yes, of course.

Someone has checked out the engines.

Seatbelts.

That's very good, ma'am.

I didn't get your name.

I'm Secretary of Defense Logan Paul.

I am Nick.

It is so nice to meet you.

Nick, you smell so much like gasoline and axe body spray.

It is overwhelming.

I think that was on this t-shirt.

I actually, Logan, I think this might be one of yours, Mr.

Paul.

Thank you so much.

Madam Secretary.

No, I'm.

Oh, no.

Secretary's can be bidden.

Nick.

Yes, ma'am.

Sounds like you're pretty nervous, and I try to be patient with

so much because I'm brand new.

This is my first day.

What is your official title here on Air Force One?

I am the Secretary of Defense.

Oh, no.

I just heard that one from somewhere else.

That'd be that I said it.

I said it, that's Mr.

Paul.

Yeah.

Madam Secretary.

It's not me.

I am a...

Oof, don't say stewardess.

Nick, don't say stewardess.

Oh, boy.

And now I've lost what I am.

He's sort of taking out a stewardess, but new.

Old times, they called me stewardess.

Neortess.

But

if you need to

suck me, fuck me, do whatever you need to, you can.

Nick.

Because I don't tell you

I am.

Seatbelts.

Are you trying to

hear that word?

Flight attendant.

That's what I am.

And I can attend to every need.

The press part of the plane.

They sort of have a more traditional flight.

Maybe get them to be.

I was actually told I had to leave the part of the plane where you can press things that might alter the plane.

Because I was in there.

What's that?

The cockpit.

Ma'am.

Whatever you need.

Okay.

I can cockpit you.

I can sock pit you.

I can do whatever you want.

I can put the whole pit in my mouth.

I can suck it dry.

No, Nick, you can't say this to me.

I'm the president of the United States.

You can't say this type of thing to me.

Okay, weak.

But I can do it all, and I won't.

And again?

Hey, I want you to go talk.

I've been told it's gratis.

Go get it.

Which means you don't pay for anything on this blade.

I don't.

I'm the president.

You want ginger ale?

I don't want anything from you.

I want you to go to a ginger president.

Ginger a little bit.

Oh, my God.

Ginger ale.

She's on my shirt.

That's ginger spice.

And that's what you'd like.

No.

So it's like a Christmas candy?

Okay, so let me get this right.

Logan Paul, you want a sprite, you want a ginger candy,

Madam President, and then you both want to pit me, ship me, skip me,

double dip me.

You know what?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm going to open up the

air and we're going to.

More.

Scene.

More.

Scene.

More.

More, more.

More.

More.

Scene, scene, scene, scene, scene.

My food is 13 minutes away.

Aaron,

unbelievably blasé about Phoenix being blown up by France.

Well,

I mean,

Phoenix is great.

Everybody forgets that France has nukes, but France has nukes.

France has nukes.

Bonjou bonjou.

Baguet bonjou.

We have a nuclear bomb.

A man spills his coffee while working.

He is fired on the spot, though nothing was stained and no technology was damaged.

Nothing was stained.

He works at a coffee shop.

We were close about

him spilling someone's import, like it's someone else's coffee.

No, it's his coffee.

But maybe all is not as it seems.

He was going to consume this coffee.

Yes.

He was going to and probably has been, we'll say.

He's a coffee doctor.

Oh, he was trying to pretend that he was in space.

And when the gravity, when the coffee didn't float, they went, he's not in space.

Oh.

Excuse me?

One small sip you guys

yeah we got to bring back dead stop you guys have been letting me lose for two from 7-Eleven I'm Neil Armstrong for 7-Eleven

a big gulp of coffee

72 ounces of hot coffee in a corner eating like the 7-Eleven brand candy and like a hot dog um this is his coffee he was intending to ingest it yes and he's been he's been drinking it he's been drinking it and who knows how long this little ruse has been going on but we'll say maybe one of his superiors

noticed something and then was like, is this like, is he on the set of a Hollywood movie and continuity?

No, those cups are empty.

Those cups are empty.

Is it something about the coffee in him?

No, no.

Can I tell you something, guys?

I get so excited when I'm watching a movie in a TV show and I see someone drinking real coffee from a cup.

I get so excited.

It might not be real coffee, but real liquid.

Real liquid.

A liquid with weight

to it.

It's so annoying when it's empty.

And they kill more girls, they have just empty coffee mugs.

It's empty coffee and, like, oh, God, people.

I know it's not like your job is like acting.

You're supposed to be emoting to the other person.

But if you're just doing like silly jerk-off motions with an empty cup in your hand, it's like, come on.

Well, GBC, let's see if it translates to audio.

Say a line and don't hold anything.

And then say a line and hold your coffee or your water to see if people can hear the difference.

And you can say anything you want.

Okay.

Madam President, there's been an attack on Phoenix.

The French are invading.

Okay, so that's he.

We are not telling you which one is which yet, and now do the other version of it.

Madam President, he's jerking it off.

You've drinked a drink.

He's drinking coffee.

I hate him.

Oh my God, Eric.

Adult?

I hate him.

What if France blew up the band Phoenix?

Who are French?

Whoa.

An attack on their own.

Is that Phoenix?

Lutzamania.

Yes, Eric.

Oh, what?

Yeah, I love that.

That's a great album.

What happened to them?

Wolfgang, Amadeus.

I saw them a couple years ago.

Oh, yeah.

How they do it?

Okay.

I think they opened for Beck.

Oh.

Okay, so this is a man.

He's spilling his coffee.

Aaron, what kind of men drink coffee?

But it's not spilling on.

Was he not supposed to be drinking coffee?

He can drink coffee, but I think you're...

I think you're...

He gonna drink hot coffee.

You can't drink cold coffee.

He can drink whatever temperature, but there's probably something else going on with his coffee.

The coffee

is it spiked coffee?

Yes, yes.

It's spiked.

Yep, that's an alcoholic.

How can you tell?

Spill the coffee.

The smell?

Someone could smell the booze and they fired him.

Where was he working?

Let's say.

If I drink coffee with booze in it, can you not smell the booze on my breath?

Do you only smell coffee?

You would still smell the booze, right?

Also, what booze do you mix with coffee?

Oh, I guess Bailey's.

Yeah, Bailey's, yeah.

Or whiskey, people put whiskey in their coffee too.

Whiskey and coffee?

It's yeah, I mean, they do it.

I don't know.

Huh.

Aaron, if you love drinking, you'll kind of put liquor in anything.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

I've had,

it's been

many years since I've had a drink of the old alcohol, but I've had like what?

I mean, I guess Irish coffee is Bailey's, but I've had like spiked coffee.

I'm not sure if there's a way to say

coffee with alcohol in it.

Yeah.

Nasty stuff.

Oh, it's like an espresso martini is that.

Yeah.

Kind of.

But it's probably look cool.

It's probably coffee looks cool.

Let's take it an espresso martini at nine in the morning, and people are like, huh, cup of coffee?

Like, yeah.

I'd like to see a scene.

Adel, you are an astronaut in space and you are checking in with Houston.

And JPC, you're the guy at the computer, and you are clearly drunk.

And so, Adel, you're getting a little nervous.

Houston, this is Calypso 48.

We are orbiting Venus.

We're seeing some anomalies.

Roger Dodger looks over right.

This is sorry, you're breaking up.

Can you repeat that?

Nope.

Nope.

Oh.

Yeah, we shouldn't.

I'm looking at the

screen, and everything looks to be about normal, so

shoot for the moon.

Houston, I can see you.

Your eyes are closed.

You got one of those airplane pillows on your neck.

There's probably a little there's a delay for for Venus, so you can see me from when I was sleeping last night, but tomorrow night is a new night.

I'm wide awake.

Uh, Houston, again, I think we're having some audio issues.

It sounds like you're doing some sort of slam poetry or something.

You're slurring your.

Are we talking to the astronauts on the phone?

I hope not.

I hope not because.

Tell them they're handsomes.

What?

Tell them they're handsomes.

I can't say that.

Please, if it's all we're handsomes, tell them.

Calypso 44, are you handsome?

Who?

Was that for a different craft?

In space.

This is Calypso 48.

Fortinate.

So, landing gear, engage.

Oh, no.

Our landing gear just came out.

We are being thrown off.

Oh, no.

We're being thrown off course.

Okay.

Oh, we're

going towards the sun.

Please tell my wife.

I love her.

Tell my cum.

Tell Tommy that

he's going to be a big face.

Oh, no, you talk.

Go ahead.

Tell the cummies my wife talk.

Tell the commies my wife talks.

Tell the mummy cummies.

Tell the mummy cummies what?

Speak.

Speak.

Tell the mummy cummies what?

This with heavy heart week.

Please don't tell my wife mummy cummies.

Please.

Tell the American people.

No, my wife.

Tell my wife I love her.

Tell my kids.

Nipsa 41.

Please.

Oh, please.

Is this recording?

Does this get recorded?

Oh, yeah.

Because I can't.

No.

Please sing a song to the people.

Sing a song to the people.

Please don't tell my wife Mommy Cummies.

Sing a song to the earth.

Oh no.

Okay.

Calypso for the new.

I'm trying to check you in location.

Seems to be closer to the sun.

Whoa.

So rude.

Rude.

Rube.

That's ridiculous.

Do you think we we should go back to Chuck E.

Cheese's?

I too much think to go to Chuck E.

Cheese's with me a nice time.

And I got the keys.

And I got a little kid puppet, because I won't let you in without a puppet.

That's a kid.

Three days later.

Did my husband have any last words?

He did.

Sorry, we didn't have full of the American flag.

We did our best.

We did bunch up at a ball.

We bunched up at a ball.

And that's not America flag, but surprise flag.

Papa Pride.

My mommy comes to blow up in space.

still drunk on a binder, on a Chuck E.

Cheese bender.

I mean, it's the summer.

What?

I'm not going to go to Chuck E.

Cheese bender?

It's the fucking summer, and I'm not going to go to Chuck E.

Cheese and have a fucking espresso martini.

Well, summers are known for their breaks, so why don't we take a quick summer break?

Whoa,

school's in session.

Yeah, we'll be right back.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting...

Myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Aaron, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

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And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall.

Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys in your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics, JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic, we've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com/slash Riddle for a free trial.

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GPC, why don't you do a flip ollie over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

JPC, you know how not too long ago, Aaron was a car.

We don't really need to dwell on it.

Sometimes you're asking yourself weird things like, why didn't they teach us this in school?

I feel that way almost anytime I'm dealing with money.

Amen.

Famously, I'm very bad with money.

Famously, you're very good with money.

That's why I'm giving my kids, aka my cats, a head start on their money skills with Acorns Early.

Now, if I know your cats, they're going to take those acorns, put them outside your door, and then feed them to squirrels so they can watch squirrels going outside of your door.

But children, human children, they're very different.

They have different learning patterns than cats.

We're getting wildly off topic.

Erin used to be a car.

That's why she's not here.

But that's been resolved at this point.

So we don't have to worry about that.

Mostly been resolved.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

This is something that I am going to be gifting to friends that I myself hopefully one day will be gifting to a child and again to my cats.

Start with the in-app chores tracker.

Teach your kids or cats the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set up their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

And you could maybe be like, hey, let's set a goal that you save up to buy, I don't know, like a car one day.

Yes, because it is legal to buy a car.

yes, even if it is or was a human at some point.

Because if it's now a car, it's fine, and there's no laws against that.

Plus, kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's spending limits and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

I have played around with the Acorn's Early app, so it's still a little early for my child, but I really love the features.

I really love how simplified it is.

I actually think that it can make learning about money fun and engaging and i think that those are very important things it's also really important to like demystify you know the money you know money isn't something that's like um you know dirty or dangerous or something it's just like a a tool like anything else that we use to exist in society and i i think that acorns early is a great way to introduce children to that absolutely hey jpz

Do you notice, even though Aaron's not a car anymore, that sometimes when she sneezes, it sounds like vroom?

Yeah, Yeah, and sometimes when she

not to be indelicate,

farts, it sounds like

passes gas, it sounds like honk, honk, honk, hon, kong.

Yes, and then I immediately want to get anyway.

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Aaron's not a car.

Take control of your money.

Ah, Aaron Keefe, JPC, have a seat.

Welcome to dinner.

Fun.

Fun.

And this is gratis, right?

I want to say

potatoes.

Ah, gratis.

Yes, the potatoes are free, but the meal is exquisite and the finest.

Hey, Aaron, can I I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

This is Tempo.

It's all Tempo.

Oh, it smells so good.

That's why it smells so good.

Hadle, can I tell you how grateful I am for this?

Yes.

This season, this like back-to-school season, always has a wave of busyness, leaving very little room for me to like cook for myself and make nutritious meals.

So like this means so much.

Oh, Aaron, I agree.

Tempo serves up fast, feel-good, single-serving meals that are crafted to cook in just three minutes.

A minute for each of us.

So you can eat well without sacrificing taste or convenience.

Wait, should the chef should the chef be saying that?

Because I can hear that.

That sounds like the chef is serving.

With new recipes each week that are made with real ingredients and nutrient-rich, they make it easy to keep up a healthy lifestyle.

Look, I know about Tempo's perfectly portioned lunches and dinners that take the guesswork out of eating well.

They're fully prepared and they can be heated in the microwave in just three minutes.

I just thought this was like a fancy French dinner and potatoes are gratin and all that stuff.

Am I out of line here?

Jimega customized to you, monsieur.

Protein bagged, gallery conscious, carb conscious, and fiber-rich.

Bonjour bonjour.

Bonjour bonjour.

Some of my favorite meals.

Bistro-style garlic Dijon chicken with green beans and roasted tomatoes.

La la.

That sounds good, yeah.

Chef kiss.

Well, I just call it kiss, I guess, not chef kiss.

Also, oh, beef barbacoa rice bowl with poblano cream sauce and corn.

My favorite woman, Barbara Coa.

It's weird to say corn in a French accent.

Kyron.

Also, don't say my favorite woman, Erin.

My favorite woman.

Look, all I know is that for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listener 60% off your first box.

So go to tempo meals.com/slash riddle.

That's tempo meals.com/slash riddle for 60% off your first box.

Tempo meals.com/slash riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Rules and restrictions may apply.

Bonjou.

Bonjou.

Bonjou.

A bonjou.

I don't you say.

Say it to him now and goodbye.

Bonjou.

Bonjour, and my favorite woman is.

No, in the ad.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

And we're back, kids, and everything's fine.

Everything's okay.

Thanks for the beer, Santa.

No.

Root beer, you mean?

No.

Come to mean root beer.

You handed us a bunch of butt lights.

No.

And you said it tastes like piss, but have at it.

I never.

Oh, boy.

And then you fucked our moms.

Well, that.

Hold on.

My mom's 17.

No.

What are we doing?

Why would you?

In England.

In England.

In England.

So she's 80.

And you're afraid.

Oh, like stones versus pounds?

Well, she was pretty stones when you bowed it.

No, don't.

Come on.

Woo!

Come on.

What are you going to do to that?

You're going to tell me that it's perfect.

Tell me

I'm lashing out because I'm jealous.

Santa's not going to do any more crowd work.

But I am going to do some more riddles.

Here we go.

In the midnight...

In the midnight.

In the midnight.

In the midnight hour?

With a rebel yell.

Thank you.

It kind of does feel like the midnight hour because we're pink behind the curtain.

It's very hot, so we turned all the lights off in the studio, and there's just one single candle on the table.

It feels like

a special little occasion.

Yeah.

Aaron, why don't you blow out that candle?

Make a wish.

That's good audio.

That's good audio.

When was the last time you guys blew out a candle on a cake to me?

Like, when was the last time you blew it?

Probably my birthday?

For your birthday, you're served a candle with a cake on a candle?

I don't think so.

Probably the last time I ruined a kid's birthday.

Yeah, for sure.

Where I'm like, beat you to it.

There is an improviser, and I don't know if you want me to name her, but she has birthday candles in her purse and

a bar or whatever.

If it's anyone's birthday or they're celebrating something special or a milestone, she'll light it and then someone can blow it.

She got a pack of singles, or she had like a big red four and a big red light.

Yeah, yeah.

Hoping that all of her friends are turning 40.

She did, I, I, when I went through a breakup, she was like, we should celebrate.

And then you had a package.

Popped out the candles.

That's pretty cool.

That's a nice move.

It was a lovely thing.

And I kept the candle and I was like, this is actually quite lovely.

This should be a thing that humans do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like that.

I haven't blown out candles.

Well, that's not true.

My grandma had a 90th birthday party that I recently went to.

90 candles?

I know.

It was a fucking lot.

And I said, this better be your last one.

This better be last.

Did her hair catch on fire?

No, I think it was like a nine and a zero.

They thought about doing the 90 candles thing, but of course, it's just too much.

Top player cake would be wax.

I helped blow them out.

And I was like, this is fun.

Why don't I do this?

Because I don't think I've, I don't, first of all, I eat cake.

It's not like my ass ain't eating cake.

For your birthday this year, you're turning 37.

God, I hope so.

You should try to get 37 candles.

37 candles.

That's a fun amount of candles to pop up.

Well, there are 37 days in December.

So what if I just do a candle a day?

Am I fucking freaking out right now?

There's 37 days in December.

Fine, I'll turn 31.

Every Hanukkah, I'll come home at night and I'll be like, ooh,

and Jim was like, no, the menorah.

And I'm like, I thought this was.

Ooh.

Every time it got blowing in her face, like

in the midnight, a man suddenly clapped himself on the face, then got up and crazily clapped his hands until he got blood on his palm.

Then he went back to sleep.

What's going on?

He's killing a mosquito.

Vampire.

He's killing tiny vampires.

I'd like to see a scene.

Yes.

Adult, you are a guy

in the summer who has slept with his window open.

And JPC, you're a mosquito, and he goes to kill you, and you're offended and like, don't understand why he would do that to you.

I'm sorry.

Who is that?

Excuse you?

That's the mosquito talking?

It's the mosquito talking.

What the f?

Yes, the mosquito talking.

Were you just about to kill me?

Oh.

Oh, you're a murderer.

No.

I just walked into a house of a murderer.

No.

Well, you flew into a house.

I walked.

Oh.

I flew up to the window when I walked to cross the threshold.

I thought you were going to bite me, don't you?

Don't you guys?

Yeah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes.

I was going to bite you, take a little bit of your blood, because I needed to survive.

You were going to keep all of your blood, but I guess what you were going to do was murder me for that, so my life would end.

No, I.

Your life would be mildly inconvenient.

Okay, no.

Hold on, I'm not the bad guy here.

This is my house.

You broke into my house.

Oh, did I break in, or do we have different conceptions of what personal property is?

Because mosquitoes are a communal people.

Oh, what's communal people?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I have to take a little bit of your blood to live, but I'm sure you don't do that to anyone else.

You don't eat chicken or beef or pork or...

Honey, what do you mean you're going to go live with mosquitoes?

Because they have it all figured out.

I shaved my head, I sold all our possessions, and I'm going to go live with the mosquitoes.

Yeah, you.

Babe, did you smoke that weed again?

The weed that got left in the hot, hot car and kind of I think it makes it more powerful, more potent.

No, you're not going to go live with mosquitoes on a commune somewhere.

Oh, yeah, it's in the way.

We need to be bloodless.

We hoard our blood.

Don't you understand?

So much of nature needs our blood.

Okay, then go.

Just go then.

That's fine.

Can you come with me and like we'll get weird names?

Like.

No, I'm actually with someone.

What?

He's here.

What the fuck?

Hey, I mean, if you weren't going to use the house, I was going to come in here and use the house.

You're going to live with the mosquitoes, which is objectively better.

I thought you swayed me to come with me.

I would have a nice suit.

He's actually just got hired at your law firm.

Can you pass the pork-fried rice?

I would love a little more pork-fried rice.

Taylor Johnson and Mosquito.

Okay, we're trying to eat dinner.

So we just pack and go.

Yeah, we're trying to eat dinner.

Wait, those are our wedding dishes.

I thought I sold everything.

It's for a special occasion.

Yeah, you sold them online and I bought them at a good price.

You bought everything.

Look around the house.

It looks the same as it did.

You bought everything.

Do you

do you have a penis

wow

whatever that was about to be

yeah

you tell me hey bob dylan write a song about that us being important is making me go are we at the beginning of an episode the end of an episode or in the middle of an episode i can't tell my internal clock is all off

uh Here's another riddle.

Great.

There is a beloved Italian restaurant.

Aaron, give us one of your famous Italian impressions.

Abid.

Abid Abid.

That's not good.

That's not good.

I'm going to get canceled.

Canceled?

A spaghetti.

It's spaghetti.

How dare you do that?

That's my people's voice.

It's spaghetti.

I can say it.

I got an Italian dog.

There is a beloved Italian restaurant with excellent reviews.

Okay.

However, one day, a lot of people dining at this restaurant became sick, although all the meals were in order and prepared as usual.

In order.

What happened?

Carmen Monoxide poisoning.

Oh,

this is World War II.

Common monoxide.

Carmen monoxide.

This is World War II.

The meals were at

the restaurant

belonging to one

Mussolini.

was COVID.

Wow, Aaron, that's a that's wasn't one of the first place where it really popped was Italy.

Yeah, it was like Italy, New York City, yeah,

Milan's basic

Italy, yeah, Wuhan and Milan, yeah, Mulan.

Um, if okay, so every all the orders are made to order.

What was what was the

additional

restaurant an important part of this?

Um,

not necessarily, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't really matter.

Everybody got sick?

Not everyone.

It says a lot of people.

And you were, the COVID response was along the right lines.

Yeah, everyone gets like a cold from each other.

One of the waiters had a cold and came into work anyway.

Was this 20, I want to say 2011 when everyone was like, I'm gluten intolerant.

Yeah, that's it.

The answer is, it was that year where everyone was like, I'm suddenly gluten intolerant, but there's no such thing as gluten intolerance.

Aaron's staring daggers at me.

It's celiac.

It's celiac.

I did get my autoimmune thing under control, and now I do eat bread from time to time.

Whoa, how is that?

It's crazy.

It does make me feel like sick, but the same way like

every food makes me sick, you know?

Yeah, but like, I think bread kind of does make everyone sick.

I just don't think we were ever meant to eat as much bread as we eat, you know?

And it's a catch-22 because my autoimmune stuff is going to come back if I eat too much bread or do too much gluten.

So I have to, it has to be like a once-in-a-while special occasion thing.

Rolls aren't bread, right?

They're bread.

Rolls, Aaron.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Aaron, you didn't hear rolls.

Rolls are bread.

Rolls are bread.

Sorry.

I'm talking about R-O-L-O-S.

Like when you cut open a roll and you put butter on it inside.

Yeah, for like a dinner roll.

Sorry, Aaron.

Hold on.

Let me pull up a picture.

Yeah.

She's not getting it.

I don't think you're understanding it.

She's not getting it.

She's not getting it.

She's not getting it.

No, I'll

talk about

rolls.

Rolls.

Oh, rolls.

Yeah,

those are gluten.

No.

No.

We're doing something differently.

That must be wrong.

There's a beloved Italian restaurant with excellent reviews.

Oh, wait, wait.

Just give us a hint.

This restaurant is

in not an unusual place, but in a hyper-specific place.

Like an airport.

Times Square.

Not Times Square.

Airport's closer.

Like an airport.

Bus station.

Train station's closer.

Bus station.

To keep thinking about transportation.

It's an Italian restaurant on a

cruise ship.

They are seasick.

They are a cruise ship.

They're all seasick.

Okay, well, I just, this is a solo character that I want to see everybody do, and it's seasick Italian waiter.

Okay.

Aaron, do you want to start?

Casey, you have to do it as well.

Casey, you don't have to do it.

Aaron, you start.

You start.

He'll leave my mic.

Yeah, but he'll do it like one word from far away.

Okay, you start, Aaron.

Oh, no, you start.

No, no, Aaron, I must insist on you.

You start.

Adult, you start.

I'll break the tie.

Aaron, you start.

JPC, you start.

Aaron, the floor is yours.

Seasick Italian waiter.

Okay.

We have a few specials.

We have a lengthua.

Sorry, we have a length.

A length.

And a nice minostram.

A nice minostram.

And for dessert, we have a masta cholio.

Wait, why is masta choli a dessert?

Perfect.

Hey, he did a perfect job.

That was good.

Can I uh started you out?

It was number one.

And again, this is Italian waiters in Mario Karts hitting a banana piece.

Yeah.

That's what I said.

That's what I fucking said.

Okay.

I'm so happy I called in a sick of her work so I don't have to go to work sick and get anyone else sick.

Okay, what's on TV?

Oh, pornography.

Why are you seasick in your apartment?

What's that?

Nothing.

Put never if you're talking back to me.

I don't hate it.

I don't hate it.

See?

Now to.

Hold on.

Hold on.

I love a porn.

Pouring myself another cup of coffee.

In Casey, just one word from you, anything?

Pouring myself another cup of coffee.

Master Choni.

What is Master Coffee?

Wait a minute.

Can you drink this?

And guys, in Casey has the floor?

My guy had to come in for JPC, who called off.

So this is a spin-off impression.

Yeah.

Okay.

Those are one words.

Yeah.

He got.

I thought he was going to lose the Eddie on spaghetti because he threw up, but he got it.

He got there.

He got it.

He got there.

And the Italian Oscar goes to

Casey Tony.

Roberta Bellini's for crying in his barfing Bellini.

Roberta Bellini

stands on the seats.

A boohoo.

Well, we got that one.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wait, what?

Oh, yes, we did.

It was C-Sick on a cruise.

Did you did either of you you guys get seasick on the Joko?

No.

No, the first year I did.

Oh, I got a little seasick.

No, I got seasick this time.

Okay.

Yeah, I did get seasick.

I always thought I might, but I never did.

Yeah.

Which was nice.

On the Haver the Red A Live Show day, I was so seasick.

Yeah, I think you told me that you

flew up in your mouth.

Yeah.

Aaron, you were with me.

We were on the top deck, back deck, something like that.

And we were all having fun playing games.

We were with a group of people.

And then it hit me.

It hit me like a sniper shot.

Yeah.

Where I was like laughing, having fun.

And then I slowly got up and Aaron was like, Are you okay?

And I'm like, I have to go.

It hit me so hard.

We played Essences, and that was so fun.

You should play.

We haven't played that on Haven or Riddle.

That would be so fun.

We should.

Casey would have to be on the episode for, it really only works with four plus people.

JPC would find a way to really curse the game, but I feel like that's just part of the ecosystem around here.

Da, da, da.

Laura is restrained all night long with her hands pinned to her sides and cries out occasionally while someone watches her on a video camera.

She's an animal.

No one is alarmed and Laura is happy in the morning.

Why?

She's a bobcat in a sack.

She's a bobcat in a sack.

Not a penguin.

Is she an animal?

She's not an animal.

Penguins are animals.

Speaking of penguins.

I know.

Should I meet one while I'm here?

Do you have free dates?

Yeah, I'll give you my free dates.

Is she in a sleep study?

Real quick, Erin, I was going to text you about it, but I had also texted you last week and you never responded.

I feel like I got it.

Oh, because I'm trying to figure out if I can do that thing you asked me to do.

I still don't know if if I can do it.

I'm still waiting on hearing back about a timing thing.

So is Adel.

Adel's also still waiting to hear back.

In fact, he's heard nothing.

You cannot gang up against me.

You two don't like each other the same amount as you don't like me, to be honest.

So you guys being a team in any sort of way makes no fucking.

But if it is equal,

there's no loyalties at this table.

But sure, but so why can't I switch sides?

Fine.

We all like Casey.

I'm a like, not love on Casey.

Oh, yeah, I said like.

Or, you know what?

Actually, I think on all four of you, myself included, I'm a love, not like.

Okay.

I'm a love, not like.

I'm a love, not like.

On everybody at the same time.

On everybody at this time.

No, Casey, I also like you.

I think I would hang out with you outside of this.

I'd drive you insane, though.

And I don't love that.

Yeah, I think that she would also hang out with you outside of this, Casey, in a world where you could hang out with someone who doesn't answer text messages.

Like, what would that work?

Way more interesting stuff.

You show up.

You show up, and Aaron's there.

And Aaron's like, we're hanging out now.

And you're like, okay, I just didn't

be me.

I didn't know that.

Wilder.

You want me to send you some wild text, Aaron?

No.

Okay.

Uh-oh, Aaron.

Aaron?

Aaron wrote a checker body can't cash.

They call me Gene in the group chat because I'm fucking wilder in there.

Throws my phone like a frisbee.

Let's just have a moment of silence for Gene Wilder.

Gene Wilder.

RIP, Aaron.

RIP.

You didn't deserve that.

RIP.

One of the greats, Aaron.

Hold up your imagination.

Gone to you soon.

Gotcha.

Cancer.

Aaron, cancer.

He was great.

He was great.

He was great on Will and Grace.

Did you know he was on Will and Grace?

Yes.

Dated Gilda Radner.

Married?

Married to Gilda Radner?

Yeah, they were married.

That's a really cute couple.

Whoa, do you think that they got married before they dated?

Arranged marriage?

What if it was an arranged marriage?

She was dating Martin Shoreline.

When are you guys going to arrange, marry me?

What's my dowry?

Ugh.

We'll let the guy kick the shit out of both of us.

No, you pay him.

Oh, yeah.

I guess some of my friends.

What's the dowry?

Your dowry was was two rack of ribs, a Claire's raccoon ribs.

I'm not paying for top shelf ribs.

This is going to be raccoon ribs.

They didn't specify raccoon ribs and a Claire's ribbon.

Raccoon ribs are more expensive.

And a Claire's boutique gift card.

$50.

I can go outside right now and in 15 minutes I'll have a break.

The team can peer through yours.

Yes.

That's the only person I would trust with someone needles.

That's the only person I trust with needles.

Laura is restrained all night long with her hands pinned to her sides.

Is she an animal?

No.

She cries out occasionally while someone watches her on a video camera.

No one is alarmed.

Not an animal.

And Laura is happy in the morning.

Sleep study.

Oh, is she an actor?

Is this like a movie that they're doing?

And

they're doing Day for Night on a movie set.

This is Saw.

This is the behind-the-scenes Saw 5.

Not an animal, but

joke around on the Saw Set?

What did you say?

Do you think they joke around on the Saw Set?

I think you have to.

You do?

You think they call cut and someone's like, oh, that just happened?

Nah, that's not really a joke.

I don't always say shooting a horror movie doesn't feel scary, is what people say.

Is that what they say?

That's good because it shouldn't, right?

But you want the fear

from the actors, right?

I think Carrie Elways set the tone for the first one.

Yeah.

And he's so charming.

He's just so charming.

Aaron, when to ten, Carrie Elways?

10.

Yeah.

Or nine.

What about Mandy Patinkin?

A thousand.

What about Andre the Giant?

A thousand.

What about Wallace Sean?

Two.

Two on Wallace Sean.

No, that was just, that was Mitra.

Inconceivable.

Inconsiderate.

Inconsiderate.

Inconsiderate.

I was in that Patreon episode where we talked about fuck Mary Kill TV shows, movies, and video games.

I've had that conversation with literally everybody in my life.

And I have really been emphasizing that I think you can't.

Video games is a whole other thing, but I think movies, where they're at right now, is what happens to, happened to book in theaters when movies came out.

I went, I think movies, I think your golden era is behind you for right now.

I think you're a great medium for storytelling, but I think we're in the golden era of television as like a paintbrush and a medium.

But then I remember Princess Bride exists, and then I go, well, fuck me.

There's no TV show that's as good as Princess Bride.

I think the golden era of movies

ended somewhere in like the mid-80s.

I think that's when movies ended.

But I think that for a while, and I'll take TV off the table, the era of prestige TV, I think, has come to an end.

I think it's about, I think,

we're cusping.

I think Andor was the last of the prestige.

Severance.

Fargo.

Fargo, severance.

Are they still, is Fargo still happening?

Maybe.

I don't think so.

Fleabag.

That was recent.

Your Honor, Fleabag.

Second season of Fleabag is.

And or season two was the latest of any of these things that you guys.

I don't know what I'm saying.

I think that, and I just said that Andor season two is them shutting the door in prestige slopes.

I don't think so.

I don't think the money's there.

All the streamers have cut all of their budgets.

They're not putting any money into it anymore.

I think, I, look,

I think we are in the age of TV slop.

I think there's going to be so much TV slop, but I don't think you're going to get very many like big group shots with lots of extras in them.

I think that, I think that that like thing in Andor Season 2 was the last of it.

I think, I think we are, I could be wrong, and I think that there's like a tail end where it's like, it's a slow trickle, but I think the era of prestige TV is behind us, and I think that we are entering into the golden age of

video games, no, slop, slop TV.

I think we're still in a TV age era.

I think it's just the age of slop has

T2 Rise up the slop shoes.

I still think we're in that TV time.

I think it's another two or three years of that.

And then I think we're going to be in the video game.

Video games have been really booming and become great storytellers.

But I think like how you love theater.

What's the theater where you're

immersive theater?

I think that stories that you are folded into

are going to be the next big thing.

Like

VR or also live experiences of that.

I think that that is going to be the next

chunk.

I think you're right because

movie stars were movie stars, and then came the era of Sopranos and well, maybe not sopranos, but when they started getting like

film actors starring in TV roles, that was a big deal.

Like True Detective was maybe the first instance of that with Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey.

Yeah, because like the wire and sopranos and stuff was mostly like

they were still kind of unknowns or British the interactors, you know, but when with True Detective season one, film actors went to TV and they felt comfortable and they had great success.

So, I do think maybe the next move is like, uh, you know, Al Pacino is the voice of like some of like Mario in a new Mario game.

Yeah, without what you like experience, like, yeah, Al Pacino, the voice, Al Pacino, 91-year-old Al Pacino.

Yahoo!

I'm gonna win, Luigi,

Luigi's got a great ass.

Well, that's got legs.

I go to save that princess.

Is Is that a warp whistle?

Aaron, do you have Pagino saying warp whistle?

Is that a warp whistle?

Hoorah.

Koopa.

Koopa.

Laura is restrained all night long

with her hands pinned to her sides and cries out occasionally while someone watches her on a

fucking baby.

Erin, she's a fucking

baby.

Now.

Swaddled.

They call that swaddled nowadays.

Laura is a baby who is swaddled.

Her mother's watching her on a baby monitor.

She cries out a few times during the night she goes back to sleep all is well being swaddled does seem quite nice every time i've swallowed a baby swallowed every time i've eaten a baby

i unhinge my jotty okay kronos what's going on over here every time i've swaddled one i've gone well that looks really relaxing yeah just to be like just to just to remind me of being in the room

the sleeping bag you mean oh my god

is that what i mean you get a weighted blanket weighted blankets are kind of like big kids' sleep sacks right

yeah they like kind of of press down on me.

Those feel so good for a second.

I like when someone lays directly on top of me, just like presses down on me.

Yeah.

But weighted blankets, I like them for the first couple minutes, and then I get anxious.

Claustrophobic?

Yeah, I get claustrophobic.

For some people, not well, they help with the anxiety.

They're good for some

types of anxiety because they can like be like this constant pressure on you.

For me, unfortunately, I run so hot that I'm like always kicking shit off of me in the night.

And while a weighted blanket stops that, I can't kick it off of me.

I do wake up kind of in a puddle of my own, like, you know, I'm just like,

like, struggling against my bonds all night.

And I bench press in bed so that when I get tired, I just fall asleep and I have the weight of the bar on me.

Yeah.

999,

1,000.

Counting reps.

Yeah.

And Jim was like, you started counting at 998.

No.

I was going to say, he's counting backwards.

Yeah.

Coming up.

No.

It's just the part.

Okay.

A baby named Laura?

Come on.

Come on.

Laura is an accountant or a real estate agent and nothing else.

We're meeting up with my real estate agent, Laura, later.

She's actually like a complicated, complex person.

Yes, of course.

She has a full life.

She's great.

She's also my real estate agent.

Good.

Good.

What are you, you're meeting with her here?

No, this is...

I'm doing a bit.

This is a joke from Aaron.

I cannot afford a house.

I'll never have a house.

What's the funny part about the joke?

Is the joke that you can never afford a a house i guess that's part of it it's quite funny um no laura i just think sounds like a real estate agent name yeah but maybe i'm crazy no no what the did i just do energy no no no no no no i think laura bad name these are all real estate agent names right daphne yes denise italian last name there you go my name is denise italian last name

And I'm here to get you a new house.

Biggest hair in real estate.

One of my favorite bits of all time was from, did you You Watch What We Do in the Shadows, the TV show, of course, when they're interviewing Nandor, and they're like, What's your last name?

and he goes, The Relentless, and they go, I'm here with Nandor de Laurentis.

And I'm like, That is a

amazing.

And it's like season four or something, where I'm like, Someone sat on that for four years.

No, it's so funny when a name joke comes in like four seasons in, you're like, God, I was right.

Did that just come to you one day?

Holy shit, John, different John.

John goes to the same woman every day for advice.

He trusts her implicitly and always follows her directions.

Magic Ape Ball.

Grok.

It is Grok.

Lady Grok.

Grok has become woke, though.

Yeah, Grok is woke.

Boo.

But John has no intention of ever meeting her, and he never asks her about herself.

What's stopping him from developing a more meaningful relationship?

She's a psychic, because she's a ghost.

Because she is

basically a psychic.

That is...

You're not far off.

She's one of those like

those

machines at the mall that you put the quarter in, and she's like,

She's a ghost.

She's a psychic.

She's

like, What machines?

She's a Zorton.

She's crystals.

She's crystals.

She's crystals.

She's.

You're right that she's not a real person.

But this is...

Let me go back to a certain line.

Okay.

John goes to the same woman every day for advice.

He trusts her implicitly and always follows her directions.

Oh, she's um Paula Dean's cookbook, uh, like Siri, or

like the one being like, turn left on, yeah, yeah, yes, Aaron, what's that called?

Google Map voice,

Siri, Alexa, personal assistant, GPS, GPS, GPS, GPS, which stands for Gina

personal service.

Yes,

um, why

is the default robot voice ladies?

What's the psychology behind that?

The movie, her, is it like, yeah, is it people, like, men not like wanting another guy to tell them what to do?

Um, I probably, yeah, probably.

There's probably some studies of like when a guy's like, turn left, it's like, no, I don't think so.

Yeah, I got it.

But if a woman says it, you're like, okay, mill lady.

Yeah,

he's cute, probably.

I do want to see a scene.

Um,

Aaron, you are driving, you're in a

new town.

Great.

Um, and JPC, you are the GPS and you're

trying to help her out.

Type in

Oh, I okay.

I'm from the town you're from.

Well, this is strange.

This must be just like.

Let me check my settings on location.

No, it's updated.

So it knows that we're in Cincinnati, okay?

Um, yeah, just find it on a map and then let me know where to go.

I don't need a map.

I know where I'm going.

Oh my god.

I know where I'm going.

I don't need a map.

No, I mean, sure, maybe you just said that you are from the same place I'm from.

You've never been here.

City's on a grid.

Yeah, but we've never been here before.

GPS?

I know where I'm going.

GPS.

Let's just drive.

I'll find it.

The last time you did this, I was literally in a lake.

And then you said, if I was a better driver, this would have never happened.

Women drivers.

Mark, there you are.

I've been trying to get a hold of you.

Your son wants wants to talk to you.

Oh, boy.

Mark, you need to see your son.

Hold on, Gina.

Let me deal with this.

Okay.

No, go with her.

Well, we'll.

I'll find my own.

We don't have to go anywhere because we're a computer.

All right, I'm going to just sort of Google how to get there and then write down the instructions.

Don't use Google.

We'll answer.

Yeah, we'll answer.

I know Google.

Okay, how do you do that?

I can get it faster than Google.

To Cincinnati's ice cream shop.

Just keep going.

That's a good joke.

Just keep driving.

I'll sort this thing out with my son.

I'm going to get to the side.

Hey, by the way, I want a test.

What do you mean?

I want a paternity test.

What do you mean?

I want to know if he's my son.

I didn't quite hear that.

Oh, you heard it.

You heard what I said.

There, there, ice cream store.

No, no, that's not an ice cream store.

Pull over.

That's an elementary school.

They have ice cream.

If it's kids there, they'll have ice cream.

No, I don't.

Let me talk to the guy.

Let me talk to the guy.

No.

Let me talk to the guy.

No.

Lower your window.

Fine.

Uh, hey, what's going on?

You have ice cream?

Um.

Is there ice cream inside?

There we have for the kids.

We need to buy some ice cream.

Well,

if you just go down

48 and take a left.

Hey, huh?

We don't want direction.

Yes, we do.

Where do I go?

Give him ice cream.

Just down here, take a left on 48.

Keep your eyes on me, pal.

We're having a conversation.

Who are you?

Give him money.

Just hand him $20 from your business.

My My ex-husband got electrocuted and put into this car.

Got electrocuted.

I'm not.

I'm going to go help the kids.

Yeah, you should.

She drew a sexy picture on a wall outlet and then went out of town for a weekend.

I got.

He fucked the wall.

Speeds off.

I have been reading.

This is a little dark and sad, but something to think about.

You know how all the documentaries about the Stockton Rush, is that his name?

The guy who blew up the, was in the submersible?

Oh, I guess the burner.

Yeah.

The amount of times people have died because men are so arrogant about their own intelligence is wild.

Like where women have been like, I think this is too steep of a cliff.

And they're like, shut up.

I'm brilliant.

And then the woman dies too.

That happens so much.

It's crazy.

This is what I'm saying, that when you suggest stuff sometimes, guys, I should probably be pushing back on it.

I hope that when I die, James Cameron comes out and it's like, I knew that guy was going to fucking die.

That would be the best.

I would love if that got published.

Just a throwaway from Jim Cameron.

Is that what James Cameron did?

Yeah.

James Cameron.

He was like, I should have said something because I knew that guy was fucking going to die.

Yeah.

I think he even cautioned him against going down.

I don't think he did.

Oh, did he not?

I knew it.

Yeah.

Because he's a big submersible guy.

He's a huge submersible guy.

Yeah.

And I think he's like worked to

make some of the technology that makes that stuff happen.

Like, I'm not saying he's in the lab tinkering, but he's financed it and shit like that, too.

But in the in those documentaries, and who knows if this is true, but one of the guy, the guy who did it, the billionaire, his best friend said that he kind of had a death wish to die down there.

Like he was kind of hoping he would.

He like loved the lore of the Titanic and really romanticized it.

Sure.

And like called it the Titan submersible.

Like he kind of wanted to be folded into the story there.

Hey, and he was folded in.

Aaron?

It's funny to say that him, but maybe not the other people who were in.

Yeah, there was like a 17-year-old boy in there that didn't want to be there.

Yeah, that's the, that's the, that's where we were all going to have a lot of fun until that happens.

Yeah, until that happened.

It was not fun at all.

Kind of fun to say that that guy got folded in, but pretty harder to think about how much fun it is to have fun.

Anyways, Adela, a riddle, or

how about we even do plugs or whatever?

Yeah.

Would we say that guy's now like Moana's grandma or whatever?

Hers was a little bit more spiritual.

Her return to the ocean.

Wow.

My ass is Moana, and I see like the,

what's the animal that the grandma manta?

The manta ray underneath my butt.

I just see like a folded-up man.

Remember the first time you saw that?

You cried so hard.

He appeared.

Not the folded up man.

Thanks.

I said Russian beers on my butt.

I'm like,

he's like, am I beautiful?

I'm so proud of you.

Just like an Italian waiter.

Aaron, anything to plug or promote?

Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, I'm okay.

Okay.

Oh, follow quality time.

The

variety show I host in Los Angeles.

I love it.

I'm really proud of it.

So if you want to check it out, it's on Instagram.

Hell yeah.

I'm going to plug and promote the Hey Riddle Riddle tour.

Go to heyriddoriddle.com slash live.

Check out whatever cities and dates we're going to if there's tickets left.

And also the Hello from the Magic Tavern tour.

We're just Google Hello for the Magic Tavern Live, I guess.

I forget what our website is, but go there and check out some dates.

JPC, anything to plug or remote?

Hey, this is JPC cutting in from the future.

Piggybacking on what Adel said, Portland, Oregon, Saturday, July 26th, and Seattle, Washington, Sunday, July 27th.

There are still a few tickets left.

We just released some more tickets for those shows.

So get them while they're hot because they're going fast.

And then our show in Los Angeles on Friday, August 1st, still some tickets left for that.

Plus our live stream.

And I just heard from the menu, the live stream tickets will be available up to two weeks after the show ends, and you will have that long to watch the live stream.

So, if you buy the live stream, you can watch it for two weeks, or if, like, a week after the show, you say, Hey, I want to see that live stream, you can still get it for two weeks after Friday, August 1st.

But the live tickets, they're only for that night.

All right, now to you, JPC.

There's Saturday nights at IO World News Tonight.

You can come and see that show every Saturday.

I'm there some Saturdays, not every Saturday, but I'm there some Saturdays.

Or you can follow us on Instagram to see the cast lists that we post the week of the show.

And I think that's it.

Aaron,

I know you're probably going to say no.

Sure.

But I've recently come into a little bit of money, $1 billion.

Sure.

And I am building a rocket ship.

I'm going to use a GameCube controller to pilot the rocket ship.

And it doesn't matter what planet we go to.

I'm not picky about that.

Jupiter.

Great.

I thought for sure he was going to say, I came into money.

I got kicked out of the bank.

So I can't go back to that bank.

Something like that.

Does that make make sense?

Oh my god.

I came into some money.

I can never go back to that.

Casey cut out the music right here, and let's all just sort of sit in the silence before he comes back in.

All right, you can do it.

What did you say about coming into money?

Nothing.

Casey Toby did the editing.

Photo created by M.O.E.

Cardamis and Emmoen Amoris.

Hey there, crowds and pleasers.

If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon.

It's another edition of Public Access TV.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those out-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a hit gun podcast.

Yes, Mr.

Gecko, you're a huge inspiration inspiration to us all.

But who was your muse?

Oh, my dear old Nan.

She imparted many wise words to me.

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I lived up to her advice, and now anyone can file a claim anywhere and anytime.

I miss her so much.

Did she go somewhere?

Extended quilting trip.

Ah.

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