Patreon Preview #327: Three Funerals

Oh man.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Good to see you, JPC.

This is a

tough day.

Aaron's funeral.

That's uh, I mean, wow, heavy, heavy stuff.

Yeah, it's it doesn't

I think it hasn't sunk in yet.

Yeah, yeah, for me as well.

Hey, I was thinking about this on the way over here.

Um, are we committing

the podcast?

Well, no, I feel like we better talk about that later.

Sure.

I was going to ask,

are we telling people or are people kind of...

Are we going with the age that she was or the age that she told people she was?

I think we split the difference.

So 47?

47?

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's, yeah, okay, that feels right.

Maybe I just won't get too specific with it because that's even sadder, right?

To

talk about the age.

Yeah.

And, oh, sorry, let me pop test test.

One, two, pop, test, test.

Sorry, she said, she said everything's content, so I know she wanted to have a

podcast.

She said some of her

Boston relatives in the parking lot on the way in.

Yeah, they're sort of a tailgating.

Yeah.

They're grilling Dunkin' Donuts, which

I don't know.

It seems a little bit

crude.

It's the accent I can't quite get past because I was sure that what they were calling me were slurs, but they were words that I've never heard before yeah they definitely felt derogatory and i got that like it hurt my soul to hear but i just never heard the words before you know i got called a tilly tiddly dunk i don't know what tiddly dunk is but it sounds like no it does yeah it sounds hateful right yeah the way it's said the way they the way that they say it i also feel bad because i laughed because you know aaron's family was like Nah, don't put my daughter on the ground.

Or whatever the boss accent sounds like.

And I was like something like that.

I was like, I can't do it.

It sounds so stupid when you're open to do it.

You know, it's like, oh, not my darling, my girlfriend, my baby girl.

Yeah.

Park the casket at Harvard Tamatarai or whatever.

Like, it just sounds stupid.

Hey, cool.

By the way, we're kind of drawing a crowd and they're loving it.

So, like, keep going, my man.

You're definitely the funniest guys at this wedding.

Oh, what?

Should we start a weekend at Bernie's Erin for some of these?

Because I feel like.

Oh, I thought it was going to be a closed casket.

I'll try to open it.

I think it closed within, was in parentheses, so it's like a.

I couldn't tell because it was a voice memo if it was a closed casket or they were saying that she's wearing clothes in the casket.

But either way, I'm opening the casket.

I also feel like...

Are you going to get up and speak at all?

I just want to make sure we're not covering the same thing.

Yeah, I'm going to do a type five.

I'm going to do crowd work mostly, though.

Are you going to bring up the fact that Aaron died by

walking up to Joshua Jackson, slipping on a loose stick of butter, gliding for two miles on straight asphalts

before being hit by a runaway horse being ridden by a monkey.

Oh my god, I wasn't really going to mention that.

The newspaper just said it was a funny death.

I didn't actually hear about all the details.

Yeah, yeah.

And the obituary just said funny.

It was like when they typed out ha ha ha ha, I was like, wow, this must be really funny because the obit writer is like ha ha ha laughing.

Yeah.

Hey guys, wicked sad day, huh?

I'm Father Henry.

I'm going to be doing the service this evening.

Oh, yeah.

I genuinely kiss.

I kiss your rings.

Kiss your rings.

Sorry.

Sorry.

We're not Boston Catholics.

I know.

I know.

So we don't understand kind of all the

intricacies.

In what Catholic church are you biting a priest's fingers, you weirdo?

Yeah.

There's those ones where they like handle snakes and shit.

What?

You know, the churches where they like pull out snakes and they're like, look at the snake yeah like pentecostal catholics yeah catholic church pentecostal it's all christian right uh the family wants to know if you two plan on speaking we're just gonna do like a type five yeah which which family because i know that this is like boston we're talking about like

yeah we have the like the what was her the five families what was the what was the guy's the last white bulger all the

he had all the different families we're talking about smoots the smoots smoots that's right it's yeah the smoots want to know if you are um gonna speak and if it's gonna be appropriate because you know this is

the funeral we want to be appropriate i'm only asking you guys that because of the way you're dressed um it's not funeral mariachi band outfits yeah

yeah we were gonna sing mariachi band uh which is traditionally pretty much just music but we were gonna kind of like we're gonna kind of like freestyle lyrics on top yeah but you guys are not from mexico so this feels a little culturally insensitive oh no not appropriate for a funeral huh we're gonna free

we're not we're not gonna sing mary ashley songs it's gonna be like a freestyle like jpc said but like hamilton it's gonna be like hamilton oh that's worse i'm gonna give you guys these altar boy outfits um you're gonna have to wear them if you want to speak at the funeral um

put these on uh father yep we just want to make sure we couldn't get the casket open um we just want to make sure she was not open sweater

was she buried in the sweater Actually, I'm not supposed to say anything, but whoever cries the most at the funeral, it's in her will that they get the sweater.

Off her corpse?

No, she's not wearing it now.

She's...

That's what.

Well, answer the first question.

Okay, well, does she

say she wears her?

I'd rather be on her body.

She's the corpse cries hardest.

You weirdo, you pervert.

You want a sweater that's just been on a dead body?

I can get you one.

I feel seen.

Weirdo, pervert.

Someone listens to the show.

Okay, okay.

All right.

That's just, I'm not going to tell you what else is in our will, but she has certain things that she wanted to happen at our funeral.

Hey, Father, and we didn't eat because we thought it said come having had, and we did the other thing.

You didn't eat.

No, we

didn't even have any of the grilled donuts in the parking lot?

The tailgate now there.

We didn't trust those.

Do you have any of those?

They're drinking gin and tonics and eating grilled, frosting donuts.

Do you have any of those priests?

Those thin little wafers.

The wafers?

The neck of the priests the body of christ

no

no we don't we know wafers what that we just want the thin crackers yeah okay well pre-body pre-body

i guess i can give you the wafers but i they're not blessed so they're not the body of christ they're just wafers yeah and they're not gonna fill you up it's like when it becomes the body of christ it's like eucalyptus or something yeah eucalyptus the eucalyptus it goes through the eucalyptus the eucalyptus work eucharists

yeah same thing quality Hey, your party, not mine.

Okay, well.

Yeah.

And you can't have any of the wine.

Oh, come on.

Was this open to the public, or was this invite only?

Because I'm not...

I mean, I'm obviously seeing like Erin's kind of like Boston family, but I'm not seeing like friends.

Did she...

Did she have friends?

Well, she always said that she had competition.

I don't necessarily know.

Did she say that?

No, that.

Yeah, she did.

Yes, yes, she did.

Yes, Father, she did.

I don't necessarily know that she ever called.

Lying is a sin.

Friends.

Oh, well, then Aaron's going to hell, Father.

Hey.

Sorry to say.

Hey.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

That's your question.

Wait, what did she lie about?

Age.

Yeah, yeah.

She died at a very young 33.

You took money.

You took money.

You just lied, Father.

You just lied.

No.

Yeah, and Jesus was 33 too, Father.

Wink.

We all know that.

Yeah, he was.

He was.

Sure.

Wink.

Yeah.

Yeah, 33.

Yeah.

Okay.

He was.

Yeah, and I'm 33.

I'm 36, father.

Wink.

All right.

I don't know what you guys are on about, but the family wanted you to go first.

So

they seem sane.

They're in comparison.

Everybody wanted us to go first.

I understand that her family wanted us to go first, but that's not how it works.

You don't get to pick, like, unless you're like an assassin, you know.

Right.

You guys are not going to continue the podcast without her, though.

That would be insane.

She's sort of the heart of the show.

Oh.

Think of anyone who's someone who could replace her.

Brooke Bright.

Well, yeah, we could do

Olivia Nielsen.

Just anyone that Aaron considered competition, I think, would be a good one.

Okay.

I guess Aaron was on a team with Olivia Nielsen.

That's really good.

Layla Gorstein would also probably be a good one.

Layla Gorstein would be awesome.

Father,

I saw on the program that Mitch is going to carry the casket.

He's the sole pole bearer.

Is that.

Can he?

Yeah, Yeah, Aaron thought it would be funny.

Okay.

She's going to be really high up.

Yeah.

Because he's 6'7.

You know,

I'm going to get, I'm going to just take your seats.

You guys maybe sit in the front row.

Don't bother the family, though.

They're going through enough.

So just

a flash zone.

Yeah.

Yeah, you have to wear

parka.

I thought we would at least make it to the dais.

Do we not get to be up on stage?

No, no.

Unless you're talking.

Okay, so here we go.

I'll pop up.

Oh, go ahead, Father.

Thank you all for gathering here today to celebrate the life and times of Erin Teresa Keefe.

Born in 1991.

Yeah.

November 10th.

Sure, Wink.

In Boston, Massachusetts.

Big laugh from the crowd.

Everyone knows.

Everyone.

Everyone knows.

Everyone knows.

To a loving family.

Big laugh from the crowd.

Mostly from our family.

One, two, three, four, hate Ridgel Riddles Clue Crew.

Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle.