Patreon Preview #326: Steelers Can Be Choosers

You know, a few months ago, we sat here on this very podcast, on this very podcast, Adelina, and I want you to fess up, and I want you to own up to it.

We sat here

and we recorded a whole episode where I read you guys some Danielle Steele titles, and then we improvised scenes based off what we kind of thought those books were about.

And I went back and listened to that episode recently.

And I remember we just picked three random stories, and then we also read some um Goodreads reviews.

And

universally, on each of the Goodreads reviews from the three books that we randomly picked, someone said, This is the worst book I've ever read,

which I thought is so unfortunate for uh for Daniel Steele.

Uh, but then some, and I've long since forgotten uh who sent this to me, but I probably gave him a shout out on our review crew live stream when I when I opened all the mail.

Um, someone sent us a Daniel Steele

book

called The Sins of a Mother, a novel.

And

I went through and read a little bit of this book on my own time.

And I did it in a way that I've never done with a book before, which is just open.

If I were your kid and I saw you reading a Daniel Steele book instead of looking at me, I would never recover.

Aaron,

this is definitely an after-bedtime activity.

Oh, I see.

It's all the Gruffalo when I'm with the kid.

And by the way, the Gruffalo fucking whips.

What's the Gruffalo?

Is this a Sendak creation?

No, it's, oh man, I can't remember the person's name.

I don't believe it.

I thought it was a woman who wrote the Gruffalo.

The Gruffalo is a children's book

from the same person that did Room on the Broom.

Are you guys familiar with Room on the Broom?

That one sounds more familiar.

Okay, the Room on the Broom and The Gruffalo are both two of my favorite of the children's books because they they're like written in rhyme, which I think is like it children's books seem pretty easy to write.

So when they rhyme, I'm like, okay, so this person put in some effort, you know, to put something together here.

But the Gruffalo is about this fucking awesome mouse.

And he goes, he's walking through the forest and all of these predators come up to eat him.

And they're like, hey, man, I'm going to eat you.

And he goes, oh, okay, cool.

I'm just meeting up with my friend the Gruffalo.

And they're like, what the fuck's the Gruffalo?

And they're like, oh, yeah, he's like a horrible monster thing.

And he describes this like terrible monster.

And they're like, I'm meeting him right here.

Oh, and by the the way his like favorite snack is like fox foot and the fox is like oh i gotta get the fuck out of here and the mouse is like stupid fox there's no such thing as a graffilo anyway he does like this to three different animals he's walking through the forest suddenly he comes into contact with the beast he's been describing and it's the fucking graffilo and the graffilo's like hey i'm gonna i'm gonna eat you and he goes you don't want to eat me i'm the most fearsome creature in all of the forest follow me stand right behind me follow me i'll show you he goes back to all those animals and they all see see him and go, oh, I got to get out of here.

But really, what they're seeing is the Gruffalo behind him.

And then the Gruffalo's like, wow, I didn't believe you, but I guess you are ferocious.

And he goes, not only am I ferocious, but my favorite food is Gruffalo Crumble or whatever.

And the Gruffalo's like, whoa, I got to get out of here.

And then the Gruffalo takes off.

And then the mouse eats a nut and he's like, hell yeah.

I'm the king of the forest.

Do mice eat nuts?

I don't know.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I want to enjoy this story.

I'm the funniest dismount from the story I've ever.

I want to enjoy this story so bad.

And I've definitely seen the cover because I've seen, it's like a boar.

He's sort of like, he has fucking a lot of stuff.

He has tusks and knobble knees and toes.

Yeah, I really want to enjoy it, but I don't know if mice eat nuts.

I'm sure they do, but

the adult can't enjoy it.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Also, what is Grufflo?

So he made up a creature named the Grufflo, and then this guy is like, I'm called a Grufflo.

That's like if...

If I'm a caveman and I'm like,

there's something called a sabertoothed tiger, and then suddenly the saber-toothed tiger comes up and goes, That's literally my name.

And I'm like, I made that up.

I think it's that thing where you like tell a joke, and then someone's like, Oh, yeah, that was a tweet.

And you're like, You know what?

Maybe I saw the tweet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think he saw the Gruffalo and then he was like, Gruffalo, got it.

And then he's like, I'm making up this thing called a Gruffalo.

And then, because there might be only one Gruffalo, you know, it doesn't get into it.

But that's then, how does the Gruffalo

exist?

It can't be one of a thing.

It has to be like reproduced.

Maybe he reproduces by the mouse eating the nut and then domestics of shit and a graffalo growth from it.

Come on.

Mark Ruffalo on a buffalo reading the Gruffalo.

Janine Garuffalo with Mark Ruffalo and the Gruffalo on a buffalo.

Room on the broom also slaps.

It's about a witch with a broom and she's very kind and then they trick a dragon.

It's it's and again.

She gets help from animals.

This person's presenting a world in which like animals are like both sly but helpful.

It's very fun.

Anyway, two great children's book recommendations.

I'd recommend Who Moved My Cheese.

It's a beautiful children's book about

just sort of the horrors of adulthood.

Who Moved My Cheese?

Yeah.

Again, I can't stress enough.

It is a children's book.

Okay, here we go.

Here's a little bit of some excerpts from The Sins of a Mother by Danielle Steele.

That's probably true, Amanda, Amanda, and so are you.

The trouble is, I don't want to be married to a man.

I want to be married to a woman, and one who doesn't put my head on a chopping block to get what she wants, or is willing to blackmail my mother.

I don't think she'll take kindly to your letter.

In fact, I'll spare you the embarrassment of sending it to her.

Huh?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, that's

that's just, that's just fucking good drama.

That's just great drama.

Was that the sorry?

Was that the first paragraph?

What were you reading?

That's just a paragraph in the middle of a book.

That's just a random paragraph.

Okay.

Yeah.

I've been reading this book not

linearly.

I've been experiencing it like

the guy from Slaughterhouse 5 experiences.

And so it goes.

I've become unstuck in his Danielle Steel.

That's not, not, not how you're supposed to experience that.

I'm 100% sure.

Start at the beginning so you know there's an end.

Do you know what I mean?

In the morning, Olivia went on deck.

Amanda was already presiding at the breakfast table.

Presiding.

She was wearing pale blue silk shorts with a matching blouse and a very pale blue hat to match.

That sucks.

She was wearing pale blue silk shorts with a matching blouse and a very pale blue hat to match.

Could they just say a matching hat and blouse?

Hey, we used the word match there twice.

Anyway, Olivia was wearing white cotton slacks and a starched white blouse.

Her white hair was impeccably done, and she had a manicure in the salon on the boat the day before.

Amanda looked ready for anything.

Sarah looked sleepy and disheveled when she came up.

She said she had slept like a baby, and all three of the men in the family were still asleep.

Olivia suspected that Alex had stayed up late watching movies in his room.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know about this.

The pros of this is a little rough to read.

I

think we should read one for Review Crew.

We did say that we would read one for review crew.

I think based on the selections that I have read

from this, it would be very difficult to do that that and actually have a good time.

So, of course, we'll end up having to do it for a review crew.

But what we're going to do today on the show is we're going to go back to the Danielle Steele,

the Danielle Steele well, and we are going to improvise some more Danielle Steele stories because she has such a long and prolific career.

She's got so much to draw on.

Do we know if that's her

birth name?

Oh, I didn't know.

I do not know.

It doesn't seem like it could be, right?

Danielle Steele seems like a name that feels like a pen name.

Feels like a penny.

As an author.

I also want to point your guys' attention to the author photo on the back of this book.

I'm going to try to show it to you.

Iconic.

Whoa, she looks like she's in a production of Hamilton.

Look at these heels, first of all.

She's also in a library, it looks like.

It is the messiest library.

I mean, it's just, she's got books stacked up on stairs.

It looks like she's taking a photo in like a hoarder's space.

Like, it doesn't seem, I think she wants it to read classy, but what it reads like is like, what are those stacks of books could fall down and then you would be stuck in your like Parisian house until you're clean.

It's like

you're going to get like Gene Hackman in your own house.

Oh, no.

Sorry.

Terrible tragedy.

But also, why you don't want to stack books up tall like that?

Yeah.

I know that I'm not allowed to pick review crew anymore, but at some point, can we do the Poseidon adventure?

With

Gene Hackman.

Oh.

The movie.

No.

And then I also want to do Ludwig, the new British mystery show, which I think you guys would love.

But I'm in timeout with Review Crew, and I respect the timeout.

Do you?

Because you keep pitching things.

Well, I'm just saying.

Well, what if you just keep it in the back of your mind?

And then by the time October,

when am I out of the doghouse here, guys?

You said three months.

This is self-imposed, Aaron.

So like the fall, basically, you you can call it.

So, September.

All right.

Well, then I'll see you in September.

Okay.

Sounds like a sound.

This is like a kid sitting in timeout and then being like, you know what, slap zebra cakes.

Should we do zebra cakes?

You're like, you're in timeout.

You hit your sister hard.

What if we went to the park?

Doesn't the park sound fun?

Some sunshine, some water.

Is there a new bluey?

I was, wasn't there a new bluey?

What's the day?

Is it Tuesday?

Is there a bluey today?

You know what I could go for?

A Capri sun.

You hit your sister hard.

Hard.

Hard.

No, I froze a pack of gushers and whipped it at her head.

And then I hit her.

Get it right.

One, two, three, four, hate Riddle Riddle Sclue Crew.

Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle.