#359: Serving Grant!

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The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

them were goldfish.

It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an ice agree.

And of course the name ride.

Let's go at 25.

What president was 25 aaron i wouldn't have guessed this but when i saw it it makes sense would you believe it's mckinley

no

i wouldn't

when i saw it it makes sense oh yeah of course mckinley 25.

oh yeah yeah did he get shot mckinley yeah mckinley get shot he was assassinated in 1901

he basically served his whole fucking term mckinley was the one who absolutely would have lived from that bullet.

And they kept him alive for like two months.

And they had, it was 1901.

They had this like dentist who was his like family

quack, uh, like

a bullet in him.

Yeah, yeah.

Because he died.

It took him like a while to die.

And he was like,

this guy was like doing just like quack medicine on him because there wasn't medicine because it was 1901.

So it was a little duck with a stethoscope.

Yeah.

They were like feeding, I think that they were like feeding him soup enemas.

They were like, yeah, the only way to feed him is through the butt and it has to be soup.

What?

I mean, better that than

better that than what, Adolf?

Putting cubes of steak up there.

Well, hold on.

Let's not act crazy.

We all went to college.

How tender is the steak?

Wait, that's insane.

I didn't know that.

Hey, if this is the thing that I'm remembering, I know I listened to a podcast at one point about McKinley's presidential assassin.

Yeah, oh, and his assassin was also like a crazy guy who just, it was, it was like the

guy who shot

or the guy who wanted to kill Joe.

Joe Gosh.

That's his name.

I know that from Assassins.

He was, he was just totally insane.

He was just like, he thought, I think he thought like McKinley would like give him, he thought that if he killed McKinley, he'd be like lauded as a hero and he'd get like a job in the government.

But he was just like a crazy guy who didn't have a job.

And so it didn't work?

Was he the doctor?

People actually were really upset about him doing that.

Oh.

Yeah.

It was at the time where the country was more like, hey, you shouldn't the president.

You know, we're not there now, I don't think.

Believe that.

No, wait, is the episode started?

His song in Assassins is the chill gosh, rickin' man born in the middle of Michigan.

So that's how I know about that.

That sounds right.

Adel, you know how you want JPC to do a walking tour of Chicago that's complete bullshit?

I want JPC to write a book about the presidents, and he's not allowed to learn anything he already doesn't know.

So each page is a different president, and it's him being like, um.

It's a book.

A kid's book.

Yeah.

It's a kid's book, and it's JPC's best memory of each of the presidents.

I read a book about the presidents.

I turned it into my publisher.

They're like, hey.

I got to say, man, this is 42 pages.

I think you missed the presidents.

And also, a book about the presidents needs to be bigger.

I think 42 would be a pretty good amount to remember.

I think that's a lot.

That would be impressive.

Whoa, wait.

Oh, you okay?

So, I have to part of it is I also have to list them in order because I'll tell you what.

I could probably get, if I really sat down to think about it, not doing any research, but thinking about it, I could get all the presidents.

There's no way I would put them in the right order, right?

But, like, what would you say about James Madison?

Uh,

James Madison,

You know, definitely

a southern fop of a man, I believe.

I believe they're all fops.

This is what it says on the page.

Has this episode started?

Does this episode start somewhere in there?

Okay, well, Casey, make sure you bleep that part where I said to

the president.

And again, bleep this part.

I think you actually do have to bleep that part, Casey.

I think you can't.

I think I can't say the president.

Unless I'm talking about the president, which I think I can say.

Like, we should stop we're fucked no matter what we have years and years of us saying stuff so we're pretty fucked I'll just claim that I was saying precedent the whole time and you misheard me Adel do you want me to bring up JPC's haircut or do you want to do it oh go for it oh thank you so much um jpc got a haircut Erin can tell I did it myself you did it yourself I did yeah well Mariah helped uh with the back part that I couldn't see too

um how do you feel it's complete it's all gone.

I shaved my head and it, the, the things that are the strangest about it is this is the, I've had really short haircuts before, but I've never shaved completely.

I can feel like my head feels much sweatier than it did before.

And I guess it's probably because like there wasn't that hair there on top of it to,

I don't know, like block like the sun or whatever so that it wasn't just, you know, there was like a layer.

It's like, I don't know, but it's like, I can like notice my head sweating and I'm like, oh, wow, I've never, I've never felt the top of my head like sweating like that before.

When I wasn't like working out or something.

Or wearing a hat in the hot sun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But even if I wear a hat in the hot sun, it's like, I never feel the top.

I know it must be, but I never feel the top of my head sweating.

I just feel like the sides and, you know, like the part where the sweat like collects or whatever.

Huh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Does hair absorb sweat?

Probably, right?

It seems like it should be absorbent.

Yeah, because like people's hair like gets like stinky when they sweat.

Yeah, greasy and stinky.

Yeah, so it must have.

If it absorbs water, then probably, right?

Yeah, and then the other thing that's completely strange is like if you take taking a shower at night, like before I go to bed, my head is like immediately, instantly dry, and I'm like, oh wow, I can just put my head like right down on this pillow and I don't have to worry about getting my pillow wet like right out of the shower.

That's pretty cool.

I can't even imagine that.

There are some French benefits.

There's some what?

There are some French benefits, which is something that James Madison would very much enjoy.

Maybe.

lordy lordy it's hot here in

south carolina

all i know is there's a president i don't even know his name who had 81 pairs of pants this is great for the book and anytime this president gets brought up they're always like he had 81 pairs of pants Can I get on the book, is this a little like a cartoon of Adel with like his finger up?

Yeah, doing a little blurb on my book.

But it's a did you know on any page because it's not about the president that I'm on because it we don't know what president.

We don't know what's president.

I don't know.

Guys, I'm telling you, this is what I want for my birthday.

I want this book on my desk by my birthday this year.

Oh, Aaron, that's crazy because you were getting nothing.

So now

from going from getting nothing to getting me writing you a book, that's crazy.

Oh my gosh.

Just president collection.

Just president collection.

Yes.

And actually

president collection.

That pants one.

Let's test out who it could be because it can't be a modern president because if you told me like obama had 81 pairs of pants i'd be like okay yeah i'd be like yes of course i mean john hamm was just on a podcast talking about how he has like 38 tuxedos just of course he does um but i but i i know he had mutton chops this president and i feel like the nation freaked out where they're like

it shouldn't it be he had around 80 pairs of pants but the fact that it's 81 specifically is like the nation was hung up on this i i i can feel it if it's like okay so i have 80 pairs of pants like suit pants and one pair of like my weekend pants so he's like that's 81 like 81 is the pants for me 80 is for them yeah that's a lot of pants though i think how many shorts are also called like the dan like he was a dance like everyone's like what a fashionista like we've we have a president who's really just

so like such a clothes whore

aaron you're well i was gonna say that aaron you're probably the most clothes whorey of us but adult probably has way more clothes.

We don't need to add clothes to that.

We can be honest.

You're always giving clothes jobs and clothes.

I'm the group slut.

What was your

question?

Adel, you probably have more clothes than Aaron, right?

But it's not necessarily all clothes that you're wearing.

Yes, they're not in rotation, but

they're

strewn about my floors.

And my mental...

The sort of approach is, I'll wear this someday.

Yeah.

Someday I'll wear this.

And then I hang on to it for eight years.

Like John Hammond is tuxedos.

There's no way in a year he could ever do enough things that required a tuxedo that he needed to have all of those, right?

Exactly.

And here's something I want to bring up.

Please.

Guys, we got one.

We got one.

We got a Pope.

Chicago Pope.

You guys, how have we not talked about Chicago Pope yet?

We got a Pope.

Pope Float, please.

Guys,

I got the Pope.

Immediately started making jokes about how I used to do improv with the Pope on all my group chats.

This is funny.

What do you think the chances are that this Pope is gone by the time this episode comes out?

I'd say

50-50.

80% chance.

He was also, I don't know if you guys saw this, when he was elected Pope, selected Pope, 69 years old.

Nice.

Whoa.

And he was in your five B's, JPC.

He would have been on Devil's Daughter if he got head put on a team.

And I think he's going by Jardinera I.

see.

You guys all had this kind of fun weeks ago, but we're just experiencing Chicago Pope now.

So this might seem.

My favorite tweet, I think it was a tweet I saw was somebody said

he puts the

in Pope.

That's awesome.

Because if you don't know, for anyone, any international visitors in the Midwest, if someone bumps into you or if you're a Midwestern person and you drop something or you're trying to excuse yourself, you go, oh,

oh, oh, sorry about that.

Oh.

I favorite is the Midwestern double thigh slap when you're about to leave.

You're like getting ready to go.

Well,

I looked up a list of all the presidents' photos to try to guess who the 81 pants was.

And I was going to guess Chester A.

Arthur.

And then I was going to suggest we play a game where I name a president and then you guess how he looks.

But guess what?

You would be able to get it right away because they all look the fucking same.

Yeah.

It is crazy.

How'd you search these images?

I went to the Wikipedia list of presidents.

Nice.

And they have all of the photos.

Not photos.

Some are past.

Yeah, because do you remember when people freaked out when Barack Obama became president and he was a black guy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And now we're still kind of paying for it because then they really freaked out and then elected Trump.

One of the reasons why they freaked out so hard that he was a black guy is because it had only ever been white guys.

And so that's why they didn't.

That's why some people

is that why they freaked out.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Some people may have said other stuff, but that's why.

Like, they could have said like difference of opinions.

And you could be like, what's what I mean?

And what they really meant was, I'm racist.

I'm not saying, like, I don't like Obama.

I'm not saying that there's not reasons to like Obama, but when he got elected in 2008,

yeah, I get mad at him because he didn't do anything about gun control.

You're mad at him because you're racist.

I'll be honest with him.

I liked him in 2008.

I voted for him.

It was my first election.

I voted for him in 2008.

2008, I was like, okay, okay, change hope.

Let's do this.

In 2008, Obama won like 40 states or something.

He won Indiana, which was crazy.

Because I don't know if you know Indiana, place I'm from.

Not very good when it comes to their politics.

Thank you for whispering.

You guys, look at these presidents.

This is hilarious.

Zachary Taylor and James K.

Polk

both look equally scary and ridiculous.

Yeah, and James K.

Polk, he was the president.

Was Polk the one that no, that was Martin Van Buren, I think, was English was his second language.

I think that's very funny because I think he was like a Dutchman.

Polk, straight up, has a mullet.

That's a moet.

Yeah.

So these, the first couple, the first handful of presidents, it's all portraits.

It's all paintings.

Do we think?

Except Buchanan.

Buchanan, I think, was shot on a digital Buchanan.

Yes.

Yeah.

It was a DSLR.

That's where we get Canon cameras from.

Exactly.

Drop the Bue.

Wow.

So these, these portraits, do we think when, like, so say George Washington is posing for this?

Right.

beautiful portrait he has.

Yeah.

Do you think after the artist does one, the artist then goes like, let's do a silly one?

Exactly.

He grabs a new canvas and he paints a silly one.

And George Washington's like, ah.

Then he goes, tongue out.

He paints for eight hours and then he goes, oh, your eyes were closed for that one.

Let's, let's do a new one.

Well, Franklin Pierce, you can see that his portrait, if you go and look at these portraits, obviously listeners, you have to look at them.

Franklin Pierce's portrait was redone

because when he had first gotten the portrait done, he had just come back from a vacation in Destin, Florida, and he had his hair done in like beads and braids.

And they were like, well, I don't know if that's going to be like, I know it's your look now.

You're rocking it, but is this going to be your look like for a long time?

It turns out it wasn't.

It was like a vacation thing that he kind of went, but I'm tan.

Do it now.

I look tan.

I took a tin type photo this weekend at the Ren Fair.

Got up to 108 degrees, by the way.

I almost died.

But I didn't know in those old photographs, they have this thing that like clamps the back of your neck so you don't move.

And so they, and then the woman who took the photo did the thing to the back of my neck and then explained how the photo worked.

So me and Zorp were sitting there like, um, ow, ow, ow, ow, can you take a ticket, take it, take it, take it, take it.

I like you say there's a thing that clamps to the back of your neck, and it's just a guy holding you holding you.

Just a guy named Todd being like, stop still.

Stop moving.

Stop moving.

I think it was Chester Arthur.

Oh, Chester Arthur.

Was the pants guy?

Jesse, what were you going to say?

Yeah, that makes sense.

He's got like a weird fashion tie.

He's got the only one that has like a tie that looks like maybe this guy is doing something a little different, you know?

Poor.

Ulysses S.

Grant.

Go ahead.

Ulysses S.

Grant was the first president to be serving a little bit of cunt in his presidential appointment.

Well, let me see.

What number is he?

He's 18.

So it's

serving cunts.

I called him Ulysses S.

Cunt.

Oh, he is for sure serving cunt.

the only, he's the only one who did it.

And then Warren G.

Harding is the only one that's like, let me get my hand in here.

And they're like, hey,

the rest of the guys wanted to put their hand in here.

And he's like, let me do it.

They're like, well,

why?

After

Ulysses S.

Grant, the next president to serve Kunt was George W.

Bush.

George H.W.

Bush was the next president to serve Kunt.

I'm just kidding.

He wasn't saying

mission accomplished there you go okay this this i don't want to talk about it on the podcast but the this is the first time that i'm seeing the presidential portrait for president trump for 47.

i've seen the 45 one before the 47 one looks insane isn't it his mug shot

it looks insane i think it might be his mug shot if you're going through like the like the the oh but we're also watching andor right now which by the time this comes out is completely over um but uh it's it's fun because it's very much about the emperor, but

it's not like the Star Wars movies where like the emperor is not focused.

He's just like talked about, you know, kind of throughout.

But, you know, the emperor started out as a senator before he like took absolute power and became the emperor.

Donald Trump is giving the most like in that 47 picture, like, I will be the undying emperor in a couple of years.

Like, I will shoot Mace Window out a window.

If I find out that Donald Trump shoots Samuel L.

Jackson out a window, I'm like, hey, we got to

join the portrait.

I might join the rebellion.

I might put the pussy hat on and be like,

it's time to go to Yavin 4, everybody.

He's like, that portrait says, I'm building the Death Star right now.

Yes.

It does feel like in the Star Wars universe, 90% of conversations should just be anyone at all being like, have you heard about Darth Vader?

Like,

he choked a guy from two miles away.

In adult, it's like what you said when you were like, get like a fire hose worth of news to the face every morning.

That's what they were dealing with there, too.

They're like, you know what?

For my mental health, I cannot look at my news tablet.

Yeah, it's like it's all Vader.

Yeah.

Like,

it's like, our reality is like, have you heard about Darth Vader?

Yeah, he like.

He got on like a resistance ship and he like killed everybody on the ship and like force choked the pilot and crushed him into a cube.

And our reality is like, hey, did you see like Pete Hagseth sent another dick pic to like a group chat with his mom, a doctor, and like

me,

the Washington Post Bureau chief.

Here's a riddle for you: Pete Hegseth sent a dick pic to his mom, a doctor, and the bureau chief.

Yet he only sent the picture to two people.

How are you possible?

So, his mom's doctor was the father.

I'm looking at these presidents, guys, before we get into riddles, and I am

100% sure that I could

do better

today

than at least 35 of these guys.

At least.

Yeah, I think most people, if you pick them off the street, could do better than 35 of the presidents.

Aaron, I think you would be better.

Thank you.

To do better, you would have to be better.

And I think you should run next year for president with the campaign slogan, be better.

Actually, be best.

I think I got to wait a couple years.

I actually could run for president in 2028.

Oh, yeah, don't you?

I'll be old enough.

Oh,

I completely thought it was old.

I thought it was the height requirement.

Oh, yeah.

Because you're getting the leg, the COVID leg surgery, right?

I am.

I can't wait.

It's going to hurt so bad.

Okay, we are going to do some riddles, but I will say in 2027, I think

we continue to do riddles or whatever this podcast is, but we also hardcore launch a campaign for Aaron Keefe to be president.

It's so funny

because I sometimes think about I, my original plan when I was like applying for colleges, I was like, I'm either going to go for theater or I'm going to go for politics.

And if I go for politics, I'm going to go.

And then maybe I'll go to law school or maybe I'll become a daily show correspondent.

And that was that path.

And then, and, but I think about that all the time.

And I'm like, that would have been.

Because when I moved to Chicago, that was my plan.

I was like, I'm going to do world news and then I'm going to go be on the daily show.

That was my dream.

And then politics kept getting darker and darker.

And I'm like, um,

uh,

I actually don't know if that's like why you don't see women with microphones at Trump rallies anymore.

Like we just it's too dangerous, too scary.

Um, we've had

on stage.

I was like, what the fuck is she talking about?

You meant like

the protest microphone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the bullhorn.

The bullhorn.

We've had presidents run the country like a business air and I think it's time the

country is run like a podcast.

So just a doodle to try to figure out when everyone can

do a recording.

I wonder what it would be like to have a president that does not respond to texts and emails.

I think hey, hey, JPC, your texts, your emails.

Let's get to some warm-up riddles.

Oh, well, let's also say that this is Hay Roderal.

I'm JPC, that's Adelaide.

That's Aaron.

I think maybe

the longest we've ever gone without saying what the podcast is or who we are.

It's okay.

We hadn't seen each other in a minute.

We're catching up.

Yeah.

These are trios.

We've done these before.

It's going to be three things.

They all have one thing in common.

A candy store, a fancy hotel, and Taikowski.

Tchaikowski?

Taichowski.

Taikowski.

Tchaikowski.

A candy store.

Tchaikovsky.

A fancy hotel.

At Taikovsky.

A candy store, a fancy hotel, and Taikowski.

Who's Tchaikovsky?

Taikowski?

Was he a composer?

He was a composer.

And these things all have something in common?

They all have bars?

They don't all have bars, but that's a very good guess.

That's very, very much like a bar.

A fancy hotel will have a piano in the lobby.

I'm assuming Tchaikovsky has a piano somewhere in his house.

Does a candy store have a piano?

Piano is definitely a breadcrumb on the trail to the right answer here.

So definitely think along those lines.

Keys.

But it's something.

It's not keys.

Twizzlers.

Lollipops.

They all have Twizzlers.

White and black.

Is there something with white and black?

No, think about the core thing um so think about a fancy hotel why why are we saying fancy versus a regular hotel what would a fancy hotel have that a reg that like a ramada inn does not have uh no bed bugs

chandelier chandelier

oh uh like no questions asked uh call service for like

you know

the kind of stuff that you like what don't want to say but you want for like an enora situation for like an experience where you could like like get

like an anora experience aaron thank you

anora

uh

let's see sexual pleasure from a sex worker i do want to see a scene what it's not it's not what you think going off candy store and fancy hotel i do want to see a scene um

uh jpc you are a hotel owner this is you have a hotel made out of candy um aaron you have just arrived at the hotel you you didn't know it was going to be made out of candy and you're just sort of like taking in all

the information.

Hello and welcome.

A pleasure to serve.

Checking in?

Hi, yes.

My name is Gretel

Forest.

Sorry, I'm having...

No, it's okay.

Gretel Forest.

Is that two R's?

I'm not finding you in this.

Do you have a reservation?

Oh, I might be under my brother's name, Hansel.

Oh, yes.

Forrest?

Hansel.

Hansel Forest with three R's.

Yes.

Yes, we have you for a

double occupancy, two queen beds.

Is that correct?

Staying with us for...

Oh,

my condolences.

I'm just seeing here in the file that you have been recently orphaned.

You're staying with us indefinitely?

Yes.

Yeah, sorry.

I just...

I stumbled upon a house like this before.

Well, there are no houses like this.

This is the finest hotel in all of the land.

This is...

Actually, I am the owner and proprietor of the hotel.

It is a jewel.

It is unique in that way.

Right.

You do.

Yeah.

Sorry, you just remind me of someone.

Sorry, my brother and I went into this house.

We pushed a lady in the oven

because we thought she was going to cook and eat us.

Now we're scared every day she's going to enact her revenge.

You don't have to tell me this.

And of course, everything you tell me is completely confidential.

We keep all of our guests' secrets, even if they admit to.

As long as they're not planning on doing something like this in the future, if if it's a past crime that they have admitted to, it's so I'll just grab the Wi-Fi info and breakfast starts at six.

Breakfast starts whenever you want to take a bite, and it's candy for breakfast.

Oh, that's kind of fun.

Don't, if you're going to eat candy or eat pieces of the hotel, might I recommend you don't eat anything that is floor or walls because that's something that people usually touch.

Ceiling, easy to eat, and easy to to replace so if it's floor or walls it's gonna be dirty candy great and yours because it's all candy right yes even the bed

the hotel is made of candy right

the stuff inside i'm typing on a computer right now

yeah the stuff inside the hotel is no

oh okay How would it, how would an elevator made of candy work?

I don't know.

Like the same way a hotel made of candy would work oh i am so sick of this

shit

that was definitely the witch grand opening grand opening first guest

a candy store a fancy hotel and taitowski the witch's house was made of candy but like she had like an oven and stuff in a cauldron it was made of candy that was all made of candy i don't know bitch

oh adult what is the answer to this?

It's insane to go into someone's house, start to get suspicious, and then

push them in an oven just to

be safe.

Yeah.

Just in case.

Yeah, because we don't know what you try to cook them.

Yeah, if you told me that story and you did not mention like the fairy tale aspect of it.

Yeah.

You just talked about how it's like a home invasion, they push someone in the oven, I would be like, oh, this is like a person suffering from like a mental break.

Yes.

And you're like, no, they were children and the house was candy.

I'm like, okay, well, the detail, I just can't with this.

I can't, I can't absorb what this story is.

It's got, I have too much context for this.

But she was a witch, Your Honor.

I think.

I candy store a fancy hotel, Taitowski.

I think,

and I, I, I very much apologize.

I feel like we're going to get a lot of comments on how I'm pronouncing Taitowski, but I just don't care.

Um, a fancy hotel, I think, is what we really need to examine.

So, again, what does a fancy hotel have that a random hotel has?

A pool.

And think about like the upper floors, probably.

Penthouse.

Is it true?

Balcony.

Penthouse.

Penthouse, but you might call it this.

Sweet another.

Sweet.

Yeah.

Oh, but she took a lot of black for being a witch, but like she wanted to eat the kids, right?

She was a cannibal.

Well,

hold on.

If I'm thinking,

JPC, she expressed interest in maybe having a nibble, if permissible.

I think she wanted them to eat the candy and then she wanted to eat them.

I forgot.

Adult's trying to get on the Army Hammer podcast, so he's not.

Yeah.

He's trying to be as loose as he can with the term cannibal because it doesn't actually apply to people who just maybe have like talked about wanting to try.

Army, thank you so much for having me on Hammering Home.

Is that the name of it?

Arnie Army.

Arnie Army.

Army.

Arnie Army.

He's worried about it.

And you're the heir to the Army Hammer Fortune Company?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Otto, can I have another riddle?

Because that one kind of kicked my ass.

Yes.

And just sort of a liar-liar situation, Aaron, you might say.

A candy store, a fancy hotel, Tchaiteski.

They all have sweets.

That's sort of just to wrap that one up.

Absolutely.

You got it, Aaron.

Good job.

This will be a football playbook, a football playbook, a love letter, and Hollywood Squares.

Excellent.

Okay.

A Louis Anderson.

They all have Louis Anderson.

Dang, I'm bad bad at this.

All right, guys, we're going to run a Hail Mary Louis Anderson.

Top 10 receivers on the board.

Aaron, you got half of it.

You said they all have.

X's and O's.

They all have X's and O's.

That's square.

I would like to see a scene.

JPC, you are our football coach, and you're explaining a play to us that you came up with yesterday.

All right, everybody.

We're going to try something.

It's just practice today, okay?

So, you know, the game's on Sunday.

We practice like it's the game.

I had a dream last night.

And are you guys familiar with

it's like the type of dream where like you can kind of control what's happening?

Lucid dreaming, coach.

Lucid.

Lucid dreaming, coach.

Yeah.

So I had my first, I've been trying to do it for a while.

I had my first lucid dream last night.

Woo.

And we were all, yep.

Steve, you were there, Derek, we were all on the field, and I was coming up with these brilliant plays.

And when I woke up, the second I woke up, I started writing them all down.

I started writing them all down, okay?

Oh, yeah, give it to us, Coach.

What is it?

What is it?

For the first play, so it looks like the football field, but it's like not the football field.

Like, it's way longer.

Okay.

So that'll be important.

So it'll be like longer, like, it'll be like a hundred miles.

So we'll have to like stop as we're running downfield.

We'll have to like stop and like stay at like a hot hotels and stuff.

Coach, this sort of sounds like this is dream logic and won't necessarily apply to the kind of plays we need to win a game.

Hey,

you are O-line, okay?

You're not the quarterback.

QB1, you can speak in the huddles.

O-line, don't speak in the huddles.

But I'm the captain coach.

QB1 here.

I see on page 14,

play 48, it says that I am to snap the ball and then

hover three inches off the ground for about 45 minutes.

It's not 45 minutes, it's 45 seconds.

So this is called the Serpent on the Mound.

So what it is, you're going to snap the football in half,

hand it to the serpent on the mound, hand it to the people on either side of you, okay?

They're going to take those footballs, snap them in half.

National,

we have eight footballs on the field.

My math works out there.

Everybody's going to be throwing footballs, okay?

Coach, on page seven, this diagram says all my teeth are supposed to fall out, and then I have to take an English test again that I failed when I was in high school.

Don't worry about it.

Don't dwell too much about the teeth and the test.

The teeth fall out, but shark teeth replace them.

Shark never run out of teeth.

They're just always pushing, pushing, pushing, growing back, growing more teeth, growing more teeth, growing, more teeth.

And then the English test is on Huck Finn, so it's easy.

You know, painted the fence or whatever.

I'm supposed to be one.

I'm supposed to get back with Deborah, but she's a car now.

And it says that happened in your childhood best friend's kitchen.

So, this one sucks because I had just seen the movie Cars for the first time.

So, Lightning McQueen was going to be in a ton of these plays, but that's okay.

Okay.

Here's one called Wow.

So, Lightning McQueen, you start driving down the field, and it's long, like 100 miles.

So, you're going to have to stop for gas.

Hey, coach, we need to start the game.

Sorry, me and the other refs, we got to start the game.

Oh, my God.

Have I been talking for a whole day?

Yeah.

All we were doing.

Hey, it's me, your mom, the ref, your mom.

Okay.

But I'm made of gold.

What's going on with you?

And we all start floating up to the ceiling.

See,

it was a dream the whole time.

Inception.

Within a dream.

A scene within a scene.

Inception.

A ladder, a mountain, a fish.

Things that you climb, things that you do high.

Aaron, things that you climb is so close.

Just maybe another word for that.

Oh, things that you wrung out.

No, but I like that as well.

You ever wring out a fish?

She catches

her twist it, get all the water out.

You don't want to eat the bones of a fish.

If you want that meat, you got to wring out the bones.

It's going to break.

We'll be right back.

Can't believe that worked.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Aaron, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

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And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website.

Like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

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Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys in like your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics, JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive, built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic.

We've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com slash Riddle for a free trial.

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JPC, why don't you do a flip ollie over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

JPC, you know how not too long ago Aaron was a car.

We don't really need to dwell on it.

Sometimes you're asking yourself weird things like, why didn't they teach us this in school?

I feel that way almost anytime I'm dealing with money.

Amen.

Famously, I'm very bad with money.

Famously, you're very good with money.

That's why I'm giving my kids, a.k.a.

my cats, a head start on their money skills with acorns early.

Now, if I know your cats, they're going to take those acorns, put them outside your door, and then feed them to squirrels so they can watch squirrels going outside of your door.

But children, human children, they're very different.

They have different learning patterns than cats.

We're getting wildly off topic.

Erin used to be a car.

That's why she's not here.

But that's been resolved at this point.

So we don't have to worry about that.

Mostly been resolved.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

This is something that I am going to be gifting to friends, that I myself hopefully one day will be gifting to a child and again to my cats.

Start with the in-app chores tracker.

Teach your kids or cats the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set up their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

And you could maybe be like, hey, let's set a goal that you save up to buy, I don't know, like a car one day.

Yes, because it is legal to buy a car.

Yes.

Even if it is or was a human at some point, because if it's now a car, it's fine.

And there's no laws against that.

Plus, kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's spending limits and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

I have played around with the Acorns Early app.

So it's still a little early for my child, but I really love the features.

I really love how simplified it is.

I actually think that it can make learning about money fun and engaging.

And I think that those are very important things.

It's also really important to like demystify, you know, the money.

You know, money isn't something that's like,

you know, dirty or dangerous or something.

And it's just like a tool like anything else that we use to exist in society.

And I think that Acorns Early is a great way to introduce children to that.

Absolutely.

Hey, JPZ.

Do you notice, even though Erin's not a car anymore, that sometimes when she sneezes, it sounds like Vroom?

Yeah.

And sometimes when she,

not to be indelicate,

farts, it sounds like Hong Kong

passes gas.

It sounds like Hong Kong Hong Kong Hong Kong Kong.

Yes.

And then I immediately want to get anyway ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn save and spend get your first month on us when you head to acornsearly.com slash hey riddle or download the acorns early app that's one month free when you sign up at acornsearly.com slash hey riddle acorns early is issued by community federal savings bank member fisc pursuant to license by mastercard international free trough for new subscribers only subscription fee starting for five dollars per month unless cancel terms supply at acorns.com slash early terms aaron's not a car take control of your money

ah Aaron Keith, JPC, have a seat.

Welcome to dinner.

Fun.

Fun.

And this is gratis, right?

I want to say

potatoes.

Ah, gratis.

Yes, the potatoes are free, but the meal is exquisite and the finest.

Hey, Aaron, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

This is tempo.

It's all tempo.

Oh, it smells so good.

That's why it smells so good.

Add, can I tell you how grateful I am for this?

Yes.

This season, this like back-to-school season, always has a wave of busyness, leaving very little room for me to like cook for myself and make nutritious meals.

So, like, this means so much.

Oh, Aaron, I agree.

Tempo serves up fast, feel-good, single-serving meals that are crafted to cook in just three minutes.

A minute for each of us, so you can eat well without sacrificing taste or convenience.

Wait, should the chef, should the chef be saying?

Because I can hear that.

That sounds like the chef is serving.

With new recipes each week that are made with real ingredients and nutrient-rich, they make it easy to keep up a healthy lifestyle.

Look, I know about Tempo's perfectly portioned lunches and dinners that take the guesswork out of eating well.

They're fully prepared and they can be heated in the microwave in just three minutes.

I just thought this was like a fancy French dinner and potatoes are gratin and all that stuff.

Am I out of line here?

You can make it customized to you, monsieur.

Protein-bagged, gallery-conscious, carb-conscious, and fiber-rich.

Bonjour, bonjour.

Bonjour, bonjour.

Some of my favorite meals.

Bistro-style garlic Dijon chicken with green beans and roasted tomatoes.

Valala.

That sounds good, yeah.

With chef kiss.

Well, I just call it kiss, I guess, not chef kiss.

Also, oh, beef barbacoa rice bowl with poblano cream sauce and corn.

My favorite woman, barbaroa.

It's weird to say corn in a French accent.

Kyron.

Also, don't say my favorite woman there.

My favorite woman.

Look, all I know is that for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listener 60% off your first box.

So go to tempo meals.com/slash riddle.

That's tempo meals.com/slash riddle for 60% off your first box.

Tempo Meals.com/slash Riddle R-I-D-D-L-E, rules and restrictions may apply.

Bonjou, bonjou,

bonjou, a bonjou.

I don't know you say, say it to him now, and goodbye.

Bonjou, bonjour, and my favorite woman is no in the ad

Okay, we're back and we still have this to solve.

A ladder, a mountain, a fish.

These three things have something in common.

Aaron, they're climbed is

very, very close.

The climate goes up, swims up is

you might do this to a ladder.

You might do this to a mountain.

You might do this if you're cooking a fish.

Brine.

You would brine a ladder.

I mean, this is one of the first things you do to a fish.

Absolute first things you do.

Well, maybe after killing.

Hopefully.

Debone.

Oh, very close.

But even before you get to the bones, you got to do something else.

Scale.

These are all things you scale.

Guts out.

Escale.

JPC, Aaron and I are interviewers.

You are the first fish to climb Everest, and we're getting this with the press conference.

Over here,

oh my god.

Hi, from the London Observer, but

I don't have an accent.

What was the hardest part about climbing the mountain?

It's horrible.

It's fucking freezing.

Are you kidding?

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Okay.

Dwayne DeGure, Epoch Times or Epoch Times.

I don't really know.

I have a question.

Did Did you think that there would be more salmon up there?

Yeah.

And is that why you went?

Okay.

Yeah.

A follow-up question.

Why?

Because something's broken in my sword.

Sorry, I'm so cold.

I need.

We're at base camp.

Yes.

We're back down the mountain at this point.

I know, but like,

I mean, that's why I stayed so fresh is I was so cold up there.

Holy crap.

Can we do something?

Can we help you warm up?

Would it help if we dunked you in some hot hot oil?

Tea?

I see what's happening.

No, you can't cook me, okay?

I climbed up the mountain because I thought my whole school was going up there.

Turns out that was not the case.

I'm feeling a little off.

I don't know where they are.

I'm supposed to be with them.

It's actually, I'm out like $150,000.

It's expensive to climb Mount Everest.

Also, there's a long line at the top, and that was pretty stressful.

Yes.

Hi, Todd McFarlane, Creator Respawn.

I had a question.

You have a little bite out of you.

What happened there?

Okay.

All right.

Don't judge.

I got a little lost.

I got sort of, what is it called when you feel sick from not enough air?

Altitude sickness.

I got altitude sickness.

I got a little hungry.

The sun came out.

It's kind of beating down on me.

I smelled how I smelled.

The sweat had made me salty.

Speaking of a sweat made me salty, I'm sorry, Jerry Curl, Playboy Magazine.

America wants to know, while you were up there, did you breed?

Um.

Did you spawn?

Well, if you do go up there and you do see a bunch of dead baby salmon,

you know, I don't need to answer this question.

Oh.

So did I lay eggs up there?

Fine, sure.

Let's do one more.

Let's go with a break.

Let's do one more of these.

This is eggs, bricks, and carpets.

Eggs, bricks, carpets.

And I'll even add Aaron Keefe.

These are all things that need to be whisked away.

These are things that practice one a vacation.

Eggs, bricks, and carpets.

Aaron, when's the last time that you were whisked away?

I don't think ever.

Wow.

What constitutes being whisked away?

Usually, you're sort of like whisked off your feet.

The expression I read most often is, I was whisked off my feet.

So I think.

Kidnapped?

Well, no, I don't think.

I think it, like, what it would need is

you, like, leave your place.

Like, you walk out your front door, and someone is standing leaning against a car.

It doesn't have to be a convertible, it would help.

With a jacket

over one shoulder, um,

and they're they're probably either wearing sunglasses or they have sunglasses, but they're definitely holding tickets, right?

They have tickets to something, and they're just smiling.

And then you look at them, and without seeing what the tickets are, you know what the tickets are for.

And In Your Eyes is playing on their

car speakers.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

What with Al.

Is that the like?

Inside your eyes.

Wait, now my brain is combining those songs.

Stop it, Adel, stop.

All my instincts is

inside of your eyes.

That really hurt my brain.

Inside your eyes.

Yeah, I think whisked away is like if someone is like,

grab your passport, baby.

We're going to Paris this weekend.

I have it it all figured out.

No, I've not been whisked away.

I'm the one who usually plans the trips in my life.

I'm the one who books things and finds things.

But I would love to be whisked away.

I had one birthday where the night before I went to bed, Gemma was like, pack a bag.

Here's everything you need.

And it was like,

you know, 10 items or something.

So I packed, it was, it was a, she's like, pack a bag for one day.

Here's the things you, you, you definitely should put in your bag.

And then we walked to the air line and then we got on the l line we got to o'hare and then she was kind of smiling and it's like where are we gonna go and i was like are we going to chilies trying to guess it was we just went to chili's too she was like pack a um set of utensils of cutlery um but we ended up going to new orleans for the day and it was such a it was such a delight to be like i'm at the airport i don't know where i'm going It was very, very fun.

So I had to.

You got whisked.

I got whisked, baby.

There's all those big posters at the airport being like, look out for the signs of whisk, of people being whisked.

Learn the hand signals, learn the codes to know if

you're miming a big mixing bowl and then doing the sort of stirring motion.

A guy on vacation, his wife's so excited, and he's like doing the hand signs to people to see if anyone's like, Excuse me, sir, do you want to go to New Orleans today?

Do you want to go to New Orleans today?

Did you want to watch football?

Eggs, bricks, and carpets all have something in common.

Think about eggs.

Fibers.

They all have fibers.

Think about

what are done to eggs before we can enjoy them.

Cracked.

But even before they're cracked.

They're shoved out of a bird's cloaca.

100%.

JPC, you nailed it, but what's that term called?

Being born.

Yeah, but we don't say born.

We don't say my chicken boringly.

Laid.

Oh, they're laid.

These are all things that are laid.

Eggs, bricks, carpets.

I'd like to see a seed.

Adult and JPC, you guys are chickens.

Adel, JPC is your chicken best friend, and you are kind of panicking and confiding in him that you laid a brick instead of an egg last night.

Oh, wait, wait, before, God,

you know, I just gotta, I have to like organize this because it's, you know, I am having a ton of sex.

Okay, it's just so late.

It's just like

I'm going through all of this shit and I just can't find the fucking, you know, it's like, because I have it, I have like, I could do like covered and come, I could be like, oh, yeah, but but that's not the right one, or I could be like unrelated and out of meat, but that's not like I have why do you never use adults?

I have a mother who listens.

Adult never says, Adel, okay,

I mean, I guess like Adult could be like, I have sex, sounded smooth, and so, but you know, it's like, yeah, I don't play one of yours, smart guy.

Mine are nothing.

I mean, mine are, oh, I was bitten by a Cloica.

Okay, that one would have.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's the only one that applied.

That's the only one that made sense.

Casey, can you help me set up a soundboard this week?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm so, and you know, I hate to ask you, but

I'm the frog and did a Z.

GBZ, will you make that whole thing a clip?

Yeah.

Casey, will you set up my soundboard this week?

Okay, I'd like to see my scene now.

Okay, can you restate what it was?

Because obviously I was.

Well, obviously I was looking for we're chickens your chicken best friends adult is confiding in you because he laid a brick last night instead of an egg and he's panicking got it

oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy hey bob hey bob hey bob hey suze what's going on oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy hey last night uh you know i um i did a thing we all look forward to doing and uh went a little sideways oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy uh

okay i'm I'm not following you, Sean.

I laid a brick.

I laid a brick.

McBrick.

Oh,

you were playing basketball last night?

I didn't hear it.

Yeah, well, yeah.

I was playing.

Yeah, I guess I missed the invite.

Was it just chickens or were roosters?

It doesn't matter.

It was the N1 mixtape tour.

The professor was there.

Got it.

Oh, you laid a brick.

Well, that sucks.

I mean, yeah,

if it was the N1 mixtape tour, probably a lot of people saw it too.

Well, hey, you know what?

People don't remember that stuff after it happens.

It might be like in a video or whatever, but I'm

everybody, it happens to everybody, you know.

But after the game, I got so nervous I thought I'd, you know, sort of give birth, and I, okay, I pushed out a brick,

so I laid bricks, and then I pushed out a brick.

I'm sorry, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You pushed a brick out of your body?

Like instead of an egg.

Like you laid a brick.

Hold it.

Touch it.

Oh, my God.

This is like a standard size brick.

Right?

This came out of you.

This is as big as you.

It's thicker than you.

It's heavier than you.

Yeah.

There's no way this came out of you.

I tried to put it back in.

I even laid next to it, and I'm like, the corners would stick out of my mouth.

I see what's happening.

I see what's happening.

You tried to put it back in.

Bro.

Okay.

Yeah.

Hey.

We all get lonely.

You know?

Seed, seed, seed.

I forgot that I could pull the ripcord on that.

Good.

She's a brick and I'm chicken sex toy.

That is what that song is about, and it's actually pretty sad.

Aaron Spencer came out and said it's about a chicken masturbating with a brick.

I think it's pretty obvious when you listen to the lyrics, Aaron.

If you hear the lyrics about him sitting in the waiting room and getting nervous, it's like about a chicken.

No, that's what the luckiest is about.

You guys don't listen to him.

That's Aaron.

That's the cluckiest.

It's about a chicken.

The cluckiest.

I have told that a lot.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Henfold's five.

Henfold's five.

They're all to stop

and fall.

Remember, guys, remember a few episodes ago, we said that we might do an episode where it takes us two years because we're putting so much time and effort and production value into it.

We even said we hire a Rick Rubin, Rick Rubin type

to bring us to his Shingri-Law minimalist studio and give us Zen-like wisdom.

What if we do in two years, we release a Ben Folds album that's Henfolds 5 and it's all

weird owl-esque parodies, but it's all chicken stuff.

And after we do that, we promise we'll disappear forever.

You'll never hear from us again.

I think, at all, if we did that, I think that people would be genuinely pretty upset.

I think that people would be pretty upset.

No.

Oh, interesting.

Upset in a good way.

Huh.

I've heard.

And what?

And what?

Yeah, and what?

There's an old man who lived to his 90s and one day passed away in his sleep.

And his wife,

Was the luckiest even on an album?

Passed away.

The Ascent.

As far as like is the luckiest, is that on an album?

I thought that that was like a non-album Ben Folm song.

Just Ernest Chicken.

No, what is what?

I can't think of another Ben Folmey.

No, no, no.

It's on Rock in the Suburbs.

I forgot.

Yes.

Yeah.

No, he just has the one.

You don't know me

at all.

From the Over the Hedge soundtrack?

Is that from Over the Hedge?

He did a song for the Open.

What's his song that he wrote for his daughter?

I remember being so sweet.

I don't want to turn it into a chicken song.

Is it off the suburbs?

Rock in the suburbs?

It's called Gracie.

How does that go, though?

Well, I don't know, Aaron.

You're going to have to listen to it, and you're going to have to work for two years on a Ben Folds chicken album and then put it out and then have people be like, hey, man, what's going on?

Are you okay?

What is this?

I'll start a Kickstarter and we'll see how many people are clamoring for a Ben Folds chicken parody album.

Annie Waits turns into a farm.

People start stealing from the Kickstarter.

That's That's how much they don't want it to exist.

Carrying Kathy, about the same.

We'll figure it out.

Hey, we'll figure this out.

Here's what we're doing.

We'll figure it out.

What type of transportation has 10 wheels but can only carry one person?

What type of transportation has 10 wheels but can only carry one person?

Unicycle.

Stacked up on a bunch of other unicycles with one guy at the top of it.

Okay.

10 unicycle cycle cycle.

Okay, Davisy, you can leave the class.

Thank you.

You've passed, Aaron.

Um,

what type of transportation has 10 wheels but can only carry one person?

A bike.

It's not a bike.

Bikes usually have one or two wheels.

Is this

a okay?

It's got 10 wheels.

You said 10 wheels?

10 wheels.

So is this like a

person?

I'm going to say like in a European city, like a Parisianer, who is taking, like transporting eight wheels of cheese home from their like cheese shop on a bike?

Ah, GPC, you got it.

Ratatouille.

There's two wheels plus eight wheels of Romage.

Can you believe that there is not a single character in the movie Ratatouille named Ratatouille?

What the fuck?

That's insane.

What the fuck?

That is, there's also no character in Toy Story named Toy Story.

What are we doing?

Why is the mouse not named Ratatouille?

In Rugrats, they have names like Tommy.

There's no Rugrat in Rugrats.

Truly sucks.

I mean, we got to do something about these fucking Hollywood types.

Yeah, I'm tired of it.

Naming conventions for movies.

I'm tired of it.

What transportation has Tommy?

I already got it.

But get only Gary Woodbury and besides a French person carrying wheels of chills.

So, think of these wheels being smaller than what you're probably picturing.

So,

there's also wheels is like a type of like, it's like macaroni for kids.

Like, it's like, hey, it's wheels.

It's like a fun shape of a noodle.

And how does it sound?

What?

Oh, cool.

Oh, yeah, cool.

Oh, craft the cheesiest Velveeta cheese.

Oh, macaroni wheels.

Annie's, Annie's luxury mac and cheese.

And let's go on a break.

Let's go to a mental break.

What type of transportation has 10 wheels?

Here's what I'll say.

I was in the grocery store the other day, and I was walking down the mac and cheese aisle.

Not really my thing, but it's on the way to the beans.

And I saw there were like three new brands of mac and cheese that I've never fucking heard of.

Was anybody clamoring for this?

Did anyone need more like additional mac and cheese brands on the market?

Aaron, is this stand-up or what is this?

yeah i yeah

i think it's really pre-planned who are the people who are asking for more mac and cheese wait i feel like people are clamoring for more mac and cheese really yeah because because craft is

craft is nostalgia based like yeah you eat it you're like this reminds me of childhood but it is fairly like watery and the cheese is thin and it's yeah it's not like super tasty annie's is fine but it tastes like you're eating healthy mac and cheese okay i feel like we need a third option that's like a little more luscious and dense.

I got news for you.

We got a third option, a fourth option, and a fifth option.

They got the brands.

The mac and cheese is there for you.

Yeah, I feel like it's popular enough of a

food staple that we need more options.

Isn't it crazy that we say food staple?

But if you try to eat staples, the doctor will tell you they have cut up your not a universal experience.

Just you.

Yeah, I can afford a doctor okay i get sorry aaron sorry that i have health insurance okay then that i go to the doctor because i ate too many staples because i read it in a book about staples that i said oh it seems like rice and staples are two things that people could eat to kind of like keep a healthy kind of what huh huh was i talking or who was i think i don't remember um is it a clock

can't ride a clock though You could ride a clock.

You'd get some weird looks.

This type of transportation with 10 wheels is usually going to be seen uh for for us we would most likely see it a lot during like uh the summer

during the summer maybe on the probably on the sidewalks some kids some teens maybe some adults who think they're really cool in their head skateboard uh we're getting real close roller in blades uh aaron it is rollerblades or inline skates five wheels on each blade i truly could not have told you that roller skates had five wheels on them.

I think

most inline skates do, right?

Like, oh, inline skates is what is in a line, right?

Because, like, the roller skates are like four wheels, right?

Roller skates are four and four, yeah.

Okay.

Total.

But roller blades or the inline skates, I think typically have five and five.

Why do they have five?

Why not four?

Is it just because it has to be like longer than your foot or something?

Or

hey, you can tell.

I've never skated once in my life on skates.

I've skateboarded, but I've never, I've never, I think I've put on roller skates maybe twice, but I've never had

inline skates.

I've never done inline.

I used to go to roller, like roller rinks all the time for professional parties.

I mean, roller rinks were the place to be.

You don't see them a lot anymore, I don't think.

There's one sort of by me in Los Angeles that I went to.

But I don't know.

I don't know.

Like, it's fun to watch people who are good at it, but it, I don't know.

I don't necessarily have the most fun doing it.

It's fun when they turn on, they'll put like a disco ball down that maybe they'll put on black light or something.

You go to this little window and a guy sells you a box of Alexander the Grapes for

a dollar.

Yeah.

You're having fun.

You get some nachos.

It's a good time.

To me, when I see people going fast on like rollerblades, it's the same as like when I see a person on a motorcycle.

I'm like, oh, I mean, like,

you're dead.

Like, you're going to die.

it shows like a level of trust in the society that we live in.

That I'm like, hey, have you seen the society that we live in?

Like, you're going to get killed.

And someone's going to kill you and not even think twice about like, they're going to kill you on their phone.

Can you imagine like taking someone's life and you're just like scrolling?

Like, you're like, that's the.

Anyway,

I always said that motorcycles is the number one thing I will not budge on in dating.

Other than like being a bad person, but I, like, in terms of other stuff, I will never date someone who rides motorcycles would you get on a motorcycle no never in any context yeah there's like i don't think i can't think maybe if i'm like taking a picture if there's like a motorcycle like those like things you put quarters in outside of a grocery store maybe i'll get on that and go riding horse a riding horse motorcycle aaron what about who don't wear helmets are drive me insane yeah yeah what about guys just in general what about guys on mopeds pops wheelie falls off moped falls on me i'm fine all right back to the hospital they know us already because of jpc and all those staples

yeah the hospital knows us i have a family member who's a speech pathologist for traumatic brain injury or was for a really long time and i getting on a motorcycle is so stupid people who like there's enough chaos in this world when you were past 25 and you were inviting chaos in on the daily

what are you doing stop they're courting something they're courting something that we can't possibly understand all right I blame the movies.

Yeah.

But The Great Escape, what's the movie?

He looks so cool on a motorcycle.

Steve McQueen.

Terminator 2 has a big motorcycle scene.

What are like the big motorcycle movies?

What's the one Beyond the Pines or something?

Wild Hogs.

Wild Hog with Martin Lawrence and Tim Allen, I believe.

What else?

What are the cool motorcycle movies?

I feel like there's like cool motorcycle scenes in movies, but I don't know if that there's like a lot of cool motorcycle movies.

A torque, I guess.

That was the most they tried to do motorcycle fast and the furious.

Adam Scott was the bad guy in it.

What's the one?

There's one with

who played

Joseph Gordon Levitt played like a

bike delivery guy in New York City.

But he was on like a bicycle, right?

He was on a bicycle, but it's one of the most stressful movies I've ever seen because he's just the whole movie, he's going like 80 miles an hour on a bicycle.

It threw New York traffic, and you're just like, please stop, please stop.

Yeah.

50 feet.

It's really stressful.

Let's do one more.

50-50.

Riddle.

Yeah.

There's a fruit bowl on grandma's table containing two types of fruit.

If you jumble the letters of one, you can spell the other.

What are the two fruits?

Apple and Papal, baby.

Apple and Paple.

Would you

like to bananas?

Manner and bananas.

Pear.

There's a fruit bowl on grandma's table containing two types of fruit.

If you jumble the letters of one, you can spell the other.

What are the two fruits?

Peach.

Watermelon.

Grape.

Aaron.

Watermelon.

Hey, again, Mark Zuckerberg, drop the water.

Melon.

Lemon and melon.

Lemon and melon.

What?

She has a fruit bowl on her table that has lemon and melon in it?

Yeah, I want to say a single.

She can't live alone anymore.

No, I'm sorry, grandma.

It's time.

Yeah.

And there's no shame in it.

It's just you can't take care of yourself because you're making lemon melon salad.

I like a, would you like a little melon?

It's like, no.

I do want to see a scene.

The two of you are, I can't think of anything except for there's a Wallace Sean play called Aunt Dan and Lemon.

So you two are going to be two

like octogenarian women sitting on a park bench and your names are melon and lemon.

And you're just sort of like people watching and sort of taking in the day in your own weird way.

So where's this crow that you think looks like your dead husband?

Yeah, well, he'll be here.

He's not always here.

This is just kind of his

area.

Hey, you're boguing the Dr.

Pepper Slurpee.

Well,

give me some.

Give me some Dr.

Pepper Slurpee.

My teeth are in there.

That's dibs.

Oh, I thought you were cleaning them.

Well, Dr.

Pepper is caustic, so it will clean dentures.

Yeah.

And it will make your mouth taste good when you put them back in.

Okay, so when we see the crow, he looks just like my dead husband.

Be cool.

I will take, I will take first pass if he's not.

Wait, what do we mean?

Be cool.

I thought you were just trying to show me that this crow sort of had the essence of your husband.

What do you mean, be cool?

No, he's nothing like him.

He just looks a lot like him.

Are we here to hit on a crow?

I'm not not here to hit on anything.

I'm here.

Coffee's for closers.

Dr.

Pepper's slurpees are for closers.

I'm here, I'm here to seal the deal with that crow, and you can back up.

You can play cleanup.

You are always the looker, Melon.

You can play cleanup if

I can't get the job done.

I'm just saying.

You want to try to make a pass at this crow, and if it doesn't work, you want me to hit on it?

Yoda said there is no try, okay?

See

that was a scene from the new play, Glenn Mellon, Glenn Lemon.

Dr.

Pepper's.

I know a play.

Well, that is our episode.

Thank you to all the presidents we mentioned.

Yeah, thanks.

Thank you to Henfolds 5.

Very excited for this album.

And to all our sponsors, too.

And to all our sponsors.

Aaron, do you have anything to plug or promote?

The only thing I want to say is that I looked up the lyrics to Gracie, and it's going to work really well for our Henfolds 5 because the first lyric is, you can't fool me.

I saw you and you came out.

So it's him singing a song about an egg.

That's right.

That's great.

That's what I have to plug.

And I'm doing okay.

Atoll, what do you have to plug?

I want to plug our Patreon.

Check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash heyriddleriddle, I believe.

The whole shebang.

Also, we have a 10 city tour up so excited for that we'll probably um sing some of the henfolds five songs there just a little preview a little update for the tour uh chicago and twin city shows coming up uh at the end of this month um the twin city show is dangerously close to selling out uh i can't say one way or the other that we'll add another show if that one does sell out but that's not not a possibility um but do get your tickets if you're holding out for that twin city shows get your tickets soon because they are they are very close to selling out um and then later in the month portland uh seattle and la also all of those shows kind of getting close to selling out so i would get your tickets uh soon um but the la show is live streamed so you can see that from anywhere and i will say that that is not close to selling out it's actually possible i think the only way we could sell out of the live stream shows that if everyone in the world bought a ticket um that might then that then if we sold more than that i'd say Something's fishy.

Something fishy is going on here.

Let's get an IT person to check that.

And then what are we?

Denver, Philly, DC, Boston, New York City, all later in the year and all still have tickets available?

Yeah, Denver, take your time.

Uh, JPC, do you have anything to plug or promote?

Uh, no, I think that's pretty much it.

Hell yeah, how Jupiter,

not gonna make anybody work really hard.

Amen.

Thank you for

starving Gareth Keenan

and John Patrick Collins,

Casey Tony did the editing,

and Hardy Pierre did the music.

Hey there, Ransom and Echoes.

If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon.

We are back to the works of Danielle Steele.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash Hayward O'Reilly by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

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That was a head gum podcast.