#354: Sarey Jessicy Parky

This is a head gum podcast.

You know how everything's a subscription now?

Music, movies, even socks.

I swear of it.

To continue this ad, please upgrade to premium plus platinum.

Uh, what?

No, anyway, Blue Apron.

This is a pay-per-listen ad.

Please confirm your billing.

Oh, that's annoying.

At least with the new Blue Apron, there's no subscription needed.

Get delicious meals delivered without the weekly plan.

Wait, no subscription?

Keep the flavor.

Ditch the subscription.

Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRAN20.

Terms and conditions apply.

Visit blueapron.com/slash terms for more.

Excuse me, sir, ma'am.

I've never met the two of you before.

Is that correct?

Yes.

I don't think so, unless you're wearing some sort of prosthetics.

We've never met before.

Well, honey, I'm just saying, he could be wearing like a fake.

Oh, of course, I know.

But, you know.

It's because you've been burned before.

This has happened happened to you a lot.

That doesn't mean everyone's wearing prosthetics, you know?

I feel like it was so traumatizing to not know that was my mom

on the street.

I punched her.

But we're in the middle of a magic show right now.

Let me ask you a question.

Okay, yeah, you're right.

You're right.

What was triggering for you in a traumatic way?

Was it the fact that it was your mom, or was it just the fact that you were being lied to vis-a-vis prosthetics?

All right, honey, now I'm starting to think that maybe this is a person wearing.

I just need to know, because for most people everything's fine mom if that's you we buried you two months ago i am going to be very upset great news so great news it's definitely not the mom one not to pooch what it is okay great then just keep doing your trick well that's what mom would say honey that's what mom would say all right let's just see okay just do the trick just do the trick

let's have this let's have this happen you two sit down actually why don't you two leave the show full refund because it's not what we want to see the trick do the

I don't.

I know that you think you want to see the trick right now, but when we get to the end of the trick, I think it might be the case where you wish you had left.

It's prosthetics.

It's prosthetics.

Give me the first step.

Well, it's obviously prosthetics.

Whoa.

Whoa, honey, I ripped off the ears and it's...

Is that JPC?

From Hayriddle Riddle?

Run!

Some of the most famous ears in the biz, baby.

You can always tell a JPC by his ears.

Hey, and what about jpc's peers adel and aaron welcome to the show everybody it's the crew the clue crew clue crew

clue crew we are 15 episodes into hay riddle riddle how do you think it's going so far guys so

nasty and i'm glad we found this episode uh this is jpc of the future talking i'm glad we found this episode i'm just putting it out context free oh right oh we're not at 354 we're at 15 right now at time worth of recording all right speaking of the clue crew i know look i know we do plugs at the end, but I do want to mention something up top.

So, to the people that we might catch, you know, at the beginning of the episode, before you, and I know this is probably 10 to 20% of people fall asleep to this episode, but while you're still awake in that area of drifting off to sleep,

if you are a subscriber to the clue crew, which is our Patreon feed, patreon.com slash hairdo rental, bonus episodes every month, every week, it's $5 a month.

It's actually a great fucking fantastic deal but it's only five dollars a month uh which means that if you subscribe with the patreon app you now pay apple's additional surcharge which means that you are paying like 35 more or something for our monthly subscription so if that cool happens to be you don't do that that is bad to give that money to apple we do not see that money it may look like you're getting charged eight dollars for a five dollar show but we're not getting any more of that money.

If you want to subscribe to the Patreon, go to the Patreon website.

Open a browser, do it on like a computer, but do it via the Patreon website.

That's where you sign up, and then you won't get charged that additional fee every month.

I have seen a lot of people recently.

The one cool thing is, Patreon now shows us who has signed up via the Apple app and lets me message them.

But I don't want to be messaging people forever, being like, hey, you made a mistake.

And also, I think a lot of people don't check their Patreon messages, which is fine.

I don't check my Patreon messages.

But just so you know, when you're signing up, please do it the other way.

We don't want, I don't want Apple to get more money.

I don't feel uncomfortable saying that.

Like, no, that's bad.

Isn't Apple app one of the black-eyed peas?

Right?

That is a great question.

That is a great question.

Apple the app, maybe?

I feel like his name is Apple the app.

Yeah.

So if you're doing it via the app on your phone, the Patreon app on your phone, don't do it that way.

Also, if you're listening to the podcast via the Patreon app on your phone, I got to say, there are better ways to do it.

We have an RSS feed that you can get with the podcast.

Plug that into a podcatcher.

Don't do it through the Patreon app.

You lose a lot of features.

You don't have to do it that way.

There is a better way.

That doesn't work as much money.

Anyway, that's any other business people want to get out of the way?

Oh,

I actually did have, I had something that I wanted to ask the two of you about.

This is no longer show business.

This is back to in-bullshit, which is what kind of what we do best on the show.

Best.

Yeah, well, you're right.

The question that I had for the two of you.

I have a situation that happened to me recently where I had a

problem that I think is a relatively minor problem.

I'm underplaying it because it was bigger than I thought it was.

But what is the most amount of money that you have spent to fix something like a to do to do something in your life that was like a very minor inconvenience?

Because I have a number, which I told Mariah, I was like, I think this is the most money I've ever spent to fix a minor inconvenience.

And I couldn't think of another time.

It's like one of those things where it's like,

you know, paying for like a toll road, but your like ETA is like 10 minutes faster.

You're like, I just want to be there 10 minutes faster.

I will take a toll road because I just want to be there.

I think I've probably done that before.

In terms of like anything that's over $200

ever, I want to claw my skin off rather than buy it.

Like it was so hard for me to buy a car because I was like, why?

Why?

Why?

So much money.

Please know.

Too much.

What, but JBC,

I want you to answer, but what did you do?

You can, you can think of it if you don't have them, but uh, just in, in, in my house, I had this like old Google mesh Wi-Fi thing that I'd had for a while that was kind of a piece of shit.

Um, but my house just has like Wi-Fi dead spots like all over it.

And one of the places that is a Wi-Fi dead spot

is if I am shitting in my downstairs bathroom, uh, which is my want and something that I enjoy doing.

But also, I have no phone service there.

I can't even like text.

So, like, if Mariah like texts me, like, hey, I need your help, I'll be like, I didn't, I didn't see it, I was doing one of my convenient, yeah, exactly, right?

But I was like, okay, so I got to fix these wife, and also the problem was like more than just that, like, the Wi-Fi wouldn't work like sometimes upstairs, or the Wi-Fi wouldn't, uh, it would just like go in and out, or like, Mariah would be on a work call, or her Wi-Fi would go out, or some shit.

Um, so you bought a new house, I bought a brand new house because I was like, this one's trash.

I actually had the old one demolished, and I paid a guy to burn it down.

Um,

not even for the insurance money, I just he seemed to like what he did and he had a fun website so uh but no i i bought like a new like wi-fi mesh for the house and it was 500

and i was like jbc just so you can watch a video of a dog catching a frisbee while you're going to the bathroom come on i don't even watch videos of dogs catching frisbees because i don't have social media on my phone so like i don't even use my it's really just like if i if i wasn't getting text messages subplubbed in the house but more really what it was was that like mariah's internet would go out when she was on her work call or some shit like that which i was like okay that seems like a problem that's like i solved my problem which was the shitting problem for 500 but i also part of the 500 was like mariah who has like a real job if it had just been the mariah stuff would you have spent that money be honest yeah for sure because

uh it's way easier for me to spend money on someone else than it is for me to spend money on myself like spending 500 on myself i'm like no way i i never would have done it i never would have done it if it weren't for the

if honestly if i have like a way to be like

oh, I don't want to buy this.

It's too much money.

And someone's like, oh, I think that you would look good in that shirt.

I'd be like, well, thank God.

That's permission.

I would have never done it, but that's permission for me.

Adel, have you done that before?

I'm trying to, I feel like maybe

the thing most akin to what you're talking about is.

At some point, I was like, fuck it.

I'm going to buy charging cables for like every room of the house kind of thing.

Yes.

Yes.

Because I got tired of like

trying to find them or taking them from one room to the next.

So I feel like there was a time where I sat down.

I'm like, what is this going to cost?

It was a number that was

just rough.

I mean, relatively speaking.

And I was like, I'm willing to pay this.

So I never have to search out another charging cable.

Adult, that is exactly what I was looking for.

That is the perfect, like, knowing that you could just walk to another room and do it, but you're like, no, it is today.

I will do this.

I will.

Now, that's also very funny because, like,

with, especially because I have like an iPhone.

I was like, oh, yeah, I have all these charging cables, but you know, at least I won't have to buy charging cables anymore.

And then iPhones now are like, no, now we use the same charging cables that everybody uses.

We're sorry, we did that for forever.

And I'm like, cool.

What do I do with this drawer full of shit?

Like, will never be used anymore.

That's actually brilliant because I have to move my charging cable from room to room.

And it,

I guess that's not that hard because I have a very small apartment.

I was going going to say welcome to the club, and then it seemed like a bit of a backhanded gobble.

No, no, no, but you have like a house that has multiple.

My house has like two rooms.

So I'm just moving the charging cable like three feet.

Aaron,

invest in like an 18-foot cord.

Okay, I'm listening.

I get tangled in the corner.

I call you.

I did buy Mariah a pair of sunglasses that is just for the car because

she has like the same pair of sunglasses for her life and then one pair that's just for the car.

I have like $1 cheap car sunglasses that I look like a crazy person in.

They say 2017.

Yeah.

See, that's not really the same because that's like practical to be like, I'm going to have the worst $1 car sunglasses because they only cost $1.

The point of the exercise is that you like spent money on a thing that we're like, wow,

this wasn't necessarily.

I didn't need to do this, but it makes my life maybe 1% more convenient.

So it's like, hell yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to try to think of one.

I know I've done one.

I'll keep it.

I'll keep it going in the back of my brain.

I shouldn't, I shouldn't, knowing what's about to happen in the rest of the episode, I shouldn't be springing other like bonus questions on you guys that like force you to like think about stuff because like there is the unfortunate other part of the podcast that we kind of have to get to where I kind of do that thing to you anyway.

So plugs.

Yeah, plugs.

Let's talk about it.

what are we watching what do we like uh common side effects um what else what else what else

now you guys ready to do some riddles yeah yeah i am yeah okay

rindles

um

last week's episode we had uh tony hell on the podcast and incredible by the way that's crazy fun just go listen to that episode and we did some only connects and it made me it made me think you know what i like these only connects i want to do a couple more OnlyConnects.

So I have a few OnlyConnects for you guys today.

My favorite.

And they're Aaron's favorite.

So if you,

if you remember how OnlyConnects work, and for you listeners who don't or didn't listen last week or haven't listened to the podcast ever before, what the fuck is happening?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm going to give you four different like prompts, basically.

Each one will have an answer to them, and all of the answers will also

have something that ties them all together.

So that's the premise of the OnlyConnects.

So

here's your first one.

Ready?

And these, by the way, are

they come to us from, I think, Gin S in San Jose from seven years ago.

Okay.

Tony,

Falcon, and Star-Lord all use these to get around.

Tony Soprano.

No, I don't think so.

Falcon ship.

Okay.

Tony the Falcon and Star Lord.

Star-Lord.

Starlord.

According to the galaxy.

Falcon and Star-Lord.

I'll use these together.

Rocket boots?

Not rocket boots.

Friendship.

Not friendship.

Legs.

It's not legs, but.

Groots.

Yeah, I guess they all have legs.

Do they all have groups?

They don't all have groups.

I actually do have a Tony and Falcon.

I have a Grot.

I have a Groot Fucker.

Can you?

It's funny because Groot could mean nipples in that context because that's how his language works.

Can I do the next one?

Yep.

We'll come back to that if we need to.

She carried the hit TV show Fornication in Lunch Town.

Sex and the city.

Sex in the city.

Sex and the city.

She.

Sex in the city.

She's carried.

Serry Jessica.

Sari Jessici Parky.

I panicked there.

That's it.

I would name, okay, you guys, my next dog is Sari Jessici Parky.

Come here, Sari Jessici Parky.

It does sound like the name of a bird, like Sarah Jessici Parky Parakeet, maybe is where I'm going with that.

Sarah Jessica Parker is the correct answer for that one.

Oh, we just got a comment on this episode.

It said Aaron Sarah Jessica.

Sari Jessici Barkey was right there.

Perfect.

Thank you so much.

Oh, Barkey.

Oh, yeah.

The presidents of the United States of America say that they come from a can, but I find them preserved in a jar of peaches.

Peach juice.

A jar.

Preserved in a jar of

jelly jam.

Jam.

Yes, but specifically what kind of jelly or jam?

Peach jam.

Gotcha.

Okay.

So you got that one.

Sarah Jessica Parker, peach jam.

Of all the things to hit, this is probably the best.

Bullseye.

Very good, but it's not a bullseye.

Target.

Not a target.

All the things to hit.

A racist with your car.

well that's that's good too that's not so great huh uh but no it's not that

of all the things to hit this is probably the best this is probably the best for you to hit for you personally me personally goals no no uh no not not not like for an individual like it's like um

for milestones goals it's not milestones or goals

we we just talked about it on the review crew but think davenbusters maybe for this um high score high score personal best high score but like what what's another another thing that you could hit in like a Dave and Busters context?

A kid.

Is it a kid?

It's the slap.

It's NBC's The Slap.

ABC?

It doesn't matter.

Why does that show come up so much?

It was watching.

Was it December like 10 years ago?

It's absolutely insane.

So funny.

Zachary Quinto.

Best thing for you to hit, and it has to be Dave and Busters.

Not really David Busters.

I'd say it's more like a casino, I would say.

Jackpot.

It's Jackpot.

Oh, Jackpot.

So Sarah, Siri, Jessica, Siri, Jessica,

Jackpot, and the preserves one.

Peach Jam.

Peach Jam.

And then Tony, Falcon, and Starlord all use these to get around.

Jet packs.

It's Jet Packs.

Oh, these are all JP or PJs?

JPCs.

Yes.

You both got there.

It's 50% points for both of you.

These all contain a J, a P, and a C.

Oh, I love it.

Yes.

Thank you, Jen, S, and San Jose for making that

seven years ago.

I hope you're still listening.

Okay, let's move on to another set of these.

These are all coming from Jen.

I'd actually like to see a scene.

I'm so sorry.

I'm trying to formulate how I want this scene to go in my head.

Okay.

GPC, I want to see you as yourself.

GPC, you're addressing a crowd that is all JPCs.

Okay, everybody, settle down, settle down, settle down.

Settle down.

I'm barely 30.

Why would I settle down?

I should still be dating.

No, it's time.

Honestly, JPC, it's time, but it's long past time.

All right.

Okay, I'm looking, scanning the crowd.

It seems like, hey, okay, so we're all supposed to be wearing matching shoes.

This whole kind of thing that we're about to do doesn't really work if we're not.

It doesn't matter.

Some of you obviously didn't read the email or kind of read the email and kind of chose to go a different way with it because you were sent the shoes.

So I don't see why it was such a big deal to note that.

That email could have been a sexted.

Okay, let's see.

Okay, well, it doesn't matter.

It's almost time, so let's grab our little glasses of Kool-Aid.

Does everybody have their glass of Kool-Aid?

Do we give the horses that are here glasses of Kool-Aid too?

Horses should be in the parking lot.

If you rode a horse here, you should just leave that in the parking lot.

Okay, it seems like a good half of you don't have Kool-Aid.

Like, what are you, you, you, JPC, what are you drinking?

Cousin's Piss?

Did I say Cousins Piss?

I knew it was going to be Cousins Piss.

It's not actually Cousins Piss, is it?

Yes.

Okay, great.

All right.

Well, it was supposed to be the Kool-Aid because we kind of did something for the...

I think we all have Cousins Piss.

At least my whole section, we're talking over here, and we all have Cousins Piss.

Here's what we'll do.

Why don't we all just drink whatever we've got?

We'll see if we make it out of the meteor, okay?

We'll see if...

We'll see if when the meteor comes by, the cousin's piss gets us there.

I don't think it will, personally,

but we'll give it a try.

Yeah.

Fuck you.

Okay.

Now we're talking.

Okay.

Let's get down to business.

Let's get down to business.

If JPC ran Heaven's Gate.

Is that the name of that cult?

I think so.

And I think I'd also, David Koresh, I think I'd be doing David Kerridan.

It doesn't matter.

I'd be doing a service if I kind of mass eliminated all of the JPCs in kind of one felt blow.

But also, We don't know that they didn't make it onto that comet, right?

We don't know.

We don't know.

Seems like a pretty good deal for kind of what's going on down here and get to a comet.

Not telling anyone to do anything, but I'm just saying if you have the opportunity to do a comet, you're right.

I feel like it almost is like a symbiote venom situation where even if the tiniest little ounce of JPC gets on a meteor and it goes to another planet, then that planet's fucked.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah, if you have any dose of JPC, you're you could die.

Um, no offense,

no ticket, oh, no ticking, Aaron.

I really just heard myself for a second.

Yikes, sorry, everybody.

Did you guys

have you?

A, have you guys seen the Venom movies?

And B, did you see Venom the Last Dance?

I saw the first two Venom movies.

I am, I, at some point, will watch Last Dance.

Yeah, I've seen it.

You saw The Last Dance?

You saw all the Venom movies?

I liked the first two Venom movies a lot.

I thought Tom Hardy and the Venom movies were great.

And then I watched The Last Dance the other day, and I was like, oh, boy.

It just, it didn't, it felt like uh it felt more like Craven the Hunter and Madam Webb than the other Venom movies which seemed like they were like having fun and being kind of funny that sucks yeah I didn't uh it wasn't wasn't my wasn't my favorite but the the the thing about those venom movies that I love is I love that Tom Hardy has done two different superhero movies where he's taken these big wild swings with the voices To me, that is

like, thank you so much, Tom Hardy, for putting that just into the universe.

Taking a risk.

Well, because you got the cool Venom voice, which is is like, I am going to eat your brains.

And you got the bane voice.

And we all, we can't really do the bane voice too many more times on this show because we all know what the bane voice is.

Yeah, we all know it by heart.

He's such a good actor,

being sincere.

He's one of my favorite actors.

And I feel like it's as if he approaches it the same way.

If you had approached Daniel Day-Lewis to play like Doctor Strange.

He would do like a Bill the Butcher voice.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, he approaches any role, I think, the same way, regardless of

what the content is, which is like, I'm going to have, you know, I'm going to do some study.

I'm going to take some big swings and risks, and I'm going to make this something three-dimensional.

So, I, yeah, I very much appreciate the choices he makes.

Not to be a womp, womp, wah, wah over here, but he was one of my favorite actors too, until Charlie Sarone did that interview about working with him on Mad Max.

Seems like a fucking nightmare to work with.

She like had just had a kid, and he would show up three and a half hours late to set and like be mad at her

he's not sound like a good guy

but he's a good actor so

i do think that yeah the

there

is something to like the i and me it's a met that method thing too of like hey yeah sometimes really great actors are like absolute nightmares to work with and i'm like yeah you got to remember that you still have to work with people too right yeah they lewis on the set of lincoln where spielberg would be on his phone and they lewis would be like what is this i'd be like walk away from me man be like hey man i'm steven spielberg you know i don't need to do this shit right like i guess that needs to feed their families what are we fucking doing

i yeah that that that to be as wild okay here's your next here's your next uh riddles um more some more only connects uh these ones come from uh jack who says love the show love you jack

the world

1804

and i'll i'll pause if you guys want to like um

write it down okay yeah okay that was two separate ones no no, no.

This is this is one thing.

The world 1804.

The world, 1804.

Facebook, 2012.

Africa, 2009.

China, 1982.

Hmm.

What do we think?

These are all places in the world and years when one of us was born.

I was born in 1804.

Is it like, oh, I already like this one.

Is it

this one's good?

Um,

like

an announcement of something?

Is it an announcement of something?

Um,

or like a new technology or a new word being introduced or something.

That's fun.

Uh, no, it's not a word or a technology, and it's not really an announcement.

Um, I would say

milestone is probably the right word.

Oh, billions.

Billions.

Aaron.

You're right on the money with billion, Aaron.

So this is all

places and times when the population reached 1 billion.

The world in 1804, Facebook in 2012, Africa in 2009, and China in 1982, where their population, or I guess when Facebook users reached a billion.

Incredible.

Nice one, Aaron.

Yeah.

Here's your next one.

Be found in Emerald

as a poison.

He has a chipmunk voice.

Oh, they need to breathe.

Can you do it again?

Yes.

Be found in Emerald

as a poison.

He has a chipmunk voice.

Oh, they need to breathe.

So, O oxygen chipmunk voice would be helium?

Mm-hmm.

well these are all gases emerald not gases what is the right column b found in emerald as a poison

you are so cars you guys have carsnick as a poison b b baromine i don't know bane is bane an emerald

you basically have it okay uh because you figured out the formula but the first two letters are the chemical element And then the next part is a short description of that chemical element.

Oh, cool.

So B, B, E, E, I don't know what that is, that beryllium?

I don't know what that is.

Um, found an emerald, uh, AS, a poison, arsenic, a poison.

H, he has a chipmunk voice, helium makes your voice a chipmunk voice, and O, they need to breathe, is oxygen.

I love it.

Uh, I do want to see a scene,

Aaron and JPC.

You are Alvin and Simon.

Um, you are at Theodore's funeral, and you're trying to be respectful and sad, but also your voices are so sort of high and funny that you can't help but like have a good time.

Great.

How do you measure your life?

Is it in laughs?

Is it in mischief?

Is it in being a part of a song that includes your name?

Sorry,

I just don't think I can fucking.

I just don't think I can fucking do this right now.

I just don't think I can

do this right now.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, come here, come here.

Oh, God.

Hey, this isn't.

Why are people laughing?

Hey, he's really sad.

I don't know why people are laughing.

Leave Alvin alone.

Why do you sound like that?

Why do you sound like that?

Why don't you sound normal?

I thought Casey could maybe add something to my decent post.

No, he can't and he shan't.

No, come on.

I don't have access to the toys you have.

No, hold on.

Did you hear that whistle?

There has been an issue on the field here at Hay Riddle Riddle.

Do we need to go to Riddle Court or can we settle this on the field?

No, settle this on the this is not appropriate for riddle court.

Okay, fine.

I think this is scene court.

Yeah, this is scene court.

Let's go to scene court.

I want to go to scene court.

Great.

Let's go to scene court.

All right, for Judge Aaron.

Okay, then announce Judge Aaron Peace.

Okay,

you get to be the judge?

Yes.

Is his voice getting higher?

And you know what, Adel, you weren't in the scene.

Adel, you get to be the judge.

Oh, okay.

Order, order, everyone.

Calm down, calm down.

We seem to have a grievance here filed by one Aaron Keefe.

Thank you.

Okay, Aaron, why don't you step in front of the juror and do one comedic and one dramatic?

I'm Aaron Keefe.

Here are my hands willing to shave.

Yes, also tell us where your hands are.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

And chipmunks.

And chipmunks.

Yeah, sorry, you can't see them, but there's 12 angry chipmunks under the

horny, if that's what you mean.

If you.

On an episode of Hey, Riddle Riddle.

If you.

No, that's not.

Come on, man.

Come on, man.

She's telling me me to fuck myself and I'm not allowed to talk.

I'll allow it.

I'll allow it.

If you, you, if you,

if you want the COVID.

Performance enhancement drugs on Hey Riddle Riddle, that is your prerogative.

You cannot make the scene that you're in about having said performance enhancement drugs.

That is bad improv.

Use the drugs.

And if someone adds, it chooses to add a drug of their choice to post.

That is their business.

Stay the course.

yes, and the scene, and don't make it a meta pile of bullshit that I don't have a soundboard.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

that is a soundboard.

Aaron, please, gavel, gavel, gavel, Aaron, please, Aaron, please.

I don't even know how

I would even begin to download a soundboard.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Aaron,

I'm going to throw the book at you.

I'm throwing the book at you.

That's the soundboard.

That's somebody He's doing the meta bullshit that I was just talking about.

Aaron.

Some people are born being able to do technology.

I'm going to have to hold you in contempt.

Hey, hey, he is doing it against me.

This is going to have to be a thing where I take this scene to another riddle scene.

I'm getting too emotional.

I need to calm down.

His voice keeps getting higher.

I had motion smoothing on my TV for years without realizing it.

I don't know how to.

whatever.

Fucking whatever.

Vote in the comments.

I'm saying that everyone has access to the same technology that others do.

And I think it is not fair to make a scene about how you have a soundboard.

And now, you know what I'm going to have to fucking do this week?

Bother Casey and have Casey hop on the horn with me so I can download a soundboard and become a menace to society.

And then we're just three fuckers with soundboards.

Hey, I love it, man.

I'm all for it.

What if the Batman movie was just three jokers?

Why not?

They never tried it before.

Yes.

Aaron, how about this?

Yes.

Because I've asked JPC for his soundboard program before.

We all download it and then we do a Patreon where it's entitled Three Fuckers with Soundboards.

We get it all out there.

Aaron, we get it all out there.

That way, when we do scenes.

in here the riddle it's used like you know saffron not salt yeah because there's no reason to bring the this outboard into the main feed.

It's just like, we don't need to do it.

We shouldn't do it.

It's bad to do.

Let's not do it anymore.

He's about to covered income.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

You guys.

You guys, I think we need to introduce being fined for doing things, financial

consequence for doing a bad job on this show.

Oh, we should be fined for like antisocial behavior.

I've peed on a waiter before.

Is that the kind of thing we can saying?

Can I tell you?

This is trippy because that feels like AI.

When did I say that?

I don't know.

I don't know, Aaron.

I don't know.

If you guys want the show to be complete chaos, I just feel like JPC should be fined $5 for what he did in that scene.

Adult, you're the judge.

It's up to you.

Top a renegade goat.

What?

Aaron, if I find him, I have to find you for what you just said.

All right, we have to move on.

Here's your next riddle.

Okay, clip that.

Casey clip that

Herbert 88.

These are all love bugs.

Wow.

And they're jersey numbers.

Jefferson, 92.

Walker, zero.

So Herbert Hoover, Thomas Jefferson, Paul Walker.

Can you read them again?

These are all the most handsome men alive.

Or sorry, 88.

Herbert, 88.

Jefferson 92 Walker 0

Hussein 8 oh it's the um uh last numbers of the year that they died

it's the last numbers of the year that they died no or born or born no no no we're born no no neither one got him and who and who who are we talking about leaders no uh well yes we are talking about leaders but and more specific middle names

Aaron, middle names of

presidents, presidents,

and then the number

and when they took office, yes, Herbert 88, Jefferson 92, Walker 0, Hussein 8.

Middle names of presidents and the year they were elected.

Yes, Walker Debbie Ranger Bush.

Uh, your next one,

that was a good one.

Yeah, I like that one.

A hammer and a feather,

a hammer and a feather, okay,

six U.S.

flags.

Five golden rings.

Two golf balls.

Eugene Shoemaker's shoes.

That's a real curveball thing.

I know, right?

Oh, God, I don't know.

I'd have to be more specific.

If you know who Eugene Shoemaker is,

I gotta assume that, I don't either, but I gotta assume that that's like a really good clue if you know who that is.

Well, I mean, in context, this is the guy who created shoes?

No, I don't know.

I don't think he...

No.

Eugene Shoemaker's shoes, two golf balls, a hammer and a feather.

What was the other one?

These are all things that weigh one tons.

Six U.S.

flags.

Six U.S.

flags.

These are all things found inside the belly of a whale.

No, they're not the amount of amount of amount of stars.

They're not the amount of stars.

These are all things that you hit into water.

It's not things you hit into water.

Hammer and a feather, six U.S.

flags, two golf balls, Eugene Shoemaker shoes.

I think I'll say all of these have a location in common.

Sand trap.

It's not a sand trap.

Pole.

It's not a pole.

Pole.

Six U.S.

flags.

Coin, they're all on coins.

They're all on.

No.

They're all.

What denomination of coins is two golf balls?

That's what I call quarters.

the hammer and the feather, don't you leave a quarter on the green when you're like picking up a golf ball?

Yeah, you do.

That makes sense.

Okay, okay,

hammer or feather you use just in case there's a alligator that's gonna

be on a flag, they're not on a flag, they're not on a golf course.

A hammer and a feather, six U.S.

flags, two golf balls, and Eugene Shoemaker shoes.

They're all in the same place.

The Smithsonian.

Not the Smithsonian.

This is a place that I would say it's not a museum,

but this place gets almost no visitors.

Like, it's nobody goes here.

The moon, the moon, the moon, the moon, of course, the moon.

The moon.

It's the moon.

I do want to see a quick scene.

Aaron and Adel, you are both going to be astronauts on the moon.

Adel, you are taking your duty very seriously.

And Aaron, you're trying to leave a bunch of other shit on the moon just so you can say that there's this stuff on the moon.

Great.

All right.

We have the flag.

We'll plant that right there next to the others, just to sort of see.

Don't look over here.

Huh?

Don't look over here.

i'm i'm i'm i'm pissing so sullivan what

if you're pissing you're pissing in your suit we all piss in our i'm pissing right now i can't see your genitals oh wait if i take my dick out will it explode um

let's not test it let's not test it don't clip it don't clip it no i just i'm gonna just look away i'm just gonna pee on

your penis i'm gonna pee on the moon wait whoa what was that big What's that big sack?

Sullivan, you're not pulling a Santa again, are you?

No, no, no, no.

I'm just, hey, man, everyone wants to have a legacy.

And I said, why not have mine be funny?

Sullivan, last time we were on the moon, you did several things that got us both in trouble.

You did sort of a Hollywood Walk of Fame handprints and then your signature

brought a oversized sort of cracker barrel carpet game of checkers.

Sure, yeah.

This time I have serious stuff, like six DVD copies of Pale of Day Goodnight.

Why six?

A bagel with cream cheese.

Come on, you know what, man?

Forget it.

Astronauts are not allowed to have fun anymore.

You're right.

Let's collect some rocks for science.

And then go back to Earth.

You lost, or are people paying you to...

What's going on here?

Like, I could understand if it was like your mother's ashes or something, but this just doesn't make sense.

Okay.

There are certain kinds of perverts.

on the internet that are willing

to spend a certain amount of money

to make a certain thing happen.

And who am I to dash a perfect stream?

Sullivan, say that.

I will help you.

What do you got?

What's in the bag?

Yeah, let's start pulling some of this stuff out.

Pulling some of this stuff out.

Okay, we got a slip inside.

Do not use that.

You will

slide forever.

Okay.

You will never stop sliding.

Well, then I thought, all right, well.

It'll be like gravity.

Here is a body

barefoot wide.

Hey, I got the moon rocks ready to

go.

Hey,

we're going to need a couple more minutes.

The rocks on this side are.

Fuck, why do you sound like that?

You're not wearing your helmet?

Aaron.

Aaron?

Aaron back in the scene.

Aaron, is this fun?

Is this fun for you?

Aaron?

Aaron?

Aaron, get back in the scene.

Please.

Aaron, I have a voice mod called Spaceman.

Luke, I

am Darth Peter.

I'm not trying to compare our show to art, but I literally just had a moment where, say, Hey Real Riddle is a painting, and I'm in the painting.

I just was in the painting, and I went, what if I just sort of stepped outside of the painting and I became an observer of the painting?

And then, what if I walked away from the painting?

The fitness.

You see what I'm saying?

Well, Aaron, would it help if we took a little break?

Let's take a break, Aaron, huh?

I don't think so this time.

I think this time a break can't fix this.

Hey, let's try.

Let's try.

Let's take a quick break and see if maybe it all gets fixed.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Oh, excuse, excuse me, you two.

Could you help me?

I'm trying to churn some butter.

We're all good here, um, man from the past or whatever, or Elmo or whatever.

No, I'm from your year.

From our year, okay.

What is this?

I want to tell you about butter help.

Oh,

I see what this is.

We're trying to talk about better help.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Butter help.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, we're talking about better help.

My friend and I were talking about better help.

It's online therapy that you can use if you don't want to do in-person therapy, but you still want to have a relationship with a therapist.

Oh.

BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

BetterHelp does an initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences.

And with their 10-plus years of experience and industry-leading match fulfillment rates, means they're typically get it right on the first try.

And if you aren't happy with it, you can switch your therapist anytime, no problem.

I've done it before, and it was great.

I have a perfect match on BetterHelp, and it's the kind of therapy that works great for my brain.

Oh, this sounds pretty great.

So, what are you telling me?

There's like over 30,000 therapists.

BetterHelp is like the world's largest online therapy platform.

Is that what you're saying?

Having served over five, let's say, million people globally?

Yeah, that's exactly.

I mean, we weren't saying that, but that is

correct.

That's awesome.

Eating butter off fingers.

It's convenient, too.

You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life.

So, if you're like having a problem, you can literally send a message to your therapist whenever.

This butter is so good.

Right, and I have to come clean.

I am a puppet from the past.

You are right.

As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

So, whether you're a normal guy or some weirdo pervert puppet that walked up to us on the street from the past, you can find the one with BetterHelp.

Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash riddle.

That's betterhelp,

slash riddle.

Wait a minute.

One of those was about me, but which one?

You gotta try this butter, JPC.

You gotta try it.

You will love, love, love, love, love, love.

I will not try this perverts butter.

I'm off to my time, but goodbye.

Bye.

Jealous much?

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting.

Now, my experience with the Emperor, his clothes are awesome.

Addle, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

No, actually, we don't pay with limbs.

We pay with money.

But this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, please touch.

Starting at just $60.

That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right, and their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

I have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like Somart's little brother, like Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middleman.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like, it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes.

It's, it's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute, and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash slash Riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e dot com slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com slash riddle.

Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to walk around.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Eats them like Cookie Monster.

JPC, you know how not too long ago Erin was a car.

We don't really need to dwell on it.

Sometimes you're asking yourself weird things like, why didn't they teach us this in school?

I feel that way almost anytime I'm dealing with money.

Amen.

Famously, I'm very bad with money.

Famously, you're very good with money.

That's why I'm giving my kids, aka my cats, a head start on their money skills with acorns early.

Now, if I know your cats, they're going to take those acorns, put them outside your door, and then feed them to squirrels so they can watch squirrels going outside of your door.

But children, human children, they're very different.

They have different learning patterns than cats.

We're getting wildly off topic.

Erin used to be a car.

That's why she's not here.

But that's been resolved at this point.

So we don't have to worry about that.

Mostly been resolved.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

This is something that I am going to be gifting to friends, that I myself hopefully one day will be gifting to a child and again to my cats.

Start with the in-app chores tracker.

Teach your kids or cats the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set up their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

And you could maybe be like, hey, let's set a goal that you save up to buy, I don't know, like a car one day.

Yes, because it is legal to buy a car.

Yes.

Even if it is or was a human at some point, because if it's now a car, it's fine.

And there's no laws against that.

Plus, kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's spending limits and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

I have played around with the Acorns Early app.

So it's still a little early for my child, but I really love the features.

I really love how simplified it is.

I actually think that it can make learning about money fun and engaging.

And I think that those are very important things.

It's also really important to like demystify, you know, the money.

You know, money isn't something that's like,

you know, dirty or dangerous or something.

And it's just like a tool like anything else that we use to exist in society.

And I think the Acorns Early is a great way to introduce children to that.

Absolutely.

Hey, JPZ.

Mm-hmm.

Do you notice, even though Aaron's not in a car anymore, that sometimes when she sneezes, it sounds like Vroom?

Yeah.

And sometimes when she,

not to be indelicate,

farts, it sounds like Hong Kong

passes gas.

It sounds like Hong Kong, Hong Kong, Hong Kong, Hong Kong.

Yes.

And then I immediately want to get anyway.

Ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save, and spend?

Get your first month on us when you head to acornsearly.com/slash hey riddle or download the Acorns Early app.

That's one month free when you sign up at acornsearly.com/slash hey riddle.

Acorns Early is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International.

Free trial for new subscribers only.

Subscription fee started for $5 per month unless canceled terms supply at acorns.com slash early terms.

Aaron's not a car.

Take control of your money.

All right, guys.

Well, I know, I know that

we're coming off the heels of my personal favorite holiday, 420.

Nice.

So, I got you guys some doobie-dooby-doos, and I thought we could smoke them on the pop test.

Hell yeah, let me blaze this up.

All right, now it's you're gonna notice that it's a little bit different than maybe a joint that you've smoked previously.

wait, is this a person?

Is this there's like sand in this?

Is this sandy?

Oh, smoking sandy.

Please don't smoke me.

That's against the terms and regulations.

Oh, my guy ripped me off.

What's up, Sandy?

Yeah, it's a common complaint that I get.

People try to smoke me and then they realize I'm a human being.

But there's a lot of me to go around, especially with this beard.

Just pluck off a hair and you can smoke it.

Don't mind if I do it.

Who knows?

Who knows what?

Very bitter.

Who knows what it meant?

Is it?

Do they smoke beards in the Bible?

I've never read it.

I assume.

I assume

beard.

If there's some sort of like Google for Bibles, I assume the word beard is in there 4,000 times.

Yeah, you know, if they do smoke beard in the Bible, please email Sandy.

Let him know.

You can find him on social media.

It's something.fun or something.

No, you can't anymore.

If you can smoke beard, then I've got a new hobby.

Hi.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

Hello, Cindy.

Excited to have some high-quality riddles on today's show.

I threw away not only all my sports puzzles, but I threw away everything in my brain about sports.

So we will never talk about that again.

History will say, I killed that game.

That was a month ago.

No one remembers so well last time you were here.

You're allowed to write it down if no one else needs to contest it.

I found a little recycle bin in my brain, and I just kind of dragged and dropped my whole desktop into that, and then poop.

So, basically, everything's gone.

I love that.

Motor function, too.

Uh-oh.

You're how weird on this podcast.

I don't know.

Well, would you like something different?

This is a word game.

We love words.

Some words?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Word big word word turds.

Word turds.

A little turdy told you about the word turd.

A little turd told me that we're word turds.

A little word turd.

For this turd of a game, I'm going to give you a sentence, and it contains both a clue for both a phrase in the format of this and that, like A and B, X and Y.

And it also clues a word that is formed by making a portmanteau out of those two words.

So, for example,

if I said, I saved my own family first when the dam broke.

Your own family is your flesh and blood.

And if you smash those two words together, you get

Blood varies with what happens with the damn products.

Fucking good at that.

Okay.

Oh, someone did write read the Bible.

I'm just going to let everyone know right now, I can't do this.

Sure, you can.

Aaron's like, bring back sports, please.

Yeah,

I know myself and I know my brain, and I don't have the right

wires or parts of my brain.

I actually don't even have the right parts of my brain to be able to explain why I can't do this.

And Aaron, famously, last night, you cut the red wire, which was a lot.

There's a in your brain, there's a lot of red wire.

Yeah, my brain still exploded.

Can you believe it?

Unbelievable.

Aaron's looking at a tough mudder course, and she's like, I'm willing to flop around in there, but it's not, I'm not going to be doing what everybody else is doing.

We're not hoping around like a fish on a dock.

I'll get muddy and take a picture or whatever, but I'm not doing all this.

No, I'll try.

I'm going to try, Sandy.

You'll be great.

You'll be great.

So we got the concept.

Ready to move on?

Yes, sir.

This movie about the famine is great, even though it's not in color.

Okay, black and white might be the term.

Correct.

Okay.

Blight.

So smash those two words.

Blight.

Blight.

That's famine.

Black and white and blight.

It's very famously about

a famine.

A famine.

Number two.

Wouldn't that be a famine?

Can I say famine ties?

It was one of the worst TV shows.

Would a famine be like if there's like nothing.

Are are we experiencing a famine right now where there's like nothing good coming out of uh Hollywood except Aaron's Pixar show?

Sorry, Aaron.

But nothing else good coming out of that.

I thought you were going to say that no one famous is good or no one good is famous anymore.

The fake fame has

it.

Maybe it's not a fame in because it's not really about fame, but it is about how they're just like remaking movies from 20 years ago and that's the only movies.

My understanding was the promise that fame was going to last forever.

Isn't that what they said?

That was the

big cheer.

Fame.

You're going to live forever.

Yeah.

Do you remember my name?

Clearly, it worked.

All right, let's do another one.

Pirates love

a British pastry.

Okay.

Pirates love a British pastry.

Is it like tea and crumpets?

Nope.

The British pastry is the word, word, not this phrase.

It's not the phrase.

Pirates is the phrase.

Pirates.

Or pirates love?

Pirates will get you the A and B phrase.

The pastry is the word.

Okay.

Pirates.

What's an A and B phrase?

So does it always have an A and Skull and crossbones?

You've gone?

Skull and bones.

Croissants bones.

Just smash the bones.

Skull and scones, scones, scones, scalbon.

Scon, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron.

I'm working.

Skull crossbones.

Scones is right.

Although,

I guess technically they call them scans over there, but maybe the British pirates.

Maybe the British pirates also call it skull and cross bonds.

I don't know.

Excuse me, a yar.

Do they really call it scones?

They call skull and scones?

Do they

hope I don't get in trouble?

I think so.

Scones.

Yeah, I think so.

Sid, you definitely won't get in trouble, but I will.

That's fucking stupid.

The whole ass nation pulled off

morons.

No.

They don't get this here.

They don't get this there, right?

They do.

They do.

But it's translated.

Oh, it's translated.

It's translated.

Yeah.

They call a cup of tea a cuppa.

Kappa.

What are we doing?

They're having more fun than us.

Let's not translate it.

Way more fun than them.

Boot in a car.

They call the boot panties.

These guys are dubbed.

As our friend Ethan taught us, there's such cool British rhyming slang that we're behind the times.

Yeah, that's right.

Scott.

Oh, yeah.

Rhyming slang is awesome.

We should all make up our own

rhyming slang because I don't believe that the intention of rhyming slang is for you to be

for it to be clear what you're saying.

So that is a good future.

You might be able to write that out.

Cockney rhyming slang the game.

I saw a cockney, I saw someone on a TV show give a cockney rhyming slang for

shit.

Now I can't find it.

For Fanny.

They were trying to say Fanny, but Fanny means

something else there.

And they didn't want to say Fanny, so they said something else as a cockney rhyming slang to get you to fanny.

And I can't even remember what the slang was.

But it's funny because the word they weren't trying not to say is so tame to us.

Yeah.

For us.

Yeah.

All right.

The kid presented her most cherished possession to her kindergarten class, a single oyster.

Show and tell, shell.

Shell.

You got it.

I fought fiercely to lose this guy who was following me.

I fought fiercely.

I found it.

Jack and Annie.

Jack and Annie is slang for fanny.

So, Jack and Annie pack is what you'd wear if you're a tourist.

That's right.

Actually, you know, more than just tourists wear.

They're very convenient.

Can you read that again?

I fought fiercely to lose this guy who was following me.

What do you call it when someone's following you?

Chase.

Tail.

Tail.

I was going to say, like, shake a tail.

Chase?

Tail.

Tail is right.

Now you have to think of a phrase that means fight fiercely.

Or fiercely.

Tooth and nail?

Tooth and nail.

Tooth and nail to tail.

When playing this piano duet, we got tripped up by a gap cut out of the sheet music.

Hard to do.

Curtain told hole.

Boom.

Outlet, we got that in unison.

We just got a C-synthesis from Courtney Love.

Wow.

I thought you're going to say Hoagie Carmichael.

No.

My kid loves to eat noodles and study Bajaas architects.

Bajaus.

Bajaus.

Bajaas Blast.

Bajaus Blast.

Bajaus Blast.

Moundu.

Mew.

Mewdo.

Taco Bell.

Taco Bell.

Checking the app.

Oh, yeah, we could order delivery.

What was the question?

My kid loves to eat noodles and study Bauhaus architects.

Mac and cheese.

Meese.

Meese.

Is it Mise Vandero?

Oh, I was joking.

No, that's right.

Adel, just don't admit that.

Just say that you knew it.

I mean, yes, brutalist architecture.

The brutalist.

The Adrian Brittany.

The Brutalist, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Whenever someone mentions architecture, guys, just say the brutalist.

Here's a little hint from old JPC.

Just say, oh, the brutalist.

You'll be fine.

My nagging spouse is always talking about taking down Batman, Ball and Chain Bane.

Wow.

Whoa.

I don't, you're not even.

You're moving so fast.

Here's a coupon for two free hugs.

What do you mean, I'm a bad husband?

Wait, wait.

What do you mean I'm a bad hug?

Wait.

Keep it going.

Bane is giving his spouse a coupon for two free hugs.

Give me a list of what to do, and I'll do it.

It's so funny that the prompt is ball and chain, but instead it's like low-rate husband.

Hey, hey, honey, two weeks ago I did the dishes and you didn't say anything.

Why didn't I get applause?

What do we have this weekend?

I was planning on golfing.

We need a sitcom with Bane.

Bane.

It's basically,

what's the

who's the Kevin James?

What's the Kevin James sitcom?

King of Queens.

King of Queens.

King of Queens.

We need one that's.

Yeah, he is like a hot wife that would never actually be with him in real life.

Bane of my Bane or something.

Yes, just like Super Model Wife.

Bane's Bane.

Bane's Bane.

Isn't it funny?

Both of those movies are fine.

The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises.

The Dark Knight's obviously the best one of them.

But I think it's very funny that, like, universally, what we have taken from culture from those things is that the Joker is like very scary.

It was a great performance.

And Tom Hardy's Bane is like the number one thing people want to do cartoon impressions of.

It's not even close, like their

relatability on scary.

You know, like one of them is just not scary at all.

Would we call it that sitcom growing banes?

Yes.

Wow.

Wow.

We're going to live forever.

Say you remember my name, Bray.

Bring Bring.

I'm going to live forever.

It always amuses me when I write a puzzle that has Batman in it.

I immediately think that it's so close to Bateman.

Like Jason Bateman should play Batman at some point.

I'm not sure what else to do with it.

Yes, for sure.

Yeah.

He missed his calling in like the 2010s when every movie had to have Jason Bateman in it because we lost a deal with like the devil, apparently.

But now Jason Bateman is Batman.

That is the move.

And it's a lot of him going up to like the joker and being like hey buddy hey buddy we're gonna go ahead and stop let's stop ruining the city okay yeah michael sarah's robin

oh my god also just just like casting jason bateman now as batman and like seeing what his physical transformation is like because everybody this the secret you know desire of all of these hollywood people to play batman is that they get to like you know work with a trainer and get like super jacked and i would just love to see like big bateman on the screen big bateman

big Bateman.

He never got jacked.

That's right.

And Robert Pattinson really

didn't really go that same route.

There's a

there's a fun, um, there's a fun trivial pursuit card that was written a while ago.

That's like, which of these acts, this is true, which of these actors did never play Batman?

And the list is like, Ben Affleck, Christian Bale, uh, yes, yes, Christian Bale, um, uh, Adam West, uh, um, Val Kilmer, uh, George Clooney, Ben Affleck.

Literally all of them are correct because it was written before Ben Affleck passed.

They probably cast.

That's so funny.

Wow, that is crazy for like a trivia thing to be wrong because it was just written before something like that happened.

Right.

They're like, what is the most outlandish actor that we can think of to play Batman?

Well, they didn't think.

Connor O'Malley.

It's also, it's.

It would be so bad.

There's like no, no new ideas.

It's just like, well, let's get another guy to play Batman.

I guess that's what we're doing now.

If you did Connor O'Malley as Batman, though, they'd immediately be be like, Bruce Wayne, that guy, like, there's no, that guy's so wholly unique.

They're like, there's no way that's not.

It's him.

It's him.

It's Bruce Wayne.

It's the guy.

It's that same guy.

You're gonna take all my money for that, by the way.

Connor O'Malley.

I had to look up who this guy is.

This is a deep cut.

Watch his videos.

He's fantastic.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

Here's another one.

I'm not scared.

Oh, Connor O'Malley as Batman and Joker.

He's playing both of them in this.

He's playing everyone.

Just the Batman for Connor O'Malley as everyone.

Yeah.

And he's just locked in a room.

Yeah.

Batman, the clubs.

All right.

I have to ask you guys, I'm sure you've thought about this.

This is a prompt that I've seen other people answer.

If you had to recast, if you could remake a movie entirely with Muppets,

but one actor is human.

Yeah.

I think we did this and we talked about it and it was the Bible.

We want to see a Muppet Bible.

The Bible.

The Bible movie.

The Bible movie.

Yep.

I think Aaron's was ghost.

Aaron, I think, said Ghost in a Shell and Keep Scarlet Johannes.

No.

I think I said ghost.

And I think Adel said Passion of the Christ, all Muppets, but Gibson still directs.

That's so good.

Yeah,

ghost, everyone's Muppets, except for that guy on the train.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm not, here's another one.

I'm not scared by snake sounds.

In fact, it makes me want to snuggle with them.

Hiss and hers?

Wow, that's so good.

His and hers.

You're close.

I mean, hiss and his.

Hiss is great.

Hiss.

Hiss and piss.

Hiss.

Hiss and piss.

Hiss is the answer, and we need the phrase.

Yeah.

Can you say the whole question one more time?

I'm not scared by snake sounds.

In fact, it makes me want to snuggle them.

Hug and kiss?

Hug and kiss.

Hugs and kisses.

I've not gotten a single one of these.

I'm so uniquely bad at these.

Same.

Adela is kicking her ass.

Let's see if we can break your streak.

My favorite thing about this Dr.

Seuss book is that the main character looks like my nana.

Green eggs and ham, Graham.

Grahams.

What the fuck?

I'm not even going to try anymore, Adel.

I can't even, my brain is trying to be like, okay, so which one is

the phrase and which one is the answer?

I can't even get that part before Adel gets.

And can I just say, I'm able to just,

almost like a bear catching salmon in a stream, I'm able to just put my claws in my brain and pull out an answer.

And I don't know what's happening.

It's amazing.

These are just speaking to the way my brain works.

God, that is how it bears it.

The bears listening are like, dude, that takes a lot of practice.

We actually really worked with that.

And that's reductive.

You're being reductive.

Boy, here's a new one.

Boy, communism really gets the hairs on my neck up.

Okay, maybe just one hair.

Hammer and sickle heckle?

It's hackle, but yeah.

Hackle.

Okay.

Hackle.

Hackle literally means

the hair on the back of your neck, I think.

All right.

Wow.

Trying to give you the tricky ones.

My wife bumped into a car while driving, and I told her, sweetie, you better get out of here.

Hit and run, hun.

Ball and chain, babe.

That's insane.

What do you mean today's our anniversary?

Of course, I got you a gift.

Sandy just keeps putting ball and chain.

I was like an answer.

These were like, everything okay, Sandy?

Working through some stuff with your muscles.

Yeah, I tested these all on the ball and chain last night.

and uh

um she's like uh you never talk to me in your bane voice anymore you know what my favorite um i guess it's vaguely misogynist i actually don't know but i've i think only ever heard it referred to in this term term is is battle axe when people like are like yeah that old battle axe i'm like

that sounds so cool but i think it's derogatory I just picture Gimli holding up that woman and swinging her around.

Right.

When he said, and my axe, he was talking about his wife.

Yeah.

It's basically Borat.

He's basically saying, my wife.

If someone calls an older woman a battle axe, it means she is very difficult and unpleasant because of her fierce and determined attitude.

Okay,

that is my new goal.

That is my 10-year plan is I want to be a battle axe.

Check in on me in a decade, everybody.

I want to be a battle axe is so funny.

Aaron, is it okay then if I start referring to you as a battle axe?

I would love it if you did.

Okay.

Aaron Keefe.

That's a battle axe you don't want to cross.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I love that.

It's hard for me to even conceptualize what that is conveying.

It's like so, it's so old-timey misogyny that it's like, what?

I like my misogyny new and slick.

Yeah.

Here's another one.

I really like REM's version of this SUSE March better.

Rag and Bones.

Stars and Stripes.

Stape.

Stipes.

Scott Stephen.

Michael Stipes.

Stipes.

Scott Stipes.

Scott Stapes.

Scott Stapes from the REM Stapes cover of business.

Michael Stipes.

Michael Stipes.

Maryam Cook.

Yeah.

I kind of got that one.

You did kind of get what that one.

Good job.

All right.

Couple more.

Thank you, Sandy.

I really like my good job.

Speaking of more misogyny, that awful woman told me one thing and sold me another.

Bait and switch, be roof.

Bitch.

It is bait and switch and bitch.

Not intended as a reflection of my opinion about any specific person.

You're staring at something.

You're looking right at you.

Maybe I should have said that female dog.

Yeah.

That old battle axe Aaron.

All right.

One more, one more.

How about this?

There's a stark difference between the way those two horses made that sound.

Nay.

Nay and and Winnie.

Ninny.

Stark difference.

Stark difference.

Neither here nor there?

No.

Is nay right?

To nay.

Nay.

No way.

Stark difference.

Is neither right?

Because that's nay.

No.

Sandy's looking blankly.

I think he's thinking about something else.

Stark difference.

And

boy, the way I feel today and the way I feel yesterday, blank and blank.

Night and day.

Of course.

Let me give you one more that you guys.

I was tripped up by the spelling.

I was like, yeah.

Oh, so sorry.

So sorry.

No, no, no.

One more.

One more is really quick.

Boy, that Swiss girl is so full of herself.

Pomp and circumstance.

Perkinspace.

Swiss and miss.

That Swiss girl.

Boy, that Swiss girl is so full of herself.

Pondu.

Last.

Heidi.

Heidi.

High and mighty.

Hi and Mighty.

High and and mighty wow

all right good job y'all nice job

like just ran ahead you did great aaron you got

zero you predicted

aaron you basically just sat with me and flopped around in the mud while kettle ran the whole course

and i had a great day yeah me too good

all right so what do you what do you got going on what do you got to plug or promote

well i'm still making the game that i talked about last time which is Rattle.

This is a word ladder transformation game where instead of changing a letter in the word to make a word ladder, you're changing the words entirely through transformations and clues that I give you.

This is a daily word game.

You can find it at rattle, r-a-d-d-l-e dot quest.

It's been really fun.

My advice if you are playing this game is do not think of it like wordle.

Think of it like a crossword because some of the clues, you'll have to like really kind of get into the puzzle maker's head a little bit to like get to the bottom of the clues.

It's not like there's a there's a a touch of like

I wouldn't say subjective, but like

a flair of personality in some of these answers.

Right.

And I offer tours of my head for that starts at $1,000 a minute.

So if you sign up for that.

So yeah, so JPC is right.

It's like I give you a bunch of clues and you have to figure out which clue

works for the given word.

So like if the if the latter went from pinky to thumb, you'd have to change pinky into a new word.

And one of the clues is pinky's cartoon partner, which is the clue would yield you the answer, the brain, and that would be the next step of the ladder.

And then you keep going from there.

I also love that you can, I think,

you're starting from the top down, but you can also reverse a letter and go from the bottom up, which is fun.

Yep.

Yeah, that's helpful for me sometimes.

Big fan, big fan.

Very cool.

Anything else to plug, Sandy?

I also have a newsletter at signals.fun.

It's a free monthly newsletter.

And I'm on Instagram at Mystery League.

And

I,

yeah, that's about it.

Awesome.

Sandy, thank you so much.

Hey, Aaron, we have to get rid of Sandy, but JPC and I don't want to be the bad guys.

Do you mind being the battle axe?

It kind of picks up.

Hey, Sandy, stay as long as you want.

Here, we're going to make you triple tea.

Sort of settle in.

A battle axe, you are not, Aaron.

I said, give me 10 years.

All right, right sandy thank you so much we'll uh we'll see you later oh boy what do we got to plug uh adult what do you got what do you got going on uh i would say as always check out hello from the magic tavern um both the main feed and our patreon um

we have all kinds of fun stuff going on for our 10th anniversary also i was recently a guest on the press play podcast talking about the video game and the movies of mortal kombat so please check out press play podcast aaron do you have anything to plug or promote

I would say check out Quality Time on Instagram.

It's a once-a-month variety show I host in Los Angeles.

I'm really proud of it.

It's a true variety show.

We've had history teachers.

We've had Irish musicians.

It is a blast.

So check that out.

GPC, any review to read or a plug?

Let's do some quick plugs.

You can, it's still April of the Penguins over on the Patreon, patreon.com slash Hayward of Irtle.

Check it out.

It's April of the Penguins all month long, and it's a blast over there.

You can also get all of our April of the Penguins merch at Hayward of Riddle.dashery.com or just click the link in the episode description.

A lot of really cool new merch from Ariel Sinha over there.

Five new logos.

Oh, yeah.

If you're in Chicago, come and see World News Tonight at the IO Theater 7:30 on Saturday night every week.

And yeah, you know what?

I do have a review to read.

Oh, one more thing.

Before we get to the review, we are announcing our slate of live shows for the, and we're calling it the Across the Riddleverse tour.

Yeah, we're going across the, all the United States of America.

We almost called it United States.

Would people have liked it if we called it United States of America?

Because I think that would be very funny, too.

Comment below.

There's no place to comment.

We are going to 10 cities at least this year.

We are going to be coming to Chicago, Minneapolis, St.

Paul, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington, Los Angeles, California, Denver, Colorado, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C., Boston, Massachusetts, and New York City.

We have all of our dates are up on our website, and you can check out them and get tickets to most of them.

I think most of them you can buy tickets to right now.

Some of them later in the year are not ready yet at Hayriddriddle.

We'll let you know about that.

You don't have to keep checking.

We'll let you know.

We'll let you know.

HairriddleRiddle.com slash live for tickets.

You guys, can you believe we're going on tour?

I know.

It's crazy.

It's so much fun.

I'm going to bring my passport and get all these stamps.

Well, I don't know that you have to show your passport to go to, you actually do, I think, have to do it.

Yeah.

What city do you think we're going to get into our biggest fight in?

Portland.

Portland?

Yeah.

Wow.

That's interesting.

I would say Oregon.

Oh, that's Portland.

Never mind.

Okay.

I was going to say

the Pacific Northwest, but

okay.

Well, that's not on the list yet.

If you're not in any of those cities that we are coming to or can't make it to any of those shows, the LA show also will have a live stream.

so we'll at least one of our shows will be live streamed uh to you everywhere that you can you can get a ticket for um and

we will we've been talking about it we have some special guests for some of these shows so we're going to try different guests for different shows um but uh be on the lookout for that because we'll we will announce those as we get a little closer to the dates And if you want us to come to your city,

the link is in the show description if you want to fill out the little form.

Yeah, the live show requester.

Can I mention one of the guests just as a little teaser?

I think it might be fun.

For St.

Paul, I'm going to go ahead and say we have Bobby from Bobby's World.

Wow.

He's an animated boy, voiced, I believe, by Howie Mandel.

And for Chicago, we do have JPC from Hay Riddle Riddle joining us for that show.

God willing.

God willing.

Speaking of animated boys for the Denver, Colorado show, I think you know what we're talking about.

We got the guys from Hay Arnold.

They live there now.

No, we got Cartman.

Come on, Cartman.

We got it.

Cartman.

No, Olga.

Yeah, so anyway, come see us on tour this year, the Across the Riddleverse tour, Haywardoveriddle.com slash live.

Okay, and I would like to read a review.

If you want to get a review featured on the show, just leave a five-star review anywhere you leave reviews.

Hey, today we got one from Roxy Romero.

Roxy Romero says, 20 plus hours straight.

Huh.

On a road trip from Ohio to Texas with my husband and daughter because it seemed like a good idea in 2023 when we started talking about it.

Flash forward to now in 2024 okay last year and it turns out not so much anyway we've listened to hayward riddle and kalu crew for the whole drive there and back non-stop in fact we're still on this road trip and still listening there is no end we're trapped help someone say jupiter neptune venus

ah they they don't remember either that's that gives a whole different flavor by the way to uh their review because the review is probably from last year but it seems like they've been on that road trip for like over a year that's fun

we should scary we should send some, we should send a team to go look for them or something.

Yeah, who do we have?

Who do we have in the deep bench?

We got we could say Coco Kashmir, uh, the bad news gang.

Wait, oh, why

created by Adel Rafai

starring Aaron Keenan

and John Patrick Collins.

Casey Toby did the editing and Hardy Pierre did the music video.

Photo created by Emma Cardamis and Emily Nemoris.

The Riddle Mighty or Hay Riddle Riddle.

Hey there, Abras and Cadabras.

If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon.

It's another Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-chatterbox.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or star your seven-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those out of free free episodes.

See you there.

That was a head gum podcast.