Patreon Preview #320: Penguin Baseball League Championship Game

Good evening, and welcome to tonight's championship game for season two of Penguin Baseball League.

The ball is the egg, and boy, oh boy, all birds, not to shoes, have been involved in this season.

It's been quite exciting, isn't that right, Ramona?

It is, squab.

I cannot believe a full year has gone by since we were calling the last Penguin baseball game.

It is a beautiful day out here.

The

field is freezing.

Our box is warm.

And I am so excited to see these birds play baseball.

My box is warm, though.

So, Squab, don't play it.

Squab,

we're at work, honey.

You're right.

You're right.

I'm Squab Euchre, and this is my partner, not just in crime, Ramona Falcon, the owl.

And

hey, it's kind of fun.

The

New Orleans night owls are in the championship game.

You're an owl, Ramona.

How does that feel?

It feels fantastic to see that sort of representation out on the field.

Yes, the Night Owls are a bunch of partiers, but I think that kind of energy is going to bring a lot of spice and fuel to this game tonight.

That is correct.

And of course, they're facing off against the Tampa Bay Shrimp Shredders, so it's sure to be a fucked up game.

Oh, yes.

We have found out all season the shrimp shredders have been really getting their horrible, horrible, horrible flamingo claws into the competition.

They have made some of these games unwatchable and, quite frankly, nauseating to sit through.

And typically, we're joined by our West Coast correspondent, Chip Doof.

But of course, since you two used to be involved, we figured that would be uncomfortable to have him correspond from the West Coast.

So we have him here on site in between the two of us.

Please welcome Chip Doof.

Chip?

Thank you.

Sorry, squab.

Sorry, Ramona.

I appear to be on a little bit of a delay.

But you're here

on site with us.

Chip?

Chip doof?

That's right.

I am here with you in person.

I don't exactly know how this is happening, but jet lag or something.

It could be jet lag.

Obviously, I flew in early, early, early this morning from Malibu, California.

And boy, are your wings.

Oh, you're a human.

Never mind.

Sorry.

No, yes, of course, squab.

But yes, I am a human, so I couldn't make the classic joke.

Or I guess I could, because humans make the joke.

I guess for birds, it's not a joke.

Because their wings would be tired over a long distance.

Chip, this is especially disorienting for me because you are sitting between us, and yet there is a delay in the audio.

And also, we have not seen each other.

I can move if it's going to be uncomfortable for you, Ramona.

I don't want to make.

Obviously, I said it at the wedding.

I'll say it here again.

I'm a huge supporter of everyone moving on.

You're saying that with your words, but not your actions, Chip.

You are sort of doing one thing with your mouth and very other things with the stuff that you're doing.

Let's leave what is the courts to the courts, okay?

Because alimony doesn't really

make sense.

Owlimoni

in a context where you and your ex have the same job and the same salary.

So it just feels like I'm being asked to pay, you know, and it doesn't matter.

It's funny that you think we have the same salary when I did get promoted back in December, the same month that you and I finalized our divorce.

Okay, well, then me paying Alamoni seems our Lamoni seems a little more.

I mean, what are we doing here?

I mean,

tell us what players you're excited to watch out there on the pitch today.

Well, I think I'm most excited, just in name alone, to see New Orleans Night Owls star Squab Dylan come up to the plate.

He's been having a hell of a season.

I'm also very, very curious to see what happens with Egg Bigio

of the Night Owls as well as Periskeet Ulrich,

sort of a poor man's

fawny depth.

And of course on the Shredder side, we have just

a lot of nasty birds.

We have Screech Osama bin.

Osama bin Robin, never get used to saying that name.

Alex Rodge Goose, of course, has been an absolute superstar in the game, sort of redefining how you can catch an egg.

And also, Chicharone.

Chicharone, I feel like we're going to see some very exciting plays from Chicharrone this game for the Shredders.

That's right, squab.

And I'm just getting this updated list of the Tampa Bay Shrimp Shredders roster.

And it looks like the following birds are dead: Screech, Osama bin Robin, Alex Rod Geese Goose, and Chicharone.

Oh, that is half the team.

That's how they play.

Who are I named?

Am I playing?

That's Alex?

That's how they play Penguin baseball.

The Shredders have had an incredible season.

We can't quite say why they're in the final because of all the fucked up shit.

And I'm sorry, obviously, I bought a little bit of a delay, but if we could just bleep that.

They've been doing this season, but they're here in the finals, but it hasn't been a road without a long.

I guess it would be more of a flight since it's birds, but they can't fly, so they have to walk.

So it's still a road because a lot of the team has perished this season.

Right.

And we anticipated that there would be some chaos this season because all birds, not the shoes, were invited into the league.

So we figured there'd be some bumpy roads, some things to have to iron out.

We could not have anticipated the amount of blood, guts, and gore that would happen at these shrimp shredder games.

But on the night owl side, we saw some down-the-middle great penguin baseball being played by some of these players.

Obviously, Macaw Calkin

sort of came back with a vengeance midway through the season and sort of, I'll say it, I'll say it, became the star of the team.

Home played alone is what people have been chanting.

Also, which I, how do we feel about that chant before you sort of try to move past that so quickly?

We don't

have to be swab and then you try to.

The producers are saying we have to move on.

Ramona, I do want to say, and I guess there's, you know, there's no real time in a championship game to have sort of

under-the-table talk.

So, Ramona, I do want to say I got a new journal last night, and I'm a little worried that it's a death note situation because the four players on the shooters I mentioned have just turned up dead.

So I'm going to stop writing in that journal, and if the cops come, burn the journal.

Of course, honey.

And if you do choose to write in the journal again, do I have a name suggestion for you?

It arrives with hip hoof.

Chip.

Today's game is brought to you by Feather Butter.

Wait, what the fuck?

If your feathers are feeling a little tired and under the weather, try feather butter.

Feather butter, you can't believe it's not butter because it doesn't have the smell, consistency, or taste of butter.

Feather butter, when you're in the mood for butter, feather butter.

Feather butter, feather, feather.

And I'm reading that verbatim.

Verbatim.

That is what they wanted me to read.

That's not a mistake.

That's not a misspeak.

That's their copy.

And it looks like, oh, it looks like it's time for the start of the game.

We're going to have the bird national anthem.

So let's all take off our head feathers or caps, and we will put our wings folded behind our back

as we hear the bird national anthem.

And of course, the bird national anthem this year is going to be sung by none other than Jelly Roll.

Or if anyone has a bird pun on Jelly Roll, say it now.

We'll give about 20 seconds for that.

We'll leave a few seconds for anyone to think of another bird pun

for jelly roll jelly crow

jelly crow crow jelly jelly crow jelly rolly jelly um oh looks like jelly roll is dead

okay

a bird from the audience has been plucked out uh oh poor cheer

um

to sing the bird national anthem.

Oh, and it looks like the emergency team was about to administer CPR, but now that the anthem is being sung, they have to put down their equipment and pay homage.

Squack, spock, squawks, squawks, fox, squawk, squawk, squawks, pocket, squawk, sounds like the bird forgot the words.

Sounds sort of like the 90s hit go ahead now, which I don't know if that's the end.

Two princes, I think it's called two princes.

Two princes is the band.

The band, I think, is Spin Doctor.

Really?

Spock, Spock, Spock, Scott Spox.

Isn't Spin Doctor's Michael J.

Fox and he's like the mayor?

Oh, no, you're thinking of news radio.

Okay.

Well, that was not the national anthem.

That was two princes sung by a bird whose feathers had all been plucked out.

And just another moment as they remove a

nepotizing jelly roll from the field.

Squab, Chip, what are some of your favorite penguin baseball traditions?

I know some people were a little bit worried about the game changing so much, letting all birds not the shoes in this year, but

what are some of your favorite things that make penguin baseball penguin baseball?

To me, and that's an excellent question, Ramona.

Sweetie, let me just give you a little smooch.

Let me lean over.

I would say,

number one.

Thanks for asking, Ramona.

Gotta be...

Oh!

oh, no.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

No, please.

Gotta be confident

in the parking lot.

Okay.

No.

And you go.

Oh, God.

I love these kinds.

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