Patreon Preview #319: The Penguin Baseball Fan Experience

Oh, wait, Dad, I forgot my glove.

Somewhere in the trunk.

Let me grab it.

God damn it.

Dad, what?

Hold on.

Sorry.

No, I.

Just everything's gone wrong today, and

your glove's not in the back.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

How am I going to catch the egg?

Well,

the ball's the egg.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, maybe you'll catch it.

Maybe it'll crack.

crack.

Either way, if it comes at you, I don't want you covered in yolk to get all over the, I left your glove.

Look, Luke, I'm sorry, buddy.

Your dad's had a pretty awful day, and I just wanted this to be, you know, we only get one weekend a month

because that's as much as I want to see you.

And I, uh, God, I just wanted this day to be perfect, and I...

I know I left your glove back at my apartment, and I'm sorry I didn't pack it.

That's okay.

You're probably playing playing penguin baseball in your backyard, Honda.

You're the biggest penguin baseball fan there ever was.

I tell everybody at the school that I go to that my dad's the biggest

penguin baseball fan there ever was.

Yeah, sure.

Anyway, yeah, let's uh hey,

we're here.

We might as well still see the game.

Unless you don't want to see the game, you want to go

maybe to the casino?

Dad, you're not legally allowed to go to the casino anymore, and you're definitely not allowed to bring me a kid.

I can't help you run those deals anymore, or cheat those games.

Yeah, you're right.

We shouldn't go to the casino, even if I did find one that doesn't know about my lifetime ban from all casinos.

And

I maybe forgot your glove because I packed a little butler outfit, and I was going to tell everyone that you're just like a butler with the Benjamin Button disease, which is why you're small.

And it doesn't matter.

I've tried that one before, and it went so well, and then you went to jail.

First of all, I didn't go to jail, Luke.

I went to prison.

Prison

is way worse.

It's way worse.

Yeah, it's way worse.

It's terrible.

And I don't wish it on anything.

Yeah.

But if I could just make enough.

It doesn't matter.

Penguin baseball.

You know what?

We're here.

Let's.

Hey, the crack of the egg.

Do they hit the egg?

I guess the ball is the egg, so they must hit the egg.

I guess you never really thought about that.

It cracks every time.

Did it crack every time?

Then how do they do the baseball part of it if it cracks?

Is it fragments of eggs?

Do you have to have the full egg thrown for asking all these questions luke but hey look look where we are huh buddy look penguin baseball huh this is where they play it for real

i've only ever seen it on those tvs yeah those tvs that we go to see when we go to a best buy because i can't have a tv in my house you're not illegally allowed unless we go to an otb because they have tvs and otbs as well which we could hit up except for the wild wings dad i'm not so good at letters

no that's a bw3s It doesn't matter, Luke, because

this day's about you, and you only get one a month, and you only get a couple of hours

on the actual day.

Hey, Dad, would you be proud of me if I catch the egg?

Maybe on the Jumbotron, maybe they'll show a dad and a son watching penguin baseball together, catching the egg, huh?

Well,

if they show you on the screen, I'll be proud.

If they show me on the screen, I will duck down real fast because I just can't have a photographic record of where I am right now.

Because, buddy, I'm not supposed to be here.

I know, Dad.

I know.

I'm supposed to be dead, drunk in a ditch, dead somewhere.

Yeah, dead, drunk in a ditch, dead somewhere.

Dad, dead, drunk in a ditch somewhere.

But, you know, I'm lucky I'm living my second life, Luke, and I just, yeah, I want to give you a, I just want to give you one good day.

Hey, because you may never see me again after today.

Yeah, and Dad, last time I said this, you took off running, but I think I'll risk it and I'll say it one more time.

I love you, Dad.

Oh, slammed right into a car.

Oh, shouldn't have run to the full parking lot.

Hey, buddy.

I hear it.

I hear that, you know?

Loud and clear.

Message received.

You're running away.

Oh, God.

I'll love these gang birds.

These birds are playing away.

What can I grill up for you boys?

Maybe just a hot dog?

Hot dog coming right up.

We're trying not to.

Normally, I know we used to have wings last year and stuff, but we're trying not to eat birds.

Now that the league let birds in.

Don't get me started.

Don't get me started.

Don't get me started.

Well, penguins.

Penguins are birds, right?

Yeah, yeah, but they don't fly.

And so I'm sort of a...

I was one of those penguin purists, but that's not just what I'm doing.

It's penguin baseball season.

We're grilling.

We're in the tailgate and we're having fun, boys.

We're having fun.

Yeah, because chickens play now, right?

Yeah, anyone can play now, it seems like.

Birds, roosters, chickens, peacocks.

They got a whole flock of idiots.

Those are all birds.

Yeah, they...

Yeah.

And

you listed like four specific birds.

But all birds can play.

Yeah, all birds.

Can we do a burger?

Did you say a burger?

I said burger.

Are we going to play?

Yeah, we can't do burgers anymore because

they're expensive because birds can play in the league now.

So wait, I can't do do a burger.

What am I supposed to order?

You had a hot dog, I guess.

We got hot dog and hamburgers.

It's disgusting.

Hamburgers?

No.

Do we have chips?

Maybe I'll just eat chips.

Yeah, we got loose chips.

I heard a rumor that during spring training, one sorry, spring chicken training, one of the chickens got their head cut off, and they're still playing.

Yeah, I think

that's the whole New Orleans night owls is a bunch of chickens with their head cut off.

Am I right, fellas?

Yeah, bye, bye bye, bye bye, bye bye.

You know what?

The game might have changed, but it's still penguin baseball.

The Diego's still the ball.

We're out here.

It's springtime.

I'm with, you know, commercial.

Fellow Forgers fans.

We're all pigeon forager foragers fans.

I'm sorry, so Joan.

I can tell you're wearing the Forgers merch.

We all

merch.

Huh?

Yeah, this is bootleg shrimp shredders merch.

Spit up those chips.

I only feed fellow Forger fans.

Are you hearing this, Ed?

Yeah, I mean, for a hot dog, I'll be a Forgers fan.

Yeah,

I'm a Forgers fan.

Ed, I want a fucking hot dog.

Don't tell me you're shrimp shredders, fans.

Don't come over to my truck.

Drink my beer.

Watch those tongs.

Eat my chips.

The chips, the chips.

I'm gonna take these tongs, reach down your throat, pull out the chips.

Holy shit.

Give me back those chips.

This is for Forger fans only.

We're Casey Tony loyalists in this part of the parking lot.

Some of those chips look older than today.

Yeah, some of those chips I bought with my own money.

Give them back.

Yeah, I'll take your chips and I'll take whatever else I can get from your stomach filled with shrimp, you freaking shrimp shredders.

You Forgers fans are all the same.

You know what?

I hope the shredders fucking crush you today.

Oh, you do?

Yeah, we do.

You, fuck you.

You family.

Ed, piss on this guy's table.

Okay.

You think I don't already have piss on my table?

I'm a singer.

Wait, don't talk, don't talk.

I can't pee when I'm.

Okay.

Shit.

Your coward friend can't even pee on command.

No, no, no, he can't.

Give me a second.

Give me a second.

He can't.

Don't look at me.

I'm not going to let him concentrate or let him pee.

Are you crazy?

No, wait, just if you do, though, it's really good.

Like, it's a really, he does really good pee.

He has a super full bladder.

Okay, okay.

Don't look at me, but hold my penis.

Don't look at me.

I'm not on your side for this.

I don't want you to pee on my table.

Water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water.

Punch, punch, kick, punch, kick.

Tong, tongs, tongs.

More chips.

Punch.

Oh, got all of these current

birds are playing again.

Okay, so what's gonna happen is, um, you know, this is New Orleans, and so what the Night Owls have is a gumbotron.

It's like a Jumbotron, but what you're going to do is zoom in on people who have a bread bowl of gumbo, and you're going to put them side by side with maybe like a celebrity they look like or something.

Do I have some?

Am I picking the celebrities or?

Yep, so you're just going to look at someone, you're going to...

Judge them superficially as quick as possible.

It doesn't matter if they're insulted or no, no, Mike should not be the the one to do this.

He thinks everybody looks like Ed O'Neill.

He thinks everybody looks like Ed O'Neal.

Even myself, I've been

probably three or four times a day, I'm told, I loved you unmarried with children.

Yeah.

And it's not only Ed O'Neill.

Some people look like Darren Chris.

Those are not the only two celebrities.

No, actually, that's sort of like apple pear body shapes.

There's an Ed O'Neill, and all men are either Ed O'Neill's or Darren Chris's.

So wait, so what am I supposed to do?

I'm supposed to find someone in the audience who looks like either Ed O'Neal or Darren Chris.

This is what I'm saying.

They have to be eating gumbo, and then I make fun of their name, or do I say that they are Darren Chris?

You don't say

the right person for the job.

I was listening.

I understand what you're saying.

I find someone in the crowd who's eating gumbo on the gumbo tron.

Player.

Right?

Player.

Okay.

And then I pick what celebrity they may look like.

If they look like Ed O'Neill or Darren Chris, I will put those two.

But I bet you that will be a rare occasion.

Nobody looks like both Ed O'Neal and Darren Chris.

Unless it's a way older Darren Chris or a well younger Ed O'Neill.

Are you saying JK Simmons is the space between Darren Chris and Ed O'Neill?

50% Darren Chris, 50% Ed O'Neill, and you have Whiplash's own JK Simmons.

I'm actually having a hard time arguing with that.

One, two, three, four, hate Riddle Riddles Clue Crew.

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