#352: Greg

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Um, excuse me, I can't record today because I have a bad attitude.

May I be excused?

You work with it and you use it, Aaron.

I don't want to harness my pain.

Channel it.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

Both the female goldfish.

He was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an ice cream.

And the horse is being riding.

Adult TPC, come look.

Oh, is it some sort of like fun new pet or what?

What's going on?

I hope it's that thing where there's a big bow on a Lexus.

I hope I like look outside and it's like

it doesn't have to be a Lexus.

It could be an Acura.

Can I tell you one Christmas,

my mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, and uncle all got me Lexi.

What's the plural of Lexus?

Lexuses?

Lexus.

Lexuses.

Lexi.

So I go out to the freaking driveway.

There's six new Lexuses

bows on them.

I'm like, I called them over here like a full minute ago, and they stopped in the driveway, and now they're just chatting with each other.

So I bought a seventh and I drove a different one every week.

Oh, Lexus for every day of the week.

December to remember?

Oh, they just keep talking.

It was a December to remember.

It must have been.

Well, for six days, and then it was January.

And I threw them all away.

Well, yeah.

You got to drive last year's model.

What am I

doing?

Pete Davidson?

What were we doing?

Were we getting coffee?

Whoa, am I in Aaron's house?

You guys.

Hello.

This is not my beautiful wife.

This is not my beautiful home.

Is that a Pete Davidson?

Etc.

What did you say?

I know it's a Leonardo DiCaprio thing.

I know that he does that.

I should have said Leo.

But I don't know.

Is Pete Davidson known for that?

I know that him and Ariana Grande had a tumultuous relationship.

Pete Davidson stated like

in the last two years.

I don't think Leo's in the Zeitgeist anymore.

What's up, Aaron?

I wanted to show.

Yeah.

Hey, where's my fucking Lexus?

I never said.

What do you want to show us?

Truly, at this point, I'm going to use it for another opening because we're so far afield.

And I hope we've learned a valuable lesson today.

But I'm actually not going to burn through a good concept for an opening I can use down the line.

Yeah, that's smart.

That's smart.

Aaron, that's smart.

Good business.

I'm locking your Lexus and you can never get in.

Good luck getting into Lexus with the bow on it.

Aaron, is this something?

So it's picture it's Christmas time.

Okay.

It's a December to remember.

A car commercial.

It's a bunch of

Lexi Lexuses,

and they're all being

fobbed.

And hey, Lexis, you can have that not for free.

We insist on being paid.

Paid me for it, actually.

Thank you.

Aaron deserves it.

JPC, the Lexus Lexus I did get you, the bow is actually

structurally a part of what you, the car.

Like it can't be removed.

Yeah, no, I wouldn't want to remove it anyway.

I'm going to get engines up there.

Drive-thrus and shit and smacking my bow.

I'm like, ah, it says 10 feet, but how big is the bow?

Do you see that douchebag who rides around town with the carbo on top of his car?

What's his deal?

Have you guys ever seen someone do that thing where they hit the top of their car on a thing where they're not like they they just for whatever reason they're like yeah i i assume that my my car is big enough uh

i've had that happen once with a person and they were just i don't even think it was like an especially big car it was like a well it was a big suv like a huge a huge car like it was a huge car but it didn't seem especially tall but they were going into a parking garage ahead of me and you know before you go into the parking garage it has that thing that's like hey like it'll say the height and if you hit it obviously you're not going to fit in the parking garage they hit that thing and hit the brakes real fast and then they were like trying to back out it was it was a whole production and i was like did you not know like

it seems like this is not like a rental this seems like a car that you are like driving i guess i don't know the height of my car off the top of my head but you should if you're

if you're driving you should be able to eyeball if your car should fit i think we should all be having this facial awareness

if if you're driving on a road maybe you should instinctively know if your car is going to fit somewhere.

It's like a hard time.

It's like when they say, if you high-five someone, if you look at their hand, you might miss, but if you look at their elbow, you'll never miss.

And if you look at your face, you can hit them right in their face.

You can hit them right in their face.

What?

And say, I was trying to high-five you.

I've seen that happen the most, JPC, with people in like U-Hauls, U-Hauls, moving trucks, because they're not used.

It's a bunch of panicked people moving.

They're not used to cars that big.

And also, it's like, if you're like, oh no, this bridge I can't get under, you're like, well, what do I do?

Do I, I, how do I cross America if I can't go on the street?

I know.

Google doesn't have an option on the directions for like, I'm driving something way too tall.

That silence means riddles, doesn't it?

Yeah.

For you.

Well, Adam, how was your trip?

It was great.

I went to, ended up in Hong Kong for a night, which was wild, unexpected.

And then I was in Okinawa.

And you'd never been there before, right?

Never been to Hong Kong.

We had to, since we fly standby,

we had to take a flight that instead of going direct to Tokyo, it went to Hong Kong.

So I was in Hong Kong, then Tokyo, then Okinawa, then back to Tokyo.

Aaron, Okinawa, beautiful.

I'm so jealous.

What was your favorite part?

Probably the Okinawa.

Yeah.

Just like the terrain and the shape and the people just local there.

Yeah.

Because when you're in Okinawa,

let's say this, you're in Okinawa.

It's kind of a saying.

The translation is lost,

I guess.

I got Okinawa once, but I was in like San Francisco.

So it just wasn't.

Yeah.

It just wasn't fresh, you know?

It's different when you're in Okinawa.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

For sure.

Took a karate class.

How did that go?

I did.

So Okinawa is the birthplace of karate is what they say.

I don't know if that's true, but that's what Okinawa says.

So we found on this website, we found a class and it said like,

all experiences, welcome.

A karate class in Okinawa, like authentic karate class.

We go there.

We're, we're the only tourists, we're the only people dropping in who have never done karate before.

This is a full-on class.

So there's all these like black belts and they're doing all this stuff.

Are they children?

There was some children.

And they're like just going nuts.

And then there's like all these black belts and stuff.

And then they kind of see us and they're like, come over here.

And they're like, grab my arm.

And then they like shove me down and they're like, see that?

And I'm like, I guess.

So that part kind of sucked.

But Gemma had a lot of fun because she always wanted to do karate.

And Adel, tell us, did you end up as a black belt by the end of the class?

No, I got what they call a clear belt, which is when they want you to never practice again.

They say, please don't ever come back.

Please don't ever.

Please don't ever move your fists or feet again.

I think a clear belt is a colostomy bag.

I think you were injured so much they had to take some of your intestines out.

That's cool.

It's also fun to show up to a thing when you're traveling abroad where you're obviously like you're the only tourist there.

And you're like, well, I'm both getting an authentic experience and I couldn't be like more out of place in a thing.

Yeah, it was a little rough, but very fun.

Very fun.

Well, I'm glad that you're home, Adel.

Thank you.

JBC, any trips that you took that could help stall.

The fuck are you doing, Aaron?

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

You're in charge of doing riddles.

You're the same old Aaron.

Did you recently go to Riddleville?

I did.

And did you bring us back anything?

I did.

It's not Riddles, though.

Wow.

We're bullshit.

What did you do?

You went to Riddleville and you didn't get any Riddles?

What did you do?

I was eat prey loving.

Wow.

Live, laugh, bean.

That's what Lean stands for.

We drove by a

oil change place the other day and their sign said live laugh lube and mariah and i have been saying live laugh lube to each other for a while now it's just such a fun thing real fast yeah it's it's a fun thing to have on an oil i just don't think that would exist on like an oil change place anywhere but like a big city like chicago like i can see a lot of other like i can see if you doing that like we're in my hometown people like calling the place and being like, you have to take that sign down.

Children see that sign.

I have to explain lube to my 12-year-old.

And it's like, hey, lady,

the name of the place is Jiffy Lube.

Like, lube is already there.

And they're getting away with murder over there at Jiffy Lube.

I know.

They're snickering every time they pull into the parking lot.

They go, we did it.

We did it.

I go into the Jiffy Lube and I go, hey,

do you have

adult

magazines?

And they go into break the sway, sir.

It's like a muffler shop.

Of course, we have Bordeaux here.

Jiffy Lube, Midas Touch,

AutoZone, Roger Zone.

I mean, that's all.

Do more, do more.

It's pouring all the way down.

Oh, what are more of the auto parts stores?

Mina key?

Mina key?

Yeah.

Yeah, that sounds dirty.

Wait.

Way over in the mina key.

What else?

What else?

What else?

What are some other

auto parts store?

Auto erotic.

Auto parts

something,

you know what?

We probably did it.

No, no, we exhausted.

There's riddles at the end of this rainbow.

Okay, that's it.

Aaron, it is I, the mayor of Riddleville.

You forgot your book of riddles that we gifted you.

And I also forgot my coat at your place.

Oh,

well,

I guess that just means I'll see you tonight.

Um,

whispers in your ear, can I pet your butt?

Yeah, of course.

Peter, but

oh, oh, Riley Gasm, oh, oh, Riley, O'Reilly,

what are we doing?

My friends are not listening

on your way, Mr.

Mayor.

See you later tonight.

All right,

all right.

So we're actually

sorry,

he's back in the driveway mumbling about car stuff.

Auto parts.

See, that's what I said.

Auto parts earlier.

You could change pet boys to penis boys if you took just a P E, it's a strategy penis

penis

Clip it penis every penis.

That's what PEP stands for.

Clip it.

What else?

What else?

Penis every penis.

All right.

Well, today we're actually for our warm-up riddles.

We are double dipping with

from a listener who has submitted riddles before.

In fact,

in fact,

the

this is what he said.

I was really excited to hear you read my riddles.

So excited, in fact, that I paused the episode, called my wife, who proceeded to put the podcast on for her entire office.

And then when you made fun of my name, it crushed.

All caps and bold.

And you instantly nabbed a few extra listeners.

I will forever be Connor O'Nephew Old,

which his name is Matthew Micknese Young.

And I don't remember making fun of his name and calling him Connor O'Nephew Old, but we did.

I think I do remember this because it's like, it's hyphenated, right?

It's like there's like a dash.

Yeah.

And it was, to me, I was like, it's funny to put an adjective

to describe yourself at the end of your last name.

Like if my name was John Patrick Cohen, cool.

Yes.

And I wanted to read this again because I sort of got excited at the idea that this episode right now that we're recording here right now could be playing in an office somewhere in front of a big group of people.

What a wild situation to play our podcast.

I know.

What if you, everyone just took a second, took the floor, you have a whole office's attention right now.

Wow.

Okay.

Matthew McNeese Young, his wife.

Do we know where he works?

Or sorry, where his wife works?

We don't.

Let's just assume it sounds like an office.

Let's just assume it's a typical.

I'm going to assume it's the home.

Oh my God.

Whoa.

These jokes were funny in like Biden times.

They're getting less funny now.

Actually, I can say that because I am the home spouse, and so I have home spouse privilege.

And actually, domestic labor is labor, Aaron.

How dare you?

How dare you think wives don't work?

Yes.

I guess I'll take the floor first.

Yes, adult, please.

Take the floor.

I'm a little nervous.

Picture them all naked.

Hey, there's my wife.

Sorry, sorry.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

How about that weather?

Let's circle back today.

You're all rock stars.

They love stuff like that.

Quarter.

It's about to be quarter two.

So I hope, or we're in quarter two, so I hope that we all,

you know, kind of go for the gusto, to coin a phrase, to turn a

turn a pancake.

i love you all

more uh produce more we have to produce more whoop all right awesome adle incredible speech i have heard you give it before yeah that's my

it's my standard office speech it's on note cards uh jpc you have the floor

not that what adult did was not super clear to me but what are we doing You are addressing an entire office right now.

That's right.

Darren, do you mind if JPC dresses down an entire office?

Whatever he feels is best.

Okay, and a whole office full of people.

All right.

Greg can't drink at office functions anymore.

I think we can all agree what Greg does when he drinks is not good for morale, not good for Greg, not good for company culture,

not good for

just in general, our image in the world.

So there's a Greg right now losing his mind.

Blanket statement.

Greg no longer is allowed to drink.

And that's anything.

Greg can't even have fucking water.

Because when Greg drinks, he makes, first of all, a huge mess.

There's a lot of computers here.

I think you can all agree water and computers don't mix.

You know what, Greg?

You're fired.

I came into this thinking I wasn't going to need to do that.

But no.

Greg, this is your last day.

This is your last hour.

Greg, this is your last minute.

You know what?

Lock the doors.

Greg can't leave.

We're all killing Greg.

We're going to do it Julius Caesar style.

Everybody grabs some scissors and we're all going to get Greg once with the scissors.

Because he's.

I mean, it just can't.

We just can't have more Gregs in the world.

We just can't have this shit.

Because look at what he does.

And look at where we are now.

And now, and now we all do it together.

We're bound to secrecy, you know?

If one of us goes down, we all go down.

We all kill Greg.

Hey, Aaron.

Three, two, one, get him.

Right now, Greg is losing losing his blood.

JPZ, just in case there's no Greg in this office, can you run through a bunch of names we can plug in?

Just in case there's no Greg there?

Okay, yeah, I mean, we won't need to, but because there's always a Greg.

And if you don't know who the Greg is at your office, you're the Greg, mother of the Greg.

Yeah, but we'll do it.

Greg, Grug,

Grog, Geeg.

I think they can start with other letters.

No, I think that's all the iterations that it could be.

Well, perfect.

For the different cultures.

Aaron, as someone who has a PhD in JPC,

I think what JPC's brain did was think of an office, thought of the office, thought of the creator Greg Daniels, and launched into using Greg.

And

Adel,

I'm going to need you to take your doctorate off the wall and burn it.

That thing has a dark, dark energy to it.

Burn it in the dead of night.

Bury the ashes, okay?

My PhD in JPC is actually made from human skin.

Yeah, and I figured

it out.

My THE and JPC is made from human skin.

My THE and JPC is made from human skin.

All right, I'm going to just quickly address the office before I read these riddles.

On the count of three, everybody point to who you're sleeping to.

Or on the count of three, sleeping to.

That's who you are.

Hold on.

Point to who you're sleeping with.

No, sleeping to is who you aspire to sleep with.

We got him, everybody.

We got him.

Sleeping with two, Brute.

Step, stab, step.

Step, step, step, step.

I'm sleeping with Stephanie, but I'm sleeping to Molly.

Like, that's

Stephanie.

No, if it's Stephanie, you're a stepping stone.

We all know.

I'm trying to make Molly crazy jealous.

Well, Stephanie's a six, and Molly's a seven, of course.

We all know how the numbers work, gang.

You got to go up.

Now there's a Stephanie losing her mind.

And these are celebrity mouthfuls.

Hilarious.

Stephanie covered in Greg's blood.

Like, huh?

Huh?

I can't believe we made a whole office stab one of their office mates.

We're so sorry.

If you need a reminder, each setup will be a celebrity's name followed by two things that rhyme with it, and it will work into a complete sentence.

And once we are in these, you're going to remember how they go.

Okay.

This actor from Severance brings his own Chinese meal consisting of boiling broth and raw meats meant for dipping.

Zach Cherry Wantan.

No.

He sounded like Whitecliffe Jean in the Fujis.

One time, one time.

It's drumming my pain with my fingers.

Adam Scott hot pot.

Yeah.

Adam Scott brought his own hot pot.

Oh, we have to have that interstitial language.

Yeah, if you could.

I'm not going to.

You know what, Adol?

It's a Monday, probably.

I'm not going to come down on you hard here.

Aaron, that reminds me.

Very quickly, do we have time for a new impression I created while in Okinawa?

Oh, please.

This is

a combination.

This is a combination.

I've created it in Okinawa.

Are you sure you want to hear this?

This is a combination.

This is a combination.

Something you said just dug my memory.

This is a combination of March, Simpson, and Garfield.

I love Homer, but I hate Mondays.

Very nice.

Adam, I'm going to need to take that impression off the wall.

It's Marchfield.

Burn it.

Garf March?

Garf March.

It's Garf March.

Sounds like you're throwing off.

Oh, wait.

Not Darth March.

Lasagna.

Darth March is lasagna.

American actress, guys.

I can't stress to you enough.

This is nothing.

Okay.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I thought

this is nothing.

Well, no, Darth March is nothing for sure, but Garth March, I think, is good.

Garth March is great.

Yeah.

I sent Normal to Timbuktu.

American culture is melting.

That's what that sounds like.

This American actress who played both Cat Woman and Bond Girl is clipping the foliage around a bush in order to make it appear like an animal outside of a building that houses books.

Hallie Berry's library.

Topiary?

Topiary.

Hallie Berry's library topiary.

What is she?

If she's the one doing it, let's try to put it into, just put it into a sentence.

Hallie Berry is

shearing

library topiary.

Hallie Berry shapes a topiary outside of a library.

Aaron, I was told this would be a celebrity followed by two rhyming words.

Yes, but then you got to put it inside the sentence.

Okay, okay, okay.

So we.

If you can, just try.

Yes, it is.

Okay.

I was confused because I thought when we put it in a sentence, we were looking for like four more rhyming words, but it's only ever going to be two rhyming words and then we can invent.

Halley Berry topiary library.

Aaron.

Got it.

You've never in all the episodes, hundreds of episodes, you've never asked me to try.

And I never have.

I will honor this one wish.

Oh my God.

I had to ask you guys to try.

Oh, my God.

Wait, what have you been doing?

It's all starting to make sense.

What have you been doing?

Wait, Aaron.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry, everybody.

This actress who played Padme.

Yeah, you have to say actress.

She's an actor.

Padme Amadala in Star Wars

lays on top of a four-door passenger car with the intent to expose her skin to ultraviolet light.

Natalie Portman's Ford

Pinto.

Escorton.

Natalie Portman's Ford Escorton.

JPC saved me.

JPC saved me.

No way.

Well, you know, there's actually two exorcists that played Padme because Kieran kiera nightley played padme's clone so isn't that something oh kieran i remember that no isn't that something so it could be butter clone it was like her stand-in right her her um like yeah clone is the wrong word because especially for a movie that famously had a ton of clones in it yeah yeah

if i was kier nightley and i was like her assassination double and like Natalie Portman is disguised as like my footmaid or whatever, I just publicly am like, kill this footmaid.

They kill Natalie Portman, and then I'm like, well, now I'm queen.

Yeah, but once they take the makeup off, they're going to realize it's a different guy, right?

No, because I've been the double the whole time.

Because you've been the double the whole time.

Actually, that's a pretty smart play.

Scarf is Scarf Marge logic, so don't try, don't think about it too hard.

I think Saddam Hussein's double did that, but then they killed the double.

So it's like, well, is that a good outcome?

With the extent to expose her skin to ultraviolet light.

When are you doing that?

Oh, the Hulk.

No.

Ultraviolet light.

Gamma radiation.

Oh,

in like a red room, like a photo.

No, it's like...

Like a suntan.

Yeah.

Portman, Natalie.

Natalie Portman.

Tanning, Tanning.

This one's kind of...

Tanning Bedman.

Tanning.

Suntan.

Suntan.

Portman and Suntan.

And then four-door passenger car.

Sedan.

Yeah.

I do want to see a quick scene.

I'm not sure.

We're in the middle of something.

Adel said something that made me

just.

You don't have to explain why to see a scene.

Good.

Garf Marge.

Is it Garf Marge?

Adel, you're going to be playing Channing Tatum.

You are at a, and Aaron, you're going to be working

at a bank.

And Adel,

you're going to forget that your name is Channing Tatum.

And you're really going to be trying to search for it and hit what your name is

when Aaron's checking you in here to make a deposit or withdrawal or whatever.

Sure.

Hi, welcome to Chase Bank.

How can I help you today?

Wow, you're pretty.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, sorry.

I'm looking in the reflection of the sort of

plastic sort of guard here.

Oh, my God.

I did it again.

Sorry, I'm just

a very pretty man.

Nice to meet you.

My name is Chuding Tootum.

I think I'm here, right?

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm feeling just a little muffled through the glass.

Chudding Tateman?

Chudding Tateman.

Sorry, sir.

I'm having a little bit of a hard time.

You just need to lean a little bit closer to the glass and I'll be able to hear you and type your name in.

Or you could give me, if you want to hand me your

card.

My name is

Cuddling.

No, that can't be right.

Everybody on the floor.

The dance floor.

The dance floor.

Magic.

You can't.

Pick a card every card.

Mike.

You cannot.

I don't care if you're a celebrity.

You cannot be yelling everybody on the floor inside of a bank.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I know.

I think I might recognize you.

Whoa!

Hey, is that who I think it is?

Hey, it's me, Joe Mit Joe Mangligello.

Joe Mangligello?

Oh, that can't be right.

Jonah Hill?

Oh, no, the tall one.

Oh, for Magic Mike.

I'm uh, God, what is oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

John

Sargia Servarva.

Don't say we're married because obviously I'm not idiot.

Hey, yeah, I got divorced.

Oh, I feel like.

Oh, my god, fellas, is this a movie reunion or what?

It's me, Moon

Moot Boomy

from white.

White suits?

That's not right.

The white suits.

On TNT?

No.

Chorning Tillman.

Chorning Tillman?

Oh, oh, oh.

I know who you are.

You are.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I got it.

You know what?

I got it.

Stalker Channing.

I'm Stocker Channing.

I was Rizzo in Greece.

You know what?

I'm Joe Montene.

What do you want?

I am a football player.

I am not.

I am not.

What do you guys want me me to type into the computer?

Money.

Money, please.

Money, please.

The perfect scene.

Erin, the perfect scene happened on your watch.

Oh,

God.

Wait.

Are the things that happen on your watch?

Look at me.

That's fucked up.

Sandra Doe.

Just adult saying his name at first going.

I could've right.

As a kid, I thought her name was Stockyard Channing.

That makes sense.

My mom had to step in and correct me.

Thank you.

Is Stockard?

That's her

legal name, legal birth name, Stockard.

I've never, there's no other Stockards, right?

I don't think anybody changes their name to Stockard.

I don't think.

Well, could it be like a

Martin Sheen thing where there's like it's like a stage name, but you wanted to pick something that was unique.

Martin Sheen, probably not the right example, because that doesn't seem super unique.

Well, he's a Martin Estevev.

Estevev?

No, he's like, his name is like Alonzo Estevez or something like that.

It's, it's, I don't even think, maybe Martin is one of his middle names or something like that.

You know, it doesn't matter.

We can't Google it.

We can't Google it.

We'll never know if Stockard was her real name.

Maybe Stockard's short for something.

Any relation to Carol?

Aaron, do you know?

No, I doubt.

Oh, I think McCarthy.

I love Carol.

I love Carol Channing.

Obviously, Earth.

Move.

That's Carol King.

Aaron, what did you say that the guy from White Suits,

which is so funny, what did you say his name was?

That guy's name I truly don't know.

Matt Bomer is his name.

Oh, he's like a broader.

He's like,

I'll say it.

He's proper handsome.

Yeah.

He reminds me of, oh, the guy who played Superman.

Henry Capella.

Henry Cavill.

Is Matt Bomer American?

Because he could just be like American Henry Cavill.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's also gay.

Aaron.

He's so

sad.

He's like bizarre Henry Cavill.

Can you call gay people bizarro?

Again, you could under Biden.

And now it feels.

No, you definitely can't under Trump.

That's definitely something that people are proud of being able to.

Bizarro Superman is gay.

Okay.

I know everything is so scary right now, and things are very rarely funny.

And especially with Trump, it's just not funny because it's so scary and dangerous.

But yesterday, I wanted to

wind down for the night by watching like a nature thing on Netflix.

And I watched like our world's oceans.

And the narrator of that is Barack Obama.

And I was sitting and I was watching him talking about whales.

And then I started like dying laughing because I went, can you fathom Trump ever doing something like this?

Like agreeing to narrate a nature documentary about like whales in the Pacific Ocean.

He would get so sidetracked so fast.

Oh, it was dog laughing.

They call them kill her whales.

Beautiful whales.

Never seen them killed, but

I've heard that they can.

They call them kills.

They can be very killer.

They call them orcums.

He's got a seal.

Seals are very nasty.

It's okay to kill them.

They're very nasty creatures.

A lot of the the whales, they're dying from the windmills.

The windmills are killing the whales.

Actually, Aaron, yes.

Yes, I can't see Trump doing this.

I can see, honestly, like Trump leaves office in three years and he gets the exact same Netflix deal that Obama got because Netflix cares about one thing.

They're like, hey, you know what?

We have a, we just have, I can see Joe Biden doing it too, where he's just like, oh,

here's a whale.

Hold on, where did I see?

Where'd it go?

Okay.

I'm just looking at the water.

I was looking at the water.

I'm crying again.

Okay, hold on.

Hold on.

I got to

go.

What's another?

And what if, and what if Teddy Roosevelt, and I think it would go a little something.

Yeah, yeah.

Bully, bully,

free willy, bully, free bully, free

four whales and score of orca.

No one knows what Lincoln sounded like.

Daniel Day-Lewis was like, what if he sounds like this?

And we were like, I guess we have to.

We have to go.

We don't have any recordings.

He's the actor.

We're kind of fucked.

What a huge swing he made.

I bet every hand blinken talked like this.

But I keep him blinking and I only talk in song.

Or like.

This might be your last movie, Daniel.

And he's like, I'm trying to get fired.

I'm in hell.

Every time I take a role, I'm in hell.

This is James K.

Polk, probably.

And Aaron, there's three rules about James K.

Polk.

Don't feed him after midnight.

Don't get him wet.

Keep him out of the sunlight.

These whales are swimming in the ocean.

People thought what they did with Hamilton was like, oh, actually, we're like race, like flipping it.

But like, that's what George Washington talked like.

Yeah.

George Washington was like super inappropriate.

Like, hey, George, I actually don't think you can do that.

And no, that's just, that's his voice.

He was always like, we are outgunned.

I couldn't think of another thing Washington said.

Can that be realise for just a millisecond?

I know, I know.

This is how George Washington says, I know, I know.

I was aiming at it.

I know, I know.

I think that, I think that Hamilton,

I don't think Hamilton,

it had like a couple of years where I think it was like fine, but then I think the longer it went on, the more it's like politics aged pretty poorly.

I think Moana is Lynn Manuel Miranda's masterpiece.

I think that that movie, and have I been watching a bunch of Moana?

Who fucking knows?

Who even knows that we could say this?

I think that that one is going to go down as like

because I think the best part about Moana is he only did like one little song.

He did the music or whatever, but he only put himself in it a little bit.

Yep.

He on the soundtrack, he does, there's another version of the You're Welcome song.

Yes.

He does like the rap in that version, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm obsessed with Moana.

I love Moana.

Have you seen Moana 2, Aaron?

I have.

I have not seen it because I don't want to spoil the magic of Moana for myself.

I'm a little upset that there needs to be Lion King 2, Moana 2, Little Mermaid 2.

Live action Moana.

Live action.

It seemed like Moana 2 was supposed to be a TV show.

And when I watched it, I tried to go in with the compassion that the writers...

They wanted to make it like an sort of an ensembley deep bench TV show.

And then I think they reworked it into a movie.

And I was like, oh, I can see what you're doing.

And I can see how this would have been a good like eight-episode, whatever, Disney Plus thing.

So I don't think it's like the people who made it's fault.

I think the studio sort of reworked something into a movie that wasn't supposed to be a movie.

I just always assume when something is like goes really poorly, not that it went poorly.

I have no idea how Moana 2 did, but I always assume when something goes really poorly that it's not like one guy's fault.

Like, I'm like, this seems like, this seems like a bunch of emails happened and like it just came out like absolute dog shit.

Yeah.

Lack of art by committee.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, we're going to do one more of these and then we're going to take a break if that's okay with everybody.

Hey, sounds good to me.

This actor who played the Grinch is watching a tiny mythical creature with wings that's especially astute.

Jim Carrey watching a Hairy Fairy.

Jim Carrey watching a Harry Ferry.

You guys got it.

Can we do a quick scene?

And this scene is going to transition directly into break.

Before we do this scene, I just want to thank Connor O'Nephew Old again.

Thank you for your time.

Thank you, Connor, O'Nephew, Old.

Thank you, everyone at the office.

This is just going to be a

quick solo scene.

Adel, you're going to be playing Harry Fairy.

You got to stop doing impressions while people are doing things or else you're just going to get called out.

It's going to go right into break.

Addle, you're going to be Harry Fairy, and you're calling a baseball game.

Top of the ninth, two out, two strikes, two balls.

And it, hey, if you believe in this game, clap.

I would never want to clap.

Clap if you believe in the game.

Wow.

What a great game.

Christopher Walker.

Smelting it to Christopher Walkett.

Break, break, break, break.

I don't know, homie.

Odie.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry.

I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adelaide and Erin, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

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And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website.

Like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

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Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys in your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Huh?

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics.

JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word, how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive, built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic, we've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com/slash Riddle for a free trial.

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JPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-y over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

Jealous much.

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting.

That my experience with the Emperor.

His clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

Uh, no.

Uh, actually, we don't pay with limbs, we pay with money, but this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, please, touch.

Starting at just $60.

That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right, and their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

I have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like someone's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like, it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes.

It's, it's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those riding boots in a minute, and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com/slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle.

Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to walk around.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Mom, yum, yum.

Eats them like cookie monster.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Guys, I need to find a better solution than what I've been using.

I've been going up to this character that's sitting at a booth that it's like free advice for five cents.

She's being like really mean to me.

And then I tried to like kick a football and she moved it and went,

are you joking?

That was so embarrassing.

And I feel like that's not good therapy moving forward.

I need to find a better solution.

No, nuts.

Aaron, you can't be doing that.

You got to do what I do.

You have to whisper your secrets into a rock and throw the rock into the ocean.

Huh?

Or do what I do, which is use BetterHelp, which I think is probably the best option.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Don't talk to a rock or talk to somebody at a five-suit booth from what sounds like a comic.

Talk to an online therapist at BetterHelp.

Yeah, Aaron, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally.

It's convenient as well.

You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, I assume, plus switch therapists at any time.

And BetterHelp's quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

They're not going to move the football on you, Aaron.

Aaron, they won't move the football or they won't throw the rock back.

In fact, they've been told specifically not to throw any any rocks.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

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That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash riddle.

Hey, Adel, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah, it's me.

I'm in the booth.

I'm in the booth.

Nice one.

Well, I'm going to go back to the booth and try the football one more time.

I'm going to let her have it this time.

I'm going to let her have it.

I've been swimming at the edge of the water long as I came with water.

Never water, knowing water.

I wish I could be the perfect water.

When I came back from the water, no matter how hard I drive.

No,

how hard I dry.

Every turn I take, every breath I make, every water break, every

break in the water, make in the water.

What is water

and the sun and the sea?

It's water

until I know.

And no one leaves.

And no one leaves.

And no one's home.

Oh my God, when her grandma turns into the stingray.

Oh, cry about it whenever.

I do think that it's very funny, Aaron, to sing a song where like the first eight eight

beats are about water.

And then you get into what is water?

It's like, oh no, this person singing this water song doesn't know what water is.

Took an insane clown posse turn.

Yeah.

You guys, I have been crying over like nothing recently.

I'm, I've been tipped over so easily.

I'm crying over commercials.

I'm, I was at a bar the other night and my friends were just describing a moment from the most recent season of Survivor that I have not watched and had no context for.

And I burst into tears at a bar with them just describing it.

I was like, that's beautiful.

And they were like, are you okay?

It was probably a really sad story, and it probably has nothing to do with what's going on with you.

It's probably something really sad that happened on Survivor that is universal.

So anyone who was hearing it described would have cried.

Okay.

Sorry, it's the mayor of Riddleville.

You forgot your toothbrush.

Also, I looked in my bathroom trash, and it seems like there's a pregnancy test that says positive.

Guys, can I have a quick second?

Uh, yeah, yeah, are you talking to me?

Yeah, sure, for sure.

Yeah, thanks.

But do I have to hang out with the mayor of Ruddles?

Is that where you go?

No,

yeah, I can't.

I hate making small talk with guys.

Aaron's fucking.

It's truly.

And I'm just going to be right back.

I'm just going to be right back.

Just talk to him for a second.

Talking to Aaron, huh?

Yeah.

So, how is it, man?

Hitting the G-U-T-S.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes, stabbing guts.

That was a term that was bandied about maybe 10 years ago in Riddleville, but I don't think I would say that.

I believe Erin is a respectable woman, and I care for her deeply.

And we've had several.

For sure, we're just a sex-positive podcast, so we don't mind talking about

me and the mayor never had sex.

What are you guys talking about?

What was implying that we've had sex?

Toothbrush, pregnancy test.

You left your coat at my place?

And when I

both of you smells

you smell the way

that means let's just say i changed aaron's oil

smells like somebody's been hitting the skins and i'm not talking about playing football

all right guys if you guys can't talk to the guys that i'm having sex with then what is even the point of having podcast co-hosts

uh uh key to the titties what does a mayor have key to the key to the titties

key to the titties can i get the key to the titty

titty tape parade

that's nothing

i know it's nothing it's about less than nothing yeah it's almost nothing um aaron do we have any can we skip to plugs no

gbc please i never ask

you aaron you i i hate to be the one to say this you always ask do i yeah it's and it's never it's not often verbal but it's it's behind the eyes and it's a pleading it's a pleading to be like can we just do plugs one time you sang it it you sang pink pony plugs i think

aaron i'll tell i'll give you i'll give you options i'll give you options we could do riddles we could have you do more riddles or we could keep kind of like mining the content of like what if you're pregnant and like what other kind of guys have you slept with that we can like bring now

do it uh

i think you i think if you were pregnant this maybe the worst way to find out about it is by someone being like maybe you're pregnant on a Riddle podcast.

And then you go and take a test and you're like, uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

When Adol said he had a dream about being pregnant, I literally had a moment where I was like, oh my God.

How could that happen?

Because I'm a virgin.

No.

I was like, oh, my God, if he's intuitively

knowing this.

No, I don't, you know what?

If I do ever find out I'm pregnant, I hope one of you tells me.

I hope one of you somehow finds out before me.

If I had the ability to carry a child, I think that I would have taken like a million pregnancy tests in my life.

Not a million.

Oh, yeah.

I'm not out there fucking that much, but I think that, well, let's see.

The amount of pregnancy tests that I've taken as a man has been zero.

I think it would be.

You haven't tried it for fun?

I've never seen it.

I've peeed on six.

I've peed on some used ones.

When Mariah took a pregnancy test that said that she was pregnant, I tried to pee on it to see if I could pee the baby out.

Sort of a pee out the poisons.

Yeah.

Yeah, Yeah, sort of a pee out the poison, but like kind of like try to see if I could reverse it.

That makes sense.

I think.

So you think the baby's inside the pregnancy test?

I peed on Mariah's positive pregnancy test when she was pregnant, and then the pregnancy test changed to this, whatever this is, can't support life.

Whatever it's growing needs to be killed.

They had actually listed a phone number, and I called the phone number, and it was

a priest, right?

Well, I was like, yeah, it was like a priest, but like

a dark web black market, like what are the type of priests that will like come

assassin.

I think I've told this story on the show before, so stop me if I have.

But when I was a freshman in college, we did a exercise in acting class where you had to find something with like a sense of urgency in the scene.

And you got to pick what your object was.

Like some people picked like a watch or like

whatever, like a receipt.

And I was like, oh, I'll pick like a pregnancy test because someone would be urgently trying to find one that they like maybe hid somewhere in a room.

And I thought, and I, it went well.

I got a good grade on the scene.

And

that ended up.

I know, whatever.

It's fucking nothing.

It's made up.

I threw, because pregnancy tests a lot of time come in packs of two.

Yeah.

And I had bought it from like the dollar store or whatever.

And I threw it in my box of props.

So it was just like wigs, props, various other nonsense, and then forgot about it for the rest of the year.

My mom came to pick me up for my freshman year of college to move me out and saw it.

And then my mom started acting so weird for like three days.

And I was like, you seem kind of mad at me.

Like this Irish Catholic, like, and I was like, what is going on?

Like, why are, why are you acting so weird?

And she finally was like, Erin, I found a pregnancy test in your room.

And I was like, this is the worst moment of my life.

Imagine an Irish Catholic mom being mad about pregnancy.

I know.

I was like, mom, that was for an acting exercise.

And thank you for rubbing it in that I did not have sex at all this year.

Like, it is the, it is a different level of humiliation to have your mom think that you were having sex all year and being like, nope, no one wanted to.

Thanks, though.

Thank you.

I would have done it.

I would have roundonged it.

I said, I'll just take the test.

This This reminds me, and stop me if I've told this one before, but I'll say very quickly.

My sister Sadia, who's a tremendous actor,

was taking a class.

I won't say the name of the theater, but it's a very popular theater.

And there was like a sub for the acting class.

So this sub was going around the room and was like, I'm going to ask you a question.

I just want you to respond honestly.

And the teacher goes to the sub goes to the first student, the acting student, and they go, your house is on fire.

You have to save one thing that's not a pet or a electronic.

What is it?

And the person's like,

a photo of my grandma because

she passed when I was 10 and I never really got to know her.

And everyone's getting emotional.

And the sub's like, amazing, amazing answer.

Goes to the next student in order, the second student in line kind of

standing and is like,

You have the power to heal one issue with the world.

What do you heal?

And the person's like,

I think hunger.

I think I would be able to feed everyone.

And everyone's getting emotional.

The sub's like, amazing question.

Then the sub gets to Sadia, who's like, I guess, third, and goes,

clearly ran out of questions and goes, what?

If you were a donut, what kind of donut would you be?

And Sadia's like, ah,

jelly.

And the sub's like, why?

And Sadia's like,

I'm delicious.

And the sub goes, see me after class.

That is fucking awesome.

That is classic stuff.

The sub clearly didn't prepare and then took it out on City of like, if you're not going to take this seriously, and it's like, you asked me what kind of fucking donut I am.

I think, you know, to be in the interest of transparency, if Aaron has told that story in the podcast before, and if Adela has told that story in the podcast before, we should also tell a new story.

So I'll tell you a new story.

It's a very brief story.

Perfect.

The other day, Mariah and I were sitting in the kitchen and she went to microwave something and she looked at whatever.

I don't remember what it was that she was microwaved, but she said three and a half minutes.

And then she went to the microwave and she put in three,

and then she put in five, zero, and she hit start.

And I go, wait a second.

I stopped the microwave.

And I was like, wait a second.

You think 50 is half a minute?

And she's like, I panicked and I just said, whatever.

That's going to be my new mantra.

I panicked.

I panicked.

I couldn't remember what half a minute was.

And I said, whatever, it's fine.

It's just a little microwaving.

Who gives it?

That's so funny.

That's amazing.

Okay, guys, guess what?

I'm actually not giving up on this science riddle book.

That's maybe from Molly.

I'm actually not going to give up on it.

I'm going to complete it.

Okay.

Okay.

Is this, is there a resolution to this?

Did we think you were giving up on it?

Yeah.

I mean, I just assume you guys always assume that I'm giving up.

No.

I think you think I think about you.

More than I do.

Does that make sense?

That's really sweet.

Wait, what do you say?

Aaron, if you can see the audience, the audience can see you.

Yeah,

that's right.

What does that mean?

Objects in the audience may appear closer than they appear.

Aaron, remember Closer with Clive Owen and Natalie, aforementioned Natalie Horton?

Oh, yeah.

Do I remember a hot sexy movie with Clive Owen?

Clive Owen.

We're going to have to get you.

Oh, no.

Okay, here we go.

I might have already done this one.

Sorry.

But we'll quickly get through to once we have it done.

What snacks should you serve robots at a party?

Microbites.

Yeah.

Microchips.

Yeah.

That's a great answer.

Great answers.

But

it's that.

Yeah.

It's not a big megabyte.

Oh, mix nuts and bolts.

Yeah, mix nuts.

Oh.

You got it.

I'd like to see a scene.

Wait, what?

Mix nuts?

Why mix nuts?

Because

bots are made of nuts and bolts.

Mix nuts.

Bots are made of nuts and bolts.

Can I say something?

Oh, here we go.

Hi, Puzzbot.

Hi, Aaron.

You left your coat and toothbrush at my place.

You know what, guys?

Can you talk to Puzzbot for a second?

She's going to be over here.

I don't like to make small talk with JPZ.

God damn it.

So, how is

Cousin Piss?

All right, good.

Yeah, it's great, Puzzbot.

Puzzbot, may I say that you

sound like, you know,

I'm sorry, you.

I better be going.

I bailed on saying it so fast, I did not want to say it.

All right, see you, Puzzbot.

Enough, enough.

All right, guys, I'm back, and I would like to see a scene.

You are two robots at a party,

and

one of you is trying to like

do a graceful exit, and the other one is noticing.

Lou, this has been a killer party.

Yes, I agree.

This party has been a killer.

Man, the music that was chosen was so groovy.

Such groovy tunes.

Groovy tunes, and the drinks were reasonably mixed.

I'm sorry I spilled my Manhattan on your motherboard.

My man, it is all good.

It is literally water under the cooling system.

Phew, that is a gig off my memory card.

All right, brother.

Good to run into you.

Good to run.

Oh, I'm actually going the same way.

Oh, okay.

We were both doing the thing where we say goodbye to one person.

Say goodbye to one person at the party.

I can say goodbye to one person or zero people.

Yes, me too.

It's binary choice.

I feel like if we leave together, people are going to assume that we are going to fuck.

Well, should we give them something to talk about?

Huh.

This is not.

This is not the way I saw this night going.

Contemplating probabilities.

Okay.

Yes, I could be able to do this.

Oh, man, I was joking.

This is awkward now.

I am so sorry I was joking.

Yes, we do.

Me too.

Me too.

Me too.

Recalculating.

Recalculating.

Guys, I'm so sorry to interrupt you.

We're going to have to take your keys because you guys are talking like you're robots and you're clearly really drunk.

We do not want you driving home.

See?

calculating probability of threesome.

Wow.

Looking

unlikely.

That's such a fuck you.

I like made you guys be robots.

And I was like,

honestly, you gave me an idea for the next party I attend, which is to get so drunk that I think I'm a robot.

I wouldn't be drunk, though.

I feel like you could be like odd, like mushrooms enough that you think that you're a robot.

I hit my head

so hard.

Drunk that you think you're a robot.

What did the mad scientist write on the robot's tombstone?

Hmm.

R.I.P.

Yeah.

Probably R.I.P.

Not this time.

R-I-C-D-R-W.

R.I.

Burn C-D.

Aaron, is it something to do with RIP, but it's like

rest in.

You get, it is a play on Rest in Peace.

Rest in Pieces.

Rest in.

Rest in Peace.

Rest in Peace.

Yes.

Rest in Peace.

They're brilliant.

Aaron, I would do one season.

Okay.

Aaron, you are famed outlaw, Rustin Peace.

JPC, you are a bartender at a bar that Rustin Peace has just walked into looking for trouble.

Nah, nah, Rustin, Rustin, your money's no good here.

And I mean that literally.

All your money is rusted to the core.

It just, it ruins the other money that it touches.

Please don't.

Currency is currency, is it not?

Correct, it is not.

Look, we don't want trouble, Rustin.

We'll just give you the whiskey, gratis, on the house.

Just keep your keep your filthy money in your pockets if you could.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

Your piano player used to stop playing when I

walked through those saloon doors, and everyone used to fall silent.

And now,

people keep going

about their day business as usual when I walk in.

Am I losing my touch?

I would say don't touch anything.

Why?

Because you keep saying that.

Because you're filthy, Rustin.

It's the old West.

We're all filthy.

Well, yeah.

So imagine how it must be me calling you out.

You know what I'm saying?

Because we're all filthy.

And you're...

I have half a mind to show you the business end of my gun, sir.

Rustin, I am not scared of that gun because there is no way that rusted piece of metal can fire bullets.

I left it in a lake for four months by accident.

Your whole shit is left in a lake.

That's your whole vibe.

Well, my house is by a lake.

Well, a lot of people live by lakes, and they're...

I've never seen a human being rust.

I've never seen that until I met you, Rustin.

You know what?

I have half a mind to show you the business end of my gun.

I already said that.

I wouldn't put it past you if you did have half a mind.

Because it seems like maybe half your brain has been corroded by some sort of exposure to oxygen and water.

Piano stops playing.

Well,

this has been the most hurtful interaction I've had in quite some time.

You've hurt my feelings.

I'm going to go outside to my horse.

I'm going to lick my wounds.

Don't lick it.

If it licks, it's good.

It's good or rust.

Have you been licking your wounds?

Is that dude?

Oh, brother.

Well, maybe one more quick riddle and then...

Yes, please.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What did the little electric robot say to its mother?

I'm hungry.

Mommy and Dada?

Mama.

Little electric robot.

Can you charge my diaper?

No.

What is wrong with you?

You asked.

You asked.

What is wrong with you?

Are you my motherboard?

No.

Are you my motherboard as good?

But electric is key here, right?

I assume there's a lot of things.

I would just say it's like a robot thing.

I don't think you would be able to get this, but

wait, give us a clue.

You don't think I'm going to be able to get this?

I don't think anyone's going to be able to get this.

Oh.

It's like it's the robot saying, I love you to its mom, but it's the quantity of how much it loves its mom.

Whoa, that is the joke.

I love you

tons and tons.

Yeah, but what's it?

Yeah, there you go.

Combine the two things you just did.

JPC, what you said?

I love you a gigaton.

No, you said a different word.

Megaton.

Male Watts.

There you go.

I love you a Watt.

Yeah, I love you.

Watts and Watts.

Watts and Watts.

I love you, Watts and Watts.

Oh, I guess electric watts.

Yeah.

Okay.

I mean, this.

Have a good attitude.

Casey, can we have a voicemail theme?

Have a good attitude.

Have a good attitude.

Fuck.

Hey, Riddle Riddle has a voicemail you can call.

And if you're nice and leave a message, then they just might play it all on the show.

Unless you're a child, then please go

where to know.

Hey, 05 Riddle 1.

Call 805 Riddle 1.

And now the theme is done.

A play on our favorite song.

Hey there, Delilah.

Wow.

Beautiful

white teas.

Plain white teas.

And I do also appreciate working in the fact that don't call that number if you're a child.

Yeah.

Because

I'm sick of getting voicemails from children.

Isn't it wild that plain white tees are now associated with the bear?

Oh, yeah.

Because of how much they wear plain white tees on that show?

Yeah, Jeremy Allen white teas.

That's funny.

Plain white tees.

And he's a tease.

He's such a tease.

He's such a tease.

Shameless tease.

And can we hear that voicemail, Casey?

Hey, Adolarin and JPC.

My name is Rodolfo.

I'm a longtime listener and short-time fan.

Hi, Rodolpho.

I called you guys about a year ago to tell you I got a new job, and I feel like I'm legally obligated to inform you I did quit that one, and I do have a new one.

Just like last time, you're the first people I told, but this time I got a question.

I'm interested to know what your favorite and least favorite class or multi-class in DD is.

Mine's a delicate balance of a warlock, sorcerer, sorcerer, and a paladin, and my least favorite's rogue.

I'll be sure to inform you when a future job changes.

Until then, bye-bye.

Yeah, thank you so much.

We do want everyone to be updating us on your employment status.

That's just like a legal thing for us.

We need to know where you're working and why.

And why.

And why is a good part?

Rodolpho kind of left out the why part.

So

and we don't always assume it's for money.

Okay, so it's most favorite and least favorite D classes.

I think I might like Ranger the best.

Oh, yeah.

Rangers are fun.

And I probably,

I probably like

Wizard.

Is Wizard a class?

Yeah, Wizard's a class.

I think I like Wizard the least, but only because

you have to keep track of so much.

Yeah.

I think I'm going to hit you with the opposite direction because I think my least favorite would be like kind of maybe just like Fighter, like something that's like vanilla and like big sword hit heavy, you know, that that that yeah, that thing when I'm role-playing, it's not my most favorite.

And I think that my most favorite probably is wizard.

I like the idea of looking through the spellbook and like picking things for like, oh, this could be useful in this instance.

Um, now JBC and the DD game that we played in for like six years together, your wizard name was Vodan, Vodan Chavaris.

Vodan Chavaris.

And he's he here with us now?

Uh, and he might be, if I could remember.

I think I just sounded like me.

I think it was just my voice.

But yeah, I also,

my favorite way to play is the...

There's one thing where you're like, okay, you're a wizard.

You have to cast Fireball because it's like the best damage spell.

But I do like when you play a character.

I think my character that I played in that campaign was an illusionist.

And I like picking spells that don't deal damage because you can think of...

more fun ways to use them.

But I guess it's just, you know, different strokes for different folks.

And then when I played Baldur's Gate 3, my character was a monk.

My main character was a monk.

And I really had a good time playing a monk, beating people up with my fists.

Aaron, I'm going to guess that you like Bard best.

I do.

I was going to say that.

Bard is my favorite.

Not necessarily to play, but like to have in a party.

I feel like you got to have a Bard.

And then I would say, like, I've never felt the

pull to play like a barbarian or like a fighter

that often.

I like sort of magic or like a druid.

Like, I like,

I don't, I don't love being a fighter.

Yeah.

You're more of a flighter, right?

Gotta go.

Well, that was a great question.

Um, also, if you uh, if you want to send us anything in the mail, um, our mailing address is in the show description every week.

You can send us something in the mail.

And if you want to hear us open something that you send us in the mail, check out our live streams that we do every month on our review crew tier of our Patreon.

That is a that is where, I guess I never really say, but that's where I open up all of the packages that people sent us.

So if you have sent us a package and you want to see anytime in the last three years me open it, go check out one of those old live streams on our Patreon because that's where I be opening it.

And quick reminder, I'm campaigning for us to do a

live show in someone's living room in the next year or so.

So send us your wedding invitation.

We want to do it for a couple who they both are, they like the show and they're both interested in the show because we're going going to be doing a live show from your living room.

So, send that in if you want us to do a live show in your living room.

Oh, and before we get to plugs, I'm going to do one like pre-plug announcement that I guess I should be mentioning.

Yeah, it's probably partially plugs.

Um, but if you are joining our Patreon and you want to give us money to listen to our bonus content, do not do it through the Patreon app on the iOS App Store.

Uh, if you try to sign up via the Patreon app on the app store, it charges you, Apple charges you 30% more.

We don't see that money, it just goes to Apple, and it's every month.

So do not do that.

Go to the Patreon's website and sign up via their website.

So just open a browser on your phone or do it on your computer, but definitely sign up for our Patreon on a website, not the iOS app, or you will be charged extra money.

And

that boils my blood that Apple does that.

So just do not give Apple more of your money if you can avoid it.

That was very Yosemite, Sam.

Of you, boils, boils my blood, burns my biscuits.

Apple, anything to plug?

Yes, I want to plug.

Hey, everyone at the office, text or call the Aaron in your life.

For some of you, that might be Aaron Keefe.

For a lot of you, it's not.

Everyone has an Aaron in their life, and maybe just, you know, reach out to them, send them a text, say hi, maybe give them a call, catch up with them, see how they're doing.

Aaron, anything to plug or promote?

Ignore your texts and phone calls from to your loved ones.

No, no, no, no, no.

Follow Quality Time on Instagram if you live in LA.

Are you going to be there soon?

I host a monthly variety show, and it is really a true variety show

in Los Angeles that I'm really proud of.

And I think is always consistently very, very good.

So come check that out if you want.

JPC, anything to plug or review?

Real quick,

next time I'm in LA, could I pop on Quality Time and teach karate?

At all, I actually insist that you do that.

Actually, you're not leaving the city unless you've had.

Take that echo that way.

Do you have seen anything to blog about?

Before I read a review, which I'm going to do, and if you want to submit a review, you can leave a five-star review anywhere that you leave reviews.

And I might read it on the show, but before I do that, I just have to remind everybody: it is still Penguin Baseball Month, April of the Penguins on the Patreon.

Check out our show description for links to our merch store with all new Penguin baseball teams.

It's a lot of fun over there, and it's continuing all freaking month long.

Adult, did you say something?

Said the balls the egg.

Not the balls of the egg.

Of course, the ball is the egg.

Still.

Let's read a five-star review.

This review is titled Five Stars.

It's from Slippy McTripp.

Five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars.

Pig orgasm for 90 minutes.

Five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars.

Thank you, Slippy McTripp.

Disgusting.

Jupiter.

Never eat five guys again.

starring Aaron Keenan

and John Patrick Collins.

Casey Tony did the editing.

They already parroted in the music.

Logo created by Emily Cardamis and Emily Neborus.

Are we doing the seven, eight?

Yeah, yeah, the miniature count.

Hey, I'm down here on the miniature count.

I'm so small, I got the numbers.

Click!

I want to lock your pinkies!

Hey there, burgers and dogs.

If you like that, you are going to love this week's episode.

It's another week of Penguin Baseball, and this time we're giving you the fan experience.

You can listen to that plus the entire bat catalog at patreon.com/slash Hayriddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month, or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a head gum podcast.