Patreon Preview #318: The Ball Is The Egg - A PBL Documentary

Speaker 1 Order, order, please come to order. We hear now

Speaker 1 no more rabbles, please. We hear now from the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the Honorable John Roberts.

Speaker 1 No Roberts.

Speaker 1 As Chief Justice and Representative of the Supreme Court of these United States of America, I have the pleasure, nay, the duty of today writing one of the historic wrongs of this great

Speaker 1 nation.

Speaker 1 Hereto forth hencewith as if whatever,

Speaker 1 the so called Penguin Baseball League shall not discriminate on the basis of plumage, barbs, beaks, bellies, or breasts

Speaker 1 for it is neither waddle nor wingspan that gives a bird the authority to engage in our national pastime.

Speaker 1 It is this court.

Speaker 1 And today, it is the opinion of this court that all

Speaker 1 birds, not the shoes, from nape to nail, feather to fecal sack, and cape to claw waka were created in the glorious image of great

Speaker 1 God

Speaker 1 to play

Speaker 1 baseball.

Speaker 1 To all those assembled here, and all those listening henceforth with B4 out across whatever

Speaker 1 Let it be now known Penguin Baseball League is open to all birds again not the shoes and to all birds really not the shoes I say

Speaker 1 Play

Speaker 1 ball and the egg is the ball

Speaker 1 That's all I can play.

Speaker 1 Tom Sanducci with CNN News. You heard it here first.
Honorable John Roberts has declared that all birds, not the shoes, are now eligible to play ball.

Speaker 2 Jennifer Vagina breaking in here with some breaking news. All birds, not the shoes, are able to play baseball now.
More at 11.

Speaker 1 Jeff Stake here, NBSNCMA, BDDBZ.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I don't know what happened. We have a producer that has a taser, and he's been hitting us under the desk with the taser as we...
It doesn't matter. All birds.

Speaker 1 Tom Sandusky with CNN.

Speaker 1 Some news anchors are being tased is what I'm hearing in my earpiece. An investigation is ongoing.

Speaker 2 Hi, I'm Jennifer Vagina with Fox News. Here to say, I'm the only newscaster left after all of them have been tased.
More at 11.

Speaker 1 Hi, I'm Derek. I'm an intern at MSNBC.
All the newscasters are gone, so I have to be the one to say this, but

Speaker 1 as we all know, April of the Penguins is big. It's huge.
It's the biggest event in sports.

Speaker 1 Shock, shock, shock.

Speaker 1 They can still tase us

Speaker 1 well enough to say the penguin baseball league draft was a huge hit but there are some who didn't make the cut we take you now to one of their stories tase

Speaker 1 owl

Speaker 1 observe here the north american born owl this owl's name is Owl Borlin.

Speaker 1 A play on Owl Borlin, I assume, from home Improvement. A sitcom which I am currently making my way through.

Speaker 1 Season one is delectable, hilarious. The mother's quite gorgeous.
I dare say I have a crush on her, but this is not her story. This is Al Borlin's.

Speaker 1 Born in Missouri, in the small town of St. Louis, Al Borlin was raised by a single owl.

Speaker 1 We see here with our camera crews, Owl Borland talking to his mother about the upcoming Penguin Baseball League draft.

Speaker 2 Let me just fix your hair real quick. I can't believe my baby's going to be playing in the Penguin Baseball League.

Speaker 1 Mom, it's not a sure thing. I mean, I'm eligible for the draft, and hopefully, hopefully, someone saw something in me.

Speaker 2 Of course, they did. Your dad and you have been practicing Penguin Baseball as long as I can remember.
He's going to be so proud of you.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my dad and I have been practicing.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've been throwing the ball up in the air on his grave, if that's what you mean, mom.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 he's still going to be proud.

Speaker 2 We all, we bought you a big cake that said, congratulations on definitely getting into the league.

Speaker 1 Mom, please don't. Chickens before they're hatched.
Mom, I haven't been drafted yet. I mean,

Speaker 1 hopefully I will be. I mean, the odds are likely, I guess.

Speaker 2 Here's the whole family. Come on in, everybody.

Speaker 1 Fly in.

Speaker 1 Uncle Daryl, cousin Susie.

Speaker 2 I can't believe you're all awake during the day for this. We're making a special exception for our favorite little owl.

Speaker 1 I can't believe I had to fly all the way here from Florida where I retired to.

Speaker 1 You're a snowbird.

Speaker 1 How dare you, you impotent?

Speaker 2 Well, maybe our owl here will be a shrimp shredder, and you can go see the games live, huh?

Speaker 1 Baham owl.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, wait,

Speaker 1 here comes the

Speaker 1 draft is on.

Speaker 1 Here comes.

Speaker 2 All right, everybody, quiet down. My baby's about to be drafted into the Penguin Baseball League.

Speaker 1 And that's it for the 2025 Penguin Baseball League draft. Congratulations to all the beautiful birds who are joining the league this year.

Speaker 1 And better luck next time to all the names that weren't picked and boy there were a lot of them

Speaker 2 no there there must be some kind of mistake those fat clowns wouldn't forget about you

Speaker 2 well i didn't get drafted but all shocks did all shocks that makes no sense baby there's been a huge mistake okay hold on hold on maybe it's because a home improvement is not top of mind so when people were reading through the list they didn't understand the reverence why did you give me this name, Mother?

Speaker 1 Wait, what's going on? I flew all the way from Florida. I thought owls were joining the Penguin Baseball League.

Speaker 2 They are. A bunch of them made it, didn't you see?

Speaker 2 We can fix this, right? We can call someone.

Speaker 2 You know what? A friend of a friend went to college with JPC. I can get his number, we can give him a call, and we can try to convince him.

Speaker 2 Tell him that there's been some sort of mistake.

Speaker 1 The owls are desperate. They will do anything to protect their young.
But sometimes, an owl needs to learn on its own. A quick call to a JPC couldn't hurt, though.
Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Speaker 1 Everybody, be quiet. Pick up, pick up.
It's ringing.

Speaker 3 Hello, you've reached the offices of the Tampa Bay Shrimp Shredders. How may I direct your call?

Speaker 2 Oh, I thought this would be right to him. Uh, excuse me, I'm looking to talk to your owner, John Patrick Cohen.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, this is him. Sorry, I do that.

Speaker 3 Voice. I screen my calls.
Ah, shit. I forgot to ask who was calling.

Speaker 3 Nah, too late now.

Speaker 1 Do you answer every phone call like that?

Speaker 2 I feel.

Speaker 1 Is this your personal phone number?

Speaker 3 Yeah. What do I have? Two phone numbers? What do I fucking?

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I just was.

Speaker 1 I assumed that you'd fucking be getting calls that weren't just shrimp shredder related.

Speaker 3 That's how I screen my calls, because then if people like I can like screen my

Speaker 3 Trump does this.

Speaker 1 You're not a

Speaker 2 drug dealer anymore.

Speaker 1 You were in college though, right? Trump.

Speaker 3 Trump does this, right? Am I crazy that he does this? I feel like he had like a persona that he would like.

Speaker 1 After a meandering 52 minutes, the call continues.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I think, yeah, I think

Speaker 2 Elon Musk is the one who

Speaker 3 sounds like him.

Speaker 2 And they're like, is this Elon Musk defending himself? And he goes, absolutely not.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But he is so hot and handsome, isn't he?

Speaker 3 It's just like a weird guy in Germany who, like, kind of is just like an Elon Musk fan. It's just like a crazy thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Anyway, any hoodle, I've been talking your ear off. Probably let you go.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. Sorry.
I had a reason for

Speaker 1 say what? So funny. I had a reason for my call.

Speaker 3 Who is this?

Speaker 1 This is a concerned mother.

Speaker 2 My baby was the absolute best of the best at his Al High School at Penguin Baseball. And we found out there would be a professional league right as he was graduating.
We couldn't believe our luck.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 3 thank God. Bullet-dodged unconcerned mother phone calls, and it's about this.

Speaker 2 Oh, you thought it was going to be like a protection?

Speaker 3 But it's not necessarily going to what I thought it was and what it's absolutely probably not. And I didn't do anything.
And if I did, prove it in fucking court.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Look, who is your child?

Speaker 1 Uh, Owl Bro, Al Borland, sir.

Speaker 1 Oh, did you say Al Bro?

Speaker 2 No, sorry.

Speaker 1 Did you say Al Brolin?

Speaker 2 Homoprovin is not top of mine. It is not in the zeitgeist because we sort of had, uh, we turned on Tim Allen.

Speaker 3 I thought we traded full for uh Al Brolin. He's the Josh Brolin, but an L.

Speaker 1 No, sorry, Owl Borland.

Speaker 3 Oh, Al Borland. Oh, you know what?

Speaker 3 Great player. Um,

Speaker 3 I, I, yeah, remember i watched i watched his combine um yeah no he's he's he's awesome i you know i wish we had

Speaker 1 i wish we had the room for him on the team i really do but you know better get rid of osama bin robin and put how borlin on the team one two three four hate riddle riddles clue crew

Speaker 1 Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle.