Patreon Preview #318: The Ball Is The Egg - A PBL Documentary

Order, order, please come to order.

We hear now

no more rabbles, please.

We hear now from the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the Honorable John Roberts.

No Roberts.

As Chief Justice and Representative of the Supreme Court of these United States of America, I have the pleasure, nay, the duty of today writing one of the historic wrongs of this great

nation.

Hereto forth hencewith as if whatever,

the so called Penguin Baseball League shall not discriminate on the basis of plumage, barbs, beaks, bellies, or breasts

for it is neither waddle nor wingspan that gives a bird the authority to engage in our national pastime.

It is this court.

And today, it is the opinion of this court that all

birds, not the shoes, from nape to nail, feather to fecal sack, and cape to claw waka were created in the glorious image of great

God

to play

baseball.

To all those assembled here, and all those listening henceforth with B4 out across whatever

Let it be now known Penguin Baseball League is open to all birds again not the shoes and to all birds really not the shoes I say

Play

ball and the egg is the ball

That's all I can play.

Tom Sanducci with CNN News.

You heard it here first.

Honorable John Roberts has declared that all birds, not the shoes, are now eligible to play ball.

Jennifer Vagina breaking in here with some breaking news.

All birds, not the shoes, are able to play baseball now.

More at 11.

Jeff Stake here, NBSNCMA, BDDBZ.

Sorry, I don't know what happened.

We have a producer that has a taser, and he's been hitting us under the desk with the taser as we...

It doesn't matter.

All birds.

Tom Sandusky with CNN.

Some news anchors are being tased is what I'm hearing in my earpiece.

An investigation is ongoing.

Hi, I'm Jennifer Vagina with Fox News.

Here to say, I'm the only newscaster left after all of them have been tased.

More at 11.

Hi, I'm Derek.

I'm an intern at MSNBC.

All the newscasters are gone, so I have to be the one to say this, but

as we all know, April of the Penguins is big.

It's huge.

It's the biggest event in sports.

Shock, shock, shock.

They can still tase us

well enough to say the penguin baseball league draft was a huge hit but there are some who didn't make the cut we take you now to one of their stories tase

owl

observe here the north american born owl this owl's name is Owl Borlin.

A play on Owl Borlin, I assume, from home Improvement.

A sitcom which I am currently making my way through.

Season one is delectable, hilarious.

The mother's quite gorgeous.

I dare say I have a crush on her, but this is not her story.

This is Al Borlin's.

Born in Missouri, in the small town of St.

Louis, Al Borlin was raised by a single owl.

We see here with our camera crews, Owl Borland talking to his mother about the upcoming Penguin Baseball League draft.

Let me just fix your hair real quick.

I can't believe my baby's going to be playing in the Penguin Baseball League.

Mom, it's not a sure thing.

I mean, I'm eligible for the draft, and hopefully, hopefully, someone saw something in me.

Of course, they did.

Your dad and you have been practicing Penguin Baseball as long as I can remember.

He's going to be so proud of you.

Yeah.

Yeah, my dad and I have been practicing.

I mean, I've been throwing the ball up in the air on his grave, if that's what you mean, mom.

I mean,

he's still going to be proud.

We all, we bought you a big cake that said, congratulations on definitely getting into the league.

Mom, please don't.

Chickens before they're hatched.

Mom, I haven't been drafted yet.

I mean,

hopefully I will be.

I mean, the odds are likely, I guess.

Here's the whole family.

Come on in, everybody.

Fly in.

Uncle Daryl, cousin Susie.

I can't believe you're all awake during the day for this.

We're making a special exception for our favorite little owl.

I can't believe I had to fly all the way here from Florida where I retired to.

You're a snowbird.

How dare you, you impotent?

Well, maybe our owl here will be a shrimp shredder, and you can go see the games live, huh?

Baham owl.

Oh, oh, wait,

here comes the

draft is on.

Here comes.

All right, everybody, quiet down.

My baby's about to be drafted into the Penguin Baseball League.

And that's it for the 2025 Penguin Baseball League draft.

Congratulations to all the beautiful birds who are joining the league this year.

And better luck next time to all the names that weren't picked and boy there were a lot of them

no there there must be some kind of mistake those fat clowns wouldn't forget about you

well i didn't get drafted but all shocks did all shocks that makes no sense baby there's been a huge mistake okay hold on hold on maybe it's because a home improvement is not top of mind so when people were reading through the list they didn't understand the reverence why did you give me this name, Mother?

Wait, what's going on?

I flew all the way from Florida.

I thought owls were joining the Penguin Baseball League.

They are.

A bunch of them made it, didn't you see?

We can fix this, right?

We can call someone.

You know what?

A friend of a friend went to college with JPC.

I can get his number, we can give him a call, and we can try to convince him.

Tell him that there's been some sort of mistake.

The owls are desperate.

They will do anything to protect their young.

But sometimes, an owl needs to learn on its own.

A quick call to a JPC couldn't hurt, though.

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Everybody, be quiet.

Pick up, pick up.

It's ringing.

Hello, you've reached the offices of the Tampa Bay Shrimp Shredders.

How may I direct your call?

Oh, I thought this would be right to him.

Uh, excuse me, I'm looking to talk to your owner, John Patrick Cohen.

Oh, yeah, this is him.

Sorry, I do that.

Voice.

I screen my calls.

Ah, shit.

I forgot to ask who was calling.

Nah, too late now.

Do you answer every phone call like that?

I feel.

Is this your personal phone number?

Yeah.

What do I have?

Two phone numbers?

What do I fucking?

Oh, no, I just was.

I assumed that you'd fucking be getting calls that weren't just shrimp shredder related.

That's how I screen my calls, because then if people like I can like screen my

Trump does this.

You're not a

drug dealer anymore.

You were in college though, right?

Trump.

Trump does this, right?

Am I crazy that he does this?

I feel like he had like a persona that he would like.

After a meandering 52 minutes, the call continues.

Okay, so I think, yeah, I think

Elon Musk is the one who

sounds like him.

And they're like, is this Elon Musk defending himself?

And he goes, absolutely not.

Yeah.

But he is so hot and handsome, isn't he?

It's just like a weird guy in Germany who, like, kind of is just like an Elon Musk fan.

It's just like a crazy thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, any hoodle, I've been talking your ear off.

Probably let you go.

Oh, no.

Sorry.

I had a reason for

say what?

So funny.

I had a reason for my call.

Who is this?

This is a concerned mother.

My baby was the absolute best of the best at his Al High School at Penguin Baseball.

And we found out there would be a professional league right as he was graduating.

We couldn't believe our luck.

Okay,

thank God.

Bullet-dodged unconcerned mother phone calls, and it's about this.

Oh, you thought it was going to be like a protection?

But it's not necessarily going to what I thought it was and what it's absolutely probably not.

And I didn't do anything.

And if I did, prove it in fucking court.

Yeah.

Look, who is your child?

Uh, Owl Bro, Al Borland, sir.

Oh, did you say Al Bro?

No, sorry.

Did you say Al Brolin?

Homoprovin is not top of mine.

It is not in the zeitgeist because we sort of had, uh, we turned on Tim Allen.

I thought we traded full for uh Al Brolin.

He's the Josh Brolin, but an L.

No, sorry, Owl Borland.

Oh, Al Borland.

Oh, you know what?

Great player.

Um,

I, I, yeah, remember i watched i watched his combine um yeah no he's he's he's awesome i you know i wish we had

i wish we had the room for him on the team i really do but you know better get rid of osama bin robin and put how borlin on the team one two three four hate riddle riddles clue crew

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