#351: No Dar

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The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

He stabbed him with an ice cream.

And the worst of these things were a

six-point

river.

Okay,

say ah

Yeah, it's uh

it's what I thought you have a case of the riddles.

Oh thank you

I said salsa.

What is somebody say salsa

sir sir sir I'm trying to do an exam on this patient opens briefcase Mild

or hot?

I could go for some salsa right now, if it's not too much of an imposition, doctor.

Mild or hot.

I'm not going to say it again.

How are you the person of authority in this room right now?

Hot.

I'm trying to tell you you have the case of the riddles, and it is.

Oh, a quesadilla.

Yeah, I guess I could go well with salsa.

Sir, sir, you're very, very sick, and there is no.

Can't somebody say quesadilla?

Opens briefcase.

Oh, it's my enemy, Quesadilla man.

Why can't we be friends, Dan?

Well, we were once brothers.

I, salsa man, and him, quesadilla man.

But then our parents fought and killed each other.

I don't need a backstory for these two guys.

But that's our parents.

Am I wrong?

That's our parents.

Like, why would that have anything to do, any bearing on our relationship, Dan?

Yes,

she's a little bit of a drink asleep right now.

Is that why you two were able to get in here?

She is asleep.

She is full of salsas and quesadillas.

That put her right to sleep.

Yep.

Okay.

I'm trying to focus on my patient, JPC, here.

He is really sick.

JPC.

Yes.

Whoa.

See to make it so much worse.

Present.

No, I'm not.

Give me a present.

You know what?

Present.

Just pay.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Did someone say they want a present?

It's me, Salsa Santa.

Okay, I think I quit being a doctor.

Just pay on your way out, and good luck.

Good luck living with riddles.

Pay who?

If your waiter quits in the middle of dinner, you don't pay.

Wait, do I have riddles?

Well, you will if you hang out with this guy.

Which guy?

Quesadilla, man?

No, JPC.

No, I don't have riddles.

This guy.

Who?

Salsa man?

No, not my brother Salsa Man.

This guy.

Stop looking at me.

Why do you have little fires in every corner of this room to kill me?

Oh, have you read little fires everywhere by celeste

unbelievable oh oh okay uh everyone get on my back sand's gonna get us out of this mess it's all on fire it's all on wait who is the woman at the front desk asleep

someone grab her

okay

so guys that is an opening that we could do but we shouldn't right what happened to the woman asleep at the desk Actually, Adel, it doesn't get any better after that, if you can believe it.

Maybe it's best we put that opening back in the vault.

We check in on it again in a year and see if we want to use it for an episode.

yeah but the disney vault is a really scary place i mean we are recording this episode or this opening in november of 2023 so do you feel like in a couple years if we run out of openings maybe we pull it out of the vault speaking of the disney vault when are we gonna crack that bad boy open and get the disney twins back on the podcast at oh yeah pretty soon i mean actually

i'm looking over here and the disney vault is actually open let me oh god bambi but thumper killed the mom there's some really effed up stuff in here.

Okay, let's just lock up this vault.

I think Disney Twins ran its course in a way that it's maybe,

I don't know, maybe we can go back to it.

Let us know in the comments.

I didn't go where I thought I was going to go, Aaron.

Not at all, Aaron.

I thought you were going the other direction.

That's like a David Blaine-esque level of mystery.

Disney Twins has run its course, so I dare say we should definitely see them again.

I guess that that makes sense, though.

They've ran their course.

They've taken their break.

They've, you know, probably carbo loaded, you know, got some

the

water with the little salt packets in it, the electro lights.

Yeah.

They're ready to come back.

Okay.

Hey.

I'm trying to see if like the Disney twin is still sort of in my body, if I could access her.

I'll tell you what.

It's not going to be this month.

This month is all Penguin baseball.

We all know this.

We all know it's all penguin baseball, but you know.

The egg is the ball.

The egg is the ball.

Something to keep under consideration.

Maybe, maybe, maybe that's.

Okay, I'll do it.

Disney Twins July.

A July

Chaco Block for

Disney Twins all July.

Aaron, is that not long enough?

Do you want to do all summer?

Should we do all summer?

Half of August.

Adel, can you do Disney Twins go to the Lord of the Rings universe?

Yes.

Okay, thank you.

We can do anything.

Okay, Saruman would be like...

Don't burn it.

Sorry, your mom.

A wizard arrives precisely when he means to, sir.

Thanks, guys.

Guys, guys, guys, guys.

That's the paid content.

We make people pay for that stuff, the good stuff.

And I, and I say, you can't keep kissing everyone.

No, adult, come, come on.

We're going to do all this stuff again.

No, I feel like I already, it's already out of my system.

Yeah, well, what are we going to do?

Huh?

It's already gone.

We already.

Riddles.

I guess if, yeah, I guess if we're.

If we're kind of just going to jump right into that, we could just do riddles instead.

What do you guys think of that?

Amen, sister.

Let's go.

Amen, sister.

Go for it.

Cis men, Amer.

Oops.

I

watched that sentence.

You got jumps.

It's a little dyslexic, and that's allowed.

Cis men, it's actually encouraged.

Amen.

It's actually fine.

No emails about that.

It's fine.

All right, here we go.

You ready for your first riddle?

Sure.

Oh, this is a Hay Road Road.

This is a podcast.

This JPC is Aaron's adult.

It's a podcast.

We do riddles and

improvised scene based on riddle.

Have a riddle podcast.

Okay.

Have we never given JPC that much Redway to talk?

It seems like you kind of choked and got nervous.

I feel like it needs an oil change.

Yeah.

I feel like though it gives me the red way to talk.

Away from home.

I feel weird.

Like I'm useless, untethered.

The fuck?

What is this?

Sam Wise.

That's Sam Wise Gamgee.

Aaron, back to the Lord of the Rings, Disney Door.

Yes.

So here's what we do.

The ring hurts to carry, sir.

The ring hurts to carry.

Ow.

It's babies.

It's giving me like a little ouchies all over my hate when I carry the ring of power to Mordor.

Why can't those big eagles fly us there, sir?

That's the fucking thing about it.

I feel like they...

This trilogy could have been a paragraph.

They really kind of wrote the big eagles out of the movie because they were like, man, if we introduce the big eagles too early, everyone's just going to be like,

why didn't they just use the big eagles?

They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard.

And we're going to go to Min.

Am I crazy?

Or could like Tom Bombadil just like swallow the ring and he'd be fine?

Yeah.

Right?

And he's barely in the fucking book.

That's pure magic.

That guy is pure.

So you read my fanfic.

Oh.

It's just Tom Bombadil swallowing various things in his little apartment.

I can't believe I thought we were going to start riddles at seven minutes.

Of course we weren't.

I tried.

I started started reading it, and it was weird.

It was like a.

Let's hear the rest of it.

Let's hear the rest of it.

Okay.

Away from home, I feel weird.

Like I'm useless, untethered.

Right?

Is that something I'm just reading?

No.

Is that the whole riddle?

No.

There's much more.

But I'm scared, Aaron, because what if it's more stuff about my life?

It's not much to look at.

Home, I mean.

Two narrow slits, one little hole.

But it's where I belong.

When I'm home, I feel great.

Such energy.

Please take me home.

This was marble on like a track.

No, it's written like a poem, and I don't think it's like the line breaks are crazy in this.

And I think that's just like a fun thing that they added.

Is this the type of...

Do you think anyone has ever written a poem about this thing before?

I don't know.

How do you guys feel about poetry?

I mean, look, I think when poetry is good, it's great.

But I think like most poetry is like

one of those things where it felt better as like a writing exercise, you know?

Like, write it, use it, but like books of poems, I gotta say,

some of that stuff could have been left on the cutting room floor.

I don't know if this is gonna sound condescending, but I truly don't mean it in that way.

I am so jealous of people who

like

write and then publish a book of their poetry like to think oh yeah to be so sure that you like other people are going to enjoy poetry that you write is like the kind of confidence i wish i had

it does feel if poetry feels the most like modern like art like art galleries kind of thing where it's like there's a painting somebody tapes a banana to a canvas and half the population is like brilliant half the population is like i could do that oh i love banana canvas

Aaron.

Oh, banana canvas.

Jason Banana Canvas.

He has a name, Aaron.

He's not just his art.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Can you imagine like turning in a book of poetry to a publisher and then being like, wow, this is really good.

And then you thinking, like, how the fuck would you know?

I do want to see this dude.

Great.

Aaron, you are meeting with a publisher.

You have a book of poems that you wrote and you're trying to convince this person to publish your book of poems.

JPC, you're the publisher.

Okay.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Oh, yes, you're my 2:30.

Sorry, that was the beginning of my poem.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Oh, does your post your poem begin in the hallway?

Come into the office and then we can kind of sit down and make yourself comfortable.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Goes my hand on the door.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Who am I anymore?

Sorry, you're looking at your computer.

Yeah, I'm just.

I was going on your LinkedIn just to verify that you were the person because you didn't introduce yourself or anything like that, and we've never spoken.

But yes, this is, yeah, you're Kate?

No, technically, I didn't have an appointment with you today,

but I did shove Kate into a janitor's closet so I could speak to you.

Well, you look.

Sorry, this is part of the poem.

Okay.

I am Kate.

I'm Kate.

Okay, is this a part of the conversation, a part of the poem?

Hey, pause.

We'll pause.

So, I gotta say, I read your manuscript, your knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Well, hold on, because we're still talking.

We're not going into the poems.

And in fact, I don't need you to because I did read it.

I'm a publisher.

And I did read the book already.

Who is Kate anyway?

Is Kate a horse?

Is Kate an idea?

Or is Kate a woman in an office?

One of the things that I had a question about in the middle of the poem.

Well, yeah, but you shouldn't be.

With your poems, is that the very first stanza in the book set up a rhyming scheme?

Nothing else in the book appears to rhyme.

And I know poetry doesn't have to rhyme,

but I kind of believe it should.

It took a long time to figure out that one rhyme.

A lot of time to figure out that one rhyme.

Uh

okay, yeah, um,

well.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Hold on.

Your 230s here.

Yes.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

Yeah.

Kate, yes, it's you.

Yes.

Yes, you're my 230.

Well, Kate.

I've never been interrupted by a man this much before in the middle of a poem.

This is insane.

I don't know that you should be doing the poem.

That's part of the poem.

This is also part of the poem.

See?

that hurt to do.

To say that you're being interrupted by a man when you just are reading a poem to someone unprompted.

Would you stop interrupting this poem?

You guys, I have an earache that I think is an ear infection from my crew sickness that will not go away.

Oh my gosh.

And so I'm kind of the, is it Carrie Shrugg?

who landed on one foot at the Olympics?

Carrie Strugg, yeah.

Strugg.

Yeah.

So I'm just thinking of Kathy Shrugg.

Um, so everything I'm doing today, I'm doing sort of with a like it's amazing that I even made it through that scene.

I'm amazing is what I'm trying to say.

Aaron, just like Carrie Strugg, I believe that's her name.

Um, JPC and I are your Eastern block coaches in jackets.

No, wait, we're, we're, those, she was American.

Was her coach American?

Yeah.

So we're in like American flag jackets and we're cheating on.

We're so proud of you.

and we carry you off the floor, I think, because you broke your ankle or something.

Yeah, I have an earache and I broke my ankle in the middle of that scene is what I'm trying to convey to you guys.

1992 was so long ago.

Yeah.

We're Adel and I are more like

Jeff Galuli and

what's the other guy's name?

The guy who is.

Who is the guy?

Sam.

It was Galuli and another guy were the guys.

Yeah.

Is it a train?

I'm trying to think of the answer to this riddle.

Oh, no, it's not a train.

My home is two slots in a hole.

Two slots in a hole.

Two narrow slits.

Two narrow slits in a hole.

Oh, it's like a plug.

Aaron.

Yes.

It is an electrical plug.

Wow.

I'd like to see a scene.

Aaron, you are the Carrie Struggle of this episode.

You're doing it.

Gold medal.

My ankle.

Adel,

you are

like the electrical outlet.

And JBC, you're the plug.

And Adel, you're like, I can't believe he's coming back.

It's like coming back and asking for more money.

Like he's coming back to sort of steal your resources again.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, back up, back up, back up, baby, baby.

What do you want?

Just a little juice, baby.

No, no, no more juice.

You've had, hey, hey, hey, hey, you've had your fill, okay?

I gave you juice.

You left in the middle of the night.

You didn't say thank you.

You just yanked out.

You gave me juice.

You had a good time.

I didn't hear anybody complaining when you was having such a good time.

Did I say I didn't have a good time?

I'm just saying

you left with no thank you.

Why get upset when everybody had a good time?

And now I'm back for a little more juice to power.

Do you think I'm iPhone 14 Max?

Max, yeah.

Barely hold it.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Are you getting me the juice?

Hold on.

I'm working on it.

Baby, I don't even know why.

I don't even know why iPhone 14 Max is calling me baby.

I work as a co-worker of mine.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah, yeah, I'm telling you, I don't know why she's calling me baby when I just, I work with her.

Baby, I'm at 12%.

Come back, baby.

12%, that's gonna, you're gonna, it's gonna take a while to get her there.

Well, yeah, if we're still talking, hey, you know what?

Here's an idea.

Me,

you,

iPhone 14 Max.

Come on again.

We all have a good time.

Come on.

Baby, I want to scroll.

I want to watch videos and that drains the battery, baby.

All right, what's it gonna take?

Once I'm in, you want me to jiggle it around a little bit?

Yeah, I want you to jiggle it around a little bit.

You want me to go it upside down?

You want me to go it upside down?

I'll go it upside down for you.

You better not be getting juice from anywhere else.

You told me that that you create the juice.

Yeah, yeah, I create the juice through my connections and kind of like my general vibe.

I knew it, you dirt bag.

Hey, don't spit.

Do not spit near an electrical outlet.

You'll kill us all.

Oh, you crazy motherfucker.

This crazy motherfucker's trying to kill us all.

I'll just plug right into the wall to get juice.

What?

Oh my god, it's working.

Oh no.

Oh no, the iPhone's just plugged into the wall.

What are you gonna do about it?

Me?

It's just working?

Because it's just rubbing it together.

Is it working?

I don't know.

Hey,

what is the answer to this riddle?

Balloon.

Oh, no, we already got it.

It's the outlet.

My brain was still thinking about it during that whole scene.

I was like, what is the answer to this riddle?

Balloon.

That's never happened to me before.

Balloon.

What a guess.

Balloon, you didn't even know what you were guessing.

You're just like, balloon.

I was a famous captain at another time.

Now I wait around all day at the end of someone's line.

This is fun.

This is a silly one.

Now I wait around all day at the end of someone else's line?

At the end of someone's line.

Is this like a fishing

setup?

Yeah, you're close.

You're close.

I would say it's kind of like a fishing setup.

A worm.

Captain Worm.

Captain Worm.

Captain Worm.

Is it one of the most famous pirates?

All right.

I do want to see you see.

Adel, you gotta be Adel, you're playing Captain Worm.

You're playing Captain Worm, and

Aaron and I are your like two of the pirates on your ship.

Your famous pirate ship.

Attention.

All right, line up.

Line up here, Yamakimucks.

You creepy fucked, Yamaki Mucks.

It is I, Captain Worm.

Hold for applause.

Captain, we can't be applauded because most of us have hooks.

Yeah.

That was a test.

You passed.

Uh, Captain, I um

I'm new to the ship, Yar, and uh fresh meat.

All I see is sort of a big captain's hat that I assume is maybe a small worm is underneath it.

You're sounding a little muffled, sir, is what I'm trying to get at, Yar.

You assume there's a small worm under the hat.

You never thought that it could be medium-sized or medium-large.

Uh, Yar, the biggest worm, sir, I'm sure, but still to fit under the hat.

Yar, that's what part of this ship is about, is trust me, laddie.

If you trust that there is a worm under the hat that is magical and who is bringing us all to heaven then only then can we accomplish our mission yar yarn i i trust i've been on the ship uh many years and i trust the worm implicitly captain what's on the agenda today

on the agenda today from me the magical worm that lives under the captain's hat that you should never see never lift up the hat to see who's taking us all to heaven yeah what's the word for heaven if we see the war?

Okay, okay, I assume we swabbed the decks.

Okay,

I assume we swapped the decks.

Second up on the list today, bring me your wives so I can fuck them.

What?

Oh, sir, our.

Yeah, you're on the deck, Yar, so I thought

perhaps you could tell if we had swabbed it or not.

What did you say about our wives, sir?

Um, I said,

Bring me ye wives so I can meet them.

Not really a big wife industry, yar i mean

i mean i know i don't have a wife but new guy do you have a wife or

yar i sorry to keep uh yeah no wife uh

keep digging at this but i have to ask

five pirates to join us and if they don't join then i don't get paid yar yar that's the way the pirate system works if you want to get to heaven hey listen if you don't want to get to heaven we can turn this boat right around

and go back to

Lisbon and all go on our merry way.

I want to get to heaven.

That's why I brought this pirate aboard, you know, the crew.

I'm fulfilling my quotar.

Hey, real quick.

Sometimes I'm hearing nars, sometimes I'm hearing yars.

Under this hat, as a magical worm, they sound very similar.

Can we switch to like yes and no?

Cause yar and our are just so close.

Ye yeah.

Yes.

Yar.

Yar.

Captain Worm.

I uh is it.

Can't do it.

True, Ladow.

We have a volleyball tournament on the ship this week.

Yars.

Yars, it is true, and there's a grand prize.

A grand prize for whatever team brings the beach to its feet.

Arr, I hope it's getting to go to heaven.

That's really the only reason I do all of this.

I want to lift up the hat and I want to see the worm.

No, you must never.

If you lift up the hat and you see the worm, you're not going to heaven.

That's what the worm told us.

The grand prize is: you give me all your earthly possessions, and I shall tend to them, and you shall live a life of piety before you enter heaven through the gates that only a magical worm under a captain's hat can provide.

Never lift up the hat.

Is this a cult?

Well, of course it's a cult.

No dar.

No, dar, it's the magic worm.

Captain Worm with the hat.

A cult leader.

I'm dead.

But do you guys.

Do you guys have a guess for what the answer could be?

Oh my God.

Balloon?

Can you read the riddle one more time?

I can't, but you are so close.

I was a famous captain at another time.

Now I wait around all day at the end of someone's

hook.

It's Captain Hook.

Oh, duh.

Oh, Casey.

Can you hop on the mic really quick?

Uh-oh.

Casey's in trouble.

Oh, it's, I only mentioned it because it's the first time it's happened.

Yeah.

Or the first time in.

Casey, can you read what you just sent to our chat on the side, please?

Said because there was more hesitant, because you said balloon or something.

I said, I got this one instantly.

Well, but now you're not going to believe me because Adel got the right answer.

Well, when they said Captain Worm, Casey, they both hit Captain Worm so quickly.

I was like, surely they must be.

Surely they know.

Surely they must know it's Captain Hook.

Um, okay.

Aaron, do you want to chastise me for?

No, I just, I wanted you to hear it from me directly.

That that hurt my feelings.

Yeah.

I thought as,

well, I thought as my friend, you'd be happy for me.

that I got one of these riddles ever.

Well, Casey, that's not what we're doing here because you, your role is the audience surrogate.

So as the audience surrogate, I kindly invite you to shut the fuck up.

But

as the audience surrogate, aren't I supposed to be pissed and messaging you guys that I got the riddle faster than you?

Oh, yeah.

Isn't that kind of worth it?

Okay.

You're swaying the jury.

We'll do a whole episode where we task Casey.

We give him the job.

to think of any joke that we may have missed and live during the episode comment like you guys could have also said this, so you could have done this.

Casey, are you willing to do that for the next five to 10 minutes of this recording?

Um, Casey, it's a bad, it's a bad thing.

You shouldn't want to do it.

No, take your, yeah, there you go.

There you go.

There you go.

All right, Casey, you are free to go.

Blank, blank was right there.

Okay, I have a quick question.

Is it, because I haven't interacted with this IP in a while and my brain can't make sense of it.

Is it never Neverland or is it Never Everland?

Never, Neverland.

Never, Neverland.

And do we know what that means?

I think this might never stain bears.

Like, we can't know.

Okay.

You never, never, you never, never, never, never

grow up.

Never, you never, never grow up.

But it's a double negative, right?

Never, never.

So you do grow up.

You grow up real fast.

Casey, what would the audience say?

Well, it's never, never land.

So it's not land.

No, it is land.

It's never, never land.

But Captain Hook is on a boat, which is in the water.

So it's not land.

It's never

on land.

Never land.

Never, never land.

Yeah, I think it's probably never ever land.

Our audience doesn't know either.

So that's good.

Yeah, our audience surrogate has no idea.

All right.

You ready for your next one?

Yeah.

You guys got that one really well.

Great job.

Hello, audience.

As audience surrogate, I can tell you that the whole time I did know that it was...

at least within the modern Peter Pan canon, just never land, not never, never land Land or Never, Everland,

but much like the audience when perceived by the members of the cast, I grew bashful and afraid and decided to be quiet instead.

Oh, I think it's NAIT is Never Neverland because now I'm thinking of Metallica and they have that song where they're like, off to never.

So I think it is Never Neverland.

Thank you, Metallica.

Thank you, Metallica.

Thank you, Metallica.

For like once a year, we just need a blanket thank you to Metallica.

Riddles feel feel hard today.

I think I may have done this one.

If this one sounds familiar, it looks familiar to me.

So that's this, that's full disclosure.

Okay.

I'm the high sky rider.

I'm the space skimmer.

I'm the cloud borer.

I'm the earth scanner.

The long looker, monarch of the unseen winds.

Monarch of unseen winds, I should say.

My song is a scream.

Silence is my shadow and feared.

I fall like a bomb with blood in my breath.

Where I land, there is death.

Whoa.

Thank you, Metallica.

Skydarts.

Just let the sky darts.

Aaron, it is not skydarts, although Pat and Pending.

Oh, I love him.

All his stand-up.

So far.

Ratatouille?

Piercing.

Let the sky dart.

Is this like a satellite or a moon?

All the darts are sky darts if you can throw them high enough.

Or drop them from a high enough height.

From high enough.

Is that what we think comets are?

It's like the gods playing darts.

Oh.

When you say we, do you mean primitive man or?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

Adel and I both consider ourselves primitive men.

Australopithecus, if you will.

I will.

You know that how people were like, there's a 2% chance that a comet hits Earth in like 2032.

Oh, yeah.

What would you, if they were like, it's definitely going to hit.

We can't really get it off course or anything.

How are what are you doing that last week?

What would you do if your son was at home crying all alone because a comet's coming to kill him?

So is the sir, you have to leave the karaoke bar, sir?

Sir.

Give me that mic.

Is the premise behind the comet, Erin, that it's going to hit and it's definitely going to kill everybody?

Or is it like, is it going to blow up the Earth?

Okay.

So it's, it's, it's, it's, it is

a 0% chance of survival, Armageddon type of thing.

Yeah.

Um, I think also, Aaron, they posted it was like 2% chance, and then I think they said it doubled.

So now I think it's 4% chance that a comet hits in 2032 or something.

Good.

Good.

Okay.

So with the comet that's coming and it's going to hit the earth and it's going to just, you know, wipe out all life and annihilate everything.

How long do I do I have?

Do I have 10 years or like, do I have until 20, well, 30, so I guess that's seven years.

Um, or

the exact year, well, yeah, but do I, do I, when do I know for sure that it's happening?

Like, how, how much, how much lead up time is happening?

I'd say that up until like eight months before they think maybe they can like do a missile to get it off course or explode it in space or something.

And then

I would say maybe you have six months where they know it's gonna hit,

but they'd probably lie to us and say, So, there wasn't like bedlam for yeah,

they'd probably, it'd probably be more like six weeks, yeah, six weeks.

Let's do six weeks.

Six weeks.

Six weeks.

Okay.

How

quickly do I think I can convert to every religion?

That is such a good question.

How many religions

would be a great movie?

I'll get, I'm going to do the big three.

Well, let's do the big two.

Christianity, Islam.

Get that.

Get those right now.

Scientology.

Scientology.

That one's going to be a little harder.

It's probably more of a process.

Do that one for sure.

That probably I want to start that one early.

Is this a Pascal's wager situation?

But then, do I have to get all of the different types of Christianity or can I just be like

Jesus is cool?

Born-again Christian is cool.

Do you like maybe not the son of God, but cool?

Yeah, cool.

Do one that's like Jesus is cool.

Um, you got to do Islam, got to do Allah.

You know, probably cool with Muhammad as well.

Judaism, I could do that one as well.

That seems a direct conflict of

the Christianity, but that's fine.

They're all kind of at conflict with each other.

Hinduism, I think you got to take that by.

Some Jainism.

Then I get some animism in there, you know?

Oh, wacko-yako-dot.

Mormonism.

Definitely.

Well, but that's a Christian, right?

Well, it's kind of not.

I guess I want to do Mormonism just to kind of like cover all my bases.

Zoroastrianism.

Buddhism.

Mixits of old schools.

Buddhism.

I do want to see a seed.

Yep.

JPC, you have converted successfully to all religions and you've become the most sort of spiritually endowed man on earth.

Aaron, you have gone on a pilgrimage to seek advice from JPC's spiritually endowed man and you have just reached

his sort of altar to talk to him.

Wow, I have been

looking forward to this so much.

I

want to ask you a thousand questions.

I have as well.

I am always looking forward to meet a person who I have never met before.

Sir, are you...

are you playing

on a Nintendo Switch right now?

This is a Steam Deck.

It's like a Nintendo Switch.

It's bigger and it has a wider catalog of games that you can play.

Ah, sorry, I'll come back for when you're not busy.

I'm always going to be playing on the Steam Deck.

Even when it's low on batteries, it's got a a very long cord to charge.

I'll just plug it in.

Oh, okay, so I get it.

Like, you've probably traveled a long way, a great distance to be here with me now.

Yeah, I did.

And I'm understanding now that you're like trying to teach me that it's okay to indulge in like earthly pleasures.

No, no, no.

I do not teach.

For teaching is the work of the Lord.

I merely ask questions.

I ask that you also, if you're going to come visit, pick up Chick-fil-A.

I'm seeing a bag.

Yeah, sorry, I got some email from them.

You did get the Chick-fil-A?

Yeah.

You got the waffle fries?

Yeah.

With the ranch dressing?

Yeah.

And the mayonnaise?

Yes.

And I figured it was some sort of test, and that you were going to not eat it in front of me to be like.

I'm not going to eat it in front of you.

I'm going to eat it in front of you.

And I'd share, but I don't want to.

But I got like enough for both of us.

Oh, then you're more than welcome to eat, teacher minifish.

Jesus.

Kobe.

See.

Oh, my God.

I love the most spiritually enlightened being on earth.

Second minute of talking to anyone.

Did you bring Chick-fil-A?

Kobe.

Kobe.

It's saying Jesus like you say Kobe.

I just didn't know how that was coming across.

Anytime I throw something in the waste bin, I white up a piece of paper.

I'm going to go, Jesus.

Ugh.

Okay.

Oh, no.

We didn't get this one.

Oh.

Did you see?

Eric wants to take a break.

Let's take a break.

All right, Eric.

We can take a break.

I'll let you take a break.

You're going to come back to doing this riddle, though.

You got a few patients.

Let's just get it then.

No, let's take a break.

Hey, let's take a quick break, give Erin enough time to forget that she's doing a riddle, and be right back with more riddles.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Erin, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

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And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website.

Like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

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Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys in like your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Huh?

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics.

JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it.

Analytics because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic, we've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com/slash Riddle for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

JPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-yo over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

JPC, you know how not too long ago, Aaron was a car.

We don't really need to dwell on it.

Sometimes you're asking yourself weird things like, why didn't they teach us this in school?

I feel that way almost anytime I'm dealing with money.

Amen.

Famously, I'm very bad with money.

Famously, you're very good with money.

That's why I'm giving kids,

aka my cats, a head start on their money skills with Acorns Early.

Now, if I know your cats, they're going to take those acorns, put them outside your door, and then feed them to squirrels so they can watch squirrels going outside of your door.

But children, human children, they're very different.

They have different learning patterns than cats.

We're getting wildly off topic.

Erin used to be a car.

That's why she's not here.

But that's been resolved at this point.

So we don't have to worry about that.

Mostly been resolved.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

This is something that I am going to be gifting to friends, that I myself hopefully one day will be gifting to a child and again to my cats.

Start with the in-app chores tracker.

Teach your kids or cats the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set up their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits.

early.

And you could maybe be like, hey, let's set a goal that you save up to buy, I don't know, like a car one day.

Yes, because it is legal to buy a car.

Yes.

Even if it is or was a human at some point, because if it's now a car, it's fine.

And there's no laws against that.

Plus, kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's spending limits and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

I have played around with the Acorn's Early app.

So it's still a little early for my child, but I really love the features.

I really love how like simplified it is.

I actually think that it can make learning about money fun and engaging.

And I think that those are very important things.

It's also really important to like demystify, you know, the money.

You know, money isn't something that's like, um, you know, dirty or dangerous or something.

And it's just like a tool like anything else that we use to exist in society.

And I think that Acorns Early is a great way to introduce children to that.

Absolutely.

Hey, JPZ.

Do you notice, even though Erin's not a car anymore, that sometimes when she sneezes, it sounds like vroom?

Yeah.

And sometimes when she,

not to be indelicate,

farts, it sounds like

passes gas.

It sounds like honk honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.

Yes.

And then I immediately want to get anyway.

Ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save, and spend?

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Aaron's not a car.

Take control of your money.

Ah, Aaron Keefe, JPC, have a seat.

Welcome to dinner.

Fun.

Fun.

And this is gratis, right?

I want to say

potatoes, right?

Ah, gratis.

Yes, the potatoes are free, but the meal is exquisite and the finest.

Hey, Aaron, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

This is tempo.

It's all tempo.

Oh, it smells so good.

That's why it smells so good.

Add, can I tell you how grateful I am for this?

Yes.

This season, this like back-to-school season, always has a wave of busyness, leaving very little room for me to like cook for myself and make nutritious meals.

So like this means so much.

Oh, Aaron, I agree.

Tempo serves up fast, feel-good, single-serving meals that are crafted to cook in just three minutes.

A minute for each of us, so you can eat well without sacrificing taste or convenience.

Wait, should the chef, should the chef be saying that?

Because I can hear that.

That sounds like the chef is serving.

With new recipes each week that are made with real ingredients and nutrient-rich, they make it easy to keep up a healthy lifestyle.

Look, I know about Tempo's perfectly portioned lunches and dinners that take the guesswork out of eating well.

They're fully prepared and they can be heated in the microwave in just three minutes.

I just thought this was like a fancy French dinner and potatoes are gratin and all that stuff.

Am I out of line here?

You can make it customized to you, monsieur.

Protein bagged, gallery conscious, carb conscious, and fiber-rich.

Bonjour bonjour.

Bonjour bonjour.

Some of my favorite meals.

Bistro style garlic Dijon chicken with green beans and roasted tomatoes.

La la.

That sounds good, yeah.

Chef kiss.

Well, I just call it kiss, I guess, not chef kiss.

Also, ooh, beef barbacoa rice bowl with poblano cream sauce and corn.

My favorite woman, Barbara Coa.

It's weird to say corn in a French accent.

Karen.

Also, don't say my favorite woman, Eric.

My favorite woman.

Look, all I know is that for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listener 60% off your first box.

So go to tempo meals.com/slash riddle.

That's tempo meals.com/slash riddle for 60% off your first box.

Tempo meals.com/slash riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Rules and restrictions may apply.

Bonjou.

Bonjou.

Bonjou.

Bonjou.

Addle, you say.

Say it to him now, and goodbye.

Bonjou.

Bonjour, and my favorite woman is.

No, in the ad.

Okay, are you ready for your next riddle?

Um, yeah.

We didn't solve the last one.

Adel, very good.

Very good.

Gold star.

I knew knew that too.

I just wasn't bragging about it because I'm not a teacher's pet.

Jesus.

Doing the side of the cross.

Jesus.

You're right.

You're not a teacher's pet, Aaron.

You're just a teacher's favorite

case.

Charity case, really.

I feel like I'm getting into heaven working on you, Aaron.

Jesus.

I'm the high sky rider.

I feel like I'm getting into heaven working on you.

It's really funny.

Bethwehamba.

Oh, what what would you do with your six weeks aaron

um i'd probably hang out with you guys wow would you would you would you guys serious question would you continue doing the podcast yeah yeah genuinely no

i said yeah oh i thought adult said no no i said yeah okay good

because like what else am i doing

looting panicking

no I won't let you guys down.

Okay.

Serious question, though.

Sometimes we record like a week in advance just to make our schedules easier.

Would you record that extra episode?

Like the one that you

might come out?

Yeah, but I'd be kind of pissed off if it was good.

If you were really cooking.

No one is listening to Havertel Riddle on their last week on Earth, though.

Yeah.

So we should.

Yeah.

The last day before the Earth is destroyed, your podcast app is like, okay, Havertel Riddle put out another episode.

And you're like, ooh, but Doughboys are reviewing Zaxby's.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, exactly.

Decisions, decisions.

Taco Bell 14 on the Doughboys.

I only have two hours left to live.

Oh,

let's see what Taco Bell 3 is.

Hey, man, I'm sorry.

If you only got two hours left, you don't have enough time to listen to a Doughboys episode.

We make it tight for y'all.

An hour, in and out.

Keep it toy.

I will say, being on that show,

it felt, it flew by.

When you're there,

it feels short.

Addle, what are you doing for your last six weeks?

I think I'm going to do a My Name is Earl style.

Never saw the show, but My Name is Earl Style situation where doesn't he like go around and like try and do good things,

like correct past wrongs or something?

Yeah, because it's a karma.

Karma fucks him over, and so he's trying to get his karma back in balance.

I think I like go visit my cousins and be like, sorry, I haven't talked to you guys in like 15 years.

Like, I love you guys.

Stuff like that.

Stuff like that.

Okay.

Let me ask specifically with the cousins, though.

Do you think, are they upset at you that you haven't talked to them in 15 years?

Or do you think, or is it just fine, but you're just like, I'm just going to see some family I haven't seen?

Here's the thing, my man.

The keyboard works both ways.

So they could reach out to me at any time.

They could write me a song, whatever.

I got a cousin in Chicago that I don't talk to enough.

Just like hammering, sweating like meatloaf, just like hammering out like a rock.

It's so funny,

but the whole point of it is to feel good about myself and to make them feel bad because they're like, whoa, Adelaide, man.

He reached out and then I'm and then I'm smug and I'm like, take me now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it would probably be kind of chaos outside.

I think it'd be Bedlam, but I do think that there are some crimes that I've been meaning to get to that I think I would.

What's that?

What crimes?

Um

pissing the pot bellies.

Yeah, see, couple of arsons.

Oh, God.

What kind of crimes?

Man, I mean, that's such a good question.

I don't know.

Do you have a crime?

You know what I wouldn't hate doing?

I wouldn't mind taking a at the president of the United States of America for sure.

Oh.

No, no, no.

I wouldn't

the president.

I would merely

give him some sort of explosive

diarrhea?

JPC

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they're not gonna let us back in the country if we ever go on tour in Canada.

Hope you're happy.

I think it's fine.

I think people are saying way worse stuff in Canada specifically too.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'd do some shoplifting, I'd say.

Probably do some looting, general looting, you know.

General looting, there's people here to see you.

General Luding's office is a mess.

Yeah.

Oh, stand it up, General Luding.

Do you want me to read the riddle again, or do you just want to guess balloon according to the moment?

I have no idea what the riddle was.

I'm the high sky rider.

I'm the space skimmer.

I'm the cloud borer.

I'm the earth scanner.

My long looker, the long looker, monarch of unseen winds.

My song is a scream.

Silent is my shadow and feared.

I fall like a bomb with blood in my breath.

Where I land, there is death.

Eagles.

Is this just Steve Miller band lyrics.

Oh,

it really does sound like it's not an eagle, Aaron, but it's basically an eagle.

It's a different, I would say, bird of prey.

Hawk.

It is a hawk.

Oh.

Whatever happened to that hawk to a girl?

I'm sorry.

What were you going to say, Aaron?

What are you going to say?

We talked about her so much.

Whatever happened to that hawk to a girl?

I'd like to see a scene.

Addle, you're an eagle, JPC, you're a hawk, and you guys are sort of at a bar, and you're trying to like

outdo the other one.

How cool you were and powerful.

Yeah, so that's a picture of

my baby.

My baby's two eggs in a nest.

Two.

Yeah.

Yeah, cute.

Cute.

Two.

Two feels.

Two feels low.

What?

Two feels low for a number of eggs.

Well, a snake grabbed two of them, so.

Shit.

But that's fine.

Oh, and this is my beautiful wife this is deborah yeah she's a hawk um buzzard mix hmm

she's a what she's a huzzard

she's a hawk buzzard mix

first of all we all know what a huzzard is it's a hawk buzzard mix okay but a like a mule they're infertile you know

infertile

Infertile

what do you mean you married a half-hawk?

I married a half-hawk?

What is your problem?

You don't see me going around dating the Eagles.

What?

Is that what you want?

You want me to go date Eagles?

What's that?

But you're an Eagle.

What are you talking about?

No, you switch them.

You're an Eagle.

I'm an Eagle?

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Give me another drink.

Hold on.

Hold on.

No, no, I'm cutting you off.

Sam, give us a mirror as well and a dictionary.

We're getting to the bottom of this.

All right.

I want to know what he is, what I am,

what his, and I gotta say, 10 out of 10 smoke show wife is.

Wait a minute, I'm looking in the mirror, and why are you holding up a picture of my eggs?

And you're holding up a picture of my wife.

And why are you moving your arms, wings, when I'm moving my arms, wings?

Wait, everyone else at this bar is like, hey, don't talk to the crazy eagle who's looking at a mirror, having a conversation with himself.

Wait, nobody could move that fast with my movements.

That must be me.

Give me that dictionary.

Look at that.

Wait, you mean that eagle with the broom with the...

It's a broom with the head of a bop

that he's calling his wife?

That eagle over there?

Closing time.

Dr.

Dunce.

Eagle.

Webster's dictionary defines.

Why does Webster's Dictionary say Webster's Dictionary defines?

See?

Hey, thanks, Eagle!

Uh, all right.

Um, you got it.

It was a hawk.

Strange it is that I have no tail or head.

Strange it is that I have no legs.

That I pull on my hot yellow robe, dive between two soft pillows, and disappear into the dark red cave.

Okay.

Aaron, how do we feel?

Getting horny yet?

Never been less horny.

Dive beneath those yellow pillows.

Um, never been that.

It can't be possible.

You've probably been less horny.

You've been

at like a funeral or something.

Don't speak for me.

Can you read it again?

Strange it is that I have no tail or head.

Strange it is that I have no legs.

That I pull on my hot yellow robe, dive between two soft pillows, and disappear into the dark red cave.

Oh, it's a hot dog.

It's a hot dog.

When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie.

That's a hot dog.

Let me ask you a question, though.

it says that i pull on my hot yellow robe is that mustard

no

isn't it like the bun well it says dive between two soft pillows is next i'm assuming that's the bun

but hot yellow that the only yellow is that like the the encasing like the um

encasing the sausage goes into but it's not yellow it's

yeah it's like translucent right Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I still got it, though.

Aaron, you still got it, even though you don't know what the hot yellow robe is.

So, judges, ooh, we can't give you the point, Aaron, because you don't know.

I know what it is.

I just am not saying.

Aaron, say it.

If you know what the hot yellow robe is, say it.

Wait.

Casey, Casey, audience surrogate.

Do we do you want to take a stab at the hot yellow robe?

Do we know?

Wait, it was mustard?

Did somebody say mustard?

This is about how engaged our audience actually is.

They're like, you should have said mustard.

And we're like, we said mustard seven times

what do you mean we should have said mustard

casey also people behind the curtain casey keeps his video off when we're on these recordings you don't know if he's actually listening he could be doing he could be doing god i i don't think he should or has to he's playing steam deck for sure it's got to be steam deck it's got to be steam deck it's not sustainable to have to work for the show for so long and have to listen to it no way no way don't listen casey Don't listen.

Listen for your name.

It does make his, I feel like it does kind of make his job easier because he has context when he goes and sound designs these episodes.

But now I'm wondering if he didn't even hear us say mustard, what the fuck is he actually doing?

No.

Should we make him turn his video on?

Should we make him do this with his video on?

Yeah, I think so.

See his disinterested gaze.

It would be so funny if you were fully on a roller coaster.

When you turn your video back on.

That would be incredible.

Yeah.

It's good to see you, Casey.

Sorry, we're picking on you so much.

Oh, that's okay.

This episode.

Yeah.

I made myself a target by saying I got this one instantly earlier with the hook.

Yeah, that's right.

Now, Casey, since

you never did the sort of

pre-show ritual of like saying numbers and syncing your audio, how much of a pain in the ass is you coming on the mic for you?

Great question.

Well,

Adel, that is a great question.

Since I'm not recording myself locally, I would just be using my individual Zencaster track, which is automatically synced with the like Zencaster mix that I use.

So I don't have to worry about the syncing stuff.

Technical answer.

I was hoping for like a dumb, funny answer.

Were you hoping that Casey went?

Oh, fuck.

Let me try again.

Let me try again.

Let me try again.

I was being audience surrogate by not being as funny as you guys.

Casey.

Oh, fuck.

Could you also do me a favor?

And could you, when you, this episode comes out, could you have all your audio on a three-second delay?

It's so crazy.

I don't know if we've ever done this before.

I want to try something if everyone is, if everyone is on board with it.

I'm ready.

Casey, earlier in the episode, you put in the chat, I got this one instantly.

Seemingly braggadociously trying to be like, ha ha ha ha.

I want, right now, I'd like JBC to read a riddle.

Aaron and I are just going to smugly sit by.

And Casey, you're going to solve this one on all.

I said it was notable because I never get the riddles instantly.

You guys are way better at riddles than Casey did say immediately that he's not, he never gets it.

Okay, Casey, I'm game with it.

Gives Adelaide and Aaron a chance to do

whatever they want to do.

Picks up my Steam Deck.

Aaron's already on her phone.

Aaron, what are we looking at?

I got a notification from my landlord.

Yeah, because she's on her phone.

No, you don't need to be ready.

Casey's doing this one.

I know.

When I am an adjective, I say how you move.

When I am a verb, I say that you starve.

When I am an adjective, I say how you move.

When I am a verb, I say that you starve.

Whoa, Casey, whoa.

I can see your eyes

sort of glossing over like a shark.

Oh, he's panicking.

Oh, no.

I don't think he's gotten it.

I'm trying to think of words that are.

Hey, trying to think of words.

That's the right direction.

Aaron, you and I got this instantly, right?

Oh,

I got this instantly i got this instantly and it's not mustard right casey it is mustard again no it's not mustard okay casey we'll we'll rely on the people who are um

actually being paid to solve these riddles yeah uh oh aaron's run aaron run

run

you just huck finned casey you just huck finned casey at painting painting your podcast what do you guys think the answer is when i'm an engineer i say how you move when i'm a verb i say that you starve Um,

hungrily, waste fast.

Fast.

Casey got it.

Casey got it.

That was brutal.

Interesting, he got it once he turned off his video.

It's almost like he Googled the answer.

No,

he didn't.

He didn't Google the answer.

You guys, we hit our lives.

I had to turn my camera back on for that one.

I heard you, I heard the beep go off.

We bullied Casey too much.

We hit our limit.

Yay.

Casey turning off his camera for one second to furiously Google that entire riddle.

That's a good riddle.

Yeah, that is a good riddle.

I like that one.

Adela and Aaron, I wanted to see a quick scene between the two of you.

You're both students, and

I will be the teacher in this scene, and you are both going on a hunger strike until I, the teacher, abolish homework.

Okay, guys, so it's chapters three, four, and five tonight.

And remember, there's a quiz on Friday.

So quiz on Friday, chapters three, four, and five tonight.

Well, we're definitely not reading chapter eight because we're not eating.

Okay, yeah, it's not chapter eight, Mark.

I'm not sure what that is.

It's three, four, and five tonight, guys.

Mr.

Peterson, we shouldn't have had Mark speak first.

Mr.

Peterson.

Anyone can speak.

Yeah, just raise your hand.

Claire.

Mr.

Peterson, we know our threats have been been empty in the past, but not this time.

This time, we are serious.

On behalf of the whole class.

Sorry, Mark, you're looking a little disappointed that you're not reading all the jokes that you wrote for this.

Do you mind if I pepper in some of my jokes?

Yeah, of course.

Go ahead, Mark.

Go ahead, and I'll pepper in some in.

Okay, great.

You assign way too much homework.

It's as if you think you're the only teacher at the school assigning homework.

Sorry,

homework, drop the R.

Home walk, not even using my home walk because we're not eating.

Thank you, Mark.

Keep going.

Two hours of homework a night for one class is unreasonable.

What is it?

Set it and sorry, two hours, set it and forget it.

Forget eating.

And these jokes will make sense once I tell you what our protest is.

Wait, jokes.

And just real quickly i see a lot of uh other students in the class kind of nodding along with this um chapters three four and five this shouldn't take you more than like 20 minutes to do as well we get distracted so it takes two hours i would say what if every teacher was like you and assumed we had two hours every night two hours or two hours d'oeuvres

but i won't have them you can have mine because i'm not eating what is going on you're not going home hungry mark is not eating No, not that.

We understand that this could be misleading.

None of us are eating.

Some of you are eating right now.

Guys.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Okay, starting after this class, none of us are eating.

Mark and Claire, it might be taking you two hours to do the reading because you're so hungry that you're not eating.

When I get hungry, I can't really focus on the paper.

And Mark, you're falling asleep a little bit, huh?

I passed out.

I'm so hungry.

What came first?

The chicken or the egg?

Both sound so good right now.

Here's what I would say: just in general.

You can't just get an egg with a chicken on top of it.

For a class.

Why doesn't everybody eat tonight and today and have lunch, go to lunch now and eat, and then try to do the homework tonight after you have eaten?

Nice try.

We're not going to cave that easily.

Yeah, that's right.

Eat E

equals AT squared meals a day.

I am so fucking fucking hungry.

I can't smell language.

I'm sorry.

It's just there's an Applebee's across the street and the windows are open.

The waft is hitting me in the face.

The waft, Mr.

Peterson.

Please shut the window.

Oh, please.

Guys, I can't shut the window.

We don't have central AC.

We have to keep the window open.

It's a safety thing.

I'm sorry about the Applebees.

In general, you must be really hungry to think that that Applebee smells good, too, because

they cook all their food in the microwave.

let's be honest, okay?

You're two of the worst students in my class.

You never do the homework anymore.

You can just say that out loud in front of everybody.

Yeah, I can't.

I can't say it because you do this a lot.

You take up a lot of class time with your little protests and stuff.

Maybe if we just ate food and then focused on just kind of like doing the reading, and really the whole point of this class is not to like make you do homework.

It's to like encourage you to learn.

I don't know about all all that.

Well, I know you don't, Claire.

I know you don't know about all that.

So I'm the teacher.

I know about it.

Okay, we planted cocaine in your desk.

We planted cocaine in your desk.

You're out of here.

Yeah.

You planted cocaine in my desk.

Who do you think comes by to check my desk?

Well, we were hoping the principal would come in.

And when does cocaine start to sprout?

All right.

I implore you guys, you two have to just open the books and do some reading.

I think it's going to teach you some critical

makeups.

You know what?

Here's what I'll say: Mark, Claire, how about this?

How about you guys get a C in the class and you stop talking?

You never say another word in my class and you get a C.

So you have a deal.

And you can't say singing counts.

No, singing counts as speaking.

Then no deal.

I'll also take it.

I'll also take it.

I'll still take it.

I'll take it.

Oh, yeah, you did get that one.

Are you guys going to do one more?

Let's do one more.

One more.

Okay, fine.

But just walk with me.

Walk with my partner.

I am small.

I am big.

I am always the same length.

This is interesting.

Is that it?

A stride, a step.

Aaron?

Aaron?

Aaron?

You're so close.

A run.

Aaron, it's a foot.

Whoa.

I don't know how I'm at.

You are the carry shrug of this episode.

A foot is always the same length.

Aaron, you're the carry shrug of this episode.

Uh,

um, oh, hey, Casey, not to get not to harp on you for this whole episode, but do we have a voicemail theme?

Wait for the beef, hey, riddle.

Can you you hit us with that new voice melting?

Holy shit, I think I just took EDM.

Wow.

That was fucking awesome.

All right, that one comes

from Jesse, aka Bash Explode.

It says, I produced electronic music and metal, and I sampled a few things from the podcast into a dubstep song.

I hope you like it.

That was so fun.

Hey, I loved it.

You want to submit a voicemail theme?

Just send it to WAV file 30 seconds or less to hrrpodcast at gmail.com.

Casey, play us a voicemail.

Hi, Al.

Hi, Aaron.

Hi, JBC.

I'm Ilana, and I have a question for the three of you, and also Casey.

Would it be fun

to take an edible and go to a 4DX movie?

Or would that be just a sensory hell nightmare?

For the context, assume I am by myself in the future.

Thanks.

What a sweet, sweetie.

Thank you for the question.

I'm going to go ahead and say I think it would be very fun if I took one, maybe I'll try it next time.

If I took one who was with Casey and JBC, and minimal to no other audience, I think it would be fun.

If there's other audience there, then I think I might be freaking out.

I'm a little surprised, Adam, that you've never tried that.

I mean, it's a big,

like, it's a big swing of an experience.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it's too risky.

Having not been to a 40x movie myself, but having regretted taking an Oedipal before watching a regular movie before,

I would say too risky.

I feel like you got to go, you got to go to regular 40x first so that you have like a baseline.

Because here's the worst thing that could come out of this experience.

You go to 40x while on an edible, you have a terrible time, and you never go to 40x again because you think it sucks.

When in reality, it's just because you're on that edible.

Yeah.

And

that's a tragedy.

That's a good point.

You don't want it souring your first experience.

But if you've been to a bunch, I'd say it's a safer bet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I am definitely planning on they're releasing Pink Floyd live at Pompeii.

like an old live concert footage that is supposedly like one of the best live shows of all time.

They're going to release that in imax so i'm definitely going to that and taking an edible wow okay that'd be fun yeah did you guys see nick mested's video no of him at a 40x movie on instagram it made me laugh so hard well that is my that is my targeted content yeah

i did take an edible once seeing a movie like a you know decade and a half ago and i can't remember what the movie was but i remember it It was the first time I'd ever taken an Oedible to watch a movie in a movie theater.

And

it was back when they were selling edibles, but like the dosage was like all over the place.

They were like, This is what we think it might be.

Um, and I remember when it hit me, I was like, for a while, I was like, I don't think this movie is real, and then I was like, This is too much.

And I remember spending most of that movie in the bathroom of like an Alamo draft house, being like, I'm just gonna sit in here and kind of chill out.

I think I sort of got business in here.

I think I'll just pretend like I really have to shit for 40 minutes and kind of calm down a little bit.

All right.

Well, that probably answers that question.

Yeah, I'm probably saying that as well.

But, you know, do you.

And that voicemail is probably from seven months ago.

So you probably already did it.

Aaron, anything that you have to plug?

Come check out my show, Quality Time.

You can follow us on Instagram.

And I'm so proud of this.

It's like one of the shows I've been most proud of.

producing live.

It's a true variety show.

It happens in Los Angeles once a month.

We have like a B expert coming this month.

It's not just like improv stuff.

It's a good variety.

So check us out.

Adel, anything to plug?

Disney Twins Summer DTS.

It's going to run for four months.

It's going to be exhausting for us and for you all, but we said we'd do it.

So here we go.

TPC, anything to plug or promote?

I mean, hey, speaking of things that we, you know, plug and we have to end up following through on, it's Penguin Baseball League Month all April long.

Patreon.com slash hey Rodalrudle, join the Penguin Baseball League Fever.

By the way,

if you get vaccinated, you won't get Penguin Baseball League fever.

And there's nothing we can do about that.

You shouldn't have taken the jab.

But you can check that out there.

We're in the thick of it.

It's fun.

Some other stuff.

It's honestly just a great ass time.

Hey, speaking of great times, sometimes people have great times listening to this show and they leave us a five-star review.

And sometimes I take those five-star reviews and I read them on the show.

Today's five-star review comes from

Fizzy Is.

Fizzy Is

almost at a word.

The Y I Z Z kind of looks like something else.

Glad I didn't accidentally say a word.

Well, you're talking out loud.

Chiz would be the word.

Almost said it.

Okay, Fizzy Is says, nearly peed someone else's pants.

Many are funny, but few podcasts make me actually laugh out loud as often as this one does.

Yesterday, I was alle quoting, allequoting, allequoting some urine at work and nearly spilled it all over thanks to my shoulders shaking with laughter.

Thank you for being

hazardous to both myself and the people around me.

It's been an absolute delight.

Much love.

What is that job?

Nurse?

What do we think?

Job.

Jupiter, I think.

Jopitor.

Jopitor.

Creative.

Jopitor.

starring Aaron Keenan

and John Patrick Collins

Casey Tony did the editing MRI parents in the music

logo created by Emily Cardamis and Emily Namoris

Aaron, real quick, just because you weren't here when we were discussing it, would you be agreeable to a 40x live show, HRR live show, where, you know, like you spit out your water and then all the audience gets spit in the face and stuff like that?

Okay, do I get to spit in everyone's face individually?

I meant to say have to, not get to.

What did I say?

What did I say?

That sounds like a yes to me.

Oh, yeah.

I'll throw our audience around like a ragdoll.

They can actually smell JP Riddles.

Oh.

Everyone leaves.

Yeah.

That's got to be the end of the show because you can't go on after that.

Just a burst of JP Riddles in your face.

Ugh.

Hey there, Finches and Wrens.

If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon.

Penguin Baseball League is in full swing, and this week we bring you three vignettes from inside the PBL.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hey riddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those out-free episodes.

See there!

That was a Headgum Podcast.