#350: Lasik By A Bird

This is a head gum podcast.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed them with an ice agree.

And of course, the name Friday was six before he had the ring.

Hey, Aaron JPZ.

Just haven't seen it.

Just a regular episode today.

Suspicious.

Yeah, no, this is very suspicious.

Did you mean it to be suspicious?

No, no, no, no, not at all.

Why are your eyes doing that?

Oh, because I just had LASIK and

it was done by

a bird.

So it was a dark.

I got LASIK done by a bird, too.

Adult, had it go.

Okay.

But I can't see still.

Interesting.

Okay.

Um,

they'll have LASIK done by a bird.

We can't afford regular LASIK.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

We're resetting.

JBC and I have a great attitude.

We're not suspicious of you.

We're sitting down.

We're ready to record Hayward Order.

And this will be our normal length of episode.

This will be five hours long.

What is going on?

Okay.

Hold on, Aaron.

Aaron, huddle.

Huddle up.

Okay, what's up?

Forehead to forehead.

Okay.

It's April 2nd.

You smell so much like gasoline.

Oh, me?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm doing...

Have you heard of cold showers?

Yeah, of course.

What's colder than gasoline?

Let's stay on topic.

Let's stay focused.

I don't have time for this.

It's April 2nd.

It's April 2nd.

He couldn't possibly be doing...

He couldn't possibly be doing like a prank.

Like an April, because it's like, you really only do it on the day, right?

Guys, hurry up.

Dax Shepard is coming on the episode.

That's okay.

So, this is confusing.

And I can see where his thought process started with this

because he was on that prank show with Ashton Kutcher, punked, right?

Dax Shepard.

He was on punked.

That's crazy to think about.

Now he's, we know who he is, right?

Yeah.

So if he were to come and punk us, and also Adel announcing that it's him.

Hey, puts Forehead in the mix.

Hey, what are we doing?

Oh, Adel, you smell so much like gasoline.

Oh, I think it's New Cologne.

Oh, great.

It's called en fire.

Well, lovely.

We were just discussing the probability of you sort of feeling like you missed out on an April 1st prank for us.

And if you're trying to do a sneaky little April 2nd prank, missed out on what are you talking about?

This episode comes out April 1st.

Oh, okay.

So now we know.

Is that well, so is that

the prank?

I mean, April 1st, 2048.

Thumbs up.

Let's get to it.

Is he catching a ride?

What's going on?

Hey, Adela, your eyes have clearly been pecked at by a bird.

Yeah.

Yeah, I made a mistake.

Hey, let me drop the April 1st shit.

I put bread in my eyes this morning.

I was told that would help with the bags under my eyes.

Birds went straight for it when I went out the door.

Yeah, that'll happen every time.

Don't put bread on your eyes.

It's a lie.

Adel, this seems exhausting.

You can be honest.

Is this exhausting?

No, it's

no, yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Okay.

Let's just do a regular episode.

That would, oh my God, that would be

an absolute relief.

Need to have Dax Shepard to have a good time.

Okay, that was the one.

Dax Shepard's at the door.

That wasn't the break, actually.

I was like, I was like, I wasn't Dak and run that way.

No.

No, Dax, come back.

No,

Dalxander.

I assume that's what Dax is short for.

Oh, Dalxander.

Dale.

Yeah.

Dale.

Well, either way, we hurt his feelings.

A-L-A-L.

Hi, everybody.

This is Hey, Riddle Riddle.

This is your first episode, and your spouse is showing you this one on a road trip.

Whoa, sorry.

Whoa.

Happy April Fools, you ridiots, you absolute goddamn fools.

You, what did we call them?

We have so many names for our listeners.

Let's see.

All of them.

Future lizards.

Future wizards.

Kevins and Susie's.

Yes, yes, yes.

Koozies and Sevens, I believe.

What else?

What else?

Oh, this is Armchair Expert.

Today we have on the podcast.

Is that Dak Shepherd's podcast as Armchair Expert?

Tis.

You better believe it.

I think I talked to somebody once who worked on that show.

I've never listened to it.

The Anna Kendrick of that, the Anna Kendrick episode of that show is one of the best episodes of a podcast, I think.

It kind of changed my life.

What?

And I wasn't, I had no kind of opinion about Anna Kendrick or Dak Shepard before I listened to it.

And it is incredibly moving and helpful.

Wow.

Great.

I just saw our real-time numbers.

Everyone just stopped this to go listen to Armchair experts.

You should.

Aaron, give me one highlight of that Anna Kendrick interview.

Is it an interview?

Is it an interview?

Yeah, it's in an interview.

It is a little heavy.

So I wouldn't call any of it a highlight.

But I will say, I think that it is one of their most listened to episodes because I think a lot of women who are in toxic relationships or have been cheated on have found a lot of solace in that episode.

Damn.

Oh, so it's funny.

Fantastic.

It's hysterical.

Laugh every two seconds.

What if we did an episode of this podcast where we got Anna Kendrick to come on and we just like got into it?

We just, we just like, we're like, let's have a serious.

Let's have an episode of Harrow and Riverdale where we just have a serious discussion.

That would actually be fantastic.

I'd be like, what was it like working on Twilight literally telling me everything, everything, everything?

She feels like she,

and obviously, it's all Hollywood.

Who knows these people?

She seems like she has a good head on her shoulders.

Like, she seems like she doesn't take herself too seriously.

Aaron, what's a celebrity?

And then JPC.

Okay.

What's a celebrity you think

you're like right now, even though it might be slightly delusional, you think you could be friends with?

Oh,

I have to believe that John C.

Reilly would like me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like to think that Amy Poehler would like me.

Still carrying water for John C.

Riley.

Always.

My gut

response to this adult.

Yeah.

Is Rooney Mara because I would treat Rooney Mara like a regular person because I don't know what she looks like.

So

it would be a situation where like I would just be friends with Rooney Mara and then like one day she'd be like, I'm Rooney Mara.

And I'd be like, the actor?

And she'd be like, yeah.

Why did you not guess?

My name's Rooney.

I'd be like, I thought that was a nickname, like, you know, like Shuby.

Or like, you know, it's like, yeah, it's my, it's, this is my boy Rooney.

You know, I had no idea.

Calling me Shuby.

Shooby.

Shooby.

Yeah, Shooby.

Short for Beverly Shoebidu, though, Aaron.

Is it?

I guess.

Ah, remember how I blew some kisses to your wife last night?

It's Beverly.

Beverly Shoobadoo.

A nickname on a nickname.

Have you guys seen Rooney Toons?

It's bad.

It is so bad.

It's Rooney Mara, and she's kind of playing the character from Girl with a Dragon tattoo, but animated?

It's dumb.

Adult, who's yours?

Who's your celebrity that you think you can be friends with?

I'm going to say either

Lily Sabowski.

Is that her name?

Lily Sabowski.

From Lely and Stitch.

Yeah.

She was a big name, and then she seemingly just kind of fell out of acting, so I feel like I could relate to her because I was never an actor.

This is a smart plan to get someone after they retire.

Yes.

And maybe

I feel like the guy from Reacher, but not the one you're thinking of.

The guy who gets his legs folded and stuffs into a car.

We're in our Reacher era of the podcast, and I am not.

I am not having fun because I don't know the difference between that and Jack Ryan.

Well, Aaron, here's the thing.

When you go to the hospital and they show you

your baby and they say, this is your baby.

Congratulations.

They shake your hand and they hand you a cigar.

They usher you into another room.

And in that room is seasons one, two, and three of Reacher.

And they say, this is now who you are.

You are a dad.

Dads watch Reacher.

You know, enjoy it.

And I'm kind of just emerging.

Is that why your baby's name is Jack Reacher?

You joke, but I did tell Mariah, I was like, Mariah, if we have another kid,

can I name the kid Jack Reacher?

And she said, yes.

No, she didn't.

She did say yes.

Beverly Sheabody needs to swoop in and give her a real partner.

Because think about this, Aaron.

Jack Reacher Cohen would be JRC.

That's pretty cool.

That's excellent.

Jack Reacher Cohen is

a great name.

Yeah.

And

it doesn't have the context of the pop culture.

Think about this.

I think Jack is a great, like just a great name.

Jack.

And

if I name my,

if we have another baby and I name that baby Jack Reacher, JR for short, Junior.

Junior.

Oh.

Jack, Junior, two of the best movies of the 90s.

Exactly.

Well, how's your first son, Jack Ryan, going to feel about having a brother?

Oh, what a brother named Jack Reacher.

But what if Jack Reacher also turns out to be like 6'6,

you know, 280 pounds?

You grow to the name you're given.

Then Junior, as a nickname, is also ironic and funny, right?

Yeah.

Yep.

It's like when a big guy's named Tiny.

We love that.

Really suck if we have a girl, though, because it's got to be Jack Reacher.

So I guess it's just like, you know, but whatever.

She could be 6'6.

Jacqueline Reacher.

Yeah, Jaclyn Reacher, you know, but it's Jack.

Like, you can tell people it's Jacqueline, but I got the rest of it.

There's a Chicago comedian whose name is Jacqueline, and she goes by Jack.

Exactly.

So Jack Reacher.

Anyway, so

Mariah doesn't want to have another kid, but, you know.

I'm sorry about the divorce.

Aaron, congrats on the pregnancy.

Thank you so much.

Beverly Shubidou's pregnant with Mariah now.

We'll get you a Jack Reacher DVD, Aaron.

I can't wait for you to start.

Hey, speaking of starting.

No.

Should we start a microphone?

JPC, are you feeling a little threatened by Beverly Shubidou?

Maybe like 0.001%.

Is there like a little part of your brain?

I'll be honest, Aaron.

I'm pretty secure.

I'm pretty secure in what I kind of got going on.

Because you don't know this, but if you would read some of my emails, you know about how my dick game's on point.

So,

the email that you sent me with the subject line being dick game on point, I immediately moved to the trash.

I kind of wanted,

I kind of want to make this episode.

You know, Aaron, what we did for you with the ugly sweater?

I kind of want to make this episode the dick game on point episode.

Aaron, that's so you won't.

Do I?

Aaron, that's so mean of you to do.

Those emails take me so long.

Because it's hard to like type up conceptually what I'm doing into like words.

Yeah.

It just doesn't translate all the time.

Why do those emails have so many attachment files?

I think it's my keyboard.

Okay.

Also, we've never had a sweater episode where we kind of come after one of you guys.

And it has to happen organically and we can't force it.

But

but why do you think that is

because you guys wear boring

i wore a sweater

sweatshirt by the way that wasn't even a sweater it was a sweatshirt it was from farm rio and now that brand has exploded and it's everywhere so i feel like you have to be you have to be part of that right like you're it's you're culturally you're like a big part of that I did a listener did reach out and said that they have like a Google alert to buy the sweater on like eBay or like

ThreadUp or any of those like reseller things.

And they go quick.

That's so smart.

That's so smart.

How much are we talking about?

Like 100 and something.

I mean, it wasn't it 100 and something like

it was an expensive sweater.

It was a, I think the original price of the sweater was like 150, but I got it on a sale.

You got it on a sale.

That's right.

I do remember you got it on a sale.

But then everybody sold it out after I.

So I don't know.

I feel like I should own 80% of the company

I had a thought this morning that yeah you know like an estate sale when someone dies yes

that's that's basically a going out of business sale that person went out of business oh in terms of like their life ended right yeah

oh

the LLC that was that person shuddered you're going out of business sale I'm gonna buy so many books

I'm gonna buy so many books books and flannels Everything must go.

Adle is going out of business.

I love my family and Gemma and everyone is

posting the sale.

And Aaron's like, hey, I'm going to buy some books.

And they're like, Aaron, we missed you at the funeral.

And you're like, yeah, I'm.

Funeral.

You want to be sad?

Oh, yeah.

I didn't want to be sad.

I don't want to be sad.

I'm trying to design my home that when I die.

A bunch of people line up down the block and they fight over my stuff.

Whoa.

Whoa.

I'm trying to design my home so that when I die, it like shakes for a couple seconds and then kind of collapses in on itself.

Okay.

Like it's a, what would be the word?

Booby trap.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Yep.

Yep.

And I'm trying to take all my stuff with me when I die.

Oh, we got to put you in like a tomb and have it sort of like sort of surround you with all of your books.

So

if I died suddenly, tragically, and young.

Because you got the vaccine.

Because I got the vaccine.

Suddenly, tragically, and young, is this a broken social scene song?

It is.

Hey, Eric, I got the news where you don't got to worry about young.

I'm still...

I did have a moment this week where I was like, I feel old for the first time.

Wow.

I feel like I'm old.

I've been alive for a long time.

Because you're 33, right?

Yeah.

And I think my voice is getting deeper.

We'll talk about that later.

No, we can definitely notice that.

You have eight years of podcasts under you.

That's the Jesus age, Aaron.

So you've, you know, you've made it past, you've made it past how old Jesus was.

Well, I guess you're now 34 to make it past how

well he didn't die on his birthday.

I think he did.

He died on Christmas?

I think that's the way we celebrate it.

Oh, no.

It's so sad to die on Christmas.

It must have been so cold on the cross, too.

Well, it's not always cold in this.

I need to check, but I think at the time it wasn't Christmas.

No, no, it was always Christmas.

Oh, okay.

My point is.

Wouldn't it be so funny if the crucifix and all like all Catholic imagery of the crucifix was like winter

as well.

He has like a little

Santa hat on.

Yeah, that's that's there's ornaments.

Somewhere my mom is smashing a glass between her.

I guess it's not good, but it's funny.

One time I sent a

Jesus meme to my family group chat, and I got two separate texts outside of the family group chat from my mom and dad being like, that's not funny.

Me, Aaron, we don't joke about Jesus.

But,

okay,

if I die tragically and young,

who should I leave?

I'm looking at the sweatshirt right now.

Who should I leave it to?

I think we should do

that thing where you cut it up into like a hundred pieces and everybody gets a slice.

Yeah, okay.

But who would want that?

Do you either view on it?

You know who would love it, Aaron?

I'm not sure if you know, if you know

the county dump,

but you could just basically, you basically just put it in like a trash can and then that.

Add all the sweatshirts, yours.

Thank you.

And you can wear it when you miss me.

It smells like gasoline.

All right.

Okay, let's put on some riddles.

Put on a pot of riddles.

Put on a pot of riddles, then.

Copper, copper riddles.

A couple of comedians manically trying to stop riddles from coming at them.

Comedians in cars solving riddles?

Here's sort of a jokey pun answer.

question, I guess.

Pun riddle.

Okay.

What kind of advice can you?

Nope.

Yes.

What kind of advice can you get from your right hand?

What kind of advice can you get from your right hand?

How to be correct.

You're on the right track.

How to not do the wrong thing.

Okay.

Think more along the lines of right hand might have some specific terminology.

Not just right hand, but maybe both your hands.

Hands.

Don't talk about masturbating.

Don't talk about masturbating.

That's the one I want to say here.

I have a ton of things.

It's sort of a pun.

It's sort of a play on a word that would pertain to your hands or a part of your hand.

Fingers.

Yes, Aaron, but of elongate fingers.

Fingers.

Add another word to it, I guess.

That's got to be the title of the episode.

Fingers.

Fingers.

Fingers of speech.

Fingers.

Fingers of speech.

How to finger out

how to

Aaron.

What?

Okay.

I'm not the one making it sexual.

What kind of advice can you get from your right hand or your left hand?

The other hand.

And

advice.

Finger is absolutely a part of it, but we just need one other word.

Three letters or four letters, actually.

Finger play.

Finger.

advice.

You might get some nice hints or tricks or

finger it out.

Finger.

Hints or tricks.

Tips.

Fingertips.

Fingertips.

Guys, I feel like I'm hearing the word finger for the first time in my entire life.

Fingers.

Finger.

Finger.

Finger.

I'd like to see a scene.

I like that word.

Grease love.

Throw Sets podcast on fire,

walks away and doesn't look behind me.

I'd like to see a seed at all.

You are proposing to JPC, and you cannot seem to get the ring on his finger.

Oh my gosh.

Wow, look at that.

It's happening.

It's happening.

Look at that.

The sun is setting.

We're on the beach where we met, where your dog tried to pull down my swim shorts, and I sort of yelled at it at first, and then I calmed down, and then you came over and said sorry about my dog so sort of full circle um I think I know what this is

get down on one knee oh it's happening

okay

and

Megan

I've adored you since the first day your dog tried to rip down my shorts and I'm gonna let it go I'll let it go it's yeah let it go

But I love you so much and I want to make you my wife for life.

My life wife.

So here's...

Fuck, fuck.

Let me.

I had to card.

No, Nick.

It's fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

I had a Nick's cards and

when we got in the ocean,

you can't restart this.

It's a moment that's happening.

You put it in the middle of the morning.

The thing I think is happening is happening.

Oh.

You really want to marry a man who

underpins like a pull down at the beach?

Woof-woof.

Is Pierre talking to you?

In your little language?

Your secret little language?

Pierre is a dog.

Pierre doesn't speak.

Pierre just

knows I speak.

Woof, woof.

Jim, Petty.

Nick, focus.

I'm sorry the dog's going crazy right now, but focus, please.

He's got human eyes.

I've always said that.

I've always said that.

I always will say that.

There's something wrong.

There's something wrong with your dog.

It has human eyes.

It walks on two legs, always.

Not just for a little bit.

But it's near the ground.

I could pull down his pants right now.

What's he saying?

I don't know.

He's saying something.

He's just barking.

He's gesticulating.

Why would a dog gesticulate?

Nick?

Me or the dog.

Here, put out your finger.

Put out your fing finger.

Here.

What?

Put out my fucking finger.

Stop.

That's my thumb.

Oh.

Yeah.

It's going to say you got grubby little fingers, but that's just a one.

Grubby fingers?

Your standard's so low that you would say yes.

You're such a pathetic man.

Woof.

Woof.

What's he saying?

It's a dog dog.

He's smoking a cigarette in one of those long holders.

He found a cigarette on the ground.

Dogs root around.

It's a beach.

It's a public beach, okay?

There's going to be cigarettes everywhere.

Why does he have a belt?

You know what, Nick?

Megan, why does he wear a belt?

That's a little kid or something.

I think I really wanted to get married, and I think I put a lot of projection onto what I was looking for.

And I actually don't think, now that I'm having a moment of clarity, I don't think it's you, Nick.

Okay, and I'm projecting that in the next year, you're going to go get that dog looked at, and they're going to be like, this is a fucking 22-year-old 22-year-old in a suit or something.

That is

flicked its cigarette at me, and now it's peeing on me.

Get the fuck,

you know what?

Why don't you get the fuck, Nick?

It's, you know what?

It's over.

Pierre, let's go.

We're going.

Heal, Pierre, heal.

Heal my broken heart.

Oh, I tripped and the oh, the ring is in slow motion and it's landing on Pierre's paw.

Oh, it doesn't fit.

I eat the ring.

I'm a 22-year-old man.

That's the new way I ate the bones.

I ate the ring.

I ate the bones.

22-year-old man in a shih tzu costume.

I've seen it.

Isn't there a documentary?

Yeah.

I think it's real where it's like some family lost their kid, and then like four years later, somebody showed up and they're like, I'm your kid.

And the family's like, okay.

And then the kid went to school and stuff.

And then at some point, they're like, this is like a little 28-year-old guy or something.

That was an adoption thing.

And it was a girl.

Oh.

But I love that.

I guess this might be a short story.

I thought of it.

I honestly think you're describing like one of those early 2000s Waynes Brothers movies.

Wayne's World.

Yeah.

Waynes Brothers World.

Wow.

There was a time when Marlon Waynes was synonymous with comedy.

And then he did work with him for a dream.

And then I feel like he's kind of been a Renaissance man.

All right, let's get another riddle going here.

I guess that's on me to do.

Let's find a good one here.

Oh, what is served but never eaten?

Oh, like a dance battle.

Do you guys remember Yusuka's Got Served?

No.

Have you ever seen I'm going to get Yusucka?

Speaking of Marlon Williams,

one of the one of the best parody movies, truly.

Can you read it again?

Served but never eaten.

What is served but never eaten?

Divorce papers.

I mean,

yeah, that works.

Tennis ball works too.

Here it says volleyball, but you both had

correct answers.

I do want to see a quick scene, real quick.

Sorry, Aaron.

Aaron, you are going to be a process server serving Adel with divorce papers, but Adle, you are going to be doing anything you can to

get rid of the papers so that no one can prove that you were served.

And you've been served.

I'm so sorry to do it like this.

You thought we were on a date.

Ah.

Ah, that's quite all right.

I'm having a lovely time.

Hey,

pick a card, any card.

Oh, I really don't want to indulge in this because I'm at work.

Okay, put it back in the deck.

Okay.

Now check your upper left coat pocket.

It's not going to be in there.

Are those the divorce papers?

No, it's the two of diamonds.

That's my card.

It's impressive that you did that, but the divorce papers.

Check your other coat pocket.

Okay, you're getting up to leave and to run away from the divorce papers.

No, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Oh, I tripped.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Hey, you've been served.

Here are the papers.

That's a joke leg.

Ha ha.

Throws down a banana peel.

Slips on his own banana peel.

Hey, hey, hey, you've been served.

You've been served.

Hey, I know it stinks.

I know it stinks.

But you've been served.

Wait, what is in my pocket?

Are these the divorce papers?

Throws a red turtle shell behind me.

Gets hit by a red turtle shell.

No, you do.

See.

Yes, no, you do.

Yes.

I mean, Aaron, you did say gets hit by a red turtle shell.

That kind of implies.

I know.

I know.

Uh-oh.

Hey, kids, we have a very special guest today.

This is a brand new Muppet that Jim Henson's last will and testament demanded be made.

This is Cormore.

Cormore, say hi.

They tried to burn me with fire, and I came back to life.

There's no one controlling me.

Oh, so you're sort of a supernatural Muppet.

Yeah.

Okay.

Why does Cormore look like this?

Mr.

Sanderson's, why does Corboor look like that?

Um, Cormore is sort of um your mom didn't mind it last night.

Okay, so Cormore did fuck your mom, but Cormore's sort of an ancient evil.

Is Cormore sort of an ancient evil who I believe Jim?

So we all know Jim Henson was into sort of mysticism and this sort of Aleister Crowley type.

Oldest time bitch.

Who's a bitch?

Oh, y'all.

I kind of like a Muppet that says it, that kind of says it how it is, right?

Am I crazy?

It's kind of refreshing.

What do you think of Miss Piggy?

Hey, what do you think of Miss Piggy, Cormore?

Fuck Miss Piggy.

I like that.

Is this Muppet appropriate for a fourth-grade classroom?

You're not going to tell your parents, are you?

It's parent teacher day.

We're here.

Let's go to Jamba Juice.

Oh, okay.

Cormore's going to take all the parents to Jamba Juice.

Okay, no complaints for me.

I I love Jamba Juice.

I want to yell at the people behind the counter at Jamba Juice for making my smoothie look.

What if they make it right?

They won't.

They never do.

We also have another of, I guess this is one of Jim Henson's last Will and Testament demon puppets.

This is Little Monkey Bones.

Little Monkey Bones, say hi to the class.

Hey, everybody, it's me, Little Monkey Bones.

I'm a perfect clone of Cormore.

Oh, yeah.

Now that you say Corborn and Little Monkey Bones do look alike, are you two both ancient demons?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh,

you just assume that we're both ancient demons because we look the same?

Wow.

But wait, you said you are related, right?

You know what?

You know what?

You're paying for diamond jes.

Why don't you want to ask us any more questions?

Yeah.

Are you afraid that we might know the answers, Mr.

Sanderson?

Kids, parents, I can't stress enough.

I'm trying to put my arms down, my arms with these puppets on it, down, and my arms will not go down.

Please, everyone, back out of the classroom, get help.

The puppets have somehow taken over my arms.

We're puppeting your arms.

Yours, mate.

No.

And now, oh, oh, bitch.

Scene.

Scene, though.

Scene, we weren't even in a scene.

I know.

You can't get out of here.

When you don't call a scene, you can't stay a scene to get out of it.

You die in a scene.

You die in real life.

Let's do what flies through the air on stolen feathers.

I like this one.

What flies through the air on stolen feathers?

Arrow.

Yeah, it's an arrow.

I do want to see that.

That's a great riddle.

I want to see a scene.

JBC, you're Robin Hood.

Aaron, you're sort of like a poor person of the woods, and Robin Hood's trying to recruit you, but

he hasn't really found his footing yet in terms of his image.

Do not fear!

Do not fear!

Look above you!

In the tree!

Do not fear.

I have no quarrel with you, poor villager.

What are you out here doing?

Collecting sticks for your meager kind of survival?

I was going for a walk to clear my head, Mr.

Condescending.

Oh, you just.

You're holding a few sticks.

I didn't know if it was like a collecting sticks for your meager survival.

I thought these were nice sticks.

I'm going to bring them to my dog.

They are.

They are.

Nice sticks.

You're just like all the other rich people.

Just so condescending.

Rich people?

Wait, wait, no.

Rich?

No.

I'm not rich.

I'm like you.

I'm just in a tree.

Oh, the clothes?

Yeah.

No, so.

Good point.

Glad you brought this up.

So, I'm a Robin Hood.

My whole thing, or what I think my thing is going to be, or what my thing kind of is kind of shaping into right now, is I

rob from the rich, number one with a bullet.

Take some stuff for me,

invest

a sliver.

Take a sliver and invest.

I don't touch anything.

Hey, man, don't workshop your brand out on me.

I'm so tired of men doing that.

You're just sort of like using me.

Member.

Yeah, I know.

And I'm not doing that to other people, so I can hold you accountable.

But hey, here's the thing: I'm looking for like-minded individuals who want to kind of join my whole thing.

I'm not doing a crazy thing with you.

No, I'm not doing a crazy thing.

Good day, fellow travelers.

Tis I,

Robert Hode.

Okay.

Hey, we're sort of in the middle of something.

Oh.

Yeah.

No.

Well, I was trying to recruit folks to my happy band of folks.

See, I sort of stayed in pyramids game.

know.

Well, hold on.

My thing is I steal from the middle class and I give to the lower middle class.

It's it.

Robert Hode's thing doesn't work.

I've thought about it too.

It's just like it's a wealth transfer thing, but it's not like, it's not solving inequality.

Fuck you, Robert Hode.

Hello, everybody.

I'm Ruby who.

I steal from the poor and give to the rich.

What the fuck?

Ruby who?

How is everyone flocking?

What?

All these people from the woods are flocking.

Oh my god.

This is the rich part of the woods.

Everybody in the rich part of the woods loves Ruby Hood.

See,

Robin Hood got primarily.

Why don't we take a quick break?

Chill from the poor and give to the rich is just rich.

That's just like what

how you get rich.

That's just regular rich.

Just regular rich.

Amazing song.

Happy and having this and had a good time.

Noodle now, Newman having had a lot of day.

Reagan Hood, of course, had trickle down.

Reagan Hood

robbing.

We take a quick break and we'll be right back with more.

April 1st.

Gotcha.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Aaron, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

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And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

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Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys in like your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics, JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word, how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive, built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic.

We've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com/slash Riddle for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

JPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-y over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

Jealous much.

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Addle, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting that my experience with the Emperor's clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

No, actually, we don't pay with limbs, we pay with money, but this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, please, touch.

Starting at just $60.

That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right, and their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

I have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like Samarn's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like, uh, it's like kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes.

It's, it's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute, and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com/slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle.

Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to walk around.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Mom, yum, yum.

Eats them like Cookie Monster.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Guys, I need to find a better solution than what I've been using.

I've been going up to this character that's sitting at a booth that it's like free advice for five cents.

She's being like really mean to me.

And then I tried to like kick a football and she moved it and went,

are you joking?

That was so embarrassing.

And I feel like that's not good therapy moving forward.

I need to find a better solution.

Aaron, you can't be doing that.

You got to do what I do.

You have to whisper your secrets into a rock and throw the rock into the ocean.

Huh.

Or do what I do, which is use BetterHelp, which I think is probably the best option.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Don't talk to a rock or talk to somebody at a five-suit booth from what sounds like a comic.

Talk to an online therapist at BetterHelp.

Yeah, Aaron, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally.

It's convenient as well.

You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, I assume, plus switch therapists at any time.

And BetterHelp's quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

They're not going to move the football on you, Aaron.

Aaron, they won't move the football or they won't throw the rock back.

In fact, they've been told specifically not to throw any rocks.

Hmm.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences.

In their 10 plus years of experience, an industry-leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time.

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Find the one with BetterHelp.

Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash riddle.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com slash riddle.

Hey, Adel, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

It's me.

I'm in the booth.

I'm in the booth.

Nice one.

Well, I'm going to go back to the booth and try the football one more time.

I'm going to let her have it this time.

I'm going to let her have it.

The Robin Hood property that I am most familiar with has to be Robin Hood Minnetites.

I think I watched that movie 100 times when I was a kid.

So good.

We had that in Space Balls on VHS.

I would just like rotate between those two, watching them over and over again.

That makes sense for your sense of humor that you were forged in those fires.

Yeah.

I feel like Space Balls and maybe like Airplane are the movies I've quoted the most in my life.

Yeah.

It's all coming together for me.

I'm sort of getting a clear picture of why you guys are the way you are.

And Aaron, I'm going to say legally blonde and empire record.

The Bible.

Whoa.

The movie?

Yeah.

Okay.

No, it's obviously newsies and pirates of pizza.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For sure.

I'm ready to do some riddles.

I think I'm going to kick their asses.

Yeah, I think so.

I think Aaron's going to kick their asses today.

Just like that song.

Come around.

We'll kick your asses.

Don't give up.

You got the kids.

You got the Dreamer's Disease.

It's the fifth.

Dreamer's disease.

Here's a riddle for you.

If you can hear the sound of my house, I am no longer there.

What am I?

Oh, it's an episode of House.

A crab shell, seashell.

You can hear.

You did kick the riddles ass.

JPC, what did you say for an answer?

It was going to be an episode of House because if you hear the ending theme, now...

House is over and you're not watching House anymore.

He had a better answer.

And what does the theme from House sound like?

It's just like ambient noise, right?

No, it's a song.

I have no idea.

What else happened to predict

House?

Yep.

Watch out for Wilson and Cody 2 and Pesky 13 and a couple of other characters.

What's the woman?

Olivia Wilde.

She was on the show.

What was her name?

It was something wild.

It was 13 or 15 or something like that.

Yeah, it's something like House.

Didn't want to learn her name.

I used to watch House quite a bit.

Um, I uh back in the days of it, like being out on TV weekly.

I uh I enjoyed Hugh Laurie and I enjoyed uh his

house accent that was just a British person obviously doing an American accent.

Classic.

Um

I was gonna say, oh, I want to see a scene.

Um,

Adel, you are at the beach just having a lovely, peaceful time, and you put a shell up to your ear to listen to the ocean, but there is a crab still in there played by JVC.

Oh, look what washed ashore here.

I'm added that to my collection.

Let's go ahead and hear the ocean.

Excuse me.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Hello?

Have you seen a princess, like

a mermaid princess?

Did someone put like an AirPod in here and they're doing like a

pops out?

I'm a crab.

I'm a crab hop.

Fuck, okay.

I'm a hermit crab.

I live in this show.

Yeah, sorry.

Hey, I never do this.

Have you seen a mermaid princess?

Or she would be,

do people say mute anymore?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't think so.

She would be not able to speak.

Okay.

Knock out gorgeous, like 10 out of 10 smokes.

Vocally challenged, I think we'd say.

Vocally, yeah, but no, no words.

Have you seen her?

She would be

not

stupid,

but like she doesn't.

Did we still say that?

Okay, good.

But this whole thing would be unfamiliar.

I'm looking for her.

I was supposed to sing her

two or three songs.

There's a woman who is sort of buried up to her waist in sand.

It was the tide.

Basically, I fucking forgot about the tide, and I've been kind of

a son of a bitch.

I've been kind of getting sucked out into the ocean and spat back in.

And I think it's like a riptide in this kind of area.

Oh, yeah.

In the sand.

Buried in the sand?

Yeah, there's a woman who's buried up to her waist in the sand.

I don't know.

He doesn't look like a princess, but it could be.

Do you want me to go check?

No, no, no, no, but

wait.

Does she look like hot, but like in an evil way?

Like she might be like not like

Angelica Houston in Adam's family, the first Adam's family, dude.

Yeah.

Oh, that's pretty much exactly that.

Because if that's right, because if it's that, if that's what that in the sand looks like, I gotta stay away from her because she kind of knows my whole shit.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And she will, I mean, she'll fucking eat me, man.

Oh.

Well, I think anyone.

Well, you're a hermit crab, sorry.

I'm a hermit crab.

Yeah, never mind.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Yeah, I mean, people eat crabs, but people who eat a hermit are basically a bug.

Yeah.

Well, sorry, lobsters, but they're delicious.

Sorry.

But dude, but dude.

Sorry.

Yeah.

When you hear me sing, but dude.

It's game over because that's where I kind of shine.

So I have a single.

Sing.

Sing.

Well,

no.

Do you do like a do you like a do you do like a patois when you sing?

No,

what do I do I sound Jamaican to you?

No, I sing in my normal thing, but I sing good, but it's very nice

You're wearing that sort of knitted beret this was in the shell, okay, man.

I'm just saying it's on your head.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

The thing about my songs is it's like fucking very specific to like situationally and they're really if without like her involved like they're the context just doesn't make sense.

Oh, that's fine.

I'm going to set you down.

I am a producer for Sony, but that's fine.

Yeah, if you don't want to sing, that's totally fine.

So let me just set you back down.

For Sony?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm good.

Sony, a shot at Sony.

Finally.

A shot at Sony.

Finally.

We got it right.

Let's see here.

Give me one second.

They're not.

I guess there still are music studios.

It just feels like those things all should be gone, but I guess they still do exist.

Because when you say Sony, my first thought is like movies, but I guess they probably still do like music production as well.

They must, right?

I'm mostly going off of the old magazine inserts that were like 12 CDs for one penny, Columbia House, and all that.

Felt like those things that are like 30 years old at this point.

They had like a Sony section and a BM, BMC, BMG, whatever.

Yeah.

Let's see.

UMG.

UMG.

Yeah, BMB.

That doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

All those companies surely must be gone by now.

What isn't alive but can still be dead?

The truth.

Deadass.

Yeah.

Ain't that the truth?

Mm-hmm.

What isn't alive but can still be dead?

Let's think about what could be dead.

It can be dead wrong.

Whoa, Aaron, it's a battery.

Yep.

Wow.

Yep.

Very nice, Aaron.

Very smart.

Thank you so much, everybody.

And I do want to see a scene.

Aaron, you're sort of like a Teddy Ruxpin.

Do you know what that is?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

My great-grandfather had one.

Dude, I clowned him.

He carried it with him in the Revolutionary War.

You're going to be a Teddy Ruxpin-type

toy, and your batteries are dying.

JPC, you're another toy who's sad to see this happen.

Hey, I was thinking we'd have a tea party today.

Hey, I was thinking we'd have a tea party today.

Sorry.

I'm a yak back.

Sorry, I didn't.

No, I know.

I know.

Yeah.

I know that you're a yakback.

It's just because I was pressing the button when you said in anything.

What's going on?

Teddy, what's going on?

Oh, I'm not too much.

Are you drunk?

Having a pretty normal day.

I'm not drunk.

Oh, my God.

I know what's happening.

I know what's happening.

Teddy, you're um

your batteries are running.

Did Raggedy Ann tell you about our separation?

We're on our trial separation.

It's actually, it sounds like it's going to be more than just a trial.

What do you mean it's going to be more than just a trial?

Hey, save your strength.

I've seen this happening to quick raps by Conair.

Once your batteries go, you're gone forever.

What do you mean I'm gone forever?

Actually, I don't know what's happening because it seems like you're fine.

until like mid-sentence.

Maybe just try to speak in shorter sentences.

Maybe that's like, maybe that'll conserve the battery.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, that didn't do it.

It's basically just halfway, no matter what.

We cut to a month later.

Hey, where's Teddy?

Dead.

He died like a month ago.

You saw it.

He was doing like a bit where he's like, I'm going to go to the store.

Like, he was doing a bit where he was like.

Rackety Ann, we were all at the funeral.

What?

We were all at the funeral.

You weren't there.

Teddy died.

No, it was a joke.

No, like a month ago, Teddy died.

Fuck, shut your fucking lime mouth.

What?

The fuck, shut your fucking lime mouth.

Sorry.

Finger on the button.

Finger on the button.

Oh, man.

Here's a nifty little riddle.

I am buried up to my neck in work.

You can pat me on the top of the head when I hold it all together.

What am I?

Giraffe.

Mr.

Stapler.

Stapler's much closer than Giraffe.

Oh, man.

Can you read it again?

Because I was only thinking about a Stapler.

Patting on the top of the head, though, that holds it all together.

That makes sense.

I am buried up to my neck in work.

You can pat me on the top of the head when I hold it all together.

What am I?

It's an inanimate object.

Yes.

Is it a.

Oh, no.

Why can't I think of the word for this thing?

A paperclip?

No.

I think

Stapler is a a little bit closer.

Staples is much closer.

Stapes alert.

Stapes alert.

Stapes alert.

Staples.

Like a nail.

A nail.

Aaron.

Aaron.

Aaron.

A nail.

Hitting a nail on the head.

Yes, my dear less.

It is a nail.

Hitting a nail on the head.

These are fun.

I'd like to see a scene.

Addle, you're a nail, JBC, you're a hammer, and you guys get along really well, but now you're at work, and JBC, you're about to have to hit him really hard in the head, and it makes it really awkward.

Oh, and then, yeah, so I got the, yeah, so I got got the full

stop.

Stop.

I got the full package and they ripped me off.

It was wild.

Oh my god.

Why do you keep going there?

I know, I know.

Well, well, this is me.

Sits out of my cubicle.

This is me.

Stop.

Oh, man.

Okay.

Yeah.

We should, we should get back to it.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll see you at lunch.

Oh, no, I'm actually here.

Yeah.

I'm here today.

You're in my cubicle today?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, Oh shit.

Let me check my.

Maybe I missed an email.

Are we on the projector?

Yeah.

Did you not?

Did no one

No one tell you what is this?

Yeah, Mad Libs.

Did no one tell you adjective horny.

Did no one tell you horny?

No, we're doing yeah, we're doing like construction in in the this uh

area today.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, well, yeah, do what you need to do.

So I'll be on my uh computer and then um I'll just put in some

headphones or something.

No, yeah.

Okay.

Oh You are looming over me.

Yeah,

you have to.

You have to get...

You know, you have to get

onto the board here.

Did no one tell you?

Uh-huh.

I'm a nail.

Get on the board.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's...

But that's...

All right, this kit.

I feel like we're past those tropes.

We've progressed as a

toolkit, right?

So let's...

Yeah.

Let's knock it off, huh?

Hey, um,

this sucks, but I have to nail you into the board.

I am a

I am a data analyst, okay?

Yeah, but you're also a nail,

you know, and I'm a hammer.

Okay, well, we're we both work at Nestle, so if you want to talk to, if you want to run it up the flagpole,

I think we'll find that you'll be leaving today.

I, um,

I got I hate to do this.

I am technically your boss because I'm a hammer and you're a nail.

It's just like the natural hierarchy of the caste systems.

It's nothing.

It's disgusting.

You know what?

Hey, you know.

Hey, Brad.

You know what?

Let me...

Do it.

Do it.

Do it.

Takes out small.

Takes out camera phone.

Do it.

A Brad is a.

A Brad is a type of nail.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

I know what.

Say, you're live on TikTok right now.

Say what you said to me just a moment ago.

Hey man, I don't want to do this, but I'm a hammer.

You're a nail.

This is wood.

We have to keep going here.

Whoa.

This is wood.

Could you back me up?

Hey, man,

I'm just trying to get a paycheck.

I don't want to really.

What do you do around here?

It's a little rude.

I'm wood.

Wood is wood.

You're a nail.

I'm Brad the Hammer.

Hey, it sounds like you two are pretty frustrated with each other, and I don't think it needs to turn on me.

You were supposed to have this done by 11 a.m.

Man.

It is is 1:30.

You know, I'm going to go tell the boss that you're just not doing your job.

You're a hammer.

He's a nail.

Let's just do it.

We took a long lunch.

You know what?

I can't do this.

If I'm angry, if I'm angry, I'm going to miss.

Just hop up on the board.

Let's just do this.

Let's just all do this.

Let's be adults.

Yes.

This is hard.

Yes.

Let's be adults.

Hey, everyone.

Hey, attention, attention, attention, office.

Everyone, gather around.

Gather round.

Don't do this.

Don't do this.

Hey, our co-worker, Brad, the hammer, said he wants to pound me into this fucking board because I'm a nail.

And yes, that's exactly the terms he used.

Everyone looks on awkwardly because they're all on the same side with the hammer.

A lot of screwdrivers, a lot of wrenches, a lot of other nails already hammered into the board.

Just kind of shrugging.

Okay, okay, no one.

All right.

Okay, I guess I'm leaving.

Who's coming with me?

Wood?

Man, just...

Wood, we going?

Just don't do this.

This is you're humiliating yourself.

Just don't do that.

I'm made of middle.

You're made of middle.

You're going to go with you.

Wood Wood is here, and you're going to go with wood, basically.

I'm not going to be embarrassed by wood not joining me.

You're, come on, you're a block of fucking wood.

I'm a nail.

Ask some other nails to join you.

They will gladly go.

These nails suck.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Don't

do this.

What?

Don't do this.

Stay on.

Fuck Nestle.

Fuck you guys.

Whoa.

Fuck Nestle.

Honestly.

What are you going to do?

You're going to walk away?

Where are you going to go?

Who's going to want a nail?

I don't know.

Someone.

Hey,

welcome to Amazon.

We have kind of a pretty open concept office here.

We're glad to have you on the team.

Heard a lot of great things.

Really?

Oh, good.

Coffee over here.

We have sleep pods over here.

Pretty much it's like any

unclaimed desk is yours.

Any,

you know, set up wherever you like.

Kind of do your do your thing.

Hell yeah.

Thank you so much.

Yeah.

Let's, uh, any questions for me?

Or?

Where do I pee?

When do I pee?

And poop?

Hey, let's get you on this board, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm being placed on a board.

Like, we're onboarding you.

Oh, this is amazing.

Let me see.

Yeah, just part of your.

Yeah, just right here.

Oh, this is wow.

That's awesome.

This is Hammer.

Hi, Hammer.

Yeah, Hammer's been working for us for a minute.

Hammer, this is Nail.

Can you finish onboarding Nail?

Yep.

I All right, just jump up on the board and I'm going to hit you really hard in the head.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wait, wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

And that's lunch.

Let's go, everybody.

That's lunch.

And that's lunch.

Oh.

Can you imagine a hammer and nail working together?

It would go a little something like this.

It's like,

no, no, no.

Guys, we've done a lot of scenes today.

Let's call the episode early.

Everybody get 10 minutes back to your day.

Well, it's not daylight savings.

It's April Fool's.

That's very

like tech startup guy.

Terrible health insurance, but I like to leave six minutes early on a Friday.

We leave this meeting six minutes early so you can go to your other meeting or just wait for six minutes before that starts.

Here we go.

Several times a day, people from all over the world visit me.

Some may think I'm dirty, even on my best day, but no no one wants to live without me.

A bathroom.

Bathroom.

I mean, bathroom.

You pretty much got it, but

toilet.

Toilet.

Whoa.

I do want to see a toilet.

I could live without a toilet.

I would say, see, Erin, you're a toilet.

At all.

At all.

At all.

I was in your wedding.

I was in your wedding, man.

Come on, man.

I stood next to you while you got married.

Erin, your toilet, she just

pooping her mouth

hey i still love you both but listen what is this scene it's just

it's just a guy turning pooping in a toilet you both take turns turning into toilets

hold on you're you teach improv adult you teach improv the scene that you called for Is your toilet and I'm pooping in her mouth?

Addle, the last time I had a panic attack, I texted you.

yes yes but but listen hey but just in general a premise for a scene is like you two are at a party and and the lay-on is like and you both you're like figure out that you dated the same ex but your whole okay okay it's just she's in the toilet and i party at her this is more like fetish content than a scene heard chef okay so

You two were friends.

You find out you dated the same guy.

That's the thing I just said.

That you were asking for right i'm giving you what you're asking for okay so you both your friends you both found out you're dating the same guy now yeah quick little caveat there's a layout every full moon one of you turns into a toilet and the other one shits in its mouth

at all okay what am i saying that's so taboo this is a scene and don't forget

And then a few seconds later, the other person turns into toilet and that and the person who was in the toilet turns into a human and shits in their mouth.

Yes.

Okay, right.

But you both find out you dated the same guy.

Yep.

And that's, yeah, and that's sort of the entree into the scene.

Okay.

Crazy that full moon's over, huh?

No, it's back.

Full moon.

We see a full moon.

What do you mean it's back?

It's back.

A full moon doesn't go away.

You're talking about sunrise.

You're saying you guys are up at 6 a.m.

Yeah.

No.

At all.

Why not?

I bought everyone a ninja creamy because I wanted one.

Yeah, I'm bad with money.

And that doesn't mean that my premise should be shut down.

Okay, you're both toilets.

You found out that.

You once said that you'll take me everywhere you go, that I'm one of your favorite people, and that anywhere you go, I go too.

I just want to see my seat.

Okay.

Look, I love you both so much.

I would do anything.

I would die for both of you.

I don't know.

Okay.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

But all I want to do is...

You understand why it doesn't feel like it when you said, okay, Erin, you're a toilet.

JPC is going to shit in your mouth.

I understand that.

It doesn't feel like it.

But there's a way to do it.

But you have to understand how it's coming across to us.

There's a way to do it that's like fun for everyone.

And I feel like if you give it a, you're judging it.

You do it.

Show us.

You know how to do it.

Show us.

Yeah.

You do it alone and show us how to do it.

There you go, improv teacher.

Go ahead.

Because I'm going to knock it out of the park, right?

And then you're going to be like, oh.

Those who can't teach.

At all, I want to see.

You're a toilet who shits in its own mouth.

Yes.

And it's the full moon.

And you're the dumbest fucking premise I ever heard.

You two are toilet best friends.

Hey, guys, we're still at the comedy point where we know we can't end the episode unless someone does this scene, right?

Okay, compromise.

Compromise.

Compromise.

That's so smart.

It's healthy.

You're both toilets, and you find out that the same guy shit in both your mouths and go to the bottom.

Okay, compromise.

Compromise.

No, no, Aaron.

That is a compromise.

That's a scene.

Okay, but can I add one little add-on to it?

I'm sure.

Yeah, please.

Adel, you are also there.

You are also a toilet.

Solidarity.

We go in together.

But brand new, but brand new.

Surrounding wrap.

Nobody's touched me.

No, no.

Brand new.

Brand new.

It has to be.

Spotless.

Never been virginal.

Virginal.

Never been touched.

This is an awesome party.

This is crazy.

Did you guys have the Clorox?

It's not a party.

Hold on.

It's not a party.

You said it was a party.

What would toilets be celebrating?

Oh, they're friends of virgins.

Big as shit.

What?

She's a virgin toilet who can't drive.

Yeah.

This is, it's Megan's, it's Megan's coming up party.

Someone's going to shit in her mouth, you know, later today and kind of christen her.

Did you guys try the Clorox?

It's so good.

It's so good.

It's blue.

It's like, okay.

I'm trying to stay hydrated, though.

So I've been drinking a lot of pea today.

Adult, we're doing the thing you wanted.

I just talked about drinking pea.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Quick time out.

It sounds like you're both being sarcastic.

The way you guys are talking is like you, like you're like, have you tried the clonics?

Oh my god.

Like, you're talking as if

we're being social.

We'll skip to it.

We'll skip to it.

We'll skip to it.

We'll skip to it.

Skip to what?

Oh, my God.

Jerry's here.

Oh, my God.

This is crazy.

You're never going to believe this.

Okay, here we go.

I dated a couple weeks ago.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Did you date Jerry too?

No, you were about to say something else.

No, I never dated Jerry.

We

had like a thing, but it was never like.

It was not like a serious.

We didn't label it as um.

I got wasted, and yeah, say it.

Jerry, yes, say what he did.

Well, he, you know, he did what he did, what you do to a toilet, say it, say it, say the whole thing.

Pause, say the full thing.

Yeah, Jerry, you know, he shit in my mouth.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh my gosh.

He said that he would never do that with anyone else besides me.

What?

Yeah.

He said that your double water flush button was just for him.

Just for him.

Oh my god.

He said the same fucking thing.

Unbelievable.

That same one.

Can you come here for a second?

Addle your Jerry.

Yeah, what's up?

Can you come down here?

Come a little closer, a little closer to the ground.

Yeah, what's up?

Dumps your head, gives you a swirly.

Swirly, swirly, swirly.

No, no, no, no.

Jerry, swirly, swirly, no.

Other toilet.

Swirly, swirly.

Come on.

Swirly, swirly, swirly.

And head.

now it's death proof and jerry is getting feet and head yeah feet head jerry jerry piece of

piece of jerry scene scene i can't imagine doing a bad improv show

thank you casey casey cut out this episode no you thank you casey you guys just quick peek behind the curtain um right after that scene ended we sort of sat in silence like a sort of awkward heavy sad silence that you have after like you have a fight with someone.

But we did cut that out because it was really awkward.

But how's everyone feeling?

Is everyone okay?

I absolutely ate shit.

You cannot use that sound.

Thank you for giving me.

You just said it.

Also, I do want to say I am feeling a certain type of way, but the awkward silence that we sat in that we cut out will be on our Patreon.

Everything's content.

Everything's content.

We'll put awkward silence on our Patreon.

It's uninterrupted, awkward silence on the Patreon.

It's awkward science.

It's awa science.

It's awkward silence and aqua science.

It's two and a half hours.

It's $8.

Some people might say there's nothing on there.

Okay.

Well, you guys, I am really grateful that

such a travesty and friendship betrayal happened at the end of an episode because.

I think a lot of people got interrupted by work, kids, significant other, they had to get in the car, whatever.

So, I don't know if a lot of people got to this point of the episode.

No, I think a lot of people did.

This is the 350th episode of Hay Red Order.

Congratulations, guys.

350th.

We should do something special.

What do we did?

What a milestone for the group.

Aaron, thoughts?

Your head is in your hands right now, just trying to see if.

I don't know if you sat by it.

It's still going.

Okay, I want to see a scene.

The grape grape stomp lady, the grape stomp lady has to go to the bathroom.

Go.

Do you have a restroom here or?

We do, but the manager has told me that we can't serve you.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Shits or pants.

In Casey, add shit.

Seat.

Hell yeah.

All right.

Well, hey, Adel, do you have anything to plug?

Hey, we should say also,

since this episode is is coming out on April 2nd, and this is not an April Fool's joke at all, it is officially April of the Penguins on the Hayward of Virtual Patreon.

If you missed Penguin Baseball, the craze that's sweeping the nation last year, you can catch up and then go check out all four new Penguin baseball episodes dropping this month.

And go to our TeePublic store if you want the link.

It's in the description of the episode.

And check out our five new teams and all of their associated merch.

It's

some good stuff.

We outdid ourselves.

We outdid ourselves.

We thought Penguin baseball was big last year.

It's only getting bigger this year.

Okay, Adel, anything else to plug?

No, just big ups to Ariel for knocking out of the park, knocking the egg out of the park, of course.

The egg is still the ball, everybody.

Do not worry.

Eggman, and also with you.

Last night, I was trying to explain to the guy that I'm seeing what penguin baseball is.

And I was like, well, the field is ice and the eggs, the ball.

And then I read him

the players I have this year.

And he was like,

what is this?

In the gentlest way, being like,

what is this?

So nice.

Yeah.

And what is this?

Beside that,

check out Hello from the Magic Tavern now in our 10th.

season, 10th anniversary.

Check that out.

And Aaron, do you have anything to plug or promote?

I honestly, the end of this episode has rendered me so speechless that I have nothing.

GPC, a review to read, or.

Hey, I got something else to promote too.

So, Hayroid of Riddle, we are going to be doing some live shows this year.

And if you would like Hayroid of Riddle to come to your city, we have a live show requester on our website.

The website is Hayroid of Riddle.com/slash request.

If you want to request us to come see a city that you live in and you've never requested it before, please no duplicates.

Fill out that form on our website.

We might come to a city near you.

Um, I will say we haven't uh settled all of our dates yet, but we are coming to some cities that we've never been to before, so that is very exciting.

Um, but yes, uh,

check out future updates on that and request a live show at Hayward overdittle.com/slash request.

Specifically, if you know, like, a good, like, mid-sized venue in your town, that would be good for us.

Uh, that's also information that we would love to have.

Uh, because well, how many seats do you think we can ask for people?

I think, like, anywhere in like the 200 to 500 range is like that's our sweet spot that's like mid-size

and yeah please do please do let us know because we would love to come see you and love to have you see us in a city where you live in I do have a review to read yes please this one was a five-star review I submitted wherever you leave reviews if you leave them I might find them today I found one from Jackie King it says announcement I, JPC, think that the way Adle eats Kit Kats is completely fine.

In fact, it is the superior method.

All right.

I don't like when people make me say stuff like that.

I got my toilet scene and compliments on how I eat Kit Kats, which is to bite into them when they're still connected and never break them apart.

Hell yeah.

I hate hearing about that.

I do have.

Oops.

Looks like Cormore, the ancient demonic puppet, is still on my hand here.

Cormore, how are you doing?

I have something to plug.

Oh, Cormore, what do you have to plug?

You can check me out in hell every Tuesday and Thursday.

Wow, Tuesday and and Thursday.

Jupiter, goodbye.

Created by Adel Raffai.

Starring Aaron Keenan

and John Patrick Collins.

Casey Toby did the editing.

They already parroted in the music.

Must be through your hate rich original.

Well,

that is an episode to toss right into the trash.

Oh, wonderful.

Any notes?

I got some notes.

Wow.

No, I got nothing.

Hey there, Corvids and Raptors.

If you liked that, you are going to love this week's Patreon.

It is April of the Penguins.

So that means it's time for our Penguin Baseball League draft.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash Hay Riddle Riddle by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or share your seven-day free trial or the Review Crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a Headgum podcast.