#372: My Hearts Don't Lie w/ Joey Bland

This is a head gum podcast.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an ice cream.

And of course, the name crying.

First it

Adult, JPC, and I just got our hay and riddle tattoo.

Did you get a riddle tattoo?

Yes.

Where is it?

Yeah, let's see it.

Huh?

Let's see it.

What did you two get?

He got hay, and I got the first riddle.

And then your drop was to get the second riddle?

Yeah, the second.

And that's the name of the show.

It's hay, riddle, riddle.

And the tattoo does not work if you didn't get that.

Because otherwise, it's just hey, riddle, no one will know what the fuck that means, or riddle, hey, depending on how we stand.

You know how I've been super unorganized recently?

Okay, recently, the last seven years.

Um, seven.

I got

from the magic tavern.

Oh, my god, where on my lower back?

You got a tramp, you got a tramp stamp of

from the magic tavern.

I got a tattoo on my lower back.

Well, that actually fits because Aaron got uh ass cheek and I got taint for our tattoos.

So now it kind of like it all reads.

Well, I got it, I got a tattoo that says ass cheek and it's on my face yeah i got a forum tattoo that says taint

is any tattoo charlie chopping gets a tramp stamp our guest that's a lot of fun

and that's a lot of fun and that's what we like to call a lot of fun let's air out the room our guest today

mr joey bland thank you so much for being here hey i'm tattoo less none none i would be super i'd be superfluous i would be superfluous in your uh podcast title tattoos because i am a fourth person in a three three-word title.

No, it'd be like room tone.

Like you'd you need like that to set the mood for the tattoo that you're about to see.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

I could be a pause before or after.

Joey Bland, human room tone.

God.

I can

with a name like Bland.

Kenneth does fit.

Oh my God.

I know.

I had an audition one time and the guy was like, Joey Bland, that's got to be a...

That's got to be a stage name.

And it's like, stage names are the reverse.

Yeah.

The other way.

Yeah.

Right.

You'd be like, I'm Joey Starr.

Mark Star.

I am Jennifer Boring.

Yeah, well, that was my reply was like, it is.

It is a stage name.

My real name is Joey Rasmataz.

Oh, they loved it.

Joey is anything but bland.

You might know him from Improvise Shakespeare, one of the best improv shows you'll ever see.

You might know him from the brand new podcast, Like Minds, which you can find anywhere you find podcasts.

You might know him from being a champion on Jeopardy.

Boy, if you did, I'd be impressed.

X amount of years ago.

Was it, was it,

I don't know how to phrase this without insulting any listeners.

Was it normal or college?

It was normal jeopardy.

So that was the real thing.

The real thing.

The real thing.

I was on it in 2005.

I won twice and lost once.

Everyone loses once.

Do you remember your Final Jeopardy question that you won on?

God, yeah, 100%.

Well, you got to remember, I won twice.

And I remember the Final Jeopardy that I lost on.

Would you like to hear them?

I would love to.

Okay.

The first one was essentially, I think the category was something like 18th century correspondence.

Oh, it was a really I would just write pidgin.

Yeah, it was crazy.

It was a silly, not even a category.

Oh, so Aaron, pigeon, that's like the type of correspondence.

I'm not saying I would win.

I'm just saying I would panic and write pigeon.

But that would fit in the category.

Correspondence with a C, not correspondence, like the people who, but it was about a correspondent.

And the question was basically, it was a quote, and it was like, who wrote this to her husband?

uh in whatever year and it was an abigail adams quote and remember the ladies i'm sure that's the one that's the the one.

And I think we all got it.

You all got it.

Yeah, I think so.

And then the second one was much harder.

And it was one of those things where someone had not made it to Final Jeopardy.

So it was just down to me and this other guy.

And it was, I think it was World Capitals or some kind of capitals.

And I was pretty, I that was, I was like, I know those,

but that wouldn't really help.

And it was something this, essentially, the question was like,

what is the oldest capital city in the Americas?

And it was founded in like 14 something.

So at first, people were like, Boston?

You're like, no, 1400s, my gosh.

So you have to think, where did Columbus land?

And I kind of remembered that he landed on the island of Hispaniola, which is where like Haiti and the Dominican Republic are.

So I wrote down Santo Domingo, the capital of the Dominican Republic, which was correct.

Oh, huge.

And that, and oh, and uh, but that also was really, really because it was, I had more than twice the other guy.

So I knew I was going to win.

Oh, okay.

So I was like floating at that point.

And the other guy wrote Pitchin, right?

I truly think the saddest thing, the saddest thing you can watch on TV is on Jeopardy when someone goes, I guess, zeros out or goes below.

And for Final Jeopardy, they're like, could you, we don't want you on camera.

Like, you can't even sit quietly.

Could you go to the shame box?

Back to the green room.

Yeah.

And

then, but I finished, they shoot like five in a day, or they did.

I'm sure they still do.

They shoot like a week in a day.

And so I finished.

I was the Thursday and Friday shows.

so i left la as the champion like i've never flown home higher like it was just amazing wow then i came back and lost the first one the next morning and it sucked you but you went home yeah yeah yeah i flew home they only shoot on like tuesdays and wednesdays or something

so i flew like a whole week of they had a week off and so i had two weeks off flew back in and you couldn't tell anybody you had to just walk around the world as the reigning jeopardy champion and no one knew you're doing that thing where you jump and kick your heels and people are like people jillie's rude were you being so funny in improv shows that week?

You just like zip, zap, zoom, hook,

all kinds of cool tag outs.

You're doing cartwheels instead of sweep edits.

Fair ladies and gents, our play takes place in Santa Dominia.

Yeah, I was throwing that around a lot.

That's specific.

So, what was the one that you got out on?

The question all boiled down to basically who's the youngest person to ever run for president on a major party ticket?

Mr.

Beast.

Mr.

Beast.

It will be.

Hawk to him.

And And

it was Thomas Dewey of Dewey Defeats Truman.

And I knew I wasn't going to get it.

But I also made the giant colossal Jeopardy error of betting everything.

Oh, no.

Never bet everything.

You can't win with zero.

You can win with a dollar.

I wouldn't have won with a dollar.

But

I was stressed.

So this is the big regret, but it wouldn't have mattered.

It wouldn't have mattered.

No, my big regret was there are sites you can go on now and probably, and I think you could even then, that tell you every situation, the the rules you should follow on a wager

and i was in second place and i should have wagered in a certain pocket and if i done that

the woman who beat me she and i uh both missed it okay but i could have won by waging correctly that's fascinating i never even thought about there being like uh websites or guides where it's almost like doyle's poker book or something where it's like 100

things you should always move in this manner there's a website that i use for that and it's like without fail tells me because I use it because I have restaurant anxiety, and it always says, scream at the waiter.

And I've yet to.

I think you're reading your own blog.

I am reading, it's a blog.

Yeah, it's your blog.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

We're on the site.

I'm going to get the way this guy writes.

When you were going on to Jeopardy, was there categories that you were like, please don't be on there or in stuff that you were kind of hoping for?

No.

I read opera for dummies and I read classical music for dummies.

Okay.

I had one opera question and I still got it wrong.

Nice.

But But there's not a lot of opera on there.

What was your major in college?

My major was religion.

Whoa, that's helpful on Jeopardy.

It could be.

Yeah, if they ask religion questions.

Yeah, I mean, that would have been great.

That would have been great.

I read something online at the time that was like, review what you know.

Don't try to learn everything new, but definitely try to know presidents and capitals.

Because even if they, they'll ask you like, you know, the such and such uprising in this country, and you're like, I've never heard of this thing, uh, resulted in the collapse of the city of Nairobi.

And you're like, well, I do know Nairobi is the capital of Kenya, so I'll guess Kenya.

They do kind of nest

clues a lot of times in Jeopardy questions.

That's interesting.

That's probably like doing the crossword over and over again.

The more you like watch Jeopardy, the more you get a sense for the language that they use and how you answer those questions.

Did you sweep a category while you were on it?

No, I came close.

Which, what was the category?

Ah, gosh, what was it?

Dogs of the Bible.

God, my

major, Professor Holmes, will be so pleased.

My dissertation on dogs of the Bible.

There was one, I feel like they showed outlines of countries, and I was just going right through it.

And the last one, I just really clunked up.

I don't know.

This is, it was a long time ago.

You have pretty good recall of these things.

It was true.

It was the most, it was easily the most nervous I've ever been in my life.

Like when you start,

my hand, like you have your thumb on the buzzer thing, and my thumb was like just waving off the whole thing.

It was, I couldn't even compress it at first.

I didn't think the skill of knowing a lot about everything.

Does that help you doing improvise Shakespeare?

Because I feel like you guys like pull on so much stuff.

Well, I mean,

yeah, now it sounds real, this, you know, all real heady stuff.

But I think, yeah, I mean, I think with improv, period, the more you know, the better, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, it hasn't been.

But that's not really what this show is, just as a heads up.

Yeah,

let me get that on the mic.

I'm going to have to review that later.

I would say not knowing some, not knowing a lot of stuff but being interested in a lot of stuff yeah was definitely helpful yeah yeah for sure and uh yeah and i think there was there was i'll also say going on jeopardy part of the tryout was definitely like an audition like they wanted to see if you could

be it be chatty on the show if you flirt with alex trabeck kind of it was those were the alex days and i will say For a guy who like he was super good at his job.

Yeah, he did one of those things to me when I lost, when I lost and I missed the Thomas Dewey thing.

I didn't even recognize it in the moment when I watched it.

He looked at my answer and he goes, I think I guessed Barry Goldwater.

And he goes, oh, not even close, which sounded really like jerky when I watched it.

But on the day, I didn't feel that at all.

I always felt like, oh my gosh, I'm making dad proud.

Yeah.

And if I missed one, you could just tell he was like, hey, shake it off, kid.

You'll be fine.

And then he got one right.

And he was like, you could feel like a pat on your back.

He was really good at it.

I guess Easter Island when I was on it, he said, swinging a miss bitch yeah yeah felt bad and then he punched you in the stomach yeah god he had a temper definitely had a temper around the time of happy gilmore so i feel like all game show hosts were like i'm that i'm that

i could have been bob barker when i auditioned he was like hanging outside of like the casting area just like playing a guitar like trying to look like disinterested right and then like people would be like hey are you on straight back and he'd be like yeah actually my hotel is like not far away from oh yeah don't get me wrong like he was very good at his job but he was a total violent

Terrible, man.

I do watch the clip of him saying, so losers, when he calls that woman and her friend losers.

It's awesome.

It's you.

It's awesome.

It's awesome.

And I love Alex Trebek, but this clip is

famously a really mean guy.

No.

Unless he's trying to get Poon on the quad.

No, you got it.

So, Joey, clearly,

Love Jeopardy.

What is your relationship with?

Riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, crosswords, escape room, anything like that.

Oh, God.

I always feel like lateral thinking puzzles, riddles in that, to the, I always know when the riddle gets read, I'm like, I know what I'm supposed to do.

I understand that it's not, don't take it at face value or redefine the words or whatever, but I can't do it until it just happens.

So I feel like it's very frustrating.

Yeah.

I hate them in a lot of ways.

Yeah.

No, that's the correct response.

Welcome, welcome, brother.

I am here against my will.

It's a fight or flight thing, and your body is telling you the right thing to do at that point.

After doing like mine's the podcast version and the live version.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I feel like the way your brain works, though, if I were to be like recruiting people from who did Chicago Improv to do an escape room with me, you would be someone I would think of.

I am beyond honored.

I think I like being on the other side of it.

I like to be the person constructing the puzzle box.

Yeah.

And I guess I'm that side of like the sadism of it.

You would rather be jigsaw than the person who has to cut their own arm off to get out of the puzzle.

I wouldn't want me to.

I mean, but who would any of us?

Yeah, if you're just like, God, I'd love to be strapped into that thing.

My jaw.

Would I rather be Jigsaw or Carrie Elways?

Let me think about

hottest young afternoon.

Yeah, I do.

My podcast, like mine, I do tend to write things puzzlier than like a straightforward trivia question.

Somebody said, like, you ask questions like a bridge troll.

And I took that as high praise.

That feels like what a riddle is, right?

A question a bridge troll would ask would be a riddle.

That's my first riddle.

Fuck.

Fuck.

There you go.

In that way, I would very much, I'm very much summoning like my father who would like, we'd play Trivia Pursuit in my house, and he would never play because he kind of knew everything, I think.

And he just had the patience for everyone else.

And we would walk through the kitchen and he would hear the question.

He would just say, like, lucky charms.

What the hell is that?

And then afterwards, he'd come back in and he'd be like, well, it was about the moon.

And there is a moon marshmallow.

Like it was some really talented

amazing.

Just enough to like make it.

I love that he wasn't smug about it.

He was just sort of getting his coffee.

No, he definitely wasn't.

He's passing through onto work.

Well, speaking of work, let's all get to work.

And I'm going to read some riddles.

And we can do our best to try to solve these riddles.

Let's crack this.

These are all going to be user-submitted riddles.

And this first one is going to come from Mikos.

It's kind of a warm-up riddle.

Mikos writes, What has a nose and a tail but cannot breathe?

Nose and a tail but cannot breathe.

Is this like a penny?

That's a really great answer.

And it's acceptable, but it's not the one we're looking for.

A painting of a dog.

A nose and a tail.

Aaron painting of a dog, I think, would also work, but it is not what we are looking for.

We're not looking for just like an image of an animal.

Yes, correct.

I mean, which is kind of what the penny was, right?

That's like a, yeah.

Also, is Miko's where cousin Balki was from?

He was from Mipos.

Meepos.

Meepos.

Meepos.

Yeah.

You idiot.

That was my next riddle.

Salkey Bart Hawkins.

How is tail spelled?

Oh, that's a really great question.

It is T-A-I-L.

Yeah.

Nose and a tail, but no what?

But cannot breathe.

Cannot breathe.

Does wine have a glass of wine have a nose?

But I think it also can breathe.

Yeah.

Wine, I think, is famously something that you let breathe.

Like let breathe.

And I don't think that's a breath.

It can't literally breathe.

Well, but this isn't, I would say that it can't even figuratively breathe either because

that's no, it does no type of breathing one way or the other.

How was it into?

Is this like a

statue or breathless?

It's not statue because we're not doing image.

And I think that,

yeah, it's not a statue.

Oh, a plane.

Aaron, plain.

Plain is a great answer.

And it's not it?

It's not it, but it is.

Yes, it is.

It is an exception.

Of course it is.

Aaron, you don't have to participate for the rest of the riddle.

You can have it off.

You get off on a technicality.

Because the answer is not plane, but it is like plane in that it has a nose and a tail that are not like an actual nose, right?

Anatomical.

It's just a different object than a plane, is what I will say.

This is not an animate object.

It's not a living thing.

Correct.

Yes.

We're not looking for a living thing.

It's just something else that has a nose and a tail, like an airplane.

Is it a transportation thing?

Yes.

Whoa.

Yes, it is a transportation thing.

It's not a car.

It's not a train.

You are to the

boat.

You don't have to do it anymore because you got planes.

You did it so well.

So now you can take your microphone and break.

Or you can choose to help a friend.

It's not like a rocket.

No, I would say this is much more of a personal transportation device.

Spike.

Do you get segways?

A scooter.

It's a sequel.

Segways have a tail.

Scooter.

Scooter and

scooter's closer.

Scooter's closer.

Do people still put bras on their cars?

Remember those?

It's not a...

obviously a bra, but like a car.

Oh, my God.

My car has been wearing a bra at all.

Oh, my God.

How old are you car?

But I feel like there was those.

There's like a black, I think they call them like bras.

They would put like a black, mostly like Mitsubishi Lancers and stuff.

I don't go.

They put like a black covering over.

You know what?

This might be a small cover.

But I'm outing myself.

I have seen what you are describing.

I did not know that it was called a bra, and I don't know what function it serves.

Is it covering the headlines?

Buddy, I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.

It asked me about grill of it.

Right out of like the grill of the car?

The grill of the car.

Yes.

And I have seen that.

I don't know what it's for.

But in the mid-90s, everyone in my small town had like, not everyone, but a lot of people who had Mitsubishi Lancers would put

again.

Everyone in my small town who also had a Mitsubishi Lancer.

This is like the

Jeep Ducks thing that I just found out.

That's been going on for a couple of years, but I just found out about it the other day.

But now it's land and water.

Ducks?

Yeah, you'll see people who drive Jeeps specifically.

And they have these rubber ducks, these little rubber ducks, and they keep them on their dashboards.

But if they see other Jeeps like in the wild, it's like a, it's like a, hey, good on you type of thing where they'll take one of their ducks and put it on top of someone else's Jeep to like pass the ducks around.

I've drove a Jeep for a while and we would, we would beep at each other.

There was a Jeep beep and a Jeep way.

The Jeep beep.

The Jeep beep.

And I knew about both of those, but the ducks is a new thing that Jeep.

I always felt like a fraud.

I was like, I'm not really.

You aren't really a Jeep owner?

I'm not really one of you.

Spirit.

Skateboard.

It's skateboard.

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Did Aaron say fraud?

And you thought about skateboard?

I like

The shrug.

The little shrug?

I think airplanes just as good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

As a skateboard?

I agree.

I think airplanes are even better than skateboards.

Yeah, let's play fucking Tony Hawk's plane.

Roblane.

I'd like to see a scene.

We'll have you two be cool kids at the skate park.

And Adol, you are a dad that used to skateboard and you're trying to hang and be as cool as them.

Sure.

Kick that.

Dang.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to try Pop Chevron, okay?

I never get one of these.

I never do one of these.

Okay, let's trip.

Do it again.

Do it again.

Okay, yeah.

I gotta be in the zone.

I gotta be in the zone.

Whoa.

Hey, hey, I got that.

I got that.

Oh, darn you.

23 skidoo.

What?

Oh, hey, mister, you alright?

You fell down pretty hard there.

No, no, no.

Stay back.

Stay back.

Stay back.

Stay down.

Don't get up.

Don't get up, man.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Dude, your pants are ripped bad.

Oh, my cutscenes.

It looks like you're bleeding out of like your leg, dude.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, man, I can see your underwear underwear and it's filling with blood.

No, no, no, no.

Don't stand up.

Don't stand up.

I think it was, did you have tomatoes in your pocket?

No, yes.

Hey, Brian, I'm going to call my dad.

Yeah, my dad's an Ear nose and throat surgeon, so he might be able to help with what's going on.

I think it's my testicles.

Oh, my God.

Dude, don't show us your testicles.

Yeah, we're kids.

Hey, mister.

Hey, mister, we're kids.

We're 14 and 15, so please don't show us your testicles.

The tomatoes, those are.

I have.

Can you go get a grown-up?

Go get a grown-up.

a skin.

Hey, Mr.

One of your eyes is facing the wrong direction.

Oh, no, not again.

It's a skate park, man.

There are no grown-ups here.

It's just me and my shitbag friends.

Yeah, man.

There aren't supposed to be any grown-ups.

What are you even doing here, man?

Here, let me...

Oh, my God.

Your testicles swell.

Let me get out my wallet.

Where did you get that old, like, Bart Simpson-looking skateboard?

I've never seen a skateboard like that.

It's so wide.

I was...

Do you know the arcade machine, the Simpsons arcade machine with the four players and like Homer has a bowling bag.

March has a a vacuum.

I guess.

I guess I know the theory of what you're doing.

I understand everything you're saying.

I know what I know what Simpsons is.

I don't remember what Lisa had, but Bart had a skateboard.

But I won the 1987 championships and they gave me a replica.

1987?

Wait, 87?

Yeah.

That's like 10 years before either one of us were born.

Yeah, and two years before The Simpsons.

Well, this is like Tracy Ullman show.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you're pretty cool, man.

Oh,

hold on.

Let me get up my phone.

Can you say that again?

Record?

Oh, that's your phone?

What's up?

It has an antenna.

Hey, guys, working on your jump.

Oh, my God.

Sorry, my dad's here.

This is your dad?

Your dad?

Carol.

Hey, Carol.

Your dad knows about the Tracy Ullman show.

And I think his testicles exploded.

No, no, yeah, one of them's getting real big.

Sorry, guys, my dad sucks.

He named me Carol, and I'm like a child, and that sort of a lot.

After Carol Channing.

It's horrible.

And

he wanted to connect with me because he knows I love skateboarding.

We can sort of skate away.

You don't have to talk to my dad.

Yeah, we can go, Carol, if you want, but seriously, I think your dad's severely injured.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's still not going to bring mom back.

That's

the most beautiful girl in the world.

I love her.

Hey, man, you can't say she like, oh, no, I forgot that you're her dad.

She's my dog.

Yeah, no.

It's still weird for you to say it when we can see your dad.

I'm nuts.

I just, I had a gut reaction when an old man said that about Carol, who's a friend of mine.

You got defensive for Carol.

Let's go to 7-Eleven.

You could have named her after the movie, Carol.

That would be cool.

That would be cool as hell.

I've never seen it.

Skibbetto.

You've never seen Carol?

Skibbett.

You sound pathetic, man.

Sorry, guys.

The divorce has really hit him like a ton of bricks.

It's not finalized yet.

There's still a chance.

I don't think so, man.

If she's in love with someone else, I feel like that curtain's on you, Dad.

Quick, somebody wear my clothes and do a cool trip.

Director, Translate, then your pants off.

Holy crap, sir.

Nobody's putting on your clothes.

This guy just got all his clothes off.

No one's going to stop.

Yeah, good luck getting your clothes off because your whole leg is so swollen at this point.

You're not getting those pants ready.

Wear your clothes and then film themselves doing a trick to send a mom.

That's weird.

I don't know what my stomach.

I bet you can't, sir.

Your intesticle is the size of a nerf.

It looks like your stomach is filling up with dead blood.

I know nerf.

I know nerf.

Everybody knows nerf.

It knows nerf.

Nerf.

We're still kids.

Carol's right.

Let's get to 7-Eleven.

Jeez.

Oh, man.

My sister did want a skateboard.

She won a skateboard from Pizza Hut, and

it was like the width of a coffee table.

And it said Dr.

Pepper on it.

That's the most 1990s sentence.

You know how it's like, for sale, baby shoes, never worn.

The saddest sentence of all time.

Right, right.

One skateboard from Pizza Hut, Dr.

Pepper.

Double wide.

Most 90s sentence ever concocted that rules.

Does she still have it?

I, God, no.

I'm sure she's a famous skateboarder now on that skateboard.

Yeah, maybe you've heard of her.

Her name is Insert Someone Other than Tony Hawkins.

Bam Margera.

Yeah, maybe you've heard of Bam Big Berler.

I thought he was a wrestler.

No.

That's Bam Bam Bigelow.

That could be Bam Bam Bigelow.

Bam Margera.

Bam Margera?

He's

a guy on the eye.

Yes.

Oh, Bam Margera.

Yes, but oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't use the French pronunciation of Margera.

Margera.

This has happened to me before.

What are the consonants in that name?

Bam?

Bam.

Bam is, as you say.

B-A-M.

Yeah.

And then Margera is, I think it's M-A-R-G-E-R-A.

If this was my Jeopardy, I would be out.

It does sound like something Gomez would say to Morticia.

Bam Margero.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Or it sounds like I'm trying to say something and I've just burnt my tongue into a blitz.

I remember we used to get on my little brother's goat because we would play Tony Hawk Pro Skitter.

I want to say three.

And in that, they would let you design your own character.

And we made a character whose name was Bam Marinera, he was

constantly beat up as Bam Marinera.

He's like, That's not his name.

And we're like, Yeah, no, it is his name.

That man's name is Bam Marinera, and he's a skateboarder.

I'm so glad I don't have brothers.

That sounded so exhausting.

It was, yeah.

Well, Aaron, I think specifically, it would be exhausting if it were me.

Your brothers.

Aaron, you ever go on eBay and just type in aggro crag and see if you can buy a piece of the rock?

No, but I will now.

I remember the aggro crag.

You ever watched Nickelodeon Guts?

Brilliant.

Yeah.

I'm trying to get,

what was that Nickelodeon show?

The temple one?

Yeah, I'm trying to get that whole set off eBay.

The Hall of Olmac?

Yeah.

The Hall of Olmac.

Oh, man.

Okay, let's do this one.

This one is going to be a riddle from Ben.

So this is a corrupt and evil king.

Bam.

From

Ben.

This is from Ben Martinelli's.

A corrupt and evil king had been condemning and putting people to death.

All executions happen in public, and for the appearance of fairness, the king has stipulated that even though he knows a person is guilty, they will get a chance to live.

The moment before an execution by beheading, the condemned will be presented with two small pieces of folded paper.

The king says that one piece of paper is written innocent and the other is written guilty.

The condemned must take one of the pieces of paper, unfold it, and show it to the crowd.

If they choose innocent, they are free to go.

If they choose guilty, they are immediately beheaded.

One day the king condemns you.

Up to now, everyone condemned has chosen the piece of paper that says guilty and has been beheaded.

You assume that both pieces of paper say guilty, and you are correct.

How?

This is a really sad story.

Tune in next week.

The question is, how do you survive?

Oh, both pieces of paper say guilty.

I think,

let me finish.

This is going to sound dumb.

You're allowed to think.

I think you go, hmm, you make a big meal of being like, ooh, eeny, meeny, as fast as you can.

You grab both pieces and you open them and show them to the crowd and go, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

You're going to get killed.

You're going to get double killed.

I think that you're going to get, in that instance, you're going to get double killed.

BYO paper.

I think everybody, I think everybody kind of knows the score with this thing.

But yeah, if you put...

I can't bring my own paper and have it say innocent and then go, how do you know?

It's...

Ostensibly, one says innocent.

It doesn't say not guilty.

It says either innocent or guilty.

Innocent or guilty are the things that

these two pieces of paper say.

But again,

you assume that they both say guilty and you are correct.

So the crowd knows and they don't care.

So it's not like it's not like you pull, you do pull one and then you go just before I die,

but that nobody cares.

I will say, here's what I will say.

It's not that the crowd knows.

It's that you know.

But how are you going to get the crowd to like, you know,

how are you going to survive this ordeal?

And I can't bring my own paper.

That's his.

Man, I would love it if you could, but you can't because it has to be in the king's handwriting.

I'm assuming we're not going to get out of this by getting the crowd on our side and leading a revolution.

I mean, maybe not.

I will say that that might be the way that you get out of this, but

it's not the operative part of this answer.

I say.

We.

I guess.

Does it have to do with something you say?

No, it has nothing to do with something that you say.

Is this like the plot of that Denzel Washington movie where he stays?

Which one?

Inside the bank.

Glory.

Inside Man.

I love Inside Man.

I love Inside Man too.

They marketed it wrong.

I'd say totally underrated.

The taking of Pelham 123, actually.

That's what this is.

The remake.

It's the remake.

I know Denzel wasn't in the original.

I don't know that he was in the remake.

He was.

He was.

It was him and Travolta.

And it was him and Travolta.

The original is great.

The original is fun.

Did Travolta.

Did he have his real hair for that?

I don't think he ever had his real hair.

No, didn't.

He's just a series of wigs.

He's a series of wigs.

Did you know that?

He's wiggs all the way down.

Not even a man.

Not even a man.

Creatively.

He's a pelican.

I'm a department in 1975.

He's wigs on a credit card commercial.

You want some clues?

I have some clues for you.

This might help spark something.

Your first clue is your hands are free.

Doesn't this in Greece doesn't it sound like he he's only seen people laugh?

And he was like, oh,

he goes, oh.

He's only ever seen it written down.

That's so funny.

He's only ever seen it wrong.

He's seen A-H-A, A-H-A, and he's like, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I would love for Josh Phil to be like, I didn't know how laughter was pronounced.

You what?

It's like me and my shit.

He was created by a costume department in 1975.

It's so fucking funny.

I might get a rolling laugh of that.

Sorry, James.

What was the first hand?

Your hands are free.

My hands are free.

You may not speak at all on the execution platform.

If you do, you will be immediately executed.

Is that include like noises, whistling, or you can do some of your classic Michael Winslow helicopter landing?

And the executioner's just hands sweating on the axe, waiting for you to like say something that's like Peter Frampton, like guitar kind of sounds like a person speaking, but as long as you keep it Frampton, I stall until Tackleberry can take the shots.

Do I sweet chuckle?

Like fold it in a certain way that makes it look like it says innocent?

Do I let that's so fun?

Or do I like computer?

That was my thought originally.

Can we manipulate the letters?

Yeah.

That's not the answer, but I love where your head's.

So we have a sign language going on.

My hands are free.

Your hands are free.

I can't say anything, but I can show something.

I can demonstrate.

You may not signal or gesture in any way that you know that both pieces of paper have guilty written on them.

Okay, so that clue implies that the crowd does not.

I sneeze and the paper shows.

I sneeze so hard the paper whips up.

The answer will not be in any way showing both pieces of paper to the audience.

I will say that.

because again, so you can't say this is about to say guilty because they both say guilty.

Uh, no, I think that it would be taking this like the ravings of a this is the job I like.

I like JPC's job, I like being the person who's like, I have all the power, yeah, right, and I'm giving, I'm giving you better clues than you think, and you all see, and we all seem dumb.

Okay, your next clue is that

you are, in a way, using the king's trick against him, okay, because he's put guilty on both of these papers.

You know that.

The audience doesn't know that.

And you're going to use his trick against him.

Yeah.

One and only one piece of paper must be shown to the public.

That's your, that's a big clip.

One's a piece of paper on it.

This whole, the whole solution to this revolves around them only seeing one piece of paper.

Is it a third piece of paper?

Oh, no.

No.

It's one of the paper.

Oh, is it something of like you

if you like swallow the piece of paper?

The only way, of course, they'll be like, well, we have the other piece of paper to tell.

And when they got to show that.

wait a while.

Wait, what?

Wait a while.

That would be amazing if the king's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you re-eat the paper.

Well, you got the answer.

The answer is you eat one of the pieces of paper very quickly.

They are forced to show the remaining piece of paper.

If they show the piece of paper that's remaining that says guilty,

you have to assume that you ate the piece of paper that said innocent.

So you are.

You actually got it by eating it.

I do think Joey's right, where it's like any sort of monarch is going to be like, we'll simply like Vlad Dean Paler's like, cut the man open.

Like, what do we?

I do want to see a scene.

Um, JBC, you are a uh, you are the king of the land.

Um, Joey and Aaron, you are a sort of um

duo who's been sentenced to death, but you are you're like a vaudeville couple and you're trying to stall.

Uh, this makes sense, right?

Yeah,

this ain't no more.

JPC, you're the king of Peoria, and this is uh, you're trying to stall your death.

As we all know, it is illegal in this land, punishable by death.

Death?

The ass, yeah, people are ready for death

to dance in the king's dance hall.

You too have been convicted fairly.

Everybody saw it was fair in the court of the king, and you are to be put to death.

As is our custom, I give you last words, so if you have any last words, you may speak them now.

Hmm.

Hmm.

You said punishable.

Your words.

Yes, you're to be executed.

Yes.

Yeah,

I get it.

So it sounds like you want us to do puns.

What?

We're only telling you what we heard from your own mouth, Your Majesty.

Wait, what is this?

What's going on?

What is this?

Did I say puns?

You there, the person of the crowd is enthusiastic.

Did I say puns?

I think that might be a bird.

Last words.

These are your last words.

You know, you don't.

Most people do like a prayer or something.

Not to tell you how to do your last words, but

hmm.

Didn't.

Hold on.

Hold on.

If these are the last words I can speak in my entire life,

take me please away from my wife.

But.

Wait.

Is my husband gonna be in the afterlife?

Oh, brother.

Okay, this rolls.

Does it?

Let him finish.

All right, the bird's right.

I like where this is going.

Oh, good.

I hope the afterlife has the baseball game

because he'll complain of it, doesn't he?

The wife isn't riding.

The wife's not right.

This almost feels like a routine, right?

Oh, I hope my sister's there, because who's he gonna flirt with?

Oh, it has the delivery of jokes.

Workshop, workshopping.

Moving on from this life.

Oh, that'd be swell.

I can't wait to go wherever's next, because I'm living in hell.

I love baseball.

So what is the vaudeville routine?

Are you part of the routine?

Hey, hey, take it easy.

We're just pitching here.

We're just pitching.

I love baseball.

You do one now.

And I'll catch whatever you throw at me next.

What the fuck?

What would that mean?

All right, here's the...

Second wife.

Second wife.

You asked for this punishment.

What?

Here's what we'll do.

You...

We're killing you.

Oh, man.

Okay, as long as I get to go to heaven.

Kid!

Do I...

I'm looking at my knights in the back.

Do I not get the joke?

Kim, he's good.

Knock, knock.

Okay, here we go.

Clarity.

You're going to selection.

A knock-knock.

Who's there?

You go.

You go who?

No, you start the joke.

You say it.

Okay, kill him.

You've already specified.

Where's the sword?

I'll do it.

You go, you start the joke.

Hey, why don't everyone, why don't someone

you go take a little break and we'll be right back.

Hey, I think so.

We'll be right back with a little more.

Hey, you riddle riddle.

Oh, brother.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Aaron, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

It's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

Whether you're just starting out, or scaling your business, or hitting yourself hard in the junk with a rail, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall.

Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys and like your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics, JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word, how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic.

We've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com/slash Riddle for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

JPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-yo over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

Jealous much.

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting.

Now, my experience with the Emperor, his clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

No, uh actually we don't pay with limbs we pay with money but this was actually very cheap in terms of money this is from quince my good lady i love quince quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop like super soft 100 mongolian cashmere sweaters touch please touch starting at just 60 that's bonkers 60

yeah 60 their denim is durable and fits right and their real leather jackets bring the clean classic edge without the elevated price tag i have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like Samarit's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes.

It's, it's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those riding boots in a minute, and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash Riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle.

Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

i'm about to sell her chocolate boots i think she's gonna walk around yum yum yum yum i will stay and watch this

eats them like cookie monster

hey adult hey aaron um

can i tell you something that i'm kind of like ashamed of yeah of course always

when i was a kid uh all of my two brothers all of our birthdays are within a month and it's all around christmas time so We used to just get like Christmas birthday gifts and sometimes we would just get like combo gifts together And I would always

tell my brothers that we could pool all of our money together and just get one big Lego.

And then I would insist on doing the Lego and putting it together myself.

How do you put together one big Lego?

Oh, I guess it's more like an expensive Lego kit, not one big Lego block.

I mean, you didn't really understand finances.

You didn't have anything like acorns early when you were growing up.

So how are you supposed to know?

Hee, hee, hee.

Hey, kids, it's me.

Birthday, Santa.

Birthday Santa?

That's right.

You're real?

Yes.

And I want to tell you about Acorns Early, which is something JBC, it sounds like you and your brothers wish you had.

Yeah, we could have used.

Yeah, absolutely.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

Oh, so cool.

You can start with In-App Chores Tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's early spending limit and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

And I mean, I would have loved having this growing up.

I would know way more about money than I do right now.

Right, right.

I mean, but I'm like a newer thing.

Like, I'm for kids who have birthdays around Christmas.

But all kids could.

But anyway, piggy banks are cute and great for loose change, quarters, et cetera.

But these days, there's so much more that kids need to to know about money.

Hee, hee, hee.

Acorns early makes it easy to teach kids lifelong money skills that they can actually use in the real world.

And I love the Acorns Early app.

I've played around in here.

My kids are a little too young to start right now because they're kind of like a little toddler, but I'm so excited for them to be able to use features like this because I think like being able to track all of these things when you are young and have money literacy at a young age is so, so, so important to being a

person that exists in the world nowadays well i'm a person that exists in the world who said i wasn't yeah no

anyway if you're ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn save and spend get your first month on us when you head to acornsearly.com slash hey riddle or download the acorns early app that's one month free when you sign up at acornsearly.com slash hey riddle acorns early card is issued by community federal savings bank member fdic pursuant to license by mastercard international free trial to new subscribers on the subscription fee starting for $5 per month, unless cancel.

Terms apply at acorns.com/slash early terms.

Hee hee hee.

Ooh, Santa needs to lay down.

I mean,

birthday Santa needs to lay down.

Love whatever your thing is, man.

Don't stress.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Guys, I need to find a better solution than what I'm using.

I've been going up to this character that's sitting at a booth that it's like free advice for five cents.

She's being like really mean to me.

And then I tried to like kick a football and she moved it and went,

are you joking?

That was so embarrassing.

And I feel like that's not good therapy moving forward.

I need to find a better solution.

Oh, Aaron, you can't be doing that.

You got to do what I do.

You have to whisper your secrets into a rock and throw the rock into the ocean.

Huh.

Or do what I do, which is use BetterHelp, which I think is probably the best option.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Don't talk to a rock or talk to somebody at a five-suit booth from what sounds like a comic.

Talk to an online therapist at BetterHelp.

Yeah, Aaron, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally.

It's convenient as well.

You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, I assume.

Plus, switch therapists at any time.

And BetterHelp's quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

They're not going to move a football on you, Aaron.

Aaron, they won't move the football or they won't throw the rock back.

In fact, they've been told specifically not to throw any rocks.

Hmm.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences.

In their 10-plus years of experience, an industry-leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time.

And if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist anytime to your tailored needs whenever.

Whenever.

And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

Find the one with BetterHelp.

Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash riddle.

That's betterhelp, h-el-l-p.com/slash riddle.

Hey, Adel, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

It's me.

I'm in the booth.

I'm in the booth.

Nice one.

Well, I'm going to go back to the booth and try the football one more time.

I'm going to let her have it this time.

I'm going to let her have it.

Okay, we are back and we're going to do some riddles now that were submitted.

This is actually

it's kind of like a riddle game.

It's a game within a game that was submitted by Elvis Brown, they, them.

Um, Elvis Brown has

presented sets of riddles.

Okay, and in each set,

in each set, one of the riddles is a real riddle with a real answer.

I think that they say it's like it's a real bad riddle, and the other riddle is a decoy riddle that is just like nonsense and doesn't have an answer.

Oh, so you have this?

You have a two-part job here.

First part is to pick which riddle is the real one, which one's the fake one.

Okay.

And then to solve the real riddle.

Cool.

Okay, so here's your first set of riddles.

And just to be clear, the red herring has no answer.

There's no.

Hell, I bet we could scratch our brains and kind of come up with one, but I think that on purpose, they're just supposed to be, it's supposed to have, it's like Aaron's vaudeville act, where it's got the.

essence of vaudeville, but it doesn't necessarily

shape.

So if we can solve one, it's probably the true riddle.

That's correct.

That's a good way to know.

So here's your first set.

What is always on its way but never arrives?

That's your first, that's your first riddle.

And the second one is, what is it that makes

tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven?

I know the answer to the first one.

What is this?

What is that?

What is always on its way but never arrives arrives is tomorrow.

The future.

Or the future.

The future.

Yeah, that would be,

I guess, an answer to the riddle that is listed as the fake riddle.

No.

That's the other one.

But that is like an acceptable answer to that fake riddle.

Yeah, that's tomorrow.

The other one's like,

what's the other one?

So the other one's supposed to be real.

The other one has an answer.

What is it?

What is it that makes tears without sorrow and takes its journey to heaven?

Jalapenos?

Angel onions.

Angel onions.

Angel onions.

Angel onions.

It is not angel onions and it's not jalapenos.

Can you read it?

It takes tears.

Tears without sorrow

and takes its journey to heaven.

The journey to heaven is the one that the onions and the jalapenos are.

A balloon a child let go of.

Yes, that is a...

Is that an acceptable answer?

Or a balloon?

If the balloon gets away from the kid, the kid's going to be crying.

Yeah, but that's sorrow.

a kid.

Maybe he's crying from joy.

He's crying from joy.

He loves seeing it ascend.

Yeah.

He was abused by a balloon.

And that

balloon was his new stepdad, and he's happy to see him.

It's a young Isaac Newton, and he's like, ah, buoyancy.

It works.

I do think I want to see a scene.

We're going to see a scene where, Joey, you're going to be playing Aaron's mother.

You're introducing Aaron to her new stepdad, and it's Adult, and you're a balloon.

With like a face drawn on it.

Hey, yeah.

Okay.

And just very quickly, I just need to say.

Yeah.

There could be some sort of, I don't know, minor league sports scene that's like the Santa Fe Angel Onions or the Montgomery, Alabama, the Montgomery, Alabama balloon stepdads.

Did we solve that riddle?

Just putting it on.

Oh, okay.

It was so far away from it.

This happens so often on the show that we'll do a scene and then he'll start reading the riddle again and I will go, fuck.

Okay.

I just wasn't sure if he had said balloons is acceptable.

Balloons is not acceptable, but it is an acceptable scene that I do want to see it.

Great.

yeah, it makes sense.

Hey, Kelly, can you come in here, please?

Uh, yeah, I'm just finishing up my homework.

What's up?

You're dressed nice.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, that's not by accident.

I'm going out to dinner with Max.

You remember I talked about Max?

Yeah, he was on that dating app?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's right, that's right.

And, you know, we've seen each other once or twice, and I think it's time that you meet Max.

Okay, but

I'm so sorry, your track record with some of these guys has been a little.

I know.

Well,

first off, I don't need you to tell me how to date.

Oh, I know, of course.

But you're not wrong.

You're not wrong.

I trust you.

And I just, I'm going to ask this, and it's going to sound so condescending.

But is this, I'm sorry.

It's not an object with a face on it.

It's not like a mop with googly eyes.

Kelly.

My ears are burning.

Well,

you get it.

Hi.

Is he at the door?

Is that him?

He's right here.

Here he is.

Up here.

Look up.

That's the sound it makes when I rub the back of his head.

Okay, now your hair is all staticky.

So

it's nice to meet you, Max.

This is Max.

This is Kelly.

Enchante.

I know what you're thinking.

He's so tall.

Kidding.

He's a balloon with a face drawn on it.

Mom, can I talk to you for a second?

Of course.

I'm sorry, Max.

I told you this might happen, but my daughter comes first.

Hey, no worries.

I respect your boundaries.

I guess not that he's a balloon with a face on it.

He works at my school.

Mama.

Wait.

He worked at my school.

Everyone's gonna make money.

He's a guidance counselor.

He told me that.

He's the happy balloon at our school that they hand kids when they're going through a hard time.

Oh.

Well, no, I think this is a great opportunity, Kelly.

God.

He's so sweet and he's so funny.

No wonder they hand him to kids when they're upset.

Better deflate than never.

All right.

See?

Close the window.

Close the window.

Close the window.

Close the window.

Close the window.

Cut to Kelly's school

Watch your step Kelly.

There's some sawdust on the ground because someone got sick and I'm just cleaning it up

Okay, hey, when's that mom of yours gonna get off her high horse and give me a second date?

Oh, she's moved on what

Sorry she's moving sorry mop with googly eyes that also worked in my school My name's Mr.

Jameson.

I'm sorry mr.

Jameson while we're at school.

Sorry, Mr.

Jameson.

And it's not googly eyes.

That is a really reductive reductive way to describe someone's eyes.

Okay, well, you're a mop with

eyes.

Eyes.

Thank you.

Fine.

Googly, unnecessary.

Obviously, you guys had a sexual connection or something.

Well,

I don't mean to speak out of screen.

No, you don't have to.

Then don't.

Quite a mop.

Right.

She seems really in love.

I got a little extra handle, if you know what I'm saying.

But a lot of mops.

A little bit short of this.

You understand.

Get to meet you.

If you

happened to have something sharp, though, I think that the runway would kind of clear for you to go back into her life.

But you didn't hear that.

Are you talking about fucking killing somebody?

No, I'm not talking about killing somebody.

You know, popping a balloon with a face drawn on it would kill the balloon, right?

We cut to the guidance counselor.

So, Mr.

Jameson said you wanted to kill me.

No, I didn't say that.

He has a recording.

I think you underestimate what inanimate objects with faces can do.

I wish I went to a real school so bad.

Well, this place is so haunted.

I hate it here.

I'm not getting a good education at all.

This is a real school, okay?

Your grades do transfer, all right?

Okay, well, my teacher is a ruler.

And I know what you're thinking.

Hey,

did I get bonked on the head?

I'm in a coma.

I ask that every day.

I also ask if the school got struck by lightning and there was a curse put on it.

Listen, your mom is hiding in the closet.

And she has something.

Well, we both have something important to tell you, which is.

I will freak out if you're having a balloon, baby.

I'm pregnant.

Pop.

Was it mine?

I feel like she can hear her.

See, if it's yours, you're definitely going to come.

Oh, God.

That would legitimately Erin.

What is the answer to that riddle?

That would kill the balloon.

That would not hold up anyway.

It takes its journey to heaven.

Tears with...

And balloon was close or not?

Is it human tears?

We're definitely talking about human tears.

Yeah, it would definitely make your eyes water.

Um, balloon, I think, was not close.

Smoke, Aaron, it's smoke.

Yeah, because it rises.

All right, give me another one.

Aaron, you're ready for another one?

Yeah, let's get that one off me.

Okay, so that one didn't quite work out because you immediately came up to a pretty plausible answer to the first fake riddle.

But let's try, let's try the second set.

The second set.

Here you go.

The second set is: I rise and fall no matter what.

Only at finals rest do I not budge.

What am I?

That's your first one.

I rise and fall without rest.

I rise and fall no matter what.

No matter what.

Only at finals rest do I not budge.

What am I?

And then the next one is, I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, yet I do all three.

What am I?

All three.

I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, yet I do all three.

What's three?

That's two things.

Yeah.

Do all three.

I mean, could drive, could drive a fella crazy.

Yeah.

So remember, you're going to.

The first one rises and falls.

Rises and fall no matter what.

It seems like a two on the nose to be like.

Only at final rest, do not punch.

Like at final rest, is that like death?

Yeah.

And then you rise and fall because it's like

you're

like.

Beep, beep, beep.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That's your EKG.

They call them coma machines.

That's right.

This guy's on Jeopardy, and he thinks it's an EKG.

Well, the Smiths call him that.

I'd like to see a C.

I almost said that the coma machine slash EKG, I think, works pretty well for this riddle answer.

It's not the one that they said.

But they do have an answer to that one.

And the other one is just completely.

Yeah, you got that.

The other one's like, here's two verbs.

Now we say three.

Is it like a, I thought it was going to be a clever answer.

That's right.

JPC, you are a head surgeon, and Otto, you're a nurse that's scrubbing in.

And

there's there's been like a technology breakdown so you've got one gotten one of the interns to do uh be the ekg uh played by joey and you're doing you're a little nervous

so we've got the rest of the situation figured out because of the blackout um we have candles obviously and and and enough you know light in here i think everyone has enough light in here beep great uh the one thing that we don't have is a working and you don't have to start yet oh sorry i was just feeling the pulse no great oh flatline dr flatline well no no sorry no i i know it's still beeping

It's still, but we just...

Oh, sorry.

Because this is kind of the pre-surgery life.

It's like Amish surgery.

Huh?

That's offensive.

Men Amish.

You say Mennonite.

Mennonite surgery, please.

Men at night.

Well, that's what we're all here doing.

What are you talking about?

Hey, guys.

I'm a head surgeon, and this guy's head is like pretty much fucked.

Well, he got punched by the knockout machine, Mike Dyson.

Yeah, so we have to really focus up here.

Look at his head.

Ben, that's not your job.

I'm sorry.

Okay, you're supposed to be looking at his heart.

Yeah, so Ben's gonna do.

Do you want a regular beep or do you want me just

every now and again?

Oh, I need regular.

Yeah, but.

I could just save it for if he goes out.

If he goes out, then I can give you a.

Oh, no, that's it.

Doctor, can I do a fun one?

I have perfect pain.

Let me get it up.

Let me beep.

Let me get it up.

Whoa, whoa.

If I hand them on the bottom of the bottom, that's R.

Kelly.

We can't.

Oh, right.

We can't tap this up.

Oh, God.

Yeah, that was really offensive.

I'm a Mennonite.

I'm a Mennonite.

You can't say R.

Kelly to a Mennonite.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

I just.

Okay, that's actually an interesting point.

We actually don't need all of the beeps if you want to just give us the important beeps, like beeps if things change.

Yeah.

Okay.

You got it.

You got it.

You got to put an emphasis on the beep.

So if everything's fine, be like, beep, like casual.

Oh, no, that's your...

Okay.

That means we got to hurry.

Oh, no.

We never have to hurry.

We never have to hurry.

Let's take our time.

You don't want to rush head surgery.

Yeah, because

blood rushes to the head.

So if we rush to the surgery,

obviously, you know, pretty disastrous.

Also, it's a real honor to be in here with you guys.

I know I'm just an intern.

That's, yeah, you know, we all have to start somewhere.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Glenn was an intern once.

Yeah.

That's right.

Did you ever have to be a machine?

I want to say yes, but I haven't.

I feel like this is the first time.

I don't know when is a good time to say this, but I am awake.

Good.

Oh.

Oh, you're confused because it's nighttime and you're awake.

That's okay.

No, you're just doing surgery at nighttime.

I just.

It's kind of a breakfast-for-dinner situation.

I thought I originally came in, my head really hurt so bad.

Yeah.

And I fell asleep, and then you guys were talking, and I heard you, and I don't want to be impolite to interrupt you guys.

No.

Oh, you must be so confused.

There's so many candles.

You must think you're in like a Meatloaf music video.

Or like a John Hughes film.

Or like a John Hughes.

No, I've been in a Meatloaf music video before I know.

Paradise on the Deshaun.

Honestly, if I had, just from looking at you, I would have guessed Meatloaf music video and not John Hughes.

Can you put me under, please?

What's that?

Can you put me under?

We can't do that because there's been a blackout.

Yeah.

So we have to keep you awake, but we're going to track your heartbeat.

Yeah, I'm tracking your heartbeat.

Yeah.

If you think there's anything I should tell them, it's okay to tell me.

Okay, so I tell you and then you tell them.

I'm kind of tracking it anyway.

Yeah.

Actually, that's really great because your heart can't lie.

So if you want to tell him anything that's going on with your heart.

Her hips can't lie.

Okay.

I'm confused because you're touching her hips.

She's so sleepy.

I'm sorry.

Oh, we didn't even have her come back from 10.

Ooh,

baby.

Child.

There's so many songs taught with that.

Yeah, yeah.

Ooh, baby, I love you.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I was thinking.

Okay, so yeah, you landed on the

I have no legs to dance and no lungs to breathe, yet I do all three, and that is fake.

Um, so the one that you're looking for is I rise and fall no matter what.

Only at final rest do I not budge.

What am I?

Elevator.

Um, interesting.

Yep, elevator could work too.

I rise and fall no matter it's not elevator, that's not what we're looking for.

EKG machine works as well, tied,

um,

a conductor's baton.

Ooh, the final rest.

That's fantastic.

We're done.

That works.

This is more something that I will say everyone has.

Not everyone has, but I guess like.

Marionette.

Yeah, I don't want to be like.

You heard me.

Yeah.

What was it?

They gave it away.

When I said everyone has it, I was like, oh, not everyone has it.

I think it's a couple people that have diary.

A diary.

I think most people are like, I actually don't even know if most people are.

I would say most people have these.

A majority of people have these.

Lungs.

Is it something?

Is it like a body part?

It's like a body part.

Yeah.

Rises and falls.

Tongue.

No matter what.

Only at final rest do I not budge.

Rising fall.

Eyelids?

I think there's like a lot of like, yeah, there's like a lot of body parts that this would apply to

that eyelids would work.

Is final rest dead or sleeping?

Final rest would be dead.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But

there are people that believe that every time you go to sleep, you die, and a new you wakes up in the morning.

You wouldn't,

you would never know.

It's just like the prestige.

The illusionist.

I try to gaslight Adel every time these movies.

Just like the illusionist.

You're thinking of Jessica Beale.

Edward Norton.

It's not eyelids.

It's not, but it's not.

You guys basically look at it.

I don't even know.

It's not.

Is it rising, falling, or breathing?

No, it's, what did you say?

It's not breathing.

No, it's not breathing.

The body parts.

We all got them.

Feet.

Feet.

It's feet.

Oh.

Boo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah.

Let's do the next one.

Here you go.

Here's your third set of these riddles.

Got another set.

I preferred the one that didn't have an answer.

That's much more intriguing to be like, you only gave two things, and there's a third one.

I love it.

Yeah, that would have been cool.

Maybe we'll, maybe we'll have another one that you can't answer that you like more.

Okay.

Although I'm not an insect, some people found me very difficult to exterminate.

They called me something like insane priest.

The first half of my name means the same as scrape,

and my last three letters are a metal.

Who am I?

And then we have that one has to be fake.

I'm begging that one to be fake.

Throw me off

steel.

Throw me off the highest building and I'll not break.

But put me in the ocean and I will leave a grieving wife.

Piece of paper.

A piece of marriage paper.

Piece of

voice.

Piece of wedding paper.

Throw me off a building.

And I won't break.

Throw your voice off the building.

Do we have.

So what are our guesses for which one is the fake one?

I hope the first one's the fake one.

Man, that first one has a lot going on.

Because the second one, paper, is.

Why would paper leave a grieving wife?

Because it would disintegrate.

Because paper kills

paper.

It's so sad.

But if you drop paper from a building, it doesn't.

A valuable station.

You know how women always be crying over paper.

Is that your word for it?

Well, I would say assume that a piece of paper is married to another piece of paper.

This is a married piece of paper.

Okay.

I want to see a scene.

We're going to see a scene.

Joey.

Oh, a bird.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Joey and Aaron, you are both going to be playing pieces of paper.

Great.

Vaudeville pieces of paper.

Oh, come on.

You've just been stapled together.

Great.

Erin, you think that that means that you're married?

Great.

And that's what we'll take it from there.

Where should we do Christmas?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I was thinking maybe, I don't know, maybe your family's house.

Do you have like Christmas traditions that you guys are really big on?

Look, I don't know.

We don't really celebrate Christmas much in my family.

You do whatever you want.

You do whatever you want.

Okay, I'll go with you.

I'll go with you.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

I think we need to take this out.

Um, what?

The staples.

A date?

We good if we good if we good if we good if we got

we should go.

Where should we go?

Uh, okay.

Yeah, let's go outside.

Let's go outside.

Let's go.

I love it.

Okay, I was thinking for the nursery.

Maybe green?

You're coming.

Hey.

Listen.

Hi.

We got stapled by accident.

Wait, what do you mean?

I'm a phone bill.

Wait, no.

No.

You're a birthday card.

We don't belong together.

Some kid stapled us together for no reason.

Okay?

Just because staples are fun.

I think that's beautiful.

I think that's beautiful.

Don't stare.

It's just a phone bill and a birthday card.

Don't stare.

Why not?

It's interesting.

Okay, well, you know what?

I think any piece of paper can fall in love with any piece of paper.

Well, if you only gave me a chance, I'm a really cute birthday card.

It says over the hill, happy 40th birthday.

And then in it, someone said, I love you, Pete.

Thank you.

Thank you for your friendship.

Well, that's really sweet.

That's really sweet.

But I'm not a romantic, okay?

I'm

all numbers.

I'm August Verizon.

Yeah, I get it.

And yeah, no couple has ever enriched each other's lives where one is an emotional right-brain type and the other is logic.

You're right.

I don't deal with being forced into this, okay?

Maybe if we'd met in a normal, under normal circumstances, but but we're pierced together.

You know what you should do, Pete?

Yeah, yeah, since you know he's cheating, you should get him a 40-year birthday card and staple the fucking phone bail into the birthday card.

That's so smart.

That's so smart.

And then give it to him.

That's what I'll do.

Here you're over the hill.

He'll see the Verizon bail and he'll know that you know.

Yes.

That's

genius.

Perfect trap.

All right.

Yes, yes, it is my birthday.

You didn't have to get me anything.

Busted.

What?

Cheating ass.

Hey,

I got a good explanation for this.

Oh, yeah?

What?

Yeah.

This gun.

Oh, no.

Back off.

Don't do anything rash.

Calm down.

Just calm down.

Wait.

What's that?

What's that?

Phone bill?

And

birthday card?

Oh, no.

The 40th birthday card jumped in front of the gun to protect the phone bill.

Blam!

Oh, I'm shot.

Wait.

No, the birthday card.

No, I am shot.

I am shot.

It's just paper.

It goes through.

It's just paper.

Hold on.

I can't operate on this birthday card.

I'm a head surgeon.

Beep.

Now, Joey, August Verizon.

That's Tennessee Williams?

Yeah.

My name is August Verizon.

One act.

Tennessee Williams, one act play.

Oh, God.

The throw me off the highest building on a not break, put me in the notion I'll leave a grieving wife.

It's not real.

That's fake.

That one's fake.

So I'm gonna give you reread that crazy one.

I'm gonna give you the crazy one again.

It's the busiest riddle I've ever heard.

It's busy.

It's busy.

And I will say that this answer has like

it is leading you to a

proper noun.

Like it's a specific thing.

So the three letters that spell a metal, is it tin?

Yes.

Resputin.

It's resputin.

You got it.

Rasputin, never ever rushing me.

It says,

and famously, resputin.

shot several times for a birthday card, lived, drowned, not made of paper, so he survived.

Although, in some people found me very difficult to exterminate, they called me something like the insane priest.

The first half of my name means the same as scrape, and my last three letters are in metal.

That's barely even a riddle.

That's just like a historical fact.

Exactly.

So, historical fact.

Rebus, the things where it's like a bunch of pictures that

is that a Rebus?

Oh, she had a

sitcom.

Rebus McIntyre.

Rebus McIntosh.

I'd like to see a scene.

Joe, you are Rasp Putin, and you are going into your regular dive bar after everyone thinks you're dead, and you're a little smug about it.

Okay.

One vodka place.

Holy shit.

Vodka place.

Yeah, no.

Yes, one vodka for

Rasputin.

No doubt you're noticing the bullet holes?

No.

We didn't.

know

I have been shot.

I have been shot.

So you know, so you see them, yeah.

I know.

Didn't they cut off your pian yes?

Oh, yes, here it is.

Whoa!

Alright, let me have a...

Oh, you can pay with Peterson?

No, no, no, no, no precedent for paying with Peterson.

Besides that, you could pay for.

Hold on, it's not kidding, I'm not sure.

Yeah, well, I'll put this on we'll pickle this, we'll get this on ice or pickle.

Can you pick it on the menu?

Pickle it, pickle it now for histor

Let it go from museum to museum forever.

Josiah, why are you always pickling everything?

I just cut- I have I killed a spider.

Pickle it.

I have pickles.

What am I supposed to do?

I have brine.

What else is brine good for?

Hey, Master Putin, uh,

we weren't celebrating a death takes down banner.

Mission accomplished.

Oh, I see now.

I see now you have told on yourself.

No!

We hate honestly.

You do not like me, the mad monk.

No, no, we love you.

Is I downer at your party?

It's not good enough to hang out with you guys, and so you stab me, poison me, put bullets in me, throw me into icy lake.

When he stands up, it always looks like he's on like ten ladders.

He's so tall.

I like the icy lake.

When he stands up, it's that Looney Tunes thing where like water comes out of all the holes.

Is that what thing?

Looney tunes.

We have Looney Tunes.

Surely we have Looney Tunes.

I see in the future.

I don't think we have Looney Tunes quite yet.

Why Why are you

right around the corner?

I kind of.

Looney Tunes is my name for my little drawings that I do.

You know, they're crazy.

What's the mouse with the hat?

Tell us more about that one.

His name is Goofy.

Goofy.

We're running out of ideas on how to kill you, Rasputin.

Let's try this.

As Simon says, die.

I will not do not obey Simon.

Maybe we try killing Rasputin with kindness.

Rasputin, you're looking so good, man.

And still Ellie.

Yeah, Yeah, damn.

I cannot be killed.

Instead of celebrating my death, you should celebrate my life.

I am the spirit of, as we Russians say, joie de viv.

He just took a drink.

It tickles.

Yeah, poison.

Poison piss?

You drank poison piss?

I like piss when it's poisoned or unpoisoned.

There's no way to kill me, you fools, you fools.

Look, look, I take my own penis and stab myself in the eyeball.

What the hell?

I think we really just want to be done with Russ Building.

Maybe we all just poison ourselves and we like kind of like regroup in heaven or hell.

Don't do that, guys.

You're my only friends.

Rest Building.

Rest Building.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What's up, Doc?

Big Mill Falls.

What's up, Doc?

Falls off a cliff, holds up a sign.

Well, you guys did a really great job with that.

And by you guys, I I mean, I don't got that last one.

So yeah, you really knocked that out of the park.

Well, dude.

You got that rest beaten one dead set.

Now, I will say, now that I solve that, I do like that.

Oh, come on.

Only the smartest of brain.

Thank you to Elvis for submitting that.

And that brings us to my favorite part of the show.

The part where we kind of plug some stuff.

Joey, what do you have to plug and where can people find you?

Listen to the Like Minds podcast if you like.

Yeah, if you like troll bridge troll level trivia trivia questions that sometimes are as convoluted as Elvis's Rasp Putin riddle,

we release new episodes every Wednesday.

Anywhere you listen to podcasts, please follow, rate, and review all that stuff.

Also, I performed the Improvis Shakespeare Company.

We're on the road regularly.

You can find out improvisedshakespeare.com.

We do regular shows in LA and we travel the country.

It's so good if you haven't seen it.

Yeah, also, I can't recommend both things enough.

They're so good.

Battle and I went on like minds and had a fantastic time.

Looking for a place to start.

Listen to Aaron and I's episode.

Also, Matt and Arnie did it.

Already out there.

Yeah, they did.

They sure did.

Gone.

What do we have to plug?

We can go listen to bonus episodes on the Patreon every

Friday.

And we have gumshoes and dragons.

Every other Monday.

Every other Monday.

I believe right now we have maybe two or three episodes out at this point.

And then come see us on tour.

Hayriddoriddle.com slash live.

We're going to be in places in October and November.

And Adel.

And Addle.

And Adel.

Yep.

I had one final thing to plug, which is,

you know, I like to go to like thrift stores, antique stores.

Yeah.

I found this

old vaudeville duo.

Oh, God.

Almost a God, I'd love to hear it.

Audio to tape.

And it's just, you have to listen to it.

It's just, you don't hear this kind of humor.

Let me just press play.

This will take us up.

Hey, who's on?

Who's on?

Who's out there?

Who?

I think you mean what?

Oh, my God.

What a nightmare.

He doesn't do the dishes and he doesn't make my lunch.

Oh,

you could eat a sandwich if you did anything else with your mouth other than flap those jaws.

Oh, brother.

Oh, sister.

We're siblings and we're married.

One reason it never worked out.

Knock, knock.

No, you're not.

No, you're not.

Would you believe they recorded in separate rooms?

Knock, knock.

That's who's here.

Jupiter.

See you later, guys.

That's who's here.

That does sound like two people who have to just guess what the other person said 18 years before.

Casey Tony did the editing.

Emery Paris in the music.

Must be the or hate Richel

Hey there, Dennis and Deborah's.

If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon.

It's a return, after four years, to the Disney Twins.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayridal riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those out of free episodes.

See you there.

That was a hit gum podcast.