#373: The Riddle Inspection

This is a head gum podcast.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

And of course, the name crying.

First it

All right, guys, let's do it.

I'm long, I'm short, I'm borrowed blue.

I lie, I help, I stretch what's true.

Some call me sharp, some call me dense, but either way, I make no sense.

Minions.

Aaron, how are you doing?

I am good.

At all, I was just doing that classic thing that we do at the beginning of every episode where I read a riddle and we start every episode off with a riddle.

So that's what I'm doing.

Oh, and that's,

correct me if I'm wrong, the riddle we didn't get at the end of last episode.

Because we always end the episode with like, hey, let's like think about this for a week.

And then we always, yeah.

We are famously a riddle-focused podcast.

Start with riddles, end with riddles.

And so we're just doing what we've always done.

So last week when we did that riddle, we all thought we were like, what?

What a stumper.

And then what did Adolpho?

We watched all of the Despicable Me meme movies and all the minions movies.

And then,

what did you say the answer to this riddle was a good?

I think it's just minions.

Oh, yeah.

And I was going to guess Grew.

It's neither of those.

No.

No.

And I do want to just get it.

I want to nip something in the bud.

I just want to kind of get ahead of it.

A lot of people are saying, like, isn't your riddle inspection coming up

in the next month?

And I just want to say,

I have no idea that there's riddle inspections going on.

We've always started immediately.

First things on every episode is a riddle.

Last thing in every episode is a riddle.

We're riddles through and through.

Right.

Oh my God.

I'm reading the email now.

I guess today's episode is the riddle inspection.

Whoa, what?

I had no clue.

That's wild.

That's crazy.

How cooked it gets.

If you don't have a riddle podcast, classically, you know, how like health inspectors can show up to restaurants to make sure there's no rats,

no like ways that people can get sick.

That they can't see any of that.

That they can't see any rats.

Well, again, with Riddle podcasts, a Riddle inspector can show up truly whenever.

They only have to give you a little heads up and they check to see if they can see any rats.

It's actually pretty similar to a health inspection.

But that's what we're doing today, I guess.

I guess.

I mean,

we'll just keep doing what we always do, my beloved friends who we get along with great.

I guess people would also be like, wait a second, isn't your podcast the one that failed like seven straight years of riddle inspections?

Our podcast.

And I'm like, oh, I mean, I guess, but like, they don't shut your podcast down.

Listen, in our logo thumbnail that you might see wherever you're listening to this podcast, and you can find our podcast wherever you're listening to the podcast.

Let me just say that immediately.

Immediately.

Immediately.

Of course, hidden in our logo is

a C-minus

from the state.

Uh-huh.

Now, did we take that C-minus and sort of put some purple and gold and filigree and sort of let it soak in to the background?

Maybe.

I don't think that's against the rules.

Do we pay the $30,000 fee every year we get from the riddle inspection?

Maybe.

Maybe we owe a lot of money.

But I guess, and this is kind of crazy.

If we started the episode with a riddle, which we kind of do every episode, we might not have to pay that $30,000 this year.

Yeah.

But Al said, we stay the course.

And I agree.

We get along.

We do riddles.

This is all.

This is all good, guys.

All right.

So now that we got that out of the way,

you guys, I can, you know, the closet of all of our bullshit that we we shoved all of our bullshit into

the beginning of the episode.

I feel like it's about to all come bursting out.

No, no, no, we shoved it in good.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I can hear it creaking.

You guys, all of our bullshit's about to topple out.

That's just air escaping.

Yeah, and I put a creak in there.

So that's probably

what you hear.

Yeah.

It's more like a river.

Speaking of a river of bullshit.

We should poke some air holes in there because a lot of the characters that we have from the show are in there.

Little Monkey Bones doesn't breathe.

JP Riddles doesn't breathe.

Coco Chanel doesn't breathe.

Coco

doesn't

breathe.

Cash beer.

Dr.

Camellia doesn't breathe.

I actually think most of our characters have gills.

Yeah, they're mostly golems

or fish.

Anyways, sort of like shape water.

Riddle podcast, stay the course.

The answer to that riddle was, do you want me to read it again or do you have it?

Is the answer to the riddle, Aaron?

Is it one of these things where it's like the answer is like, hey, Riddle Riddle.

And it's like, welcome to the podcast.

No, but I would say it's probably in some ways on theme for our show.

I'm Adel.

I'm GPC.

I'm Aaron.

I'm long.

I'm short.

I'm borrowed.

Blue.

I lie.

I help.

I stretch what's true.

Some call me sharp.

Some call me dense.

But either way, I make no sense.

Riddles.

This also sounds like...

I mean, this also sounds like

what is supposed to be couched within wedding vows, right?

Or a wedding ceremony.

Something borrowed, something blue.

Something sharp, something dull.

Was that?

Yeah.

I'm sharp and you are dull.

Addle.

Adult.

Addle.

Oh, sorry.

Adult.

The answer is an excuse.

Whoa.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

I can see that.

I can see that.

Well, so

Steve Martin.

Let's see.

Steve Martin.

I want to see a scene.

Steve Martin is a minion.

Well, excuse.

Oh, no, the closet exploded.

And I'll have Casey do a little soundscape of a bunch of our bullshit moments falling out of a closet.

Hey, Aaron, hate that.

Casey, you can figure out how to do that.

Hey, Casey, you don't need to do that.

Casey, you don't need to do that.

Casey, we'll have fun with it.

We say, Casey, we'll have fun with it.

And then Casey's up until 3 a.m., like, putting together a meticulous soundscape.

And he's like, hey, I did it.

I go, Casey, nobody cares about that.

You got to take care of yourself.

He's such a perfectionist and it's up to his standards.

And it's four in the morning.

And he's like, why did I do this?

And so, Aaron, I have a question for you.

Is it fun to do that to Casey?

Um,

honestly, sometimes.

As mean as I am to Casey, that's the kind of thing where I'm like, oh, that's the thing that we don't actually do to Casey because that actually hurts Casey.

No, you know what, Casey, here's, no, no, no.

Let me, this is my counter argument to that.

I don't like doing that to Casey often, but once or twice a year,

I think that we should, he's one of the most talented

sound editors.

He's so funny.

Casey is hysterical and he's not on mic.

And sometimes it feels like a huge waste to have someone so funny not on mic.

So to give him an opportunity to showcase how funny he is in the edit of something, I actually think

I'm happy to creatively challenge Casey once a year.

Casey, how do you feel?

I have ideas cooking for it.

Oh my God, Casey, shut up.

All I ask, all I ask is

one less scene this episode.

See, this is the problem.

We like, let's creatively challenge Casey with a panic attack.

Let's get to it.

I heard this story the other day.

I just thought I'd share it with everyone here.

Great.

An editor goes to see a doctor.

He says, I'm so stressed out from editing a podcast.

It's just night and day.

It's just, I'm so stressed out.

And the doctor says, take a break.

Go see the great editor in town, Casey Toney.

And the editor says, but doctor, I hate Casey Toney.

And the twist is Donny Wahlberg actually killed the Doctor like three hours ago.

Yes, the doctor just finally got about it.

But the doctor sees living people.

Wait, how did the shit work?

Casey, how about this?

For the rest of the episode, normally Casey does like a soundscape for scenes.

We will do that for each other's scenes for the rest of the episode.

This is a very special episode where Casey, the rest of the episode, you're no more, okay?

You can put all your energy in that one moment at the the beginning.

So we passed the rental inspection, but we're going to fail the podcast sound inspection for the rest of the episode.

We just can't, we can't win with one of these things.

Here's what I'm going to do.

Here's what I'm going to do.

I don't need that, but here's what I'm going to do.

I'm saying it now because I'm not putting too much time.

I'm going to take a couple door break sounds.

I'm going to take a bunch of like items, clattering sounds.

I'm going to make those pop off right when you say the door bursts.

Then I'm going to grab one of the best of edits.

I'm just going to cut a few random points where you guys are being chaotic from that and overlay them they're not gonna be the specific moments that people think but you're gonna hear your voices i'll pan them to a couple different directions maybe add a little effect work smarter not harder i i love this i don't know i feel like i could do that in in 15 minutes i don't know if this is permissible can you just instead of the the bursting sounds and clanking and all that can you just put in from like the goof troop movie or goofy movie like the yahoo hoo hooey okay

we are gonna have to demonetize this episode, though.

Is that okay?

Okay, well, demonize?

Then, if you die on your gravestone, it has to be Casey Toney.

He cut every corner.

Oh,

okay.

If you're fine with that, then I'm fine with it too.

And every bathroom concert, every concert, bathroom line.

You're the person who has mental illness.

So, what are you doing to Casey right now?

You understand what you're doing to him, right?

Hurt people, hurt people.

And then he'll hurt someone else with mental illness.

And that's how the earth works.

Are you new here?

No, Casey, of course, cut corners.

I'm as the only person on this podcast that doesn't suffer from mental health.

I do have to say, wait a second, what's going on here?

Also, can I, really quick, Casey, and I actually would like your backup on this.

JPC, are you fucking kidding me?

Can you play a montage of how mean JPC is to Casey on a constant clip?

He looks over at the riddle inspector.

Okay, we're just

this is a bit.

I come in and I tease you affectionately.

affectionately i of course i want you to cut corners obviously love that i tease you affectionately and i'm the bad guy jpc is verbally abusive to you

look look we all have our own what do you mean looks and personalities but what we don't do is we don't exacerbate the our people's uh things that keep them up at night like aaron i would never be like aaron i think you should be 15 minutes later into things i would never say that to you that's just mean

i'm laughing i'm smiling but aaron i'm laughing though.

Looking dead in the eyes of the riddle inspector.

And this is sort of like a Metallica thing.

We're like, we're making a documentary about therapy.

There's not a therapist in the room.

We're throwing stuff at the wall.

No, that is such a good point, JPC, because I will ask Casey to do a silly thing.

But Casey, you are such...

Would you call yourself a perfectionist, Casey?

Because I would say that you hold yourself to a really high standard.

In certain matters like these, yes.

Okay, so you called yourself a perfectionist, right?

Adult.

He called himself the perfectionist.

Hello, hey, Riddle Riddle fans.

Perfectionist editor Casey Tony here from the future.

After gassing me up like that, you know I had to do the actual sound design.

Come on, you know, I had to do it to him.

Anyway, here it is.

Oh, no, the closet exploded.

I am pouring

buttons, right?

Also, before we get into vitals and now that you're on mic, Casey, the four of us saw Jesus Christ Superstar at the Hollywood Bowl this past weekend.

Oh, that's right.

And by that, we mean one month ago, but yes.

Oh, yes.

I'm up here.

What's the buzz?

Tell me, what's happening?

What's the buzz?

What's the happening?

It was, it was fantastic.

I assured you.

Sorry.

We were all very concerned because we were so excited to see Josh Gadd as King Herod.

But then the Thursday before we went, Josh Gadd got COVID, had a dropout, and Jon Stamos jumped in.

And we were like, you're in a city of, I want to say 99% of the world's celebrities, and you're back up to Josh Gadd as King Herod is John Stamos?

It sounds like he knew it and was ready.

Also, his wig was so funny.

I was a little sad we didn't get to see Jon Stamos because that would have been a blast.

He looked like Uncle Baby Billy played by Walter Goggins in Reggie Simpsons.

To a point where he looks like that and we all thought, oh my God, Goggins would have been

crushed.

But Gad got better and we did see Gad.

And Gad, I got to say, Gad brought it.

He was great.

Gad needs a day of Stamos to be at his absolute best.

He thrived on that.

He was riffing.

He was riffing left and right.

He was a madman.

He was breaking the fourth wall in the best possible way.

Threatening to give Jesus COVID, like kicking his feet and yelling stamos every time.

Oh, man.

What do we all think?

Well, I sent out the tickets randomly, and I wish I had been more careful about it because I ended up next to JPC.

Okay, okay.

And again, this is just sort of a fun game we play.

But here's, no, here's the issue.

This is a compliment.

JPC is so fucking funny.

And he kept pretending that he thought every celebrity and every old person in the audience was John Ratzenberg.

And he kept going, is that John Ratzenberg?

And that was making me laugh.

But then when we were at the night where there was a mic issue at the top of Act Two and JPC said, full volume, stay in it, guys, like a coach.

And I was laughing the rest of the show.

It's so fucking funny.

Because there is a mic issue.

And at one point, look, it's very choreographed.

I heard that they had like a pretty grueling schedule to do this thing.

But also, it's like, Jesus Christ, superstar is not the most, you know, character or choreograph heavy show.

So when the mic thing happened, it kind of just felt like everybody on stage was kind of just hanging out.

And I'm like, there's nothing to stay in.

That's why it was so funny.

They were all sitting around the table for the last supper and you were like, stay in it, guys.

Yeah, be here.

Be in this moment.

Very minimal staging.

Basically, just like risers for the set.

I thought the show was phenomenal, but yeah, very, very minimal sort of production.

What would you all give it out of 10?

Well, I had a 10 out of 10 good time.

I mean, I'd never been to the Hollywood Bowl before.

10 out of 10 good time.

Seeing Cynthia Riva live, I think, is transcendent.

I think it's just

something everyone should try and do.

She's incredible.

And I think kind of miscast as Jesus, though.

Oh, please.

Jesus was a white man with blue eyes.

We all, we've all seen the pictures.

I don't care if you want to make Jesus black.

I don't care if you want to make Jesus a woman.

And I don't care if you want to make Jesus gay.

But 5'1?

She's so tiny.

Next to Adam Lambert's.

Adam Lambert, 6'1, 3-inch platforms.

It was crazy there.

Three inches?

I'd say 5-inch yards.

That guy was on stilts.

Jesus Christ.

So we all loved Arrivo Lambert.

It was incredible.

I think we agree that the, I always want to say Caliphate.

Who's the guy?

Caiaphas.

Caiaphas.

Caiaphas's little sidekick.

I got to look up the name because

what would you do with that Jesus of Nazareth, that little guy.

And Aaron, what did you say?

What I said, I love that little guy.

Who's that?

What's that guy's name?

What did you say, Aaron?

I was like, oh, that little county guy.

That's like,

I fucking love that guy.

If anyone knows that actor, I fucking love him.

Oh, he's incredible.

Really?

Anna.

Oh, Aaron, I believe that's John Gratzenberger.

JBC.

The character's name is A-N-N-A-S, Anis.

Anus.

Caiaphas and Anus were like my two favorite parts of the Caiaphas was great.

They gave him a little head tattoo,

which when I saw the actor and he didn't have the head tattoo, I thought, honestly, man, big guy, bald, big beard.

You could rock the head tattoo.

The head tattoo was working for you.

Yeah.

I would give it a 10.

I've seen a lot of productions and I love Judas's parts.

Every other time I've seen it, I've been a big fan of it.

And the fact that this, like, Adam Lambert's voice is crazy, but the Jesus parts in the show were.

I'll never get over what it felt like watching her live.

I've never seen anything like it.

And I'm also so glad that we all got to go together.

Yeah, like that would have felt like such a frustrating thing if I had sat down and we hadn't organized that.

I'm so glad we all got to go.

I was on the very end because of the layout.

Oh, closest to the ice cream.

Shut up.

Closest to the guy who played Jesus in the movie.

Ted Neely.

Was he in our section?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I was next to Janet and Zorp, who both had not seen the show at all.

And so that was very exciting to like be in the presence of two people who every time like the guitar is wailing or somebody is belting is also just like blown away that this is a musical, you know, and that was very cool.

I do agree that Gethsemane, which is like Jesus' big number.

Yeah, huge.

That's, that's a great song.

That's always been a great song.

And if you think of my favorite things up, I had one riff from Gethsemane and one riff from Heaven on Their Mind.

So there's like two of my favorite songs.

But her version of Gethsemane, I was weeping.

I was like, when I looked over at you, Zorp, and Janet during that number, I've never, the three of you were like puddles.

It was so sweet.

It was insane.

And, and like the thing, it's like, I'm, I look, I'm atheist.

So it was not like religious.

It was just like the emotion.

Her acting was, was so incredible and her voice was so incredible that it became like a transcendent religious experience.

I think I know after that, people are like, Jesus, actually, it's a pretty good idea.

Yeah.

Janet said, what did Janet said?

She said, I get how people felt about Jesus or something, which I thought was a really powerful way of putting it.

All right.

I'd just like to say, as a counterpoint to that, I have kind of the opposite take about Jesus because every time I watch Jesus Christ Superstar, first of all, I don't even think Gethsemane is a good song.

I think it's a really impressive vocal performance.

Yes.

And to watch Cynthia do, I mean, it's like a hard song.

Like, even me who doesn't sing knows that that's a hard song.

So to watch what she did with it, you couldn't, I mean, she got like a huge standing ovation.

You couldn't help but be impressed.

But watching Jesus Christ Superstar, every time I watch it, I am taken by how much of a little bitch Jesus is in that musical.

Yeah, because truly, Judas is right.

Judas is like, hey, what are we fucking doing here?

And Jesus is like, you guys don't understand what's going on.

Your little pea brains are too stupid.

And at no point in the musical does he ever say, here's the plan.

All he ever says is like.

Get with the fucking plan.

You guys are dumb.

You don't get it.

And it's like, hey, Jesus, maybe take four minutes to just kind of explain shit to these people.

They seem pretty willing to follow you.

I love that because I love that.

Yeah, that line delivery of hey, Jesus is so funny.

I've never heard it before.

Hey, Jesus, like, like hey, Arnold.

But it's, it's, it's a very, I love the musical, um, but it's like it's so frustrating to watch Jesus be like, I am literally smarter than you.

I know what's going to happen.

No one else knows what's going to happen, and that pisses me off.

It's like, just tell people.

That happens to be, this is why it was 10 out of 10 experience.

I think it was an 8.5 production for me, just because I feel like you

need a, and I said this at the night.

Adam Lambert's voice was incredible.

He sounded fantastic, second only to Carl Anderson in that role that I've heard.

And his acting was so bad and so cartoonish that you should come out of Jesus Christ Superstar, seeing both the flaws, but valid perspective of each of the characters.

It's supposed to be a complicated human story.

He was kind of playing Judas like the devil.

Yes.

And he had like a little devilish grin to his face.

It was unlike I'd ever seen even where, like, especially the way they did Superstar the song, where it was like mocking the whole time.

That was, that was really weird.

To sum it up, I think Cynthia was playing Jesus and Adam Lambert was playing Adam Lambert.

Like, he was not.

I loved his voice.

I don't know him for anything, but I just think he was like, whatever he is, that was what it was.

I was just watching a man be himself.

I don't know him from from adam lambert uh one quick thing one small thing i just want to mention before we move on one of my favorite parts was during this sort of uh i don't i've never read the bible this sort of like den of inequities where it's like people are selling it's like the marketplace where jesus flips the tables it's like the temple the temple thank you with the moneylenders i guess but it's like there's like ammo and drugs and all this stuff uh i love that they had all that on stage but it was also done with the patina of like a horny magic show and like it looked like a pretty cool party Yeah, there's a lot of like people partnering up to, like, give a like, give illusions, but in a fuck way.

And, like, there was a guy literally taking bongs in front of his penis.

People were holding bongs in front of like bong dongs.

Oh, he wasn't in the show.

They would make themselves bong dongs, and then they'd like suck their own, like, they'd, they'd, yeah,

it was really

bong dongs.

It was really such a tonal shift.

I mean, it was, I thought it was very funny.

I, the last thing I'll say is that hypothetically, I maybe partook in an edible.

And it's the best timing of any drug I've ever taken because it literally hit during the overture when it Cynthia came out during the bum ba bum

ba ba bum.

And I was like, yeah.

Aaron took twice as much or three times as much of an edible as I did and then tried to, the whole show convince me I was out of my mind high.

I kept sending adult videos being like, dude, whoa, you're so high.

hot.

I'm like, I think you're tripping more than I am.

Oh, I was tripping.

The riddle inspector is giving a side eye right now.

No, no, I was fine.

Everything's fine.

Here's some riddles.

Okay.

Oh, also, this is from Molly's riddle book.

If we still have that theme.

It's time for Molly.

Molly's riddle books.

A new Molly riddle book, by the the way, that we got at the LA Live Show.

When Gertrude entered the plane, she caused her own death and the deaths of 200 people, yet she was never blamed or criticized for her actions.

What happened?

Gertrude's a kaiju.

Yeah, kaiju.

Godzilla type.

Not this time.

Gertrude is like a Mr.

Magoo ass pilot.

Ass pilot?

Oh, is this my sandwich?

Is Gertrude like a duck or like a goose or something?

Ooh.

Yeah, went to the engines.

Yes.

Gertrude, a goose, had been sucked into the jet engine.

I would like to say that.

Before we see a scene, did it not also say that nobody blamed Gertrude for it?

Well,

that people don't blame?

When a goose gets sucked into a plane, you absolutely say, like, that's what happened, right?

I know, but you don't think like the goose did it on purpose.

Okay, okay, I guess, yeah, you don't blame the goose in that way, but you do say, you do, like, literally blame it on the fact that a goose got sucked.

Okay, gotcha.

I'd like to say Sane.

I've changed the scene I want to see now.

I understand.

If anything, they murdered a goose in its own home.

That's true.

You're in the goose's house.

Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene.

JPC, you're a goose

who brought down a whole plane and you're drinking at a bar.

And Adel, you are one of the family members of someone who's on that plane and you recognize him at the bar and you go to confront him.

Yeah, so we've been doing okay, but it's.

Can I get another four goose fingers over here?

Oh my God.

Don't no, no, no, don't look, don't look, don't look, don't look.

Who is it?

Thank you.

That's fucking him, isn't it?

That's one of the geese.

You should say something.

He's counting on you not saying something.

He's counting on you being too polite.

This is well?

This is good.

Carol hated when I was confrontational.

But you know what?

She's gotten

around.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Oh, honk.

Honk, I guess.

Oh, what the fuck?

Honk?

Honk, huh?

What the fuck?

I'm just.

That's our word.

That's our word.

Hold on.

You're the

bad one here.

Yo, yeah.

You just walked up to a goose and said, honk, honk.

Hey, gentlemen, take it outside if you're going to fight, okay?

All right, let's go outside.

Let's go outside.

I'm actually, that's actually where I live, and I'm not ready to go home yet.

Well, that's actually where I fight.

That's where I work.

So let me take off my jacket here, Canadian down.

What the fuck?

Canadian goose coat here.

Goose feathers in the lining.

Everything I buy now is goose feathers.

You're wearing a goose feather jacket

around me?

Yeah, that's right.

Thank you.

I got paid huge money for that.

What?

We're very

good at the feathers.

That kills us.

Yeah, feathers are like your skin or something.

Come on.

Nah, man.

Feathers are not like our skin.

So this is like when I have a sperm trample?

Tell him that he's...

Tell him it's his fault.

The plane.

Tell him.

It's your.

Hey.

What's your woman saying?

No, I have an index card for this exact moment.

I knew this day was going to be.

Webster's dictionary defines revenge as

if your chick has something to say to me,

she can say it to me.

Oh.

Carol?

Punches goose in the face.

Jokes on you, man.

You hit beak.

Your hand's a mess.

Oh, let me try to hit you right in the stomach like Houdini.

Whoa, three eggs came out.

I'm a male goose.

Yeah.

Oh, those are testicles.

Oh, no.

Jade.

Go to a doctor now.

Three testicles pop out of a goose.

Is that a riddle?

Yeah.

The inspector's giving a thumbs up.

Two men went out for a drink together in a bar.

One of them looked up.

Yep.

One of them looked up, saw a tall, dark stranger looking like death and drinking soda water and pointed him out to his companion.

Startled and uneasy, the two men left and went to another bar some miles away.

After a few minutes, they looked up and saw the same sad, pale stranger drinking soda water.

Deciding to leave, they went to a third bar, which was empty except for a young couple.

However, within a few minutes, the

cadaverous man appeared and, in a slow, sad voice, ordered a soda water.

Almost out of his mind, one of the men went over to him and said, Who are you and what do you want?

What did the man answer?

And this is a an insane one is your hint did the guy answer and aaron stay with me okay did the guy answer

i'm following you because you called me cadaverous in the parking lot and that's the rudest thing i've ever heard my life so i just wanted to see how you live no that is that would be reasonable but not that's not the answer this time did he just say like who are you and what do you want did he just say like

I'm Bob and I want a soda water.

No.

Okay.

Aaron is, are they?

Is it triplets or something?

Or is this the same man?

No, it's not the same man.

It's not one of the same.

It's not the same man.

Sorry, you're saying it's not the same man each time.

It is the same man.

It is the same man.

Okay.

I was going to say,

is this like a person who has that like face blindness thing where he just assumes that everyone that's not him or not a young couple is a like cadaverous man?

No, not this one.

Not this one.

Is he a historical figure?

Is this Abraham Lincoln?

No.

Is the person going for you?

Okay, I I would be, my feelings would be so hurt if I was Abraham Lincoln right now.

And he's waiting for someone to buy him a shot.

He's like, someone will recognize.

Someone's going to say something.

Brain's out the front of my head.

Buy Lincoln a beard.

You would buy him a beard, but to buy him a shot is something.

Oh, you don't want to have fun with Lincoln?

No, it's totally inappropriate.

It's like buying John Linnon a shot.

Like, you don't want to give him a shot.

I'm buying a funny cross.

I'm buying Lincoln a shot.

I know.

And then I go,

you don't know the irony of this yet because you're still alive.

I think Dinger Moister.

In my mind, this is zombie Lincoln because he's cadaverous.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

If he's not dead yet, then buying him a shot is totally fine.

If he's already been shot in the head, it's a little like odd.

I want him to get loose.

I do want to see a scene.

Yeah.

Let's say that JPC, you are Abraham Lincoln.

Aaron, you are a time traveler who has gone back in time to try and save Lincoln's life.

You've been trying to blend in to not great effect.

And this is the day where you finally approach Lincoln to warn him about his fate.

Oh, where are my spectacles?

I know I put my spectacles.

Right here, Mr.

Lincoln.

Oh,

thank you.

Oh,

you're new here.

I've seen you around.

I'm sorry, I don't know your name.

Betsy.

America.

You know, Lincoln, I've been thinking.

Didn't mean to rhyme, that's sort of fun.

It's Mr.

President.

Mr.

President, four score and seven years ago, you became president of these great United States.

No.

Prog.

I'm nervous.

You seem nervous.

Yes.

You're one of my new

aides, correct?

Yes.

I'm sort of doing a calculation of my brain right now.

If I grab your hat and go back to the future, I would probably be worth a good amount of money, huh?

And then I could live off that.

Or I could keep you alive.

I don't know.

Why would you think that?

um how would you prove it

like someone could like carbon date it or all right well i've got my spectacles so thank you so much no no no um betsy america

i would say

where are the rest of my staff by the staff i killed them um oh boy i would say

all right thinking think think any weapons in the room think think

Don't go to a play.

And we flash forward in time to a classroom.

And so, kids, that's why we celebrate our greatest american witch betsy america now of course betsy america did kill all of lincoln's cabinet what else did betsy america do throughout the years someone else she went back in time to try to kiss jfk that's right she spent three years and 2.8 trillion dollars of the government's budget to kiss jfk now at first people were upset but Given that Betsy America was the only person with time travel permissions,

we all just had to cope with it.

Who else?

Who else has something they know that Betsy America did?

Oh, I know that Betsy America went back in time to the time of Thomas Jefferson and the Louisiana Purchase, and she negotiated herself a 10% finder's fee.

That's right.

So she was like Rockefeller's,

like the Rockefellers and the

rest, Carnegies combined.

Even though the deal would have gone through, she made like $4 million.

That's right.

So she profited off being first witch.

Of course, she also went back in time to try and kiss a Stegosaurus.

She went back in time to try and kiss

anyone and everything imaginable.

Didn't she go back in time to kill baby Hitler in the cradle, but then she changed her mind and just had kind of a lovely day with him that didn't affect the

answer to this riddle?

Oh, yeah, this is the cadaverous man.

Okay, Aaron, is this man dead?

No.

So he just

die the way that this man is not dead.

I'm going to die.

You're going to die.

Everything's fine.

There's absolutely no reason why this man needed to be as sickly as he was.

Like, there's absolutely nothing in this riddle connected to him looking so tall.

Is this a process server?

Is he like one of these people who's like following them to all sorts of papers?

No.

Is he a private eye who's investigating someone who's cheating on their wife?

No, but this is like.

Is this like a bud-like cardboard cutout that's in all of the bars?

No, but you know,

that is

the way that you should be thinking is keep in mind that these guys are really drunk and maybe a little out of it.

Oh,

okay.

Oh, okay.

I didn't even know that they were drunk.

I thought they just kept moving bars.

Is it Halloween and these are all like decorations of Dracula or something?

That's really good.

Not Halloween.

Is this man following these two people?

In a way,

he's connected to them in some way.

I wouldn't call it following.

Oh, he's.

Is he an employee of theirs?

That's the closest.

He's getting paid by them.

He's getting paid by them.

So, yeah, my guess was that he was like a bodyguard or something or like a

driver.

Oh, he's the driver.

Driver.

He said, I'm the taxi driver who's been driving you from bar to bar.

Nice one, Japes.

Wow.

Taxi driver shouldn't go in the bar, right?

Stay in the taxi.

If I see my taxi driver drink it, okay, that's fair.

Yeah, he is drinking soda water, but also,

I guess, yeah, I guess this is an old.

Aaron, can you give me a publication date on this book?

Oh, yeah.

By the way, this book is called Infuriating Lateral Thinking Problems.

Yes.

That's infuriating.

Because here's the thing.

With that riddle.

1997.

97.

In 97, were you telling the taxi driver to like leave the meter running so you could go into a bar and drink?

That's definitely something we're not doing nowadays.

No one's telling the Uber driver to not take another fucking like Uber ride.

That's crazy.

Wasn't 97 the year where Clinton went on Arsenal Hall to play the saxophone and then Betsy America showed up and smacked it out of his mouth.

Well, you know what?

He definitely did that.

We should take a quick break and reflect on all of the things that Betsy America has done for this great country.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk going down this rail the exact same way every time and i feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera and i'm beginning to think it's on purpose adel and aaron make eye contact wink wink wink no

well of course we did build a beautiful website on squarespace yeah we're using squarespace for all your goofs and slips and gags it's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online whether you're just starting out or scaling your business or hitting yourself hard in the junk with a rail Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

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And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys in like your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Huh?

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics, JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word, how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools.

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You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com/slash Riddle for a free trial.

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JPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-y over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

JPC, you know how not too long ago, Aaron was a car.

We don't really need to dwell on it.

Sometimes you're asking yourself weird things like, why didn't they teach us this in school?

I feel that way almost anytime I'm dealing with money.

Amen.

Famously, I'm very bad with money.

Famously, you're very good with money.

That's why I'm giving my kids, aka my cats, a head start on their money skills with Acorns Early.

Now, if I know your cats, they're going to take those acorns, put them outside your door, and then feed them to squirrels so they can watch squirrels going outside of your door.

But children, human children, they're very different.

They have different learning patterns than cats.

We're getting wildly off topic.

Aaron used to be a car.

That's why she's not here.

But that's been resolved at this point.

So we don't have to worry about that.

Mostly been resolved.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

This is something that I am going to be gifting to friends, that I myself hopefully one day will be gifting to a child and again to my cats.

Start with the in-app chores tracker.

Teach your kids or cats the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set up their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

And you could maybe be like, hey, let's set a goal that you save up to buy, I don't know, like a car one day.

Yes, because it is legal to buy a car, yes, even if it is or was a human at some point.

Because if it's now a car, it's fine, and there's no laws against that.

Plus, kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's spending limits and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

I have played around with the Acorns Early app.

So, it's still a little early for my child, but I really love the features.

I really love how simplified it is.

I actually think that it can make learning about money fun and engaging.

And I think that those are very important things.

It's also really important to demystify

the money.

Money isn't something that's

dirty or dangerous or something.

And it's just a tool like anything else that we use to exist in society.

And I think that Acorns Early is a great way to introduce children to that.

Absolutely.

Hey, JPZ.

Do you notice, even though Erin's not a car anymore, that sometimes when she sneezes, it sounds like vroom?

Yeah.

And sometimes when she,

not to be indelicate,

farts, it sounds like

passes gas.

It sounds like honk honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.

Yes.

And then I immediately want to get anyway.

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Aaron's not a car.

Take control of your money.

Ah, Aaron Keith, JPC, have a seat.

Welcome to dinner.

Fun.

Fun.

And this is gratis, right?

I want to say

potatoes

are gratis.

Yes, the potatoes are free, but the meal is exquisite and the finest.

Hey, Aaron, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

This is tempo.

It's all tempo.

Oh, it smells so good.

That's why it smells so good.

Good.

I don't, can I tell you how grateful I am for this?

Yes.

This season, this like back-to-school season, always has a wave of busyness, leaving very little room for me to like cook for myself and make nutritious meals.

So like this means so much.

Oh, Aaron, I agree.

Tempo serves up fast, feel-good, single-serving meals that are are crafted to cook in just three minutes.

A minute for each of us, so you can eat well without sacrificing taste or convenience.

Wait, should the chef- Should the chef be saying?

Because I can hear that.

That sounds like the chef is serving.

With new recipes each week that are made with real ingredients and nutrient-rich, they make it easy to keep up a healthy lifestyle.

Look, I know about Tempo's perfectly portioned lunches and dinners that take the guesswork out of eating well.

They're fully prepared and they can be heated in the microwave in just three minutes.

I just thought this was like a fancy French dinner and potatoes are gratin and all that stuff.

Am I out of line here?

You can make it customized to you, monsieur.

Protein bagged, gallery conscious, carb conscious, and fiber-rich.

Bonjour, bonjour.

Bonjour, bonjour.

Some of my favorite meals.

Bistro-style garlic Dijon chicken with green beans and roasted tomatoes.

Vala.

That sounds good, yeah.

With chef kiss.

Well, I just call it kiss, I guess not chef kiss.

Also, oh, beef barbara rice bowl with poblano cream sauce and corn.

My favorite woman, Barbara Coa.

It's weird to say corn in a French accent.

Current.

Also, don't say my favorite woman, Eric.

My favorite woman.

Look, all I know is that for a limited time, Tempo is offering my listener 60% off your first box.

So go to tempo meals.com/slash riddle.

That's tempo meals.com/slash riddle for 60% off your first box.

TempoMeals.com/slash Riddle, R-I-D-D-L-E.

Rules and restrictions may apply.

Le Bonjou.

Bonjou.

Bonjou.

A bonjou.

Adol, you say.

Say it to him now and goodbye.

Bonjou.

Bonjour.

And my favorite woman is.

No, in the ad.

Jealous much.

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was, and I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting, not my experience with the Emperor.

His clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

Uh, no.

Uh, actually, we don't pay with limbs.

We pay with money, but this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like, super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, touch please touch starting at just 60 that's bonkers 60

yeah 60 their denim is durable and fits right and their real leather jackets bring the clean classic edge without the elevated price tag i have sheets from quince i got a skirt from quince i love quince on the walk over here wearing quince a bunch of photographers were like who is that guy that's clearly like somebody's little brother like nathan nathan levi's uh cousin or something taller younger brother and what makes quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes.

It's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those riding boots in a minute, and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash Riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e dot com/slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle.

Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to walk around.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Mom, yum, yum.

Eats them like a cookie monster.

Hey, we're back with more of Molly's Riddle Book.

A man and his wife went on vacation.

Two months later, the man called the police to report the location of a body near the place where he had been on holiday.

The police thanked the man, then asked why it had taken him two months to report the body.

What was the reason?

Is this like a Santa Claus situation where it was like early November, the guy saw dead Santa, the guy put on the Santa suit, said, I can't let the kids down, fulfilled all the orders, kind of turned into Santa.

And then went to the...

You're reading this verbatim.

Do you have the same book you're writing?

You know what the worst part about this riddle is?

I know we've done this riddle or something so similar on the podcast before, and I just don't remember the answer.

But it's like, it's, I, I have it very clearly in my mind that I, that I like, should know this because I've had to guess it before.

I think we've had something similar within the, like, the first 50 episodes of our podcast.

I vaguely remember something similar to that.

That sounds right.

Cause it sounds so far.

It sounds so far away that I'm like, oh boy.

Is the, is it something to do with like the dead body always looked like it was in a sleeping position?

Like it.

Somebody died like on a beach chair or something, and it just looked like they're getting a tan or something.

He's on a honeymoon, right?

That's

on vacation.

He's on vacation.

Two months later, the man called the police to report the location of a body near the place where he had been on holiday.

Is he on holiday with his wife, or

uh, yeah, him and his wife went on vacation.

That doesn't really matter.

Okay, and it's not his wife's body, right?

No, okay.

So, why would he delay telling for two months?

And is it a human body?

Did you say that?

Yes, it is.

Okay,

Is it something to do with this man had to wait like a two-month period for something else to happen in his life before he

was on

like parole or whatever, and he couldn't, he couldn't.

Keep in mind, this book was written in 1997.

That is helpful.

97.

Okay.

So the man was blind.

He went to us, huh?

Keep going.

He went to Australia with the seeing eye dog.

But

in Australia, they have to quarantine your pets for like two months.

Oh, Aaron, I know what it is.

We have had it before.

He had to get the photos developed.

He didn't know that he saw the body until he got the photos developed.

Very good.

Very good.

I want to see a scene.

Oh, okay.

Adel, you are going to be

developing photos.

And as maybe people don't know, when you were developing photos, the person who developed the photos got to look at all the photos before they were developed.

And Aaron, you are picking up your photos.

And Adel,

it's very obvious to Aaron that you have looked at these photos.

Hi, how can?

Oh.

Hi.

Picking up.

I have a photo pickup for Maureen Embridge, please.

What was the name again?

Maureen E-M-B-E-R-S.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay.

Here you go.

Sorry, were you guys, were you laughing back there at something?

Oh, yeah.

We were just thinking of

just like what Dilbert gets up to.

There's no one else there.

So typically we have doubles, you know, like we...

Are you just laughing about what Dilbert gets up to?

Yeah, because they're an employee in the back that you were laughing about that with?

Yes.

They're on...

They're just

off-screen in movie terms.

So

usually we have duplicates of all the photos, but you might notice that some.

Our duplicate machine has been...

I'm going to...

I'm going to close that.

I'm going to close that and go home.

Are you cool closing alone?

Because you're the last one here.

Huh.

Yeah.

Last one here.

Wink wink.

Sorry, my boss has been a real goo.

Are you the only two people who are here right now?

Yeah, so you were the one laughing with him about Dilbert and what he's been up to?

I came from behind you.

Come on, man.

Huh.

Just like Dilbert, classic Dilbert, always walking up behind somebody at the water cooler.

You're the manager.

Yeah, you're the manager.

And we've spoken before.

And I told you guys it was two strikes with my photos.

And if any of your employees look through my photos again, I'm bringing my business somewhere else.

Embers, Embers, correct?

Yeah, Maureen Embers.

Yeah, Maureen.

Well, we have to look through the photos just to develop them, but I can assure you, Jeff is our best photo guy.

And he...

He took my duplicates.

No, our duplicate machine is broken.

So we have one machine that makes the photos and then one that makes the duplicates, if that makes sense.

It's real technical.

But I've never seen you kissing your own hand to practice.

Never.

That's exactly what's in the photos, sir.

Lucky guess.

And doctor patient confidentiality or whatever.

HIPPA!

HIPAA!

She's lying.

Hippa, hippie.

You went to go see a guy named Dr.

Patient Confidentiality?

What is he, Greek?

Oh, my gosh.

See, this is what I'm saying.

This is an invasion of my privacy.

Yes, I have a big kiss coming up, and I wanted to practice.

You also have a butthole in your neck.

She has a butthole in the middle of her neck.

She took a photo of it.

That's why she stands with her neck to her chest.

How dare you?

Ma'am, you please raise your neck.

Sir.

ma'am, please raise your neck.

No.

Oh my God.

Oh, my God.

If what Jeff says is true,

I have to kick you out of this.

How do I not have a camera for this moment?

I'm getting and I have to give you a lifetime ban if what Jeff says is true.

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

Lift up the camera.

No, show your neck.

Ma'am, show your neck, or everything you've said up to this point makes you a liar.

I'm leaving.

Okay.

I'm leaving.

You're free to go.

But, ma'am, I just have to say, the police are waiting outside.

Wow.

You're under arrest for having

a button.

This man's name is Jeff Hansen.

He is to catch a predator on.

Cop.

Well, he's that I cop.

Oh, whoops.

Jeff Hansen.

Hold on.

You guys, you guys, I'm going to zoom out from the scene and look at it on a table.

Where did we go wrong?

I want to bring in a scene quality control person, and you tell me exactly where we went wrong.

Studying this evening being like, it looks like it was perfectly executed.

It follows every formula.

Oh, boy.

I love Aaron, your character, being so indignant.

And then as soon as they brought up your neck, you're like, I'm just going to go.

I need to go.

This isn't worth it.

I do think that when Aaron was so insistent on going, I was like, well, now we can't let her go.

We have to make her stay.

We simply must.

Next riddle:

In what place would you find Julius Caesar, the biblical Rachel, King David, Palace Athena, the goddess of war, King Charlemagne, Alexander the Great, Queen Elizabeth I of England, and Sir Lancelot all together?

Hello, slash history.

Oh my God.

Okay, Aaron's going to pornhub.com/slash slash history.

Okay.

I'm going to need 40 minutes.

There's a lot of family guy.

Brian Lance, a lot.

Adel's Ed Library.

I think that's a pretty good call.

I like that guess.

That's not what the answer is, though.

I mean, this is tough because this could be a lot of places.

I was thinking encyclopedia.

No.

This is almost like a fact that this is

not almost.

This is a fact that I did not know and i'm finding very interesting can you give us the rundown of these people one more time julius caesar biblical rachel king david palace athena king charlemagne alexander the great queen elizabeth i of england and sir lancelot they're all in

i want to say like a family tree like a genealogy

damn uh is it they're all like

entombed in the same area or given

no celebrated at some sort of okay this is actually i a fascinating fact like i've i'm a hundred sure this has never crossed my desk and I haven't heard it before.

They're all in hospitals in terms of like they've inspired terminology, cesarean.

No,

Caesar.

That's not what that is.

That cannot be what that is.

Is it?

Yeah.

Julius Caesar was

ripped from his mother's womb, but was not given birth to vaginally.

And so it's called a cesarean.

Are these

popularizations of the dish salad?

I believe you said Julius Caesar, Joseph Wedge.

Uh, can I get the Athena Cobb?

Athena Cobb,

um, no,

Rachel from the Bible.

We were on a break, I picture like what these people kind of look like, their likenesses.

They all have um, those, those little thin golden Olympic things.

Oh, yeah, the little

Olympic tiaras, yeah,

but they're like a they're like a backwards quarter crown or like three-quarter crown, right?

Is it that?

No.

Okay.

I think I'm just going to tell you.

They all have statues.

Jewish?

No.

No.

Okay.

Athena, very Jewish.

Oh, there is handsomeness.

Their images are found together in one common place.

Coins?

Nope.

They are found on something which is in common use and has been for many years.

Common use.

They are used in a form of a game.

They've all been outlines for the NBA logo.

That's so funny.

No.

So funny.

I'll tell you what.

I just saw like Rachel from the Bible doing the Michael Jordan outstretched dunk thing

on a pack of playing cards.

The original designs for kings, queens, and jacks are based on these characters.

I would like to see a scene.

That's amazing.

Whoa.

Good idea.

Attil, you're a Vegas dealer, and JPC, you are playing Blackjack, and you are dealt one of the cards, and you think it looks so much like you that you start accusing the dealer of stealing your likeness.

Okay, that's a six.

Hmm.

Six.

Showing a six.

Uh

hit.

Okay, that's a sixteen with the jack clubs.

Where's Denny?

Where is he?

Where's Denny?

16 is tough when the dealer's showing 18, so I know.

Where's my friend Denny?

Where's my buddy?

I'm not sure, sir.

This is...

I see what you're doing here.

Me?

This is a picture of me.

The jack club is a picture of me.

This is a joke deck.

Oh.

This is a real construction.

You know, this is our standard Caesars Palace deck.

This is your standard deck.

We can get you a free drink if you just calm down and stop being weird.

First of all, I'm not being calm.

Agreed.

Second of all, where's Denny?

I know he'd put you up to this.

I know it's a trick deck.

Look at my profile.

Look at my, look at me in profile.

Okay, single loves chocolate.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I leave that out on the table.

Hold on, hold on.

Look at the profile of my face and look at this jack of clubs.

This is me.

This is a picture of me.

Sir, there's a passing, a passing likeness, but I would never say.

So you admit it.

Okay.

Sir, I'm going to bring in my pit boss.

Great.

Mr.

Worldwide, I'd love to see him.

I'd love to meet him.

I know you want me.

I know I want you.

I know you want me.

I know you want you.

I had tickets to your show later.

Sure.

It's nice to see you now.

I had tickets to your show later.

Sure later.

Welcome to Berberly.

All right.

All right.

All right.

If this isn't me on Jack of Clubs, if that's not me on Jack of Clubs, hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me, hit me.

Punch, punch, punch.

Oh, oh, oh, punch.

I'm getting beat up by, oh no, I dropped my goose eggs.

He's going down.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

He's bigger than all the big up.

It was your friend Denny.

I was going to be your friend Denny at the end, pretending to be Pitfull.

But you were Pitbull, and you punched the goose eggs out of me.

Exactly.

JBC, Casey, pull out your bingo cards.

Who had Aaron knowing the Pitbull wrap during Kesha's timber?

That's my center square, actually.

Center square.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

That one?

Yeah.

It's twerking in their brawn thong.

Timber.

Face down, booty up, timber.

That's the way we like to

timber.

Thicker than an oil spill.

I bet you won't, which says you will.

Swing your partner round and round.

End of the night, it's going down.

One more shot, another round.

End of the night, it's going down.

Here's the thing: this, if I'm at home and this song comes on like my Spotify free playlist or something, I'm like, okay, skip.

If I'm at a wedding.

Is it Timber?

If I'm at a wedding, holy shit.

I'm like, yes.

Addle's eyes go completely black.

He's in the middle of the dance floor and he's just swinging.

If you try to skip Timber, if you're like, hey, Siri, skip song, Siri pops off with like, nice drink.

I'm sorry.

Are you trying to skip Timber?

What's wrong?

Do you need me to call someone for you?

You try to skip Timber and the emergency contact thing pops up and it's like, do you want it done a lot?

Sir, did you fall down?

You're skipping Timber.

Do you not want to party?

Did you fall down and the corner of a stair hit your Spotify fast forward or your skip?

No.

Okay.

He's crazy.

This guy's crazy.

Clear.

Also, I don't know the lyrics to anything, but I know the lyrics to that.

So

my brain is uniquely broken.

Tamba.

John was colorblind.

Because of his affliction, he landed an important job.

What was it?

Because of his affliction, he landed an important job?

Traffic light operator.

Nope.

Christmas denier?

Christmas denier.

Very good.

Can't see greener.

Happy holidays.

He went to war on Christmas.

Okay, so he can't.

Colorblind traditionally is red and green, right?

Those are the two that you can't.

And

they, they can't be pilots.

They can't,

right?

You can't be colorblind and be a pilot.

You know, a lot of jobs that are unavailable to you because you're colorblind, but this is a job that he gets specifically because he is colorblind.

I don't see color.

Oh, does he work for the Obama administration

to cure racism?

Yes.

In America.

Legally, I can't see color.

Okay, so it's some some career.

Yeah.

Aaron, can you read it one more time just so I can

thank you.

John was colorblind.

Because of his, because of this affliction, he landed an important job.

What was it?

And this is one of those

weird historical facts.

Oh.

Okay, so this is like a real thing.

What would someone who's colorblind be especially equipped for?

Okay, so is this like a thing where he got like battlefield command because he couldn't see the blood or something on

the uniform or some some shit like that where he's like a general This is kind of

John Adams John Adams

Okay, is this is this a famous John Aaron?

No, okay, so we wouldn't I feel like you guys are have kind of been circling this and is this oh sorry go ahead.

Is this anything to do with what is it called CAPTCHA?

Like the oh, yeah, because sometimes those have like yeah, I would say that I'll I'll accept that.

That's so close.

John was employed by the Air Force during wartime to detect camouflage enemy positions from aerial photographs.

Camouflage is

designed to fool people with normal vision.

People who are colorblind are much better at spotting the differences in texture and shading in a landscape.

All right.

Let's not say that.

Aaron, pretty gross to say normal vision.

Yeah, come kind of visualize.

Oh, please.

Also, Paul Betney is rolling in his bed.

Paul Betney's rolling in his bed.

Damn jealous.

Who's he in there with?

I would love to be in that bed.

Well, he's normal vision, but then there's also, I want to say, Hulkbuster vision.

Hulkbuster vision.

We're going to do one more riddle, and then we're going to do a voicemail, and then we're going to apologize to each other.

Oh, okay.

And Paul Betney?

Yeah.

The people who are colorblind.

A woman was sitting in her hotel room where there was a knock at the door.

She opened the door to see a man whom she had never seen before.

He said, oh, I'm sorry.

I have made a mistake.

I thought this was my room.

He then went off down the corridor to the elevator.

The woman went back to her room and phoned reception and asked them to apprehend the man who she was sure was a thief.

What made her so sure?

Erin,

my dears,

you don't knock

a door.

It's your room.

I'd like to see a scene.

Um, Adel, you are staying in a hotel room, and JPC is going to knock on the door and pretend that that is his room.

Knock, knock, knock.

Uh, babe, did you order room service?

I did not,

And I still need a couple more minutes of space, okay?

Lisa, you can just say no.

I did not.

I did not.

Sounds.

You're not.

This isn't a deposition.

I'm sorry.

We're in a fight.

Knocked that duck.

You always talk like legalese.

Did you do?

I did not.

Just say no.

Well, I'm sorry.

I don't really want to be warm and casual with you right now.

We're in a huge fight.

Huge fight.

Knock that duck?

Just a minute.

It's probably the guy at the reception.

I feel like he recognized me.

Hello.

Oh, uh.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Are you...

Oh, this is my room.

Are you cleaning the room?

Or why?

No.

No, I'm in my boxers and a Zeppelin t-shirt.

I can tell.

Yeah, this is.

What's going on?

I'm 378.

This is 378.

This is 378, but I...

I think...

This is sort of like...

Do you ever see?

Cece, are you in there?

Who you asked for?

Hi.

Okay.

What the fuck is my wife doing in that room with you, man?

Wait, why'd you say hi instead of like, yes, speaking, this is her?

Well, we're not in a fight.

Lisi, what the hell is going on?

Who is this guy?

He is

my friend from work.

What?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I thought the worst for a second.

Holy shit.

No, no, I'm not living a double life.

Whew, okay.

Hey, sorry, man.

Well, you must have spilled something on your clothes or something and had to take them off.

I got the takeout.

Oh, I spilled.

I don't want to say that.

Thanks, honey.

I'll grab the takeout.

Okay.

Sorry, man.

I didn't catch your name.

Are you joining us for dinner?

Oh, we have work stuff to do, honey.

So if you want to come back later.

Who are you calling, honey?

Me, I hope.

What's why would she be calling you honey, man?

You're from work.

Why are you wearing a wedding ring that matches my wedding ring?

This is a yellow-gold wedding ring.

Seems like a pretty

yellow gold.

Shutting the door.

Oh, you're going to the bathroom to eat?

Interesting.

Okay, well, she's going to the bathroom to eat.

She does that sometimes, you must know from work.

On the count of three, let's say how we both know Lisa.

Hey, real quick.

Yeah.

It was kind of contentious in here when I came in.

Did you guys have like a work fight or something?

We had a big fight about

what was it about?

About Led Zeppelin.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about with Lisa about Led Zeppelin.

She says Houses of the Holy.

Well, no.

Well, Lisa knows Led Zeppelin pretty well, so it seems to me you're probably.

She doesn't.

Physical Graffiti is their

third best album, and she says it's Houses of Holy.

I think you should probably apologize.

You know, I mean, that's.

Do you apologize to Lisa when you're in a fight?

All the time.

Fuck.

Yeah.

It's kind of what makes me such a good partner.

Lisa is scaling down the side of the building.

She went out the bathroom window.

And wait a minute.

I'm 6'5 ⁇ , and you're 5'6 ⁇ .

I have a big bushy beard.

You have

ten older sisters.

See,

all right, we're gonna do a quick voicemail theme and then voicemail.

Oh, yeah, Casey, hit us with that voicemail theme.

What that was sick.

That's though.

That was.

Gabriel, Gabriel sent that in and said it's a loose cover of a song called Death's Dynamic Shroud,

which I've never heard.

Shroud's sort of a loose cover.

Shroud is the loose cover.

Thank you.

Hey, if you want to submit a voicemail theme, go ahead and make it 30 seconds or less.

A WAV file is preferable and send it to hrrpodcast.com.

Nope, hrrpodcast at gmail.com.

That's the email address, not like a fake website or whatever.

But thank you for that.

Gabriel Casey, can you play us a voicemail?

Hey, my name is Jamie Stanton, and I'm looking for a new middle name.

Currently, it's Elliot, and before that, I tried out gray.

I'm non-binary, so I'm trying to find something that's gender-neutral.

So, let me know what you think.

I will be legally obligated to have this name, so it's a big responsibility.

Thank you so much.

Bai.

Oh,

okay.

Anytime I hear Elliot, I just think, Elliot.

Well, look, I'll say this right off the bat since we were talking about it earlier.

Your name is Jamie Stanton.

You're looking for a middle name.

You go with Christ.

Suddenly, you're JCS.

You know what I'm saying?

Whoa.

Jamie Stanton,

superstar.

One for one.

It's a one for one.

That's a one for one.

I think since it's a middle name, you can do something hilarious.

Yeah.

Okay, Erin, go ahead and say what that is.

Say one hilarious thing.

Did they say their name, their middle name used to be Gray?

Gray and Elliot.

What about Help Me?

What about Einstein?

What about

Monster?

Betsy America.

What was her name?

Betsy America.

I think Ribbet is a cool middle name because it's a frog mix.

Yeah.

Bonk.

What about Moo?

Bonk.

Bonk.

Zoink.

Zoink.

Zip, Zap, Zop.

What else?

You know what?

What I try to do is I would try to tailor a middle name to the name that you have.

So you have Jamie Stanton, and you want something that kind of flows in, you know, like I said.

What about Willow?

Willow.

I like that.

That sounds like Jamie Willow Stanton sounds like a profound author.

Or like a

like famous assassin.

Yeah.

So you have options of what your career is.

And you could go by J-Dub.

Of course, the dub for W.

I think also they said they're non-binary.

I think Willow is a perfectly acceptable non-binary name as well.

I think we nailed it.

It's Willow.

It's Willow.

It's also a tree.

Oh, that's better.

Name yourself tree.

Tree.

Cut all the names.

Cut JB, cut, stand.

Just go by tree.

My name's Tree.

Prince Madonna.

Tree.

Tree.

But not spelled how you think.

If you want to send us a voicemail, it's 805-RIDDLE1.

Make it 30 seconds or less, guys.

We've gotten a lot of like 45-second, one-minute-long voicemails.

They're never getting on the show.

30 seconds or less.

Use a timer.

Adel, anything to plug?

I want to plug a couple things.

I want to plug our new podcast with Anthony Birch from Dungeons and Daddies.

It is called Gum Shoes and Dragons.

It's been an absolute blast to work on.

Our first episode with Bren Lee Mulligan is out.

No, all three episodes.

All three episodes are out now.

Check those out.

I'm very, very excited for that show.

Also, Hello from the Magic Tavern is on tour, so you can see what dates are coming up and buy tickets for that.

And Hey Riddle Riddle will soon be on the third leg of our tour.

So please buy tickets and see where we're coming as well.

Aaron, anything to plug or promote?

If you want to follow Quality Time on Instagram, it's my monthly variety show I host here in Los Angeles and would love to see you if you could make it.

GPC, any review to read or anything to plug?

I, again, I just want to plug the Hey Riddle Riddle tour.

We're coming back.

The next leg of it is going to be Atlanta, Nashville, and Denver.

And the first Nashville show is sold out, but we still have tickets to the second Nashville show.

And Atlanta and Denver are also getting kind of close.

It's kind of the last

of it is getting hairy.

And then in the fall, we already sold out Boston.

So apologies if you didn't get your Boston tickets.

Maybe there will be some people who can't go or whatever releasing tickets.

So check like Reddit and Discord and stuff like that.

But

excited for those fall dates as well.

You know how we've been doing on the last year of touring?

Whoever's hosting kind of has everybody else wear costumes that are fitting for the city.

I'm hosting the first night in Nashville or the first show in Nashville, I should say.

And I thought about making us all wear chicken onesies with lingerie on top so it's hot chicken.

Is that fun?

100%.

I already wear that most nights.

And Aaron, I apologize that I say that you wear chicken lingerie just because

you wouldn't tell me who your big crush was while you were wearing a lingerie.

And Aaron, you say that your chicken lingerie, and these are your words, Aaron.

I'm not saying they're my words.

You say your chicken lingerie is finger fucking good, right?

That's exactly what I said.

I'll

take credit for that.

Those are not my words.

All right, Jupiter, everybody.

Have fun with that.

See you next week.

Created by Adel Rafai.

Starring Aaron Keenan.

And John Patrick Cohen.

Casey Tony did the editing.

Marie Parrots in the music.

I'm Colonel Sandals and I say it's finger fucking good.

That lingerie is finger fucking good.

That lingerie is...

Come on down to KFC Lingerie.

Our lingerie is finger fucking good.

Finger fucking good.

Hey there, Sasses and Squatches.

If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon.

We go on a cryptid hunt.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hey riddle murdle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a head gum podcast.