Patreon Preview #340: The Cryptid Hunters

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Hey, everybody.

This is Chris Donkey Fornia Crumbs coming to you from the Everglades.

I'm here with the team, and we are, of course, on another one of our famous Cryptid hunts.

Guys, get in here, introduce yourselves.

What's up?

I'm Nova Kane.

I'm sort of the young gun around here.

Obviously, my dad,

famous in this field, just trying to follow in his footsteps.

Yeah, and it's Chiboy Tusk Rutger.

I'm sort of the grizzled vet,

former military, and that I guess I was disgraced military.

I was in the National Guard for one day.

I got kicked out for taking pictures

during the video they played us.

But

sleeveless shirt.

Specifically for using Flash, right?

Because it was videos were allowed, but you just couldn't use Flash.

Vids and pics were allowed.

No Flash.

I felt like the lighting wasn't great.

I used Flash, and

I was dishonorably discharged.

Still got a purple heart.

I'm wearing a vest, and I have a ton of tattoos.

The doctor said you had a purple heart condition.

Okay, you got me.

I have a purple heart condition.

It's not a metal.

It is a hindrance.

I have, they said,

years to live, which is not great.

That's how my dad died at the young age of 87.

Tusk, it's always good to have you here, brother.

Nova, always good to bring you along.

And me, Donkey Fornia, the one who put it all together.

And we are here in the Everglades, hunting another cryptid for all of you out there in cryptid land.

That's right, we are here chasing down the legendary BBL.

Of course, the big bug lizard, but you know, for those that know, they know.

We call it the BBL.

We call it the BBL, and it's one of the more evasive cryptids you can find.

The Everglades

are

a wonderful condition to hide in.

You have marshy, swampy waters, you have tall grass.

There's so many nooks and crannies.

Hot, wet, above the water, under the water.

Obviously, this is

personal for me.

My dad, citizen Kane, died trying to find the BBL, sort of his life's work.

Hey, Nova.

He didn't die trying to find the BBL.

That's how he lived.

Wow.

Thank you.

That makes sense.

But didn't he die looking for it?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Well, didn't he die looking for it?

Yeah, I guess technically, yeah, but I think he was trying to.

It's fine.

What I was trying to do is frame it.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So, like, yeah.

But no, he, yeah, he did.

His last word was rosebud, which

he scrawled on a leaf.

Yeah, do you think that that's relevant?

We're going to keep that in mind when we're looking for the BBL.

He sort of left behind some clues.

And the last thing he said to me.

He's because his name was Citizen Kane.

Yeah, Yeah, probably just a tip of the hat to the movie.

Yeah, I don't know.

The last thing he said to me was, I think I'm going to find it today.

I'm getting close.

If I die,

someone stopped me from finding it.

So.

Wait, he said, if I die, someone stopped me from finding it.

Somebody stopped me out of the mask.

He said it like Jim Carrey, the mask, but...

Somebody stop me.

Like that?

Yeah, he said it just like that.

Suspicious.

Well, I mean, we're out here taking our life into our own hands, but we are trained, seasoned professionals.

The BBL, it's venomous, it's also poisonous, so it injects venom.

And if you bite into it, there's poison in there.

Two different things.

So it's two different things.

It's like magma and lava.

It's one of the most, and it's got magma and lava as well, I think.

It's one of the most dangerous apex predators in all of cryptozoology.

Yeah, we know more about aliens than we do the BBL.

It's crazy that as a species, humans, we know more about the humble alien than we do the BBL, which lives here on our planet in the Everglades.

And ever since we found that humble alien

at the crash site, I feel like, what a sweetheart.

Oh my God, he was so sweet.

He was like, oh my God, no, my ship's not even that impressive.

You guys, though, like the stuff you've, the art you've made on Earth, like that was so sweet.

We were like, we found an alien and he was all, who me?

Yeah.

He did sort of like the Shirley Temple, like, who me, little old me.

He cleaned up the whole crash site.

He cleaned up the whole crash site and he goes, I don't want to be a problem.

And he also, he brought, um, he brought a veggie tray.

from his home planet because he was like, I never come to another planet empty-handed.

That's just rude.

So I feel like the humboy alien, we thought about trying to catch him, but technically not a cryptid.

Also just a sweetheart.

So we're not going to trouble him.

Yeah, a total sweetheart, capable of speech.

And Donkey, can you talk a little bit about...

It's Donkey Fornia.

Sorry, yeah, just

use my whole cryptozoology name, like, because

it's just for branding.

For branding.

Sort of like a fun nickname.

What if I call you Donk?

Well, it's Donkey Fornia.

That's like calling Cryptid Hunters constantly.

Yeah, it's the place I was conceived plus the first animal that bit me.

It's like important for like.

All right, well, we're shooting this on film, and we'll have to keep this in.

So what ratio?

What race am I?

70?

What?

Donkey Fornia, can you talk a little bit about the history of the BBL?

Like, obviously, people for hundreds of years have claimed sightings and stuff, but like,

tell us a little bit about the background.

The BBL goes back into the 15th century, when, I want to say,

Magellan or possibly Cortez was in this part of the world searching for something called the fountain of youth.

You see,

holy shit, that was cool.

Keep, yeah, do that.

Definitely keep doing that.

Locals had long held a legend that there was something in these swamps that gives eternal life, but it was protected by a creature that could bring eternal death.

Eternal death.

Now,

yeah, it's just regular death.

Yeah, all death is eternal.

Yeah, all death is.

But anyway,

the creature was very, very deadly.

Now, the BBL is, of course, a big bug lizard.

Now I know what you're thinking.

How can a lizard be a bug?

And how can a bug be big?

Donk, how can a lizard be a bug?

A lizard can be a bug if it's both.

This thing has arms.

This thing has wings.

It has exoskeleton, intro skeleton, both.

Indochinos.

This thing has.

It drinks topochico.

Topochico.

This thing's got almost everything.

Antennae,

pincers,

cold blood.

A girlfriend.

We assume, unless this thing is eternal, because there's no proof that it's reproducing, it could be the only one that actually exists out here in this swamp.

The last of its kind.

And that's pretty common in our field.

We don't have a family of Bigfoot, Big Feet, if you will.

We have one Bigfoot.

We don't have a family of Loch Ness monsters.

We have a Loch Ness monster.

Yeah.

We thought there was,

you know, a bevy of chupacabras, but it was just one chupacabro.

People ask, how could this be?

Are these creatures, you know, unkillable?

Do they live forever?

That may be the case.

The guess is, it's anyone's guess.

There's research, of course, in the field.

The theory that most cryptozoologists work with is that these creatures have super traditional family structures, and that the wife most often stays home, where the male would go out and, you know, forage and gather.

So we'll never see like a female chupacabra because

they're at home.

Well, unless you watch Sex in the City, in which case you'll see four.

That's what HBO isn't telling you.

Yeah.

Four women are chupacabras.

Think back.

Remember every time Carrie was eating?

That was a goat.

Now, chupacabras are goat suckers, and I know one of them that was definitely a goat sucker.

Samantha.

Samantha was the goat of suckers.

Of suckers.

Of suckers.

Could have taught a class on it.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

One, two, three, four, hate Ridgel Riddles Clue Crew.

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