#375: You're My Taco R2D2

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Aaron, you're going to really like the ads that Adel and I recorded. Adel, is he being sarcastic? No, I think you are.

Sorry, I think you car are really going to like it.

Aaron, you kissed a car and turned into a car. Yeah.
Yeah. Kind of a wear car.
That everyone giggling at an inside joke sent me right back in time to childhood. Not only an inside joke, but a car pun.

You are.

He stood on a block of ice.

Both of them were goldfish.

It was the

All right, all right, all right, Aaron. Let me get this straight one more time.
We'll go back to the story one more time because I swear to God I was listening, but it just doesn't make sense.

You were mouthing mouthing off to a witch and she did what to your throat she

okay i'll start from the very very beginning thank god okay

the big bang i think i went a little too far hold on

i was born on a full moon in boston massachusetts hold on i'm nervous now big bang yeah

Unless we're talking about Aaron's conception, because then it's only nine months away. Not 10, really.
You know it takes 10 months anyway. Do you know what it takes elephants two years?

To fall in love? Yes, but also to incubate an elephant baby. Erin? Incubate? I did know that, and I learned it from you.
Oh, perfect. Okay.

So

I was mouthing off to a witch and I went, I bet you'd be pretty pissed if I changed the consonant, the first consonant of witch, to a different consonant. No.

The C word? Mm-hmm.

And then she punched me in the throat.

Arid. Yeah.
Arid to punches. I know.
Yeah. Highly unused.
I know. It wasn't even like a curse or a spell or.

They're quick to anger.

I feel like I've seen it. I feel like a lot of witches.
Sea witches.

How do I want to phrase this? Do you know like Paul Greengrass? You know, like the Born trilogy? Yeah.

A lot of witches have been really into

Born Identity, Born Ultimatum, et cetera, et cetera. So there's a lot more emphasis.
Witches are putting a premium on hand-to-hand combat.

Right. No more spells.
No more cauldrons. We're jumping off of buildings.
It's parkour. We're doing somersaults.

Because they understood that they needed to be more cinematic in what they do and how they do it. A witch who knows judo is a witch you don't want to cross.
That is a great idea for a movie franchise.

Witches that are not using any of their... typical powers.
They're just trading state secrets. They're on airplanes.

Is a witch

you don't put across?

Recently, I don't know where I saw it, but I saw a series of GIFs of the

most improbable ways to move out, like move away from things that have been like filmed or animated. And if you haven't watched these,

they're very,

it was based off the new Superman movie, which I know that everyone has seen.

There's that, the woman in Superman who can, well, I don't know everyone has seen it. I know that you two have seen it.

But there's a bad guy in Superman who can like morph her body because her body is like microorganisms, you remember, or micro nanotechnology.

The woman who does a backflip into a handstand only to put her head where her legs just were. Yes, she does a backflip into a handstand.

Jesus, I have no idea what you were talking about because I was being beat up by my chair while I was watching Superman. Need I remind you? It's my chair was throwing punches at me.

It's a move that this woman does in Superman where she does a backflip into a handstand and then her legs and arms switch and she like, it could be easily accomplished by turning around and pivoting 90 degrees.

Like that's that. But the whole thing is, if you could do that, if you could do a backflip into a handstand and then turn around and like be walking, you would do that.

You would never turn around in your entire life. There's no reason to.
If I saw cameras, I would do that. But if I'm going to kill someone, I'm not wasting my time doing that.

You're not doing it with a little flare.

It's their last few moments of life. Give them a show.
I guess in context of that, especially if you're killing a robot, because it's like, what does the robot care?

But if it's a robot, probably camera, right? You got to assume that those guys are recording, so someone's going to see it. Yeah, that could go viral.

They all have a black box inside of them. Yeah.

That's awesome. Well, this robot's dead.
Time to crack it open and figure out.

Oh, but

let's not actually watch the footage. Just in case anyone took this robot on a date, hypothetically.
Oh, let's maybe destroy the black box.

Lobster biscuit?

One of those little food delivery robots that were scooted around LA on a date, correct? Yes, I did.

And I paid for a violinist to play his favorite song.

I once kissed a robot at the French laundry. You know who hates those robots? Lou.

Who's like, one of these motherfuckers? Again, she is 100% sure that there's a soul in there, and she screams every time she sees one. Oh, man.
Yeah, I think everybody hates those little robots.

I think that if I ordered something for delivery and it came on a little robot, I'd be like, God damn it.

No, they make me feel sad. I've, I, they've, they've delivered a couple of my orders before, and I just am like, I'm worried about them.
I'm like, this is sad. This is not good.
This is not good.

It's like if

we made a thousand R2D2s, and then we're like, you'll just kind of

like deliver like penny saver newspapers. Yeah.
Yeah. You're going to be my taco R2D2.
Yeah.

No, no, no, no. You don't get to fly a spaceship.
You bring me a taco when I'm hungry. You're my taco, R2D2.

R2-D2.

Forget flying spaceships. You're going to bring me Taco Bell at 2 a.m.
when I'm drunk and high. It's like training an alien monkey to like pop your blackheads.

What are

menial tasks for such a... intelligent creature.
Honestly, though, silly, silly, silly. If we found alien monkeys, that's exactly what we would do with them.

We would be like, we don't know about their culture, culture, but their hands are really tidy for popping blackheads. Suddenly, you turn on TV and it's just Dr.
Alien Monkey Pimple Popper.

Number one rated show. CBS.

This fall.

JPC, what were you saying about the new Superman?

Oh, it was that. It was just that I was watching a series of GIFs of people doing improbable or like excessive

moves that could be easily done by just like moving out of the way or pivoting very briefly. And those were a lot of fun to watch.
So that's all. I don't have anything about Superman.
Fuck Superman.

I feel like Neo could have jumped over those bullets, right? Oh, yeah. Instead of that

bendy thing, he could have jumped or sidestepped. What about this? What about just hit the ground completely? You know what I'm saying?

Is it that much easier to get up from like your back being broken in half than it would be to just like kip up from the ground? Yeah, do a forward roll.

I started the Way of Kings last night. Aaron.
I know I'm super early to that party.

Aaron, the good news is you have, I want to say, 300 Sanderson books to catch up on.

And it is just a lot of people. You must really have COVID if you're cracking into the way of kings.

Zorp is reading them aloud to me

because I love to be read to. They have a professional.

Wait, what?

Yeah. And he's actually, I've heard he's really good.
I've never listened to them. No, that's not true.
I listened to a part of one in Tim Lyons' car when we were driving

to L.A. or back from L.A.
or whatever I did, wherever I was driving. Was it a good narrator? I think the narrator is good.
I'm fascinated by the people who are like

good narrators for audiobooks.

I have heard that recording audiobooks from people who don't do it professionally, but have like recorded their own audiobook is brutal.

Like, because sometimes we record three episodes in a row and it's a lot of talking into a microphone, but I think that they're there for like like 50 hours, like just especially those big fantasy books that are like 50-hour books, you know.

And you know that they do like 10 takes on pronouncing a word where they're like Kaladin, Kaladin, Kaladin. Like they have to get notes on all that.

When I did the Joco Cruise with Mark Gagliardi, he does a lot of audio books.

And when he records them, he has like a little clicker thing every time he makes a mistake so he can go back through and edit out all of his mistakes. That's cool.
Should we be doing that?

No, there are no mistakes. Click in case I cut this part out.

Aaron's hypothetical out.

All right, Aaron. I am actually a little concerned that you have it clicky pin that near your desk.

That needs to go the way of kings, if you know what I'm saying.

Okay. Let's do a new segment where we each take turns reading

from a book as a celebrity narrator. Okay.

The color purple?

Now, who's that? And what book are you dealing with? Wow,

what a color purple.

Oh, he's so excited about just the title page.

Yeah, he gets

the title page, and then he just does like five minutes on how excited he is for the title. You're listening to the audiobook like this.
This can't possibly be what the book is.

You're constantly jumping out of your seat. I can't think of a single celebrity impression to do.
Adel You go. Okay.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

That was good. Jason Momoa.
Jason Momoa. Classic stuff.

I can't think of an impression to do. Aaron, right now, because of your sort of head cold or whatever's going on, you sort of sound like Kathleen Turner.
Oh, yeah. So maybe like a Jessica Rabbit like.

Jacob Marley was dead to begin with.

You nailed it.

I think I told my Kathleen Turner story. on here, but when I was in college, my school was attached to like the repertory theater of St.
Louis.

And when you're in a theater conservatory, you get assigned stage crews for things. And sometimes they would be like the school's productions, and sometimes they'd be the repertory theater of St.

Louis productions. And I was cursed my freshman year with what had to have been the worst crews ever.
Like it was way more of a commitment than anyone else's. It was way more physical labor.

And first semester, freshman year, I me and this boy named Jimmy Betts were the like performance majors assigned to building the three penny opera sets.

And this was a huge set made entirely of wood with like a ton of ladders and it was crazy. And Kathleen Turner was doing a show at the Repertory Theater of St.

Louis and she would walk by us building sets and be like, and what production is this for?

Three Penny Opera. Okay.
This is taking you a long time to build.

And she would just chat with us about it. And I'd be like, what are we doing, Kathleen Turner? That's amazing.
And then my other stage crew that year, and I'm just so, I'm still so mad about it.

I did that for like six weeks. First semester of freshman year, a nightmare.
One Saturday, they had us come in at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and stayed till 4 p.m.

And they gave us like the measurements for a ladder and we couldn't figure it out. And at 4 p.m., the guy who was in charge of us came in and went, oh, sorry, these measurements don't make any sense.

And Jimmy Betts threw a hammer at the wall.

And then second semester, I was put on Macbeth stage crew, which that show's so fucking long. And then I had to miss a bunch of classes because I was costumes for that.

And part of my job was washing blood off of kids' clothes at the end of every show. It was the dead of winter in St.
Louis, and I had to watch blood off of children's clothes.

All my chicks in one fell swoop. For free.

I think after Macduff's kids are killed, I think he says, all my chicks in one fell swoop. Yeah.
Which is just.

And then I'm the one. And then it was also like the whole production is like 30 sweaty men, and I'm spraying vodka in their coats because they smell horrible.

Men smell horrible after they're in a production of Bicbeth. Did everyone know this? I'm pissed.
Elephants have a two-year gestation period, and men smell horrible after a performance of Bacbeth.

The two Aaron facts I've learned today. Yes.
Sorry, guys. I just had to go off.
I'm still a little bit hurt about that. You got it.

Aaron, I have to assume that Jimmy Betts now works for some Kansas City mafia organization.

Probably. No, he's great.
I saw him at my college reunion. They call him the wall hammer.

We were all like, we were telling our war stories and everyone's like drunk stories. And I went, remember when Jimmy threw up on those baby rabbits? And he was like, what?

And I was like, no, remember, Jimmy? Like, we were at a party. We were at a house party.
And right by the garage, we found a nest of baby rabbits.

And then later, we were all in the kitchen and we looked outside and you were throwing up on them.

Jeez. And he was like, no.

Oh, we kept that from you. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry. We did it.
We kept it 15 years secret because we knew you'd feel bad.

Wait, but he didn't know. He was just throwing up at us in bushes or whatever.
Yeah, he thought he was just throwing up on the side of a building. He had no idea who was throwing up on baby rabbits.

And we, I think, at the time, decided to not tell him. Yeah.

But then I spilled the beans while we were grown-ups. Sounds like so did Jimmy Betts.
Yeah.

That's the problem with nature is you never know whose property you're sort of doing something on, like what animal's sort of domain.

Yeah,

I'm walking on an ant condo right now. It's got to be a deer's kitchen that I'm shitting in.

You don't know. I'm shitting outside a lot.

Aaron, where do you shit? I don't know. Exactly.
I'm trying to find out. I'm really nervous.
The deer's like, use the deer bathroom.

It's two feet from the deer kitchen. What are you doing? It's like a full bathroom with running water.

Okay,

here's a riddle. This is another riddle from Elvis.
I think we did like a set of riddles from Elvis, and this is the last one.

So we're just, we'll just, we'll ease you into the episode by doing this riddle from Elvis.

I have a hundred legs, but cannot stand. A long neck, but no head.
I eat the maid's life. What am I?

A broom? It's a broom.

I tried to think of like what would make a maid sad. Like she has to keep doing it.
It makes her sad and I'm like sweeping, I guess.

What would make a maid sad? Well, you know what, though? What if the maid loves it? It's like, what if they got into mating because they love sweeping so much?

They're like, if you don't know if that's anyone's favorite chore, do you have a least favorite and favorite chore? I love vacuuming, vacuuming is very satisfying. I'd say my least favorite is

litter, like the cat litter, dealing with all that just because it smells so bad. I do have a least favorite chore, and my least favorite chore is

cleaning the stove, like cleaning all like the burned-on food, or like if water spills over from a pot, cleaning the stove.

Because I will clean my entire kitchen, I'll clean all the dishes, I'll clean all the counters, and then I'll be like, Hey, Mariah, would you clean the stove?

And she always does, she's always like, Yes, I will clean the stove, which is how you know. That's so nice.
True love. She will do my least favorite chore, and I will do all the rest of the chores.

So that works out.

Yeah, it's an even trade. Aaron, what about you?

I like any chore that involves like heat. So I like folding laundry and washing dishes.

I don't like taking out the trash. Are you someone who, when you take like towels out of a dryer, you like hold them up to your face and squeeze? Oh, yeah.
I will cocoon.

Lou and I will sometimes do a towel, a cocoon, and I'll put them all on the bed and her and I will sort of cuddle puddle in them. Okay.
Don't use a towel that Aaron.

That sounds like a dog scrambling over it.

Interesting.

Aaron, that presupposes, is there a way that we could get you into doing the trash if we made the trash hot? Yeah, if you set the trash on fire. Hot garbage.

And it felt like that, honestly, that sounds awesome. What about a device? You know how people have like their trash cans like in their cabinets?

Like my trash can is like sitting down, it has a lid, but you can have like a trash can like inside of a cabinet.

What if we had that, but we built like a trash warmer that doesn't make it like hot, but it would, you know, heat it up to like, I don't know, 90, 95 degrees or something like that.

I love it. Honestly, like oven hot.
If you can make my broom broom handle hot,

I'm in. If you can make my vacuum handle hot, I'm in.

I love making a, that's my best sleepover prank is the hot broom handle. That's my best witch's pickup line.
You can make my broom handle hot. I do want to see it soon.
Okay.

Aaron, you're sort of a Mary Poppins type. Love.

JPC, you and I are the kids that Aaron is nannying for. But Aaron, this Mary Poppins type just can't be bothered.
Like, you don't really like doing any of your delegated tasks.

For every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.

I would like an old-fashioned please. If you want to Google how to make that.
What's wrong with your voice? Are you okay? Are you sick? What do you mean what's wrong with my voice?

I sang all day yesterday. Oh, we sang all day.
If you're sick, you shouldn't be taking care of children.

Okay, um, thank you for the feedback, but you're sick all the time when I, and I have to be here. So we're not at work.
You're at work. Yeah, you're at work.
We're kids.

Yeah, I would like to take a load off, please. Can you make me a drink? Mrs.
Puppers,

should I use the same glass that I've been using for your old-fashioned or get a new one? You've been using the same glass?

Yeah.

Clean it.

Yes, yes, Mrs. Puppers.

But you haven't taken

me. I'm going to sing a song about fluffing my pillows.

What? What?

What? What about.

Why aren't we fluffing your pillows? Shouldn't

we be doing chores like making our beds or like cleaning up our room?

Yeah, you can do that when we're done with my stuff.

All right.

I'm still

filling out my tax return.

Okay, here's your old-fashioned.

Thank you. Are you

have any dependents? Do you have any dependents? No.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you have, how many 1099 miscellaneouses do you have? Do you have anything? When you don't know what to do, pick up my dry cleaning. Do it right now.
I forgot I had to get it.

Why aren't you singing? It's so far away. Can we use the car? No.

What?

You're a child.

Okay, I just walk. Mrs.
Puppers. What? We haven't seen our parents in quite some time.

I know that. Are they okay? Are they coming back? I don't know.
No.

Fix me up something that is sweet, and then I'm going to want something that is salty. What? Why are you both just standing and staring at me? Dessert then

savory. It's just a confusing way to eat.
And plus,

you said make a casserole like 10 minutes ago, and I've barely gotten started on that. And casserolles take hours to make.
Okay. Takes out umbrella, starts walking towards the door, takes my bag.

You know what? I'm going to go help other kids. Oh, thank god she's leaving off.

Your parents are definitely dead. They're going to probably come and try to take the house within the next couple days.
Good luck to you.

Good luck to you.

Opens umbrella.

Starts to lift up, absolutely falls, crumbles.

Goes into the sewer grate.

Oh, no.

Just kick her down. Just kick her down with your feet.
Kick her down there. Kick her down.

All right. Let's get those taxes done.

See?

And that is the origin for the clown it.

And you didn't even care, did you? You didn't magical. You didn't care, did you? You guys, you're not going to believe this? No, I won't.
But having COVID makes your brain move slow. What?

I can't think of shit about shit right now. I can't think of anything if you were to ask me about anything i wouldn't know what

you made that brilliant connection between uh mrs puppers and it the clown i don't remember doing that

ever those of you who email the show and say the clown's name isn't it the clown the clown has a name we know the clown's name is it the clown you're wrong

yeah look it up yeah look it up dumbass and the boy's name is zelda

that's zelda his name is zelda all right we have another riddle This one's from Colin Wilson.

Colin said, you can read my full name only if you do it sarcastically. I think I probably nailed it, right? Oh, yeah.

Here's the first riddle from Colin Wilson.

I don't always have wings, but as I get bigger, I typically sport more and more. My feet are buried in the ground.
My head is protected from weather.

I don't fear people, but insects are a frequent concern. Who am I? A house, a building.

Aaron, you got it.

Nail on the head. One out of one.
It is a house. A house.
Okay, fantastic. I'd like to see a scene.
Okay. JPC, you are a house.
Adult, you are the house's first tenant after moving in.

And JPC, you don't know how you feel about someone living inside you. Great.

Oh, a little... Musty and dusty in here.
Okay, let's see. Put the boxes down here.
And

okay.

I'll start hanging up some pictures. Just get a little nail in the wall.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, wow.

Hello? Hey, wow. Okay, we're ready for the ready for the hammer out of the walls, huh?

Are you a ghost? I'm the house. Yeah, no, I'm not a ghost.
I am the house.

Sorry. Is that nail like your butthole or something? Like, where I put that nail is like your butthole.
Is that nail? Just the way you screamed sounded like you got your, like you got goosed.

Oh, so if I drove a nail like

into your arm or whatever you'd have no reaction it's butthole only that's the only place that

hey this is all new to me man okay i've just tried

a house before you've always been a renter

yeah yeah well this is homeownership when we someone you know purchases us it's kind of like a genie thing like we talk to the person who

i feel like people should be talking about this more shoes on huh You're like a shoes on in the house type of guy. Yeah, it's my, I mean, I'm going to replace the carpet.

Unless that's like the kids or something, huh?

Oh, okay. I get the confusion.
My whole thing is not like a one-to-one with like a human body thing. I've never been a human.
I'm not a human. I am a house.
So, like, the carpet is the carpet.

Okay, so fireplace isn't your penis. Stop guessing.

Stop guessing.

Why would the fireplace be? Why would the fireplace be the penis? I'm still in shock, okay? The chimney would be the penis. This is all

new to me.

Jesus. Okay.
Where is your penis? Just so I know not to touch it. Jimmy.
Okay. Ding-dong.

Ding-dong. Is that you doing that? Is that like your clit? Is that my...

Hello? Hi, neighbor. Just bringing over a welcome to the neighborhood pie.

Sorry to ring your doorbell so many times.

Yeah, it's rude to, I mean, I'd say wait. 10 seconds for someone to move around the house.
Sorry, I was just getting so anxious. Just because people don't stand by the fucking door, but I'm Mark.

Hi, Mark. Does your house talk to you? Oh, yeah, big time.
That's how I know that my house likes the doorbell ring. Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Oh, this is like good for that. Oh, wait.
Do you hear that? Can you hear my house, or is it only if you own the house, you hear it? All right, Mark. So nice meeting you.

Let me know if you need anything.

Gummy worm pie. Hey, Mark, she rang the doorbell a couple times too many.
Could you grab a mop and head up to the chimney? Oh, come on, man.

Hey, exactly.

Scene. Never ringing a doorbell again.
Yeah, because I know a house likes that. I'll ring a doorbell all the time now.

Can I tell you a little trick with my house? Yeah. This is a little life hack.
Okay. Can't wait.
I have a doorbell. Sure.
It does not do anything

when you ring it. Because I tell people, don't ring the doorbell, but people always do.
And if I have a doorbell that is not connected to anything, it doesn't matter if people ring a doorbell.

Oh, because it drives spaghetti nuts. Spaghetti doesn't like it.

Oh, so you'll never it's that like it's like that on purpose i have specifically designed it so that it doesn't do anything got it got it on purpose got it it's my little

it's my little hack for living a relaxing life i love it yeah i also like for the way my uh house and my porch are designed if like there's like a solicitor or someone who's like coming by we have a lot of in my neighborhood for whatever reason we have a lot of people

that like come by to like spray for bugs or whatever like spray like bug spray people like spraying the outside of your house for bugs. There's so many of them.

And yeah, it's, I guess it's just like a thing. Like, that's, that's, there's probably not a lot of businesses that are like door-to-door businesses anymore.
Um, but for whatever reason, that one is.

And, uh, and like garage door repair, it's, it's those two things. People will just

walk your alley and like tape up garage door repair things on your garage, which is crazy. I will throw one away, and within three days, there's another one taped up.

And it's just like, this is exhausting. I once saw a guy who was, I was like coming into my garage and he was putting the like thing on my garage.
And as I was coming in,

hey, man, I don't want that. And he was like, he just looked at me and shrugged and put it on the garage.
Now, it's possible we did not speak the same language. That's, that is 100% a possibility.

It's also possible that he's like, hey, man, I get paid to stick these on garages. Like, I don't give a shit.
Yeah.

I don't care who you are.

What you want to do.

But a lot of times when I get like solicitors, I'll just kind of look out my window and like kind of wave them off.

And by kind of wave them off, I mean my dog will be going absolutely fucking berserk and I'll say, go away. And there was a guy who came, it was earlier this summer.

So it was probably like a month or two ago. And I was like, go away.
Like, I'm not interested. And he was like pointing to my door, like, open the door.
And I was like, no, you leave.

And he was like, the door. And I was like, I understand what my door is.

You got to understand. It's not opening it up.
And also, I'm holding a 55-pound German shepherd who's just like going fucking berserk right now.

Like, you should know that this is not going to end well for anyone involved. Yeah, what the hell? Can I ask? I'm very confused by

spraying for bugs outside. Yes.
What? That seems like

your shits. Yeah.
That's their kitchen.

But it feels like, I mean,

I just, I'm confused. I could see if you have like a hornet's nest in your garage or something, like on the outside, but otherwise,

bugs, it's just sort of a a non-stop until the earth stops revolving, right? Bugs are just going to be around.

I will say,

I've only done it one time where I've had to spray for bugs because in my basement, I was getting a ton of millipedes.

And millipedes are like harmless, but I was like sick, sick of like stepping on them as they just crawl around in my basement. And so I sprayed the outside for millipedes to like keep them out.

But that's the only time I've ever like sprayed for bugs. And otherwise, most bugs I'm like fine with in my house.
I see like spiders and shit all over the place. I'm like, yeah, go for it.

You know, I'll kill a mosquito if I see it inside. But other than that, I'm like, hey, man, we're all living here together.
Like, you're a bug. I'm a guy.

We have different parts of the house that we hang out in. You know, I'd like to see a scene.
Adel, you are a spider that is living in JPC's house.

And JBC, you've decided that it's time for him to start paying some rent. Okay.

Hey, can you turn up the TV? I can't hear it. Oh, uh, no, my kids asleep in the other room, so we just watch it quiet.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who the fuck is asking me that? Oh, down here, buddy.

Hey.

Oh my God.

Get the fuck out of here. Are you a spider? Get the fuck out of here.
Am I a spider? What do I fucking look like? My name is Ulysses.

I'm thank you. My name's Ulysses.
I'm a brown recluse.

I've been in your mouth.

Did you know that you swallow three to five of my cousins every year? I don't think people swallow five brown recluses every year.

And by the way, I don't know who told you you're a brown recluse, but brother, you are not a brown reckless. What? Come on.

You're brown. Yeah.
Like in color. A brown reckless.

I'm a recluse. Brad Reckless is like the king of spiders, my man.
You are, you're minuscule. You're, you're tiny.
What the fuck? Really focusing on the tiny part. Listen, you know what?

Just put the, hey, bring the TV into the basement and I'll just watch it in there and we'll be good. You know what? No, I'm usually pretty cool with spiders being in the house, but

you are kind of crossing a line that most spiders don't cross. Pretty cool with spiders in the house says the guy who swallowed three to five of my cousins.

Everybody does that.

Here's what I'll say.

It doesn't matter. The thing isn't that you do it while you're asleep.
The thing is that you do it three to five times a year. Ulysses, here's what I'm going to say.
Yeah.

I don't, I'm not going to kick you out. I'm not going to smush you, but if you want to stay here,

you're going to have to start contributing, you know, to the house. Got it.
Let me okay let's see all right i'm gonna spin a web uh

ah dream catcher

okay did you know that spider silk

yeah

how would you do it in front of my face like spider silk is like 10 times stronger than steel how'd you just destroy that

are you super strong or you a super there's no way that spider silk is 10 times stronger than steel relatively

well yeah i guess everything

Ulysses, that's not the kind of thing. I don't, that's not useful to me.
You spinning webs actually like not useful to me. Oh,

what if I

how many other bugs have you caught

and eaten?

Like in the last week, how many other bugs have you caught in the house and

silverfish, silverfish, silverfish, fly fly, fly fly, mosquito, fly, silverfish, fly, mosquito 28?

You've been killing silverfish?

Yeah. No, silverfish kill other bugs.

That's why I kill them. Can I

Can you hear yourself?

Oh,

you killed a guy trying to break into your house? Those things kill people at the house that they break into. Can you hear yourself? No, you're first of all.
You're like an arachnid.

You're not even like a bug. I want you to kill like gnats and stuff like that.
Not like the silverfish will kill the other bugs. Like, hey, I know we'll smooth things over.
Okay.

Let me lay a big egg sack. No.

Hold on. Brother.
Can I finish? It ain't a. Can I finish? What's the finish gonna be that's gonna turn me me around? Love me.

Okay. Lay a big egg sack.
Okay.

Then one day you'll forget it's there. You'll step on it.
Sure. Yeah.
A million tiny clear spiders will zoom around the house. Yeah.
Tiny clear spiders, uh-huh. And I'll have a community to talk to.

You have to walk spaghetti once a month, and it has to be a 45-minute walk.

Spaghetti eats, I'd say, 30 to 50 of my cousins per year.

You better keep her happy and engaged and worn out and tired, you know? Hey, let me tell you something. Come down.
Lean down here. Lean down here.
Okay. Hey, what's the deal with Aaron Keith?

Is she single?

Is she single? Yeah.

I saw her one time and I was like,

I think probably one time. Yeah.
I think she's been over. I think she's been over exactly one time.

She was here with her boyfriend, by the way.

That guy that was here with her was that was her boyfriend. Zorp?

Yeah.

Boyfriend? Yeah.

Oh, he looks he looked like a human though

oh you're confused as like why would a human date like a haunted porcelain doll

how am I catching strays in this scene

it's about a spider

picks up shoe kills that spider

what the fuck about him in that scene

awesome

Aaron, as a little update, Aaron brought my kid a

panda bear. Yeah.
Yeah, a panda bear. Named Beverly Shubadoo.
Named Beverly Shoobadoo.

And so far, my kid will call things by like the animal that they are, like elephant or bear or whatever, but they won't, they don't, they won't give their like animals names.

But shoobadoo, I introduced from the beginning as shoobadoo, and I've been reinforcing shoobadoo.

And now my kid will call that bear, well, they can't, they can't quite get shoobadoo out because that's a crazy word to say, but it's close. It's close.

Shoobadoo is more in line with like a baby's vocab than most words. So I feel like making names that are like keep a pop or subadap, like that's more beneficial for a baby.
Huge for me.

I brought Beverly Shubidu so I could have a spy on the ground floor. That bear is there to slowly convince Mariah to leave you for me.

And the fact that

your kid is like building a relationship with it is huge news. Huge news.

The other thing that they'll do is they'll just touch the top of Shubadu's head and go, so soft.

Oh, my goodness.

We were for ice cream recently with JPC and his kid. And

every time you would give them ice cream, they would turn and look at me and make a face of like, I don't know if I like this, which was fascinating. It was their first time ever having ice cream.

And they were like,

And I was like, yeah, it's cold. I understand.
It's like, but it is good as fucking hell, but it's cold. And that's not always like temperature might override flavor in a lot of ways.

All right. Hey, speaking of temperatures and flavors, why don't we take a little break?

Okay.

Just this once, though. Yeah.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Excuse me, you two travelers.

I'm from a different time, and I need to know how things work in this time.

What's my hair color in 2028? What's my hair color in 2029? What's my hair color in 2029? Oh, I'm from the past.

Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah.
Oh, hey, look, we don't really have time for whatever this scam is, so could you just tell us how much money you need and we'll kind of be on our way? 500 bucks.

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Did you know most of those words, guy from the past? Yeah, we have words in the past. Also, my name is just Jeff, and I'm from now.
Okay, guy from the past.

I have a great, it looks like the domain www.guyfromthepast who needs $500.com is still available. Now, here's the thing.

I know that when we mention stuff in ads, people buy the websites.

Guys, if you want to, just make sure you head to squarespace.com slash Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using coupon code RIDDLE. I love our listeners.
That's insane.

Wait, don't listen to that guy. I'm actually from the past and need that website.
Okay, so it's going to be a bidding war on that fake website. What is a website? There we go.

Five, four, three, two, one. Countdown over.
It's the holiday season. Time to buy gifts.
I'm so excited. I'm going to decorate.
I'm going to buy gifts. Aaron, Aaron, slow down.

You sound and look stressed, but Uncommon Goods takes the stress out of gifting with thousands of unique, high-quality finds you won't see anywhere else. Now, Aaron, how does that make you feel?

Oh, I feel way better. Yeah.

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Mm-hmm. And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a non-profit partner of your choice.
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Plus, Uncommon Goods has something for everyone, from moms and dads to kids and teens, from book lovers, history buffs, and die-hard football fans to foodies, mixologists, and avid gardeners.

You'll find thousands of new gift ideas that you won't find anywhere else. And again, they want me to differentiate.
That is die-hard fans and football fans.

I'm not sure if you'll find stuff from the major motion picture in Die Hard, but you can look. And Miss Keefe, can I tell you last year, my parents got me common goods?

I got like a bag of flour and a brick.

Well, that's no fun. No, I want uncommon goods.
That won't do. You know what? If you're like me, buy some Christmas ornaments.
Get some Christmas candles.

Get some stuff for Christmas and put it on your house. Hey, whatever you do, don't wait.
Cross those names off your list before the rush. To get 15% off your next gift, go to

goods.com slash riddle. That's uncommon goods.com slash riddle for 15% off uncommon goods.
We're all out of the ordinary. But don't take it from them.
Take it from me, Cousin Kringle.

That's fun. That's fun.
Probably should have done it at the beginning, though, right? Huh? Stay on that side of the street. Oh, stay over there.
Do you need me to start the app? No, stay.

Everybody say thank you, Miss Erin.

I thanked you guys in the other ones.

Not getting thanked. Oops.
Uh-oh, here we go.

Add a little JPC. I need to get a last-minute gift for my parents.
Forgot to get them something. Maybe something sentimental that they can use around the house.
Panicing, panic. Baby, calm down.

You got an ace up your sleeve, baby. So many cards up my sleeve.
The best gift you can get a parent, or really anyone in your life, is an aura frame. Have you heard of this? You've seen this?

Okay, I'm already feeling a little calmer. You came to the right place, Aaron.
That's why they call me Mr. Last Minute.
It's not because I'm the last thing that you you see before you die.

I don't know who started that rumor. It's not true.
You see a bunch of cool stuff and it's your life and I don't take you or usher you off. What are we talking about? We're talking about aura frames.

You can upload unlimited photos and videos, just download the aura app and connect to Wi-Fi. Plus, you can preload photos before it ships.

So you can send photos from anywhere, anytime to the aura frame that you give as a gift. And Aaron, here's something parents go nuts for.
You can share photos and videos effortlessly.

So if Gemma Gemma and I go on a fun trip, I upload some of those pics to my mom's frame. She's going nuts.
She's loving it. She feels like she's engaged with my life.
Okay, awesome.

And also, they have a gift box included. So every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag.
Oh, thank goodness. Oh,

oh, my goodness. Take it from me, Mr.
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And Aaron, it's just a placeholder. We're going to get like an actual

rapper, musician.

Great, because that whole character is very confusing. The grim rapper, Mr.
Last Minute, what's not there to get? Mr. Last Minute is so funny.

My name is Cyborg Monday, and I am feeling very tired. I need a place to rest my weary head.
Oh,

probably cyborg spelled S-I-G-H, don't you think, JPC? Yeah.

See?

Cyborg, you should lay down on JPC's Helix mattress. Oh, amazing.
Or cyborg. And not that I wouldn't love to have your oily body all over my mattress.
You could take the Helix Sleep quiz.

They'll get to match you with the perfect mattress. And then you could get your own Helix mattress.
Ooh, calculating.

Helix is the most awarded mattress brand, tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. I just got matched with the Midnight Luxe.
Yum, yum, yum. Very good sleep.

Sounds more like researching than calculating.

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I am the one that did the silly voice this time. Can you believe it? A beep boop.

We just met you. Ebe poop.

Aaron Addle, can I share a real life story brought to you by the fine folks at Quince?

They didn't allow it.

So it's Thanksgiving. We do a thing every year where we go to a friend's giving at a friend's house.
My wife is dressed. My child is dressed.

My wife says, I say, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower. I come downstairs and my wife says, you are not wearing that to Thanksgiving.
And I say, well,

I thought I was going to wear this. And she said, no, you go upstairs and change it.
You change it to something nice. And I went upstairs and I went into my closet.
And what did I find?

but my Quince long sleeve Henley. And I said, this actually looks pretty nice.

And I think that if I wear this downstairs, my wife will shake her head yes and say that's something we could leave the house in. And guess what? It happened.

Ooh, but I'm sure that was like so expensive. That sounds pretty lux.
No, Aaron, it was affordable. It was downright affordable.
Because Quince makes the essentials every guy needs.

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So, guys, stop getting sent back upstairs by your wife to change because what you picked out is not something that you should even own anymore and actually should go to the dump.

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That's q-u-in-n-ce-e.com/slash riddle. Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle. What were you wearing when you came down the stairs? Full turkey costume.
Knew it.

and we're back. Okay, guys, favorite temperature slash favorite flavor.
Go.

Hot, hot, hot, and clear.

Oh, yeah.

Is that your Scientology audition? Yes.

How'd I do?

You passed. Good, good, good, good, good.

Favorite temperature, I'm going to say 65 degrees. Nice.
And my favorite flavor. Oh, boy.

I mean, I like pumpkin, but I don't like this sort of yearly scramble to make everything pumpkin to where it's disgusting.

Maple's pretty good, although it looks savory.

You only have 15 more minutes to decide. Oh, no, shit.
Watermelon.

JBC, same question.

Same answer, 65 watermelon. There's a person, I've seen them driving around my neighborhood a couple times, and they they have a license plate, and the license plate just says 69 space

FMS.

Fuck my shit. 69.

We think it stands for 69 fuck me sideways because that would be how you 65. Fuck me silly.
Yeah.

But 69 FMS, that's got to be a custom plate because it's only five. That's a, that's got to be a sexual thing, right? There's no way that that's.
It's full Monty Slaps.

It's serious movie. I want everybody to comment below what you think the FMS is.
Yeah, comment below wherever you're listening to this.

It could just be you opening a notes app on your phone, just commenting into that. But we want to know what you think the FMS is on 69.

Yeah, I'm not.

I'll only look at Urban Dictionary. I just

silly that's sing a song called the FMS Pinafore. Yeah.

Hold on.

Hold on. We're making Aaron sing a lot on this episode.
Okay, instead of making Aaron sing more, why don't we do another riddle? This one is again from Colin Wilson.

It's fucked me sideways.

It is fucked me sideways. Yeah, it's fuck me sideways.
Okay.

That person, he's a freak.

Or it's flying monkey syndrome. Oh, no.

It's also a minivan, and I think it's so funny to have watched me sideways on a minivan. A twist.

A twist.

I really, I really also just doxed versus like crazy their full license plate But here's the thing if you get like a license plate that says 69 fuck me sideways You've given up any right to privacy You've just put your business out there like in the world like anyone who sees that anyone who puts the time energy and money into a vanity plate you want the attention.

Yeah, you want the attention. Yeah um okay here's uh your second riddle um from from Colin.
It says I know everyone's secrets and everyone's announcements. Some people like to tell jokes with me.

Some people like to talk politics with me. Some people like to ask me advice.
A lot of people want to leave me alone, but few can actually avoid me. Who is this? The internet?

The girl I went to high school with, Amber Tanzillo? Oh, it's Amber. Everyone kind of told her gossip and secret.
She was like the cheerleader, very popular.

Dated Scott Mallory, of course, the quarterback. Yeah, Amber Tanzillo.

I have a question about Amber Tanzilla. Did everyone tell her gossip or was she actively seeking it out?

Or was this like some sort of like curse where it's like she just absorbs this gossip that she doesn't even want? JBC, the best in high school,

the way the best do it is they make you think that they want you to tell them. But they don't really do anything.
They just pause long enough to where you start talking.

They start to say like, ooh, did you see like Karen's broken leg? And then they don't say anything. And so the other person's like,

I heard she XYZ.

Right? So you leave enough pause to where the person wants to give further information.

Damn, every time I've tried to employ this method, I've just like paused and the other person has just like nodded their head and walked away. Good thing.

You know what's come to my attention recently? I don't know shit about shit, gossip-wise.

Like I went out to a dinner recently and someone let me know about a thing and it like solved a two-year-long mystery for me where I was like, oh, that's why it's weird to hang out with that group of people.

Like I, it completely misses my desk, all gossip all social context for why things are happening aaron i feel like from hanging out with you you have clued us into a lot of gossip what do you like i you think yeah but but it's also like you know like la centric stuff where you'll hear a thing about like a person who is in la

and me being in chicago who doesn't like regularly interact with like those la people i feel like i get a lot of like la specific gossip from you yeah i mean i i guess i get a couple like celebrity gossip things I wouldn't ordinarily get, but I think in terms of like social interaction stuff, I'm not getting,

I'm not getting anything. Are you seeking it out? No.
You're the one who told us Dimitri Martin has a small penis, right?

Yeah, but he called me to tell me that. That doesn't feel like gossip.
He just had to, it was like a court-ordered thing.

He told everyone.

He like drew it on a big pad of paper and like

flipped it over. It was like small penis, me.

And then he turned it sideways,

which made it even worse. And then the whole audience laughed.
Mariah's 69 FMS. Always getting gossip.
She's always getting gossip.

And a lot of times it's like gossip about people that I don't necessarily know very well. So it's like not super relevant to me.

But when I like hang out with a friend, Mariah will be like, How are they doing? And I'm like, oh, you know what? I didn't ask. She'll be like, you were with them for two hours.

And I'm like, yeah, just, I guess it never came up. We were drafting types of bread.

Like, I bet Mariah knows more than me.

Oh, yeah. She knows more than me for sure.
Oh, about gossip? Yeah, that that too. Yeah, for sure.
Oh, yeah. Generally, and then also gossip.

I do want to see a scene. Please.

The two of you.

Just real quick, you have not gotten the answer to this, right? I just want that to be clear before we go into this scene. Thank you.
Can we just leave it behind completely?

Can we decide to just never know?

Yes, you can decide that

at any time, Aaron. You can choose to decide that.
Great.

The two of you are doing sort of like old-timey war correspondence by letters. And Aaron, your character is sort of just constantly obsessed with giving gossip and trying to receive gossip.

My dearest Jeffrey,

so

what's going on?

Have people turned to kissing yet? I bet they have.

Please include a list of everybody who has started to kiss out of loneliness, boredom, or desperation.

I suppose some people are kissing because they realize that life is

finite out there in the war. Sorry.
I had to scratch up a little part out. Anyways, did you know the neighbors are dead?

Okay, love you lots. Hope to hear from you soon.
Elizabeth.

Hey, Elizabeth, uh, sorry this is gonna be short. Just a ton of Nazi activity today and yesterday, and pretty much for like a, you know, a big portion of it.

Um, Confused by your last letter, don't exactly know what you're referring to. Really hard fighting these guys.
They really

seem pretty pot-committed to the whole thing that they're doing here.

Yep, heard about the neighbor. Deployed with him.

Kind of heard it before you did, so not really sure

how that came around to you. Anyway, got it go.

Again, just a lot of Nazi activity.

Yours with love, Derek.

Dear Derek, sorry I addressed your last letter as Jeffrey. I was a little trigger happy on the letter.

And okay, you're going to play coy. I see how it is.
Did you hear that the Nazis have gained power and are trying to gain control over Eastern Europe? Isn't that cuckoo crazy?

Someone should do something about that.

Anyways, please let me know of all the cool stuff going on. Love you always.
Elizabeth.

Hey, Elizabeth.

You addressed it to occupied France. So you know where I am and where I'm fighting, you know?

We're kind of taking.

Don't get much Eastern Europe than this, you know, baby. Like, where? Hey, Charles, hey, Charles.
Yeah. Hey, I'm about to storm a bunker kiss.

Yeah.

Oh, hey,

just FYI, since you caught me doing this, don't tell Jeffrey or Derek's family that I'm writing the letters now to Elizabeth.

So much mail. Well, it's not me.
I mean, just when people die, I feel like it's like, it's on me to keep it going in a way. So, like,

and I won't tell anybody, obviously, that we've been kissing. Sure.
Dear Jeffrey, please bring back French butter, cheese, and a baguette at your earliest convenience.

Jealous, jealous, jealous that you get to be in France. Love always, Elizabeth.

Dearest Elizabeth, it is me, your love.

I will be bringing French butter to you in the way of

kind of taking control of global shipping lines and kind of, you know, eventually you'll get French butter, but it will be the German butter because,

oh, how to say this? Oh, Hans, how to say this?

Your love is dead.

Charles or Jevre or Derek or whoever it was.

But, you know, I'm a nice guy.

I'm five foot two.

I am a Nazi.

JK, JK, we beat them, and then somehow they still won.

Yeah, no, I love that.

Men for the last 70 years have been masturbating to World War II, watching all the movies, making Quentin Tarantino movies where we killed the Nazis, being obsessed with how we beat the Nazis.

I love how we did all that and then decided, actually, they're not so bad. I like that.
I like that we did that.

I think it's very funny because the Nazis are such a good, bad guy because, like, you know, universally hated, but then you just get a little ways away from it and you're like, yeah, but

we really hated the uniforms. You know, now that they're not wearing the uniforms anymore, do we care about like their political project?

I don't know.

I didn't like it that they were in Europe. I wanted them here.
Yeah. And they're still here.

Do you guys like World War II movies? I feel like every World War II movie that I've pretty much ever seen has been one time. Like I've seen it one time and been like, ah,

a good film. Same.
Never shall I return to it. Yeah.

Yeah, like Life is Beautiful is

really good.

And I liked Band of Brothers when it came out. I thought that was a good idea.
I liked it. Yeah, but I never re-watched it or anything.
I watched it one time.

Mariah's never seen Schindler's List, which is a heavy movie.

But I remember I saw it a long time ago and I was like, oh, this is a good movie. And she's like, I've never seen that movie.
And I'm like, and I'll never feel like watching it.

So we're probably at an impasse where, like, I don't ever want to, I don't necessarily need to see that. Any war movie or

Requiem for a Dream.

I never need to see it again.

Yeah.

The maybe one, and this isn't World War II. It's World War I, but 1917, I feel like, I saw that in Vietnamese and I was like, this movie's incredible.
So that's one I might go back and watch.

But I do enjoy watching them in terms of like, especially if there's, like with Banner Brothers, there's, there's operations and stuff that I had never heard about where it's like, this feel, this is entertaining and I'm learning something.

Like I'm learning about all these things I had no, no sort of head for. So I enjoy in that manner.
But yeah, it doesn't require repeat viewing.

Do you guys do the thing when you read, would you watch like a historical thing and then you get on Wikipedia and you're like, did they do any of this accurately?

And Wikipedia's like, no, unfortunately. It's a movie and movies have to be entertaining.
Sorry.

I remember being really impacted by Saving Private Ryan when I watched it, but that's another one that I don't know if I ever need to revisit. I will never watch that again.

And the scene, is it the

Adam Goldberg? Is that the guy's name? Oh, the knife scene? The knife scene? Boy, oh boy.

What an impactful piece of cinema. But that scene, after watching that, I'd be like,

I could never watch that again. I could easily never watch that again.
A lot of people were really impacted by a zone of interest that came out

a couple years ago.

But not enough people, and maybe not in the right way if

we get to my trip. Maybe if we need to bring back putting Fortunate Son over every single war movie,

I think that would be a

World War II song, right?

That'll fix it.

It works for Vietnam. Hey,

we haven't gotten any more Vietnam Wars, so it works for Vietnam. Dude, you know what?

Actually,

I'm taking it back. I want only World War II movies, and all of the soundtrack has to be Vietnam-era soundtrack.

Landing on the beaches of Normandy. It ain't me.
I ain't no sinusa. Yeah,

Revolutionary War.

The fight to that song is awesome, though.

She's talking about married to win

I mean, someone's done that before, I'm sure.

Recutting the Patriot.

Put that over 300.

This is Sparta. Some folks are both.

That's a great thing. It ain't me.

Oh, wearing no senators songs. All right, you guys want to take another stab at this? I know everyone.
I want to take another break, and we're going to take another break.

I think we talked about the Holberg scene and then said, take another stab at this. I know.
I felt that as soon as I said it. What a terrible choice of words.

I know everyone's secrets and everyone's announcements. Some people like to tell jokes with me.
Some people like to talk politics with me. Some people like to ask me advice.
The internet, newspaper.

It's Adelaide. Aaron, you said the internet that's close.
Adela, you said Twitter that's close. Facebook, Reddit.
It's Facebook.

I do think that this is funny because they say a lot of people want to leave me alone, but few can actually avoid me.

I feel like maybe this was written in like 2018 because I think a lot of people have successfully avoided Facebook at this point. I know I have.

Something I find to be maybe the worst experience in the world is selling or buying something on Facebook Marketplace.

Yeah, it's scary. What have you have you done a lot of it?

I just got something two nights ago.

And just the whole like, it's just a really awkward experience of like trying to hear back from someone and then them

just it's just I feel like it's just so weird. I got like a library cart, like a book cart

that I thought was pretty neat, but just feel like it's always a nightmare. Most of my apartment is Facebook Marketplace.
And every time I go, is this coffee table worth a murder?

And sometimes, yes. And sometimes no.

Yeah.

It's interesting because, like, if you're selling something from your place too, you have to like tell people like your relative address.

Maybe you'll meet them on the street corner or something, whatever, but you have to like kind of entrust people with that.

But I feel like in like a high transient city like Chicago, LA, like some of the biggest cities in the country where people are constantly moving, the ability to get like great deals on things is just like, it kind of is too good to pass up because

people who are moving will like get rid of stuff that they don't want to like take with them to it. You know, it's like,

it is, it is very much like a big city privilege when you are get some like great finds on Facebook Marketplace. I know people that swear by, I've only used it like a few times myself.

And it's always like,

I do this as well. There's also like, I have a fake account to use Facebook for Marketplace, and there's also a Facebook free group in my neighborhood.

And if I want to get rid of something and give it away, basically, I will post it in the free group and say, Does anyone want this?

But also, another big city privilege: I got rid of a coffee table this week. I just left it in the alley and it was gone an hour later.
Like, people would just come by and take it, you know?

I'm doing a lot more of that now. Yeah.

Here's most of what you can see behind me is Facebook Marketplace. So,

okay, you got blue on Facebook Marketplace. Yep.

This is your next riddle.

This is the third riddle from Colin Wilson.

I'm loud but welcome. Never the same twice, but instantly recognizable.
Impossible to write down, but found in every language.

I make you cry, lose your breath, and embarrass yourself, but you'd never wish to live without me. What am I? Laughter.

Laughter.

Time to make the giggles.

That's what Erin always says. She always says it's time to make the giggles.
That's what I say when we log on every time. I'm sick today, and I logged on today, and JBC said, No makeup.

Okay.

Which is funny. That was a joke that you can do when it's your friend, okay? But you can't.
There's a lot. You know what? I probably shouldn't have done it in Aaron.
You shouldn't have told her.

You can't throw it on my business.

I do want to see it. I do want to see.
That's funny. That was funny.
I do want to see a scene.

Adult, you are going to be

working in a giggle factory. It's Aaron's first day, and you're kind of like showing her the ropes of how the giggle factory works.

To heed to who.

Over here is the conveyor belt. That's where we assemble the giggles.

Is it true that there was like a huge accident and like 20 employees died? That's why there is this like big hiring spree that they went on? Um,

yeah. Have you seen I Love Lucy? Uh the TV show? Yeah, yeah, isn't it so funny?

Yeah, yeah, they were on the assembly line and um they were doing that sort of like eating the chocolates thing, but they were like eating the giggles like if you put a giggle in your mouth, it's like very fun.

Um, their leg got caught in the gears and they were um their skin came off like a glove. 20 people, 20 people.

Well, because they were all holding hands, they were all trying to like pull each other. They formed like a daisy chain.
Um, one by one, they got beacon. I'm not.
It's not funny.

There was a lot of laughing. I don't know if it was like mass psychosis,

but we had to fire everyone who saw it because they wouldn't stop laughing about it. Great.
So you didn't see it. I saw it.
But I was looking in the mirror. So I was safe.

Medusa rules. Right.

Cool. Yeah, Medusa rules.

Hey, Mark. That's Mark.

Greek mythology. Hey, Mark.

Whoa, who's the new guy?

Oh,

go ahead. Good.
Yeah, no, please. Oh, no.
See, my name's Mike. Excited to work here.
I was just about to ask, you probably have like a bunch of

safety protocols in place now that that happened, huh?

Oh, yeah. Don't eat the giggles.

What are you eating right now? Giggles, yeah.

I'm eating the giggles. Classic, Mark.
Classic Mark.

Huh. So this will be your desk.

That's like telling Narcissus not to look in the water, man.

Yeah, he likes Greek mythology. You know, I'm a little nervous.
This seemed on the outside like a perfect job. I mean, I love to laugh, love to giggle, right?

There was clearly a bloodbath here recently, and I don't know if this is going to be a great fit for me

in the long term. Wow, I wish you hadn't accepted the job because now that you've seen our secrets, we can't just let you walk out the factory doors.
I can go out the back.

I can go at the back. Well, everyone goes out the back.

So nice meeting you. Thank you for the opportunity.
See.

Everyone goes out the back was the perfect opportunity to just nod and walk away.

Everyone goes out the the back. Everyone goes out the back.

That's excellent. Thank you so much for sending those riddles in.

Guys, I'm sorry to say that that's all the time that we have

the podcast. Hey,

before we get into plugs, I do want to give a plea to people.

If you have a voicemail that you would like to submit, you can always leave us a voicemail. The number is 1-805-RIDDLE1, I believe.
It's also in the episode description.

we have a few left that I haven't played yet, but we need more voicemails and we could always use more voicemail theme submissions.

So, those you can send over as a wave file to hrrpodcast at gmail.com.

And we'd love to play that on the show. I think that we're not going to do one today because we have to be so precious with the few that we have left.
But please, please do send those in.

And now we can kind of get into like the formal plugs now that that like little request plug is out of the way.

Hey,

who wants to do it? I see you both looking at phones. Adult, Adol, who do you want to plug? I'm looking at the screen.
Well, okay, it's a screen.

Who I would like to plug or what I'd like to plug is I was recently a guest on Dan Lippert's new show, King Cockroach.

It's a very good, very funny Twitch stream he does as a character, King Cockroach.

And guests come on and play video games with him or watch him play video games. It's very, very fun.
So check out King Cockroach streaming on Wednesday nights on Twitch.

Aaron, anything to plug or promote?

I would like to plug

heyridalriddle.com slash live if you want to come see us for some of our fall dates. Some of them are sold out, but some of them are not.

So go check it out if you want to come hang out and see us and buy a tour poster and laugh and eat some giggles. GPC, a review to read or anything to plug? Yeah, so I believe, Aaron,

in two weeks is when all all of our next leg of our tour is. So you can still get tickets to our late show in Nashville.

I think that we might be sold out in Atlanta. So sorry if we're sold out in Atlanta.
And you can still get tickets in Denver. I believe we still have a few left in Denver.

So definitely come to some of those. I think those are going to be like the second week of October.

Also, coming up on the Patreon for Hey Riddle Riddle, we have a pretty fun October planned. I can't really say much more than that, but that's going to be kicking off in a week.

So definitely check out or check out our Patreon previews for that. Maybe we won't be giving so much away at our Patreon previews, but definitely check out that

our October on the Patreon because I think that's going to be very fun. Also, if you haven't listened to Gum Shoes and Dragons, we have four episodes coming up now.

The fifth episode is going to drop on Monday.

It's been very fun. We have gotten a lot of really cool positive feedback from that show, but you can find that anywhere you find podcasts.
Just look up Gumshoes and Dragons.

There's also the Gum Shoes and Dragons Patreon if you want those bonus episodes, which is very cool. And I think that's the last thing that I have to plug.

Doesn't our nasty little guy, Casey Sleepo Tony, have a podcast called Gutter? Oh, yeah.

If you are a fan of Casey Tony's editing, you really have to listen to Gutter. If you were a fan of his Neoscum podcast, this is the same crew from Neoscum.

You can listen to Gutter, G-U-T-T-E-R, wherever you get podcasts as well. It's like an

actual play, horror, comedy. Casey, I'm probably getting most of that right, huh? Yeah, yep.

And we recently had Brendan Lee Mulligan on an app, so check that one out if you're looking for an easy starter point. Yeah, I mean, who cares? He'll go on any show.
He went on Gum Shoes and Dragons.

I mean, that's just fucking bullshit. So,

all right.

Aaron, I have one final riddle for you. Of course.

What wakes up horse,

goes to bed horse

and

has big horse teeth.

A woman who's been punched in the throat by a witch.

Jupiter.

Casey Tony did the editing.

And Harty Pierre in the music.

Logo created by Emily Cardamis and Emily Navoris.

Hey there, chats and boxes. If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon.
It's another chitch cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-chatter box.

You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle by joining the cluke crew for $5 a month, or start your seven-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes. See you there.

That was a hit gum podcast.