#375: You're My Taco R2D2

This is a head gum podcast.

Aaron, you're going to really like the ads that Adel and I recorded.

Adel, is he being sarcastic?

No, I think you are.

Sorry, I think you car are really going to like it.

Aaron, you kissed a car and turned it into a car.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Kind of a wear car.

That everyone giggling at an inside joke sent me right back inside to childhood.

Not only an inside joke, but a car pun.

Yeah.

You are

the U-car.

He stood on a block of ice.

Both of them were goldfish.

It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an ice agree.

And the worst of the aid ride.

Must be

All right, all right, all right.

Aaron, let me get this straight one more time.

We'll go back to the story one more time because I swear to God I was listening, but it just doesn't make sense.

You were mouthing off to a witch, and she did what to your throat?

She, okay, I'll start from the very, very beginning.

Thank God.

Okay.

The Big Bang.

I think I went a little too far.

Hold on.

I was born on a full moon in Boston, Massachusetts.

Hold on.

I'm nervous now.

The Big Bang.

Yeah.

Unless we're talking about Aaron's conception, because then it's only nine months away.

Not 10, really.

You know it takes 10 months anyway.

Do you know it takes elephants two years

to fall in love?

Yes, but also to incubate an elephant baby.

Aaron?

Incubate?

I did know that, and I learned it from you.

Oh, perfect.

Okay.

So

I was mouthing off to a a witch and I went, I bet you'd be pretty pissed if I changed the consonant, the first consonant of witch, to a different consonant.

No.

The C word?

Mm-hmm.

And then she punched me in the throat.

Horrid.

Yeah.

To punches.

I know.

Yeah.

Highly unused.

I know.

It wasn't even like a curse or a spell or.

They're quick to anger.

I feel like a lot of witches.

Sea witches.

How do I want to phrase this?

Do you know like Paul Greengrass?

You know, like the born uh trilogy yeah

um a lot of witches have been really into uh born identity born ultimatum etc etc so there's a there's a lot more emphasis witches are putting a premium on hand-to-hand combat so right no more spells no more cauldrons we're jumping off of buildings it's hardcore we're doing somersaults

Because they understood that they needed to be more cinematic in what they do and how they do it.

A witch who knows judo

is a witch you don't want to cross.

That is a great idea for a movie franchise.

Witches that are not using any of their typical powers.

They're just trading state secrets.

They're on airplanes.

Is a witch

you don't want to cross.

Recently, I don't know where I saw it, but I saw a series of GIFs of the

most improbable ways to move out, like move away from things that have been like filmed or animated.

And if you haven't watched these,

they're very,

it was based off the new Superman movie, which I know that everyone has seen.

There's that, the woman in Superman who can, well, I don't know if everyone has seen it.

You two have seen it.

But there's a bad guy in Superman who can like morph her body because her body is like microorganisms, you remember, or micro nanotechnology.

The woman who does a backflip into a handstand only to put her head where her legs just were.

Yes, she does a backflip into a handstand.

I have no idea what you were talking about because I was being beat up by my chair while I was watching Superman.

Need I remind you?

My chair was throwing punches at me.

It's a move that this woman does in Superman where she does a backflip into a handstand and then her legs and arms switch and she like, it could be easily accomplished by turning around and pivoting 90 degrees.

Like that's

that, but the whole thing is.

If you could do that, if you could do a backflip into a handstand and then turn around and like be walking, you would do that.

You would never turn around in your entire life.

There's no reason to.

If I saw cameras, I would do that.

But if I'm going to kill someone, I'm not wasting my time doing that.

You're not doing it with a little flare?

It's their last few moments of life.

Give them a show.

I guess in context of that, especially if you're killing a robot, because it's like, what does the robot care?

But if it's a robot, probably camera, right?

You got to assume that those guys are recording, so someone's going to see it.

Yeah, that could go viral.

They all have a black box inside of them.

Yeah.

That's awesome.

Well, this robot's dead.

Time to crack it open and figure out.

Oh, but let's not actually watch the footage.

Just in case anyone took this robot on a date, hypothetically.

Let's maybe destroy the black box.

Lobster bits with a robot?

One of those little food delivery robots that were scoot around LA on a date, correct?

Yes, I did.

And I paid for a violinist to play his favorite song.

I once kissed a robot at at the French laundry.

You know who hates those robots?

Lou.

Lou's like, one of these motherfuckers again.

She is 100% sure that there's a soul in there, and she screams every time she sees one.

Oh, man.

Yeah, I think everybody hates those little robots.

I think that if I ordered something for delivery and it came on a little robot, I'd be like, God damn it.

No, they make me feel sad.

They've delivered a couple of my orders before, and I just am like, I'm worried about them.

I'm like, this is sad.

This is not good.

This is not good.

It's like if

we made a thousand R2D2s and then we're like, you'll just kind of

like deliver like penny saver newspapers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're going to be my taco R2D2.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

You don't get to fly a spaceship.

You bring me a taco when I'm hungry.

You're my taco R2D2.

R2-D2.

Forget flying spaceships.

You're going to bring me Taco Bell at 2 a.m.

when I'm drunk and high.

It's like training an alien monkey to like pop your blackheads.

Where it's like,

what are

these menial tasks for such a intelligent creature?

Honestly, though,

if we found alien monkeys, that's exactly what we would do with them.

We would be like, we don't know about their culture, but their hands are really tidy for popping blackheads.

Suddenly, you turn on TV and it's just Dr.

Alien Monkey Pimple Popper,

number one rated show.

CBS

this fall.

JPC, what were you saying about the new Superman?

Oh, it was that.

It was just that I was watching a series of GIFs of people doing improbable or like excessive

moves that could be easily done by just moving out of the way or pivoting very briefly.

And those were a lot of fun to watch.

So that's all.

I don't have anything about Superman.

Fuck Superman.

I feel like Neo could have jumped over those bullets, right?

Oh, yeah.

Instead of that

Bendy thing, he could have jumped or sidestepped.

What about this?

What about just hit the ground completely?

You know what I'm saying?

Is it that much easier to get up from like your back being broken in half than it would be to just like kip up from the ground?

Yeah, do a forward roll.

I started the Way of Kings last night.

Aaron.

I know I'm super early to that party.

Aaron, the good news is you have, I want to say 300 Sanderson books to catch up on.

And it is just like

COVID if you're cracking into the weight of kings.

Zorp is reading them aloud to me

because I like to be read to.

They have a professional

character that does.

Yeah.

And he's actually, I've heard he's really good.

I've never listened to them.

No, that's not true.

I listened to a part of one in Tim Lyons' car when we were driving to LA or back from LA or whatever I did, wherever I was driving.

Was it a good narrator?

I think the narrator is good.

I'm fascinated by the people who are like

good narrators for audiobooks.

I've I've heard that recording audiobooks from people who don't do it professionally, but have like recorded their own audiobook is brutal.

Like, cause we, sometimes we record three episodes in a row and it's a lot of talking into a microphone, but I think that they're there for like 50 hours, like just, especially those big fantasy books that are like 50 hour books, you know?

And you know that they do like 10 takes on pronouncing a word where they're like Kaladin, Kaladin, Kaladin.

Like they have to get notes on all that.

When I did the the Joco Cruise with Mark Gagliardi, he does a lot of audio books.

And when he records them, he has like a little clicker thing every time he makes a mistake so he can go back through and edit out all of his mistakes.

That's cool.

Should we be doing that?

No, there are no mistakes.

Click

this part out.

Cut Aaron's hypothetical out.

All right, Aaron, I am actually a little concerned that you have it clicky pin that near your desk.

That needs to go, that needs to go the way of kings, if you have to say it.

Okay.

let's do a new segment where we each take turns reading uh from a book as a celebrity narrator okay

the color purple

now who's that and what book are you dealing with

what a

walk-in reading color purple

oh he's so excited about the just the title page

yeah he gets

he sees the title page and then he just does like five minutes on how excited he is for the title page.

You're listening to the audiobook like this.

This can't possibly be what the book is.

You're constantly jumping out of your seat.

I can't think of a single celebrity impression to do.

Adel You go.

Okay.

It was the best of times.

It was the worst of times.

That's good.

Jason Mamoa.

Jason Mamoa.

Classic stuff.

I can't think of an impression to do.

Aaron, right now, because of your sort of head cold or whatever's going on, you sort of sound like Kathleen Turner.

Oh, yeah.

So maybe like a Jessica Rabbit, like...

Jacob Marley was dead to begin with.

You nailed it.

I think I told my Kathleen Turner story on here, but when I was in college, my school was attached to like the Repertory Theater of St.

Louis.

And when you're in a theater conservatory, you get assigned stage crews for things.

And sometimes they would be like the school's productions and sometimes they'd be the repertory theater of St.

Louis productions.

And I was cursed my freshman year with what had to have been the worst cruise ever.

Like it was way more of a commitment than anyone else's.

It was way more physical labor.

And first semester, freshman year, I, me and this boy named Jimmy Betts were the like performance majors assigned to building the three-penny opera sets.

And this was a huge set made entirely of wood with like a ton of ladders and it and it was crazy.

And Kathleen Turner was doing a show at the Repertory Theater of St.

Louis.

And she would walk by us building sets and be like, and what production is this for?

Three Penny Opera.

Okay, this is taking you a long time to build.

And she would just chat with us about it, and I'd be like, what are we doing at the turner?

That's amazing.

And then my other stage crew that year, and I'm just so, I'm still so mad about it.

I did that for like six weeks.

First semester of freshman year, a nightmare.

One Saturday, they had us come in at 8 a.m.

on a Saturday and stayed till 4 p.m.

And they gave us like the measurements for a ladder, and we couldn't figure it out.

And at 4 p.m., the guy who was in charge of us came in and went, oh, sorry, these measurements don't make any sense.

And Jimmy Betts threw a hammer at the wall.

And then second semester, I was put on Macbeth's stage crew, which that shows so fucking long.

And then I had to miss a bunch of classes because I was costumes for that.

And part of my job was washing blood off of kids' clothes at the end of every show.

It was the dead of winter in St.

Louis, and I had to watch blood off of children's clothes.

All my chicks in one fell swoop.

For free.

I think after Macduff's kids are killed, I think he says, All my chicks in one fell swoop.

Yeah.

Which is just.

And then I'm the one.

And then it was also like the whole production is like 30 sweaty men, and I'm spraying vodka in their coats because they smell horrible.

Men smell horrible after they're in a production at Big Beth.

Did everyone know this?

I'm pissed.

Elephants have a two-year gestation period, and men smell horrible after a performance of Macbeth.

The two Aaron facts I've learned today.

Yes.

Sorry, guys.

I just had to go off.

I'm still a little bit hurt about that.

Aaron, I have to assume that Jimmy Betts now works for some Kansas City mafia organization.

Probably.

No, he's great.

I saw him at my college reunion.

They call him the Wall Hammo.

We were all like, we were telling our war stories and everyone's like drunk stories.

And I went, remember when Jimmy threw up on those baby rabbits?

And he was like, what?

And I was like, no, remember, Jimmy?

Like, we were at a party.

We were at a house party.

And right by the garage, we found a nest of baby rabbits.

And then later we were all in the kitchen and we looked outside and you were throwing up on them.

And he was like, no.

And I'm like, oh, we kept that from you.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

We did it.

We kept it 15 years secret because we knew you'd feel bad.

But he didn't know.

He was just throwing up at us in bushes or whatever.

Yeah, he thought he was just throwing up on the side of a building.

He had no idea who was throwing up on baby rabbits.

And we, I think at the time, decided to not tell him yeah um but then i spilled the beans while we were grown-ups sounds like so did jimmy bets yeah that's the problem with nature is you never know whose property you're sort of um doing something on like what animal's sort of domain yeah

i'm walking on an ant condo right now it's gotta be a deer's kitchen that i'm shitting in you don't know shitting outside a lot

aaron where do you ship i don't know exactly i'm trying to find out i'm really nervous The deer's like, use the deer bathroom.

It's two feet from the deer kitchen.

What are you doing?

It's like a full bathroom with running water.

Okay, here's a riddle.

This is another riddle from Elvis.

I think we did like a set of riddles from Elvis, and this is the last one.

So we'll just, we'll ease you into the episode by doing this riddle from Elvis.

I have a hundred legs but cannot stand.

A long neck, but no head.

I eat the maid's life.

What am I?

A broom?

It's a broom.

I tried to think of like what would make a maid sad.

Like, she has to keep doing it.

It makes her sad.

I'm like, sweeping, I guess.

What would make a maid sad?

Well, you know what, though?

What if the maid loves it?

It's like, what if they got into mating because they love sweeping so much?

Like, if you don't know if that's anyone's favorite chore.

Do you have a least favorite and favorite chore?

I love vacuuming.

Vacuuming is very satisfying.

I'd say my least favorite is

litter, like the cat litter, dealing with all that just because it smells so bad.

I do have a least favorite chore, and my least favorite chore is

cleaning the stove, like cleaning all like the burned on like food or like if water spills over from a pot, cleaning the stove, because I will clean my entire kitchen.

I'll clean all the dishes.

I'll clean all the counters, and then I'll be like, Hey, Mariah, would you clean the stove?

And she always does.

She's always like, yes, I will clean the stove, which is how you know.

That's so nice.

true love uh she will do my least favorite chore and i will do all the rest of the chores so that works out

yeah it's an even trade aaron what about you um i like any chore that involves like heat so i like like folding laundry and washing dishes

um i don't like taking out the trash Are you someone who, when you take like towels out of a dryer, you like hold them up to your face and squeeze?

Oh, yeah.

I will cocoon.

Lou and I will sometimes do a towel, a cocoon, and I'll put them all on the bed and her and I will sort of cuddle puddle in them.

Okay, don't use a towel that Aaron.

That sounds like a dog spread all over it.

Interesting.

Aaron, that presupposes, is there a way that we could get you into doing the trash if we made the trash hot?

Yeah, if you set the trash on fire.

Hot garbage.

And it felt like that, honestly, that sounds awesome.

What about a device?

You know how people have like their trash cans like in their cabinets?

My trash can is like sitting down.

It has a lid, but you can have like a trash can like inside of a cabinet.

What if we had that, but we built like a trash warmer that doesn't make it like hot, but it would, you know, heat it up to like, I don't know, 90, 95 degrees or something like that.

I love it.

Honestly,

even hot.

If you can make my broom handle hot,

I'm in.

If you can make my vacuum handle hot, I'm in.

I love making a that's my best sleepover prank is the hot broom handle.

My best witch's pickup line.

You can make my broom handle hot.

I do want to see a scene.

Okay.

Aaron, you're sort of a Mary Poppins type.

Love.

JPC, you and I are the kids that Aaron is nannying for.

But Aaron, this Mary Poppins type just can't be bothered.

Like, you don't really like doing any of your delegated tasks.

For every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.

I would like an old-fashioned, please, if you want to Google how to make that.

What's wrong with your voice?

Are you okay?

Are you sick?

What do you mean what's wrong with my voice?

I sang all day yesterday.

Oh, we sang all day.

If you're sick, you shouldn't be taking care of children.

Okay, um, thank you for the feedback, but you're sick all the time and I have to be here.

So we're not at work.

You're at work.

Yeah, you're at work.

We're kids.

Yeah, I would like to take a load off, please.

Can you make me a drink?

Mrs.

Puppers,

should I use the same glass that I've been using for your old-fashioned or get a new one?

You've been using the same glass?

Yeah.

Clean it.

Yes, yes, Mrs.

Puppers.

But you haven't taught me.

I'm singing a song about fluffing my pillows.

What?

What?

What about...

Why are we fluffing your pillows?

Shouldn't we be doing chores like making our beds or cleaning up our room?

Yeah, you can do that when we're done with my stuff.

All right.

I'm still

filling out my tax return.

Okay, here's your old-fashioned.

Thank you.

Are you?

Do you have any dependents?

Do you have any dependents?

No.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you have how many 1099 miscellaneouses do you have?

Do you have any?

When you don't know what to do, pick up my dry cleaning.

Do it right now.

I forgot I had to get it.

Why aren't you singing?

It's so far away.

Can we use the car?

No.

What?

You're a child.

Okay, I just want to.

Walk.

Mrs.

Puppers.

What?

We haven't seen our parents in quite some time.

I know that.

Are they okay?

Are they coming back?

I don't know.

No.

Fix me up something that is sweet and then I'm gonna want something that is salty.

What?

Why are you both just standing and staring at me?

Dessert then

savory.

It's just a confusing way to eat.

And plus, I'm-you said make a casserole like 10 minutes ago, and I've barely gotten started on that.

And casserolles take hours to make.

Okay.

Takes out umbrella, starts walking towards the door, takes my bag.

You know what?

I'm gonna go help other kids.

Oh, thank god she's leaving off.

Your parents are definitely dead.

They're gonna probably come and try to take the house within the next couple days.

Good luck to you.

Good luck to you.

Opens umbrella.

Starts to lift up.

Absolutely falls.

Tumbles.

Oh, goes into the sewer grate.

Oh, no.

Just kick her down.

Just kick her down with your feet.

Kick her down there.

Kick her down.

All right.

Let's get those taxes done.

See?

And that is the origin for the clown it.

And you didn't even care, did you?

You didn't care, did you?

You guys, you're not going to believe this?

No, I won't.

But having COVID makes your brain move slow.

What?

I can't think of shit about shit right now.

I can't think of anything.

If you were to ask me about anything, I wouldn't know.

What?

Aaron Names.

You made that brilliant connection between Mrs.

Puppers and It the Clown.

I don't remember doing that.

Ever those of you who email the show and say, the clown's name isn't it the clown, the clown has a name, we we know the clown's name is at the clown.

You're wrong.

Yeah, look it up.

Yeah, look it up, dumbass.

And the boy's name is Zelda.

That's a little boy.

That's Zelda.

His name is Zelda.

All right, we have another riddle.

This one's from Colin Wilson.

Colin said, you can read my full name only if you do it sarcastically.

I think I probably nailed it, right?

Oh, yeah.

Here's the first riddle from Colin Wilson.

I don't always have wings, but as I get bigger, I typically sport more and more.

My feet are buried in the ground.

My head is protected from weather.

I don't fear people, but insects are a frequent concern.

Who am I?

A house, a building.

Aaron, you got it.

Nail on the head.

One out of one.

It is a house.

A house.

Okay, fantastic.

I'd like to see a scene.

Okay.

JPC, you are a house.

At all, you are the house's first tenant tenant after moving in.

And JPC, you don't know how you feel about someone living inside you.

Great.

Oh, a little musty and dusty in here.

Okay, let's see.

Put the boxes down here.

And

okay.

I'll start hanging up some pictures.

Just get a little nail in the wall.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, wow.

Hello?

Hey, wow.

Okay, we're ready for the ready for the hammer out of the walls, huh?

Are you a ghost?

I'm the house.

Oh, yeah.

No, I'm not a ghost.

I am the house.

Sorry.

Is that nail like your butthole or something?

Like, where I put that nail is that your butthole?

Is that nail?

Just the way you screamed sounded like

you got goosed.

Oh, so if I drove a nail like

into your arm or whatever, you'd have no reaction.

It's butthole only.

That's the only place that.

Hey, this is all new to me, man.

Okay.

I've just tried to.

You've never figured a house before.

You've always been a renter?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, this is homeownership.

When we someone, you know, purchases us, it's kind of like a genie thing.

Like, we talk to the person who

I feel like people should be talking about this more.

Shoes on, huh?

You're like a shoes on in the house type of guy.

Yeah, it's my, I mean, I'm going to replace the carpet.

Unless that's like a new tunnel or something, huh?

Oh, okay, I get the confusion.

My whole thing is not like a one-to-one with like a human body thing.

I've never been a human.

I'm not a human.

I am a house.

So, like, the carpet is the carpet.

Okay, so a fireplace isn't your penis.

Stop guessing.

Stop guessing.

Why would the fireplace be why would the fireplace be the penis?

I'm still in shock, okay?

The chimney would be the penis.

This is all

new to me.

Jesus.

Okay.

Where is your penis?

Just so I know not to touch it.

Chimney.

Okay.

Ding-dong.

Ding-dong.

Is that you doing that?

Is that like your clit?

Is that my...

Oh, it's the door.

It's the door.

Ding-dong.

Hello?

Hi, neighbor.

Just bringing over a welcome to the neighborhood pie.

Sorry to ring your doorbell so many times.

Yeah, it's rude to, I mean, I'd say wait 10 seconds for someone to move around the house.

Sorry, I was just getting so anxious.

Just because people don't stand by the fucking door, but I'm Mark.

Hi, Mark.

Does your house talk to you?

Oh, yeah, big time.

That's how I know that my house likes the doorbell ring.

Ding, don't, ding, dong, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Oh, this is like good for them.

Wait, you hear that?

Can you hear my house or is it only if you own the house, you hear it?

All right, Mark.

So nice meeting you.

Let me know if you need anything.

Gummy worm pie.

Hey, Mark, she rang the doorbell a couple times too many.

Could you grab a mop and head up to the chimney?

Oh, come on, man.

Hey, exactly.

Seen.

Never ringing a doorbell again.

Yeah, because I know a house likes that.

I'll ring a doorbell all the time now.

Can I tell you a little trick with my house?

Yeah.

This is a little life hack.

Okay.

Can't wait.

I have a doorbell.

Sure.

it does not do anything okay when you ring it because i tell people don't ring the doorbell but people always do and if i have a doorbell that is not connected to anything it doesn't matter if people ring the doorbell oh because it drives spaghetti nuts spaghetti doesn't like it oh so you'll never it's that like it's like that on purpose i have specifically designed it so that it doesn't do anything got it got it on purpose got it It's my little, it's my little hack for living a relaxing life.

I love it.

Yeah.

I also like for the way my uh house and my porch are designed.

If like there's like a solicitor or someone who's like coming by, we have a lot of in my neighborhood for whatever reason, we have a lot of people that like come by to like spray for bugs or whatever, like spray, like bug spray people, like spraying the outside of your house for bugs.

There's so many of them.

Um,

and yeah, it's I guess it's just like a thing.

Like, that's that's there's probably not a lot of businesses that are like door-to-door businesses anymore.

Um, but for whatever reason, that one is, And like garage door repair.

It's those two things.

People will just

walk your alley and like tape up garage door repair things on your garage, which is crazy.

I will throw one away and within three days, there's another one taped up.

And it's just like, this is exhausting.

I once saw a guy who was, I was like coming into my garage and he was putting the thing on my garage.

And as I was coming in,

hey, man,

I don't want that.

And he was like, he just looked at me and shrugged and put it on the garage.

Now, it's possible we did not speak the same language.

That's, that is 100% a possibility.

It's also possible that he's like, hey, man, I get paid to stick these on garages.

Like, I don't give a shit.

Yeah.

I don't care who you are or what you want to do.

But a lot of times when I get like solicitors, I'll just kind of look out my window and kind of wave them off.

And by kind of wave them off, I mean my dog will be going absolutely fucking berserk and I'll say, go away.

And there was a guy who came, it was earlier this summer.

So it's probably like a month or two ago.

And I was like, go away.

Like, I'm not interested.

And he was like pointing to my door, like, open the door.

And I was like, no, you leave.

And he was like, the door.

And I was like, I understand what my door is.

You got to understand.

It's not opening it up.

And also, I'm holding a 55-pound German shepherd who's just like going fucking berserk right now.

Like, you should know that this is not going to end well for anyone involved.

Yeah, what the hell?

Can I ask?

I'm very confused by

spraying for bugs outside.

Yes.

What?

That seems like

yeah that's their kitchen

but it feels like i mean

i i just i'm confused i i can see if you have like a hornet's nest in your garage or something like on the outside but otherwise i bugs it's just sort of a non-stop until the earth stops revolving right bugs are just going to be around

I will say I there's I've only done it one time where I've had to spray for bugs because in my basement I was getting a ton of millipedes and millipedes are like harmless but I was like sick sick of like stepping on them as they just like crawl around in my basement And so I sprayed the outside for millipedes to like keep them out.

Um, but that's the only time I've ever like sprayed for bugs.

And otherwise, most bugs I'm like fine with in my house.

I see like spiders and shit all over the place.

I'm like, yeah, go for it.

You know, I'll kill a mosquito if I see it inside.

But other than that, I'm like, hey, man, we're all living here together.

Like, you're a bug, I'm a guy.

We have different parts of the house that we hang out in, you know?

I'd like to see a scene.

Adult, you are a spider that is living in JPC's house.

And JBC, you've decided that it's time for him to start paying some rent.

Okay

Hey, can you turn up the TV?

I can't hear it.

Oh, uh, no, my my kids asleep in the other room, so we we just watch it quiet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the who the fuck is asking me that?

Down here, buddy.

Hey.

Oh my god.

Get the fuck out of here.

Are you a spider?

Get the fuck out of here.

Am I a spider?

What do I fucking look like?

My name is Ulysses.

I'm just sneeze.

I'm thank you.

My name is Ulysses.

I'm a brown recluse.

I've been in your mouth.

Did you know that you swallow three to five of my cousins every year?

I don't think people swallow five brown recluses every year.

And by the way, I don't know who told you you're a brown recluse, but brother, you are not a brown recluse.

What?

Come on.

You're brown.

Yeah.

Like in color.

A brown reckless.

I'm a recluse.

Brown recluse is like the king of spiders, my man.

You are you're minuscule, you're you're tiny.

What the fuck?

Really focusing on the tiny part.

Listen, you know what?

Just put the hey, bring the TV into the basement and I'll just watch it in there and we'll be good.

You know what?

No, I'm usually pretty cool with spiders being in the house, but

you are kind of crossing a line that most spiders don't cross.

Huh, pretty cool with spiders in the house says the guy who swallowed three to five of my cousins.

Everybody does that.

Here's what I'll say.

It doesn't matter.

The thing isn't that you do it while you're asleep.

The thing is that you do it three to five times a year.

Ulysses, here's what I'm going to say.

Yeah.

I don't, I'm not going to kick you out.

I'm not going to smush you.

But if you want to stay here, you're going to have to start contributing to the house.

Got it.

Let me.

Okay.

Let's see.

All right.

I'm going to spin a web.

Dream catcher.

Okay.

Did you know that spider silk?

Instantly got my mouth.

Why would you do it in front of my face?

Spider silk is like 10 times stronger than steel.

How'd you just destroy that?

Are you super strong or are you a super?

There's no way that spider silk is 10 times stronger than steel.

Relatively.

Well, yeah, I guess everything.

Ulysses, that's not the kind of, I don't, that's not useful to me.

You spinning web is actually like not useful to me.

Oh, I mean, what if I how many other bugs have you caught

and eaten?

Like in the last week, how many other bugs have you caught in the house and Silverfish, silverfish, silverfish, fly fly, fly fly, mosquito, fly, silverfish, fly, mosquito.

28.

You've been killing silverfish?

Yeah.

No, silverfish kill other bugs.

Oh, I kill them.

Can I hear them?

Can you hear yourself?

Oh,

you killed a guy trying to break into your house?

Those things kill people, the house that they break into.

Can you hear yourself?

No, you're first of all.

You're like an arachnid.

You're not even like a bug.

I want you to kill like gnats and stuff like that.

Not like the silverfish will kill the other bugs.

I know it'll smooth things over.

Okay.

Let me lay a big egg sack.

No.

Hold on.

Brother.

Can I finish?

It ain't it.

Can I finish?

What's the finish going to be that's going to turn me around?

Let me

lay a big egg sack.

Okay.

Then one day you'll forget it's there.

You'll step on it.

Sure.

Yeah.

A million tiny clear spiders will zoom around the house.

Yeah, tiny clear spiders, uh-huh.

And I'll have a community to talk to.

You have to walk spaghetti once a month, and it has to be a 45-minute walk.

Spaghetti eats, I'd say, 30 to 50 of my cousins per year.

You better keep her happy and engaged and worn out and tired, you know?

Hey, let me tell you something.

Come down, lean down here, lean down here.

Okay.

Hey, what's the deal with Erin Keefe?

Is she single?

Is she single?

Yeah.

She was called one time, and I was like, Gag,

I think what?

Probably one time.

Yeah.

I think she's been over.

I think she's been over exactly one time.

She was here with her boyfriend, by the way.

That guy that was here with her was that was her boyfriend.

Zorp?

Yeah.

Oh,

he looked like a human, though.

Oh, you're confused.

It's like, why would a human date like a haunted porcelain doll?

How am I catching strays in this scene?

It's about a spider.

Picks up shoe kills that spider

what the fuck am i even in that scene

awesome uh

aaron as a little update uh aaron brought my kid a um uh

panda bear yeah yeah panda bear named beverly shoobadoo named beverly shoobadoo and so far my kid will call things by like the animal that they are like elephant or bear whatever but they won't they don't they won't give their like animals names but shoobadoo I introduced from the beginning as shubadoo, and I've been reinforcing shoobadoo.

And now my kid will call that bear, well, they can't, they can't quite get shoobadoo out because that's a crazy word to say, but it's close.

It's close.

Shoobadoo is more in line with like a baby's vocab than most words.

So I feel like making names that are like kipapop or subadap, like that's more beneficial for a baby.

Huge for me.

I brought Beverly Shubadoo so I could have a spy on the ground floor.

That bear is there to slowly convince Mariah to leave you for me.

And the fact that your kid is like building a relationship with it is huge news.

Huge news.

The other thing that they'll do is they'll just touch the top of Shubadoo's head and go, so soft.

Oh my goodness.

We went for ice cream recently with JPC and his kid.

And every time you would give them ice cream, they would turn and look at me and make a face of, like, I don't know if I like this, which was fascinating.

It was their first time ever having ice cream, and they were like, ugh.

And I was like, yeah, it's cold.

I understand.

It's like, but it is good as fucking hell, but it's cold.

And that's not always like temperature might override flavor in a lot of ways.

All right.

Hey, speaking of temperatures and flavors, why don't we take a little break?

Okay.

Just this once, though.

Yeah.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Oh, excuse, excuse me, you two.

Could you help me?

I'm trying to churn some butter.

We're all good here, um, man from the past or whatever, or Elmo, or whatever.

No, I'm from your year.

From our year, okay.

What is this?

I want to tell you about Butter Help.

Oh,

I see what this is.

We're trying to talk about BetterHelp.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

ButterHelp.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, we're talking about BetterHelp.

My friend and I were talking about BetterHelp.

It's online therapy that you can use if you don't want to do in-person therapy, but you still want to have a relationship with a therapist.

Oh.

BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

BetterHelp does an initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, and with their 10 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rates means they're typically get it right on the first try.

And if you aren't happy with it, you can switch your therapist anytime, no problem.

I've done it before and it was great.

I have a perfect match on BetterHelp and I, it's the kind of therapy that works great for my brain.

Oh, this sounds pretty great.

So what are you telling me?

There's like over 30,000 therapists.

BetterHelp is like the world's largest online therapy platform.

Is that what you're saying?

Having served over five, let's say, million people globally?

yeah that's exactly i mean we weren't saying that but that is oh dang correct that's awesome eating butter off fingers

it's convenient too you can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button helping you fit therapy into your busy life So if you're like having a problem, you can literally send a message to your therapist whenever.

This butter is so good.

Right.

And I have to come clean.

I am a puppet from the past.

You are right.

As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

So, whether you're a normal guy or some weirdo pervert puppet that walked up to us on the street from the past, you can find the one with BetterHelp.

Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash riddle.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash riddle.

Wait a minute, one of those was about me, but which one?

You gotta try this butter, JPC.

You gotta try it.

You will love, love, love, love, love, love.

I will not try this pervert's butter.

I'm off to my time, but goodbye.

Bye.

Jealous much?

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting.

Now, my experience with the Emperor, his clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

No, actually, we we don't pay with limbs.

We pay with money, but this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, please, touch.

Starting at just $60.

That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right.

And their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

I have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like Samarit's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with ethical factories and skip the middleman.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like, it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes.

It's, it's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash Riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e dot com slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365 day returns.

Quince.com slash riddle.

Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to walk around.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Eats them like Cookie Monster.

JPC, you know how not too long ago Aaron was a car.

We don't really need to dwell on it.

Sometimes you're asking yourself weird things like, why didn't they teach us this in school?

I feel that way almost anytime I'm dealing with money.

Amen.

Famously, I'm very bad with money.

Famously, you're very good with money.

That's why I'm giving my kids, aka my cats, a head start on their money skills with Acorns Early.

Now, if I know your cats, they're going to take those acorns, put them outside your door, and then feed them to squirrels so they can watch squirrels going outside of your door.

But children, human children, they're very different.

They have different learning patterns than cats.

We're getting wildly off topic.

Erin used to be a car.

That's why she's not here.

But that's been resolved at this point.

So we don't have to worry about that.

Mostly been resolved.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

This is something that I am going to be gifting to friends, that I myself hopefully one day will be gifting to a child and again to my cats.

Start with the in-app chores tracker.

Teach your kids or cats the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set up their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

And you could maybe be like, hey, let's set a goal that you save up to buy, I don't know, like a car one day.

Yes, because it is legal to buy a car.

Yes.

Even if it is or was a human at some point, because if it's now a car, it's fine.

And there's no laws against that.

Plus, kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's spending limits and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

I have played around with the Acorn's Early app.

So it's still a little early for my child, but I really love the features.

I really love how simplified it is.

I actually think that it can make learning about money fun and engaging.

And I think that those are very important things.

It's also really important to demystify, you know, the money.

You know, money isn't something that's like,

you know, dirty or dangerous or something.

And it's just like a tool like anything else that we use to exist in society.

And I think that Acorns Early is a great way to introduce children to that.

Absolutely.

Hey, JPZ.

Do you notice, even though Aaron's not a car anymore, that sometimes when she sneezes, it sounds like Vroom?

Yeah.

And sometimes when she,

not to be indelicate,

farts, it sounds like

passes gas.

It sounds like honk, hon, hon, kong, honk, honk, honk.

Yes.

And then I immediately want to get anyway.

Ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save, and spend?

Get your first month on us when you head to acornsearly.com slash hayriddle or download the Acorns Early app.

That's one month free when you sign up at acornsearly.com slash Hey Riddle.

Acorns early is issued by Community Federal Services Bank member FDIC pursuant to license by MasterCard International.

Free trial for new subscribers only.

Subscription fee starting for five dollars per month unless canceled terms apply at acorns.com slash early terms.

Aaron's not a car.

Take control of your money.

Ah, Aaron, uh, uh, barbear Arian, uh, also JPC,

just paladin Cohen.

Great, love,

love it, love.

What is this vibe?

Yes, we all love DD style adventures, right?

Full of humor and heart.

Guys,

I know I do.

You need to check out Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Oh, I know Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

It's an award-winning DD comedy podcast hosted by an all-star team of writers, comedians, and voice actors.

You can join along for an auditory adventure with immersive sound design, an original score, and gripping stories set in a fantasy world.

Plus, it's suitable for all ages, yet full of complex characters that make you laugh and cry.

This podcast needs to be experienced by everyone, whether you're a seasoned DD player or completely new to the game.

Oh, this sounds up our alley.

It's comedy with heart.

Oh, wait, we don't have heart.

So you're probably jonesing for some heart.

Join a cast of five quick-witted friends as they overcome disastrous dice rolls, bewildering role play, and heartfelt moments of camaraderie.

Your gut will both split from laughter and fill with butterflies as these goofballs weave a hilarious, heartwarming story together.

Again, would love to know what it feels like to have a podcast that has a little bit of heart on it.

Can't wait.

Okay, how would you know if you like this show well here let me tell you some other shows that it's comparable to critical role ever heard of it the adventure zone ever heard of it dungeons and daddies ever heard of it gumshoes and dragons you might not have heard of that one but it's good uh hello from the magic tavern you probably heard of that one you and all your friends will love tales from the stinky dragon and i gotta say the episode the quick and the undead where the party helps out a ghost mummy is outstanding discover why tales from the stinky dragon continuously stands out among so many DD shows.

The hype is real.

Check out Tales from the Stinky Dragon anywhere you listen to podcasts or on youtube.com/slash stinky dragon pod.

That's Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

It's a natural 10, which we're going on a scale of one to 10.

Yeah, it's

a natural 20.

No, that's but the scale is one to 10.

So

it's a great show.

That's it.

Basketball game crushed crushed it, and the day's just getting started.

Now, kicking it with my crew.

When I need a quick snack, GoGo Squeeze Active Fruit Blend with Electrolytes pouches are always in the starting lineup.

Made with real fruit and select electrolytes, and mmm, so tasty.

From workouts to hangouts to whatever's next, I go with GoGo Squeeze Active, snag yours on your next store run.

Available on Amazon.

And we're back.

Okay, guys, favorite temperature slash favorite flavor.

Go.

Um, hot, hot, hot, and clear.

Oh, yeah.

Is that your Scientology audition?

Yes.

How'd I do?

You passed.

Good, good, good, good.

Good.

Good.

Favorite temperature, I'm going to say 65 degrees.

Nice.

And my favorite flavor.

Oh, boy.

I mean, I like pumpkin, but I don't like this sort of yearly scramble to make everything pumpkin to where it's disgusting.

Maple's pretty good, although it looks savory.

You only have 15 more minutes to decide.

Oh, no, shit.

Watermelon.

JBC, same question.

Same answer, 65 watermelon.

There's a person, I've seen them driving around my neighborhood a couple times, and they have a license plate, and the license plate just says 69 Space

FMS.

Fuck my shit.

69.

We think it stands for 69 Fuck Me Sideways, because that would be how you 69 Space Space.

Fuck me silly.

Yeah.

But 69 FMS, that's got to be a custom plate because it's only five.

That's got to be a sexual thing, right?

There's no way that that's full Monty slaps.

Very good movie.

I want everybody to comment below what you think the FMS is.

Yeah, comment below wherever you're listening to this.

It could just be you opening a notes app on your phone, just commenting into that.

But we want to know what you think the FMS is on 69.

Yeah, I'm not.

I'll only look at Urban Dictionary.

I did

sing a song called the FMS Pinafore?

Yeah.

I haven't been in the single

69ning.

Hold on.

Hold on.

We're making Aaron sing a lot on this episode for.

Okay, Okay, instead of making Aaron sing more, why don't we do another riddle?

This one is, again, from Colin Wilson.

It's fuck me sideways.

It is fuck me sideways.

Yeah, it's fuck me sideways.

Okay.

That person, he's a freak.

It's also

flying monkey syndrome.

Oh, no.

It's also a minivan, and I think it's so funny to have watched me sideways on a minivan.

A twist.

A twist.

I really, I really also just docked this versus like crazy their full license plate but here's the thing if you get like a license plate that says 69 fuck me sideways you've given up any right to privacy you've just put your business out there like in the world like anyone

anyone who puts the time energy and money into a vanity plate you want the attention yeah you want the attention yeah um okay here's uh your second riddle um from from colin it says i know everyone's secrets and everyone's announcements some people like to tell jokes with me.

Some people like to talk politics with me.

Some people like to ask me advice.

A lot of people want to leave me alone, but few can actually avoid me.

Who is this?

The internet?

The girl I went to high school with Amber Tanzillo?

Oh, it's Amber.

Everyone kind of told her gossip and secrets.

She was like cheerleader, very popular.

Dated Scott Mallory, of course, the quarterback.

Yeah, Amber Tanzillo.

I have a question about Amber Tanzilla.

Did everyone tell her gossip or was she actively seeking it out?

Or was this like some sort of like curse where it's like she just absorbs this gossip that she doesn't even want?

JBC, the best in high school,

the way the best do it is they make you think that they want you to tell them, but they don't really do anything.

They just pause long enough to where you start talking.

They start to say like, ooh, did you see like Karen's broken leg?

And then they don't say anything.

And so the other person's like, I heard she XYZ.

Right?

So you leave enough enough pause to where the person wants to give further information.

Damn, every time I've tried to employ this method, I've just like paused and the other person has just like nodded their head and walked away.

Good thing.

You know what's come to my attention recently?

I don't know shit about shit, gossip-wise.

Like I went out to a dinner recently and someone let me know about a thing and it like solved a two-year-long mystery for me where I was like, oh, that's why it's weird to hang out with that group of people.

Like I, it completely misses my desk, all gossip, all social context for why things are happening.

Aaron, I feel like

from hanging out with you, you have clued us into a lot of gossip.

What do you like?

You think?

Yeah, but it's also like, you know, like LA-centric stuff where you'll hear a thing about like a person who is in LA and me being in Chicago who doesn't like regularly interact with like those LA people.

I feel like I get a lot of like LA specific gossip from you.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess I get a couple like celebrity gossip things I wouldn't ordinarily get, but I think in terms of like social interaction stuff, I'm not getting

anything.

Are you seeking it out?

No.

You're the one who told us Dimitri Martin has a small penis, right?

Yeah, but he called me to tell me that.

That doesn't feel like gossip.

He just had to, it was like a court-ordered thing.

He turned everybody padded.

He like drew it on a big pad of paper and like

flipped it over.

It was like a small penis.

And then he turned it sideways,

which made it even worse.

And then the whole audience laughed.

Mariah's 69 FMS.

Always getting gossip.

She's always getting gossip.

And a lot of times it's like gossip about people that I don't necessarily know very well.

So it's like not super relevant to me.

But when I hang out with a friend, Mariah will be like, How are they doing?

And I'm like, oh, you know what?

I didn't ask.

She'll be like, you were with them for two hours.

And I'm like, yeah, just, I guess it never came up.

We were drafting types of bread.

Like, I bet Mariah knows more than me.

Oh, yeah.

She knows more than me for sure.

Oh, about gossip?

Yeah, that too.

Yeah, for sure.

Oh, yeah.

Generally, and then also gossip.

I do want to see a scene.

Please.

The two of you.

Just real quick.

You have not gotten the answer to this right now.

I just want that to be clear before we go into this scene.

Thank you.

Can we just leave it behind completely?

Can we decide to just never know?

Yes, you can decide that.

At any time, Aaron, you can choose to decide that.

Great.

The two of you are doing sort of like old-timey war correspondence by letters.

And Aaron, your character is sort of just constantly obsessed with giving gossip and trying to receive gossip.

My dearest Jeffrey.

So,

what's going on?

Have people turned to kissing yet?

I bet they have.

Please include a list of everybody who has started to kiss out of loneliness, boredom, or desperation.

I suppose some people are kissing because they realize that life is

finite out there in the war.

Sorry.

I had to scratch up a little part out.

Anyways, did you know the neighbors are dead?

Okay, love you lots.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Elizabeth.

Hey, Elizabeth, uh, sorry this is gonna be short.

Just a ton of Nazi activity today and yesterday, pretty much for like a, you know, a big portion of it.

Um, confused by your last letter, letter, don't exactly know what you're referring to.

Really hard fighting these guys, they really

seem pretty pot-committed to the whole thing that they're doing here.

Uh,

yep, heard about the neighbor, deployed with him.

Um, kind of heard it before you did, so not really sure

how that came around to you.

Anyway, gotta go

again, just a lot of Nazi activity.

Uh, yours with love, Derek,

dear Derek, sorry I addressed your last letter as Jeffrey.

I was a little trigger happy on the letter.

And okay, you're gonna play coy.

I see how it is.

Did you hear that the Nazis have gained power and are trying to gain control over Eastern Europe?

Isn't that cuckoo crazy?

Someone should do something about that.

Anyways, please let me know of all the cool stuff going on.

Love you always, Elizabeth.

Hey, Elizabeth, uh,

got your last letter.

You addressed it to occupied France.

So you know where I am and where I'm fighting, you know?

We're kind of taking.

We don't get much Eastern Europe than this, you know, baby.

Like, where?

Hey, Charles.

Hey, Charles.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm about to storm a bunker kiss.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, um, just FYI, since you caught me doing this, don't tell Jeffrey or Derek's family that I'm writing the letters now to Elizabeth.

It's so much mail.

Well, it's not me.

I mean, just when people die, I feel like it's like, it's on me to keep it going in a way.

So, like,

and I won't tell anybody, obviously, that we've been kissing.

Sure.

Dear Jeffrey, please bring back French butter cheese and a baguette

at your earliest convenience.

Jealous, jealous, jealous that you get to be in France.

Love always, Elizabeth.

Dearest Elizabeth, it is me, your love.

I will be bringing French butter to you in the way of

kind of taking control of global shipping lines and kind of, you know, eventually you'll get French butter, but it will be the German butter because,

oh, how to say this?

Oh, Hans, how to say this?

Your love is dead.

Charles or Jeffrey or Derek or whoever it was.

But, you know, I'm a nice guy.

I'm five foot two.

I am a Nazi.

Hans Darling.

JK, J.K., we beat them and then somehow they still won.

Yeah, no, I love that.

Men for the last 70 years have been masturbating to World War II, watching all the movies, making Quentin Tarantino movies where we killed the Nazis, being obsessed with how we beat the Nazis.

I love how we did all that and then decided, actually,

they're not so bad.

I like that we did that.

I think it's very funny because the Nazis are such a good bad guy because like, you know, universally hated, but then you just get a little ways away from it and you're like, yeah, but.

We really hated the uniforms.

You know, now that they're not wearing the uniforms anymore, do we care about like their political project?

i don't i don't know

i didn't like it that they were in europe i wanted them here yeah and they're still in your far away uh do you guys like world war ii movies i i feel like i every world war ii movie that i've pretty much ever seen has been one time like i've seen it one time and been like ah yeah a good film same never shall i return to it yeah yeah like life is beautiful is

Really good.

And I liked Band of Brothers when it came out.

I thought that was good.

I liked it.

Yeah, but I never re-watched it or anything.

I watched it one time.

Mariah has never seen Schindler's List, which is a heavy movie.

But I remember I saw it a long time ago and I was like, oh, this is a good movie.

And she's like, I've never seen that movie.

And I'm like, and I'll never feel like watching it.

So we're probably at an impasse where, like, I don't ever want to, I don't necessarily need to see that.

Any war movie or

Requiem for a Dream.

I never need to see again.

Yeah.

The maybe one, and this isn't World War II, it's World War I, but 1917.

I feel like I saw that in theaters and I was like, this movie is incredible.

So that's one I might go back and watch.

But I do enjoy watching them in terms of like, especially if there's, like with Banner Brothers, there's operations and stuff that I had never heard about where it's like,

this is entertaining and I'm learning something.

Like I'm learning about all these things I had no, no sort of head for.

So I enjoy it in that manner.

But yeah, it doesn't require repeat viewing.

Do you you guys do the thing when you read, would you watch like a historical thing and then you get on Wikipedia and you're like, did they do any of this accurately?

And Wikipedia's like, no, unfortunately.

Movies have to be entertaining.

Sorry.

I remember being really impacted by Saving Private Ryan when I watched it, but that's another one that I don't know if I ever need to revisit.

I will never watch that again.

And the scene, is it the

Adam Goldberg?

Is that the guy's name?

Oh, the knife scene.

The knife scene.

Boy, oh boy.

What an impactful piece of cinema.

But that scene, after watching that, I'd be like,

I could never watch that again.

I could easily never watch that again.

A lot of people were really impacted by Zone of Interest that came out

a couple years ago.

But not enough people, and maybe not in the right way if

we catch my interest.

Maybe if we need to bring back putting Fortunate Son over every single war movie.

I think that would be fine.

Because that's

a World War II song, right?

That'll fix it.

it for Vietnam.

Hey,

we haven't gotten any more Vietnam Wars, so it works for Vietnam.

Dude, you know what?

Actually, Adel, I'm taking it back.

I want only World War II movies, and all of the soundtrack has to be Vietnam-era soundtrack.

Landing on the beaches of Normandy.

It ain't me.

I ain't no silent.

Yeah,

Revolutionary War

fight to that song is awesome, though.

Many to win flags.

I mean, someone's done that before, I'm sure.

Recutting the Patriot.

Yeah.

Like, Daniel,

Dan El.

Put that over 300.

This is Sparta.

Some votes are.

That's a great thing.

It amends.

All right, do you guys want to take another stab at this?

I know everyone's going to be.

I want to take another break.

And we're going to go take another break.

I can't believe they talked about the Daniel Goldberg scene and then said, take another stab at this.

I know.

I felt that as soon as I said it.

What a terrible choice of words.

I know everyone's secrets and everyone's announcements.

Some people like to tell jokes with me.

Some people like to talk politics with me.

Some people like to ask me advice.

The internet, newspaper.

Aaron, you said the internet, that's close.

Adel, you said Twitter that's close.

Facebook, Reddit.

It's Facebook.

I do think that this is funny because they say a lot of people want to leave me alone, but few can actually avoid me.

I feel like maybe this was written in like 2018 because I think a lot of people have successfully avoided Facebook at this point.

I know I have.

Something I find to be maybe the worst experience in the world is selling or buying something on Facebook Marketplace.

Yeah, it's scary.

What have you, have you done a lot of it?

I just got something two nights ago.

And just the whole, like, it's just a really awkward experience of like

trying to hear back from someone and then them

just

it's just I feel like it's just so weird.

I got like a library cart, like a book cart

that I thought was pretty neat, but I just feel like it's always a nightmare.

Most of my apartment is Facebook Marketplace.

And every time I go, is this coffee table worth a murder?

And sometimes, yes.

Sometimes no.

Yeah.

It's interesting because, like, if you're selling something from your place too, you have to like tell people like your relative address.

Maybe you'll meet them on the street corner or something or whatever, but you have to like kind of entrust people with that.

But I feel like in like a high transient city like Chicago, LA, like some of the biggest cities in the country where people are constantly moving, the ability to get like great deals on things is just like, it kind of is too good to pass up because

people who are moving will like get rid of stuff that they don't want to like take with them to it.

You know, it's like,

it is, it is very much like a big city privilege when you are get some like great finds on Facebook Marketplace.

I know people that swear by, I've only used it like a few times myself.

And it's always like

I do this as well.

There's also like I have a fake account to use Facebook for Marketplace, and there's also a Facebook free group in my neighborhood.

And if I want to get rid of something and give it away, basically, I will post it in the free group and say, Does anyone want this?

But also, another big city privilege: I got rid of a coffee table this week.

I just left it in the alley and it was gone an hour later.

Like, people will just come by and take it, you know?

I'm doing a lot more of that now.

Yeah.

Here's most of what you can see behind me is Facebook Marketplace.

So,

okay, you got a glue on Facebook Marketplace.

Yep.

Um,

this is your next riddle.

Um, this is the third riddle from Colin Wilson.

I'm loud, but welcome, never the same twice, but instantly recognizable.

Impossible to write down, but found in every language.

I make you cry, lose your breath, and embarrass yourself, but you'd never wish to live without me.

What am I?

Laughter.

Laughter.

Time to make the giggles.

That's what Erin always says.

She always says it's time to make the giggles.

That's what I say when we log on every time.

I'm sick today, and I logged on today, and JBC said, No makeup.

Okay.

Which is funny.

That was a joke that you can do when it's your friend, okay?

But you can't.

There's a lot.

You know what?

I probably shouldn't have done it in there.

You shouldn't have told it.

You can't throw it on my business all over.

I do want to see it.

I do want to see it.

It was funny.

It was funny.

I do want to see a scene.

Adult, you are going to be

working in a giggle factory.

It's Erin's first day, and you're kind of like showing her the ropes of how the giggle factory works.

To he to who.

Over here is the conveyor belt.

That's where we assemble the giggles.

Tahitaha.

Is it true that there was like a huge accident and like 20 employees died?

That's why there was this like big hiring spree that they went on?

Um,

yeah.

Have you seen I Love Lucy?

Uh, the TV show?

yeah, yeah, isn't it so funny?

Yeah, yeah, they were on the assembly line, and um, they were doing that sort of like eating the chocolates thing, but they were like eating the giggles.

Like, if you put a giggle in your mouth, it's like very fun.

Um, their leg got caught in the gears, and they were um, their skin came off like a glove.

20 people, 20 people, well, because they were all holding hands, they were all trying to like pull each other, they formed like a daisy chain.

Um, one by one, they got beagle.

I'm not, it's not funny.

There was a lot of laughing.

I don't know if it was like mass psychosis,

but we had to fire everyone who saw it because they wouldn't stop laughing about it.

Great.

So you didn't see it.

I saw it.

But I was looking in the mirror.

So I was safe.

Medusa rules.

Right.

Cool.

Medusa rules.

Hey, Mark.

That's Mark.

Greek mythology.

Hey, Mark.

Whoa, who's the new guy?

Oh,

good.

Yeah, no, please.

Oh, no.

See, my name's Mike.

Excited to work here.

I was just about to ask, you probably have like a bunch of

safety protocols in place now that that happened, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Don't eat the giggles.

What are you eating right now?

Giggles, yeah.

I'm eating the giggles.

Classic, Mark.

Classic Mark.

So, this will be your desk.

That's like telling Narcissus not to look in the water, man.

Yeah, he likes Greek mythology.

You know, I'm a little nervous.

This seemed on the outside like a perfect job.

I mean, I love to laugh, love to giggle, right?

There was clearly a bloodbath here recently, and I don't know if this is going to be a great fit for me

in the long term.

Wow, I wish you hadn't accepted the job because now that you've seen our secrets, we can't just let you walk out the factory doors.

I can go out the back.

Huh?

I can go out the back.

Well, everyone goes out the back.

So nice meeting you.

Thank you for the opportunity.

See that.

Everyone goes out the back.

Was the perfect opportunity to just nod and walk away?

Everyone goes out the back.

Everyone goes out the back.

That's excellent.

Thank you so much for sending those riddles in.

Guys, I'm sorry to say that that's all the time that we have on the podcast today.

Hey,

before we get into plugs, I do want to give a plea to people.

If you have a voicemail that you would like to submit, you can always leave us a voicemail.

The number is 1-805-RIDDEL1, I believe.

It's also in the episode description.

We have a few left that I haven't played yet, but we need more voicemails and we could always use more voicemail uh theme submissions.

So, those you can send over as a wave file to hrrpodcast at gmail.com.

Um, and uh, and we'd love to play that on the show.

Uh, I think that we we're not gonna do one today, uh, because we we have to be so precious with the few that we have left, um, but please uh please do send those in.

Um, and now we can kind of get into like the formal plugs now that that like little request plug is out of the way.

Hey,

who wants to do it?

I see you both looking at phones.

Addle, Adol, who do you want to plug?

I'm looking at the screen.

Well, okay, it's a screen.

Who I would like to plug or what I'd like to plug is I was recently a guest on Dan Lippert's new show, King Cockroach.

It's a very good, very funny Twitch stream he does as a character, King Cockroach.

And guests come on and play video games with him or watch him play video games.

It's very, very fun.

So check out King Cockroach streaming on Wednesday nights on Twitch.

Aaron, anything to plug or promote?

I would like to plug heyridalriddle.com/slash live if you want to come see us for some of our fall dates.

Some of them are sold out, but some of them are not.

So go check it out if you want to come hang out and see us and buy a tour poster and laugh and eat some giggles.

GPC, a review to read or anything to plug?

Yeah, so I believe, Aaron,

in two weeks is when all of our next leg of our tour is.

So you can still get tickets to our late show in Nashville.

I think that we might be sold out in Atlanta.

So sorry if we're sold out in Atlanta.

And you can still get tickets in Denver.

I believe we still have a few left in Denver.

So definitely come to some of those.

I think those are going to be like the second week of October.

Also, coming up on the Patreon for Hey Riddle Riddle, we have a pretty fun October planned.

I can't really say much more than that, but that's going to be kicking off in a week.

So definitely check out or check out our Patreon previews for that.

Maybe we won't be giving so much away at our Patreon previews, but definitely check out that our October on the Patreon because I think that's going to be very fun.

Also, if you haven't listened to Gum Shoes and Dragons, we have four episodes coming out now.

The fifth episode is going to drop on Monday.

It's been very fun.

We have gotten a lot of really cool, positive feedback from that show, but you can find that anywhere you find podcasts.

Just look up Gum Shoes and Dragons.

There's also the Gum Shoes and Dragons Patreon if you want those bonus episodes, which is very cool.

And I think that's the last thing that I have to plug.

Doesn't our nasty little guy, Casey Sleepo Tony, have a podcast called Gutter?

Oh, yeah.

If you are a fan of Casey Tony's editing, you really have to listen to Gutter.

If you were a fan of his Neoscum podcast, this is the same crew from Neoscum.

You can listen to Gutter, G-U-T-T-E-R, wherever you get podcasts as well.

It's like an

actual play, horror, comedy.

Casey, I'm probably getting most of that right, huh?

Yeah, yep.

And we recently had Brendan Lee Mulligan on an app, so check that one out if you're looking for an easy starter point.

Yeah, I mean, who cares?

He'll go on any show.

He went on Gum Shoes and Dragons.

I mean, that's just fucking bullshit.

So,

all right.

Aaron, I have one final riddle for you.

Of course.

What wakes up horse,

goes to bed horse

and

has big horse teeth?

Whoa.

A woman woman who's been punched in the throat by a witch.

Jupiter.

Goodbye.

Starring Aaron Keenan

and John Patrick Collins.

Casey Tony did the editing.

Marty Parrish in the music.

Logo created by Emily Cardamis and Emily Nemoris.

Hey there, chats and boxes.

If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon.

It's another chit-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-chatterbox.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle by joining the clu crew for five dollars a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for eight dollars a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a hit gum podcast.

It's easy to be a superhero.

You don't need a cape or x-ray vision.

You just need to sign up for PowerSaver Rewards.

That way, when you save energy during a flex alert, you get a credit back on your energy bill.

Visit powersaverrewards.org and become a super power saver!