Patreon Preview #341: Erin on the Side of Tea

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Pip, pip, cheerio. Good afternoon, darlings.
It's your host, Aaron.

After getting three strikes with the FCC, Aaron on the side of has moved across the pond. But don't fret, kittens.
All your favorite things have come with me, and the show is still there.

We just found a brand new time slot. So settle in, dust off your fascinators, clutch your pearls, and prepare your best, oh I say.

The kettle is on, the scones are buttered, and we are about to cozy up with Aaron on the side of tea.

Welcome to the first ever episode of Aaron on the Side of Tea. We decide to air on the side of going full British with this show.

You might be a fan of Aaron on the Side of Coffee, my morning show, or Aaron on the Side of Wine, my late-night talk show. But right now, we're smack smack dab in the middle of the afternoon, 3 p.m.

British time, to be exact.

British,

you get what I'm trying to say. I'm your host, Aaron, and let's get off to the races.

As always, I'm here with my band leader, Archibald Babadoke. Archibald, how are you doing this afternoon?

Quite well, thank you, Aaron.

Archibald, I had a band leader, Kyle, back in the States,

and he was a lazy bag of bones. Oh, dear.

So I'm really excited to upgrade to such a fancy

musician. You're wearing, like, a white tux with

the tails.

What instrument do you play?

I play the Magoovophone.

Oh, is that that huge contraption you're sitting at?

Yes, what you do is you put three strings on a dog, put it under a magnet, and then you have three horns in opposite directions sort of blaring out the barks.

Oh, is that the dog?

Yes, we taught one of them to speak, and it's been a problem, a real problem.

Wow, well, dealer's choice, I would love to hear you play your favorite song to play.

Yes, why don't we play

the kinks lola

Whenever you're ready. Just a nice standard.

Dogs, are you ready?

It's just one dog.

Right?

Yes, that was a tale. It looks like the rest of the machine is made out of dog parts, though, right?

Like one living dog. Yes.
What the rug?

Here we go. And the one, and the two.

Kill me.

Kill me.

I

am

most of a dog. Kill me.
Come back to us. Come back to us.
Oh, of course. We're not ready.
We're not ready.

I'll come back to you in a little bit. And then also, joining us today, my sidekick, as always, my butler, Wensley Brassington.
Wensley?

Hello, Aaron. It's me.

I'm sorry. The name.

The name that I'm supposed to go by is Wensley Brassington. Wensley Brassington.

JPC, please just fucking care. Okay.
You said

I just wanted to make sure that everything that I'm doing is part of the court order. Okay.
But it is. It is part of the court order.

The judge. Part of the court order is for you to not.
The court order. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hold on.

Hold on.

I'm watching a video on my phone. Stop.
Well, you called me midway through the video.

I didn't come to you. I'm watching

the 10 worst groin injuries in NFL history. JPC.
I fucking, I hate ads. Hold on.
Hold on. I have to watch an ad.
Number 10. What's that an ad for? It's groining.
Groin injuries.

Yeah, and it's NFL groin injuries, too. Ugh.

I think that they'd have way worse injuries in the NFL than groin specifically. GPC, part of the court order.

The judge said that you had to make it seem like you were here because of friendship, not because you broke the law. Okay? You're not even supposed to bring up the court order.

You're supposed to make it seem like you were supporting me as a friend. You flew across the country or you flew across the Atlantic Ocean as a friend, and now you're here as a friend.

Okay, I'm here as a friend. Okay, yeah, okay.
And yeah, you had to be handcuffed on the plane, right? Yeah, of course. And yeah, you made a huge scene because they didn't give you two desserts.

Everyone else got one. Why shouldn't I get two? I'm more special.
It doesn't make any sense. What does it fine? Hey, I'm here.
You are Winsington. Do I have to do a voice?

Did the judge say Winsley Billington or the judge say I have to do a voice? Wensley Brassington.

Sorry, I'm the solicitor on set here.

What the fuck? Let's just use this guy. No,

I'm the solicitor representing the judge in his verdict.

Wait, do you have to wear a powdered wig? Do people who work for judges have to wear powdered wigs, too? What do you mean, powdered wig?

Never mind. Yikes.

Yikes.

Assistant has to wear a powdered wig. That would be fucking awful.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Excuse me, you two travelers.

I'm from a different time, and I need to know how things work in this time.

What's my hair color in 2028? What's my hair color in 2029? What's my hair color in 2022? Oh, I'm from the past.

Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah.
Oh, hey, look, we don't really have time for whatever this scam is, so could you just tell us how much money you need, and we'll kind of be on our way? 500 bucks.

Okay, well, hey, 500 bucks. If you have that kind of money, Squarespace, well, hold on.
Wait, how do I tie this in? How do I tie this in? I won't.

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Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Hey,

street con man, maybe if you had a Squarespace website, you wouldn't have to approach people on the street.

Oh, yeah, I could just do like a video of this because Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Oh, that'd be so much easier.

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Did you know most of those words, guy from the past? Yeah, we have words in the past. Also, my name is just Jeff and I'm from now.

Okay, guy from the past, I have a great looks like the domain, www.guyfromthepastwhneads500.com who needs $500.com is still available. Now, here's the thing:

I know that when we mention stuff in ads, people buy the websites.

Guys, if you want to, just make sure you head to squarespace.com/slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using coupon code RIDDLE. I love our listeners.
That's insane.

Wait, don't listen to that guy. I'm actually from the past and need that website.
Okay, so it's going to be a bidding war on that fake website. What is a website? There we go.

Five, four, three, two, one. Countdown over.
It's the holiday season. Time to buy gifts.
I'm so excited. I'm going to decorate.
I'm going to buy gifts. Aaron, Aaron, slow down.

You sound and look stressed, but Uncommon Goods takes the stress out of gifting with thousands of unique, high-quality finds you won't see anywhere else. Now, Aaron, how does that make you feel?

Oh, I feel way better. Yeah.

And Aaron, you should feel even better because Uncommon Goods, their items are crafted by independent artists and small businesses, making every gift feel meaningful and truly one of a kind.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a non-profit partner of your choice.
They've donated more than $3.1 million to date.

Plus, Uncommon Goods has something for everyone, from moms and dads to kids and teens, from book lovers, history buffs, and die-hard football fans to foodies, mixologists, and avid gardeners.

You'll find thousands of new gift ideas that you won't find anywhere else. And again, they want me to differentiate.
That is diehard fans and football fans.

I'm not sure if you'll find stuff from the major motion picture in diehard, but you can look. And Miss Keith, can I tell you last year, my parents got me common goods?

I got like a bag of flour and a brick.

Well, that's no fun. No, I want uncommon goods.
That won't do. You know what? If you're like me, buy some Christmas ornaments.
Get some Christmas candles.

Get some stuff for Christmas and put it in your house. Hey, whatever you do, don't wait.
Cross those names off your list before the rush.

To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com/slash riddle. That's uncommon goods.com slash riddle for 15% off uncommon goods.
We're all out of the ordinary. But don't take it from them.

Take it from me, Cousin Kringle.

That's fun. That's fun.
You probably should have done it at the beginning, though, right? Huh? Stay on that side of the street. Oh.
Stay over there. Do you need me to start the act? No, stay.

Everybody say thank you, Miss Erin.

I thanked you guys in the other ones.

Not getting thanked.

You were saying?

The judge insists that you must attempt a voice.

You don't have to nail it, but attempting one is what his verdict was. So I try this again.
Here is my butler, Wensley Brassington. Prim and proper, prim and proper.
Ma'am,

what could I do for you? Stop watching the groin videos.

It's an ad.

I'm trying to get to my. my video.

They used to have skip, a button that would let you skip the ads, but they took the button away. What video are you even trying to watch? It's a groin injury ice skating video.
Oh, my God.

Thank you, Wensley. I will take an Earl Gray tea with a little bit of milk and one sugar, please.
What the fuck is that? How the fuck? How the fuck am I supposed to do that? Don't make me tea.

It's Aaron on the side of tea. Okay.
Take Aaron on the side of coffee.

It's easy. It's tea.
What do you mean you'll figure it out? I guess I'll figure it out. I don't know what more you could want from me.

It can't be any more complicated than your dumb little espresso that you drink while we're recording. Sorry to bottle again as the solicitor here, court ordered.

A lot of UK residents find side of tea a little grating on the ears.

Aaron with a spot of tea might be a little more conducive to yeah, but then the title doesn't make any sense anymore. Okay, you're the American.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fix your hair. Why is there so much powder in your hair? It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
Erin, I hate to cut in, but I'm here in the field and I'm waiting for my segment. It's Nathan Brass here with the Brass Report.
Ah, Nathan with the Brass Report.

We're going to go to Nathan in the field with the Brass Report. Nathan, what is it like out there? Well, it's a bell tower.
I'm in another one of England's mini bell towers.

And in this one, the bells are brass.

Right, so we have a guy who goes out in the field to find things that are made of brass. Bells.

Bells specifically that are made of brass. Yes.
Bells that are made of brass. And my name's Nathan.
Nathan, what? Nathan brass. Nathan, brass.

What is... How big is that bell? I'm getting married this weekend.
That's not what I asked.

Ask me her name. No, I want to know how big the bell is.
Erin, ask me her name. How big is the bell? Jennifer Bells.

Are you just with her because of her name? No.

How big is the bell? Ask me if we're going to hyphenate our names when we get married, Erin.

Is it gonna be... Nathan Brass Bells.
You do bells brass.

Fuck.

Ah, shit.

That would flow so much better. Fuck.

How big is the bell, Nathan? I don't know. I don't have a tape measure.
Okay, well, we're gonna come back to you in a minute. Well, how are we gonna get a tape measure up here at the bell towers?

No way I'm gonna get a tape measure in a minute. In the meantime, we're going to Nigel Puttyfoot with the weather.
Nigel, you are out there with an all-weather umbrella.

Tell us a little bit what we can expect from the weather today, Nigel.

Well, it is coming down pretty hard and sideways is what I can glean from being outside at the moment. The all-weather umbrella is doing nothing.
I am soaked tip to tank.

A lot of the cabs seem to be going up to the curb into the puddles to seemingly splash me on purpose.

A lot of people seem to be taking shelter under awnings of shops and stores.

It's rain. I mean, I don't know what else it's rain.
I know, and Nigel, you do get a little sour when we go to you for weather because it's the same thing every day. It's just, I mean, it's rain.

I don't know why we allot three minutes for this. It's rain.
And Nigel, how many inches of rain, sorry, millimeters of rain do you think we're gonna get today?

One, two, three, four, hate Ridgel Riddle Sclue Cruise.

Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle.