Patreon Preview #344: King Mumbles pt. 2 w/ Brooke Breit

I'm right about a lot of things that people have zero clue that they even know is going on.

Oh, oh, okay.

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You guys, I didn't put on deodorant this morning.

Can we hurry this along?

I can smell myself.

Erin, we're in olden time.

No one's wearing deodorant, I don't think.

Everyone's got like bags of flowers or whatever.

Well, you smell amazing.

I feel like an idiot.

Thank you.

Oh, well, I mean, Adela and I have deodorant because we're like, you know, humans and we put it on in the morning.

You're hurting my feelings.

You must know that you're hurting my feelings, right?

Must I?

I guess I must.

My general overall point was, can we pick up the pace on this?

Like, I don't want this to be like a month, you know?

Yeah.

Like, I don't think this needs to be a full month worth of stuff.

Like, let's just figure this out next 15 minutes, do a chatterbox.

Do like a small, medium, or large.

Yes.

Aaron, is that since you smell like shit, Adam and I should also smell like shit.

So we should really quick roll around and pig shit together.

Okay, if you want to roll around and pig shit, BBC.

I do.

I really do.

You don't want somebody to tell me that that's what a good boy would do.

Oh, wait a minute.

Here's a wooden sign.

I assume it's wood.

I don't know what signs we're made.

Dig a bite back now.

Dig a bite, Mr.

Bite.

Oh, it's chocolate.

Whoa.

I guess that's why they call it the Dark Ages because we didn't know that they made signs out of chocolate.

Well, before you ate it, it said castle is this way.

So we'll click on it.

We'll be right back.

Let's hurry there.

I'm sure there'll be more pig shit we can roll in later.

Let's go ahead and...

we're going to get to King Mumble's Castle right now.

Yeah, it's obviously that's the way that we get home.

Why do we think we're doing this?

Oh.

I mean, obviously it's like typical quest stuff.

You go to the castle, you talk to the king, you get to go home.

Can I tell you a funny story of something that happened to me last week?

I went to the show and I had to get my will call tickets and I went up to a security guard and I said, excuse me, where do you pick up the will call tickets?

And he went, there's a sign.

And he pointed at a sign, and the sign was an arrow.

And there was a child at that sign spinning it around in every direction.

And then I looked back at him, and he was like,

It's that way.

That's true.

Anyways, yes.

Yeah.

What do you guys think?

Like, typical quest stuff.

Like, we go to the king,

the king tells us if we pass the test, and then we get to go home and put on deodorant.

Yeah, I guess then he might kill us too, Chris, right?

Because, like, of what we did or whatever.

Oh, yeah.

I guess kings can always kill you if they want.

It's so, it's like

a Connecticut kid in King Arthur's court or whatever.

Loosely, what it's based on.

Yeah, well, let's just be on our best behavior.

So let's just cross this bridge.

It's based on Black Knight.

Yeah, it's loosely based on

bing-bam, we're at the castle.

Here we go.

Okay, crossing the bridge.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

You think you could cross this bridge?

Oh, you think

you think you're just gonna come across this bridge?

I'm not like you like

you own this bridge, like your feet were made for walking across bridges.

I'm not Frank.

I don't know who you think I am.

This is Adel.

I'm JPC.

Ooh, I want to say it's...

Are you kidding?

We've been working together some years and known each other.

Henri?

That's Henri.

Aaron.

Aaron.

Aaron.

I'm not good with names.

I'm not good.

If you had a dog,

I'd know your dog's name before I'd know your name, and I'd prefer it to be that way.

Isn't that always the way it is?

Always the way it is.

If I had kids, it'd be the same

fucking thing.

We are going to do the thing that people do with bridges and we're just going to waddle on over it.

Nope.

And make...

Oh.

Oh.

No.

Oh, we're kind of blocking the way there.

Very sorry, very sorry, but them's not the bridge rules.

Oh.

Are you not from around these parts that you know how to crush a bridge that you have to interact with the bridge master?

This is good.

Yes, you've identified it.

Nail in the head.

We're not from around these parts.

We don't actually know what we're doing here.

We assumed that we could walk across this bridge, and we are now being told that that is incorrect.

Are you speaking with authenticity, or are you speaking with sarcasm at me?

Oh, it's GPC, so how to explain my whole thing.

Give me the elevator pitch, what's your feeling?

Elevators?

Say,

I would say I'm not a serious person, but in serious situations, I try to approach them with the grace and a plum that they deserve.

Don't lie.

Well, why not?

This person doesn't know me.

They said the elevator pitch.

Okay, the elevator pitch of JPC is he's

chaotic neutral.

Wait, here we go.

Inner world.

Inner world.

Joey set you up in a world.

Oh, that was actually really good.

JPC is chaotic neutral.

Just because he knows how to do his taxes doesn't mean he's making society any better.

Oh, hey, Adel.

I just heard from Erin.

Oh, good, good, good.

It's actually really great news.

So if you've been following along, she ordered 1,111 chef salads.

She's been trying her best to make a dent in them.

She's actually done, with her help of her persona Doug Deep, a pretty good amount of the salads.

But I just heard that due due to, you know, kind of the failure of the app she was working with when she ordered the salads, she will not be charged for the salads,

which is great news because her money and her finances are a mess.

But now she can get help with Rocket Money because Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

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And I think Erin might be juicing those numbers as well because she apparently was signed up to do a monthly chef salad delivery of 1,111 chef salads.

And so I think Rocket Money has helped her kind of...

nip that in the bud before it becomes a problem for her next month, which we actually don't know if it will be because we don't know.

You know, maybe,

gosh, I hope she's not gone for that long.

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Casey laughing at the chat.

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Thanks, Taylor Rex.

And may I just say, that suit is ruined.

Yeah.

Can't really move.

Yeah, you're

yeah.

I'm gonna eat you.

Yep.

Yep.

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Oh, hey, Adel.

Hey, sorry, I'm going to pop in here.

Do you have a second?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's up?

So,

no really easy way to say this, but no errand today, or maybe even for the foreseeable future.

Oh, geez, everything okay?

It was a situation where she was ordering a chef salad

on her chef salad app, and her finger slipped.

Yeah.

And she ordered 1,111 chef salads.

So

she's going to be eating chef salads for a while.

For the foreseeable future.

That's wow.

Yeah.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah.

I mean, it's kind of a bummer.

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And, you know, feature-wise, you kind of would wish that her chef salad ordering app maybe was using Squarespace, and then this kind of feature bug like this wouldn't really be an issue, you know?

Yeah, I mean, something I would love to see is like videos of her trying to eat all those chef salads, which is something that Squarespace offers.

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Is she going to make a coat out of these salads?

I, she's all that she said was that she was determined, and I don't really know what to take from that.

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Now, I will say the tools that Erin is using to eat these chef salads, I think are just going to make her job ultimately that much harder because they're not really,

you know, fork

or knife or

knife, even knife.

Straw.

Here we drink a nice salad.

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And if you have time and you're busy schedule out there, you want to say a quiet word for Erin, she is going to be eating these chef salads for, I want to say, at least two more ads.

Yeah, if she's eating, you're eating.

Bring your local Aaron inside.

So, you know our names.

That's Adel.

I'm JPC.

This is Arlen.

What is your name?

My name is Kevin.

Kevin?

Kevin.

Kevin the Bridgemaster.

I'm the Bridgemaster.

And when I earlier referenced an elevator pitch, I don't know if you're familiar from around these parts to know that that is when you say, L,

and then you go, evader.

Which means like, oh, what the hell?

Get get away.

So it's something you say to get away from somebody.

El!

Evader.

Oh, an evader.

An elevator.

We have elevators back where we're from.

Oh, so.

And the Chicago police shoot them.

Well, as long as the trains run on time, which is fine.

You guys have trains.

Do you know the band train?

I don't know them, but I am a huge admirer.

Magical.

Let me tell you what.

Over time, there's three gents.

They come to the bridge and they sing and they sing songs that I gotta be a little bit problematic, just a little bit, but you know what?

They just they really get you.

Kevin, I'm gonna be honest, it's nice to see you smile.

You started talking about those three guys that come and sing at your bridge, and you started leaning against your little stick and kind of looking off wistfully.

That was really nice.

I don't have too many good times.

I have mostly tough times, and so it's just when I think about the good ones.

Yeah, I hate to hear that.

You hate to hear the thing that you're talking about.

Hey guys, can I talk to you really quick over here?

Just Adela and JBC, just one sec.

Yeah, we do a thing where we kind of split off and like talk about the person that we're interacting with.

That's good.

That's good.

Not anything about you, Kevin.

It could be good about you.

Okay, well, I really hope so.

I'm going to bang my stick against the bridge.

That's good.

That's great.

Bang away, Kevin.

Bang away.

Hey, guys.

Kevin is obviously...

Really adorable and has a really sad backstory.

And I'm look at me, both of you, look at me.

We're not going to get attached to Kevin and we're not going to try to fix this whole deal, okay?

It's going to be really tempting.

He just said he never has really good times.

It's going to be tempting to sort of fix it.

Yeah.

It does feel, I mean, from what I've read.

You're saying don't get involved in Kevin's whole thing.

I'm saying don't get involved in Kevin's whole thing.

From what I've read about like olden

days and times, people didn't live past like 30, I guess.

So I feel like Kevin's probably, he's probably like 20-something.

We should probably show him a good time.

No, see, Addle, this is what I meant about not getting involved in Kevin's whole thing.

Like, look, look at him.

He's just looking at nothing, hitting a stick against his bridge.

Well, pretty sure I'm all good to go home soon.

It is my birthday, after all.

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Aaron.

No, see, this is what I mean, though, guys, guys.

We get attached and then we have to stay here longer and then I smell worse and worse.

Imagine spending your whole life trying to learn how to master bridges.

And the minute you master a bridge, you die on your birthday.

Probably.

Probably.

And we don't know, but we do assume.

All right, guys.

Well, whatever.

But you guys, I'll give you 10 more minutes and then we're out of here, okay?

Yes.

Yes, that's hey, Aaron.

That's all we ask.

If we can't fix whatever Kevin's whole deal is in 10 minutes, we don't deserve to call ourselves Riddle podcasters.

Right.

Kevin, Kevin, buddy.

It looks like you got tiny legs and a big torso.

Yep.

What if we inverted that?

Makeover.

Oh, well, no.

Listen, I'm just here to gently stop you from crossing the bridge and you have to answer a riddle

before you cross the bridge.

Don't make this about me.

Don't make it about me and my physique.

We don't really do riddles.

Yeah, it's not really

our whole physique.

Well,

what if I present it to you right now just to see how you feel about it?

The riddle is, can you explain to me what went wrong in my marriage?

Oh, because I can't figure it out.

It's a stumper.

You guys still want to do this?

You still want to do this?

I feel like.

You know, Aaron, it would actually go faster if you would be more helpful, okay?

I've never been married, asshole.

So I don't know how to fix a marriage.

Wait, well, didn't you kiss a car and turn into a car?

Okay, I can't tell you anything anymore, I guess.

Secrets are just open, it's open season on secrets, I guess.

Kevin, give us the elevator pitch.

Give us the broad strokes of what, I mean, what was going on in the marriage.

Well, Dad, you know what?

You got your finger on it right now.

I didn't know how to touch her.

We talk about broad strokes.

I was really,

really, really, like, grabby.

And

then sometimes I'd just gently from across the room poke her with my stick.

And be a bridge stick?

I've whipped a bridge stick and I'd say, you up for it?

Oh,

Kevin.

Kevin.

One, two, three, four, hate Riddle Riddles Clue Crew.

Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle.