Patreon Preview #344: King Mumbles pt. 2 w/ Brooke Breit

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You guys, I didn't put on deodorant this morning.

Can we hurry this along? I can smell myself. Erin, we're in olden time.
No one's wearing deodorant, I don't think. Everyone's got like bags of flowers or whatever.
Well, you smell amazing.

I feel like an idiot. Thank you.
Oh, well, I mean, Adel and I have deodorant because we're like, you know, humans and we put it on in the morning. You're hurting my feelings.

You must know that you're hurting my feelings, right? Must I? I guess I must.

My general overall point was, can we pick up the pace on this? Like, I don't want this to be like a month, you know? Yeah. Like, I don't think this needs to be a full month worth of stuff.

Like, let's just figure this out next 15 minutes, do a chatterbox,

do like a small, medium, or large. Yes, Aaron, is that since you smell like shit, Adam and I should also smell like shit.
So we should really quickly roll around and pig shit together.

Okay, if you want to roll around and pig shit, baby scene. I do.
I really do. You don't need somebody to tell me that that's what a good boy would do.
Oh, wait a minute. Here's a wooden sign.

I assume it's wood. I don't know what signs were made

back now. Dig a bite, Mr.
Bite.

Oh, it's chocolate.

Whoa.

I guess that's why they call it the Dark Ages, because we didn't know that they made signs out of chocolate. Well, before you ate it, it said castle is this way.
So we'll see. Okay, well,

let's hurry there. I'm sure there'll be more pig shit we can roll in later.

Let's go ahead and... We're going to get to King Mumble's Castle right now.

Yeah, it's obviously that's the way that we get home.

Why do we think we're doing this?

Oh.

I mean, obviously, it's like typical quest stuff. You go to the castle, you talk to the king, you get to go home.
Can I tell you a funny story of something that happened to me last week?

I went to the show, and I had to get my will call tickets, and I went up to a security guard, and I said, Excuse me, where do you pick up the will call tickets?

And he went, There's a sign, and he pointed at a sign, and the sign was an arrow, and there was a child at that sign spinning it around in every direction.

And then I looked back at him, and he was like,

It's that way.

That's true. Anyways, yes.
Yeah,

what do you guys guys think? Like, typical quest stuff? Like, we go to the king. Yeah.
The king tells us if we pass the test, and then we get to go home and put on deodorant.

Yeah, I guess then he might kill us too, Chris, right? Because, like, of what we did or whatever. Oh, yeah.
I guess kings can always kill you if they want. It's like

a Connecticut kid in King Arthur's court or whatever. Loosely what it's based on.
Yeah, well, let's just be on our best behavior. So let's just cross this.
Crane's based on Black Knight.

Yeah, it's loosely based on...

Get it, get it, get it, go.

Bing Bam. We're at the castle.
Here we go. Okay, crossing the bridge.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry. You think you could cross this bridge? Oh.

You think.

You think you're just going to come across this bridge. I'm not

like you own this bridge, like your feet were made for walking across bridges. I'm not Frank.
I don't know who you think I am. This is Adel.
I'm JPC.

Ooh, I want to say it's.

Are you kidding? We've been working working together some years and known each other. Henri?

Henri. Aaron.
Aaron. Aaron.

I'm not good with names. I'm not good.
If you had a dog,

I'd know your dog's name before I'd know your name, and I'd prefer it to be that way.

Isn't that always the way it is? Yeah, it's the way it is. If I had kids, it'd be the same, same fucking thing.

We are going to do the thing that people do with bridges, and we're just going to waddle on over it. Nope.
and make oh, oh, no,

we're kind of blocking the way there. Very sorry, very sorry, but them's not the bridge rules.

Oh, are you not from around these parts that you know how to crush a bridge that you have to interact with the bridge master? This is good. Yes, you've identified it nail in the head.

We're not from around these parts, we don't actually know what we're doing here. We assumed that we could rock across this bridge, and we are now being told that that is incorrect.

Are you speaking with authenticity, or are you speaking with sarcasm at me?

Oh, it's JPC, so how to explain my whole thing.

Give me the elevator pitch. What's your favorite?

Say.

I would say I'm not a serious person, but in serious situations, I try to approach them with the grace and aplomb that they deserve. Don't lie.

Well, why not?

This person doesn't know me. They said the elevator pitch.
Okay, the elevator pitch of JPC is he's

chaotic neutral.

Wait, here we go, inner world.

John, we set you up in a world.

Oh, that was actually really good.

JPC is chaotic neutral. Just because he knows how to do his taxes doesn't mean he's making society any better.

It's funny, I'm always thinking about it this time of year, but I'm not as young as I once was.

But I care a lot about maintaining my physical and mental wellness which means cornbread hemps cbd gummies are a huge piece of my wellness plan it's so funny i have no idea why it gets to be this time of year and i'm thinking about how i'm not as young as i once was oh same girl saying but also jpc your birthday's in december okay that makes sense well jpc

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That's cornbreadhemp.com/slash riddle and use code riddle. Ah, age is nothing but a number.
The number of years I've been on earth. Years are also nothing but physical manifestations of time passing.

Hmm.

I feel okay. I feel okay.

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I don't allow it.

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And I say, well,

I thought I was going to wear this. And she said, no, you go upstairs and change it.
You change it to something nice. And I went upstairs and I went into my closet.

And what did I find but my Quince long sleeve Henley? And I said, This actually looks pretty nice.

And I think that if I wear this downstairs, my wife will shake her head yes and say, That's something we could leave the house in. And guess what? It happened.

Ooh, but I'm sure that was like so expensive. That sounds pretty luxe.
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Quince.com/slash riddle. What were you wearing when you came downstairs? Full turkey costume.
Knew it.

So you know our names. That's Adel.
I'm JPC. This is Arlen.
What is your name? My name is Kevin.

Kevin. Kevin.
Kevin the Bridgemaster. I'm the Bridgemaster.
And when I earlier referenced an elevator pitch, I don't know if you're familiar from around these parts to know that that is when you say L

and then you go evader

which means like oh what the hell get get away. So it's something you say to get away from somebody Ell! Evader.
Oh an evader an elevator. We have elevators back where we're from.

Oh, so we have the Chicago police shoot them.

As long as the trains run on time, which is fine. You guys have trains.

Do you know the band train?

I don't know them, but I have a huge admirer.

Magical. Let me tell you what.
Over time, there's three gents. They come to the bridge and they sing and they sing songs that I gotta be a little bit problematic.
Just a little bit. But you know what?

They just really get you. Kevin, I'm gonna be honest.
It's nice to see you smile.

You started talking about those three guys that come and sing at your bridge, and you started leaning against your little stick and kind of looking off wistfully. That was really nice.

I don't have too many good times, I have mostly tough times, and so it's just when I think about the good ones. I hate to hear that.
You hate to hear that thing.

Hey, guys, can I talk to you really quick over here? Just Adela and JBC, just one sec. Yeah, we do a thing where we kind of split off and like talk about the person that we're interacting with.

That's good. That's good.
Not anything about you, Kevin. It could be good about you.
Okay, well, I really hope so. I'm going to bang my stick against the bridge.
That's good. That's great.

Bang away, Kevin. Bang away.

Hey, guys.

Kevin is obviously really adorable and has a really sad backstory. And I'm look at me, both of you, look at me.

Yeah, you're not going to get attached to Kevin and we're not going to try to fix this whole deal, okay? It's going to be really tempting. He just said he never has really good times.

It's going to be tempting to sort of fix it. Yeah.
It does feel, I mean, from what I've read. You're saying don't get involved in Kevin's whole thing.

I'm saying don't get involved in Kevin's whole thing. From what I've read about like olden days and times, people didn't live past like 30, I guess.

So I feel like Kevin's probably, he's probably like 20-something. We should probably show him a good time.
No, see, this is what I meant about not getting involved in Kevin's whole thing.

Like, look, look at him. He's just looking at nothing, hitting a stick against his brain.
Well, pretty sure I'm all good to go home soon. It is my birthday, after all.
Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Aaron. No, see, this is what I mean, though, because, because we get attached, and then we we get it.
We have to stay here longer, and then I smell worse and worse.

Imagine spending your whole life trying to learn how to master bridges. And the minute you master a bridge, you die on your birthday.
Probably. Probably.
And we don't know, but we do assume.

All right, guys. Well, whatever.
But you guys, I'll give you 10 more minutes and then we're out of here, okay? Yes. Yes, that's hey, Aaron.
That's all we ask.

If we can't fix whatever Kevin's whole deal is in 10 minutes, we don't deserve to call ourselves riddle podcasters. Right.

Kevin. Kevin.
Buddy. It looks like you got tiny legs and a big torso.
Yep.

What if we inverted that?

Makeover. Oh, well, no.

Listen. I'm just here to gently stop you from crossing the bridge, and you have to answer a riddle.
Oh.

Before you cross the bridge.

Don't make this about me. Don't make it about me and my physique.

We don't really do riddles. Yeah, it's not really

our whole thing. Well, actually, what if I present it to you right now just to see how you feel about it? The riddle is: can you explain to me what went wrong in my marriage?

Oh. Because I can't figure it out.
It is, it's a stumper. You guys still want to do this? You still want to do this? I feel like.

You know, Aaron, it would actually go faster if you would be more helpful, okay? I've never been married, asshole. So I don't know how to fix a marriage.

Wait, well, didn't you kiss a car and turn into a car?

Okay, I can't tell you anything anymore, I guess. Secrets are just open.
It's open season on secrets, I guess. Kevin, give us the elevator pitch.
Give us the broad strokes of what...

I mean, what was going on in the marriage? Well, Dad, you know what? You got your finger on it right now. I didn't know how to touch her.
We're talking about broad strokes. I was really,

really, really like crabby.

And

oh, Kevin. Kevin.
And then sometimes I just gently from across the room I poke her with my stick. Oh, I'm just gonna stick.
And the bridge stick?

I've whipped a bridge stick, and I'd say, you up for it? Oh,

Kevin. Kevin.
One, two, three, four, hate Riddle Riddles Clue Crew.

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I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were.
I'm really sorry. I felt the support.
I was so okay.

I was trying to be supportive, but I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot.
I think you did good. Thank you so much.
You're welcome.