Series 83 - 4. Cricketers' Songbook

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us this week on a visit to the historic West Midlands town of Warwick.

Best known for coming third in Google searches after singer Dion and that bloke who played Neewok in Star Wars.

The first of many blue coat schools was founded in nearby Coventry in 1714, so-called because the children wore blue uniforms to lessons where they learned English and arithmetic.

Across the street was a rival school where the children wore red coats and learned how to run a knobbly knees competition.

Considered to be the father of British ventriloquism, Francis Kudrill was born in Warwick in 1913.

On his death in 1989, over 1,500 local residents queued at the local Chapel of Remembrance to see Kudrill lying in his gox.

One of the West Midlands' most famous sons is 80s Formula One legend Nigel Mansell, who's famously a proud brummy, although technically he's more of a brum brummy.

Shut up.

Warwick's Market Hall Museum boasts a fabulous collection of historical items, the star attraction being the 500,000-year-old skeleton of of a giant deer, which once roamed locally.

In fact, deer still thrive in this area, so much so that Warwickshire Council has funded several large culls of aged bucks and stags in the parks of Stoneleigh, Charlcote, and Arden Forest.

In fact, according to official records, last year Warwickshire Council finished off more old deers than Harold Shipman.

That's what you get for groaning at the Nigel Mansell cap.

Let's meet the teams.

On my left, please welcome Miles Jump and Lucy Porter.

And on my right, Marcus Brigstock and Harry Enfield.

And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me, please welcome our resident Tree Trunk in Trunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms.

For example, many people don't understand the subtle difference between the words lottery and bingo.

Well, a lottery is a means of raising money by selling number tickets and giving prizes to the holders of numbers drawn at random, whereas bingo is the dearest wish of the residents of Birmingham.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams.

So, your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Lucy, you can start.

Lambasted, a nasty little sheep.

Harry.

Depict.

De early form of discot.

Marcus.

Kindle.

What South Africans put on a birthday cake.

Miles, poodle, like a Kindle, but for when you're on the lavatory.

Dear Stalker, how to begin a restraining order.

Dialogue to change the colour of raw timber.

Intertwine, Yorkshire sommelier.

Stalagtites, stockings worn in a prisoner of war camp.

Metabolic, bumped into Nigel Farage.

Cocktoe twins, siblings whose transplant surgery went horribly wrong.

Vending, the sound made when two circles overlap.

It is, it is.

I know, I know.

Fiddledy D, Jack's code name at HMRC.

Okay, the teams are going to sing along to some well-known songs now in the round called Pick Up Song.

These days, rare vinyl fetches a fortune at auction.

The holy grail for collectors is Amy Winehouse's anti-Saudi Arabia protest single.

They tried to make me go to Riyadh, but I said no, no, no.

In this round, Sven will spin the discs and each of you will sing along to your discs until Sven turns the music down.

If on its return you're within a gnat's crotchet of the original, I'll be awarding points.

And points mean a frankly sickening denial of free will.

What do points mean?

Yes, and this week's prize is just a thing for fans of the pop charts and herpes-based skin rashes.

It's this Guinness Book of Hit Shingles.

Lucy Porter, you're the start, and I'd like you to accompany Coventry Band Selector singing on my radio.

I brought my baby, a red radio.

He played it out there, a go-go, I go, go.

He liked to dance to it down in the streets.

He said he loved me, but he loved the beat.

Backing singers, go.

It's just

show.

I'm not radio.

It's just the same old show.

I'm not radio.

It's just the same, so show.

It's just the same old show.

On my radio, I'm already yo.

I'm a radio.

I'm not radio.

Well, we all know what a slow-hand clap means, don't we, Lucy?

Your turn now, Marcus Brigstock.

Would you please accompany Birmingham band Fine Young Cannibals singing She Drives Me Crazy?

I can't stop

the way I feel.

Things you do

don't seem real.

Tell me what you've got in mind.

Cause we're running out of time.

Won't you ever set me free?

These wedding friends killing me.

She drives me crazy.

Like no one else.

She drives me crazy.

And I can't help myself.

Thank you Marcus for doing the fine young cannibals.

When did they team up with BGs?

I don't know.

It's uncanny, wasn't it?

It's like I was in the room.

Yeah.

And finally, Harry Emfield, would you please accompany Coventry Band again?

The specials.

Yeah, singing Ghost Town.

This town

is coming like a ghost town

All the clubs have been closed down

This place

is coming like a ghost town

Bands won't play no more

Too much fighting on the dance floor

Well, if your radio hasn't been attacked by your dog, that was

Harry Enfield.

Okay.

The teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Charades.

This game is all about miming the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character or emotions without words.

The world's greatest mime was of course Marcel Marceau who was working as a humble window dresser when he discovered his true calling after getting locked for 24 hours inside the front window of a Paris department store.

His increasingly frantic gesticulations soon had a large crowd laughing and throwing money.

In our version of Sherard's team members are permitted to use their voices.

So Marcus and Harry, you are to start please and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here's the mystery voice.

Ludwig.

Ludwig.

Okay, so off you go, please, Marcus and Harry.

This is a television series and it's one word.

So, speaking as a turn of the 19th-century German classical music composer, notable not just for your celebrated symphonies, but also the ever-popular Moonlight Sonata,

how does it feel to have a BBC One series named after you?

What?

Gosh, there's a one-name.

Now, yeah, one name.

Does it star someone who hosts another Radio 4 panel show?

Wait, Ludwig.

Of course.

Okay, your turn, Lucia Miles, and your title is now being exhibited on the laser display board.

And here again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Pan's Labyrinth.

Pan's Pan's labyrinth.

So this is a film and it's two words.

Excuse me, could you point me to the La Cruzes?

Well, that is going to be a bit of a mission.

They are on the right, then left, then right, then another left, then left again, then right, then right again.

Then once you've done all that, they are on your right, then left, then left again, and then there they are next to the non-stick tetles.

Okay, so it's right, then left, then left.

Good grief, no.

You can't go right, then left, then left.

Oh, gosh.

I'm sorry.

Only would be, you wake the minor tour.

It's Pan's.

Yeah.

And then left, right, left, right, it's Pan's Labyrinth.

Well, we have one final title for you, Marcus and Harry.

And here once again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

The Diary of Samuel Pepys.

The diary of Samuel Pepys.

This is a book, and it's five words.

Here we go.

August 14th.

To Westminster, where I did spend the day with my lords Moulton and Clarkenwell at the Rose Tavern discussing naval procurement over many pots of ale.

By 11 of the clock, very merry we were, so made our way on foot along Cheapside in search of sustenance, pausing at our favorite wayside vendor for some nourishing kebabs.

We were greeted by his familiar cry of, Hello, Pip

before eating heartily and thence to bed.

I think it is the diary of Samuel Lodzamoney.

Yeah,

the diary of Samuel Summer Pigs it was.

Well done.

Well, it's now time to play a round called cinema or bedroom.

Incidentally, our own Colin Sell was telling us about a recent visit to his local cinema and his fury at having to pay £6.50 for a bucket of popcorn.

He told Nasherette how the last time he'd been to the pictures, he'd paid just 50 pence for the same.

She replied, Well, you're in for a treat, sir.

They've now added colour and sound.

Teams, in this round, I'd like you please to come up with phrases that might be heard both in the bedroom and at the cinema.

So, Marcus, you can start.

Last time I saw this, it had Charlton Heston in it.

Lucy.

I'll need you to shine a torch so I can see where I'll be sitting.

Harry.

scared Potter

Miles.

It was only when the lights came on, I realized there was anyone else here.

Oh,

look at that, a cup holder.

Show me the money

here's Johnny.

I think we should still play the national anthem before the start.

You came in that thing, you're braver than I thought.

This is Gold Leader.

I'm going in.

Prepare for ramming speed.

Just sniffing out for a weed.

You need anything?

When I came with my last boyfriend, he always used to splash out on the pick and mix.

Do you think your parents would enjoy this?

We did it, Sam.

We destroyed the ring.

Well, it's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent.

But first I notice our hallway has been carpet-bombed by a letter.

It comes from a Mrs.

Trellis of North Wales.

She writes, Dear Liam Neeson,

to the person who stole my furniture polish, I will find you.

That is my pledge.

Yours sincerely, Mrs.

Trellis.

Well, on with the game, teams, and so to mark our visit to the West Midlands, we'll be playing the Coventry variation of Mornington Crescent.

Yeah, normal rules apply, though, double diagonals are not scored.

However, in accordance with Midlands protocols, any player contravening Stouffold's second restriction will be declared sneaked and be sent to Coventry for the rest of the game.

So, watch out for that.

Okay, so off we go.

And Miles, you can start.

Kilburn Park.

Oh, did you say Kilburn Park?

Kilburn Park, yeah.

I can't believe

the first opening move that you've made.

And you've...

Miles, you've already contravened Stovall's second restriction.

You can't.

Sorry, you've been.

You can't be sneaked or anything.

Yeah, I'm afraid you are.

I really am sorry, but you've been sent to Coventry, so.

No, no, no.

Rules is rules.

That's it.

Marcus.

It's tricky with the double diagonals, but Edgeware Road.

Yes.

Gospel Oak.

Yes, that's fine, absolutely fine, Lucy.

Baker Street.

Baker Street, okay, yes, yes.

Nice job.

Your first go, isn't it?

Yeah.

Bloody good move, that's amazing.

It doesn't leave me loads of options, but South Kensington.

South Kensington is good, yes.

You are on a diagonal now, so

that's okay, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, if Kilburn Park's a double, surely that's...

Sorry, did someone say something?

Can you hear it?

Yeah, Lucy.

Press on, yeah.

Okay.

Morden.

Morden, good move.

Good move.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

My mum was actually from Westwood.

Oh, we don't care about that.

Can you just hear it?

Harry, Gloucester Road.

Stockwell.

West Rice Lip.

West Rice Slip.

Okay.

Hold your horses, Warwick.

Hold your.

I can let you have that in actual fact because we've already got one down.

My mum would be very proud to.

Yes, I'm sure she would.

Did I mention my mum was from Coventry?

I don't know.

I think you've tried to, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is the version we used to play when I was a child.

It's just nice.

Oh, good.

There's a bit of nostalgia for you.

That's good.

When I was a child, we used to play a version of.

Marcus?

Yes.

What Green Park?

Green Park.

Green Park, good move.

It's my go.

Harry, your goat.

Yeah, it is your go.

It's my go.

I didn't have a go last round.

Neither did I.

Sorry.

Camden Town.

Oh, Camden Town?

We are.

Mornington Crescent.

Yes, yes.

So Miles would have loved that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, welcome back, Miles.

I hope you enjoyed that game.

Got a real sense of how thrilling this is for the audience.

It's now time for a round called marching time.

Who doesn't like a stirring military parade?

I know Miles doesn't.

He was just telling us backstage how much he hates them, especially those given by, and I quote, those Nambi-Pamby softies in the Welsh Guards.

Anyway, the round's based on those movie scenes where a platoon is marching along, chanting a rousing chorus, raising their spirits, and bigging themselves up.

So, platoon, attention by the left.

Wait for it, wait for it.

Quick march.

Okay, teams, in this round, we're going to try out some marching chants for other non-military occupations.

So I'll call out the name of each team in turn, together with the name of a different occupation or group, after which you teams will begin your chant.

First up, Marcus,

and your group will be cyclists.

Okay, two, three, four.

I don't know, but I've been told.

I don't know, but I've been told.

These lycropants look mighty bold.

These lycropants look mighty bold.

When we see a traffic light,

when we see a traffic light, we ride straight through, don't give a shite.

Okay Miles, your group now is Church of England Primary School Heads.

Good news about your application.

Good news about your application.

We'll give your child an education.

So please stop now, you've got the nod.

So please stop now, you've got the nod.

Pretending you believe in God.

And you you now, Harry, your group is vape retailers.

Come and buy a lovely vape.

Come and buy a lovely vape.

Mango, cherry, lime, or grape.

Mango, cherry, lime, or grape.

They're like sweets, but slightly fancier.

They're like sweets, but slightly fancier.

And the cancer you get is even cantier.

Cancer get it is even cancer.

And you now, Lucy, and your group is Gregg's Bakery Workers.

No matter if you're on the doll,

you can afford our sausage roll.

You can afford our sausage roll.

The recipe might well sound heinous.

The recipe might well sound heinous.

If you're not fans of Lips and Anus,

back to you, Marcus.

Your group now is British Skiers.

Oh, good.

At last.

Okay, here we go.

Two, three, four.

About my trips, I always crow.

About my trips, I always crow.

As global warming melts the snow.

As global warming melts the snow.

I'm such a smug and pompous ass.

I'm such a smug and pompous ass.

And soon I'll have to ski on grass.

It's actually quite serious.

And finally, back to you, Harry.

And now the group is Water Company Directors.

We'll send you a massive bill.

We'll send you a massive bill.

What turns into the sea we spill?

What turns into the sea we spill?

All our shareholders will thank us.

All our shareholders will thank us for screwing all you silly wankers.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

There is just time to fit in a quick round of Cricketer's songbook.

Sven is a keen amateur cricketer and vividly recalls the first time he got involved in a game with a group of like-minded lads.

He said he'd successfully managed to squeeze a couple of loose balls through the covers when all of a sudden he was taken from behind and the finger went up.

At that moment he truly knew he was out.

And that was sent him from Angela Ripon.

I suppose I should give her the credit.

Well in this round, teams, I'd like you to suggest for us the titles of songs likely to prove popular with an audience of cricket fans.

You can start this one, Miles.

Getting to know you.

Harry.

I can see brilliant now.

The rain has gone.

Lucy.

Beno, is it me you're looking for?

Marcus.

My stumps.

My stumps, my lovely lady stumps.

Take me home, John T.

Rhodes.

And she's buying a stairway to Hidden Lee.

Pearl's a spinner.

Yes, sir.

I can googly.

Like Trent Bridge over troubled water.

She's an easy cover.

We don't have to take Gower's clothes off to have a good time.

Amazing, WG Grace.

I'm Vorni.

Vorny, Vorni, Vawney.

I got 99 problems, but my pitch ain't one.

I girls do, do, do, push my

shake a tree.

Get your box off, get your box off, honey.

That's good, isn't it?

Any more?

We've got a couple more?

I'll let you do both of them.

It's live and leg by.

Bradman.

Well, it could have been Batman, really, couldn't it?

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the tide of time bears away the turds of eternity and the wild swimmer of serenity emerges with the foul-smelling fake tan of fate,

I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Warwick, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Miles Jupp, Marcus Brigstock, Lucy Porter, and Harry Enfield were being given silly things to do by Jack D, with Province L setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steen and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Mae Smith.