Series 83 - 3. Is It A Bird?

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Deed.

Hello and welcome to.

I'm sorry, I haven't a clue.

You join us this week on a visit to Warwick.

Warwick's magnificent castle was originally built to ward off attacks from the north and features a hole in the gateway through which the defenders would throw rocks, hot water, and boiling oil at the invading hordes.

They did eventually stop using boiling oil after they found it was actually attracting northerners keen to make chips.

In the 16th century, Warwick Castle served as the temporary home to an elephant from a travelling circus.

An elephant was an unheard-of sight in those days, and the creature attracted a huge crowd drawn from all over the West Midlands.

Indeed, it remained the biggest recorded crowd in the region until March this year, when a bin lorry was spotted in Birmingham.

Warwick's Market Hall Museum boasts a live observation beehive where you can actually see the drones and workers making honey.

There's even a section where visitors can sit and watch the Queen as she sleeps, known as the Michael Fagan experience.

Yeah, one for the teenagers now, isn't it?

Let's meet the teams.

On my left, please welcome Miles Jubb and Lucy Porter.

Porter.

And on my right, Marcus Brigstock and Harry Enfield.

And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Well, we begin this week with a round that's all about books.

A misplaced letter can be ruinous to the success of a book, as was borne out by the disappointing sales figures following publication of Thomas Hardy's The MILF on the Floss.

And similar is true for the authors themselves.

So, teams, in this round, I'd like you, please, to suggest the names of certain well-known authors for whom the simple change of a single letter would have proved ruinous.

You can start this one, Marcus.

P.G.

Woodlaus,

Lucy.

Barbara Fartland.

Harry.

David Wally, I am.

Miles.

Muriel Spank.

Sir Arthur Conan Doily.

Oscar Mild.

Leo Toy Story.

Fartin Amis.

Neville Scheid.

Jilly Pooper

Salman Kushdi

The Irish Chekhov Anton Fekov

I was going to change one letter of Kurt Vonnegut, but I don't think we'll get it on.

Did you have another one?

Who's yes?

You can go for it then, go Terry Batchett.

I've got another one.

God, please.

Piles jup.

I've got another one.

You've got it.

Jack Wee.

Well, this next round is called word for word, and it's all about words.

Every year, more than 3,000 new words and phrases are added to the Cambridge Dictionary, the latest being the word mid, which is defined as describing something that is mediocre, unimpressive, or disappointing.

But of course, I don't need to tell that to the audience here in Warwick, many of whom will have lived their entire lives in the Midlands.

Miles is laughing, and he wrote it.

In this round, each team takes it in turn to exchange a series of words while the opposing team should challenge if they detect a connection between any of these words.

Okay, I'd like you to start exchanging completely unconnected words, Marcus and Harry.

Lucy and Miles, it's your job to try to spot a connection.

If I uphold a challenge, I'll ask you to take over, and so on.

Off you go, please.

Marcus and Harry.

Bubble wrap,

battleship, apple juice, cashew, Winky.

Lucy, cashew, winky, something you want to tell us?

I mean, you've seen where I'm going.

I have seen a winky that looks like a cashew.

Salted or dry-roasted?

I'm not sure I'm going to give you that challenge.

I think we try and take it up a notch

cerebrally.

Shall we try and just try and give it a little bit of cleanup now?

So back to you, Harry and Marcus.

Divan.

Filter.

Punky Tugs.

Solid.

Curtain Rod.

Funnel.

Miles, curtain rod, funnel.

Absolutely disgusting.

Would you like to explain why?

I don't think it needs explaining, Jack.

You're probably right.

Well, I'll, on this occasion, I will accept that

the challenge of curtain rod and funnel.

Back to you, Miles and Lucy.

Cottage.

Whip it.

Threat.

Marcus, what two words was that?

Threat and whip it.

I mean, I went to boarding school, so those two words are

firmly linked in my mind.

So

constant threat from the lower fifth.

Yeah.

Please be careful not to trigger other panellists while you're playing this game.

I'm surprised Miles could get the words out to me.

Okay, well, I'll accept that.

Over to you, Harry and Marcus.

Tonka.

Flounce.

Squid.

Byro.

Cartwheel.

Trans-Siberian.

Binbag.

Miles, Trans-Siberian Binbag?

Well, they must exist.

Technically, most of the things mentioned do exist.

No, but as a coupling, they must exist.

You must get them on the Trans-Siberian.

Get bin bags.

And if you get on the Trans-Siberian Railway, for instance, presumably they have they have bins, don't they?

And the bins would have bags in them, so when people cook their empty apple juice cartons or something.

Yes,

I see your point if you really want to suck all the fun out of it.

I've been on the Trans-Siberian Railway.

And can you tell me no bin bags?

No bin bags.

No bin bags.

I don't want to turn on my own teammate here, but we don't say that anymore.

You just say Siberian.

For those both reasons, I think we can't allow the challenge.

So it is back to Harry and Marcus.

And the gong tells us that

everyone's had enough.

Our next round is called, Is It a Bird?

I'm going to play the team some sound effects and all they have to do is to tell me if the sound is made by a bird and if so which one.

It's a simple concept and if you'd like to have fun playing it at home, I'd suggest a game of whist.

So teams, fingers on buzzers, here we go with sound number one.

Yes, Harry.

That's a buzzard.

No, that was your buzzer, Harry.

Any other thoughts?

Tit!

I know, but it's his first time playing, so long.

Any more guesses?

No, well,

that was a hen pheasant.

Try this one.

Yes, Marcus.

That's Jimmy Carr laughing.

Shall you hear it again?

Lucy?

That's a bird, and I think it's reversing.

Well, well spotted Lucy, it's actually an Egyptian goose, not to be confused with a Canada goose, which of course is an overpriced anorak.

How about this one?

Marcus, you buzzed?

Yeah, I mean that sounds like a bird I want to went out with.

Monotonous, you went out with an Atlantic puffin.

Yeah, yeah, Harry.

You ain't allowed to call them birds no more.

What with PC gone mad?

You've got to call them women.

Well, yeah, Harry is right, Marcus.

We must try to be a little bit more politically correct.

It is woman, not bird.

So, teams, what woman is making this noise?

Yes, Marcus.

Well, that sounds like the wife.

It was actually the grey go-away bird.

See?

Told you.

Jack,

could I have a turn?

Very well, Miles.

Is that a seagull?

No, it's a turn, like you asked for.

Okay.

How about this one?

Lucy.

It sounds Russian.

I'm going to say it's not a bird.

Well, you're wrong.

It's a starlind.

All right, how about this one?

Miles?

Pigeon.

I need a bit more than that, please.

You want to hear it again?

Wood pigeon.

It is a wood pigeon, yes, yes.

How about this one?

Clay pigeon.

Yeah, excellent.

And what about these?

Harry, I think those are corncrakes.

Yeah, easy easy mistake.

They're actually Frosties.

So here's a tricky one.

Listen to this.

It's Lucy.

It's a cookerborough.

Why did you say that?

Because you don't hear them in this country.

Nice try.

It was a mute swan.

And the next one?

Ah!

Ah!

Mute!

Dummy Nabelle.

Harry.

I think that's a carry-on crow.

Very good.

Very good, yes.

I mean, just altogether when you're clapping or not at all.

And finally, what do you make of this?

Harry.

Yeah, I don't think that's a bird.

Well, you're wrong.

It's actually a common shag.

Well, this next round is called The Symptoms, and it's all about the world of medicine.

In this round, the teams will assume the role of doctors and patients suffering from an imaginary medical condition, and you can be our first patients, Lucy and Miles.

The identity of your mystery medical condition is now being displayed to our theatre audience via the laser display screen and the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Lucy and Miles think they're light bulbs.

Lucy and Miles think they're light bulbs.

Off you go, please, Lucy and Miles.

Do come in.

Thanks so much for seeing me.

How are you?

Well, you're looking well.

How are your stools?

They are relentless.

Well, firstly, doctors, I've been a bit off and on lately.

I'm very low energy.

I've sort of

lost some of my natural glow.

I mean I used to go out every night doctor.

But you do still get turned on.

I do.

But I'm more cautious now.

A friend of mine went out one night and he got blown then dumped in the same evening.

Oh no, you must have been shattered.

No, I mean, life can be very cruel.

The other day, out of nowhere, a bloke just grabbed me and twisted me around.

Oh my God, what happened?

Well, you got quite a shock.

I'm not surprised.

You must have felt quite wobbly afterwards.

I did, but all I needed was a very gentle screw

from a man on a ladder.

Dr.

Enfield, it is my considered opinion that our patients believe themselves to be light bulbs.

Okay, well, it's your turn to be patients now, Harry and Marcus.

And the identity of your mystery medical condition will now be displayed to the audience via the laser display board.

While here again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Harry and Marcus think they're golf balls.

Harry and Marcus think they're golf balls.

Off you go when you're ready.

Do come in, do come in.

Thank you.

You actually look very well.

You've got lovely rosy cheeks.

Well, actually, to be honest, doctors, actually, we're both feeling a little under par.

Yeah.

I think it may be our diet.

For me, it's far too many chips.

I'm more of a wedges man.

right.

And I'm sorry to say we both suffered several strokes.

It's a shame things have been going so well.

Yeah, we were taken clubbing by these chaps.

Great bunch of lads, very sexually liberated.

I think all of them swung both ways.

We were invited to take part in our first Forsom, weren't we?

Yes, yes, we were.

It was Foresomes only that day, I believe.

I don't think I'd ever seen so many members out in the fresh air.

Hell of a sight.

Beautiful.

It certainly was.

A wild day out.

I was blown everywhere.

Yes.

And of course, you usually enjoy a bit of rough, don't you?

Yes, indeed, I do.

But I tell you, after the 18th hole, I was completely shattered, didn't I?

I think you both suffer from appalling golf.

Is that right?

Golf, golf, besides.

You think you are golfers,

golf balls, golf bags?

Well, the next round is all about the world of broadcasting.

As the population ages, terrestrial UK broadcasters are increasingly focusing their output on the older generation.

But to survive into the future, all broadcasters are acutely conscious of the need to attract the young.

With this in mind, teams, I'd like you to suggest suggest continuity announcements for certain radio and TV programs that you think might make the shows more appealing to our country's youth.

You can start this one, please, Marcus.

Sugar puffs, shreddies, crunching up cornflakes, one of them bad boys is going to be this week's classic cereal.

Harry, stay tuned for man's top tips for picking up chicks.

That's farming today, next on the radio form,

Let's see.

She's lang, she's peng, she's full of res.

It's Kirsty Lang with Round Bretton Quiz.

Miles.

Next on BBC One, the game show where we invite you to guess which member of your county lines chain is most likely to grasp to the feds.

Let's play the weakest link.

Oh, my days.

Somebody shank these bloods in the ass.

Now they've got dead ringers.

Next stop, it's repair shop, innit, where they get stuff, and people bring in stuff and stuff, and they mend the stuff.

And then, when people see what they've done to the stuff, it makes them cry.

So it can't be very good, can it?

You got strong weeds.

Don't worry about it, gardeners.

Question time next.

Don't miss the new drama on Channel 5, where everything looks massive or whatever.

That's all creatures, great and small.

Wake up, youth listeners.

Right, time to wake up, because it's P.M.

with Evan Davis.

Now Now, for just a minute, where you have to spend 60 seconds accounting for your whereabouts to the feds without hesitation, repetition, or grassing.

Coming up on Radio 4, this fam don't care whose turf she treads on, she ain't afraid of no filth.

That's rambling with Claire Bald.

And now on Radio 4, a special youth edition of the Shipping Forecast.

A German bite.

Thames, White, Portland, Plymouth, and Dover.

Just when you thought that the shipping was over.

Yo,

hey, Bisco,

hey,

you better get ready.

Coming up like Monday.

Trafalgar, Fitzroy, Saul and Lundy, Fast Net, Irish, Shannon, and Rockall.

Sorry, you don't get your forecast because I don't know f ⁇ .

Okay, on to the next round.

Last night I visited an award-winning Coventry-based gastro pub and asked the waiter to talk me through the specials.

He said it was basically Terry Hall and Neville Staples and Bo Conservancy Radiation on guitar.

Which puts me in mind of a musical round called Songstoppers.

In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs.

It's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

At the piano we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, Colin was recently mentioned in a very positive review from a music critic who revealed how at Colin's last gig he was given the best seat in the house in the Indian restaurant next door.

Okay, you can go first, please, Lucy and Miles.

Can we have your medley of first lines now?

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me.

Good grief, it's detachable.

Ooh, ah, just a little bit.

Ooh, ah, a little bit more.

Ooh, ah, just a little bit.

I cannot believe it takes you this long to Parallel Park.

I may not always love you.

Can you just say the vows we agreed on?

Would you dance

if I asked you to dance?

would you run

and never look back?

Would you cry

if you saw me crying?

Would you save my soul

tonight?

Hand on heart, probably not.

Love and marriage, love and marriage

go together like a horse and carriage.

This, I tell you, brother.

You and I can only get married in Norfolk.

You know I can't smile

without you.

I can't smile without you.

I can't laugh and I can't sing.

I'm finding it hard to do anything.

I think that's actually the Botox.

It's your turn now, Harry and Marcus.

Can we have your first line medley, please?

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Are you ready?

Yes, I am.

I'd like the spaghetti bolognese and a type.

It's a little bit funny.

Tesla stocks continued their slump today.

Amazing

grace,

how sweet the sound

that saved

a wretch like me.

I once was lost,

but now

I'm found

was blind,

but now

I see.

And this is why the government have had to cut your disability benefit.

Red, red wine

goes to my head,

makes me forget that I

drive a school bus.

It won't be easy, you'll think it's strange.

Well, all right, but plenty of lube.

Nothing you can do, cause I'm stuck like glue to my guy.

Well, then I'll have to put you both on the bonfire.

Loving you isn't the right thing to do.

And so ladies and gentlemen, as the tyrannical tariffs of time sink the stock market of serenity on the express orders of the irredeemable arsehole of eternity,

I notice it's the end of the show.

So from the team, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Warwick, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Finals Jock, Garcas Brigstock, Lucy Porter and Harry Enfield were being given silly things to do by Jack D with Common Cells setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick.

And the producer was John Maismith.