Series 82 - Episode 4

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to, I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us this week on a return visit to the Hampshire town of Basingstoke.

Whose inspiring civic motto is Only 20 Miles to Reading.

Ruth Ellis, the last woman to be hanged in the UK, grew up here.

In 1955, the Home Secretary offered to commute her death sentence to life in prison.

Ellis turned the offer down as having been brought up in Basingstoke, she already knew knew what a life sentence was like.

At 83 meters high, Faynham House has for many years been the tallest building in Basingstoke and headquarters of the AA for the past 50 years.

I myself am a member of the AA and I have to say I do find the service variable.

Only the other morning my car wouldn't start, so I called the AA for advice and was told, probably crap in your fuel filter, mate.

I did, and completely ruined a very nice pair of shoes.

Europe's largest banana-ripening warehouse is in Basingstoke.

So well done, you

Owned by Fife's, it can accommodate over 2,000 tons of bananas at any one time.

Interestingly, Basingstoke's banana ripening warehouse is right next door to Asda's Avocado Hardening Depot.

A plaque in Basingstoke's South View Cemetery commemorates a tragic incident that took place in 1674 when a local woman, Alice Blundon, was buried alive not once but twice.

It was only when her body was exhumed the second time that she finally passed away, doubtless from the shock that what she hoped was heaven looked remarkably like Basingstoke.

And talking of people dying more than once in Basingstoke,

let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Miles Jupp and Rachel Paris.

On my left, Marcus Prigstock and Henning Bain.

And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Well, we begin this week with a round that's all about quotations.

I notice Mountain Warehouse have recently turned to Shakespeare to help shift their camping equipment in the January sales.

Now is the winter of our discount tents.

That's classy.

Show your face.

And I was pleased to see the great Muhammad Ali referenced by the UK Cystitis Support Association in their slogan, float like a butterfly, stings when I pee.

Okay.

Okay, the round's called Celebrity Misquotes, Teams, and in it, I'd like you, please, to suggest things that well-known people alive or dead would never have said.

And we'll start with you, please, Miles.

Craig Revelle Horwood.

Do you know what?

I liked it.

Henning.

J.

Cobb Reese Mock, we really must stop living in the past.

Rachel.

Claudia Winkleman, bless that hairdresser.

I can see.

Marcus.

Yes, this is a David Attenborough quote.

And there we see what must surely be one of the finest sights in nature: a magnificent 16-pointer royal stag,

and that supper sorted.

His Holiness the Pope.

I'll take three of the ribbed, please.

Frankie Boyle.

Hello, boys and girls, welcome to Blue Peter.

Chris Packham.

I mean, there are a lot of badgers, aren't there?

Nigela Lawson, whatever you do, don't put too much cream in.

Rebecca Vardy.

I tell you what, let's not get lawyers involved.

The CEO of Ticketmaster.

No, no, that's all included.

Prince Andrew, another interview.

Oh, gosh, I'd love to.

Boris Johnson.

Oh, no,

That one was a

lie.

Time for a musical round now as I ask the teams to sing one song to the tune of another.

At the piano, we have Colin Sow.

Incidentally, Colin tells us that he's not afraid to try new things and once sampled Atomic Kitten.

He says he won't be rushing back to that North Korean restaurant anytime soon.

Okay, we'll start with you, Miles Jup.

I'd like you to sing the words of the old wartime classic Hey Little Hen to the tune of Your Song by Elton John.

I had a lot of chickens,

a large chicken run,

but

owing to conditions I am

now down to one.

I give her all the tidbits, the

dear little thing.

And just to keep her up to scratch, I go to her and sing.

Hey little hen, when, when, when will you lay an egg for my tea?

Hey, little hen, when, when, when will you supply one for me?

Get into your nest, do your little best,

get it off your chest,

I can

earth.

Hey, little hen.

Well, I liked it, Marge.

You now, Henning Vein, I'd like you to sing the words of So Macho by Sunita

to the tune of the German national anthem.

Think that's actually treason, but

I don't want no seven stone wheeling, or a boy who thinks he's a girl.

I'm after an hunk of a gun, an experienced man of the world.

Are you struggling there, Colin?

There ain't no way that I'll make do with anything.

Less than I'm used to

if I have a man

tonight.

It's gonna be right, right, right.

So much so

much so

Well done.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Actually, not, no, no, not thank you.

On to you, Marcus Brigstock.

I'd like you to sing the words of A Fire Starter by the Prodigy to the tune of If I Only Had a Brain from the Wizard of Oz.

I

am the trouble starter, a punkin instigator, I'm the fear addicted.

The danger illustrated, hey, hey, I'm a fire starter, a twisted fire starter.

Hey, hey, you're a fire starter, a twisted fire starter.

I'm a fire starter.

I'm the bitch that you hated, to filth infatuated I'm the pain you tasted

fell

intoxicated

Hey, hey, I'm a fire starter

A twisted fire starter Hey, hey, you're

a fire starter

A twisted fire starter I'm the self-inflicted mind detonator

I'm the one infected, a twisted animator.

Hey, hey, I'm a fire starter.

And finally, Rachel Parrish, I'd like you to sing the words of Aitroi Tuis Puditat to the tune of Bonnie Tyler's holding out for a hero.

I am a tiny, tiny bird, my name is Treaty Pie.

I live inside my birdcage, I hang him way up high.

I like to swing up on my bunch and sing my little song.

But there's a tat that's after me and it won't leave me alone.

I told it to ah, a pudding tether creeping up on me.

I did, I told a bird and died as plain as any could be.

I am that great big,

big battle card, Sylvester is my name.

I only have one aim in life, and that is very plain to catch that little boy.

Gotta think Henning won that round.

Well, this next round is called word for word, and it's all about words.

In this round, each team takes it in turn to exchange a series of words, while the opposing team should challenge if they detect a connection between any of these words.

Okay, so I'd like you to start exchanging completely unconnected words, Miles and Rachel.

Marcus and Henning, it's your job to try to spot a connection.

If I uphold the challenge, I'll ask you to take over and so on.

So off you go, please.

Miles and Rachel.

Blue, roll plug, rapid, bechamel,

peerage,

Marcus,

Peerage and Bechamel.

Lord Beshamel

was appointed as part of Liz Truss's departure honours.

He donated a pint of Beshamel sauce

to Liz Truss herself and she put him in the Lords.

And that's true, is it?

It depends whether you believe the whole Liz Truss thing happened, Jack.

I'm still, I have my doubts, but yeah.

Okay, I'm prepared to allow that.

I'll allow over to you, Marcus and Henning.

Change.

Craven.

Cheerful.

Radiator.

Dawn.

Patonk.

Miles, radiator dawn, do you think?

Was it dawn or dawn?

Dawn.

Dawn.

Oh, well, it's less of a strong challenge.

But I'm going to try it anyway.

You could buy both radiators and dawns in a hardware shop.

It would have worked,

but

I can see why this looks weak, but

I have to go through it.

Don't radiators usually come on at dawn, wouldn't you say?

Maybe about, yeah, about.

I'm trying to help people.

Okay, so what?

Yes, yes, they do.

Yes, I'm going to give you that, Miles.

Yes, yes, that's right.

Over to you, Miles and Rachel.

Concrete.

Cleft.

Tissue.

Cleft tissue, Marcus.

Please, please be careful when you answer this.

I thought it spoke for itself, to be honest.

It's one of the most unfortunate plumbers incidents I've ever had.

Yes, Henning, you've come in with a challenge.

In the first round, they had to roll plug and then blue.

And sometimes roll plugs, they can come in the colour blue.

You can't but date a challenge.

Well done Henning for so quickly jumping on that

really really lightning reactions.

I can see you hosting just a minute anytime soon.

I'm going to allow Marcus's challenge so it's over to Marcus and Henning.

Just as it was becoming such fun

this next round is a quiz based on what I think whenever I turn on my television.

It's called Too Many Cooks.

And

the best of the chefs, in my opinion, is Jamie Oliver.

Only last week I watched a charming video of Jamie in his kitchen making a delicious-looking salad with Rocket, Rodicio, Lollo Rosso, and Little Jen.

I think his fifth child must have been at school.

Okay.

Okay, well on with the round teams and it is all about cooks.

So fingers on buzzers, here we go.

What are you said to do if you prepare a hot meal?

Miles.

Cook.

Correct.

Fill in the missing word in the title of the TV program, Can't Cook Won't Blank.

Marcus.

Cook.

Very good.

Yes, it is.

On we go.

Fill in the missing word in the title of this TV program, Can't blank, won't cook.

Rachel.

Cook?

Well done, Rachel.

That's right, yes.

Yeah.

What do criminals who've had their R's removed, what are they called?

Henning.

Criminals?

No, no, no, Henning.

It's it's cooks.

Never mind.

Better luck next time.

What do you do to the books if you make false financial entries?

Marcus.

Cook?

Yes, of course you do, yes.

What do you call people who work with celebrity chef Ainslie Harriet?

Miles?

Cooks.

Absolutely.

Fanny Cradek was a famous television what?

Rachel.

Cook.

Ah, that's right, Rachel.

Jolly well done.

Well done again.

What was the name of the captain who first discovered Australia?

Henning.

I know it.

Is it by any chance Cook?

No, it was the Dutch captain Wilhelm Jantz.

What is the surname of an England Test cricketer whose first name is Alastair?

Marcus?

Cook.

That's right.

That's right.

Which other Alastair wrote a letter from America?

Miles.

Cook.

Yes.

What is the surname of the actor Ron Cook?

Rachel.

Cook?

Yes.

Really got the hang of this haven't you Rachel?

Well done.

The islands in the southwest Pacific Ocean approximately 2,000 kilometers to the northeast of Australia are known as what islands Henning?

Cook Islands.

No, it's the Solomon Islands.

Yeah, the Cook Islands are actually in the South Pacific Ocean, northeast of New Zealand, between American Samurai and French Polynesia.

Yeah, well that deserves an extra point,

nobody likes a smart ass, do they, Miles?

No.

What does nobody like, Miles?

Cooks.

Excellent!

One point to Miles.

Thank you, teams.

Well, the next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs, and it's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

At the piano, we have Colin Sow.

Incidentally, Colin is often asked if there's a secret to achieving perfect pitch, and his answer may surprise you.

Apparently, it's 60% bitumen and 40% coal tar.

You can start, please, Marcus and Henning.

Can we have your medley of first first lines now, please?

You're so vain.

You probably think the song is about you.

Well, you did put my name in the title.

Round, round, get around, I get around.

Colin, Holland, try to play in tune.

Round, round, get around, I get around.

This is the first one you've got in since the pub opened.

Close your eyes,

have no fear.

Now, hang on, are you sure you're a qualified driving instructor?

What's new pussycat?

Can I just double-check that you knew you were singing that one

and a fine job I made.

Yes, yes, sir.

I agree.

When I'm on fire, I'm on fire.

Don't give me ideas.

What's new, pussy catch?

A decapitated pigeon.

Time takes a cigarette,

puts it in your mouth,

you pull on your finger,

then another finger.

Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.

But hang on, that's my diabetes medicine.

You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips,

And there's no tenderness

like before in your fingertips

Marcus, I honestly think you should bury her

Your turn now, Miles and Rachel.

Can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

I drove all night

to get to you.

Is that all right?

It's literally the minimum I expect for my AA membership.

I put a spell on you

because you're mine.

Well, that's not a spell, spell, that's Morse code.

I ain't got no home, ain't got no shoes,

ain't got no money, ain't got no glass,

ain't got no skirts, ain't got no sweater,

ain't got no perfume, ain't got no bed.

And the same question to number three, please, Scylla.

If I said you had a beautiful party, would you hold it against me?

If I said you had a smackable face, would you mind if I punched you?

Tengs to feel like gladinik.

Don't tell him, Pike!

Love is like a butterfly, soft and gentle as a sigh.

The multicolored moods of love are like its set in wings.

That's got it.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

But there is just time to fit in a quick round of middle-class film club.

Samantha is something of a crossword aficionado and enjoys regular evening sessions with a group of elderly gentlemen friends and the pick of the day's cryptic crosswords.

They show her the clues in the the hope that she can help.

Some she says she can pull off straight away while others just won't come.

In fact, she often takes the hardest ones home with her and finishes them off in bed.

And I should say thank you to Sophie Raworth for sending that one in.

In this round, teams, I'd like you please to suggest the names of films likely to be popular with the middle classes.

You can start, Rachel.

Desperately Seeking Poussin.

Heming.

The hunt for red cordroy trousers.

Miles.

The Gleinborn identity.

Marcus.

The Lamb shank reduction.

The Count of Montessori.

Heaven convitrals.

A bridge tofu

when Harrow met Surrey.

Thoroughly Bowdoin Millie.

The Foresights Aga

Some like it, Aldente.

Look who's Tarquin.

Dude, where's my car, Pacio?

Full metal Gilet

Whilst you were sleeping.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the tremendous turbulence of time surprises the airline pilot of incompetence and the mile-high clubbers of calamity are rendered unconscious by the toilet ceiling of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Basingstoke, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Miles Jupp, Marcus Prigstock, Rachel Parris and Henning Vane were being given silly things to do by Jack D with Conninsell setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steen and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Maismith.