Series 82 - Episode 3

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack D.

Hello and welcome to, I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us today on our visit to the Hampshire town of Basingstoke.

Dr.

Johnson famously said, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.

This is the follow-up to his original epigram, when a man is tired of Basingstoke, he's been there for about half an hour.

In the 1990s, a public sculpture was erected in the heart of Basingstoke shopping district.

Due to its location and appearance, the statue was quickly dubbed the Woat Street Willie.

The statue was originally created by sculptor Michael Peglar as part of a matching pair, with one located in its current position in Woat Street and the other by Basingstoke Canal.

The canalside statue was subsequently removed by the council after it became the target of obscene graffiti by local youths.

Thus, sadly, today, it's only the Woat Street Willie that remains and not the St.

John's Lock Cock.

Basingstoke's most famous landmark is the 18-storey Faynham House, the headquarters of the Automobile Association.

The move by car manufacturers towards greener technology has been met head-on by the AA, and only last year it launched a new breakdown service solely for small electric cars, the AAA.

The Basingstoke Tourist Information Centre closed in 2006 and by doing so deprived potential visitors of its new multi-million pound advertising campaign.

Basingstoke, it's a bit better than Bracknell.

Basing Stokes Sainsbury Gallery regularly plays host to major art exhibitions, including new works by the likes of David Hockney and Bridget Riley.

One wealthy collector who purchased a Hockney original from the Sainsbury Gallery was thrilled to come away with 750,000 nectar points

which amounts to an impressive 12p.

Unusually for a town of its size, Basingstoke has five branches of Greggs.

The high street bakers are always packed with hungry locals happily enjoying sausage rolls and steak bakes.

A sixth Greggs is scheduled to open in 2025, just as soon as Berkshire and North Hans Hospital gets a bigger cardiology department.

The nearby village of Dummer was the birthplace of Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, and I hear Netflix are making a film about her time there called Dum and Dummer.

A local legend of Basingstoke, remembered fondly by all who knew him, was Archie Smith, better known as Mr.

Clappy.

For many years, Mr.

Clappy stood at the top of the town, singing and clapping.

Of course, it didn't take a genius to come up with the nickname Mr.

Clappy.

What it actually took was a data breach at the local STD clinic.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, we've got Gamiles Darp and Rachel Parris.

And on my left, Marcus Prixtock and Henning Bain.

And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me, please welcome our resident tree trunk in trunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms.

For example, many people struggle to understand the difference between photographs and Polaroids.

Well, a photograph is an image made using a camera which is focused onto light-sensitive material and then made visible through the application of chemicals.

Whereas Polaroids are what Eskimos get from sitting on the ice.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, team.

So your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Marcus, you can start.

Trimmer, an earthquake in New Zealand.

Rachel.

Auntie Skid.

Your cousin.

Henning.

Gastronome.

Tiny publican.

Wells.

Pleasantry.

Just a very nice tree.

Tadpole, slightly Polish.

Aspic, a photo of your bum.

Rampant, undergarment for male sheep.

Pillory,

something like the Parthenon would be

Kidney, leg joint of a young person.

Nepalese, an ointment for joggers.

Geranium, German uranium.

Raconteur, a series of performances around the country with a medieval instrument of torture.

Cognac, it looks like a yak, but it isn't.

Parakeets, the military wing of the romantic poets.

Okay, the teams are going to sing along to some well-known songs in the round called Pick Up Song.

In this round, Sven will spin the discs and each of you will sing along until Sven turns the music down.

If on its return you're within a gnat's crotchet of the original, I'll be awarding points and points mean a frankly riscible exercise in mass hysteria.

What do points mean?

Prize!

And this week's prize is the perfect curry dish for Gen Z.

It's this chicken tikka taka masala.

Henning Vane, you're to start.

They're taking the piss.

I'd like you to accompany German troop trio singing da da da.

One,

two,

three.

Aha.

demeanors.

You might not know, but we actually have a word for that in English,

rubbish.

Okay, your next Marcus Brigstock, I'd like you to accompany Bob Dylan singing his Christmas classic, Must Be Santa.

Must be Santa, Santa Claus.

Who wears boots in a suit of red?

Santa wears boots and a suit of red.

Who wears a long cap on his head?

Santa wears a long cap on his head.

Cap on head, suit that's red.

Special night, beard that's white.

Must be Santa, must be Santa.

Santa, must be Santa, Santa Rosa.

Miles Jup, your term, would you accompany the band Aha singing Take on Me?

I don't know what I have to say I'll say it anyway

Today is another day to find you shying away

Oh, I'll be coming for your love, okay?

Hey, take

on

me

Take

me

on

me

I'll be

gone

in a day or two

Miles, miles, miles job there, and of course, all the audience here singing along,

exposing what an entertainment desert Basingstoke must be.

Finally, Rachel Paris, would you please accompany Mariah Carey singing All I Want for Christmas is You.

I

don't want a lot this Christmas.

There's just one thing I need.

I don't care about the presents

underneath the Christmas tree.

I just want you for my own.

More than you could ever know.

Make my wish come true.

All I

want for Christmas

is

you.

I don't want a lot for Christmas.

Christmas.

There is just one thing I need.

I don't care about the presents.

Underneath the grace.

Underneath the present.

Thank you.

Thank you, Rachel.

I couldn't have sung it better myself.

Well, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Sherads.

The game is all about miming the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotions without words.

A recent survey by the actors union Equity claimed that at any given time, up to 80% of actors aren't actually working.

Although on Channel Falls Hollyoaks, this figure can often be as high as 100%.

In our version of Sheradz, team members are permitted to use their voices.

So Miles and Rachel, you're to start start, please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here is the mystery voice: Deadwood.

Deadwood.

Off you go, please, Miles and Rachel.

It's a TV show.

It's one.

One word.

I'm afraid we have a problem with the Deadwood tour.

What, they've pulled out of it?

No, they're determined to do it.

Well, that is a problem.

Gets worse, I'm afraid.

They've both come out in a terrible rash, and they want to change their name.

A rash?

I mean, change their name to what?

Redwood.

Well, I suppose.

Well, it gets worse than that.

They've been confined to their bed.

Bedwood, then?

Yeah.

I suppose so.

Hello?

Oh, I see.

Goodbye.

I'm afraid it's very bad news.

They've died.

I think I've got it.

Good, because I don't.

It's Deadwood.

Okay, your turn, Marcus and Henning.

Your title is now being exhibited on the laser display board.

And here again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

What we do in the shadows.

What we do in the shadows.

Okay, this is a TV show and a film, and it's six words.

Oh, morning, Hank.

Morning, Cliff.

You up to much?

The usual.

Playing guitar, wearing a big pair of glasses,

starting off facing in one direction and taking a big step and turning to face the other way.

How are you?

Yeah, well, bit of news actually got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, talking, living doll.

Well, that's good, that should stop all those rumours.

What were they called?

Cliff and Marks.

The shadows.

Oh, oh, is it what we do in the shadows?

Okay, well this next game is called random reviews.

Many trip advisor reviews can be completely damning, yet some organisations seem immune.

Take this review.

3,248 visitors by the end of 2020 and not a single return booking.

And yet, despite it, you'll be amazed to learn that Dignitas is still going strong.

Teams, in this round, I shall present you with a selection of genuine internet reviews.

Your job is to correctly identify to what the review is referring.

Start with you, please.

Miles, can you tell us to what this review is referring?

Bought this to put on a grave.

Works well.

Change of a dress label?

It was a Christmas wreath for a front door on Amazon.

Rachel, how about this one?

Can you tell us what's being reviewed?

Disappointed to find the star was crooked.

The US Apprentice.

We've actually an inflatable nativity scene.

Henning, how about this?

What's being reviewed?

Unfortunately, did not agree with me at all.

HMRC.

It was a review for a Panettone on Amazon.

I mean, who buys Panettone on Amazon?

Marcus, how about this?

What's being reviewed?

It's cheap and not very well constructed, but I can't wait to blow it up.

Slough?

It was an inflatable Rudolph Antler hat.

Miles, another one, what's being referred to here?

You certainly get a lot of sheets for your money.

Mexican tinned prunes?

It was actually Christmas Windows snowflake stickers.

Rachel, how about this one?

What's being reviewed?

Leaked water all over the floor from where the legs are attached.

Home birth.

It was a review for a Christmas tree stand on Amazon.

Henning, what's this a review for?

Got these for the garden but can hardly see them.

Land mines.

Keeping it nice and Christmassy.

Thank you, Henning.

It was actually for outdoor Christmas fairy lights on Amazon.

And finally, Marcus, what do you imagine is being reviewed here?

Got this for my partner, who is German and is delighted.

Poland?

It was actually Nutcracker Soldier.

Okay, here is some for any of you to have a go at.

A bit tight for larger cats, but certainly gave everyone some festive cheer.

Air fryer.

It was a review for a Santa outfit for a cat.

How about this?

What's being reviewed here?

Hot and extremely moorish.

Oh, I know.

It was actually a review on Ocado for the chili rice crackers.

How about this?

Disappointing and the constant spitting didn't help.

Colin Cell live in concert.

It was actually a review for a bag of hardwood logs for fire on Amazon.

And finally, unfortunately, it arrived in two pieces.

Post-war Germany.

It's in fact, it was a Christmas tree fairy on Amazon.

Okay, well, this next game, School Orchestra, celebrates the recorder, or to give it its Japanese name, Shakunaki, or torture stick.

The recorder is believed to have evolved from the older penny whistle, whose leading practitioner, Stanley Roberts, was taken seriously unwell recently during a performance in South London after he accidentally swallowed part of his whistle whilst performing a jig.

Emergency services were called, but he sadly passed away at St.

George's Hospital, Tooting.

In the round round school orchestra teams, I shall furnish you each with the sorts of musical instrument you might expect to find in a typical primary school orchestra.

And with much too little rehearsal, I'd like you to perform for us a rendition of Silent Night.

Our school orchestra will feature Rachel Paris and Marcus Brigstock on the recorder, Miles Jopp on the tambourine, and Henning Vane on the triangle.

And providing

piano accompaniment, we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, Colin was telling us at a recent solo concert at London's Wigmore Hall, he took to the stage half an hour late.

And here's me thinking Colin doesn't do requests.

So when you're ready, orchestra, take it away.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Well done, thank you.

You really got the hang of that, didn't you?

Once you worked out you don't blow into it

well

in fairness real school orchestras have the advantage in that there's at least one person in it that you care about.

Not so this one.

Well, that's just about the end of the show.

Yes.

But we have got time to squeeze in a quick round of Christmas or bedroom.

In this round, teams, I'd like you to come up with phrases that might be suitable for use both in the bedroom and during the Christmas festivities.

Henning, you can start.

I think you've given me something you shouldn't have.

Marcus.

Have another look.

There should be a little toy inside.

And a hat.

Rachel.

Oh, I cannot fit in another thing.

Miles.

You don't want those dangling too low, or the cat will have them off with her claws.

Someone's in luck, I've hidden a sixpence inside.

Shall we have people round, or just keep it cowsy?

I am so sorry, I should have put it in much earlier.

I can't wait for the binman to come.

That's a big old bird.

Is this goose fat?

Is this bread sauce?

Well, I thought the vicar put on a very good show.

Well, I suppose it's the thought that Coans.

He's been!

Oh, oh, I see.

It's a sort of miniature tool.

Stick a bit of tinsel on the top, that usually perks it up.

You put it in hours ago.

Why is it taking so long?

Why don't we have a jug for the gravy at each end?

Well, that's it for another year.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the tepid pad tie of time is delivered by the disheveled deliveroo driver of destiny, while the forlorn falafels of fate are saturated by the leaking tom yam soup of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Basingstoke, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Miles Jupp, Marcus Brigstock, Rachel Parris and Henning Vane were being given silly things to do by Jack Dee with Colin Sell setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steen and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Maismith.