Series 82 - Episode 2

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us this week on a visit to Exeter.

Exeter City, the local football team, are in many ways the Barcelona to Plymouth Argyles.

Plymouth Argyle.

Languishing in the third tier of English football, Exeter City face the same financial pressures as their fellow League One rivals.

Only recently the club was presented with a crippling utility bill of over £17,000.

Apparently the last person to visit the trophy room had left the lights on.

Exeter City's most famous fan is Coldplay front man Chris Martin.

At a recent derby against bitter local rivals Plymouth Argyle, violence broke out and several punches were thrown after Martin attempted to lead the singing in the main stand and had to be removed for for his own safety.

At which point, the Plymouth Argyle supporters were let into the ground.

Harry Potter author J.K.

Rowling attended Exeter University in 1983.

It's claimed Rowling drew inspiration from her time here in the writing of her novels.

For example, The Vaults became Gringott's Bank, Parliament Street became Diagonale, and an outbreak of genital herpes during Freshers' Week inspired the name Hogwarts.

Nearby Killeton House is a magnificent Georgian estate located northeast of Exeter.

It's home to a remarkable collection of antique fashionwear dating from the late 18th century through to the 1970s.

Of course, if Killeton House is closed, fashionwear dating from the 1970s can be viewed for free most days on Budley-Salterton High Street.

Exeter's magnificent cathedral is home to Captain Scott's sledging flag.

The flag which bears the motto Ready, I ready, beneath a stag's head, was used by Scott during his British Antarctic survey expedition.

Coincidentally, in Exeter's sister cathedral in Oslo, there hangs the sledging flag of Roal Amundsen, which bears the motto, winner-winner, chicken dinner.

This region is famous for its cream teas, and for many years there's been an ongoing and at times heated debate between Devon and Cornwall about whether the clotted cream should be placed on the scomb before the jam or vice versa.

Well, for what it's worth, Exeter, everywhere else in the country, literally couldn't care less.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Caroline Quentin and Tony Hawkes.

And on my left, Miles Jopp and Lee Mack.

And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me, please welcome our resident Tree Trunk in Trunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms.

For example, many people fail to distinguish between the words hotel and Airbnb.

Well, a hotel is an establishment providing accommodation, meals, and other services for travellers and tourists, whereas Airbnb is what Exeter students say they've got in their A-levels.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams.

So your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Tony, you can start.

Deceitful, why a Frenchman might remain standing on a bus.

Lean.

Congenital, something that looks like a penis but isn't.

Remember that chat we had in the interval?

Caroline.

Um, fauna, more beige

miles, mendips, male-oriented condiments

injury, front man of the blockades

Fallacious, lying about how many blowjobs you've had.

Meow, I've hurt myself

Asserting sore buttocks

Come on,

bring in, bring in

Befuddle group of cows

Netball, male tennis injury.

Henna,

even more like a hen.

Autism, constant sense that you should be doing something.

Gable, bovine in a same-sex relationship.

Loki, Norse god of understatement.

Okay, the teams are going to sing along to some well-known songs now in the round called Pick Up Song.

In this round, Sven will spin the discs, and each of you teams will sing along to your records until Sven turns the music down.

If on its return, you're within the gnat's crotchet of the original, I'll be awarding points and points mean a frankly pathetic exercise in petty self-aggrandizement.

What do points mean?

That's right and this week's prize is the world's most argumentative Indian starter.

It's this Arjee Bhaji.

Miles Juck, we'll start with you and I'd like you to accompany the band Elbow singing one day like this.

Drinking in the morning sun,

blinking in the morning sun,

shaking off a heavy one,

yeah, heavy like a loaded gun.

What made me behave that way?

Using words I never say,

I can only think it must be love.

Oh, anyway,

it's looking like a beautiful day.

Someone tell me how I feel.

It's silly wrong, but vivid right.

Oh, kiss me like a final meeting.

I'm glad the music came in because you sounded so lonely.

Okay, you're next.

Lee Mac, I'd like you to

accompany West Country band, the Wurzels,

singing I Am a Cider Drinker.

When the moon shines on the cowshed, and we're rolling in the hay,

all the cows are up there grazing,

and the milk is on its way.

I am a cider drinker.

I drink shit all of the day.

I am a cider drinker.

It sues all me travels away.

Oh, I worry.

Oh, I worry.

Lee Mac star star of not going out, and now also not going in tune either.

You now, Caroline Quentin, would you accompany Cher singing the Shoop Shoop song?

Does he love me?

I wanna know.

How can I tell if he loves me so?

Is it in his eyes?

Oh no, you'll be deceived.

Oh, no, he'll make believe if you wanna

I belong to you, swords and his kiss.

That's where it is.

He's in his face.

Oh no, it's just his charm in his warm embrace.

Oh no, that's just his arms.

If you wanna know,

I belong to you, swords and his kiss.

That's where it is.

It's in his kiss.

Thank you.

Thank you, Caroline, for showing the audience and three witless panelists what singing can sound like.

Okay,

finally, Tony Hawks, would you please accompany the darkness singing I Believe in a Thing Called Love?

Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel

overdriving, you're behind the steering wheel

Touching you

Touching me

Touching you, God, you're touching me

I believe in the thing called love

There's a chance you can make it now We'll be rocking till the top goes down

I believe in the thing called love

Well, you can't win them all, Tony.

So the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Sharades.

This game is all about miming the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotion without words the greatest mime of all time was marcel marceau who died in 2007 and whose funeral was attended by all of the world's most celebrated mime artists as a mark of respect at the start of the service there was a two-minute silence followed by a two-hour silence

After he was interred in Paris's famous Père-Lachaise cemetery, the world's grieving mime community assembled for a reception at Marceau's home, where they consumed canopes and and down copious glasses of wine in his memory with a hospitality bill amounting to an extraordinary nothing at all.

Thank you, thank you.

In our version of Sherard's team members are permitted the use of their voices.

Tony and Caroline, you're to start, please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here is the mystery mystery voice.

Ten things I hate about you.

Ten things I hate about you.

Okay, so off you go, please, Tony and Caroline.

Okay, it's a film, and it's six words.

And it goes like this.

Caroline Quentin, you've become known of late as a highly accomplished gardener, and it really is such a pleasure to meet you here in your beautiful Devon garden.

Thank you, Tony.

I really am very proud of it.

Yes, and I've been looking at the the many stunning trees and shrubs you have on the show, and I have to say I'm surprised that you don't have an example of the classic of English conifers, Taxa spicata.

Oh, I can't stand them.

Really, they're my least favourite tree.

Why so?

Well, if you really want to know, Tony, they're poisonous.

They're gloomy, they're prickly, they're common as Mark.

They're unruly, they're untrustworthy, they're dishonest, they talk about you behind your back, they don't keep their promises, and they're utter, utter bastards.

Well, you certainly have a good number of reasons for disliking them.

I can count them on the fingers of both hands.

I have no idea.

It was something about trees and the number 10.

That's all I've got.

Yeah, that's, yeah, yeah, good.

Is it the film Ten Trees?

No.

How's your Latin?

Is it 10 Things I Heard About You?

Yeah!

I didn't know it.

Okay, your turn, Mars and Lee.

Your title is now being exhibited on the Laser Display Board, and here again is the Misty Voice for listeners at home.

Betelgeuse.

Beetlejuice.

So it's a film?

Yeah.

And it's one word, isn't it, Lee?

Debatable, but go on.

Okay.

Is this your first time at the Sperm Bank, sir?

That's right, yeah.

Can I take a name?

Paul McCartney.

They don't have to be long, do they?

One word.

Sperm bank.

One word.

Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney.

It's nothing to do with wings, is it?

No, nothing.

Sperm bank.

Imagine picking the wrong band.

Beetle juice.

Well, it's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent.

But first I notice our intray has been swamped by a letter.

It comes from Mrs.

Trellis of North Wales.

She writes, Dear Floggit,

for many years now I have been the owner of the original sooty and sweet puppets.

Despite becoming very attached to them, I'd now be very grateful if you could please take them off my hands.

Your sister,

Mrs.

Trellis.

Well on with the game and regular listeners will know that as a trained actor I have a keen ear for regional accents and so for this round I will be adopting the local vernacular.

So let's play a West Country version of Mornington Crescent my lovers.

You'll remember from back along that we play according to Stovold's revised rules but with West Country modifications.

So listen up, or we'll be here till Dimpsey.

Transverse moves below the meridian are only permitted with parallel coping.

Streets are wild, but royal indicators may incur double penalties.

Tony Meansom, you can start directly.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Right.

You stove revised rules, so I think I can just kick off with Charing Cross.

Cock Foster's.

Yeah, nice.

Okay, Cock Foster's.

I am going to play a local rule, I think.

I'm going to do the transverse, and I'm going to go for King James Street.

Getting your janner there, aren't you?

Well, then I can go direct to St James.

Isn't that a royal indicator?

Yeah.

It is, but because we had the opener of Charing Cross, that would negate it.

But you are

right, so it might have pointed out.

Yeah, it's below the meridian.

I made a bit of a fool of myself, Lit.

Again, I'm going to play the local rule.

I think this is.

Well, even though it's not your go.

Yeah, that is one of the local rules.

Yeah, one of the local rules is you can go whenever you like in Exeter.

And I'm going to go to Timepiece rules.

I'm going to go to Timepiece.

Yes.

Okay.

Well, can I go.

I'd like to go with a local one if I...

Can I go Oakhampton Road?

Thank you

sadly not

Victoria

Miles Can I go to MM World?

Which branch?

Leicester Square.

Oh yes fine.

Can I go to SM World?

Which branch?

Use any branch you like.

I think I'm going to go Taunton Dean.

I know it's very local, but I think it's safer playing that.

Mornington Crescent.

Yeah.

Well done, Tony.

The next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turns to sing the opening line to a series of well-known well-known songs, and it's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

Which reminds me at the piano we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, Colin was telling us he's just played a solo concert at London's Wigmore Hall.

Apparently, the entire audience got a front-row seat.

You can go first, please.

Tony and Caroline, can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

Woman,

I can hardly express.

Well, let me do the breastfeeding then, yeah?

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you.

Good, because that ball has been in the neighbor's garden for over a week.

Maybe I

didn't treat you

quite as good as I should have.

No, it's quite as well as I should have.

All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small,

all things wise and wonderful.

Came about because species can change over time and new species come from pre-existing species, all sharing a common ancestor, and each species has its own set of heritable genetic differences, which have accumulated over a very long time period.

Is the record for the South Western Railway Exeter to Waterloo train?

I know I stand in line until you think you have the time to spend an evening with me.

And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance you won't be leaving with me.

Then afterwards, we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two.

And then you go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like, put these on.

Okay, your turn now, Miles and Lee.

Can we have your first lion medley now, please?

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be?

Will I be pretty?

Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me.

Well, you might be rich.

Everybody

hates you.

I'm not sure I like that applause.

How many special people change?

How many lives are living strange?

Where were you while we were getting high?

Stuck in the queue on Ticketmaster.

Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.

So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.

Look, if you haven't decided what to order, I can come back in a few minutes.

minutes.

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday,

the regular crowd shuffles in.

There's an old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and gin.

Gonna have to give that glass a good wash then.

One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock.

Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock.

Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock.

Oh, it's all go here in the geology department.

The first time ever I saw your face.

Well, that's just about the end of the show.

But we've just got time to squeeze in a quick round of song suggestions.

Incidentally, you've probably read about Sven's summer in Monte Carlo partying with a group of like-minded lads aboard a luxury yacht.

You certainly won't have forgotten that photo of Sven on the deck of the boat with a mounting swell and a tender behind.

Well, I have to thank Dame Kiri Tikawana for sending that in, but I.

Anyway, teams, the round's called Unsexy Songbook, and in it, I'd like you please to suggest unsexy versions of well-known songs.

So you can start this one, please.

Miles.

Let's talk about socks, baby.

Tony.

Voule-vous crochet évic moi se soir.

Caroline.

I can't get you out of my shed.

Lee.

She's got Sammy Davis eyes.

When I think about you, I touch my shelf.

Gimme, gimme, gimme a nan after midnight.

You can't flush this.

Nights in Prestatin.

I want to dance with somebody else.

How deep is your septic tank?

I've got flu, babe.

I just called to say we're related.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the tardy transit of time is driven by the dastardly DHL driver of destiny, before he finally lobs the priceless package of posterity into the hapless hedge of humanity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Exeter, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Miles Jump, Tony Hawks, Caroline Quentin, and Lee Mac were being given silly things to do by Jack D, with Colin Sell setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steen and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Maismith.