Series 82 - Episode 1

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us today on a visit to the University City of Exeter

which is an average three hours away from London and three average A levels away from Cambridge.

The city of Exeter stands on the X, a tributary formerly known as the River Twitter.

The Imperial in Exeter is considered to be the most elegant pub in the entire Wetherspoons chain.

Previously a stately home, then a hotel, it features an amazing wrought-iron barrel-vaulted orangery.

Last year, the pub made the news after Wetherspoons contacted the council to complain that the Imperial was being terrorised by local seagulls.

To counter counter the menace, the council's pest control team suggested an ingenious solution.

Stop serving them stellar at 10 in the morning.

In August 1682, three local women known as the Biddeford Witches were the last people in the country to be tried for witchcraft-related activities.

After the trial, they were hanged at Exeter Prison, then burnt at the stake and subsequently drowned.

However, all three continued to maintain their innocence

and are now happily presenting loose women on ITV1.

The Devon pasty, which is distinguished by its top crimp and oval shape, is widely considered to be the finest in the world and is likely to remain so until next week's recording in St.

Ives.

Much-loved comedian Tommy Cooper moved to Exeter when he was just three years old and it's where he spent the rest of his childhood.

It wasn't until the age of 13 that his parents finally found him.

But Tommy Cooper isn't the only comedian to come to Exeter only to die tragically on stage.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Tony Hawkes and Caroline Quentin.

And on my left, Marl Dunn and Lee Mac.

And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Well, we begin this week with a round that's all about words.

A popular phrase in the West Country is proper job, which is often heard here in Devon, either when a local is congratulating another on a task well done, or when he's dispensing career advice to a tourist who's come here with a dog and a surfboard and never left.

Isn't that right, Tony?

In this round, each team takes it in turn to exchange a series of words, while the opposing team should challenge if they detect a connection between any of these words.

Okay, so I'd like you to start exchanging completely unconnected words, Tony and Caroline.

Leah Miles, it's your job to try to spot a connection.

If I uphold the challenge, I'll ask you to take over, and so on.

So off you go please, Tony and Caroline.

Anachronism.

Bilius.

Blood.

Butter.

Druid.

Plum.

Empty.

Lee, plum empty.

My plums are empty.

Right.

Okay.

I'm going to finish, Jack.

I don't drink anymore.

It's the only way I can relax before a show.

Really, a lot more information than we wanted.

I have to accept your challenge, so it's over to you.

It's over to you, Miles and Lee, to come up with unconnected words.

Beef, jug, tailspin, tablecloth.

Oh, there's a connection there.

Tablecloth.

Yeah, and tailspin.

Because if at Christmas I don't have the right tablecloth, I go into a tailspin.

Don't we all?

Quite right.

I mean, I don't believe that, but you seem to believe my story, so why not?

Yeah.

Well, frankly, we've got to have some that we can broadcast, you see, Lee.

So, yes, it's over to Caroline and Tony.

I used the tablecloth in my story as well, but forget it.

Green.

Bratica.

Flummocks.

Nose.

Jewellery.

Miles, nose, jewellery.

That's a connection there.

Yeah, well, I mean, you could have a piece of jewellery in your nose, couldn't you?

Many people do these days.

Yeah, listen, I'm all in favour.

Absolutely.

It's 2024.

Do what the hell you like.

Yeah.

Well, not everything, Lee.

No.

Yeah, no, that's fair.

Yeah, nose, jewellery, I think.

Yeah, no, I think you walked into that one.

So it is.

It's back over to Miles and Lee.

Leopard.

Full.

Chalk.

Brenda.

Oh, yeah, Tony.

What?

Well, I used to go up with Brenda Chalk.

Oh, he did.

He did, actually.

Did he?

Yeah.

Yes, she was Maximouth.

She won.

I'll accept your challenge, Tony and Caroline.

Back to you.

Oh, I didn't know how I did that.

I'm sorry about that.

The gong tells us that I've just remembered how to finish that round.

Well, time for a musical round now, as I ask the teams to sing one song to the tune of another.

Exactly.

Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell.

Incidentally, you may be interested to know that Colin is currently on tour with his grandson.

Colin's the one slumped in a pram and his grandson's the one shouting penny for the guy.

Okay, we'll start with you, Caroline Quentin.

I'd like you to sing the words of I Am the Cider Drinker by the Wurzels to the tune of the lovely A Whiter Shade of Pale.

When the moon shines on the cowshed

and we're rolling in the hay,

all the cows are out there grazing,

and the milk is on its way.

I am a cider drinker,

I drinks it all a day.

I am a

drinker.

Soothes all my troubles away.

So cozy in the kitchen

with the smell of rabbit stew.

When the breeze blows across the farm yard,

you can smell the cow shed too.

Okay,

your turn now Lee Mac.

I'd like you to sing the words of Relax by Frankie Ghost to Hollywood

to the tune of the winner takes it all.

Relax, don't you eat

when you want to go to it

Relax, don't do it

When you want to come

So sorry

Relax, don't do it

When you want to suck it, chew it

Relax, don't do it

When you want to come

But shooting in the right direction

Make making it your intention

Live those dreams, skip those schemes

Got to hit me, hit me

with those laser beams

I'm coming, I'm coming

Relax, don't do it

When you want to go to it.

Can I just say, I bet you're really pleased that wasn't the ABBA 3D hologram version.

Your turn now, Tony Hawks.

I'd like you to sing the words of the traditional Devon song Whitticombe Fair to the tune of Save Your Love by Renee and Renato.

Tom Pierce, Tom Pierce, let me your grey mare

all along, down along, out to Long Lee.

For I want to go to Whitticombe Fair with Bill Brewer, Janet Strew, Pete, Kurney Pete, David, Don Burner, and Harry Hawke, and old Uncle Tom Company, and all.

And when shall I see my old grey mare again?

All along, down, along, out to Long Lee

By Friday night or Saturday noon with Bill Brewer, John Stewart, Pete, Gurney, Pete, Davy, Darrell Witkins, Harry Hawke, and old Tuncle Tom Comney and all

that Friday and is out of day

all along down along out along Lee

Tom Meer, his old grey mare and opponent hope with Bill Brewer, Jan Stewart, Pete, Kurne, Pete Davy, Dan Winnie,

Tony Hawkes there, thank you very much.

And all the audience here in Exeter clapping along, showing just how little entertainment there must be in this part of the world.

Miles Jupp, I'd like you to sing the words of the theme from the TV series Spider-Man to the tune of I Dreamed a Dream from them as well.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man

does whatever a spider can.

Spins a web and his size

and catches thieves just like flies.

Look out, here comes the Spider-Man.

Is he strong?

Well, listen, but

he's got radioactive blood.

Can he swing from a thread?

Take a look

overhead.

Hey there, there goes the Spider-Man

In the chill of night at the scene of a crime

Like a street of light he arrives on time

Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man

Thank you, Miles.

Do you need your oxygen?

It's just there.

Well, the next round is called the Symptoms, and it's all about the world of medicine.

Medical scientists have recently identified debilitating flu-like symptoms suffered by many people in Britain today, which they're describing as an allergy to the 21st century, whose causes include centrally heated homes, a clean and germ-free living environment, and work-related stress.

I mean, imagine when that eventually hits Plymouth.

So in this round, the teams will assume the role of doctors and patients suffering from an imaginary medical condition, and you can be our patients, Tony and Caroline.

The identity of your mystery medical condition is now being displayed to our fiercer audience via the laser display screen.

Tony and Caroline think they're puddings.

Tony and Caroline think they're puddings.

Okay, Tony and Caroline, you must outline your symptoms to doctors Miles and Lee, and they'll be awarded points based on how accurately they're able to diagnose your condition.

Off you go.

Although, do come in, do come in.

Thank you.

Now, doctors, there's something I need to show you behind the screen, as it's a bit personal, okay?

It's the old tudger.

I can't seem to get rid of these spots.

I've put cream on and everything, it hasn't worked.

Personally, I don't think that you've been right since you split with your wife, Tony, and over such a silly little thing.

Yes, it was a mere trifle.

It was hardly a trifle.

I mean, you said she looked like a tar.

Well,

it was Christmas.

I was steaming.

I'd overdone it with the brandy, but I was on fire.

Such good anecdotes, but whatever I came up with, she found a way of stopping it.

And it kept on happening.

The whole thing made me want to scream, but I only do that at weekends.

Me too.

I scream Sundays.

We've both got issues, but especially me.

I went to Eaton and came out a complete mess.

Well, Chinnar, I hear you've been cast as Captain Scott in a new film.

Indeed, what a part.

What you might call an Arctic role.

Well, I hope the reviews are as good as those you got for playing Roger Federer.

Oh, yes, the Swiss role, finest one of them.

There you go, Doctor.

Thank you, Doctor.

Yeah, I think

I'm going STD.

What are you doing?

That's a perfectly reasonable working theory.

I think you believe that you're puddings, isn't it?

And now for a game called West Country Weather Rhymes and Proverbs.

In 2003, the Met Office moved from Bracknell to Exeter.

The opening ceremony was attended by legendary weatherman Michael Fish, who planted a sapling and then knocked it over.

In a recent report by Witch magazine comparing the accuracy of weather forecasting stations, the Met Office came ninth of 12, one place above the BBC and one place below sticking your head out the window.

Teams, in this round, I'll read out the first part of some genuine West Country weather rhymes and sayings.

And your job is to correctly finish them off for me, please.

So we'll start with you, Tony.

How about this?

When seagulls fly towards the land, hold on to your bloody chips.

Tersey finishes, there truly is a storm at hand.

But this one, Caroline, finish this for us, will you?

If the spring is cold and wet,

then you're in Devon.

Jersey, yeah, then autumn will be hot and dry.

Lee, how about this one?

Snow like cotton, soon forgotten.

Snow that's wetter, probably rain.

It's snow like meal, expect a great deal.

Miles, one for you to finish, please.

Rainbow in morning, sailors take warning, rainbow at night.

Someone's talking shite.

Sailors delight.

Well, look, here, here are some for any of you lot to have a go at.

This is a Hampshire saying, actually, if you can see the Isle of Wight, it's going to rain, but.

If you can't, you're facing north.

What they do say is that if you can't see it, it's raining.

Here's another one.

When April blows his horn, he's glad he bought her dinner.

It's good for hay and corn is where I was trying to get us to.

Onion skins skins, very thin, mild winter coming in, but onion skins thick and tough.

You might have picked up a coconut.

It says, Coming winter, cold and rough.

How about this one?

Be it dry or be it wet?

I'm going in.

It was meant to end the weather always pays its debt.

Yes, yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Well, this next round is all about the skilled art of writing.

Recently, I received disturbing reports about meddling busybodies making changes to the much-loved characters of Roald Dahl.

Apparently, Augustus Gloop is no longer fat but enormous.

Mrs.

Twit is no longer ugly but beastly.

The oomper lumpers are now orange and gender-neutral.

And that lovable, kindly giant is now called the BFGBTQ.

Okay, the teams will now take it in turns to improvise some written correspondence with two players providing one word each at a time.

And the subject of your correspondence, teams, will be an issue of concern to the good people of Exeter.

So, audience, can I have suggestions, please, of any causes of complaint that have been troubling the local community?

And please don't just shout out Cornwall.

Students!

Oh, students, yeah, fair enough.

We'll go with students, okay?

So, Miles and Lee, I'd like you to start by composing a letter.

And what's your name who shouted out students?

Can I?

Rachel.

Rachel, a letter to her.

Okay.

I'd like to start by composing a letter of complaint from Rachel to the University of Exeter.

I think it's only fair.

So off you go, please, Miles and Lee.

Dear sir, or,

madam,

I

really am fed up to the back teeth with students.

They are disgusting people.

They really are very disgusting people.

Yesterday, I was one

second

away from getting slapped by

a student

because all of the time

they wonder why I am nude.

It's obvious why I'm nude.

It's hot.

I love being nude.

So, please, please, can you ask the students to stop wearing

their clothes?

It really makes me feel naked

when they are wearing clothes, especially big goths.

I would love to dance naked with the rest of Exeter

next Tuesday.

So, how will you rectify this situation?

Yours sincerely, Rachel.

Dear Rachel,

you have a pleasant experience happening in your life.

Why do you keep fighting it?

Enjoy nudity.

Embrace nudity.

Hold my

idea

in your head

and remember

that if you are so keen to take away your students, then what will Exeter be like?

No

people drinking

in excess.

No

people buying pants.

I would

like to introduce you to something very special.

It's made of wood.

A large piece of oak which is held in awe

and never used in anger.

Rachel, look behind.

You.

It's behind you.

Rachel.

Rachel, look out.

It's killing you now.

Rachel, goodbye.

I hope that sorted that out for you, Rachel.

It's now time to play a round called IKEA or Bedroom.

A recent survey by the Royal College of Midwives revealed that one in every six babies born in the UK were conceived in an IKEA bed.

It's an amazingly high number, especially when you consider how busy those stores get.

Teams, in this round, I'd like you to come up with phrases that might be suitable to use both in the bedroom and when buying or assembling things from Ikea.

So, Tony, you can start.

If there's no screwing involved, I can't see how it's going to stay up.

Caroline.

This looked bigger online.

Lee.

Oh, well, I suppose it only cost me 60 quid.

Miles.

I always find it a bit strange eating here.

Well, this is a complete waste of a Saturday.

Do we need to get a man to finish this off?

Coming in a flat hat wasn't quite what I had in mind.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the tedious tourists of time meander through the Art Museum of Modernity, before the protesters of perversity begin to empty the Campbell's soup can of calamity over the sacred sunflowers of serenity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the team, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Exeter, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Miles Jump, Tony Hawks, Caroline Quentin, and Lee Mac were being given silly things to do by Jack D, with Colin Sell setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steen and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Maisman.