Series 81 - Episode 6

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue you join us today on a visit to Scotland's historical capital city Edinburgh.

Yes

The world's only fully cobbled gift shop

Edinburgh's Holyrood is the home of the Scottish Parliament.

Opened in 2004 the building's postmodern architecture has won it critical acclaim and many respected awards.

In 2005 the Parliament was awarded the Sterling Prize for Architecture.

In 2006, it was voted Scotland's fourth greatest modern building of all time.

And in 2024, the building's elegant First Minister's entrance swept the board at the prestigious Revolving Door Awards.

One of Edinburgh's leading attractions is the one o'clock gun, which is fired from the Mills Mount battery.

The gun was introduced in 1861 and is fired every day except for Sundays, Good Friday, and Christmas Day.

Sound travels at 340 meters per second, which means it takes about 10 seconds for the sound to reach Leith.

The only thing to reach Leith faster is a mobile phone after it's been nicked on Prince's Street.

In Leith's Bernard Street stands a statue to Scotland's national poet Rabbi Burns, who genealogists have discovered fathered 12 children to four different women.

Coincidentally, they also discovered his full name, which is actually Robert Boris de Feffelburns.

Edinburgh has two successful football teams.

Well one if you include Hibbs.

What you want another one for cover?

Okay.

Edinburgh has two successful football teams.

Well, one if you include hearts.

One for Glasgow.

Edinburgh has no successful football teams.

Colts' film Train Spotting was filmed in Edinburgh in 1996.

The violent sex and drugs-filled classic premiered in Edinburgh and went on to pack out cinemas throughout the city, even at the Morningside Odeon, where it was retitled You'll Have Had Your E.

Edinburgh Zoo is home to the world's only knighted penguin.

Sir Nils Olaf received his knighthood in 2008 in recognition of his work as a mascot for the Norwegian army.

Unfortunately, after a recent investigation into Sir Olaf's pandemic business dealings, there is a call for the penguin to be stripped of his title due to claims that he used his connections to secure a multi-million pound papa papa PPE contract.

and talking of things that never get off the ground let's meet the teams on my right please welcome Pippa Evans and Rory Bremner

and on my left Milton Jones and Fred McCauley

and Taking his place on the scoring desk next to me please welcome our resident tree trunk in trunks the Immaculate Sven

Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms.

For example, many don't know the subtle difference between the words cabernet and Pinot.

Well, Cabernet is any of several related grapes grown most notably in the Bordeaux region of France, whereas Pinot is a ferry company famed for paying its staff bugger all

The meaning of words are constantly changing, teams.

So, your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Rory, you can start.

Rotund.

Sent back to Fife.

Pippa.

Deduct.

Someone's taken away all my mallards.

Milton.

Not weed.

Definitely a weed, despite what it calls itself.

Fred.

Texting.

A Jamaican smartphone.

Is lamb a phobia?

The question to the answer: no, lamb is a type of meat, not a phobia.

Hyperbolic, a frenzied testicle.

Ooh,

a French vacuum cleaner.

Metabolic, I just bumped into Piers Morgan.

Percussion, how Scottish upholsterers get paid.

Triceratops, how about wearing Fergie's jumpers?

Sexting, a Jamaican vibrator

pubic, a pen you can use at church

Cemetery, where people from New Zealand are buried

Weepia, a tiny Scottish jetty.

Ample, ironically, an incomplete sample.

Toilet duck, bathroom with low ceiling.

Shite, what the king does when he raises his voice.

Well, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Charades.

This game is all about miming the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotion without words.

Scotland's most prominent mime artist was Abaddonian Hamish McPhee, who entered the world of silent theatre when he was told it's your round in a petodry pub.

Well, in our version of the game, team members are permitted the use of their mouths.

So, Rory and Pippa, you're to start, please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And here is the mystery voice for listeners at home:

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

Well, this is a book and a film, and it's six words.

Hello, is that the headquarters of the pipes and drums of the 1st Battalion of the Scots Guards?

Ah, yes,

I'm mounting an alternative military show with pipes and drums for the Edinburgh International Festival and wondered if you would be interested in taking part.

Well, quite possibly, young lady.

Do you have a venue in mind?

Uh, no, not as such.

What I've done is I've created this enormous trolley stage on wheels, and the plan would be for me to pull the stage behind me.

With all you guys on there piping away and marching about and doing your thing.

What you'd literally pull us to wherever the audience might be.

Literally, that is what I will do.

Just little me will heave the whole show in front of the expectant crowd.

Impressive.

And have you thought of a name for this innovative entertainment?

Yes, I have.

It's very relevant to Edinburgh, isn't it?

Is it the girl with the dragon tattoo?

Yes.

Okay, your term, Fred and Milton.

Your title is now being exhibited for the audience.

While here is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Lost in translation.

Lost in translation.

It's a film and it is three words.

Okay?

Perdue.

French, perduta.

Italian,

verluren.

German, mitloof.

Maltese.

Well, I have no idea.

Is it something to do with languages?

Yeah.

Some French languages, translation, the translator.

Is it lost in translation?

Well, the next game is called Celebrity Animal Animal Smugglers.

These days, many of the most sought-after pets are breeds of dogs that have been crossed with poodles.

One only has to think of the popularity of the poogle, puggle, labradoodle, or cockapoo.

However, not all crossbreeds have been so successful.

The pairing that immediately comes to mind is that between a Newfoundland and a poodle, the new poundland.

Or that between a shihhtzu and a golden retriever, a shit retriever.

In celebrity animal smugglers, Pippa and Rory will be animal smugglers, and Fred and Milton will be customs officers whose job it is to discover the smuggled animals.

However, Pippa and Rory will be smuggling these animals skillfully concealed in their conversation with one another.

Fred and Milton must challenge by making the noise of the animal in question.

All understood?

Good.

Okay, please start the animal smuggling now, Pippa and Rory.

Okay, uh, do you want a drink, Rory?

Not if it's one of your special brews, Pippa.

Last time you offered me green wine and blue whale.

Milton?

Is it a blue whale?

Very good.

Very good.

You must have thought I was bats.

Wow, so quick, Fred.

Well done.

I buzzed before I realised I probably can't do a bat noise.

Well, you can do an impression if you want.

Flap your wings, maybe.

I wouldn't eat that, mate.

I've just shatten it.

Yeah, I did think you were a bit odd.

I like your cardigan, by the way.

Oh, thanks.

I knitted it from some old Irish wool found in the wardrobe.

Very good.

No, that's a Daxon.

Top of the morning, tea on.

Yeah.

Oh, what colour would you call it?

Ginger Tomato Red.

Revolutionary red.

Chairman Mao's favourite colour.

I hope.

Yes, yes, Milton.

Is it a mouse?

Yeah, you haven't really got on what this is about.

Give us the noise.

Caught in a trap.

I hope you don't mind me saying, but you're looking a little peaky.

Knees bothering you again?

Oh, I'll buzz him for good sake.

I've got a little noise as well.

Yes, sometimes the pain makes me scream.

Last night it was a high C.

My highest notes are high E natural.

Yes, Milton.

I think I understand it now.

You just make the noise, don't you?

Yeah, you just make the noise.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Oh, it's a hyena, isn't it?

Yeah, it was a hyena.

Hang on, is that a hyena eating a monkey?

Very similar.

The hyena, of course, the impressionist of the animal world.

Okay.

By the way, I saw you sunbathing in the buff.

Hello, I said.

I would buff

no idea what kind of noise a buffalo makes

Milton

now now we know why animal magic was taken off here

it says it's your turn now Fred and Milton

not that you deserve a turn

Fred and Milton exchange snippets of conversation in which is concealed the names of celebrities.

Pippa and Rory should challenge the noise of each celebrity they identify.

What, with an impression?

Yeah, that would be great, an impression.

You don't have to, Rory, but if you could, please.

Okay, so off you go, please.

I need to get my luggage to Janet.

Street Porter, can you give me a hand?

Yeah, go on.

Ah, finally impression I can get my trophy in charge.

Hello, I spotted you on the plane.

Yeah, were you having the in-flight meal?

Yes, I had the vegan open sandwich.

How about you?

Oh, Liver.

Your Coleman's mustard.

On that, I presume.

Sorry.

No,

I can't do this one.

Um, um, what's it?

Um,

oh, series two, series two, crown, um, Roddy.

A skin I didn't know I had.

You weren't tempted by the chicken.

Chicken, that scrawny thing.

It looked more like a Sean Canary.

Well, that's slightly more obvious.

Sean Canary.

I notice you're not wearing socks.

No, I don't like to cover up unduly.

Ankle hairy, that's my motto.

You didn't think you'd slip that one in without me noticing the gym.

May I say that's a very fine diamond type in you're wearing?

Thank you.

It's a gem I call instant glamour.

Luckily.

Gem of Collins, isn't it?

Oh yeah,

something like, you know, otherwise I say it as I see it.

Would you like to buy one of my caftans?

I'm afraid it was Princess Anne.

So yes, it's home far from you.

Quite a long drive.

Luckily I've got a 60 miles per gallon car.

Just as well.

I know what that is.

It's gallon car.

It sounds like a cat darling, in it.

That's the one.

I I must have been there somewhere.

I think we should have gone first.

Don't worry, you won't go at all.

Well, it's now time to play kitchen or bedroom.

Mainstay of the traditional Scottish kitchen is, of course, the haggis, whose ingredients are generally agreed to include the liver, heart, tongue and lungs of a sheep, which are spiced, then minced and mixed with suet, blood and oatmeal before being boiled while encased in the animal's stomach.

However, the exact recipe is a closely guarded secret

under the Public Health Act of 1947.

Well, in this round, teams, I'd like you to come up with some phrases that might be suitable to use in both the kitchen and the bedroom.

Rory, you can start.

You'll know it's ready when it stands up on its own.

Milton.

Shall we start with nibbles and see how it goes?

Anyone want to lick these before I wash them?

Fred, let me show you around.

That's Siemens, that's Smeg,

and

that's the hot point!

Hello, here comes the custard!

I'm trying to eat five a day.

So you don't want to put Basil in, Dildo?

For goodness sake, masticate or you'll choke.

I think it's pronounced Kumin.

I got that off Nigella Lawson.

Well, this next round is all about the sayings your old Scottish granny used to say.

There's a timeless Scottish song entitled, Ye can I shave your granny afer bus,

And this cheery tale of geriatric matricide has been entertaining Scottish children for nigh on 50 years.

Well, all except Mr.

and Mrs.

Nielsen's little boy, Dennis, who found it all a bit creepy.

Well, teams, in this round, I'll read out the first part of some genuine Scottish sayings or proverbs, and your job is to correctly finish them off, please.

So, Rory, I'd like you to finish off this Scottish saying:

eagles flee a lane but sheep

plummet.

It's actually it finishes eagles flee a lane but sheep heard the gither

meaning

thank you

Any English in the audience might not have understood that.

So

I'll translate it.

It says it means individualists will always stand out from the crowd.

Okay, so now we know.

Milton, a Scottish saying for you to finish: don't test the depth of the water with

a water-soluble ruler.

It's actually, I like this, it's don't test the depth of the water with both feet.

Don't commit everything to one venture, obviously.

And Fred, how about this one, this Scottish saying?

A scabbit sheep will soon be haggis.

It's actually a scabbit sheep will smitter hell herself.

One evil person can infect the whole.

Thippa, can you complete this Scottish saying, please?

Shy and timid folk are no.

Notoriously dull.

Are no fully happy.

Happiness is not a friend of the shy and timid.

Rory, how about this Scottish saying for you to finish?

Clean your walleys thrice and...

You'll have a clean wally.

It says, clean your wallies thrice and they stay in twice as lang.

So it's clean your teeth three times a day and they'll live to bite another day.

I'd find another dentist if I were you.

Milton, how about this Scottish saying?

Giving to charity increaseth a man's

unwanted emails.

It's increaseth a man's store.

Give to charity and you will grow in stature.

Finally, Fred, how does this one end, this Scottish saying?

A reekie house and a gurnin wife will be waiting for me after the show.

A reeky house and a gurning wife will lead a man a fascist life.

A smoky house and a fretful wife will give a man a troublesome life.

Yes, I've always thought so.

Here's some for any of you to have a go at, right?

This one, I think it's a Scottish saying, can you finish this one?

A fool and his money are

now in charge of Twitter.

A fool and his money are soon parted.

I didn't know that was particularly Scottish.

They've made it look Scottish by spelling soon, S-U-N-E.

Here's another one for any of you to ever go at.

Your grandpas like the weather.

Wet and windy.

It's actually, it finishes nay pattern.

The Scottish climate is like your grandfather, unpredictable.

So who can finish this one?

This Scottish saying: The Smith's Mare and the Cobbler's Wife are a reasonable audience at the fringe

are I worst shod.

The blacksmith's horse and the cobbler's wife are the worst shod.

And a final Scottish saying for you to finish off: a hairy man's a geary man, but a hairy wife's a website.

Sharp and talk.

It's a hairy man's a geary man, but a hairy wife's a witch, which means a hairy man is considered rich, but a hairy wife a witch.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show, but there is just time to fit in a quick round of entomologists' songbook.

Aron Sven is an amateur entomologist and recently donated a prize beetle from his collection to the Natural History Museum.

Last week he spent a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon in a storeroom watching the gentleman curator carefully mount his magnificent longhorn.

Anyway teams, in this round, I'd like you please to suggest titles of songs likely to prove popular with insect enthusiasts.

You can start this, Milton.

Can you feel the love termite?

Rory.

I get a tick out of you.

Pippa.

Head, shoulders, mosquitoes, mosquitoes.

Fred, like a midge over troubled water.

Night fever, night fever.

I believe I'm a fly.

I believe in miracles since you came along, you tetsy thing.

Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midge bite.

I'm hornet, hornet, hornet, hornet

on the first day of Chrysalis.

Lice, lice, baby, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, weevil, weevil, rocker.

I've been to pair of lice,

but I've never been to flea

knits in white satin

once in raw young aphid

and so, ladies and gentlemen, as the tepid tango tin of time is spilled down the truisers of eternity and the sultan source of serenity is added to the portioned place of posterity, I notice it's the end of the show.

Some from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Edinburgh, Edinburgh.

It's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Fred McCauley, Pippa Evans, Milton Jones, and Rory Bremman were being given silly things to do by Jack Dee, with Provincel setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Mason.