Series 83 - 6. Dinner Table or Bedroom

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sal and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us today on a visit to historic Leicester

which each year sees armies of international tourists come to visit its famous square in London.

Leicester is the birthplace of the father of the package holiday.

Thomas Cook, the first ever package holiday makers, travelled from Leicester to Loughborough in 1841.

And if you're curious to know what it would have been like to visit 19th century Loughborough, visit Loughborough.

Loughborough University is based in Leicestershire.

The university is a world leader in sports studies and its PE graduates are highly sought after by UK schools.

Every year, alumni gather for a prestigious black tie dinner.

Last year, Lord Coe arrived to deliver a speech, PE, a foundation for life, but admitted that he'd forgotten his tuxedo and was made to do it in his vest and pants.

And visitors may be surprised to discover that Leicester is home to the National Space Centre, a museum that celebrates all things connected with space exploration.

Although, perhaps more surprising is that the centre is twinned with the National Pork Pie Museum at Cape Canaveral.

Leicester City's famous King Power Stadium has become increasingly visitor-friendly these days, offering fans regular tours of the ground.

Supporters can now walk out onto the hallowed turf of the King Power, visit the owner's box, and even gain access to the Leicester City dressing room, where they're presented with a team strip, pair of boots, and a game.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Buber Evans and Tony Hawkes.

And on my left, Andy Hamilton and the Reverend Richard Coles.

And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Wow.

Well, we'll start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms.

For example, many people don't know the subtle difference between the words lopsidedness and asymmetry.

Well, lopsidedness refers to the condition of being disproportionately heavy on one side, whereas asymmetry is where Scotsmen are buried.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams.

So your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Pippe, you can start.

Consensual.

Someone who gives the impression of being sexy, but isn't.

Tony.

Grind.

What they stand on in Northern Ireland.

Richard.

Minster.

Camp Clergyman.

Andy.

Bollocking.

Prince Harry's unflattering nickname for his dad.

Doggeril, nighttime visitor to car park in North Wales.

Varlet, a comparatively short VAR review,

i.e., under eight minutes.

Argon, when a pirate's lost his voice.

Ineffable, out of one's league.

Even song, two four six eight motorway

tapioca, a disappointingly average kind of dancing,

curled, freezing in Newcastle,

Elongate, Elongate, the Tesla recall scandal.

Shrug, quiet carpet.

Laboratory, speeches by gun dogs.

Net zero, crap day of fishing.

Drover, a retired driver.

Unkempt, an unsatisfactory spandal ballet reunion.

Modula, a vampire on a scooter.

Saxophones, proceeds of robbery from Apple store.

Unspectacular, a vampire who can't find his glasses.

Cough,

go away.

You les,

insult shouted at Miriam Margolies.

Okay, the teams are going to sing along to some well-known songs in the round called Pick Up Song.

The inspiration for songs comes from many things.

For example, it was the sight of an April sunrise after a long, cold English winter, which inspired George Harrison to write Here Comes a Sun.

It was witnessing the birth of his daughter that prompted Stevie Wonder to compose Isn't She Lovely?

And it was a particularly severe case of nonspecific urethritis that inspired the Kings of Leon's song, Your Sex is on Fire.

So, in this round, Samantha will spin the discs, and each of you teams will sing along to your records until Samantha turns the music down.

If, on its return, you're within a gnat's crotchet of the original, I'll be awarding points.

And points mean a frankly sickening display of mass intellectual torpor.

What do points mean?

Yes, and this week's prize is the perfect post-prandial treat for the sweet-toothed furrier.

It's this after-eight mink.

Okay.

Richard Coles, you're to start, please, and I'd like you to accompany Leicester band Shawadiwadi singing Under the Moon of Love.

Let's go for a little walk

under the moon of love.

Let's sit down and talk

under

the moon of love.

I want to tell you that I love you

and I want you to be my girl, little darling.

Let's walk, let's talk

under the moon of love.

You look so lovely.

Under the moon of love.

Excellent, well.

Okay.

Next, Andy Hamilton, I'd like you to accompany Leicester boy Engelbert Humperding

singing, Please Release Me.

Please

release me,

let me go

for I

don't love you

anymore

Two ways

our lives would be a sin.

So, release me and let me

love again.

I

have found a new love dear,

and I will always

want her near

her lips,

Okay,

your turn, Pippa Evans.

Could you accompany Donna Summer singing I Feel Love?

It's so good, it's so good, it's so good, it's so good, it's so ungood.

heaven knows, heaven knows, heaven knows, heaven knows,

heaven knows.

I feel love, I feel love, I feel love, I feel love, I feel

love.

I feel love.

Thank you.

There's Pipper Evans singing I Feel Love and all the audience here in Leicester showing that they really know how to have a good time.

And finally, Tony Hawkes, I want you to accompany Jimmy Somerville singing the Communard song, You Are My World, but I want Richard Coles to accompany you on the piano as well.

If that'll be

a bit of a treat.

There's nothing more that can stop my course.

Hold you tight, never let you go.

Tomorrow's party, never end.

Like a bud in spring, our love will blue man go.

Your eyes to me are precious stones on faces made of solid gold.

When I hold your hand, I want to cry, and your loving arms to protect me from cold.

You

are my walls,

you are my walls,

you are

my walls,

you

are

so easy to play.

Thank you, Tony Hawks, and thank you, Richard Coles, and brilliant stuff.

Yes, I've seen.

Not easy playing the piano like that with Colin Sell flicking V signs at you while you're doing this.

Well, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Charades.

This game is all about miming, the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotion without words.

The world's most famous mime artist was, of course, Marcel Marceau.

Marceau discovered his aptitude for mime as a six-year-old when he got trapped in the family greenhouse.

And despite his frantic gesticulations for assistance, Marceau's family simply applauded and threw money.

Well, in our version of the game entitled Sound Charards, team members are permitted the use of their voices.

Richard and Andy, you're to start please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here's the mystery voice.

Drop the dead donkey.

Drop the dead donkey.

It's a television show, four words.

Ah, Vicar, what did you make of the rehearsal of our little nativity play?

Well,

It was original.

Yes, yes.

This year we've tried to make it a little less cutesy, more gritty, more real, hence the changes.

I wasn't totally sure about the depiction of the Magi.

Ah, well, let me explain.

You see, the biblical Magi, it's not very real.

They're idealised, not representative of mankind.

So instead of three wise men, we've opted for one wise man, one averagely intelligent man, and one total idiot.

It's more a cross-section of humanity, which is why they bought the baby Jesus gold, frankincense, and a traffic cone.

Yes,

the baby Jesus was too radical.

No, no, no, no, I don't mind him being portrayed by a puppet.

You see, Mr.

Bloodstone was desperate to be involved, and he fancies himself as a bit of a ventriloquist, and he could provide his own dummy, so.

No, no, no, no, no, absolutely.

I get that.

I just wasn't totally sure about the baby Jesus having a monocle.

We can lose that.

Now, anything else that bothered you, Beth?

I mean, I thought possibly some of it didn't feel very Christmassy.

Really?

Which bits didn't feel very Christmassy?

I'm thinking mainly of the corpse.

Oh,

I see.

I mean, it's not a human corpse.

I can see exactly what it is.

Well, it's an artistic choice.

You know, there's a commentary on how we exploit beasts of burden.

Yes, but if the creature is deceased, then how would it carry the Virgin Mary to Bethlehem?

Well, with great difficulty.

But it's symbolic.

It's not literal.

It's.

I'm sorry, but perhaps if you'd used a model rather than a real cadaver, then maybe I...

Yeah, but it's visceral, it's gritty, it's...

filling the church with flies.

Sorry.

It's got to go.

So what you're saying is I've got to go.

That's what I'm saying.

Yes.

Well, it's got something to do with a cadaver, do you think?

It's like a a dead, dead.

Oh, is it vintage television?

Yeah.

Vintage.

It was hugely successful.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, in the 90s.

Yeah.

I don't know what it is.

Do you know what it is?

Yeah.

Go on, you tell them.

It's Drop the Dead Donkey.

Yeah.

Actually, the correct answer is Drop the Dead Donkey touring from next January and appearing.

Well, thanks for the warning.

Here's a further title going up on the laser display board for you, Tony and Pippa.

And here is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Heidi.

Heidi.

This is a book and a TV series, and it's one word.

Hi.

Hiya.

Heidi, hi.

Now you've gone too far.

It's so easy.

A book and a T V show.

A book and a T V series.

I think I've got it.

Is it Heidi?

Yeah!

All right.

Well, this next round is all about reviews.

Most performers remember their reviews.

Indeed, author Tony Hawkes keeps his in a scrapbook.

Coincidentally, scrapbook was the two-word reply Tony got from his publisher when he sent them his latest manuscript.

Incidentally, I noticed some very disappointing online reviews for the new Fulmonty TV series.

Just one star on StripAdvisor.

So in this round, I shall present the teams with a selection of genuine internet reviews and their job is to correctly identify to what the review is referring.

Okay, so Andy, we'll start with you.

Great price, very sticky.

A stick.

This was some fake blood on Amazon.

How about this one, Tony?

What's being reviewed?

Okay, though I thought they would be thicker.

The audience

was actually a silver sequin light switch cover from Amazon.

What that is, I don't know.

Pippa, what about this one?

What's this referring to?

Great for catching hairs, but really difficult to remove the hairs from the product.

A Jack Russell.

The answer is actually a hair catcher that goes in a shower sink strainer when you have it.

Well, anyway, that's what it is.

And finally, Richard, what's this a review for?

Got it for my dad's birthday.

The moment he opened it and saw what it was, the horror on his face was absolutely worth it.

His browsing history.

It was actually for an old age emergency pants.

It was

a funny gift for retirement.

You know I said finally I lied.

There are some more.

These are for any of you to have a go at.

What's being reviewed here?

Lovely and came complete with train.

The north of England.

It is a review for a wedding dress.

What about this one?

They do use lots of complicated words for five-year-olds.

Janice and John do string theory.

It was actually a review of the National Space Center in Leicester from TripAdvisor.

How about this one?

Don't believe the description.

It's actually more like a sheet.

Mexican chocolate mousse.

In fact, it was for a men's adult Jesus fancy dress costume.

Any idea what this is a review for?

Good, but you have to grip the bottoms hard to get the tops off.

Tortoises.

There was a review for tubes of glitter

and finally what's being reviewed here.

I got this out of curiosity after it was referenced repeatedly in Call the Midwife.

A backstreet abortion.

It was a review of Horlick's Malt.

Oh, I must get some of that.

Well, it's now time for some music in the game called Songstoppers.

In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs, and it's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, you may be interested to learn how in the 80s Column once handled ELO, REM, and ABC.

That, of course, was before someone told him he was only allowed to hold seven tiles at a time.

Okay, you can go first.

Andy and Richard, can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

Gaude Tay, Gaude Te, Christos, says Natus, ex moria vigina.

Gout a te.

Time to go home, your holiness, your piss.

Breaking rocks in the hot sun.

I fought the law and the law won.

Bit of a come-down, eh, Mr.

Trump?

Sorry, I'm a lady.

Sorry, I'm a lady.

I would rather be.

Non-binary.

What are you doing the rest of your life?

Maliciously contesting planning applications.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Don't you?

Don't you?

No, because my girlfriend, as you put it, is in fact the pearly king of Hoxton.

Is there something strange in your neighborhood?

Who you gonna call?

The Daily Mail.

And they called it Poppy Love.

But the CPS called it bestiality.

Do what did

he dump, diddy dumb is not an answer this COVID inquiry can accept, Mr.

Dunstan.

Your turn, Pippa and Tony.

Out on the wine,

the boys red roll and fall in green.

Somebody's had too many pints of Yorkshire pitter.

When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's unlikely

when

I fall in love.

It will be forever,

or I'll never

fall

in love.

It's the second one.

Touch me.

No,

you can reach me by railway

in your bloody dreams, pal.

Remember that tank top you bought me?

You wrote your gorgeous sonnet.

No, no, no.

I wrote your egregious.

My mind,

I won a luna party and did surrender.

Actually, he surrendered at the port of Rochefort.

Oh,

off, Tony.

I sit and wait.

Does an angel

contemplate my fate?

No, Tony, it'll be a judge.

And so this is Christmas.

And what have you done?

I've bought all the food.

I've wrapped the presents.

I've tied for the house.

What have you done, Ladies Doc?

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the funereal flush of fate dispatches the gilded goldfish of grief down the tear-stained toilet of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So from the team, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Nestor, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Cody Hawks, Pippa Evans, Andy Hamilton, and the Reverend Richard Coles were being given singing things to do by Jack E, with Colin Sell setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick and the producer was John Maismith.