Series 83 - 6. Dinner Table or Bedroom

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us today on a visit to Leicester,

the city famed throughout the world as the stepbrother Derby doesn't talk about.

After he was killed at the Battle of Bosworth in 1485, Richard III was buried in Leicester.

In 2015, the remains of King Richard III were reinterred in a ceremony at Leicester Cathedral conducted by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Despite Richard's villainous reputation, the service was widely agreed to be incredibly moving, and the Archbishop spoke for many when he said that the event had brought quite a lump to his back.

Walker's Crisps was founded in 1948 by Henry Walker.

The Leicester factory makes 11 million bags of crisps every day.

And if you've eaten a packet of Walkers recently, you won't be surprised to learn that to produce 11 million bags of crisps, the factory requires up to eight potatoes.

The brother of legendary music producer Phil Spector lives and works in Leicester.

According to LinkedIn, Crispin Spector is currently head of quality control at Walkers.

For a long time, the good people of Leicestershire have eagerly championed and consumed their own local produce from Walker's crisps to Melton Mowbray pork pies and Stilton cheese and coincidentally the county's oldest man last week celebrated his 53rd birthday

Let's meet the teams

on my right please welcome Pippa Evans and Tony Hawkes

And on my left, Andy Hamilton and the Reverend Richard Coles

And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me, please welcome our resident tree trunk in trunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Well, we begin this week with a round called Add a Word, Ruin a Song.

A good song title can mean the difference between a platinum disc hit and a bargain bin disaster.

And with this in mind, teams, I'd like you please to suggest songs likely to be ruined with the addition of a single extra word word to their title.

Andy, you can start.

Tell Laura I love her sister.

Pippa.

The long and winding roadworks.

Richard.

We're only making plans for Nigel Farage.

Tony.

Beethoven's fifth best symphony.

Voule bou couchet avaic moi ce soie mabis

three times a lady boy

Hello, blow up dolly

take five emodium

Don't leave me this way up

I left my heart pills in San Francisco.

Don't stand so bloody close to me.

High-ho, silver panty lining.

It's raining removal men.

I'm dreaming of a white nationalist Christmas.

Well, it's time for a musical round now, as I ask the teams to sing one song to the tune of another.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Colin was telling us that a Gloucester dairy farmer has just started piping Colin's own recording of Chopin's piano concerto number one into his milking shed.

It's still early days, but already the farmer says he's seen his yield of sour cream increase by 800%.

Richard Coles, you're to start, please, and I'd like you to sing the words of I Predict a Riot by the Kaiser Chiefs to the tune of Climb Every Mountain from the Sound of Music.

Watching the people get lairy,

it's not very pretty, I tell thee.

Walking through town is quite scary,

it's not very sensible either.

A friend of a friend, he got beaten.

He looked the wrong way, and a policeman

would never have happened to Smeaton

an old Leodencian.

La la

la la la la la la.

I predict a riot,

I predict a riot.

I drive to get to my taxi.

The man in a track suit attacks me.

He said that he saw it before me

that he wants to get things a bit

glory

Your turn, Pippa Evans.

I'd like you to sing the words of There's No One Quite Like Grandma

to the tune of the Phil Collins song Against All Odds.

Take a look at me now.

There is no one quite like grandma

and I know you will agree

that she always is a friend to you and she's a friend to me.

There's no one quite like grandma.

She's there in times of need

Before it's bedtime on her knee To us a book she'll read

Grandma, we love you

Grandma, we do

Though you may be far away we think of you

And one day when we are older

We will look back and say

there is no one quite like grandma.

She has helped us on our way.

Grandma, we love you.

Grandma, we do.

Grandma, we love you.

Grandma, we do.

There is no one quite like grandma.

I'm welling up.

I think that worked, didn't it?

It was

slightly better than the original

anthem of self-pity that Phil Collins came up with.

And finally, Tony Hawks, I want you to sing the words of One Man Went to Mow

to the tune of Don't Lead Me This Way by

Richard's old band, The Communards, featuring Jimmy Somerville on vocals.

One man went to Mohammed

Winter Mower

Medo, one man and his dog went to

Moa Mido to

Midwinter

Winter Moore

Medal two men one man and his dog

Winter Moa Meadow

Three men

with more winch more middle

three men two men one man and a dog

Winchmo and middle for me winch

Two men, with more women, four men, win

three men, two men, one man, and they go

with more men

and men

five men with two more

with two more

men who five men, four men, three men, two men,

one man at his door.

Well, this next round is called word for word, and it's all about words.

The Norwegians have a word, Bjørnetjenst, which describes the action of trying so hard to be helpful that you end up making the situation a whole lot worse.

Of course, in English, we don't have a word for that.

Our nearest equivalent would be eat out to help out.

Well, in this round, each team takes it in turn to exchange a series of words while the opposing team should challenge if they detect a connection between any of these words.

So, I'd like you to start exchanging completely unconnected words, Richard and Andy.

Tony and Pippa, your job is to try to spot a connection.

If I uphold the challenge, I'll ask you to take over, and so on.

So, off you go, please.

Richard and Andy.

Corduroy.

Brimstone.

Pancake.

Tulip.

Chamberlain.

Clink.

That was Pippa.

Chamberlain.

And Clink.

Chamberlain would have put some people in prison, and that's what Clink means.

Why would he have put people in prison?

Because didn't he have that power?

As the Prime Minister, can't you put prison?

I'm sure you can do that.

Can't you?

War crimes.

Do you want to defend your position?

No, not really.

Yeah, that's rubbish.

Well, that was easy then.

Yeah, so

over to Pippa and Tony.

Dribble

Thresh.

Richard, Dribble Thresh?

I thought you said thrush.

Sorry.

So, on

Dribble Thresh, you're forgetting the famous agricultural occupational illness that

a lot of threshers in the 19th century had of dribble threshold, which was,

you know, I mean, not a laughing matter for them,

it was rampant throughout the farming community, and I think it's a little bit insensitive to a point of

symptoms.

What were the symptoms, Andy?

Of dribble threshold.

Well, it was awful, Jack.

They would be right there threshing,

and because of all the kind of the spores and stuff off the wheat in the air they would start to dribble uncontrollably and before long like their shirts every clothes was soaked in dribble and they had to explain to the farmer I've got to go and change my clothes because they're covered in dribble and the farmer said no you look I'm not paying you one groat a day for you to bunk off and so and it was awful incredible such a terrible thing that nobody bothered to report on

no they did because I knew about it

because because I spent some time in history studying the agricultural plight of workers in the 19th century, anyway.

Too soon, Tony.

Yeah, yeah, all right, yeah.

Look, it was a bit insensitive of me, and you know, I made a bit of a mistake.

All right, well,

let's let it go.

I think we'll, I mean, Andy sounds like he knows what he's talking about, so we'll give him

dribble thresh, and

so it is.

It's yes, it's over to Andy and Richard.

Tulip,

ox,

Tony, Repetition.

Well spotted.

Well spotted.

Repetition of Tulip.

But we are in the wrong game.

I'm going to do hesitation now as well,

just to wind you up.

Over to Pippa and Tony.

Macho.

Copious.

Elementary.

Andy, Copius Elementary.

Yeah, it's a school Copius Elementary.

Named after a local benefactor in the Loughborough area.

And,

you know, it's had some famous alumni.

Have they?

Who have they had there?

Sir Marvin Pecklethwaite,

who came up with a cure for dribble thresh.

Pippa and Tony, you certainly walked into that one, didn't you?

Back to Andy and Richard.

Oh,

and that gong reminds me that I just pressed the button to make it go.

It also means that's the end of that round.

Thank you, players.

Well, this next round is called specialist greeting cards.

I vividly remember the heady days of my youth hurriedly opening all those birthday cards and watching the crisp notes fall out onto the table in front of me.

What great times we had working at the sorting office.

However, teams, there's definitely a gap in the UK greetings card market, so I'd like you please to suggest niche greeting cards for a specific occasion not currently catered for by the greetings cards manufacturers.

So, together with the rhymes or messages inside, Richard, you can start this.

On hearing you've been tasered.

Sorry, you've been tasered and were plugged into a pylon.

In future, stay within the law and don't wear pants of nylon.

Pippa.

On getting a GP appointment.

Well done, you, you lucky thing.

You're seeing your GP.

On Wednesday, the 3rd of May, at two o'clock, I see.

Let's hope your doctor's still alive in 2043.

Tony, congratulations on your eye test.

You said your sight was blurry when it was actually quite pucker, and your drive to Barnard Castle proves that you're relying for once ah, Andy.

On being appointed Chelsea manager.

Congrats, I saw it on the news.

The blues announced you're hired.

The chairman sang your praises and oh wait, you've just been fired

with sympathy on your first STD.

We thought you were a butterfly emerging from your chrysalis, but you were not.

But you have yet to take the wing because you've contracted syphilis

on reaching menopause.

It can be a tricky stage of life.

Hot flushes can take some beating.

Though, how nice in a cost of living crisis to have your own central heating.

Congratulations to a water company on delivering increased dividends to its shareholders for 10 years in a row.

Well done, Seven Trent Water, the company that delivers.

If only it was cheaper bills, not shit into our rivers.

Commiserations on being scammed.

So sorry to hear how you were duped.

The hurt must make you wince.

You were only being helpful to that nice Nigerian prince.

Well, don't worry, I am here for you.

True friendship never pales.

I only need your love and trust and all your bank details.

Congratulations on becoming Prime Minister.

Now it's time for someone else to be in charge of all of us.

And even though you're not that good, you can't be worse than trust.

On passing your British citizenship test.

Well done, you're one of us and won't be processed through departures.

I told you it was wise to learn the theme tune from the archers.

This next round is about the lost art of letter writing.

The world of publishing has long struggled to connect with younger readers.

Even adapting classic novels to appeal to millennials has rarely reaped the hoped-for rewards.

One only has to think of the John Le Carrie classic, Tinder Taylor Soldier Spy,

John Steinbeck's The Vapes of Wrath,

or the Herman Melville classic, Moby Dick Pic.

Okay, teams, you will now take it in turns, please, to improvise some written correspondence with two players providing one word each at a time.

So, Tony and Pippa, I'd like you to start by composing a letter of complaint from an aggrieved listener to Radio 4, and then Richard and Andy will come up with the reply, and so on.

So, off you go, please, Tony and Pippa.

Why?

Oh,

why?

Oh,

Why?

Why?

Why do you

insist on sacking my favourite Reverend Richard College?

He is so delicious.

He

speaks French

every

morning.

I wish I had woken woken up with him.

Richard, if you're listening,

I love you more than Crisps.

If you decide to bring back Richard to radio four, I would personally come to your recording studio and lay upon your lap

singing onward Christian soldiers

So

kids

let's get more Richard Coals

Yeah more Richard Coles more Richard Cole more Richard

yours sincerely Mrs Trellis

Dear Ms

or Ms.

Ms.

You cannot be serious.

Reverend Richard Coles is banished

because

of an incident which

I

am

not

able to

discuss.

Sorry, we stumbled onto something

discussed

publicly

for reasons that I am unable and unwilling

to divulge

legal requirements,

oblige me to tell nothing

concerning the incident which

happened one

Tuesday

behind

the

studio

manager.

H.R.

Artley,

who

incidentally

had witnessed

said incident,

refused to ever

venture into the building ever again.

He has received several death

threats

from the

people

who are reverend, mad

and

extreme weirdos

like

yourselves.

Yours

sincerely

and honestly,

Director General of the BBC.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

It is just time to fit in a quick round of Vicar's songbook.

Samantha is actually a member of the General Synod and recently caught the eye of the local archdeacon, who popped in unexpectedly one evening to inquire whether she'd consider ordination.

After thinking about it long and hard, she decided to stick with her usual lay position and thanked him for coming.

I thought we told Mary Berry she couldn't send any more material.

So, teams, your suggestions, please, of songs to suit an audience of vicars.

Reverend Richard Coles.

I don't like Sundays.

As said with feeling.

Pippa.

Hey, you get off of my shroud.

Andy.

K-Sir-Ah, Sira.

Whatever well be, well be.

Tony.

I won't let the nun go down on me.

Three coins in the collection.

I'm going to sit right down and write myself a letter to the Corinthians.

To altar boys I've loved before.

I just called

to say,

are you free to read the first lesson on Sunday?

What's new pussy catechism?

I'm a choir starter, twisted choir starter,

like a verger touched for the very first time.

I see you, baby, taking that mass.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the tenacious tooth fairy of time searches unsuccessfully under the plumped pillow of posterity, before resorting to the local anesthetic of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Nestor, Nestor, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Tony Hawks, Pippa Evans, Andy Hamilton, and the Reverend Richard Coles were being given silly things to do by Jack Dean, with Colin Sell setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steel and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Maismith.