#733 - ROB SCHNEIDER + DONNELL RAWLINGS

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

Speaker 5 hey this is redmit coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony giving up for tony hitch class

Speaker 12 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 14 Yes,

Speaker 14 we've done it again.

Speaker 15 Make some noise for Brighton Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 18 Watch the super likable co-host of Kill Tony.

Speaker 22 And one more time for the best stamp band in the land, ladies and gentlemen holy shit this is Kill Tony brought to you by talkspace prize picks and tocobas that's the great Carlos Sosa Fernando Castillo Raul Vallejo and Michael Gonzalez on the drums Matt Muelling on the electric guitar behind me the great John Dees on the keys and believe it or not live in the flesh that is de-madness ladies and gentlemen holy shit

Speaker 33 wow the energy in this room is is unbelievable.

Speaker 36 The air conditioner is working.

Speaker 40 It is a beautiful 71 degrees in this room tonight.

Speaker 41 And we have an amazing episode for you.

Speaker 44 I'm so excited about it.

Speaker 38 I'm in a really good mood.

Speaker 47 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Speaker 59 Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Speaker 31 Wow, well,

Speaker 49 well,

Speaker 49 we are.

Speaker 34 We are, by all measurements, the number one comedy show in the world right now.

Speaker 31 Colbert is out.

Speaker 18 Howard Stern is out.

Speaker 15 It's us.

Speaker 64 12 and a half years every Monday, and yet I've never had one of the guests that's on tonight's show, and I've always wanted this guest.

Speaker 68 The other guest has famously been on numerous times and leads the all-time record of walkouts by a guest during a taping of the show.

Speaker 45 What a chemistry match we have here tonight.

Speaker 44 Two comedy legends. One, one of the biggest comedy movie stars of all time.
Two, literally, one of the biggest comedy television show stars of all time.

Speaker 48 Famous for being on the number one comedy show of all time.

Speaker 15 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our guests, Rob Schneider and Donnell Rawling.

Speaker 80 Yeah,

Speaker 55 let's fucking go.

Speaker 15 Rob Schneider.

Speaker 15 Donnell Rawlings.

Speaker 81 Yes!

Speaker 55 Yes!

Speaker 55 Absolute fucking loot!

Speaker 56 Donnell!

Speaker 13 Donnell Rawlings!

Speaker 16 The Donnell Rawlings Show available everywhere!

Speaker 31 Rob Schneider is on tour, Rob Schneider.com.

Speaker 26 Rob, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 84 Fresh off of Happy Gilmore 2.

Speaker 85 Rob, motherfucking Schneider.

Speaker 18 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 85 You can do it.

Speaker 17 Number one show in the world.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 80 You did it.

Speaker 86 You did it.

Speaker 86 You did it.

Speaker 88 How exciting is this?

Speaker 73 We've always wanted Rob on the show, and we got him.

Speaker 58 Looking stunning tonight.

Speaker 7 To win for us, dressed up for us.

Speaker 89 We love it, Rob.

Speaker 20 Welcome to the kill tonight.

Speaker 93 I got this at Neiman Marcus in the gay bullfighting section

Speaker 14 fits so right I love it that's my favorite section at Neiman Marcus

Speaker 15 everybody knows it Donnell Rawlings I don't want to fucking be here

Speaker 85 The walk-off king of the show.

Speaker 15 Let me say something. You did that and you don't give a fuck about black lives.

Speaker 79 Oh my God.

Speaker 15 He gave me a shirt that says black lives do not fucking matter on this show.

Speaker 15 And is the funny thing we started as good friends yeah and i had a situation yeah right

Speaker 15 where people say i crashed out uh-huh

Speaker 15 he was one of the motherfuckers you was one of the motherfuckers and they've been torturing me for the last fucking five years yeah They said that you even came on my podcast and said I was Christopher walking off the show.

Speaker 15 And he's fucking, I love y'all, but y'all assholes at the same time.

Speaker 84 Don't give a fuck.

Speaker 96 Tell them what else I called you on that episode, your favorite one.

Speaker 76 What did I call you? What? I can't remember. I called you Dave's.

Speaker 15 Oh, no.

Speaker 15 And this is my friend. He said Dave Chappelle's butt plug.

Speaker 13 I called him Dave Chappelle's butt.

Speaker 15 What the fuck was that about?

Speaker 51 That's a good one.

Speaker 88 Yeah. That's what we call that.

Speaker 96 That's a good one right there.

Speaker 15 Yeah,

Speaker 15 and I'm telling you, these motherfuckers don't give a fuck about me. yeah

Speaker 15 why you laughing

Speaker 15 you don't give a fuck about me either son

Speaker 15 and it's i'm a father i love being a father yeah and i dealt with these kill tony fans for the last four years

Speaker 15 they keep with me tony they don't give a fuck that i'm a father that i'm a black man it's

Speaker 15 What the fuck is that?

Speaker 15 We're not going to do this. So listen.

Speaker 15 These motherfuckers are so fucking ruthless I posted a video of a core moment in my son's life

Speaker 15 I'm teaching him how to ride a fucking bike right Rob and then somebody one of your fucking fans says a good thing he look taught him how to ride a bike so he can walk out of his life instead of rolling out

Speaker 19 And I tell you that.

Speaker 104 Tell him about the top 10 video on YouTube.

Speaker 75 Oh, no, this is what you did for me.

Speaker 15 Thank you for the engagement, everybody. But

Speaker 15 you notice he's the biggest name in Connie right now, so his shorts fucking kill, right? So I was like, This: Oh, I just Googled myself one day and I wanted to see how people felt about me, right?

Speaker 15 I was like, I know they love the episode when I did with David Lucas. I got a standovation.
I know that.

Speaker 15 I was like, I'm gonna put Tony Henchcliffe, Kill Tony, and Donair Rollins in a search engine and see what happens.

Speaker 15 You know, the first thing that popped up, this is the first thing that popped up: the 10 worst guests in Kill Tony fucking history and I'm letting y'all know I'm proud to say fuck Ric Flair I'm number one

Speaker 80 I'm fucking number one bitch and

Speaker 49 so there you have

Speaker 97 me Tony no I care so much you care about this but you don't really care about him

Speaker 15 you had a 20-minute conversation yeah and this is your friend you said red how can we make you more likable more likeable no one knows about this

Speaker 15 and i looked i said

Speaker 49 it's not gonna happen

Speaker 49 okay but this is all about for me

Speaker 17 what is that

Speaker 15 is that a siren because i'm a black man on this panel oh it's a fire truck because when you walked off that one time we have to stop saying i walked off

Speaker 15 I removed myself from the situation.

Speaker 3 All right, with your feet, therefore it was a walk-off.

Speaker 61 So Rob Schneider is here.

Speaker 20 The number one ranked worst guest of all time, Donnell Rollings is here.

Speaker 49 It is Rob's first time, so if you don't know, Rob, over 300 people signed up for the chance to be on this show tonight.

Speaker 28 No doubt about it.

Speaker 49 They are at a bar next door.

Speaker 91 If I pull one of these names and hand it off to our trusty assistant Colt over here, he goes and wrangles the person there backstage.

Speaker 49 They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to impress us with their hopefully stand-up comedy talent.

Speaker 40 And you know their time is up when you're the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 58 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 115 Which rudely interrupts them.

Speaker 34 And then I conduct an interview with them.

Speaker 42 We all have fun together.

Speaker 117 The entire thing's improvised.

Speaker 91 Anything can happen.

Speaker 44 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 63 Well, here we go your first minute tonight while we go wrangle that first bucket pull is from an illustrious golden ticket winner one of the best golden ticket winners in the history of the show ladies and gentlemen this is a brand new minute from the great and powerful Martin Phillips everybody here we go

Speaker 51 you know a lot of comedians where they they do jokes they get the bumped at the end but i don't always have a dropper so i use a robotica.

Speaker 76 So here we go.

Speaker 92 I stay at hotels.

Speaker 121 Nice hotels can be expensive.

Speaker 120 It's like dang $400.

Speaker 10 The prostitute was $800 and I'm losing money.

Speaker 92 My favorite soda is Sprite with Cotsworth.

Speaker 46 It's in a choir taste.

Speaker 60 It's like, sure, I'm fucked up, but I don't have a cold.

Speaker 122 I take my dog places.

Speaker 120 He's not an assistant dog, but you know, a guy like me, you know what's going to question it.

Speaker 122 But I think I can bring any animal with me, you know.

Speaker 123 I think they'd be like, oh, yes.

Speaker 108 That raccoon helps him.

Speaker 122 Yes,

Speaker 58 he has hands.

Speaker 124 Wow.

Speaker 22 Martin Phillips has done it again.

Speaker 29 He has a brand new harmonica.

Speaker 38 This is brand new.

Speaker 58 Guess what?

Speaker 120 What? I don't know how to play harmonica.

Speaker 79 Wow.

Speaker 13 I have

Speaker 122 no experience.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 49 I didn't even guess that.

Speaker 47 You sounded fantastic to bangs.

Speaker 120 Some type of. I think if you add cocaine, it's Uncle Laser.

Speaker 75 That's true.

Speaker 125 Can you imagine doing cocaine with him?

Speaker 11 The cocaine will be everywhere.

Speaker 75 All right. Who's ready?

Speaker 79 No way.

Speaker 66 No way.

Speaker 75 Who's ready to hit this shit right here?

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 51 No, this is right.

Speaker 15 Dude, you have a girlfriend?

Speaker 125 I know you got a girlfriend. You know why?

Speaker 62 Because I'm watching and your fingers was just going crazy.

Speaker 15 Bitches, he was like this.

Speaker 19 I want to make you come.

Speaker 4 He sounded like Audrey Hempburn or Golden Pond.

Speaker 127 I want to make you come.

Speaker 15 Take this finger, bitch,

Speaker 15 and do this line of cocaine.

Speaker 75 Hey, Dora, how about you take a walk?

Speaker 31 I will.

Speaker 15 I will take a walk. If you walk with me, it'll take 30 minutes to get out this goddamn building.

Speaker 127 Something's gotta hold on me lately.

Speaker 51 Wow,

Speaker 15 funny stuff, though, brother. Very funny stuff.

Speaker 13 Thank you.

Speaker 124 That was fantastic, Martin.

Speaker 13 Very funny.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 129 My favorite part of that diss on Donnell was that you called him Darnell.

Speaker 51 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 97 No, he did.

Speaker 130 He said Darnell.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 18 See how it's out?

Speaker 121 It's funny.

Speaker 10 Last episode, I thought I was disappointed.

Speaker 3 And I admit it.

Speaker 121 I thought I was kind of mad.

Speaker 120 The episode just dropped.

Speaker 121 I was looking at reviews.

Speaker 10 Turns out nobody could understand me anyway.

Speaker 49 So I was like, okay, cool. Okay.

Speaker 79 I'm still good.

Speaker 15 Can when I say something, Tony? Yes.

Speaker 15 Even I know that's a joke, but what I understand about you, just watching you, the passion that you have for comedy, I know it's not easy to come up here to deal with the things that you deal with life and still want to put a smile on people's faces and have a good time so whatever we can crack jokes whatever but I respect that I see it in your face and I see I can just tell how hard you go so

Speaker 22 good job fuck yeah

Speaker 93 hell yeah I thought that it was really funny and I would have chosen instead of a raccoon a ferret okay

Speaker 93 and then I think it I think you know as a closer you can uh just think of it I'm just a suggestion you could pull the ferret out of your ass at the very end, you know.

Speaker 93 As a closer, you don't want to do that early because then you can't follow it.

Speaker 124 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 46 yeah.

Speaker 93 And then you also have a ferret with shit all over it, which is another problem.

Speaker 93 These are just ideas. You don't have to use any of them.
I won't take it personally.

Speaker 93 You just, it's up to you. I've just put it out there.

Speaker 9 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 30 You're still dressed like a male Giccolo.

Speaker 134 I normally charge $10, but I'm willing to negotiate.

Speaker 19 That's a huge bitch!

Speaker 10 You had sex with the cripple lady in the movie,

Speaker 62 the one leg lady.

Speaker 49 Yeah,

Speaker 122 it's like, you know,

Speaker 69 you were an early outline, I guess.

Speaker 122 Even though you didn't like that she had one leg, but it was the movie.

Speaker 93 I originally wrote it, I wasn't sure if she had one leg or a penis. I wasn't sure at the time that was really way ahead, if you think about it.

Speaker 122 Now, I have both legs and a penis.

Speaker 51 Martin, you are absolutely on fire.

Speaker 23 What a fucking way to start tonight's episode.

Speaker 22 Ungoddam believable.

Speaker 29 Make some goddamn noise one more time for Martin Phillips

Speaker 22 and we are off and running holy shit into the bucket we go.

Speaker 32 Oh shit

Speaker 118 The lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 15 See this how it starts Tony that's how it starts.

Speaker 7 That's that walk-off juice right there

Speaker 24 Red Bull gives you wings that gives Donnell legs

Speaker 68 Your first bucket pull tonight.

Speaker 89 You guys know how this works.

Speaker 68 If you don't, anything can happen.

Speaker 96 It could be a crazy person.

Speaker 14 It could be the next great talent of the show.

Speaker 28 It could literally be the next best comedian on planet Earth.

Speaker 34 Or it could be someone that's put no preparation into this whatsoever.

Speaker 65 Could be someone super stable.

Speaker 44 Could be someone completely insane.

Speaker 28 Anything can happen.

Speaker 73 There's no show like it.

Speaker 25 Your first bucket pull of the night, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, is Brandon La Caruba.

Speaker 13 Brandon La Caruba.

Speaker 135 What's going on, everybody?

Speaker 136 I got cut off by a Waymo the other day,

Speaker 137 and I didn't know what slur to say at it, you know?

Speaker 62 It was confusing, it was empty.

Speaker 139 But then it occurred to me that the whole time I've known about Waymos, they've always had slur energy.

Speaker 137 I'm like, who is fucking a Waymo?

Speaker 138 Then I was like, what type of people is a Waymo? And it kind of made sense.

Speaker 137 It's very fat people.

Speaker 137 Because they weigh Mo than you.

Speaker 138 I lost about 60 pounds doing the keto diet, which you guys are in Austin.

Speaker 137 You know what the keto diet is. It's high fat, low carb, two Adderall a day.

Speaker 136 And you lose a lot of weight.

Speaker 137 I'm just saying. It's like having to bake an egg in speed in the morning.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 137 Worst part about being formerly very fat is the stretch marks don't go away despite this one demographic that's constantly like trying to weigh in you know formerly pregnant ladies

Speaker 137 we like to call them moms

Speaker 58 no they're always like Brandon cocoa butter makes the stretch marks go away and I've eaten so much cocoa butter and they are still there I'm done thank you Brandon La Caruba am I saying that correctly perfect is that Italian Italiano are you 100% Italian?

Speaker 132 75.

Speaker 96 75.

Speaker 115 What's the other 25?

Speaker 141 Ukrainian.

Speaker 69 Whoa, look at that.

Speaker 113 Oh, yeah, we got a Ukraine in the air.

Speaker 44 I don't understand why that 75% Italian just doesn't completely take over that simple 25% Ukrainian.

Speaker 132 You know what I mean?

Speaker 123 Such an easy pushover.

Speaker 49 Get that wrong.

Speaker 15 He did a minute on Waymo jokes, and half these motherfuckers only know what Waymo is.

Speaker 15 I was expecting you to have Waymo jokes in that, but

Speaker 78 Brandon, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 137 Six years and change.

Speaker 115 Six years and change.

Speaker 39 Where at?

Speaker 141 Where are you from?

Speaker 103 Long Island,

Speaker 137 you know, for five years. Moved out here about a year ago.
Nice. Got on last October and just been having a good time.

Speaker 141 I love it. What do you do for a living?

Speaker 137 I am a professional game show host.

Speaker 76 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 137 What kind of game show you?

Speaker 139 Shout out Game On ATX, my employer.

Speaker 136 They do

Speaker 137 survey style games and wheel word puzzle style games.

Speaker 137 The last time I was on, I said what we're directly based on and I almost got in trouble. So

Speaker 62 it's cool.

Speaker 139 It's a dream job. X-rated family feud questions are they're really fun.

Speaker 34 Nice. That sounds like fun.

Speaker 47 So that happens at like bars and stuff.

Speaker 137 No, it's a brick and mortar, a lot of like company

Speaker 137 like team building exercises and then a lot of bachelorette parties and people at night and just hanging out. It's a fun thing.

Speaker 43 What's the craziest thing that's ever happened at one of these taping tutors?

Speaker 137 I was producing for a game, and uh, someone threw a mostly full beer can at the person that was hosting, and then that baller was like, No, we're gonna keep going, we're not kicking them out, we're not ruining this person's birthday.

Speaker 137 That was, but that was that was pretty ridiculous.

Speaker 135 A lot of people make their name tags because you got to have like a fake pretend game show name.

Speaker 137 A lot of people make their name like a slur, okay, what a racial slur?

Speaker 124 Oh, no, the other

Speaker 132 type.

Speaker 15 I'm just checking it, yeah, the regular ones, yeah.

Speaker 15 N-word doesn't mean neighbor.

Speaker 136 Okay, no, we've recently had to start screening people for the N-word specifically.

Speaker 88 Sorry about that.

Speaker 144 Did I laugh too hard?

Speaker 84 Are you really?

Speaker 49 Rob. Did I laugh too hard at that?

Speaker 93 First of all, you're very professional. You could tell that you have very good, your voice, that you're very confident up there.
Now, you don't have to end with this.

Speaker 93 It's just a suggestion, but you could.

Speaker 93 You could have a ferret come out of your ass. I'm just putting it out there.

Speaker 93 Now, these are just professional suggestions,

Speaker 93 but I want to thank you. I want to thank you.
And I do think they're for not showing your stretch marks because I do think there was a curiosity, at least from this side of the room.

Speaker 15 No diddy, no diddy, no diddy.

Speaker 145 But I mean,

Speaker 93 I'm just saying, these are just suggestions. This is my first time on the show, so I don't know how far I'm supposed to go with these.

Speaker 51 I love it.

Speaker 132 I love it.

Speaker 45 Rob Schneider, by the way, is on tour.

Speaker 58 I don't want to give away what his closer might be, but

Speaker 104 tickets are at robschneider.com.

Speaker 49 Pretty sure you can watch a pull of ferret out of his ass.

Speaker 90 I'm like 85% sure right now.

Speaker 25 Well, that show ends with a bang, dude.

Speaker 139 So, Rob is on my soundboard at work.

Speaker 137 I'm sure you can imagine what the button is.

Speaker 136 That's the you can do it button.

Speaker 137 And it's cool to meet you, man.

Speaker 93 Adam Sandler's calling.

Speaker 33 I don't know.

Speaker 111 What's the button?

Speaker 72 Oh, no, it's you can do it.

Speaker 49 Oh, you can do it. Okay.

Speaker 144 That was cool. Yeah.

Speaker 146 Hell yeah.

Speaker 18 Right on. Thank you for that.
Hey, thank you. Very good, man.

Speaker 49 All right. talk.
Brandon, night long.

Speaker 15 Wake her us up.

Speaker 79 We're going to win tomorrow.

Speaker 37 Brandon, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 91 Tell us something crazy about your life or something. You're in the interview part of Kill Tony.

Speaker 34 You've had some time to think about it since last October.

Speaker 137 Yeah, for sure. I'm a huge dork.

Speaker 137 I love anime. I love Transformers.
I got a little Autobot.

Speaker 69 Whoa.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 137 I play Smash Brothers for money.

Speaker 46 Wow. Which is fun.
Yeah, a lot of women.

Speaker 102 Smash Brothers. A lot of women like something in Atlanta.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Yah!

Speaker 105 Yes.

Speaker 94 Dono, Rod.

Speaker 19 Yah!

Speaker 60 From three.

Speaker 15 Get this fearing out of my ass.

Speaker 139 But I had a lot of fun this weekend.

Speaker 137 I was working on a friend's show called the Hamburger Club, the comedy game show at the Creek in the Cave.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 132 And I had to shout them out.

Speaker 137 It's a great format, super fun. They'll be back in Austin for sure.

Speaker 49 Okay, well, well, there you go.

Speaker 139 I'm sorry. It was just the best comedy thing I was a part of in a long time.

Speaker 137 It was cool.

Speaker 135 You're a pro.

Speaker 93 You've got a great technique, great mic technique. I think you should dress up.
I'm not saying gay bullfighter for you necessarily. Yeah.
But I think, you know,

Speaker 137 that would be a good thing.

Speaker 79 You can do a button down.

Speaker 103 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 137 Yeah. Thank you.
I appreciate that.

Speaker 141 Very good. You're a real pro, man.

Speaker 76 You're going to do great.

Speaker 40 Yeah, that's like a free t-shirt that you got from a Green Lawn family restaurant.

Speaker 35 Where's that at?

Speaker 147 Whoa, whoa, whoa. They don't sell these.

Speaker 137 I had to ask for this from my favorite diner before I moved out of New York.

Speaker 148 You are the shout-out shout-out king.

Speaker 29 Can I tell you that?

Speaker 76 Yo, it is.

Speaker 139 If they see one extra customer from this, I would be very surprised.

Speaker 93 No, it's just wearing something that gives the audience the feeling that you give a fuck, you know, is one of the things.

Speaker 15 I mean, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 15 Rob, can I add to that? And I agree with you 100%, right? Like, the way you look. And I was going to wear a suit today, right?

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 15 I was like, just because as comedians, we got the flexibility to do whatever we want. A lot of times people dress down, but I understand what you're saying about the importance of it.
it.

Speaker 15 But I didn't want to wear a suit because I didn't want people like this.

Speaker 97 He's probably going to walk off and go to court in that same suit.

Speaker 4 So that's the only reason.

Speaker 14 No doubt about it.

Speaker 37 Brandon, did you get a big joke book last time you were on?

Speaker 67 A little one?

Speaker 49 Well, guess what, Brandon?

Speaker 89 Little upgrade for you.

Speaker 63 It's a big one.

Speaker 119 Brandon La Karuba was your first bucket full of the night.

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Speaker 27 Wow, that was amazing, Tony.

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Speaker 100 Oh, hello there.

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Speaker 151 And here we go. We're playing with fire.

Speaker 23 Pure momentum as we come into bucket pool number two.

Speaker 71 We're going to keep it moving right along.

Speaker 116 This is a minute uninterrupted for Eric Bell, ladies and gentlemen. Eric Bell.

Speaker 152 Any fans of foreplay in the crowd tonight?

Speaker 152 Yeah, I like a little bit of foreplay.

Speaker 152 Guys, ever heard of Irish Dirty Talk?

Speaker 97 Yeah,

Speaker 152 it's when you're both in bed, right?

Speaker 152 And she's already asleep, but you're having trouble getting to sleep.

Speaker 152 So you tap her gently on the shoulder and say,

Speaker 152 Are you awake?

Speaker 152 And before she can answer, you're already in.

Speaker 100 Hey,

Speaker 100 hey,

Speaker 152 I also have a version of that for you ladies.

Speaker 152 Okay, ladies,

Speaker 153 if

Speaker 152 you're in bed with your man,

Speaker 152 he's falling asleep, but you're awake,

Speaker 152 you could just lean over to the side table, open the drawer, grab something out of it, tap him on the shoulder, and say, Are you awake?

Speaker 152 And before he answers, you're already inside him.

Speaker 132 Okay, Eric Bell, ladies and gentlemen. gentlemen.

Speaker 93 Listen.

Speaker 48 Doing a special kind of...

Speaker 93 I just want to say

Speaker 93 I don't think a ferret wants to go in your asshole.

Speaker 93 First of all, that's one.

Speaker 15 Two.

Speaker 139 I don't know if rape jokes are quite back yet, but it's an interesting

Speaker 113 area.

Speaker 93 That could be opening soon.

Speaker 72 And you're there early.

Speaker 145 That's all I'm saying.

Speaker 76 Very early.

Speaker 49 You have arrived early indeed to that one.

Speaker 15 He looks like the poster boy for what is that called?

Speaker 100 Cuck hole? What is that?

Speaker 7 Something like that.

Speaker 15 Like, oh, you can fuck my wife on her birthday. He just looks like the poster child for that guy.

Speaker 89 That is some creepy material you have there, Eric Bell.

Speaker 78 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 141 Two years.

Speaker 103 Where at?

Speaker 152 Central Texas, Texas, Bell County.

Speaker 69 Okay. Yeah, you never heard of it.

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 112 And what do you do for work up there?

Speaker 81 I am a medical courier.

Speaker 39 What exactly does that mean?

Speaker 155 Well,

Speaker 152 I drop off. Well, I pick up medical specimens such as

Speaker 15 do it for Diddy.

Speaker 11 Ben, boys.

Speaker 29 I think I have an image of what you do for a living now.

Speaker 22 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 69 A courier, huh?

Speaker 130 Oh, my God.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 116 Okay. How long you been doing that for?

Speaker 55 Four months.

Speaker 4 Am I in the ribograph?

Speaker 147 I was just going off what you were doing.

Speaker 93 That wasn't mine.

Speaker 4 That was his.

Speaker 100 Four months for anything.

Speaker 158 Four months of transporting bodily fluids. What were you doing before that?

Speaker 159 What were you doing five months ago?

Speaker 152 Auto parts.

Speaker 11 Auto parts.

Speaker 58 Wow. It's all over the place.

Speaker 9 Oh, my God.

Speaker 160 What made you want to get into the medical courier business?

Speaker 152 They just paid four bucks more an hour.

Speaker 46 Okay.

Speaker 75 Wow.

Speaker 93 Were you a good mechanic?

Speaker 152 I'm like a Z-plus mechanic.

Speaker 30 What does that mean?

Speaker 152 I kind of middle, like I could change oils, rotors, brake pads, you know, just middling shit. Okay.

Speaker 160 How did you learn how to do all that? You have a dad growing up?

Speaker 46 Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 152 And grandfather had a lot of antique cars and shit.

Speaker 93 Okay. Are you ever transporting a kidney sometimes and you go, you know what? I'm just going to stop and have a beer first before I do it.

Speaker 152 I did have a co-worker that had to transport a human leg.

Speaker 39 Whoa, what was that for?

Speaker 67 Where were they taking the leg?

Speaker 152 She didn't tell me. She quit.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 138 But she had one leg she couldn't just walk off.

Speaker 93 I think you got an area here for jokes that you could use, my friend, with your own life right there instead of with the wife putting something up the man's ass.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 152 Rape jokes, thumbs down.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 93 I think

Speaker 93 the audience responded appropriately to that material.

Speaker 51 Exactly.

Speaker 24 No means no.

Speaker 101 Not really. really.

Speaker 15 You got some nose like this, Tony.

Speaker 55 No.

Speaker 15 I'm going right through that no.

Speaker 37 I don't know.

Speaker 158 I still don't understand.

Speaker 65 Where were they taking this leg?

Speaker 93 No, first of all, it's no. Is it no papi, no, papi?

Speaker 162 That's the difference.

Speaker 93 Papi, no, poppy.

Speaker 15 That's a yes for me.

Speaker 94 That's a yes.

Speaker 125 That's a clear yes. And maybe even a little choking in there.

Speaker 15 Shout out to Shannon Sharp.

Speaker 24 Where were they taking this leg?

Speaker 14 I can't get it off my mind.

Speaker 94 Is there a leg transplant or something?

Speaker 155 Yes, I assume it was.

Speaker 146 A leg transplant?

Speaker 155 I assume it was. Is that a fucking thing?

Speaker 7 I've never heard of this.

Speaker 152 I mean, like I said, she quit, so I didn't get to hear the whole story.

Speaker 93 No, that was a movie that they were bringing it over. One of my movies, Deuce Pigelo.

Speaker 51 We had the leg over there.

Speaker 60 This is incredible.

Speaker 39 A leg. Yeah.

Speaker 67 Like from the knee down, do you know how big the leg was?

Speaker 152 We didn't get into a lot of specifics.

Speaker 33 Was there a thigh involved?

Speaker 51 Leg, thigh.

Speaker 89 I don't want to make Donnell hungry over here about this.

Speaker 18 Leg, thigh,

Speaker 108 black community. That's called diabetes.

Speaker 93 Leg, thigh.

Speaker 113 Was there any waffles including with that?

Speaker 49 Waffles

Speaker 49 and the thighs.

Speaker 152 jokes.

Speaker 47 No, your rape jokes are completely insane.

Speaker 78 Our jokes are 100%

Speaker 81 fan-approved.

Speaker 37 Your shit is frightening, dude.

Speaker 142 I'll retire it.

Speaker 69 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 104 Eric, tell us something crazy about your life before I get you out of here.

Speaker 137 Okay.

Speaker 152 I'm a songwriter.

Speaker 28 What kind of songs do you write?

Speaker 98 Medical songs.

Speaker 106 Rate me.

Speaker 97 Rape me,

Speaker 90 my friend.

Speaker 152 Mostly songs she she said.

Speaker 19 She said no, she said no, she said no.

Speaker 15 She said no, she said no, I said yes.

Speaker 15 She said no, she said no, she said no.

Speaker 15 She said no, she said no, I said yes.

Speaker 15 She said no, she said no, she said no.

Speaker 55 She said no, I said bitch, yeah.

Speaker 29 Man, what kind of songs do you write?

Speaker 152 I don't, mostly songs about my ex.

Speaker 90 Okay.

Speaker 34 Do you have a song about your ex that you'd like to do right now?

Speaker 9 Actually,

Speaker 152 we're going to go for broke here. Yes, I do.

Speaker 126 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 33 I don't write my own music, though.

Speaker 152 None of that hacks.

Speaker 41 So what are you saying? What does that mean?

Speaker 153 Well,

Speaker 152 I take already existing music and just kind of sing my own lyrics.

Speaker 15 Just sing, nigga.

Speaker 127 Yes, sing.

Speaker 46 Just do it. Sorry to band.

Speaker 45 Don't play with them.

Speaker 79 Let them die off.

Speaker 49 Come in, neighbor. Sing, neighbor.
That's how you do it.

Speaker 51 There we go.

Speaker 152 Do you guys remember the music?

Speaker 72 Just sing.

Speaker 19 Just sing the fucking song.

Speaker 51 Even these questions.

Speaker 4 My God.

Speaker 152 All right, Tegan, this one's for you.

Speaker 149 To the tune of Lone Ranger.

Speaker 62 Sing, bitch.

Speaker 135 Suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a big, bad dick, suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a big, bad, dick.

Speaker 45 All right, I'm going to stop you right there.

Speaker 49 You don't write shit.

Speaker 111 That's not songwriting.

Speaker 51 Oh, boo.

Speaker 19 Here's a little joke book, Eric.

Speaker 45 Congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 14 You were the second bucket pull of the night, Eric Bell.

Speaker 23 I want to do something fun right now.

Speaker 91 Donnell had an amazing opener with him all weekend, and we got to hang out.

Speaker 129 We had some drinks together, and all of us were listening to music, having a good old time.

Speaker 14 I want to give this guy a little bit of stage time.

Speaker 68 Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Adrian Washington, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 166 Anybody got nieces and nephews? You don't know their real name?

Speaker 166 Like, I come from a big family.

Speaker 166 I got, like, 40 nieces and nephews that i know about right one of my sisters called me one day says adrian i'm running late can you swing by the school pick the kids up for me i said yeah sis don't worry i got you i was excited because i they didn't know i was coming so i wanted to surprise them i got to the school and the principal was like hey who you here to get i said uh

Speaker 138 that is a very good question sir I said,

Speaker 166 I got to step outside and make a phone call. Because I was like, there's no way I can tell this man I'm here to pick up Fat Daddy and Bug.

Speaker 166 I tell this motherfucker I'm picking up fat daddy and boog, they gonna call CPS on my mother's fucking ass.

Speaker 166 I walked outside, I called my sister, I said, hey, who are these niggas that I'm looking for?

Speaker 166 Another time I was coming off the road and my wife called me. She said, hey, what you want me to take out for dinner? I said, them titties, just like that.

Speaker 138 Didn't think twice.

Speaker 166 I heard my daughter say, oh, dad.

Speaker 93 True story.

Speaker 166 My wife said, yeah, you on speakerphone. I said, why you ain't say that when I answer the fucking phone? You know I I ain't speaking phone material, right?

Speaker 154 But as a parent, you got to try to fix it.

Speaker 166 So I was like, hey, put my baby on the phone. My daughter got on the phone on awkward and shit.
She's like, yeah, dad. All I have was this, y'all.
I was like, hey, listen up.

Speaker 166 I said, one day, somebody's going to say that shit to you.

Speaker 166 I said, we just hope you don't fucking live with us when it happens.

Speaker 108 Thank y'all very much.

Speaker 22 Fuck yeah, Adrian Washington.

Speaker 22 Fantastic.

Speaker 22 He's a pro

Speaker 146 out of the great state of Minnesota, correct?

Speaker 44 Adrian, Minnesota, right?

Speaker 53 Yes, yes, sir.

Speaker 39 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 40 Yeah. Kill Tony Universe.
It's great that

Speaker 46 Donnell travels all around the world with his own stuntman.

Speaker 139 I knew I shouldn't have wear these fucking glasses.

Speaker 31 No, no, no. No, no, no.

Speaker 46 Okay, I got ashes all over my hand.

Speaker 51 I'll do it.

Speaker 15 I'll walk the fuck off. I'll do it.

Speaker 18 Hey,

Speaker 147 I grabbed Donnell by the elbow.

Speaker 7 Now it looks like my hand is burned.

Speaker 76 You are the ashiest human.

Speaker 167 Can we get some lotion?

Speaker 47 Hi, do you you have any lotion?

Speaker 15 Tony, here's the good part. My preference is

Speaker 4 Rob Schneider.

Speaker 138 Here's the good part.

Speaker 166 If Donnell walks off, I'll just take that seat.

Speaker 49 Your audience won't know the difference.

Speaker 49 Let's check in with Rob, our chief ferret correspondent.

Speaker 93 Now, you're from Minnesota?

Speaker 166 I'm originally from Mississippi, but Minnesota's been home for a very long time. Minnesota.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 93 It's changed so much with the immigration. I mean,

Speaker 93 Minneapolis has so many Haitians now, it doesn't even resemble Somalia anymore.

Speaker 4 Rob done his homework.

Speaker 164 Yeah,

Speaker 129 they are.

Speaker 44 You hang out with any of the Haitians at all?

Speaker 166 Nah, I like niggas, I understand.

Speaker 19 Papa say

Speaker 139 they scare us too, white people.

Speaker 93 They're not eating pets, the Haitians, but they are considering it.

Speaker 61 So what's going on in life up there, Adrian Washington?

Speaker 166 I'm uh, I'm we empty nesters now, man. Like, so we just fuck wherever we want to.

Speaker 155 So, I love that part.

Speaker 166 Like, yeah, everybody's like, is it weird not having your kids home? Fuck no, I don't fuck with my kids like that.

Speaker 123 Wow. Kids think we need them.

Speaker 166 My daughter said something smart to me one day, and I said, I'll fuck you up. And she was like, ooh, you're going to go to jail too.
I was like, guess we've been to jail before, bitch.

Speaker 138 That's what they need to know.

Speaker 73 I was just admiring Dean Madness doing his Donnell Rawlings impression there first.

Speaker 126 I don't know if you guys saw that.

Speaker 14 He'll be chilling outside of the fire department in no time.

Speaker 125 This is called bullying L, Tony.

Speaker 97 This is abusive, and enough is a fucking enough, okay?

Speaker 73 Adrian, I love it.

Speaker 65 So all your kids are fully grown.

Speaker 166 Yeah, my youngest has turned 18, man, just got his license. He's graduated on the Dean's list.
I got a son that'll be fucking 30 next week.

Speaker 60 Wow. So they're all out of the house.

Speaker 49 All out of the house, bro.

Speaker 166 My daughter lives a little too close, so she thinks she can just swing by anytime. I'm like, like get that key up

Speaker 159 like

Speaker 166 i gotta call you before i come to your house but you can just swing over anytime

Speaker 166 my wife's super dope i've just made 11 years married you know what i'm saying so yeah

Speaker 166 i got a dog who changed my life five years ago so like i love him way more than i love the kids it's dope yep that happens that happens what do you do for fun adrian

Speaker 58 Comedy, man.

Speaker 133 Like, just live.

Speaker 166 Like, honestly, like, I'm getting up there, man. And I've been doing this for a long time.

Speaker 139 So this is super dope because where I live, there wasn't comedy.

Speaker 166 So I started comedy where I live at. You know what I mean? I started my own company.
That's actually how I met Donnell. I booked him to come there.

Speaker 166 And I actually met Red Band like eight, nine years ago. And I ended up hosting for him at a club.

Speaker 46 He's the best thing in Minneapolis or Minnesota.

Speaker 62 I appreciate that, bro.

Speaker 102 Is he more interesting than you?

Speaker 15 It was just a question.

Speaker 101 I love it.

Speaker 73 How do people find more of your work, Adrian?

Speaker 166 I'm on Instagram at FunnymanAdrian W. That's funnymanAdrian W.
There's some other nigga who just want to be funny man Adrian. You got to put a W on him

Speaker 79 Adrian, I love it.

Speaker 166 And I got a, this is my company, One Mike Entertainment. So my website's on here, funnymanadrian.com, man.
Austin, you guys have been fucking dope.

Speaker 19 Hell yeah.

Speaker 22 Great stuff.

Speaker 22 Thank you.

Speaker 23 Make some noise for Adrian Washington, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 91 Yes, indeed.

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Speaker 146 On to the next one we go back to the bucket.

Speaker 60 No, come on.

Speaker 131 No.

Speaker 95 No, no.

Speaker 113 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 15 They really didn't know the difference.

Speaker 14 It is incredible.

Speaker 28 The resemblance is striking.

Speaker 15 Stop it.

Speaker 21 Y'all really do look alike.

Speaker 45 Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 14 Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Jose Ayala, everybody.
Jose

Speaker 10 yo what up kilton how you guys doing

Speaker 165 hell yeah hell yeah I'm pretty happy even though yeah even though I don't look too happy you know I'm pretty fucking happy yeah

Speaker 165 yeah I've been dating a lot lately you know I've been dating a lot of Latinas you know you guys fuck with Latinas

Speaker 88 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 165 Yeah,

Speaker 165 I date Latinas only not because I'm a traditional Mexican. I just like the way their mustache tickles my mustache when we kiss

Speaker 165 That shit's dope as fuck you feel me, you know

Speaker 165 just me. Oh, yeah, you feel me fuck yeah.

Speaker 33 No, no, yeah, fuck it.

Speaker 165 No, yeah, it reminds me of home. It really does you feel me?

Speaker 165 Yeah, I fucking miss my dad, you know

Speaker 165 Yeah, my dad fucking hates me telling that joke. He tells me all the time.

Speaker 165 He tells me, hey, Jose, he stopped telling that joke, but he tells me in Spanish, so it sounds more passionate, so he goes, Jose, you know?

Speaker 165 And I go, Of course, you can, of course, I can stop telling that joke, but uh, you gotta stop biting my lip when we kiss me, motherfucker.

Speaker 165 Yeah, he's leaving marks.

Speaker 49 The fuck, you know, all right.

Speaker 139 My name is Jose Ayala.

Speaker 165 Here it's been wonderful,

Speaker 151 Jose Ayala.

Speaker 23 Welcome. Have you been on this show before, Jose?

Speaker 49 No, never been on.

Speaker 69 Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 88 You are sweating bullets right now.

Speaker 165 Look at you. First time.
Amazing.

Speaker 15 He must think it's about to be an ice raid up here.

Speaker 15 Home Depot's been vacant for the last six months.

Speaker 101 Come on.

Speaker 74 Amazing stuff, Jose.

Speaker 77 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 152 Three years. Three years.

Speaker 159 What do you do for work?

Speaker 165 I'm a bartender, actually.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 40 That's believable.

Speaker 76 Believable. Huh?

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 35 Here on 6th Street?

Speaker 165 Yeah,

Speaker 165 I'm at Cheers Shop Bar down the street.

Speaker 84 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 That's awesome.

Speaker 165 Yeah, they said I get $100 if I call them out, you know?

Speaker 88 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 22 Amazing.

Speaker 145 I'm sorry, I fucking need the money.

Speaker 46 It's okay.

Speaker 93 Serious question, Jose. Are you sweating because you're nervous tonight performing in this number one show on YouTube or are you smuggling drugs in your ass?

Speaker 99 Both.

Speaker 96 Follow-up question.

Speaker 117 Are the drugs stuffed inside of a ferret?

Speaker 165 He got up there somehow.

Speaker 116 You're damn right, buddy. You're damn right.

Speaker 93 I think I just can say, Tony, that incest jokes apparently are back.

Speaker 7 That means we're right around the corner from

Speaker 46 Eric Bell being the best comedian in the world.

Speaker 29 We are just coming around the corner.

Speaker 49 Cheers shot bar, by the way, has some one-star reviews like you could never believe.

Speaker 22 This is a little segment on this show that we call Tony Reed's Yelp Reviews.

Speaker 78 Fuck.

Speaker 167 You know, Cheers is one of those bars.

Speaker 48 Let me just tell you, 6th Street is massive.

Speaker 129 Austin famously has more bars per capita than any city anywhere in the world.

Speaker 65 And Cheers is one of those places that I've seen the sign 2 billion times and I've never gone in there.

Speaker 42 I have no idea what goes on in there.

Speaker 85 And probably for good reason.

Speaker 68 I have a lot of friends in this city that were here before me and they've never recommended it to me.

Speaker 78 I'm going to read some one-star reviews.

Speaker 45 Let it begin. This is David S.

Speaker 34 visiting from California says in all capital letters, fraud.

Speaker 88 Make sure to check your credit card statement.

Speaker 129 18% gratuity was included in the bill, and they had the courage to write in an additional tip when I crossed it off.

Speaker 33 Do not go to this bar.

Speaker 165 That sounds like me. Sorry.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 165 Whoops. I mean, I mean, allegedly, allegedly sounds like me, all right?

Speaker 72 It could be anybody.

Speaker 113 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 40 Diego Z from the University of Texas says, absolutely abysmal experience bartender got us in by offering free shots of buchanans in which i took him up on his offer the fuck is bucanons i've never even heard of that like bad whiskey or something no it's uh tequila but it's yeah it's top shelf tequila called buchanans

Speaker 21 tequila named after a white guy it's bucanas oh okay when you say it like that it's totally different I'm just reading the writing here.

Speaker 89 It really needs your accent.

Speaker 40 They need those little Latino accent marks over this.

Speaker 94 Buchanans.

Speaker 59 Free shots of Buchanan's.

Speaker 20 Free shots of Buchanan's.

Speaker 94 You see the difference?

Speaker 48 Anyway, I took him up on his offer.

Speaker 19 Later in that same evening, I went to the bathroom and he followed me in and accused me of offering cocaine to other patrons.

Speaker 35 I was threatened and escorted out.

Speaker 109 I was the only Hispanic male in the establishment and felt racially targeted.

Speaker 44 If you see a 6'4, 225-pound male,

Speaker 110 bartender with a beard,

Speaker 49 don't go in if you're Hispanic.

Speaker 44 You would think that an Austin establishment would be more progressive in their offerings to non-natives, but sadly, this is not the case.

Speaker 44 Save your money and go to a much better establishment, such as Eisenhower's or Peckerheads.

Speaker 123 What the fuck?

Speaker 58 These are all bars I've never heard of.

Speaker 47 And I have a drinking problem, so that's very interesting.

Speaker 40 Much better crowds with bartenders that aren't on a personal vendetta at a power trip.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 40 Let's see what we got here.

Speaker 76 Maybe one more.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow, this is great.

Speaker 165 Okay,

Speaker 165 I really need this job, Tony.

Speaker 94 Oh, my God.

Speaker 78 I got to tell you, this one, we're going back. We're going to March 2020 here.

Speaker 44 Let's go back in time.

Speaker 112 Joanne L from Pittsburgh PA says, walked by, bouncer sees we're Asian and yells, Come on in, no coronavirus here,

Speaker 85 then proceeds to offer us kamikaze shots.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 20 How long have you worked at this establishment?

Speaker 29 Only nine months.

Speaker 151 Only nine months.

Speaker 49 Absolutely influenced. I hope to continue to.

Speaker 100 Oh, it's over, bro.

Speaker 49 This is it.

Speaker 51 Oh,

Speaker 132 my God.

Speaker 4 It's so hard to say goodbye.

Speaker 49 A below says in all capital letters, racist staff.

Speaker 44 This is the worst place that I've come to on 6th Street. The bartender denied services to me and my friend for no reason.

Speaker 65 We are two educated, well-groomed Latinos.

Speaker 132 Why does everybody have to say their race when complaining?

Speaker 23 It's like everything has to be racially charged.

Speaker 77 We asked if there was a bar at the rooftop, and the bartender said no, the rooftop is closed and will be open at 8:30.

Speaker 115 Meanwhile, there were a lot of customers upstairs having drinks.

Speaker 40 When I went inside and asked him why he lied to us, he didn't have a word to say, and his face looked really dumb and stupid.

Speaker 20 I still like to think this is you.

Speaker 110 All right.

Speaker 51 Let me read one more here.

Speaker 124 Let's see if we got one more.

Speaker 111 Wait, what was that?

Speaker 93 What was that? The kamikaze does sound kind of racist, but there's another drink at that establishment called Misoho Ami.

Speaker 2 It's awesome.

Speaker 56 Hold on, go back.

Speaker 93 Two parts gin, one part soda.

Speaker 111 All right.

Speaker 36 One last one. Let's see if there's any newer ones.
Where's the newest one at? Okay.

Speaker 115 Four girls got their phones stolen last night out of their purses and pockets.

Speaker 94 Wow.

Speaker 69 Alright.

Speaker 80 Okay.

Speaker 52 $10 for a fucking smear knock ice.

Speaker 124 Okay, that's enough.

Speaker 57 What do you think the worst part of Cheers Bar is?

Speaker 73 You're the one getting side cash out of them.

Speaker 88 Oh, shit. Alright, the atmosphere kind of sucks.

Speaker 7 Okay, perfect.

Speaker 165 No, it's... I'm not going to lie, it's kind of dumpy in there.
I'm not going to, yeah, it's,

Speaker 165 it's, it's, I work there and I'm going to have to see it every day, dude. Come on.

Speaker 15 You know, he's going to be collecting medical specimens after this shit, right?

Speaker 15 Ski.

Speaker 49 Well, Matt, I'm honest.

Speaker 165 I'm answering honestly, you know?

Speaker 15 What can I do? The honesty is going to get you fired, but it's. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 93 Yeah, I know. It hasn't helped me in my life at all.

Speaker 88 It's a great place, guys. All right.

Speaker 15 You do drugs, Jose.

Speaker 110 The sweat.

Speaker 148 I've never really seen anybody sweat.

Speaker 165 I'm just naturally sweaty.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 91 You're always like this. Yeah.

Speaker 55 Wow.

Speaker 15 Do you have your green card?

Speaker 88 Yes, I do.

Speaker 165 Actually, I was born here, actually.

Speaker 58 Oh, shit.

Speaker 151 Hell yeah.

Speaker 11 All right.

Speaker 49 Okay. I'm just going to have a vegan.

Speaker 81 No, no, I'm not going to say that.

Speaker 11 No, go ahead.

Speaker 15 I just say you just look like you still can be rated, but

Speaker 93 I guess it's okay if black people do it.

Speaker 76 Yeah, it's not never racist.

Speaker 51 they can't be racist they're black

Speaker 93 so none of that can be interpreted as racist because they're incapable of being racist as you know

Speaker 147 because they're black

Speaker 93 or as my Asian mother would say black

Speaker 15 you know Rob I own a black ferret too I just want to

Speaker 88 We'll be right black after these messages.

Speaker 73 Jose Ayala, you're leaving here with a medium-sized medium-sized jokebook, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 23 Jose

Speaker 151 Ayala.

Speaker 29 We're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 23 There goes Jose.

Speaker 3 Absolutely soaking wet.

Speaker 147 Oh, look, it's the lovely Heidi.

Speaker 22 Look what she has.

Speaker 49 That's real lotion, everybody.

Speaker 18 Real lotion with these elbows.

Speaker 119 I mean,

Speaker 60 I mean, Rob Schneider is doing some of his famous lines from movies, and Donnell is doing real life Ashy Larry

Speaker 28 oh my goodness what an amazing moment in the history of the show look at that one Heidi is

Speaker 170 I mean it is absolutely oh we got can we get a little

Speaker 85 can we get a can we get a little on Rob's nipple there yeah

Speaker 14 This is the number one show in comedy right now.

Speaker 85 And this is what it takes.

Speaker 117 This is what it takes.

Speaker 37 A powerful white woman

Speaker 7 unashing

Speaker 49 Donell

Speaker 24 Rob Schneider's nipple getting a little residual residue.

Speaker 23 You gotta love it.

Speaker 71 Anything can happen.

Speaker 47 This is Kill Tony.

Speaker 40 Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, as we get a minute uninterrupted.

Speaker 29 This looks like a new name.

Speaker 118 Make some noise for David Wombel Jr.

Speaker 68 Here we go.

Speaker 136 I'm a single dad. My daughter is 14 years old, just finished ninth grade.

Speaker 152 The entire year, I was afraid of one thing.

Speaker 137 I was afraid that the upperclassmen are going to try to fuck my daughter.

Speaker 154 One day she came home, she said, Dad, this guy came up to me and he asked me if he could hit it.

Speaker 136 And I thought to myself in ninth grade, pretty good line.

Speaker 138 But I have my dad hat on.

Speaker 154 So I said, how did it make you feel? She said, very uncomfortable. She said, can you tell me some things to get these guys up off me? I said, absolutely.

Speaker 154 I said, tell them your daddy is going to rip their dick off.

Speaker 154 Now children never say what you tell them to say.

Speaker 2 A couple of months go by.

Speaker 154 She comes back. She goes, Dad, I got something to tell you.
Dad, the dude came up and asked if he hit it again. But this time, I did what you said.

Speaker 154 I looked him right in his face and I said, My daddy is going to bite your dick off.

Speaker 7 I said, Wait,

Speaker 154 whoever said bite?

Speaker 147 And I'll be at the school every now and then, and I fuck with the kids.

Speaker 114 I'll be like,

Speaker 11 bite them.

Speaker 93 Thank y'all very much.

Speaker 124 David Womble Jr.

Speaker 22 What's up, Tony?

Speaker 23 Welcome.

Speaker 124 Thank you.

Speaker 39 Rob Schneider, what do you think about it?

Speaker 154 Underage sex jokes are back.

Speaker 93 I think that's a confirmation.

Speaker 29 We have our finger on the pulse tonight of what's happening in comedy.

Speaker 35 Incest jokes back.

Speaker 44 Underage sex back.

Speaker 79 Rape?

Speaker 49 Not quite yet.

Speaker 20 That's what's great about this show.

Speaker 109 You can really see what's happening in the world.

Speaker 158 David Womble Jr., you've been on before, correct?

Speaker 78 Absolutely.

Speaker 67 And this went much better, if I remember correctly. Am I correct?

Speaker 39 You're good. You're correct.

Speaker 69 Yeah, I'm good.

Speaker 26 Yeah,

Speaker 124 I'm correct.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 91 David Womble Jr., tell us how long you've been on stand-up?

Speaker 136 Seven years.

Speaker 140 Seven

Speaker 39 years.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 39 Where at?

Speaker 137 Started in Colorado Springs, then in Tampa, and then now here.

Speaker 42 Okay, how long have you lived here?

Speaker 136 A year and seven months.

Speaker 43 How do you make a living?

Speaker 93 I'm an IT technician.

Speaker 64 Wow.

Speaker 39 Look at that.

Speaker 42 You don't really see that with your people very often.

Speaker 95 No, Donnell, no.

Speaker 89 Oh, my favorite thing right now is Donnell's fresh elbows are leaving a little pile of moisture crease here on the face.

Speaker 49 Popeye back.

Speaker 66 How you gonna let him say that shit to you, dawg?

Speaker 7 What, the bad? What?

Speaker 56 Never.

Speaker 62 What did you say? I said, how you gonna let him say that about us, dawg? It's a joke.

Speaker 15 You just told a joke about eating another man's dick.

Speaker 143 I don't even know.

Speaker 15 I don't know where they do that. I'm still street, nigga.
I still got a homophobia in me.

Speaker 106 And he even did the impression.

Speaker 15 I bit his dick like, ah, ah.

Speaker 15 And then you're like, yo, how you going to tell them to talk about that?

Speaker 106 You just chewed a dick off on the killed Tony. It's true.

Speaker 51 It's true.

Speaker 93 It is true. You know other people will see this.

Speaker 6 Right?

Speaker 15 And they're going to want their dicks chewed off, too.

Speaker 34 David, what do you do for fun? Tell us more about your life.

Speaker 11 I play racquetball.

Speaker 167 You play racquetball.

Speaker 49 Wow, you people really don't do that often either.

Speaker 26 This guy,

Speaker 61 if I told you, if I told you his dating profile, just I work in IT and I like playing racquetball, that is the last face you would guess would be behind that avatar.

Speaker 15 But it makes sense. You like chewing dicks and playing racquetball.
They go together, son.

Speaker 49 You guys usually make a lot of racket, but playing racquetball, but that's a whole different thing.

Speaker 72 What do you say after this game?

Speaker 93 We We choose some dicks.

Speaker 147 What do you guys feel about that?

Speaker 15 Ferrets, ferrets, ferrets.

Speaker 84 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 49 I love it.

Speaker 4 Racquetball.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 38 My goodness.

Speaker 13 Wow. What else?

Speaker 52 Tell us more about you, you whitest black guy ever.

Speaker 4 Racquetball IT.

Speaker 96 I lived in Japan for four years.

Speaker 48 You lived in a van for four years.

Speaker 2 Japan.

Speaker 49 Oh, that's. Wow, again.

Speaker 70 I mean,

Speaker 79 not a van

Speaker 93 just throwing it up there. Maybe not a dancer either

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 7 You know

Speaker 93 my buddy Ace Henderson, who we did comedy with,

Speaker 93 not much of a dancer. Similar situation.

Speaker 75 He chewed dicks?

Speaker 56 No.

Speaker 136 I have no idea who that motherfucker is, but all right.

Speaker 109 So you can dance.

Speaker 61 Let me ask you this, David.

Speaker 40 This is a little segment that we've done before.

Speaker 15 Do not make a black man dance.

Speaker 51 Thank you.

Speaker 132 No, no, no.

Speaker 46 Don't do it.

Speaker 51 I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 49 I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 15 Don't suggest.

Speaker 116 I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 69 I'm not going to do it unless he wants to.

Speaker 58 What if he does?

Speaker 49 I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Speaker 40 I'm going to just ask you.

Speaker 86 No, don't give him a dance.

Speaker 124 Don't give him a dance.

Speaker 62 Just a little shake it up.

Speaker 26 Uh-oh, here we go.

Speaker 26 Hey!

Speaker 15 Shoot that dick, shoot that dick, shoot that dick, shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoe that dick shoot that dick

Speaker 15 shoot

Speaker 171 David Womble

Speaker 75 Junior

Speaker 93 no biting of any dicks happen

Speaker 15 No ferris will harm to that dick

Speaker 48 David Womble Jr.

Speaker 158 So you're a junior.

Speaker 48 Are you close with your father?

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 160 Not another white trade.

Speaker 94 That was not cool.

Speaker 66 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 79 We're having fun here.

Speaker 114 For sure. We're having fun here.

Speaker 136 Yeah, my dad was in the military.

Speaker 165 That's why we were in Japan.

Speaker 15 Okay. I was in the military.
Did you know that?

Speaker 62 Yeah. I did not.

Speaker 15 Yeah, I was in the Air Force for four years.

Speaker 62 That's the sum.

Speaker 132 Thank you for your service.

Speaker 15 I used to thank you.

Speaker 15 I used to be a military police.

Speaker 15 I used to curse out the, I had a Korean police friend of mine, right? And we would teach each other different languages and shit, out language. And we would get mad at each other.

Speaker 15 We would curse each other out, right? I would curse him out in broken Korean, and he would curse me out in broken English.

Speaker 15 And I would light this motherfucker up. I'd be like,

Speaker 15 I don't know what I said, but I said that shit.

Speaker 15 And he would curse me out in all the black shit he knew.

Speaker 15 He'd be like, shut the Newport nigga mouth.

Speaker 97 Wait. wait

Speaker 15 you're a lemon pepper chicken wing fuck a nigga

Speaker 15 you're a steak well done every day

Speaker 15 you're a nigga baby father

Speaker 46 oh my goodness that's what we did tony this was

Speaker 93 the brothers love japan and korea they do

Speaker 93 when i was there i was for the with performing for the the troops and but i did say very hardworking people asians and as i'm half asian i can say we're very hardworking koreans

Speaker 93 a little lazy, to be honest with you.

Speaker 93 No, no, you go to the Korean barbecue, you know, Korean barbecue?

Speaker 33 You know, you go in the

Speaker 76 Korean barbecue, walk to Korean barbecue.

Speaker 33 Here you go.

Speaker 139 The special, the top soul, and very good mabbling, very good mobbling.

Speaker 93 And I said, okay, get the top solo. And then two minutes later, they come back, and it's like, dude, this is fucking raw meat.
What is this?

Speaker 172 Oh, yes, you cook it. You cook it.
You cook it. You cook it.

Speaker 93 Hey, I'm going out to dinner. I'm spending $100 with my wife.

Speaker 172 You cook it. You cook it.
You cook it.

Speaker 93 You know, so late i'd hate to go to a korean whorehouse come on in oh ra ra ra this is the room you suck your own dick you suck it you suck it you suck it

Speaker 80 then you come over here

Speaker 15 i gotta say this me being in korea do you know how to say how much for the pussy in korean

Speaker 15 this is how you say it you say poji oh my yo

Speaker 15 That's how much for the pussy, but you can't be like, bitch, poj oh my oh you gotta be like poji oh myo

Speaker 4 and how i'm hungry

Speaker 15 that's like i'm hungry and i'm gonna eat now if you want to listen

Speaker 101 that means i'll eat the pussy that's what it means my don't shout out to all the koreans

Speaker 93 don't my story was a joke not actually in a whorehouse you were in a whorehouse in korea i was 18 years old i was making a joke about a whorehouse and they thought it was funny.

Speaker 93 They didn't want to actually hear an experience of a man in a whorehouse.

Speaker 49 Fucking whores like you did.

Speaker 15 Twin fuck whores. I participated.

Speaker 102 Okay, never mind.

Speaker 103 He's definitely fucking whores.

Speaker 19 He's 16 years old.

Speaker 24 It was a cross-cultural experience.

Speaker 93 I get it.

Speaker 72 My kids are horrible. And there was money and fluids exchanged.

Speaker 33 My kids are half Asian.

Speaker 89 Their grandma's going to hate this shit.

Speaker 37 Your kids are half Asian?

Speaker 64 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 34 So your baby mama is Korean?

Speaker 7 She's Thai.

Speaker 76 Wow.

Speaker 49 Okay. Yeah.
Poor boy.

Speaker 113 They'll get that when they play it back.

Speaker 132 Exactly.

Speaker 171 No, I get it.

Speaker 125 I know.

Speaker 15 Did Asian grandmother ever eat the dick?

Speaker 2 She got to America, so obviously she ate somebody's dick.

Speaker 4 Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Speaker 48 I don't know if you guys know this, but when Donnell was in Korea, he was part of a cooking show called Walk Off.

Speaker 76 I like that.

Speaker 46 W-O-K.

Speaker 79 Do you remember?

Speaker 19 You can walk of the walk.

Speaker 168 Me so horny.

Speaker 34 David Womble Jr., fun times, my friend.

Speaker 23 And it's amazing to watch your growth.

Speaker 90 I remember for a fact that's a better set than before.

Speaker 119 David Womble Jr., getting better, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 22 That's what it's all about.

Speaker 174 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 46 Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 175 And then my chronic hives come back.

Speaker 176 Again, in the middle of my spa day, what a wet blanket. Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

Speaker 175 If you have chronic spontaneous urticaria or CSU, there is a different treatment option. Hives during my next spa day?

Speaker 176 Not if I can help it.

Speaker 74 Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

Speaker 7 All right, this is gonna be a fun one.

Speaker 68 This young lady is uh what we call Kill Tony famous.

Speaker 119 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of the one and only Juanita.

Speaker 118 Everybody, Juanita is back.

Speaker 177 Any Catholics in the house?

Speaker 60 New Pope, yeah.

Speaker 53 No, I didn't grow up religious.

Speaker 177 So it was very strange when in 2006, I dropped out of high school. And to hide it from my mom, I joined a touring Catholic ministry.
They made me pray to themes, one of which was queen.

Speaker 177 I'll show you guys.

Speaker 177 You're going to have to help me a little bit, okay?

Speaker 179 Jesus was a cool dude, 40 days without food, giving his life for the golden rule. He died in our place, amazing grace, spreading his love all over the place, singing.

Speaker 15 We will, we will praise you.

Speaker 170 Amen.

Speaker 37 I did that for nine months.

Speaker 133 That's the gayest thing I've ever done.

Speaker 108 And I do anal.

Speaker 157 Believe it or not.

Speaker 28 Juanita.

Speaker 73 Welcome back to the show.

Speaker 15 Can I do a remix of that song for any blackout watching her right now? Yeah.

Speaker 76 We will, we will,

Speaker 15 fuck you.

Speaker 100 That's probably true.

Speaker 73 Until you find out she has a dick, Donnell.

Speaker 60 That is a dream.

Speaker 82 That's how how it happens, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 82 They can't tell.

Speaker 22 No, Donnell, come back.

Speaker 144 The brothers,

Speaker 144 the brothers can't tell.

Speaker 75 The brothers can't tell.

Speaker 13 They will, they will.

Speaker 93 They never, the last.

Speaker 15 I was trying to be nice, so you set me up.

Speaker 93 Donnell, the last place the brothers look, apparently, is the Adams Apple.

Speaker 93 Whereas white guys, no.

Speaker 11 That's the first place the white guys are.

Speaker 51 You ruined me.

Speaker 49 It is.

Speaker 29 I'm going to say, Charlemagne's going to find that clip of you and we will, we will.

Speaker 55 Fuck you.

Speaker 76 You are fucked, Donnell.

Speaker 170 I'm getting word from the streets.

Speaker 15 I knew it was something different, son.

Speaker 93 I'm sure this happened.

Speaker 15 I don't want to get banned like Dave Chappelle, nigga.

Speaker 139 Donnell, I'm sure this happened before in Korea.

Speaker 93 I'm sure in Korea as an 18-year-old boy, this is a memory coming back to you.

Speaker 153 It's usually how black guys react.

Speaker 83 It's pretty.

Speaker 158 Juanita, have you been with a black man before?

Speaker 11 No.

Speaker 48 Okay, are you just saying that so that he doesn't find you and kill you?

Speaker 10 No, it was raised right.

Speaker 170 I'm just kidding. I mean, what's the joke?

Speaker 134 The Joe!

Speaker 133 No, I have been, I've been with one, he was half.

Speaker 132 Okay, he was half.

Speaker 7 Half a black. Okay.

Speaker 106 My career is over, nigga.

Speaker 124 It's over.

Speaker 56 And I knew it, nigga.

Speaker 81 Now it.

Speaker 15 Donnelly. I knew that back was too big, son.
I knew.

Speaker 93 Drop Schneider. It's not just that your career is over.
This is also an opportunity to educate other black men tonight.

Speaker 45 You have to look at it that way.

Speaker 127 Shit.

Speaker 52 Never too much.

Speaker 93 Black guys out there, you know what to do.

Speaker 93 It's between the chest and the chin.

Speaker 44 It's called an Adam's apple.

Speaker 93 If they have one, they have something else.

Speaker 93 That is true. This is a special moment for you people.
So take that for what it's worth.

Speaker 88 It's worth a lot.

Speaker 22 That's so nice.

Speaker 124 It is.

Speaker 162 It is.

Speaker 23 The more you know.

Speaker 44 Juanita, Juanita, Juanita.

Speaker 140 An interesting set tonight.

Speaker 38 Let's just talk about it.

Speaker 81 Tony, it's really over for me.

Speaker 46 It's okay.

Speaker 151 I know.

Speaker 111 I know, Donnell, but it's all right.

Speaker 42 You can pick yourself up, you know?

Speaker 34 You know, who knows? It's 2025.

Speaker 42 Maybe the streets will forgive you.

Speaker 49 Maybe they'll go, wow, you know, Donnell,

Speaker 61 you know, took a chance out there.

Speaker 110 He's a progressive, progressive person.

Speaker 71 I mean,

Speaker 89 I'm sure when Chappelle sees this, he's just like...

Speaker 15 Shut the fuck up!

Speaker 48 Johnnell, you might like how it feels.

Speaker 94 Johnnell.

Speaker 79 Shut the fuck up!

Speaker 107 Stop touching me!

Speaker 93 Donnell, I want you to emotionally pull the balls aside.

Speaker 93 Can you do that for me?

Speaker 93 I think you can, Donnell.

Speaker 93 You can actually spread them out on one on each side if you want.

Speaker 126 Fuck it out!

Speaker 93 Donnell, we're here for you.

Speaker 49 Yeah,

Speaker 49 it's okay.

Speaker 8 This is going to be.

Speaker 97 Can I get a tissue?

Speaker 7 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 43 You tricked Donnell and that is gonna be.

Speaker 51 She didn't trick me.

Speaker 97 She did trick me.

Speaker 15 I mean he to see whatever nigga.

Speaker 63 You're fucked.

Speaker 97 We will, we will fuck you.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 86 We will,

Speaker 86 we will.

Speaker 86 Fuck you. Oh yeah.

Speaker 24 They're gonna be some mad in the band.

Speaker 86 We will fuck you.

Speaker 116 Oh my god.

Speaker 93 I see that on your next tour, Donnell.

Speaker 46 Someone's got

Speaker 47 entrance music.

Speaker 91 Someone's coming out of that on his next special.

Speaker 91 How exciting.

Speaker 89 Oh, now that your glasses are on, maybe you can see more clearly.

Speaker 20 Yeah, it's exciting.

Speaker 129 Ashy Larry meet Ashy Harry.

Speaker 14 It's very exciting.

Speaker 33 So Juanita, how has life been going?

Speaker 64 Let's talk. Great.
Great.

Speaker 140 What's been going on with you?

Speaker 108 I

Speaker 177 have a show in Tyler, Texas. I've been getting booked a lot more since the show.
So that's fun. I moved in with like a really awesome comic.
He's awesome.

Speaker 39 Just life's been good. I love it.

Speaker 11 Last time.

Speaker 15 I didn't say I would do it. I said they would do it.

Speaker 49 You said we will.

Speaker 97 We.

Speaker 11 Is that what I said?

Speaker 3 That would be that you would do it.

Speaker 21 There you go. There's Red Band trying to save you right now.

Speaker 160 So, oh, the last time you were on the show, Juanita, with the great Jimmy Carr was here, and we found out about Whiskey Hole.

Speaker 28 Yes.

Speaker 109 That guy's going through a divorce now.

Speaker 41 Oh, the guy that you had Whiskey Hole with?

Speaker 177 Yeah, I didn't realize I said his full name.

Speaker 94 Oh, shit.

Speaker 79 Oops.

Speaker 49 Wow.

Speaker 93 My God. Does that make it easier for someone to find them if you say their whole name?

Speaker 177 Yeah, if you're a Turkish-Australian, you know,

Speaker 96 specific.

Speaker 11 Oh, my God.

Speaker 93 We're learning a lot of things this evening.

Speaker 3 Yes, we are.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 47 So his wife found out about that from someone sending her a clip or something?

Speaker 108 Yeah, but he told me he was single when I met him because I asked him.

Speaker 177 I was like, do you have a girlfriend? Do you have a wife?

Speaker 108 He said, no.

Speaker 53 So I accidentally had sex with him.

Speaker 9 Oh,

Speaker 111 my God.

Speaker 15 And now it's a crazy question. Was he black or white?

Speaker 177 No, he was Turkish.

Speaker 114 So he was like brown, kind of.

Speaker 93 It was in the area.

Speaker 76 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 93 It was black adjacent.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 162 It's true.

Speaker 108 His dick was.

Speaker 171 Wow.

Speaker 15 It's over for me, Tony.

Speaker 11 It really is.

Speaker 96 Oh, it's going to be.

Speaker 15 I thought this was the comeback, Tony.

Speaker 15 And I'm right where I started when I walked up the first time.

Speaker 151 Oh, you're a legend now.

Speaker 177 I'll just open for you if you want.

Speaker 73 Would you say Juanita?

Speaker 177 I can open for you if you want.

Speaker 14 Oh, yeah, that's what he wants.

Speaker 180 Just fix everything.

Speaker 11 Open her ass.

Speaker 46 I'll pass it. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 14 She'll open for you, Donnelly.

Speaker 15 Shut it out!

Speaker 25 So progressive.

Speaker 19 Can you...

Speaker 91 Donnell only likes openers that look exactly like him.

Speaker 49 Can you?

Speaker 44 Juanita.

Speaker 104 Anything else crazy going on in life that we should know about?

Speaker 103 Oh,

Speaker 177 I have an impression prepared for you.

Speaker 13 Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 174 All right.

Speaker 177 So this is...

Speaker 177 It's Charlie Plainmew from There Will Be Blood explaining birthday pizzas or Grimaldi's.

Speaker 133 So we get our birthday pizza like every year.

Speaker 133 Well, the thing is that we used to give out the birthday emails for free, but now you have to download an application. Yeah, but we get it like every year.

Speaker 15 You get no birthday pizza.

Speaker 9 Wow. Was that a good question? You know what's interesting?

Speaker 15 Now I can see the Adams apple now, right?

Speaker 14 All it took was for her to do a spot on Daniel Day-Lewis for Donnell to realize.

Speaker 151 Hell yeah.

Speaker 39 There will be blood.

Speaker 150 Or when they fuck you, Juanita, it's called There Will Be Mud.

Speaker 49 You know, I prepared, fellas.

Speaker 46 Juanita,

Speaker 73 fun times.

Speaker 104 You've been on the show numerous times.

Speaker 46 It's,

Speaker 129 you know, wasn't your best set, but always a legendary interview with you.

Speaker 29 We love your sense of humor.

Speaker 22 Proof that some trans people can roll with the punches.

Speaker 119 That's another appearance by the great Juanita, everybody.

Speaker 59 It's a stereotype, some people say.

Speaker 13 Oh yeah.

Speaker 13 We do have a golden ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 45 This guy's only been on the show one other time when he famously came on with children's books for adults and changed his life forever.

Speaker 114 This is the second ever appearance from Charlie Mack, everybody.

Speaker 119 Make some noise from Charlie Mack.

Speaker 10 Um, first off, I want to thank the Kill Tony universe. Y'all really did change my life, you know?

Speaker 22 Thank you.

Speaker 10 Yes, now I'm able to buy a lot of lavish shit. Like, I just bought a new $1,500 shelf.
I put all my clothes on it and everything.

Speaker 10 Some of y'all know it as a treadmill.

Speaker 10 I've never touched it.

Speaker 122 I I don't know what the fuck it does.

Speaker 10 Last time I touched it was to balance myself to put my shoes on.

Speaker 10 It's crazy. Now my ex let me have sex with her again.

Speaker 84 Yes, yes.

Speaker 10 I like it because she likes the role play.

Speaker 10 You know, I be hitting it from the back.

Speaker 92 You know,

Speaker 122 I throw on her wig.

Speaker 10 She throws on my CPAP.

Speaker 107 Y'all ain't never had CPAP sex

Speaker 10 it's like fucking Darth Vader

Speaker 10 I'm like who's in it she go

Speaker 4 yours

Speaker 10 I'm like damn Luke I guess I am your father

Speaker 46 Charlie Mac done it again

Speaker 93 Rob Schneider congrats you're gonna make it you are you're gonna make it And for the rest of your life as a comedian, I mean, the next six years are going to be great for you.

Speaker 25 No doubt about it.

Speaker 167 Charlie, fantastic.

Speaker 15 You said you did role play.

Speaker 141 What was the scenario?

Speaker 108 I threw on her wig and she threw on my CPAP.

Speaker 15 That's not creative.

Speaker 141 It's not.

Speaker 15 If you're going to do role play, I do role play. If you're going to do role play, think outside the box.
When I play role play, I play plantation.

Speaker 75 Ooh. Damn.

Speaker 147 Ooh, Juanita, get back up here.

Speaker 45 Is it okay if we laugh at this?

Speaker 81 Are we okay?

Speaker 113 We're all okay.

Speaker 84 We're okay. No, we're good.
We're good.

Speaker 69 Okay, good.

Speaker 15 This was not the best decision.

Speaker 48 Charlie Mack, the last time you were on the show,

Speaker 47 you told us about your adult adult children's books.

Speaker 116 And

Speaker 21 I guess it blew up, right?

Speaker 10 Oh, hell yeah. They start calling me the hood Dr.

Speaker 60 Seuss.

Speaker 75 I love it.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Now I have to make up new names, you know? So I'm thinking of a couple I was thinking of the crackhead from Crumble Street.

Speaker 10 Pookie and the stimulus check, you know, a bunch of shit like that.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 162 Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 44 The hood Dr. Seuss.

Speaker 116 That is the only kind of doctor you could be, by the way.

Speaker 91 Charlie Mack, tell us about how your life changed from that, though.

Speaker 55 Like, what's going on?

Speaker 10 Oh, white women look at me now.

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Hell yeah.

Speaker 10 But no, I really, I got a world tour. I'm going all through Europe, Tokyo, everywhere.

Speaker 18 Thank you.

Speaker 22 International House of Pancakes.

Speaker 23 My goodness gracious.

Speaker 49 Look at you.

Speaker 42 Unbelievable, Charlie Mac.

Speaker 42 Any plans for when you're over in Tokyo and places? Anything you're really looking forward to?

Speaker 93 Any places you could recommend to

Speaker 7 Asia?

Speaker 132 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 101 There's this one little place.

Speaker 15 Just remember, Pochi Omayo.

Speaker 19 I don't know.

Speaker 62 I'm just looking for the other black people because I don't go nowhere if there's not other black people there.

Speaker 39 Okay, well, have fun in Tokyo.

Speaker 15 How the fuck do you get on this show then? Man,

Speaker 108 it's like 12 black people in this whole audience, and I'm four of them.

Speaker 118 Charlie, Mac, you are fantastic.

Speaker 28 Where do you live again?

Speaker 72 I live here in Austin, about seven minutes away.

Speaker 2 Oh, sweet.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 111 Hell yeah.

Speaker 96 And what do you do for fun?

Speaker 67 When you're not writing books or performing stand-up, do you have any

Speaker 40 side?

Speaker 10 The best thing that I really do if I'm not doing anything is I'm on daddy duty, you know?

Speaker 143 I respect that.

Speaker 10 Yes, me and my three-year-old, we be kicking at Robin. She sells crack.
We do a lot of fun shit.

Speaker 15 Get the money, son.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we got to start a family empire.

Speaker 45 Can we laugh at that one?

Speaker 94 Is that our episode?

Speaker 7 Selling crack. I think Rob Greek.

Speaker 5 Black.

Speaker 58 Selling crack.

Speaker 45 Daddy Duty is also what would have been on Donnell's dick if he he fucked Juanita.

Speaker 66 I got something to do. Don't laugh.

Speaker 126 Do not laugh.

Speaker 49 I got daddy duty.

Speaker 15 I got daddy duty.

Speaker 49 Stay black.

Speaker 15 Don't laugh.

Speaker 3 We all we got, bruh.

Speaker 15 Rob is going to breed ferrets after this show.

Speaker 148 Oh my God, Charlie.

Speaker 91 You fantastic set. You've done it again.

Speaker 21 Thank you.

Speaker 47 A rock solid comedian.

Speaker 43 We're excited to have you and have you back on again soon. Charlie Mack, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 22 We're going to keep it moving here.

Speaker 22 We're keeping it moving. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 47 Takes a while for Charlie to get off stage.

Speaker 46 There he goes.

Speaker 32 Holy shit.

Speaker 21 That's a big boy.

Speaker 21 Make some noise.

Speaker 49 That's a huge bait.

Speaker 51 Yes.

Speaker 158 Make some noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 96 It is Michael Hines, everyone.

Speaker 151 Michael Hines is next on Bill Tones.

Speaker 53 Wow, this is exciting. You know, believe it or not, this is the second most exciting thing to happen to me today, though.
I saw a UFO on the way over here, an unidentified flying object.

Speaker 53 Really, it was a non-binary person jumping off the bridge over there.

Speaker 53 But they didn't identify as anything.

Speaker 53 Went from she her to

Speaker 53 she her to see her late.

Speaker 133 She they them to she her her later, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 53 You know, more of an unidentified falling object. But for a second there, for a second.
Ozzy Osborne's finally in hell.

Speaker 108 Do you think it's everything he dreamed it would be?

Speaker 53 I'm sure it's not that bad, though, with all the scientists there. They got to have it air conditioned by now.

Speaker 62 You know, it's probably a party.

Speaker 53 I voted for Trump guys and I regretted it week one. Week Week one, he took away my food stamps.
What the fuck? He said I got to work 40 hours a week to get them.

Speaker 53 If I worked 40 hours a week, I wouldn't need fucking food stamps.

Speaker 49 Michael Hines.

Speaker 22 Fantastic set.

Speaker 22 Edgy, funny, current.

Speaker 151 I loved it.

Speaker 77 That's great. You've been on this show once before, right?

Speaker 109 Twice, Tony. Twice.

Speaker 148 Fantastic.

Speaker 15 Please tell me Juanita was the one that jumped off the bridge.

Speaker 147 I wish. I wish, Donnell.

Speaker 2 That's the only thing we say.

Speaker 53 Donnell, you did my favorite episode.

Speaker 15 I just need a suicide.

Speaker 24 What was that, Michael?

Speaker 53 Donnell was on my favorite episode so to kill Tony of all time.

Speaker 15 Which one was that?

Speaker 133 You don't know?

Speaker 133 I love you, Donnell. You're my favorite.

Speaker 15 Look what you've done.

Speaker 29 I know.

Speaker 55 I know.

Speaker 29 Rob Schneider.

Speaker 93 I've learned that laughing at the suicides of nine non-binary people are back.

Speaker 119 Yes. That's what I've learned.
No doubt about it.

Speaker 93 So much coming.

Speaker 28 You got to hang out in Austin more often.

Speaker 151 You'd really love it here, Rob.

Speaker 45 By the way,

Speaker 93 President Trump wasn't taking away your food stamps. He was just making sure that you weren't buying like sodas and fucking Reese's pieces with it.

Speaker 84 Clearly.

Speaker 88 Yeah, guilty as charged.

Speaker 60 No doubt about it.

Speaker 78 Michael, remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 53 About two and a half years, Tony.

Speaker 44 All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 174 Yes, sir.

Speaker 115 Fantastic stuff.

Speaker 159 What do you do for work?

Speaker 53 I'm a realtor's assistant.

Speaker 7 Okay. Open houses and stuff.

Speaker 109 Don't tell her.

Speaker 102 Wow. Can I say that?

Speaker 133 I don't think they like you, Tony. What? I don't think they like you.

Speaker 53 So if they know I'm here, I might be done for.

Speaker 34 Realtors don't like me?

Speaker 92 Those two.

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 69 they can go fucking go fuck themselves.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 162 Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 29 I'm sure there's so much fun to work for.

Speaker 133 You wouldn't believe it, Tony.

Speaker 14 I would. I know what people that don't like me, I know what their mental health is like.

Speaker 97 Rob Schneider, you don't care about us.

Speaker 79 Can I say something about you?

Speaker 2 Okay, yes, you can.

Speaker 11 No, I don't.

Speaker 15 I watch the show, but I don't watch the show. But everybody else come up here.
They're like super nervous and like sweating. You seem so composed.

Speaker 15 And I want to say this, you just feel like a natural, man. Like, in a short period of time, you hit enough jokes.
And even in your interview, you was likable. You was personable.

Speaker 15 And you did it in a short period of time man i think you said i'm just saying yeah i see i see a i really see a future for you man thank you

Speaker 93 um a realtor's assistant that's just my question because

Speaker 93 in my you know experience even a half retarded person could be a real estate person so

Speaker 15 you cannot say that rob a half

Speaker 3 A realtor assistant could be a full retard, I'm thinking.

Speaker 53 Well, she pays me 30 bucks an hour, so if I do two 10-hour days on open houses, I have the rest of the week for comedy.

Speaker 55 Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 18 You're going to do great.

Speaker 93 You're very funny.

Speaker 72 Very funny.

Speaker 73 Fantastic stuff. Did you get a big joke book last time?

Speaker 170 I did not.

Speaker 44 You got a small joke book? Yes, sir.

Speaker 129 I got news for you, buddy.

Speaker 14 You're getting an upgrade.

Speaker 118 There he goes.

Speaker 26 A fantastic minute and a great return for Michael Hines, everybody.

Speaker 118 We are flying through it now.

Speaker 14 We are cooking.

Speaker 146 I gotta say, I gotta say,

Speaker 146 normally I don't do this during an episode, but I gotta tell you guys this is one of my favorite episodes of the year so far.

Speaker 29 I'm gonna hamper Donnell and Rob Schneider.

Speaker 86 I had a feeling that this chemistry would be crazy and wild.

Speaker 15 Okay, the irony of that is one of your favorite episodes, and it's not a good feeling for me right now, son.

Speaker 32 Well,

Speaker 15 Donnell got canceled tonight.

Speaker 15 I talked about fucking the trans, whatever you call it this shit.

Speaker 106 It's over for me.

Speaker 151 No.

Speaker 106 Austin has been really weird to me.

Speaker 11 No,

Speaker 93 if I can appear to be racist right now and interrupt you,

Speaker 93 no, this is this is a really, it's really been fun. I enjoy this, and what a great what about this audience here?

Speaker 22 Yep, we're having fucking fun,

Speaker 146 we're playing with fire, and we're gonna keep it moving, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 14 Your next bucket pull, one minute uninterrupted, going to James Kerrigan, everybody.

Speaker 68 James Kerrigan.

Speaker 55 I

Speaker 180 went out with this girl a couple times, and then the other day she sent me a text that started with the phrase, after some reflection.

Speaker 180 I didn't read the rest of the text.

Speaker 48 I didn't read.

Speaker 180 Because nothing good ever happens when a woman texts you after some reflection.

Speaker 180 It's never after some reflection. I think we should try anal.
That has never happened in the history of women or anal.

Speaker 180 It's always after some reflection, I realize we're two different trees going in two different directions, and you're poor.

Speaker 180 Now, if a man sends you a text that starts with the phrase after some reflection, I'm just it's it's a picture of his penis,

Speaker 180 followed up by we should try anal.

Speaker 180 Big dick,

Speaker 180 Big dick pic crowd in here. No?

Speaker 180 I've never been big on dick.

Speaker 9 I'm drunk, sorry.

Speaker 180 I've never been big on dick pics myself. All right, that came out wrong.
All right.

Speaker 144 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 93 My name is James.

Speaker 132 James Kerrigan.

Speaker 132 Hey.

Speaker 23 A fantastic set.

Speaker 140 Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 9 Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 78 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 180 It'll be 11 years in September.

Speaker 49 Wow, I love it.

Speaker 48 You perform like a guy that's been doing it 11 years.

Speaker 74 That's great stuff, James.

Speaker 7 Great stuff.

Speaker 43 Even though you were tripping on words, you got a lot of big laughs.

Speaker 180 Yeah, I was just drinking over there and playing chess with this homeless girl, and it was cool.

Speaker 18 I didn't think I was going to get pooled, and they were like, you need to go now.

Speaker 39 I was like, all right, cool.

Speaker 42 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 62 Rob?

Speaker 93 I will say your timing, though,

Speaker 93 was fantastic, but you also had a chance. Instead of saying you've been doing it 11 years, if you would have said 11 months, everybody would have fucking went nuts.

Speaker 180 Well, that would be lying, Mr. Schneider.

Speaker 9 Well, talking to Rob Schneider right now, fuck, goddamn, this is crazy, right? Ryan, this is fucking insane.

Speaker 22 Very,

Speaker 93 very funny, and you started out really strong. That's a really funny new job.
I'm telling you, you had the audience, and you never lost them until you couldn't figure out how to end it.

Speaker 93 Yeah, well, I know how to end it. I'm just and then all the goodwill is gone forever.
Oh, right.

Speaker 72 No, no, no.

Speaker 93 No, you did great. And it was really funny, and you really made me laugh hard.

Speaker 49 Really good job. Congrats.

Speaker 171 Great stuff.

Speaker 124 Great stuff.

Speaker 15 I don't know what to say, other than you was funny as shit. And then I really believe you look at dick pics because once you brought that up, you was like,

Speaker 98 Juanita, come back.

Speaker 110 James, what do you do for work?

Speaker 180 I actually sell air conditioning. They're playing the other one where the air conditioner was broken.

Speaker 141 You work for them?

Speaker 180 I don't work for AirCo. I work for ARS.

Speaker 39 We do air conditioning.

Speaker 159 IRS? Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I got nervous. Air RS.

Speaker 76 What? Air RS?

Speaker 180 ARS. American Residential Services.

Speaker 53 Wow.

Speaker 100 Ars. Yeah.

Speaker 7 Yeah. ARS.

Speaker 132 Odd name for a company.

Speaker 51 Arsehole.

Speaker 22 Yes.

Speaker 180 Sure, I guess.

Speaker 58 You put in the ACs, you do everything.

Speaker 108 You're looking for comfort?

Speaker 33 Check out our arse.

Speaker 72 We'll cool you down.

Speaker 108 Ars will.

Speaker 180 I actually bother people at Home Depot. That's what I do.
I go up and talk to people at Home Depot. That's my job.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 49 How much do you do? How are you right now?

Speaker 104 What exactly did you drink before this, the biggest opportunity of your 11-year career?

Speaker 46 Tell us what you've been sipping on, Tony.

Speaker 77 I find this all so intriguing.

Speaker 49 Nothing like watching 11 years of hard work and all of a sudden, and here you are, you're doing great and you're handling it well.

Speaker 79 But I can tell you are fucked up.

Speaker 51 Like,

Speaker 20 if this was, if this was not kill Tony, if this was a random show where it's like a special show where you pull out drunk people and it's a DUI checkpoint, you'd be fucked fucked right now.

Speaker 110 You would be so fucked.

Speaker 94 I mean, it's incredible.

Speaker 74 So, tell us, just honestly, truthfully, what exactly did you drink today?

Speaker 22 It was just vodka soda.

Speaker 180 Okay. But I had the pictures.
I had the pictures. So I had a picture.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 180 They sell them next door. You should go check it out.
I don't know.

Speaker 4 Yeah, no, we have alcohol here.

Speaker 180 Well, I'm just saying it's a good deal.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 51 All right.

Speaker 15 No more reviews, Tony.

Speaker 65 So you had two pitchers?

Speaker 180 I had two pitchers and a beer, yes.

Speaker 117 Two pitchers of vodka, soda, and a beer.

Speaker 111 That's an interesting choice.

Speaker 93 Ladies and gentlemen, that's an interesting choice. After two pitchers of vodka, you go like, hmm, I'm not, it's not hitting me.

Speaker 93 Where don't they está mi cerveza, motherfucker?

Speaker 147 This hasn't worked.

Speaker 5 That's when you get your money back for those fucking pictures.

Speaker 98 Juanita!

Speaker 106 That is...

Speaker 15 Save us, Juanita!

Speaker 104 Rob brings up an unbelievably great point.

Speaker 140 You had the beer after the two pitchers of vodka?

Speaker 100 God damn.

Speaker 180 I didn't think I was going to get pulled, so I don't think that's what I'm doing.

Speaker 46 That's what everybody says.

Speaker 77 That's what everybody says, especially when you're that blacked out.

Speaker 7 My goodness gracious.

Speaker 158 And wow, do you normally drink this much?

Speaker 180 No, but I don't normally come here, so you know, that's it.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 148 You don't really...

Speaker 44 How many times do you think you've signed up before?

Speaker 180 I think this is my fourth time.

Speaker 93 Okay. That's pretty fucking good.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 53 Appreciate it.

Speaker 65 Should we do a special segment called DUI Checkpoint right now for the first time ever?

Speaker 23 What do they have people do? What's one of the things?

Speaker 33 Like, you have to stand up on like one foot, like, right? And what do you do?

Speaker 77 Is there any police officers here by any chance?

Speaker 23 Can we get a police officer officer up here?

Speaker 86 Yeah!

Speaker 82 For the first time in the show's history,

Speaker 146 I would like to make some noise for a real APD police officer.

Speaker 85 This is Oscar, everybody.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 13 Oscar.

Speaker 60 This is what I love about Austin.

Speaker 147 Rob, when I was in L.A.,

Speaker 59 You couldn't find a fucking police officer.

Speaker 110 If they're lighting a grocery store on fire, you couldn't find a fucking police officer.

Speaker 49 Here, I'm like, hey, let's try a little.

Speaker 7 Oh, fuck, there's one right there.

Speaker 60 This is unbelievable.

Speaker 48 Oscar Donnell, what is it?

Speaker 4 What's up?

Speaker 77 Are you scared because there's a police officer that's close to

Speaker 15 when I when I was in the military, when I was in the Air Force, that was my job.

Speaker 2 I was a police officer.

Speaker 100 Oh, wow.

Speaker 44 You never mentioned that you were in the military.

Speaker 15 I was the worst police officer. I made zero arrests in four years.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 15 Yeah, that's a true story.

Speaker 2 I was a military police officer.

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 140 You used to choke yourself?

Speaker 15 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 171 Oh.

Speaker 144 Red band.

Speaker 15 Red band.

Speaker 61 Red band, you can't.

Speaker 84 You dirty motherfucker.

Speaker 123 Red band, you can't ask things like that.

Speaker 15 No, that was funny, though.

Speaker 89 Did you used to choke yourself?

Speaker 19 No, let's check in with Rob Schneider.

Speaker 163 I'll keep myself one time.

Speaker 19 Let's check in with Rob Schneider here.

Speaker 93 I still can't get over the beer after the two pitchers. I mean, what's the next thing next?

Speaker 33 But was there a gun?

Speaker 171 Not tonight.

Speaker 102 Where did you get that drink from?

Speaker 85 Some guy. Give that back.

Speaker 19 Take the fucking drink back.

Speaker 110 You guys are crazy.

Speaker 28 All right, Oscar, if you don't mind doing us a favor, this is the first time in the history of the show we've done anything like this before.

Speaker 94 Thank you for playing along. How about one more time for Oscar?

Speaker 22 Step on up.

Speaker 26 Step on up to that microphone real quick that he has.

Speaker 28 Give him the mic there, James.

Speaker 91 Give Oscar the mic.

Speaker 34 Would you mind would you mind get just giving a quick little dui test to james kerrigan and talk right into the tip of that mic just take us through pretend like we're not here and this you just pulled this guy over and you got him out of his car let's see what happens here

Speaker 32 james james where are you coming from oh shit oh

Speaker 15 shit

Speaker 32 oh shit no do not sit the fuck down these assholes all right i need another another microphone.

Speaker 129 Do we have one under the table?

Speaker 49 We have one under the where the where under the table exactly.

Speaker 72 What's that?

Speaker 47 Very far right.

Speaker 94 Is there one more under there?

Speaker 110 There it is.

Speaker 69 There's one more?

Speaker 67 Yeah, we got one more hidden there.

Speaker 47 Oh, this is so fucked.

Speaker 30 This is podcast history, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 131 Oh, boy.

Speaker 86 Oh, boy.

Speaker 24 James, he asked you a fucking question.

Speaker 180 I've actually come up from a comedy club.

Speaker 161 How much have you had to drink tonight?

Speaker 180 Two drinks.

Speaker 180 Two drinks, I mean.

Speaker 180 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Honest.

Speaker 93 Just not specific.

Speaker 18 The specificity of the officer's question opened up some vagaries.

Speaker 93 And James took advantage of it.

Speaker 72 Advantage, James.

Speaker 22 Continue.

Speaker 161 How big were those two drinks?

Speaker 180 That was like a shot each.

Speaker 93 Again, slightly vague. Shots could be fucking huge, apparently.

Speaker 161 Where are you headed to?

Speaker 69 I'm just going home.

Speaker 39 That's all I'm doing.

Speaker 60 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 110 Such a suspicious answer.

Speaker 85 That's all I'm doing.

Speaker 29 Not doing anything else.

Speaker 49 Just driving home James you seem way too familiar with this experience this happened four months ago you got a DUI four months ago no you got out of it

Speaker 7 oh you ain't getting out of this one motherfucker

Speaker 20 Oscar let's do it fucking hit him with it what do you think

Speaker 24 oh if I get arrested by the way let's just let's just take note can I just say When Oscar talks into the microphone, I've been doing this show for 12 and a half years.

Speaker 61 I've never seen anyone so commanding and clear.

Speaker 167 It's like a specific type of police fucking.

Speaker 49 Where are you coming from?

Speaker 93 I just have to say, this may seem racist-y,

Speaker 49 but

Speaker 93 you're drinking tonight. We should still arrest Donnell.

Speaker 51 We should.

Speaker 15 Let's do the black-white version of it. What would it be?

Speaker 84 What would it be?

Speaker 113 All right.

Speaker 18 Yo!

Speaker 15 Get the fuck out of that car.

Speaker 15 Black Lives Matter, nigga, I ain't do shit.

Speaker 24 This went from DUI to DEI real quick.

Speaker 78 Rob Schneider's moving to Austin.

Speaker 14 I can tell.

Speaker 146 We're having fun tonight.

Speaker 22 We're getting him. We got another one.

Speaker 146 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 23 We're doing it.

Speaker 25 Oscar, how are you cool with this, right?

Speaker 147 Are we good?

Speaker 35 Okay, Oscar.

Speaker 48 Oh, I love it. Fucking fan.

Speaker 110 Tap at a hand for Rob over here, the man.

Speaker 68 We love him.

Speaker 119 We have the best squad here at the mothership.

Speaker 23 Can you give him a little test for me?

Speaker 74 Can we see a little something?

Speaker 69 What would you have him do if you wanted him to fail real quick?

Speaker 161 Stand with your feet together,

Speaker 161 hands down by your side.

Speaker 161 Look at my finger.

Speaker 161 I'm going to move my finger from left to right. Keep your head still.

Speaker 22 You understand?

Speaker 22 Oh, shit.

Speaker 25 What do you think, Oscar? What's the verdict? Oh, yeah, praise God.

Speaker 25 Oh,

Speaker 25 my God.

Speaker 25 Oscar.

Speaker 129 You don't act like cops, do you?

Speaker 24 Oscar, you're leaving here with a big joke book.

Speaker 22 Make some noise for Oscar.

Speaker 146 The APD, the greatest police department on planet Earth.

Speaker 91 James, you had a fucking fantastic set.

Speaker 78 You rolled with the punches every step of the way.

Speaker 129 You are truly an 11-year comedy veteran, and you have the jokes for it.

Speaker 47 You have the stage presence for it.

Speaker 44 Here's a big joke book.

Speaker 29 Sign up. We want to see more of you.
Come back, James Kerrigan.

Speaker 171 Wow

Speaker 22 Wow the first ever DUI checkpoint in kill Tony history

Speaker 14 We got a new segment.

Speaker 3 We got a new segment.

Speaker 49 Oh

Speaker 3 my god.

Speaker 123 I didn't even know that was possible

Speaker 79 I mean what other show in the world has a serious ass Police officer just waiting in the fucking helms.

Speaker 69 I mean unbelievable that was the best.

Speaker 153 You know, it's great.

Speaker 113 He's going to have to like keep his car parked outside and not drive home tonight.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 90 Oh, he's fucked.

Speaker 15 But Tony, he was giving him the test.

Speaker 128 Looking at me.

Speaker 60 Awful.

Speaker 14 It is.

Speaker 28 It's going to be James Kerrigan, Donnell in the back of the police car, and Juanita.

Speaker 20 That's going to be a long drive to the station.

Speaker 15 Stop it.

Speaker 118 Donnell's going to get a shut the fuck fuck up.

Speaker 15 Don't do that, son. Don't do that, son.
Don't do that. Don't do that.
Don't do that, son. Black Lives Matter.
Don't do it.

Speaker 49 What an episode.

Speaker 49 We're gonna keep it moving here.

Speaker 48 We're getting there.

Speaker 96 We're coming around the corner.

Speaker 20 Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 129 This lady, very funny.

Speaker 23 She's been on this show before.

Speaker 14 I'm excited to see a new minute from Sherry Vise,

Speaker 45 everybody.

Speaker 12 The return of Sherry Vesegji.

Speaker 181 Thank you, thank you. I am originally from Iran,

Speaker 181 yeah, where women traditionally don't have dicks.

Speaker 181 No!

Speaker 181 Just mustaches.

Speaker 66 Yeah,

Speaker 181 you know what the safe word is for Middle Eastern women?

Speaker 86 Yeah

Speaker 86 Hashtag

Speaker 181 hashtag not all lives matter

Speaker 181 Keeping it real

Speaker 181 I have a friend who's so obsessed about the size of her boyfriend's dick. She's so happy.

Speaker 181 I mean do women who care about size do they have like a measuring tape in their you know nightstand every time a a new guy comes along? They're like, oh, let's measure that.

Speaker 181 You know who I know for sure has a measuring tape? No, no, not me, not me. Kim Kardashian.

Speaker 181 What do you think she uses? A DeWalt, a Stanley, or the circumference of her mouth?

Speaker 23 Sherry Besedji has done it again.

Speaker 58 Rob Schneider.

Speaker 39 Sherry,

Speaker 93 I just want to say I look forward to your first tour in Iran when you get beaten to death.

Speaker 93 It's going to be special.

Speaker 18 Absolutely.

Speaker 7 Normally, when a comedian is.

Speaker 93 Very funny. Very funny.
That first joke out there fucking killed me.

Speaker 93 Just really, really funny. It's just putting more of those jokes together and boom.
That's really, really funny.

Speaker 41 very special thank you it is true what Rob says if you ever do a show in Iran you're going to be the first not the first comedian to get stoned after a show but in that type of way no doubt about it right I have a question can I

Speaker 15 of course you can yeah you're a guest of how long have you been doing comedy

Speaker 15 about two years this round I used to do comedy years ago can I say this like in this business where it's all about ageism and and I'm not trying to be disrespectful anything for you to be doing comedy for two years right, and have the energy like all these people that are probably younger than you, what that tells me is that you had a time in your life, you did something, and comedy was your passion.

Speaker 15 Am I correct? Yes. And you said to yourself, you know what? Fuck it.
I'm going to do it.

Speaker 138 I'm going to do it again.

Speaker 15 Your energy, the jokes is funny. And then in this situation where it's so competitive, it's all about, you're not relatable, you're old school, whatever.

Speaker 15 And I'm not trying to call you old, but I'm just saying that your energy, everything, your jokes, and I can look in your eyes and tell that it's something you want to do.

Speaker 15 And you say, fuck it, I'm going to do it. So, with that said, I really appreciate what you did.

Speaker 93 And I just want to say, I think that was a black man hitting on you.

Speaker 112 Yeah.

Speaker 140 It's not the first time.

Speaker 69 Let's walk off.

Speaker 15 Fuck it.

Speaker 98 We out of here.

Speaker 76 Hey.

Speaker 98 Let's go.

Speaker 49 I ran.

Speaker 89 I ran, meet, I walked.

Speaker 15 No, I want to just add to that. Like, I've seen, like, these comments that come up.

Speaker 15 I'm not knocking nobody. I've seen the desperation, the nervousness, but you feel so fucking calm.
Like, this is what the fuck I was supposed to have been doing. And that resonates with me.

Speaker 11 He's trying to fuck you.

Speaker 15 I mean, you remember that roleplay, Plantation?

Speaker 15 Do you know how hard you get fucked if somebody fuck you for their freedom?

Speaker 145 I'm going to let that marinate.

Speaker 15 I'm going to let that marinate. And you can use the N-word.
I'm going to let that marinate.

Speaker 104 It might be time for another relotioning of these elbows.

Speaker 106 Something's got a hole on me lately.

Speaker 65 Sherry, how's life been?

Speaker 90 Tell us more about your

Speaker 79 real life.

Speaker 181 You know, ever since I've been on Kill Tony, you know, I get hit on on Instagram, you know.

Speaker 181 But the quality has gone up and the age has come down.

Speaker 124 I love it. Yeah.

Speaker 73 Have you taken advantage of any of these situations?

Speaker 181 I have not, but you know, all these young guys trying to show me their best minute.

Speaker 23 You are so funny.

Speaker 22 I love you.

Speaker 15 You are, you are fucking adorable.

Speaker 151 You really are.

Speaker 88 You really are.

Speaker 65 What are some goals for you, Sherry?

Speaker 36 You are hilarious.

Speaker 42 How much time do you think you have altogether?

Speaker 124 A lot.

Speaker 15 Not in life.

Speaker 28 Right.

Speaker 96 Not in life.

Speaker 29 I'll give it about 80 months.

Speaker 181 The clock is ticking. I need to hurry up with this career.

Speaker 47 But as far as the set goes, like, what's the longest you could do?

Speaker 181 I think I can do 20 minutes. Okay.
But I have more material. I just need an opportunity to do my material.

Speaker 56 Absolutely.

Speaker 15 Well, if you come down to the plantation, I can take care of that.

Speaker 172 You're going to get it.

Speaker 113 You're going to get that.

Speaker 93 Great job tonight.

Speaker 129 It really is.

Speaker 129 They all said it, and I've said it every time you've ever been on.

Speaker 44 You're so charismatic.

Speaker 129 You're delivering and executing your material.

Speaker 14 So goddamn likable.

Speaker 88 Thank you. It's unbelievable.

Speaker 30 Sherry, you've done it again.

Speaker 118 Red Band.

Speaker 82 Sherry, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show.

Speaker 80 Thank you.

Speaker 63 She just got booked on a real show this Thursday from the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

Speaker 20 Sherry Besseggi.

Speaker 162 How about one more time for Sherry, everybody?

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 51 All right.

Speaker 112 We have

Speaker 112 another return of a legendary performer here.

Speaker 40 This man famously is part of one of the most viral clips in Kill Tony history when he

Speaker 44 said that he was molested multiple times as a kid and Dr.

Speaker 115 Phil famously said because he wasn't paying attention I said Dr.

Speaker 47 Phil and Dr.

Speaker 159 Phil said who is your favorite

Speaker 11 he does a podcast with Tony Hawk

Speaker 14 you know him

Speaker 180 from the Hawk and the Wolf.

Speaker 120 This is a minute from Jason Ellis everybody the return of Jason

Speaker 138 What's up motherfuckers

Speaker 138 so yeah, I'm a

Speaker 138 I Know what you're thinking. I don't look that gay.

Speaker 76 Well

Speaker 138 Pitching me naked with a guy's penis in my mouth

Speaker 72 Does it every time but I'm not gay anymore.

Speaker 138 I retired from that shit.

Speaker 72 Fuck that shit. It's hideous.

Speaker 138 But because I've done gay shit, people think that I'm weaker. Like, that guy's a pretty big guy over there.

Speaker 138 Just so you know, dude, I can fucking suck your dick and there wouldn't be shit you could do about it.

Speaker 46 So how am I weak?

Speaker 138 Some other people might be like, I don't like your gay talk, Jason. Maybe you're going to jump me in the parking lot.

Speaker 139 I am a professional fighter.

Speaker 138 I will kick you in the head, knock you out, and suck your dick.

Speaker 52 I'm not finished.

Speaker 138 I'll film it and then I'll put it on the internet And then you'll be gay, but not gay, just like me.

Speaker 138 And you wake up and be like, I'm not gay, bro. And I'm like, pretty sure this video says otherwise.

Speaker 172 Thank you.

Speaker 18 Wow.

Speaker 23 Jason Ellis with the best minute he's done on this show. What a special episode this is.

Speaker 61 Somehow I'm scared to death and turned on at the same time.

Speaker 91 I feel both soft and hard right now.

Speaker 78 Absolutely incredible performance, Jason Ellis.

Speaker 15 Jason did my podcast. Remember that?

Speaker 97 He did my podcast.

Speaker 15 And I'm looking at him. I didn't know that he was a f, right?

Speaker 15 No, that's what you said.

Speaker 98 No, no, no.

Speaker 15 That's what you said. But I'm telling you, this is a scary moment.
Like, you know, I mean, whatever.

Speaker 49 But

Speaker 15 don't let me say this, son.

Speaker 89 Apparently, the word fit is back, people.

Speaker 15 He said it. And I didn't mean it like that.
I didn't mean it like that. I didn't know it.
It didn't mean anything.

Speaker 138 Hey, man, I paid my dues to say that.

Speaker 15 Yo, it's so good. But just the shit is like, this is a black man.
This is what made me nervous. You was like, just I'll fuck you up and suck your dick.
Okay, that's horrible.

Speaker 124 But

Speaker 138 I could do it.

Speaker 15 But it could have been the other side. I'll beat your ass and fuck you.

Speaker 97 I was like, oh, you can't do that.

Speaker 102 Oh, my God.

Speaker 18 You like that shit.

Speaker 138 You might be gay than me, dude.

Speaker 93 As someone.

Speaker 15 What I'm saying is,

Speaker 147 the black guys interrupted.

Speaker 49 What I'm I'm saying is, that's true.

Speaker 19 Here it goes. It is not racist.

Speaker 93 They can't be racist, so we all know. They can jump in whenever they fucking want and demand whatever they want, apparently.

Speaker 19 What I'm trying to say

Speaker 15 is that when I met you, you was a guest of my podcast. You was dope as shit.
I forgot what we talked about. And I didn't really give a fuck about sexuality thing.
I didn't know it, but you was cool.

Speaker 15 Thank you for doing my podcast.

Speaker 15 What the fuck?

Speaker 61 That's what you interrupted, Rob to say.

Speaker 20 Thank you for doing my podcast.

Speaker 65 You know what?

Speaker 21 We're going to bring Juanita back up here right now.

Speaker 118 No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Speaker 60 I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Speaker 102 No one even remembers that.

Speaker 102 You're being mean to me, Tony.

Speaker 10 Okay,

Speaker 15 just the other day you told me how much you love me.

Speaker 49 Let's check. I do.
I do.

Speaker 15 No, the other day he was like, Just, I remember when we first met, our connection. Yeah.

Speaker 15 You said all this, and now you're just leaving out, leaving me out here for people to, you don't give a fuck about me.

Speaker 14 No, Donnell, we love you.

Speaker 129 I can tell you have that look in your eye.

Speaker 59 I've seen this before.

Speaker 15 I got 10 minutes worth of show before I go to the bathroom, nigga.

Speaker 93 You know, I will say, I can't get it out of my head, but I would like to see you, Jason, beat the shit out of Donnell while he's fucking Juanita.

Speaker 132 That is true.

Speaker 24 That would be the world's greatest three sex.

Speaker 93 As someone who enjoys nonviolent sex

Speaker 93 Where the ending is not a punch in the face, but

Speaker 93 come in the face. It's different.

Speaker 93 I just want to say I learned something tonight from you, and I won't sleep well.

Speaker 93 Thank you.

Speaker 4 You're welcome.

Speaker 138 I think.

Speaker 123 Jason, you are a scary guy.

Speaker 61 How's it been going in normal life?

Speaker 37 Tell us what it is. Really good.

Speaker 138 Yeah.

Speaker 156 Yeah, better than ever.

Speaker 62 I love it. Tell us about it.

Speaker 139 I got a girlfriend.

Speaker 138 She's got a vagina. She was born with one.

Speaker 69 Wow.

Speaker 46 Look at that. Thank you.

Speaker 144 Thank you.

Speaker 143 I'm confused.

Speaker 129 He was gay.

Speaker 21 Now he's no longer gay.

Speaker 139 I was never gay.

Speaker 138 I was just a sex addict. Oh, okay.
I used to fuck everybody.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 45 And like when you fuck a lot of ladies.

Speaker 109 The other one looking at me, fucking sketchboards.

Speaker 138 But when you try to fuck a lot of ladies in one day, it's a lot of talking, you know?

Speaker 125 I know that.

Speaker 72 So

Speaker 138 dudes just suck it and leave. It's pretty convenient.

Speaker 138 The only bad thing about it is it is pretty gay.

Speaker 132 Yeah.

Speaker 76 It's in this moment that I realize I'm on the wrong fucking show.

Speaker 8 This is the moment?

Speaker 93 I think it might be time for the audience may need a shower at this moment.

Speaker 65 Jason, what's the gayest thing you ever did?

Speaker 55 That's fucked up.

Speaker 138 I'm trying to move past that, like the dicks of Christmas Past.

Speaker 89 But I guess,

Speaker 137 like,

Speaker 46 I love that.

Speaker 48 I love that the horn players have a song for this.

Speaker 46 The gayest thing that you've ever done.

Speaker 40 What's the gayest thing that you've ever done?

Speaker 49 It's the gayest thing jason's ever done and everyone wants to know gayest thing i know how it is so fucking gay we wanna know i rollerbladed once

Speaker 15 yo that's so fucked up i used to rollerblade in brooklyn you're fucking gayer than me dude you're fucking gayer than me

Speaker 4 that's insane

Speaker 15 You can't tell a black man sit back down, sir.

Speaker 89 You can say take your seat, but you can't can't say that well if i tell you to take the seat you're gonna leave wouldn't take the actual seat

Speaker 49 i think

Speaker 93 i think one question that the audience is thinking is what is the tattoo that's on your dick that is a good question that's the last spot i got one more gap and that's it

Speaker 138 i probably i haven't decided what i'm getting on there but everything i just want one tattoo and there's a few gaps and one of them is my dick Oh, so there's no tattoo on the dick.

Speaker 33 That's interesting, right?

Speaker 138 It's also pretty gay that you guys give a shit about that. Yeah.

Speaker 49 Hey.

Speaker 13 I didn't see you. Believe it or not.

Speaker 49 Believe it or not. They asked a question.
Believe it or not.

Speaker 52 This isn't even the gayest part of the show.

Speaker 89 Donnell took the gay cake earlier.

Speaker 75 We will,

Speaker 18 we will fuck you.

Speaker 118 Oh, you're never going to flip it down, buddy.

Speaker 11 Oh,

Speaker 49 my God.

Speaker 93 They're going to come up to you at the airport singing that one, baby.

Speaker 24 Man, I can't believe you didn't see that she was not originally she.

Speaker 21 Yeah, even Jason Ellis is like, yeah, Donnell, you're gay as fuck.

Speaker 60 We will fuck you. Oh, my God.

Speaker 49 You sang it with such fucking passion.

Speaker 107 No, I didn't.

Speaker 6 You did.

Speaker 93 No, but black guys think anything white or white adjacent is hot.

Speaker 142 That's the fact.

Speaker 96 That's what was proved tonight. Oh, God.

Speaker 97 Something's got a hole on me lately.

Speaker 157 Guys,

Speaker 46 Jason.

Speaker 15 How many times did I tell you I'm no good at?

Speaker 49 All right, go ahead.

Speaker 19 All right.

Speaker 47 All right, Jason, that was by far the best minute you've ever done on the show.

Speaker 73 So funny, so great.

Speaker 23 Such a great set.

Speaker 23 Again, it's my favorite part of the show is literally watching people get better in front of our eyes.

Speaker 14 One more time.

Speaker 104 Anything else you want to plug?

Speaker 22 You got the hawk and the wolf?

Speaker 76 That's close.

Speaker 138 It's shut down.

Speaker 156 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 138 Tony's not as good at skateboarding as he used to be, so he has to get a job. I just like saying that in case he sees it.
You're fucking old and you suck, Tony.

Speaker 21 But

Speaker 21 Tony Hawkeye's sucker.

Speaker 33 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 62 Sorry, rum guy.

Speaker 138 But I'm a comedian on the road, so thejasonellis.com is where all my tour dates live.

Speaker 76 Perfect.

Speaker 35 Make some noise.

Speaker 23 One more time for Jason Ellis.

Speaker 86 He is gay.

Speaker 46 The gayest thing.

Speaker 47 We want to know what's the gayest thing.

Speaker 11 Hey, all right.

Speaker 15 He taught me how to fight on my podcast.

Speaker 15 My podcast is Donair Rawlinshow.com. It has something, he taught me how to fight.

Speaker 15 Not fight, but he gave me suggestions on how to handle people. And I really appreciate the fact that, you know, my podcast, it's okay, it's struggling, whatever.
But he pulled up and showed me love.

Speaker 42 Well, it's great that you know how to fight this way.

Speaker 48 You'll be able to get Juanita off or on top of you later.

Speaker 15 How much time before the show's over?

Speaker 19 We're going to do. Let's see.

Speaker 15 No, don't touch me, Rob.

Speaker 111 I'm sorry.

Speaker 98 I'm just. You went down with the man, Rob.

Speaker 93 No, I'm just, I have to, I have to cancel being on your podcast, I guess.

Speaker 45 I'm sorry.

Speaker 72 Call me back, though, when the numbers go up, and then I want to go.

Speaker 118 But thank you for being honest.

Speaker 14 Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to make it the final bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 78 Make some noise for Tom Anderson, everybody.

Speaker 111 Tom Anderson.

Speaker 156 Oh, yeah, mothership.

Speaker 135 So I'm going through a bit of a transformation.

Speaker 173 I'm getting fatter slowly, and there's nothing I can really do about it to stop it. So I'm leaving it to my government.

Speaker 173 I'm going to put it in the hands of RFK Jr., our Secretary of Health, to stop me.

Speaker 26 And

Speaker 138 I don't know what it is about him.

Speaker 173 I really trust him.

Speaker 135 He's got a lot of battle scars health-wise.

Speaker 173 He's got that voice. And

Speaker 173 he had a brain worm, which is, I think that's a disease that kills wizards. I don't really know

Speaker 173 how you get through that.

Speaker 173 I'm so curious how that doctor's visit sounded, you know.

Speaker 58 He's like, doctor, my fucking head hurts.

Speaker 173 And then he's looking at the chart, he's like, oh, well, it appears you've got bugs in your mind.

Speaker 173 We need to get those out. So I can only really think of one solution, Mr.

Speaker 173 F. Kennedy.

Speaker 58 We're going to have to blow your head off.

Speaker 72 A little too close to home, I know.

Speaker 46 Tom Anderson.

Speaker 22 Lots of laughs.

Speaker 29 I could hear them over Donnell talking in my ear.

Speaker 15 Shut the fuck up!

Speaker 15 Tony, I didn't come here for this.

Speaker 19 They don't know the history, Tony.

Speaker 106 Can we break down the history? Yeah.

Speaker 15 Be honest.

Speaker 4 During the pandemic,

Speaker 15 when you move your shit here,

Speaker 15 nobody wanted to come on your podcast

Speaker 15 because they were scared to catch COVID. Am I lying?

Speaker 15 Let me tell you, they would come here, they would do Rogue and shit. They'd be like, fuck it, I'm out of here.

Speaker 93 You asked me, Donnell, can you come?

Speaker 84 I do.

Speaker 15 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 51 I did.

Speaker 15 I don't know how to say axe, nigga.

Speaker 15 I don't know how to say amalge either. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 15 Please help him be more interesting for Madison Square Guards.

Speaker 93 I'm going to be racist and interrupt the black man.

Speaker 15 This is son.

Speaker 98 This is what they don't know.

Speaker 10 You caught me very desperate.

Speaker 15 And you're voice. You was like,

Speaker 15 you said, Donnell, could you come and do my podcast? I said, you know, I don't fuck with this shit. I'm too sensitive.
I will crash out. Did I not say that? Yes.
And I sat here.

Speaker 15 And we didn't have this desk. You had.

Speaker 49 You're right.

Speaker 15 We didn't have this band here.

Speaker 49 You're right. We We had a tablecloth, and it was on a wobbly table.

Speaker 14 We did have the same exact band.

Speaker 108 Okay, sorry.

Speaker 108 I would have.

Speaker 15 I know all y'all look alike, son.

Speaker 102 But listen.

Speaker 49 Let Rob jump in for once.

Speaker 93 I would have done his show then, but I still wouldn't have done your shows now.

Speaker 81 That's awesome.

Speaker 93 Just because the number of viewers that you admitted.

Speaker 21 That you did.

Speaker 89 Imagine the number of viewers once they see them hit on Juanita.

Speaker 46 I mean, it's going, it's going to be a little bit more.

Speaker 15 You know, Juanita, I had a misunderstanding with Juanita.

Speaker 7 You had a mister understanding with Juanita.

Speaker 85 You thought it was a misunderstanding.

Speaker 22 That was a miser understanding.

Speaker 15 Tony,

Speaker 19 let's do this. That's a fucking great joke.

Speaker 15 Let's just do this. And this is the thing.

Speaker 170 I'm sorry.

Speaker 49 I'm sorry.

Speaker 46 A mister understanding is like one of the greatest jokes I've ever done in my life. It's all moving so quick people didn't even notice.

Speaker 28 No, that was funny.

Speaker 15 This is what these people don't understand.

Speaker 15 It's not time to joke. It's time to be serious.

Speaker 93 We're going to get some.

Speaker 15 Don't touch me, Rob. I'm being serious.

Speaker 93 We're going to get some Adams apples.

Speaker 51 I was there for you over here, please.

Speaker 7 I was there for you.

Speaker 98 I was there for you. Tony, I was there for you.

Speaker 15 I showed up.

Speaker 15 Look at me, motherfucker.

Speaker 15 You said.

Speaker 15 I was there for Tony.

Speaker 15 And it was in a time where

Speaker 15 nobody was there for

Speaker 49 my nose.

Speaker 102 Let me get this.

Speaker 15 And you said, Donnell, would you show up for me? And I said, as a friend, I would show up for you. And I did the show.
I was here for two and a half years.

Speaker 8 He did the show.

Speaker 182 He did the show.

Speaker 157 He did the show.

Speaker 18 It wasn't popular.

Speaker 157 No one wanted to do it.

Speaker 111 I'ma tip.

Speaker 134 Donnell took the time

Speaker 18 to come down,

Speaker 18 to come down, to come down

Speaker 179 Even though he wasn't gonna benefit in any fucking way

Speaker 5 He still came down

Speaker 82 and he never he never never never let Tony forget it

Speaker 51 I tell you why.

Speaker 51 It's raining back.

Speaker 107 Who the fuck are you? How'd you get out there?

Speaker 15 Hallelujah.

Speaker 24 I'm so sorry I walked on L.

Speaker 113 That was really bad of me. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 93 Two hours ago you performed. How did you feel it went?

Speaker 152 I don't remember.

Speaker 72 What joke did I do?

Speaker 30 I have no idea what I said.

Speaker 22 It was a great song.

Speaker 93 I think it was interesting basing your whole act on the Health and Human Services Secretary.

Speaker 93 That's different than what else we saw tonight. I will say we have learned a lot from our health secretary that our government has been lying to us.
Now it's all coming out.

Speaker 93 Apparently, fruit loops is not good for you.

Speaker 93 No fruit in the loops at all, apparently.

Speaker 108 Got my hand. Thank you, Robert Kennedy.

Speaker 172 Junior.

Speaker 57 What happened to the first one?

Speaker 93 I didn't read up on him.

Speaker 156 What happened to him?

Speaker 173 His daddy.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Well, never mind.

Speaker 117 We ran out of big joke books to give away, Tom, but I'll tell you, you had a fantastic set.

Speaker 7 What do we have for Tom?

Speaker 48 Anything?

Speaker 39 That thing? Yeah, but that's a big bomb.

Speaker 159 That's like for people like bomb in a great way.

Speaker 79 We don't really have anything to give you.

Speaker 44 Why don't you give him a spot on The the secret show real quick?

Speaker 69 That'll be great.

Speaker 86 I'm going to have you on the secret show Thursday.

Speaker 23 Amazing. Tom Anderson, you got a spot on the secret show.

Speaker 63 Thank you. You saved us.

Speaker 23 Red band with a big save. Thank you, Tom Anderson.
Great stuff. Sign up again.

Speaker 12 And then we'll talk more.

Speaker 29 You just have to understand

Speaker 29 you're on a crazy climax of one of the greatest episodes in the history of the show.

Speaker 93 Also, if you want, you stick around later. There's a gay guy who'll beat the shit out of you after he comes on you.
If you want, it's just what I'm saying.

Speaker 93 It's an option for some of the performers tonight if they didn't know

Speaker 45 Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode it has been indeed

Speaker 146 and There's only one more performer ladies and gentlemen, but it is not William Montgomery Let it be known William is out on vacation tonight However, there's only one other human that could possibly end an episode like this.

Speaker 12 A fucking freak of nature widely considered, without a doubt, one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 14 Soon to be one of the greatest American comedians.

Speaker 26 For now, he remains the Estonian assassin.

Speaker 51 This is Ari Matty!

Speaker 80 So,

Speaker 80 when

Speaker 145 are we getting these Waymos

Speaker 145 to kill the homeless at night?

Speaker 145 Robots are supposed to do the jobs we don't want to.

Speaker 33 I see them driving around all empty.

Speaker 153 They should get together in an HEB parking lot, fucking.

Speaker 145 Everybody picks one alley and you just fucking...

Speaker 106 Help us out, robots!

Speaker 180 Or if you want to be like vegan about it fucking Get a car full of them drop them off in Houston, you know I'm saying

Speaker 108 Dude I am dude I moved here a year ago.

Speaker 145 I used to be like no, they're all human and snowflakes fuck you

Speaker 145 stop bleeding on my fucking pizza

Speaker 145 Dude the homeless in Austin every time I see these motherfuckers they're getting stronger and and stronger

Speaker 145 They're fucking getting D vitamin during the day

Speaker 145 Going through photosynthesis

Speaker 153 They're fucking fasting.

Speaker 145 They're avoiding social media. They're cold plunging in Lady Bird Lake

Speaker 108 The homeless in Austin are doing everything Joe Rogan talks about.

Speaker 144 Thank you so much.

Speaker 171 Wow.

Speaker 55 Wow.

Speaker 22 Absolute fucking rock star.

Speaker 29 And you get to watch it in real time, mesmerizing Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 153 What's up, guys? What's up, Rob Schneider?

Speaker 145 So good to see you, my friend.

Speaker 93 So great to see you. And I would tell you, I was fucking dying.

Speaker 72 You're hilarious.

Speaker 138 Yeah, I noticed from the corner of my eye.

Speaker 113 That was awesome.

Speaker 93 I don't don't take up a lot of space in people.

Speaker 93 Stop bleeding on my fucking pizza. It's such a beautiful image.

Speaker 93 Because you can see what's happening in the pizza parlor. A crazy fucking person comes in, and then nobody wants to deal with it.
You get your pizza, and he fucking bleeds on your pizza.

Speaker 153 Keep Austin weird.

Speaker 93 No, you're going to be a gigantic fucking star.

Speaker 124 Oh, thank you.

Speaker 93 Gigantic.

Speaker 90 Yep.

Speaker 93 Gigantic.

Speaker 162 Thank you.

Speaker 93 And you might get fucked by a crazy guy in the back after, too.

Speaker 74 I got to say, it's so great to hear Rob get to finish his thoughts completely uninterrupted.

Speaker 109 It almost seems like something's missing.

Speaker 49 Something that's been...

Speaker 93 It seems almost racist, what you just said.

Speaker 180 It is interesting. A black guy didn't finish the job.

Speaker 72 Oh, wow.

Speaker 15 Enough is enough.

Speaker 15 Tony, in front of your fucking audience.

Speaker 15 And I always respected you, and I told you, there is not a platform in comedy that gives motherfuckers an opportunity to go from nobody knowing you to superstars.

Speaker 93 And I know what that podcast isn't, yours.

Speaker 93 just saying I mean that's very racist I know

Speaker 15 it meant a lot to me to be here Tony

Speaker 15 can I tell you some emotional shit

Speaker 78 no one's ever turned their chair around like that

Speaker 15 you we were supposed to this is for the family

Speaker 15 I want to, I'm seeing a therapist now, right?

Speaker 110 Or was it backstage?

Speaker 15 No, Teddy Swims is my therapist.

Speaker 75 Okay.

Speaker 15 And I'm going to tell you this. This is the realest shit.
I'm going to be honest.

Speaker 19 Your therapist.

Speaker 182 This is the real shit.

Speaker 4 Rod, I need a moment.

Speaker 58 Teddy Swims is your therapist, the musician.

Speaker 125 Something's gotten a hole on me lately.

Speaker 15 I want to say this.

Speaker 45 Your Teddy can't swims.

Speaker 8 I feel like Obama shifts.

Speaker 105 This is what I want to say.

Speaker 8 Obama shift dry.

Speaker 100 This is abusive right now.

Speaker 15 Tony,

Speaker 15 you told me.

Speaker 46 It's not nice being interrupted.

Speaker 8 I'm learning my lesson.

Speaker 15 Donnell's not going.

Speaker 13 I'm passing.

Speaker 97 Can you do this?

Speaker 108 Can you do this?

Speaker 79 Yeah, this one.

Speaker 15 Tony. Give the man a minute.
Can you give me one minute uninterrupted? Yes.

Speaker 45 Start the clock, Red Bannery.

Speaker 93 If you give me five fucking seconds uninterrupted,

Speaker 82 how about that is that racist

Speaker 5 give me it give the filipino man listen i want to say one minute and uninterrupted

Speaker 19 you got it the clock starts right now

Speaker 79 okay

Speaker 15 okay listen i was there for you you was there for me my podcast you was there for me and the one thing i regret about our relationship is after you dealt with that with the rnc or whatever that convention and you was hot everybody don't say what, nigga, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 15 No, you was hot. I'm going to say this is some real shit.
It's not a joke.

Speaker 60 He was on fire.

Speaker 15 One thing I regret is because you wanted me to be on the show. You was like, Donnell, let's go put it into this shit.
Come to the show, right? And I was excited about coming to the show.

Speaker 182 He was excited.

Speaker 15 I worked with it, but you was hot.

Speaker 15 You was hot with Trump. You was hot with that shit.

Speaker 29 It is true.

Speaker 47 Donnell is referencing that 24 hours after the Trump rally, when all of the news would not shut the fuck up about me.

Speaker 49 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 129 Donnell was the booked guest.

Speaker 46 And with

Speaker 41 this, with 10 minutes before the show started, he told me that he can't be on the show, that the block is too hot.

Speaker 42 He can't be associated with me right now.

Speaker 15 No, I didn't say I couldn't be ashamed.

Speaker 96 No, I know, I know, I know.

Speaker 118 No, no, no, no, don't boo him.

Speaker 129 No, no, no, no, no. It's not like that.

Speaker 182 That's what he meant.

Speaker 75 He is.

Speaker 75 That's right, D.

Speaker 75 That's exactly what I meant.

Speaker 80 And I know that, I know. I was like this.

Speaker 107 I like this.

Speaker 51 That was super fucking racist.

Speaker 80 I know, I know, I know, I know.

Speaker 151 I am in love with Rob Schneider.

Speaker 23 Let the record show.

Speaker 22 I love you, baby. He is you, baby.

Speaker 83 I love you.

Speaker 15 And let me say this.

Speaker 15 It was the hardest call to make because we talked about it. And we said, D, you can just come up there and walk off.
It was the hardest shit. I called my publicist nine times.

Speaker 15 I said, What if I do this? Whatever. She said, I don't know if that's a good idea.
I was like, but that's my nigga, right?

Speaker 8 That's him.

Speaker 182 That's why the Filipino man just used the N-word

Speaker 8 of the biggest podcast in the fucking world, in the world, in the world.

Speaker 31 Yo,

Speaker 15 I know we're having fun, but I just want to tell you this. It's one thing to regret because I was like this.
I put somebody's, what they, I said, it's not it.

Speaker 15 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 15 I'm going to say this. That was one minute.

Speaker 7 You sang through my minute.

Speaker 15 I just want to say this. All jokes aside, whatever.

Speaker 49 He just wants to say it.

Speaker 75 Because just wants to say.

Speaker 182 He's going to say.

Speaker 182 He's about to say.

Speaker 182 He's interrupted while he's saying.

Speaker 15 But I think he's going to squeeze it in.

Speaker 60 Because he's standing up.

Speaker 8 He's over his fucking minute.

Speaker 182 But he's going to say it.

Speaker 108 And here it fucking comes.

Speaker 7 I want to have to.

Speaker 15 We can do this.

Speaker 96 Hold on, hold on. You go ahead.

Speaker 15 We can clown all we want, but I'm telling you.

Speaker 111 I forgot. No, no, no.

Speaker 147 We're kidding. We're kidding.
Go ahead.

Speaker 129 Go ahead. Getting a taste of your own medicine here.

Speaker 58 Go ahead.

Speaker 15 It's whatever. I just want to say this.

Speaker 15 You can sing whatever, but I'm saying it's the one thing, because I said, and I told you, I said, yo, I wanted to be there for you and your show I said but right now it feels like it's gonna be political, you know

Speaker 32 the block was so hot

Speaker 14 you guys don't understand I don't blame anybody for not making that episode

Speaker 123 Rob is getting

Speaker 90 I'd love for someone can we get a statistician to go through the episode and see how many times Donnell interrupted when Rob had more to say?

Speaker 52 And then we will see if Rob actually caught up during this part.

Speaker 19 No, no.

Speaker 110 Because I think it's going to be neck and neck.

Speaker 52 I think you guys are going to break about Netty even here.

Speaker 15 I am trying as a black man.

Speaker 51 Oh,

Speaker 49 well, in that case.

Speaker 113 Oh, no, don't do that.

Speaker 66 No, don't, don't, no.

Speaker 15 I'm trying to have a moment.

Speaker 19 You're in Texas.

Speaker 89 Don't say as a black man.

Speaker 46 You're in Texas.

Speaker 15 What I want to say is, I felt bad because, and this is what I respect about you. I said,

Speaker 15 you said to me, you said, Donnell,

Speaker 15 I understand. But that understand, you said, like, yeah, nigga, you got scared, right?

Speaker 15 And I was a little nervous about this shit, and I felt bad about it because our relationship is that when you called for me, I pulled up for you.

Speaker 15 In my little bullshit pocket.

Speaker 182 We can cut this part out.

Speaker 15 We're not.

Speaker 182 It's editable.

Speaker 182 You just take a little bit you cut this out an episode still works and it's funny

Speaker 182 this podcast

Speaker 15 i want to say this yes i know funny and we could be funny all the time you could do that gag all you want

Speaker 107 it's still working

Speaker 15 and guess what it's going to continue to work yes because it's funny yeah but the point i want to make whether you know it or not the thing i felt bad about about is because when I called you to do my shit, my little podcast, you showed up for me, bro.

Speaker 15 And that thing that I fucking was mad about is that in that situation, you was in me.

Speaker 93 No, I'm telling you, I promise you, when it gets bigger, I'll show up too. You watch.

Speaker 15 I don't get it. You watch.

Speaker 10 When I tell you, get big.

Speaker 15 Quick.

Speaker 15 I don't care about that.

Speaker 49 No, I don't either.

Speaker 24 I'm talking about.

Speaker 72 That's why I'm not going on your show.

Speaker 66 I'm sorry.

Speaker 15 we're even now we're fucking even Tony you told me when to chill out can you tell this nigga to chill out no doubt about it no doubt about it you're a legend I respect that isn't it crazy that the white guy on the show is named Rob isn't this weird no this is what I want to say

Speaker 15 I can man it up I can man up this is what I want to say T this is what I want to say and I mean it y'all can crack a joke or whatever.

Speaker 15 What I'm saying is, what I'm telling you is that I respect you as a friend. Yes.
I felt bad that I couldn't show up then. And I appreciate...

Speaker 2 Stop it, Rob. Please.

Speaker 147 Keep going. Keep going.

Speaker 15 Please, don't do it. Keep going.

Speaker 15 What I'm saying is

Speaker 15 I appreciate what you are to comedy.

Speaker 15 Nobody has a platform like this when you give people opportunities like this. And I apologize.
that I didn't stick to my guns and be there for you because you've always been there for me.

Speaker 15 Yo, yo, I mean,

Speaker 15 after Juanita, people are going to think I'm suspect.

Speaker 126 After Juanita.

Speaker 5 I'm talking post-Wanita now.

Speaker 15 What I want to say is this,

Speaker 100 Tony,

Speaker 15 I appreciate our friendship.

Speaker 15 I appreciate what you mean, the comedy. I remember a time when you went through that bullshit when they tried to cancel you, and everybody was to fuck with you.

Speaker 15 You stayed to your guns and you did this shit and right now you have one the biggest fucking show

Speaker 144 on fucking whatever

Speaker 15 and thank you the situation

Speaker 15 the fact that when i called you i said bruh i'm trying to come back on your show and you said whatever you want to do d

Speaker 15 i mean we can joke whatever i love you bro thank you donnell rawlings

Speaker 23 you know what That was so good.

Speaker 14 I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 22 Donnell Rollins.

Speaker 146 There's a red band on that guy, by the way.

Speaker 22 Unbelievable.

Speaker 118 And let me tell you something.

Speaker 14 People are going to say Donnell interrupts, Donnell this, and people make their jokes about Chappelle and this and that, but let me tell you something.

Speaker 129 The reason why people make the Chappelle jokes about Donnell is because he was on the greatest comedy show of all time.

Speaker 7 And more than that, if you haven't, you absolutely have to see Donnell Rawlings live.

Speaker 3 He's always touring.

Speaker 23 Donnell Rawlings.com and the Donnell Rawlings show available everywhere where shows are possibly available because he is a true fucking comedian.

Speaker 15 Can I say one last thing?

Speaker 146 He wants to say one more thing.

Speaker 79 Hunri HBA!

Speaker 55 Donnell Rawlings!

Speaker 85 Talk space, prize fix, and Tagovas.

Speaker 85 How loud can this place get for first-time guest and nominee already for 2025 guest of the year, Rob Schneider?

Speaker 11 He is on tour at robschneider.com.

Speaker 26 It has begun.

Speaker 85 Rob Schneider has entered the Kill Tony universe and there's no going back.

Speaker 123 Future Austin resident Rob Schneider, the drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 24 Ebelt is in.

Speaker 82 Guys,

Speaker 118 he blended in like camouflage.

Speaker 110 How loud can this place get for one of the greatest comedians in the world, Ari Maddie?

Speaker 82 Let's see what Chris Rogers cooked up over there.

Speaker 15 Oh, it's Ari Maddie.

Speaker 31 Unbelievable.

Speaker 29 Rob, is there anything else you'd like to say?

Speaker 14 Unbelievable first appearance on the show.

Speaker 93 It's an honor to be here, honestly. And Austin, they said it's the best audiences in the world, and I get it.

Speaker 22 You guys are the best. Thank you.

Speaker 29 You are the man, Rob Schneider.

Speaker 22 I love it, man.

Speaker 14 This is, by the way, the fun fact, this is very

Speaker 20 rarely happens, because I've worked with and met almost everybody, but this is the first time I've ever worked with Rob Schneider in any way, and my God.

Speaker 49 It's an honor to be here.

Speaker 14 Love it, first fucking whatever this is.

Speaker 22 Unbelievable.

Speaker 93 If you want us, I know you can't do it during the show, but Matt Muelling and I have been on tour singing together, and we can put a song together if you want.

Speaker 170 Yeah,

Speaker 46 play us out.

Speaker 85 Play us out. Playing us out tonight.
Guest of the year 2025, nominee, Rob Schneider. Thank you to Talkspace, Prize Picks, and Segovas.
Thank you to this audience, Red Band.

Speaker 49 Love you guys.

Speaker 124 One, two, one, two.

Speaker 26 Sister, maybe, maybe, little sister.

Speaker 174 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

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