#733 - ROB SCHNEIDER + DONNELL RAWLINGS

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

hey this is redmit coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony giving up for tony hitch class

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yes,

we've done it again.

Make some noise for Brighton Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Watch the super likable co-host of Kill Tony.

And one more time for the best stamp band in the land, ladies and gentlemen holy shit this is Kill Tony brought to you by talkspace prize picks and tocobas that's the great Carlos Sosa Fernando Castillo Raul Vallejo and Michael Gonzalez on the drums Matt Muelling on the electric guitar behind me the great John Dees on the keys and believe it or not live in the flesh that is de-madness ladies and gentlemen holy shit

wow the energy in this room is is unbelievable.

The air conditioner is working.

It is a beautiful 71 degrees in this room tonight.

And we have an amazing episode for you.

I'm so excited about it.

I'm in a really good mood.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

We may need to change that jingle.

Prizes and participation may vary.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called it truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds.

Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Wow, well,

well,

we are.

We are, by all measurements, the number one comedy show in the world right now.

Colbert is out.

Howard Stern is out.

It's us.

12 and a half years every Monday, and yet I've never had one of the guests that's on tonight's show, and I've always wanted this guest.

The other guest has famously been on numerous times and leads the all-time record of walkouts by a guest during a taping of the show.

What a chemistry match we have here tonight.

Two comedy legends.

One, one of the biggest comedy movie stars of all time.

Two, literally, one of the biggest comedy television show stars of all time.

Famous for being on the number one comedy show of all time.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our guests, Rob Schneider and Donnell Rawling.

Yeah,

let's fucking go.

Rob Schneider.

Donnell Rawlings.

Yes!

Yes!

Absolute fucking loot!

Donnell!

Donnell Rawlings!

The Donnell Rawlings Show available everywhere!

Rob Schneider is on tour, Rob Schneider.com.

Rob, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Fresh off of Happy Gilmore 2.

Rob, motherfucking Schneider.

Thank you, Tony.

You can do it.

Number one show in the world.

Yeah.

You did it.

You did it.

You did it.

How exciting is this?

We've always wanted Rob on the show, and we got him.

Looking stunning tonight.

To win for us, dressed up for us.

We love it, Rob.

Welcome to the kill tonight.

I got this at Neiman Marcus in the gay bullfighting section

fits so right I love it that's my favorite section at Neiman Marcus

everybody knows it Donnell Rawlings I don't want to fucking be here

The walk-off king of the show.

Let me say something.

You did that and you don't give a fuck about black lives.

Oh my God.

He gave me a shirt that says black lives do not fucking matter on this show.

And is the funny thing we started as good friends yeah and i had a situation yeah right

where people say i crashed out uh-huh

he was one of the motherfuckers you was one of the motherfuckers and they've been torturing me for the last fucking five years yeah They said that you even came on my podcast and said I was Christopher walking off the show.

And he's fucking, I love y'all, but y'all assholes at the same time.

Don't give a fuck.

Tell them what else I called you on that episode, your favorite one.

What did I call you?

What?

I can't remember.

I called you Dave's.

Oh, no.

And this is my friend.

He said Dave Chappelle's butt plug.

I called him Dave Chappelle's butt.

What the fuck was that about?

That's a good one.

Yeah.

That's what we call that.

That's a good one right there.

Yeah,

and I'm telling you, these motherfuckers don't give a fuck about me.

yeah

why you laughing

you don't give a fuck about me either son

and it's i'm a father i love being a father yeah and i dealt with these kill tony fans for the last four years

they keep with me tony they don't give a fuck that i'm a father that i'm a black man it's

What the fuck is that?

We're not going to do this.

So listen.

These motherfuckers are so fucking ruthless I posted a video of a core moment in my son's life

I'm teaching him how to ride a fucking bike right Rob and then somebody one of your fucking fans says a good thing he look taught him how to ride a bike so he can walk out of his life instead of rolling out

And I tell you that.

Tell him about the top 10 video on YouTube.

Oh, no, this is what you did for me.

Thank you for the engagement, everybody.

But

you notice he's the biggest name in Connie right now, so his shorts fucking kill, right?

So I was like, This: Oh, I just Googled myself one day and I wanted to see how people felt about me, right?

I was like, I know they love the episode when I did with David Lucas.

I got a standovation.

I know that.

I was like, I'm gonna put Tony Henchcliffe, Kill Tony, and Donair Rollins in a search engine and see what happens.

You know, the first thing that popped up, this is the first thing that popped up: the 10 worst guests in Kill Tony fucking history and I'm letting y'all know I'm proud to say fuck Ric Flair I'm number one

I'm fucking number one bitch and

so there you have

me Tony no I care so much you care about this but you don't really care about him

you had a 20-minute conversation yeah and this is your friend you said red how can we make you more likable more likeable no one knows about this

and i looked i said

it's not gonna happen

okay but this is all about for me

what is that

is that a siren because i'm a black man on this panel oh it's a fire truck because when you walked off that one time we have to stop saying i walked off

I removed myself from the situation.

All right, with your feet, therefore it was a walk-off.

So Rob Schneider is here.

The number one ranked worst guest of all time, Donnell Rollings is here.

It is Rob's first time, so if you don't know, Rob, over 300 people signed up for the chance to be on this show tonight.

No doubt about it.

They are at a bar next door.

If I pull one of these names and hand it off to our trusty assistant Colt over here, he goes and wrangles the person there backstage.

They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to impress us with their hopefully stand-up comedy talent.

And you know their time is up when you're the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which rudely interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview with them.

We all have fun together.

The entire thing's improvised.

Anything can happen.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Well, here we go your first minute tonight while we go wrangle that first bucket pull is from an illustrious golden ticket winner one of the best golden ticket winners in the history of the show ladies and gentlemen this is a brand new minute from the great and powerful Martin Phillips everybody here we go

you know a lot of comedians where they they do jokes they get the bumped at the end but i don't always have a dropper so i use a robotica.

So here we go.

I stay at hotels.

Nice hotels can be expensive.

It's like dang $400.

The prostitute was $800 and I'm losing money.

My favorite soda is Sprite with Cotsworth.

It's in a choir taste.

It's like, sure, I'm fucked up, but I don't have a cold.

I take my dog places.

He's not an assistant dog, but you know, a guy like me, you know what's going to question it.

But I think I can bring any animal with me, you know.

I think they'd be like, oh, yes.

That raccoon helps him.

Yes,

he has hands.

Wow.

Martin Phillips has done it again.

He has a brand new harmonica.

This is brand new.

Guess what?

What?

I don't know how to play harmonica.

Wow.

I have

no experience.

Wow.

I didn't even guess that.

You sounded fantastic to bangs.

Some type of.

I think if you add cocaine, it's Uncle Laser.

That's true.

Can you imagine doing cocaine with him?

The cocaine will be everywhere.

All right.

Who's ready?

No way.

No way.

Who's ready to hit this shit right here?

Okay.

No, this is right.

Dude, you have a girlfriend?

I know you got a girlfriend.

You know why?

Because I'm watching and your fingers was just going crazy.

Bitches, he was like this.

I want to make you come.

He sounded like Audrey Hempburn or Golden Pond.

I want to make you come.

Take this finger, bitch,

and do this line of cocaine.

Hey, Dora, how about you take a walk?

I will.

I will take a walk.

If you walk with me, it'll take 30 minutes to get out this goddamn building.

Something's gotta hold on me lately.

Wow,

funny stuff, though, brother.

Very funny stuff.

Thank you.

That was fantastic, Martin.

Very funny.

Yeah.

My favorite part of that diss on Donnell was that you called him Darnell.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Okay, yeah.

No, he did.

He said Darnell.

Okay.

See how it's out?

It's funny.

Last episode, I thought I was disappointed.

And I admit it.

I thought I was kind of mad.

The episode just dropped.

I was looking at reviews.

Turns out nobody could understand me anyway.

So I was like, okay, cool.

Okay.

I'm still good.

Can when I say something, Tony?

Yes.

Even I know that's a joke, but what I understand about you, just watching you, the passion that you have for comedy, I know it's not easy to come up here to deal with the things that you deal with life and still want to put a smile on people's faces and have a good time so whatever we can crack jokes whatever but I respect that I see it in your face and I see I can just tell how hard you go so

good job fuck yeah

hell yeah I thought that it was really funny and I would have chosen instead of a raccoon a ferret okay

and then I think it I think you know as a closer you can uh just think of it I'm just a suggestion you could pull the ferret out of your ass at the very end, you know.

As a closer, you don't want to do that early because then you can't follow it.

Yeah, yeah,

yeah.

And then you also have a ferret with shit all over it, which is another problem.

These are just ideas.

You don't have to use any of them.

I won't take it personally.

You just, it's up to you.

I've just put it out there.

You know what I'm saying?

You're still dressed like a male Giccolo.

I normally charge $10, but I'm willing to negotiate.

That's a huge bitch!

You had sex with the cripple lady in the movie,

the one leg lady.

Yeah,

it's like, you know,

you were an early outline, I guess.

Even though you didn't like that she had one leg, but it was the movie.

I originally wrote it, I wasn't sure if she had one leg or a penis.

I wasn't sure at the time that was really way ahead, if you think about it.

Now, I have both legs and a penis.

Martin, you are absolutely on fire.

What a fucking way to start tonight's episode.

Ungoddam believable.

Make some goddamn noise one more time for Martin Phillips

and we are off and running holy shit into the bucket we go.

Oh shit

The lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen

See this how it starts Tony that's how it starts.

That's that walk-off juice right there

Red Bull gives you wings that gives Donnell legs

Your first bucket pull tonight.

You guys know how this works.

If you don't, anything can happen.

It could be a crazy person.

It could be the next great talent of the show.

It could literally be the next best comedian on planet Earth.

Or it could be someone that's put no preparation into this whatsoever.

Could be someone super stable.

Could be someone completely insane.

Anything can happen.

There's no show like it.

Your first bucket pull of the night, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, is Brandon La Caruba.

Brandon La Caruba.

What's going on, everybody?

I got cut off by a Waymo the other day,

and I didn't know what slur to say at it, you know?

It was confusing, it was empty.

But then it occurred to me that the whole time I've known about Waymos, they've always had slur energy.

I'm like, who is fucking a Waymo?

Then I was like, what type of people is a Waymo?

And it kind of made sense.

It's very fat people.

Because they weigh Mo than you.

I lost about 60 pounds doing the keto diet, which you guys are in Austin.

You know what the keto diet is.

It's high fat, low carb, two Adderall a day.

And you lose a lot of weight.

I'm just saying.

It's like having to bake an egg in speed in the morning.

You know what I mean?

Worst part about being formerly very fat is the stretch marks don't go away despite this one demographic that's constantly like trying to weigh in you know formerly pregnant ladies

we like to call them moms

no they're always like Brandon cocoa butter makes the stretch marks go away and I've eaten so much cocoa butter and they are still there I'm done thank you Brandon La Caruba am I saying that correctly perfect is that Italian Italiano are you 100% Italian?

75.

75.

What's the other 25?

Ukrainian.

Whoa, look at that.

Oh, yeah, we got a Ukraine in the air.

I don't understand why that 75% Italian just doesn't completely take over that simple 25% Ukrainian.

You know what I mean?

Such an easy pushover.

Get that wrong.

He did a minute on Waymo jokes, and half these motherfuckers only know what Waymo is.

I was expecting you to have Waymo jokes in that, but

Brandon, how long you been doing stand-up?

Six years and change.

Six years and change.

Where at?

Where are you from?

Long Island,

you know, for five years.

Moved out here about a year ago.

Nice.

Got on last October and just been having a good time.

I love it.

What do you do for a living?

I am a professional game show host.

Wow.

Yeah.

What kind of game show you?

Shout out Game On ATX, my employer.

They do

survey style games and wheel word puzzle style games.

The last time I was on, I said what we're directly based on and I almost got in trouble.

So

it's cool.

It's a dream job.

X-rated family feud questions are they're really fun.

Nice.

That sounds like fun.

So that happens at like bars and stuff.

No, it's a brick and mortar, a lot of like company

like team building exercises and then a lot of bachelorette parties and people at night and just hanging out.

It's a fun thing.

What's the craziest thing that's ever happened at one of these taping tutors?

I was producing for a game, and uh, someone threw a mostly full beer can at the person that was hosting, and then that baller was like, No, we're gonna keep going, we're not kicking them out, we're not ruining this person's birthday.

That was, but that was that was pretty ridiculous.

A lot of people make their name tags because you got to have like a fake pretend game show name.

A lot of people make their name like a slur, okay, what a racial slur?

Oh, no, the other

type.

I'm just checking it, yeah, the regular ones, yeah.

N-word doesn't mean neighbor.

Okay, no, we've recently had to start screening people for the N-word specifically.

Sorry about that.

Did I laugh too hard?

Are you really?

Rob.

Did I laugh too hard at that?

First of all, you're very professional.

You could tell that you have very good, your voice, that you're very confident up there.

Now, you don't have to end with this.

It's just a suggestion, but you could.

You could have a ferret come out of your ass.

I'm just putting it out there.

Now, these are just professional suggestions,

but I want to thank you.

I want to thank you.

And I do think they're for not showing your stretch marks because I do think there was a curiosity, at least from this side of the room.

No diddy, no diddy, no diddy.

But I mean,

I'm just saying, these are just suggestions.

This is my first time on the show, so I don't know how far I'm supposed to go with these.

I love it.

I love it.

Rob Schneider, by the way, is on tour.

I don't want to give away what his closer might be, but

tickets are at robschneider.com.

Pretty sure you can watch a pull of ferret out of his ass.

I'm like 85% sure right now.

Well, that show ends with a bang, dude.

So, Rob is on my soundboard at work.

I'm sure you can imagine what the button is.

That's the you can do it button.

And it's cool to meet you, man.

Adam Sandler's calling.

I don't know.

What's the button?

Oh, no, it's you can do it.

Oh, you can do it.

Okay.

That was cool.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Right on.

Thank you for that.

Hey, thank you.

Very good, man.

All right.

talk.

Brandon, night long.

Wake her us up.

We're going to win tomorrow.

Brandon, what do you do for fun?

Tell us something crazy about your life or something.

You're in the interview part of Kill Tony.

You've had some time to think about it since last October.

Yeah, for sure.

I'm a huge dork.

I love anime.

I love Transformers.

I got a little Autobot.

Whoa.

Okay.

I play Smash Brothers for money.

Wow.

Which is fun.

Yeah, a lot of women.

Smash Brothers.

A lot of women like something in Atlanta.

Yeah.

Yah!

Yes.

Dono, Rod.

Yah!

From three.

Get this fearing out of my ass.

But I had a lot of fun this weekend.

I was working on a friend's show called the Hamburger Club, the comedy game show at the Creek in the Cave.

Okay.

And I had to shout them out.

It's a great format, super fun.

They'll be back in Austin for sure.

Okay, well, well, there you go.

I'm sorry.

It was just the best comedy thing I was a part of in a long time.

It was cool.

You're a pro.

You've got a great technique, great mic technique.

I think you should dress up.

I'm not saying gay bullfighter for you necessarily.

Yeah.

But I think, you know,

that would be a good thing.

You can do a button down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Very good.

You're a real pro, man.

You're going to do great.

Yeah, that's like a free t-shirt that you got from a Green Lawn family restaurant.

Where's that at?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

They don't sell these.

I had to ask for this from my favorite diner before I moved out of New York.

You are the shout-out shout-out king.

Can I tell you that?

Yo, it is.

If they see one extra customer from this, I would be very surprised.

No, it's just wearing something that gives the audience the feeling that you give a fuck, you know, is one of the things.

I mean, that's what I'm saying.

Rob, can I add to that?

And I agree with you 100%, right?

Like, the way you look.

And I was going to wear a suit today, right?

Yeah.

I was like, just because as comedians, we got the flexibility to do whatever we want.

A lot of times people dress down, but I understand what you're saying about the importance of it.

it.

But I didn't want to wear a suit because I didn't want people like this.

He's probably going to walk off and go to court in that same suit.

So that's the only reason.

No doubt about it.

Brandon, did you get a big joke book last time you were on?

A little one?

Well, guess what, Brandon?

Little upgrade for you.

It's a big one.

Brandon La Karuba was your first bucket full of the night.

Hello there.

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere.

It's easy to get started.

You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours.

Talkspace makes getting help convenient.

You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home, and you can even talk it out between sessions by sending text messages to your therapist.

Get therapy and medication all in one place.

Unlike other telehealth companies, psychiatry is available through Talkspace, so you can get the medication you need to supplement your talk therapy if needed.

Talkspace makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable.

Plus, most insured members have a $0 copay, Red Ban.

Wow, that was amazing, Tony.

I love Talkspace.

I think they're providing the best mental health treatment out there.

Therapy has definitely helped me in moments of transformation.

You have been transforming.

That is incredible, Red Band.

And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talkspace.com/slash Tony and enter promo code Space80.

That's S-P-A-C-80 to match with a licensed therapist today.

Go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter the promo code space80.

Oh, hello there.

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks.

You and I make decisions every day, but on prize picks, being right can get you paid.

Don't miss any of the excitement this season on prize picks, where it's good to be right.

The prize picks experience is so fun and simple.

You know, I'm stoked about the football season, which is why I'm picking Josh Allen for more than 270 passing yards.

Now to our quarterback, Rick Binger.

Sick pick, Tony.

I love prize picks.

Prize picks is simple to play.

Just pick more or less on two to six players' stat projections.

If you get your picks right, you could cash in.

Prize picks puts their users first.

So all withdrawals are fast, safe, and secure.

Prize picks offers Venmo, Apple Pay, MasterCard, and more for quick and easy deposits into your account for this football season.

It's the best place to win cash while watching sports.

Join millions of users and sign up today.

Download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

That's Code Tony to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

Prize picks.

It's good to be right.

And here we go.

We're playing with fire.

Pure momentum as we come into bucket pool number two.

We're going to keep it moving right along.

This is a minute uninterrupted for Eric Bell, ladies and gentlemen.

Eric Bell.

Any fans of foreplay in the crowd tonight?

Yeah, I like a little bit of foreplay.

Guys, ever heard of Irish Dirty Talk?

Yeah,

it's when you're both in bed, right?

And she's already asleep, but you're having trouble getting to sleep.

So you tap her gently on the shoulder and say,

Are you awake?

And before she can answer, you're already in.

Hey,

hey,

I also have a version of that for you ladies.

Okay, ladies,

if

you're in bed with your man,

he's falling asleep, but you're awake,

you could just lean over to the side table, open the drawer, grab something out of it, tap him on the shoulder, and say, Are you awake?

And before he answers, you're already inside him.

Okay, Eric Bell, ladies and gentlemen.

gentlemen.

Listen.

Doing a special kind of...

I just want to say

I don't think a ferret wants to go in your asshole.

First of all, that's one.

Two.

I don't know if rape jokes are quite back yet, but it's an interesting

area.

That could be opening soon.

And you're there early.

That's all I'm saying.

Very early.

You have arrived early indeed to that one.

He looks like the poster boy for what is that called?

Cuck hole?

What is that?

Something like that.

Like, oh, you can fuck my wife on her birthday.

He just looks like the poster child for that guy.

That is some creepy material you have there, Eric Bell.

How long you been doing stand-up?

Two years.

Where at?

Central Texas, Texas, Bell County.

Okay.

Yeah, you never heard of it.

Okay.

And what do you do for work up there?

I am a medical courier.

What exactly does that mean?

Well,

I drop off.

Well, I pick up medical specimens such as

do it for Diddy.

Ben, boys.

I think I have an image of what you do for a living now.

Oh, Jesus.

A courier, huh?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Okay.

How long you been doing that for?

Four months.

Am I in the ribograph?

I was just going off what you were doing.

That wasn't mine.

That was his.

Four months for anything.

Four months of transporting bodily fluids.

What were you doing before that?

What were you doing five months ago?

Auto parts.

Auto parts.

Wow.

It's all over the place.

Oh, my God.

What made you want to get into the medical courier business?

They just paid four bucks more an hour.

Okay.

Wow.

Were you a good mechanic?

I'm like a Z-plus mechanic.

What does that mean?

I kind of middle, like I could change oils, rotors, brake pads, you know, just middling shit.

Okay.

How did you learn how to do all that?

You have a dad growing up?

Yeah.

Yep.

And grandfather had a lot of antique cars and shit.

Okay.

Are you ever transporting a kidney sometimes and you go, you know what?

I'm just going to stop and have a beer first before I do it.

I did have a co-worker that had to transport a human leg.

Whoa, what was that for?

Where were they taking the leg?

She didn't tell me.

She quit.

Wow.

But she had one leg she couldn't just walk off.

I think you got an area here for jokes that you could use, my friend, with your own life right there instead of with the wife putting something up the man's ass.

Yeah.

Rape jokes, thumbs down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think

the audience responded appropriately to that material.

Exactly.

No means no.

Not really.

really.

You got some nose like this, Tony.

No.

I'm going right through that no.

I don't know.

I still don't understand.

Where were they taking this leg?

No, first of all, it's no.

Is it no papi, no, papi?

That's the difference.

Papi, no, poppy.

That's a yes for me.

That's a yes.

That's a clear yes.

And maybe even a little choking in there.

Shout out to Shannon Sharp.

Where were they taking this leg?

I can't get it off my mind.

Is there a leg transplant or something?

Yes, I assume it was.

A leg transplant?

I assume it was.

Is that a fucking thing?

I've never heard of this.

I mean, like I said, she quit, so I didn't get to hear the whole story.

No, that was a movie that they were bringing it over.

One of my movies, Deuce Pigelo.

We had the leg over there.

This is incredible.

A leg.

Yeah.

Like from the knee down, do you know how big the leg was?

We didn't get into a lot of specifics.

Was there a thigh involved?

Leg, thigh.

I don't want to make Donnell hungry over here about this.

Leg, thigh,

black community.

That's called diabetes.

Leg, thigh.

Was there any waffles including with that?

Waffles

and the thighs.

jokes.

No, your rape jokes are completely insane.

Our jokes are 100%

fan-approved.

Your shit is frightening, dude.

I'll retire it.

It's unbelievable.

Eric, tell us something crazy about your life before I get you out of here.

Okay.

I'm a songwriter.

What kind of songs do you write?

Medical songs.

Rate me.

Rape me,

my friend.

Mostly songs she she said.

She said no, she said no, she said no.

She said no, she said no, I said yes.

She said no, she said no, she said no.

She said no, she said no, I said yes.

She said no, she said no, she said no.

She said no, I said bitch, yeah.

Man, what kind of songs do you write?

I don't, mostly songs about my ex.

Okay.

Do you have a song about your ex that you'd like to do right now?

Actually,

we're going to go for broke here.

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't write my own music, though.

None of that hacks.

So what are you saying?

What does that mean?

Well,

I take already existing music and just kind of sing my own lyrics.

Just sing, nigga.

Yes, sing.

Just do it.

Sorry to band.

Don't play with them.

Let them die off.

Come in, neighbor.

Sing, neighbor.

That's how you do it.

There we go.

Do you guys remember the music?

Just sing.

Just sing the fucking song.

Even these questions.

My God.

All right, Tegan, this one's for you.

To the tune of Lone Ranger.

Sing, bitch.

Suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a big, bad dick, suck a dick, suck a dick, suck a big, bad, dick.

All right, I'm going to stop you right there.

You don't write shit.

That's not songwriting.

Oh, boo.

Here's a little joke book, Eric.

Congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket.

You were the second bucket pull of the night, Eric Bell.

I want to do something fun right now.

Donnell had an amazing opener with him all weekend, and we got to hang out.

We had some drinks together, and all of us were listening to music, having a good old time.

I want to give this guy a little bit of stage time.

Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Adrian Washington, ladies and gentlemen.

Anybody got nieces and nephews?

You don't know their real name?

Like, I come from a big family.

I got, like, 40 nieces and nephews that i know about right one of my sisters called me one day says adrian i'm running late can you swing by the school pick the kids up for me i said yeah sis don't worry i got you i was excited because i they didn't know i was coming so i wanted to surprise them i got to the school and the principal was like hey who you here to get i said uh

that is a very good question sir I said,

I got to step outside and make a phone call.

Because I was like, there's no way I can tell this man I'm here to pick up Fat Daddy and Bug.

I tell this motherfucker I'm picking up fat daddy and boog, they gonna call CPS on my mother's fucking ass.

I walked outside, I called my sister, I said, hey, who are these niggas that I'm looking for?

Another time I was coming off the road and my wife called me.

She said, hey, what you want me to take out for dinner?

I said, them titties, just like that.

Didn't think twice.

I heard my daughter say, oh, dad.

True story.

My wife said, yeah, you on speakerphone.

I said, why you ain't say that when I answer the fucking phone?

You know I I ain't speaking phone material, right?

But as a parent, you got to try to fix it.

So I was like, hey, put my baby on the phone.

My daughter got on the phone on awkward and shit.

She's like, yeah, dad.

All I have was this, y'all.

I was like, hey, listen up.

I said, one day, somebody's going to say that shit to you.

I said, we just hope you don't fucking live with us when it happens.

Thank y'all very much.

Fuck yeah, Adrian Washington.

Fantastic.

He's a pro

out of the great state of Minnesota, correct?

Adrian, Minnesota, right?

Yes, yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome.

Yeah.

Kill Tony Universe.

It's great that

Donnell travels all around the world with his own stuntman.

I knew I shouldn't have wear these fucking glasses.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Okay, I got ashes all over my hand.

I'll do it.

I'll walk the fuck off.

I'll do it.

Hey,

I grabbed Donnell by the elbow.

Now it looks like my hand is burned.

You are the ashiest human.

Can we get some lotion?

Hi, do you you have any lotion?

Tony, here's the good part.

My preference is

Rob Schneider.

Here's the good part.

If Donnell walks off, I'll just take that seat.

Your audience won't know the difference.

Let's check in with Rob, our chief ferret correspondent.

Now, you're from Minnesota?

I'm originally from Mississippi, but Minnesota's been home for a very long time.

Minnesota.

Yeah.

It's changed so much with the immigration.

I mean,

Minneapolis has so many Haitians now, it doesn't even resemble Somalia anymore.

Rob done his homework.

Yeah,

they are.

You hang out with any of the Haitians at all?

Nah, I like niggas, I understand.

Papa say

they scare us too, white people.

They're not eating pets, the Haitians, but they are considering it.

So what's going on in life up there, Adrian Washington?

I'm uh, I'm we empty nesters now, man.

Like, so we just fuck wherever we want to.

So, I love that part.

Like, yeah, everybody's like, is it weird not having your kids home?

Fuck no, I don't fuck with my kids like that.

Wow.

Kids think we need them.

My daughter said something smart to me one day, and I said, I'll fuck you up.

And she was like, ooh, you're going to go to jail too.

I was like, guess we've been to jail before, bitch.

That's what they need to know.

I was just admiring Dean Madness doing his Donnell Rawlings impression there first.

I don't know if you guys saw that.

He'll be chilling outside of the fire department in no time.

This is called bullying L, Tony.

This is abusive, and enough is a fucking enough, okay?

Adrian, I love it.

So all your kids are fully grown.

Yeah, my youngest has turned 18, man, just got his license.

He's graduated on the Dean's list.

I got a son that'll be fucking 30 next week.

Wow.

So they're all out of the house.

All out of the house, bro.

My daughter lives a little too close, so she thinks she can just swing by anytime.

I'm like, like get that key up

like

i gotta call you before i come to your house but you can just swing over anytime

my wife's super dope i've just made 11 years married you know what i'm saying so yeah

i got a dog who changed my life five years ago so like i love him way more than i love the kids it's dope yep that happens that happens what do you do for fun adrian

Comedy, man.

Like, just live.

Like, honestly, like, I'm getting up there, man.

And I've been doing this for a long time.

So this is super dope because where I live, there wasn't comedy.

So I started comedy where I live at.

You know what I mean?

I started my own company.

That's actually how I met Donnell.

I booked him to come there.

And I actually met Red Band like eight, nine years ago.

And I ended up hosting for him at a club.

He's the best thing in Minneapolis or Minnesota.

I appreciate that, bro.

Is he more interesting than you?

It was just a question.

I love it.

How do people find more of your work, Adrian?

I'm on Instagram at FunnymanAdrian W.

That's funnymanAdrian W.

There's some other nigga who just want to be funny man Adrian.

You got to put a W on him

Adrian, I love it.

And I got a, this is my company, One Mike Entertainment.

So my website's on here, funnymanadrian.com, man.

Austin, you guys have been fucking dope.

Hell yeah.

Great stuff.

Thank you.

Make some noise for Adrian Washington, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, indeed.

This podcast is sponsored by Tocovas.

Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots.

Find your perfect pair with Tocovas.

When the leaves start changing, that means it's boot season.

Yeah.

Whether you're out of the office, out on a date night, or just meeting up for a casual hang, boots are great because you can dress them up down beyond boots.

Tocovas offers a wide selection of men's and women's apparel, bags, and fine leather goods.

Tocovas Heritage-Made Cowboy boots are crafted in over 200 steps by hand in Leon, Mexico.

From the first stitch to the final lemonwood peg, Tocovas boots are made in over 200 steps by hand.

Red man.

Tony, I love my Tacobas.

They're the most comfortable boots I've ever owned.

They make me feel ready for anything.

Right now, get 10% off at tacovas.com slash killtony.

When you sign up for email and text, that's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S.com slash kill Tony.

Tacovas.com slash Kill Tony.

See side for details.

Tacobas, point your toes west.

What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate?

One who comes when you call?

One who doesn't forget to lock the doors, maybe one who doesn't steal your milk, just a little bit at a time, hoping that you won't notice.

At apartments.com, they understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be your best bet.

They're easygoing, they eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet.

And that's why apartments.com has the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet.

And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment that your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available.

Apartments.com has so many features like 3D virtual tours, the ability to save your favorite apartments, and with over a million places to rent, you are absolutely going to find the right place for you.

Apartments.com knows that moving can be stressful, but by giving you options, filtered searches, and more, they can help take away some of that stress.

When I need a new apartment, I will definitely need a pet-friendly choice.

So, if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place.

Thanks, apartments.com, for sponsoring the podcast.

On to the next one we go back to the bucket.

No, come on.

No.

No, no.

Oh my goodness.

They really didn't know the difference.

It is incredible.

The resemblance is striking.

Stop it.

Y'all really do look alike.

Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Back to the bucket we go.

Make some noise for Jose Ayala, everybody.

Jose

yo what up kilton how you guys doing

hell yeah hell yeah I'm pretty happy even though yeah even though I don't look too happy you know I'm pretty fucking happy yeah

yeah I've been dating a lot lately you know I've been dating a lot of Latinas you know you guys fuck with Latinas

Fuck yeah.

Yeah,

I date Latinas only not because I'm a traditional Mexican.

I just like the way their mustache tickles my mustache when we kiss

That shit's dope as fuck you feel me, you know

just me.

Oh, yeah, you feel me fuck yeah.

No, no, yeah, fuck it.

No, yeah, it reminds me of home.

It really does you feel me?

Yeah, I fucking miss my dad, you know

Yeah, my dad fucking hates me telling that joke.

He tells me all the time.

He tells me, hey, Jose, he stopped telling that joke, but he tells me in Spanish, so it sounds more passionate, so he goes, Jose, you know?

And I go, Of course, you can, of course, I can stop telling that joke, but uh, you gotta stop biting my lip when we kiss me, motherfucker.

Yeah, he's leaving marks.

The fuck, you know, all right.

My name is Jose Ayala.

Here it's been wonderful,

Jose Ayala.

Welcome.

Have you been on this show before, Jose?

No, never been on.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

You are sweating bullets right now.

Look at you.

First time.

Amazing.

He must think it's about to be an ice raid up here.

Home Depot's been vacant for the last six months.

Come on.

Amazing stuff, Jose.

How long have you been on stand-up?

Three years.

Three years.

What do you do for work?

I'm a bartender, actually.

Okay.

That's believable.

Believable.

Huh?

Yeah.

Here on 6th Street?

Yeah,

I'm at Cheers Shop Bar down the street.

Oh, wow.

That's awesome.

Yeah, they said I get $100 if I call them out, you know?

Wow, look at that.

Amazing.

I'm sorry, I fucking need the money.

It's okay.

Serious question, Jose.

Are you sweating because you're nervous tonight performing in this number one show on YouTube or are you smuggling drugs in your ass?

Both.

Follow-up question.

Are the drugs stuffed inside of a ferret?

He got up there somehow.

You're damn right, buddy.

You're damn right.

I think I just can say, Tony, that incest jokes apparently are back.

That means we're right around the corner from

Eric Bell being the best comedian in the world.

We are just coming around the corner.

Cheers shot bar, by the way, has some one-star reviews like you could never believe.

This is a little segment on this show that we call Tony Reed's Yelp Reviews.

Fuck.

You know, Cheers is one of those bars.

Let me just tell you, 6th Street is massive.

Austin famously has more bars per capita than any city anywhere in the world.

And Cheers is one of those places that I've seen the sign 2 billion times and I've never gone in there.

I have no idea what goes on in there.

And probably for good reason.

I have a lot of friends in this city that were here before me and they've never recommended it to me.

I'm going to read some one-star reviews.

Let it begin.

This is David S.

visiting from California says in all capital letters, fraud.

Make sure to check your credit card statement.

18% gratuity was included in the bill, and they had the courage to write in an additional tip when I crossed it off.

Do not go to this bar.

That sounds like me.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Whoops.

I mean, I mean, allegedly, allegedly sounds like me, all right?

It could be anybody.

Yes.

Okay.

Diego Z from the University of Texas says, absolutely abysmal experience bartender got us in by offering free shots of buchanans in which i took him up on his offer the fuck is bucanons i've never even heard of that like bad whiskey or something no it's uh tequila but it's yeah it's top shelf tequila called buchanans

tequila named after a white guy it's bucanas oh okay when you say it like that it's totally different I'm just reading the writing here.

It really needs your accent.

They need those little Latino accent marks over this.

Buchanans.

Free shots of Buchanan's.

Free shots of Buchanan's.

You see the difference?

Anyway, I took him up on his offer.

Later in that same evening, I went to the bathroom and he followed me in and accused me of offering cocaine to other patrons.

I was threatened and escorted out.

I was the only Hispanic male in the establishment and felt racially targeted.

If you see a 6'4, 225-pound male,

bartender with a beard,

don't go in if you're Hispanic.

You would think that an Austin establishment would be more progressive in their offerings to non-natives, but sadly, this is not the case.

Save your money and go to a much better establishment, such as Eisenhower's or Peckerheads.

What the fuck?

These are all bars I've never heard of.

And I have a drinking problem, so that's very interesting.

Much better crowds with bartenders that aren't on a personal vendetta at a power trip.

Wow.

Okay.

Let's see what we got here.

Maybe one more.

Oh, wow, this is great.

Okay,

I really need this job, Tony.

Oh, my God.

I got to tell you, this one, we're going back.

We're going to March 2020 here.

Let's go back in time.

Joanne L from Pittsburgh PA says, walked by, bouncer sees we're Asian and yells, Come on in, no coronavirus here,

then proceeds to offer us kamikaze shots.

Wow.

How long have you worked at this establishment?

Only nine months.

Only nine months.

Absolutely influenced.

I hope to continue to.

Oh, it's over, bro.

This is it.

Oh,

my God.

It's so hard to say goodbye.

A below says in all capital letters, racist staff.

This is the worst place that I've come to on 6th Street.

The bartender denied services to me and my friend for no reason.

We are two educated, well-groomed Latinos.

Why does everybody have to say their race when complaining?

It's like everything has to be racially charged.

We asked if there was a bar at the rooftop, and the bartender said no, the rooftop is closed and will be open at 8:30.

Meanwhile, there were a lot of customers upstairs having drinks.

When I went inside and asked him why he lied to us, he didn't have a word to say, and his face looked really dumb and stupid.

I still like to think this is you.

All right.

Let me read one more here.

Let's see if we got one more.

Wait, what was that?

What was that?

The kamikaze does sound kind of racist, but there's another drink at that establishment called Misoho Ami.

It's awesome.

Hold on, go back.

Two parts gin, one part soda.

All right.

One last one.

Let's see if there's any newer ones.

Where's the newest one at?

Okay.

Four girls got their phones stolen last night out of their purses and pockets.

Wow.

Alright.

Okay.

$10 for a fucking smear knock ice.

Okay, that's enough.

What do you think the worst part of Cheers Bar is?

You're the one getting side cash out of them.

Oh, shit.

Alright, the atmosphere kind of sucks.

Okay, perfect.

No, it's...

I'm not going to lie, it's kind of dumpy in there.

I'm not going to, yeah, it's,

it's, it's, I work there and I'm going to have to see it every day, dude.

Come on.

You know, he's going to be collecting medical specimens after this shit, right?

Ski.

Well, Matt, I'm honest.

I'm answering honestly, you know?

What can I do?

The honesty is going to get you fired, but it's.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I know.

It hasn't helped me in my life at all.

It's a great place, guys.

All right.

You do drugs, Jose.

The sweat.

I've never really seen anybody sweat.

I'm just naturally sweaty.

Okay.

You're always like this.

Yeah.

Wow.

Do you have your green card?

Yes, I do.

Actually, I was born here, actually.

Oh, shit.

Hell yeah.

All right.

Okay.

I'm just going to have a vegan.

No, no, I'm not going to say that.

No, go ahead.

I just say you just look like you still can be rated, but

I guess it's okay if black people do it.

Yeah, it's not never racist.

they can't be racist they're black

so none of that can be interpreted as racist because they're incapable of being racist as you know

because they're black

or as my Asian mother would say black

you know Rob I own a black ferret too I just want to

We'll be right black after these messages.

Jose Ayala, you're leaving here with a medium-sized medium-sized jokebook, ladies and gentlemen.

Jose

Ayala.

We're having fun here tonight.

There goes Jose.

Absolutely soaking wet.

Oh, look, it's the lovely Heidi.

Look what she has.

That's real lotion, everybody.

Real lotion with these elbows.

I mean,

I mean, Rob Schneider is doing some of his famous lines from movies, and Donnell is doing real life Ashy Larry

oh my goodness what an amazing moment in the history of the show look at that one Heidi is

I mean it is absolutely oh we got can we get a little

can we get a can we get a little on Rob's nipple there yeah

This is the number one show in comedy right now.

And this is what it takes.

This is what it takes.

A powerful white woman

unashing

Donell

Rob Schneider's nipple getting a little residual residue.

You gotta love it.

Anything can happen.

This is Kill Tony.

Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, as we get a minute uninterrupted.

This looks like a new name.

Make some noise for David Wombel Jr.

Here we go.

I'm a single dad.

My daughter is 14 years old, just finished ninth grade.

The entire year, I was afraid of one thing.

I was afraid that the upperclassmen are going to try to fuck my daughter.

One day she came home, she said, Dad, this guy came up to me and he asked me if he could hit it.

And I thought to myself in ninth grade, pretty good line.

But I have my dad hat on.

So I said, how did it make you feel?

She said, very uncomfortable.

She said, can you tell me some things to get these guys up off me?

I said, absolutely.

I said, tell them your daddy is going to rip their dick off.

Now children never say what you tell them to say.

A couple of months go by.

She comes back.

She goes, Dad, I got something to tell you.

Dad, the dude came up and asked if he hit it again.

But this time, I did what you said.

I looked him right in his face and I said, My daddy is going to bite your dick off.

I said, Wait,

whoever said bite?

And I'll be at the school every now and then, and I fuck with the kids.

I'll be like,

bite them.

Thank y'all very much.

David Womble Jr.

What's up, Tony?

Welcome.

Thank you.

Rob Schneider, what do you think about it?

Underage sex jokes are back.

I think that's a confirmation.

We have our finger on the pulse tonight of what's happening in comedy.

Incest jokes back.

Underage sex back.

Rape?

Not quite yet.

That's what's great about this show.

You can really see what's happening in the world.

David Womble Jr., you've been on before, correct?

Absolutely.

And this went much better, if I remember correctly.

Am I correct?

You're good.

You're correct.

Yeah, I'm good.

Yeah,

I'm correct.

Okay.

David Womble Jr., tell us how long you've been on stand-up?

Seven years.

Seven

years.

Okay.

Where at?

Started in Colorado Springs, then in Tampa, and then now here.

Okay, how long have you lived here?

A year and seven months.

How do you make a living?

I'm an IT technician.

Wow.

Look at that.

You don't really see that with your people very often.

No, Donnell, no.

Oh, my favorite thing right now is Donnell's fresh elbows are leaving a little pile of moisture crease here on the face.

Popeye back.

How you gonna let him say that shit to you, dawg?

What, the bad?

What?

Never.

What did you say?

I said, how you gonna let him say that about us, dawg?

It's a joke.

You just told a joke about eating another man's dick.

I don't even know.

I don't know where they do that.

I'm still street, nigga.

I still got a homophobia in me.

And he even did the impression.

I bit his dick like, ah, ah.

And then you're like, yo, how you going to tell them to talk about that?

You just chewed a dick off on the killed Tony.

It's true.

It's true.

It is true.

You know other people will see this.

Right?

And they're going to want their dicks chewed off, too.

David, what do you do for fun?

Tell us more about your life.

I play racquetball.

You play racquetball.

Wow, you people really don't do that often either.

This guy,

if I told you, if I told you his dating profile, just I work in IT and I like playing racquetball, that is the last face you would guess would be behind that avatar.

But it makes sense.

You like chewing dicks and playing racquetball.

They go together, son.

You guys usually make a lot of racket, but playing racquetball, but that's a whole different thing.

What do you say after this game?

We We choose some dicks.

What do you guys feel about that?

Ferrets, ferrets, ferrets.

Yeah, yeah.

I love it.

Racquetball.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

My goodness.

Wow.

What else?

Tell us more about you, you whitest black guy ever.

Racquetball IT.

I lived in Japan for four years.

You lived in a van for four years.

Japan.

Oh, that's.

Wow, again.

I mean,

not a van

just throwing it up there.

Maybe not a dancer either

Wow.

You know

my buddy Ace Henderson, who we did comedy with,

not much of a dancer.

Similar situation.

He chewed dicks?

No.

I have no idea who that motherfucker is, but all right.

So you can dance.

Let me ask you this, David.

This is a little segment that we've done before.

Do not make a black man dance.

Thank you.

No, no, no.

Don't do it.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it.

Don't suggest.

I'm not going to do it.

I'm not going to do it unless he wants to.

What if he does?

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm going to just ask you.

No, don't give him a dance.

Don't give him a dance.

Just a little shake it up.

Uh-oh, here we go.

Hey!

Shoot that dick, shoot that dick, shoot that dick, shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoot that dick shoe that dick shoot that dick

shoot

David Womble

Junior

no biting of any dicks happen

No ferris will harm to that dick

David Womble Jr.

So you're a junior.

Are you close with your father?

Yeah.

Not another white trade.

That was not cool.

You know what I'm saying?

We're having fun here.

For sure.

We're having fun here.

Yeah, my dad was in the military.

That's why we were in Japan.

Okay.

I was in the military.

Did you know that?

Yeah.

I did not.

Yeah, I was in the Air Force for four years.

That's the sum.

Thank you for your service.

I used to thank you.

I used to be a military police.

I used to curse out the, I had a Korean police friend of mine, right?

And we would teach each other different languages and shit, out language.

And we would get mad at each other.

We would curse each other out, right?

I would curse him out in broken Korean, and he would curse me out in broken English.

And I would light this motherfucker up.

I'd be like,

I don't know what I said, but I said that shit.

And he would curse me out in all the black shit he knew.

He'd be like, shut the Newport nigga mouth.

Wait.

wait

you're a lemon pepper chicken wing fuck a nigga

you're a steak well done every day

you're a nigga baby father

oh my goodness that's what we did tony this was

the brothers love japan and korea they do

when i was there i was for the with performing for the the troops and but i did say very hardworking people asians and as i'm half asian i can say we're very hardworking koreans

a little lazy, to be honest with you.

No, no, you go to the Korean barbecue, you know, Korean barbecue?

You know, you go in the

Korean barbecue, walk to Korean barbecue.

Here you go.

The special, the top soul, and very good mabbling, very good mobbling.

And I said, okay, get the top solo.

And then two minutes later, they come back, and it's like, dude, this is fucking raw meat.

What is this?

Oh, yes, you cook it.

You cook it.

You cook it.

You cook it.

Hey, I'm going out to dinner.

I'm spending $100 with my wife.

You cook it.

You cook it.

You cook it.

You know, so late i'd hate to go to a korean whorehouse come on in oh ra ra ra this is the room you suck your own dick you suck it you suck it you suck it

then you come over here

i gotta say this me being in korea do you know how to say how much for the pussy in korean

this is how you say it you say poji oh my yo

That's how much for the pussy, but you can't be like, bitch, poj oh my oh you gotta be like poji oh myo

and how i'm hungry

that's like i'm hungry and i'm gonna eat now if you want to listen

that means i'll eat the pussy that's what it means my don't shout out to all the koreans

don't my story was a joke not actually in a whorehouse you were in a whorehouse in korea i was 18 years old i was making a joke about a whorehouse and they thought it was funny.

They didn't want to actually hear an experience of a man in a whorehouse.

Fucking whores like you did.

Twin fuck whores.

I participated.

Okay, never mind.

He's definitely fucking whores.

He's 16 years old.

It was a cross-cultural experience.

I get it.

My kids are horrible.

And there was money and fluids exchanged.

My kids are half Asian.

Their grandma's going to hate this shit.

Your kids are half Asian?

Yeah.

Wow.

So your baby mama is Korean?

She's Thai.

Wow.

Okay.

Yeah.

Poor boy.

They'll get that when they play it back.

Exactly.

No, I get it.

I know.

Did Asian grandmother ever eat the dick?

She got to America, so obviously she ate somebody's dick.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

I don't know if you guys know this, but when Donnell was in Korea, he was part of a cooking show called Walk Off.

I like that.

W-O-K.

Do you remember?

You can walk of the walk.

Me so horny.

David Womble Jr., fun times, my friend.

And it's amazing to watch your growth.

I remember for a fact that's a better set than before.

David Womble Jr., getting better, ladies and gentlemen.

That's what it's all about.

I am so excited for this spa day.

Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

And then my chronic hives come back.

Again, in the middle of my spa day, what a wet blanket.

Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

If you have chronic spontaneous urticaria or CSU, there is a different treatment option.

Hives during my next spa day?

Not if I can help it.

Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

All right, this is gonna be a fun one.

This young lady is uh what we call Kill Tony famous.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of the one and only Juanita.

Everybody, Juanita is back.

Any Catholics in the house?

New Pope, yeah.

No, I didn't grow up religious.

So it was very strange when in 2006, I dropped out of high school.

And to hide it from my mom, I joined a touring Catholic ministry.

They made me pray to themes, one of which was queen.

I'll show you guys.

You're going to have to help me a little bit, okay?

Jesus was a cool dude, 40 days without food, giving his life for the golden rule.

He died in our place, amazing grace, spreading his love all over the place, singing.

We will, we will praise you.

Amen.

I did that for nine months.

That's the gayest thing I've ever done.

And I do anal.

Believe it or not.

Juanita.

Welcome back to the show.

Can I do a remix of that song for any blackout watching her right now?

Yeah.

We will, we will,

fuck you.

That's probably true.

Until you find out she has a dick, Donnell.

That is a dream.

That's how how it happens, ladies and gentlemen.

They can't tell.

No, Donnell, come back.

The brothers,

the brothers can't tell.

The brothers can't tell.

They will, they will.

They never, the last.

I was trying to be nice, so you set me up.

Donnell, the last place the brothers look, apparently, is the Adams Apple.

Whereas white guys, no.

That's the first place the white guys are.

You ruined me.

It is.

I'm going to say, Charlemagne's going to find that clip of you and we will, we will.

Fuck you.

You are fucked, Donnell.

I'm getting word from the streets.

I knew it was something different, son.

I'm sure this happened.

I don't want to get banned like Dave Chappelle, nigga.

Donnell, I'm sure this happened before in Korea.

I'm sure in Korea as an 18-year-old boy, this is a memory coming back to you.

It's usually how black guys react.

It's pretty.

Juanita, have you been with a black man before?

No.

Okay, are you just saying that so that he doesn't find you and kill you?

No, it was raised right.

I'm just kidding.

I mean, what's the joke?

The Joe!

No, I have been, I've been with one, he was half.

Okay, he was half.

Half a black.

Okay.

My career is over, nigga.

It's over.

And I knew it, nigga.

Now it.

Donnelly.

I knew that back was too big, son.

I knew.

Drop Schneider.

It's not just that your career is over.

This is also an opportunity to educate other black men tonight.

You have to look at it that way.

Shit.

Never too much.

Black guys out there, you know what to do.

It's between the chest and the chin.

It's called an Adam's apple.

If they have one, they have something else.

That is true.

This is a special moment for you people.

So take that for what it's worth.

It's worth a lot.

That's so nice.

It is.

It is.

The more you know.

Juanita, Juanita, Juanita.

An interesting set tonight.

Let's just talk about it.

Tony, it's really over for me.

It's okay.

I know.

I know, Donnell, but it's all right.

You can pick yourself up, you know?

You know, who knows?

It's 2025.

Maybe the streets will forgive you.

Maybe they'll go, wow, you know, Donnell,

you know, took a chance out there.

He's a progressive, progressive person.

I mean,

I'm sure when Chappelle sees this, he's just like...

Shut the fuck up!

Johnnell, you might like how it feels.

Johnnell.

Shut the fuck up!

Stop touching me!

Donnell, I want you to emotionally pull the balls aside.

Can you do that for me?

I think you can, Donnell.

You can actually spread them out on one on each side if you want.

Fuck it out!

Donnell, we're here for you.

Yeah,

it's okay.

This is going to be.

Can I get a tissue?

Oh my goodness.

You tricked Donnell and that is gonna be.

She didn't trick me.

She did trick me.

I mean he to see whatever nigga.

You're fucked.

We will, we will fuck you.

Yeah.

We will,

we will.

Fuck you.

Oh yeah.

They're gonna be some mad in the band.

We will fuck you.

Oh my god.

I see that on your next tour, Donnell.

Someone's got

entrance music.

Someone's coming out of that on his next special.

How exciting.

Oh, now that your glasses are on, maybe you can see more clearly.

Yeah, it's exciting.

Ashy Larry meet Ashy Harry.

It's very exciting.

So Juanita, how has life been going?

Let's talk.

Great.

Great.

What's been going on with you?

I

have a show in Tyler, Texas.

I've been getting booked a lot more since the show.

So that's fun.

I moved in with like a really awesome comic.

He's awesome.

Just life's been good.

I love it.

Last time.

I didn't say I would do it.

I said they would do it.

You said we will.

We.

Is that what I said?

That would be that you would do it.

There you go.

There's Red Band trying to save you right now.

So, oh, the last time you were on the show, Juanita, with the great Jimmy Carr was here, and we found out about Whiskey Hole.

Yes.

That guy's going through a divorce now.

Oh, the guy that you had Whiskey Hole with?

Yeah, I didn't realize I said his full name.

Oh, shit.

Oops.

Wow.

My God.

Does that make it easier for someone to find them if you say their whole name?

Yeah, if you're a Turkish-Australian, you know,

specific.

Oh, my God.

We're learning a lot of things this evening.

Yes, we are.

Wow.

So his wife found out about that from someone sending her a clip or something?

Yeah, but he told me he was single when I met him because I asked him.

I was like, do you have a girlfriend?

Do you have a wife?

He said, no.

So I accidentally had sex with him.

Oh,

my God.

And now it's a crazy question.

Was he black or white?

No, he was Turkish.

So he was like brown, kind of.

It was in the area.

Shut the fuck up.

It was black adjacent.

Yeah.

It's true.

His dick was.

Wow.

It's over for me, Tony.

It really is.

Oh, it's going to be.

I thought this was the comeback, Tony.

And I'm right where I started when I walked up the first time.

Oh, you're a legend now.

I'll just open for you if you want.

Would you say Juanita?

I can open for you if you want.

Oh, yeah, that's what he wants.

Just fix everything.

Open her ass.

I'll pass it.

Oh, yeah.

She'll open for you, Donnelly.

Shut it out!

So progressive.

Can you...

Donnell only likes openers that look exactly like him.

Can you?

Juanita.

Anything else crazy going on in life that we should know about?

Oh,

I have an impression prepared for you.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right.

So this is...

It's Charlie Plainmew from There Will Be Blood explaining birthday pizzas or Grimaldi's.

So we get our birthday pizza like every year.

Well, the thing is that we used to give out the birthday emails for free, but now you have to download an application.

Yeah, but we get it like every year.

You get no birthday pizza.

Wow.

Was that a good question?

You know what's interesting?

Now I can see the Adams apple now, right?

All it took was for her to do a spot on Daniel Day-Lewis for Donnell to realize.

Hell yeah.

There will be blood.

Or when they fuck you, Juanita, it's called There Will Be Mud.

You know, I prepared, fellas.

Juanita,

fun times.

You've been on the show numerous times.

It's,

you know, wasn't your best set, but always a legendary interview with you.

We love your sense of humor.

Proof that some trans people can roll with the punches.

That's another appearance by the great Juanita, everybody.

It's a stereotype, some people say.

Oh yeah.

We do have a golden ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen.

This guy's only been on the show one other time when he famously came on with children's books for adults and changed his life forever.

This is the second ever appearance from Charlie Mack, everybody.

Make some noise from Charlie Mack.

Um, first off, I want to thank the Kill Tony universe.

Y'all really did change my life, you know?

Thank you.

Yes, now I'm able to buy a lot of lavish shit.

Like, I just bought a new $1,500 shelf.

I put all my clothes on it and everything.

Some of y'all know it as a treadmill.

I've never touched it.

I I don't know what the fuck it does.

Last time I touched it was to balance myself to put my shoes on.

It's crazy.

Now my ex let me have sex with her again.

Yes, yes.

I like it because she likes the role play.

You know, I be hitting it from the back.

You know,

I throw on her wig.

She throws on my CPAP.

Y'all ain't never had CPAP sex

it's like fucking Darth Vader

I'm like who's in it she go

yours

I'm like damn Luke I guess I am your father

Charlie Mac done it again

Rob Schneider congrats you're gonna make it you are you're gonna make it And for the rest of your life as a comedian, I mean, the next six years are going to be great for you.

No doubt about it.

Charlie, fantastic.

You said you did role play.

What was the scenario?

I threw on her wig and she threw on my CPAP.

That's not creative.

It's not.

If you're going to do role play, I do role play.

If you're going to do role play, think outside the box.

When I play role play, I play plantation.

Ooh.

Damn.

Ooh, Juanita, get back up here.

Is it okay if we laugh at this?

Are we okay?

We're all okay.

We're okay.

No, we're good.

We're good.

Okay, good.

This was not the best decision.

Charlie Mack, the last time you were on the show,

you told us about your adult adult children's books.

And

I guess it blew up, right?

Oh, hell yeah.

They start calling me the hood Dr.

Seuss.

I love it.

Yeah.

Now I have to make up new names, you know?

So I'm thinking of a couple I was thinking of the crackhead from Crumble Street.

Pookie and the stimulus check, you know, a bunch of shit like that.

Yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

The hood Dr.

Seuss.

That is the only kind of doctor you could be, by the way.

Charlie Mack, tell us about how your life changed from that, though.

Like, what's going on?

Oh, white women look at me now.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

But no, I really, I got a world tour.

I'm going all through Europe, Tokyo, everywhere.

Thank you.

International House of Pancakes.

My goodness gracious.

Look at you.

Unbelievable, Charlie Mac.

Any plans for when you're over in Tokyo and places?

Anything you're really looking forward to?

Any places you could recommend to

Asia?

Yeah, exactly.

There's this one little place.

Just remember, Pochi Omayo.

I don't know.

I'm just looking for the other black people because I don't go nowhere if there's not other black people there.

Okay, well, have fun in Tokyo.

How the fuck do you get on this show then?

Man,

it's like 12 black people in this whole audience, and I'm four of them.

Charlie, Mac, you are fantastic.

Where do you live again?

I live here in Austin, about seven minutes away.

Oh, sweet.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

And what do you do for fun?

When you're not writing books or performing stand-up, do you have any

side?

The best thing that I really do if I'm not doing anything is I'm on daddy duty, you know?

I respect that.

Yes, me and my three-year-old, we be kicking at Robin.

She sells crack.

We do a lot of fun shit.

Get the money, son.

Yeah, we got to start a family empire.

Can we laugh at that one?

Is that our episode?

Selling crack.

I think Rob Greek.

Black.

Selling crack.

Daddy Duty is also what would have been on Donnell's dick if he he fucked Juanita.

I got something to do.

Don't laugh.

Do not laugh.

I got daddy duty.

I got daddy duty.

Stay black.

Don't laugh.

We all we got, bruh.

Rob is going to breed ferrets after this show.

Oh my God, Charlie.

You fantastic set.

You've done it again.

Thank you.

A rock solid comedian.

We're excited to have you and have you back on again soon.

Charlie Mack, ladies and gentlemen.

We're going to keep it moving here.

We're keeping it moving.

Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Takes a while for Charlie to get off stage.

There he goes.

Holy shit.

That's a big boy.

Make some noise.

That's a huge bait.

Yes.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

It is Michael Hines, everyone.

Michael Hines is next on Bill Tones.

Wow, this is exciting.

You know, believe it or not, this is the second most exciting thing to happen to me today, though.

I saw a UFO on the way over here, an unidentified flying object.

Really, it was a non-binary person jumping off the bridge over there.

But they didn't identify as anything.

Went from she her to

she her to see her late.

She they them to she her her later, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

You know, more of an unidentified falling object.

But for a second there, for a second.

Ozzy Osborne's finally in hell.

Do you think it's everything he dreamed it would be?

I'm sure it's not that bad, though, with all the scientists there.

They got to have it air conditioned by now.

You know, it's probably a party.

I voted for Trump guys and I regretted it week one.

Week Week one, he took away my food stamps.

What the fuck?

He said I got to work 40 hours a week to get them.

If I worked 40 hours a week, I wouldn't need fucking food stamps.

Michael Hines.

Fantastic set.

Edgy, funny, current.

I loved it.

That's great.

You've been on this show once before, right?

Twice, Tony.

Twice.

Fantastic.

Please tell me Juanita was the one that jumped off the bridge.

I wish.

I wish, Donnell.

That's the only thing we say.

Donnell, you did my favorite episode.

I just need a suicide.

What was that, Michael?

Donnell was on my favorite episode so to kill Tony of all time.

Which one was that?

You don't know?

I love you, Donnell.

You're my favorite.

Look what you've done.

I know.

I know.

Rob Schneider.

I've learned that laughing at the suicides of nine non-binary people are back.

Yes.

That's what I've learned.

No doubt about it.

So much coming.

You got to hang out in Austin more often.

You'd really love it here, Rob.

By the way,

President Trump wasn't taking away your food stamps.

He was just making sure that you weren't buying like sodas and fucking Reese's pieces with it.

Clearly.

Yeah, guilty as charged.

No doubt about it.

Michael, remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up?

About two and a half years, Tony.

All of it here in Austin?

Yes, sir.

Fantastic stuff.

What do you do for work?

I'm a realtor's assistant.

Okay.

Open houses and stuff.

Don't tell her.

Wow.

Can I say that?

I don't think they like you, Tony.

What?

I don't think they like you.

So if they know I'm here, I might be done for.

Realtors don't like me?

Those two.

Well,

they can go fucking go fuck themselves.

Yeah.

Who gives a fuck?

I'm sure there's so much fun to work for.

You wouldn't believe it, Tony.

I would.

I know what people that don't like me, I know what their mental health is like.

Rob Schneider, you don't care about us.

Can I say something about you?

Okay, yes, you can.

No, I don't.

I watch the show, but I don't watch the show.

But everybody else come up here.

They're like super nervous and like sweating.

You seem so composed.

And I want to say this, you just feel like a natural, man.

Like, in a short period of time, you hit enough jokes.

And even in your interview, you was likable.

You was personable.

And you did it in a short period of time man i think you said i'm just saying yeah i see i see a i really see a future for you man thank you

um a realtor's assistant that's just my question because

in my you know experience even a half retarded person could be a real estate person so

you cannot say that rob a half

A realtor assistant could be a full retard, I'm thinking.

Well, she pays me 30 bucks an hour, so if I do two 10-hour days on open houses, I have the rest of the week for comedy.

Yeah, there you go.

You're going to do great.

You're very funny.

Very funny.

Fantastic stuff.

Did you get a big joke book last time?

I did not.

You got a small joke book?

Yes, sir.

I got news for you, buddy.

You're getting an upgrade.

There he goes.

A fantastic minute and a great return for Michael Hines, everybody.

We are flying through it now.

We are cooking.

I gotta say, I gotta say,

normally I don't do this during an episode, but I gotta tell you guys this is one of my favorite episodes of the year so far.

I'm gonna hamper Donnell and Rob Schneider.

I had a feeling that this chemistry would be crazy and wild.

Okay, the irony of that is one of your favorite episodes, and it's not a good feeling for me right now, son.

Well,

Donnell got canceled tonight.

I talked about fucking the trans, whatever you call it this shit.

It's over for me.

No.

Austin has been really weird to me.

No,

if I can appear to be racist right now and interrupt you,

no, this is this is a really, it's really been fun.

I enjoy this, and what a great what about this audience here?

Yep, we're having fucking fun,

we're playing with fire, and we're gonna keep it moving, ladies and gentlemen.

Your next bucket pull, one minute uninterrupted, going to James Kerrigan, everybody.

James Kerrigan.

I

went out with this girl a couple times, and then the other day she sent me a text that started with the phrase, after some reflection.

I didn't read the rest of the text.

I didn't read.

Because nothing good ever happens when a woman texts you after some reflection.

It's never after some reflection.

I think we should try anal.

That has never happened in the history of women or anal.

It's always after some reflection, I realize we're two different trees going in two different directions, and you're poor.

Now, if a man sends you a text that starts with the phrase after some reflection, I'm just it's it's a picture of his penis,

followed up by we should try anal.

Big dick,

Big dick pic crowd in here.

No?

I've never been big on dick.

I'm drunk, sorry.

I've never been big on dick pics myself.

All right, that came out wrong.

All right.

Thank you guys so much.

My name is James.

James Kerrigan.

Hey.

A fantastic set.

Is this your first time on the show?

Yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

It'll be 11 years in September.

Wow, I love it.

You perform like a guy that's been doing it 11 years.

That's great stuff, James.

Great stuff.

Even though you were tripping on words, you got a lot of big laughs.

Yeah, I was just drinking over there and playing chess with this homeless girl, and it was cool.

I didn't think I was going to get pooled, and they were like, you need to go now.

I was like, all right, cool.

Amazing stuff.

Rob?

I will say your timing, though,

was fantastic, but you also had a chance.

Instead of saying you've been doing it 11 years, if you would have said 11 months, everybody would have fucking went nuts.

Well, that would be lying, Mr.

Schneider.

Well, talking to Rob Schneider right now, fuck, goddamn, this is crazy, right?

Ryan, this is fucking insane.

Very,

very funny, and you started out really strong.

That's a really funny new job.

I'm telling you, you had the audience, and you never lost them until you couldn't figure out how to end it.

Yeah, well, I know how to end it.

I'm just and then all the goodwill is gone forever.

Oh, right.

No, no, no.

No, you did great.

And it was really funny, and you really made me laugh hard.

Really good job.

Congrats.

Great stuff.

Great stuff.

I don't know what to say, other than you was funny as shit.

And then I really believe you look at dick pics because once you brought that up, you was like,

Juanita, come back.

James, what do you do for work?

I actually sell air conditioning.

They're playing the other one where the air conditioner was broken.

You work for them?

I don't work for AirCo.

I work for ARS.

We do air conditioning.

IRS?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I got nervous.

Air RS.

What?

Air RS?

ARS.

American Residential Services.

Wow.

Ars.

Yeah.

Yeah.

ARS.

Odd name for a company.

Arsehole.

Yes.

Sure, I guess.

You put in the ACs, you do everything.

You're looking for comfort?

Check out our arse.

We'll cool you down.

Ars will.

I actually bother people at Home Depot.

That's what I do.

I go up and talk to people at Home Depot.

That's my job.

Okay.

How much do you do?

How are you right now?

What exactly did you drink before this, the biggest opportunity of your 11-year career?

Tell us what you've been sipping on, Tony.

I find this all so intriguing.

Nothing like watching 11 years of hard work and all of a sudden, and here you are, you're doing great and you're handling it well.

But I can tell you are fucked up.

Like,

if this was, if this was not kill Tony, if this was a random show where it's like a special show where you pull out drunk people and it's a DUI checkpoint, you'd be fucked fucked right now.

You would be so fucked.

I mean, it's incredible.

So, tell us, just honestly, truthfully, what exactly did you drink today?

It was just vodka soda.

Okay.

But I had the pictures.

I had the pictures.

So I had a picture.

Yeah.

Okay.

They sell them next door.

You should go check it out.

I don't know.

Yeah, no, we have alcohol here.

Well, I'm just saying it's a good deal.

Okay.

All right.

No more reviews, Tony.

So you had two pitchers?

I had two pitchers and a beer, yes.

Two pitchers of vodka, soda, and a beer.

That's an interesting choice.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's an interesting choice.

After two pitchers of vodka, you go like, hmm, I'm not, it's not hitting me.

Where don't they está mi cerveza, motherfucker?

This hasn't worked.

That's when you get your money back for those fucking pictures.

Juanita!

That is...

Save us, Juanita!

Rob brings up an unbelievably great point.

You had the beer after the two pitchers of vodka?

God damn.

I didn't think I was going to get pulled, so I don't think that's what I'm doing.

That's what everybody says.

That's what everybody says, especially when you're that blacked out.

My goodness gracious.

And wow, do you normally drink this much?

No, but I don't normally come here, so you know, that's it.

Okay.

You don't really...

How many times do you think you've signed up before?

I think this is my fourth time.

Okay.

That's pretty fucking good.

Yeah.

Appreciate it.

Should we do a special segment called DUI Checkpoint right now for the first time ever?

What do they have people do?

What's one of the things?

Like, you have to stand up on like one foot, like, right?

And what do you do?

Is there any police officers here by any chance?

Can we get a police officer officer up here?

Yeah!

For the first time in the show's history,

I would like to make some noise for a real APD police officer.

This is Oscar, everybody.

Yes.

Yes.

Oscar.

This is what I love about Austin.

Rob, when I was in L.A.,

You couldn't find a fucking police officer.

If they're lighting a grocery store on fire, you couldn't find a fucking police officer.

Here, I'm like, hey, let's try a little.

Oh, fuck, there's one right there.

This is unbelievable.

Oscar Donnell, what is it?

What's up?

Are you scared because there's a police officer that's close to

when I when I was in the military, when I was in the Air Force, that was my job.

I was a police officer.

Oh, wow.

You never mentioned that you were in the military.

I was the worst police officer.

I made zero arrests in four years.

Wow.

Yeah, that's a true story.

I was a military police officer.

Wow.

You used to choke yourself?

Shut the fuck up.

Oh.

Red band.

Red band.

Red band, you can't.

You dirty motherfucker.

Red band, you can't ask things like that.

No, that was funny, though.

Did you used to choke yourself?

No, let's check in with Rob Schneider.

I'll keep myself one time.

Let's check in with Rob Schneider here.

I still can't get over the beer after the two pitchers.

I mean, what's the next thing next?

But was there a gun?

Not tonight.

Where did you get that drink from?

Some guy.

Give that back.

Take the fucking drink back.

You guys are crazy.

All right, Oscar, if you don't mind doing us a favor, this is the first time in the history of the show we've done anything like this before.

Thank you for playing along.

How about one more time for Oscar?

Step on up.

Step on up to that microphone real quick that he has.

Give him the mic there, James.

Give Oscar the mic.

Would you mind would you mind get just giving a quick little dui test to james kerrigan and talk right into the tip of that mic just take us through pretend like we're not here and this you just pulled this guy over and you got him out of his car let's see what happens here

james james where are you coming from oh shit oh

shit

oh shit no do not sit the fuck down these assholes all right i need another another microphone.

Do we have one under the table?

We have one under the where the where under the table exactly.

What's that?

Very far right.

Is there one more under there?

There it is.

There's one more?

Yeah, we got one more hidden there.

Oh, this is so fucked.

This is podcast history, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

James, he asked you a fucking question.

I've actually come up from a comedy club.

How much have you had to drink tonight?

Two drinks.

Two drinks, I mean.

Yeah.

Honest.

Just not specific.

The specificity of the officer's question opened up some vagaries.

And James took advantage of it.

Advantage, James.

Continue.

How big were those two drinks?

That was like a shot each.

Again, slightly vague.

Shots could be fucking huge, apparently.

Where are you headed to?

I'm just going home.

That's all I'm doing.

Oh, yeah.

Such a suspicious answer.

That's all I'm doing.

Not doing anything else.

Just driving home James you seem way too familiar with this experience this happened four months ago you got a DUI four months ago no you got out of it

oh you ain't getting out of this one motherfucker

Oscar let's do it fucking hit him with it what do you think

oh if I get arrested by the way let's just let's just take note can I just say When Oscar talks into the microphone, I've been doing this show for 12 and a half years.

I've never seen anyone so commanding and clear.

It's like a specific type of police fucking.

Where are you coming from?

I just have to say, this may seem racist-y,

but

you're drinking tonight.

We should still arrest Donnell.

We should.

Let's do the black-white version of it.

What would it be?

What would it be?

All right.

Yo!

Get the fuck out of that car.

Black Lives Matter, nigga, I ain't do shit.

This went from DUI to DEI real quick.

Rob Schneider's moving to Austin.

I can tell.

We're having fun tonight.

We're getting him.

We got another one.

Oh, yeah.

We're doing it.

Oscar, how are you cool with this, right?

Are we good?

Okay, Oscar.

Oh, I love it.

Fucking fan.

Tap at a hand for Rob over here, the man.

We love him.

We have the best squad here at the mothership.

Can you give him a little test for me?

Can we see a little something?

What would you have him do if you wanted him to fail real quick?

Stand with your feet together,

hands down by your side.

Look at my finger.

I'm going to move my finger from left to right.

Keep your head still.

You understand?

Oh, shit.

What do you think, Oscar?

What's the verdict?

Oh, yeah, praise God.

Oh,

my God.

Oscar.

You don't act like cops, do you?

Oscar, you're leaving here with a big joke book.

Make some noise for Oscar.

The APD, the greatest police department on planet Earth.

James, you had a fucking fantastic set.

You rolled with the punches every step of the way.

You are truly an 11-year comedy veteran, and you have the jokes for it.

You have the stage presence for it.

Here's a big joke book.

Sign up.

We want to see more of you.

Come back, James Kerrigan.

Wow

Wow the first ever DUI checkpoint in kill Tony history

We got a new segment.

We got a new segment.

Oh

my god.

I didn't even know that was possible

I mean what other show in the world has a serious ass Police officer just waiting in the fucking helms.

I mean unbelievable that was the best.

You know, it's great.

He's going to have to like keep his car parked outside and not drive home tonight.

Yeah.

Oh, he's fucked.

But Tony, he was giving him the test.

Looking at me.

Awful.

It is.

It's going to be James Kerrigan, Donnell in the back of the police car, and Juanita.

That's going to be a long drive to the station.

Stop it.

Donnell's going to get a shut the fuck fuck up.

Don't do that, son.

Don't do that, son.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Don't do that, son.

Black Lives Matter.

Don't do it.

What an episode.

We're gonna keep it moving here.

We're getting there.

We're coming around the corner.

Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen.

This lady, very funny.

She's been on this show before.

I'm excited to see a new minute from Sherry Vise,

everybody.

The return of Sherry Vesegji.

Thank you, thank you.

I am originally from Iran,

yeah, where women traditionally don't have dicks.

No!

Just mustaches.

Yeah,

you know what the safe word is for Middle Eastern women?

Yeah

Hashtag

hashtag not all lives matter

Keeping it real

I have a friend who's so obsessed about the size of her boyfriend's dick.

She's so happy.

I mean do women who care about size do they have like a measuring tape in their you know nightstand every time a a new guy comes along?

They're like, oh, let's measure that.

You know who I know for sure has a measuring tape?

No, no, not me, not me.

Kim Kardashian.

What do you think she uses?

A DeWalt, a Stanley, or the circumference of her mouth?

Sherry Besedji has done it again.

Rob Schneider.

Sherry,

I just want to say I look forward to your first tour in Iran when you get beaten to death.

It's going to be special.

Absolutely.

Normally, when a comedian is.

Very funny.

Very funny.

That first joke out there fucking killed me.

Just really, really funny.

It's just putting more of those jokes together and boom.

That's really, really funny.

very special thank you it is true what Rob says if you ever do a show in Iran you're going to be the first not the first comedian to get stoned after a show but in that type of way no doubt about it right I have a question can I

of course you can yeah you're a guest of how long have you been doing comedy

about two years this round I used to do comedy years ago can I say this like in this business where it's all about ageism and and I'm not trying to be disrespectful anything for you to be doing comedy for two years right, and have the energy like all these people that are probably younger than you, what that tells me is that you had a time in your life, you did something, and comedy was your passion.

Am I correct?

Yes.

And you said to yourself, you know what?

Fuck it.

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do it again.

Your energy, the jokes is funny.

And then in this situation where it's so competitive, it's all about, you're not relatable, you're old school, whatever.

And I'm not trying to call you old, but I'm just saying that your energy, everything, your jokes, and I can look in your eyes and tell that it's something you want to do.

And you say, fuck it, I'm going to do it.

So, with that said, I really appreciate what you did.

And I just want to say, I think that was a black man hitting on you.

Yeah.

It's not the first time.

Let's walk off.

Fuck it.

We out of here.

Hey.

Let's go.

I ran.

I ran, meet, I walked.

No, I want to just add to that.

Like, I've seen, like, these comments that come up.

I'm not knocking nobody.

I've seen the desperation, the nervousness, but you feel so fucking calm.

Like, this is what the fuck I was supposed to have been doing.

And that resonates with me.

He's trying to fuck you.

I mean, you remember that roleplay, Plantation?

Do you know how hard you get fucked if somebody fuck you for their freedom?

I'm going to let that marinate.

I'm going to let that marinate.

And you can use the N-word.

I'm going to let that marinate.

It might be time for another relotioning of these elbows.

Something's got a hole on me lately.

Sherry, how's life been?

Tell us more about your

real life.

You know, ever since I've been on Kill Tony, you know, I get hit on on Instagram, you know.

But the quality has gone up and the age has come down.

I love it.

Yeah.

Have you taken advantage of any of these situations?

I have not, but you know, all these young guys trying to show me their best minute.

You are so funny.

I love you.

You are, you are fucking adorable.

You really are.

You really are.

What are some goals for you, Sherry?

You are hilarious.

How much time do you think you have altogether?

A lot.

Not in life.

Right.

Not in life.

I'll give it about 80 months.

The clock is ticking.

I need to hurry up with this career.

But as far as the set goes, like, what's the longest you could do?

I think I can do 20 minutes.

Okay.

But I have more material.

I just need an opportunity to do my material.

Absolutely.

Well, if you come down to the plantation, I can take care of that.

You're going to get it.

You're going to get that.

Great job tonight.

It really is.

They all said it, and I've said it every time you've ever been on.

You're so charismatic.

You're delivering and executing your material.

So goddamn likable.

Thank you.

It's unbelievable.

Sherry, you've done it again.

Red Band.

Sherry, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show.

Thank you.

She just got booked on a real show this Thursday from the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

Sherry Besseggi.

How about one more time for Sherry, everybody?

Okay.

All right.

We have

another return of a legendary performer here.

This man famously is part of one of the most viral clips in Kill Tony history when he

said that he was molested multiple times as a kid and Dr.

Phil famously said because he wasn't paying attention I said Dr.

Phil and Dr.

Phil said who is your favorite

he does a podcast with Tony Hawk

you know him

from the Hawk and the Wolf.

This is a minute from Jason Ellis everybody the return of Jason

What's up motherfuckers

so yeah, I'm a

I Know what you're thinking.

I don't look that gay.

Well

Pitching me naked with a guy's penis in my mouth

Does it every time but I'm not gay anymore.

I retired from that shit.

Fuck that shit.

It's hideous.

But because I've done gay shit, people think that I'm weaker.

Like, that guy's a pretty big guy over there.

Just so you know, dude, I can fucking suck your dick and there wouldn't be shit you could do about it.

So how am I weak?

Some other people might be like, I don't like your gay talk, Jason.

Maybe you're going to jump me in the parking lot.

I am a professional fighter.

I will kick you in the head, knock you out, and suck your dick.

I'm not finished.

I'll film it and then I'll put it on the internet And then you'll be gay, but not gay, just like me.

And you wake up and be like, I'm not gay, bro.

And I'm like, pretty sure this video says otherwise.

Thank you.

Wow.

Jason Ellis with the best minute he's done on this show.

What a special episode this is.

Somehow I'm scared to death and turned on at the same time.

I feel both soft and hard right now.

Absolutely incredible performance, Jason Ellis.

Jason did my podcast.

Remember that?

He did my podcast.

And I'm looking at him.

I didn't know that he was a f, right?

No, that's what you said.

No, no, no.

That's what you said.

But I'm telling you, this is a scary moment.

Like, you know, I mean, whatever.

But

don't let me say this, son.

Apparently, the word fit is back, people.

He said it.

And I didn't mean it like that.

I didn't mean it like that.

I didn't know it.

It didn't mean anything.

Hey, man, I paid my dues to say that.

Yo, it's so good.

But just the shit is like, this is a black man.

This is what made me nervous.

You was like, just I'll fuck you up and suck your dick.

Okay, that's horrible.

But

I could do it.

But it could have been the other side.

I'll beat your ass and fuck you.

I was like, oh, you can't do that.

Oh, my God.

You like that shit.

You might be gay than me, dude.

As someone.

What I'm saying is,

the black guys interrupted.

What I'm I'm saying is, that's true.

Here it goes.

It is not racist.

They can't be racist, so we all know.

They can jump in whenever they fucking want and demand whatever they want, apparently.

What I'm trying to say

is that when I met you, you was a guest of my podcast.

You was dope as shit.

I forgot what we talked about.

And I didn't really give a fuck about sexuality thing.

I didn't know it, but you was cool.

Thank you for doing my podcast.

What the fuck?

That's what you interrupted, Rob to say.

Thank you for doing my podcast.

You know what?

We're going to bring Juanita back up here right now.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

No one even remembers that.

You're being mean to me, Tony.

Okay,

just the other day you told me how much you love me.

Let's check.

I do.

I do.

No, the other day he was like, Just, I remember when we first met, our connection.

Yeah.

You said all this, and now you're just leaving out, leaving me out here for people to, you don't give a fuck about me.

No, Donnell, we love you.

I can tell you have that look in your eye.

I've seen this before.

I got 10 minutes worth of show before I go to the bathroom, nigga.

You know, I will say, I can't get it out of my head, but I would like to see you, Jason, beat the shit out of Donnell while he's fucking Juanita.

That is true.

That would be the world's greatest three sex.

As someone who enjoys nonviolent sex

Where the ending is not a punch in the face, but

come in the face.

It's different.

I just want to say I learned something tonight from you, and I won't sleep well.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I think.

Jason, you are a scary guy.

How's it been going in normal life?

Tell us what it is.

Really good.

Yeah.

Yeah, better than ever.

I love it.

Tell us about it.

I got a girlfriend.

She's got a vagina.

She was born with one.

Wow.

Look at that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm confused.

He was gay.

Now he's no longer gay.

I was never gay.

I was just a sex addict.

Oh, okay.

I used to fuck everybody.

Okay.

And like when you fuck a lot of ladies.

The other one looking at me, fucking sketchboards.

But when you try to fuck a lot of ladies in one day, it's a lot of talking, you know?

I know that.

So

dudes just suck it and leave.

It's pretty convenient.

The only bad thing about it is it is pretty gay.

Yeah.

It's in this moment that I realize I'm on the wrong fucking show.

This is the moment?

I think it might be time for the audience may need a shower at this moment.

Jason, what's the gayest thing you ever did?

That's fucked up.

I'm trying to move past that, like the dicks of Christmas Past.

But I guess,

like,

I love that.

I love that the horn players have a song for this.

The gayest thing that you've ever done.

What's the gayest thing that you've ever done?

It's the gayest thing jason's ever done and everyone wants to know gayest thing i know how it is so fucking gay we wanna know i rollerbladed once

yo that's so fucked up i used to rollerblade in brooklyn you're fucking gayer than me dude you're fucking gayer than me

that's insane

You can't tell a black man sit back down, sir.

You can say take your seat, but you can't can't say that well if i tell you to take the seat you're gonna leave wouldn't take the actual seat

i think

i think one question that the audience is thinking is what is the tattoo that's on your dick that is a good question that's the last spot i got one more gap and that's it

i probably i haven't decided what i'm getting on there but everything i just want one tattoo and there's a few gaps and one of them is my dick Oh, so there's no tattoo on the dick.

That's interesting, right?

It's also pretty gay that you guys give a shit about that.

Yeah.

Hey.

I didn't see you.

Believe it or not.

Believe it or not.

They asked a question.

Believe it or not.

This isn't even the gayest part of the show.

Donnell took the gay cake earlier.

We will,

we will fuck you.

Oh, you're never going to flip it down, buddy.

Oh,

my God.

They're going to come up to you at the airport singing that one, baby.

Man, I can't believe you didn't see that she was not originally she.

Yeah, even Jason Ellis is like, yeah, Donnell, you're gay as fuck.

We will fuck you.

Oh, my God.

You sang it with such fucking passion.

No, I didn't.

You did.

No, but black guys think anything white or white adjacent is hot.

That's the fact.

That's what was proved tonight.

Oh, God.

Something's got a hole on me lately.

Guys,

Jason.

How many times did I tell you I'm no good at?

All right, go ahead.

All right.

All right, Jason, that was by far the best minute you've ever done on the show.

So funny, so great.

Such a great set.

Again, it's my favorite part of the show is literally watching people get better in front of our eyes.

One more time.

Anything else you want to plug?

You got the hawk and the wolf?

That's close.

It's shut down.

Oh, yeah.

Tony's not as good at skateboarding as he used to be, so he has to get a job.

I just like saying that in case he sees it.

You're fucking old and you suck, Tony.

But

Tony Hawkeye's sucker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, rum guy.

But I'm a comedian on the road, so thejasonellis.com is where all my tour dates live.

Perfect.

Make some noise.

One more time for Jason Ellis.

He is gay.

The gayest thing.

We want to know what's the gayest thing.

Hey, all right.

He taught me how to fight on my podcast.

My podcast is Donair Rawlinshow.com.

It has something, he taught me how to fight.

Not fight, but he gave me suggestions on how to handle people.

And I really appreciate the fact that, you know, my podcast, it's okay, it's struggling, whatever.

But he pulled up and showed me love.

Well, it's great that you know how to fight this way.

You'll be able to get Juanita off or on top of you later.

How much time before the show's over?

We're going to do.

Let's see.

No, don't touch me, Rob.

I'm sorry.

I'm just.

You went down with the man, Rob.

No, I'm just, I have to, I have to cancel being on your podcast, I guess.

I'm sorry.

Call me back, though, when the numbers go up, and then I want to go.

But thank you for being honest.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to make it the final bucket pull of the night.

Make some noise for Tom Anderson, everybody.

Tom Anderson.

Oh, yeah, mothership.

So I'm going through a bit of a transformation.

I'm getting fatter slowly, and there's nothing I can really do about it to stop it.

So I'm leaving it to my government.

I'm going to put it in the hands of RFK Jr., our Secretary of Health, to stop me.

And

I don't know what it is about him.

I really trust him.

He's got a lot of battle scars health-wise.

He's got that voice.

And

he had a brain worm, which is, I think that's a disease that kills wizards.

I don't really know

how you get through that.

I'm so curious how that doctor's visit sounded, you know.

He's like, doctor, my fucking head hurts.

And then he's looking at the chart, he's like, oh, well, it appears you've got bugs in your mind.

We need to get those out.

So I can only really think of one solution, Mr.

F.

Kennedy.

We're going to have to blow your head off.

A little too close to home, I know.

Tom Anderson.

Lots of laughs.

I could hear them over Donnell talking in my ear.

Shut the fuck up!

Tony, I didn't come here for this.

They don't know the history, Tony.

Can we break down the history?

Yeah.

Be honest.

During the pandemic,

when you move your shit here,

nobody wanted to come on your podcast

because they were scared to catch COVID.

Am I lying?

Let me tell you, they would come here, they would do Rogue and shit.

They'd be like, fuck it, I'm out of here.

You asked me, Donnell, can you come?

I do.

Shut the fuck up.

I did.

I don't know how to say axe, nigga.

I don't know how to say amalge either.

Shut the fuck up.

Please help him be more interesting for Madison Square Guards.

I'm going to be racist and interrupt the black man.

This is son.

This is what they don't know.

You caught me very desperate.

And you're voice.

You was like,

you said, Donnell, could you come and do my podcast?

I said, you know, I don't fuck with this shit.

I'm too sensitive.

I will crash out.

Did I not say that?

Yes.

And I sat here.

And we didn't have this desk.

You had.

You're right.

We didn't have this band here.

You're right.

We We had a tablecloth, and it was on a wobbly table.

We did have the same exact band.

Okay, sorry.

I would have.

I know all y'all look alike, son.

But listen.

Let Rob jump in for once.

I would have done his show then, but I still wouldn't have done your shows now.

That's awesome.

Just because the number of viewers that you admitted.

That you did.

Imagine the number of viewers once they see them hit on Juanita.

I mean, it's going, it's going to be a little bit more.

You know, Juanita, I had a misunderstanding with Juanita.

You had a mister understanding with Juanita.

You thought it was a misunderstanding.

That was a miser understanding.

Tony,

let's do this.

That's a fucking great joke.

Let's just do this.

And this is the thing.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

A mister understanding is like one of the greatest jokes I've ever done in my life.

It's all moving so quick people didn't even notice.

No, that was funny.

This is what these people don't understand.

It's not time to joke.

It's time to be serious.

We're going to get some.

Don't touch me, Rob.

I'm being serious.

We're going to get some Adams apples.

I was there for you over here, please.

I was there for you.

I was there for you.

Tony, I was there for you.

I showed up.

Look at me, motherfucker.

You said.

I was there for Tony.

And it was in a time where

nobody was there for

my nose.

Let me get this.

And you said, Donnell, would you show up for me?

And I said, as a friend, I would show up for you.

And I did the show.

I was here for two and a half years.

He did the show.

He did the show.

He did the show.

It wasn't popular.

No one wanted to do it.

I'ma tip.

Donnell took the time

to come down,

to come down, to come down

Even though he wasn't gonna benefit in any fucking way

He still came down

and he never he never never never let Tony forget it

I tell you why.

It's raining back.

Who the fuck are you?

How'd you get out there?

Hallelujah.

I'm so sorry I walked on L.

That was really bad of me.

I'm so sorry.

Two hours ago you performed.

How did you feel it went?

I don't remember.

What joke did I do?

I have no idea what I said.

It was a great song.

I think it was interesting basing your whole act on the Health and Human Services Secretary.

That's different than what else we saw tonight.

I will say we have learned a lot from our health secretary that our government has been lying to us.

Now it's all coming out.

Apparently, fruit loops is not good for you.

No fruit in the loops at all, apparently.

Got my hand.

Thank you, Robert Kennedy.

Junior.

What happened to the first one?

I didn't read up on him.

What happened to him?

His daddy.

Yeah.

Well, never mind.

We ran out of big joke books to give away, Tom, but I'll tell you, you had a fantastic set.

What do we have for Tom?

Anything?

That thing?

Yeah, but that's a big bomb.

That's like for people like bomb in a great way.

We don't really have anything to give you.

Why don't you give him a spot on The the secret show real quick?

That'll be great.

I'm going to have you on the secret show Thursday.

Amazing.

Tom Anderson, you got a spot on the secret show.

Thank you.

You saved us.

Red band with a big save.

Thank you, Tom Anderson.

Great stuff.

Sign up again.

And then we'll talk more.

You just have to understand

you're on a crazy climax of one of the greatest episodes in the history of the show.

Also, if you want, you stick around later.

There's a gay guy who'll beat the shit out of you after he comes on you.

If you want, it's just what I'm saying.

It's an option for some of the performers tonight if they didn't know

Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode it has been indeed

and There's only one more performer ladies and gentlemen, but it is not William Montgomery Let it be known William is out on vacation tonight However, there's only one other human that could possibly end an episode like this.

A fucking freak of nature widely considered, without a doubt, one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Soon to be one of the greatest American comedians.

For now, he remains the Estonian assassin.

This is Ari Matty!

So,

when

are we getting these Waymos

to kill the homeless at night?

Robots are supposed to do the jobs we don't want to.

I see them driving around all empty.

They should get together in an HEB parking lot, fucking.

Everybody picks one alley and you just fucking...

Help us out, robots!

Or if you want to be like vegan about it fucking Get a car full of them drop them off in Houston, you know I'm saying

Dude I am dude I moved here a year ago.

I used to be like no, they're all human and snowflakes fuck you

stop bleeding on my fucking pizza

Dude the homeless in Austin every time I see these motherfuckers they're getting stronger and and stronger

They're fucking getting D vitamin during the day

Going through photosynthesis

They're fucking fasting.

They're avoiding social media.

They're cold plunging in Lady Bird Lake

The homeless in Austin are doing everything Joe Rogan talks about.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

Wow.

Absolute fucking rock star.

And you get to watch it in real time, mesmerizing Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen.

What's up, guys?

What's up, Rob Schneider?

So good to see you, my friend.

So great to see you.

And I would tell you, I was fucking dying.

You're hilarious.

Yeah, I noticed from the corner of my eye.

That was awesome.

I don't don't take up a lot of space in people.

Stop bleeding on my fucking pizza.

It's such a beautiful image.

Because you can see what's happening in the pizza parlor.

A crazy fucking person comes in, and then nobody wants to deal with it.

You get your pizza, and he fucking bleeds on your pizza.

Keep Austin weird.

No, you're going to be a gigantic fucking star.

Oh, thank you.

Gigantic.

Yep.

Gigantic.

Thank you.

And you might get fucked by a crazy guy in the back after, too.

I got to say, it's so great to hear Rob get to finish his thoughts completely uninterrupted.

It almost seems like something's missing.

Something that's been...

It seems almost racist, what you just said.

It is interesting.

A black guy didn't finish the job.

Oh, wow.

Enough is enough.

Tony, in front of your fucking audience.

And I always respected you, and I told you, there is not a platform in comedy that gives motherfuckers an opportunity to go from nobody knowing you to superstars.

And I know what that podcast isn't, yours.

just saying I mean that's very racist I know

it meant a lot to me to be here Tony

can I tell you some emotional shit

no one's ever turned their chair around like that

you we were supposed to this is for the family

I want to, I'm seeing a therapist now, right?

Or was it backstage?

No, Teddy Swims is my therapist.

Okay.

And I'm going to tell you this.

This is the realest shit.

I'm going to be honest.

Your therapist.

This is the real shit.

Rod, I need a moment.

Teddy Swims is your therapist, the musician.

Something's gotten a hole on me lately.

I want to say this.

Your Teddy can't swims.

I feel like Obama shifts.

This is what I want to say.

Obama shift dry.

This is abusive right now.

Tony,

you told me.

It's not nice being interrupted.

I'm learning my lesson.

Donnell's not going.

I'm passing.

Can you do this?

Can you do this?

Yeah, this one.

Tony.

Give the man a minute.

Can you give me one minute uninterrupted?

Yes.

Start the clock, Red Bannery.

If you give me five fucking seconds uninterrupted,

how about that is that racist

give me it give the filipino man listen i want to say one minute and uninterrupted

you got it the clock starts right now

okay

okay listen i was there for you you was there for me my podcast you was there for me and the one thing i regret about our relationship is after you dealt with that with the rnc or whatever that convention and you was hot everybody don't say what, nigga, shut the fuck up.

No, you was hot.

I'm going to say this is some real shit.

It's not a joke.

He was on fire.

One thing I regret is because you wanted me to be on the show.

You was like, Donnell, let's go put it into this shit.

Come to the show, right?

And I was excited about coming to the show.

He was excited.

I worked with it, but you was hot.

You was hot with Trump.

You was hot with that shit.

It is true.

Donnell is referencing that 24 hours after the Trump rally, when all of the news would not shut the fuck up about me.

Shut the fuck up.

Donnell was the booked guest.

And with

this, with 10 minutes before the show started, he told me that he can't be on the show, that the block is too hot.

He can't be associated with me right now.

No, I didn't say I couldn't be ashamed.

No, I know, I know, I know.

No, no, no, no, don't boo him.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's not like that.

That's what he meant.

He is.

That's right, D.

That's exactly what I meant.

And I know that, I know.

I was like this.

I like this.

That was super fucking racist.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

I am in love with Rob Schneider.

Let the record show.

I love you, baby.

He is you, baby.

I love you.

And let me say this.

It was the hardest call to make because we talked about it.

And we said, D, you can just come up there and walk off.

It was the hardest shit.

I called my publicist nine times.

I said, What if I do this?

Whatever.

She said, I don't know if that's a good idea.

I was like, but that's my nigga, right?

That's him.

That's why the Filipino man just used the N-word

of the biggest podcast in the fucking world, in the world, in the world.

Yo,

I know we're having fun, but I just want to tell you this.

It's one thing to regret because I was like this.

I put somebody's, what they, I said, it's not it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm going to say this.

That was one minute.

You sang through my minute.

I just want to say this.

All jokes aside, whatever.

He just wants to say it.

Because just wants to say.

He's going to say.

He's about to say.

He's interrupted while he's saying.

But I think he's going to squeeze it in.

Because he's standing up.

He's over his fucking minute.

But he's going to say it.

And here it fucking comes.

I want to have to.

We can do this.

Hold on, hold on.

You go ahead.

We can clown all we want, but I'm telling you.

I forgot.

No, no, no.

We're kidding.

We're kidding.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Getting a taste of your own medicine here.

Go ahead.

It's whatever.

I just want to say this.

You can sing whatever, but I'm saying it's the one thing, because I said, and I told you, I said, yo, I wanted to be there for you and your show I said but right now it feels like it's gonna be political, you know

the block was so hot

you guys don't understand I don't blame anybody for not making that episode

Rob is getting

I'd love for someone can we get a statistician to go through the episode and see how many times Donnell interrupted when Rob had more to say?

And then we will see if Rob actually caught up during this part.

No, no.

Because I think it's going to be neck and neck.

I think you guys are going to break about Netty even here.

I am trying as a black man.

Oh,

well, in that case.

Oh, no, don't do that.

No, don't, don't, no.

I'm trying to have a moment.

You're in Texas.

Don't say as a black man.

You're in Texas.

What I want to say is, I felt bad because, and this is what I respect about you.

I said,

you said to me, you said, Donnell,

I understand.

But that understand, you said, like, yeah, nigga, you got scared, right?

And I was a little nervous about this shit, and I felt bad about it because our relationship is that when you called for me, I pulled up for you.

In my little bullshit pocket.

We can cut this part out.

We're not.

It's editable.

You just take a little bit you cut this out an episode still works and it's funny

this podcast

i want to say this yes i know funny and we could be funny all the time you could do that gag all you want

it's still working

and guess what it's going to continue to work yes because it's funny yeah but the point i want to make whether you know it or not the thing i felt bad about about is because when I called you to do my shit, my little podcast, you showed up for me, bro.

And that thing that I fucking was mad about is that in that situation, you was in me.

No, I'm telling you, I promise you, when it gets bigger, I'll show up too.

You watch.

I don't get it.

You watch.

When I tell you, get big.

Quick.

I don't care about that.

No, I don't either.

I'm talking about.

That's why I'm not going on your show.

I'm sorry.

we're even now we're fucking even Tony you told me when to chill out can you tell this nigga to chill out no doubt about it no doubt about it you're a legend I respect that isn't it crazy that the white guy on the show is named Rob isn't this weird no this is what I want to say

I can man it up I can man up this is what I want to say T this is what I want to say and I mean it y'all can crack a joke or whatever.

What I'm saying is, what I'm telling you is that I respect you as a friend.

Yes.

I felt bad that I couldn't show up then.

And I appreciate...

Stop it, Rob.

Please.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Please, don't do it.

Keep going.

What I'm saying is

I appreciate what you are to comedy.

Nobody has a platform like this when you give people opportunities like this.

And I apologize.

that I didn't stick to my guns and be there for you because you've always been there for me.

Yo, yo, I mean,

after Juanita, people are going to think I'm suspect.

After Juanita.

I'm talking post-Wanita now.

What I want to say is this,

Tony,

I appreciate our friendship.

I appreciate what you mean, the comedy.

I remember a time when you went through that bullshit when they tried to cancel you, and everybody was to fuck with you.

You stayed to your guns and you did this shit and right now you have one the biggest fucking show

on fucking whatever

and thank you the situation

the fact that when i called you i said bruh i'm trying to come back on your show and you said whatever you want to do d

i mean we can joke whatever i love you bro thank you donnell rawlings

you know what That was so good.

I'm giving you a medium-sized joke book.

Donnell Rollins.

There's a red band on that guy, by the way.

Unbelievable.

And let me tell you something.

People are going to say Donnell interrupts, Donnell this, and people make their jokes about Chappelle and this and that, but let me tell you something.

The reason why people make the Chappelle jokes about Donnell is because he was on the greatest comedy show of all time.

And more than that, if you haven't, you absolutely have to see Donnell Rawlings live.

He's always touring.

Donnell Rawlings.com and the Donnell Rawlings show available everywhere where shows are possibly available because he is a true fucking comedian.

Can I say one last thing?

He wants to say one more thing.

Hunri HBA!

Donnell Rawlings!

Talk space, prize fix, and Tagovas.

How loud can this place get for first-time guest and nominee already for 2025 guest of the year, Rob Schneider?

He is on tour at robschneider.com.

It has begun.

Rob Schneider has entered the Kill Tony universe and there's no going back.

Future Austin resident Rob Schneider, the drawing from Ryan J.

Ebelt is in.

Guys,

he blended in like camouflage.

How loud can this place get for one of the greatest comedians in the world, Ari Maddie?

Let's see what Chris Rogers cooked up over there.

Oh, it's Ari Maddie.

Unbelievable.

Rob, is there anything else you'd like to say?

Unbelievable first appearance on the show.

It's an honor to be here, honestly.

And Austin, they said it's the best audiences in the world, and I get it.

You guys are the best.

Thank you.

You are the man, Rob Schneider.

I love it, man.

This is, by the way, the fun fact, this is very

rarely happens, because I've worked with and met almost everybody, but this is the first time I've ever worked with Rob Schneider in any way, and my God.

It's an honor to be here.

Love it, first fucking whatever this is.

Unbelievable.

If you want us, I know you can't do it during the show, but Matt Muelling and I have been on tour singing together, and we can put a song together if you want.

Yeah,

play us out.

Play us out.

Playing us out tonight.

Guest of the year 2025, nominee, Rob Schneider.

Thank you to Talkspace, Prize Picks, and Segovas.

Thank you to this audience, Red Band.

Love you guys.

One, two, one, two.

Sister, maybe, maybe, little sister.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

Forgot the file name, folder name, or where you saved it?

Honestly, same.

Dropbox Dash, new from Dropbox.

Searches across your apps and gets what you meant.

Not just what you typed.

It's organized, even when you're not.

Smart Search,

built for messy humans.

Learn more at dropbox.com slash dash.

At the UPS store, we understand the importance of a first impression.

That's why we're here to help you put your best foot forward and be unstoppable with our printing services.

With high-quality paper stock options,

banners, business cards, menus, and more, we make sure your small business stands out and your message reaches the masses.

After all, we're the one-stop print-that-pop store.

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, prices, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS store, be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today and get your print on.

Love espresso, drip coffee, and cold brew?

With the Ninja Lux Cafe, if you can crave it, you can brew it.

Espresso, balanced.

Drip coffee, rich.

Cold brew, in a flash.

With barista assist technology, you brew with no stress and no guesswork.

And make perfect silky microfoam hands-free from dairy or plant-based milks.

Bring the coffee house home and unlock your favorites with the Ninja Lux Cafe.