#732 - ALI SIDDIQ + KIM CONGDON

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it over.

Tony, it's free.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande,

the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, the leader of the band John Dees on the keys, and the backbone, the one and the only, the notorious D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh my God.

What a show we are going to have tonight.

We're happy to have you all.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Every single week, two of the best comedians in the world I book on this show.

This week, no different.

One of them as the most watched special of 2025, including...

10 specials available on YouTube.

The other one is one of the original regulars of the show.

12 years ago, she was forced under the cruel tutelage, unheard of at the time, of writing and performing a new minute every single week for the internet.

Today, she is one of the best female stand-up comedians in all of the world.

Our guests tonight, Ali Sadiq and Kim Congden, everybody.

Fuck yes.

Oh, shit.

Kim Congdon.

Ali Sadiq.

His new special is on YouTube at Ali Sadiq Comedy.

He's on tour, AliSadiq Comedy, AliSadique.com, KimCongden.com, on tour, Nashville, Tacoma, Charlotte, Fort Wayne, Dallas.

Welcome back, guys.

You've both done this show before.

This episode brought to you by Zipper Cooter, Shopify Prize Picks, and Open Phone.

Just made an extra few tens of thousands of dollars there.

Don't mind me.

Yes.

Business is booming.

Welcome back, guys.

Ali, how are you?

I am wonderful.

I'm doing great.

Making a lot of money.

Damn right.

Can they do that money sign thing?

Yeah, let's do it one more time.

Thank you.

We love that.

Did the lights go a little bit?

Do it again.

Do it again, Red Band.

Wow, amazing.

You guys are.

I love the firework edition there for no reason.

Nobody asked for that.

Nobody asked for that.

Kim, how you feeling?

I'm doing great.

Can you do the money sign, but stop it halfway?

Yes.

She's

coming up the ranks.

Kim Kongman.com for tickets.

Yes.

That's right.

You guys know how it works.

About 300 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket.

They do a minute uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then and else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then I interrupt them and we talk about their lives, about their set, about anything that might be more interesting that they possibly could talk about or anything interesting about their lives whatsoever.

The whole thing's improvised.

Anything can happen.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

While we go wrangle the comedian from the bar next door that I just pulled out of the bucket, we are going to start with a very, very special comedian.

While he's not a regular and he's not a golden ticket winner, he's been on only one time ever before, but I want to see more of him.

I think everybody wants to see more of him.

I kind of think he's an instant legend in my mind.

Make some noise for the long-awaited return.

Kicking off tonight's show with a brand new minute this is Sir Winston Pickles

anybody else relieved when a severe weather warning turns out to be just an amber alert

I've actually lost my cell phone.

I accidentally put it in Malaysian airplane mode.

So

that's gone.

I've been married twice, buried my first wife.

Shallow grave in the woods.

No, that's just a joke, everyone.

Filmed in the patio.

A second marriage, that ended when I found out my wife was a swinger.

I know, I had no clue, no idea.

I left work early one Friday, sneaked home, crept in the house, snuck up the stairs, opened the bedroom door.

There she was.

She'd hanged herself.

She was swinging.

Sir Winston Pickles.

Hell yes.

Hello, sir.

Welcome back, my friend.

I love your style, a dark, dirty, evil clown.

You are so photogenic, videographic.

I'm not exactly sure what the word is, but you play well on this show.

Thank you.

I have my mother's eyes.

Yes.

They're in a mason jar, but I have them.

Wait, what?

They're in a mason jar.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

See what I'm talking about?

He just got me again.

I've been Sir Winston pickled.

Buck yeah.

I love your style, Sir Winston pickles.

Remind us, how long you've been on stand-up now?

Six years of stand-up, 10 years as a clown.

Right.

Six years of stand-up, ten years in whiteface.

Absolutely incredible.

Fun times.

Is this your guys' first time seeing Sir Winston Pickles, Allie?

Yes, and I'm terrified.

I don't fuck with clowns, man.

And I'm sitting there like,

do a magic trick.

He'll run away.

Sir Winston Pickles, you're both British and a clown.

I would imagine black people really are freaked out.

Yeah.

I haven't seen my neighbors.

You have black neighbors?

Yes, apparently.

Oh, okay.

He's British.

He's so white, this is like actually black face for him.

Sir Winston Pickles, what do you do when you're not clowning around or doing stand-up?

I collect things.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, like what?

Well.

People.

What do you collect?

Well, my greatest accomplishment was getting the fingerprints of a school friend.

Fingertip.

Fingertip of...

Yes, a school friend.

A school friend.

Junior school, yes.

He cut his fingertip off in the woodshop and I picked it up, thought the hospital would need it, and I kept it.

This is one of those moments where it's not a bit,

and we're watching this thing that's gonna happen.

True stories were in the documentary right now, you guys.

Did you put it in?

I put it in ice, thought the hospital would need it.

I mean, bear in mind, I was only nine.

Yeah,

you were doing the right thing.

Then nobody asked for it, so I kept it.

Wow,

what

spooky shit is this?

It is, that is freaky.

That part's freaky.

Do you ever fall asleep in the makeup?

Yes, often.

Yes.

Yeah.

Do you ever fall asleep?

I love it, Sir Winston Pickles.

His eyes are so red, too.

Do you see how red they are?

They're so that's all these vaping fuckers.

It affects your eyes.

Yes.

He has a San Antonio Mexican lady's eyebrows.

Boom!

Ali Sadiq.

You're damn right he does.

Holy shit, I was wondering what looked familiar about you.

That's what it is.

Absolutely incredible.

Sir Winston, is there anything interesting about you that we haven't learned in any of the other parts of the two interviews that you've done?

I left England and unbeknownst to anybody, I just took off.

I had a psycho bitch for a first wife, and she came home from work and I'd already gone, moved to America, just like that.

Wow.

Did you ever

call her and tell her?

No, just left.

Wow.

Good for you.

Allie saw a chance, got out of there.

If he didn't have on the makeup, he would be a pinky blinder.

Sir Winston.

That is true.

Well, Sir Winston, you got tonight's show started for us.

Another solid new minute, starting with some dark clown fun.

I loved it.

Thank you so much.

Make some noise.

The show has begun.

Sir Winston Pickles has started it.

And now we go to the bucket.

Yes.

And your next or your first bucket bowl of the night, as you guys know, this is where we meet somebody all together.

Could be the next future star of the show, could be a crazy person.

Anything can happen.

Make some noise.

Your first bucket pull, one minute uninterrupted, going to Jenny Ann.

Everybody, Jenny Ann, starting off the bucket.

Hi, everybody.

My name's Jenny Ann.

And I bought the sexiest car America's ever made.

And no, it's not a Tesla Cybertruck.

It's a Mustang convertible from 1969.

Pro Woo!

Yeah, probably the year some of you were born.

And you're probably wondering, well, why do you have this car?

Well, I wanted to attract men who like beautiful, high-maintenance things over the age of 30.

And now,

and I wanted to impress my ex.

And now I'm selling it because I want to impress my therapist.

And so you're probably wondering, does it drive?

Does it matter?

You're in a 69 Mustang.

Does it turn on?

Does it matter?

You're in a 69 Mustang.

Will it make your dad love you?

Does it matter?

You're crying in a 69 Mustang.

Thank you.

Jenny Ann

with exactly one minute.

and zero punchlines.

Incredible Jenny Ann.

I don't even know where to begin with that.

My God.

Unbelievable.

The good news is you're already the seventh funniest

female stand-up comedian in the world.

I fucked that up.

I fucked that up.

Your bombing is airborne.

I just caught it.

Caught a taste of it.

Jenny, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Six months.

Six months.

Hell yeah.

What made you want to start now?

I need to sell a 69 Mustang.

That seems to be it.

That's a great way to do it.

Yeah.

Incredible.

Ali Sadiq.

She looks like my financial advisor.

That's a compliment.

What do you do for work, Jenny Ann?

Oh, boy.

She's a financial advisor.

Are you really?

You really are?

Yeah, I work in Venture Capital.

Wait, is she really your financial advisor?

Ali said it like it was a joke, but this could really actually be your financial advisor.

These people bring their whole entourages when they go do shows.

I'm telling you.

It's my financial advisor, the caterer, the fucking personal chef, the this, the that.

So how long have you been financial advising for?

I've been working in venture capital for over 10 years.

Do you really have a 69 Mustang?

I do.

You can check it out at the69mustang.com.

Honestly, the whole thing sounds like a porn audition.

She came in, she was like, so you're probably wondering.

That's incredible.

And so, is all of the material that you've written in the past six months about this 69 Mustang?

And when I worked at NASA, yeah.

Okay.

Tell us about working at NASA.

What was that like?

Is the earth as flat as your chest?

This is Kill Tony.

She has hips though.

She does have hips.

Hips have been confirmed.

What was NASA like Jenny?

What'd you do over there?

It's like

SpaceX's daddy.

I know what NASA is.

I'm asking you what you did at NASA.

I worked in the bioengineering department

on a project to grow algae in space.

Oh, catering.

Yes.

Catering for astronauts.

Yes, absolutely.

Okay.

All right, Jenny Ann.

Where do you live?

In Austin.

Okay.

How long have you lived here?

Since 21.

2021.

Okay.

Where were you at before that?

California.

In space.

In space.

Bioengineering in space.

Dude, even in space, they put us in the kitchen.

Yeah.

It's true.

It is true.

And in space no one can hear y'all yap all the time.

You know what I'm saying?

You ran for COIL for you.

All right.

Jenny Ann.

So what made you leave NASA and go into venture capitalism?

I turned an old military vehicle museum into a hacker house and I had like eight founders and I wanted to learn how

finance worked and so I cold emailed and got a job in BC okay what do you what do you do for fun what do you do for fun when you're not when you're not uh

write jokes that bomb right right right but I mean like when you're not doing that what do you you must wait when you want to like let your hair down and take the glasses off or whatever like when you want to she like plugs her clit into like a USB and

calls it a night.

I'm pretty introverted, so I like spend time with my friends.

I go on walks.

You go on walks.

Okay.

That's from the therapist's advice as well.

What do you do when you spend time with your friends?

What do you guys do together?

She tries to go on walks.

What is it?

We go on walks, we get dinner, we get drinks.

What do you do with your friends?

Wow, that's a good question, Jenny Ann.

Uh, a bunch of highly detailed stuff that I would never tell you about because you'd be staring at me through the outside window because you have crazy energies, Jenny Ann.

Do you have a sex swing?

No,

uh, her car is actually pretty awesome.

Wow, what a follow-up.

Follow-up to the sex swing.

Yes, we know what a 69 Mustang is.

Is that the actual website?

That is so weird.

You built a website to sell one 69 Mustang.

Yes.

You only have one for sale.

Yes.

We can make t-shirts.

But have you.

You suck at selling this car.

It's a beautiful car.

How much are you asking for it?

Whatever anyone wants to bid.

Okay, this is for target any and

this is crazy.

Whatever anyone wants to bid.

Give her spots on Kiltoni for it.

No.

Much like her jokes, I feel like it doesn't work.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The red stripe.

I'm pretty badass.

Yeah.

All right.

She has a Mustang gallery.

That's what we're looking at.

Yeah, it's just the one car.

You're very type A.

I'm actually pretty time B.

But yeah.

Jenny Ann.

She lowered a type.

Let me go up B.

Okay, Jenny Ann, I'm gonna let you go.

I'm gonna let you go.

She's heard that before.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm sorry.

If he said it, it'd be fun.

Did you have fun here tonight?

Yeah, I did.

Okay.

All right.

Here's a little joke book.

Here we go.

Boom.

Good catch, Jenny Ann.

Wow.

Shocking.

Shocking catch from Jenny Ann.

All right.

There she goes.

Go on, Jenny Ann.

Back to where you came from.

Back to obscurity for Jenny.

Ann.

Oh my God.

Wow.

Holy shit.

Look at that.

A woman with

cleansing the room of Jenny Ann's energies.

A woman with a fully operational vagina.

I'm going to drink all of this water.

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All right, back to the bucket we go.

Let's see what happens here.

Make some noise.

A minute from Jimmy Clifford, everybody.

Jimmy Clifford, and here we go.

So my little sister is a conspiracy theorist.

And the other day she walked up to me and she goes, hey, did you hear about this Helen Keller bullshit?

And I was like, what was that, Alexa Jones?

And she goes, yeah, my teacher's trying to peddle us some fake news saying this bitch was born blind and deaf, but I'm supposed to believe she learned how to read and even gave speeches.

I'm like, yeah, right.

Biden was the president and even he couldn't do both of those at the same time.

I was like, Katie, Helen Keller was born blind and deaf.

She goes, then how'd she learn how to read?

And I was like, well, she had this teacher named Annie Sullivan who used to teach her little symbols into her palm, and she learned to read that way.

To which my sister said, palm reading is a scam used to steal money from white women.

I'm like, okay, you got a point there.

I'll give you that one.

She goes, how'd she learn how to talk?

And I went,

fuck.

Yeah, I don't know.

Does anyone in here know how she learned how to talk?

I had to look it up on Google.

Apparently, this is true.

Annie Sullivan used to take Helen's hands, put it on her face and in her mouth, and she would feel the vibrations when she spoke and mimic those vibrations.

Imagine walking in on that shit.

Just some poor little disabled girl finger-banging her teacher's face over and over again.

All right, Jimmy Clifford.

Welcome.

With a

super

super topical bit about Helen Keller learning how to make noises.

I'm pretty sure that bit was old at the time that this Mustang convertible that's for sale was made.

That was insane, Ollie.

He looked at me like I did the growl.

I've been over here suffering listening to you, and you're going to look at me like I did something.

You didn't help me, Ollie.

You let me drown.

Not my job.

That was actually the sound of Helen Keller trying to say hello.

Kim Congdon.

I feel like we all wish we were blind and deaf during that.

That was something else.

Jimmy, how long you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing stand-up for like a decade.

A decade.

A decade.

And you went with your Helen Keller.

I went with the Helen Keller joke, you know?

It was apparently a poor job.

I spent five years of that explaining to 15-year-olds who Nirvana was.

That was about as good as the Helen Keller joke.

Thank you.

Wow.

Jesus.

Having a battle of the Titans here.

Jimmy Clifford versus Kim Congden out of nowhere.

So, Jimmy,

what made you choose that material tonight?

I don't know.

It felt mean.

Felt like this was the right room for it.

So people do.

They think that.

It's interesting.

Yeah, I don't know why.

There was a fucking clown up two people ago.

It's a sweet little room.

I don't know why you'd be mean or dark or anything like that.

Yeah, how do you talk about Helen Keller, but be the retard?

You...

Now Kim's piss no don't do this don't do the stand-up thing Kim stay seated that's we're not on Legion of skanks right now where you have to like make sure everybody knows you were just funny

Jimmy

Jimmy what do you do for work I'm a video editor a video what kind of videos are you editing child porn

Is it child porn Jimmy it's not child porn porn what are you editing I edit all sorts of things I I edit a lot of online content where I make fun of people on cameo

okay

I mean I feel like cameo is pretty topical for kiltony most of the regulars is how they make their day-to-day wage

again dead silence after everything you say it's almost amazing like if we wanted to get room tone for audio we I would just have you do a joke so we could hear make sure that we have the ventilation and the light sound of lighting and everything edited out of the baseline sound.

It never gets quieter than when you try to make some noise in this room.

Jimmy, so where do you live?

Austin?

I live in Austin.

For how long?

About four or five years.

And where were you at before that?

Jersey.

Okay, you're from Jersey.

What was that like?

Living in Jersey?

Yeah.

I mean, it was pretty good.

I lived on the shore, so it was fucking nice.

A lot and, you know.

I don't know.

Have you been to Jersey?

There's not really much I can say about it.

Okay, I guess not.

Ten years in stand-up and a lifetime in Jersey, not much to say in either one of the things, I guess.

What do you think the most interesting thing about your entire life is, Jimmy?

The most interesting thing about my entire life is...

I married an immigrant.

You're a what?

You're a what?

I married an immigrant.

Okay.

Yeah.

Where'd you meet the immigrant at?

Scotland.

You went to Scotland.

I went to Scotland.

What made you go to Scotland?

The Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Oh, okay.

So you went

right now?

Yep.

And then what happened?

You were at a coffee shop or what?

No, I just started screaming at people on the street to come to my comedy shows because, you know, I had to do something.

Clearly, Kiltoni wasn't moving the tickets for me.

So

I barked her into a show.

She enjoyed it, and then she came back.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

So she came up to you and she goes, I want to see you, Sherry.

Yeah.

And then after the show, what did you do with her?

You guys go have drinks or something?

Yeah, grab drinks.

Got a date going.

It was fun, you know.

Did you hook up that first night with her?

Gentleman never kisses and tells.

Tony, that's my wife, for fuck's sake.

Boo, what do you know?

Kiss and tell yet.

No,

you're on a show right now.

You're on a show, Jimmy.

Here's a little joke book, okay?

Ollie, what do you think about all this?

That's crazy as hell that

a lady who has been doing comedy for six months and a guy who's been doing it for a decade are in the same exact place.

Yep.

100%.

A lady who's been doing it six months that is much more venture capitalist and mentally ill than a comedian.

Just body Jimmy Clifford, who's coming back from festivals, just fresh and ready.

All right, Jimmy.

I'll be honest,

I'm a little

out of practice.

I just had a baby about two months ago.

Dari, that would have been an interesting thing to say five minutes ago.

That's the most interesting thing in my entire life, Tony.

I would say, you know, it's awesome.

Well,

I have

like five kids.

You can't say the one was the most interesting.

No, no, no, no, no.

I have nine.

Do not deduct my children.

Yeah.

All right, yeah.

There he goes.

Jimmy Clifford, everyone.

We're going to keep it moving.

We're having fun here tonight.

Interesting bucket pulls so far.

Very interesting doesn't matter if you've been doing it 10 years or six months the pressure can get to you ladies and gentlemen one minute uninterrupted next one is live taylor live taylor

so i recently uh turned 31 and uh as a woman i realized that now i'm in my 30s There's a point in your life that you realize you're no longer in your 20s.

Like that decade of your life is over.

That defining point, point there is a defining point for me i thought that's just when you turn 30 uh apparently that was when i realized i went from having headlight tits to a headlight and a fog light

bitch where are you going

like i don't even have kids to blame this on and i'm half puerto rican

Which is nothing short of a miracle in and of itself.

I am half, and I don't speak Spanish.

I think I'm more of what you'd call like Soro Rican

instead.

And I get that side from my dad.

Kind of hard to talk about him, not because he's dead or anything, but because he's just such a fucking narcissist.

He's Puerto Rican, it makes sense.

But my dad's like that kind of narcissist that's he went to a military high school.

He's convinced that he's a veteran.

Thank you.

Lip Taylor.

Amazing.

Decent and somehow the best bucket pull of the night so far.

Barely decent, yet the number one ranked bucket pull of the night.

Hell yeah.

I bet you would.

You're half Puerto Rican.

Is that why you think one of your tits is garbage?

Probably.

Still got it.

Still got it.

Leaning into the wind.

All right.

I love it.

Liv Taylor.

How long have you been on stand-up?

Almost two years in November.

Okay.

How do you make money?

I'm a vet tech.

Vet tech?

Yeah, I actually have, I've been working for about two months.

The last time I was on, I didn't have a job.

I found a job not long after that.

That's what happens.

Kill Tony Bump.

A lot of people think people just make money off cameo here for some reason.

See, as a vet tech.

Yeah.

So you're around animals.

Yeah.

I actually work in specialty, so I work in anesthesia and surgery.

Amazing.

Yeah.

What is some of the worst animals to deal with that you've learned about so far?

What are the ones when you're like, oh no, there's a fucking Chihuahuas.

Really?

Land sharks.

Yeah, they're pretty terrible.

Yeah.

Not all of them.

I'll give some credit.

There are some nice ones, but for the most part, they fucking suck.

Yeah, I agree completely.

That's why we're trying to deport a lot of them right now.

Back to Chihuahua.

Huh?

Back to Chihuahua.

There's a Chihuahua in Mexico.

Oh, okay.

Yes.

Got it.

You said it like it was one word.

I was trying to.

Back to Chihuahua.

Chihuahua.

All right, there you go.

I thought she put a spell on you.

Yeah, that was weird.

It was weird.

One of my tits feels weird all of a sudden.

All right.

Liv, what do you do for fun?

I am very homebody, so I like hanging out at home with my dogs, but I like to hang out with friends.

I've pretty much bar hopped since I've been here in Austin and really just trying to kind of start a new life.

Religious?

I was talking about it last time.

No, to God, no.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

No, not religious.

Yeah, no, movies.

I mean, like, just really hang out.

I'm very boring.

I've really delved into comedy.

That's why I moved to Austin.

Okay, what are some of the wildest things that you've seen out there in the comedy scene?

This whole show, it's always comedians.

We never really get to delve into the gritty, what it's like at the Austin open mics and whatnot.

What have you seen?

What can you tell us about it?

It's pretty, I mean, it's pretty dirty out here, man.

Describe that for people.

There's, I mean, there's piss literally everywhere.

I mean, you can be friends with the homeless or you can be their worst enemy.

I choose the latter.

It's, I think, better that way.

I like to keep my distance.

I mean...

How about at the open mics?

Once you get there, you're talking more about the walk to the open mics.

It's literally what you think it is.

It's just like hundreds of us just sitting around waiting for our names to be called.

Some people getting sloshed out, you know, shit-faced.

I just kind of hang out with my, you know, little group of friends that I have.

You don't get shit-faced.

No, I drink here and there, but I don't get shit-faced.

Exactly.

At least on these nights.

Why get shit-faced when you already have a shit body?

You're right, Liv.

Oh, come on.

Shut up.

What kind of show do you think you showed up to?

I've been 40 pounds shed from last year, so I think I'm actually

pretty okay.

That's great.

That's great.

Grief's one hell of a diet.

Say that again?

Said grief's one hell of a diet.

What happened?

What did you lose?

I'm a widow.

I lost my husband last year.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, we talked about it last time.

It's cool.

Remind me.

What happened?

He flipped his truck.

Ah, that's right.

There it is.

Always fun.

Yeah.

There he is.

We have amazing technology here at Rogan's Comedy Club.

Thank you to Spotify for

the amazing technology.

We're able to tap into the audio in heaven.

It is quite incredible.

We're getting word that your

former husband is trying to tell us something right now.

Hold on.

Here he is.

Wow.

Okay.

What's his name?

Joe.

Joe?

Joe.

Joe is joining us from heaven.

Joe,

this is a brand new segment on this show.

We're testing out this new technology.

That soundboard's terrible.

Hold on a second.

Hold on a second.

Wait, was that Antonio Brown I just heard?

Is he dead?

Antonio, what'd you say?

Oh my God.

All right.

So Lib,

if you have like a short-term goal for your comedy, what would it be?

I mean, I'd like to be at least featuring in the next, you know, like two years.

I know I'm not ready for something like that now.

I'm definitely still working and building.

That's a good goal.

So, yeah, I'd say like two years.

Good goal.

Can I tell you a fun fact?

I actually have a picture of you with, like, I went to a show of yours.

It was like the year before my mom died.

What year was that?

2023.

Okay.

I actually have a picture with you and him together and you guys have this like very uncanny look.

Really?

Yeah, it's very odd.

Wow.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Going like this.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

Well, if you had a husband that looked like me and he was stuck with you, I could see why he wanted to flip that truck.

Come on, we're getting here.

She's smiling.

she's living her dream she's on the biggest show in her industry yeah you gotta be nice she was there part of the truck is still on her face

oh my god you're getting this is a very roasty panel lib but i liked your set so much so that you're leaving with a big joke book today lib just based on the fact that you're the best bucket pull so far there you go lib taylor we're having fun

We're having fun.

A lot of oohs and ahs from this crowd

Very sensitive crowd.

The liberal girl whispering into her boyfriend's ear over there.

I just think he's mean.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Benny G.

Benny G.

Here he is.

So I married the wish.com version of my high school crush.

The original was named Heidi.

Big busty, like this.

The knockoff is more like this,

arthritis in both hands.

But

when we finally got divorced, she took me for pretty much everything.

I was so ticked off that I called my sister directly after and said I hoped Obama at the time went the same route as the funny mustache man and just eradicated all redheads.

And

yeah, I was pretty ticked off.

And she happens to have a son who's redhead, and she said, well, what are we going to do with Elijah?

I said, we're going to throw him in the attic like Anne Frank.

But unfortunately, that prayer did come true, and they ended up going after red hats.

So I've got to apologize to Gino Carano.

Totally my bad.

All right.

I loved the first like 30 seconds of that.

That was good.

And then I have no idea really what the fuck you were talking about after that i felt like i kind of got edged with genius i thought it was gonna go the arthritis hand opener had me i was very interested and then something something redhead red hat okay hell yeah

ollie he's very nervous you are he's shake he's shaking so hard i'm over here trembling

the clown just took his makeup off

it's just regular old winston pickles up here benny g how long you been doing stand-up?

This is my very first try.

Wow, okay, that makes sense.

No wonder you're shaken.

Look at that.

How old are you?

I am 42.

42.

What made you want to start today?

I've been actually trying to sign up since October of last year, and

what got me down here was the Holy Spirit.

I found Christ a little over a year ago, and he put it on my heart to come be a comedian.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

So when Christ found you and told you to come to kill Tony on a Monday night, what exactly did he say?

And where were you?

And when did this happen?

And what did you eat that day?

It was a long journey.

So I was an atheist for 40 years of my life.

And in January of 2024, I called out to a God I didn't believe in and I actually heard back from him.

Okay, so what's the number to God exactly?

Can you give

When you say you called out to God, what exactly happened?

Can you describe this for us?

I just got ripped off by my in-laws at the time.

For how much?

How much did they rip you off for?

Give me a number.

Not a specific number.

I was supposed to be getting to make 75% of all the calls I was doing, but they ended up giving me 40%.

And,

yeah, I

was taken aback by it and asked my wife to try to rectify the situation because they were her parents.

And

she told me I needed to sell my belongings, sell myself plasma and stuff like that to make ends meet.

And in that moment, I called out to God.

You're talking about a real sympathy story here.

Yeah, this is incredible.

This is incredible.

Did God tell you to leave that bitch?

Was that his first thing he said?

Benny G, it is me.

I have come to answer your call.

You deserve the 70%.

You have to leave this family and sign up for Kill Tony on Monday night in Austin, Texas.

Your story deserves to be heard.

We actually did end up getting divorced.

So

absolutely.

I had a feeling I was on a spectrum, so I went and got tested, and it turns out I have Asperger's.

What a waste of a test.

It turns out, in a stunning turn of events, you have Asperger's.

Congratulations on being the last person to find out.

They tested him in the parking lot like a COVID test.

They're like, yep, he just rolled down his window.

They're like, yep, you got it.

They saw his thumb in his pocket and they're like, yep, go ahead.

The old warm thumb, one of the first giveaways of Aspergers.

All right.

What's some of the most Asperger-y things that you do?

I have really bad social anxiety.

I, you know, I'm just not good with.

Well, look at you facing your fears head on.

Absolutely incredible.

Benny G.

What else you've been doing with your life for fun?

Not a whole lot, just going to church and volunteering where I can.

Okay, so tell us about some of the volunteering that you've done.

Have you?

I went and did a week with Samaritan Spurs out in,

what is that, Western North Carolina or whatever, where the hurricanes hit okay what did you do there uh we were just clearing a bunch of uh different trees and stuff that had fallen in people's homes nice very cool

incredible

do you ever get you ever get uh you ever get you ever talk to the devil

i mean if god talks to you i mean you might as well like they say lightning doesn't strike twice but i mean Has the devil ever reached out to you since you have a direct oh, where you have someone

it appears as though though there's someone calling in what do we got here where's the

sign here

I did get a hello Benny G

the devil I know I sound a lot like God but

Well, you asked if I talked to the devil.

My ex-wife did call on Sunday.

Oh, shit.

Boom.

This ex-wife is getting a lit up.

A lit up.

Hell yeah.

You're nailing 70% of these jokes.

I love it, Benny.

Do you have any kids?

I do.

I have three kids.

Three kids.

I love it.

And

are they grown up or?

17, almost 15, and almost 14.

Wow.

Okay.

Do they have the devil inside them, like, especially the 17-year-old?

No, he's actually on the bread panel.

What is wrong with you?

Do you have like your own quota for retarded shit you have to say?

Like, oh, it's been 10 minutes.

Is your 17 year old corrupted?

What's the craziest thing about your three kids?

Uh

not a whole lot.

They're I mean besides being on the spectrum, they're pretty normal.

They're all on the spectrum?

All but my youngest.

Wow.

What do you think you did different with the youngest?

How do you think the youngest avoided the spectrum?

Did you do something different?

Perhaps hold out.

Oh

my god.

I am so saddened by this.

It's a lot going on here, man.

I love it.

So, what makes you think that that kid might not be yours other than the spectrum thing?

Does it look different?

Yeah, she definitely does look different.

She's black

rope.

Oh, what was that?

I said, She does have an afro.

He said, Are you serious?

Oh, she's got massive curls.

Have you ever

that might be the best timed use of that sound effect in the history of the show, which I've been hoping would evolve over the past 12 years.

But a fun fact is that is one of the oldest sound effects in the Kill Tony playbook.

12 and a half years.

Have you ever asked your ex-wife?

uh to tell you the truth about your youngest child i have but she's never said anything so and

by the time, you know, we actually thought that she might not be mine, it was too late.

She's already mine in my heart.

You know what I mean?

So I'm not going to try to take that away from her.

Jesus Christ Almighty.

Is there anyone you think it could be?

I don't know.

In the 10 years I was with my first wife,

I caught her cheating on me three times in the 10 years we were together.

Oh, my God.

How many of these times was when she went to go see Ali Sadiq live?

Let's talk about you.

And I know this is, you know, obviously personal, but you've seen this show.

And let me tell you, you are crushing this interview right now.

Everyone wants to look cool.

And I don't really have any hobbies.

I'm a homebody.

I go to my

go to bars.

What do you do, Bablandoni?

These idiots.

And meanwhile, there's you, just unable to tell a lie, just over here.

King Bean Spiller, first of his name,

Admiral of the Aspergers,

the protector of thumbs.

Benny G has arrived.

So let's go through this cheating thing, which I find so interesting.

And all the listeners guaranteed right now are enjoying this part of the show because they hear about these things.

Maybe it's affected some of them.

People get suspicious.

Tell us, when you caught her cheating, how did you catch her?

Like,

what are some of the scenarios that you walked in on or found out are we talking about the first wife or the third wife wow this is incredible he gets hotter every time he says it

oh d's going to fuck one of them right now uh

he must have found her back pages hell yeah

One of them has an afro and is completely blind.

Plays a hell of a bass, though.

Hell of a bass guitar.

She's four.

I honestly feel like this is how Creed started.

yeah absolutely okay so Benny G let's go to any wife just tell us about a time that you've caught a wife cheating on you so we just got done moving and she was supposed to be working night shift at Amazon uh-huh I couldn't find well she was working night shift at an Amazon all right old anaconda

I couldn't find the mop.

I was trying to clean up the house because we just got done unpacking and stuff like that.

I wanted her to come home at six o'clock in the morning or whenever her shift ended to a nice clean house.

Oh, God, Benny G.

Holy shit, this is incredible.

You wanted her to come home to a nice clean house, so you stayed up all night, you sweet, sweet boy.

Well, I drove over to our old place because we left the broom and mop there to try to clean it up.

You even had to go back another trip to do with a mission that you wanted.

Walked in, she was walking out with another man.

Oh my god!

Oh my god, the old Brumin dustpan.

And then later come to find out she was actually hooking.

She was making money.

She was getting paid to do this?

Crime delivery.

Okay, hold on.

That was a good one.

Ollie, what were you going to say there?

Okay, we're waving it off.

Got a tie there.

We tied.

So, Benny G,

how did you find out she just admitted to you that she was hooking?

It was actually one of my coworkers.

He said,

She walked out of your old house.

You know, he'd been on Reddit, and he's like, Your wife recently got races, didn't she?

I'm like, Yeah, how do you know?

You haven't seen her in like two years since the last Christmas party or whatever.

And he's like, Well, you might want to look up this name on Reddit.

And sure enough, I did.

And there was all her back page ads from the time we started dating.

Oh, my God.

What's her name?

You are disgusting, Red Band.

I can't believe you would say this is a real emotional part of the show and there you are asking, what is her name just out of curiosity?

All right.

So this is incredible.

Now, did she ever give you a reason why she got into this?

Did she need the money that bad?

After we,

you know, I forgave her and we tried to stay together after that.

But

you forgave her for being an all-out hooker?

Indeed, I did.

She found out he had one ball.

What a goat.

Wait, do you have.

No, I have both of them.

Wow.

Look at that.

I mean, they're not attached anymore.

They're not attached anymore.

See, I knew I was right.

Vasectomy.

Oh.

Tubes tied.

You said enough is enough.

Did you get your tubes tied by any chance before your last kid came out?

No.

No, okay.

Last kid was 2011.

I got my vasectomy in 2017.

Wow.

What made you get it in 2017?

Were you nutting inside of a ton of women?

No, my second wife said that would improve our sex lives if I went and got a vasectomy.

Because she wanted you to come inside of her?

Pretty much, yeah.

Wow.

When you say pretty much, was there something more that could have cost like that?

No.

Just a yes.

Okay.

So she wanted you to come inside of her, but she did not want any little Asperger babyettes running around.

She didn't want any of that, right?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Because she had met your other kids, and she's like, oh, hell no.

Yeah, pretty much.

Right.

Okay.

Wow, it's been a long interview, Benny, but I feel like I could go on and on with you.

Wow, is there any other time that any other good of the cheating reveals i think that's what people really loved no

my my mother and my sister stole 3.4 million dollars from a major oil and gas company though wow oh my god it's like all the bucket pools energy and answers went to one chosen man i think god really is in his fucking earpiece this guy is so interesting.

Wow.

Did they get in trouble for that?

Oh, yeah, my sister did, I want to say, five years in prison.

Yeah, those oil and gas companies tend to be able to afford lawyers and private investigators.

How did, did they think they were going to get away with it?

I mean, they got away with it for like 10 years or something.

Wow.

And they trapped them.

It's enough time to spend the money, that's for sure.

I mean, you can Google it to this day.

It's a national story in Denver.

Yeah, and

you were close with them?

Yeah.

What did they spend that money on?

Do you remember anything specific where you're like, that's kind of weird?

I mean, hookers and blow.

I don't know.

Wow.

Look at that.

Even your own mother was fucking your wife at one point.

Incredible.

Benny, I love your style.

You're so loose up here.

You're smiling.

And 15 minutes ago, you were shaking.

An unbelievable job.

Unbelievable interview.

Thank you so much for coming by.

Benny G, everybody.

Let's fucking go.

A compelling story.

His biggest fear, social anxiety, and he just crushed it during the interview part for 15 minutes.

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Let's see if this person can follow that.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ty Marion, everybody.

Ty Marion.

Oh, we know Ty.

All right, this is my fourth time now on the show.

It has not made me famous, but it's cool because I still look famous.

Like, I know I look like a racially ambiguous Ross from Friends.

Not too long ago, a dude came up to me in the street and said, hey, you kind of look like a special needs David Blaine.

And then he goes, but I bet you're not allowed to do magic within 100 yards of a school.

That's kind of fucked up because I won't even listen to Drake.

But about a week ago, a girl rejected me because she said that I look like a wax statue of Happy Gilmore that was left in the sun too long.

I was like, oh, you got a Sandler fan.

Well, I bet if you come over, I'll make you call me Big Daddy.

And she goes, I bet if I go over, I'm going to find out you have a little Nikki.

And I don't.

It's more like an uncut gem.

Thank you.

Wow.

I mean, that is true.

You do look like all of those things.

You are indeed the platform that God has given you.

A face like that has led you right here in this moment with great jokes about what the fuck you look like.

Thank you.

It is incredible.

A lot of people with a face like that would be sad and have nothing to do with it in their respective industry.

Meanwhile, it's like you have a prop with you at all times.

I love it.

I'm signing autographs left and right.

None of them are for me, but it's fucking fun as shit.

You know what I mean?

I'm a saddler.

Yeah.

It is incredible.

There's quite a look.

Are your ears fucked up or is that just the hat?

Maybe the hat, maybe, but yeah, I do have big ears.

I don't know.

I lost like not like 55 pounds lately.

and whatever has happened It's just gone all of my ears like I fucking hear everything too, so thank you whoever that was Wow Incredible.

Hey, no, that one ear is definitely fucked up.

Yeah, that ear that ears a little fucked up, right?

It's like a little chunky ear is it your your lobes are you have gigantic ear lobes

God

It's totally two different ears

That's a new one.

You're definitely melted on this side.

It's definitely two different Yeah, it is an interesting look.

Does your whole family look like this?

No.

Just you?

Pretty much.

How do you think this happened?

Don't really know.

Have you ever slept before?

Have you ever, do you, do you eat and drink the same thing every day?

Like, what is it?

Well, let us know what to avoid exactly.

Kind of like, I don't think it's really like food related.

Like, I kind of do look a little different from my family.

So recently I did a 23andMe, and I found out that I'm 100% unable to handle that many guys at once.

I couldn't hear what you said.

D-Madness just sat down and he murmured the words, this motherfucker ugly as shit.

That's all.

I just heard it.

Devin D knows, which is incredible.

Born blind, but meanwhile, he walks in from using the restroom and can just tell.

Can just tell.

Ty, anything crazy happened in your life since the last time you were on the show?

I got hit by a car riding a lime scooter.

Okay, did it hit you in the face by any chance?

No,

it would have helped me out, I think.

Yeah.

No, just one of these great Austin drivers we have here in Texas, just not paying attention and went through a red light as I was coming through an intersection.

Wow.

They ran a red light and hit you on a lime scooter.

Yes.

Because they were going normal, like 35, 40.

She was about to make a right turn.

When you say she, what ethnicity was this woman?

She was Hispanic.

Ah,

surprising.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Another L for the Hispanics.

Okay.

And what did, did she stop?

Yeah, she could, she was on top of the scooter.

She didn't have really a choice.

You fly over the hood?

Well, like, wait, so the car was on top of the scooter.

Yeah.

Got it.

So, like, not to harp on the last two stuff, but I'm kind of autistic as well.

Like.

No, no, no, no, no.

We just had fucking shaky McWhat the fuck up here a second ago, so it's not really registering.

My story is a little, I didn't get diagnosed until like really late in life.

So I've had to like battle it and try to be normal and act like a normal person.

So it's just a facade.

What did they tell you that you have?

A face that looks like an Asperger?

Somebody want to order number 33, Asperger.

I think they said your face has draughtism.

All right, you can see it close.

It's very saggy.

Thank you, sir.

I'm going to kill myself later.

Come over.

Kim has one joke that doesn't work.

She goes on a six-minute rant.

Fuck you.

Thank you.

Tie right now.

All right.

Well, Ty, fun times.

You were on the show again.

You've been on numerous times before.

Anything else crazy we should know about you?

How did it end?

The thing she gave you money?

Yeah, well, we're kind of settling that now.

Oddly enough, the cop that arrived was the same cop that was here on the last story that I told on the show, not to rehash anything, but it was the same guy.

So he was like, hey, you want all this information.

You need to go ahead and do this.

And I was like, I think I'm fine.

He was like, You're not fine.

So we'll see what happens.

Okay, well, I hope the settlement happens before this episode comes out.

Oh, you'll notice the limp now when I leave.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Absolutely.

All right, Tymarion.

What do you have?

You've had a big joke book before?

Okay.

Well, then, there you go.

Tymarian, everybody.

All right.

Very exciting.

We're going to bring up one of the

rising

comedian stars from Canada that's been on this show numerous times before.

Here with a new minute, make some noise for Ben Bankus, everybody.

It's Ben Bankus.

What's going on?

I got two kids.

I just had my second kid.

And

yeah, my wife, she tells people, yeah, we had a second kid, you know, for our daughter.

So she'd have a friend.

Like, yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking, too.

Just fucking my wife, like, oh, it's for my daughter.

She needs a friend real bad.

But I got a son now.

Every guy wants to have a son, right?

Because it's manly.

And, you know, you've seen those gender reveals where the guy already has two daughters and then it comes out pink and he's like, fuck.

Can't fucking handle this shit.

So I have a son, but everybody thinks it's manly to have a son.

You know, it's your boy.

But like my daughter, she's three.

Not once in three years did I worry she was gay.

My son's three months old.

I'm fucking worried.

Ben Bankus.

Remember the name.

Fantastic, Ben.

Unbelievable set of the night so far.

No doubt about it.

How long you been doing stand-up again?

Going on 15.

15 years.

A real pro.

Does spots here at the mothership.

Long story short, we were getting wasted at the bar last week, and I said, I'll give you a minute.

Fuck you, dude.

Are there any signs that the...

Yeah, that's the big behind the scenes of Kill Tony.

If I get drunk enough right next to y'all, you know what?

I want to see what you do.

You guys are watching the sausage get spots.

Yes.

The sausage gets spots.

Is there anything gay about the three-month-old that makes you think it might be gay, or is it just a funny joke?

Yeah, I mean, or is it like sucking its thumb back and forth like that or whatever?

Yeah.

Well, like...

He breastfeeds.

It shits and moans.

What?

All right.

Maybe.

No, Kim.

All right, there you go.

All right, Jesus.

If you guys could just laugh at everything she says so she doesn't have to make a big deal out of it every time, that'd be great.

Yeah, my kid, like,

he breastfeeds, but like, he was breastfeeding, then he coughed weird, like he didn't like it.

Like he was he was breastfeeding, and then he was like,

And I looked at my wife, I was like, What the hell was that?

She's like, There was a lot of milk coming out, it was probably hitting the back of his throat.

I'm like, Jesus Christ.

Amazing.

I like him, Ollie, I like him.

Hell yeah.

He's good.

Sometimes it's my fault because I'll feed him with the bottle like this, and then you just

rest it under my chin, and then I'll just

go on my phone.

And then I'll look down and the bottle's shifted.

And it's like.

Oh, yeah.

I'm like, fuck, now I'm making him gay.

This is a lot easier than I thought.

Yeah.

You're contributing.

So that's amazing, Ben.

And how old's the daughter?

She's three.

Three.

Okay.

And you're still with the baby, mama?

Oh, yeah, we're married.

She's up in Canada?

No, she's here.

Okay.

What does she do?

She's a stay-at-home mom.

That's right.

Fuck yeah.

Okay.

Nice.

Malso.

Can we play the money thing?

See,

you're just doing it.

Stand-up comedy, making enough money.

Stand-up comedy touring.

The whole country just did

Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Chicago, Rosemont, Illinois all sold out.

Nice.

Benbankus.com.

Benbankus.com, baby.

B-A-N-K-A-S.

Check him out on tour.

Unbelievable set.

Thank you, bro.

Great stuff, Ben.

Thank you.

Make some fucking noise for Ben Bankus, everybody.

Smooth and easy.

Ali Sadiq.

Before you leave, I want y'all to notice something.

His shoes are nice.

The last two guys' shoes were terrible.

That's how you know he's a pro.

That's true.

No, you're absolutely right.

Did you see them pumas on the last guy?

I actually just started wearing forces, and uh, now you know, I really feel for feel for black dudes with the creasing of the.

Like, I had to ask my black friend how to not crease them.

He was like, You got to ball your feet up.

I was like, Oh, that's that's why you guys walk like that.

Well,

well, we actually stopped wearing those 10 years ago.

Well, a good thing you stopped before BLM because

there's a lot of taking a knee.

That would have ruined a lot of forces, right?

Ben Bankus, ladies and gentlemen.

Boom.

Boom.

Fuck yeah.

Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

And here is a new name.

Make some noise, a new minute, new name.

It's Dave the Butcher, everybody.

Dave the butcher has arrived.

God damn it, sprite is fucking here.

It's bright as fucking here.

I can't see shit.

Where are my plat folks at?

Smile rock.

Oh, there might be one over there.

Oh, shit.

I get it, Tony.

Keep them on stage where you keep an eye on them.

You know what I mean?

Keep them on stage where you can keep an eye on them.

Bless you.

You know, because it's messed up, but theft in the workplace is a motherfucker.

Where we at?

Shit.

I got a little bit of a racist joke here.

I'm just trying to break the ice.

I had a little nervous here.

It's my first time.

So,

knock, knock.

Knock, knock.

Damn.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

All right, listen.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Damn, I fucked up again.

Never mind.

All right, uh, did you see?

Did you see?

Wow.

Holy shit, Dave.

What the fuck are you doing here, man?

What would make you do this?

Why would you sign up for this?

I'm sorry, man.

It's bright as fuck.

I can't see shit.

Yo, well, how would seeing anything?

Deep Madness crushes back here.

He literally can't see shit.

Kills every single week.

Biggest pop from the moment he walks out.

Plays like a fucking, like the devil himself.

He doesn't go, sorry, off today.

Can't see shit.

Crushes.

Meanwhile, you can see a lot.

Yes, the lights are brighter than they are in the alleyways where you're used to performing.

Have you ever attempted stand-up comedy before?

A A couple times.

I'm six months deep.

Six months deep.

Yeah, okay.

All right, Dave.

What the fuck?

Do you have a joke in six months?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got a couple jokes.

Do they all end in knock-knock?

That's how the joke's supposed to start.

It was supposed to be knock-knock.

Go ahead, knock, knock.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Unbelievable, Dave.

Apologies, apologies.

I fucked up.

You did fuck up, Dave.

You did.

Fucking.

I got one for you.

Knock, knock.

No.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ice.

I was going to say homeless security, but that was it.

Ali Sadiq, what do you think about that?

You fucking MS-13, terrible ass rookie.

You are fucking terrible.

Yeah, I was hard.

Hey, you should.

take that mic and hang your fucking

fair enough.

You go by the name Dave the butcher is that what you do are you a butcher I'm a chef you're a chef so you're not even a butcher you're not a butcher you're notchers as jokes but yeah

okay where are you a chef at exactly uh Houston okay where at in Houston uh this little place called uh Philly Flats Philly Flats what do you make there what do you specialize all kinds of stuff Italian food Spanish food whatever Okay sandwiches.

Are you good at that?

Yeah, I'm the shit.

Okay, you know what I think you should do?

I think you should go back there.

All right.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

I fucked up.

Okay.

Houston.

Yeah.

Fucking making me look bad.

Yeah.

Exactly.

This thing.

Check out the kickstarter, man.

They're clean.

Shit's terrible.

Do you have lampshades on your tires, like on your car?

Oh, okie-dokie.

Negative, yeah.

I thought that was bad.

That was bad.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

You are the worst thing to happen to Houston since Katrina.

Damn.

It is incredible.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

You're terrible.

Try.

Work hard.

You have to do something next time.

There you go.

No joke book, no nothing.

There you go.

Stave the butcher.

Absolutely nothing.

Absolutely horrendous.

Terrible.

You guys having fun out there?

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Wow.

Evil.

Wow, the lights even went off.

Even Kino, the lighting guy, likes it when people do bad.

Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen.

Anything can happen.

This is Rob White.

Rob White.

Kill Tony.

How's it going?

Oh my God.

I did not think I was getting on the show tonight.

Otherwise, I would not have dressed like a Dago on vacation in the 60s.

This is a terrible fucking outfit for comedy, guys.

i uh

i honestly it's a it's weird like i don't i don't actually do comedy uh you know i have a full-time job i'm a tattoo artist by day stand-up comic at night which is fun because basically i have two jobs that no one thinks is real

And yeah, so like it was a weird thing.

Like growing up, like my dad's a tattoo artist and he saw me and he was like seeing how I was acting like a f ⁇ ing tard.

And he's like, I need to solve this shit.

I need to toughen up my son.

So he sent me off to work to learn how to tattoo with his guy, Crazy crazy joe at the age of 13 and 13 years old i didn't need to be working with this guy he was a fucking killer okay i mean like he wasn't killing it with the ladies or doing killer tattoos i mean he actually murdered a guy he stabbed him to death

we could end there that wasn't going very well let's be honest check check check check check

that's it

the joke ends with story your dad stabbing a guy to death no no what the fuck is going on tonight is anybody trying to make it anymore on this fucking show?

It's a long, complicated.

I should have chose better on my one minute, Tony.

I should have chose better, yeah.

Okay.

I am so fucking dizzy watching him.

I know.

It's crazy.

It is wild.

Sorry.

Rob White, it's okay, buddy.

Okay.

So how long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing it on and off now for five years.

Five years.

Okay.

And do you have a joke?

Five years.

Five years?

I got jokes?

Sure.

Let me just do a

best joke.

Five years ago.

Best joke.

Okay.

Here's what I was working on.

Guys, what's funnier, the Holocaust or slavery?

It's a trick question because we all know the Holocaust never happened.

Okay.

All right, fuck it.

What are you going to do?

Jesus Christ.

What's your second best joke in five years?

You have another one, another go-to?

I am failing miserably.

The setup punch is not an easy thing for me to do.

I

tell longer-winded stories that one minute does not help.

And I didn't think this was going to happen today.

This was like literally flew in today.

Yeah, that's how it goes.

That's what happens on a show where you sign up and your name goes in a bucket.

People don't know, and then now you know.

This is what you do.

Yeah.

If you could have done something differently, you said you flew in today.

What would you have done differently?

There's a lot of people that are thinking about signing up.

Fly in the day before.

Maybe you should soak up the energy and get yourself prepared so you don't come up here and just wing it less.

When you say prepare yourself, do you think the five years of attempting stand-up comedy would have applied at all?

Look, this, the one-minute is a hard thing to introduce yourself and tell everybody.

Yeah, it's the format of the show.

Sorry, didn't have any walk-a-waka fucking happy.

Ali Sadiq.

No excuses.

And there is no walk-a-waka.

Now you're trying to insult the entire art form of stand-up comedy, but everybody who's funny gets laughs in a minute.

Even if they're doing a one-hour-long special, there's laughs in the first minute.

Yeah, yeah, well said.

So it's not walk-o-walk.

I can't blame the audience.

That's shitty of you.

Yeah, I get it.

I get it.

There you go.

All right, let's talk about your embarrassing life.

What do you got for us?

Anything?

Fucking horrible.

I have horrible stories.

Let's go.

I started tattooing at an early age.

My dad had me tattooing in the shop.

Are you doing your material again?

No, no, this is

like what I do every day of the week.

13 years old tattooing.

So I've been doing it my whole entire life.

And I did the worst fucking tattoo in the history of tattooing, like to the point where it's on every website.

It ruined my entire comedy and tattoo career simultaneously.

What was it, the Down syndrome Tiger?

No, it was...

It was a soprano's portrait of the fucking family.

How do we find this?

You don't, all you have to do is...

You remember the show?

That Soprano's tattooed.

Ron and Fez, Opi and Anthony.

i'm asking you a different text where it happened on the radio okay it happened on

how did we find it was the question the guy i tattooed was east side dave if you type in east side dave's tattoo it immediately just fills it the fuck in because i ruined his life too right and it's uh it's it's probably the worst it looks horrible so i did this it was a radio promotion oh my god see

oh it's hard oh my god oh

oh my god the beatles is so bad.

It's crazy.

We're going to put it on the screen for those of you watching on YouTube right now.

Holy shit.

No, they're not going to,

don't ever do that again, I told you.

It doesn't work in-house.

There's like only these four people are going to be like,

this was a...

I'm a well-accomplished American traditional tattooer.

That's what I've always done.

No.

But I was doing...

No, it's.

I don't believe you.

I'm not sure.

So you also told me that this is...

I think your dad was probably good at it i think this is one of those things like

you know michael jordan jr or whatever where it's like

this was ali siddiq i wish y'all could see this fucking tattoo like frankenstein john lennon and the people so prattle people

the tattoo is funnier than anything

there this is what i'd say this section is disgusted there's people vomiting wow oh my god this is incredible

it's incredible.

This is great, great podcasting, everybody.

Red Ban on the ones and twos.

Wow.

There it is.

Red Band is retarded.

He can't do anything.

Here we go.

Here he goes.

All he has to do is turn an iPad around, everybody.

Let's see how it goes there.

There you go.

There you go.

People are just cheering.

Red Ban being able to do the simplest of simples.

Oh, man.

I feel like this tattoo right now.

All right.

It's

Rob.

Craziest thing about your life.

Anything?

Ollie Sadiq,

what do you think about it?

I got to be able to fight because I would have beat the shit out of you if you were.

But I got it.

That wasn't like just a normal.

This this is worse than what you even understand it was a radio show ron and fez who was on right before opie and anthony on the radio right

so after i did this

they roasted the

out of me you understand like all my comedy heroes that i was looking up like jim norton and bob kelly and lewis tk every week would go on the show and pull up the picture of this tattoo and be like what an amazing abortion this kid did

yeah horrible so yeah i just felt like i thought that would be nice to share with you guys well it just happened again yeah yeah i know 20 years later and it's happening again too yeah on a big show uh rob here's a little joke book my friend uh sign up again with uh

try it again try it again sometime

rob white holocaust denier rob white

la la

oh my goodness gracious

the lovely Heidi, saging the stage of the energy of Rob White and Dave the Butcher,

bringing us back to a time when we all felt like we were in show business.

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All right.

Your next bucket pull, everybody.

It's a promising name, believe it or not.

I have a feeling about this one.

Make some noise for just Greg.

Just Greg.

What's up, everybody?

I don't know about you guys, but I hate getting bad news.

But sometimes I think, like, what if I got bad news in a fun, entertaining way?

Then maybe I wouldn't mind it as much.

Like, somebody be like, hey, just Greg,

got some bad news for you, man.

Your wife has one minute to live.

I'd be like, fuck yeah, yeah.

That wouldn't be a bad way to get bad news, I don't think.

You know what I'm talking about, man?

Maybe your friend pulls up to your house, like

I ran over your dog in the driveway.

Fucking love that dog, man.

Get me going for pancake.

This is my impression of Donald Duck sneezing.

This is my impression of Donald Duck having sex with a prostitute.

All right, that's enough of that.

All right.

That's my time.

Thank you, guys.

Just Greg.

Hell yeah.

All right.

Well, how long you been doing with Sand Up?

Just Greg?

Not long.

Three years, sir.

Three years.

Okay.

All of it in San Antonio?

Could you tell?

Really?

No, sir.

I started in El Paso, and then I just moved to San Antonio.

So you do live in San Antonio?

Yes, sir.

How long ago did you move to San Antonio?

About a year ago.

Perfect.

What do you do for work?

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

Wow.

okay hell yeah thank you i should have just said that amazing how old are the kids uh six and eight were the were their first words burner burner

burner

burner

something like that yeah

okay

you don't make money in any way how does the baby mama bring home the bacon she's a surgical technician oh wow it's a fancy fancy fancy terminology how long you been with her uh 13 years okay look at that.

How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom?

Do you

beat?

Yeah.

You beatbox while you eat box.

Yes, sir.

Incredible.

Yes, sir.

Absolutely amazing.

Wow.

Okay.

And two kids?

Are you going to have more?

Planning on it.

Very small family for a San Antonio Latino family.

Yeah, for Hispanic, honestly.

What's the most Latino thing about you?

The most Latino thing about me?

Probably my mustache.

I don't know.

Oh, okay.

Just grows like that.

Okay.

You mow your own lawn?

Fuck yeah.

All right.

Yeah, gas power, none of that electric shit.

That's the answer, then.

That's the most Latino thing about you, just to let you know.

Yes, sir.

I can cut a grass.

Okay.

What do you do for fun when you're not hanging with the kids or attempting comedy?

I make videos on YouTube.

About what?

Beatboxing.

You beatbox.

So that's your thing.

That's my thing.

Okay.

it's better it's the best thing i know how to do the first punchline that you did did you say your wife has one minute to live yes i did okay yeah i don't think anybody really got that i kind of heard it but even then it doesn't make sense because why would the doctor say true

okay what about the second one though i think it would be i think you should just be more on the nose like you have cancer oh something like that Okay, no one would believe one minute to live.

You know what I mean?

That's fair.

Unless she's drowning or something.

Yeah.

But she wouldn't.

She's a good swimmer, right?

Yeah, she could float.

Oh, the horn players got that one.

Look at that.

Absolutely.

Okay.

Did you say six and seven, six and eight, the kids?

Six and eight, yes, sir.

Okay.

They up to anything crazy?

Good kids?

Yeah, they're pretty funny.

Funnier than me, for sure.

Yeah, for sure.

What do they do that's funny?

They're just getting arguments.

They're kind of like roommates.

You know, the youngest one hates the oldest one because she's jealous of her.

Like the other day, she was like, oh, Elena says that she's getting boobies, so she needs to wear a bra.

And I was like, well, that's a weird thing to bring up.

And then I was like, well, it's fine.

Just don't wear her bra.

And she's like, but tell her, tell her she doesn't have any boobies.

Like, that's what she was worried about.

Wow.

I hope Red Band has signified that he has an erection, everybody.

Six and an eight-year-old talking about boobies.

Has Red Band very exciting is that your thing

i would have him stand up and show you the erection but it would turn into a home screen in front of his pants if he had all right

we're having fun here tonight greg what's the craziest thing in the history of your life what do you think makes you different than everybody else uh i got a flu shot i almost got paralyzed that was tell us more about that so i got uh there's like a thing you know that those papers they give you when you you get a flu shot that nobody reads there's like a tenant there's like a 10 000 cases a year that somebody gets guillamboret which is like i get i get paralyzed basically and you felt it coming on yeah like it was weird because i still had to go to work and then they didn't send me to the neurologist until it went to the back of my throat so i was like answering the phone like stamps are now you know

wow i was in the air force i'm gonna say that

amazing what were you what type of work were you doing then uh some

it's it's a job where i just inspect like life rafts and shit like that.

Life rafts.

Yeah.

Were you helping people illegally cross the border?

My family mostly, yeah.

All right.

Do you ever get a flea shot, Tony?

I don't really think so.

And definitely not as an adult.

How old were you when you did this?

I was back in 2018, so I was like 27, 26.

Yeah.

I don't really do that.

Even Red Band doesn't get the flu shot, as you could tell by the color of his skin.

Here's a little joke book.

Just Greg.

There you go.

Just Greg, everybody.

Beatbox.

Beatbox.

Ooh, we

la

Make some noise for your next bucket pull, everybody.

It's Dr.

Rabbit.

Ooh, la la Dr.

Rabbit.

Alrighty, so I do actually have a doctorate degree, but if we're completely honest, I am essentially just the Walmart version of Legally Blonde.

But regardless, I still got a job at a college, and you wouldn't know by looking at me, but it was actually at a black college.

So

yeah, I was a diversity hire.

So I go by the stage name Dr.

Rabbit for reasons that I thought were fairly obvious, and also because all the really hot girls that are blonde seem to have already taken the name Bunny, so that was off the table.

But what I didn't expect was that the TikTokers were going to think that I chose Rabbit for how I fuck, rather than what I thought was the more obvious roast.

So,

well, I don't know.

That's a minute.

Sorry, I didn't know I was in that.

It is a minute.

The doctor is in.

Dr.

Rabbit.

Hello, Dr.

Rabbit.

Hi.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at you.

I love her.

She looks like someone left their Barbie in the sun.

Welcome to the show.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Well,

this is it.

I've done

this is it, really.

I've done a few like stand-up nights, but not really anything.

Okay.

My rate my professor would say that my class is kind of oh, sorry.

My rate my professor would say that my class is kind of stand-up, but I mean.

You're what professor?

Ratemyprofessor.com.

You can go read about.

That's where you go rate college professors before you sign up for their classes.

So she's a professor.

Oh, really?

Got it.

Yeah.

Got it.

Okay.

So you're a professor at a black college?

Not anymore.

What did you do at the black college other than scare the living shit out of people?

I don't think I scared anybody, but I taught cultural diversity, believe it or not.

Her class was called Get In.

Wow.

And can you give us a lesson here?

Can you give us what it would look like if we showed up to your class and just a you know like 10 second snippet of you as a professor?

Usually I walk in and I'm like trying to get the

like oh actually do it.

Yeah, do it.

So I'm not good with technology so usually I walk in and then I'm like messing with the computer and then I like say some words and then they all laugh and I say please don't like report me.

Please don't put that on my student email and I have to like overcompensate for it.

But um, do you know what?

I don't know.

Do what you do, you do your college professor thing just for 10 seconds.

Just pretend like you're a college professor, and I'll pretend like I'm a black college student.

All right, hold on, let's start.

Okay, so

yeah,

no,

I only got a few mumps left of this shit anyway.

Spot on.

Spot on.

This bitch be looking like the bitch from Poltergot.

I'm learning studies from the motherfucking children of the cone up here.

Honestly, I'm so painfully white that like half the time I don't know what they're saying or I didn't know what they were saying.

Wow.

That brings me to the next segment of

I do have a black daughter, and I don't know who her father is.

One of her students.

May I clarify?

Shit.

She was adopted.

Oh, nice.

Oh, the crowd's upset that you adopted.

They were all hoping that you got knocked up by one of your students, literally.

No, no, nothing like that.

That's not why I still don't work there.

Just to be totally honest.

Just to be totally honest.

It's not that you don't understand them because you're so white.

I don't understand them either.

I have a black son.

I don't know what the fuck he be talking about.

She looks crazy as shit, though.

You adopted a black child and you're a professor at a black university.

What's up with?

Well, not anymore.

But

yeah, well, it doesn't sound like that.

I did adopt a black child while I was at the black university, but I then left and went to an all-girls university.

That's where I'm at now.

Who is giving our children away?

Fuck, man.

Incredible.

Do you only have one adopted child?

Yeah, I guess her.

Awesome.

So it's just two of us, yeah.

Okay, great.

Awesome.

How old is she?

14.

14.

Amazing.

So let me ask you this, because I'll bet you it did happen.

My question is,

did

a lot of the guys at the colleges flirt with you?

Because

there's a lot of teacher-student hookups.

I bet some laid it on pretty thick, am I right?

I don't know if I'm really the type that they go for,

but I mean,

no, no,

I'm kind of a push over.

I'm going to give me a Mustang.

Oh, no, you are is the line of the night.

It shall be sealed forever.

That is incredible.

Brought to you by ZipRecruiter, Shopify Prize, picks an open phone.

Allie Sadiq's.

Two new specials are at Ali Sadiq Comedy on YouTube.

Holy shit.

Okay, Dr.

Rabbit.

So,

what happened?

Why did you leave the black, all-black college?

She's got, if we're just completely honest, she's got a lot of special needs and it was hard for me to do it completely on my own.

So my parents were willing to step up.

And she had been in

seven foster homes.

And yeah.

The adopted daughter?

Yeah.

Okay, I asked a different question.

Oh, I was sorry.

Why did I leave the college?

I literally just left so that I could get help from my parents in Indiana that helped raise her.

Got it.

Amazing.

So she has special needs.

What are those special needs?

She needs a black mom.

Okay.

I mean, I'm not great at her hair, I'll be honest, but

I try.

It's on YouTube.

It's on YouTube.

I have a feeling I'm not going to have a job when I get back.

No, you're great.

Anyways, but I don't even know what you asked.

What are the special needs of the adopted child?

Yeah, so she's got pretty significant fetal alcohol syndrome.

She came from foster care, so I got to really reiterate that so they don't think it's me.

Right.

Exactly.

Every time I go to the doctor, I'm like, she's adopted.

She's adopted.

And I kind of look like a jerk, but then they see why I have to really emphasize that.

But she does have an intellectual disability and some physical, like she has seizures and stuff because of the brain damage.

Let me ask you a question.

When you adopt a kid like that, did you know that when you got it?

Or did you like, do you get a discount or something?

Like, how does that work exactly?

30% off.

No discount.

Foster care is free.

So yeah,

foster care is free.

So they didn't have to pay anything.

Nice.

Yeah, I knew ahead of time.

So at any point, someone could go like i want it no you got to go through there's some there's some hoops you gotta go through but yeah did she already like does it the foster kids like you um do you get to like is it like a dog do you get to like rename it or did was was was the kid named like whatever the original mom named it like hennessy or whatever yeah so

That's a law that I really want them to change because at the age of 13 they can actually legally completely change your name to whatever they want it to be and hers almost became Cardi B Ariana Grande Bill.

And I was like, We can't, we can't do that.

And they're like telling me, like, legally, you can't coach her on what to name herself.

And I'm like, we're gonna have, we're gonna have a Cardi B then.

I mean, we can't do this, but she kept her name and just changed her last name to mine.

Thank God.

Wow.

So, you got a black child that wants to be named after a Puerto Rican white lady.

This is crazy.

Hey, she got special needs.

I mean, if I was her, I would have gone with Tardi B, to be honest with you.

We're at it.

What do you mean?

This is kill tone.

Nowhere else can you say Tardy B.

All right.

I mean that would have been the moment.

Special needs, picking the name, Cardi B, she's black.

Right?

Okay.

It's a whole thing.

You're an angel.

You really are.

Thank you.

And you're so likable and it's incredible.

Dr.

Rabbit.

What made you want to do this here tonight?

Um, I've just, I don't know, people have always told me that they think I'm funny, and I was really self-conscious.

I was in a bad car accident when I was in when I was 16, and that's why my face kind of got destroyed.

And I was really self-conscious, but people said I was funny, and so I'd kind of hide.

And so, um, what way to kind of reimmerse to the world by going on a

on Kiltonian?

I love that

I love that

Michael Gonzalez is has an interesting taste in blonde women he

so if you're interested he's a professional rock and roll drummer

this is here's a big joke book your interview was amazing you ready for it

you got it you can do it ready oh no oh no

there it is

Dr.

Rabbit ladies and gentlemen thank you Dr.

Rabbit make some noise for everybody

We're having fun tonight.

A lot of people using Kill Tony for therapy, by the way.

A lot of people trying to face their social anxiety fears on this show.

Let me remind you all,

it's about stand-up comedy.

And if you need help, Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime.

It's easy to get started.

And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter the promo code SpaceSet0, right, Red Band?

I love Talkspace.

Thank you, Red Band.

All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Dimitri King, everybody.

Dimitri King.

Yeah.

What's up, Austin?

Where are my weed smokers at?

Man, you got to really watch what you smoke these days.

I smoke this string called Think About It.

Yeah, think about it.

Messed up my whole day.

I took two hits.

And I sit and thought to myself, I wonder what white people's favorite rap song to sing and say nigga when niggas ain't around.

Because you know they got one.

They at least got one that they scream on their way to work at eight o'clock in the morning.

So I've compiled the top five songs that I believe white people say nigga when niggas ain't around.

Number five.

I'm just kidding, white people.

I ain't gonna expose y'all like that.

No, no.

I'd rather let you have a very weird conversation with your black friend the next time you get in the car and close the door and the radio turns on and looks over at you and goes,

The fuck do you be singing in here?

That's my time.

Okay, Dimitri King.

We didn't even get any examples.

I was excited to hear the N-word.

What's your favorite time to say the N-word?

Usually when I wake up.

Same.

Dimitri, how long you've been doing stand-up?

So technically 10 years, but I just came back on stage for the first time after eight years.

Okay.

Wow.

So you did it for two years and then took an eight-year break.

Yeah, exactly

quite the lunch break there Dimitri a little bit a little bit

okay

normally when someone does something and comes back sounds like my father yeah

come on now you know niggas don't come back

Dimitri what do you do for work

I'm actually a founder of a tech company.

Whoa.

Founder of a tech company?

What exactly is this tech company?

It's called Market Match.

So it's a fun way to do market research and surveys using swipe technology.

Wow.

You're a founder.

Do you make a lot of money from that?

I'm starting to.

Oh, my goodness.

What are we talking about?

Like, how much money?

I mean, we ain't going to say all that.

Yeah, why not?

No, I'm good.

Come on.

I'm good.

It's a fun show.

Like, what do you make a month?

Oh, it ain't that fun.

I don't feel like getting robbed for fun.

You have it, you carry, you make, take it all and you turn it into cash and you keep it on you?

you don't have to have cash to get robbed

okay

all right

fun answer Dimitri

what do you have a wife girlfriend yeah I have a wife and what does she do she's an executive assistant for a startup okay look at you guys founder executive assistant for a startup

amazing you have kids I do How many kids?

Just one kid.

How old's the kid?

He's six.

Six.

So that's why you stopped.

Mm-hmm.

He's retarded.

He gave it up for adoption.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Did someone read her my bio before I came up here?

Yes.

So, Dimitri, what do you do for fun?

This.

Other than this?

Just go out and hang with my friends.

It's usually about it, traveling.

What scares you?

What are you scared of?

You seem very comfortable on stage.

I would say.

Dolphins, perhaps.

Yeah.

No, I want you to think of your own answer.

Thank you, Redman.

It was totally worth it.

I would say standing up here and not getting a single laugh.

That might be the scariest thing ever.

Wow, you'd be amazed how many people faced your fears tonight.

It happened a bunch, Dimitri.

Dimitri King, any relation to Martin Luther?

Not that I know of.

Okay.

Maybe Martin Phillips.

Oh.

All right.

Dimitri King, most interesting thing about your life?

I just started my business and I'm looking to bring it out to the world.

That's about it.

Okay.

Anything at all?

Anything interesting about your life other than the business?

A little fun fact about Dimitri King.

Like, for example, you once almost died, or you've saved somebody's life.

Oh, so actually, yeah, I actually almost died.

I'm diabetic, and I found out by being diabetic by basically being put in ICU.

And I should have died, but I did not.

Okay.

My sugar was so high that I should have died, but I did not die.

And luckily, I'm here in front of you.

That's everybody black.

Yeah.

Incredible.

I believe it's called Kool-Aids.

Great.

What did you have or consume that put your blood sugar into such a precarious position?

Chocolate milk.

Wow.

Wow.

That is incredible.

Did you make the chocolate milk yourself?

Did you mix the syrup in or did you pre-buy it already mixed chocolate milk?

Red Band loves this question.

It's a good question.

It is.

You can control the amount of chocolate if you have the Hershey's thing, so it's a good one.

Oh, no, it was the Dutch, Dutch boarding chocolate milk.

So it was the premium.

Well, we boarded very well.

No,

very interesting.

I was fancy that day.

Can I give you a fun fact?

Yeah.

About chocolate milk.

Oh, please.

I only drink it if I have somebody pregnant.

Why?

I don't know what it is.

I know if somebody's pregnant by me, that's when I started drinking fucking chocolate milk.

Any other time, I hate this shit.

I didn't drink chocolate milk nine times.

That's how many kids you have.

Exactly.

Other than that, I don't fuck with it.

All white milk, buddy.

That is incredible.

Amazing.

What an interesting fun fact.

Chocolate milk.

Do you drink it?

Ollie, when you drink it, when your girl's pregnant, do you drink it straight out of her breast?

That's where it comes from, right?

Black women's milk almost killed you, pal.

You're right.

You're right.

You did almost get murdered by chocolate milk.

That is an amazing fun fact.

They said I had a 2% chance of living.

Whoa,

hell yeah.

Okay.

My goodness, Dimitri.

All right.

Ask him if he's related to Bernard King.

Are you any relation to Bernard King?

Bernard King?

What about Rodney King?

Junior Junior.

Who?

Junior Junior.

Rodney King, Junior Jr.

Okay.

I don't even know.

Steel bomb and it's fucking terrible.

Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry.

That's what happens when you go in an eight-year hiatus, you know?

Did you do any, did you think of any of the jokes that you did from the first 10 years?

I did.

And what happened to those?

Those jokes were good, but they were older.

So I was like, I figure I'd try something new.

Oh, so your jokes don't stand the test of time.

I guess not.

I'm done interviewing him.

Like milk, they expire quickly.

Dimitri, fun times.

Here's a medium-sized jokebook, my friend.

Whoa, whoa.

King fucking catching up.

The only one of the night to not catch.

Whoa!

Wow.

Two missed catches.

Let it be known that Dr.

Rabbit caught her joke book in a stunning turn of events.

Nobody thought it was possible.

Meanwhile, the six-foot-five black man avoided the jokebook like it was a couplet of chocolate milk.

Absolutely incredible.

One more time for Dimitri King.

I very rarely get to use the word couplet on this show, and I'm excited I got it in.

That was on your bingo card.

You just want a billion dollars.

Okey-dokey, we're having fun.

We're in a silly mood tonight.

There was weed going around in the green room.

Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Mason Bird.

It is time for Mason Bird.

I have the mindset of an NFL quarterback when I have sex.

If I go three and out one more time,

they're going to put in the black guy.

And they should.

The black guys can do spin moves in the pussy.

I'm much more of a pocket pussy passer.

My pocket presence is crazy, dude.

No, I don't use a pocket pussy.

I know what I look like.

I know I look like I know serial numbers.

Ush.

Is that the X472?

Not sloppy enough for me, dude.

There's a lot of double standards in this life.

Like if a guy likes trains, he's autistic.

But if a girl likes trains, she's the coolest girl ever, dude.

Mason Bird.

Fantastic, Mason.

You've been on this show before, right?

Yes, sir.

And you were funny last time.

Thank you very much.

You're a funny guy.

How long you been doing it?

Three years next week.

And you're from where?

Detroit.

Detroit.

And you live here now.

Yes, sir.

Hell yeah.

You're doing great, Mason.

What do you do?

How do you make money?

Right now, I'm at Jersey Jersey Mike's still.

Absolutely.

Yeah, dude.

I know how to make sandwiches, man.

Fuck yes.

So do 100% of the people in the room.

It's incredible.

You take the fucking bread, you put the shit on it, and then you put the other piece of bread on top.

Unbelievable work, Mason.

How many times have you been in the ICU for your diabetes?

Completely healthy, young man.

Never.

I don't have diabetes.

I'm certain I'm close, but I'm.

Certainly.

You said completely healthy?

Somebody get Dr.

Rabbit back out of this.

I'm an athletic fat, all right?

Yeah.

What kind of athletics do you do exactly?

I play basketball.

I lift weights.

I swim sometimes.

Yeah.

But yeah,

I'm an athlete.

Do a squat, John Dee says.

Whoa,

look at that.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Damn near fell into that drum stand.

We just got a tsunami in the Philippines.

My goodness.

Mason Bird talking about being bad at sex, being replaced

three and out.

Are you really bad at sex, Mason?

I'm good at sex.

What are some of your big moves in the bedroom?

I like to pin a girl against the wall with consent, of course.

Adding the word consent makes it a little bit creepy.

Yeah.

I feel like any room you're in, the girl's pinned against the wall.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So you put her up against the wall, and then what exactly would you do?

Because there's

space in between.

Yeah,

so you got to create space, right?

so you put the legs by the ankles kind of like a v like a really weird v situation you say put the legs by the ankles legs are on top of ankles already all right sorry put the ankles on top of your shoulders is what i meant to say

oh yes creating the v formation

the old flying v

quack quack the mighty ducks mighty ducks are our friends there's a man losing his mind in the middle of the room right now just a fear of the mighty ducks, and he's having a mental breakdown.

Talk space.

Use the code space80.

He seemed to have a lot of competition with black men, too, in the bedroom.

What's up with that?

I think every white guy does.

You know, like fat women like me, and they also like black guys.

Ah, yes.

No, we like them.

Put the money sign.

Check change.

Well, if you get them wet enough, you don't have to worry about the black guys swimming in it.

All right.

Okay.

I'm going to pee again.

Oh, no.

So you mostly hook up with bigger women?

Yeah, pretty big girls.

Sometimes black women.

Ooh, tell us about your experience with black women.

It's like the thing where black guys like fat women.

They kind of like black women like fat white men.

Whoa, I have never heard this before they're very aggressive to me Tony they're very they're like what you doing later big boy whoa

hell yeah

and then they find out you make sandwiches get the fuck away from me big boy

they call me big boy they want it for sure if they

wow

Okay, so tell us about your experiences with black women.

Have you noticed that what's the difference between having sex with a black woman woman than a white woman?

They're a lot more bossy.

They tell you what they want, and

like I've heard it before on the show, but it is warmer.

It is.

Yes, can you give some examples of what black women have bossed you around to do in the bedroom?

Lift up your belly.

Rub it.

Eat this pussy, big boy.

That looks like the only thing you don't eat.

To my right.

I mean, like...

You a good pussy eater?

I'm not hope.

I'm good at it.

I don't get a lot of opportunities.

You have to put it between two pieces of bread to be able to enjoy it.

He has some black woman left on his shirt.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Mason Bird.

You see, your parents are back up in Detroit?

They alive?

Mom alive, dad, dead.

What happened to dad?

Cirrhosis of the liver.

Ooh, Redband.

Redband, our chief cirrhosis of the liver correspondent.

Even the liver was black.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Joey said something black would take him out.

It just was his liver.

Amazing.

Y'all going to stop blaming shit on us.

In Detroit, they are.

All right.

Mason, incredible stuff.

So fun.

Do you have any other hobbies other than stand up and making sandwiches?

I like to go walks in the middle of the night.

Oh, okay.

It's not anything weird.

It's not anything weird.

I just, I feel safe in the middle of the night.

Fucking peeping Tom.

What else?

I have a cat.

I like to feed my cat.

I like to make her fat too.

Oh, okay.

What's the cat's name?

Clover.

Oh.

But I call her stinky for the most part.

Stinky.

Yeah.

Wow.

Sorry.

Okay.

You sleep with the cat?

She crawls into the bed sometimes, but sometimes not.

Uh-huh.

You get confusing shit.

Clover.

Come in, stinky.

I like going to strip clubs sometimes.

Ooh, okay.

All right.

What do you tend to do with the strip club?

The first time I went to a strip club, I went with my father.

And he kind of showed me the way.

I was just following his footsteps.

I like to go in, you know, get a laugh dance and

be awkward with the strippers.

Most awkward moment you've ever had.

Hold on, let's check in with Alisa D.

See?

That's not a black woman in a shirt.

That's a stripper.

Ah, that is true.

Stripper juice, ladies.

No doubt about it.

We've seen this before.

What's the most awkward moment you've ever had with a stripper?

I try to walk up to a lady for like 45 seconds and awkwardly like walk trying to give her money.

And

I just kept walking away awkwardly.

And And the security got called, like, what's this guy steal?

And then they were scared because I was bigger than them.

And

then more security showed up.

And then they let me keep hanging out, actually.

It was the weirdest.

They were like, she does lap band dances.

Do you have any plans on losing the weight?

Do you have any plans?

Yes, I actually got a Gold's Gym membership.

It's the last time I've been on.

Wow.

Haven't gone yet.

You haven't gone yet.

Haven't gone.

It's just $30 a month I'm eating.

He loves eating.

How come you haven't gone yet?

Laziness, I guess, fear of inadequacy.

Ooh.

Proper answer.

Yeah, like, I guess I'm just afraid to be embarrassed at the gym by Jack guys.

Yeah.

Because fuck those guys, right?

No, uh,

I'm just.

You're Jack, too.

Jack in the box.

Mason, fun times.

Congratulations.

You did it again.

You already have a big joke book, right?

Yes, sir.

There he goes.

Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen.

And that is the bucket portion of the show.

Now, it's an interesting one tonight, ladies and gentlemen, because I must inform you that William Montgomery is on a very rare vacation with his family.

Yes, very rare.

And Ari Matty is sick.

Came back from the road, road, and he's sick.

Hans Kim is stuck, locked in a sushi restaurant right now.

And Cam Patterson is yet again filming another movie, a wild success story.

So you might be wondering, what the hell people are saying?

There's Latino men wearing sunglasses going, what the hell they're doing?

Literally, right now.

So.

Closing tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, a very, very polarizing figure in the history of the show ladies and gentlemen i present to you the long-awaited return of uncle laser

yo we got any trans people in here

i'm still gonna fucking talk about y'all.

What's up?

Hey,

listen, I got invited to a drag brunch the other day, okay?

That's not the funny part, sir.

But I know what you're thinking.

Same thing I was thinking, like bottomless mimosas, NASCAR, count me in, you know?

And I get there, it's bottomless mimosas, but it's but like post-op pick crew dressed up like Mrs.

Doubtfire, okay?

Their wieners tucked under, Lady God.

I was born this way.

I was like, you weren't fucking born that way.

You know, you weren't.

But I get about 16 goddamn mimosas deep, and I forgot where it was.

And

your boy got ready to risk it all on a girl named Peter, okay?

And

me and Peter started fucking sexing back and forth.

And I'm a shooter, so I led with a dick pic and got one back.

And I was like, what's that?

She goes, that's before.

I said, what's after?

And she's like, well, you know, I'm post-op.

My wiener done been repaired into a lady's vagina.

And I said, well, that's not Christian, you know.

Y'all ever seen a wiener that's been turned into a vagina?

Y'all ever reheat lasagna in the microwave for too long?

Oh, my God.

But y'all ever been inside a wiener that's been repaired?

And to a woman's vagina.

A lot shallower than you think it is.

A lot more shallower.

It's like you ever cannonball into a kiddie pool and scrape your knee on the concrete.

My name's Uncle Laser.

Y'all been fucking great.

Wow.

I mean,

wow.

Uncle Mother fucking laser.

I know exactly what I want to say right now.

It's amazing because all the golden ticket winners, boom, they started with a bang.

All the regulars had something so promising and boom you know what i mean we we always watched them be good and then keep learning their voice and focusing harder when you started on this show you were nothing more than a funny character you weren't a real comedian there was no definitive moments of actual punches there was just a bunch of silly funny stuff happening and no big bangs throughout the minute and you worked it out you've been going on the road.

You've done everything that a working comedian can possibly do.

And it is amazing to watch your growth on the show.

Absolutely incredible fucking performance.

I think my favorite that you've ever had on this show.

But in real time, I mean, that's what's incredible about this art form is the people that really apply themselves.

You get growth.

You see results.

So that's amazing.

I mean, you could go back all the way to the first Uncle Laser appearance, and you would go, What the fuck is going on here?

And then here you are: the character that you've always had is defined, and you're working, and it's funny throughout.

And it's still your silly, weird, like methy, fucking white trash tone.

So, you're still on brand, but it's amazing that

that was very funny, Uncle Laser.

How's life going?

Fucking terrible.

Tell us more.

So, you know, I got a problem with the homeless.

Yeah.

It's been stated on this show, and they must be at the public library seeing all the shit I'm talking about on social media.

Because I got my goddamn car stolen out of my driveway the other day by a couple homeless people.

And I fucking recovered it, and they took a big creamy shit in the back.

And homeless shit smells different than regular shit.

It smells like it wants to borrow some change, you know.

But then, you know, I recovered the motherfucker, and to make matters worse, and then about a couple hours later, I get a call.

Because while back on this show, I told y'all I got my merch stolen in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and couldn't locate it.

Well, it's been located, okay?

And a detective from the Santa Fe Police Department called me.

He said,

are you Uncle Lazer?

And I said, this is him.

He said, man, we located your merch.

I was like, cool.

He's like, where's it at?

Can I come pick it up?

He goes, well, now, as part of an investigation,

we set up a sex child predator sting,

and nine fucking homeless dudes came in your merch shirts to meet this 13-year-old girl at the house.

And I'm like,

God damn right, fucking D-Madness.

Try having your face on the motherfucking shirt when they're coming to do all that shit.

So I don't know, man.

You know, we're just out here.

Wow.

So your merch is basically the Yankee jerseys of pedophiles.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

And, you know, just a regular, I got, I met some dominations there in Vancouver this past weekend.

Okay.

And, you know, I'm, you know, I'm always up for whatever.

And I had these two of them.

They fucking tagtamed me and tied me up on a goddamn closet, hung me upside down and

jerked me off on a repeat to Ozzy Osborne's Mr.

Crowley.

And,

you know, and Tony, you ever have anything ever put in your ass before?

Surprisingly not.

Okay.

Shockingly not.

Well I have okay and

let me tell you first and foremost fellas there's a G-spot in your asshole okay and if activated correctly okay

you will ejaculate a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch.

Wow.

It's got the viscosity of fix a flat.

It can fix any tire in town I'm sure of it.

You know sometimes I'm just thinking I should just wear sleeves, but here we are.

You know here we are red band has a confused look on his face.

He absolutely loves Hidden Valley Ranch.

And he's now wondering if that will work if he ever orders fries and they forget.

Postmates forgets his ranch on this side.

He's.

You ever put a finger in your own ass, Tony?

No.

Never.

Never.

You didn't even go through the first water line?

Nope.

No.

I have no interest in that.

Not in the shower?

Not once.

Have you?

Is that what you're saying?

I think every guy at least once in the shower is like, let's just see what it's about.

Make some noise, gentlemen, if you put a finger in your ass.

What a bunch of shy bitches.

God, Red Band.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, man, happy birthday.

It is Red Band's birthday.

How many of you think we should shove a birthday candle up his ass and light it right now?

Those sweet butter cakes.

All right.

Uncle Laser, so great.

Unbelievable set.

Congratulations.

Fantastic to watch your growth in real time.

It is possible, people.

If you don't believe me, go watch Uncle Laser's first three sets on this show.

People hated me.

They were furious with me, but we were friends.

Friends.

And we had a lot of mutual friends back then.

And I knew you were funny.

And now

you're showing it in real time on stage.

Incredible.

Can I shake his hand real quick?

I mean, I'm a big fan of him.

What part of H Town?

He's never touched a black guy.

This is very exciting.

Look at that, everybody.

Third ward.

Yeah, I'm from like Richmond, Rosenberg.

I spent a lot of time in Mo City.

Like, Zero's my favorite goddamn rapper, so I didn't know that.

I didn't know he was from Houston.

So wow.

H-Town, hold me down, motherfucker.

Oh, whoa, baby.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Thank you, Tony.

There he is, everybody.

Uncle Laser trying to up his street cred before getting off.

There he goes.

How loud can this place get for Ali Sadiq and Kim Congdon, huh?

Ali Sadiq's new

special, two new specials just dropped.

Ali Sadiq Comedy on YouTube.

He's on tour at ali sadique.com.

That's S-I-D-B-I-Q.

Ali, you made me laugh so fucking hard tonight.

Absolutely incredible.

Unbelievable.

One more time for the great Kim Congdon.

12 and a half years of being Kill Tony Royalty, one of the original regulars.

Kim Congdon.com for tickets to Nashville, Tacoma, Charlotte, Fort Wayne, Dallas.

It's all happening, people.

Thank you to ZipRecruiter, Shopify, Prize Fix, and OpenBone.

The drawing from Ryan G.

E-Belt is in.

It's incredible.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Oh, James McCann with ice cream.

All right, that's a special one.

All right.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muelling, John Dees, and D Madness, Red Band.

Check out the Secret Show every Thursday.

Sunshine Strip ATX.

Love you guys.

We love you guys.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to Sunsetstrippatx.com for tickets.