#734 - DUSTY SLAY + MARTIN PHILLIPS

Transcript

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 3 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

Speaker 1 You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

Speaker 8 live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony give it up for tony it's crazy

Speaker 11 Guys, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Speaker 11 Yippee!

Speaker 11 Brian Rickett! What's up?

Speaker 12 The best Sam band in the land, everybody. Come on!

Speaker 16 Fernando Castillo, Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 22 John D's on the keys, and that's D-Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 25 Wow.

Speaker 26 What an exciting night we have ahead of us, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 27 I'm so excited about this one.

Speaker 29 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 30 Hi, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew.
Guys, enter the room dick first. Blue Chew isn't just a tablet.
It's a cheat code for your crotch.

Speaker 30 Stronger, harder, longer-lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a gym membership. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex.
Nothing does it better than Blue Chew.

Speaker 30 Discover your options at Blue Chew.com, and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Blue Chew free.

Speaker 30 Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it.
Join Blue Chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to Blue Chew.com for details and safety info.

Speaker 30 And big thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

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Speaker 40 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 29 Every single week, I bring up two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth to join us.

Speaker 17 We are coming off hot of what I truly believe is our greatest episode ever with Rob Schneider and Donnell Rawlings.

Speaker 50 Tonight, I I present to you another first-time duo on panel.

Speaker 52 One of them has one of the newest specials on Netflix, Wet Heat.

Speaker 50 The other is Kill Tony Royalty, being one of the most used and loved golden ticket winners ever. Yet he's never been on panel before.

Speaker 50 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dusty Slay and Martin Phillips.

Speaker 50 Yeah, Dusty!

Speaker 50 Welcome, Dusty.

Speaker 50 Martha Phillips.

Speaker 11 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 50 This episode brought to you by Shopify.

Speaker 58 Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 29 This is our first time working together, Dusty.

Speaker 28 Yes, it is.

Speaker 54 We were eating lobster rolls upstairs, having a good old time.

Speaker 60 I'm excited for you to be here.

Speaker 17 Dusty has wet heat out on Netflix, the podcast.

Speaker 36 We're having a good time, and he's on tour at dusty slay.com, one of the best comedians working today.

Speaker 19 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 63 Welcome.

Speaker 62 I like this panel we have here.

Speaker 64 You guys look like a before and after for hair.

Speaker 62 Martin Phillips, how you doing down there?

Speaker 66 I'm good. I'm here.

Speaker 67 Hell yeah.

Speaker 69 I started just doing a minute.

Speaker 68 Now I'm on panel.

Speaker 69 Now I'm the captain now.

Speaker 25 Oh, there it is.

Speaker 72 That's why he's wearing the hat.

Speaker 73 Now it all makes sense.

Speaker 39 You're You're

Speaker 60 Captain Phillips.

Speaker 53 And me and Martin did a show together 10 years ago at an Italian restaurant in Portsmouth, Virginia. And now here we are.

Speaker 39 Wow.

Speaker 74 Look at that.

Speaker 41 From Phil Tony to Kill Tony.

Speaker 14 Yes, an Italian restaurant to here.

Speaker 76 Exactly.

Speaker 59 Captain Phillips.

Speaker 69 And I came prepared because I knew I'd be up on stage the whole night. So to make sure my head is staying straight, I have a mirror.

Speaker 5 Oh, what?

Speaker 25 Oh, he's got a mirror.

Speaker 77 My head is straight. To make sure his head is straight.

Speaker 78 You also have a corncob pipe.

Speaker 69 I turned out, I can't keep the mirror still. So it's gonna be kind of hard.

Speaker 53 The Coke's been spilling off in the back.

Speaker 43 Party Machine, Martin Phillips, Dusty Slays, first time on this show.

Speaker 21 Dusty, if you don't know, over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show.

Speaker 29 They're all slammed together in a bar next door.

Speaker 41 If I pull one of their names out like I'm doing right now, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 27 You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 29 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 17 It's just a loud noise. It interrupts them.

Speaker 29 I conduct an interview.

Speaker 17 We sit back.

Speaker 41 We learn more about the people and we talk to them all together.

Speaker 77 The whole thing's improvised.

Speaker 32 Anything can happen.

Speaker 40 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 13 While we go wrangle that first bucket pull, we have a golden ticket winner to start us off with a brand new minute.

Speaker 50 This is his first time cashing in on his golden ticket. He won it just a few weeks ago when he came out blind as a bat and impressed us all.

Speaker 50 Ladies and gentlemen, the first golden ticket appearance by Chris Celio, everybody. Here he comes.

Speaker 39 What up?

Speaker 85 Alright, I had to make sure.

Speaker 86 I fucking just moved here. I moved from Miami.
I moved 1,000 miles away from where I grew up my entire life. Now I really don't know where the fuck I am.

Speaker 86 It's like I'm in a part of a video game that hasn't loaded yet.

Speaker 28 It sucks that I'm the only guy in here that just gets stuck like a Roomba.

Speaker 28 Like if I don't tap, tap, tap, and find the exit, I'm just going to stand there and beep until somebody picks me up.

Speaker 88 Like home

Speaker 86 home, please. I have to shit.

Speaker 86 You don't know how long you can hold it and shit into your me.

Speaker 86 And you never know where another bathroom's ever gonna be, dude.

Speaker 86 You're like, well, I guess I'm never gonna shit again.

Speaker 28 It sucks that, like, I'm the only guy in here that has to send his dick pics to his boys first for approval.

Speaker 38 Yeah, I gotta be like, yo, yo, yo, yo, is this a good one?

Speaker 86 And then they get to be like, why is your dog in the shot, Chris?

Speaker 86 Were you aiming for all balls by chance?

Speaker 86 This is just half your cock and not the good half. It's all root.
Nobody wants all root.

Speaker 28 Thank you guys very much. Yeah.

Speaker 11 Chris Celio.

Speaker 23 Welcome back to the show, Chris.

Speaker 59 This time this way, right?

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 90 We're over here.

Speaker 92 There's speakers everywhere.

Speaker 60 It could be easily confusing.

Speaker 21 I love that you opened up with the line, what up?

Speaker 29 Because you literally don't know.

Speaker 17 And then I thought of something.

Speaker 48 When you were talking about taking a shit, I realized, how do you know when you're done wiping?

Speaker 21 Do blind guys...

Speaker 86 God damn it, Tony.

Speaker 31 Do blind guys smell the toilet paper?

Speaker 69 You smell your hand.

Speaker 86 DeMadness, let's get out of here, dude. We don't have to take this, dude.

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 86 Somebody walk us out of here, dude.

Speaker 28 Fuck.

Speaker 85 No.

Speaker 96 We've kidnapped both of your handlers.

Speaker 97 You're going to be here for the rest of the night.

Speaker 70 Gonna bring a little port-a-potty up here.

Speaker 53 I'm fascinated that Chris had observational jokes.

Speaker 53 I just, I don't know how I touched Chris a lot in the back because I wanted him to know that I was talking to him, you know?

Speaker 99 I don't know how blind, I didn't know how blind he was, if that makes sense.

Speaker 53 I don't know if that's offensive.

Speaker 70 100%.

Speaker 39 Don't worry.

Speaker 53 I don't think you can ask.

Speaker 53 You know what I mean?

Speaker 45 I agree completely. It's always, it's always different.

Speaker 93 It's always, some people have a little bit of this.

Speaker 29 Some people have a little bit of that.

Speaker 41 Him and D-Madness right behind you, completely, 100% blind.

Speaker 54 Not a single thing to be seen between them.

Speaker 64 Party time, everybody.

Speaker 104 I love it.

Speaker 23 So, Chris, how's life been going since your last appearance?

Speaker 21 It's been super fun, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 28 Well doing comedy around Austin. I've been like navigating Austin alone.

Speaker 105 Ooh.

Speaker 106 Which is terrifying.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 86 I had a pretty much homeless Uber driver the other day.

Speaker 36 They all are, but yep.

Speaker 14 I don't think it was an Uber.

Speaker 53 I kind of think it's less scary to not see as you're walking.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 44 Yeah, it might actually be better for you.

Speaker 90 If you could see what's going on out there, you might move somewhere else.

Speaker 69 Go blind again.

Speaker 100 How do you navigate around by yourself?

Speaker 93 Explain that to us.

Speaker 102 Yeah,

Speaker 28 I take a lot of Ubers. This guy was literally like...

Speaker 28 I am just fumbling my way through homeless encampments, avoiding HIV and

Speaker 70 stabbings.

Speaker 6 Aren't we all?

Speaker 86 I kicked a guy's cup the other day and all of his change fell out.

Speaker 70 Oh,

Speaker 28 this was like all of the money I think he owned.

Speaker 110 How much was it?

Speaker 23 Could you tell from the sound?

Speaker 92 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 100 So Chris, tell us what the red, what do you do with the rest of your days?

Speaker 111 Like what else goes on?

Speaker 58 I just jerk off a lot.

Speaker 70 All right. Look at that.

Speaker 69 Red man, you can go blind any day now.

Speaker 113 No, I need.

Speaker 53 What are you jerking it to, really? I wonder like,

Speaker 53 is it feels? Are you thinking about feels? I mean, these are real questions, right?

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 6 Morgan Freeman stodder, like somebody has a great voice.

Speaker 94 Yeah, I just.

Speaker 32 What do you think about?

Speaker 39 Can you picture things?

Speaker 28 I go and pornhub, man.

Speaker 86 I got a computer.

Speaker 94 You know?

Speaker 75 You just kind of listen to them?

Speaker 86 Yeah, I do just listen to it, but I can't like listen to a blowjob video.

Speaker 39 Right. Yeah, because to me a blow.

Speaker 86 It's just slurping and gagging.

Speaker 28 It's not very accessible.

Speaker 86 It could be a dude sucking that dude's dick.

Speaker 28 I wouldn't really know, you know?

Speaker 94 That's just gay.

Speaker 32 Speak for yourself.

Speaker 30 Amazing stuff, Chris. Do you ever go on dates? What's that like?

Speaker 116 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 86 I don't go on a lot of dates. I gotta take girls to like different restaurants, different dates, you know?

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 28 Yeah, I don't think it's fair that I go to a restaurant unless we're both blindfolded.

Speaker 118 You You know?

Speaker 28 I don't think it's cool that you just get to watch me eat steak on my hands.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 113 God's chopsticks, all right?

Speaker 28 But I like, I'll take a girl to like an escape room.

Speaker 119 Ah.

Speaker 86 And just see how she handles adversity, you know?

Speaker 86 Let's get some problem-solving skills going here.

Speaker 102 I love it, Chris.

Speaker 21 Other than jerking off and stand-up comedy, though, I mean, you must have like some hobby or something, right?

Speaker 86 I can play some video games while blind.

Speaker 31 No way.

Speaker 86 Yeah, yeah, there's like games that, and that blows people's mind.

Speaker 21 They immediately think, all right, he's faking.

Speaker 28 And I'm like, no, I play video games very badly.

Speaker 87 I'll just run into a wall for like an hour and just be like, I'm going to get it. You know, like, god damn it, I'm going to beat this level.

Speaker 53 You're really just pushing buttons, right?

Speaker 28 And yeah, my brother has the controller unplugged.

Speaker 15 Are you close with your brother?

Speaker 28 Yeah, yeah. He moved out here with us, too.

Speaker 22 Nice. And he can see?

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 69 That would suck.

Speaker 96 Yeah, I mean, it seemed like it was a genetic thing, though, right?

Speaker 123 What you had?

Speaker 121 I was just born with fucked up eyes.

Speaker 121 I just rolled bad.

Speaker 112 You know, like.

Speaker 124 Huh.

Speaker 53 Well, you're pretty annoyed right away. Just rolled them right back.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 125 I was born with a lot oh talk to bearing so yeah i

Speaker 86 had i had like like weird things like over my eyes i didn't even know if i had eyes in every other country me and martin were river babies you know like we're baby stone they're like oh this is a do-over baby okay or dead

Speaker 13 but we live in america so we're here right now martin all right boom absolutely the american dream

Speaker 110 well chris it was a great set.

Speaker 27 Great, amazing stuff.

Speaker 127 Well written.

Speaker 97 You really crossed your I's and dotted your T's.

Speaker 32 It was amazing.

Speaker 28 Red Band?

Speaker 128 I'd love to have you back on the Secret Show Thursday, man.

Speaker 13 Another

Speaker 11 real gig for Chris Celio.

Speaker 56 And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 26 We were just

Speaker 26 kidding.

Speaker 58 There's your handler.

Speaker 51 Look at him somehow seeming more blind than the blind guy.

Speaker 51 Just a super confused handler.

Speaker 43 Can we get a handler for his handler?

Speaker 55 Get someone to guide his handler.

Speaker 16 All right, folks, this is it.

Speaker 50 The bread and butter of the show. To the bucket we go where anything can happen, where we've met every single comedian who's ever been on this show.

Speaker 50 And it goes like this: ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Pete Garza. Everybody,

Speaker 46 we're gonna meet Pete Garza.

Speaker 7 I tried a glory hole for the first time.

Speaker 130 I don't get what you wouldn't just shit in the toilet.

Speaker 120 That other guy was fucking pissed.

Speaker 14 Got on his shoes.

Speaker 78 I gotta stop going to strip clubs.

Speaker 106 I got an argument with the stripper the last time I went.

Speaker 130 She wanted me to pay her $100

Speaker 132 because I came in my pants.

Speaker 39 I was like, bitch,

Speaker 130 I came in with that.

Speaker 132 It's not even my cum.

Speaker 120 You don't know.

Speaker 87 You dumb fucking slut.

Speaker 106 I did still pay her the money, though.

Speaker 106 Because I wanted to have sex with her.

Speaker 54 But hey, you guys know me.

Speaker 7 I always fuck with two condoms.

Speaker 7 Not even scared of pregnancy or STDs. I just hate the way that pussy feels.

Speaker 120 My name is Pete Godsla. Thank you so much.

Speaker 115 All right, Pete Garnson.

Speaker 119 I liked it.

Speaker 13 You're a wild boy.

Speaker 58 How old are you, Pete?

Speaker 78 I know this.

Speaker 43 I'm 24 next month.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 44 All right. So you're 23.

Speaker 113 Yes.

Speaker 7 I believe so.

Speaker 60 Perfect.

Speaker 29 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 7 Oh, I know this one too.

Speaker 58 You don't have to say that before everybody else.

Speaker 78 I'm sorry.

Speaker 85 About a year and a half, right?

Speaker 106 Yeah, it was around the time Floopy the Rat died.

Speaker 39 Okay, Pete. Wow.

Speaker 6 Who the fuck is Floopy the Rat?

Speaker 39 What?

Speaker 65 Who's?

Speaker 113 Oh, oh, he was a rat.

Speaker 106 He's dead dead now.

Speaker 14 Was he a pet?

Speaker 87 Yeah, you could call him that.

Speaker 28 Yeah, he was, yeah. He lived in a cage in my apartment and stuff.

Speaker 14 Your energy makes me uncomfortable.

Speaker 43 Really hitting the nail on the head with that one.

Speaker 134 I mean, just acknowledging what we're all feeling right now.

Speaker 21 It is an odd energy.

Speaker 14 What do you do for a living with energy like that, people?

Speaker 113 I've been working.

Speaker 106 I was a caterer for weddings, but I just got another job at Pluckers and also a valet.

Speaker 78 I got to decide.

Speaker 135 You have to decide whether you want to work at Pluckers or Valet.

Speaker 75 Big decisions.

Speaker 69 I know.

Speaker 136 I also got to find a place to live.

Speaker 80 Wow, where do you live now?

Speaker 106 I'm crashing at a couple friends' houses.

Speaker 114 Okay.

Speaker 40 How much stuff are you lugging around to each place?

Speaker 106 Well, I got most of my things in Laredo right now, so I just have a couple bags with me.

Speaker 53 I take both jobs.

Speaker 21 You were a valet at a Pluckers?

Speaker 15 Or they were separate?

Speaker 38 No, no.

Speaker 113 I'm going to be a servant. I'm going to go to the masked dusty.

Speaker 15 You say you did both jobs.

Speaker 53 Oh, I'm saying you should take both.

Speaker 39 Oh, I mean, you said you did both jobs.

Speaker 31 Oh, I I have. Well, I have.

Speaker 44 Yeah, I think you should take both jobs.

Speaker 97 I think you should really, really start working.

Speaker 23 You don't have a place to live.

Speaker 106 I know.

Speaker 137 It's very scary.

Speaker 20 Where are you from?

Speaker 138 I'm from Laredo originally, down south.

Speaker 23 How long have you lived in Austin?

Speaker 76 Five years?

Speaker 19 Five years.

Speaker 39 Have you ever had your own place?

Speaker 87 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 I moved here with my ex-girlfriend to go to UT.

Speaker 21 That did not work out.

Speaker 60 Really?

Speaker 60 Call it.

Speaker 7 Yeah. No,

Speaker 7 it was during COVID, so I dropped out after a year.

Speaker 39 I had a full ride.

Speaker 82 How'd you have a full ride?

Speaker 59 Believe it or not, I was very smart back then.

Speaker 113 I had like a, yeah,

Speaker 78 no, I had like a 50.

Speaker 53 I think we're all going with not.

Speaker 65 Right? Yeah.

Speaker 113 Yeah.

Speaker 53 I don't think the strip club is the right move for you. I agree.
You're having some financial issues, it sounds like.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Yeah. Well, I used to be doing pretty good.
I was a a valet at like a really nice resort, but I got fired from that.

Speaker 82 Why'd you get fired?

Speaker 38 I was late a lot.

Speaker 130 Ah, and they gave me so many chances.

Speaker 21 It was really my fault. Wow.

Speaker 39 Do you have a car? Yes.

Speaker 36 What kind of car do you have?

Speaker 78 Mazda 6. I like the car a lot.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 126 All right. What do you like about it?

Speaker 7 It's really pretty.

Speaker 91 It's blue.

Speaker 139 It's comfortable.

Speaker 39 And it's reliable.

Speaker 43 It's fun to drive.

Speaker 15 That's enough.

Speaker 75 That's yeah.

Speaker 77 All right, Pete.

Speaker 32 What's something surprising about your life that we could never guess about you?

Speaker 38 Oh, this happened recently.

Speaker 7 I almost had a threesome with a married couple, but then they asked me for a picture of my dick, and they told me that it was too big.

Speaker 58 Prove it.

Speaker 58 No,

Speaker 58 no, no.

Speaker 58 No, no, no.

Speaker 14 They took my phone.

Speaker 25 Right.

Speaker 134 That's what I would say, too, if I was in your position.

Speaker 14 How big are you?

Speaker 70 Red band.

Speaker 129 Red band asking for a measurement.

Speaker 103 Like, actually,

Speaker 78 20 centimeters.

Speaker 12 All right, very, very good.

Speaker 67 Okay, how big are you?

Speaker 69 I think that's like eight inches.

Speaker 74 Wow.

Speaker 140 Someone would get a full ride if they hooked up with you.

Speaker 128 You have good girth or is it like a 2K raid band?

Speaker 141 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 27 We get your little silly thing in there and then you just have to push it to the limit.

Speaker 127 What is the girth like on it?

Speaker 39 We don't really care.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 127 It's just a thing we do where he goes over the line and then I pretend like I'm mad at him, but then I follow it up with the thing.

Speaker 134 There's a whole highlight reel of these things.

Speaker 53 Did you have both condoms on in the pick?

Speaker 15 Yeah, that's a good question.

Speaker 75 Helps the curve.

Speaker 58 How big are you before you start wrapping multiple condoms around a three and a half?

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 38 I don't know, man. I just, I like the tightness of it all.

Speaker 142 Uh-huh.

Speaker 39 All right, well.

Speaker 14 You're a weird guy.

Speaker 107 He really is.

Speaker 134 He really is.

Speaker 21 But a decent set, Pete.

Speaker 29 As wacky as you are and as odd as you are in the interview portion,

Speaker 23 I liked your set tonight.

Speaker 138 Here's a big joke book.

Speaker 24 There you go.

Speaker 107 There he goes.

Speaker 13 There he goes, everybody.

Speaker 57 Pete Garza. Uh-oh.

Speaker 72 I know what that sound means.

Speaker 11 It's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 57 She's got a new website, HeidiRegina.com.

Speaker 16 How exciting.

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Speaker 30 Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five five bucks for shipping that's it join blue chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time head to bluechew.com for details and safety info and big thanks to blue chew for sponsoring the podcast hello this podcast is sponsored by zip recruiter guys the hiring experience can be a drag waiting for the right candidates to apply sorting through resumes trying to get in touch with potential candidates it's a lot well the future of hiring looks much brighter because zip recruiter's latest tools and features help speed up finding the right people for for your roles so you can save valuable time.

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Speaker 50 All right, your next bucket pull, everybody, goes by the name of Jim Talley. Here we go, Jim Talley.

Speaker 146 Yeah, how y'all doing tonight?

Speaker 146 Fuck yeah, I want to to talk about Elon Musk tonight, man.

Speaker 39 Yeah,

Speaker 4 I don't like the guy.

Speaker 146 You know, I don't like how he's trying to take humans to Mars. You know, I'm black.

Speaker 116 I'm not going, right?

Speaker 146 Listen, maybe it's just my black anxiety speaking. I just, I don't want to run the risk of getting in no space slave rocket

Speaker 146 to be taking unknown lands, you know?

Speaker 146 You know what I'm saying? Where are you going to stick us in the back of the rocket next to the thrusters and shit?

Speaker 146 Smelling the gas leak and shit. Fuck that, all right?

Speaker 39 That's not NASA. That's NASA, all right?

Speaker 28 I'm gonna need to see a return ticket or something, is what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 146 But no, I will give him some credit, though.

Speaker 146 I think he got a lot of flack for that Nazi salute they said he did. I don't think it was a Nazi salute.

Speaker 146 Because I watched a lot of the historical footage, and the Nazi salute, it's a lot more zesty than that.

Speaker 39 I'm serious, you know, Hitler was on some gay shit, you know?

Speaker 146 Serious, how many straight men you ever seen do this?

Speaker 69 Z. Kyle, right?

Speaker 146 My name's Jim Telly, guys. You're in it.

Speaker 108 Jim Tally.

Speaker 13 Great set.

Speaker 12 Yes, sir.

Speaker 32 Fresh off of almost beating a pro wrestler to death this weekend.

Speaker 21 No better place to come hide out from the police than here.

Speaker 31 At the brother's ship.

Speaker 48 You are profusely sweating.

Speaker 146 Yo, I was walking here and apparently they called me and and I was still outside the building. So I fucking jetted here.

Speaker 70 I'm black, so I got here fast as fuck.

Speaker 93 Oh my goodness gracious.

Speaker 42 It is incredible.

Speaker 110 You are soaking wet.

Speaker 41 You look like you were just in a water park.

Speaker 140 Did you ever go to water parks?

Speaker 145 What do you think, Tony? No, I bet you don't.

Speaker 115 I don't swim.

Speaker 146 I don't like to swim. I don't like deep water

Speaker 39 at all.

Speaker 125 Martin Phillips, the captain's here.

Speaker 46 That's it.

Speaker 25 Look at me.

Speaker 70 I am the captain now, not playing.

Speaker 67 Wow.

Speaker 40 Jim, you've been on this show before, correct?

Speaker 70 Yeah, about two, three months ago.

Speaker 43 Okay, remind us. What do you do for work?

Speaker 146 I'm a merchandiser for an international beverage company.

Speaker 105 Whoa.

Speaker 147 Yeah, I practice that backstage.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 102 Sounds great.

Speaker 53 I am afraid of how sweaty you are. It scared me, and I didn't want to say anything.
But I don't want to go to Mars either.

Speaker 69 I'm with you. You Dusty Slate?

Speaker 120 Yeah. Oh, shit.
Hell yeah, man.

Speaker 106 All right. I see you on the back of the bottom.

Speaker 58 I've got a lot of fan in this whole place.

Speaker 53 That's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 39 A little respect there.

Speaker 146 Yeah, I've seen him up in North Dakota.

Speaker 41 Dusty's the man, man. Fuck yeah.

Speaker 53 I think Dusty. Dusty meet Ashy.

Speaker 80 Just kidding.

Speaker 16 Just kidding.

Speaker 134 It's the opposite of Ashy.

Speaker 39 He's a self-moisturizing machine.

Speaker 6 It's absolutely incredible.

Speaker 75 Amazing.

Speaker 43 So, Jim, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 146 I do this shit.

Speaker 39 I work out a lot.

Speaker 146 I practice voices from time to time.

Speaker 23 What type of workout studio are you out there lifting heavy white women?

Speaker 70 Yeah, I do look like I fuck white hoes, but nah.

Speaker 146 She's light-skinned, but yeah.

Speaker 38 But anyways, but nah, I like powerlifting and shit.

Speaker 146 I want to be able to be in movies one day, so I want to be able to be in shape for that shit.

Speaker 80 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 101 What else have you been doing to prepare for this possible movie career?

Speaker 146 Practicing monologues and, you know, again, voices and accents and all of that shit, which I am kind of good at.

Speaker 53 Yeah. I'd like to hear a voice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me too.

Speaker 77 Let's hear some of these voices or accents.

Speaker 146 Hello, guys. My name is Jim.

Speaker 70 As you lot can tell, I'm not from here.

Speaker 39 That's pretty good. I'm in charge.

Speaker 146 I've got a few tricks for you lot tonight, and I'm going to do them.

Speaker 147 You're going to laugh, and then I'm going to go.

Speaker 25 Wow.

Speaker 27 You know what?

Speaker 43 I was going to arrest you, but I'm going to give you a warning instead.

Speaker 142 Wow.

Speaker 135 What else do we got what else do we got up our sleeves over there

Speaker 73 no don't do don't do mark

Speaker 134 don't do mark

Speaker 14 oh what else you gotta do

Speaker 146 oh i can do an african accent

Speaker 70 yeah

Speaker 65 oh yeah oh yeah

Speaker 146 i actually was practicing this earlier um i was thinking what if i like What if I was to narrate a documentary about your life?

Speaker 74 Me? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 104 You know? In an African accent?

Speaker 14 Absolutely. Okay.

Speaker 75 Let's hear it.

Speaker 67 All right, here we go.

Speaker 31 Here is Tony.

Speaker 148 A gay man.

Speaker 72 You know what? I changed my mind.

Speaker 43 You're under arrest.

Speaker 15 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 24 How dare you?

Speaker 65 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 29 No, I just said it like that.

Speaker 101 That's so fun, Jim.

Speaker 70 I love that.

Speaker 5 What else about your life?

Speaker 92 Tell us more, Jim. You have a girlfriend, you said?

Speaker 42 Yes, yes, I do. What does she do?

Speaker 146 She's a personal trainer, actually.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 102 So she's in good shape?

Speaker 146 Exactly.

Speaker 102 Amazing.

Speaker 69 How long have you been with her?

Speaker 43 Five years now.

Speaker 42 Did you meet her at the gym?

Speaker 146 No, I didn't, actually. We met on Hinge.

Speaker 146 Dating app designed to be deleted. Thanks.

Speaker 40 It worked for me.

Speaker 23 Where'd you go on your first date?

Speaker 146 She came to my house, actually, for our first date, and we went like walking around the park and shit.

Speaker 146 That's about it. It was very boring, actually, our first time meeting each other.

Speaker 19 Did you hook up after that on that?

Speaker 146 No, she wasn't trying to do it. She's a good girl, Tony.

Speaker 36 Right.

Speaker 42 Well, you were probably also drenched in sweat.

Speaker 143 You were probably wetter than she was on that first time.

Speaker 150 Probably.

Speaker 57 Probably.

Speaker 39 She was like, uh-uh, nigga, right?

Speaker 23 Now, is she just a light-skinned black woman or is she mixed 50-50?

Speaker 6 No, she's like, well,

Speaker 146 she's everything.

Speaker 146 She's Trinidadian, Belize.

Speaker 23 She's under arrest, too.

Speaker 32 I don't like the answers I'm getting here.

Speaker 93 Wow, Jim, you ever have a near-death experience?

Speaker 147 Um

Speaker 107 yeah.

Speaker 107 No, come on.

Speaker 107 Oh

Speaker 146 near-death, yeah. I mean, kind of almost died, but I had to get I had an abscess that got infected and it was closing up my tubes.

Speaker 124 It was kind of

Speaker 25 like that.

Speaker 80 Let me ask you a different question.

Speaker 39 Yeah, I didn't like that one.

Speaker 48 What scares you? What are you afraid of?

Speaker 80 What genuine...

Speaker 21 Knives. Tell me more about knives.

Speaker 146 I'm scared of knives because I got circumcised in Africa when I was 16.

Speaker 65 Whoa,

Speaker 40 in African circumcision.

Speaker 53 That sounds like the near-death experience.

Speaker 146 I was hesitating about saying it, but yeah.

Speaker 85 My goodness.

Speaker 54 They use a knife, a regular knife, on 16-year-old Africans when they need like a samurai sword or something like that?

Speaker 14 Butter knife? A machete.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 146 No, more like a machete. My dad actually got his cut with with his machete.

Speaker 85 Really?

Speaker 146 Because like I did my shit.

Speaker 112 At John?

Speaker 114 No.

Speaker 70 On two tit. No.

Speaker 39 Cotit. But no, anyway.

Speaker 20 What do you remember about that?

Speaker 19 That had to be totally traumatizing.

Speaker 49 A 16-year-old going in for a circumcision.

Speaker 146 Yeah, it was December 25th, 2009, on Christmas.

Speaker 39 Wow. Exactly.

Speaker 146 No, I got eight shots of anesthesia. You got what? I got eight shots of anesthesia to my dick.

Speaker 40 Eight shots of anesthesia.

Speaker 146 They went around four times. They checked, and I could still feel it.

Speaker 39 And then they went around another four. Listen, I ain't gonna lie.

Speaker 146 Like, I couldn't scream because my dad told me not to be a bitch, but my dick let out like a eh.

Speaker 70 Amazing.

Speaker 14 Like, my dick was done, you know?

Speaker 53 Is this when you started doing voices?

Speaker 39 Yeah, my dick was the first one.

Speaker 36 It was the first.

Speaker 90 Thank you.

Speaker 39 But my dick grew. It got bigger after that.

Speaker 80 It did. It was was swelling.

Speaker 107 Ah.

Speaker 146 Swelling into scarring. So now I got ripped for her pleasure and shit.

Speaker 14 Hell yeah. Naturally.

Speaker 19 Absolutely.

Speaker 146 I'll take that back. Don't show it on TV.

Speaker 107 Okay. Amazing.

Speaker 146 I want to show this to my mom when she's watching this. Sorry, mom.

Speaker 150 That's right.

Speaker 23 Where's your mom watching from?

Speaker 30 Where's she at?

Speaker 146 Right now, she's in South Florida.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 93 And she took you for the 16-year-old circumcision?

Speaker 146 Nah, nigga, I did that myself.

Speaker 52 You just went on your own?

Speaker 146 I asked the doctor. I just made sure that my sister could take me to the actual hospital, but no, I did that myself.
It was cheap. It was like $39.99.
Plus a sec.

Speaker 90 Wow.

Speaker 49 Eight shots of anesthesia.

Speaker 92 And your sister took you.

Speaker 101 Her name's also Anesthesia.

Speaker 38 Close. It's Niassa.
So yeah.

Speaker 39 Really? Yeah, swear to God. Wow.

Speaker 101 Incredible.

Speaker 151 Well, Jim Telly, fun times.

Speaker 102 Fun set.

Speaker 93 I think you did it.

Speaker 42 Did you get a big joke book last time?

Speaker 102 I did.

Speaker 43 Well, then there you go.

Speaker 29 Keep working on it.

Speaker 84 Come back again, Jim Tally.

Speaker 98 Look at this.

Speaker 13 We're having a good time.

Speaker 40 Which is also the name of Dusty Slice podcast.

Speaker 84 And it's also what's happening right now.

Speaker 16 All right, your next bucket pull looks like a new one.

Speaker 50 Make some noise for Hal Soddy, everybody.

Speaker 56 Hal Soddy.

Speaker 125 I got circumcised in Costa Rica.

Speaker 125 I used to sound like a girl when I was growing up. Then my balls dropped.
Now I sound like a woman.

Speaker 125 It's actually one of the reasons people would call me gay. So I stopped talking.

Speaker 125 Yeah, they can't call you a sissy if you don't say anything.

Speaker 69 Oh, yes, they can.

Speaker 125 So I stopped talking. I stopped smiling.
I stopped fucking dudes.

Speaker 125 What else does a guy need to do, you know?

Speaker 147 All right,

Speaker 78 I guess that's all I wanted to do.

Speaker 43 Meow, huh?

Speaker 122 It's another 15 seconds if you got anything else.

Speaker 125 Oh, let's see.

Speaker 68 I'm not a political guy.

Speaker 125 But actually my liberal friends, they annoy me a lot, and my conservative friends, they annoy me just as much. But what I think is cool about that is that you all thought I had friends.

Speaker 149 There it is. Hal Saddy.

Speaker 149 Oh, yeah, Hal.

Speaker 49 Welcome to the show.

Speaker 40 Is this your first time on? Yes.

Speaker 29 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 125 About six years over a span of 12.

Speaker 37 12 years.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 125 I quit a couple times. Right.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 93 Right. What made you quit?

Speaker 125 I got tired of repeating my jokes and I started doing improv and I thought that was fun.

Speaker 42 It was? Then what happened?

Speaker 125 Then I liked stand-up more.

Speaker 104 Right.

Speaker 104 And here you are.

Speaker 102 You live in Austin now? Yes, sir.

Speaker 36 For how long?

Speaker 137 About three years.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 92 You moved here for stand-up?

Speaker 74 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 39 How's it going?

Speaker 60 It's been pretty good.

Speaker 80 What do you do for work? I'm a web developer.

Speaker 60 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 68 How long have you been doing that?

Speaker 125 About 13 years.

Speaker 143 And you're fully employed?

Speaker 31 I'm self-employed, yeah.

Speaker 74 All right. Perfect.

Speaker 32 Al-Sadi.

Speaker 138 What's the name Hal Sadi?

Speaker 23 What is that?

Speaker 125 So it's my name is actually Halil, but I shortened it, and it's Arabic.

Speaker 125 What kind of Arabic?

Speaker 125 My family's Lebanese.

Speaker 74 Oh, okay.

Speaker 105 Yeah. Very cool.
I love it.

Speaker 53 Do you always open your set with that circumcision joke or was that?

Speaker 91 No, that was just resting on the guy.

Speaker 53 I thought that was a weird coincidence.

Speaker 69 Did you do it at Costa Rica?

Speaker 39 Yeah, I grew up in Costa Rica.

Speaker 39 So you really did?

Speaker 70 Yeah, I heard it.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 92 Interesting.

Speaker 97 Was there anything odd about your circumcision?

Speaker 125 I was a baby, so.

Speaker 22 They do it differently in Costa Rica?

Speaker 125 They probably ate it. I don't know.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 128 How's your girth?

Speaker 39 Okay. Red band.

Speaker 149 Red band.

Speaker 4 Come on, red band.

Speaker 140 That's pretty thin.

Speaker 92 Interesting. So tell us something

Speaker 40 interesting about your life, Hal.

Speaker 125 I hear the sounds of flies in my head.

Speaker 39 Okay,

Speaker 31 all right.

Speaker 70 Explain that a little bit better for us.

Speaker 125 In Costa Rica, there's a lot of bugs, so I always hated that.

Speaker 53 So when I moved here,

Speaker 125 I always make...

Speaker 125 There's one rule in my house. It's always to close the door, because that's how they get in.

Speaker 124 Right.

Speaker 36 Okay, that is how they get in.

Speaker 53 You hear these flies all the time?

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 43 You hear them right now? Yeah.

Speaker 39 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 33 Well, because of the noise.

Speaker 75 Yeah, but seriously, you don't.

Speaker 125 Sometimes I get PTSD from it because if there was a time like multiple flies got into my house and I just kept getting like

Speaker 125 looking all over the place hearing flies. Yeah.

Speaker 53 Wow. So you hear them when they're there.

Speaker 87 It's actually a positive thing.

Speaker 115 Yeah, yeah, it dude.

Speaker 125 Sometimes, yeah.

Speaker 101 I think we all suffer from that.

Speaker 14 Do you need medication or something?

Speaker 69 What was that? Do you need medication and there is something?

Speaker 103 I think so, yeah.

Speaker 153 Dang.

Speaker 151 You married? You have a girlfriend? I'm married, yeah. Married?

Speaker 104 You have kids?

Speaker 125 No kids, just two dogs.

Speaker 19 Two dogs.

Speaker 80 Okay, you love your dogs.

Speaker 36 I love my dogs.

Speaker 125 What kind of dogs do you have? They're mutts. They're ones like a...
They're both pit bull mixes.

Speaker 36 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 43 That's a ticking time bomb.

Speaker 17 There must be more to you, Hal.

Speaker 102 What else?

Speaker 49 You have any big passions?

Speaker 101 You collect like locomotives or something?

Speaker 125 I do like trains, yeah.

Speaker 68 I uh

Speaker 125 trying to think. Uh

Speaker 125 you know what?

Speaker 125 I had like stuff that I would prepare, and then when I got here, they all it just went away.

Speaker 80 They just flew out of your head.

Speaker 70 It was the fly.

Speaker 147 Yeah, with the flash.

Speaker 39 Yeah, so fly.

Speaker 128 Do you like fire trucks more than trains?

Speaker 70 Okay.

Speaker 125 Do I look autistic?

Speaker 39 That's why.

Speaker 100 A little bit. There's no touch.

Speaker 75 A little touch.

Speaker 39 Okay, Red Banner.

Speaker 5 All right, Hal.

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 49 here's a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 15 There he goes. Hal Soti.

Speaker 22 We're having fun.

Speaker 49 You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 72 Here's another bucket pull for us, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 50 Make some noise for Trip Callahan, everyone.

Speaker 127 Trip Callahan.

Speaker 130 Oh, my God. Guys.
I saw Target. They got in trouble for selling tuck-friendly bikinis to children.
I guess like like a bikini with a little pouch where you can tuck the dick.

Speaker 130 At first I thought it was weird, but then I realized it was probably even more weird to be against it.

Speaker 130 Because basically what you're saying, if your son's wearing a bikini, then I want to see the cock.

Speaker 130 Yeah, dude, your kid can't be trans unless it's fucking swinging.

Speaker 130 I got weird opinions on everything. I still think race matters a lot.

Speaker 38 Like, for example, a white lab, that's a great dog.

Speaker 132 A black lab is also a great dog.

Speaker 130 But a Chinese lab, that will shut down the world economy.

Speaker 130 I am against racism, though. Like, there's nothing I love more than when a racist gets poetic justice.

Speaker 130 Like, whenever I see a racist white chick, I always secretly hope she gets fat.

Speaker 130 Yeah, because then she has to fuck black dudes.

Speaker 118 So

Speaker 25 Great set. Welcome, Trip.

Speaker 130 I did it like once a year in college, but like four years.

Speaker 154 Four years.

Speaker 80 Where at?

Speaker 130 Pittsburgh and then here.

Speaker 151 Awesome. How long have you been here?

Speaker 130 Like a year and a half or so.

Speaker 62 Awesome.

Speaker 155 What do you do for work?

Speaker 38 HEP, bro.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 72 In the good lords we trust

Speaker 32 the one true God who watches over us, Lord HEB.

Speaker 18 We were literally talking about it before the show in the green room.

Speaker 47 If you're wondering what we're talking about, we're talking about fucking little H-E-B tricks that people don't even know.

Speaker 27 Red Band, would you like to tell the crowd what you informed us here just this evening, not even fucking an hour ago?

Speaker 31 You know, if you buy crabs or snow crab legs, you just take them to them and they will boil it for you with a different kind of seasoning for free while you're shopping.

Speaker 62 So if you get crabs or lobsters, you go, you know what?

Speaker 141 Now cook it for me.

Speaker 110 While I go shop, I'm going to come back and pick up the crab legs the way I fucking want them.

Speaker 82 But I mean, I wouldn't recommend talking to the people like this, but it's more like in your head, you know what I mean?

Speaker 43 You're like, please and thank you in real life, but in your head, you know they're just fucking cooking them for you.

Speaker 121 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 32 Is this a a true fact? Do you work at HEB?

Speaker 130 Yeah, dude. I work in like produce.
I got like Happy Gilmore's job, basically.

Speaker 39 Wow. Incredible.

Speaker 45 So tell us more about your life at H-E-B. We love H-E-B.

Speaker 97 It's a dream sponsor.

Speaker 41 It's from Shirts Right Around the Corner.

Speaker 69 Well, it's not that bad, actually.

Speaker 130 I'm stocking shelves. I'm moving around pallets.

Speaker 126 And then sometimes they put me in the back with like the Mexicans and I chop up fruit and stuff.

Speaker 90 Ooh, okay.

Speaker 32 Yeah, sounds racist, but it all checks out.

Speaker 115 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 130 I'm like the only white white person on my team, so it rules.

Speaker 74 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 40 Let me ask you something.

Speaker 22 There was a very controversial case.

Speaker 36 A young man, a young autistic boy recently was working at a grocery store, and they caught him eating a little bit of the, what they call, what would they call that, go backs or like the fruit cups or something?

Speaker 62 It was like outdated

Speaker 18 kind of stuff.

Speaker 32 I once worked at a grocery store when I was 16 years old.

Speaker 45 Giant Eagle in Yonks.

Speaker 58 Big Bear Kroger guy.

Speaker 100 Whoa, we remember both of of these places very clearly.

Speaker 81 Two Ohio-based, extremely prolific grocery stores, nowhere near to the good lords at HEB.

Speaker 39 But how do you bend the rules?

Speaker 54 You ever take an old magazine?

Speaker 47 Because there's a lot of things that go on at grocery stores that you people don't even think about.

Speaker 122 You non-GS.

Speaker 130 Well, we can take like...

Speaker 130 I do like, we can take like the fruit. We just have to say we're sampling it so we're like, can give the customer a better experience.

Speaker 139 So you're kind of allowed to at H-E-B, which rules.

Speaker 157 A lot better than whatever the fuck that.

Speaker 130 Do you remember what that one was?

Speaker 91 No, I don't. Oh, it was.

Speaker 41 I do. I do almost remember.
It was

Speaker 117 Ralph's.

Speaker 52 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 74 It doesn't really matter.

Speaker 77 No, it was. What was it?

Speaker 116 That was Wire.

Speaker 58 Yes. I got caught shoplifting there.

Speaker 101 Very controversial.

Speaker 77 You got caught shoplifting?

Speaker 39 Yeah. What did you shop?

Speaker 60 You got the embarrassing thing I ever.

Speaker 5 It was.

Speaker 15 No, it was what's fucking

Speaker 128 Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack and

Speaker 87 one of the Apollo App Duel albums.

Speaker 128 I guess there was two different ones.

Speaker 58 It was the red one, I think.

Speaker 122 I thought I was the gay one on the show.

Speaker 16 Jeez, what do I have to gain weight to balance this?

Speaker 92 We're supposed to play our characters.

Speaker 43 Unbelievable.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 40 So tell us more about H-E-B.

Speaker 32 Tell us

Speaker 105 what we...

Speaker 52 It's clean, right?

Speaker 130 Yeah, it's pretty clean.

Speaker 38 Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 130 It's kind of just a like manual labor job.

Speaker 74 It's not that hard, but.

Speaker 60 No, we know. We know.

Speaker 113 Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 74 But

Speaker 130 I mean, I like it. It's bad.
I worked in sales before. I hated that, dude.
So I actually don't mind it.

Speaker 28 Wow.

Speaker 130 It's not that funny.

Speaker 103 Sorry, guys.

Speaker 39 Dusty of you.

Speaker 53 Well, I would just want, like, you, like, you dress like Adam Sandler and you have the job of Happy Gilmore. Are there other Adam Sandler things you do in your life?

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 32 is it true that you're still in fourth grade

Speaker 74 reading level but yeah dude no uh dude i play golf i think that's adam sandler yeah that counts yeah i'm not good though dude i love it okay

Speaker 130 trip what else what else about you tell us something crazy about your life that makes you different than everybody else well i knew uh when i was growing up i knew a guy who tried to become a serial killer oh tell us more he only got to two he like failed he got caught but uh

Speaker 108 yeah.

Speaker 53 Two's not bad, though.

Speaker 6 Not bad.

Speaker 65 He's all right.

Speaker 53 He's serial.

Speaker 38 He went to the other high school in my area.

Speaker 87 He was like this fat Jewish rapper.

Speaker 130 And he would show up at parties in freestyle or whatever. He wasn't good, but like...
But then when we went off to college, he started doing heroin.

Speaker 130 And he like took more than the recommended dose or whatever.

Speaker 38 So,

Speaker 38 yeah,

Speaker 38 he OD'd.

Speaker 130 They bring him back. and

Speaker 130 like his brain was all fucked up. Also, turn him into like a gay homosexual.

Speaker 16 And he was like, that's what happened to me.

Speaker 130 Yeah, and he wasn't happy about it, man. Because imagine you're doing heroin, which is like awesome.
And the next time you wake up, you can't come without getting fucked in the ass.

Speaker 24 Whoa. Yeah.

Speaker 130 So then he was really mad about it. He started killing gay guys.

Speaker 110 That's who he was killing?

Speaker 130 Yeah, other gay guys.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 53 But gay guys he went on dates with.

Speaker 130 yeah yeah well the one not really like this is like revenge a little bit man well the one guy he met on a dating app this is how he got caught he uber to the guy's house walked in shot him walked back out ubered home

Speaker 130 so i i think it left like a paper trail or something did a little heroin

Speaker 69 wow bad date yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 75 amazing

Speaker 49 i can't believe the jewish serial killer used uber not lift good point

Speaker 9 He's paying dollars more.

Speaker 103 Yeah, he didn't tip the guy much.

Speaker 65 I don't think.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Trip, is your real name?

Speaker 130 No, my real name's Joseph, but I've been called Trip since I was a baby.

Speaker 138 Why did they call you Trip?

Speaker 130 Uh, because I'm like the third, so like Triple. It's like if a black dude's name like Trey, it's sometimes the same thing.

Speaker 39 Oh, yeah, totally the same thing.

Speaker 119 I don't know.

Speaker 82 Martin trips all the time.

Speaker 58 Everybody calls him Martin.

Speaker 103 I should be tripped.

Speaker 14 I should be tripping.

Speaker 77 I love it, Trip.

Speaker 16 Well, you had a great set.

Speaker 143 It was a very fun, very fun interview.

Speaker 23 Great stuff, man.

Speaker 135 Come back, sign up again.

Speaker 26 All right, let's do something special here, everyone.

Speaker 16 You may have been paying attention to this storyline, but a couple months ago, I lost

Speaker 50 a real big Texas Hold'em heads-up poker match

Speaker 50 and I have to finish paying off my debt.

Speaker 55 This is my final debt, is this spot.

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Speaker 159 So if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place. Thanks, apartments.com for sponsoring the podcast.

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Speaker 50 I'm gonna bring to this stage a very funny man.

Speaker 51 He's just starting out in stand-up comedy, but he is literally the number one ranked heads-up Texas hold'em poker player in the world.

Speaker 144 He lives here in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 16 Make some noise for his second-ever minute on Kiltoni.

Speaker 56 This is Doug Polk, everybody. Doug Polk.

Speaker 163 I'm a professional poker player, but this show changed my life.

Speaker 154 Since my first appearance, my DMs have been flooded with dick pics.

Speaker 85 Tony, can you please stop?

Speaker 154 I have a wife and kids.

Speaker 78 And besides, I only asked for one.

Speaker 28 I was at the store the other day and was denied beer because apparently you can't buy alcohol before 10 a.m.

Speaker 154 in Texas. It's a dumb law, right? But the crazy part, these were non-alcoholic beers.

Speaker 154 When you're buying non-alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning, you know you're a pretty serious non-alcoholic.

Speaker 103 You know when I knew?

Speaker 154 I had a late night out drinking. When I woke up the next morning, I could remember everything.

Speaker 163 It's getting pretty bad.

Speaker 154 I think it might be time to join Non-Alcoholics Anonymous. Can you imagine that? Hi, everybody.
I'm Doug

Speaker 7 I don't have any problems it's a 0.0 step program it's just so nice not to take any daily steps am I right Red Band

Speaker 135 big close on the Red Band the slow head shake from red band always makes me laugh

Speaker 17 Doug fun time sorry about the dick pics

Speaker 22 that was a fun set

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 154 I heard a, so I came in with the dick picks jokes, and then the first guy talked about dick pics, and the second guy talked about dick pics. I'm like, god damn.

Speaker 138 It's going to be a tough day.

Speaker 41 Every once in a while, a premise just goes through on and on.

Speaker 77 Usually it's jerking off and this and that, but it's a special dick pic episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 48 I think Glory Holes have also gotten two mentions here tonight.

Speaker 63 But anything can happen.

Speaker 41 You never know what's going to happen.

Speaker 23 But the non-alcoholics thing, interesting, right?

Speaker 101 Kind of like a normal, regular attempt at a premise.

Speaker 92 Like, it's it's tricky.

Speaker 41 Is this true that you're addicted to non-alcoholic beer?

Speaker 154 Well, so I was at the store and we were at like Whole Foods and we were checking out and I go through like I'll be drinking or not drinking and I was like, I'll just grab some non-alcoholic beers.

Speaker 154 And it was 9.48 a.m. at Whole Foods.

Speaker 127 And they're just like, oh, sorry, we can't sell you these.

Speaker 39 Whole Foods, boo,

Speaker 115 man. Sorry, HEB, HEB.

Speaker 16 This is an HEB-exclusive audience.

Speaker 150 Even the people visiting visiting have bent the knee to the dark lords of HEB.

Speaker 100 Does Nashville have a killer grocery store?

Speaker 53 Nashville?

Speaker 38 I don't think.

Speaker 53 I mean, you know, we have Publix. Publix is good.

Speaker 115 Oh, some real pop for Publix here. Publix is what's up.

Speaker 53 Where shopping's a pleasure, they say.

Speaker 20 Martin, where do you do your shopping?

Speaker 46 Walmart.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 63 A-T-B.

Speaker 134 All right, H-E-B.

Speaker 66 I'm still kind of poor.

Speaker 53 I wanted to say, it feels like buying non-alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning is a worse problem

Speaker 53 than buying regular beer.

Speaker 53 Because they're just like, why?

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 163 They're both problems, but they're different.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 53 But one seems worse to me.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 53 Like you. You're like, I want to get started, but I got stuff to do.

Speaker 165 Do you ever feel a buzz off on non-alcoholic beers?

Speaker 154 No, no, I don't think so.

Speaker 166 No.

Speaker 154 I'm not the actual expert. I guess I should have maybe clarified that.

Speaker 75 No, it's okay.

Speaker 32 An interesting fun fact about Doug is that he's so good at poker that he's kind of awkward at anything else.

Speaker 134 I don't know if you guys have ever seen like Magnus Carlson talk or anything or really anybody.

Speaker 123 None of them really make many public appearances when you're a freak sabant.

Speaker 80 Fun fact about Doug Polk is you have about 10 or 15 minutes to beat him in poker.

Speaker 143 And at that point, he's already figured out where you look, where you blink, what you sound like, what you do, and every single thing that changes.

Speaker 23 So I know you think that you'd have a chance against him, but you really don't.

Speaker 62 But you do in the first 10 or 15 minutes.

Speaker 129 And then after that.

Speaker 154 Yeah, well, the beautiful thing about poker is that there's a lot of luck, right? Because if you play Magnus Carlson in chess, he's just going to crush you.

Speaker 154 But in poker, anyone can win, which is good. But the pros obviously win in the long run.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 30 It's freaky. Yeah.

Speaker 53 Would you say that you have to know when to hold him and know when to fold them?

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 78 There's a lot of truth to that song.

Speaker 146 For sure.

Speaker 19 And tell us,

Speaker 43 how are you doing?

Speaker 60 How's poker been going?

Speaker 45 Update these people of what your life is like.

Speaker 154 Yeah, so I'm looking at my worst year ever this year.

Speaker 154 Yeah, I'm down like 700K.

Speaker 102 Only $700,000 every month.

Speaker 66 Kilda Eba.

Speaker 43 We'll get them there.

Speaker 154 We'll get them there. I I know which one's worse.

Speaker 79 700K.

Speaker 62 Yeah, no doubt about it.

Speaker 44 So what is your plan to win back this money?

Speaker 154 Well, I'm going to, I guess, play more poker. Yeah.
That's kind of all you got, you know?

Speaker 62 Is there a reason why you're having a bad year? Is it just bad luck?

Speaker 32 Is it post-flop chaos?

Speaker 43 Are you in with the right odds?

Speaker 30 Getting your steps in.

Speaker 67 Are you misreading?

Speaker 129 Oh, look who's getting his revenge now that he knows you're down 700K.

Speaker 154 I think a little bit of it is I've been kind of focusing more on comedy and stuff like that and you know hanging out with some of the guys here or whatever.

Speaker 58 Yeah, we're a bad influence.

Speaker 154 Yeah, well, obviously I'm the one that's doing badly, but I've been hanging out with like Uncle Lazer and

Speaker 145 that's a

Speaker 65 fuck dude

Speaker 43 You're getting non-alcoholic beer and then hanging out with Uncle Laser?

Speaker 16 That's even worse.

Speaker 127 Even D-Madness is like, I'm out of here, dude.

Speaker 5 This is some bullshit.

Speaker 154 He actually, he had me come open for him the other day.

Speaker 68 Uncle Laser. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 154 Like a show here in Austin, yeah. I put on my nicest wife beater.

Speaker 37 That's great.

Speaker 49 You know, what I just realized is Chris Celio on this episode, D-Madness on this episode.

Speaker 23 We have a big blind and a small blind here as well.

Speaker 56 One more thing.

Speaker 93 See the worlds they cross over.

Speaker 23 One angry man just staring at me right into my eyes.

Speaker 36 He did not like that joke.

Speaker 151 Doug, fun times.

Speaker 17 It's a fucking, it's a process, stand-up comedy.

Speaker 123 You came out and you nailed the joke on me.

Speaker 165 You closed with the red band thing, the non-alcoholic.

Speaker 32 I agree with Dusty.

Speaker 41 I think that it's worth examining, kind of like

Speaker 36 flipping that,

Speaker 59 if that makes sense, like flipping your take on it.

Speaker 45 Because it seems like you would be the craziest human being buying non-alcoholic beer that early in the morning, like you're trying to really chase some demon.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 32 But not at the same time.

Speaker 53 And 700K, you know, sometimes you got to know when to walk away and

Speaker 53 know when to run, you know.

Speaker 21 But Doug, it's been fun. We had fun playing poker that night.

Speaker 123 And you're a great human being and very, very fun to watch.

Speaker 129 Make sure you check out his streams and whatnot.

Speaker 72 Very entertaining.

Speaker 13 Like a freak athlete.

Speaker 12 This guy who beats the shit out of everybody.

Speaker 82 Even though he's 700K in the hole.

Speaker 129 But he's won millions and millions of millions before, so it sounds a lot sadder than it actually is.

Speaker 135 Are we still having fun out there, everybody?

Speaker 84 We're going back to the bucket, everyone.

Speaker 51 Make some noise for Matt Campbell. Matt Campbell.

Speaker 85 Hello.

Speaker 167 I'm English.

Speaker 167 Or as you lot like to call me, gay.

Speaker 167 Thank you for that.

Speaker 167 I had expectations when I came to this country, guys.

Speaker 28 Everything I learned about you lot is filtered through the media you send my way.

Speaker 167 So when I was coming up, high school musical coming out.

Speaker 132 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 167 An all-white basketball team won a state championship?

Speaker 38 Fuck right off.

Speaker 87 Yeah, I was also disappointed the sequel didn't involve a school shooting scene.

Speaker 167 I was completely unprepared for these high school drills, guys.

Speaker 167 You have to understand, I didn't know a shit about basketball.

Speaker 167 Fuck me, sideways.

Speaker 167 My dad's South African, which means I'm genetically racist.

Speaker 167 But he has a poster of Mandela.

Speaker 167 That's been my time.

Speaker 72 The cat was a little loud there.

Speaker 117 Would you say your dad is he's South African okay all right welcome welcome uh

Speaker 111 how long you been on stand-up

Speaker 167 almost five years all of it in England no I started in America Colorado okay what made you start in Colorado nasty breakup see you fell in love with an American girl I did moved to Colorado I know And how long were you in Colorado?

Speaker 156 I know that you know. I'm just

Speaker 135 keeping everybody together so the interview makes sense here.

Speaker 69 He's just peeling me apart, mate.

Speaker 91 I'm sorry.

Speaker 49 So how did you meet this American girl?

Speaker 31 Oh no, no, no. I moved out here well before that.

Speaker 167 My dad got a job when I was 15.

Speaker 167 And then I moved out here with him. He's not brave or anything.
He's not in the military. He's just like a tech support guy.

Speaker 27 We know. He's English.

Speaker 167 South African if he was paying attention.

Speaker 129 But he's a citizen of England, right?

Speaker 124 No.

Speaker 43 So he's just in England.

Speaker 167 He's American now.

Speaker 127 Oh, he lives in America. He went from South Africa to America.

Speaker 43 Yes. How did you end up in England?

Speaker 167 My mother's vagina.

Speaker 135 How did your dad end up in your mother's vagina if that was in England?

Speaker 99 He worked very, very hard.

Speaker 12 Did he visit England?

Speaker 39 A lot.

Speaker 71 Right.

Speaker 122 So your dad's been in England?

Speaker 167 Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah.

Speaker 31 But he never lived there?

Speaker 87 No, we lived there for a while.

Speaker 58 He lived there for a while. He never lived there.

Speaker 83 He just rewinded two minutes.

Speaker 153 You little fucking spermy British bastard.

Speaker 122 Coming in to have your moment.

Speaker 103 British comedian kills, killed Honor.

Speaker 58 Look at this clip.

Speaker 39 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 19 So Matt, what do you do for work?

Speaker 169 Valet, W Hotel.

Speaker 5 Wow, the W Hotel.

Speaker 96 You're not also picking up shifts at a Kluck House?

Speaker 167 No, but they desperately needed a diversity hire, and I was the best they could get.

Speaker 21 Of course.

Speaker 32 Yeah. Of course.

Speaker 31 Everybody loves that wacky accent.

Speaker 31 Sir, a valet, a job that absolutely will be taken over by robots in no time.

Speaker 167 I'm sorted.

Speaker 121 What's your big goal?

Speaker 5 What are you going to do?

Speaker 22 You focus on stand-up?

Speaker 77 You do a lot of spots. Yeah.
You love it.

Speaker 167 Going to Houston next month, but other than that, pretty good right now.

Speaker 45 What are you doing in Houston?

Speaker 31 Got a apparently a drug show.

Speaker 155 I don't do a lot of drugs, but I'm prepared.

Speaker 44 What are they gonna make you do?

Speaker 59 Smoke the devil's lettuce?

Speaker 85 Yes, for you.

Speaker 128 Really? Wow, you're right.

Speaker 167 My dad likes to call it the wacky baky, which is pretty fun.

Speaker 39 Wow.

Speaker 167 He's old. He's like near 70.
Wow.

Speaker 101 Those South Africans, they just fucking.

Speaker 21 They age like black dudes.

Speaker 167 It's great.

Speaker 170 It's amazing.

Speaker 125 They are from Africa.

Speaker 103 Yes.

Speaker 49 Have you spent any time in South Africa?

Speaker 28 Yeah, a couple trips.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Do you ever hear flies inside your head?

Speaker 167 No, no, no. Never flies inside my head.

Speaker 167 But I remember one trip, I went to visit my grandmother, and the most vivid memory I have of her is just her walking up to me and squashing a chameleon in front of me when I was four. Wow.

Speaker 38 Yeah, just with a big rock, 60-year-old grandma.

Speaker 53 Were you playing with the chameleon?

Speaker 167 No, I was just looking at it.

Speaker 70 Oh, wow. It's tragic.

Speaker 53 But you were looking at it, enjoying it.

Speaker 115 Yeah, I was happy in that moment.

Speaker 69 And she could see it.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 115 She knew.

Speaker 69 She knew. That's all the chameleon.
That's its fault.

Speaker 103 Well,

Speaker 69 Martin.

Speaker 25 Yeah, Diane.

Speaker 94 Martin. Martin, if you.

Speaker 167 Martin, if you know anything about South Africa, it was definitely the wrong color. Alright?

Speaker 66 That sounds like your grandma goes after a lot of chameleons, yes, yeah.

Speaker 39 Different colors, I guess.

Speaker 17 Matt Campbell, tell us something else wacky about your life, Matt.

Speaker 39 I went to an all-boys Catholic school in the UK.

Speaker 12 Hitting the old pipe.

Speaker 43 Celebrating his victory.

Speaker 43 No!

Speaker 102 So this girl in Colorado, she broke your heart?

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 93 Tell us about it.

Speaker 101 How did she break your heart?

Speaker 1 She had a fat ass.

Speaker 107 Oh.

Speaker 22 You don't find those in England.

Speaker 14 No.

Speaker 167 They look and sound like me, Tony.

Speaker 43 Oh, I know.

Speaker 145 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I know. We were just there.

Speaker 103 How was it? Did you enjoy it?

Speaker 39 No. Oh, it's funny.

Speaker 122 We literally hated everything about it.

Speaker 121 Worst week of our lives.

Speaker 171 Yeah, it was the worst.

Speaker 53 Were you thinking about doing comedy before the breakup or did you just run right out and do it?

Speaker 167 No, I've always kind of liked comedy, but I never got the balls.

Speaker 51 She discouraged?

Speaker 167 Yeah, no, she.

Speaker 167 It's not that she discouraged anything, it's just I sort of found nothing to care about after she gave that sweet pussy up.

Speaker 49 How did she let you know that she was breaking up with you?

Speaker 167 Oh, I found out she was texting a dude named Grandma.

Speaker 116 Ooh.

Speaker 15 Wow, turns out that grandma was crushing chameleons, too.

Speaker 85 I know.

Speaker 57 Wow.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 4 Damn.

Speaker 69 The old naughty grandma.

Speaker 167 She might as well have been.

Speaker 106 She was a little bit older than me.

Speaker 53 So she had it saved in her phone under grandma.

Speaker 167 It was under grandma.

Speaker 53 What kind of text was she sending to grandma?

Speaker 60 Filthy. Yeah.

Speaker 53 Filthy. Were you at first like, is this how you talk to your grandmother?

Speaker 108 No,

Speaker 131 I genuinely felt like.

Speaker 53 That's what Americans do with their grandparents.

Speaker 167 I genuinely felt like Sherlock Holmes when I figured it out.

Speaker 167 And then realized I'd been retarded the whole time.

Speaker 68 Just not lying.

Speaker 31 You're like, your grandma's up late.

Speaker 38 His grandma is really horny at 2 a.m.

Speaker 27 Was there a specific text or moment where you really figured it out?

Speaker 31 Did you? Yes.

Speaker 167 Yes. 7 o'clock in the morning.
Yeah.

Speaker 32 What was it?

Speaker 167 It was May 19th, 2021.

Speaker 46 Brutal, dude.

Speaker 58 Yes. Brutal.

Speaker 167 Just got out of the shower and she'd left her phone on the side. And grandma said, so when are you coming over?

Speaker 167 And coming was not spelled properly.

Speaker 70 Wow. Grandma's old.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 133 In that spell.

Speaker 53 Yeah, I'm not sure you made the right move here.

Speaker 4 Yeah, man.

Speaker 53 This sounds, when are you coming over? I mean, that's not as dirty as I was expecting.

Speaker 91 Two M's, mate.

Speaker 145 Well, I got, I'm from Alabama.

Speaker 53 I got relatives that can't smell.

Speaker 53 I mean, that's not the worst misspelling I've seen.

Speaker 53 Matt, Matt, Matt.

Speaker 42 So how did you handle this situation?

Speaker 92 Did you just...

Speaker 167 Had a quick spaz, immediately gave up, and then she started doing comedy.

Speaker 28 Did she omit it?

Speaker 167 Not immediately because she was like staring at Bible quotes, but like after we figured that out, you know?

Speaker 92 She was staring at Bible quotes?

Speaker 131 We took Jesus out of it, yeah.

Speaker 4 Out of the argument.

Speaker 2 What do you mean exactly?

Speaker 167 Well, like in the moment when I found her cheating on me, her phone, she was reading the Bible.

Speaker 46 Oh, that is the reddest flag humanly possible.

Speaker 69 So how did she talk to Jesus?

Speaker 98 Martin Phillips is on tour at MartinPhillipsComedy.com.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 151 My goodness. Did she have any text messages with Jesus in her phone, perhaps?

Speaker 167 I fucking hope not, man.

Speaker 116 I fucking hope not.

Speaker 36 Incredible, Matt.

Speaker 151 Well, fun times, my friend.

Speaker 27 You're doing it.

Speaker 22 You're chasing the American dream.

Speaker 12 God damn right.

Speaker 72 Congratulations. There's a big joke book.

Speaker 13 There he goes.

Speaker 72 Matt Campbell, everyone.

Speaker 29 I'm English, but my father's South African.

Speaker 17 All right, I have a feeling the tone's about to change tremendously in this room.

Speaker 50 Make some noise for mushroom mat, everyone.

Speaker 127 This uh

Speaker 56 there's mushroom mat.

Speaker 28 Alrighty, folks.

Speaker 31 So I'm a bartender, right?

Speaker 148 Make been bartending for over a decade. Make thousands of drinks.
I've made thousands of drinks.

Speaker 126 People order some weird ass shit.

Speaker 148 And I don't blink, but one thing does throw me off, though. And that's when people order their drinks virgin.

Speaker 148 I don't get it.

Speaker 126 I've never fucked a drink before serving it to a customer.

Speaker 136 You know, I don't pop the cherry before I garnish your Manhattan.

Speaker 148 I love alcohol, but I'm not going to stick my dick in your whiskey tonic.

Speaker 137 That's a health code violation.

Speaker 148 So, as a bartender, I've had a lot of different bar jobs, like a lot. I've worked at over 40 different restaurants.
My friends say I'm a bar slut.

Speaker 148 And you know, it's a good thing you can't catch an STD from working at a bunch of restaurants.

Speaker 126 Actually, I take that back.

Speaker 148 Don't sleep with the cocktail waitresses at P.F. Changs

Speaker 70 or Buffalo Wild Wings.

Speaker 148 They look fun, but it's not worth it.

Speaker 137 So did y'all hear...

Speaker 126 Okay, that's good.

Speaker 82 Did you want to finish it?

Speaker 102 Is it a quick one?

Speaker 91 Yeah, it's a quick one.

Speaker 104 Did y'all hear what?

Speaker 148 It's kind of stupid, but

Speaker 157 they're going to...

Speaker 148 Did you hear that they're going to deport everybody in Albuquerque and New Mexico?

Speaker 122 No. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 148 Trump says no more New Mexicans.

Speaker 43 Ah, got it.

Speaker 16 Got it. You're right.

Speaker 32 Dumb as fuck, that joke is.

Speaker 43 Welcome, Mushroom Matt.

Speaker 23 That's going fun times, Mushroom Matt.

Speaker 32 There's a lady that just got murdered in the middle of the room.

Speaker 5 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 102 Did you really get STDs from PF Chang's BW3s?

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 31 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 74 Wow.

Speaker 39 What kind of STDs are we talking about?

Speaker 148 Chlamydia.

Speaker 39 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 148 I've had chlamydia twice, one from my high school sweetheart, and then once from the girl at PF Chang's. Wow.

Speaker 53 That's why everyone's ordering virgin drinks from

Speaker 148 I make a mean spicy martini.

Speaker 74 Wow.

Speaker 48 The non-alcoholic beverages jokes are really flying tonight.

Speaker 70 I gotta tell you.

Speaker 32 How long you been bartending, Mushroom Matt?

Speaker 148 10 years or 9.

Speaker 39 How long is it coming up Monday?

Speaker 137 So I started three years ago.

Speaker 148 I took like an intermission and then like I moved out here like six months ago and I've been going pretty hard since I moved out here.

Speaker 36 Uh-oh. What are you laughing so hard on over here?

Speaker 90 Fuck.

Speaker 21 Took an intermission.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 21 What do you mean by an intermission?

Speaker 156 I don't know.

Speaker 148 Somebody close to me died and I kind of just stopped doing it for a while.

Speaker 32 Who was it? Who died?

Speaker 148 Her name was Nina. She had a Bentin L O D.

Speaker 126 I knew her since I was 12. She was like my high school sweetheart.

Speaker 39 Oh, of course.

Speaker 14 She gave you chlamydia.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Is she the one that gave you chlamydia?

Speaker 113 I don't want to put her on blast, but...

Speaker 156 Well, you can't put her on blast anymore, my friend.

Speaker 67 It's all good now.

Speaker 62 She's in a place where chlamydia doesn't exist.

Speaker 68 I hope so.

Speaker 137 Yeah, I really hope so.

Speaker 59 Did you say you've worked at 40 restaurants? Yeah.

Speaker 53 Yeah, I've been at it. Nine years.
Yeah.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 126 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.

Speaker 38 It's like...

Speaker 53 You're not that good at it.

Speaker 156 It's like the restaurant industry is weird, dude.

Speaker 148 Like, there's places you'll go and you'll work. And like, after a month, you're like, oh, shit, this place sucks.
Like, they lie to you. And then, like, you start working for them.

Speaker 148 And then, like, you end up getting screwed. And then you're like, okay, this isn't worth it.
Then you jump to another, jump to another. It takes a while to like find a good spot.

Speaker 126 But once you find a good spot, you stay there for a while.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 87 So have you been dabbling in some serious drugs, Mushroom Matt?

Speaker 32 Go by the name Mushroom Matt.

Speaker 148 I am a big fan of mushrooms. We talked about it last time.
I've even announced before.

Speaker 102 Oh, yeah, that's crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 39 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 113 Absolutely.

Speaker 126 I love mushrooms.

Speaker 148 I actually give them out to comedians that I like because I have a lot of them, so I just give them out. Not psychedelic.

Speaker 154 They're truffles.

Speaker 77 What does that mean?

Speaker 23 What's the difference?

Speaker 148 No,

Speaker 148 I don't want to get in trouble.

Speaker 126 It's Texas, you know.

Speaker 150 It's okay.

Speaker 62 You've already said enough.

Speaker 24 Go on.

Speaker 126 For sure.

Speaker 42 So what's the difference between psychic?

Speaker 32 Oh, you're saying.

Speaker 15 Okay, so you are.

Speaker 134 All right, I got you.

Speaker 148 Okay, yes. Okay, excellent.

Speaker 39 Do you like me?

Speaker 113 Dude, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 65 You're fucking dope, man.

Speaker 69 Talk to me, dude.

Speaker 96 This guy's gonna be tripping all over town.

Speaker 70 Yes.

Speaker 85 Mushroom mat.

Speaker 77 So, but other than mushrooms, what other drugs have you done?

Speaker 136 I liked, oh, that like a lot.

Speaker 148 I don't know. Like, when I was 19, I was pretty hardcore drug user, and then like I stopped doing hard drugs.

Speaker 39 Like heroin?

Speaker 148 Like

Speaker 148 everything. Like I've done everything.

Speaker 53 A bit of an intermission.

Speaker 69 Yes, yes.

Speaker 148 You know, maybe when I get older, like

Speaker 126 late ages, I'll do hard drugs.

Speaker 148 But like when I'm young, I kind of want to try to preserve my youth and use my time as wisely as I can.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 69 I feel like it's too late for you, man.

Speaker 85 Yeah, fuck, man.

Speaker 40 You really think you've worked at 40 restaurants?

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 32 How fast do you think you can name the

Speaker 60 how many? So here we go.

Speaker 78 Chubby.

Speaker 129 Give me a little restaurant name and music here, John D's.

Speaker 43 One, two, one, two, three, four.

Speaker 130 Chubby's on Broadway, P.F.

Speaker 152 Changs, Sailor Jax.

Speaker 152 Fuck, dude, it's distracting.

Speaker 152 Sailor Jax,

Speaker 130 Westside Bistro.

Speaker 74 Fuck, guys.

Speaker 141 It's over.

Speaker 72 You're fired again.

Speaker 51 You're fired.

Speaker 57 I can do it.

Speaker 14 Fuck, dude, that was hard, man.

Speaker 148 I could, like, I have worked at a lot of restaurants, restaurants, but, like, it takes, like, I don't know, that was very

Speaker 148 intimidating.

Speaker 53 How many different Buffalo Wild Wings?

Speaker 126 Just one. Just the one.

Speaker 148 It wasn't bad as a bartender. You know, you'd make like two to three hundred dollars a night.
Not bad. Yeah.
It seems like one of the lower end jobs, but they pay you at the end of the night.

Speaker 148 It's chilling.

Speaker 22 Was there ever a time where you got fired and you didn't deserve it?

Speaker 152 Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, God, yes, dude.

Speaker 23 So,

Speaker 163 okay,

Speaker 163 like, you guys can probably tell this.

Speaker 80 I have like a lot of energy, right?

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 31 You have former drug user energy.

Speaker 32 You've seen this before.

Speaker 20 A lot of great comedians haven't.

Speaker 32 A lot of great comedians used to do fucking serious drugs.

Speaker 96 I'm not saying you're one of these great comedians.

Speaker 32 I'm just saying that it's a thing that our friends have in common.

Speaker 96 Tim Dylan, Theo, all these guys have fucked up.

Speaker 148 I love Tim Dylan.

Speaker 31 Party to the absolute limits.

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 137 So

Speaker 148 fuck, what was I saying?

Speaker 58 There it is.

Speaker 64 There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 22 Confirmation that indeed.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 148 Fuck, I lost my train of thought.

Speaker 19 Have you ever been fired and didn't deserve it?

Speaker 148 Okay, so I have a lot of energy and like I use the restroom a lot and that like I have a really nervous jet.

Speaker 7 It looks bad, right?

Speaker 38 It looks bad.

Speaker 163 Like I've literally been fired from three different jobs because they thought I was like doing Coke and like I.

Speaker 21 Talk right into the tip.

Speaker 106 We can hear your heartbeat.

Speaker 31 Keep it up there.

Speaker 148 I've been filed for multiple different restaurants because I have like a lot of energy and I use the restroom a lot and it just comes off like i'm doing blow but i don't always do blow at work you know

Speaker 53 would you say you have more energy right after you pee um

Speaker 126 uh it's like i mean usually in pretty yeah no less because i'm in a rush to get to the bathroom so i'm like you know

Speaker 53 really jonesing for the bathroom yes yeah

Speaker 69 I think you're up coke right now.

Speaker 120 See, that's what my manager's saying.

Speaker 126 I'm like, nah, dude, I'm just like this, man.

Speaker 39 Like, fuck.

Speaker 53 You should do Coke for the interview, and then it would always be lower.

Speaker 25 Dude,

Speaker 148 wise words, man.

Speaker 108 Actually, yeah, that's a good strategy.

Speaker 84 What helped you get off the hard drugs?

Speaker 29 I don't know. Probably someone out there.

Speaker 122 you know, watching the show right now, just tied one off, fucking heating up a spoon right now, getting ready to go work their shift at a pf chang

Speaker 32 fucking bar you could save their lives right now explain to them how you did it you perhaps start a collection of locomotive trains

Speaker 148 i don't know like i never really had addictive tendencies i just like struggled to fit in and like when i was doing drugs there was like people to hang out with so like i would do drugs but like i i like was on at a roll since i was eight so like meth wasn't really like i don't know i didn't really like it i just did it because there's people doing meth with me you know so you were doing meth while you were on Adderall

Speaker 148 no yeah well no what

Speaker 129 that's exactly what a guy still on meth and Adderall would say

Speaker 53 How do you get rid of chlamydia just asking for a friend?

Speaker 148 They give you a shot in the ass.

Speaker 45 Damn, that's how I got it.

Speaker 50 That's another gay joke, everybody.

Speaker 115 That's awesome.

Speaker 22 Mushroom matte.

Speaker 151 Fun times. There you go.

Speaker 24 Mushroom matte, everybody.

Speaker 84 Look at that. A compelling interview.

Speaker 25 Here we go.

Speaker 122 Looks like we're going to get our first female comedian of the

Speaker 14 combatants.

Speaker 122 Mayonnaise.

Speaker 50 One more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody.

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Speaker 172 Or if you have a larger group or team to celebrate with, you can send physical or digital cards in bulk directly from Starbucks at starbuckscardb2b.com.

Speaker 172 No matter how you like to connect over coffee, Starbucks cards have got you covered.

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Speaker 168 And now,

Speaker 73 this looks like it could be a new name.

Speaker 50 Make some noise for Elena P, everyone. Elena P.

Speaker 173 Hey, Austin, how's it going?

Speaker 38 Good, good. Are we dating?

Speaker 173 Anyone dating here in the crowd?

Speaker 173 Yeah, actually, I don't know why I'm asking. I really don't care.

Speaker 174 I'm dating a doctor, so, and he's hot, so I win, you know?

Speaker 74 But,

Speaker 173 you know, when I told my family and my friends I was dating a doctor, obviously, mom's super excited. Some of my friends were a little bit concerned.
They were like, dating a doctor? I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 173 They're like, haven't you seen Gray's Anatomy? Aren't you a little bit worried?

Speaker 176 I'm like, yeah, you know, Mick Dreamy, McSteamy.

Speaker 173 And they're like, exactly. Like, you think he's hooking up with nurses in the stairwell?

Speaker 173 I was a little bit taken aback.

Speaker 60 Honestly, I was a little offended.

Speaker 79 I was like, you guys.

Speaker 173 He's a gentleman. You're crazy if you think he's hooking up with nurses in the stairwell.
He's at least fucking them in the call room.

Speaker 176 My God, come on.

Speaker 173 No, sleep, anything. The only thing that's really screwing him is the American healthcare system.

Speaker 175 So, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 175 There you go. That's it.
Thank you guys.

Speaker 25 Elena P,

Speaker 75 welcome to the show.

Speaker 92 Is this your first time on it?

Speaker 39 It is my first time.

Speaker 77 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 173 Today's my first day, y'all.

Speaker 13 Wow, starting here?

Speaker 135 Did you do an open mic earlier or something?

Speaker 173 You know, I go to a lot of open mics with my boyfriend. He He actually does comedy.

Speaker 173 So we came to Austin on Friday night and we leave Wednesday afternoon, but we've been popping around to all the local spots.

Speaker 77 You're dating a doctor that also does comedy?

Speaker 173 I do, yeah. That's his backup plan.
If comedy doesn't work out, he's got the doctor thing to follow up.

Speaker 70 Is he a real doctor?

Speaker 175 He really is a real doctor.

Speaker 14 What kind of doctor is he?

Speaker 39 A general practitioner. Yeah.
He does.

Speaker 39 Wow.

Speaker 173 Clearly, I did not go to medical school, so I don't know.

Speaker 31 Like an urgent care.

Speaker 69 Yeah. You know what?

Speaker 173 If you go...

Speaker 175 turns out they make a lot of money working at urgent care, so yeah, really.

Speaker 41 How much money?

Speaker 32 Do you know how much money he makes?

Speaker 173 I know that he just got, he's now able to actually practice on his own.

Speaker 173 And if he got like a job at urgent care, I think they'd be like $200 an hour or something ridiculous.

Speaker 174 Like, yeah, it's crazy. I know.

Speaker 143 How about you? What do you do for a living, Elena?

Speaker 58 So, I'm a photographer, so I actually like zero dollars

Speaker 24 per hour.

Speaker 21 Anything, zero dollars ever total made.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 173 I am a photographer and a Legree instructor. Most people don't know what Legree is, but if you do.

Speaker 36 What is it? Legree. What is that?

Speaker 173 That is like Pilates on Steroids, essentially, is what it is.

Speaker 39 And you do that. I do.
Yeah.

Speaker 173 I've been coaching for three years and taking for four.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 128 Do you do private classes?

Speaker 69 You know what? For you, Red Band. For you, Red Band, I would.

Speaker 70 Yes.

Speaker 113 Whoa. Look at that.

Speaker 70 Yeah, I got you.

Speaker 32 He's been eating a lot of Pilates of food.

Speaker 9 That's plates.

Speaker 29 Plates, but pronounced it plates.

Speaker 61 Yeah, there you go.

Speaker 15 P-space lattes.

Speaker 58 Because you like plates.

Speaker 158 Multiple plates.

Speaker 45 I can agree with that. I can agree with that.

Speaker 15 Elena, how long have you been with this guy?

Speaker 173 We've known each other for a year, and

Speaker 173 we've been officially dating for six months, 11 months, seven months.

Speaker 101 And you really trust him?

Speaker 93 Does he ever text his grandma?

Speaker 173 You know, I don't actually know. I think one of his grandmothers is probably dead.
The other one alive, I think. I think he's close with his grandma.

Speaker 174 We'll see. I don't know.

Speaker 103 I haven't met the grandmother.

Speaker 53 I don't get into personal life too much.

Speaker 176 Yeah, I felt like a whole form if I want to talk to him, really.

Speaker 53 So that's for $200 an hour when he's at an open drive and you going, you're really losing money here, buddy.

Speaker 158 Yeah, right.

Speaker 173 No, I like to tell him at least I made more money than he has at comedy shows because I actually get paid as a photographer to take their photos.

Speaker 173 Yeah, he's made, you know, nothing really.

Speaker 110 Oh, Martin Phillips is furious, right?

Speaker 38 I said, oh, yeah, you got him.

Speaker 70 Oh, you show it up.

Speaker 158 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 158 You showing up.

Speaker 142 Wow.

Speaker 152 Yeah.

Speaker 27 So where did you meet this guy?

Speaker 173 We met on a boat, actually, which is, I love your captain's hat right here.

Speaker 175 Look at it. This is the captain of the boat.
Martin Phillips is our captain. Look at that.

Speaker 149 He is. Yep.

Speaker 82 If anybody's wondering who sunk the Titanic, there he is everybody.

Speaker 176 Yeah, we met on a boat.

Speaker 173 It was my friend's birthday that I got invited, and he lives at my friend's complex. So they were like down at the pool or something or another, and he was like...

Speaker 173 Hanging out with his friend who was seeing my friend and they were like, hey, we're going on a boat tomorrow. They told me I was going on the boat tomorrow.

Speaker 62 Where was this boat at?

Speaker 173 It's at Percy Priest. So I know Dusty Slay here is from Nashville.

Speaker 53 I live right next to Percy Priest.

Speaker 171 Yeah. I was there that day.

Speaker 6 Yeah, right, yeah.

Speaker 15 I can picture you just standing behind a tree watching the whole thing happening.

Speaker 32 Yeah, hell yeah. Now that's love if I've ever seen it.

Speaker 58 Right, right.

Speaker 39 The start of fresh love.

Speaker 173 I'll say, hey, we were having a good time.

Speaker 65 So that was a good idea.

Speaker 6 Two fans here.

Speaker 173 You were actually one of the first people I ever saw at Zaney's.

Speaker 175 All right. And it was amazing.
Yeah.

Speaker 175 Yep.

Speaker 173 Yeah. He really is a good comedian.

Speaker 53 And urgent care is a good job for a doctor. I've always said that.

Speaker 58 I'll take your picture anytime.

Speaker 53 I've always said it.

Speaker 40 So, did this urgent care doctor sign up for this show?

Speaker 100 He did.

Speaker 173 He's here. The doctor's in, everybody.
The doctor's in the city.

Speaker 73 And you guys are only visiting this Monday?

Speaker 173 Only this, this is, he's got to get back to the clinic.

Speaker 175 So we've got to get back to the... In Nashville.
Yes.

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 53 Oh, I could have actually seen your boyfriend before.

Speaker 176 You probably might have had.

Speaker 53 No, I can poison Ivy a lot.

Speaker 69 I think it's a, yeah.

Speaker 77 What's his name?

Speaker 173 dr. T dr.

Speaker 103 Tim T signed up as dr.

Speaker 92 Tim Tr.

Speaker 70 Tim T is here

Speaker 58 go get Dr.

Speaker 82 Tim Tignificant other on this show we're gonna we're gonna see who fucking really writes the prescriptions in this relationship

Speaker 175 yes I love it yeah he's he's great amazing

Speaker 173 he's been great and did he start stand up before you or were you doing he did he did he started back in Arkansas that's That's where he's from. And then he got really into it.

Speaker 173 Kind of when we started dating almost a year ago, he was really into it.

Speaker 174 And like, I

Speaker 173 just kept going to open mics. And yeah, the Nashville scene is really...
really something out there. A lot of clean mics, but also there's some dirtier stuff at Zane's thing.

Speaker 53 So we're really doing it there.

Speaker 158 Yeah, yeah, we are. That's incredible.

Speaker 40 While we wait for Dr.

Speaker 41 Timmy T, I'm going to ask you, do you always perform like, do you always dress like you're about to do an open mic on Mars?

Speaker 176 You know, look at it.

Speaker 173 I wore this for the comedy mothership.

Speaker 175 I want to dress like an alien or like a Martian or something fun.

Speaker 70 Okay.

Speaker 173 I love a theme. I love a theme, so that's that, you know?

Speaker 173 I love fashion for my girlies.

Speaker 174 You know, the girlies are.

Speaker 58 Funny, this is like a bad episode of the Kardashians right now. It's incredible.

Speaker 128 Would you say you're high maintenance?

Speaker 173 I just would like to think I have high standards.

Speaker 134 So that's a big glaring yes, all of capital letters with five exclamation points points afterwards.

Speaker 19 What do you think is the most high maintenance thing about you?

Speaker 67 How long does it take you to get ready if we were like, oh we gotta go.

Speaker 100 Oh shit, we were supposed to go to dinner with my parents.

Speaker 85 Let's go.

Speaker 69 How long would it take you?

Speaker 173 To be honest, I am always like chronically late, but I like to think, especially in the summertime, I like to do more of like... a natural makeup look.

Speaker 173 So I try not to, this is the most makeup I think I've worn all week, but I usually try and do like a tinted sunscreen.

Speaker 23 Four hours perfect.

Speaker 39 Yeah, right.

Speaker 74 All right, great.

Speaker 53 What time did you start getting ready for this show?

Speaker 173 I gave myself a good half hour.

Speaker 74 Oh.

Speaker 174 At least, you know, a good half hour.

Speaker 103 So

Speaker 103 it's the doctor.

Speaker 46 Yeah, right, yeah.

Speaker 133 The doctor is in.

Speaker 113 I've gotten a word.

Speaker 58 And you could just...

Speaker 73 You can just hide out behind the horn players in front of the drums over there.

Speaker 41 Put that mic in the mic stand as I introduce to you the guy, ladies and gentlemen, that not only does comedy with Elena, not only dates Elena, but

Speaker 54 has sex with her as well.

Speaker 56 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut of Dr. Timmy T, everyone.

Speaker 169 How?

Speaker 131 Y'all know why the Native Americans say how?

Speaker 28 It's because the settlers killed them before they could get out.

Speaker 33 Are you doing?

Speaker 131 I went to this Indian restaurant the other day and when I walked in, there were swastikas all over the walls.

Speaker 131 Now I'm from the south, that's not completely unnormal, but I went up to the guy at the front and I was like, hey man, what's up with all the swastikas?

Speaker 131 He was like, listen, listen, it's Sanskrit for good luck.

Speaker 137 He's like, yeah, but it's Hebrew for bad luck.

Speaker 131 I went on to ask him, I was like, hey, what's better, the lamb bindaloo or the buttered chicken?

Speaker 103 He was like, ah, they're both good in their own right.

Speaker 131 Yeah, I didn't get either one. I ended up getting the swastika masala.

Speaker 28 I'm kidding. What I really got was diarrhea.

Speaker 131 No, so I grew up really religious, and being really religious, they're like, hey, you need to try to be like Jesus, which is a really high standard.

Speaker 131 You know, he was perfect, walked on water, performed miracles. I was like, how can I live up to those expectations?

Speaker 131 And then I read Revelations 22, 12, and it said, Jesus said, behold, I cometh quickly.

Speaker 131 He's like, finally, I can be a little more Christ-like.

Speaker 89 Wow.

Speaker 13 Dr. Timmy T.

Speaker 13 Wow. Look at that.

Speaker 84 What an incredible thing.

Speaker 153 What a stud you are, huh?

Speaker 17 You just a good-looking doctor. You're funny.

Speaker 59 You got it all going except for that.

Speaker 62 Fake-ass girlfriend over your shoulder.

Speaker 13 I'm kidding.

Speaker 110 I didn't realize Pedro Pascal had a Down syndrome little brother.

Speaker 60 You're adorable, Dr.

Speaker 18 Timmy T. Welcome to the show.

Speaker 38 Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 7 Like

Speaker 131 two years, like a year, seriously.

Speaker 111 Awesome.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 22 And how much time did you spend in medical school?

Speaker 167 Four years in medical school, six years in undergrad.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 62 Look at that. Dusty, what do you think about this guy?

Speaker 53 Well, I'd like to know how you treat chlamydia.

Speaker 131 Doxycycline, Mr. Dusty.

Speaker 36 Doxycycline.

Speaker 53 Where would you put it?

Speaker 136 In the mouth.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 53 So you'd think the guy earlier was getting some bad medicine.

Speaker 177 I am unaware of what you were talking about.

Speaker 114 Yeah, but probably. Okay.

Speaker 40 Amazing. Dr.
Timmy T.

Speaker 41 So you're a general practitioner, right?

Speaker 39 Yes, sir. Cover it all.

Speaker 48 What's the craziest thing you've ever had walk into your urgent care or whatever?

Speaker 131 Oh, I had a man whose penis was rotting off.

Speaker 90 Oh, wow.

Speaker 39 How did that happen?

Speaker 131 He ended up having surgery. He got one of the erectile dysfunction and he got one of those like penis pumps put in.
Oh, but he lied to your doctor, never lied to your doctor.

Speaker 131 He lied to his doctor and said he wasn't smoking.

Speaker 22 Wait, you can't smoke cigarettes and use a penis enlarger?

Speaker 39 Well, fuck.

Speaker 65 Oh no,

Speaker 55 I'm going to need to see you behind the curtain in 30 minutes.

Speaker 39 That is weird though, because all my whole life I would say, do you smoke?

Speaker 70 I'm like, yeah, not really.

Speaker 28 Because you don't want to say that for the insurance or whatever.

Speaker 169 They should tell you.

Speaker 128 No, no, if you do, just say yes.

Speaker 41 Can you explain why?

Speaker 104 Oh, I can already, I can probably already tell.

Speaker 101 It probably restricts the blood vessels.

Speaker 39 That's right. That's right.

Speaker 115 That's right, Tony.

Speaker 39 You're a smart guy.

Speaker 68 You are a smart guy.

Speaker 96 I really am. You know,

Speaker 92 I think I could be a doctor, too.

Speaker 119 You know, probably.

Speaker 78 Yeah. If I can be, you probably can.

Speaker 82 Doctor Cycline.

Speaker 134 That's what I would just give everybody for everything.

Speaker 131 We'll call you Dr. Cycline.

Speaker 4 There we go. There we go.

Speaker 74 You're a real fucking guy.

Speaker 55 What do you do for fun, Dr.

Speaker 23 Timmy T?

Speaker 131 Oh, man. I like to play sports.
I play basketball, pick up basketball.

Speaker 39 Wow.

Speaker 131 I have bonsai trees.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 53 You really just do it all, huh?

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Me and my girlfriend have been building Legos lately.

Speaker 71 Aww.

Speaker 111 Amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 119 Wow.

Speaker 70 Good, clean fucking.

Speaker 39 Are you ate?

Speaker 26 He has to partake in activities that she can do as well.

Speaker 57 Wow, I love it.

Speaker 54 What's the longest set you've ever done?

Speaker 78 10 minutes.

Speaker 41 10 minutes.

Speaker 128 Would you like to do like an eight minute set at the Secret Show Thursday?

Speaker 69 Absolutely. I would.

Speaker 84 The doctor is in. Dr.

Speaker 12 Timmy T.

Speaker 56 Doctor, here you go.

Speaker 152 Here's a big joke, Buck. Boom.

Speaker 151 And here's a little one for the lady right there. She got out of punchline and a half.

Speaker 127 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 56 What an adorable couple, though. Congratulations.
There they go.

Speaker 50 Dr. Timmy T and Elena P.

Speaker 133 How fun.

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Speaker 80 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 30 I wonder if this is who I think it is.

Speaker 51 I wonder if this is our old cowboy friend.

Speaker 55 We're going to see.

Speaker 127 Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everyone.

Speaker 127 Oh, it is one of the legends of the show.

Speaker 133 The return of Carlos Lopez.

Speaker 5 Howdy.

Speaker 99 So I was asleep in my bed the other night getting the fucking most wonderful slumber I've ever had.

Speaker 99 And I woke up to my phone just a fucking yelling at.

Speaker 99 I thought I cheated on Siri. This thing was fucking screaming.

Speaker 99 My phone went off, and

Speaker 99 it was an Amber alert for a 15-year-old Hispanic girl.

Speaker 60 And I thought that was fucked up.

Speaker 99 Because what about her two kids?

Speaker 58 Are they okay?

Speaker 131 Did they get taken to?

Speaker 99 Here are my thoughts and prayers.

Speaker 99 So this border situation has never been great, but lately I've been seeing it bring out the worst of people.

Speaker 99 I'll leave it on that.

Speaker 60 Go ahead and finish it.

Speaker 99 The other day I saw one man tell another man to go back to Mexico. I don't think he meant it.

Speaker 99 No, because if he meant it, he learned how to say that shit in Spanish.

Speaker 107 Carlos Lopez.

Speaker 12 We actually watched him have his very start here on the show.

Speaker 93 And then, you know, it's just like the nature of the beast, like what I was talking with Doug Polk about earlier.

Speaker 40 And then your second time, kind of rough, right?

Speaker 97 And then look at you, you're back with that same type of snappy, hard-hitting punchlines that you had that first time.

Speaker 165 You've been working at at it, huh?

Speaker 97 You take this seriously.

Speaker 40 You're a serious man.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 110 You're a serious cowboy.

Speaker 21 Yes, sir. And you're driving 18 wheelers.

Speaker 99 No, I retired.

Speaker 44 Oh, shit.

Speaker 14 You hung up the old truck nuts, huh?

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 36 What do you do now?

Speaker 28 I'm in real estate.

Speaker 20 Wheel estate?

Speaker 32 You're selling wheels?

Speaker 99 Hill country manufactured homes.

Speaker 59 Real estate.

Speaker 31 Wait.

Speaker 91 Wheel estate?

Speaker 28 Real estate with wheels on the bottom.

Speaker 70 Okay.

Speaker 103 Best of bulk world.

Speaker 18 That sounds like a one-stop shop for you, Martin Phillips.

Speaker 60 Interesting.

Speaker 93 My goodness. So tell us more about the wheel estate that you're selling.

Speaker 92 Sell us right now.

Speaker 40 I'm sure there's some people here.

Speaker 99 There's a lot of Texas oil money in the room right now that's not who I'm talking like trailers oh

Speaker 46 okay

Speaker 43 you're from Alabama you speak whatever language this is

Speaker 53 you're talking trailers

Speaker 68 manufactured home that's famous word for trailer

Speaker 53 that's what people say when they don't want you to know they live in a trailer

Speaker 22 this is incredible so it's a different type of market well maybe there's some rich people here that want to buy a trailer maybe there's some poor people here that want to buy a trailer great Great.

Speaker 27 There's a lot of comedians watching.

Speaker 49 I can tell you that.

Speaker 45 And these people are all homeless and need a car at the same time.

Speaker 49 You could probably be a one-stop shop, and I'm going to give you the single spotlight treatment.

Speaker 93 Sell us on

Speaker 19 wheel estate.

Speaker 99 How much you fucking pay on rent?

Speaker 99 You want to pay that much with own the motherfucker?

Speaker 33 It's that easy.

Speaker 178 They sell themselves.

Speaker 24 Sold.

Speaker 12 I'll take three right now.

Speaker 86 You can afford it, I promise.

Speaker 103 No, no, no, I don't really.

Speaker 53 And then you go, how bad is your credit?

Speaker 86 The fucking homeless people are the ones that can't afford the homes.

Speaker 113 That's why they're homeless.

Speaker 68 Figure it out.

Speaker 71 Right, right.

Speaker 102 So.

Speaker 128 Do you offer tornado insurance?

Speaker 113 Hell no.

Speaker 127 No, that's your bread and butter.

Speaker 145 Your count number.

Speaker 58 Terrible business idea. Yeah.

Speaker 153 You need the tornadoes.

Speaker 43 The tornadoes bring it back around.

Speaker 144 It's the wheel deal.

Speaker 115 I'm going to have to use that. I'm sorry.

Speaker 78 It's yours, buddy.

Speaker 14 You can have it.

Speaker 23 It's all yours.

Speaker 109 Wow.

Speaker 5 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 29 So that's going good for you?

Speaker 23 Selling a lot of trailers?

Speaker 99 Man, I'm four weeks in right now.

Speaker 157 Just getting started.

Speaker 99 I want to get off the road.

Speaker 68 I found out the hard way.

Speaker 99 That my girlfriend has a nut allergy.

Speaker 21 How did you find out?

Speaker 99 We have a son now. He's three months old.

Speaker 99 Swole up for nine fucking months.

Speaker 15 I see.

Speaker 152 I see.

Speaker 156 You nutted inside of her.

Speaker 107 I get it now.

Speaker 107 I get it.

Speaker 57 I get it.

Speaker 129 I was having a wheelie hard time understanding the joke for a second, but now I get it.

Speaker 101 Wow, congratulations.

Speaker 127 What did you name?

Speaker 70 I bet you gave him a real cowboy, a real regal name, am I right?

Speaker 99 Well, Tony, I'm glad you asked. I named it after my fucking heroes.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 99 Tony Walker Texas Ranger Lopez

Speaker 25 Wow

Speaker 93 Tony Walker Texas Ranger Lopez

Speaker 53 that's mostly true Tony Walker Lopez Tony Walker's got a good ring to it yeah not really that funny I guess but it's like a good ring yeah Tony Walker is Jackson Walker Oh, Jackson Walker.

Speaker 22 See, that's what I was looking for.

Speaker 101 That's a real country name.

Speaker 138 Jackson Walker Lopez.

Speaker 15 I don't want to leave with this.

Speaker 171 Sounds like he would deport himself.

Speaker 96 I just figured out what my last name is.

Speaker 103 I'm going to go ahead and hit the dusty trail.

Speaker 96 I'm going to get inside of my home and drive there.

Speaker 96 Wow.

Speaker 96 I love it. You get him a little cowboy hat already?

Speaker 99 He's not ready. He has to earn it.

Speaker 39 Oh, shit.

Speaker 100 What does he have to do to earn it?

Speaker 82 We had a couple up here that's trying to figure out Legos right now.

Speaker 97 What does a kid have to do to earn his first cowboy hat?

Speaker 99 I guess hold his fucking head up first, you know.

Speaker 60 That's true.

Speaker 53 That's true. Is that how you talk to him?

Speaker 28 I mean, you can right now. You don't know what I'm saying.

Speaker 87 Vibes. Just vibes.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 36 Mom's handling it all well.

Speaker 99 Oh, she's doing great.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 59 And breastfeeding?

Speaker 99 She had big tips when I met her, but holy shit, shit, no.

Speaker 23 Red Band's hard as a rock right now.

Speaker 129 I see it hanging out of his shorts.

Speaker 32 He has a special penis pump he's been using lately.

Speaker 63 Wow. Incredible.

Speaker 93 Do you ever taste any of the breast milk?

Speaker 97 You ever give a quick little suck?

Speaker 99 It's not

Speaker 99 something I do on purpose, you know.

Speaker 74 Right.

Speaker 156 But if it happens accidentally.

Speaker 99 Sometimes I got to warm up breast milk when she's gone, and you got to make sure that it's not too hot sometimes.

Speaker 53 Oh, you don't just go in too quick after the baby.

Speaker 6 I want to steal the produce.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 115 Only got so much.

Speaker 146 Some of that old cowboy cream.

Speaker 114 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 80 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 32 What surprised you or what's surprising to you about having a young three-month-old?

Speaker 75 Is there anything that surprised you?

Speaker 101 This is your first kid.

Speaker 99 Yeah, my first kid. Man, honestly,

Speaker 99 the urge to go home now is there. It never has been before.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 60 I've been fucking just rambling all over the place.

Speaker 77 That's what it seems like with all of our friends.

Speaker 41 Once they have a kid, they're back home, and

Speaker 41 they're not hanging out, being degenerates like we all are.

Speaker 40 It seems to be the common thing.

Speaker 53 It's amazing how your wife doesn't make you want to be at home, but a kid does.

Speaker 12 Well, once you got a taste of that fucking

Speaker 43 BM, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 80 That sweet little fucking.

Speaker 39 Is your wife

Speaker 40 Mexican?

Speaker 99 Very.

Speaker 99 Hell yeah. Chasing Latinos is more than just a hobby.

Speaker 115 Wow. So it's like hiracha.

Speaker 70 Yeah. Come on.

Speaker 109 Okay.

Speaker 123 Some of that titty tamarind, am I right?

Speaker 70 Underlay.

Speaker 16 Very good, Martin.

Speaker 144 You really are the captain now.

Speaker 32 Carlos Lopez, fun times.

Speaker 82 You did it again.

Speaker 72 I'm out of big joke books, but you already got one. You're the man, Carlos.
This crowd loves you. Everybody loves you.

Speaker 11 Killing it.

Speaker 14 Daddy's home.

Speaker 72 Carlos Lopez.

Speaker 12 And we have his stunt double, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 51 Another proud Mexican father that we've known for years and years.

Speaker 55 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hank Garza.

Speaker 164 I believe that a lot of us in here are not racist, but our algorithms are.

Speaker 164 Anybody else see that one post about that one group of people? And you're just like,

Speaker 31 like.

Speaker 14 Y'all know the ones I'm talking about.

Speaker 99 I've really had it up to here with these bullshit weed names, and they're like, Hank, it's exotic.

Speaker 164 It's like, dude, it sounds like diabetes mixed with blue or purple.

Speaker 115 It's not exotic.

Speaker 164 If we want to start naming weed that is exotic, let's start naming it after shit that is exotic, like thick white women without black dudes in their DMs.

Speaker 14 Cush.

Speaker 164 The hardest part about me dating is actually, it's not even the wife and kids that I have at home.

Speaker 164 It's actually the sleep apnea machine.

Speaker 164 You know how fucked up it is when you have to take down the hose to go see the hose?

Speaker 33 Crazy.

Speaker 164 I want to end this on an impression. This is my impression of a fortune teller from the late 90s, early 2000s, bamba clot.

Speaker 28 Y'all remember that?

Speaker 164 Here we go.

Speaker 103 This is Alex Jones here, letting you know. Everything I said back in the day came out to be true.

Speaker 31 They are fucking kids on an island, and they are turning the frogs gay.

Speaker 164 My name's Hank Gars. That's been my minute.

Speaker 107 Thank y'all so much.

Speaker 57 Hank Garza.

Speaker 54 I like the racist algorithms and the sleep.

Speaker 85 Do you have a sleep apnea machine?

Speaker 164 I have a BiPEP, yes, sir.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 164 Breathe in and out for me.

Speaker 4 Oh, my God.

Speaker 48 You don't even have to do anything.

Speaker 49 No. You don't have to think about any of it.

Speaker 80 You just lay there like Darth Vader.

Speaker 116 Wow.

Speaker 102 Is that good? You get a good night's sleep with that thing?

Speaker 177 It's all right.

Speaker 164 I have a one-year-old right now, so I'm waking up all the time to change him and feed him.

Speaker 147 Right.

Speaker 53 Is your one-year-old terrified by that machine?

Speaker 99 Nah, not at all, man.

Speaker 177 I look like Bainer.

Speaker 36 They hook me up like a Tesla.

Speaker 80 Okay.

Speaker 164 But when I cheat, I feel like my solution to that problem, Tony, is I have to find other women that are also on sleep apt machines.

Speaker 38 Right.

Speaker 2 And we just hit that shit like a hookah.

Speaker 62 When you say Navajo's to see the hose, what's a Navajo mean?

Speaker 164 No, no, I have to take down the hose to go see the hose. Because the C-Pap machine has a hose.

Speaker 48 Oh, it's a hose.

Speaker 74 Got it.

Speaker 2 Got it. To go see the hose.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 153 I got it now.

Speaker 53 You take it with you.

Speaker 39 I have to.

Speaker 53 And if they see you with a sleep apnea machine, they know you're playing on stage.

Speaker 58 I mean business.

Speaker 5 I mean fucking business, dude.

Speaker 53 You got a bag of condoms and a sleep apnea machine.

Speaker 39 That's right, baby.

Speaker 115 See, Pat Foppy.

Speaker 58 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 92 You have all these catchphrases for not being able to breathe on your own.

Speaker 128 How'd you go to the doctor or find out that you needed that machine? Like, what made you go to the...

Speaker 45 Yeah, Red Band's a week away from it.

Speaker 128 Yeah, dude. I feel like I should have one.

Speaker 177 My wife was like, hey, it sounds like you're dying.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 39 Yeah. I'm good.

Speaker 15 And

Speaker 53 you're like, I'm exhausted from cheating on you.

Speaker 66 Hell yeah. I love you, babe.

Speaker 100 Martin, do you have to sleep with anything wacky?

Speaker 38 You have any wacky things?

Speaker 70 Uh-oh, no, I can sleep normal.

Speaker 69 I'm not like this freak.

Speaker 69 Dang.

Speaker 69 Damn.

Speaker 43 Martin Phillips.

Speaker 42 Holy shit.

Speaker 17 What else is going on in your life, Hank?

Speaker 77 You've been doing stand-up for a few years.

Speaker 54 Yeah,

Speaker 7 I just completed three years.

Speaker 33 Just getting up as much as I can, bro.

Speaker 164 As much as I can in San Antonio, raising kids.

Speaker 14 That's it right now.

Speaker 177 I'm stay-at-home dad.

Speaker 164 It sucks.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's cool, but it's not cool at the same time. It fucking sucks.

Speaker 177 Yeah. Men should be out there doing shit, not raising kids, but whatever.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 2 But wife makes a pretty decent living, so I'm like, all right, you know what?

Speaker 115 I'll change a diaper.

Speaker 39 Fucking wife. Hell yeah.

Speaker 169 Okay.

Speaker 53 I hope your kids aren't watching.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 128 Way better set you had tonight than the last

Speaker 15 screamed last night. Yeah, I was, I know, so it was very scary.

Speaker 164 Oh, last time I ate a huge dick on here on this show, and man, that shit was such a rude awakening for me on where I was comedy-wise.

Speaker 136 And take this shit seriously.

Speaker 40 It's a ruder awakening than when your C-PAP machine runs out of water.

Speaker 102 Is that how those work? You put water in there.

Speaker 177 Yeah, oh, you know it.

Speaker 83 Yeah, you put water in.

Speaker 32 It's like a humidifier.

Speaker 33 I like high humidity, dude.

Speaker 164 Then you put it like 72 degrees.

Speaker 46 Oh,

Speaker 109 daddy.

Speaker 103 I want to try it.

Speaker 74 Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 25 Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Speaker 147 Well.

Speaker 74 Okay.

Speaker 32 Hank, great stuff.

Speaker 39 Thank you so much.

Speaker 20 Here you go.

Speaker 64 Hank Garza.

Speaker 84 He's our buddy. That's our buddy, Hank.

Speaker 82 It's a big joke, but

Speaker 82 that's how show business works.

Speaker 73 Well, I mean, what can I say?

Speaker 123 This has been a hell of an episode, and I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and he is behind that curtain for he holds the record for all time appearances interviews

Speaker 50 in the history of the show no one has done it more nobody has done it better a living member of the kill tony hall of fame

Speaker 56 some people call him the shaw of shopify

Speaker 14 Sponsored by Mass Hole Lobster Truck.

Speaker 50 It's known as the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine.

Speaker 56 Live in the flesh, this is William Montgomery.

Speaker 136 I like to buy my dogs from the pound because I like my dogs to be hardened criminals who think they're out on parole.

Speaker 136 After a long search for the best match, doctors have successfully transplanted a pig lung into a brain-dead human being.

Speaker 69 And I just want to say congratulations on your new lung, Amy Schumer.

Speaker 136 Last week, Cracker Barrel Board of Directors made the mistake of letting a dumb bitch talk them into changing their logo.

Speaker 87 The bad news is Cracker Barrel's stock value dropped $100 million.

Speaker 120 The good news we'll be seeing Shane Gillis in Cracker Barrel commercials very soon.

Speaker 113 what were kurt cobain's last words courtney don't

Speaker 84 okay that's my time thank you wow exactly 59 seconds Two or three of the biggest jokes of the night.

Speaker 110 I feel like I have to let Shane know immediately after this episode the joke you just did.

Speaker 144 That is so funny.

Speaker 127 That is incredible because it's probably true.

Speaker 120 Oh, it's very true.

Speaker 136 I fucking hate it. And if y'all look up, seriously, it's crazy, if y'all look up the CEO of Cracker Barrel, she looks just like fucking the girl from, oh, what is her name?

Speaker 153 Everyone that hates our show.

Speaker 24 You are correct.

Speaker 53 The saddest thing about that joke is I'm in a Cracker Barrel commercial right now.

Speaker 4 Really? Damn.

Speaker 53 Is that true? It is true. I don't know if it's still airing, but I did do a 15-second commercial.

Speaker 136 Dusty, that is wonderful. I swear to God, that is a dream of mine.

Speaker 69 I happen to love Cracker Barrel.

Speaker 103 That really is so cool.

Speaker 120 That's so cool. What are you saying in it?

Speaker 87 What do you even do?

Speaker 53 When I was in it, the stock was doing great, though. It was still doing really well.
We had the old logo,

Speaker 53 old design.

Speaker 39 Yeah, you seem, now that you mentioned, I could see why they would pick you as one of their clear representatives.

Speaker 36 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 74 Wow.

Speaker 110 William, you did it yet again.

Speaker 81 I mean, incredible.

Speaker 100 What was the thing? Would you say a piggleum?

Speaker 147 A what?

Speaker 70 A piggleum?

Speaker 105 Piglum?

Speaker 102 What did you say? What was the

Speaker 120 piglung? Pig lung.

Speaker 31 Pig lung.

Speaker 136 Yeah, they literally, they found they did it in a brain-dead fucking person, and they put a pig lung in the brain-dead person, and the lung lasted for, I think, eight days.

Speaker 39 Wow.

Speaker 74 Wow.

Speaker 116 Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Speaker 27 What a great experiment.

Speaker 64 I'm pretty sure the doctor that did that was up here just a few bucket pulls ago.

Speaker 53 And it had a CPAP machine that breathed in and out for it.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 74 I mean, incredible performance.

Speaker 54 Really, really amazing.

Speaker 136 Well, you're really sweet. Well, Tony, I think it's,

Speaker 136 I had that the Courtney love joke or whatever I have been listening to since last week because I was up in Spokane, Washington this weekend. It's the first time I've repeated a comedy club.

Speaker 136 It's been like a year and a half, and I created this whole new set. It's

Speaker 136 70 new jokes, 30 old jokes. And it took me forever.
I was taking, Tony, don't be mad at me, but I was taking a little bit of Adderall and I was smoking weed. And I spent two full weeks on it.

Speaker 136 And I've been listening to the song by a Hulk called Softer, Softest, probably 700 fucking times. For anybody who's hearing my voice right now, it's one of the best songs ever.

Speaker 136 I've been listening to it. It's on repeat, Tony, on my spotify

Speaker 42 it's not a good song

Speaker 113 you don't like anything

Speaker 136 he told me about this and i was like oh this must be a great song i i used to have that album it's just like a throwaway song but you're addicted to the girl that played it that died of an overdose you have this whole conspiracy about it that court killed her also or something right yes i think courtney was involved in the bass player's death um so tell us more about that tell us about this conspiracy it's just so horrible when i was up in New York City, Tony, I just looked, something happened, and I saw the picture of the bass player for Hole during this point in time of their career, the second album.

Speaker 136 And I was like, oh my God, this girl's beautiful. And I started reading more about her.
I was very intrigued. And she died at 27.

Speaker 136 And they're thinking the guitar player is the one who injected her with all the heroin. And then they're saying that Courtney Love told the guitar player to do that.

Speaker 39 So it's this whole can of worms, Tony. Wow.
That's this whole can of worms.

Speaker 143 Are there more people that you think?

Speaker 16 Oh, he does not like Red Band.

Speaker 167 He's like a fucking laugh out of my nightmares when he's in the middle of the map.

Speaker 29 He does not like Red Band's Lap.

Speaker 61 They have a long-standing rivalry.

Speaker 77 They do not seem to get along.

Speaker 12 Yeah, he's talking shit about that song.

Speaker 136 I think people will like Softer Softest when they listen to it later tonight. I think people will like the song.
It's a wonderful song.

Speaker 40 You think that Courtney Love is responsible for the death of the bass player of Hole, the death of Kirk Cobain.

Speaker 100 Is there anybody else who you think Courtney Love may have killed?

Speaker 136 The Soundgarden guy.

Speaker 9 Yep.

Speaker 6 Okay. Tony lookalike.

Speaker 4 Chris Parnell. Chris Parnell.

Speaker 136 No, I'm kidding. Yeah, Parnell was the guy on SNL.
Yeah, Chris Cornell.

Speaker 78 Who else do you think? Thanks, Jacob.

Speaker 56 Jacob on the...

Speaker 68 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 136 That was awkward when I couldn't remember y'all's names.

Speaker 41 Is there anybody else, perhaps, Courtney Love murdered during her lifetime?

Speaker 15 You've been going down this.

Speaker 136 Well, it's weirdly enough, they're saying she was the one up in the jail and killed Jeffrey Epstein because she knows people who are good.

Speaker 6 Yeah, Jeffrey Epstein,

Speaker 136 Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed.

Speaker 24 Whoa!

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 136 She's the one that killed his ass.

Speaker 107 Whoa.

Speaker 53 How many days have you been awake in a row?

Speaker 136 I slept till 1.30 today. The night before I only slept an hour, but I was able to sleep till 1.30 today, which is, I really slept in today.

Speaker 6 I needed the rest.

Speaker 170 Wow. That's

Speaker 153 exhausting of the lights for the amount of sleep that you got.

Speaker 100 What time did you go to bed?

Speaker 136 12 p.m.

Speaker 43 An hour and a half ago.

Speaker 39 No, 12 a.m.

Speaker 69 Oh, there you go.

Speaker 170 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's better.

Speaker 29 Is there anyone else you think Courtney?

Speaker 136 It's like army time.

Speaker 104 How do you even figure out army time?

Speaker 58 Wow.

Speaker 92 Incredible observation, William.

Speaker 62 Is there anybody else you think on this conspiracy theory of yours, do you think the Courtney Love may have killed during her last...

Speaker 136 Maybe Dave Thomas?

Speaker 76 Whoa, the Wendy's guy?

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 100 From Columbus, Ohio.

Speaker 28 Red Band, that's right, right?

Speaker 136 You told me that one, Red Band, remember?

Speaker 169 Wow.

Speaker 167 You let me know about that one, remember?

Speaker 58 You called me.

Speaker 167 All excited when you found out about it?

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's another person. Wow.

Speaker 41 That's incredible.

Speaker 102 Dave Thomas.

Speaker 100 Can you believe that?

Speaker 31 Uh-uh.

Speaker 14 Red Band can believe it.

Speaker 29 Red Band gets very sad when he's reminded about the death of Dave Thomas.

Speaker 31 Yeah,

Speaker 128 that might be my real dad.

Speaker 24 That might be my real dad.

Speaker 136 Yeah, well, your mom had sex with enough dudes. I don't know if we actually could figure out if it was fucking.

Speaker 60 I don't know if we'll ever find out if it's

Speaker 128 his executive secretary,

Speaker 128 and then my parents got divorced, and I never found out why.

Speaker 80 It might be my real dad.

Speaker 169 Wow.

Speaker 70 I just hear executive secretary.

Speaker 116 It makes sense.

Speaker 22 I can see how Dave Thomas could be your father.

Speaker 45 I mean, you are a 52-year-old bacon at her.

Speaker 5 So it's

Speaker 70 the beef.

Speaker 27 Is there anybody else you think Courtney Love may have murdered during her lifetime?

Speaker 2 Lisa Frank!

Speaker 71 Whoa, whoa.

Speaker 11 And I'm kidding about that one.

Speaker 43 Passionate about that. I'm not kidding about that one.

Speaker 49 That's my trip. Who's Lisa Frank?

Speaker 136 The lady who made the stickers and stuff, like the

Speaker 112 girl site.

Speaker 151 Who else?

Speaker 23 Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for their untimely death?

Speaker 70 What about maybe

Speaker 60 who?

Speaker 60 Myself.

Speaker 136 Maybe 9-11!

Speaker 9 Whoa, Courtney Puff!

Speaker 13 That's responsible for 9-11?

Speaker 147 No.

Speaker 31 That's crazy.

Speaker 69 She didn't do that.

Speaker 68 How do you know that?

Speaker 59 Huh? How do you know she had nothing to do with it?

Speaker 136 I'm just pretty sure she did it. I did the research.

Speaker 53 Wow. Maybe just Building 7.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 136 This is a smaller building. People forget about that building.

Speaker 77 People do forget about that building.

Speaker 92 Tower 7.

Speaker 41 Everyone remembers 9-11, but no one remembers Tower 7.

Speaker 23 Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for?

Speaker 4 Well, this one's horrible.

Speaker 136 He's actually on my shirt. King Cobra JFS, Josh, rest in peace.
He just died up in, I think, Wyoming. I think she had something to do with him.
But King Cobra JFS, rest in peace.

Speaker 136 He had a bad drinking problem.

Speaker 153 I could stop watching it.

Speaker 101 If you had a chance to talk to Courtney Love and she was here face-to-face, I'm sure she's watching this right now.

Speaker 62 What would you say to her?

Speaker 93 What would you say to Courtney Love?

Speaker 19 Courtney, who's our main camera.

Speaker 4 I get it.

Speaker 136 Courtney, I get it. You don't normally take requests, but if you could play Softer, Softest off of your second album, I could sing the words with you.

Speaker 14 Wow.

Speaker 136 I'd be able to sing every single word with you.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 102 That is incredible.

Speaker 49 So you would take an opportunity to hang out with her and sing with her, even though she kills people.

Speaker 136 Yeah, my gosh. Softer, softest.
I'm not kidding. I've listened to it 800 times since last week.
I'm not even kidding. It's on repeat on my phone.
That's all I'm listening to. Wow.

Speaker 136 And it almost feels weird because now I like it. Uh-oh.
Seriously, now I like it. That's what I'm flying.

Speaker 43 That's it started with Kurt Cobain.

Speaker 101 One second you're liking her music, the next thing you know.

Speaker 53 And you wrote 70 jokes listening to that song?

Speaker 136 70. No, I was analyzing all of my Kill Tony minutes.
I think I've done close to 320 of these things, and I was

Speaker 136 analyzing my stuff.

Speaker 39 Wow.

Speaker 136 Doing a little bit of a laugh. And then praying to God people will laugh when I put it together in a certain way.

Speaker 53 I was going to say, that sounds like new comic advice. Listen to that song.

Speaker 136 Yes, my new comic.

Speaker 136 Seriously, if you're a comic who's thinking about getting into comedy, whatever, you're funny around your buddies at work, whatever, I think you should go for it and listen to softer softest when you're analyzing your jokes.

Speaker 136 Seriously.

Speaker 40 Do you think you're ever going to stop listening to Softer Softer? I don't think.

Speaker 56 William Montgomery has done it again.

Speaker 152 This episode brought to you by Shopify.

Speaker 84 Guys, how luck can this whisker? His first time on panel.

Speaker 72 Dusty Slay, everybody.

Speaker 12 What he is on Netflix.

Speaker 23 Make sure you watch it on Netflix.

Speaker 21 He's on tour, DustySlay.com and his podcast is We're Having a Good Time.

Speaker 17 Martin Phillips, first time on panel, everybody.

Speaker 13 The captain is in martinphillipscomedy.com.

Speaker 25 He's on tour all over.

Speaker 43 The drawing from Ryan G.

Speaker 80 Ebelt is in, and it is indeed amazing.

Speaker 23 He's drawn...

Speaker 110 oh, just the last 700 episodes or so, whichever the guests are.

Speaker 18 Let's see what Chris Rogers, the live Austin artist, drew during this.

Speaker 140 Oh, Mark Norman.

Speaker 44 Shout outs to our old friend Mark Norman who was on panel during the New York City Madison Square Garden episode, which if you haven't and you should and you must, go watch that on Netflix.

Speaker 68 And

Speaker 74 yeah, Red Band.

Speaker 128 Check out my fake band Catbread7 on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Music. Love you guys.

Speaker 50 That is a fake band indeed.

Speaker 16 Listen to it there.

Speaker 83 That is...

Speaker 43 It is something else.

Speaker 143 A new passion project, if you will.

Speaker 55 And shout out to Shopify.

Speaker 50 Thank you for sponsoring this episode and thank you to you the live audience that makes it all possible we love you guys thank you good night everybody

Speaker 179 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 179 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to Sunsetstrippatx.com for tickets.

Speaker 180 For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

Speaker 180 That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

Speaker 35 We may need to change that jingle.

Speaker 162 Prices and participation may vary.

#734 - DUSTY SLAY + MARTIN PHILLIPS

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Transcript

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