#734 - DUSTY SLAY + MARTIN PHILLIPS

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony give it up for tony it's crazy

Guys, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

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Brian Rickett!

What's up?

The best Sam band in the land, everybody.

Come on!

Fernando Castillo, Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

John D's on the keys, and that's D-Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

What an exciting night we have ahead of us, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm so excited about this one.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Every single week, I bring up two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth to join us.

We are coming off hot of what I truly believe is our greatest episode ever with Rob Schneider and Donnell Rawlings.

Tonight, I I present to you another first-time duo on panel.

One of them has one of the newest specials on Netflix, Wet Heat.

The other is Kill Tony Royalty, being one of the most used and loved golden ticket winners ever.

Yet he's never been on panel before.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dusty Slay and Martin Phillips.

Yeah, Dusty!

Welcome, Dusty.

Martha Phillips.

Fuck yeah.

This episode brought to you by Shopify.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

This is our first time working together, Dusty.

Yes, it is.

We were eating lobster rolls upstairs, having a good old time.

I'm excited for you to be here.

Dusty has wet heat out on Netflix, the podcast.

We're having a good time, and he's on tour at dusty slay.com, one of the best comedians working today.

Thank you, Tony.

Welcome.

I like this panel we have here.

You guys look like a before and after for hair.

Martin Phillips, how you doing down there?

I'm good.

I'm here.

Hell yeah.

I started just doing a minute.

Now I'm on panel.

Now I'm the captain now.

Oh, there it is.

That's why he's wearing the hat.

Now it all makes sense.

You're You're

Captain Phillips.

And me and Martin did a show together 10 years ago at an Italian restaurant in Portsmouth, Virginia.

And now here we are.

Wow.

Look at that.

From Phil Tony to Kill Tony.

Yes, an Italian restaurant to here.

Exactly.

Captain Phillips.

And I came prepared because I knew I'd be up on stage the whole night.

So to make sure my head is staying straight, I have a mirror.

Oh, what?

Oh, he's got a mirror.

My head is straight.

To make sure his head is straight.

You also have a corncob pipe.

I turned out, I can't keep the mirror still.

So it's gonna be kind of hard.

The Coke's been spilling off in the back.

Party Machine, Martin Phillips, Dusty Slays, first time on this show.

Dusty, if you don't know, over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show.

They're all slammed together in a bar next door.

If I pull one of their names out like I'm doing right now, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

It's just a loud noise.

It interrupts them.

I conduct an interview.

We sit back.

We learn more about the people and we talk to them all together.

The whole thing's improvised.

Anything can happen.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

While we go wrangle that first bucket pull, we have a golden ticket winner to start us off with a brand new minute.

This is his first time cashing in on his golden ticket.

He won it just a few weeks ago when he came out blind as a bat and impressed us all.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first golden ticket appearance by Chris Celio, everybody.

Here he comes.

What up?

Alright, I had to make sure.

I fucking just moved here.

I moved from Miami.

I moved 1,000 miles away from where I grew up my entire life.

Now I really don't know where the fuck I am.

It's like I'm in a part of a video game that hasn't loaded yet.

It sucks that I'm the only guy in here that just gets stuck like a Roomba.

Like if I don't tap, tap, tap, and find the exit, I'm just going to stand there and beep until somebody picks me up.

Like home

home, please.

I have to shit.

You don't know how long you can hold it and shit into your me.

And you never know where another bathroom's ever gonna be, dude.

You're like, well, I guess I'm never gonna shit again.

It sucks that, like, I'm the only guy in here that has to send his dick pics to his boys first for approval.

Yeah, I gotta be like, yo, yo, yo, yo, is this a good one?

And then they get to be like, why is your dog in the shot, Chris?

Were you aiming for all balls by chance?

This is just half your cock and not the good half.

It's all root.

Nobody wants all root.

Thank you guys very much.

Yeah.

Chris Celio.

Hell yeah.

Welcome back to the show, Chris.

This time this way, right?

Yeah.

We're over here.

There's speakers everywhere.

It could be easily confusing.

I love that you opened up with the line, what up?

Because you literally don't know.

And then I thought of something.

When you were talking about taking a shit, I realized, how do you know when you're done wiping?

Do blind guys...

God damn it, Tony.

Do blind guys smell the toilet paper?

You smell your hand.

DeMadness, let's get out of here, dude.

We don't have to take this, dude.

All right.

Somebody walk us out of here, dude.

Fuck.

No.

We've kidnapped both of your handlers.

You're going to be here for the rest of the night.

Gonna bring a little port-a-potty up here.

I'm fascinated that Chris had observational jokes.

I just, I don't know how I touched Chris a lot in the back because I wanted him to know that I was talking to him, you know?

I don't know how blind, I didn't know how blind he was, if that makes sense.

I don't know if that's offensive.

100%.

Don't worry.

I don't think you can ask.

You know what I mean?

I agree completely.

It's always, it's always different.

It's always, some people have a little bit of this.

Some people have a little bit of that.

Him and D-Madness right behind you, completely, 100% blind.

Not a single thing to be seen between them.

Party time, everybody.

I love it.

So, Chris, how's life been going since your last appearance?

It's been super fun, dude.

Yeah.

Well doing comedy around Austin.

I've been like navigating Austin alone.

Ooh.

Which is terrifying.

Yeah.

I had a pretty much homeless Uber driver the other day.

They all are, but yep.

I don't think it was an Uber.

I kind of think it's less scary to not see as you're walking.

Yeah.

Yeah, it might actually be better for you.

If you could see what's going on out there, you might move somewhere else.

Go blind again.

How do you navigate around by yourself?

Explain that to us.

Yeah,

I take a lot of Ubers.

This guy was literally like...

I am just fumbling my way through homeless encampments, avoiding HIV and

stabbings.

Aren't we all?

I kicked a guy's cup the other day and all of his change fell out.

Oh,

this was like all of the money I think he owned.

How much was it?

Could you tell from the sound?

Amazing stuff.

So Chris, tell us what the red, what do you do with the rest of your days?

Like what else goes on?

I just jerk off a lot.

All right.

Look at that.

Red man, you can go blind any day now.

No, I need.

What are you jerking it to, really?

I wonder like,

is it feels?

Are you thinking about feels?

I mean, these are real questions, right?

Yes.

Morgan Freeman stodder, like somebody has a great voice.

Yeah, I just.

What do you think about?

Can you picture things?

I go and pornhub, man.

I got a computer.

You know?

You just kind of listen to them?

Yeah, I do just listen to it, but I can't like listen to a blowjob video.

Right.

Yeah, because to me a blow.

It's just slurping and gagging.

It's not very accessible.

It could be a dude sucking that dude's dick.

I wouldn't really know, you know?

That's just gay.

Speak for yourself.

Amazing stuff, Chris.

Do you ever go on dates?

What's that like?

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't go on a lot of dates.

I gotta take girls to like different restaurants, different dates, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think it's fair that I go to a restaurant unless we're both blindfolded.

You You know?

I don't think it's cool that you just get to watch me eat steak on my hands.

Yeah.

God's chopsticks, all right?

But I like, I'll take a girl to like an escape room.

Ah.

Hell yeah.

And just see how she handles adversity, you know?

Let's get some problem-solving skills going here.

I love it.

I love it, Chris.

Other than jerking off and stand-up comedy, though, I mean, you must have like some hobby or something, right?

I can play some video games while blind.

No way.

Yeah, yeah, there's like games that, and that blows people's mind.

They immediately think, all right, he's faking.

And I'm like, no, I play video games very badly.

I'll just run into a wall for like an hour and just be like, I'm going to get it.

You know, like, god damn it, I'm going to beat this level.

You're really just pushing buttons, right?

And yeah, my brother has the controller unplugged.

Are you close with your brother?

Yeah, yeah.

He moved out here with us, too.

Nice.

And he can see?

Yeah.

That would suck.

Yeah, I mean, it seemed like it was a genetic thing, though, right?

What you had?

I was just born with fucked up eyes.

I just rolled bad.

You know, like.

Huh.

Well, you're pretty annoyed right away.

Just rolled them right back.

Yeah.

I was born with a lot oh talk to bearing so yeah i

had i had like like weird things like over my eyes i didn't even know if i had eyes in every other country me and martin were river babies you know like we're baby stone they're like oh this is a do-over baby okay or dead

but we live in america so we're here right now martin all right boom absolutely the american dream

well chris it was a great set.

Great, amazing stuff.

Well written.

You really crossed your I's and dotted your T's.

It was amazing.

Red Band?

I'd love to have you back on the Secret Show Thursday, man.

Look at that.

Another

real gig for Chris Celio.

And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

We were just

kidding.

There's your handler.

Look at him somehow seeming more blind than the blind guy.

Just a super confused handler.

Can we get a handler for his handler?

Get someone to guide his handler.

All right, folks, this is it.

The bread and butter of the show.

To the bucket we go where anything can happen, where we've met every single comedian who's ever been on this show.

And it goes like this: ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Pete Garza.

Everybody,

we're gonna meet Pete Garza.

I tried a glory hole for the first time.

I don't get what you wouldn't just shit in the toilet.

That other guy was fucking pissed.

Got on his shoes.

I gotta stop going to strip clubs.

I got an argument with the stripper the last time I went.

She wanted me to pay her $100

because I came in my pants.

I was like, bitch,

I came in with that.

It's not even my cum.

You don't know.

You dumb fucking slut.

I did still pay her the money, though.

Because I wanted to have sex with her.

But hey, you guys know me.

I always fuck with two condoms.

Not even scared of pregnancy or STDs.

I just hate the way that pussy feels.

My name is Pete Godsla.

Thank you so much.

All right, Pete Garnson.

I liked it.

You're a wild boy.

How old are you, Pete?

I know this.

I'm 24 next month.

Okay.

All right.

So you're 23.

Yes.

I believe so.

Perfect.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Oh, I know this one too.

You don't have to say that before everybody else.

I'm sorry.

About a year and a half, right?

Yeah, it was around the time Floopy the Rat died.

Okay, Pete.

Wow.

All right.

Who the fuck is Floopy the Rat?

What?

Who's?

Oh, oh, he was a rat.

He's dead dead now.

Was he a pet?

Yeah, you could call him that.

Yeah, he was, yeah.

He lived in a cage in my apartment and stuff.

Your energy makes me uncomfortable.

Really hitting the nail on the head with that one.

I mean, just acknowledging what we're all feeling right now.

It is an odd energy.

What do you do for a living with energy like that, people?

I've been working.

I was a caterer for weddings, but I just got another job at Pluckers and also a valet.

I got to decide.

You have to decide whether you want to work at Pluckers or Valet.

Big decisions.

I know.

I also got to find a place to live.

Wow, where do you live now?

I'm crashing at a couple friends' houses.

Okay.

How much stuff are you lugging around to each place?

Well, I got most of my things in Laredo right now, so I just have a couple bags with me.

I take both jobs.

You were a valet at a Pluckers?

Or they were separate?

No, no.

I'm going to be a servant.

I'm going to go to the masked dusty.

You say you did both jobs.

Oh, I'm saying you should take both.

Oh, I mean, you said you did both jobs.

Oh, I I have.

Well, I have.

Yeah, I think you should take both jobs.

I think you should really, really start working.

You don't have a place to live.

I know.

It's very scary.

Where are you from?

I'm from Laredo originally, down south.

How long have you lived in Austin?

Five years?

Five years.

Have you ever had your own place?

Yeah, yeah.

I moved here with my ex-girlfriend to go to UT.

That did not work out.

Really?

Call it.

Yeah.

No,

it was during COVID, so I dropped out after a year.

I had a full ride.

How'd you have a full ride?

Believe it or not, I was very smart back then.

I had like a, yeah,

no, I had like a 50.

I think we're all going with not.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't think the strip club is the right move for you.

I agree.

You're having some financial issues, it sounds like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I used to be doing pretty good.

I was a a valet at like a really nice resort, but I got fired from that.

Why'd you get fired?

I was late a lot.

Ah, and they gave me so many chances.

It was really my fault.

Wow.

Do you have a car?

Yes.

What kind of car do you have?

Mazda 6.

I like the car a lot.

Wow.

All right.

What do you like about it?

It's really pretty.

It's blue.

It's comfortable.

And it's reliable.

It's fun to drive.

That's enough.

That's yeah.

All right, Pete.

What's something surprising about your life that we could never guess about you?

Oh, this happened recently.

I almost had a threesome with a married couple, but then they asked me for a picture of my dick, and they told me that it was too big.

Prove it.

No,

no, no.

No, no, no.

They took my phone.

Right.

That's what I would say, too, if I was in your position.

How big are you?

Red band.

Red band asking for a measurement.

Like, actually,

20 centimeters.

All right, very, very good.

Okay, how big are you?

I think that's like eight inches.

Wow.

Look at that.

Someone would get a full ride if they hooked up with you.

You have good girth or is it like a 2K raid band?

Jesus Christ.

We get your little silly thing in there and then you just have to push it to the limit.

What is the girth like on it?

All right.

We don't really care.

Yeah.

It's just a thing we do where he goes over the line and then I pretend like I'm mad at him, but then I follow it up with the thing.

There's a whole highlight reel of these things.

Did you have both condoms on in the pick?

Yeah, that's a good question.

Helps the curve.

How big are you before you start wrapping multiple condoms around a three and a half?

Yeah.

I don't know, man.

I just, I like the tightness of it all.

Uh-huh.

All right, well.

You're a weird guy.

He really is.

He really is.

But a decent set, Pete.

As wacky as you are and as odd as you are in the interview portion,

I liked your set tonight.

Here's a big joke book.

There you go.

There he goes.

There he goes, everybody.

Pete Garza.

Uh-oh.

I know what that sound means.

It's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

She's got a new website, HeidiRegina.com.

How exciting.

Hi, everybody.

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All right, your next bucket pull, everybody, goes by the name of Jim Talley.

Here we go, Jim Talley.

Yeah, how y'all doing tonight?

Fuck yeah, I want to to talk about Elon Musk tonight, man.

Yeah,

I don't like the guy.

You know, I don't like how he's trying to take humans to Mars.

You know, I'm black.

I'm not going, right?

Listen, maybe it's just my black anxiety speaking.

I just, I don't want to run the risk of getting in no space slave rocket

to be taking unknown lands, you know?

You know what I'm saying?

Where are you going to stick us in the back of the rocket next to the thrusters and shit?

Smelling the gas leak and shit.

Fuck that, all right?

That's not NASA.

That's NASA, all right?

I'm gonna need to see a return ticket or something, is what I'm trying to say.

But no, I will give him some credit, though.

I think he got a lot of flack for that Nazi salute they said he did.

I don't think it was a Nazi salute.

Because I watched a lot of the historical footage, and the Nazi salute, it's a lot more zesty than that.

I'm serious, you know, Hitler was on some gay shit, you know?

Serious, how many straight men you ever seen do this?

Z.

Kyle, right?

My name's Jim Telly, guys.

You're in it.

Jim Tally.

Great set.

Yes, sir.

Fresh off of almost beating a pro wrestler to death this weekend.

No better place to come hide out from the police than here.

Yes, sir.

At the brother's ship.

You are profusely sweating.

Yo, I was walking here and apparently they called me and and I was still outside the building.

So I fucking jetted here.

I'm black, so I got here fast as fuck.

Oh my goodness gracious.

It is incredible.

You are soaking wet.

You look like you were just in a water park.

Did you ever go to water parks?

What do you think, Tony?

No, I bet you don't.

I don't swim.

I don't like to swim.

I don't like deep water

at all.

Martin Phillips, the captain's here.

That's it.

Look at me.

I am the captain now, not playing.

Wow.

Jim, you've been on this show before, correct?

Yeah, about two, three months ago.

Okay, remind us.

What do you do for work?

I'm a merchandiser for an international beverage company.

Whoa.

Yeah, I practice that backstage.

Okay.

Sounds great.

I am afraid of how sweaty you are.

It scared me, and I didn't want to say anything.

But I don't want to go to Mars either.

I'm with you.

You Dusty Slate?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Hell yeah, man.

All right.

I see you on the back of the bottom.

I've got a lot of fan in this whole place.

That's what I'm talking about.

A little respect there.

Yeah, I've seen him up in North Dakota.

Dusty's the man, man.

Fuck yeah.

I think Dusty.

Dusty meet Ashy.

Just kidding.

Just kidding.

It's the opposite of Ashy.

He's a self-moisturizing machine.

It's absolutely incredible.

Amazing.

So, Jim, what do you do for fun?

I do this shit.

I work out a lot.

I practice voices from time to time.

What type of workout studio are you out there lifting heavy white women?

Yeah, I do look like I fuck white hoes, but nah.

She's light-skinned, but yeah.

But anyways, but nah, I like powerlifting and shit.

I want to be able to be in movies one day, so I want to be able to be in shape for that shit.

Wow.

Okay.

What else have you been doing to prepare for this possible movie career?

Practicing monologues and, you know, again, voices and accents and all of that shit, which I am kind of good at.

Yeah.

I'd like to hear a voice.

Yeah, me too.

Let's hear some of these voices or accents.

All right.

Hello, guys.

My name is Jim.

All right.

As you lot can tell, I'm not from here.

That's pretty good.

I'm in charge.

I've got a few tricks for you lot tonight, and I'm going to do them.

You're going to laugh, and then I'm going to go.

Wow.

You know what?

I was going to arrest you, but I'm going to give you a warning instead.

Wow.

What else do we got what else do we got up our sleeves over there

no don't do don't do mark

don't do mark

oh what else you gotta do

oh i can do an african accent

yeah

oh yeah oh yeah

i actually was practicing this earlier um i was thinking what if i like What if I was to narrate a documentary about your life?

Me?

Yeah.

Okay.

You know?

In an African accent?

Absolutely.

Okay.

Let's hear it.

All right, here we go.

Here is Tony.

A gay man.

You know what?

I changed my mind.

You're under arrest.

You son of a bitch.

How dare you?

Oh, yeah.

No, I just said it like that.

That's so fun, Jim.

I love that.

What else about your life?

Tell us more, Jim.

You have a girlfriend, you said?

Yes, yes, I do.

What does she do?

She's a personal trainer, actually.

Wow.

So she's in good shape?

Exactly.

Amazing.

How long have you been with her?

Five years now.

Did you meet her at the gym?

No, I didn't, actually.

We met on Hinge.

Dating app designed to be deleted.

Thanks.

Hell yeah.

Amazing.

It worked for me.

Where'd you go on your first date?

She came to my house, actually, for our first date, and we went like walking around the park and shit.

That's about it.

It was very boring, actually, our first time meeting each other.

Did you hook up after that on that?

No, she wasn't trying to do it.

She's a good girl, Tony.

Right.

Well, you were probably also drenched in sweat.

You were probably wetter than she was on that first time.

Probably.

Probably.

She was like, uh-uh, nigga, right?

Now, is she just a light-skinned black woman or is she mixed 50-50?

No, she's like, well,

she's everything.

She's Trinidadian, Belize.

You know what?

She's under arrest, too.

I don't like the answers I'm getting here.

Wow, Jim, you ever have a near-death experience?

Um

yeah.

No, come on.

Oh

near-death, yeah.

I mean, kind of almost died, but I had to get I had an abscess that got infected and it was closing up my tubes.

It was kind of

like that.

Let me ask you a different question.

Yeah, I didn't like that one.

What scares you?

What are you afraid of?

What genuine...

Knives.

Tell me more about knives.

I'm scared of knives because I got circumcised in Africa when I was 16.

Whoa,

in African circumcision.

That sounds like the near-death experience.

I was hesitating about saying it, but yeah.

My goodness.

They use a knife, a regular knife, on 16-year-old Africans when they need like a samurai sword or something like that?

Butter knife?

A machete.

Yeah.

No, more like a machete.

My dad actually got his cut with with his machete.

Really?

Because like I did my shit.

At John?

No.

On two tit.

No.

Cotit.

But no, anyway.

What do you remember about that?

That had to be totally traumatizing.

A 16-year-old going in for a circumcision.

Yeah, it was December 25th, 2009, on Christmas.

Wow.

Exactly.

No, I got eight shots of anesthesia.

You got what?

I got eight shots of anesthesia to my dick.

Eight shots of anesthesia.

They went around four times.

They checked, and I could still feel it.

And then they went around another four.

Listen, I ain't gonna lie.

Like, I couldn't scream because my dad told me not to be a bitch, but my dick let out like a eh.

Amazing.

Like, my dick was done, you know?

Is this when you started doing voices?

Yeah, my dick was the first one.

It was the first.

Thank you.

Amazing.

But my dick grew.

It got bigger after that.

It did.

It was was swelling.

Ah.

Swelling into scarring.

So now I got ripped for her pleasure and shit.

Hell yeah.

Naturally.

Absolutely.

I'll take that back.

Don't show it on TV.

Okay.

Amazing.

I want to show this to my mom when she's watching this.

Sorry, mom.

That's right.

Where's your mom watching from?

Where's she at?

Right now, she's in South Florida.

Okay.

And she took you for the 16-year-old circumcision?

Nah, nigga, I did that myself.

You just went on your own?

I asked the doctor.

I just made sure that my sister could take me to the actual hospital, but no, I did that myself.

It was cheap.

It was like $39.99.

Plus a sec.

Wow.

Look at that.

Eight shots of anesthesia.

And your sister took you.

Yes, sir.

Her name's also Anesthesia.

Close.

It's Niassa.

So yeah.

Really?

Yeah, swear to God.

Wow.

Incredible.

Well, Jim Telly, fun times.

Fun set.

I think you did it.

Did you get a big joke book last time?

I did.

Well, then there you go.

Keep working on it.

Come back again, Jim Tally.

Look at this.

We're having a good time.

Which is also the name of Dusty Slice podcast.

And it's also what's happening right now.

All right, your next bucket pull looks like a new one.

Make some noise for Hal Soddy, everybody.

Hal Soddy.

Thank you.

I got circumcised in Costa Rica.

I used to sound like a girl when I was growing up.

Then my balls dropped.

Now I sound like a woman.

It's actually one of the reasons people would call me gay.

So I stopped talking.

Yeah, they can't call you a sissy if you don't say anything.

Oh, yes, they can.

So I stopped talking.

I stopped smiling.

I stopped fucking dudes.

What else does a guy need to do, you know?

All right,

I guess that's all I wanted to do.

Meow, huh?

It's another 15 seconds if you got anything else.

Oh, let's see.

I'm not a political guy.

But actually my liberal friends, they annoy me a lot, and my conservative friends, they annoy me just as much.

But what I think is cool about that is that you all thought I had friends.

Thank you.

There it is.

Hal Saddy.

Oh, yeah, Hal.

Welcome to the show.

Is this your first time on?

Yes.

How long have you been on stand-up?

About six years over a span of 12.

12 years.

Okay.

I quit a couple times.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

What made you quit?

I got tired of repeating my jokes and I started doing improv and I thought that was fun.

It was?

Then what happened?

Then I liked stand-up more.

Right.

And here you are.

You live in Austin now?

Yes, sir.

For how long?

About three years.

Okay.

You moved here for stand-up?

Yeah.

Okay.

How's it going?

It's been pretty good.

What do you do for work?

I'm a web developer.

Okay.

Yeah.

How long have you been doing that?

About 13 years.

And you're fully employed?

I'm self-employed, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Perfect.

Al-Sadi.

What's the name Hal Sadi?

What is that?

So it's my name is actually Halil, but I shortened it, and it's Arabic.

Okay.

Yeah.

What kind of Arabic?

My family's Lebanese.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Very cool.

I love it.

Do you always open your set with that circumcision joke or was that?

No, that was just resting on the guy.

I thought that was a weird coincidence.

Did you do it at Costa Rica?

Yeah, I grew up in Costa Rica.

Oh, okay.

So you really did?

Yeah, I heard it.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Was there anything odd about your circumcision?

I was a baby, so.

They do it differently in Costa Rica?

They probably ate it.

I don't know.

All right.

Yeah.

How's your girth?

Okay.

Red band.

Red band.

Come on, red band.

That's pretty thin.

Interesting.

So tell us something

interesting about your life, Hal.

I hear the sounds of flies in my head.

Okay,

all right.

Explain that a little bit better for us.

In Costa Rica, there's a lot of bugs, so I always hated that.

So when I moved here,

I always make...

There's one rule in my house.

It's always to close the door, because that's how they get in.

Right.

Okay, that is how they get in.

You hear these flies all the time?

Yeah.

You hear them right now?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, because of the noise.

Yeah, but seriously, you don't.

Sometimes I get PTSD from it because if there was a time like multiple flies got into my house and I just kept getting like

looking all over the place hearing flies.

Yeah.

Wow.

So you hear them when they're there.

It's actually a positive thing.

Yeah, yeah, it dude.

Sometimes, yeah.

I think we all suffer from that.

Do you need medication or something?

What was that?

Do you need medication and there is something?

I think so, yeah.

Dang.

You married?

You have a girlfriend?

I'm married, yeah.

Married?

You have kids?

No kids, just two dogs.

Two dogs.

Okay, you love your dogs.

I love my dogs.

What kind of dogs do you have?

They're mutts.

They're ones like a...

They're both pit bull mixes.

All right.

Yeah.

That's a ticking time bomb.

There must be more to you, Hal.

What else?

You have any big passions?

You collect like locomotives or something?

I do like trains, yeah.

I uh

trying to think.

Uh

you know what?

I had like stuff that I would prepare, and then when I got here, they all it just went away.

They just flew out of your head.

It was the fly.

Yeah, with the flash.

Yeah, so fly.

Do you like fire trucks more than trains?

Okay.

Do I look autistic?

That's why.

A little bit.

There's no touch.

A little touch.

Okay, Red Banner.

All right.

All right, Hal.

Well,

here's a medium-sized joke book.

There he goes.

Hal Soti.

All right.

All right.

We're having fun.

You guys having fun out there?

Here's another bucket pull for us, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for Trip Callahan, everyone.

Trip Callahan.

Oh, my God.

Guys.

I saw Target.

They got in trouble for selling tuck-friendly bikinis to children.

I guess like like a bikini with a little pouch where you can tuck the dick.

At first I thought it was weird, but then I realized it was probably even more weird to be against it.

Because basically what you're saying, if your son's wearing a bikini, then I want to see the cock.

Yeah, dude, your kid can't be trans unless it's fucking swinging.

I got weird opinions on everything.

I still think race matters a lot.

Like, for example, a white lab, that's a great dog.

A black lab is also a great dog.

But a Chinese lab, that will shut down the world economy.

I am against racism, though.

Like, there's nothing I love more than when a racist gets poetic justice.

Like, whenever I see a racist white chick, I always secretly hope she gets fat.

Yeah, because then she has to fuck black dudes.

So

Trip Callahan.

Great set.

Welcome, Trip.

Thank you.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

I did it like once a year in college, but like four years.

Four years.

Where at?

Pittsburgh and then here.

Awesome.

How long have you been here?

Like a year and a half or so.

Awesome.

What do you do for work?

HEP, bro.

Yeah.

In the good lords we trust

the one true God who watches over us, Lord HEB.

We were literally talking about it before the show in the green room.

If you're wondering what we're talking about, we're talking about fucking little H-E-B tricks that people don't even know.

Red Band, would you like to tell the crowd what you informed us here just this evening, not even fucking an hour ago?

You know, if you buy crabs or snow crab legs, you just take them to them and they will boil it for you with a different kind of seasoning for free while you're shopping.

So if you get crabs or lobsters, you go, you know what?

Now cook it for me.

While I go shop, I'm going to come back and pick up the crab legs the way I fucking want them.

But I mean, I wouldn't recommend talking to the people like this, but it's more like in your head, you know what I mean?

You're like, please and thank you in real life, but in your head, you know they're just fucking cooking them for you.

It's unbelievable.

Is this a a true fact?

Do you work at HEB?

Yeah, dude.

I work in like produce.

I got like Happy Gilmore's job, basically.

Wow.

Incredible.

So tell us more about your life at H-E-B.

We love H-E-B.

It's a dream sponsor.

It's from Shirts Right Around the Corner.

Well, it's not that bad, actually.

I'm stocking shelves.

I'm moving around pallets.

And then sometimes they put me in the back with like the Mexicans and I chop up fruit and stuff.

Ooh, okay.

Yeah, sounds racist, but it all checks out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like the only white white person on my team, so it rules.

Yeah, of course.

Let me ask you something.

There was a very controversial case.

A young man, a young autistic boy recently was working at a grocery store, and they caught him eating a little bit of the, what they call, what would they call that, go backs or like the fruit cups or something?

It was like outdated

kind of stuff.

I once worked at a grocery store when I was 16 years old.

Giant Eagle in Yonks.

Big Bear Kroger guy.

Whoa, we remember both of of these places very clearly.

Two Ohio-based, extremely prolific grocery stores, nowhere near to the good lords at HEB.

But how do you bend the rules?

You ever take an old magazine?

Because there's a lot of things that go on at grocery stores that you people don't even think about.

You non-GS.

Well, we can take like...

I do like, we can take like the fruit.

We just have to say we're sampling it so we're like, can give the customer a better experience.

So you're kind of allowed to at H-E-B, which rules.

A lot better than whatever the fuck that.

Do you remember what that one was?

No, I don't.

Oh, it was.

I do.

I do almost remember.

It was

Ralph's.

No, no, no, no, no.

It doesn't really matter.

No, it was.

What was it?

That was Wire.

Yes.

I got caught shoplifting there.

Very controversial.

You got caught shoplifting?

Yeah.

What did you shop?

You got the embarrassing thing I ever.

It was.

No, it was what's fucking

Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack and

one of the Apollo App Duel albums.

I guess there was two different ones.

It was the red one, I think.

Look at that.

I thought I was the gay one on the show.

Jeez, what do I have to gain weight to balance this?

We're supposed to play our characters.

Unbelievable.

Wow.

So tell us more about H-E-B.

Tell us

what we...

It's clean, right?

Yeah, it's pretty clean.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know.

It's kind of just a like manual labor job.

It's not that hard, but.

No, we know.

We know.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

But

I mean, I like it.

It's bad.

I worked in sales before.

I hated that, dude.

So I actually don't mind it.

Wow.

It's not that funny.

Sorry, guys.

Dusty of you.

Well, I would just want, like, you, like, you dress like Adam Sandler and you have the job of Happy Gilmore.

Are there other Adam Sandler things you do in your life?

Yeah.

is it true that you're still in fourth grade

reading level but yeah dude no uh dude i play golf i think that's adam sandler yeah that counts yeah i'm not good though dude i love it okay

trip what else what else about you tell us something crazy about your life that makes you different than everybody else well i knew uh when i was growing up i knew a guy who tried to become a serial killer oh tell us more he only got to two he like failed he got caught but uh

yeah.

Two's not bad, though.

Not bad.

He's all right.

He's serial.

He went to the other high school in my area.

He was like this fat Jewish rapper.

And he would show up at parties in freestyle or whatever.

He wasn't good, but like...

But then when we went off to college, he started doing heroin.

And he like took more than the recommended dose or whatever.

So,

yeah,

he OD'd.

They bring him back.

and

like his brain was all fucked up.

Also, turn him into like a gay homosexual.

And he was like, that's what happened to me.

Yeah, and he wasn't happy about it, man.

Because imagine you're doing heroin, which is like awesome.

And the next time you wake up, you can't come without getting fucked in the ass.

Whoa.

Yeah.

So then he was really mad about it.

He started killing gay guys.

That's who he was killing?

Yeah, other gay guys.

Yeah.

But gay guys he went on dates with.

yeah yeah well the one not really like this is like revenge a little bit man well the one guy he met on a dating app this is how he got caught he uber to the guy's house walked in shot him walked back out ubered home

so i i think it left like a paper trail or something did a little heroin

wow bad date yeah yeah yeah

amazing

i can't believe the jewish serial killer used uber not lift good point

He's paying dollars more.

Yeah, he didn't tip the guy much.

I don't think.

Yeah.

Incredible.

Trip, is your real name?

No, my real name's Joseph, but I've been called Trip since I was a baby.

Why did they call you Trip?

Uh, because I'm like the third, so like Triple.

It's like if a black dude's name like Trey, it's sometimes the same thing.

Oh, yeah, totally the same thing.

I don't know.

Martin trips all the time.

Everybody calls him Martin.

I should be tripped.

I should be tripping.

I love it, Trip.

Well, you had a great set.

It was a very fun, very fun interview.

Great stuff, man.

Here's a big joke book.

Come back, sign up again.

Trip Callahan.

All right, let's do something special here, everyone.

You may have been paying attention to this storyline, but a couple months ago, I lost

a real big Texas Hold'em heads-up poker match

and I have to finish paying off my debt.

This is my final debt, is this spot.

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I'm gonna bring to this stage a very funny man.

He's just starting out in stand-up comedy, but he is literally the number one ranked heads-up Texas hold'em poker player in the world.

He lives here in Austin, Texas.

Make some noise for his second-ever minute on Kiltoni.

This is Doug Polk, everybody.

Doug Polk.

I'm a professional poker player, but this show changed my life.

Since my first appearance, my DMs have been flooded with dick pics.

Tony, can you please stop?

I have a wife and kids.

And besides, I only asked for one.

I was at the store the other day and was denied beer because apparently you can't buy alcohol before 10 a.m.

in Texas.

It's a dumb law, right?

But the crazy part, these were non-alcoholic beers.

When you're buying non-alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning, you know you're a pretty serious non-alcoholic.

You know when I knew?

I had a late night out drinking.

When I woke up the next morning, I could remember everything.

It's getting pretty bad.

I think it might be time to join Non-Alcoholics Anonymous.

Can you imagine that?

Hi, everybody.

I'm Doug

I don't have any problems it's a 0.0 step program it's just so nice not to take any daily steps am I right Red Band

big close on the Red Band the slow head shake from red band always makes me laugh

Doug fun time sorry about the dick pics

that was a fun set

Yeah.

I heard a, so I came in with the dick picks jokes, and then the first guy talked about dick pics, and the second guy talked about dick pics.

I'm like, god damn.

It's going to be a tough day.

Every once in a while, a premise just goes through on and on.

Usually it's jerking off and this and that, but it's a special dick pic episode of Kill Tony.

I think Glory Holes have also gotten two mentions here tonight.

But anything can happen.

You never know what's going to happen.

But the non-alcoholics thing, interesting, right?

Kind of like a normal, regular attempt at a premise.

Like, it's it's tricky.

Is this true that you're addicted to non-alcoholic beer?

Well, so I was at the store and we were at like Whole Foods and we were checking out and I go through like I'll be drinking or not drinking and I was like, I'll just grab some non-alcoholic beers.

And it was 9.48 a.m.

at Whole Foods.

And they're just like, oh, sorry, we can't sell you these.

Whole Foods, boo,

man.

Sorry, HEB, HEB.

This is an HEB-exclusive audience.

Even the people visiting visiting have bent the knee to the dark lords of HEB.

Does Nashville have a killer grocery store?

Nashville?

I don't think.

I mean, you know, we have Publix.

Publix is good.

Oh, some real pop for Publix here.

Publix is what's up.

Where shopping's a pleasure, they say.

Martin, where do you do your shopping?

Walmart.

Wow.

A-T-B.

All right, H-E-B.

I'm still kind of poor.

I wanted to say, it feels like buying non-alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning is a worse problem

than buying regular beer.

Because they're just like, why?

Yeah.

They're both problems, but they're different.

Yeah.

But one seems worse to me.

Yeah.

Like you.

You're like, I want to get started, but I got stuff to do.

Do you ever feel a buzz off on non-alcoholic beers?

No, no, I don't think so.

No.

I'm not the actual expert.

I guess I should have maybe clarified that.

No, it's okay.

An interesting fun fact about Doug is that he's so good at poker that he's kind of awkward at anything else.

I don't know if you guys have ever seen like Magnus Carlson talk or anything or really anybody.

None of them really make many public appearances when you're a freak sabant.

Fun fact about Doug Polk is you have about 10 or 15 minutes to beat him in poker.

And at that point, he's already figured out where you look, where you blink, what you sound like, what you do, and every single thing that changes.

So I know you think that you'd have a chance against him, but you really don't.

But you do in the first 10 or 15 minutes.

And then after that.

Yeah, well, the beautiful thing about poker is that there's a lot of luck, right?

Because if you play Magnus Carlson in chess, he's just going to crush you.

But in poker, anyone can win, which is good.

But the pros obviously win in the long run.

Yeah.

It's freaky.

Yeah.

Would you say that you have to know when to hold him and know when to fold them?

Yeah.

There's a lot of truth to that song.

For sure.

And tell us,

how are you doing?

How's poker been going?

Update these people of what your life is like.

Yeah, so I'm looking at my worst year ever this year.

Yeah, I'm down like 700K.

Oh, okay.

Only $700,000 every month.

Kilda Eba.

We'll get them there.

We'll get them there.

I I know which one's worse.

700K.

Yeah, no doubt about it.

So what is your plan to win back this money?

Well, I'm going to, I guess, play more poker.

Yeah.

That's kind of all you got, you know?

Is there a reason why you're having a bad year?

Is it just bad luck?

Is it post-flop chaos?

Are you in with the right odds?

Getting your steps in.

Are you misreading?

Oh, look who's getting his revenge now that he knows you're down 700K.

I think a little bit of it is I've been kind of focusing more on comedy and stuff like that and you know hanging out with some of the guys here or whatever.

Yeah, we're a bad influence.

Yeah, well, obviously I'm the one that's doing badly, but I've been hanging out with like Uncle Lazer and

that's a

fuck dude

You're getting non-alcoholic beer and then hanging out with Uncle Laser?

That's even worse.

Even D-Madness is like, I'm out of here, dude.

This is some bullshit.

He actually, he had me come open for him the other day.

Uncle Laser.

Yeah, yeah.

Like a show here in Austin, yeah.

I put on my nicest wife beater.

That's great.

Hell yeah.

You know, what I just realized is Chris Celio on this episode, D-Madness on this episode.

We have a big blind and a small blind here as well.

One more thing.

See the worlds they cross over.

One angry man just staring at me right into my eyes.

Incredible.

He did not like that joke.

Doug, fun times.

It's a fucking, it's a process, stand-up comedy.

You came out and you nailed the joke on me.

You closed with the red band thing, the non-alcoholic.

I agree with Dusty.

I think that it's worth examining, kind of like

flipping that,

if that makes sense, like flipping your take on it.

Because it seems like you would be the craziest human being buying non-alcoholic beer that early in the morning, like you're trying to really chase some demon.

Yeah.

But not at the same time.

And 700K, you know, sometimes you got to know when to walk away and

know when to run, you know.

But Doug, it's been fun.

We had fun playing poker that night.

And you're a great human being and very, very fun to watch.

Make sure you check out his streams and whatnot.

Very entertaining.

Like a freak athlete.

This guy who beats the shit out of everybody.

Even though he's 700K in the hole.

But he's won millions and millions of millions before, so it sounds a lot sadder than it actually is.

Are we still having fun out there, everybody?

We're going back to the bucket, everyone.

Make some noise for Matt Campbell.

Matt Campbell.

Hello.

I'm English.

Or as you lot like to call me, gay.

Thank you for that.

I had expectations when I came to this country, guys.

Everything I learned about you lot is filtered through the media you send my way.

So when I was coming up, high school musical coming out.

What the fuck was that?

An all-white basketball team won a state championship?

Fuck right off.

Yeah, I was also disappointed the sequel didn't involve a school shooting scene.

I was completely unprepared for these high school drills, guys.

You have to understand, I didn't know a shit about basketball.

Fuck me, sideways.

My dad's South African, which means I'm genetically racist.

But he has a poster of Mandela.

That's been my time.

The cat was a little loud there.

Would you say your dad is he's South African okay all right welcome welcome uh

how long you been on stand-up

almost five years all of it in England no I started in America Colorado okay what made you start in Colorado nasty breakup see you fell in love with an American girl I did moved to Colorado I know And how long were you in Colorado?

I know that you know.

I'm just

keeping everybody together so the interview makes sense here.

He's just peeling me apart, mate.

I'm sorry.

So how did you meet this American girl?

Oh no, no, no.

I moved out here well before that.

My dad got a job when I was 15.

And then I moved out here with him.

He's not brave or anything.

He's not in the military.

He's just like a tech support guy.

We know.

He's English.

South African if he was paying attention.

But he's a citizen of England, right?

No.

So he's just in England.

He's American now.

Oh, he lives in America.

He went from South Africa to America.

Yes.

How did you end up in England?

My mother's vagina.

How did your dad end up in your mother's vagina if that was in England?

He worked very, very hard.

Did he visit England?

A lot.

Right.

So your dad's been in England?

Oh, yeah, no, no, no.

Yeah.

But he never lived there?

No, we lived there for a while.

He lived there for a while.

He never lived there.

He just rewinded two minutes.

You little fucking spermy British bastard.

Coming in to have your moment.

British comedian kills, killed Honor.

Look at this clip.

You son of a bitch.

All right.

So Matt, what do you do for work?

Valet, W Hotel.

Wow, the W Hotel.

You're not also picking up shifts at a Kluck House?

No, but they desperately needed a diversity hire, and I was the best they could get.

Of course.

Yeah.

Of course.

Everybody loves that wacky accent.

Sir, a valet, a job that absolutely will be taken over by robots in no time.

I'm sorted.

What's your big goal?

What are you going to do?

You focus on stand-up?

You do a lot of spots.

Yeah.

You love it.

Going to Houston next month, but other than that, pretty good right now.

What are you doing in Houston?

Got a apparently a drug show.

I don't do a lot of drugs, but I'm prepared.

What are they gonna make you do?

Smoke the devil's lettuce?

Yes, for you.

Really?

Wow, you're right.

My dad likes to call it the wacky baky, which is pretty fun.

Wow.

He's old.

He's like near 70.

Wow.

Those South Africans, they just fucking.

They age like black dudes.

It's great.

It's amazing.

They are from Africa.

Yes.

Have you spent any time in South Africa?

Yeah, a couple trips.

Yeah.

Do you ever hear flies inside your head?

No, no, no.

Never flies inside my head.

But I remember one trip, I went to visit my grandmother, and the most vivid memory I have of her is just her walking up to me and squashing a chameleon in front of me when I was four.

Wow.

Yeah, just with a big rock, 60-year-old grandma.

Were you playing with the chameleon?

No, I was just looking at it.

Oh, wow.

It's tragic.

But you were looking at it, enjoying it.

Yeah, I was happy in that moment.

And she could see it.

Yeah.

She knew.

She knew.

That's all the chameleon.

That's its fault.

Well,

Martin.

Yeah, Diane.

Martin.

Martin, if you.

Martin, if you know anything about South Africa, it was definitely the wrong color.

Alright?

That sounds like your grandma goes after a lot of chameleons, yes, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Different colors, I guess.

Matt Campbell, tell us something else wacky about your life, Matt.

I went to an all-boys Catholic school in the UK.

Hitting the old pipe.

Celebrating his victory.

No!

So this girl in Colorado, she broke your heart?

Yeah.

Tell us about it.

How did she break your heart?

She had a fat ass.

Oh.

Hell yeah.

You don't find those in England.

No.

They look and sound like me, Tony.

Oh, I know.

Yeah.

I know.

We were just there.

How was it?

Did you enjoy it?

No.

Oh, it's funny.

We literally hated everything about it.

Worst week of our lives.

Yeah, it was the worst.

Were you thinking about doing comedy before the breakup or did you just run right out and do it?

No, I've always kind of liked comedy, but I never got the balls.

She discouraged?

Yeah, no, she.

It's not that she discouraged anything, it's just I sort of found nothing to care about after she gave that sweet pussy up.

How did she let you know that she was breaking up with you?

Oh, I found out she was texting a dude named Grandma.

Ooh.

Wow, turns out that grandma was crushing chameleons, too.

I know.

Wow.

Wow.

Damn.

The old naughty grandma.

She might as well have been.

She was a little bit older than me.

So she had it saved in her phone under grandma.

It was under grandma.

What kind of text was she sending to grandma?

Filthy.

Yeah.

Filthy.

Were you at first like, is this how you talk to your grandmother?

No,

I genuinely felt like.

That's what Americans do with their grandparents.

I genuinely felt like Sherlock Holmes when I figured it out.

And then realized I'd been retarded the whole time.

Just not lying.

You're like, your grandma's up late.

His grandma is really horny at 2 a.m.

Was there a specific text or moment where you really figured it out?

Did you?

Yes.

Yes.

7 o'clock in the morning.

Yeah.

What was it?

It was May 19th, 2021.

Brutal, dude.

Yes.

Brutal.

Just got out of the shower and she'd left her phone on the side.

And grandma said, so when are you coming over?

And coming was not spelled properly.

Wow.

Grandma's old.

Yeah.

In that spell.

Yeah, I'm not sure you made the right move here.

Yeah, man.

This sounds, when are you coming over?

I mean, that's not as dirty as I was expecting.

Two M's, mate.

Well, I got, I'm from Alabama.

I got relatives that can't smell.

I mean, that's not the worst misspelling I've seen.

Matt, Matt, Matt.

So how did you handle this situation?

Did you just...

Had a quick spaz, immediately gave up, and then she started doing comedy.

Did she omit it?

Not immediately because she was like staring at Bible quotes, but like after we figured that out, you know?

She was staring at Bible quotes?

We took Jesus out of it, yeah.

Out of the argument.

What do you mean exactly?

Well, like in the moment when I found her cheating on me, her phone, she was reading the Bible.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that is the reddest flag humanly possible.

So how did she talk to Jesus?

Martin Phillips is on tour at MartinPhillipsComedy.com.

Wow.

My goodness.

Did she have any text messages with Jesus in her phone, perhaps?

I fucking hope not, man.

I fucking hope not.

Incredible, Matt.

Well, fun times, my friend.

You're doing it.

You're chasing the American dream.

God damn right.

Congratulations.

There's a big joke book.

There he goes.

Matt Campbell, everyone.

I'm English, but my father's South African.

All right, I have a feeling the tone's about to change tremendously in this room.

Make some noise for mushroom mat, everyone.

This uh

there's mushroom mat.

Alrighty, folks.

So I'm a bartender, right?

Make been bartending for over a decade.

Make thousands of drinks.

I've made thousands of drinks.

People order some weird ass shit.

And I don't blink, but one thing does throw me off, though.

And that's when people order their drinks virgin.

I don't get it.

I've never fucked a drink before serving it to a customer.

You know, I don't pop the cherry before I garnish your Manhattan.

I love alcohol, but I'm not going to stick my dick in your whiskey tonic.

That's a health code violation.

So, as a bartender, I've had a lot of different bar jobs, like a lot.

I've worked at over 40 different restaurants.

My friends say I'm a bar slut.

And you know, it's a good thing you can't catch an STD from working at a bunch of restaurants.

Actually, I take that back.

Don't sleep with the cocktail waitresses at P.F.

Changs

or Buffalo Wild Wings.

They look fun, but it's not worth it.

So did y'all hear...

Okay, that's good.

Did you want to finish it?

Is it a quick one?

Yeah, it's a quick one.

Did y'all hear what?

It's kind of stupid, but

they're going to...

Did you hear that they're going to deport everybody in Albuquerque and New Mexico?

No.

Yeah, that's right.

Trump says no more New Mexicans.

Ah, got it.

Got it.

You're right.

Dumb as fuck, that joke is.

Welcome, Mushroom Matt.

That's going fun times, Mushroom Matt.

There's a lady that just got murdered in the middle of the room.

Let's talk about it.

Did you really get STDs from PF Chang's BW3s?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

What kind of STDs are we talking about?

Chlamydia.

Wow.

Yeah.

I've had chlamydia twice, one from my high school sweetheart, and then once from the girl at PF Chang's.

Wow.

That's why everyone's ordering virgin drinks from

I make a mean spicy martini.

Wow.

The non-alcoholic beverages jokes are really flying tonight.

I gotta tell you.

How long you been bartending, Mushroom Matt?

10 years or 9.

How long is it coming up Monday?

So I started three years ago.

I took like an intermission and then like I moved out here like six months ago and I've been going pretty hard since I moved out here.

Uh-oh.

What are you laughing so hard on over here?

Fuck.

Took an intermission.

Yeah.

What do you mean by an intermission?

I don't know.

Somebody close to me died and I kind of just stopped doing it for a while.

Who was it?

Who died?

Her name was Nina.

She had a Bentin L O D.

I knew her since I was 12.

She was like my high school sweetheart.

Oh, of course.

She gave you chlamydia.

Yeah.

Is she the one that gave you chlamydia?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to put her on blast, but...

Well, you can't put her on blast anymore, my friend.

It's all good now.

She's in a place where chlamydia doesn't exist.

I hope so.

Yeah, I really hope so.

Did you say you've worked at 40 restaurants?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been at it.

Nine years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know.

It's like...

You're not that good at it.

No, no, no.

It's like the restaurant industry is weird, dude.

Like, there's places you'll go and you'll work.

And like, after a month, you're like, oh, shit, this place sucks.

Like, they lie to you.

And then, like, you start working for them.

And then, like, you end up getting screwed.

And then you're like, okay, this isn't worth it.

Then you jump to another, jump to another.

It takes a while to like find a good spot.

But once you find a good spot, you stay there for a while.

Wow.

So have you been dabbling in some serious drugs, Mushroom Matt?

Go by the name Mushroom Matt.

I am a big fan of mushrooms.

We talked about it last time.

I've even announced before.

Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

I love mushrooms.

I actually give them out to comedians that I like because I have a lot of them, so I just give them out.

Not psychedelic.

They're truffles.

What does that mean?

What's the difference?

No,

I don't want to get in trouble.

It's Texas, you know.

It's okay.

You've already said enough.

Go on.

For sure.

So what's the difference between psychic?

Oh, you're saying.

Okay, so you are.

All right, I got you.

Okay, yes.

Okay, excellent.

Do you like me?

Yeah, yeah.

Dude, yeah, absolutely.

You're fucking dope, man.

Talk to me, dude.

This guy's gonna be tripping all over town.

Yes.

Mushroom mat.

So, but other than mushrooms, what other drugs have you done?

I liked, oh, that like a lot.

I don't know.

Like, when I was 19, I was pretty hardcore drug user, and then like I stopped doing hard drugs.

Like heroin?

Like

everything.

Like I've done everything.

A bit of an intermission.

Yes, yes.

You know, maybe when I get older, like

late ages, I'll do hard drugs.

But like when I'm young, I kind of want to try to preserve my youth and use my time as wisely as I can.

Okay.

I feel like it's too late for you, man.

Yeah, fuck, man.

You really think you've worked at 40 restaurants?

Yeah.

How fast do you think you can name the

how many?

So here we go.

Chubby.

Give me a little restaurant name and music here, John D's.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

Chubby's on Broadway, P.F.

Changs, Sailor Jax.

Fuck, dude, it's distracting.

Sailor Jax,

Westside Bistro.

Fuck, guys.

It's over.

You're fired again.

You're fired.

I can do it.

Fuck, dude, that was hard, man.

I could, like, I have worked at a lot of restaurants, restaurants, but, like, it takes, like, I don't know, that was very

intimidating.

How many different Buffalo Wild Wings?

Just one.

Just the one.

It wasn't bad as a bartender.

You know, you'd make like two to three hundred dollars a night.

Not bad.

Yeah.

It seems like one of the lower end jobs, but they pay you at the end of the night.

It's chilling.

Was there ever a time where you got fired and you didn't deserve it?

Oh, yeah, dude.

Oh, God, yes, dude.

So,

okay,

like, you guys can probably tell this.

I have like a lot of energy, right?

Yeah.

You have former drug user energy.

You've seen this before.

A lot of great comedians haven't.

A lot of great comedians used to do fucking serious drugs.

I'm not saying you're one of these great comedians.

I'm just saying that it's a thing that our friends have in common.

Tim Dylan, Theo, all these guys have fucked up.

I love Tim Dylan.

Party to the absolute limits.

Yeah.

So

fuck, what was I saying?

There it is.

There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

Confirmation that indeed.

Okay.

Fuck, I lost my train of thought.

Have you ever been fired and didn't deserve it?

Okay, so I have a lot of energy and like I use the restroom a lot and that like I have a really nervous jet.

It looks bad, right?

It looks bad.

Like I've literally been fired from three different jobs because they thought I was like doing Coke and like I.

Talk right into the tip.

We can hear your heartbeat.

Keep it up there.

I've been filed for multiple different restaurants because I have like a lot of energy and I use the restroom a lot and it just comes off like i'm doing blow but i don't always do blow at work you know

would you say you have more energy right after you pee um

uh it's like i mean usually in pretty yeah no less because i'm in a rush to get to the bathroom so i'm like you know

really jonesing for the bathroom yes yeah

I think you're up coke right now.

No, no, no.

See, that's what my manager's saying.

I'm like, nah, dude, I'm just like this, man.

Like, fuck.

You should do Coke for the interview, and then it would always be lower.

Dude,

wise words, man.

Actually, yeah, that's a good strategy.

What helped you get off the hard drugs?

I don't know.

Probably someone out there.

you know, watching the show right now, just tied one off, fucking heating up a spoon right now, getting ready to go work their shift at a pf chang

fucking bar you could save their lives right now explain to them how you did it you perhaps start a collection of locomotive trains

i don't know like i never really had addictive tendencies i just like struggled to fit in and like when i was doing drugs there was like people to hang out with so like i would do drugs but like i i like was on at a roll since i was eight so like meth wasn't really like i don't know i didn't really like it i just did it because there's people doing meth with me you know so you were doing meth while you were on Adderall

no yeah well no what

that's exactly what a guy still on meth and Adderall would say

How do you get rid of chlamydia just asking for a friend?

They give you a shot in the ass.

Wow.

Yeah.

Damn, that's how I got it.

That's another gay joke, everybody.

That's awesome.

All right.

Mushroom matte.

Fun times.

There you go.

Thank you.

Mushroom matte, everybody.

All right.

Look at that.

A compelling interview.

Here we go.

Looks like we're going to get our first female comedian of the

combatants.

Mayonnaise.

One more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody.

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Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

And now,

this looks like it could be a new name.

Make some noise for Elena P, everyone.

Elena P.

Hey, Austin, how's it going?

Good, good.

Are we dating?

Anyone dating here in the crowd?

Yeah, actually, I don't know why I'm asking.

I really don't care.

I'm dating a doctor, so, and he's hot, so I win, you know?

But,

you know, when I told my family and my friends I was dating a doctor, obviously, mom's super excited.

Some of my friends were a little bit concerned.

They were like, dating a doctor?

I'm like, yeah.

They're like, haven't you seen Gray's Anatomy?

Aren't you a little bit worried?

I'm like, yeah, you know, Mick Dreamy, McSteamy.

And they're like, exactly.

Like, you think he's hooking up with nurses in the stairwell?

I was a little bit taken aback.

Honestly, I was a little offended.

I was like, you guys.

He's a gentleman.

You're crazy if you think he's hooking up with nurses in the stairwell.

He's at least fucking them in the call room.

My God, come on.

No, sleep, anything.

The only thing that's really screwing him is the American healthcare system.

So, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

That's it.

Thank you guys.

All right.

Elena P,

welcome to the show.

Is this your first time on it?

It is my first time.

How long have you been on stand-up?

Today's my first day, y'all.

Wow, starting here?

Did you do an open mic earlier or something?

You know, I go to a lot of open mics with my boyfriend.

He He actually does comedy.

So we came to Austin on Friday night and we leave Wednesday afternoon, but we've been popping around to all the local spots.

You're dating a doctor that also does comedy?

I do, yeah.

That's his backup plan.

If comedy doesn't work out, he's got the doctor thing to follow up.

Is he a real doctor?

He really is a real doctor.

What kind of doctor is he?

A general practitioner.

Yeah.

He does.

Wow.

Clearly, I did not go to medical school, so I don't know.

Like an urgent care.

Yeah.

You know what?

If you go...

turns out they make a lot of money working at urgent care, so yeah, really.

How much money?

Do you know how much money he makes?

I know that he just got, he's now able to actually practice on his own.

And if he got like a job at urgent care, I think they'd be like $200 an hour or something ridiculous.

Like, yeah, it's crazy.

I know.

How about you?

What do you do for a living, Elena?

So, I'm a photographer, so I actually like zero dollars

per hour.

Anything, zero dollars ever total made.

Wow.

I am a photographer and a Legree instructor.

Most people don't know what Legree is, but if you do.

What is it?

Legree.

What is that?

That is like Pilates on Steroids, essentially, is what it is.

And you do that.

I do.

Yeah.

I've been coaching for three years and taking for four.

Okay.

Do you do private classes?

You know what?

For you, Red Band.

For you, Red Band, I would.

Yes.

Whoa.

Look at that.

Yeah, I got you.

He's been eating a lot of Pilates of food.

That's plates.

Plates, but pronounced it plates.

Yeah, there you go.

P-space lattes.

Because you like plates.

Multiple plates.

I can agree with that.

I can agree with that.

Hell yeah.

Elena, how long have you been with this guy?

We've known each other for a year, and

we've been officially dating for six months, 11 months, seven months.

And you really trust him?

Yeah, yeah.

Does he ever text his grandma?

You know, I don't actually know.

I think one of his grandmothers is probably dead.

The other one alive, I think.

I think he's close with his grandma.

We'll see.

I don't know.

I haven't met the grandmother.

I don't get into personal life too much.

Yeah, I felt like a whole form if I want to talk to him, really.

So that's for $200 an hour when he's at an open drive and you going, you're really losing money here, buddy.

Yeah, right.

No, I like to tell him at least I made more money than he has at comedy shows because I actually get paid as a photographer to take their photos.

Yeah, he's made, you know, nothing really.

Oh, Martin Phillips is furious, right?

I said, oh, yeah, you got him.

Oh, you show it up.

Yeah, I know.

You showing up.

Wow.

Yeah.

Incredible.

So where did you meet this guy?

We met on a boat, actually, which is, I love your captain's hat right here.

Look at it.

This is the captain of the boat.

Martin Phillips is our captain.

Look at that.

He is.

Yep.

If anybody's wondering who sunk the Titanic, there he is everybody.

Yeah, we met on a boat.

It was my friend's birthday that I got invited, and he lives at my friend's complex.

So they were like down at the pool or something or another, and he was like...

Hanging out with his friend who was seeing my friend and they were like, hey, we're going on a boat tomorrow.

They told me I was going on the boat tomorrow.

Where was this boat at?

It's at Percy Priest.

So I know Dusty Slay here is from Nashville.

I live right next to Percy Priest.

Yeah.

I was there that day.

Yeah, right, yeah.

I can picture you just standing behind a tree watching the whole thing happening.

Yeah, hell yeah.

Now that's love if I've ever seen it.

Right, right.

The start of fresh love.

I'll say, hey, we were having a good time.

So that was a good idea.

Two fans here.

I love it.

You were actually one of the first people I ever saw at Zaney's.

All right.

And it was amazing.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah.

He really is a good comedian.

There you go.

And urgent care is a good job for a doctor.

I've always said that.

I'll take your picture anytime.

I've always said it.

So, did this urgent care doctor sign up for this show?

He did.

He's here.

The doctor's in, everybody.

The doctor's in the city.

And you guys are only visiting this Monday?

Only this, this is, he's got to get back to the clinic.

So we've got to get back to the...

In Nashville.

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, I could have actually seen your boyfriend before.

You probably might have had.

No, I can poison Ivy a lot.

I think it's a, yeah.

What's his name?

dr.

T dr.

Tim T signed up as dr.

Tim Tr.

Tim T is here

go get Dr.

Tim Tignificant other on this show we're gonna we're gonna see who fucking really writes the prescriptions in this relationship

yes I love it yeah he's he's great amazing

he's been great and did he start stand up before you or were you doing he did he did he started back in Arkansas that's That's where he's from.

And then he got really into it.

Kind of when we started dating almost a year ago, he was really into it.

And like, I

just kept going to open mics.

And yeah, the Nashville scene is really...

really something out there.

A lot of clean mics, but also there's some dirtier stuff at Zane's thing.

So we're really doing it there.

Yeah, yeah, we are.

That's incredible.

While we wait for Dr.

Timmy T, I'm going to ask you, do you always perform like, do you always dress like you're about to do an open mic on Mars?

You know, look at it.

I wore this for the comedy mothership.

I want to dress like an alien or like a Martian or something fun.

Okay.

I love a theme.

I love a theme, so that's that, you know?

All right.

I love fashion for my girlies.

You know, the girlies are.

Funny, this is like a bad episode of the Kardashians right now.

It's incredible.

Would you say you're high maintenance?

I just would like to think I have high standards.

So that's a big glaring yes, all of capital letters with five exclamation points points afterwards.

What do you think is the most high maintenance thing about you?

How long does it take you to get ready if we were like, oh we gotta go.

Oh shit, we were supposed to go to dinner with my parents.

Let's go.

How long would it take you?

To be honest, I am always like chronically late, but I like to think, especially in the summertime, I like to do more of like...

a natural makeup look.

So I try not to, this is the most makeup I think I've worn all week, but I usually try and do like a tinted sunscreen.

Four hours perfect.

Yeah, right.

All right, great.

What time did you start getting ready for this show?

I gave myself a good half hour.

Oh.

At least, you know, a good half hour.

So

it's the doctor.

Yeah, right, yeah.

The doctor is in.

I've gotten a word.

And you could just...

You can just hide out behind the horn players in front of the drums over there.

Put that mic in the mic stand as I introduce to you the guy, ladies and gentlemen, that not only does comedy with Elena, not only dates Elena, but

has sex with her as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut of Dr.

Timmy T, everyone.

How?

Y'all know why the Native Americans say how?

It's because the settlers killed them before they could get out.

Are you doing?

I went to this Indian restaurant the other day and when I walked in, there were swastikas all over the walls.

Now I'm from the south, that's not completely unnormal, but I went up to the guy at the front and I was like, hey man, what's up with all the swastikas?

He was like, listen, listen, it's Sanskrit for good luck.

He's like, yeah, but it's Hebrew for bad luck.

I went on to ask him, I was like, hey, what's better, the lamb bindaloo or the buttered chicken?

He was like, ah, they're both good in their own right.

Yeah, I didn't get either one.

I ended up getting the swastika masala.

I'm kidding.

What I really got was diarrhea.

No, so I grew up really religious, and being really religious, they're like, hey, you need to try to be like Jesus, which is a really high standard.

You know, he was perfect, walked on water, performed miracles.

I was like, how can I live up to those expectations?

And then I read Revelations 22, 12, and it said, Jesus said, behold, I cometh quickly.

He's like, finally, I can be a little more Christ-like.

Wow.

Dr.

Timmy T.

Wow.

Look at that.

What an incredible thing.

What a stud you are, huh?

Thank you.

You just a good-looking doctor.

You're funny.

You got it all going except for that.

Fake-ass girlfriend over your shoulder.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I didn't realize Pedro Pascal had a Down syndrome little brother.

I love it.

You're adorable, Dr.

Timmy T.

Welcome to the show.

Thank you, thank you.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Like

two years, like a year, seriously.

Awesome.

Yeah.

And how much time did you spend in medical school?

Four years in medical school, six years in undergrad.

Okay.

Look at that.

Dusty, what do you think about this guy?

Well, I'd like to know how you treat chlamydia.

Doxycycline, Mr.

Dusty.

Okay.

Yeah.

Doxycycline.

Where would you put it?

In the mouth.

Yeah.

So you'd think the guy earlier was getting some bad medicine.

I am unaware of what you were talking about.

Yeah, but probably.

Okay.

Amazing.

Dr.

Timmy T.

So you're a general practitioner, right?

Yes, sir.

Cover it all.

What's the craziest thing you've ever had walk into your urgent care or whatever?

Oh, I had a man whose penis was rotting off.

Oh, wow.

How did that happen?

He ended up having surgery.

He got one of the erectile dysfunction and he got one of those like penis pumps put in.

Oh, but he lied to your doctor, never lied to your doctor.

He lied to his doctor and said he wasn't smoking.

Wait, you can't smoke cigarettes and use a penis enlarger?

Well, fuck.

Oh no,

I'm going to need to see you behind the curtain in 30 minutes.

That is weird though, because all my whole life I would say, do you smoke?

I'm like, yeah, not really.

Because you don't want to say that for the insurance or whatever.

They should tell you.

No, no, if you do, just say yes.

Can you explain why?

Oh, I can already, I can probably already tell.

It probably restricts the blood vessels.

That's right.

That's right.

That's right, Tony.

You're a smart guy.

You are a smart guy.

I really am.

You know,

I think I could be a doctor, too.

You know, probably.

Yeah.

If I can be, you probably can.

Doctor Cycline.

That's what I would just give everybody for everything.

We'll call you Dr.

Cycline.

There we go.

There we go.

You're a real fucking guy.

What do you do for fun, Dr.

Timmy T?

Oh, man.

I like to play sports.

I play basketball, pick up basketball.

Wow.

I have bonsai trees.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You really just do it all, huh?

Yeah.

Me and my girlfriend have been building Legos lately.

Aww.

Amazing.

Yeah.

Wow.

Good, clean fucking.

Are you ate?

He has to partake in activities that she can do as well.

Wow, I love it.

What's the longest set you've ever done?

10 minutes.

10 minutes.

Would you like to do like an eight minute set at the Secret Show Thursday?

Absolutely.

I would.

There you go.

The doctor is in.

Dr.

Timmy T.

Doctor, here you go.

Here's a big joke, Buck.

Boom.

And here's a little one for the lady right there.

She got out of punchline and a half.

Shut the fuck up.

What an adorable couple, though.

Congratulations.

There they go.

Dr.

Timmy T and Elena P.

How fun.

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I wonder if this is who I think it is.

I wonder if this is our old cowboy friend.

We're going to see.

Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everyone.

Oh, it is one of the legends of the show.

The return of Carlos Lopez.

Howdy.

So I was asleep in my bed the other night getting the fucking most wonderful slumber I've ever had.

And I woke up to my phone just a fucking yelling at.

I thought I cheated on Siri.

This thing was fucking screaming.

My phone went off, and

it was an Amber alert for a 15-year-old Hispanic girl.

And I thought that was fucked up.

Because what about her two kids?

Are they okay?

Did they get taken to?

Here are my thoughts and prayers.

So this border situation has never been great, but lately I've been seeing it bring out the worst of people.

I'll leave it on that.

Go ahead and finish it.

The other day I saw one man tell another man to go back to Mexico.

I don't think he meant it.

No, because if he meant it, he learned how to say that shit in Spanish.

Carlos Lopez.

We actually watched him have his very start here on the show.

And then, you know, it's just like the nature of the beast, like what I was talking with Doug Polk about earlier.

And then your second time, kind of rough, right?

And then look at you, you're back with that same type of snappy, hard-hitting punchlines that you had that first time.

You've been working at at it, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Incredible.

You take this seriously.

Yes, sir.

You're a serious man.

Yeah.

You're a serious cowboy.

Yes, sir.

And you're driving 18 wheelers.

No, I retired.

Oh, shit.

You hung up the old truck nuts, huh?

Yeah.

What do you do now?

I'm in real estate.

Wheel estate?

You're selling wheels?

Hill country manufactured homes.

Real estate.

Wait.

Wheel estate?

Real estate with wheels on the bottom.

Okay.

Look at this.

Best of bulk world.

Hell yeah.

That sounds like a one-stop shop for you, Martin Phillips.

Interesting.

My goodness.

So tell us more about the wheel estate that you're selling.

Sell us right now.

I'm sure there's some people here.

There's a lot of Texas oil money in the room right now that's not who I'm talking like trailers oh

okay

you're from Alabama you speak whatever language this is

you're talking trailers

manufactured home that's famous word for trailer

that's what people say when they don't want you to know they live in a trailer

this is incredible so it's a different type of market well maybe there's some rich people here that want to buy a trailer maybe there's some poor people here that want to buy a trailer great Great.

There's a lot of comedians watching.

I can tell you that.

And these people are all homeless and need a car at the same time.

You could probably be a one-stop shop, and I'm going to give you the single spotlight treatment.

Sell us on

wheel estate.

How much you fucking pay on rent?

You want to pay that much with own the motherfucker?

It's that easy.

They sell themselves.

Sold.

I'll take three right now.

You can afford it, I promise.

No, no, no, I don't really.

And then you go, how bad is your credit?

The fucking homeless people are the ones that can't afford the homes.

That's why they're homeless.

Figure it out.

Right, right.

So.

Do you offer tornado insurance?

Hell no.

No, that's your bread and butter.

Your count number.

Terrible business idea.

Yeah.

You need the tornadoes.

The tornadoes bring it back around.

It's the wheel deal.

I'm going to have to use that.

I'm sorry.

It's yours, buddy.

You can have it.

It's all yours.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

So that's going good for you?

Selling a lot of trailers?

Man, I'm four weeks in right now.

Just getting started.

I want to get off the road.

I found out the hard way.

That my girlfriend has a nut allergy.

How did you find out?

We have a son now.

He's three months old.

Swole up for nine fucking months.

I see.

I see.

You nutted inside of her.

I get it now.

I get it.

I get it.

I was having a wheelie hard time understanding the joke for a second, but now I get it.

Wow, congratulations.

What did you name?

I bet you gave him a real cowboy, a real regal name, am I right?

Well, Tony, I'm glad you asked.

I named it after my fucking heroes.

Yeah.

Tony Walker Texas Ranger Lopez

Wow

Tony Walker Texas Ranger Lopez

that's mostly true Tony Walker Lopez Tony Walker's got a good ring to it yeah not really that funny I guess but it's like a good ring yeah Tony Walker is Jackson Walker Oh, Jackson Walker.

See, that's what I was looking for.

That's a real country name.

Jackson Walker Lopez.

I don't want to leave with this.

Sounds like he would deport himself.

You know what?

I just figured out what my last name is.

I'm going to go ahead and hit the dusty trail.

I'm going to get inside of my home and drive there.

Wow.

I love it.

You get him a little cowboy hat already?

He's not ready.

He has to earn it.

Oh, shit.

What does he have to do to earn it?

We had a couple up here that's trying to figure out Legos right now.

What does a kid have to do to earn his first cowboy hat?

I guess hold his fucking head up first, you know.

That's true.

That's true.

Is that how you talk to him?

I mean, you can right now.

You don't know what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Vibes.

Just vibes.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

I love it.

I love it.

Mom's handling it all well.

Oh, she's doing great.

Yeah.

And breastfeeding?

Oh, yeah.

She had big tips when I met her, but holy shit, shit, no.

Look at this.

Red Band's hard as a rock right now.

I see it hanging out of his shorts.

He has a special penis pump he's been using lately.

Wow.

Incredible.

Do you ever taste any of the breast milk?

You ever give a quick little suck?

It's not

something I do on purpose, you know.

Right.

But if it happens accidentally.

Sometimes I got to warm up breast milk when she's gone, and you got to make sure that it's not too hot sometimes.

Oh, you don't just go in too quick after the baby.

I want to steal the produce.

Yeah.

Only got so much.

Hell yeah.

Some of that old cowboy cream.

You know what I'm saying?

Fuck yeah.

I love it.

What surprised you or what's surprising to you about having a young three-month-old?

Is there anything that surprised you?

This is your first kid.

Yeah, my first kid.

Man, honestly,

the urge to go home now is there.

It never has been before.

Yeah.

I've been fucking just rambling all over the place.

That's what it seems like with all of our friends.

Once they have a kid, they're back home, and

they're not hanging out, being degenerates like we all are.

It seems to be the common thing.

It's amazing how your wife doesn't make you want to be at home, but a kid does.

Well, once you got a taste of that fucking

BM, you know what I'm saying?

That sweet little fucking.

Is your wife

Mexican?

Very.

Hell yeah.

Chasing Latinos is more than just a hobby.

Wow.

So it's like hiracha.

Yeah.

Come on.

Okay.

Some of that titty tamarind, am I right?

Underlay.

Oh, yeah.

Very good, Martin.

You really are the captain now.

Carlos Lopez, fun times.

You did it again.

I'm out of big joke books, but you already got one.

You're the man, Carlos.

This crowd loves you.

Everybody loves you.

Killing it.

Daddy's home.

Carlos Lopez.

And we have his stunt double, ladies and gentlemen.

Another proud Mexican father that we've known for years and years.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hank Garza.

I believe that a lot of us in here are not racist, but our algorithms are.

Anybody else see that one post about that one group of people?

And you're just like,

like.

Y'all know the ones I'm talking about.

I've really had it up to here with these bullshit weed names, and they're like, Hank, it's exotic.

It's like, dude, it sounds like diabetes mixed with blue or purple.

It's not exotic.

If we want to start naming weed that is exotic, let's start naming it after shit that is exotic, like thick white women without black dudes in their DMs.

Cush.

The hardest part about me dating is actually, it's not even the wife and kids that I have at home.

It's actually the sleep apnea machine.

You know how fucked up it is when you have to take down the hose to go see the hose?

Crazy.

I want to end this on an impression.

This is my impression of a fortune teller from the late 90s, early 2000s, bamba clot.

Y'all remember that?

Here we go.

This is Alex Jones here, letting you know.

Everything I said back in the day came out to be true.

They are fucking kids on an island, and they are turning the frogs gay.

My name's Hank Gars.

That's been my minute.

Thank y'all so much.

Hank Garza.

All right.

I like the racist algorithms and the sleep.

Do you have a sleep apnea machine?

I have a BiPEP, yes, sir.

Wow.

Breathe in and out for me.

Oh, my God.

You don't even have to do anything.

No.

You don't have to think about any of it.

You just lay there like Darth Vader.

Wow.

Is that good?

You get a good night's sleep with that thing?

It's all right.

I have a one-year-old right now, so I'm waking up all the time to change him and feed him.

Right.

Is your one-year-old terrified by that machine?

Nah, not at all, man.

I look like Bainer.

They hook me up like a Tesla.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

But when I cheat, I feel like my solution to that problem, Tony, is I have to find other women that are also on sleep apt machines.

Right.

And we just hit that shit like a hookah.

Incredible.

When you say Navajo's to see the hose, what's a Navajo mean?

No, no, I have to take down the hose to go see the hose.

Because the C-Pap machine has a hose.

Oh, it's a hose.

Got it.

All right.

Got it.

To go see the hose.

Yeah.

I got it now.

You take it with you.

I have to.

And if they see you with a sleep apnea machine, they know you're playing on stage.

I mean business.

I mean fucking business, dude.

You got a bag of condoms and a sleep apnea machine.

That's right, baby.

See, Pat Foppy.

Wow, look at that.

Look at that.

You have all these catchphrases for not being able to breathe on your own.

Incredible.

How'd you go to the doctor or find out that you needed that machine?

Like, what made you go to the...

Yeah, Red Band's a week away from it.

Yeah, dude.

I feel like I should have one.

My wife was like, hey, it sounds like you're dying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm good.

And

you're like, I'm exhausted from cheating on you.

Hell yeah.

I love you, babe.

Martin, do you have to sleep with anything wacky?

You have any wacky things?

Uh-oh, no, I can sleep normal.

I'm not like this freak.

Dang.

Damn.

Martin Phillips.

Holy shit.

What else is going on in your life, Hank?

You've been doing stand-up for a few years.

Yeah,

I just completed three years.

Just getting up as much as I can, bro.

As much as I can in San Antonio, raising kids.

That's it right now.

I'm stay-at-home dad.

It sucks.

I mean, it's cool, but it's not cool at the same time.

It fucking sucks.

Yeah.

Men should be out there doing shit, not raising kids, but whatever.

Wow.

But wife makes a pretty decent living, so I'm like, all right, you know what?

I'll change a diaper.

Fucking wife.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

I hope your kids aren't watching.

Yeah.

Way better set you had tonight than the last

screamed last night.

Yeah, I was, I know, so it was very scary.

Oh, last time I ate a huge dick on here on this show, and man, that shit was such a rude awakening for me on where I was comedy-wise.

And take this shit seriously.

It's a ruder awakening than when your C-PAP machine runs out of water.

Is that how those work?

You put water in there.

Yeah, oh, you know it.

Yeah, you put water in.

It's like a humidifier.

I like high humidity, dude.

Then you put it like 72 degrees.

Oh,

daddy.

I want to try it.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Well.

Okay.

Hank, great stuff.

Thank you so much.

Here you go.

Here's a big joke book.

Hank Garza.

He's our buddy.

That's our buddy, Hank.

It's a big joke, but

that's how show business works.

Well, I mean, what can I say?

This has been a hell of an episode, and I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and he is behind that curtain for he holds the record for all time appearances interviews

in the history of the show no one has done it more nobody has done it better a living member of the kill tony hall of fame

some people call him the shaw of shopify

Sponsored by Mass Hole Lobster Truck.

It's known as the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine.

Live in the flesh, this is William Montgomery.

I like to buy my dogs from the pound because I like my dogs to be hardened criminals who think they're out on parole.

After a long search for the best match, doctors have successfully transplanted a pig lung into a brain-dead human being.

And I just want to say congratulations on your new lung, Amy Schumer.

Last week, Cracker Barrel Board of Directors made the mistake of letting a dumb bitch talk them into changing their logo.

The bad news is Cracker Barrel's stock value dropped $100 million.

The good news we'll be seeing Shane Gillis in Cracker Barrel commercials very soon.

what were kurt cobain's last words courtney don't

okay that's my time thank you wow exactly 59 seconds Two or three of the biggest jokes of the night.

I feel like I have to let Shane know immediately after this episode the joke you just did.

That is so funny.

That is incredible because it's probably true.

Oh, it's very true.

I fucking hate it.

And if y'all look up, seriously, it's crazy, if y'all look up the CEO of Cracker Barrel, she looks just like fucking the girl from, oh, what is her name?

Everyone that hates our show.

You are correct.

The saddest thing about that joke is I'm in a Cracker Barrel commercial right now.

Really?

Damn.

Is that true?

It is true.

I don't know if it's still airing, but I did do a 15-second commercial.

Dusty, that is wonderful.

I swear to God, that is a dream of mine.

I happen to love Cracker Barrel.

That really is so cool.

That's so cool.

What are you saying in it?

What do you even do?

When I was in it, the stock was doing great, though.

It was still doing really well.

We had the old logo,

old design.

Yeah, you seem, now that you mentioned, I could see why they would pick you as one of their clear representatives.

Absolutely incredible.

Wow.

William, you did it yet again.

I mean, incredible.

What was the thing?

Would you say a piggleum?

A what?

A piggleum?

Piglum?

What did you say?

What was the

piglung?

Pig lung.

Pig lung.

Yeah, they literally, they found they did it in a brain-dead fucking person, and they put a pig lung in the brain-dead person, and the lung lasted for, I think, eight days.

Wow.

Wow.

Look at that.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

What a great experiment.

I'm pretty sure the doctor that did that was up here just a few bucket pulls ago.

And it had a CPAP machine that breathed in and out for it.

Yeah.

I mean, incredible performance.

Really, really amazing.

Well, you're really sweet.

Well, Tony, I think it's,

I had that the Courtney love joke or whatever I have been listening to since last week because I was up in Spokane, Washington this weekend.

It's the first time I've repeated a comedy club.

It's been like a year and a half, and I created this whole new set.

It's

70 new jokes, 30 old jokes.

And it took me forever.

I was taking, Tony, don't be mad at me, but I was taking a little bit of Adderall and I was smoking weed.

And I spent two full weeks on it.

And I've been listening to the song by a Hulk called Softer, Softest, probably 700 fucking times.

For anybody who's hearing my voice right now, it's one of the best songs ever.

I've been listening to it.

It's on repeat, Tony, on my spotify

it's not a good song

you don't like anything

he told me about this and i was like oh this must be a great song i i used to have that album it's just like a throwaway song but you're addicted to the girl that played it that died of an overdose you have this whole conspiracy about it that court killed her also or something right yes i think courtney was involved in the bass player's death um so tell us more about that tell us about this conspiracy it's just so horrible when i was up in New York City, Tony, I just looked, something happened, and I saw the picture of the bass player for Hole during this point in time of their career, the second album.

And I was like, oh my God, this girl's beautiful.

And I started reading more about her.

I was very intrigued.

And she died at 27.

And they're thinking the guitar player is the one who injected her with all the heroin.

And then they're saying that Courtney Love told the guitar player to do that.

So it's this whole can of worms, Tony.

Wow.

That's this whole can of worms.

Are there more people that you think?

Oh, he does not like Red Band.

He's like a fucking laugh out of my nightmares when he's in the middle of the map.

He does not like Red Band's Lap.

They have a long-standing rivalry.

They do not seem to get along.

Yeah, he's talking shit about that song.

I think people will like Softer Softest when they listen to it later tonight.

I think people will like the song.

It's a wonderful song.

You think that Courtney Love is responsible for the death of the bass player of Hole, the death of Kirk Cobain.

Is there anybody else who you think Courtney Love may have killed?

The Soundgarden guy.

Yep.

Okay.

Tony lookalike.

Chris Parnell.

Chris Parnell.

No, I'm kidding.

Yeah, Parnell was the guy on SNL.

Yeah, Chris Cornell.

Who else do you think?

Thanks, Jacob.

Jacob on the...

No, I'm kidding.

That was awkward when I couldn't remember y'all's names.

Is there anybody else, perhaps, Courtney Love murdered during her lifetime?

You've been going down this.

Well, it's weirdly enough, they're saying she was the one up in the jail and killed Jeffrey Epstein because she knows people who are good.

Yeah, Jeffrey Epstein,

Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed.

Whoa!

Yeah.

She's the one that killed his ass.

Whoa.

How many days have you been awake in a row?

I slept till 1.30 today.

The night before I only slept an hour, but I was able to sleep till 1.30 today, which is, I really slept in today.

I needed the rest.

Wow.

That's

exhausting of the lights for the amount of sleep that you got.

What time did you go to bed?

12 p.m.

There you go.

An hour and a half ago.

No, 12 a.m.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's better.

Is there anyone else you think Courtney?

It's like army time.

How do you even figure out army time?

Wow.

Incredible observation, William.

Is there anybody else you think on this conspiracy theory of yours, do you think the Courtney Love may have killed during her last...

Maybe Dave Thomas?

Whoa, the Wendy's guy?

Yeah.

From Columbus, Ohio.

Red Band, that's right, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You told me that one, Red Band, remember?

Wow.

You let me know about that one, remember?

You called me.

All excited when you found out about it?

Yeah.

There's another person.

Wow.

That's incredible.

Dave Thomas.

Can you believe that?

Uh-uh.

Red Band can believe it.

Red Band gets very sad when he's reminded about the death of Dave Thomas.

Yeah,

that might be my real dad.

That might be my real dad.

Yeah, well, your mom had sex with enough dudes.

I don't know if we actually could figure out if it was fucking.

I don't know if we'll ever find out if it's

his executive secretary,

and then my parents got divorced, and I never found out why.

It might be my real dad.

Wow.

I just hear executive secretary.

It makes sense.

I can see how Dave Thomas could be your father.

I mean, you are a 52-year-old bacon at her.

So it's

the beef.

Is there anybody else you think Courtney Love may have murdered during her lifetime?

Lisa Frank!

Whoa, whoa.

And I'm kidding about that one.

Passionate about that.

I'm not kidding about that one.

That's my trip.

Who's Lisa Frank?

The lady who made the stickers and stuff, like the

girl site.

Oh, okay.

Who else?

Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for their untimely death?

What about maybe

who?

Myself.

Maybe 9-11!

Whoa, Courtney Puff!

That's responsible for 9-11?

No.

That's crazy.

She didn't do that.

How do you know that?

Huh?

How do you know she had nothing to do with it?

I'm just pretty sure she did it.

I did the research.

Wow.

Maybe just Building 7.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is a smaller building.

People forget about that building.

People do forget about that building.

Tower 7.

Everyone remembers 9-11, but no one remembers Tower 7.

Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for?

Well, this one's horrible.

He's actually on my shirt.

King Cobra JFS, Josh, rest in peace.

He just died up in, I think, Wyoming.

I think she had something to do with him.

But King Cobra JFS, rest in peace.

He had a bad drinking problem.

I could stop watching it.

If you had a chance to talk to Courtney Love and she was here face-to-face, I'm sure she's watching this right now.

What would you say to her?

What would you say to Courtney Love?

Courtney, who's our main camera.

I get it.

Courtney, I get it.

You don't normally take requests, but if you could play Softer, Softest off of your second album, I could sing the words with you.

Wow.

I'd be able to sing every single word with you.

Wow.

That is incredible.

So you would take an opportunity to hang out with her and sing with her, even though she kills people.

Yeah, my gosh.

Softer, softest.

I'm not kidding.

I've listened to it 800 times since last week.

I'm not even kidding.

It's on repeat on my phone.

That's all I'm listening to.

Wow.

And it almost feels weird because now I like it.

Uh-oh.

Seriously, now I like it.

That's what I'm flying.

That's it started with Kurt Cobain.

One second you're liking her music, the next thing you know.

And you wrote 70 jokes listening to that song?

70.

No, I was analyzing all of my Kill Tony minutes.

I think I've done close to 320 of these things, and I was

analyzing my stuff.

Wow.

Doing a little bit of a laugh.

And then praying to God people will laugh when I put it together in a certain way.

I was going to say, that sounds like new comic advice.

Listen to that song.

Yes, my new comic.

Seriously, if you're a comic who's thinking about getting into comedy, whatever, you're funny around your buddies at work, whatever, I think you should go for it and listen to softer softest when you're analyzing your jokes.

Seriously.

Do you think you're ever going to stop listening to Softer Softer?

I don't think.

William Montgomery has done it again.

This episode brought to you by Shopify.

Guys, how luck can this whisker?

His first time on panel.

Dusty Slay, everybody.

What he is on Netflix.

Make sure you watch it on Netflix.

He's on tour, DustySlay.com and his podcast is We're Having a Good Time.

Martin Phillips, first time on panel, everybody.

The captain is in martinphillipscomedy.com.

He's on tour all over.

The drawing from Ryan G.

Ebelt is in, and it is indeed amazing.

He's drawn...

oh, just the last 700 episodes or so, whichever the guests are.

Let's see what Chris Rogers, the live Austin artist, drew during this.

Oh, Mark Norman.

Look at that.

Shout outs to our old friend Mark Norman who was on panel during the New York City Madison Square Garden episode, which if you haven't and you should and you must, go watch that on Netflix.

And

yeah, Red Band.

Check out my fake band Catbread7 on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Music.

Love you guys.

That is a fake band indeed.

Listen to it there.

That is...

It is something else.

A new passion project, if you will.

And shout out to Shopify.

Thank you for sponsoring this episode and thank you to you the live audience that makes it all possible we love you guys thank you good night everybody

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to Sunsetstrippatx.com for tickets.

For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

We may need to change that jingle.

Prices and participation may vary.