#731 - MATT MCCUSKER + SHANE GILLIS

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Bank coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcraft.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Hell yeah, make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

Keep it going for the best damn band in the land. This is Kill Tony brought to you by Express VPN.

Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, sweating bullets, Big Mike

on the drums, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and that is D-Madness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen.

An absolute scorcher. We're sitting here at 81.1 degrees Fahrenheit, 71% humidity.
The AC guy is here. Make some noise for the AC guy.

Texas, late in July.

Welcome. Welcome.
Holy shit. ACs be breaking.
This is a real live show. Anything can happen.
Happens everywhere. Doesn't matter how much money Spotify gives you.

ACs be breaking in Texas. A good old stress test here today.
You see people fanning themselves. There's a Latino woman with an actual portable fan.
I don't know how she snuck that in here.

They lock up phones, but I guess you're allowed to shove a portable fan up your puss.

Anything can happen here. As you could tell, this is an action-packed episode.
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Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Well, well, well.

You know, every single week I book the show and I can tell you with no ego, we're really doing it, Red Band.

This is one of those very special nights. You guys hit the fucking comedy lottery.

You did it.

You did it. This is one of those big ones.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the greatest guests in the show's history. This is indeed Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker.

It is hot in here.

Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker.

It's crazy how much hotter it is out here. It's...

Mike.

Hey, guys. Two, three, four.

It is unbelievably hot.

Like, fucking blows. It is incredible.
I don't want to bring it up because I know that, you know, you're thinking about it. The crazy thing is that the AC works well in some places right now.

The other room, which is an open mic filled with absolute bottom-of-the-barrel peasants, they are chilling. 69 degrees in there.
The green room, 71 degrees, right behind that curtain. Very, very nice.

It was nice right behind there. And Matt, right before we went on, was like, it's not that bad.
I was like, wait till we fucking walk out. Wow.

This is where God has decided the heat will lay tonight. Matt, how you feeling down there? Pretty good.
I'm thinking we can like alternate breathing between guys and girls every 30 seconds.

We're going to have to come up with some kind of plan. The AC guy is here.
I'm going to ask management, if anyone's listening,

wave to me before he leaves. I want an update.
Maybe we can get the AC guy to agree to a quick appearance,

live appearance. Maybe he can explain himself.
Whatever we do, do not let that guy fucking leave without giving me some kind of signal.

I know he was just planning on another quick stop on a sixth street fucking dungeon-esque bar, but he might end up in front of 5.5 million people real quick. Who gives a fuck?

Right, should we harass the AC guy?

Anything can happen here.

You guys have been guests numerous times on the show. 305 human souls signed up for tonight's show.
Matt and Shane know what the fuck is up. The bucket gets crazy.
They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Then you know their time is up and they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it it up then, or else they bring out the angerist Hollywood Bear,

which interrupts them. I conduct an interview.
It's going to be a lot of fun watching them truly physically sweat tonight. They are in for the shock of their lives.

None of them know that the AC is broken here. So they're in a nice air-conditioned bar next door right now.

They're going to be in the nice air-conditioned backstage, and they're going to walk out and they're going to think it's them.

So let's have some fun.

Before we get to that first bucket pool, I have a golden ticket winner here ready to debut a new minute of stand-up comedy. We're gonna watch them all together.

One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian of the night. This is Martin Phillips, everybody.

Dang, it is fucking hot.

Holy shit. Oh my god.

Okay, um,

growing up, I didn't have any Jewish friends,

not on purpose, but

I was never dining to apartments, but

I think it's too late. You know, I think people would take notice that I pacifically hung out with 13-year-old Jewish boys.

I was like, no, I just want to party with

a banger.

But anyway,

circumcision started

because God told Abraham to do it. He also told him to kill his son.
And he took it back as a pass. So maybe he waited too long to say something.
You know, he came back.

He was like, oh, by the way, you know.

Oh, crap.

You did it.

It

looks great.

You told everyone to do it.

Okay.

Martin Phillips with a brand new minute. Acknowledging the heat up top, how does the heat affect your condition? Wow, I just sweat like a motherfucker.

Anything else when it gets real hot? Can you like straighten out your legs or anything?

I think I just get heating child shit and I go. Okay, So you're human other than

I'm a heavy sweater, so I'm definitely going to

trip

up here.

Okay. Heavy sweater.
You're dressed for the occasion. You're one of the only people wearing shorts tonight on the crow.

Yeah. You texted me like 15 minutes ago, so I don't know.

Okay, perfect. Nobody needed to know that, but I guess that's fine.

Yeah, I needed a last-second opener there, Martin, and gave you the opportunity of a lifetime, but I guess you've exposed my lack lack of preparation in front of the world.

I didn't have time to do it. Yeah, if he's going to toss pants on, you got to give him like four hours.

You got to call him on fucking Friday.

Brother, we're going to need pants by Monday.

Me too, by the way.

Oh, shit. Martin, you ever have a bad experience putting on your pants? No, I could put them on.
Okay. You know.
Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, I'll tell you.
Yeah, I know.

You asshole. Yeah, yeah.

It was a button-up shirt. They made me button.

I can just get the button up, you know?

It's easy. That looks smooth as hell.
That was nice.

Yeah. Yeah, it's better than me.
I gotta lay down.

Thank you, fat fuck.

He deserves that. My joke was better, but yeah.

Martin, what else has been going on in your life?

My glasses are fucking up.

I bought a new car

myself. Yeah.
Wow. Not not because I crashed the old one, okay?

I just needed a new car, okay? So what kind of car did you get? I I got a Prius. So it's a show.
I am gay.

I guess

I want to get the same car as you have. And then I could pull up and be like, hey, Twin C's.

Hell yeah.

And then I'd have to get a Prius just to be different.

And it would make sense.

You're gay. Right, very good.
Yes, Martin. That would be.

Yep, that would be implied.

Only two I'm gays so far in two and a half minutes. This is another episode of Kill Tony.
I blend in with the others.

That's the drinking game every time.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay.
Do you drink, Martin?

Sometimes.

Ari Maddie tells us some crazy tales. That's not even true, Daniel.

Ari's been saying shit. I'm like, I go to bed.
Ari is the one out.

Don't six a. Yeah.

By the one time I did get drunk with with Arter E.

Yeah, I was drunk, yes.

And it doesn't make me look any more able.

It makes it worse, I think, actually.

I think

like my hotel was like a block away. I had an Uber.
Like it was,

I was not going to make it there. So

yeah,

but awesome. Well, Martin, you got the show started tonight.
Thank you so much. A golden ticket winner, reigning defending Martin Phillips.

Is the AC guy there, Zach? No, he's on his way down. But we do have an update incoming.
Well, hold him back there while I bring up the first bucket pull of the night.

You guys know how this part works. This is where shit gets a little crazy.
Because we're going to meet somebody. Could be the next star of the show.

Could be a fucking insane person make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night it's Daniel Shepard everybody Daniel Shepard

so my birthday is coming up in a few days I think I look great for 36 the problem with that is I'm turning 26

so that fucking sucks

I've been watching this show about guinea pigs. It's pretty funny, interesting.
It's called The Sopranos on HBO.

Perhaps y'all have heard of it.

Another great show is Friends, but I think an even better show is Seinfeld. Because if Seinfeld is the show about nothing,

that means Friends is the show about Jennifer Anderson's nipples.

I forgot to equate how they were similar. I'm a little nervous.

I just had some sushi recently.

I just had some sushi recently

over in the hood at this new place called Nigiri Please.

I ordered the unagi wood.

Yeah, they didn't have a drive-thru, but they had a drive-by.

And last joke, what do you call a black lawyer? A brother-in-law.

All right, thank you guys. Okay.

Thank God you didn't do the punchline I thought was coming there.

Holy shit.

i liked watching the autism bleed through and you're like i forgot to equate that last thing to the autism

yeah straight to sushi yeah

sushi next

so the three shows that you've been watching recently sopranos seinfeld and friends yeah uh did you just get what a vcr player or something how are you just starting these three decade old shows.

I've been talking about these jokes since eighth grade.

Friend is a lot like Seinfeld. I just, you know, that was kind of the point of the joke, and I almost didn't include that, and I autistically added it, you know.

Do you remember what the correlation between the three was? Friends is like Seinfeld without any Jews.

Okay.

My father wrote that joke, helped me write that joke before he died. Wow, when did he die? 25 years ago?

He died 10 months ago. Okay.
Wow, how did he die? He had a lung condition, so he had uh

connective tissue disease which paralyzed his stomach and that drained into his lungs and destroyed his lungs

and then he died in my arms

he died in my arms at home one day what what was what was on the tv um

it was the roku tv in the background just the roku screen yeah

the roku like damn roku city you know just died gazing into the sunset no

Saw one last sunset. It was Roku.

How long ago was this?

Like 10 months ago. Oh, shit.
All right. Like, it was a...

My sister's birthday was the day before. What?

October 1st. October 1st.

Red Dan.

Did your sister bust into the room like Kramer?

She must not have blown out all the candles or something. Yeah.
No, she was in a big fight with my dad, so she wasn't home at the time.

Oh, so maybe she did blow out the candles and made a nasty little wish. Oh, yeah.

I don't even think she saw him the day before. Yeah.

Well, I'm really, that's really fucking horrendous, man. Sorry to hear that, for real.
Yeah. What were they arguing about, your sister and your father, at the time of his death?

The people at home want to know. My dad, my sister was...
My sister would try to attend to my dad a lot, and there was some pushback with like a sick guy being told what to do.

What was she trying to get him to do? Oh, just like she's just kind of up his ass kind of person, I guess. My sister's a little bitchy.

Oh, yeah.

For sure. I don't remember.
I just tried not to really pay attention. I just saw a lot of arguing.
God damn, dude. She's like, really, really, really, yeah, you're really fucking bringing it.

Yeah, but she feels so bad.

You like Star Wars? What's going on there?

Let me guess. That was the last thing you and your fucking dad dad watched.

Now, Star Wars rules, that's. The best Sith, yeah.
Yeah, Kyle Ren could have been the best. Yeah, they really could have been solo.
I like Ben. Yeah, for sure.

Hell yeah, man. Yeah.
What do you do for work? I'm between jobs right now.

Yeah, I lost some life insurance from my father's death.

How much exactly did you get?

$70,000. $70,000? I can't believe it.
I promised I would never talk about that. I don't know why I just nonchalantly said that was an escape.
No, you're fine in the silver line. You got 70 genes.

And yeah, it's over halfway gone. Question, did your sister get the same amount?

No.

Wow.

Sister got cut out of the life insurance.

Mostly. Wow.

Poor thing. Wow.
I feel bad for her. I mean, you just called her a bitch in front of 5 million people a minute ago, but now she's a poor thing that you feel bad about.
Yeah. Okay.

It's like that. All right.
Very fun.

And how much more of the 70,000 do you have left? It's been 10 months. You don't have a job.
What are we at now? 25,000. 25,000.
It's going fast.

It's going fast. Uh-huh.

So what's your plan? What type of job are you looking to get?

I was into welding for a minute, but that's kind of laborious and hard to...

It's hard to juggle comedy. I burned myself really bad here.

And then I am looking into some kind of audio video thing

I'm really good with that

filmmaking background and stuff all right short first well there you go Daniel well welcome congratulations you got up on the show thank you guys thank you so much Daniel Shepard everybody there he goes appreciate it oh here's a here's a little joke book Daniel there you go nice catch

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting word that the man that we all want to talk to is here.

I present to you for the first time in the show's history. This is the AC guy.

Wow.

Wow.

Look at the crowd going absolutely wild.

This is incredible. A monumental moment in the history of Kill Tony.
12 years and three months, yet we've never spoken to an AC guy live on the show before. Sir, what is your name? My name is Dean.

Dean hell yeah

well hold on hold on hold on crowd is doing their let's see if he actually did you fix I feel it I did yeah yeah yeah

Dean tell us about it what was the issue so the issue was you guys tripped the smoke alarm with your smoke smoke machines oh

it was the haze the new upgrade to the cameras a little bit of haze a little bit

how do we avoid that in the future dean uh truthfully if you're using smoke machines probably not okay can't do it all right let's reset the cameras recalibrate the cameras to zero haze

i'm your biggest fan

thank you thank you no i'm you chill you choose this is awesome so dean how long have you been working in ac

uh about eight years eight years wow you're you're very good at what you do. I noticed that it wasn't long that you were here.
You came here about five to ten minutes before the show started.

You were able to figure it out. Eight years in the game.
What's your love life like, Dean?

I'm married.

No, I'm married. Nice.

Hell yeah.

She must be a very lucky cold woman.

It is pretty cold in my house. Yeah, hell yeah.

Well, Dean, have you ever thought about trying stand-up comedy? Do you like comedy? I'm about to have a fucking heart attack. I love it.
I love it.

Well, we were all about to have heat stroke before you came around, so now we're even, Stevens. Dean, thank you so much.

Make some noise for Dean.

Dean, Dean, Dean.

Wow, what a special episode. 82.8 degrees for those of you wondering.
We're hoping that goes down at some point. Dean, why don't you stick around until this thing starts to lower? Yeah.

You might want to delete that first guy.

He'll be fine.

Shout out to Airco Air Conditioning coming in and doing their job. I think that's a great plug for them.
Airco, here in Austin, Texas.

The trusted

air conditioning associates of Kill Tony and the comedy mothership.

Wow.

We'll see. There's a plug.
It better work.

God, I hope Dean doesn't get fired. No, he won't.

A free ad for Airco.

HVAC.

You can get Airco yourself just by going to airco.com, I'm guessing. I'm hoping here.

Yeah.

It's plumbing, heating, and AC.

That's the website.

Well.

any

there we go airco. Yeah, go to aircochanical.com get yourself some AC

All right, just save Dean's job, everybody. It's about a it's about a $30,000 ad read right there.
It's open 24 hours. Call them 512-537-1234.
Based out of Round Rock, Texas, 40 years in the business.

Airco air conditioning, electrical, and plumbing. Five stars.
All right.

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Your next bucket pull is a one-word name, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul. Paul.

Islamic terrorism.

I don't get it.

72 virgins? I don't even get out of bed for less than 100 virgins.

Wow.

I thought this would be easier.

I was so nervous backstage. This is my first time.
I was so nervous backstage.

Even after I rubbed a couple out.

That's right.

I'm an assassin.

I usually don't bring this up, but my family and I hunt vampires. No, you're not Venhelsines.

You're not knee-deep in vampires right now because of one family.

I apologize.

Hey, Tits, you want a small joke book? Hey, T-Bone. All right, Paul, everybody.
Very good, Paul.

So clearly a fan of the show.

You chose to sign up. This is truly your first time.

What made you want to do it like this? What made you pick tonight?

Actually,

I got injured last year,

and I... Fuck.

And I had to have surgery and is off work, and I wrote a screenplay. And I wrote a screenplay for William Montgomery.
So

I was trying to... I thought if the set was good enough.
Well, if this was a taste, we need more.

Can I get the elevator pitch?

Yes. Let's hear the movie.

The elevator. Not the synopsis.
The elevator pitch? The elevator, please. Okay.

Shaqel O'Neill and Charles Barkley. Okay.

Fully.

The way you said Shaq Keel had me. I mean, really,

my saying Shaq, I aborted you.

They are

used to be partners.

They were

private investigators. But they had a falling out 15 years ago.
They hate each other. And they find out their kids kept in touch and they're going to get married.

They have a fight, they lose the ring, and then they got to chase these bikers all across the country to find the ring. They don't want to have the wedding, but they don't want to let their kids down.

Have you considered having them play aliens and basketball?

So this is like Wild Hogs with NBA.

Right, yes. Wild Hogs.
Meets NBA. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But those are tough gets.

They're phenomenal together. They're

missing out. So what was the job that you had before all of this? I'm a construction worker.

And you got injured on a construction site? No, I was helping someone move.

A total separate injury. Is it a back injury? No, I snapped my distal bicep tendon, so I had to get surgery.

What the fuck were you carrying?

I was in the wrong position. It was a TV.

I was just in the wrong position.

A flat screen? Yeah, they're like TV. It was a plasma.
And if you know anything about a huge fucking plasma. I got to brush up on Newtonian physics.
I didn't know how much the plasma weighed. My bad.

Oh my god, it's insane. So, let's just take one second here to talk about the minute of comedy that you prepared.
Islamic terrorists, haha, 72 virgins.

I don't get out of bed for less than 100 virgins. What the fuck are you talking about?

What do you mean by that? Yeah, what don't you get about it?

It's a fucking classic.

It's a classic, dude.

Just out of curiosity, last question. What is William's character in this movie that features Charles Barkley and Shaq Keel O'Neill?

He is a homeless wanderer, but we find out he's a fugitive. But Shaq and Chuck get...

You call him Chuck now. Wow, you're so close with them.
No, no, he's fine with that.

They get mugged, and they have to enlist William to help them finish their mission. There you go.
Very good. Here's a little joke book.

There you go. There goes Paul, everybody.
Good luck, Paul. Paul, what's your last name?

What is it?

All right.

There goes Paul, everybody.

Wanna have that one? Whoa!

The lovely Heidi has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

A delicious Bud Light.

All right, your next bucket bull goes by the name of Michael Scott, everyone. Michael Scott.

Ooh, we're down to 81.9 degrees.

Hey.

I know what I look like. I know what I sound like.
I hear it too, guys.

I got the vibe of... I just got cast as Donatello in Tyler Perry's new Ninja Turtles movie.

Yeah, he's the tech guy. I get it.
I'm a weird kid. I was a weird kid I had a lot of animals I had uh I started off with two rabbits I ended up with 14

that being said I've seen rabbits fuck a lot guys

it's pretty crazy it's like one rabbit minding his own business that was my white one then my black one would come hopping along mount it furiously fuck it for about 10 seconds and then everyone takes off running my question guys why does rabbit sex only last 10 seconds?

Is it evolution? Or is rabbit pussy just as good as I think it is?

Hell yes, Michael Scott.

Wow. Is this true? You have that many rabbits? No.

Well,

technically, I had guinea pigs, but rabbits fuck like crazy, so it's funnier. You know what I mean? Wow.
Guinea pigs appears to be the magical word combination of the day. Really?

It's been used by two out of three bucket pulls in an unprecedented anomaly.

So, Michael, how long you've been on stand-up? Eight years. Eight years? Where at? Fresno, California, Bakersfield, California.

Wow. Is that where you still live? No, I'm out here.
Yeah, I've been here since December 30th of last year. Nice.
Awesome. What do you do for work?

I work valet at Hotel Ella, and I just got a new job two months ago at Benefast. I deliver construction equipment to sites.
Awesome. Yeah.
Absolutely. It's cool.
Incredible, Michael Scott.

What do you do for fun?

I used to train MMA. I play poker, watch movies, video games.
I got cats.

How many cats do you have? Three. Three cats.
What are their names? Whiskey, waffles. Those are my two girls.
And I got Tanuki. He's the boy.
Yes, bro. How's cat pussy?

Everything I dreamed of.

It's incredible. How many guinea pigs did you have at the

14? You had 14. I started with two, and they just kept fucking.
It got to the point where I was selling them back to the pet store. Wow.
Yeah. Just a bunch of inbred, angry guinea pigs.
Yeah.

Incredible. How old were you when you had these guinea pigs? Uh, 12 fish.
So you were living with your parents? Hell yeah. What were they saying about all the guinea pigs? Uh, they

kidney motherfucking guinea pig!

You've been a kidney motherfucking guinea pig. All right.

Now, what did they say?

Oh, the police are on their way.

I saw an opportunity. Everybody relax.
Guys, relax. Jeez, motherfucking guinea pig.

Man, your fucking bedroom be stinking, Michael. It did.
All right. It did.
It did stink. It did.
See, this is what they said, right? Yeah, mom.

Did they kind of sound like that, or did they speak perfect, perfect American English like you?

Oh, my mom? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah,

she sounds like me, just not like

a guy.

Perfect. Yeah.
Northern California black.

How many of those guinea pigs were in your room at once?

So you did have, so you had 14 in your room. Yeah.
And you were jacking off in there in front of 14 guinea pigs.

How many times do you jack off in front of 14 guinea pigs? A lot. I have so many.
Perform better in front of a crowd. What can I say?

You could hear him.

You had to be able to hear him while you were jacking off.

You're like, whiskey, be quiet.

Michael Scott's trying to jack off around here.

My mom accidentally killed four of them once, though.

How did she do that? She's not going to like that.

She's going to be much matter at my impression of her than

I think you're right.

I was at school one day, and

I had them in three separate cages, and she took one of the cages because she said it was a hot day. So she wanted to give them some air.
So she took the cage and put it outside in the hotel.

She killed them on purpose. You had two pages.

I think I had three too many.

One survived, though you had a lot of guinea pigs yeah if you were my son i would have yeah yeah

i would have put those bag those guinea pigs in a bag and

you gotta smack them

stop watching my son jack off

you perverts

that's why i got him

behold

behold my son

my children did you bury the dead yeah

where'd you bury them Backyard. Nice.
Yeah.

What type of,

you know, did you put up like a monument to them? A shoebox.

They weren't

shoes. They were like pumas, too.

Yeah.

Yeah. You didn't put anything above ground to commemorate? No.
Not a round. You didn't even give a fuck about them, hoes.

I was a kid. I didn't know tombstones were, you know.
Right. Right.
Definitely. The one that survived, did it have any special powers?

He was the first one. He He started the whole thing.
His name was Hammy. Hammy.
Yeah. Hampton J guinea pig was his name.
Wow.

Wow.

What did the J stand for?

Jenkins. Jew.
Oh, Jew. Okay.

I love it, Michael. He was Jewish, I don't think.

Were the other hamsters Jewish in this mass genocide?

I ran a guinea pig concentration camp. They They could not survive the mama cost.

Oh, man.

Wow. Mama cost.

Did she ever explain herself why she really

said it was hot on the inside?

You know what? Honestly, if there were 14 guinea pigs in this room when I got here tonight, I would have sat four outside in a cage, too.

Thank goodness for Dean from Airco Air Conditioning Company. Whoa, well, hold on, let's see.
It's still hotter than Helen here. We need to bring Dean back and kill him.

Put him outside. Put him in the cage.

Michael, I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show, man. Thank you.
Here's the big joke book, Michael. Michael Scott.

Fantastic.

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We are moving along smoothly here. Bucket pull number four.
This is definitely a new name, and I'm excited about it. Make some noise for Yoshika Gonzalez.
Yoshika Gonzalez.

Oh shit. Okay.

One more time for Yoshika, everybody.

Hi.

A little bit about

me or whatever.

I'm having a sale on my OnlyFans.

Yeah, so for 30 cents a day, you can help a short bitch pay her rent.

No, I am a sex worker, and I figured it's actually better than dating, because I usually date white men, and that's a fucking pyramid scheme.

So

they just, they just do weird shit, like

lie, first of all,

drink Mountain Dew,

and prioritize themselves. I don't.

I'm just too Latina for that, you know?

No, you don't.

Yeah, I'm too Latina for that because I'm like sucking dick, you know, washing the dishes.

And in return, they make me keto fucking pancakes.

Yoshica Gonzalez.

Hell yes. So many questions.
Let's begin. One of Mike Scott's guinea pigs survived.

Made it all the way down here.

excuse me no it's not about you no I gotta I

I was I have a serious question when you do your sex work you get picked up in front of the Home Depot

just kidding

no but when you do your sex work you go to the Home Depot don't you whoa

sounded like a bird

zero that's what you get dude you come at the fucking you come at the queen you best not miss.

Yoshi. Not a third.
Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell yeah.
You are definitely a specific type. Do you, uh,

do you, do they, is this a condition? Is there a label for this? You look like a killie challenge? No, you look like a tall midget. Oh.

You look like a... I'm, yeah, I don't know.
I'm a shorty.

They used to be short back in the day in the 60s. You know, I don't know what's going on now.

Okay.

Okay.

Yoshika, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

For a year now, it's my last resort into screenwriting.

Oh, you gotta team up with Paul. Yeah, this is wild.
The new Farley Brothers. Yeah.

This is a special episode. We have two...

Two screenwriting references and two guinea pig references. And somehow they're all mashing together right here with Yoshika Gonzalez.
Yoshika is an interesting name. What does that mean?

How do you end up with a Japanese name? It's, I was named after a Japanese film camera, Yashuka. I don't know.
You don't know.

I don't know. My dad used to say different shit, like

a hooker one time.

Hey, gold as shot.

Cashier, a book, and then

he told the truth, I guess. 38 cents, you said?

30.

30 cents. 30 cents a day.

Is that real? 30 cents.

Is that legal? Unicep full.

Mathematically, yeah, I think so.

Okay. What do you do on this only, fans, exactly? Um, I

haunt people's laptops. I don't know.
I

twerk.

I do.

I do like anime costumes and fucking

degrade guys.

Dig rate. Pick rate.

You've crossed the line. That's too much.
Don't do it.

Don't you dare. There's a lot.
There's a lot. There's a lot.
How long have you been on OnlyFans?

Since the pandemic, when the strip clubs closed temporarily. So you were a a stripper up to the pandemic.
What was your stripper name?

Easy question. Impossible to forget.
There's been a bunch, you know.

Jenna was a good one. A lot of people in Austin,

back in the day.

Jenna. Okay.

Anything crazy ever happened at the strip club? Any wild stories?

No.

Okay.

Same old, same old. You close with your parents? Not right now, not at the moment.
Why do you think you're not close with your parents?

I didn't think this was a therapy session.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Hey, you're the one with your backstory, lady.
I'm just following up here.

Do you think your dad subscribes to your OnlyFans?

I mean, 30 cents a day.

Why wouldn't you

check in on your little Dardar, you know what I mean?

Kidoki.

It's a real live show, everybody. I don't think so.
No.

He said he never loved me, never will, never did. Perfect.

I think we're good, though. Was this a long time ago or like kind of recent? Was this a pandemic? It was like two years ago.
Two years during the pandemic.

Everyone lost their mind during the pandemic. It's not a big deal.

Well, that's almost like

that. Yeah, I'm sorry, but that's all right.
It's okay, guys.

We're here now. Yeah.

Somewhere. For what it's worth, I think you're worth more than 30 cents a day.
Okay. Yeah.
Definitely. How much are you making a month on OnlyFans?

Oh, God.

$4.12?

Yeah. You're killing it and you're making money.
I'm making my $20.

$1,000.

Oh, that's awesome. Okay.
How do you get everything else? How do you pay your bills if you're only making your rent spot-on from the monthly OnlyFans?

What else are you doing to make money on the side?

Okay, Red Band, that is out of control. That is rude.

That is out of line, Red Band. I really don't do oral, but.

Sick. Wow.

Yeah.

Subscribers went off the charts with that one.

That explains why the white guys you've been with just lie and drink Mountain Dew all the time. If you want some honest answers, you gotta fuck it.
No, I sell vintage. I sell vintage for me.
Oh, cool.

How much the markets outside in the heat. I do actual work.
I do AV work too, but, you know, they hire the guys.

And the quality. Ass and vagina.

Is that one of the vintage shirts you're wearing? No, this one. I was going to say it's a cool shirt.
Thank you. Yeah.

Is it vintage underwear, like your used ones or something that you sell? Red Band. Red Band.
That's it. Red Band.
Red Bit.

Red to the program. For 30 cents a day.
Let's get it.

Let's get back to the side. That's a penny you can get around here.

30 cents?

I mean,

it's $7 a month divided by 30. I don't know.
Oh, okay. All right.
I see. A day.

Yes. That's how they get you.
That's how they get you. That is how they get you.
Because I was already, I subscribed under the table.

So 30 cents. This is come on.
Add some quarterbacks. D, I'd be losing money not doing it.

I don't get out of bed for 100 cents.

What are we talking here?

But you're doing great. You're going to be making a lot more money after this, I'm sure.
There are a lot of people watching online right now.

Any other last pitches for your OnlyFans that you would like to give to the people out there? There's many, many men.

Where are you trying to

help her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just barely making her rent.

Yeah, I mean, I have a wish list, but I just have like a printer on there. No one will buy it.
I'll get you a fucking printer. Shane's going to buy her a printer.
I promise.

Yoshika, here's the little joke book.

Okay. Ready for it? Boom.
You got it. Wow.

She caught it.

You're going that way. Hey, pleasure to meet you.
There she goes.

Yoshika, everybody.

Where's Heidi? Yum, yum, yum.

Time for another golden ticket winner, everybody. This young lady won hers maybe a little less than a year ago.
She's fantastic. Works here.

Works on Kiltoni. Makes some noise.
A brand new minute from Aya, everybody. It's Aya, everyone.

Um, some people don't trust Muslims. I get it.
Whatever. Um me personally, I don't trust Jehovah's Witnesses.

Um I feel like some Jehovah Witnesses are just registered sex offenders who got really,

really,

really nervous at the last second.

Like they were supposed to go out in the neighborhood and tell everyone what they did, which is it's tough, you know, I molested a child. That's so, you know, they go knock, knock, who's there?

Have you heard of the child

that was touched

by

God?

Jesus Christ. Just like, why is your parole officer here? It's like, don't worry about that.

I don't know. I feel like we treat registered sex offenders so interesting in this country, like we make them live so far from elementary schools.
But

distance only makes the heart grow fonder

boom

aya

fantastic great pedophile joke okay thanks what's up um hey guys

how you doing how's it been going aya it's good it's kind of warm in here yeah

i put on a jacket

so when I take it off, I feel cooler.

Oh,

look at that. A little reverse psychology on pure heat.
Yeah.

Okay.

How are you guys? It's good. I gotta be honest,

this is good.

Everything going good? Yeah, everything's good. Yesterday, I talked to my...
Huh? No, no, no. So, yeah, every single person that's come up here is

my dad died. My dad hates me.

Things are bad. Yeah.

No, you guys didn't even hear what happened with my dad oh what happened

is he good die and give you that fucking jacket

where is he

no

yesterday

i taught him that you have to boil pasta in water

what was he doing before he didn't know about that how is he cooking pasta

he doesn't cook he just learned i just taught him yesterday

okay so he's alive that's fine yeah he's alive sounds like he's thriving sounds like he's still learning yeah yeah

learn something new every day

so that's good where's he at where do you where are you from I'm from Dallas

but my family's from Africa what yeah I'm Moroccan nice yeah

nice hell yeah

what was your dad doing with those noodles

eating Eating the noodles. You just wanted raw hard noodles? Well, no, I boiled them for him, and yesterday he came and he was like, oh, so that's how you do it.

He said he's always seen people make pasta, but he never paid attention.

He's just been sitting on the floor Indian cell.

Yeah. Yeah.

Incredible. That's good.
All right. Amazing, Aya.
What else is going on? Anything else crazy?

I recently, I had a weird dream the other day. I had a dream that there was this girl and she was really young.
She was like 17, 16, and she was like in a trap house.

And I didn't know what to tell her to get out of the trap house. So I just told her, girls like you end up fat in their 20s, and she left.
I got her at the trap house.

Wow.

Hey, good up for her in her dream.

Yep. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about?

It's just my life. Yep.
No doubt about it. It's just the truth.

Well, great new minute, Aya. Favorite pedophile joke of the day, without a doubt, so far.
One more time for Aya, everybody.

Back to the bucket we go.

Three ladies in a row. Make some noise to your next comedian.
It's Jenny Rodriguez, everyone. Jenny Rodriguez.

I just watched this documentary on Netflix recently. It was about a woman who went to jail after she had sex with a man who the court said deemed mentally incapacitated.

This was a man who was intellectually disabled. And that just goes to show that there's hope for all of you guys here tonight.

Able-bodied women are having sex with retards.

I know I am.

I love him. He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my PIC.
You guys heard that? Partner in crime, PIC. But I'm Mexican, so that would make me his SPIC.

SPIC, it's Texas. Do you want me to spell that out for you guys?

We actually just saw the Fantastic Four movie. I gave a hand job during it.

I guess you could call it a Fantastic Five.

Boot, boot, boo. That's been my time.
I've been Jenny Rodriguez. Jenny Rodriguez, welcome to the show, Jenny.
Have you been on before? I have a couple times.

What do we find out the other times you were on about you?

I hate to throw this out here, but I work in a tire shop.

Whoa.

Hell yeah.

Amazing.

I'm engaged.

That's pretty much it from the last two times. Yeah.
What does your man do? What's his name?

He works at Jared Jewelers. He's a jeweler.
Oh, wow. Oh, we did pro wrestling.
That was another thing that we did.

Right now we just finished clown school, actually. Okay.
So that's another. That's pretty good choice.
Yeah.

You learned stuff at clown school? Did I learn this stuff at clown school? No, did you learn a lot of stuff? Oh, I really did, actually. I learned how to do like balloon animals.

Do you have any balloons on you?

I wish I I did uh I literally thought about bringing my skirt but is there anything you could do in the clown world right now if John played some clown music and we gave you a spotlight one two three four

oh shit

uh oh

nothing okay

I need props

I do a lot of like gimmick shit I do like some magic tricks but I'm not like really good you know it's all very sleight of hand stuff. What if somebody has a condom?

Can you do something with a condom?

Red band, thank you so much. You're

great. No, yeah, great.
Thank you, Redband.

Nobody here has a fucking condom dude in the 80s.

Jenny Rodriguez. So how's stand-up been going for you? Stand-up's been going pretty well.
The last few months I've been focusing on clown school, ironically.

But I've been, you know, hitting my ice going to shows, just trying to do what I can around here.

It is a little more difficult, I think, finding a good click around here compared to where I was last before I moved here.

I came from South Bend area.

Go go Irish.

Are you a fan of the Notre Dame fighting Irish?

Definitely not, bro. Yeah.

Notre Dame or like Notre Lame. Yeah.
Insane Clown Bossi sucks dicks.

Football rules.

I love sports. There you go.
Well, Jenny, congratulations. You got picked for another minute.
You've been on the show multiple times. There she goes.
Jenny Rodriguez, everybody.

We're going to keep flying through it.

Here we go. On to the next one.

It's cooling down. We're at 80.4 degrees.
We are around the corner from the 70s, everybody. This next Bucket Bulls from the inside makes a noise for Chuli Joy.
Chuli Joy from the inside. Is that real?

Oh, wow. The furthest possible fucking seat in the entire venue.
Literally can't can't make it up, everyone.

How perfect. It's great.

Awesome.

You would think we would coordinate this better that someone signs up and they don't sit in the seat that's 97 seconds away from the front.

Tire season two out now on Netflix, everybody.

The Madison Square Garden coming up this week.

The 15th, we do stand-up. The 16th, we do Kiltoni.

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Have a great day. Where the fuck is this fucking inside bucket pool?

Thanks for chuli joy, everyone.

So I have pretty bad luck on dating apps. Like I literally don't get any matches.
And I got this buddy who's just bragging about all the matches he has. So one day I was like, let's see him.

He's on Grindr.

And he's got tons of matches. That's kind of like a weird flex.

But then it dawned on me. If I was gay, a lot of my problems would disappear.
Like I wouldn't be as lonely.

I would have better fashion sense and I'd be in great shape because you have to be strong to fuck a dude.

Right?

It's like fucking a bear.

And then even jacking off in the mirror would be better. Like come on guys.

Dial in, all right?

You're jacking off in the mirror and there's a hot dude jacking off to you in the mirror. Right?

You start going faster. He starts going faster,

right?

And then you jack off and you bust a nut, and then this dude who's been jacking off to you for 25 minutes busts a nut to you busting a nut. Pretty fucking awesome if you're gay, right?

Thank you.

Julie Joy, welcome back.

I like that you say jacking off would be in the mirror would be better if you're better. As if you do jack off in the mirror.

Have you ever? Fuck no. Look at me.

I don't want to see this shit

you jack off in the mirror no I don't but after 25 minutes 25 minutes is crazy

that is crazy you're gonna milk it dude like

I'm not trying to bust a nut and not be worth it dude jack it off in the mirror for 25 minutes bro don't knock it until you try it well I will

25 minutes is what stands out about that material. Do you really extend your jack-off experience for that long?

Yeah, when I do jack-off I definitely milk it but I try not to when you say milk it are you implying

guys

all right whatever I'm fucking weird okay

so you you you last 25 minutes with yourself

when I do it yeah I try when you're about to come what do you picture

What do you mean, dude? Well, like

you're saying that you're edging, right? So like, how do you stop yourself? You're doing something that turns you on.

And then you like get ready and then you just ride that wave until you are ready to bust a nut. And then you plan on killing Bart Simpson.
Yeah.

And you spend the rest of the night watching out for rakes on the ground.

Or party rock, whatever. Either one.
Either one.

What do you tend to watch when you're jerking off, truly, Joy?

Honestly, I have a pretty vast spank bank. So like I just

went to the categories. Yeah, what are some of the weirder things that you're into? I'm into.
I like like dom sub stuff. You know, DS.

You know about that?

I've heard of it. Who's the dom?

Are you a dom or a sub? I'm a dom. Whoa.

Dude, I'm already shoving out to you right now. This is crazy.
Yeah, we're all sitting down in your dominoes, dude. You can't dom us like this while we're sitting down.
Bro, sorry.

Tony, give him a big notebook right now.

Get rid of those dom daddies. Yeah.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done dom-wise in real life? Dom-wise.

Picturing you in like a pig mask with your hair hanging out and everybody being like, well, we know who that is. I was living in LA and I was like going to these parties and it was pretty crazy.

They were like, we're going to film this.

And I was like, I don't want to be filmed, right? And they were like, put on a mask. No one's going to know who you are.

And I'm I'm like, yeah, no one's going to know the tall ass dude with fucking Afro and blue eyes.

But I just had them film behind me, but I just had like this girl and they were like, had all these toys.

I like using my own parts and my hands and stuff. But

yeah, they had like all these crazy toys. So we did that stuff.
And I was just like,

I would find myself like an open-minded person, you know? You work with your hands. Yeah, I'm working with.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, it's toy bullshit.
You're a hands man.

How are you dominant, though? Like, where was the domino? You got your cheeks? It's like sounding kind of shub. I'm not telling you.

You tell them what to do. You're, you're in charge, you know? Like,

there's some dudes that, like, want the girls to take control and shit. You know, like, I want to be in control.
For sure. I'm in control.
Oh, shit.

Don't look at my phone. You look like a woman.
Don't watch my toy like that, dude, ever again. How dare you dom my friends?

You watch out, Shane. I'll dump you.

Don't dom me.

I'm coming over there. I can't believe you're not doing good on dating apps.
Yo.

You're a handsome fella, you know. You domed us.
Yeah, man. God damn.

What do you do for work? I work in AV, freelance. Wow.
Honestly, yeah, I know I heard everyone saying that.

I've done some catering jobs since I moved here. Okay.
Yeah. They make you wear a hair net?

They make me pull my hair back in a ponytail. Yeah.
Damn. Yeah, it looks different.
It's fucked up. It disappears.
I'm intense eye contact. Yeah.
How about for fun? What do you you do for fun?

I like going to White Horse. I've been practicing two-step, like learning.
I like Barton Springs. I go there almost every day.
Nice. You find anybody dom out there? Yeah.
A little bit. A little bit.

Yeah. Dude, the girls out there are freaky.
Yeah.

Whoa.

And what's your love life like?

I don't have a girlfriend here, but I have like a lover on the East Coast. You have a lover on the East Coast? She's my sub.

Jesus. What'd you do? Text.

Bro, like, you get some, bro. Get the fuck out of here.
Yo. Oh, sorry.
Yo, what are you doing? What the fuck, dude? You're so fucking horny and angry. What's his name? I'm like, bro, come on now.

He said, what's his name? Hilarious.

I mean, what's his name? What's his name? He's a classic.

I have a love around these. What's your self doing right now?

She's probably sleeping, honestly. You should wake her up.
Wake up. Yeah.
Call her? A real Dom would wake her up. Yeah.
Damn, bro.

I'm going to call her after this No, we're not going to we're gonna keep it moving along Chuli Joy. There he goes.
Thank you guys. There goes Chuli Joy everybody

Hell yeah

There he goes everyone. All right fist bumps for the dom Chuli Joy.
I thought he was pretty funny up there

All right, this looks like a fun name and a new name. Let's see what happens here.
Make some noise for mighty Mike everyone mighty Mike. Okay.

All right

Man, that last comic looked like Khaledo from WWE, didn't he?

What it's like to be cool.

Nah, man.

Man, I'm about to quit comedy, man. This shit don't make no money in this motherfucker, man.
I'm broke.

Man, I'm so broke, man. I can't even be racist with my laundry.
That's how broke I am.

I feel like that's the last white racist activity.

White and blacks, set apart, buddy.

I put the whites first. I'm black.
I put the blacks first, nigga. That's what the fuck.

Yeah, man. I'm out here mixing leftovers and shit.
I made Jamaican food the other day. Rice and pasta.

Call it roster, nigga.

Bumble clock.

Nah, man.

Oh, man. Tricks.

Yeah, okay. That's the male right there.
All right. That's a cat, man.
That's pussy.

Okay. All right.
Mighty Mike.

Slightly having a

mental breakdown towards the end of his set there.

Mighty Mike, welcome back. You've been on this show before.
Yeah, Mike Ayo baby. I'm like Jimmy.
Talk into the microphone there. We have mics here in America.

Woo! With the shots. So, what were you saying? Go ahead, say it.
No, I said I'm Mike Ayo baby. Yeah, I put mighty Mike.
That's my stage name, Mighty Mike.

I put that on there today. And

I was on here last time, right? No, I don't, I don't know. Shane, man, man, respect, bro.
I respect you, bro. Never mind.
I thought I was. No, you wasn't.
You wasn't. Oh, all right.
Well, fuck.

Maybe I'm racist.

Yeah.

Maybe I am actually racist.

I got up here. I was like, oh, I remember him.
Shane, give us a job. I was like, he's very good.
We know.

Mike, relax, relax. So tell us what's been going on, Mike.
You said you're broke. What do you do for work? Oh, I just got a new job at FedEx.
The last time I was at Amazon. Okay.

You're just still delivering packages. Still delivering packages, yes.
The packages don't talk.

The packages don't talk.

What do you mean by that exception? I used to be in an office. I used to work in an office and

offices, people talk a lot. Uh-huh.
But when you... Now you're driving the truck and you're dropping off the packages.
Dropping them off, taking photos.

How long have you been doing that for?

As far as dropping packages off, again, I started with Amazon. I was like.
Got the Amazon thing. We're talking about FedEx.
How long? FedEx is like two weeks. So two weeks ago.

A week, a week, a week. A week.
So how do you do that? Do you have any specific style? Has anything crazy happened yet? No, no. I'm still training right now.
A nigga's still training. Okay.

Yeah, this got me training. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. What have you learned so far?

Man, you got to put the packages where the white people want them because they'll

type up that review, man. Next thing you know.
All right, you got to keep them right where the black people can still get them. Man, you never know what I help my niggas out.

I was in the hood today. I was in the hood today.
You know, I help my niggas out. I, you know.

Hey, come quick, Brian. Get your shit.

Oh, Okie Doki.

Mighty Mike. How about for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Man, when I'm done doing stand-up,

man, think about how black people could be better. That's what I think about.

What have you come up with exactly? We've been wondering the same thing. So you go right ahead.

You know, I was chilling in my balcony the other day, man, blowing the trees.

And I was like, man, the head-not thing that black people do man we need to get rid of that no it's nice I mean fuck we got to say speak words man hi hi hello well if you do it like that that's gonna be a problem

I was walking by and a black guy was like hi

yeah like that no you know you gotta smile you know

what's up

exactly no the head thing's nice I am head thing traumatized man I am head thing traumatized oh yeah you're from and are You're from Nigeria. I was born and raised in Nigeria, yes.

Now, you came here and you're telling the black Americans they're not doing it, right?

What? Tell them to pull their pants up. I get it.

You know, I mean, yeah, what else is on this list?

What else is on your list of how they can do better?

Number two on the list. Number two? two,

man,

pay bills. Wow.
Niggas could pay bills, bro. For real.

For real.

Like, when I had a lot of money, I used to pay my bills. I was like, white man, just paying my bills on time.
Okay, nice. I'm a little, I don't got it like that no more right now, so I'm dodging too.

I'm being black. Right.

Juking the bill collectors.

Sunrise debt. Who is that? They call me at six in the morning every time.
Sunrise.

Fuck them. I gotta tell you, this isn't a racial problem.
This is, yeah. This is a me problem, huh? No, no.
Well, yeah, whoever the individual is, yeah. Okay.

But we've all been there. Yeah, I've dodged it.

What do you owe money for? What are some of your debts? I know right now I owe

charter, charter communications right now, man. I owe him about $300.

Who the fuck is that? Yeah, what's that? Charter Communications. Spectrum, Spectrum, my bad.
Spectrum. Spectrum.
Okay. Wait, you have cable? Or is that internet? No, internet, man.
Damn. Come on.

Don't you know, Matt? Internet, man. Hey, boy.

Whoa, that's expensive.

Okay.

Do you have kids? No, no kids yet, man. How old are you?

I just turned 35. So how do you think you've avoided having kids? 35.
Man, my pullout game real good, man. I'm going to lie, bro.
Explain to us.

What's your method? Bro, I feel the p. Like, when you're about to bust a nut, you get a pee feeling.
That's the sign that God give you first. Like, hey,

hey, man, it ain't piss is the other one. just take it out and you bust and i listened to that voice and i nut right on her and that's how i'm able to dodge that

wow

man

i don't know how miss that pea feeling man child support not me do you see like a big figure of your father in the sky and james

like my pull up

racist

i'm just playing i'm playing i'm playing no my dad's still around man he's still he around is he in nigeria no no no he's here. Where is he exactly? He's in Minnesota.
Okay.

And what's he doing up in Minnesota? What does a Nigerian do in Minnesota exactly? Fights man.

He fights America.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
He take walks. For real, he fights.
Yeah, he fights. Somali's at the Mall of America.
Yeah, for real. They be fucking with my dad, man.
They don't know my dad an OG, man.

He speaks Italian, too, so he could talk to the mob. No way.

Yes. Wow.
And it's true that Nigerians and Somalians don't get along.

I mean, I fuck with them, but, you know, when they start picking that halo halala suksuk,

I'm out of there.

Whoa, bro.

Whoa, suksuk, what that means?

What's your least favorite thing about the Somalians? The what?

Nothing.

Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator, Mighty Mike. You have a refrigerator, right? You have your own fridge.
Yeah, I got a fridge.

What's the craziest thing we would find if we opened up your refrigerator right now? Some spinach and broccoli, nigga, because a nigga eat healthy. No fried chicken.
Wow.

Incredible.

Does that bring you to any other points?

Do you get any special powers when you eat the spinach or broccoli? You know, man,

I do do in the morning.

Okay. The dookie come right on time in the morning.
Okey-dokey. All right, Red Dan.

All right. Fun stuff.
There goes the mighty Mike. You already have a big joke, Bob? I already got one.
There he goes. On to the next one.
Yes, sir. Appreciate you.
Thank Thank you, Kiltony.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has happened. 79.9 degrees, everybody.
We've hit it. We are officially in the 70s.
In this, the hottest episode of Kill Tony ever. Shane's got a pee.

Shane's going pee.

Which means I'm just gonna bring up your next comedian and make some noise for Shea Phillips, everybody. Shea Phillips.

Oh, shit.

So I know what y'all thinking right now

What the fuck is this fake ass Kimbo Slice doing up here trying to make me laugh and shit Supposed to be in the cage beating the shit out of people. What the fuck?

Recently I've been trying to get back into dating and I've been kind of struggling. I realize I struggle because I take words a little too literally Like I don't like when women call me daddy

cuz something deep inside me something something deep in my DNA just makes me

want to leave them. I don't know.

It's like every time she says, ooh, daddy, I'm like, you know what? We are out of milk. I'll be right back.

She's like, you're lactose intolerant. I'm like, shit, man, would you look at that? I'll get some new ports.
I'll be right back.

You don't smoke. I'm like, listen, bitch, you're going to be here on draft day, all right?

You're going to the NFL, you know.

A lot of people give me stupid ass questions sometimes. They ask me like, Shayla Wynn, what's your favorite workout? Like, shoulder press, chest press, bench press?

I'm like, bitch, I'm depressed. The fuck? Why do you

think I work out so much?

Fuck yeah, Shay Phillips. Welcome to the show, Shay.
This is your first time on? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome.
How long have you been doing stand-up? About three, four years now. Three or four years.

Where at? Houston, Texas. Okay, that was what I was going to guess.
Yeah.

Hell yeah. What do you do for work in Houston? I'm a machinist.
Whoa. Okay, what kind of machinery are we talking about? My biceps.

Wow. Incredible.

But seriously, what kind of machines do you work with? CNC? I don't know. I just press buttons and shit, dog.
Okay. Awesome.
Sounds professional. As fuck.

Hell yeah. And

you don't have kids? No. Not that I know of.
You have a girlfriend? Nah. You're just single?

Running machines. What do you do for fun? I like to lift weights.

I like to choke people. I do jiu-jitsu and shit.
You do jiu-jitsu. Yeah, man.
Wow. Okay.
Like you eat a lot of food. Yeah.

What do you like to eat? Barbecue.

Barbecue what?

Shit, fan.

Very good. You just won the game, everybody.
You got out of me, motherfucker. Hell yeah.
Shay,

how often do you come to Austin, Texas to sign up for the show? First time. First time.
Yes, sir. Look at you.
You got lucky. Incredible.
Is that one of the dogs? I'm sorry. That is.

You remember LeMaire? Yeah.

Le Maire you look fucking good bro

you're in a Le Mer this is a La Scare hey I'm just saying the last thing you want

some HGH some TRT

hell yeah okay Shay

craziest thing that's happened to you at the gym anything ever stand out to you any white women ever accuse you of staring at them or something like that no but I did have an old white lady try to kidnap me one time oh tell us all about it well I'm at the gym and shit and she goes oh well I just need help getting out to my car getting blah blah blah, blah.

And I'm like, lady, I don't work here.

But instead, she starts dragging me outside and shit. And she's like, I can't carry this by myself.
Get inside the car, motherfucker. I'm like, hold up, bitch.

You think she was trying to have

sex with you? I think she only picked up a bunch of heavy shit for it. I'm like, nah, dog, you know.

Yeah. Give her a Juneteenth, bitch.
Yeah. Emancipation Proclamation.
I'm free.

Absolutely. What did she want you to pick up for herself? Yeah, she was a fat bitch.
What do you expect? Oh, was she she fat? Yeah. Ah, yeah.
Shucks. That's right.
She tried to get me.

That could have been great.

How old?

Old enough? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old enough that you would be like, hey, old enough for a 401k? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why'd you hesitate? I'm stupid. I want to teach doing comedy.

You'd probably do the right thing, actually. I don't know.
I could have had a better life, man. Yeah.

Interesting. Shay, what's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting about you? You ever save anyone's life, accomplish anything, any big,

let's see the craziest thing I ever did in my life dude when I was in the military there was a kid that was trying to walk home but it turns out that this island like it floods like crazy and shit so as the kids walking like his face is like

seeing his face out the water and stuff so uh I basically had to carry the motherfucker home you know at least he didn't drown where was this at the Marshall Islands wow yeah and what exactly what branch of the military were you in I was in the Navy.

And what did you do exactly in the Navy? I was in the construction forces. I was a mechanic.
Okay. Yeah, dude.
Wow. Look at you helping someone else not drown.

Absolutely amazing. I had to pass a swim test, dog.
Yep. Look at that.
Okay, Shea.

Three or four years in Houston. Your first time on.
Very fun. And here is...
Oh, we don't have any mediums. I guess you're getting a big one.
There you go. Shea Phillips.
Boom.

Shea

Phillips. Big God, bro.

Oh, shit. I did that one quick, huh?

Oops. Hey, look, it's the lovely Heidi.

This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN. We went close there.

Yeah.

How many people like it when comedians do good on this show?

How of you like it when comedians do bad on this show

wow are you sure

they do almost everyone's doing bad and yeah

they like it this is it is hot it is hot yeah no doubt about it for those of you watching on the internet congratulations This is the episode to be in the air conditioning.

If it was cold, we'd be fucking killing. Yeah.

It would be a whole different episode.

It's crazy. But you know, it happens sometimes.
Every once in a great, great while.

Okay.

Awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian.
You guys having fun out there still?

Do we care about how hot it is in the room?

Make some noise for Nate Ortiz, everyone. Nate Ortiz

I've been on all the mat apps lately, you know, I've been on Tinder bumble DoorDash

Just looking for love and McNuggets at this point, you know, I'll entertain a Salvadorian man if he's giving me subway, you know

just want to watch SmackDown dude

I even paid 20 bucks for that Tinder premium to find out the two women I match with look just like me.

Same facial hair and everything.

It got to the point I had to ask my buddies for advice. I'm like, hey man, how do I get better matches? How do I beat this algorithm? They're like, dad, you should start losing some weight, bro.

You starting to look like a Puerto Rican mom from the back.

So I said, we paid, dude.

So I updated my Tinder profile. I said, from the front, I look like if Hagrid started a Twitch channel.

But from the back, dude, it looks like I'm washing dishes while salsa dancing.

Thank you. Nate Ortiz.

This is your first time on this show, right? Yes, yes, yeah, for a very first time. Awesome.
How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years in Houston. Wow, you're from Houston, too, huh?

Did you know Shea?

I'm sorry? Did you know Shea? I know Shea. We're actually the same weight.

Wow.

His personal trainer.

All right, fuck you guys, dude. It's real.

Nate, what do you do for work? I actually just got laid off Saturday.

Yeah. I was working.
This country's in shambles. Yeah.

I've noticed that. No, they found out that I actually wasn't white and I was fully Puerto Rican.
And they let me go.

Where was this job?

I was selling Samsung phones. Not at like a...
That's a mostly Puerto Rican job.

Our clientele is very Middle Eastern, very Nigerian.

A lot of haggling.

I'm not good with it. Hagglin Nigerians.
I don't even know how to spell the words, so I just gave them a good deal.

You do have the ass of a phone store manager. I'm surprised I let you go.
I did work at T-Mobile. That's actually the most Hispanic thing about me.
It's crazy.

So why exactly did they let you go? Oh, I was very late three times.

Why? Why were you late?

I did Coke till 7 a.m.

Ah, there it is.

That's why you're shaped like that. Yeah, yeah.

The mixture of bad food and cocaine. Yeah,

as you shaped like that. I say good decisions, but okay.

What's the most fun that you've ever had on cocaine until 7 a.m.?

my cocaine song is actually You Can Call Me Al

by Paul Simon.

I like listening to it in tidy-whiteys, but yeah.

That's awesome. Yeah, you do cocaine by yourself? Oh, it's the best.
I don't have to share with nobody. Yeah.

I've been there, brother.

I just lost my job, Tony.

You get home, you go, oh, I still have some left from the party. Now it's time to keep going.

Then you jack off in the mirror.

That's a good time. Until like 9 a.m.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much.
It's a real negative experience. Yeah.

But for a while, it's awesome. When you're in your underwear dancing to fucking Paul Simon,

pretty great.

That's a good time.

You had a great special on YouTube. Thank you, man.

It's incredible how much you look like an unhealthy version of one of my friends.

Philip, can you come down here? I want to do a side-by-side of you and my friend Philip. Where's Philip at?

Tony, the cocaine, I actually lost like 60 pounds, dude. So this is the healthiest I've been in years.
We're going to do it. Well,

incredible.

Are you still doing a lot of cocaine? Oh, yeah, I was doing it a lot earlier, later, or earlier.

Hell yeah.

You need a bump? No, no, I'm good. Permanently good.
Do you have a bump? Nope. All right.
I don't do it. How long? How do you afford it if you're out of a job? I'm not even really a comedian.

I do the shows for the pay and the free drink tickets, so that's really it. You got into fucking comedy for the pay?

No, I got in for the free drinks, dude.

Yeah.

Well, you said pay all, but whatever.

Even for free drinks, it doesn't make sense. Here's a healthy version of yourself.

Stand side by side with

side by side, side by side.

Keep going up, Philip. Keep going up.
Keep going up.

Keep going up. Now stand side by side.
Square up to a camera. Look at a camera together.
Look at the one on the right over there. Look at that guy.
Yeah.

See the faces? That's what you could look like if you just stayed sushi and didn't do cocaine. And Phil, you've been losing a little weight.
I have.

Yeah, when you were jumping, you really did look like that guy.

I lost 30 pounds, not like 130. Yeah.
So you're saying you should do meth. That's the thing.

That's actually more expensive.

That's right.

So, incredible Philip, do you have any advice for him on exactly how to get his life together? Well, I lost like 30 pounds.

You'd need to lose a little bit more than that.

Eat healthy. Drink a lot of water.

Did you ever hear that? Do less Coke? I don't know.

Or more.

I know, Tony, I know you saw me hesitate. Yeah.
Because when you said Philip, I was like,

is there another Philip up here? No, you're not. I don't look anything like this dude.
Yeah, you look exactly like him. You have the exact same face.
Unfortunately, he's just so much fatter.

Only I can see it.

But yeah, you have the same face. If you, like, if something terrible happened and you completely went Lieutenant Dan on yourself, this is what you would look like.

I think this sucks for both of you, right?

Yeah, it does. Philip has a new podcast on the Your Mom's House Network.
What's that called? The Not a Damn Chance podcast. Not a Damn Chance Podcast.
There you go. There's a free plug.

There goes Philip.

And Nate Ortiz, anything else crazy we should know about you? You seem like you have a lot of backstory to tell you. My ex-girlfriend was non-binary.
Whoa.

What was his name?

We wore the same bra. Yeah, it was great.

Was it always non-binary, or did that happen when you were dating?

I didn't know until we were fucking. And then what did you find out?

You used the wrong pronoun while you were fucking.

She kept calling me brother, you know, like Hulk Hogan. Oh, damn.
RIP.

I was like, wait, what?

No,

I had a lot of hard times with

whatever.

Because, like, I couldn't figure out words to say during an argument. You know, so I just kept saying shit my dad said.
So I was like, hey, calm down, slugger.

Yeah.

yeah you got that one champ you can't call her a bitch you gotta be like hey

jerk

the whole thing's so weird to me was she non-binary when you started dating her no she looked beautiful dude and then we got together and then cut all her hair off

and what else changed other than the haircut she her pits got hairier and what else changed her legs got everything got hairier that was wow it was not a good experience. And was she

on medication at the time?

I don't know. Liberalism.
I don't know.

No, but I liked it because she was the only one to allow me to just face fuck all night, which was really great.

What do you mean by that exactly? You mean do coke? I put it on Fupa on the chin, Tony. That was...

Oh, fuck me.

All right. Well.

You know what? You actually did good. So here's the joke.

Oh, there you go.

Just throwing joke books at people.

Just bouncing them right off there.

Oh, okay. Thank you guys.

There he goes.

There he goes. All right, another bucket full.
We are back into the 80s. It's 80.2 degrees for those of you paying attention.
Somehow it's getting warmer again, everybody. Who likes it hot in here?

Okay. Hey, by the way, Dean, Dean didn't do shit.
Huh? Where the fuck is Dean? Yeah, Dean dropped. He gave us two degrees less.
Yeah. Fuck Dean.

Bring Dean's bitch ass down here.

Shave his head. Give him a crew cut.
It's time to start acting right.

Pulled another name. Let's go.
60 seconds uninterrupted for Joe Filey. Joe Filey.
Whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

Fuck yeah, mothershit.

God damn.

Getting real tired getting called white trash.

I like to think I'm like upper middle class trash. You know what I mean? Like we got some money with the problems.

My sister invents her own parties and holidays. Like she had a skin tone reveal party.

If you don't know what that is, it's just she fucked three guys that year and didn't have health insurance and they all came to the hospital. My dad held the baby up like Lion King style.

It was like a skin tone.

And it was crazy because I don't know. It sounds horrible, I have to say it, but like, how good is my sister's pussy?

Because

as a white guy, you know how good the pussy would have to be for me to go with a black guy and a Mexican guy to the hospital to find out if it's my kid?

And then you still stay around and raise the black kid as the white guy? Like, it was crazy.

Like, two days before, I was 12, and two days before, I knew that the baby was going to be black.

Because we were in the hospital, and the black guy's like, yo, I need to go get some milk. And left the hospital.

Like, they have it here. All right, that's my time.
Thank y'all.

Joe Filey.

Good job, Joe. Thank you, thank you.

You've been on this show before, am I correct? Or have I just seen you hiding under my bed when I was a kid?

I mean the bed the bridge but yeah this is my third time on here hell yeah welcome back Joe this had to be your best set of them all for sure for sure yes absolutely you've been working hard oh yeah working just oh no not partying as much hell yeah absolutely

what kind of partying were you doing oh there's a lot of coke well I mean the bag said coke on it but it tasted funny but there was a lot of coke for a while there and

a lot of shrooms, LSD weed. It's 6th Street.
There's no rules here. I don't make the rules of 6th Street.
Absolutely. Incredible.

And how long has it been since you had the operation to remove the backside horse part of your body?

About 2,000 years, Tony.

Incredible. Incredible.
I still want to make wishes every time I see you, Joe. Listen,

they're saying there's nothing wrong with the water in East Palestine, so I'm going to keep drinking the tap water in Ohio. You know what I mean? Yeah, where are you from? Well, Youngstown, Ohio.

Oh, no. You are from Youngstown, Ohio? I grew up on...

Well, South Bonaire, then East Florida, I have in Youngstown. Holy shit.
Yeah.

Wow. Look at you.

Even for Youngstown, you're weird-looking, dude. I'm the one white guy in the hood they didn't fuck with.
I have a look, I know.

That is...

Yeah,

I didn't know it was white hood. I thought it was Amish.

No, it's not. Same beard, huh? It's not Amish at all in Youngstown, unfortunately.
There's very few people that look like Joe Filey. I could see why the black people would get scared of you.

I scared the shit out of you.

All right. I was the needle in the haystack, I guess you would say.
That was definitely.

Huh? I said, I was the needle in the haystack for sure in Youngstown. That was.

Right. Yeah.

For sure.

And what do you do for work, Joe Filey? Right now, I work at a weed shop on 6th Street.

Okay.

All right. God damn, can you imagine buying weed from them?

I I must have a good face for selling weed. They love it.

I don't know if it's like the brow ridge, but they come in like, honey, this weed works. Fuck the THCA label.
Like, we're getting the weed. Right.
No doubt about it.

They're like, this weed will make your eyes move apart from one another.

You have a girlfriend? No, fuck no.

What's dating like being

looking, having a hand?

Have you heard of the Dollhouse ATX?

I know you're sponsored by the Yellow Rose, uh-huh, and Red Rose, but the Dollhouse ATX is way doper. It's like Pornhub, but you like rent the chick by the hour.
You like, they have a search bar.

Each chick has like categories. They're probably getting shut.
Look, Red Man's nodding. He knows.
He's been there. Oh, Red Man knows.
Well, well, well, look who's been playing at the dollhouse.

The craziest part was you followed it with the sunset page. That's like, I can grab my when I follow

Order in the court. We hereby find the defendant completely guilty.
Yo, is it your wife here?

You can see her at the dollhouse tonight. No.
All right. No, actually, I heard about from Joe White about.

Okay, just. Is it the place where you could like rent like a room? Yeah, that's what he just said.

Oh, yeah, it's like Liam Neeson style. They put sheets in the bigger rooms to divide him up.
What's the craziest thing you've done at the dollhouse ATX?

Oh, God. what

that there was like this poor little colombian chick and it was like the i wanted a charlie sheen so like hold on nice and slow poor little colombian chick she didn't happen to have a 30 cent only fans

but i i wanted a charlie sheen so like i put some coke on my dick i had her snort it and suck the rest And like midway through the suck, she was like, 200 more.

And I just paid it to her because it was worth. That's not even a lie.
Like, I could.

Wow. I wish it was a my parents are gonna see this.
They're huge fans. Yeah,

absolutely. They are going to see what you're up to

So 200 bucks and you basically got a blow job at a strip club Yeah, kind of halfway. This is a ringing endorsement for dollhouse ATX.

I mean, I almost feel bad for the red rose and yellow rose because this is quite the ad read.

Listen, they don't have no Heidis at the dollhouse, all right? If you're going in a dollhouse,

no doubt about it.

They have running Heidis.

You can run, but you can't Heide.

The chicks there probably look like you.

There's a couple. Yeah.

There's a $50 menu for sure. There's like a 3 p.m.
hop, happy hour.

My God.

Fourth meal.

So you make money at the weed shop and then you lug it over to the dollhouse ATX. Oh, that's like a once every two month thing.
That's like a red lobster. You know what I mean?

Like every two months you can go,

you get some cheddar bay biscuit.

You really are from Youngstown. That confirms it.
Everyone in Youngstown thinks red lobster is an every two-month celebration.

It really is. I was shocked when I grew up and got just a little bit of success and was like, oh, wow, this is not the best restaurant in the world.
It's incredible.

I was tricked for the first 18 or 19 years of my life. I went there after my confirmation.
It was a big deal. The best.

That lobster was huge. The best.

I mean, you can just count on it.

Big shrimp cocktail. All the biscuits? Come on.
Come on. No doubt about it.

So. So you're getting Coke on your dick with

a sex slave at the place.

Sex slave, in Thailand, they felt like sex slave, Shane. Oh, you went to Thailand? Yeah, I've been to Bangkok before.
but that's like, whoa.

I have this look, brother. Like, they know what.
When I get, I landed in Thailand, there's like 30 bitches there. Like, he's the one.
That's.

You probably, if you, if you learn Russian, you'll be fucking sick, dude. You look like a Dagestani wrestler.
True.

I can't fight at all. I carry a gun.
Fuck that. CCW class is like eight hours, and you're just as tough as them.
Like, that's.

We're going to read a couple Yelp reviews here for Dollhouse ATF.

Here we go.

Here we go.

We went in here thinking it was a sex shop. We were half right.

They have a very small collection of lingerie and sex toys, but they have several women there in lingerie. So I think they might be in the business of selling something all capital letters else.

If you want sex toys, go next door. It has a much larger selection.
Wait, who the fuck wrote that? It says Matt M. Nick M

named Matt M wrote that.

I was on the search for a giant dildo and there was a bunch of naked ladies wanting to have sex with me. Yeah, exactly.
I hated it.

There's a four-star review from James. Here we go.
It starts with, and this is how you know it's good. It starts with, okay, here's the deal.

You go in and there's a lobby. Costs 65 bucks just to get into the main area.
Is that true? It's like 55 on Sunday nights and Monday nights. Wow, look at that.
On

discount. Yeah.
Early bird special.

Working on a budget.

If you want a private show, it costs another $65 and you pick your model. And if there's more than one working there, you've already spent $130 to get a non-new dance.
If you want nudity, it's $100.

Is that true? $75 on Sunday. There you go.

So to get in from the lobby and get a full new dance costs $165 total any day but Sunday.

If you have money to burn burn and like the idea of being in your own room one-on-one with a hot bottle dancing and grinding in your lap, it's cool.

I personally prefer that to going to say Yellow Rose where there's too many drunk assholes making the place noisy. Oh my god.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to our great sponsors.
This is fucked up.

Look what you've done. I'll mention you when I go there no.
No, no, it's okay. It's all right.

Shout outs to Kiltony.

What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you at the dollhouse ATX? Oh, I don't like anything in my my butt, and the one chick was too hot to say no, so I just let her play a little bit.

Whoa, what did she put in?

I didn't realize, like, the nice thing had two drawers, so she opened the first one, and I don't know, you look at, like, level one through five, and it's like, I can take five, but let's start with one.

And I didn't know there was like a level six through ten in the second drawer down.

I made it to eight without yelling, so that was. Were you facing the other way or something? You just didn't see what was going on?

You're face down in the bed, and like you're peeping over. Like, she's holding your...
She doesn't want you to see what's in the drawer. Right.
right

and how much

didn't wait you paid right yeah

yeah you could have spoke up

yeah when not when number five was in your ass back let me talk to a manager right now that's ridiculous she was the manager that was the manager

wow It was a $75 manager special on a Sunday, and I got pegged.

Wow.

This place is going to be be packed on Sundays from now on. This is completely backfired.

Backfire is also what happened that day for you.

You have a big joke book from here yet? I got a couple. You have a couple big joke books? I mean, they're pretty cool.
Perfect. There you go.
Fill them up. Thank you, sir.

There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen.

All right.

Let's do one more bucket pull. We've had a lot on today.
We've been flying through these interviews, believe it or not. Make some noise for your final bucket pull.

How about another hand for Heidi, everybody?

Your final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Ramus, everyone.
Or Ramba

or Ramos. Okay.

Hello, hello.

So last time I was here, it was thinking about bags and boxes.

Yeah, and I actually worked for a moving company. I was telling Tony that.
And,

you know, one time I was moving this dude, and I i thought he had down syndrome so i'm looking at him weird he's looking at me weird i'm like man i don't know you know so i'm trying to be off extra soft and then he said like yo i went to asu and i grew up in phoenix so i'm like oh where yeah i did shrooms and i smoked weed and drank and i'm like wait a minute they let people with down syndrome syndrome do that you know that's not normal and then at the end of the job he gave us like 60 bucks So I knew we didn't have Downs because I was like, otherwise he would have gave us like Cheez-Its, maybe some jelly beans, like a single marshmallow.

But you got to take it. You can't, it's going to stick to your fingers, but you got to take it.
You can't not say no, right?

Yeah, that's my name. Ram B.
Thank you.

That's short of a minute.

Yeah. Okay.

50 seconds from right. Ramus? I'll take it.
I'll take it. Ram B, actually.
Ram B. I think there was something.
Yep. There's a little space.
You left a space between the line down and that S.

You might have caught the wrong name.

No, I didn't. It's your your handwriting.
So

I'll take it. Let's go.

You see that? Can you confirm that that looks like a Ramis?

No. The separation between the

100% Ram, Ram B. R-I-M-B.
Yeah.

Oh, but you're saying

because it doesn't connect. Yes.
I even did a

capital B. That's you.
Yeah, that's you. It's Ram B.

Yeah, but you spelled it. Ram B.

Like lamb. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Ram.
That's fair. That's fair.
Yeah. And the second one.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Ramby?

I moved here in 2021, and I did about 10 open mics in Wisconsin before that. So about four years.
But I have taken some months off because of life shit. You know, my dad

pops fast and some other stuff. Damn it.
I'm just being honest. I'm just being honest.
But I have stayed consistent with writing through that four years. So I've been doing it four years, basically.

That was a roundabout state of way four years. Yep, got it.

How did did dad die?

Leukemia. He beat it once and then it came back.
Wow. He beat leukemia once.
Leukemia is your mom's name?

Depends on who you ask, I guess.

She's gonna love that joke. I love it.
To be honest.

So how do you make money? I work at a call center

internet company, but I can't say it. You know what I'm saying? You like it?

It works for right now. What are the hours like?

When do I get there? What are the hours? No, I'm joking. 10 to 7.
Okay. You have any trouble waking up in the morning?

You know, before this show, I didn't, you know, I was an early riser, and now I'm like, you know what? Fuck it, I'm asleep till about 9:30. You know, like,

you know, got it. I gave myself some leeway.
What do you do? It's like a, what do you call it? Self-care? Sure.

What do you do at nighttime for fun?

I go do mics and uh and then i also uh

play

random police

from red i dodge cops but i dodge cops on red dead redemption too that's the kind of shit i do you know i mean grand theft auto have you ever gotten arrested never actually you know what's funny is a lot of people get surprised that i've never been to jail and then when they meet me and talk to me longer they're like i can't even fucking believe it But it's just because I've been lucky, to be honest.

You never heard of Sammy the Bull? Yeah. All right.
Well, I was in Arizona and at the time, about like 22 years old.

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't say this.

Go ahead. Fuck it.
Go ahead. Fuck it.
Let it out. Yeah.
Taxes are probably getting me before this anyway. But

I'm joking. But

he was doing like an ecstasy ring. And my dude that I was living with was dealing with ecstasy.
And every now and then, we'd make a few bucks on the weekend or whatever, you know.

And then all of a sudden, we saw the dude that we were getting the pills from in the parking lot on the news. And that was, was, I wasn't a very good drug dealer.

That was the end of my drug dealing days right there.

Wow. Yeah.
23 people were in that ecstasy ring. You can go look it up.
It's real shit. Wow.
Yeah. And you were in it, but you didn't get it.
No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. Tony's not incriminating Ram today.
Oh, Ramus, as you say. Yeah, Ramus.

Ramus is.

I love it. What's your love life like, Ram B?

We talked about this last time. I don't know if I remember.
I was back to the bags and boxes, and I sang the song about the girl not calling me back. You know, and I, yeah,

yeah.

So she still ain't called.

I'm chilling, man. I'm, you know, I'm really just trying to build my life up and not really worry about that side of my life because, you know.
No kids?

My daughter's 21, living her life, doing her thing. Wow.
Yeah, doing very good, actually. Yeah.
Okay, great. College and everything.

How much did you contribute to that child?

I raised her half. I lived in Wisconsin for 20 years, which was

very much a sacrifice. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
After growing up in Phoenix, it was like, fuck this shit. Hey.

And how did you end? Where in Phoenix? Wait, where are Phoenix? No, no, no. How'd you end up in Wisconsin? Because her mom was from Wisconsin, and so we moved there.

And so I stayed there after we broke up to raise her. White mom.

50%. Yeah.
White mom.

White mom.

How did the white parents take to you moving to Wisconsin? Popswood.

Right? Popswood. Can you give an example of what that means? These people up no

the whole family hates me. Let's just be real, right? But how do you know? Give us an example.
Oh, man, that's rough, man.

They might see this. They might.
So, what's one good little story? You're not naming them out by name. Could be any fancy.
You ever had somebody look at you like this?

Like, for way too long, right? Like that? Yeah. It was constantly that.
You know what I mean? Wow. Yeah.
Okay. Even at Thanksgiving, like, you're supposed to have a good...
Hey, let's hang out. Hey.

they never said anything disrespectful or anything, though, nothing in particular, just to look. I almost fought some family members, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wisconsin was an interesting time, I'll just say that, yeah, yeah.

Like, I recently went back there, and a bar owner looked at me across the bar for a while, like, I think I know this motherfucker, like, I'm serious, and he just kept looking at me, and I'm like, why is he looking at me?

And I forgot that I had tried to fight him about 10 years ago, yeah, yeah, you know,

how could you forget about that? Well, well, you know, you live a lot, I'm 47, so if you live a life where you've kind of fought some people, you forget.

And it's 2 a.m. And he accused me of something I didn't do.
So I was extra charged. And he's behind the bar yelling to me.
And I'm like, hey, I'll fuck you up type shit.

Well, I didn't. I'm proud of myself, actually.
And I'm very much matured. I wouldn't fight nobody these days.
Incredible. You're 47 years old.
You successfully raised a 21-year-old daughter. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. You've avoided getting arrested.
Yeah.

I'm a fucking miracle right now, right? Yeah. What's your secret?

What's your secret? I was born at six months, two pounds, right? Wow. So I've been a miracle over and over again.
All them stats, I'm like LeBron, right?

You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm 47 and I'm still going, baby. You know what I'm saying? Amazing.
I really feel that way. Like, I wake up every morning, like, you're LeBron.

Fuck you. Not Bronny.
And then you go to a call center and take calls. Yeah, I know.
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I know.

I'm not going to get him. Someone's just yelling, get him, Shane.
I'm not

Let's go, Shane. No, I appreciate it.
Hey, I would take a drink. They took my drink away.
I had to. They took your drink? I had some Vach.
I had to sit it down. They take your drink?

Yeah, well, I couldn't bring it down the alley. You know what I mean? I couldn't do that.
You could. Yeah, that's a good one.

We could do a black fist up.

Yep.

There you go.

All right, Ram B. I appreciate it.
You already have a big joke book? No, I got a small one. Well, guess what, buddy? You're getting the extra dark edition

Kill Tony joke congratulations

to ram b not ramus at all it's ram b

all right it's been a hell of an episode the hottest episode in the history of kill tony we went from the 80s to the 70s back to the 80s and i'm pleased to report that we are back at 79.9 degrees right now 50 humidity a very rare treat it does not work for comedy at all.

But you guys are a bunch of superheroes, and we thank you. Congratulations to you.
And for your herodom, you shall be rewarded.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews on this show.

The reigning defending Hall of Famer, the Emperor of Express VPN, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody.

Austin, I'm so excited to announce to everybody, I'm actually about to start auditioning for my first feature-length film. The guy

seems super nice. He actually sent the script to my father back in Memphis, which was weird as shit.
It's like, how do you even get his fucking address? But I'm really excited.

Ozzy Osborne died

30 years ago.

I'm doing my first intervention tomorrow, and I've got a ton of anxiety because I just don't know. I don't know what to wear.

And that's a true one. Okay, let's keep it moving.
Ah, it's sad.

If you don't want me to join a cult, quit wearing all those groovy clothes in your propaganda videos. And we get free juice, sign me the fuck up.

Free love, no taxes, VIP access to a spaceship heading to heaven, and I get to wear the most stylist fits. Presbyterian church, COS down!

Asking for that 10% tithe, shit, my cult keeps it. God damn it, I messed that person.

Presbyterian church, COS down. Asking for that 10% tithe.
shit Mike Cole wants 100% of my assets and they're gonna keep it 100 you know what I'm saying

Have y'all seen the trailer for the new moderate to Zevere Plaque Sorias' commercial

Okay, that's my time William Montgomery has done it again

Yo,

I got you. Yeah, the intervention's tough.
Yeah, yeah, I wore wore a fucking Notre Dame Coach's polo to my sister's intervention.

Sat in a hotel in Pittsburgh, like, she's got to make some change.

So what do you wear today?

You can't wear something cool. You got to go talk.
You got to go talk. Tux is fucking crazy.
Tux move.

I know you're doing heroin.

My name's Bond.

Yeah, maybe a coat and tie. I don't have a tux.
Coat and tie suit

suit could work. Yeah.
Okay. Or you could go to Notre Dame Coach's Polo.
It worked. My sister stopped going to heroin.

Well, too bad I fucking can't stand Notre Dame, dude. I'm a Florida Gators fan.
I cannot stand. After the whole fucking...

After the whole Mantai Teo debacle y'all handle, I can't stand Notre Dame. No, no, no.
How was that a debacle, dude? He was innocent. Also, yeah, whatever.

You guys are totally irrelevant these days, so whatever.

You had a good run. Maybe this year.
Okay, but you had a good run.

William, this is incredible. This intervention.
What college ball?

This intervention you're doing, is this for a family member, a friend? What are they, what's what are they on?

Are they having a good time or a tired time? I don't know. Think of a tired time.
They're sleepy.

Yes, very sleepy. Yeah, I had a sleepy intervention myself.

Yeah, very is that the one with the Notre Dame jersey or was that another one? Notre Dame Coach's polo. What, was your sister just getting a little sleepy? She was just getting a little sleepy.

She was on drugs and stuff? Yeah. Like downers? Yeah, heroin.

And then, yeah, that makes you nod off. And I think that's the situation I'm dealing with.

Yeah. Well, are they mean a lot now? Have they turned mean when they're not on it?

Are they stealing stuff a little? A little bit. Yeah.
You know, I can't have them over in my life. That's probably heroin.
And then you go, what the fuck?

Yeah. But it's surprising how quickly they come back.
You go, there's that person I liked. Well, you know, well, good luck.
I'm praying. Thank you.
What's your speech?

What's your speech speech gonna be yeah can you give us an example stop doing it

do that you deserve it yeah yeah yeah

you gotta stop doing that man

we're all worried about your motherfucking ass no

we need you eating cheddar bay biscuits again he literally is not hungry anymore he used to go to fucking that place with me all the time but yeah we're gonna get him eating cheddar bay biscuits again we're going to get it figured out.

Are you saying cheddar day? Cheddered bay biscuits? Cheddar bay. Yeah, cheddar bay biscuits.

But yeah, oh my gosh, Tony, this past weekend, just to look at old sets, I watched every single, and I've never done this.

And Tony, I want to say my heart was melting a little bit because when I'm doing these jokes, I don't really ever see y'all's reactions too much or people up here's reaction.

And it always made me smile to myself when I could see your ass laughing at some of my jokes.

And Red Band, I do have to say, I don't feel horrible about talking about your slutty ass mom every single time it was like probably in a hundred sets of mine i was talking shit about your mom so i did have a very nice weekend just reminiscing over these times i'd never gone back and watched them

all three yeah red band you you brought those prop glasses just for this moment with william

You've been wearing these are real glasses. But you put them on now? Yeah, I always put them on at the end.

So I don't forget them. Wait, you never noticed that? He always puts his glasses on at the end.

No, he's never done that before. Oh, man.
It's a classic kill time he did.

When the glasses come on, you know, it's wrapping up. What do you think about Red Band's glasses, William? I think they make him look a lot smarter.
And I had been worried.

He's been looking kind of stupid recently. And

I think, thank God with those glasses, they make you look a lot smarter. Red Band, I'm kidding.
You look like a weird homeless kind of person. You look scary with those glasses.
I take them off.

Are those even prescription glasses, Redban? Yes, they are. They are? How much do they cost?

$350. That's embarrassing, dumbass.
I was thinking you were going to say something like that.

So, Willie. You know, and Redman, you actually do look better.
I swear to God. You somehow used to look worse, I think.
But I mean, you still look okay. You're getting worse, but.

Is this the intervention that you were playing?

Yes. Yeah, Redman, we have to get you up out of your apartment, man.
I mean, we have to get you. I know you've been holed up up there a long time.
We know you're fucking super depressed.

You've been on VR way longer than normal. My girl's a stripper at the dollhouse, man.
My girl's a stripper at the dollhouse, man.

Tell us about this new plaque and psoriasis commercial. Not many of us have seen it.

It's just this nasty looking bitch walking around with all these fucking, like, it looks like she got real sunburned on different parts of her body. That's what plaque psoriasis is.

It's like this nasty disease people get. I don't know if it's sexually transmitted.
I don't know how people get it, but it's just this real sickening disease people get.

But yeah, no. So the commercial seems really good.
It's just getting more. It's going to get people on these pills.

Have you, let's go back to the intervention for a second. Have you planned a speech for this? Have you written a speech? I was starting to write some earlier.
Uh-huh.

And I'm going to have to really fit. I'm going to finish it up tomorrow.
Don't do it. Don't read like a.
Yeah. So I shouldn't read.
Yeah, what do you think? Do I go from the heart? No, no, do it.

Do a brand new minute for the fucking guy.

I would, yeah, go from the heart on the intervention.

If you read, it's.

It better kill. It better kill.

It's like everybody reads like it's a fucking best man speech. I sat in the room and everyone was like, oh, I'm a little nervous.

It's like, this is about her.

Yeah, let it run.

Yeah, okay. Let it flow.
Oh, thank you to the fucking horrible person that belched belched right there. We're talking about a friend of mine that's quite literally dying.

And I hear this monster burp right there. That was you? That was a nice homosexual couple right here.

But you burp it on his dick, bitch.

Wow.

It's amazing how you do that. It makes the whole place light up all crazy.
Tony, I am stinking tonight. This is weird.

I swear I think they did the formulation of Old Spice Deodorant differently, dude. I've

been starting to stink at night now. Ooh.

Yeah. It's never happened before.
I've never stunk like this. This is a new thing.
Have you changed your diet at all? I just met a mucil out the frame.

I'm up to four cups of it a day, and I did shit twice today, which is great because I did go a span of time of three days this past week without shitting.

Wow.

But I'm doing so much row. I'm at 720 miles on the row machine since January, so I just feel like my body's actually really using all the bananas, all the stuff I'm eating.

It's going straight to my muscles is what my guess is.

So that's why I'm not doo-dooing because all the like the peanut butter crackers, fucking bananas and shit, going straight to my muscles. What else goes straight to your muscles?

Give us some examples of things that go straight to your muscles. I mean, you know, I'm drinking a fucking protein shake with scoop.

But no, weirdly enough, a lot of jelly beans. I think a lot of these sports people are saying, go down on the sugar.
No, jelly beans are good.

The popcorn, the buttered popcorn, jelly beans, I'm all up in those right now, Toddy. And I'm going to bring some to the intervention tomorrow.
Ooh, I feel like everybody loves a

get them hooked on something. Yeah, yeah,

you think that's good? Try this. Yeah, try these jelly beans.
But I gotta tell you, a lot of heroin people, they're gonna go straight to candy as soon as they get done.

He's going right to those jelly beans. Yeah, yeah, if it's heroin, whatever.
Is it heroin? Is that the main drug of the person getting the intervention? Yeah, amongst uh cornucopia of other things.

Ooh,

other heroin and other other stuff. Oh, yeah, it's time for an intermatch.

Wow. Hurry that up.
Yeah. I've never heard you use the word cornucopia before, William.
Are there any other new words in your vocabulary this week that you're excited about?

It's a little spot. Licensed.
Whoa. All right.
Wait.

Didn't even activate this one. That's all hard to enter.
You got sad horns on that one. Sometimes when you're not passionate about it, you get barely a drum, sad horns, and barely any lights.

Assessor.

You should do

poly substance drug user.

Huh? Poly substance drug user. That's what your friend is.
Oh, a poly substance drug user.

Poly substance drug user. There you go.

The words, this is a hard one, Tony. I'm so sorry.
I mean, I'm really screwing up on this one. I can't.

You can say anything.

Honestly, the ones that you don't really know that aren't that exciting are kind of funnier than the crazy ones.

A new word this week from William Montgomery.

We're almost there.

And here,

we go.

Could be anything in the world. It's really.
I gotta tell you, it's impossible. I'm trying to think of one word.
I can't think of one word.

Wyoming.

Words are tough. Yeah.
Domino!

Wow. Look at that.

What's the one thing that you're hoping

at the end of this intervention tomorrow? What's the one thing that you're hoping that the person that you're giving the intervention to will not say?

I never gonna stop using drugs that's William Montgomery this has been the hottest episode of Kiltonian history we were able to get it down to 79.2 degrees guys the drawing from Ryan J.

Ebelt is in how loud can you guys get for our guests tonight Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker everybody

you did it brought to you by Express VPN Tire season two Matt and Shane Secret Pod on Spotify everywhere else. Anything else you guys want to plug or anything,

Matt?

I'll be in Atlantic City August 16th. Hell yeah.
Atlantic City Ocean Casino Resort. Please come.
The Kill Tony.

Yeah. Thank you, Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis.
The band will be a Blue Note in New York City the Monday after Madison Square Garden, 818-818. You got it.

This episode brought to you by ExpressVPN one more time for the best damn band in the land and our guests, Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. Red band.

Check out the Secret Show every Thursday, SunsetStripATX.com. Love you guys.
We love you guys. Thank you so much.
Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStriptatx.com for tickets.

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