#731 - MATT MCCUSKER + SHANE GILLIS

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Bank coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hitchcraft.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Hell yeah, make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

Keep it going for the best damn band in the land.

This is Kill Tony brought to you by Express VPN.

Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, sweating bullets, Big Mike

on the drums, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and that is D-Madness live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen.

An absolute scorcher.

We're sitting here at 81.1 degrees Fahrenheit, 71% humidity.

The AC guy is here.

Make some noise for the AC guy.

Texas, late in July.

Welcome.

Welcome.

Holy shit.

ACs be breaking.

This is a real live show.

Anything can happen.

Happens everywhere.

Doesn't matter how much money Spotify gives you.

ACs be breaking in Texas.

A good old stress test here today.

You see people fanning themselves.

There's a Latino woman with an actual portable fan.

I don't know how she snuck that in here.

They lock up phones, but I guess you're allowed to shove a portable fan up your puss.

Anything can happen here.

As you could tell, this is an action-packed episode.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Attention, all small biz owners.

At the UPS store, you can count on us to handle your packages with care.

With our certified packing experts, your packages are properly packed and protected.

And with our pack and ship guarantee, when we pack it and ship it, we guarantee it.

Because your items arrive safe or you'll be reimbursed.

Visit theupsstore.com slash guarantee for full details.

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS Store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

Chronic migraine.

15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more, can make me feel like a spectator in my own life.

Botox, onobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine.

It's not for those with 14 or fewer headache days a month.

It's the number one prescribed branded chronic migraine preventive treatment.

Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor.

Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms.

Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk.

Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection side pain, fatigue, and headache.

Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness.

Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection.

Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

Why wait?

Ask your doctor, visit BotoxchronicMigraine.com, or call 1-800-44-BOTOX to learn more.

This podcast is supported by Progressive, a leader in RV insurance.

RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets.

So if you bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll want Progressive RV Insurance.

They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet owner who loves to travel.

See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RV Insurance at progressive.com today.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates pet injuries and additional coverage and subject to policy terms.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to sunsetstriptatx.com for tickets.

Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Well, well, well.

You know, every single week I book the show, and I can tell you with no ego, we're really doing it, Red Band.

This is one of those very special nights.

You guys hit the fucking comedy lottery.

You did it.

You did it.

This is one of those big ones.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the greatest guests in the show's history.

This is indeed Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker.

It is hot in in here.

Shane Dillis, Matt McCusker.

It's crazy how much hotter it is out here.

It's...

Mike.

Hey, guys.

Two, three, four.

It is unbelievably hot.

Like, fucking blows.

It is incredible.

I don't want to bring it up because I know that, you know, you're thinking about it.

The crazy thing is that the AC works well in some places right now.

The other room, which is an open mic filled with absolute bottom-of-the-barrel peasants, they are

chilling, 69 degrees in there.

The green room, 71 degrees, right behind that curtain.

Very, very nice.

It was nice right behind there.

And Matt, right before we went on, was like, it's not that bad.

I was like, wait till we fucking walk out.

This is where God has decided the heat will lay tonight.

Matt, how you feeling down there?

Pretty good.

I'm thinking we can like alternate breathing between guys and girls every 30 seconds.

We're going to have to come up with some kind of plan.

The AC guy is here.

I'm going to ask management, if anyone's listening,

wave to me before he leaves.

I want an update.

Maybe we can get the AC guy to agree to a quick appearance,

live appearance.

Maybe he can explain himself.

Whatever we do do not let that guy fucking leave without giving me some kind of signal I know he was just planning on another quick stop on a sixth street fucking dungeon-esque bar but he might end up in front of 5.5 million people real quick who gives a fuck right should we harass the AC guy

anything can happen here

You guys have been guests numerous times on the show.

305 human souls signed up for tonight's show.

Matt and Shane know what the fuck is up.

The bucket gets crazy.

They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Then, you know, their time is up and they hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger west Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

I conduct an interview.

It's going to be a lot of fun watching them truly physically sweat tonight.

They are in for the shock of their lives.

None of them know that the AC is broken here.

So they're in a nice air-conditioned bar next door right now.

They're going to be in the nice air-conditioned backstage, and they're going to walk out and they're going to think it's them.

So let's have some fun.

Before we get to that first bucket pool, I have a golden ticket winner here ready to debut a new minute of stand-up comedy.

We're going to watch them all together.

One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian of the night.

This is Martin Phillips, everybody.

Dang, it is fucking hot.

Holy shit, oh my god.

Okay,

um,

growing up, I didn't have many Jewish friends,

not on purpose, but uh

I was never dining to apartments, but I think it's too late, you know.

I think people would take notice that I specifically hung out with 13-year-old old Jewish boys.

I was like, no, I just want to party with

the banger.

But

anyway,

circumcision started

because God told Abraham to do it.

He also told him to kill his son and he took it back as a task.

So maybe he waited too long

to say something.

You know, he came back.

He was like, oh, by the the way you know oh crap

you did it

looks looks great

you told everyone to do it oh

yeah

okay

Martin Phillips with a brand new minute acknowledging the heat up top how does the heat affect your condition wow I feel sweat like a motherfucker

anything else when it gets real hot, can you like straighten out your legs or anything?

I think I just get heating child shit and I go.

Okay, so you're human other than

I'm a heavy sweater, so I'm definitely gonna

drop up here.

Okay.

Heavy sweater, you're dressed for the occasion.

You're one of the only people wearing shorts tonight on the crowd.

Yeah.

You texted me like 15 minutes ago, so I don't know.

Okay, perfect.

Nobody needed to know that, but I guess that's fine.

Yeah, I needed a last-second opener there, Martin, and gave you the opportunity of a lifetime.

But I guess you've exposed my lack of preparation in front of the world.

I didn't have time.

Yeah, if he's going to toss pants on, you got to give him like four hours.

You got to call him on fucking Friday.

Brother, we're going to need pants by Monday.

Me too, by the way.

Oh, shit.

Martin, you ever have a bad experience putting on your pants?

No, I could put them on.

Okay.

You know.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Yeah, I like that.

Yeah, I know.

You asshole.

Yeah.

If it was a button-up shirt, they made me button.

All I can do is get them up, you know?

It's easy.

That looks smooth as hell.

That was nice.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's better than me.

I gotta like lay down.

Thanks, that fuck.

He deserves that.

My joke was better, but yeah.

Martin, what else has been going on in your life?

My glasses are fucking up, guys.

I bought a new car

myself.

Wow.

Not because I crashed the old one, okay?

I just needed a new car, okay?

What kind of car did you get?

I get a Prius, so it's official.

I am gay.

I guess

I want to get the same car as you have, and then I could pull up and be like, hey, Twin C's.

Hell yeah.

And then I'd have to get a Prius just to be different.

And it would make sense.

Because you're gay.

Right, very good.

Yes, Martin.

That would be.

Yep, that would be implied.

Only two I'm gays so far in two and a half minutes.

This is another episode of Kill Tony.

I blend in with the others.

That's for drinking game every time.

Yeah, okay.

Do you drink, Martin?

Oh, sometimes.

Ari Maddie tells us some crazy tales.

That's not even true, Donnie.

Ari's been saying shit.

I'm like, I go to bed.

Ari is the one out

till 6 a.m.

By the one time I did get drunk with Ari and

I was drunk, yes.

And it doesn't make me look any more able.

Doesn't that makes it worse, I think, actually.

I think.

Like my hotel was like a block away.

I had an Uber.

Like it was...

I was not going to make it there.

So,

yeah.

Awesome.

Well, Martin, you got the show started tonight.

Thank you so much.

A golden ticket winner.

Reigning defending Martin Phillips.

Is the AC guy there, Zach?

No, he's on his way down.

But we do have an update incoming.

We'll hold him back there while I bring up the first bucket pull of the night.

You guys know how this part works.

It's where shit gets a little crazy.

Because we're going to meet somebody.

Could be the next star of the show.

Could be a fucking insane person.

Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night.

It's Daniel Shepard, everybody.

Daniel Shepard.

So my birthday is coming up in a few days.

I think I look great for 36.

The problem with that is I'm turning 26.

So that fucking sucks.

I've been watching this show about guinea pigs.

It's pretty funny, interesting.

It's called The Sopranos on HBO.

Perhaps y'all have heard of it.

Another great show is Friends, but I think an even better show is Seinfeld.

Because if Seinfeld is the show about nothing, that means Friends is the show about Jennifer Anderson's nipples.

I forgot to equate how they were similar.

I'm a little nervous.

I just had some sushi recently.

I just had some sushi recently

over in the hood at this new place called Nagiri Please.

I ordered the Unagi Waa.

Yeah, they didn't have a drive-thru, but they had a drive-by.

And last joke, what do you call a black lawyer?

A brother-in-law.

All right, thank you guys.

Okay.

Thank God God you didn't do the punchline I thought was coming there.

Holy shit.

I liked watching the autism bleed through and you're like, I forgot to equate that last thing to the other.

Yeah.

Straight to sushi.

Yeah.

Fuck it.

Sushi next.

So the three shows that you've been watching recently, Sopranos, Seinfeld, and Friends.

Did you just get, what, a VCR player or something?

How are you just starting these three decade-old shows?

I've never heard about these jokes since eighth grade.

Friends is a lot like Seinfeld.

I just, you know, that was kind of the point of the joke, and I almost didn't include that, and I autistically added it, you know.

Do you remember what the correlation between the three was?

Friends is like Seinfeld without any Jews.

Okay.

My father wrote that joke, helped me write that joke before he died.

Wow, when did he die?

25 years ago?

He died 10 months ago.

Okay.

Wow.

How did he die?

He had a lung condition, so he had

connective tissue disease, which paralyzed his stomach, and that drained into his lungs and destroyed his lungs.

Bam Adlander.

Babbling with that.

And then he died in my arms.

He died in my arms at home one day.

What?

What was on the TV?

It was the Roku TV in the background.

Just a Roku screen.

The Roku, like,

Roku City, you know, just.

He died gazing into the sunset.

No.

Saw one last sunset.

It was Roku.

How long ago was this?

It's like 10 months ago.

Oh, shit.

All right.

Like, it was a...

My sister's birthday was the day before.

What?

October 1st.

October 1st.

Red Dan.

Did your sister bust into the room like Kramer?

Like, whoa!

She must not have blown out all the candles or something.

Yeah.

She was in a big fight with my dad, so she wasn't home at the time.

Oh, so maybe she did blow out the candles and made a nasty little wish.

Oh, yeah.

I don't even think she saw him the day before.

I don't know.

Well, that's really fucking horrendous, man.

I'm sorry to hear that for real.

Yeah.

What were they arguing about, your sister and your father, at the time of his death?

The people at home want to know.

My dad, my

My sister would try to attend to my dad a lot, and there was some pushback with like a sick guy being told what to do.

What was she trying to get him to do?

Oh, just like, she's just kind of up his ass kind of person, I guess.

My sister's a little bitchy.

Oh, yeah.

For sure.

I don't remember.

I just, I tried not to really pay attention.

I just saw a lot of arguing.

God damn, dude.

She's like, really, really, really, yeah, you're really fucking bringing it.

Yeah, but she feels so bad.

You like Star Wars?

What's going on there?

Let me guess.

It was the last thing you and your fucking dad watched.

No, Star Wars rules, that's...

The best Sith, yeah.

Yeah, Kyle Ren could have been the best.

Yeah, they ruined it.

I like Ben.

Yeah, for sure.

Hell yeah, man.

Yeah.

What do you do for work?

I'm between jobs right now.

I got some life insurance from my father's death.

How much exactly did you get?

$70,000.

$70,000?

I can't believe it.

I promised I would never talk about that.

I don't know why I just nonchalantly said that.

No, you're fine in the silver line.

You got 70 G's.

And yeah, it's over halfway gone.

Question: Did your sister get the same amount?

No.

Wow.

Sister got cut out of the life insurance.

Mostly.

Wow.

Poor thing.

Wow.

I feel bad for her.

I mean, you just called her a bitch in front of five million people a minute ago, but now she's a poor thing that you feel bad about.

Yeah.

Okay.

It's like that.

All right.

Very fun.

And how much more of the 70,000 do you have left?

It's been 10 months.

You don't have a job.

What are we at now?

25,000.

25,000.

It's going fast.

It's going fast.

Uh-huh.

So what's your plan?

What type of job are you looking to get?

I was into welding for a minute, but that's kind of, you know, laborious and hard to

juggle comedy.

I burned myself really bad here.

And then I am looking into some kind of audio-video thing.

There we go.

I'm really good with that.

I'm filmmaking background and stuff.

All right.

Short films.

Well, there you go.

Daniel, well, welcome.

Congratulations.

You got up on the show.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much.

Daniel Shepard, everybody.

There he goes.

Appreciate it.

Oh, here's a...

Here's a little joke book, Daniel.

There you go.

Nice catch.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting word that the man that we all want to talk to is here.

I present to you for the first time in the show's history.

This is the AC guy.

Wow.

Wow.

Look at the crowd going absolutely wild.

This is incredible.

A monumental moment in the history of Kill Tony.

12 years and three months, yet we've never spoken to an AC guy live on the show before.

Sir, what is your name?

My name is Dean.

Dean?

Hell yeah.

Well, hold on, hold on.

Hold on.

The crowd is doing their own.

We'll see if he actually, did you fix it?

I feel it.

I did, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Dean.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

Dean, tell us about it.

What was the issue?

Yeah, so the issue was you guys tripped the smoke alarm with your smoke machines.

Oh!

It was the haze!

The new upgrade to the cameras, a little bit of haze.

A little bit, a little bit.

How do we avoid that in the future, Dean?

Truthfully, if you're using smoke machines, probably not.

Okay, we can't do it.

All right, let's reset the cameras.

Recalibrate the cameras to zero haze.

I'm your biggest fan.

Thank you, thank you.

No, I'm Hucho.

Hu Cho.

This is awesome.

So, Dean, how long have you been working in AC?

About eight years.

Eight years?

Wow, you're very good at what you do.

I noticed that it wasn't long that you were here.

You came here about five to ten minutes before the show started.

You were able to figure it out.

Eight years in the game.

What's your love life like, Dean?

I'm married.

No, I'm married.

Nice.

Hell yeah.

She must be a very lucky, cold woman.

It is pretty cold in my house.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Well, Dean, have you ever thought about trying stand-up comedy?

Do you like comedy?

I'm about to have a fucking heart attack.

I love it.

I love it.

Well, we were all about to have a heat stroke before you came around, so now we're even Stevens.

Dean, thank you so much.

Make some noise for Dean.

Dean, Dean, Dean.

Wow, what a special episode.

82.8 degrees for those of you wondering.

We're hoping that goes down at some point.

Dean, why don't you stick around until this thing starts to lower?

Yeah.

You might want to delete that first guy.

He'll be fine.

Shout out to Airco Air Conditioning coming in and doing their job.

I think that's a great plug for them.

Airco, here in Austin, Texas, the trusted

air conditioning associates of Kill Tony and the comedy mothership.

Wow.

We'll see.

Here's a plug.

It better work.

God, I hope Dean doesn't get fired.

No, he won't.

A free ad for Airco

HVAC.

You can get Airco yourself just by going to airco.com, I'm guessing.

I'm hoping here.

Yeah,

it's plumbing, heating, and AC.

That's the website.

Well,

any...

There we go.

Airco.

Yeah, go to aircochanical.com.

Get yourself some AC.

All right.

Just save Dean's job, everybody.

It's about a...

It's about a $30,000 ad read right there.

It's open 24 hours.

Call them 512-537-1234.

Based out of Round Rock, Texas.

40 years in the business.

Airco, air conditioning, electrical, and plumbing.

Five stars.

All right.

Hello there.

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere.

It's easy to get started.

You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider, typically within 48 hours.

Talkspace makes getting help convenient.

You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home, and you can even talk it out between sessions by sending text messages to your therapist, get get therapy and medication and all in one place unlike any other telehealth companies psychiatry is available through talkspace so you can get the medication you need to supplement your talk therapy if needed talkspace makes getting the help you need easy accessible and affordable plus most insured members have a zero dollar copay now let my man redband tell you why he loves talkspace my man tony thank you tony i think talkspace is amazing they're providing the best mental health treatment out there.

As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80.

That's S-P-A-C-E-80 to match with a licensed therapist today.

Go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80.

What comes to mind when you picture the perfect roommate?

One who comes when you call?

One who doesn't forget to lock the doors?

Maybe one who doesn't steal your milk, just a little bit at a time, hoping that you won't notice.

At apartments.com, they understand that when it comes to roommates, a pet can be your best best bet.

They're easygoing, they eat what you serve them, and they never clog the toilet.

And that's why apartments.com has the most pet-friendly rental listings on the internet.

And with instant alerts, you'll know the moment that your perfect pet-friendly place becomes available.

Apartments.com has so many features like 3D virtual tours, the ability to save your favorite apartments, and with over a million places to rent, you are absolutely going to find the right place for you.

Apartments.com knows that moving can be stressful, but by giving you options, filtered searches, and more, they can help take away some of that stress.

When I need a new apartment, I will definitely need a pet-friendly choice.

So, if you guys need a place that's pet-friendly and human-tolerant, check out apartments.com, the place to find your pet-friendly place.

Thanks, apartments.com for sponsoring the podcast.

Your next bucket pull is a one-word name, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul.

Paul.

Islamic terrorism.

I don't get it.

72 virgins?

I don't even get out of bed for less than 100 virgins.

Wow.

I thought this would be easier.

I was so nervous backstage.

This is my my first time.

I was so nervous backstage.

Even after I rubbed a couple out.

That's right.

I'm an assassin.

I usually don't bring this up, but my family and I hunt vampires.

No, you're not Venhelsines.

You're not knee-deep in vampires right now because of one family.

I apologize.

Hey, Tits, you want a small joke book?

Hey, T-Bone.

All right, Paul, everybody.

Very good, Paul.

So clearly a fan of the show.

You chose to sign up.

This is truly your first time.

What made you want to do it like this?

What made you want to pick tonight?

Actually,

I got injured last year

and I fuck.

and I had to have surgery and is off work.

I wrote a screenplay,

and I wrote a screenplay for William Montgomery.

So, okay, trying to, I thought if the set was good enough, well, if this was a taste, we need more.

Can I get the elevator pitch?

Yes, let's hear the movie.

The elevator, not the synopsis, the elevator pitch?

Elevator, please.

Okay,

Shaq Keel O'Neill and Charles Barkley

Fully.

The way you said Shaq Keel had me.

I mean, really can be.

I'm not thinking about saying Shaq.

I aborted

it.

They are

used to be partners.

They were

private investigators, but they had a falling out 15 years ago.

They hate each other.

And they find out their kids kept in touch and they're going to get married.

They have a fight.

They lose the ring, and then they got to chase these bikers all across the country to find the ring.

They don't want to have the wedding, but they don't want to let their kids down.

Have you considered having them play aliens and basketball?

So this is like wild hogs with NBA.

Yes.

Wild hogs.

Meets NBA.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But those are tough gets.

They're phenomenal together.

They're

yeah, there's no missing out.

So what was the job that you had before all of this?

I'm a construction worker at MIT.

And you got injured on a construction site?

No, I was helping someone move.

A total separate injury.

Is it a back injury?

No, I snapped my distal bicep tendon, so I had to get surgery.

What the fuck were you carrying?

I was in the wrong position.

It was a TV.

I was just in the wrong position.

A flat screen?

Yeah, they're like TV.

It was a plasma.

And if you know anything about a huge fucking plasma.

I got to brush up on Newtonian physics.

I didn't know how much the plasma weighed.

My bad.

Oh, my God.

It's insane.

So let's just take one second here to talk about the minute of comedy that you prepared.

Islamic terrorists, haha, 72 virgins.

I don't get out of bed for less than 100 virgins.

What the fuck are you talking about?

What do you mean by that?

Yeah, what don't you get about it?

It's a fucking classic.

It's a classic, dude.

Just out of curiosity, last question.

What is Williams character in this movie that features Charles Barkley and Shaq Keel O'Neill?

He is a homeless wanderer, but we find out he's a fugitive.

But Shaq and Chuck get

now.

Wow, you're so close with them.

No, no, he's fine with that.

They get mugged, and they have to enlist William to help them finish their mission.

There you go.

Very good.

Here's a little joke book.

There you go.

There goes Paul, everybody.

Good luck, Paul.

Paul, what's your last name?

What is it?

All right.

There goes Paul, everybody.

Want to have that one?

Whoa.

The lovely Heidi has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

A delicious Bud Light.

All right, your next bucket bull goes by the name of Michael Scott, everyone.

Michael Scott.

Ooh, we're down to 81.9 degrees

hey

I know what I look like I know what I sound like I hear it too guys

I feel I got the vibe of uh I just got cast as Donatello in Tyler Perry's new Ninja Turtles movie

Yeah, he's the tech guy.

I get it.

I'm a weird kid.

I was a weird kid.

I had a lot of animals.

I had a I started off with two rabbits.

I ended up with 14.

That being said, I've seen rabbits fuck a lot, guys.

It's pretty crazy.

It's like one rabbit minding his own business.

That was my white one.

Then my black one would come hopping along, mount it, furiously fuck it for about 10 seconds, and then everyone takes off running.

My question, guys, why does rabbit sex only last 10 seconds?

Is it evolution, or is rabbit pussy just as good as I think it is?

Hell yes, Michael Scott.

Wow.

Is this true?

You have that many rabbits?

No.

Well,

technically, I had guinea pigs, but rabbits fuck like crazy, so it's funnier.

You know what I mean?

Wow.

Guinea pigs appears to be the magical word combination of the day.

Really?

It's been used by two out of three bucket pools in an unprecedented anomaly.

So, Michael, how long you've been on stand-up?

Eight years.

Eight years?

Where at?

Fresno, California, Bakersfield, California.

Wow.

Is that where you still live?

No.

I'm out here.

Yeah, I've been here since December 30th of last year.

Nice.

Awesome.

What do you do for work?

I work valet at Hotel Ella, and I just got a new job two months ago at Benefast.

I deliver construction equipment to sites.

Awesome.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

It's cool.

Incredible, Michael Scott.

What do you do for fun?

I used to train MMA.

I play poker, watch movies, video games.

I got cats.

How many cats do you have?

Three.

Three cats.

What are their names?

Whiskey, waffles.

Those are my two girls.

And I got Tanuki.

He's the boy.

Yes, bro.

How's Cat Pussy?

Everything I dreamed of.

It's incredible.

How many guinea pigs did you have at the

14?

You had 14.

I started with two, and they just kept fucking.

It got to the point where I was selling them back to the pet store.

Wow.

Yeah.

Just a bunch of inbred, angry guinea pigs.

Yeah.

Incredible.

How old were you when you had these guinea pigs?

12.

Fish.

So you were living with your parents?

Hell yeah.

What were they saying about all the the guinea pigs?

Uh, they...

Kidney motherfucking guinea pig!

Well, you've been a kidney motherfucking guinea pig.

Alright.

Now, what did they say?

Oh, the police are on their way.

I saw an opportunity.

Everybody relax.

Guys, relax.

Jeez, motherfucking guinea pig.

Man, your fucking bedroom be stinking, Michael.

It did.

All right.

It did.

It did stink.

It did.

See, this is what they said, right?

Yeah, Michael.

Did they kind of sound like that, or did they speak perfect, perfect American English like you?

Oh, my mom?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she sounds like, she sounds like me, just not like

a guy.

Perfect.

Northern California black.

So you had, how many of those, how many of those guinea pigs were in your room at once?

So you did have, so you had 14 in your room.

Yeah.

And you were jacking off in there in front of 14 guinea pigs.

How many times did you jack jack off in front of 14 guinea pigs?

A lot.

For so many times.

Perform better in front of a crowd.

What can I say?

You could hear them.

You had to be able to hear him while you were jacking off.

Root, root, root.

Root, root, root.

You're like, whiskey, be quiet.

Michael Scott's trying to jack off around here.

My mom accidentally killed four of them once, though.

How did she do that?

She's not going to like that.

She's gonna be much matter at my impression of her than I

think you're right.

I was at school one day and I had one I had them in four three separate cages and she took one of the cages because she said it was a hot day so she wanted to give them some air so she took the cage and put it outside in the hotel.

She killed them on purpose.

You had two pages.

Yeah.

I think I had three too many.

Yeah.

One survived though.

You had a lot of guinea pigs.

Yeah.

If you were my son I would have yeah.

Yeah.

I would have put those bag or those guinea pigs in a bag and

you gotta smack them.

That's bad.

Stop watching my son jack off.

You fucking perverts.

That's why I got him.

Behold.

Behold, my son.

My children.

Did you bury the dead?

Yeah.

Where'd you bury them?

Backyard.

Nice.

Yeah.

What type of,

you know, did you put up like a monument to them?

A shoebox.

They weren't

shoes.

They were like pumas too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You didn't put anything above ground to commemorate?

No.

Not a round.

You didn't even give a fuck about them, hoes.

I didn't, I was a kid.

I didn't know tombstones were, you know.

Right.

Right.

Definitely.

The one that survived, did it have any special powers?

He was the first one.

He was the, he started the whole thing.

His name was Hammy.

Hammy.

Yeah.

Hampton J.

Guinea Pig was his name.

Wow.

Wow.

What did the J stand for?

Jenkins.

Jew.

Oh, Jew.

I love it, Michael.

He was Jewish, I don't think.

Were the other hamsters Jewish in this mass genocide?

I ran a guinea pig concentration camp.

They could not survive the mama cost.

Oh, man.

Wow.

mama cost

did she ever explain herself why she really she said it was hot i think on the inside

you know what honestly if there were 14 guinea pigs in this room when i got here tonight i would have sat four outside in a cage too thank goodness for dean from airco air conditioning company well

hold on let's see she's still hotter than hell in here we need to bring dean back and kill him

put him outside

michael i'd I'd love to have you back on the secret show, man.

Thank you.

Here's the big joke book, Michael.

Michael Scott.

Fantastic.

Say hello to the next generation of Zendesk AI agents.

Built to deliver resolutions for everyone.

Zendesk AI agents easily deploy in minutes, not months, to resolve 30% of customer and employee interactions on day one.

quickly turning monotonous tasks into autonomous solutions.

Loved by over 10,000 companies, Zendesk AI makes service teams more efficient, businesses run better, and your customers happier.

That's the Zendesk AI Effect.

Find out more at Zendesk.com.

Yee-hoo!

This podcast is sponsored by Tacobas.

Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots.

Find your perfect pair with Tacobas.

Ever wondered if you can pull off boots with your personal style?

You owe it to your feet to pull on a pair of Tacobas.

Find comfort in the traditions of the West and confidence from making it your own.

Tacovas now offers professional-grade work boots that will bring comfort and timeless style to the job site.

Red band.

Tony, I love my Takovas.

They're the most comfortable boots I've ever worn.

Steve, they're the most comfortable boots you've ever worn.

They're the most.

Wow.

Why?

Yeah.

I wear these, and you should too, Tony.

Plus, with Takovas' best in the West guarantee, you get free returns and exchanges for 30 days.

Right now, get 10% off at tacovas.com slash killtony.

When you sign up for email and texts, that's 10 off at t e c o v a s dot com slash kill tony tocovis.com slash killtony see site for details to covas point your toes west

We are moving along smoothly here.

Bucket pull number four.

This is is definitely a new name and I'm excited about it.

Make some noise for Yoshica Gonzalez.

Yoshika Gonzalez.

Oh shit.

Okay.

One more time for Yoshika, everybody.

Hi.

A little bit about

me or whatever.

I'm having a sale on my OnlyFans.

Yeah, so for 30 cents a day you can help a short bitch pay her rent.

No, I am a sex worker and I figured it's actually better than dating because I usually date white men and that's a fucking pyramid scheme.

So

they just they just do weird shit like

lie first of all

drink mountain dew

and prioritize themselves.

I don't

I'm just too Latina for that, you know?

No, you don't.

yeah I'm too Latina for that because I'm like sucking dick you know washing the dishes

and in return they make me keto fucking pancakes

Yoshika Gonzalez hell yes so many questions let's begin one of Mike Scott's guinea pigs survived

Made it all the way down here

excuse me no it's not about you no I gotta

I have a serious question.

When you do your sex work, you get picked up in front of the Home Depot.

Just kidding.

No, but when you do your sex work, you go to the Home Depot, don't you?

Whoa,

sounded like a bird.

Zero.

That's what you get, dude.

You come at the fucking...

You come at the queen.

You best not miss.

Yoshica Gonzalez.

Hell yeah, you are definitely a specific type.

Do you

do you do they is this a condition?

Is there a label for this?

You look chilly challenge?

No, you look like a tall midget.

Oh.

You look like a...

I'm, yeah, I don't know.

I'm a shorty.

They used to be short back in the day in the 60s, you know, I don't know what's going on now.

Okay.

Okay.

Yoshika, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

For a year now, it's my last resort into screenwriting.

Oh, you got to team up with Paul.

Yeah.

This is why.

The new Farley Brothers.

Yeah.

This is a special episode.

We have two...

Two screenwriting references and two guinea pig references.

And somehow they're all mashing together right here with Yoshika Gonzalez.

Yoshika is an interesting name.

What does that mean?

How do you end up with a Japanese name?

It's, I was named after a Japanese film camera, Yashuka.

I don't know.

You don't know.

I don't know.

My dad used to say different shit like

a hooker one time.

Hey, gold a shot.

Cashier, a book, and then

he told the truth, I guess.

38 cents, you said?

30.

30 cents 30 cents a day

is that real 30 cents is that legal

mathematically yeah I think so

okay what do you do on this only fans exactly um

I

I

haunt people's laptops.

I don't know.

I twerk.

I do

like anime costumes and fucking

degrade guys.

Dick rate, pick rate.

You've crossed the line.

That's too much.

Don't do it.

Don't you dig.

There's a lot.

There's a lot.

There's a lot.

How long have you been on OnlyFans?

Since the pandemic, when the strip clubs closed temporarily.

So you were a stripper up to the pandemic.

What was your stripper name?

Easy question.

Impossible to forget.

There's been a bunch, you know.

Jenna was a good one.

A lot of people in Austin,

back in the day.

Jenna.

Okay.

Anything crazy ever happened at the strip club?

Any wild stories?

No.

Okay.

Same old, same old.

You close with your parents?

Not right now, not at the moment.

Why do you think you're not close with your parents?

I didn't think this was a therapy session.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude.

Hey, you're the one with your backstory, lady.

I'm just following up here.

Do you think your dad subscribes to your OnlyFans?

I mean, 30 cents a day.

Why wouldn't you check in on your little Dardar?

You know what I mean?

Okey-doky.

It's a real live show, everybody.

I don't think so.

No.

He said he never loved me, never will, never did.

Perfect.

I think we're good, though.

Was this a long time ago, or like kind of recent?

Was this a pandemic?

Like two years ago.

Two years during the pandemic.

Everyone lost their mind during the pandemic.

It's not a big deal.

Well, that's almost

about all that.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

That's all right.

It's okay, I guess.

We're here now.

Yeah.

Somewhere.

For what it's worth, I think you're worth more than 30 cents a day.

Okay.

Yeah.

Definitely.

How much are you making a month on OnlyFans?

Oh, gosh.

$4.12.

Yeah.

You're killing it and you're making

$20.

A thousand bucks.

Oh, that's awesome.

Okay.

How do you get everything else?

How do you pay your bills if you're only making your rent spot on from the monthly OnlyFans?

What else are you doing to make money on this side?

Okay, Red Band, that is out of control.

That is rude.

That is out of line, Red Band.

I really don't do oral, but

sick.

Wow.

Yeah.

Subscribers went off the charts with that one.

That explains why the white guys you've been with just lie and drink Mountain Dew all the time.

If you want some honest answers, you gotta fucking.

No, I sell vintage.

I sell vintage with me.

Oh, cool.

The markets outside in the heat.

I do actual work.

I do AV work too, but, you know, they hire the guys

and vagina.

Is that one of the vintage shirts you're wearing?

No, this one.

I was going to say that's a cool shirt.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Is it vintage underwear, like your used ones or something that you sell?

Red band.

Red Band.

That's

good.

I'm trying to run a program.

Red Band.

For 30 cents a day.

Let's go.

Let's get back to the side.

That's a penny you can get around.

30 cents?

I mean, it's $7 a month divided by 30.

I don't know.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I see.

A day.

Yes.

That's how they get you.

That's how they get you.

That is how they get you.

Because I was already, I subscribed under the table.

Said 30 cents.

This is come on.

Adds up quick.

What's a deal?

I'd be losing money not doing it.

I don't get out of bed for 100 cents.

We were talking here.

But you're doing great.

You're going to be making a lot more money after this, I'm sure.

There are a lot of people watching online right now.

Any other last pitches for your OnlyFans that you would like to give to the people out there?

There's many, many men.

Who are you trying to

help her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's just barely making her rent.

Yeah, I mean, I have a wish list, but I just have like a printer on there.

No one will buy it.

I'll get you a fucking printer.

Shane's going to buy her a printer.

I promise.

Yoshika, here's the little joke book.

Okay, I'm going to go.

Ready for it?

Boom, you got it.

Wow.

She caught it.

You're going that way.

Pleasure to meet you.

There she goes.

Yoshika, everybody.

There's Heidi.

Yum, yum, yum.

Time for another golden ticket winner, everybody.

This young lady won hers maybe a little less than a year ago.

She's fantastic.

Works here.

Works on Kiltoni.

Makes some noise.

A brand new minute from Aya, everybody.

It's Aya, everyone.

Some people don't trust Muslims.

I get it.

Whatever.

Me personally, I don't trust Jehovah's Witnesses.

I feel like some Jehovah's Witnesses are just registered sex offenders who got really, really,

really nervous at the last second.

Like they were supposed to go out in the neighborhood and tell everyone what they did, which is, it's tough.

You know, I molested a child.

That's, so, you know, they go knock, knock, who's there?

Have you heard of the child

that was touched

by

God?

Jesus Christ.

He's like, why is your parole officer here?

It's like, don't worry about that.

I don't know.

I feel like we treat registered sex offenders so interesting in this country, like we make them live so far from elementary schools, but

distance only makes the heart grow fonder.

Boom.

Aya.

Fantastic.

Great pedophile joke.

Okay, thanks.

What's up?

Hey, guys.

How you doing?

How's it been going, Aya?

It's good.

It's kind of warm in here.

Yeah.

I put on a jacket, so when I take it off, I feel cooler.

Oh,

look at that.

A little reverse psychology on pure heat.

Yeah.

Okay.

How are you guys?

That's good.

I gotta be honest,

this is good.

Yeah.

Everything going good?

Yeah, everything's good.

Yesterday, I talked.

Huh?

No, no, no.

So, yeah, every single person that's come up here is

my dad died.

My dad hates me.

Things are bad.

Yeah.

No, you guys didn't even hear what happened with my dad.

Oh, what happened?

Is he good?

Die and give you that fucking jacket.

Where is he?

No.

Yesterday,

I taught him that you have to boil pasta in water.

What was he doing before?

He didn't know about that.

How is he cooking pasta?

Because you're dead.

He doesn't cook.

He just learned.

I just taught him yesterday.

Wow, okay, so he's alive.

That's fine.

Yeah, he's alive.

Sounds like he's thriving.

Sounds like he's still learning.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Learns something new every day.

So that's good.

Where's he at?

Where are you from?

I'm from Dallas.

But my family's from Africa.

What?

Yeah, I'm Moroccan.

Nice.

Yeah.

Nice.

Hell yeah.

What was your dad doing with those noodles?

Eating.

Eating the noodles.

Just wanted raw hard noodles?

Well, no, I boiled them for him, and yesterday he came and he was like, oh, so that's how you do it.

He said he's always seen people make pasta, but he never paid attention.

He's just been sitting on the floor Indian salad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Incredible.

That's good.

All right.

Amazing, Aya.

What else is going on?

Anything else crazy?

I recently, I had a weird dream the other day.

I had a dream that there was this girl and she was really young.

She was like 17, 16, and she was like in a trap house And I didn't know what to tell her to get out of the trap house.

So I just told her, girls like you end up fat in their 20s, and she left.

I got her at the trap house.

Wow.

Hey, give it up for her in her dream.

Yep.

What the fuck are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

It's just my life.

Yep.

No doubt about it.

It's just the truth.

Well, great new minute, Aya.

Favorite pedophile joke of the day, without a doubt, so far.

One more time for Aya, everybody.

Back to the bucket we go.

Three ladies in a row.

Make some noise for your next comedian.

It's Jenny Rodriguez, everyone.

Jenny Rodriguez.

I just watched this documentary on Netflix recently.

It was about a woman who went to jail after she had sex with a man who the courts had deemed mentally incapacitated.

This was a man who was intellectually disabled.

And that just goes to show that there's hope for all of you guys here tonight.

Able-bodied women are having sex with retards.

I know I am.

I love him.

He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my PIC.

You guys heard that?

Partner in crime, PIC?

But I'm Mexican.

So that would make me his SPIC.

SPIC, it's Texas.

Do you want me to spell that out for you guys?

We actually just saw the Fantastic Four movie.

I gave a hand job during it.

I guess you could call it a Fantastic Five.

Boo, boo, boo.

That's been my time.

I've been Jenny rodriguez jenny rodriguez welcome to the show jenny have you been on before i have a couple times what did we find out the other times you were on about you um i hate to throw this out here but i work in a tire shop

whoa

hell yeah

amazing

uh i'm engaged

um

that's pretty much it from the last two times yeah what does your man do what's his name he

He works at Jared Jewelers.

He's a jeweler.

Oh, wow.

Oh, we did pro wrestling.

That was another thing that we did.

Right now, we just finished clown school, actually.

Okay.

So that's another.

That's pretty good choice.

Yeah.

You learned stuff at clown school?

Did I learn this stuff at clown school?

No, did you learn a lot of stuff?

Oh, I really did, actually.

I learned how to do like balloon animals.

Do you have any balloons on you?

I wish I did.

I literally thought about bringing my skirt, but...

Is there anything you could do in the clown world right now if John played some clown music and we gave you a spotlight?

One, two, three, four.

Oh, shit.

Uh-oh.

Nothing, okay.

I need props.

I need

some I do a lot of like gimmick shit.

I do like some magic tricks, but I'm not like really good.

You know, it's all very sleight of hand stuff.

What if somebody has a condom?

Can you do something with a condom?

Red band, thank you so much.

You're

a great.

No, yeah, great.

Thank you, Red Band.

Nobody here has a fucking condom dude on the 80s.

Jenny.

Rodriguez.

So, how's stand-up been going for you?

Stand-up has been going pretty well.

The last few months I've been focusing on clown school, ironically.

But I've been, you know, hitting mice, going to shows, just trying to do what I can around here.

It is a little more difficult, I think, finding a good click around here compared to where I was last before I moved here.

I came from the South Bend area.

Oh, go Irish.

Are you a fan of the Notre Dame fighting Irish?

Definitely not, bro.

Yeah.

Notre Dame or like Notre Lame.

Yeah.

Insane Clown Bossy sucks dicks.

I know.

Football rules.

I love sports.

There you go.

Well, Jenny, congratulations.

You got picked for another minute.

You've been on the show multiple times.

There she goes.

Jenny Rodriguez, everybody.

We're gonna keep flying through it.

Here we go.

On to the next one.

It's cooling down.

We're at 80.4 degrees.

We are around the corner from the 70s, everybody.

This next bucket bulls from the inside makes a noise for Chuli Joy.

Chuli Joy from the inside.

Is that real?

Oh wow, the furthest possible fucking seat in the entire venue.

Literally can't make it up, everyone.

How perfect.

It's great.

Awesome.

You would think we would coordinate this better, that someone signs up and they don't sit in the seat that's 97 seconds away from the front.

Tire season two out now on Netflix, everybody.

The Madison Square Garden coming up this week.

The 15th, we do stand-up, the 16th, we do Kiltoni.

Hello there.

This podcast is sponsored by Open Phone.

If you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table.

When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected 24-7.

That's why you need OpenPhone.

OpenPhone is the number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your customer communications.

It works through an app on your phone or computer, so no more carrying two phones or using a landline.

With Open Phone, your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts like a shared inbox.

That way, any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off, keeping response times faster than ever.

Tony, I love Open Phone.

It's the best business phone system hands down.

Say goodbye to voicemail.

Their AI agent can set up in minutes to handle calls after hours, answer questions, and capture leads.

So you never missed a customer.

So whether you're a one-person operation drowning in calls and texts, or have a large team that needs better collaboration tools.

Open Phone is a no-brainer.

I love a no-brainer.

That's why I've been working with you for so long.

Open Phone is offering our listeners 20% off your first six months at openphone.com/slash killtony.

That's O-P-E-N-P-H-O-N-E dot com slash kill Tony.

And if you have existing numbers with another service, OpenPhone will port them over at no extra charge.

Open phone, no missed calls, no missed customers.

Honey, bunches of votes,

Where the fuck is this fucking inside bucket pool?

Thanks for Chuli Joy, everyone.

So, I have pretty bad luck on dating apps.

Like, I literally don't get any matches.

And I got this buddy who's just bragging about all the matches he has.

So one day I was like, let's see him.

He's on Grindr.

And he's got tons of matches.

That's kind of like a weird flex.

But then it dawned on me.

If I was gay, a lot of my problems would disappear.

Like I wouldn't be as lonely.

I would have better fashion sense and I'd be in great shape because you have to be strong to fuck a dude.

Right?

It's like fucking a bear.

And then even jacking off in the mirror would be better.

Like, come on, guys.

Dial in, all right?

You're jacking off in the mirror, and there's a hot dude jacking off to you in the mirror.

Right?

You start going faster.

He starts going faster.

Right?

And then you jack off and you bust a nut and then this this dude who's been jacking off to you for 25 minutes busts a nut to you busting a nut Pretty fucking awesome if you're gay, right?

Thank you

Julie Joy welcome back.

I like that you say jacking off would be in the mirror would be better if you're better as if you do jack off in the mirror

Have you ever fuck no look at me?

I don't want to see this shit

Do you jack off in the mirror?

No, I don't but I thought 25 minutes 25 minutes is crazy.

That is crazy.

You're going to milk it, dude.

Like,

I'm not trying to bust a nut and not be worth it, dude.

Jack it off with the mirror for 25 minutes.

Bro, don't knock it until you try it.

Well, I will.

25 minutes is what stands out about that material.

Do you really extend your jack-off experience for that long?

Yeah, when I do jack-off, I definitely milk it, but I try not to.

When you say milk it, are you implying?

Guys,

all right whatever I'm fucking weird okay

so you've you you last 25 minutes with yourself

when I do it yeah I try when you're about to come what do you picture

what do you mean dude well like

you're saying that you're edging right so like how do you stop yourself something that turns you on uh-huh and then you like get ready and then you just ride that wave until you are ready to bust a nut and then you plan on killing bart simpson yeah

and you spend the rest of the night watching out for rakes on the ground

or party rock whatever either one either one

what do you tend to watch when you're jerking off truly joy um honestly i have a pretty vast spank bank so like i just what are some of the wilder categories yeah what are some of the weirder things that you're into?

I'm into I like like dom sub stuff.

You know DS

you got you know about that who's the I've heard of it.

Who's the dom

Are you a dom or a sub?

I'm a dom.

Whoa.

Oh dude, I'm already subbing out to you right now.

This is crazy.

Yeah, we're all sitting down and you domino stuff.

You can't dom us like this while we're sitting down.

Bro, sorry.

Tony, give him a big notebook right now.

Get rid of this dom daddies.

Yeah.

What's the craziest thing you've ever done dom-wise in real life?

Dom-wise.

Picturing you in like a pig mask with your hair hanging out and everybody being like, well, we know who that is.

I was living in LA and I was like going to these parties and it was pretty crazy.

They were like, they're like, we're going to film this.

And I was like, I was like, I don't want to be filmed, right?

And they were like, put on a mask.

No one's going to know who you are.

And I'm like, yeah, no one's going to know the tall ass dude with fucking afro and blue eyes.

But I just had them film behind me but I just had like this girl and they were like had all these toys I like you I like using my own parts and my hands and stuff but uh yeah they had like all these crazy toys so we did that stuff and I was just like I would find myself like an open-minded person you know you work with your hands yeah I'm a work yeah exactly yeah no that's toy bullshit your hands man

How are you dominant though?

Like, where was the domino?

You got your cheeks?

It's like shouting kind of shub.

I'm not telling you.

You tell them what to do.

You're in charge, you

There's some dudes that

want the girls to take control and shit.

I want to be in control.

For sure.

I'm in control.

Oh, shit.

Don't watch my boy like that, dude, ever again.

How dare you dom my friend?

You watch out, Shane.

I'll dump you.

Come up here.

Don't dom me.

I'm coming over there.

I can't believe you're not doing good on dating apps.

Yo.

You're a handsome fella, you know.

You talk about it, man.

God damn.

What do you do for work?

I work in AV, freelance.

Wow.

Mostly, yeah, I know I heard everyone saying that.

Yeah.

I've done some catering jobs since I moved here.

Okay.

Yeah.

They make you wear a hair net?

They make me pull my hair back in a ponytail.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah, it looks different.

It's fucked up.

It disappears.

I don't intense eye contact.

Yeah.

How about for fun?

What do you do for fun?

I like going to White Horse.

I've been practicing two-step, like learning.

I like Barton Springs.

I go there almost every day.

Nice.

You find anybody dom out there?

Yeah.

A little bit.

A little bit.

Yeah.

Dude, the girls out there are freaky.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa.

And what's your love life like?

I don't have a girlfriend here, but I have like a lover on the East Coast.

You have a lover on the East Coast.

She's my sub.

Jesus.

What'd she do?

Text.

Bro, like, you get some, bro.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yo.

Oh, sorry.

Yo, what are you doing?

What the fuck, dude?

You're so fucking horny and ain't He's like, what's his name?

I'm like, bro, come on now.

He said, what's his name?

Hilarious.

I mean, what's his name?

What's his name?

He's a classic.

Yo.

I have a lover on these.

What's your self doing right now?

She's probably sleeping, honestly.

You should wake her up.

Wake up.

Yeah.

Pull her?

A real dom would wake her up.

Yeah.

Damn, bro.

I'm going to call her after this.

No, we're not going to.

We're going to keep it moving along.

Truly Joy.

There he goes.

Thank you, guys.

There goes Truli Joy, everybody.

Hell yeah,

there he goes, everyone.

All right, fist bumps for the dom Chuli Joy.

I thought he was pretty funny up there.

All right, this looks like a fun name and a new name.

Let's see what happens here.

Make some noise for Mighty Mike, everyone.

Mighty Mike.

Okay, all right.

Man, that last comic looked like Khalido from WWE, didn't he?

What it's like to be cool.

Nah, man.

Man, I'm about to quit comedy, man.

This shit don't make no money in this motherfucker, man.

I'm broke.

Man, I'm so broke, man.

I can't even be racist with my laundry.

That's how broke I am.

I feel like that's the last white racist activity.

White and blacks, set apart, buddy.

I put the whites first.

I'm black.

I put the blacks first, nigga.

That's what the fuck.

Yeah, man.

I'm out here mixing leftovers and shit.

I made Jamaican food the other day.

Rice and pasta.

Call it roster, nigga.

Bumble clock.

Nah, man.

Oh, man.

Treads.

Yeah, okay.

That's the meal right there.

All right.

That's a cat, man.

That's pussy.

Okay, all right.

Mighty Mike.

Slightly having a

mental breakdown towards the end of his set there.

You got me.

Mighty Mike, welcome back.

You've been on this show before.

Yeah, Mike.

Iyo baby.

I'm Nigerian.

Talk into the microphone there.

We have mics here in America.

Woo!

With the shots.

So what were you saying?

Go ahead, say it.

No, I said I'm Mike Ayo Baby.

Yeah, I put Mighty Mike.

That's my stage name, Mighty Mike.

I put that on there today.

I was on here last time, right?

No, I don't, I don't know.

Shane, man, man, respect, bro.

I respect you, bro.

Never mind.

I thought I was.

No, you wasn't.

You wasn't.

Oh, all right.

Well, fuck.

Maybe I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Maybe I am actually racist.

You got up here.

I was like, oh, I remember him.

Shane, get this guy as a job.

I was like, he's very good.

We know.

Mike, relax, relax.

So tell us what's been going on, Mike.

You said you're broke.

What what do you do for work oh I just got a new job at a FedEx the last time I was at Amazon okay

you're just still delivering packages still delivering packages yes the packages don't talk

what do you mean by that exactly I used to be in an office I used to work in an office and

offices people talk a lot uh-huh but when you now you're driving the truck yep and you're dropping off the packages

How long you been doing that for?

As far as dropping packages off, again, I started with Amazon.

I was like...

Got the Amazon thing.

We're talking about FedEx.

How long is it?

FedEx is like two weeks.

So two weeks ago.

Oh, a week, a week, a week, a week.

A week.

So how do you do that?

Do you have any specific style?

Has anything crazy happened yet?

No, no.

I'm still training right now.

A nigga's still training.

Okay.

Yeah, it still got me training.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

What have you learned so far?

Man, you got to put the packages where the white people want them, because

they'll type up that review, man.

Next thing you know.

You gotta keep them right where the black people can still get them.

Man, you gotta come to me.

I help my niggas out.

I was in the hood today.

I was in the hood today.

You know, I help my niggas out.

You know.

Hey, come quick, Brian.

Get your shit.

Oh, Okie dokey.

Mighty Mike, how about for fun?

What are some hobbies of yours?

What do you do for fun when you're not doing doing stand-up?

Man, when I'm done doing stand-up,

man, think about how black people could be better.

That's what I think about.

Same.

What have you come up with exactly?

We've been wondering the same thing.

Go right ahead.

You know, I was chilling in my balcony the other day, man, blowing the trees.

And

I was like, man, the head-not thing that black people do, man, we need to get rid of that.

No, it's nice.

I mean, fuck, we got to say, speak words, man.

hi hi hello well if you do it like that that's gonna be a problem

i was walking by and the black guy was like hi

yeah yeah like that no you know you gotta smile you know

what's up

exactly

i am head thin traumatized man i am head thing traumatized oh yeah you're for you and are you're from nigeria i was born and raised in nigeria yes now you came here and you're telling the black americans they're not doing it right

What?

Tell them to pull their pants up.

I get it.

You know, I mean, yeah, what else is on this list?

What else is on your list of how they can do better?

Number two on the list.

Number two?

Man, pay bills.

Wow.

Niggas could pay bills, bro.

For real.

For real

like when i had a lot of money i used to pay my bills i was like white man just paying my bills on time okay i'm a little i i don't got it like that no more right now so i'm dodging too i'm being black right

juking the bill collectors

sunrise debt who is that they call me at six in the morning every time sunrise

i gotta tell you this isn't a racial problem this is yeah this is a me problem huh no no well it yeah whoever the individual is yeah okay we've all been there yeah I've dodged it.

I've dodged a deck.

What do you owe money for?

What are some of your debts?

I know right now I owe

charter, charter communications right now, man.

I owe him about $300.

Who the fuck is that?

Yeah, what's that?

Charter Communications.

Yeah, Spectrum.

Spectrum.

My bad.

Spectrum.

Spectrum.

Okay.

Wait, you have cable?

Or is that internet?

No, internet, man.

Damn.

Come on.

Don't you know, Matt?

Internet, man.

Cable.

Whoa, that's expensive.

Okay.

Do you have kids?

No, no kids yet, man.

How old are you?

I just turned 35.

So how do you think you've avoided having kids?

35?

Man, my pull-out game real good, man.

I ain't gonna lie, bro.

Explain to us.

What's your method?

Bro, I feel the pea.

Like, when you're about to bust a nut, you get a P feeling.

That's the sign that God gives you first.

Like, hey,

hey, man, it ain't piss.

It's the other one.

Just take it out.

And you bust.

And I listen to that voice.

And I nut right on her.

And that's that's how I'm able to dodge that shit.

Wow.

Man.

I don't know how niggas miss that P feeling, man.

Child support, not me.

Do you see like a big figure of your father in the sky and James?

Racist?

I'm just playing.

I'm playing.

I'm playing.

No, my dad's still around, man.

He's still

around.

Is he in Nigeria?

No, no, no.

He's here.

Where is he exactly?

He's in Minnesota.

Okay.

And what's he doing up in Minnesota?

What does a Nigerian do in Minnesota exactly?

Fights man.

He fights American.

Yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

He take water.

For real?

He fights?

Yeah, he fights Somalis at the Mall of America.

Yeah, for real.

They be fighting with my dad, man.

They don't know my dad an OG, man.

He speaks Italian too, so he could talk to the mob.

No way.

Yes.

Wow.

And it's true that Nigerians and Somalians don't get along.

I mean, I fuck with them, but, you know, when they start picking that halo halal, Suksuk,

I'm out of there.

Whoa, bro.

Whoa, Suksuk, what what that means.

What's your least favorite thing about the Somalians?

The what?

Nothing.

Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator, Mighty Mike.

You have a refrigerator, right?

You have your own fridge.

Yeah, I got a fridge.

What's the craziest thing we would find if we opened up your refrigerator right now?

Some spinach and broccoli, nigga, because a nigga eat healthy.

No fried chicken.

Wow.

Incredible.

Does that bring you to any other points?

Do you get any special powers when you eat the spinach or broccoli?

You know, man,

I do do in the morning.

Okay.

The dookie come right on time in the morning.

Okey-dokey.

All right, red damn.

All right.

Fun stuff.

There goes the mighty Mike.

You already have a big joke, Bob.

I already got one.

There he goes.

On to the next one.

Yes, sir.

Appreciate you.

Thank you, Kyoto.

There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meets on the National Mall.

Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

There's only one DC.

Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Marys, Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.

Make your next cocktail of Tito's, distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas, 40% alcohol by volume, savor responsibly.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has happened.

79.9 degrees, everybody.

We've hit it.

We are officially in the 70s.

In this, the hottest episode of Kill Tony ever.

Shane's got a P.

Shane's going pee.

Which means I'm just going to bring up your next comedian.

Make some noise for Shea Phillips, everybody.

Shea Phillips.

Oh, shit.

So I know what y'all thinking right now.

What the fuck is this fake-ass Kimbo Slice doing up here trying to make me laugh and shit?

Supposed to be in the cage beating the shit out of people.

What the fuck?

Recently, I've been trying to get back into dating, and I've been kind of struggling.

I realize I struggle because I take words a little too literally.

Like, I don't like when women call me daddy.

Because something deep inside me, something deep in my DNA just makes me want to leave them.

I don't know.

It's like every time she says, ooh, daddy, I'm like, you know what?

We are out of milk.

I'll be right back.

She's like, you're lactose intolerant.

I'm like, shit, man, would you look at that?

I'll get some new ports.

I'll be right back.

You don't smoke.

I'm like, listen, bitch, you're going to be here on draft day, all right?

You're going to the NFL, you know.

A lot of people give me stupid-ass questions sometimes.

They ask me, like, Shaylo in, what's your favorite workout?

Like shoulder press, chest press, bench press?

I'm like, bitch, I am depressed.

The fuck?

Why do

think I work out so much?

Fuck yeah, Shea Phillips.

Welcome to the show, Shay.

This is your first time on?

Yes, sir.

Welcome, welcome.

How long you been doing stand-up?

About three, four years now.

Three or four years.

Where at?

Houston, Texas.

Okay, that was what I was going to guess.

Hell yeah.

What do you do for work in Houston?

I'm a machinist.

Whoa.

Okay, what kind of machinery are we talking about?

My biceps.

Wow.

Incredible.

But seriously, what kind of machines do you work with?

CNC?

I don't know.

I just press buttons and shit, dog.

Okay.

Awesome.

Sounds professional.

As fuck.

Hell yeah.

And

you don't have kids?

No.

Not that I know of.

You have a girlfriend?

Nah.

You're just single?

Running machines.

What do you do for fun?

I like to lift weights.

I like to choke people.

I do jiu-jitsu and shit.

You do jiu-jitsu.

Yeah, man.

Wow.

Okay.

Like you eat a lot of food.

Yeah.

What do you like to eat?

Barbecue.

Barbecue what?

Shit, fan.

Very good.

You just won the game, everybody.

You got out of me, motherfucker.

Hell yeah.

Shay, how often do you come to Austin, Texas to sign up for the show?

First time.

First time.

Yes, sir.

Look at you.

You got lucky.

Incredible.

Is that one with the dogs?

I'm sorry.

That is.

You remember Le Maire?

Yeah.

LeMaire, you look fucking good, bro.

You're at a Le Maire.

This is a La Scare.

Hey, i'm just saying this is the last thing you want

some hdh some trt

hell yeah

okay shay uh craziest thing that's happened to you at the gym anything ever stand out to you any white women ever accuse you of staring at them or something like that no but i did have an old white lady try to kidnap me one time oh tell us all about it well i'm at the gym and shit and she goes oh well i just need help getting out to my car getting blah blah blah blah blah and i'm like uh lady i don't work here

but instead she starts dragging me outside and shit and she's like i can't carry this by myself.

Get inside the car, motherfucker.

I'm like, hold up, bitch.

You think she was trying to have

sex with you?

I think she only picked a bunch of heavy shit for it.

I'm like, nah, dog, you know.

Yeah.

Give her a Juneteenth, bitch.

Yeah.

Emancipation proclamation.

I'm free.

Absolutely.

What did she want you to pick up for herself?

Yeah, she was a fat bitch.

What do you expect?

Oh, was she fat?

Yeah.

Ah, yeah.

Shucks.

That could be good.

She tried to get me.

That could have been great.

How old?

Old enough?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Old enough that you would be like, hey, old enough for a 401k?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why'd you hesitate?

I'm stupid.

I want to teach doing comedy.

You probably do the right thing, actually.

Yeah, I don't know.

I could have had a better life, man.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Shay, what's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting about you?

You ever save anyone's life, accomplish anything, any big

See, the craziest thing I ever did in my life, dude.

When I was in the military, there was a kid that was trying to walk home.

But it turns out that this island, like, it floods like crazy and shit.

So as the kid's walking, like, his face is like

sticking his face out the water and stuff.

So I basically had to carry the motherfucker home.

At least he didn't drown.

Where was this at?

The Marshall Islands.

Wow.

Yeah.

And what exactly, what branch of the military were you in?

I was in the Navy.

And what did you do exactly in the Navy?

I was in the construction forces.

I was a mechanic.

Okay.

Yeah, dude.

Wow.

Look at you helping someone else not drown.

Absolutely amazing.

I had to pass the swim test, dog.

Yep.

Look at that.

Okay, Shay.

Three or four years in Houston.

Your first time on.

Very fun.

And here is.

Oh, we don't have any mediums.

I guess you're getting a big one.

There you go.

Shea Phillips.

Boom.

Shea

Phillips.

Yeah, bro.

Oh, shit, I did that one quick, huh?

Oops.

Hey, look, it's the lovely Heidi.

This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN.

We went close there.

Yeah.

How many people like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Wow.

Are you sure?

they do almost everyone's doing bad yeah

they like it this

it is hot it is hot yeah no doubt about it for those of you watching on the internet congratulations this is the episode to be in the air conditioning

if it was cold we'd be fucking killing yeah

it would be a whole different episode

But you know, it happens sometimes.

Every once in a great, great while.

Okay.

Awesome.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian.

You guys having fun out there still?

Do we care about how hot it is in the room?

Make some noise for Nate Ortiz, everyone.

Nate Ortiz.

I've been on all the apps lately.

I've been on Tinder, Bumble, DoorDash.

Just looking for love and McNuggets at this point, you know.

I'll entertain a Salvadorian man if he's giving me Subway, you know?

Just want to watch SmackDown, dude?

I even paid 20 bucks for that Tinder premium to find out the two women I match with look just like me.

Same facial hair and everything.

It got to the point I had to ask my buddies for advice.

I'm like, hey man, how do I get better matches?

How do I beat this algorithm?

They're like, dad, you should start losing some weight, bro.

You start to look like a Puerto Rican mom from the back.

So I said, we paid, dude.

So I updated my Tinder profile.

I said, from the front, I look like if Hagrid started a Twitch channel.

But from the back, dude, it looks like I'm washing dishes while salsa dancing.

Thank you Nate Ortiz

This is your first time on the show, right?

Yes, yes, yeah, for a very first time awesome.

How long you been on stand-up?

Uh, five years in Houston.

Wow, you're from Houston, too, huh?

Did you know Shay?

I'm sorry?

Did you know Shea?

I know Shay.

We're actually the same weight.

Wow.

His personal trainer.

All right, fuck you guys, guys, dude.

It's real.

Nate, what do you do for work?

I actually just got laid off Saturday.

I was working.

This country's in shambles.

Yeah.

I've noticed that.

They found out that I actually wasn't white and I was fully Puerto Rican, and they let me go.

Where was this job?

I was selling Samsung phones.

Not at like a...

That's a mostly Puerto Rican job.

Our clientele is very Middle Eastern, very Nigerian.

A lot of haggling.

I'm not good with it.

Hagglin Nigerians.

I don't even know how to spell the word, so I just gave them a good deal.

You do have the ass of a phone store manager.

I'm surprised I let you go.

I did work at T-Mobile.

That's actually the most Hispanic thing about me.

It's crazy.

So why exactly did they let you go?

Oh, I was very late three times.

Why?

Why were you late?

I did Coke till 7 a.m.

Ah, there it is.

That's why you're shaped like that.

The mixture of bad food and cocaine.

As you shaped like that.

I say good decisions, but okay.

Uh-huh.

What's the most fun that you've ever had on cocaine until 7 a.m.?

My cocaine song is actually You Can Call Me Al

by Paul Simon.

I like listening to it in tidy whiteies, but

that's awesome.

Yeah, you do cocaine by yourself?

Oh, it's the best.

I don't have to share with nobody.

Yeah.

I've been there, brother.

I just lost my job, Tony.

I can't.

You get home, you go, oh, I still have some left from the party.

Now it's time to keep going.

Then you jack off in the mirror.

That's a good time.

Until like 9 a.m., dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's too much.

It's a real negative experience.

Yeah.

But for a while, it's awesome.

When you're in your underwear dancing to fucking Paul Simon,

it's pretty great.

That's a good time to be.

Whatever.

You had a great special on YouTube.

Thank you, man.

It's incredible how much you look like an unhealthy version of one of my friends.

Philip, can you come down here?

I want to do a side-by-side of you and my friend Philip.

Where's Philip at?

Tony, the cocaine, I actually lost like 60 pounds, dude.

So this is the healthiest I've been in years.

We're gonna do it.

Well,

incredible.

Are you still doing a lot of cocaine?

Oh, yeah, I was doing it a lot earlier, later, or earlier.

Hell yeah.

You need a bump?

No, no, I'm good.

Permanently good.

Do you have a bump?

Nope.

All right.

I don't do it.

How do you afford it if you're out of a job?

I'm not even really a comedian.

I do the shows for the pay and the free drink tickets, so that's really it.

You got into fucking comedy for the pay?

No, I got in for the free drinks, dude.

Yeah.

Well, you said pay all, but whatever.

Even for free drinks, it doesn't make sense.

Here's a healthy version of yourself.

Stand side by side with me.

Side by side, side by side.

Keep going up, Philip.

Keep going up.

Keep going up.

Keep going up.

No, stand side by side.

Square up to a camera.

Look at a camera together.

Look at the one on the right over there.

Look at at that guy.

Yeah.

See the faces?

That's what you could look like if you just stayed sushi and didn't do cocaine.

And Phil, you've been losing a little weight.

I have.

Yeah, because when you were jumping, you really did look like that guy.

I lost 30 pounds, not like 130.

Yeah.

So you're saying you should do meth.

That's the thing.

That's actually more expensive.

I tried.

So, incredible.

Philip, do you have any advice for him on exactly how to get his life together?

Well, I lost like 30 pounds.

Not, you'd need to lose a little bit more than that.

Eat healthy.

Drink a lot of water.

Did you ever hear that?

Do less Coke?

I don't know.

Or more.

More food.

I know, Tony, I know you saw me hesitate.

Yeah.

Because when you said Philip, I was like...

Yeah.

Is there another Philip up here?

No, you're not.

I don't look anything like this dude.

Yeah, you look exactly like him.

You have the exact same face.

Unfortunately, he's just so much fatter.

Only I can see it.

But yeah, you have the same face.

If you like, if something terrible happened and you completely went Lieutenant Dan on yourself, this is what you would look like.

I feel like this sucks for both of you right now.

Yeah, it does.

Philip has a new podcast on the Your Mom's House Network.

What's that called?

The Not a Damn Chance Podcast.

Not a Damn Chance Podcast.

There you go.

There's a free plug.

There goes Philip.

And Nate Ortiz,

anything else crazy we should know about you?

You seem like you have a lot of backstory to tell you.

My ex-girlfriend was non-binary.

Whoa.

What was his name?

We wore the same bra.

Yeah, it was great.

Was it always non-binary?

Or did that happen when you were dating?

I didn't know until we were fucking.

And then what did you find out?

You used the wrong pronoun while you were fucking.

She kept calling me brother, you know, like Hulk Cody.

Oh, damn.

R.I.P.

I was like, wait, what?

No,

I had a lot of hard times with

whatever.

Because, like, I couldn't figure out words to say during an argument, you know, so I just kept saying shit my dad said.

So I was like, hey, calm down, slugger.

Yeah.

Yeah, you got that one, champ.

You can't call her a bitch.

You gotta be like, hey,

jerk.

The whole thing's so weird to me.

Was she non-binary when you started dating her?

No, she looked beautiful, dude.

And then we got together and then cut all her hair off.

And what else changed other than the haircut?

She her pits got hairier.

And what else changed?

Her legs got everything got hairier.

That was wow.

It was not a good experience.

And was she

on medication at the time?

I don't know.

Liberalism.

I don't know.

No, but I liked it because she was the only one to allow me to just face fuck all night, which was really great.

What do you mean by that exactly?

You mean do cocaine and...

Fupa on the chin, Tony.

That was...

Oh, fuck me.

All right.

Well,

you know what?

You actually did good, so here's a good joke.

Oh, there you go.

Just throwing joke books at people tonight.

Just bouncing them right off there.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

There he goes.

There he goes.

Alright, another bucket full.

We are back into the 80s.

It's 80.2 degrees, for those of you paying attention.

Somehow it's getting warmer again, everybody.

Who likes it hot in here?

Okay.

Hey, by the way, Dean, Dean didn't do shit.

Huh?

Where the fuck is Dean?

Yeah, Dean fucked up.

He gave us two degrees less.

Yeah.

Fuck Dean.

Bring Dean's bitch ass down here.

I'm going to shave his head.

Give him a crew cut.

Tell him to start acting right.

Pulled another name.

Let's go.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Joe Filey.

Joe Filey.

Whoa.

Hey, hey, hey.

Fuck yeah, mother shit.

God damn.

Getting real tired of getting called white trash.

I like thinking, I'm like upper middle class trash.

You know what I mean?

Like we got some money with the problems.

My sister invents her own parties and holidays.

Like she had a skin tone reveal party.

If you don't know what that is, it's just she fucked three guys that year and didn't have health insurance and they all came to the hospital.

My dad held the baby up like Lion King style.

It was like a skin tone.

And it was crazy because like, I don't know, it sounds horrible, I have to say it, but like, how good is my sister's pussy?

Because

as a white guy, you know how good the pussy would have to be for me to go with a black guy and a Mexican guy to the hospital to find out if it's my kid?

And then you still stay around and raise the black kid as the white guy?

Like, it was crazy.

Like, two days before, I was 12, and two days before, I knew that the baby was going to be black.

Because we were in the hospital, and the black guy's like, yo, I need to go get some milk.

And left the hospital

like they have it here all right that's my time thank y'all

joe filey

good job joe thank you thank you

you've been on this show before am i correct or have i just seen you hiding under my bed as a kid I mean, the bed, the bridge, but yeah, this is my third time on here.

Hell yeah.

Welcome back, Joe.

This had to be your best set of them all.

For sure, for sure.

Yes, absolutely.

You've been working hard.

Oh, yeah, working and just not partying as much.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

What kind of partying were you doing?

Oh, there's a lot of Coke.

Well, I mean, the bag said Coke on it, but it tasted funny.

But there was a lot of Coke for a while there.

A lot of shrooms, LSD, weed.

It's 6th Street.

There's no rules here.

I don't make the rules of 6th Street.

Absolutely.

Incredible.

And how long has it been since you had the operation to remove the backside horse part of your body?

About 2,000 years, Tony.

Incredible.

Incredible.

I still want to make wishes every time I see you, Joe.

Listen,

they're saying there's nothing wrong with the water in East Palestine, so I'm going to keep drinking the tap water in Ohio.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, where are you from?

Well, Youngstown, Ohio.

Oh, no.

You are from Youngstown, Ohio?

I grew up on

South Bonaire and then East Florida in Youngstown.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

Wow.

Look at you.

Even for Youngstown, you're weird looking, dude.

I'm the one white guy in the hood they didn't fuck with.

I have a look, I know.

That is.

Yeah,

I didn't know it was white hood.

I thought it was Amish.

No, it's not.

Same beard, it's not Amish at all in Youngstown, unfortunately.

There's very few people that look like Joe Filey.

I could see why the black people would get scared of you if you're walking out.

I scared the shit out of him.

Get the fucking...

All right.

I was the needle in the haystack, I guess you would say.

That was definitely.

Huh?

I said, I was the needle in the haystack for sure in Youngstown.

That was.

Right.

Yeah.

For sure.

And what do you do for work, Joe Filey?

Right now, I work at a weed shop on 6th Street.

Okay.

All right.

God damn, can you imagine buying weed?

I must have a good face for selling weed.

They love it.

I don't know if it's like the brow ridge, but they come in like, honey, this weed works.

Fuck the the THCA label.

Like, we're getting the weed.

Right.

No doubt about it.

They're like, this weed will make your eyes move apart from one another.

You have a girlfriend?

No, fuck no.

What's dating like being

looking, having a hand?

Have you heard of the Dollhouse ATX?

I know you're sponsored by the Yellow Rose.

Uh-huh, and Red Rose.

But the Dollhouse ATX is way doper.

It's like Pornhub, but you like rent the chick by the hour.

They have a search bar.

Each chick has like categories.

They're probably getting shut.

Look, Red Man's nodding.

He knows.

He's been there.

Oh, Red Man knows.

Well, well, well.

Look who's been playing at the dollhouse.

The craziest part was you followed it with the sunset page.

That's like I can grab my.

When I follow it.

Oh.

Busted.

No.

No.

Order in the court.

We hereby find the defendant completely guilty.

Yo, is it your wife here?

You can see her at the dollhouse tonight.

No.

No, actually, I heard about from Joe White of all.

Don't, okay.

Is it the place where you could, like, rent like a room?

Yeah, that's what he just said.

Oh, yeah, it's like Liam Neeson style.

They push sheets in the bigger rooms to divide him up.

What's the craziest thing you've done at the dollhouse ATX?

Oh, God.

There was like this poor little Colombian chick, and it was like the...

I wanted a Charlie Sheen so like hold on nice and slow poor little Colombian chick She didn't happen to have a 30 cent only fans

But

I wanted a Charlie Sheen so like I put some coke on my dick I had her snort it and suck the rest and like midway through the suck she was like 200 more and I just paid it to her because it was worth that's not even a lie like I could

Wow.

I wish it was a my parents are gonna see this.

They're huge fans.

Yeah,

absolutely.

They are going to see what you're up to.

So definitely siblings.

Yeah.

So 200 bucks and you basically got a blowjob at a strip club.

Yeah, kind of halfway.

This is a ringing endorsement for Dollhouse ATX.

I mean, I almost feel bad for the red rose and yellow rose because this is quite the ad read.

Listen, they don't have no Heidis at the dollhouse, all right?

If you're going in a dollhouse for a Heidi, they don't run.

No doubt about it.

They have running Heidis.

you can run but you can't hide it

the chicks there probably look like you

there's a couple yeah

there's a 50 menu for sure there's like a 3 p.m hop happy hour

my god

fourth meal

so you make money at the weed shop and then you lug it over to the dollhouse atx oh that's like a once every two month thing that's like a red lobster you know i mean like every two months you can go,

you get some cheddar bay biscuit.

You really are from Youngstown.

That confirms it.

Everyone in Youngstown thinks Red Lobster is an every two-month celebration.

It really is.

I was shocked when I grew up and got just a little bit of success and was like, oh, wow, this is not the best restaurant in the world.

It's incredible.

I was tricked for the first 18 or 19 years of my life.

I went there after my confirmation.

It was a big deal.

The best.

Red lobster was huge.

The best.

I mean, you can just count on it.

Big shrimp cocktail.

All the biscuits?

Come on.

Come on.

No doubt about it.

So.

So you're getting coke on your dick with

a sex slave at the place.

Sex slave, in Thailand, they felt like sex slave, Shane.

Oh, you went to Thailand?

Yeah, I've been to Bangkok before.

I have this look, brother.

Like, they know what.

When I landed in Thailand, there's like 30 bitches there.

Like, he's the one.

That's you, probably.

If you learn Russian, you'll be fucking sick, dude.

You look like a Dagestani wrestler.

True.

I can't fight at all.

I carry a gun.

Fuck that.

CCW class is like eight hours, and you're just as tough as them.

Like, that's.

We're going to read a couple Yelp reviews here for Dollhouse ATS.

Here we go.

Geico commercials.

Here we go.

We went in here thinking it was a sex shop.

We were half right.

They have a very small collection of lingerie and sex toys, but they have several women there in lingerie.

So I think they might be in the business of selling something all capital letters else.

If you want sex toys, go next door.

It has a much larger selection.

Wait, who the fuck wrote that?

It says Matt M.

Nick.

Some piece of shit named Matt M wrote that.

I was on the the search for a giant dildo, and there was a bunch of naked ladies who wanted to have sex with me.

Yeah, exactly.

I hated it.

There's a four-star review from James.

Here we go.

It starts with, and this is how you know it's good.

It starts with, okay, here's the deal.

You go in, and there's a lobby.

Costs $65 just to get into the main area.

Is that true?

It's like $55 on Sunday nights and Monday nights.

Wow, look at that.

On discount.

Yeah.

Early bird special.

Working on a budget.

If you want a private show, it costs another $65 and you pick your model.

And if there's more than one working there, you've already spent $130 to get a non-new dance.

If you want nudity, it's $100.

Is that true?

$75 on Sunday.

There you go.

So to get in from the lobby and get a full new dance costs $165 total any day but Sunday.

If you have money to burn and like the idea of being in your own room one-on-one with a hot model dancing and grinding in your lap, it's cool.

I personally prefer that to going to, say, Yellow Rose, where there's too many drunk assholes making the place noisy.

Oh my God.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to our great sponsors.

This is fucked up.

Look what you've done.

I'll mention you when I go there next.

No, no, it's okay.

It's all right.

Shout outs to Kiltoni.

What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you at the dollhouse ATX?

Oh, I don't like anything in my butt, and the one chick was too hot to say no, so I just let her play a little bit.

Whoa, what did she play?

I didn't realize, like, the nice thing had two drawers.

So, she opened the first one, and I don't know, you look at like level one through five, and it's like, I can take five, but let's start with one.

And I didn't know there was like a level six through ten in the second drawer down.

I made it to eight without yelling, so that was

you facing the other way or something.

You just didn't see what was going on.

I, I like you're face down in the bed, and like you're peeping over.

Like, she's holding your, she doesn't want you to see what's in the drawer, right?

Right.

And how much

didn't wait, you paid, right?

Yeah,

yeah, you could have spoke up.

Yeah,

when number five was in your aspect, let me talk to a manager right now.

That's ridiculous.

She was the manager.

That was the manager special.

Shit.

Wow.

It was a $75 manager special on a Sunday, and I got pegged, all right?

Wow.

This place is going to be packed on Sundays from now on.

This is completely backfired.

Backfired is also what happened that day for you.

You have a big joke book from here yet?

I got a couple.

You have a couple big joke?

I mean, they're pretty cool.

Perfect.

There you go.

Fill them up.

Thank you, sir.

There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen.

All right.

Let's do one more bucket pull.

We've had a lot on today.

We've been flying through these interviews, believe it or not.

Make some noise for your final bucket pull.

How about another hand for Heidi, everybody?

Your final bucket full of the night makes some noise for Ramus everyone or Ramb

or Ramos okay

hello hello

so last time I was here it was thinking about bags and boxes

yeah and I actually worked for a moving company I was telling Tony that and

You know, one time I was moving this dude and I thought he had Down syndrome.

So I'm looking at him weird.

He looking at me weird.

I'm like, man, I don't know, you know?

So I'm trying to be off extra soft.

And then he said, like, yo, I went to ASU and I grew up in Phoenix.

So I'm like, oh, where?

Yeah.

I did shrooms and I smoked weed and drank and shit.

And I'm like, wait a minute, they let people with Down

syndrome do that shit, you know?

That's not normal.

And then at the end of the job, he gave us like 60 bucks.

So I knew we didn't have bounds because I was like, otherwise he would have gave us like Cheez-Its, maybe some jelly beans.

Like a single marshmallow.

But you got to take it.

You can't, it's going to stick to your fingers, but you got to take it.

You can't not say no, right?

Yeah, that's my name, Ram B.

Thank you.

That short of a minute.

Yeah.

Okay.

50 seconds from where Ramus?

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

Ram B, actually.

Ram B.

I think there was something.

Yep.

There's a little space.

You left a space between the line down and that S.

You might have called the wrong name.

No, I didn't.

It's your handwriting.

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

Let's go.

You see that?

Can you confirm that that looks like a Ramus?

No.

The separation between the

100% Ram, Ram B.

R-A-M-B.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, but you're saying

because it doesn't connect.

Yes.

I even did a

capital B.

That's you.

Yeah, that's you.

That's Ram B.

Yeah, but you spell it like

B.

You spoke like lamb.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, Ram.

That's fair.

That's fair.

And the second one.

That's weak around.

How long have you been doing stand-up, Ram B?

I moved here in 2021, and I did about 10 open mics in Wisconsin before that.

So about four years, but I have taken some months off because of life shit.

You know, my dad

pops fast and some other stuff.

Damn it.

I'm just being honest.

I'm just being honest.

But I have stayed consistent with writing through that four years.

So I've been doing it four years, basically.

That was a roundabout state of way four years.

Yep, got it.

How did dad die?

Leukemia.

He beat it once and then it came back.

Wow.

He beat Leukemia once.

Leukemia is your mom's name?

Depends on who you ask, I guess.

All right.

So.

She's going to love that joke.

I love it.

To be honest.

So, how do you make money?

I work at a call center

internet company, but I can't say it.

You know what I'm saying?

You like it?

It works for right now.

What are the hours like?

When do I get there or what are the hours?

No, I'm joking.

10 to 7.

Okay.

You have any trouble waking up in the morning?

You know, before this job, I didn't, you know, I was an early riser, and now I'm like, you know what?

Fuck it, I'm asleep till about 9:30.

You know, like,

you know, got it.

I gave myself some leeway.

What do you do for me?

It's like a, what do you call it?

Self-care?

Sure.

What do you do at nighttime for fun?

I go do mics, and

then I also

play

random police

from Red Dead.

I dodge cops, but I dodge cops on Red Dead Redemption 2.

That's the kind of shit I do.

You know what I mean?

Grand Theft Auto.

Have you ever gotten arrested?

Never.

Actually, do you know what's funny?

It's a lot of people get surprised that I've never been to jail.

And then when they meet me and talk to me longer, they're like, I can't even fucking believe it.

But it's just because I've been lucky, to be honest.

You never heard of Sammy the Bull?

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I was in Arizona and at the time, about like 22 years old.

Now that I think about it, maybe I shouldn't say this.

Go ahead.

Fuck it.

Go ahead.

Fuck it.

Let it out.

Yeah.

Taxes will probably get me before this anyway.

But

I'm joking.

But

he was doing like an ecstasy ring.

And my dude that I was living with was dealing with ecstasy.

And every now and then we'd make a few bucks on the weekend or whatever, you know.

And then all of a sudden, we saw the dude that we were getting the pills from in the parking lot on the news.

And that was, I wasn't a very good drug dealer.

That was the end of my drug dealing days right there.

Wow.

Yeah.

23 people were in that ecstasy ring.

You can go look it up.

It's real shit.

Wow.

Yeah.

And you were in it, but you didn't go to the bottom.

No, no, no, no.

No, I let you be.

No, no, no.

Tony's not incriminating Ram today.

Oh, Ramus, as you say.

Yeah, Ramos.

Ramus is.

I love it.

What's your love life like, Ramby?

Oh, we talked about this last time.

I don't know if I remember I was back to the bags and boxes, and I sang the song about the girl not calling me back.

You know, and I, yeah,

yeah.

So she still ain't cold.

I'm chilling, man.

I'm, you know, I'm really just trying to build my life up and not really worry about that side of my life because, you know.

No kids?

My daughter's 21, living her life, doing her thing.

Wow.

Yeah, doing very good, actually.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

College and everything.

How much did you contribute to that child?

I raised her half.

I lived in Wisconsin for 20 years, which was

very much a sacrifice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

After growing up in Phoenix, it was like, fuck this shit.

Hey.

Where in Phoenix?

Wait, where in Phoenix?

No, no, no, no.

How'd you end up in Wisconsin?

Because her mom was from Wisconsin, and so we moved there.

And so I stayed there after we broke up to raise her.

50%.

White mom.

White mom.

How did the white parents take to you moving to Wisconsin?

Popsworth.

Right?

Popsworth.

Can you give an example of what that means?

These people up no.

All right.

The whole family hates me.

Let's just be real.

Right.

But how do you know?

Give us an example.

Oh, man.

That's rough, man.

They might see this.

They might.

So what's one good little story?

You're not naming them out by name.

Could be any fancy.

You ever have somebody look at you like this?

Like for way too long, right?

Like that?

Yeah.

It was constantly that.

You know what I mean?

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

Even at Thanksgiving, like, you're supposed to have a good...

Hey, let's hang out.

Hey.

They never said anything disrespectful or anything, though.

Nothing in particular, just to look.

I almost fought some family members.

Yeah.

yeah.

Wisconsin was an interesting time.

I'll just say that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, I recently went back there, and a bar owner looked at me across the bar for a while, like, I think I know this motherfucker.

Like, I'm serious.

And he just kept looking at me, and I'm like, why is he looking at me?

And I forgot that I had tried to fight him about 10 years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know.

How could you forget about that?

Well,

you know, you live a lot.

I'm 47, so if you live a life where you've kind of fought some people, you forget.

And it's 2 a.m.

And he accused me of something I didn't do.

So I was extra charged.

And he's behind the bar yelling to me.

And I'm like, hey, I'll fuck you up type shit.

Well, I didn't.

I'm proud of myself, actually.

And I very much matured.

I wouldn't fight nobody these days.

Incredible.

You're 47 years old.

Yeah.

You successfully raised a 21-year-old daughter.

You've avoided getting arrested.

Yeah.

I'm a fucking miracle right now, right?

Yeah.

What's your senior?

What's the funny thing?

What's your senior?

I was born at six months, two pounds, right?

Wow.

So I've been a miracle over and over again.

All them stats, I'm like LeBron, right?

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I'm 47 and I'm still going, baby.

You know what I'm saying?

Amazing.

I really feel that way.

Like, I wake up every morning, like, you're LeBron.

Fuck you.

Not Bronny.

And then you go to a call center and take calls.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

Someone's just yelling, get them, Shane.

Let's go, Shane.

No, I appreciate you.

Hey, I would say

they took my drink away.

I had to drink.

They took your drink?

I had some vodka.

I had to sit it down.

They take your drink?

Yeah, well, I couldn't bring it down the alley.

You know what I mean?

I couldn't do that.

You can't.

You would have to do it.

I would love to see though.

We can do a black fist up.

Yep.

There you go.

All right, Ram B.

I appreciate it.

You already have a big joke book?

No, I got a small one.

Well, guess what, buddy?

You're getting the extra dark

edition Kill Tony joke book.

Congratulations

to Ram B.

Not Ramis at all.

It's Ram B.

All right.

It's been a hell of an episode.

The hottest episode in the history of Kiltoni.

We went from the 80s to the 70s, back to the 80s, and I'm pleased to report that we are back at 79.9 degrees right now.

50% humidity, a very rare treat.

It does not work for comedy at all.

But you guys are a bunch of superheroes, and we thank you.

Congratulations to you.

And for your heroedom, you shall be rewarded.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews on this show,

the reigning defending Hall of Famer, the Emperor of Express VPN, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla.

This is the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody.

Austin, I'm so excited to announce to everybody I'm actually about to start auditioning for my first feature-length film.

The guy seems super nice.

He actually sent the script to my father back in Memphis, which was weird as shit.

It's like, how do you even get his fucking address?

But I'm really excited.

Ozzy Osborne died, yeah, 30 years ago.

I'm doing my first intervention tomorrow, and I've got a ton of anxiety because I just don't know.

I don't know what to wear.

And that's a true one.

Okay, let's keep it moving.

Ah, it's sad.

If you don't want me to join a cult, quit wearing all those groovy clothes in your propaganda videos.

And we get free juice, sign me the fuck up.

Free love, no taxes, VIP access to a spaceship heading to heaven, and I get to wear the most stylish fits.

Presbyterian church, sit your ass down.

Asking for that 10% tithe, shit, my cult keeps it.

God damn it, I messed that person.

Presbyterian church, sit your ass down.

Ask it for that 10% tithe.

Shit, my cult wants 100% of my assets and they're going to keep it 100.

You know what I'm saying?

Have y'all seen the trailer for the new moderate to Zevere Plaxorias' commercial?

Okay, that's my top.

William Montgomery has done it again.

All right, yo.

I got you, yeah.

The intervention's tough.

Yeah, yeah, I wore a fucking Notre Dame coach's polo to my sister's intervention and sat in a hotel in Pittsburgh like, she's got to make some change.

So, what do you wear today?

You can't wear something cool.

You got to go talk.

You got to go talk.

Tux is fucking a little bit more.

Tux move.

I know you're doing heroin.

My name's Bond.

Yeah, maybe a coat and tie.

I don't have a tie.

Coat and tie

suit could work.

Yeah.

Okay.

Or you could go Notre Dame Coach's Polo.

It worked.

My sister stopped doing heroin.

Well, too bad I fucking can't stand Notre Dame, dude.

I'm a Florida Gators fan.

I cannot stand after the whole fucking

After the whole Mantai Teo debacle y'all handle.

I can't stand Notre Dame.

No, no, no.

How is that a debacle, dude?

He was innocent.

Also, yeah, whatever.

You guys are totally irrelevant these days, so whatever.

Get a good run.

Maybe this year.

Okay, but

William, this is incredible.

This intervention.

This intervention you're doing.

Is this for a family member, a friend?

What are they on?

Are they having a good time or a tired time?

I don't know.

Think of a tired time.

They're sleepy.

Yeah, I had a sleepy intervention myself.

Yeah, very.

Is that the one with the Notre Dame jersey or was that another one?

Notre Dame Coaches Polo.

What?

Was your sister just getting a little sleepy?

She was just getting a little sleepy.

She was on drugs and stuff?

Yeah.

Like downers?

Yeah, heroin.

And then, yeah, that makes you nod off.

And I think that's the situation I'm dealing with.

Yeah, well, are they mean a lot

now?

Have they turned mean when they're not on it?

Are they stealing stuff a little?

A little bit.

Yeah,

I can't have them over in my apartment.

That's probably heroin.

And then you go, what the fuck?

Yeah.

But it's surprising how quickly they come back.

You go, there's that person I liked.

Well, you know, well, good luck.

I'm praying.

Thank you.

What's your speech?

What's your speech going to be?

Yeah, can you give us an example?

Stop doing heroin.

Yeah, dude, do that.

You deserve it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got to stop doing that shit, man.

We're out worried about your motherfucking ass.

Dude!

We need you eating cheddar bay biscuits again.

He literally is not hungry anymore.

He used to go to fucking

that place with me all the time.

But yeah, we're going to get him eating cheddar bay.

Biscuits again.

We're going to get it figured out.

Are you saying cheddar day?

Cheddered bay biscuits?

Cheddar bay.

Yeah, cheddered bay biscuits.

But yeah, oh my gosh, Tony, this past weekend, just to look at old sets, I watched every single, and I've never done this.

And Tony, I want to say my heart was melting a little bit because when I'm doing these jokes, I don't really ever see y'all's reactions too much or people up here's reaction.

And it always made me smile to myself when I could see your ass laughing at some of my jokes.

And Redband, I do have to say, I don't feel horrible about talking about your slutty ass mom.

Every single time, it was like probably in 100 sets of mine I was talking shit about your mom so I did have a very nice weekend just reminiscing over these times I had never gone back and watched them

yeah Red Band you you brought those prop glasses just for this moment with William

you've been wearing these are real glasses but you put them on now yeah I always put them on at the end

So I don't forget them.

Wait, you never noticed that?

He always puts his glasses on at the end.

No, he's never done that before.

Oh, man, it's a classic kill Tony did.

When the glasses come on, you know, it's wrapping up.

What do you think about Red Band's glasses, William?

I think they make him look a lot smarter.

And I had been worried.

He's been looking kind of stupid recently.

And

I think, thank God with those glasses, they make you look a lot smarter.

Red Band, I'm kidding.

You look like a weird, homeless kind of person.

You look scary with those glasses.

I take them off.

Are those even prescription glasses, Red Band?

Yes, they are.

They are.

How much do they cost?

$350.

that's embarrassing dumbass i was thinking you were gonna say something like that

so will you know what red man you actually do look better i swear to god you somehow used to look worse i think but yeah i mean you still look okay you're getting worse but is this the intervention that you were playing yes yeah red man we have to get you

Up out of your apartment, man.

I mean, we have to get you.

I know you've been holed up up there a long time.

We know you're fucking super depressed.

You've been on VR way longer than normal recently.

My girl's a stripper at the dollhouse, man.

My girl's a stripper at the dollhouse, man.

Tell us about this new plaque and psoriasis commercial.

Not many of us have seen it.

It's just this nasty looking bitch walking around with all these fucking, like, it looks like she got real sunburned on different parts of her body.

That's what plaque psoriasis is.

It's like this nasty disease people get.

I don't know if it's sexually transmitted.

I don't know how people get it, but it's just this real sickening disease people get.

Yeah, no.

So the commercial seems really good.

It's just getting more, it's going to get people on these pills.

Have you?

Let's go back to the intervention for a second.

Have you planned a speech for this?

Have you written a speech?

I was starting to write some earlier.

Uh-huh.

And I'm going to have to really fit.

I'm going to finish it up tomorrow.

Don't do it.

Don't read like a, yeah.

So I shouldn't read.

Yeah, what do you think?

Do I go from the heart?

No, no, do it.

Do a brand new minute for the.

I would, yeah, go from the heart on the intervention.

If you read, it's

it better kill.

It better kill.

Everybody reads like it's a fucking best man speech.

I sat in the room and everyone was like, oh, I'm a little nervous.

It's like, this is about her.

Yeah, let her in.

Yeah, okay.

Let it flow.

Oh, thank you to the fucking horrible person that belched right there.

We're talking about a friend of mine that's quite literally dying.

And I hear this monster burp right there.

That was you?

That was a nice homosexual couple right here.

But you burp it on his dick, bitch.

Wow.

It's amazing how you do that.

It makes the whole place light up all crazy.

Tony, I am stinking tonight.

This is weird.

I swear I think they did the formulation of old spice deodorant differently, dude.

I've been

starting to stink at night now.

Ooh.

Yeah.

It's never happened before.

I've never stunk like this.

This is a new thing.

Have you changed your diet at all?

I just met a mucil out the frame.

I'm up to four cups of it a day, and I did shit twice today, which is great because I did go a span of time of three days this past week without shitting.

Wow.

But I'm doing so much row.

I'm at 720 miles on the row machine since January.

So I just feel like my body's actually really using all the bananas, all the stuff I'm eating.

It's going straight to my muscles, is what my guess is.

So that's why I'm not doo-dooing because all the

peanut butter crackers, fucking bananas and shit going straight to my muscles.

What else goes straight to your muscles?

Give us some examples of things that go straight to your muscles.

I mean, you know, I'm drinking a fucking protein shake with scoop.

Help!

But no, weirdly enough, a lot of jelly beans.

I think a lot of these sports people are saying, go down on the sugar.

No, jelly beans are good.

The popcorn, the buttered popcorn, jelly beans, I'm all up in those right now, Toddy.

And I'm going to bring some to the intervention tomorrow.

I feel like everybody loves a

get them hooked on something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You think that's good?

Try this.

Yeah.

Try these jelly beans.

But I got to tell you, a lot of heroin people, they're going to go straight to candy as soon as they get done.

He's going right to those jelly beans.

Yeah, yeah.

If it's heroin, whatever.

Is it heroin?

Is that the main drug of the person getting the intervention?

Yeah, amongst cornucopia of other things.

Ooh,

other heroin and other stuff.

Oh, yeah, it's time for an intervention.

Wow.

Hurry that up.

Yeah.

I've never heard you use the word cornucopia before, William.

Are there any other new words in your vocabulary this week that you're excited about?

It's a little spotty.

Licensed.

Whoa.

All right.

Wait.

Didn't even activate the light.

You got sad horns on that one.

Sometimes when you're not passionate about it, you get barely a drum, sad horns, and barely any lights.

Assessor.

You should do poly substance drug user.

Huh?

Poly substance drug user.

That's what your friend is.

Oh, a poly substance drug user.

Poly substance drug user.

There you go.

The words, this is a hard one, Tony.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, I'm really screwing up on this one.

I can't.

You can say anything.

Honestly, the ones that you don't really know that aren't that exciting are kind of funnier than the crazy ones.

A new word this week from William Montgomery.

We're almost there.

And here, we go.

Could be anything in the world.

It's really.

I gotta tell you, it's impossible.

I'm trying to think of one word.

I can't think of one word.

Wyoming.

Words are tough.

Yeah.

Domino!

Wow.

Look at that.

What's the one thing that you're hoping

at the end of this intervention tomorrow?

What's the one thing that you're hoping that the person that you're giving the intervention to will not say?

I never go stop using drugs.

That's William Montgomery.

This has been the hottest episode of Kiltonian history.

We were able to get it down to 79.2 degrees.

Guys, the Charlie Bremen J.E.

Belt is in.

How loud can you guys get for our guests tonight?

Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker, everybody.

You did it.

Brought to you by ExpressVPN.

Tires Season 2.

Matt and Shane's Secret Pod on Spotify.

Everywhere else.

Anything else you guys want to plug or anything?

Matt?

I'll be in Atlantic City August 16th.

Hell yeah.

Atlantic City Ocean Casino Resort.

Please come.

The Kill Tony.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis.

The band will be a Blue Note in New York City the Monday after Madison Square Garden 818-818.

You got it.

This episode brought to you by ExpressVPN one more time for the best damn band in the land and our guests, Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker.

Red band.

Check out the secret show every Thursday, SunsetstripATX.com.

Love you guys.

We love you guys.

Thank you so much.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre junk.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

When you need a break, skip the scrolling.

Visit myprize.us.

The games are super exciting and you can actually win.

Myprize.us is the most fun, free-to-play social casino around.

Everyone deserves to win big.

All the slots and table games you love with incredible bonuses.

Sign up today for an incredible welcome package.

Myprize.us is a free-to-play social casino.

Users must be 18 or older to play.

Void work prohibited by law.

Visit myprize.us for more details.

When you need a break, make it memorable.

Visit myprize.us.

Real prizes, real winners, real easy.

A happy place comes in many colors.

Whatever your color, bring happiness home with CertaPro Painters.

Get started today at Certapro.com.

Each Certapro Painters business is independently owned and operated.

Contractor license and registration information is available at Certapro.com.