#730 - IAN FIDANCE + DUNCAN TRUSSELL

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 2 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 2 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 2 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 9 Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony and Scream.

Speaker 14 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 15 Fuck yeah, make some nuts your Brian Red band, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 17 Oh my god.

Speaker 19 And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land?

Speaker 14 Raul Velejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Huebos Rancheros,

Speaker 24 and the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 17 They call him Big Mike.

Speaker 26 Some people are saying that he grows inches every week.

Speaker 29 Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys.

Speaker 30 And live in the flesh.

Speaker 31 Let him hear you, the one and only D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 32 Oh

Speaker 33 my god, this episode is brought to you by Talkspace, Open Phone, and Tocovas.

Speaker 36 We have a bunch of other amazing sponsors as well.

Speaker 4 Here's a little bit more from them.

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Speaker 39 Join Blue Chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info and big thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

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Speaker 2 Right now.

Speaker 51 Are you guys really ready to start tonight's show?

Speaker 55 I'm telling you, it's about to go down every single week.

Speaker 4 And we're really doing it, Red Band.

Speaker 28 Oh, I forgot to mention this is the first episode that we've ever taken.

Speaker 59 12 years and two months of doing this show non-stop, never missed a Monday release.

Speaker 20 This is the first time in our history, right now, and it might only last one week, in which we are actually the number one podcast in the world.

Speaker 62 So, very exciting.

Speaker 32 A wild, wild accomplishment.

Speaker 63 Don't tell the guy that owns the club.

Speaker 20 But this week we are the number one podcast.

Speaker 36 Oopsie Daisy. Sorry, boss.

Speaker 24 We're all best friends. It's all very exciting.

Speaker 34 Speaking of best friends, I booked two on tonight's show.

Speaker 15 An absolute legendary episode ahead of us.

Speaker 34 Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best to ever be on this show.

Speaker 66 You're here.

Speaker 67 You're lucky.

Speaker 34 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for our guests.

Speaker 13 The return of Duncan Trussell and Ian Fidence.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Ian Fidance.

Speaker 13 Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 13 Oh yeah.

Speaker 13 It's going down.

Speaker 13 It is going down.

Speaker 29 We have fun every Monday.

Speaker 69 You guys have done this show before.

Speaker 70 Very exciting.

Speaker 59 Here we are, absolutely thriving in Showbiz, unlike Stephen Colbert, who no longer is employed.

Speaker 77 Jimmy Kimmel is next.

Speaker 20 They will all fall in line and bend the knee to me, the new young king.

Speaker 80 And my guests are Ian Finance and Duncan trestle this week duncan was my first ever favorite comedian in the world live 18 years ago i saw him for the first time at the comedy store special appearance at the end by the great another hall of fame uh nominee guest uh lil hobo uh yeah yeah thank you yeah little hobo how's he been uh

Speaker 89 not great man uh

Speaker 8 You know, he after the last

Speaker 8 appearance here,

Speaker 8 you know, he's already addicted to drugs. But after the last appearance, he spiraled into heroin addiction.

Speaker 8 Spent some time on the streets.

Speaker 8 And yeah, he was just in like a really horrible Waymo accident.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 37 Well, prayers up to the great little hobo.

Speaker 95 Thank you.

Speaker 90 A ventriloquist doll that has the soul of an aborted baby in his heart, right?

Speaker 98 You know, man,

Speaker 8 I just have to say this.

Speaker 99 Like,

Speaker 100 when somebody is in a deep, deep drug spiral, they say things like that.

Speaker 8 And yeah, he did claim to have an aborted fetus in his heart.

Speaker 30 And

Speaker 56 hell, Satan.

Speaker 15 Ian Fidance also here.

Speaker 102 Hi, Ian.

Speaker 57 Welcome.

Speaker 103 Duncan Trussell's going to Australia, Columbus, and Orlando.

Speaker 77 Duncantrussell.com. he and Fidance on Tori and Fidance.com, and he's on social media at

Speaker 83 I-A-N-I-M-A-L-6-9.

Speaker 20 Good luck rewinding that and following him on Instagram.

Speaker 106 IANIL.

Speaker 107 IANIL.

Speaker 80 6ix9ine.

Speaker 90 He's going to Chicago, Oxnard,

Speaker 108 and what the fuck did I write?

Speaker 109 Irvine.

Speaker 82 That's what it says.

Speaker 105 Hi, Ian.

Speaker 108 Hi.

Speaker 82 Welcome back.

Speaker 31 You guys have both been on the show multiple times. You know how it works.

Speaker 36 Over 300, I do believe, right around there, people signed up.

Speaker 59 True, truly insane.

Speaker 52 The amount of humans that are in this bucket.

Speaker 112 It's absolutely crazy.

Speaker 83 Names are falling out.

Speaker 113 If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 115 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts their set.

Speaker 83 And then I conduct an interview with them.

Speaker 65 We find out everything about them.

Speaker 113 They go from being a comedian for a minute to a guest on a podcast.

Speaker 87 Absolutely out of nowhere.

Speaker 116 Anything can happen.

Speaker 51 The whole thing's improvised.

Speaker 53 Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

Speaker 26 I'm gonna let one of these great Puerto Rican boys pull out the first name.

Speaker 38 Look at that.

Speaker 119 A true, the brown hand of a man.

Speaker 22 Oh,

Speaker 47 that's a funny looking name.

Speaker 24 We'll see if that's a real human.

Speaker 60 And in the meanwhile, we are going to start the show with one of our esteemed golden ticket winners, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 35 We don't get to see a lot of this guy very often because it's not easy to write a new minute of comedy every week. He was very, very new and green when we found him.

Speaker 113 And here he is giving us a brand new minute.

Speaker 35 Ladies and gentlemen, a fan favorite, an adorable species unlike anything we've ever seen before.

Speaker 83 Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for the return of golden ticket winner Heath Cordes, everybody.

Speaker 124 Here we go.

Speaker 124 Oh,

Speaker 125 I moved to Texas about two years ago, and before I moved here,

Speaker 125 I was living with my grandma, and I liked living with my grandma a whole lot, but I had to move out. It was time.

Speaker 91 I had to move out.

Speaker 125 Because, you know, me and grandma, we would fight.

Speaker 125 Me and grandma, we would

Speaker 126 tussle, you know?

Speaker 125 Like she was a baker. She liked to bake like cookies and cake and brownies and everything that was good.
And I liked it a whole lot, and I would eat it up too fast.

Speaker 125 And she would tell me how it pissed her off. And she would say, stop doing that.
It pisses me off. And I tried.
I tried to control myself, but I didn't have any self-control. And she knew that.

Speaker 125 She knew I didn't have self-control, but she still made the sweets. She was like a pimp feeding crack to her bitch.

Speaker 125 I'd have to beg for cookies.

Speaker 125 I'd beg, I'd say, please, please.

Speaker 125 And she'd say, shut up.

Speaker 125 No, I didn't do that. I didn't.

Speaker 125 It's just a joke. She's a homophobe.
I didn't suck her penis. She's a.

Speaker 66 All right, thank you. All right.

Speaker 7 Heath Court is a

Speaker 26 very interesting set.

Speaker 25 A lot to unpack there.

Speaker 4 Yeah. A lot to unpack.

Speaker 30 What do you think a homophobe is?

Speaker 125 No, my grandma, she was one of the first transgenders. You know,

Speaker 125 she has a penis, but she's a homophobic grandmother with a penis

Speaker 38 Heath

Speaker 96 you're out of your fucking mind little

Speaker 8 Out of his mind that's exactly my favorite genre of porn

Speaker 24 Old grandma tussling

Speaker 8 No homophobic grandma with a penis.

Speaker 128 Oh, yeah,

Speaker 6 I love that

Speaker 125 Yeah, my grandma, she has a site. I'll give you her website.

Speaker 125 Great. It's a it's a porn website for you to jerk off to.

Speaker 129 What?

Speaker 8 Dude, I already jerked off to your grandma. Under the table.
I am hard as a rock, though.

Speaker 99 That is...

Speaker 8 It's rare comedians can mix eroticism with such great jokes.

Speaker 99 What the fuck is real?

Speaker 4 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 34 I'm a little confused.

Speaker 57 Just to make sure your grandma doesn't have a dick, right?

Speaker 125 No, she doesn't have a dick. It's a joke.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry, guys.

Speaker 20 Did you guys ever fight?

Speaker 125 No, we didn't fight too much.

Speaker 125 Did she bake at all was anything real heath no did you even like cookies i loved her cookies i loved her cookies ian i loved her cookies that wasn't the thing she did make me feel guilty for eating the cookies and that's where the art came from you know

Speaker 83 i love it heath let's talk about real life for a second um you're a little bit of a rock star around these parts right you work at the mothership like five nights a week at least and you're always around you're doing shows all around town everybody knows heath cordis the little legend yeah it's fun on 6th Street.

Speaker 125 It makes me feel pretty cool.

Speaker 71 Yeah, speaking of which, I was given a little bit of information that you might not know that I know.

Speaker 72 Oh, no.

Speaker 104 Yeah, I was shown.

Speaker 4 I was shown video.

Speaker 113 I believe it was Saturday night.

Speaker 76 Breaking news.

Speaker 133 Breaking news.

Speaker 77 I was shown a little video on Saturday night, and someone said to me, one of the managers here goes, ooh, you know about your boy?

Speaker 82 Uh-oh. And I

Speaker 107 No, and which boy?

Speaker 117 And they go, little Heath, the boy, the boy, the true boy, the one true youngling.

Speaker 35 And they showed me a video of them carrying you and throwing you in the backseat of an Uber.

Speaker 29 Because what happened there, Heath?

Speaker 51 Tell us exactly what went down.

Speaker 125 I got pretty drunk.

Speaker 125 I got pretty drunk, and I thought I went home. I remember the Waymo trip, and I thought that I went directly home, but apparently I went to Mitzi's in between

Speaker 125 and

Speaker 125 I got carried out of Mitsy's by a security guy and I pissed myself in the Waymo.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 124 That's Waymo than we needed to know.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 52 How do you know that you pissed yourself in the Waymo?

Speaker 125 Because my pants were very wet the next morning.

Speaker 57 The next morning, they were still wet.

Speaker 103 They were very wet.

Speaker 81 You naughty little boy.

Speaker 30 Wow. What exactly do you

Speaker 111 how much do you have to drink to get that drunk?

Speaker 6 What is that, a full can of beer or something?

Speaker 57 What puts you in that type of place?

Speaker 125 No, I'm getting good. I'm getting good at it.

Speaker 125 Like, it was at least eight or nine drinks that night.

Speaker 90 Oh, my God.

Speaker 111 What's going on with you, buddy? Do you feel okay?

Speaker 77 You're just having fun. You're 2

Speaker 83 now?

Speaker 125 I've never felt better, Tony.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 82 Look at you, you fucking little party machine.

Speaker 6 How old are you?

Speaker 125 I'm 23. I just had my birthday.

Speaker 87 23.

Speaker 51 You don't look a day over 11. It's incredible.

Speaker 53 And you've been drinking a lot like that, or was that like a special thing?

Speaker 125 It happens a little too much.

Speaker 116 What do you think about that?

Speaker 87 What are we thinking? You think you might have a little problem?

Speaker 138 I might have a little problem. A little problem for a little guy.

Speaker 128 That's adorable.

Speaker 7 Come on.

Speaker 120 That's adorable.

Speaker 26 Who needs grandma's cookies when you can have a glass of straight whiskey?

Speaker 30 Amen.

Speaker 141 I'm not going to go through the 12 steps.

Speaker 50 I'll go through the 12 stools.

Speaker 142 Are you drunk right now, Heath?

Speaker 30 I'm a little buzzed.

Speaker 36 What have you been drinking?

Speaker 110 What is going on over here?

Speaker 36 Someone put a little white claw in your baba?

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 36 Someone put a little, dip your pacifier in some whiskey?

Speaker 125 They did. Yeah.
I know, if they did whiskey, I'd throw up. I can't do whiskey.

Speaker 140 Of course.

Speaker 125 I just do jello shots.

Speaker 57 Okay, no, seriously.

Speaker 103 What do you really drink?

Speaker 52 Like that night that you pissed yourself in a Waymo, what did you really drink?

Speaker 125 Yeah, like limit drops and gay shit, like wind, jello shots.

Speaker 125 Really? I don't think I'm gay, but like I drink gay.

Speaker 128 That's okay.

Speaker 7 That's okay.

Speaker 30 Nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 36 Amazing, Heath.

Speaker 23 Well, I mean,

Speaker 116 I love it, you know.

Speaker 35 Me and all my friends, we all grew up at the comedy store.

Speaker 52 You know, it was our college experience, and it's fun to get to watch you go through, look at you hitting a vape pen up here.

Speaker 35 Like, you can't, like, I'm not about to send you off.

Speaker 14 He's just got to show off.

Speaker 20 Oh, yeah, I'm a real, I'm a real boy.

Speaker 57 Just a vaping boy.

Speaker 56 Can't wait 15 more seconds for that hot hit of vape.

Speaker 3 Sorry, I'm sorry.

Speaker 145 I'm sorry.

Speaker 70 But we love you, Heath.

Speaker 116 It's so fun to watch you grow

Speaker 107 physically and

Speaker 15 mentally here here at the mothership.

Speaker 35 We love you, you young buck.

Speaker 136 You're on your way to wild success.

Speaker 125 Can I champion one thing on the show real quick?

Speaker 148 Please.

Speaker 149 Sure, he.

Speaker 125 I had a threesome.

Speaker 73 Whoa, okay.

Speaker 73 Hold on, hold on.

Speaker 73 Hold on a second.

Speaker 26 Hold your fucking horses.

Speaker 47 Now we got something to talk about.

Speaker 104 Now we got something to talk about.

Speaker 90 Yes, black power, Absolutely.

Speaker 73 Holy whoa, whoa, Heath.

Speaker 7 Whoa, whoa, no, don't do that.

Speaker 6 Heath, God damn it, stop doing that, Heath.

Speaker 102 Don't do that, you little rabble-rouser. Settle down.

Speaker 27 Settle down, you crazy bastard.

Speaker 6 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 47 Trying to get away from the whole Nazi thing.

Speaker 146 God damn it.

Speaker 57 Fascist Tony Hinchcliffe has 11-year-old Nazi

Speaker 133 training the Hitler youth over here.

Speaker 43 He looks like the kind of genetic freak Hitler was trying to get rid of.

Speaker 150 Damn.

Speaker 35 Let's talk about this threesome, or as many people are calling it already, a two-and-a-half sum.

Speaker 47 What happened?

Speaker 34 How did it go down?

Speaker 47 Let's talk about it, Heath.

Speaker 125 It was a very hot lady who had an OnlyFans account.

Speaker 125 And I made out with her like a year ago. Uh-huh.
And I wasn't supposed to do that because I was dating somebody at the time. Whoa.

Speaker 125 And so, like, ever then, she's been like totally hot for me, you know. Uh-huh.
And

Speaker 125 it didn't work. I was going to put on a mustache, but it didn't work.

Speaker 119 Pick it up, Mohan.

Speaker 133 You can pick it up.

Speaker 4 Pick it up, Heath.

Speaker 34 You have another shot at this.

Speaker 123 I don't know what you're doing, but.

Speaker 131 Okay.

Speaker 57 Did the adhesive stay on the other side of it?

Speaker 77 Okay, let's skip the mustache.

Speaker 102 Let's get back to the person.

Speaker 6 Wow,

Speaker 28 can you just, real quick, just for my own super confusion,

Speaker 104 why were you gonna put on a mustache there?

Speaker 125 It was supposed to be like a metaphor about how I'm a man now.

Speaker 72 Oh,

Speaker 128 okay. Well,

Speaker 110 God has his own very funny sense of humor.

Speaker 96 God's like,

Speaker 4 no way, bitch.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 107 Flag on the play.

Speaker 120 All right. So let's talk about this threesome.

Speaker 131 Yeah. So it happened.

Speaker 125 So it happened. It was with a very high lady, and we met at the strip club.

Speaker 10 Hold on, Heath, let me tell you.

Speaker 66 We got the hot lady part.

Speaker 7 For it to be a threesome, there has to be one more.

Speaker 125 There was another one. It was her friend.
I don't remember her name.

Speaker 125 I don't know her name at all.

Speaker 72 It was just her friend.

Speaker 6 Can't interject.

Speaker 8 Dude, you're going to get sex traffic, man. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Absolutely. Serious, you can't fuck around, dude.

Speaker 56 There's no one easier to traffic than somebody you can fit in your glove compartment.

Speaker 8 You got to be careful.

Speaker 125 I know. I got to be more careful.

Speaker 112 Thank you, Duncan.

Speaker 152 His threesome was just him and a baby bjorn while two people fucked.

Speaker 6 So Heath, take us through it.

Speaker 31 How does it go down?

Speaker 60 You're at a strip club?

Speaker 125 Is that what you said? I met her at the strip strip club. Yeah, and then and then we went to her place.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 125 And I don't remember a whole lot of it, but I do remember that both of them did stuff to my penis.

Speaker 95 You were molested.

Speaker 124 This is

Speaker 75 what this is what a show this is, right?

Speaker 104 One second he's doing Nazi salutes.

Speaker 57 The next he's admitting to being molested.

Speaker 36 All to start the show.

Speaker 57 So, you just that's your that's what you remember?

Speaker 125 That's what I remember, Tony.

Speaker 31 Do you remember anything else?

Speaker 36 Were your pants wet the next morning?

Speaker 103 Yeah, they were a little wet. Yeah, they were a little wet.

Speaker 15 Did they film it?

Speaker 148 You said it was OnlyFans.

Speaker 125 I sure hope they didn't film it.

Speaker 74 Oh my god, it was her OnlyFans.

Speaker 4 Nope.

Speaker 152 Nope.

Speaker 144 Any other details about it that you remember?

Speaker 4 No. Did they mess with you?

Speaker 125 I didn't feel like shame the next day.

Speaker 30 You felt shame?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Imagine how they felt.

Speaker 131 What the fuck did we do last night?

Speaker 128 They felt nothing.

Speaker 6 Just rare stripper guilt.

Speaker 22 The rare

Speaker 25 SG.

Speaker 15 All right.

Speaker 55 The show has begun under the unbelievable control of Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 8 Great job.

Speaker 54 And now we go to the bucket.

Speaker 56 You guys know this is the part where things can get a little bit wacky because we're meeting people.

Speaker 23 Anything can happen.

Speaker 14 A lot of these people's hearts are beating out of their fucking chest because minutes before they have no idea that they're going up.

Speaker 104 And all of a sudden, now they're on the biggest comedy show in the world.

Speaker 35 This looks like a fake name, but I'm going to read it anyway.

Speaker 15 We're going to see what happens here.

Speaker 121 Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the name goes by Tony Pepperoni.

Speaker 147 Oh my god, it's Tony Pepperoni!

Speaker 97 Hey, it's amia, Tony Pepperoni!

Speaker 97 Hey, what do you call it when the right brothers do 9-11, the wrong brothers? A mamma mia.

Speaker 97 When I say mamma mia, you say papappia, mamma mia, papa!

Speaker 81 Hey, what's a fat lady's favorite computer, Adele?

Speaker 97 A momo miyo.

Speaker 30 Hey, guys,

Speaker 86 anxiety is like vaping.

Speaker 153 Just because you're not ashamed of it doesn't mean it's not gay.

Speaker 97 A momo miyo.

Speaker 97 What was that?

Speaker 97 Say some racist jokes?

Speaker 30 Okay.

Speaker 86 Hey, What do you call a Chinese guy with a lot of money, Cha-Ching?

Speaker 81 What do you call an Italian with herpes?

Speaker 154 Tony Pepperoni.

Speaker 154 Tony

Speaker 32 Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen. Wow.

Speaker 25 Unbelievable.

Speaker 132 Welcome to the show, Tony Pepperoni.

Speaker 57 You absolutely destroyed.

Speaker 35 This is incredible.

Speaker 57 We've never had anything quite exactly like you on the show before.

Speaker 29 While your name is Tony Pepperoni, you are also wearing a shirt covered in pepperonis.

Speaker 104 You took the approach that Heath should have taken to a fake mustache.

Speaker 34 Just gone straight duct tape.

Speaker 135 None of this fucking just regular padding bullshit over here.

Speaker 31 And for some reason, why not?

Speaker 20 You're wearing a chef's hat that even chefs don't ever actually wear.

Speaker 60 It's just basically a costume.

Speaker 30 Tony Pepperoni, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 153 Five years.

Speaker 21 Oh, wow. Look at that.

Speaker 147 Oh, my God.

Speaker 35 How long have you been experimenting with the Tony Pepperoni character?

Speaker 153 Three years.

Speaker 131 All right.

Speaker 35 Two years in and you're like, I need to try something else.

Speaker 35 Did you notice an improvement when you made the big switch to Tony Pepperoni?

Speaker 153 Huge improvement.

Speaker 4 Huge.

Speaker 133 People love Tony Pepperoni.

Speaker 35 Now, where have you been doing this at?

Speaker 106 Austin.

Speaker 59 Oh, you've lived here in Austin the whole time?

Speaker 81 Yes, sir.

Speaker 76 This is where you're originally from?

Speaker 157 Yes, sir. Wow.

Speaker 6 Amazing.

Speaker 88 Amazing.

Speaker 114 So,

Speaker 104 Tony, Mr.

Speaker 30 Pepperoni, if I may,

Speaker 80 what do you do for work exactly?

Speaker 153 I'm unemployed.

Speaker 104 What was the last job that you had?

Speaker 153 I worked in tech. I was a tech broker.

Speaker 20 Okay, up until when?

Speaker 35 How long have you been unemployed for?

Speaker 106 Eight months.

Speaker 120 Eight months?

Speaker 57 Holy shit.

Speaker 4 I mean, what's your plan, Tony Pepperoni?

Speaker 153 I got to sell some t-shirts.

Speaker 153 If anybody wants to go on my Instagram, I'm selling t-shirts.

Speaker 35 Are they Tony Pepperoni t-shirts?

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 57 Well, you're about to sell out.

Speaker 60 What's your Instagram?

Speaker 153 Tony Pepperoni Comedy.

Speaker 105 Wow, Tony Pepperoni Comedy, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 6 Support Tony Pepperoni.

Speaker 55 We love Tony's and we love Pepperonis.

Speaker 60 Incredible.

Speaker 51 How many t-shirts have you sold up to this date?

Speaker 153 Zero.

Speaker 57 Wow.

Speaker 150 Amazing.

Speaker 117 We would expect nothing less, nothing more.

Speaker 77 That is the over-under at draftkings.com using the promo code KILL TONY.

Speaker 59 So so let's talk about it tony uh what do you do for fun

Speaker 93 uh

Speaker 153 sometimes i make rap beats

Speaker 72 like on a computer at home yeah yeah on a computer at home you don't do it with your mouth or anything well sometimes i i rap really yeah wow

Speaker 65 i mean guys i mean i don't care if you say it's not good you're wearing a chef's hat you have duct tape on your face a pepperoni shirt and you crushed your set michael give us a little light beat tell him the beat that you want, Tony Pepperoni.

Speaker 96 A slow beat.

Speaker 150 Hey, give me that spotlight.

Speaker 81 Yo.

Speaker 155 Put your hands in the air.

Speaker 155 Put your hands in the air.

Speaker 155 When I say mamma mere you say I papa beer

Speaker 30 Mamma Mia

Speaker 81 Mamma Mia

Speaker 155 Yo, see ya, I wouldn't want to be ya Cause you ain't the one the one that's wearing pizza That's me Tony P

Speaker 155 P E double P R Oni Ain't no phony ain't no baloney It's cheese and pep cheese and pepperoni

Speaker 155 Check my Insta buy a shirt and get to know me

Speaker 155 Wow.

Speaker 19 I'm getting reports in my ear that that is one of the most prolific raps in the history of the show.

Speaker 130 Some people are saying, oh, they're also saying that you just said pepperoni five times.

Speaker 159 It's absolutely incredible.

Speaker 41 Wow. What's your real name?

Speaker 96 Anthony.

Speaker 29 So you really are a Tony?

Speaker 10 Yes, sir. Wow.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 6 Incredible.

Speaker 130 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 52 Is there anything else crazy we should know about your life, Tony Pepperoni?

Speaker 153 I used to work in the sewers.

Speaker 80 Used to work in the sewers?

Speaker 6 Yes, sir.

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 54 Absolutely amazing. Red man on the ones and twos.

Speaker 20 No better time for a Italian stereotype than Tony Pepperoni telling us that he worked in the sewers.

Speaker 59 What exactly did you do in the sewers?

Speaker 153 Mostly I crawled in the sewers and I got all the big rocks out of the way.

Speaker 22 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 26 Amazing.

Speaker 21 Wow.

Speaker 110 That is incredible.

Speaker 77 Was there anything else that you did other than move big rocks out of the way in a sewer?

Speaker 53 Did you have any other responsibilities at all?

Speaker 87 I've never heard of an actual Italian doing anything like this in the past 150 years.

Speaker 90 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 153 Yeah, so there's we had to inspect the sewer pipes with a camera. So I would lower the camera in and then pull it back out.

Speaker 90 Wow.

Speaker 22 Very good.

Speaker 146 Very good.

Speaker 136 Pulling out is exactly what you should be doing, Tony Pepperoni.

Speaker 23 But I'm going to tell you what, I loved your minute. I loved the interview.

Speaker 31 I loved everything everything about it.

Speaker 54 It's completely insane, but I like it.

Speaker 33 Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen, has started the show, started the bucket,

Speaker 25 and we have pure momentum going into bucket pull number two.

Speaker 117 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 133 One more time for Tony Pepperoni, everyone.

Speaker 147 Oh

Speaker 105 my god.

Speaker 105 Oh

Speaker 105 my god.

Speaker 117 Speaking of pepperonis,

Speaker 67 the lovely Heidi lady. How about a hand for Heidi, everyone?

Speaker 7 One of the backbones of our squad here.

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Speaking of better sex,

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It gives me something to lean on. Yeah.

Speaker 148 Let's face it, Tony. This ain't a supplement.
It's an erection resurrection.

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Speaker 105 All right, we're having fun.

Speaker 34 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ian Simon, everyone.

Speaker 121 Ian Simon.

Speaker 135 Make some noise for Ian, everybody.

Speaker 155 How the fuck is everybody doing? This is a great evening.

Speaker 45 Glad to fucking be here, guys. Fucking band.
Amazing.

Speaker 6 All right, so let's start off on fucking Jew.

Speaker 81 All right.

Speaker 45 I'm a German Jew, to be exact, so it's very confusing for me a lot.

Speaker 6 Sometimes I'm like, oeve!

Speaker 98 The other times I'm like, see Kyle!

Speaker 99 It's very confusing.

Speaker 131 Hey, I could fucking say it, guys.

Speaker 162 Anyway, here's one for you.

Speaker 158 What do you get when you cross a Jewish guy?

Speaker 158 Nothing? Christianity.

Speaker 13 Bring it back.

Speaker 30 Okay, so we have any animal lovers out here?

Speaker 158 Everybody loves animals.

Speaker 13 You got a fucking dog.

Speaker 158 Come on, you got a dog?

Speaker 162 Yeah, see, dog's a cat.

Speaker 95 You're good.

Speaker 6 So,

Speaker 158 I got a black cat, black rescue cat.

Speaker 158 I named her toothless from How to Train a Dragon.

Speaker 158 And let's just say she had teeth when I found her. I really love me some black pussy.

Speaker 13 Speaking of fried chicken, if this doesn't work out well,

Speaker 158 I'm going to open up a food truck. Because every time you want, every time you want Chick-fil-A, it's closed on a fucking Sunday, dude.

Speaker 12 Bullshit.

Speaker 123 Ian sign.

Speaker 90 Whoa, okay.

Speaker 117 Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian.

Speaker 130 Stick with me over here.

Speaker 150 That's it.

Speaker 109 That's it, buddy.

Speaker 120 That's it. Your part's done.

Speaker 115 Hi, Ian. You've seen the show before, right?

Speaker 158 Not till the end.

Speaker 99 Not till the end. Please turn off before the end.

Speaker 90 Okay, but you know.

Speaker 158 You gotta see the bad guy die.

Speaker 20 Okay, Ian.

Speaker 75 Stick, stick.

Speaker 6 Ian. Oh, ADHD is a hell of a drug, Tony.

Speaker 162 Okay, well, it doesn't work very well on this show. You're in the interview part now, Ian.

Speaker 95 I need my crutch before I forget.

Speaker 45 Harlan Williams gave me a crutch, a silver crutch.

Speaker 6 I'm sorry, I should be doing this, right?

Speaker 91 Are you supposed to be talking?

Speaker 90 You are correct. Wow.

Speaker 27 Somehow your instincts took over there.

Speaker 6 Look at that.

Speaker 59 Amazing. Thank you.

Speaker 34 Ian, so you've been on the show once before, right?

Speaker 90 Yes, sir.

Speaker 94 And Harlan was the guest.

Speaker 35 What did we learn about you that night?

Speaker 162 Bet on damaged goods, pretty much.

Speaker 158 But, you know, in a good way.

Speaker 35 What way? Can you explain? Can you remind us what we learned exactly?

Speaker 158 I probably shouldn't be out in public.

Speaker 105 Why?

Speaker 6 I wish it was something cool like Tourette's or something like that. It's not.
I'm just borderline retarded.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 158 Like, not special needs, but the other retard, the one that used to, before they switched it up and everything went sideways.

Speaker 95 You know, we could just be like, that's retarded. That motherfucker's a fag.

Speaker 43 Can you please change your name to not Ian?

Speaker 43 Please?

Speaker 122 Perhaps something like

Speaker 77 that. Perhaps something that rhymes with a pizza topping or something like that.

Speaker 110 Oh, like mamma me and the papa peas.

Speaker 4 There you go. Yeah, you got it, Ian.

Speaker 98 Diarrhea.

Speaker 141 Hey, killing yourself.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 93 Hey, oh!

Speaker 35 Ian, how long you been on stand-up?

Speaker 158 About a year and a half, two years.

Speaker 30 What do you do for work?

Speaker 158 Nothing at the moment.

Speaker 158 Thank you for asking, though.

Speaker 158 We touched on it last time.

Speaker 6 I had a disability for 20 years because I'm all fucked up.

Speaker 64 How'd you get fucked up?

Speaker 162 It's been a run of interesting serious.

Speaker 113 Can you just name some of the things about it?

Speaker 6 Yeah,

Speaker 18 car accidents,

Speaker 158 adrenaline junkie crap.

Speaker 6 Just run the mill.

Speaker 100 Driving your car.

Speaker 8 Driving his car into protests.

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I've been known to hit a protest or two on the way to Circle K or 7-Eleven.

Speaker 117 Okay, Ian, we're going to keep it moving.

Speaker 122 You got a little joke book last time you were on?

Speaker 158 Fuck no, I didn't.

Speaker 45 I got a crutch.

Speaker 163 You got nothing.

Speaker 47 You got nothing last time.

Speaker 164 No, no, I got a silver crutch.

Speaker 52 I could see why you got nothing last time.

Speaker 110 You know,

Speaker 8 I was in ER twice for my legs.

Speaker 6 Here, catch this.

Speaker 6 Catch that.

Speaker 35 There he goes.

Speaker 47 Ian Simon, everybody.

Speaker 55 There he goes. There he goes.

Speaker 67 Ian Simon, everyone. He's leaving now.
There you go, Ian.

Speaker 55 There he goes.

Speaker 67 There goes Ian Simon, everybody.

Speaker 105 One more time for Ian, everyone.

Speaker 47 There he goes.

Speaker 18 Hell yeah.

Speaker 117 There's a vibe tonight.

Speaker 67 Anything can happen on this show.

Speaker 34 Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 105 Mark Fitz.

Speaker 11 Mark

Speaker 6 Fitz.

Speaker 157 You know how Transvestites do that thing where they tuck their dick and balls between their legs and make it look like they might have a pussy?

Speaker 157 I was wondering, what do old transvestites do with all that saggy, stretchy scrotum skin? My knees are shaking. Oh, that saggy scrotum skin hanging out of these.

Speaker 91 Someone told me they stuff it up with grass, what I heard.

Speaker 157 And I thought, I was high, and I thought, what the fuck would they do if they farted with that giant skin bag inside there?

Speaker 148 They'd blow a giant fucking balloon out there.

Speaker 95 Then I thought, man, what if they ate like a fuckload of beans and just put some E.

Speaker 118 coli into it?

Speaker 157 Man, they could work up a massive fucking forehead. He could unwedge his fucking G-string and take flight like a fucking hot air balloon, man.

Speaker 129 My legs are shaking, man.

Speaker 157 He could go on to be the next giant hairy scrotum float in the next gay pride parade, man.

Speaker 157 That's something for an old trendy to put on his bucket list, ain't it?

Speaker 165 Short tag, quick and funny.

Speaker 157 Parade floats bust open sometimes.

Speaker 10 If that scrotum float was to bust open, that would rain down come all over those f ⁇ ing like manna from the heavens of the great gods.

Speaker 30 Gay gods.

Speaker 81 Thank you. That's my time.

Speaker 6 Okay, Mark Fitz.

Speaker 132 Welcome to the show. Mark, this is your first time on, correct?

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 35 I would remember if you've been on before, and I loved seeing new faces up here.

Speaker 24 We like your style, Mark.

Speaker 15 What did I do? You got the boys laughing.

Speaker 6 You got everybody laughing.

Speaker 128 You did.

Speaker 104 We are so relieved after the last comedian.

Speaker 55 Believe it or not. Basically, you're like,

Speaker 146 after Ian simon you're basically richard fucking pryor right now we would have laughed at anything and you did

Speaker 134 good enough no don't worry about it

Speaker 146 uh

Speaker 120 don't ruin it now marks just play it cool wait until i ask you a question mark play it cool mark you're doing good duncan trussell uh

Speaker 8 i wasn't laughing at your jokes uh

Speaker 124 thanks

Speaker 128 same

Speaker 8 I was laughing because

Speaker 8 the only funny part of that to me was when you you kept saying, My legs are shaking.

Speaker 157 Yeah, when I did the scroll them thing, I looked down and my knees were okay then, but I went like this, and my knees were like,

Speaker 8 See, that's real. Yeah, everything else is bull.

Speaker 95 You,

Speaker 8 I don't, I can't imagine that at some point you're like, I wonder what happens if an old trans

Speaker 167 you think if they eat beans and shit a fart.

Speaker 47 So, let's talk about it, Mark.

Speaker 152 You have a very good command of the stage.

Speaker 80 You're calm, cool, collected.

Speaker 142 How old are you, Mark?

Speaker 76 63.

Speaker 57 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 157 That's a loaded question. 44 years, but

Speaker 157 technically, this is my first time on stage.

Speaker 7 All right, explain that to us.

Speaker 157 The first time I ever actually did a stand-up act was when I was in 11th grade. I was in this class.
It was called a speech class.

Speaker 159 And every week you had to give a, it wasn't like how to talk,

Speaker 157 but it was like, they gave you a speech class.

Speaker 159 They taught you every week how to present a, like I do a presentation speech for something, you know?

Speaker 157 Yeah. And the one week it was for do a stand-up act.
And I had two George Carlin albums. I had a Toledo Window Box and Class Clown.
I had that shit memorized, man.

Speaker 157 Like first day I ever gotten sent together.

Speaker 4 George Carlin jokes.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Nice. He did it.

Speaker 4 He was plagiarized.

Speaker 114 So you did a Carlos Mencia impression.

Speaker 87 Very good.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 75 I actually thought about saying something like that.

Speaker 115 So this this is your first time on stage since then?

Speaker 4 Right here? You haven't done any open mics?

Speaker 118 Yeah, I've never been on stage.

Speaker 57 No open mics, no nothing.

Speaker 120 No, no.

Speaker 82 You just decided to come here. Yeah.

Speaker 41 Wow. What made you do that?

Speaker 157 Kind of a bucket list thing.

Speaker 31 To be on Kill Tony.

Speaker 35 How many weeks have you signed up?

Speaker 157 To do stand-up, but then

Speaker 157 it was to like, I was initially going to like try to just do open mics and like do the three-minute things, but do three one-minutes and see which one's the best one and hopefully get on here. Sure.

Speaker 126 But that never happened.

Speaker 138 why

Speaker 157 my first year i came down to austin i i had three different medical issues that caused me simple things nothing big but i what were they uh knee operation two feet operations and no i don't have feet like plantar fascia and an acl no all my toes and i had a broken broken what happened to your toes kind of like at hammer toe shit i had like a just had to correct it okay yeah

Speaker 75 ian can heal you he does this thing where he sucks on toes and that's okay give me them toenails

Speaker 118 how long ago did you move to austin

Speaker 129 uh about three years ago so three years ago so when you were 60 years old you moved to austin where did you move from pittsburgh pittsburgh pennsylvania what were you doing in pittsburgh working in the steel industry no no i i uh

Speaker 157 I've been doing like, well, I used to do construction work, but I had some body, I had some injuries and my body can't take it no more.

Speaker 157 So I just, I started doing like online merch stores and stuff like that.

Speaker 93 Okay. Trying.

Speaker 59 What do you do do for fun?

Speaker 129 Shoot pull.

Speaker 9 Nice.

Speaker 91 A few other things.

Speaker 84 Absolutely.

Speaker 84 Okay, Duncan.

Speaker 8 Show us your feet.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Show us your feet.

Speaker 33 You don't want to do it?

Speaker 32 Beat!

Speaker 147 Beep!

Speaker 55 He's embarrassed.

Speaker 122 He doesn't want to show his feet. We're getting up hard.

Speaker 157 It's not like Cam's dad.

Speaker 147 They look normal. It's just,

Speaker 85 they're just normal.

Speaker 130 Amazing reference.

Speaker 157 I just had my little toe was kind of curling over a little bit onto the side, is all it was. And now they fixed it, now it's straight, so it's like all you'd see is a little scar.

Speaker 157 So I'm not taking my socking shoot off to show you.

Speaker 123 Sorry. So they made your toes straight.

Speaker 42 Pay me later, I might.

Speaker 157 No. Okay.

Speaker 58 So the doctor made your toes straight.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Okay, I'm going to need to talk to this doctor.

Speaker 4 Anyway,

Speaker 36 do you have any kids?

Speaker 1 No, not that I know of.

Speaker 64 So you were just, were you, you have a wife ever?

Speaker 81 No. Never married? Nah.

Speaker 21 You gay?

Speaker 10 Come on, man. No.

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 30 Christ, all right. Homophobe.

Speaker 74 What are you?

Speaker 6 What are you, what are you, Heath's grandmother?

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 69 That actually makes sense because Heath's grandmother, homophobe, and had a penis, could be him.

Speaker 20 Oh, well, him.

Speaker 117 He was a reference to her.

Speaker 41 But you've had girlfriends.

Speaker 161 Of course, yeah.

Speaker 118 Of course.

Speaker 69 What's the longest relationship you ever had?

Speaker 76 A few months. A few months? That's it?

Speaker 60 How do these things end so fast with you?

Speaker 20 You're a handsome man.

Speaker 90 You look like you could be a former pro wrestler or something.

Speaker 91 I used to be really big, but no.

Speaker 84 I was real wild as a kid.

Speaker 51 Tell us about that. What do you mean by that?

Speaker 151 I kind of figured you would.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 157 Like other people, I don't understand why people don't come prepared, of course, with jokes, but also with to talk about something.

Speaker 83 You're literally, you have an opportunity to do what you're criticizing right now.

Speaker 19 You are in the moment being like, you know what's crazy is when people don't answer questions honestly.

Speaker 20 Go right ahead.

Speaker 95 I was a real bad, wild kid.

Speaker 157 I started stealing when I was seven.

Speaker 157 That went all off into my young adult life. I spent a bunch of time in and out of jail and prisons.

Speaker 53 What's the longest you ever spent in prison?

Speaker 157 I did 17 years altogether, but

Speaker 157 seven of it was busted up into a bunch of little

Speaker 157 and I did 10 years straight in a maximum security prison.

Speaker 118 Oh my god.

Speaker 122 So what did you do to get the 10-year sentence?

Speaker 108 Robbery and a handful of other unrest.

Speaker 36 What did you rob exactly?

Speaker 6 Us of our time?

Speaker 8 No, I don't. I'm so scared of you.

Speaker 159 That's a good thing.

Speaker 42 You're a real bandit out there old curly toes strikes again

Speaker 6 ah the curly toad bandit

Speaker 7 i hooked him with my toe

Speaker 155 no i uh it was uh old curly

Speaker 15 talking about i i robbed the safe you know what the 10 cent a year federal sentence was for yeah i yeah i just said i i feel weird talking about it uh it was uh yeah i mean it's long ago i think

Speaker 6 you're a great guy now

Speaker 52 you broke open a safe in a grocery store i went in

Speaker 157 while they were open for business and called for the manager and had him take me back in there.

Speaker 118 Was it an HEB?

Speaker 165 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Pittsburgh, buddy.

Speaker 90 Giant Eagle? No.

Speaker 96 Kroger? Different state.

Speaker 4 Was it a Kroger?

Speaker 157 It was one of the, no, it was one of them. This wasn't in Pittsburgh.

Speaker 21 It was one of the things

Speaker 157 I don't even know the name of the grocery store. It wasn't a normal channel.

Speaker 24 You don't even know the name of the grocery store that you robbed and got 10 years in federal prison for?

Speaker 157 i think that's the last thing i should really concentrate on yeah but

Speaker 160 i mean you got 10 years in prison i would have no it was one of them no name it wasn't like a chain grocery store it's one of them little okay so let's slow it down just stick with me and answer the questions honestly okay

Speaker 112 so At what point did you get caught?

Speaker 87 Did you get money out of this safe?

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah, I got a money.

Speaker 110 How much did you get?

Speaker 157 But then I got caught later.

Speaker 20 Answer the fucking questions.

Speaker 6 Answer the fucking questions.

Speaker 42 Stick with me.

Speaker 66 Focus, focus, motherfucker.

Speaker 14 How much money did you get out of the safe on that day?

Speaker 157 11,000, and I got away with it, but then I got caught later.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 94 How did you get caught later?

Speaker 35 How long did you get away with it?

Speaker 70 How did they catch you?

Speaker 157 When I ran out the door of the grocery store, you know, they slide open, but it's not fast enough because I'm wanting to leave real fast.

Speaker 75 Put the mic up to your mouth.

Speaker 157 And I, oh, sorry.

Speaker 110 And I put my hand onto the door and pushed it shut.

Speaker 66 Oh, fingerprints.

Speaker 15 I already had fingerprints on me.

Speaker 57 Yes. Wow.
So how long did you

Speaker 58 get away with it for?

Speaker 87 Two months, one month, three months?

Speaker 24 A few months.

Speaker 37 What did you spend?

Speaker 36 Maybe spending time?

Speaker 157 No, it was like about six, almost five, six months, yeah.

Speaker 112 All good. What did you spend the $11,000 on?

Speaker 118 Uh-huh.

Speaker 159 I just...

Speaker 157 Just, I don't know, just blew it.

Speaker 148 Just, I was

Speaker 171 throwed off. Were you doing drugs?

Speaker 157 No, I never did drugs.

Speaker 60 You never did drugs?

Speaker 36 Smoke. Prostitutes?

Speaker 143 Nah. No booger sugar?

Speaker 147 Nah.

Speaker 6 You robbed a grocery store of $11,000 and you didn't spend the money on anything in particular.

Speaker 157 No, it just blew it.

Speaker 106 I was very wild and

Speaker 157 adventure-seeking kind of a person. That was my weird...

Speaker 157 I liked the thrill of...

Speaker 157 In a sick-demented... Again, I was a fucked-up childhood, so I just loved it.

Speaker 109 What was fucked up about your childhood?

Speaker 118 Tell us that.

Speaker 161 I was just wild as fuck.

Speaker 157 Just off the chain, wild as fuck. I started stealing when I was seven.
I did my first burglary when I was nine.

Speaker 162 I wasn't a good kid.

Speaker 60 When you say burglary at nine, what exactly did you burglar at nine?

Speaker 75 Somebody's house that left the doors open.

Speaker 52 And what did you get from their house?

Speaker 81 Totally. I would just.
No.

Speaker 11 No.

Speaker 85 No,

Speaker 85 I would steal like money and stuff.

Speaker 157 The first time I did it,

Speaker 157 I went back to this house like four or five times over a period of a couple months. And I would go in, sneak some stuff, take it.

Speaker 113 What's the last crime that you committed?

Speaker 21 That one I did.

Speaker 95 The big one, the grocery store.

Speaker 157 And then since then.

Speaker 157 And when I got into prison that time there my my first year in I was like your typical angry fucking prisoner, but I uh my second year in I decided man, I'm done with this shit man.

Speaker 6 I while I was there I it wasn't hard.

Speaker 157 I mean, it was very hard wasn't easy inside of mass maturity prison to turn your life around craziest thing that happened to you in the 10 years in prison.

Speaker 52 You answer this one good and then the interview is over, but I want a good fucking answer on this one.

Speaker 15 I don't want you to go it was wild and me go what do you mean wild?

Speaker 140 It's really wild and me go what the fuck do you mean dude because you're driving me kind of crazy.

Speaker 157 I got snagged up in a riot but i got out of it and left but it wasn't when you say snagged up in a riot again

Speaker 157 what exactly do you mean well i was in a i was in a one of them prisons where it's divided up into gangs of courts but i'm guessing i didn't want to be in it so i was like by myself which is rather dangerous but i used to be really big so i was so the so like the white i was i was outside in in in the out in the grass field and it was a softball field, and there's only one gate to go through to get out.

Speaker 157 And

Speaker 99 a riot started right outside that gate.

Speaker 157 And I had to leave, because you have to go lock down when they have riots, and this place has riots all the fucking time.

Speaker 157 And

Speaker 157 I got snagged up in a little bit, but I just.

Speaker 36 Set was decent.

Speaker 31 Interview was compelling.

Speaker 41 I'm giving you a big joke book, Mark Phipps.

Speaker 7 Wait, what? What?

Speaker 159 Can I ask you one thing real fast?

Speaker 104 You're going to ask me something right now.

Speaker 81 Okay.

Speaker 157 I've been trying to contact

Speaker 149 Ari Maddie for a while because

Speaker 157 I can help him qualify for a government program to get citizenship.

Speaker 27 I'll give you his phone number.

Speaker 73 Hold on, no, Duncan.

Speaker 131 I actually. Duncan, no.

Speaker 147 I actually.

Speaker 43 But it's prison style. He got to give me something in return.

Speaker 78 I actually have.

Speaker 144 Can you explain to us how you of all people, not me, friends with the current administration or Joe Rogan, who literally literally decided the presidency of the United States.

Speaker 60 What can you do that we can't do exactly?

Speaker 157 It's a long story how I got it, but I stumbled. I was looking for something for myself, not because I'm an illegal immigrant, but something else.

Speaker 157 But I noticed this one thing that I read about, and it's something that he could qualify for. It's a pathway to citizenship.

Speaker 157 I actually, I put the, I actually, because I wasn't trying to contact them, I did a video

Speaker 157 and I put it on a tablet. I have the tablet out here to give to you so he can, you can, it explains it in a video.
It's too much to explain out here and it's not funny.

Speaker 127 Hello.

Speaker 69 Ari, you're on the show.

Speaker 143 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 144 I know I told you that you have the night off, but there's a guy up here, very scary guy.

Speaker 156 He's been to prison numerous times. He's 63 years old.
The last time he was on stage was 44 years ago.

Speaker 122 It takes him forever to answer questions.

Speaker 156 He's spent 10 years in federal prison after robbing a grocery store in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for $11,000.

Speaker 156 He got away with it for six months, but he left his fingerprints on the door on his way out.

Speaker 140 And

Speaker 133 he was part of a riot once.

Speaker 35 Long story short, at the very end, after I told him I'm going to give him a big joke book, he said, There's one more thing.

Speaker 122 Can I ask you a question?

Speaker 42 I can help Ari Matty in citizenship.

Speaker 56 How far away are you from the club exactly?

Speaker 147 I am just getting out of the steam room, so

Speaker 145 I reckon I am like 15 minutes out.

Speaker 3 Okay, well, we have a guy here that's going to

Speaker 52 talk to you about some stuff, and then we'll have some drinks afterwards, okay?

Speaker 7 So the guy who's convicted criminal for the grocery store is going to help me.

Speaker 147 That's all I need, Tony. How about you get another rapist or a Nazi Tony?

Speaker 32 How about we get a whole crew together?

Speaker 147 What the fuck kind of a crew are you putting together? I need a lawyer, not a criminal.

Speaker 26 Absolutely perfect.

Speaker 55 Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen, we love you, Ari.

Speaker 33 We'll see you soon.

Speaker 61 There you go.

Speaker 62 And here's your big joke, book.

Speaker 28 Did you have fun here tonight?

Speaker 42 You seem like you didn't enjoy this.

Speaker 10 You happy?

Speaker 30 Okay, there you go.

Speaker 75 There he goes. Mark Fitz.

Speaker 66 Let's get one more bucket pull out here.

Speaker 6 Hello there.

Speaker 39 This podcast is sponsored by Shopify.

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Speaker 172 That's me.

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Speaker 148 Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling.

Speaker 147 Scrolling, strolling, bowling, moling.

Speaker 39 And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond.

Speaker 39 If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. So turn your big business idea into

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Go to Shopify.com/slash Kill Tony. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony.

Speaker 39 Shopify.com/slash Kill Tony. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony.

Speaker 31 This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Speaker 39 Therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network than most insurance providers.

Speaker 39 Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable.

Speaker 147 Red Band.

Speaker 148 I think Talkspace is providing some of the best mental health treatment out there.

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Speaker 39 That is incredible, right, man. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider that's the right fit for your needs, typically within 48 hours.

Speaker 39 You can also switch providers at no extra cost. Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home.

Speaker 39 You can even talk it out between sessions by sending messages to your therapist as a listener of this podcast.

Speaker 39 You'll get $80 off your first month when you go to talkspace.com/slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80 for Talkspace. That's S P A C E eight zero to match with a licensed therapist today.

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Speaker 15 Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 38 You having fun out there?

Speaker 15 That's what I fucking thought.

Speaker 163 Make some noise for him.

Speaker 57 It's Jimmy Copteros, everybody.

Speaker 147 Jimmy Copeteros.

Speaker 100 Austin, motherfucking Texas. How are we doing?

Speaker 165 Little about me. I'm a ten-year manager of a grocery store in Pittsburgh.

Speaker 165 What the fuck?

Speaker 165 Oh, I got fucking 60s. I'm going to fuck this whole thing up.
All right, I got 60s. I might have did some worse shit than him.

Speaker 165 I have an 11-year-old son, and I accidentally shown him all the porn in my phone. Austin, I'm picking him up from summer camp two weeks ago.
We're driving home. He sees the Tesla Cybertruck.

Speaker 165 Dad, I heard those are expensive. Let me have your phone.
I hand it to him. It's quiet.

Speaker 95 Dad, I look over.

Speaker 165 Massive amounts of blowjobs on my phone.

Speaker 81 Full panic.

Speaker 6 Full panic.

Speaker 165 I don't even know how that got on my phone. He's 11.

Speaker 165 Dad, it's actually right here in the search bar.

Speaker 165 I'm freaking out. I take the phone from him.
Listen, this is why we have Google block on your electronics. One minute I might see is Tom Brady coming out of retirement.

Speaker 165 And and the next minute I see this disgusting

Speaker 78 filter

Speaker 165 and it's quiet and I feel like I weathered the storm and he says, Dad, it's totally okay if you're gay.

Speaker 165 I just start showing him all the vagina.

Speaker 57 There it is. Very solid, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 15 Jimmy Copteros.

Speaker 26 Welcome to the show, Jimmy.

Speaker 25 Thank you, guys. I like your style.

Speaker 19 Great start rolling off of the Pittsburgh thing.

Speaker 35 Welcome, welcome, Jimmy.

Speaker 69 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 165 Two years and a month. Awesome.

Speaker 82 Where are you from?

Speaker 165 Outside of Tampa. Okay.
Gordon Dixon country.

Speaker 165 That's my boy.

Speaker 165 That sounded less weird when I am.

Speaker 60 Who's Gordon Dixon?

Speaker 165 He was on here. He works down at

Speaker 165 Shakespeare's.

Speaker 157 He's been on here.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 22 All right.

Speaker 165 Thank you guys for coming.

Speaker 22 Okay, yes.

Speaker 20 They're all here for you, Jimmy.

Speaker 165 I just wanted to give him a shot. I came and saw my boy.

Speaker 111 Crazy shout out to give, but okay, you got it out there,

Speaker 123 and you'll never, you'll never get repaid for that, by the way.

Speaker 67 It's an odd favor, and you did it.

Speaker 28 I like your style, Jimmy.

Speaker 36 What do you do for work?

Speaker 35 What type of mechanic are you exactly?

Speaker 165 I rob grocery stores, Tony.

Speaker 36 No, seriously, Jimmy.

Speaker 120 Stick with it.

Speaker 118 What do I sell like? Uncle. Yep.

Speaker 165 What do you do for work? I own a junk removal and hauling and home services company.

Speaker 80 Wow, strong white guy stuff.

Speaker 165 Called Jimmy's, so you know I own it. Like, I just needed to.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 165 If If you need someone to haul your junk.

Speaker 165 Where were you, Tony? I apologize.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 76 Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Speaker 6 Do you live here now?

Speaker 80 No. You still live in Tampa?

Speaker 110 I do.

Speaker 84 Okay.

Speaker 165 It's my second time here. You didn't ask that.

Speaker 128 Okay.

Speaker 4 All right, Jimmy.

Speaker 6 Very good.

Speaker 28 What's the most interesting thing that's ever happened in your life?

Speaker 165 It's cancer interesting. I don't know if that's...

Speaker 6 You had cancer? Yeah, three years cancer-free.

Speaker 16 Wow, congratulations.

Speaker 33 It was uh of the lymph nodes?

Speaker 25 It was the lymph nodes.

Speaker 63 The lymph nodes? Yeah.

Speaker 6 Did you get okay? Yeah.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 29 And were you a heavy smoker?

Speaker 165 Do you guys have tissues here or no? Okay.

Speaker 165 Jesus.

Speaker 6 I'm a light smoker.

Speaker 165 I'm a light smoker.

Speaker 39 You still smoke?

Speaker 165 I smoke.

Speaker 157 I mean, do you have one?

Speaker 165 No, I smoke the one I drink.

Speaker 108 Uh-huh.

Speaker 78 And all that. Tonight.

Speaker 6 And all that added up.

Speaker 35 How old were you when you got diagnosed with cancer?

Speaker 6 44.

Speaker 133 Okay.

Speaker 93 And you had partied hard from your whole life up until that point?

Speaker 165 No, I've never been a partier.

Speaker 148 What was your symptoms?

Speaker 165 So I was picking a friend up from the airport. I lean over to tie my shoes and I start salivating.
So I go over to the sink and it's just blood.

Speaker 118 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 165 It's the hot part of the show.

Speaker 165 So then I call 911.

Speaker 165 It was just a burst abscess. And they go, which every doctor has told me, your tonsils are massive.
Have you ever been told you should remove them? And I go, yeah. And they go, we think it's time.

Speaker 165 So I had my tonsils removed like a miracle. They remove my tonsils and they find the smallest.
Now, what they'll tell you about cancer is they're looking for like a cluster of grapes.

Speaker 165 They found like a grape. So I had like a 99% cure rate.
I knew I was going to be okay,

Speaker 165 but still had to throw the kitchen sink at it. So 35 rounds of radiation, seven rounds of chemo, 56 pounds lost, feeding tube, all the stuff.

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 165 I mean, I can make that funnier. I could polish that pig up if you want.

Speaker 165 I'm going to say I do have a joke, but I don't want to.

Speaker 165 Can I say that?

Speaker 77 I think we all have cancer now, Jimmy.

Speaker 6 It's oral.

Speaker 66 Oral. Got it.

Speaker 78 All right. Well,

Speaker 70 you really have kids?

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 118 How many do you have?

Speaker 6 A kid. Just one.
Yeah.

Speaker 10 How old is he?

Speaker 165 He's 12 now.

Speaker 126 12 now.

Speaker 36 Is it true that he found foreign story on his phone?

Speaker 58 Fake story. Say it again.
Real story or fake story?

Speaker 165 It starts out as a real story.

Speaker 6 He was about four or five, not two weeks ago.

Speaker 165 And he saw it and he goes, Dad, what's this? And I go, mind your fucking business or whatever. Like,

Speaker 165 it wasn't even a relevant thing that I had to explain. Right.

Speaker 165 But I felt like it would be a good bit.

Speaker 151 All right. Yeah.
Feelings aren't facts.

Speaker 53 How do we feel about Jimmy, guys?

Speaker 52 It's very rare that we have the same comedian on twice in a row.

Speaker 74 It's a very exciting thing.

Speaker 165 My picture was on the wall in that fucking grocery store. By the way, it was called Pathmark.
You don't remember the name of it.

Speaker 90 I fucking remember it.

Speaker 165 I'll never forget that day.

Speaker 165 Rest of my life.

Speaker 92 Third time's a charm.

Speaker 8 I like you, Jimmy.

Speaker 92 You oscillate between like funny and then like trying to hard, but you're, I think you're naturally funny.

Speaker 92 Like some of the stuff, like some of your mannerisms and like little lines were, I thought were like very funny, but then it's like, you, I don't know, like you try to be funny.

Speaker 92 I would suggest like just be natural. And like you have a very compelling, funny story to tell.
I think stick to that and just be yourself more. And I think you'd be great.

Speaker 92 I thought it was, I was laughing at some parts.

Speaker 171 I'm picking all that.

Speaker 165 Because if you have 60 seconds and you laugh at some parts, that's pretty good.

Speaker 141 Well, it's a little bit of a long walk around the block for the punchline, but you know, it still had a punchline.

Speaker 165 And I just wanted to take you on that walk.

Speaker 99 Thank you.

Speaker 165 It's not all funny. Some of it's, you know.

Speaker 86 When you

Speaker 151 showed a four-year-old blowjob porn

Speaker 8 and he goes, What's that, Dad?

Speaker 3 You really said

Speaker 8 nothing. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 165 I mean, it sounds different the way you said it.

Speaker 20 But yeah, also, yeah.

Speaker 4 Also, that's what I said. Yeah, that's.

Speaker 165 Both of those can be synonymously true. Yours sounded more like...

Speaker 8 Just say it like you... I'm sorry.

Speaker 74 Just say it like you said it.

Speaker 165 Your Honor, yes. I said...

Speaker 6 Hey, Dad! Fucking worried.

Speaker 167 Dad, you just fucked up my life forever.

Speaker 10 I'm four.

Speaker 167 I have more neurons in my brain than at any other time in my life. And this is going to freeze itself into my memory.
I'll probably have to get therapy.

Speaker 167 rob a grocery store, and my toes will

Speaker 167 my toes are gonna curl in.

Speaker 167 What is this?

Speaker 165 Now I know what you mean about the long journey to the punch. I get it now.
I get it.

Speaker 26 Jimmy Cobteros, here's a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 35 Congratulations, you were just killed Tony.

Speaker 25 There he goes, Jimmy. Thank you, guys.

Speaker 34 Cobteros, we're flying through it this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 7 It is happening.

Speaker 117 People are going to the restroom to do bumps of the old Puerto Rican pound cake.

Speaker 96 there they go, everybody.

Speaker 28 All right, special part of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 6 One of our Hall of Fame former regulars is behind that curtain right now.

Speaker 130 We very rarely get to see him.

Speaker 80 Known for what I've been kind of looking for and struggling with this evening, which is the most honest, direct answers in interview history in the Kiltoni universe.

Speaker 113 If you know the words to his theme song, sing along.

Speaker 8 For this is Hans Kim.

Speaker 7 Hey,

Speaker 96 I like how Texans will make fun of liberal cities, but when they jerk off, they set their VPN to California.

Speaker 96 That's gay as fuck, bro.

Speaker 96 I have a gun.

Speaker 11 Not on me.

Speaker 96 Somewhere in the room.

Speaker 96 I don't even leave my door unlocked anymore because I want to use it.

Speaker 96 Is that my best friend I invited an hour ago or the greatest moment of my life?

Speaker 96 I have an AR-15. I can shoot 600 yards.

Speaker 96 I can't even imagine being mad at someone that far away.

Speaker 96 Hey, you better stop doing that at 500 yards.

Speaker 3 All right, that's my time. Thank you so much.

Speaker 33 Showing the difference between golden ticket winners, bucket pulls, and true,

Speaker 96 true full-time regulars of the show former weekly regular Hans Kim is back ladies and gentlemen hello my sweet sweet Hansie hello Tony thank you for having me I uh sorry about this weekend I totally fucked up oh that's right you guys want to hear a fucking behind the scenes awesome show biz story and how absolutely insanely autistic and retarded hans kim is everyone

Speaker 130 let me ask you this before I tell them the story.

Speaker 52 You don't have to say the number. Don't say the number.

Speaker 87 But was that the highest paying one-time 15-minute long gig you've ever missed?

Speaker 130 Yes.

Speaker 6 Without a doubt, right?

Speaker 10 Without a doubt.

Speaker 80 So for 15 minutes, let me just tell you, it was a lot of money.

Speaker 113 We will not say the number, but just know.

Speaker 35 A fucking lot of money, especially for 15 minutes of work.

Speaker 51 It was scheduled to be in Edmonton, Canada.

Speaker 134 We all did it.

Speaker 78 I made it.

Speaker 152 Ari Maddie made it. David Lucas made it.

Speaker 35 William Montgomery made it.

Speaker 172 We had to have a layover in Denver because what they don't tell you about Austin is that it doesn't fucking have direct flights everywhere like LA did.

Speaker 51 That sucks.

Speaker 59 Anyway, and in Denver, Hans Kim, after we ate breakfast,

Speaker 64 he realized right then, boarding the plane to Edmonton, Canada, that he forgot his passport, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 12 Oh

Speaker 12 my God.

Speaker 139 Oh, my God.

Speaker 69 And if you're wondering how much money, definitely at least half your salary.

Speaker 30 Half of your annual salary.

Speaker 96 It is as much as a teacher makes in a year. Yes.

Speaker 117 For 15 minutes of work, the only thing that he needed to bring was his passport.

Speaker 83 Not even a change of underwear would be necessary.

Speaker 15 We would all have been home 24 hours later.

Speaker 117 And we were me, Ari, William, David, richer than ever.

Speaker 103 And then there was Hans, who had to tell me what I don't even know.

Speaker 41 I couldn't even talk to you afterwards because it was so stupidly frustrating.

Speaker 81 Oh, yeah. So what happened?

Speaker 35 You had to get a flight from Austin

Speaker 6 or from Denver to Austin?

Speaker 96 I was going to do that, but then I was like, I have a weekend in Appleton that I canceled for that show. So I was like, let me just go to Appleton.

Speaker 96 So I was just alone in a hotel room while you guys were in a stadium.

Speaker 96 Oh my god, yes, in Appleton, in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Speaker 111 Yeah, so that's even worse.

Speaker 114 Holy shit!

Speaker 20 So, wait, hold on. Did you cancel the whole weekend?

Speaker 96 No, I canceled the Friday.

Speaker 35 So, you were gonna fly from Edmonton to Appleton?

Speaker 51 Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 82 So, that night, can you tell us like what type, what was going through your head?

Speaker 118 What type of guilt?

Speaker 96 And I was like, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Speaker 20 See, that's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 140 That's how you answer a question on Kill Tony, honestly.

Speaker 148 Do you like punch yourself when you're angry and stuff like that?

Speaker 96 I throw things very hard sometimes, but I try not to do it anymore because,

Speaker 96 yeah, it scares people.

Speaker 150 That's true.

Speaker 114 That is true.

Speaker 82 So, Hans, what else is going on in life?

Speaker 96 Well, the shows in Appleton were great. There was a.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 57 and you had to do what two hour-long sets?

Speaker 96 Three,

Speaker 96 one, two, Saturday, one Sunday to make up for the Friday. So I was just like four days away from home, just without the teacher salary.
Yeah.

Speaker 96 And, you know, there was a pregnant lady in the show, and she had a seizure during my set.

Speaker 31 Wow, a pregnant lady had a seizure during your set in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Speaker 101 Yeah, she was fine.

Speaker 96 She could only handle her liquor.

Speaker 81 No, I'm just kidding.

Speaker 95 That's the joke the husband made.

Speaker 131 Okay.

Speaker 120 Giving credit where it's due.

Speaker 96 But yeah, I was like, name the kid after me.

Speaker 96 But yeah, she was seasoned up. I guess that's something that women do when they're pregnant.

Speaker 110 No, it isn't!

Speaker 11 I don't know.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 81 Maybe she was a liberal.

Speaker 69 Was it at a specific joke?

Speaker 82 Was there something that was it was?

Speaker 96 Yeah, it was like, you know, the Chinese, a lot of people were racist to the Chinese during the pandemic, which as a Korean, I say, let him have it.

Speaker 96 Yeah, they're the ones that decided to eat bats and pangolins. I was just eating dogs like a good Asian.

Speaker 20 That's right.

Speaker 120 Hans still got it.

Speaker 120 Wow.

Speaker 80 Everything else is good, Hans.

Speaker 172 What else is going on?

Speaker 96 I have a bulletproof vest now.

Speaker 120 What the fuck is going on with you, Hans?

Speaker 43 He's a Virginia textured 2.0.

Speaker 96 I mean,

Speaker 96 yeah, it's a force multiplier.

Speaker 96 I have a battle belt.

Speaker 15 What do you mean? Wait, what?

Speaker 8 What's a for? What do you mean?

Speaker 96 Like, if you have a bulletproof vest, it multiplies how much force you can inflict on your enemies.

Speaker 7 What?

Speaker 152 What do you mean?

Speaker 96 Like, if you buy another gun, it's not like you're going to to dual wield two AR-15s, so it makes more sense to buy, like, gear that'll help you in a gun battle.

Speaker 151 This has gone from an interview to evidence.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 107 It is kind of wild.

Speaker 77 What are you going to do with all of this stuff, Hans?

Speaker 42 Do you ever have thoughts about it?

Speaker 96 Yeah, I think about

Speaker 96 shit hits the fan SHTF a lot.

Speaker 82 Wait, what?

Speaker 96 SHTF.

Speaker 96 I've been watching a lot of YouTube about this.

Speaker 116 Nobody knows what that is.

Speaker 152 You're a prepper.

Speaker 7 You're becoming a prepper.

Speaker 84 Thank you.

Speaker 148 He bought me a long-range walkie talkie recently.

Speaker 81 I don't know if he

Speaker 4 if that means I'm safe.

Speaker 74 Oh, a walkie talkie.

Speaker 20 Oh, a red man. I get you a gift.

Speaker 11 Oh,

Speaker 128 oh, do you want the walkie talkie?

Speaker 8 The shitter hit the fan. Meet me at a 230.

Speaker 6 I'm sorry.

Speaker 90 I put the walk in walkie-talkie.

Speaker 58 What is your plan with the walkie-talkie situation?

Speaker 77 Looking for some long-form friendship?

Speaker 96 Yeah, when we're out in the woods, you know, like

Speaker 96 doing an end.

Speaker 20 You go out in the woods sometimes here in downtown Austin?

Speaker 27 The old famous Austin Woodlands?

Speaker 110 What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 96 You know, when the zombies come, when we're like traveling, and you just be like, hey, Red Band, do you have any more bacon or something?

Speaker 4 Red Band's like,

Speaker 75 that's literally all I have is bacon.

Speaker 4 I'm fast sons of bacon.

Speaker 130 Have you guys communicated with these walkie-talkies?

Speaker 91 A little.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Wow, what are you guys talking about?

Speaker 96 Like, hey, we don't, I mean, we were in the same room when we did it.

Speaker 90 Wow.

Speaker 24 Truth comes out.

Speaker 47 That's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 34 A good, honest interview.

Speaker 57 It's so much easier than people think. Both parts, really.

Speaker 144 The stand up, be real. That's what we tell everybody.

Speaker 35 The interview, answer honestly.

Speaker 172 It's such a testament, the difference between...

Speaker 172 People trying to blow up their answers and just being real.

Speaker 59 It's so funny picturing you two in the same room like

Speaker 68 here.

Speaker 131 Can you hear me?

Speaker 164 What did you guys talkie about?

Speaker 96 It was at the secret show every Thursday, and yeah, we were just like, hey, you're gay, I'm gay, we're all gay.

Speaker 150 Yep, that sounds about right.

Speaker 82 Yep, sounds about right.

Speaker 90 Well,

Speaker 31 ladies and gentlemen, Hans, you've done it again.

Speaker 63 An amazing minute and an unbelievably compelling interview.

Speaker 33 One of the biggest legends in the history of the show.

Speaker 63 He is is at Madison Square Garden on August 15th.

Speaker 47 One more time for Hans Kim, everybody.

Speaker 67 From Walkie Talkie to the mighty Heidi.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 134 Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Speaker 142 Make some noise for Chris Cilio.

Speaker 135 Chris Cilio.

Speaker 124 Oh shit. All right.

Speaker 95 Fuck, I hope this is real.

Speaker 89 What a hilarious prank that would be.

Speaker 13 Chris, it's your big break. It's kill Tony.

Speaker 89 It's an empty warehouse.

Speaker 100 Nobody's here.

Speaker 155 Oh, shit.

Speaker 89 All I did before I went blind was jerk off and play video games.

Speaker 89 And then God was like, that's enough.

Speaker 89 Yeah!

Speaker 13 I give you a gift and you wasted it, son.

Speaker 89 I'm going to let you guys know a little secret. I do it all again tomorrow.

Speaker 13 I wouldn't have changed a goddamn thing dude

Speaker 89 give it up for my roommate for bringing me out here dude

Speaker 89 he's a way better roommate my last roommate sucked he just didn't really care about personal space he would always hang out in my room yeah

Speaker 89 so every time I'd go to jerk off I'd have to be like hello

Speaker 100 Is anyone there?

Speaker 13 Which, by the way, if you ever hear me say hello, is anyone there?

Speaker 13 You have about 30 seconds before I start jerking off.

Speaker 13 Wow.

Speaker 13 You should say something, all right?

Speaker 155 Or else it's on you, not me.

Speaker 89 I don't want to hear about it in the papers later.

Speaker 13 Guy who kind of looks like Louis ZK does exactly what Louis ZK did.

Speaker 134 Chris Celio, can I cut you off?

Speaker 47 I'm the other way, buddy. I'm over here.
Shit. Shit.

Speaker 54 Unbelievable set.

Speaker 25 Unbelievable set.

Speaker 25 Wow.

Speaker 26 Incredible, Chris.

Speaker 81 I find it all so amazing.

Speaker 70 I can't believe that you think you look like Louis C.K.

Speaker 67 More like Louis can't see K.

Speaker 144 I loved every single thing about what happened here with you tonight.

Speaker 80 How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 81 10 years.

Speaker 51 10 years.

Speaker 134 Holy shit. Where are you from?

Speaker 89 Miami.

Speaker 59 You still live in Miami?

Speaker 95 I just moved here.

Speaker 53 Wow, congratulations.

Speaker 75 How recently did you move here?

Speaker 37 Two weeks.

Speaker 34 Is this your first time signing up for the show?

Speaker 176 No, no, I've been here every week till you got me.

Speaker 104 So two weeks?

Speaker 21 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 84 Wow.

Speaker 150 Amazing.

Speaker 137 I love it.

Speaker 150 I love it, Chris.

Speaker 81 How old are you?

Speaker 89 29.

Speaker 6 29.

Speaker 80 So you started at 19?

Speaker 45 Yes, sir.

Speaker 170 And when did you go blind?

Speaker 89 About six months before that.

Speaker 6 Really?

Speaker 7 You went blind at 19?

Speaker 176 I was 18.

Speaker 89 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 52 And so what exactly happened?

Speaker 89 I had a fuckload of retinal detachments, which is something that usually UFC fighters get. Yeah.
But to me, it was a small Chinese boy.

Speaker 4 Wait.

Speaker 69 What does that mean?

Speaker 112 A small Chinese boy sucked your eyeballs out of your...

Speaker 4 What happened?

Speaker 176 My friend in high school is just fucking with me and

Speaker 176 tossed tossed his high school transcripts at me.

Speaker 89 Just an envelope full of papers nailed me in the eye.

Speaker 176 Next day I was blind.

Speaker 89 I already had lost one eye before that.

Speaker 6 And we're still friends, guys. Relax, all right? Okay.

Speaker 100 He drives me around sometimes.

Speaker 77 Wow.

Speaker 20 That's more dangerous than anything.

Speaker 24 You're probably the better driver out of the two of you.

Speaker 37 This is incredible because you lost an eye before that.

Speaker 3 How did you lose the eye before that?

Speaker 89 Same thing, just a bunch of retinal detachments, but I was like, this one's going good. Nothing's going to stop me on this one eye.

Speaker 158 And then he threw that, his bright future sealed mine.

Speaker 128 Wow.

Speaker 30 Is it thyroid issues?

Speaker 118 Is that what you're doing? No, no.

Speaker 89 The retina is like in your eye.

Speaker 95 It's the thing that...

Speaker 126 From thyroid that happens, thyroid disease.

Speaker 20 No, no.

Speaker 34 Our senior health correspondent, Brian Redband,

Speaker 115 taking a chance, trying to relate thyroid issues to retinal detachments.

Speaker 103 He's who you look like, by the way.

Speaker 175 Not Louis C.K.

Speaker 41 But the joke still works.

Speaker 37 Chris,

Speaker 37 so,

Speaker 134 you know, blind at 18.

Speaker 170 So have you, like, had a real job or anything?

Speaker 36 What do blind guys kind of do?

Speaker 168 I don't, I had a job for a while.

Speaker 93 Uh-huh.

Speaker 89 Wasn't that good at it?

Speaker 118 What was it?

Speaker 89 I worked in like an office at an operator.

Speaker 6 Race car driver.

Speaker 6 I was a crane operator.

Speaker 89 Dude, I worked at a non-profit where they helped people find jobs and they couldn't fire me.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 22 Right.

Speaker 89 As bad as I was, they were like, nah, we'll just let them.

Speaker 141 You probably couldn't find your cane. How could you find someone in a job?

Speaker 164 Incredible, Chris.

Speaker 114 So

Speaker 114 what else do you do?

Speaker 152 Like, what are your hobbies?

Speaker 59 What are you into?

Speaker 89 I like to go to music festivals and do drugs.

Speaker 6 Oh, fuck yeah.

Speaker 110 Absolutely.

Speaker 66 Incredible.

Speaker 52 What's the most fun you've ever had at a music festival?

Speaker 172 What are your favorite drugs?

Speaker 81 All of them.

Speaker 110 Okay, help them.

Speaker 128 Prevably at once.

Speaker 89 No, acid mushrooms. Everything that somebody has told me will make me see something, I've put in my mouth.

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Amazing.

Speaker 80 What exactly do you see when that stuff happens?

Speaker 52 Like, I mean, I'd imagine that you still see stuff in your dreams, am I right?

Speaker 89 I can still see in my dreams, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 69 And it's completely black other than that?

Speaker 89 Other than that, yeah, even on all the psychedelics, like it all, it's it's great. I love psychedelics.
It feels like all of my senses are turned up to 11, except for sight that's still on zero.

Speaker 73 Like,

Speaker 89 it does, I don't get any visuals with psychedelics.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 52 You don't get visuals on psychedelics.

Speaker 176 No, no, I've done all of them.

Speaker 147 Wow.

Speaker 110 Incredible.

Speaker 66 How about Love Life?

Speaker 83 Have you ever been on any blind dates?

Speaker 114 So stupid.

Speaker 134 So stupid.

Speaker 105 But win in Rome.

Speaker 7 Women Rome.

Speaker 69 By the way, may I say, D-Madness, I've never seen him more on the edge of his seat during an interview.

Speaker 67 It's the first time he's ever been genuinely interested in anybody in the last 250 episodes of this show.

Speaker 88 Clearly bias.

Speaker 89 They told me to tap him up. I was like, I don't know where he is.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 36 It is incredible.

Speaker 51 Chris Celio.

Speaker 144 So what's it like?

Speaker 173 Do you date Blind Guy?

Speaker 110 How does it work?

Speaker 176 It's tough, you know, like I'm on the apps, you know?

Speaker 89 My bio just says blind comic, see the possibilities.

Speaker 128 Love it.

Speaker 89 And I swipe right on everybody.

Speaker 4 Has it worked? Like,

Speaker 52 give us an example of what going on a date with you is like. I find this all so intriguing.

Speaker 176 I had a girl take me to an art exhibit.

Speaker 100 What a bitch!

Speaker 13 Really? She just tried really hard to describe things to me that I couldn't care about.

Speaker 53 God, that is so fucking funny.

Speaker 36 It's crazy.

Speaker 68 Wow.

Speaker 134 My goodness.

Speaker 114 So what else, Chris?

Speaker 52 Now that you're here in Austin, what are your goals?

Speaker 134 What do you want?

Speaker 89 To do this, man. I want to do this here.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 89 Like when I first went blind, like I had always wanted to be a comic, like even before I went blind, but I kind of forgot about that when just doing a bunch of surgeries and things like that.

Speaker 89 But when I went blind, I was just sitting at home in the dark listening to like Kill Tony and shit. So ever since then, I wanted to fucking do this.

Speaker 176 You know, like this is a huge moment.

Speaker 176 Woo!

Speaker 16 OG belly room kill Tony, dude.

Speaker 89 Say that again? OG belly room kill Tony.

Speaker 168 Wow.

Speaker 59 Amazing.

Speaker 104 Well, Chris, it has come full circle for you, my friend.

Speaker 52 Even though the lineup is out of control nowadays, so many fucking talented regulars and people in the rotation, I have to say that I want to see more of you.

Speaker 52 And having you sign up regularly would just be a tremendous hassle for you and for everybody else.

Speaker 69 So let me be the first and only one that matters to tell you that you are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here on Kiltonia.

Speaker 19 Everyone's on their feet, Chris.

Speaker 55 They're going crazy.

Speaker 62 And I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Boom.

Speaker 26 There he goes, ladies and Chris, step up to the mic one more time real quick there.

Speaker 65 How do you feel right now? It's right to your right.

Speaker 28 Jesus, worst handler ever.

Speaker 6 What are you blind to, asshole?

Speaker 20 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 56 Look at fucking,

Speaker 27 we saw Tony Pepperoni earlier.

Speaker 56 It was fucking Tommy Salami.

Speaker 66 What the fuck is this guy?

Speaker 62 Look at this fucking gagoots over here.

Speaker 73 Holy shit.

Speaker 56 Chris, how do you feel?

Speaker 13 Fucking amazing, man. Thank you so much, dude.

Speaker 47 Absolutely. Welcome to Austin, Texas.

Speaker 35 You're an amazing talent, and we're looking forward to having you on.

Speaker 8 And you got a standing ovation.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Yeah, the place went nuts.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 99 And that girl in the front row showed her tits.

Speaker 85 Yeah.

Speaker 19 Chris, throw that mic in the mic stand.

Speaker 144 You're part of the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 16 They're going to get your number and information back there.

Speaker 33 Congratulations.

Speaker 63 Another one.

Speaker 55 The squad continues to grow.

Speaker 26 grow.

Speaker 26 Wow, that's so cool, yeah.

Speaker 34 That was cool. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh?

Speaker 15 Back to the bucket we go. As you see, or can't see,

Speaker 144 anything can happen here on this show.

Speaker 57 It goes from funny to compelling to heartfelt to terrible to amazing.

Speaker 177 Attention, all small biz owners. At the UPS store, you can count on us to handle your packages with care.
With our certified packing experts, your packages are properly packed and protected.

Speaker 177 And with our pack and ship guarantee, when we pack it and ship it, we guarantee it. Because your items arrive safe or you'll be reimbursed.
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Speaker 177 Most locations are independently owned. Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.
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Speaker 49 Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

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Speaker 49 Make your next cocktail with Tito's, distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas, 40% alcohol by volume, savor responsibly.

Speaker 15 Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Keegan Carmichael, everybody.

Speaker 140 Make some notes for Keegan Carmichael.

Speaker 179 My dad would always tell me, alcohol will never fix anything.

Speaker 95 Then why did you carry beer in your toolbox?

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 179 Yeah, you didn't think I noticed.

Speaker 179 Hey, I've been doing comedy. Comedy is tough.

Speaker 59 As a comedian, I haven't gone on the road, but I'm pretty close to being on the street.

Speaker 180 Hey, I wish a story really did come with two sides because

Speaker 86 I would love to read a book with mashed potatoes and coleslaw.

Speaker 168 Hey, what'd you enjoy about Huckleberry Finn?

Speaker 96 The gravy.

Speaker 179 Hey, are you hungry?

Speaker 84 Cool.

Speaker 95 Let's go to the library.

Speaker 129 All right, thank you.

Speaker 41 Keegan Carmichael.

Speaker 103 The

Speaker 87 some people are already calling him the

Speaker 31 Keegan, let's just jump right into what literally 100%

Speaker 123 of the people in the room are thinking.

Speaker 23 Are you aware that in every single way you're doing a Mitch Hedberg impression?

Speaker 179 I get reminded every day.

Speaker 36 Is that on purpose or like accident?

Speaker 20 Is this how you are in real life?

Speaker 181 Yeah, it's weird. Like,

Speaker 168 people DM me like that question.

Speaker 179 Like, is that how you are?

Speaker 171 Yeah, I don't.

Speaker 34 I don't know what you want me to tell you.

Speaker 31 So, you were like this, and that was your sense of humor, and then you saw Mitch Hedberg, and you're like, whoa,

Speaker 6 what the f what are the odds?

Speaker 141 I used to impersonate Mitch Hedberg. I still do.

Speaker 3 I mean, the look, the everything,

Speaker 6 every single thing, the delivery, the joke style.

Speaker 31 Are you a super fan of his?

Speaker 179 No, my favorite's actually Dimitri Martin.

Speaker 5 Dimitri Martin? Now I know you're kidding.

Speaker 15 That's literally nobody's favorite.

Speaker 130 I just love the way he rips the paper off the pipes.

Speaker 15 Geegan, who are you in real life? What do you really like?

Speaker 124 I'll just...

Speaker 96 I just...

Speaker 157 Couple of beers in the park and read a book, man.

Speaker 36 How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 95 A little over two years.

Speaker 59 And has it always been like this?

Speaker 111 You from Seattle, Portland?

Speaker 131 Where are you from?

Speaker 160 No, I'm from Illinois.

Speaker 52 Illinois.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 131 Okay.

Speaker 112 What do you do for work?

Speaker 179 I door dash on an e-bike. You what? I door dash on an e-bike.

Speaker 83 Door dash on an e-bike.

Speaker 36 I hate it when my deliveries are on e-bikes.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 77 It's always smushed around and fucked up.

Speaker 179 Believe me, nobody understands that better than me.

Speaker 128 Yeah, Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 120 It is funny, like your spirit definitely lives on through him.

Speaker 173 Not quite as powerful, obviously, as the late, great, super amazing Mitch Hedberg.

Speaker 116 But I mean, you do kind of got it down.

Speaker 4 You wrote those jokes.

Speaker 131 Yeah. Right.

Speaker 119 Yeah, no, I know.

Speaker 8 Duncan? I was just going to say, it's too bad that they don't need Mitch Hedberg impersonators at kids' parties because you kids.

Speaker 110 I'm sorry.

Speaker 167 It was funny like 20 seconds ago.

Speaker 31 So every time you do a show, anywhere you go, every time you do stand-up, all the other comedians are like, God, this fucking guy's doing a Mitch Hedberg impression, right?

Speaker 166 Some people wait outside the club to like

Speaker 166 say shit to me. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Have you seen Mitch Hedberg's stand-up?

Speaker 179 Yeah, it kind of freaks me out.

Speaker 73 How old are you?

Speaker 179 31.

Speaker 73 31.

Speaker 122 So when's the first time you saw Mitch Hedberg stand up?

Speaker 35 Were you a big fan of his at one point?

Speaker 108 Oh,

Speaker 160 at one point, well, I mean...

Speaker 41 Dude, I was Dimitri Martin.

Speaker 10 What's going on?

Speaker 67 Again, I hear you. That's funny and all.

Speaker 150 But seriously.

Speaker 71 But seriously, we're all like witnessing, like it is like a Mitch Hedberg impression.

Speaker 113 Did you always talk like this?

Speaker 80 Is this how you talk in real life?

Speaker 166 Yeah, Tony, I don't know what to tell you now.

Speaker 110 Okay

Speaker 38 Can you do a Christopher walking impression?

Speaker 166 I don't watch movies man

Speaker 35 Keegan most interesting thing about your life tell us What would we be intrigued to find out about you?

Speaker 52 31 years of experience of being Keegan Carmichael.

Speaker 129 Tell us.

Speaker 166 I have a cast iron pan.

Speaker 93 Do the other part. Go ahead.

Speaker 6 Oh, no, yeah.

Speaker 86 It's cool because you got to take care of it.

Speaker 166 Like, you have a cast iron pan, you have a responsibility, you know?

Speaker 32 Like,

Speaker 32 like,

Speaker 137 like, come, you know,

Speaker 179 Like a lot of girls now, they're dog moms, but you know, not me.

Speaker 179 I'm the father to a pan.

Speaker 57 What else, Keegan?

Speaker 77 Tell us something else interesting about you.

Speaker 179 Dude, door dashing on the bike,

Speaker 93 that's a fucked up world.

Speaker 38 I have trouble sometimes because I fall a lot like like

Speaker 86 I don't like the Texas cheerleaders

Speaker 86 because I was going really fast and they were on the sidewalk and so I fell into the ditch and I'm laying on the ground and she looks over me she's like is your bike okay

Speaker 179 And then like the lime scooters, they're in the way too.

Speaker 166 You know, to me, a Texas cheerleader is like a lime scooter.

Speaker 126 I'd probably have to pay to ride you, but I just prefer you get out the way.

Speaker 56 Keegan,

Speaker 63 fun times.

Speaker 57 Here's a little joke book, my friend.

Speaker 7 There he goes.

Speaker 98 Keegan Carmichael.

Speaker 131 It's kind of like

Speaker 36 blasphemous what he's doing.

Speaker 81 It's awful.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 45 Like he has good jokes.

Speaker 176 He could just do them like different, like his own self.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 149 Like literally acting right now.

Speaker 35 Yeah, and looking like him's kind of crazy, too.

Speaker 18 Anyway,

Speaker 80 we have any sage. Can we sage the room? Yeah.

Speaker 130 Never really saged.

Speaker 15 Never saged the kill Tony stage before, but that one kind of creeped me out.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 6 All right.

Speaker 57 You guys good?

Speaker 67 Everybody good?

Speaker 55 This guy's leaving.

Speaker 63 He's seen enough.

Speaker 147 This guy's pissed.

Speaker 139 This guy's pissed off.

Speaker 40 Make some noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 134 It's Mike Gleason, everyone.

Speaker 124 Mike Gleason.

Speaker 132 How's it going?

Speaker 152 A lot of my friends say that I'm really hard to get gifts for.

Speaker 88 I don't think it's that hard to hop online and Google things to get for people with yellow teeth.

Speaker 88 That was an incredibly fake smile.

Speaker 149 Sorry about that.

Speaker 100 I'm from Chicago.

Speaker 99 I'm in the dating scene here, which is pretty good.

Speaker 152 Took a chick out the other day, which is awesome.

Speaker 182 Opened up the car door for her and she's like, look at this.

Speaker 119 Chivalry's not dead. I'm like, easy, bitch, my door sticks.
I got to climb in first.

Speaker 7 All right.

Speaker 6 Chivalry, I don't know if you're cold.

Speaker 182 The window works just fine.

Speaker 119 But that's awesome.

Speaker 162 Really big fan of these Ven, these Waymos out here you guys got.

Speaker 155 They're pretty cool.

Speaker 88 It brings back the childhood and me.

Speaker 92 I used to throw snowballs at cars, which is pretty fun.

Speaker 182 But now I feel like you could just throw anything at these things and you're feeding all these like vegans that are like hanging out in the streets doing yoga poses and stuff.

Speaker 118 All right, that's it.

Speaker 123 Okay, Mike Gleason.

Speaker 25 Fuck yeah. All right.

Speaker 25 Welcome, Mike.

Speaker 31 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 132 It's kind of weird.

Speaker 119 I started in like 2001, and then I kind of quit. And I really liked the show, so I kind of moved out here and kind of restarted it.

Speaker 113 How long ago did you move to Austin?

Speaker 119 On Easter, 4:20.

Speaker 2 4:20.

Speaker 66 Perfect. Fuck yeah, dude.

Speaker 4 What do you do for work?

Speaker 119 I haven't found a job yet.

Speaker 164 Okay, what's your plan?

Speaker 81 What are you good at?

Speaker 151 Stealing Cadillac converters?

Speaker 92 converters?

Speaker 6 No.

Speaker 15 Where are you from?

Speaker 148 Where were you at before?

Speaker 100 Chicago, construction.

Speaker 162 Chicago, construction. Yeah.

Speaker 28 This is what construction guys look like in Chicago?

Speaker 7 I guess, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 104 Have you looked for a job in construction here?

Speaker 82 I have, yeah. How's it going?

Speaker 162 Not bad. I kind of actually turned down a few jobs, which is weird, but I just wasn't catching a vibe.

Speaker 10 I don't know. Okay.

Speaker 116 How much money do you have saved up?

Speaker 30 Quite a bit.

Speaker 91 Like what?

Speaker 162 A lot that I don't want like my poor friends to reach out to me.

Speaker 98 I mean, do you really need a number?

Speaker 119 It's not a lot anymore, but it was enough to get me out here.

Speaker 119 I'm doing the Hans Kim thing, living in a trailer.

Speaker 42 Nice.

Speaker 81 Nice. You have a bed in it?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 66 Like a little bed?

Speaker 152 I got a purple bed.

Speaker 36 Nice. Look at that.

Speaker 20 Very good.

Speaker 4 You're doing good.

Speaker 147 purple you're doing good okay so what do you do for fun mike when you're not doing stand-up i like to frisbee golf uh people watch is a huge thing for me yeah people watching is fun again yeah fentanyl's out trump stopped fentanyl crack is back

Speaker 53 people watching is more exciting than ever there was nothing fun about that fentanyl phase that we went through under the biden administration and now crack is back thanks to the reigning defending president of the United States, Donald Trump.

Speaker 69 And 300 people just shut the show off right then.

Speaker 150 I don't know if you guys heard that, but that's what they do because they literally can't hear that without losing their mentally ill minds.

Speaker 28 Mike Gleason, tell us what the most interesting thing about your entire life is.

Speaker 80 It's our first time meeting you.

Speaker 52 Might as well spill the beans.

Speaker 1 I'm an overshare.

Speaker 99 I like to overshare.

Speaker 4 Why don't you start right now then?

Speaker 88 Yeah, all right. Uh, fuck it.

Speaker 162 Uh, how I got my money.

Speaker 119 Uh, I worked for Tesla and got the shit kicked out of me for actually being the only one there who knew how to do shit.

Speaker 88 Uh, they like hired everybody out.

Speaker 152 Like, I, dude, I mean,

Speaker 81 I would not buy a Tesla or any of their products.

Speaker 182 They're horseshit.

Speaker 6 I know, sorry.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 6 You don't want to hear that, but engineer shit or what kind of shit?

Speaker 168 Dude, it was like I was the only roofer there and there was not a pitchfork in sight.

Speaker 90 And I was like, what? What's going on?

Speaker 66 You were a roofer?

Speaker 6 Yeah, solar roof, I did.

Speaker 118 Okay. Solar roof.

Speaker 6 And like red dance.

Speaker 75 Are you at my house?

Speaker 119 No, but do you know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 3 Yeah, he has a solar roof.

Speaker 77 He makes money off of it.

Speaker 166 Yeah, I sell it back.

Speaker 24 But yeah, I could tell what you're saying.

Speaker 118 I know what you're talking about. Yeah.

Speaker 182 It's like that we were doing jobs and they were like, they didn't like check out where the sun went.

Speaker 162 And then we put it on and there was like a huge house behind it and it's blocking all the sun. So we went back like eight times and they're like, like, yeah, no, it's definitely the install.

Speaker 149 And I'm like, no, it's the guy who designed it.

Speaker 162 Like there's a huge house blocking the sun.

Speaker 6 Okay. Yeah.
So,

Speaker 182 so I got a lot of money from him because there was a dude there who also did Cedar Shake Roof.

Speaker 182 Beat the ever-living shit out of me.

Speaker 159 Like, I was with my hands up, like, I'm 40 years old. I like this job.

Speaker 168 I don't want to, I don't want to lose it.

Speaker 83 You know, like, beat you up?

Speaker 95 He beat the crap out of me.

Speaker 28 Like, punched you in the face, kicked you in the ribs, the whole thing.

Speaker 50 The whole thing, dude, he took my helmet off and smashed it off.

Speaker 119 Like, if you get my phone, I think i have my

Speaker 119 like you could read what like tesla sent me everything that all the dudes wrote and it was hilarious like they're like he was a

Speaker 162 pussy and all this shit and then he they slammed the helmet off of my head like everything that this guy said he kept saying solar panels need sun

Speaker 180 Well, I was getting suggested to getting shut down all the time.

Speaker 116 And they beat the shit out of you.

Speaker 6 One guy did.

Speaker 114 Right.

Speaker 69 So, but you made a bunch of money because of that?

Speaker 81 Well, I fucked up my hand in the fall,

Speaker 119 and then, like, I don't know, the chick who did the surgery left some metal in there.

Speaker 149 I was like wolverine for a little bit, and then they took three bones out.

Speaker 51 So, like, the settlement, I got a hefty chunk of change.

Speaker 112 A hefty chunk of change. How much

Speaker 37 again, just

Speaker 81 can I tell you how much is left?

Speaker 119 Yeah, it's probably funnier, sure, like 20 bucks.

Speaker 133 Okay,

Speaker 6 I'm buying leather jackets, it's in the middle of the summer.

Speaker 119 Like, I'm not spending well.

Speaker 52 Wow, you had a female surgeon, yeah, and she left meddling.

Speaker 152 She was pregnant, too.

Speaker 119 Pregnant chicks hate me. Sorry to interrupt you.

Speaker 31 Why do pregnant chicks hate you?

Speaker 37 I don't know.

Speaker 162 They just smell my like

Speaker 6 singleness and never settled down.

Speaker 81 I don't know. They just hate me.

Speaker 84 All right.

Speaker 8 Pregnant chicks hate me.

Speaker 7 My co-workers hate me.

Speaker 21 The sun hates me

Speaker 19 you ever think it might be you mike could be yes

Speaker 108 could be all right

Speaker 110 uh

Speaker 80 any crazy accomplishments you ever win a trophy for anything

Speaker 11 uh

Speaker 162 yeah uh used to be a good swimmer

Speaker 102 First place

Speaker 21 work

Speaker 34 fun times, Mike.

Speaker 40 Sign up again. We'll see you again.

Speaker 34 Mike Gleason, everybody.

Speaker 16 Oh, shit.

Speaker 15 Oh, that's his fucked-up hand.

Speaker 144 He really does have a fucked-up hand. I saw the book bounce off of it right off the steel plate.

Speaker 80 One more time for Mike Gleason, everybody.

Speaker 163 All right, we're coming around the corner here.

Speaker 34 Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Speaker 65 We're gonna keep it moving along.

Speaker 67 It's Derek Spadey, everybody.

Speaker 105 Derek Spadey.

Speaker 170 I recently dated a girl with an ego so big that she would yell out her own name in bed. It used to mess with me because it wasn't a very feminine name.

Speaker 143 Like, who names their daughter Rape?

Speaker 26 Let's get to some personal stuff.

Speaker 170 All right, when I was six years old, I told my parents I figured out that I was adopted.

Speaker 143 My mom was like, who told you? I was like, who told me? My sister's Asian. What am I? One of the slow kids.

Speaker 170 Even at age six, you know two whites don't make a wong.

Speaker 45 And then after the divorce, they just like gave up on parenting.

Speaker 126 Like, I don't know how to do anything right.

Speaker 170 I kill so many house plants, I call my home plant parenthood.

Speaker 159 If it hasn't been three months and I don't like the name, I'm yanking it out of that pot.

Speaker 170 Speaking of which, my girlfriend thinks I don't want plants because she caught me throwing seeds away in the shower one time.

Speaker 143 This isn't true. I love plants.
I want plants very much, and I would love my plants no matter what.

Speaker 170 Even if they turn out to be transplants.

Speaker 170 All right, you guys have been great. I appreciate you.

Speaker 4 Derek Spadey.

Speaker 26 Hi, Derek. You been on this show before?

Speaker 110 No, not before. Okay.

Speaker 52 You just look like everybody that's been on this show before.

Speaker 38 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 31 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 135 About five years. Five years.

Speaker 134 You from here?

Speaker 176 No, I'm from Portland, Oregon.

Speaker 129 Portland, Oregon.

Speaker 51 Okay, there it is.

Speaker 37 I felt Portland energies earlier, and this is why I felt it, because you were coming up.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 3 How long have you lived here?

Speaker 170 So I'm here for about a month just doing stand-up. I got an Airbnb.

Speaker 82 Nice, just visiting. visiting.

Speaker 52 Is this your first week signing up? Yeah.

Speaker 4 Look at you, you lucky fuck.

Speaker 127 I know.

Speaker 36 Amazing.

Speaker 143 Odds were one in 300, and you nailed it.

Speaker 81 Are you often lucky in life?

Speaker 138 No.

Speaker 137 Right.

Speaker 36 What do you do for work?

Speaker 170 So I worked at a Kroger for the last five years, and now I'm just taking time off as I say.

Speaker 60 Second Kroger shout-out this episode.

Speaker 75 Absolutely incredible. Incredible.

Speaker 170 Almost as good as HEB. When I got down here, I was pretty blown away.

Speaker 168 You be careful.

Speaker 24 You be careful what you say.

Speaker 120 We were raised around Kroger's. We know Kroger's.

Speaker 144 Kroger's not really that close to HEB.

Speaker 80 Have you been to an HEB since being here? Yeah.

Speaker 108 What, one?

Speaker 91 Three?

Speaker 81 Three? Yeah.

Speaker 52 And what types of things did you get from H-E-B?

Speaker 126 The produce is better than the produce I've had in Oregon, which is

Speaker 82 out of this world.

Speaker 51 Did you try anything from the deli meats, perhaps?

Speaker 110 No, not yet.

Speaker 80 Did you try any of the prepared things, like the fully stuffed jalapeno pepper?

Speaker 93 No, Tias? No, nothing.

Speaker 58 Nothing at all. Well, that's where you will find that there is a complete, complete, whole different universe.

Speaker 80 Un-Kroger-like materials at H-E-B.

Speaker 26 The more you try it, the more you take chances, you will find

Speaker 26 HEB reigns supreme.

Speaker 122 Around here we like to say, have you down with HEB?

Speaker 111 Yeah, you know me.

Speaker 144 Nobody's ever said that before, but I said it right.

Speaker 170 Well, in the Pacific Northwest, the Krogers are Fred Meyers. It's not exactly the same as the Kroger's where you're from.
So

Speaker 143 probably a difference that you're seeing. Okay.

Speaker 84 Okay.

Speaker 6 Well, you got the crowd riled up right now.

Speaker 123 One thing you don't want to do is an anti-HEB rant in this room.

Speaker 35 You're going to need Hans's bulletproof X.

Speaker 6 Keep it up.

Speaker 6 What do you do for work?

Speaker 170 So like I said, I worked at Kroger's and then now I'm not.

Speaker 77 What were you doing there?

Speaker 132 Stocking shelves?

Speaker 157 No, I managed one of the departments, the Haba department.

Speaker 143 So it's like. The what department?

Speaker 170 It's like the cosmetics, the shampoo, all that kind of stuff. Ew, bo.

Speaker 10 Bull, lull, dude.

Speaker 57 Worst part of the grocery store.

Speaker 4 No doubt about it.

Speaker 8 I hope you guys never stop talking about grocery stores.

Speaker 56 Well, I'll tell you.

Speaker 148 Rid of Meyers.

Speaker 20 You don't like grocery store talk, Duncan?

Speaker 6 You have a whole family? I love it.

Speaker 167 Everyone loves it. Everyone loves grocery store talk.

Speaker 15 What's your favorite aisle?

Speaker 115 Look at you two fucking grocery store hating-ass guests I have here tonight.

Speaker 6 I hate them.

Speaker 167 I hate H-E-B.

Speaker 147 Duncan. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 12 Duncan.

Speaker 139 Fucking worst grocery store

Speaker 47 For those of you just listening to the podcast, Ian and Duncan were brutally shot

Speaker 47 live in the room.

Speaker 120 Luckily, it was by Chris Celio and D-Madness who hit the ceiling multiple times and Duncan and Ian ran out of the room.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 135 Derek, most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened or that you've ever done that we would find compelling here, the millions and millions of people watching right now.

Speaker 143 I've won a couple film festivals for claymations.

Speaker 84 Oh,

Speaker 41 wow, claymation.

Speaker 52 What types of things were you making out of clay?

Speaker 170 So I do like a tavern that has like mobsters and monsters, and I had a bunch of short sketches that did okay.

Speaker 82 Very nice. Where can we find this work at?

Speaker 170 If you YouTube Bad Banana Studios or Bad Banana Clay's Tavern, it should pop up.

Speaker 110 It's been a while since I posted stuff, yeah.

Speaker 84 Bad Banana,

Speaker 161 straight to fat banana.

Speaker 120 Very interesting.

Speaker 14 Very interesting how you spell banana.

Speaker 136 Banana, according to Red Ban, is B-A-N-N-A-N-N-A.

Speaker 146 For those of you that have your how retarded is Red Ban bingo card out, that is four N's in the word banana.

Speaker 104 Ladies and gentlemen, this is who I've worked with side by side every Monday for 12 years, and I have never once shot myself in the head.

Speaker 6 Anyway, very cool.

Speaker 80 You must get all the claymation pussy.

Speaker 4 How's that going for you?

Speaker 170 I mean, it's so time-consuming. You basically spend all your day in a room.

Speaker 165 I do have a girlfriend, though, so.

Speaker 118 Nice. What does she do?

Speaker 170 She also works at a Kroger?

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 105 If you work in the cosmetics aisle, I must know what section of the grocery store does your girlfriend work in?

Speaker 170 She took over for me when I left.

Speaker 25 Wow.

Speaker 52 So she's in cosmetics. Is she still in Portland?

Speaker 126 Yes.

Speaker 52 So you're here and she's in Portland, but it's only for a month.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 129 Wow.

Speaker 172 Incredible.

Speaker 52 What do you miss most about her?

Speaker 118 Well, so her pussy hole, right?

Speaker 150 The answer.

Speaker 56 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 4 Go ahead.

Speaker 94 It's so weird because it's like a professional job, right?

Speaker 20 Colbert's out there getting fired.

Speaker 4 And meanwhile, I'm like, what do you like?

Speaker 22 Her pussy hole?

Speaker 108 And I'm like, thriving.

Speaker 57 It's crazy, right?

Speaker 56 Doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 170 Go ahead. She's really funny.
For instance, the other day after we had sex, I was like, man, we should figure out some more activities to do. I'd love to do some art together.

Speaker 170 And she goes, I thought we just made art.

Speaker 179 Pretty funny.

Speaker 36 Guess he had to be there.

Speaker 30 Okay.

Speaker 4 You had a good set, right? We like Derek.

Speaker 26 Here's a big joke book, Derek Spadey.

Speaker 16 Congratulations.

Speaker 26 You were on Keltoni. You're here for another month.

Speaker 19 Sign up again.

Speaker 53 Congratulations. There he goes.

Speaker 111 Make some noise for Derek, everyone.

Speaker 67 And your final bucket full of the night.

Speaker 21 Ooh la la.

Speaker 183 Olivia loves a challenge. It's why she lifts heavy weights

Speaker 183 and likes complicated recipes.

Speaker 183 But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia. She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.
Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 183 You were made to take the easy route. We were made to easily package your trip.
Expedia, made to travel. Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

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Speaker 40 Make some noise for Trent Richards, everybody.

Speaker 16 Trent Richards.

Speaker 181 So, my wife, she's been telling me for a while that I need to watch this Gypsy Rose documentary.

Speaker 181 And so, eventually, I finally caved in. I watched it.
If you don't know, Gypsy, she suffered from munch housing by proxy.

Speaker 181 Her mom, she fabricated a bunch of diseases for her and pretty much kept her imprisoned in her own home. Didn't let her go anywhere.
So, eventually, Gypsy got tired of it.

Speaker 181 She went online, she got a little retarded boyfriend, and well,

Speaker 181 they both ended up going to prison because he stabbed her mom to death to set her free.

Speaker 181 That story was so crazy to me, it blew my mind because it had me sitting there thinking: 34 years, well, doesn't much housing by proxy mean eating pussy from the back?

Speaker 7 It's my time.

Speaker 22 Okay,

Speaker 29 Trent Richards, a 55-second long setup

Speaker 4 for one punchline.

Speaker 42 Hell yeah.

Speaker 109 Eating pussy from the back.

Speaker 10 All that information for one little fucking dink.

Speaker 35 Okay, how long you been doing stand-up, Trent?

Speaker 1 Two years.

Speaker 6 Two years. Where at?

Speaker 126 Fort Worth.

Speaker 108 Fort Worth.

Speaker 53 Would you consider that joke your best joke?

Speaker 52 Or was that something you're like working on recently?

Speaker 157 No, I've been working on it.

Speaker 181 I have more jokes, but the documentary came out eight years ago.

Speaker 29 And

Speaker 53 all that information you give, it's all just for the eating pussy from the backside thing.

Speaker 57 The payoff is there.

Speaker 20 Literally, I looked.

Speaker 77 It was just 55 seconds.

Speaker 31 You hit the landing at 56.

Speaker 28 Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 8 I was actually

Speaker 8 very absorbed into your setup. I mean that.
Something about you, I don't know, it caught my attention.

Speaker 8 It's like watching a southern one-person show. Like a really sad one-person show.

Speaker 8 You know what I mean? Like, it's like an act.

Speaker 17 He's an actor.

Speaker 8 Like, you really, like, if there was some nice...

Speaker 8 Like, if he redid that in Red Band, you played, like, the Civil War soundtrack.

Speaker 70 That's a good idea. I actually like this idea.

Speaker 130 Look up some.

Speaker 131 Yo, watch, just watch.

Speaker 8 Don't even do the punchline.

Speaker 31 Actually, when we have the band play something, you guys have like any is there a way to do generic like Civil War music?

Speaker 11 Like uh,

Speaker 141 but you have to do it like my dear gypsy rose.

Speaker 26 Nice and easy, nice and easy, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 41 Here he is. Do it again.
Trent Richards.

Speaker 6 So my wife,

Speaker 85 she's been telling me for

Speaker 181 many years now

Speaker 181 that there's this Gypsy Rose documentary

Speaker 181 and that I might just need to sit my white ass zone down and

Speaker 32 give it a view

Speaker 33 And so I did

Speaker 30 I thought about it

Speaker 34 And after some

Speaker 181 mighty long viewership.

Speaker 14 All right, I'm going to stop you there. That was fantastic.

Speaker 32 Trent, what do you do for work?

Speaker 1 Deliver groceries.

Speaker 90 Whoa.

Speaker 135 Here we go.

Speaker 135 Billion dollar question coming at you.

Speaker 142 Billion dollar question coming at you.

Speaker 80 What kind of groceries do you deliver?

Speaker 85 H-E-B. Yeah!

Speaker 85 Fuck you dunking!

Speaker 4 Fuck you Duncan!

Speaker 88 Fuck you dunkin'! Fuck H-E-B!

Speaker 147 Fuck you dunkin'! Fuck you dunk!

Speaker 56 Son of a bitch!

Speaker 8 H-E-B sucks!

Speaker 155 Whoa!

Speaker 21 Whoa!

Speaker 47 Still hurts every goddamn time.

Speaker 181 Wow. Them there fighting words, Duncan.

Speaker 133 How long you been delivering H-E-P?

Speaker 181 Since I moved to Austin, so about five months.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 83 What's your favorite thing about delivering H-E-P?

Speaker 181 The rich people in West Lake.

Speaker 90 You're goddamn right.

Speaker 120 Big tippers, right?

Speaker 117 You're goddamn right.

Speaker 66 Hell yeah.

Speaker 114 Absolutely. Fucking lootly.

Speaker 72 The booming economy here in Texas, you gotta love it.

Speaker 52 Craziest order situation that you've ever had.

Speaker 51 Any odd moments delivering groceries?

Speaker 52 You ever get out in West Lake and you end up in one of those gated gated communities and fucking shit gets a little weird some dude answers the rope with his fat throbbing hard cock hanging out of

Speaker 60 out of his robe or something like that

Speaker 6 nah i had a tranny open the door one time with no clothes on wow that's exactly the type of answer i was looking for not in westlake that was a gift

Speaker 57 so what did you see exactly what type of uh what type of uh

Speaker 120 what type of junk was there what'd you see a dick so it was like a woman with a dick?

Speaker 181 Well, if you call it that, but it had a dick.

Speaker 181 Wow.

Speaker 120 Amazing.

Speaker 106 What was the address?

Speaker 57 Amazing.

Speaker 116 I thought you said you deliver HEB, not HIV.

Speaker 120 That's incredible.

Speaker 90 All right, Trent.

Speaker 20 Well, fun times.

Speaker 173 We got through it.

Speaker 42 That's for sure.

Speaker 36 Here's a little joke book.

Speaker 77 Sign up again and do a different bit next time.

Speaker 63 Munchausen by proxy, 55-second setup for one. Eating pussy from the back punchline gets you a little joke book.

Speaker 117 All right, final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 134 Make some noise for Mars Martian, everybody. Mars Martian.
Okay.

Speaker 171 I don't know. I'm feeling cute.
I might come later.

Speaker 168 Yeah, with a fist full of cocoa butter

Speaker 5 in the mirror.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 60 I don't know, guys.

Speaker 159 Anybody ever break a long nofap streak by beating every side of your dick raw?

Speaker 152 That's a question for the ladies.

Speaker 148 I spent the 22 days NOFAP just so I can Indian burn all the cum out of my body for 45 minutes.

Speaker 159 I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I defeated NOFAP.

Speaker 171 Looking like I beat my dick for three and a half miles. Got fucking dick splints.

Speaker 159 I don't know. It's like I was running a cum gauntlet.

Speaker 100 Ladies don't know what I'm talking about, but

Speaker 152 every lady.

Speaker 40 somehow the most racist moment of the show a noise by Redband playing the jungle bird

Speaker 20 for Mars Martian that sound is called jungle bird before you think I'm dropping a slur the button is called jungle bird

Speaker 120 Hi, Mars Martian you did it again.

Speaker 52 You've been on the show a few times before it's always pretty much much an absolute embarrassing bomb fest.

Speaker 58 And yet you've done it again, chuckling your way through a set about completely jerking off Ian Fidance, our senior jerk-off correspondent.

Speaker 57 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 151 Most of your set was talking about no fat, but most of it made me no laugh.

Speaker 83 Mars, remind us, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Speaker 159 25 months, two years, two years plus.

Speaker 111 Okay, and what do you do for work?

Speaker 171 Oh, god damn it. I spend a lot of money financing my comedy career.

Speaker 35 How do you make the money?

Speaker 171 No, it was savings.

Speaker 157 No, now I just do a lot of art stuff.

Speaker 171 I'm just constantly out here with my camera. Just I got a studio at the house.
I'm just playing.

Speaker 50 I'm just playing make-believe.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 151 And where is your brother Diddy Kong right now?

Speaker 28 New most racist moment of the show.

Speaker 175 The crown weighs heavy for Ian Fidance with the absolute Donkey Kong reference out of nowhere.

Speaker 77 What's the most racist thing anybody's ever said to you, Mars Martian?

Speaker 100 There's not.

Speaker 108 No.

Speaker 110 Okay.

Speaker 141 I mean there's just so many things.

Speaker 171 There's an array of things I've been called throughout my existence.

Speaker 46 You know what I mean?

Speaker 73 Ah, yeah.

Speaker 171 You call me something right now. What you got?

Speaker 107 Oh, I know what I want to call you right now.

Speaker 4 A Waymo home, am I right?

Speaker 55 All right, Mars, get out of here. There you go.

Speaker 104 It's Mars Martian, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 107 Completely unbearable.

Speaker 26 100% unbearable.

Speaker 115 Anyone whose first response to to every question is

Speaker 117 can burn in hell.

Speaker 27 It's all cruise control from this point, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 55 Let's face it, an unbelievable episode.

Speaker 133 It all started with the youthful young legend Heath Cordes. Who can forget the stylings of Tony Pepperoni?

Speaker 38 We flew through Ian Simon's annoying set.

Speaker 81 Mark Fitz, the

Speaker 11 rebel out of Pittsburgh, the curly-toed bandit.

Speaker 105 Jimmy Copteros, Hans Kim was with us.

Speaker 47 The golden ticket was won by Chris Celio tonight in an unbelievable performance.

Speaker 6 We literally had a sociopathic young Mitch Hedberg pretending like he didn't know that he was doing a Mitch Hedberg impression.

Speaker 71 Mike Gleason,

Speaker 52 Derek Spadey, Trent Richards, and Mars Martian, which means

Speaker 3 if I can say there's only one one way to end an episode like this.

Speaker 144 This man, some people say, is Jesus Christ's favorite comedian.

Speaker 3 He recently performed at the Roman Coliseum to a sold-out crowd at 3 in the morning.

Speaker 117 Some people call him the vanilla gorilla.

Speaker 131 The Memphis Strangler.

Speaker 105 The talk space tycoon.

Speaker 6 The Opus of OpenPhone.

Speaker 7 The Tyrant of Tacobas.

Speaker 85 This is the big red machine.

Speaker 11 William Montgomery.

Speaker 180 So they announced there was no Epstein list and for some reason Red Band started crying tears of joy and screaming, free at last, free at last.

Speaker 167 Thank God Almighty, we free at last.

Speaker 169 A woman from Thailand filmed herself having sex with a bunch of Buddhist monks over a three-year period and blackmailed millions of dollars out of them to keep quiet about it.

Speaker 180 Bangkok indeed.

Speaker 180 Hey, Red Band, remember that boy band 98 degrees?

Speaker 13 Yeah, that's 98 more degrees than your dumbass ever got in college.

Speaker 145 Fucking idiot.

Speaker 180 Y'all ever heard of the band Yes? Well, the band Yes is coming to town, and I saw a recent photo of them, and that'll be a no.

Speaker 110 Okay, that's right, John.

Speaker 54 Unbelievable.

Speaker 14 The man who has done it more than anyone.

Speaker 17 More minutes, more interviews.

Speaker 35 The talk space tycoon, the opus of open phone, and the tyrant of Tacobas, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine, William Montgomery has done it again.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 39 Very impressive.

Speaker 134 Two deep red band references.

Speaker 41 98 degrees.

Speaker 35 I haven't heard about them in a while. Is that true?

Speaker 57 That was so funny.

Speaker 95 That was a good one.

Speaker 6 Yeah, because you have what?

Speaker 101 Zero degrees, right? Yeah.

Speaker 41 Works, right? Didn't you get a degree?

Speaker 22 I'm teaching a few math classes away.

Speaker 145 Wow. But yeah, I think you dropped out or something.

Speaker 148 No, I got hired because I was the only one that knew how to make websites back in 96.

Speaker 4 That sounds made up. That sounds stupid.

Speaker 88 What? So that's why you failed out of college, you idiot?

Speaker 85 Because you only knew how to do websites?

Speaker 145 I don't even know what that means.

Speaker 30 But Tony, it's really nice to be here.

Speaker 116 So fun, the dynamic between you two, I must say.

Speaker 31 William, so much fun. How are you doing?

Speaker 45 I'm doing wonderful. And Tony, I went

Speaker 106 with Tony and David and Ari to Canada this past weekend, and it was wonderful.

Speaker 169 It felt like old times. It was great.

Speaker 45 Tony was so sweet.

Speaker 169 He let me stay on his couch so I didn't have to get a $500 hotel rental.

Speaker 25 I really did.

Speaker 122 So a little fun fact, and again, I love the behind the scenes on this episode, is

Speaker 123 he was going to share a room with Hans.

Speaker 35 I may have mentioned many times that both Hans and William are shockingly cheap.

Speaker 30 You're shader room. I only had to bin my Hans 40 bucks.

Speaker 180 That's not bad for a hotel up there.

Speaker 66 Wait, what?

Speaker 50 I only had to, it only was going to cost me $40 to stay with Hans.

Speaker 52 Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 138 Why? I mean, growing up.

Speaker 80 Again, the amount of money you guys are making is criminally insane to not buy your own hotel room.

Speaker 80 But a fun fact is that since we found out that Hans forgot his passport in Denver, William started panicking when we got picked up in Canada.

Speaker 117 Oh, man, I don't even have a room.

Speaker 30 I'm like, what do you mean you don't have a room?

Speaker 36 He's like, I was going to share a room with Hans and it was under Hans's name.

Speaker 6 I don't know what to do, Tony.

Speaker 82 You know, the whole thing.

Speaker 145 You let me stay on your couch, I think you did.

Speaker 6 And I did.

Speaker 47 I got to hear you breathe at one point in the middle of the night.

Speaker 4 I could hear him breathing.

Speaker 31 It wasn't a snore. It was more like an open-mouth, like,

Speaker 57 it was actually quite nice.

Speaker 47 It helped me fall back asleep.

Speaker 120 I'm like, oh, it's a sweet noise.

Speaker 57 White noise. Yeah, it was.

Speaker 58 It was like white supremacy noise.

Speaker 144 So, yes, we had a lot of fun.

Speaker 47 Big fun gig in Edmonton, Canada.

Speaker 51 What stood out to you, William?

Speaker 90 Perfect.

Speaker 68 So

Speaker 77 what else is going on in your life, William?

Speaker 52 What have you been doing to pass the time lately?

Speaker 87 You always have fun hobbies.

Speaker 45 Still just rowing.

Speaker 169 I'm up to 874 miles since January. I cannot stop doing that.
I'm getting faster. I'm getting stronger.

Speaker 106 I'm getting more confident on the erg.

Speaker 169 It's a lot of fun. I see Michael Gonzalez in there all the time.

Speaker 180 And I also saw our man over here.

Speaker 45 Really Jack.

Speaker 95 You don't remember his name, do you?

Speaker 35 Do you not know the guitarist's name?

Speaker 36 John Dee's. He's been.

Speaker 77 Are you talking about John Dees or Matt Muelling?

Speaker 45 Yeah, John. John.

Speaker 101 Oh, but I was talking about Matt.

Speaker 90 Oh, there you

Speaker 180 all right why'd you try to make that awkward I knew your name Matt I knew your name

Speaker 70 let's see how jacked are you let's see a quick flex Matt Muelling

Speaker 32 whoa

Speaker 74 wow

Speaker 85 Matt mussels muling over here absolutely Tony I knew Matt's name dude you definitely the record will show.

Speaker 180 Matt, I knew your name.

Speaker 73 I know you knew my name.

Speaker 128 Okay, okay.

Speaker 65 It definitely seemed like you didn't know his name.

Speaker 47 I gotta let you know.

Speaker 120 Like, you may have known his name, but it seemed like you didn't know his name.

Speaker 140 Why don't you name everybody up here real quick?

Speaker 33 Why don't we go? Why don't we go from this side, this side down?

Speaker 54 We're gonna start over here.

Speaker 56 So go ahead.

Speaker 26 The guy's name that you knew was

Speaker 14 and this is John Dean. And this, of course, is

Speaker 45 and you, we know that you know

Speaker 180 Dude, we got Michael Gonzalez?

Speaker 4 Yep.

Speaker 133 And welcome to the hard part.

Speaker 110 Here we go.

Speaker 6 Got my man Carlos.

Speaker 4 You know his last name?

Speaker 180 What is your last name, Carlos?

Speaker 20 Well, you can't ask.

Speaker 30 Okay, okay.

Speaker 180 And I love both of y'all, but I can't think of y'all's names.

Speaker 162 Seriously, it's nothing personal. I swear to God.

Speaker 6 Fur.

Speaker 22 Fur.

Speaker 85 What are y'all's names?

Speaker 21 Fur.

Speaker 3 Fernando.

Speaker 76 Okay, there's some definite cheating going on over there.

Speaker 120 I just heard the whole name being said.

Speaker 84 And Raul.

Speaker 25 Oh, very good.

Speaker 90 Wow.

Speaker 4 Absolutely in awkward.

Speaker 6 Good job.

Speaker 57 Little fun fact, William started sweating, physically sweating during that part.

Speaker 36 Not during this set.

Speaker 180 I knew when I got down over there, I was fucked.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 11 I knew I was bought.

Speaker 180 Even though I'm always not, it's always so sweet to see y'all. It's not always nice to see y'all.

Speaker 4 I get just bad at names and stuff.

Speaker 82 Yeah, it's okay.

Speaker 122 We see how you feel about the Latinos.

Speaker 59 Very good.

Speaker 34 Very much fun.

Speaker 31 What else is going on, William?

Speaker 45 Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 169 Tony, I was in Toledo last Saturday, and I get picked up, and the flights are all fucked up on Saturday.

Speaker 106 And then I get picked up by Lyft, and it's an hour drive from the Detroit airport to the comedy club.

Speaker 45 And about five minutes into it, the guy starts doing this little cough.

Speaker 169 And I start thinking, oh my gosh, this guy's sick, but I don't think too much of it. I'm just generally stressed.

Speaker 45 And about 20 minutes later, I'm looking at the guy, and his head is bobbing down like he's falling asleep. Oh, my God.

Speaker 45 And about 10 minutes after that, we're right beside an 18-wheeler, and I see the guy's head going down, and I see my eyes flash before my eyes.

Speaker 161 And I'm like, oh, my gosh, well, hopefully, you can take a nap after this. It looks like you're sleepy.

Speaker 106 He's like, yeah, I've been doing it since 4 a.m., so I'm tired.

Speaker 45 But I've made it.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 128 Wow.

Speaker 63 Yeah.

Speaker 69 If you would have crashed in that situation and died,

Speaker 45 what would you have thought?

Speaker 123 What would have been your first words

Speaker 169 to Jesus up in the gate?

Speaker 175 Yes, when you got to heaven. Tell us.
What would have been?

Speaker 145 Lord, you knew I believed in your ass.

Speaker 45 I pray to you every night.

Speaker 45 I was pretty sure I was going to go to heaven, but I was a little worried just because of things that I do in my life.

Speaker 101 I'm generally pretty good, but I just look up at the light.

Speaker 15 You're talking to God.

Speaker 145 But thank you so much, Jesus.

Speaker 169 Again, you heard my prayers every night. You helped me out.

Speaker 45 I'm so happy to be here. Let's go in.
Show me around.

Speaker 145 Let me see where I'm living.

Speaker 45 I gotta, hopefully, it's a cool spot or whatever.

Speaker 101 But

Speaker 169 thanks so much. So happy to be here.

Speaker 69 I was gonna be God, but let's just skip ahead.

Speaker 180 And Duncan, I'm with you, dude.

Speaker 45 I can't fucking stand H-E-B.

Speaker 30 I never thank you, Randall.

Speaker 147 Oh, yeah!

Speaker 147 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 79 Wait a second.

Speaker 73 Hold on.

Speaker 26 I'm getting word.

Speaker 53 I'm getting word that if you would have crashed, you actually would have ended up in hell.

Speaker 147 So, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 15 So, go back to the light.

Speaker 122 And now you're burning in hell, but Jesus is like, hey, do you want to

Speaker 71 the red spot I'm gonna hand for Kino back there on the lights we've never even seen a red spot light before didn't know it was possible okay now you have to negotiate your you're begging the devil to let you out no it's no it's the devil now you're trying to convince the devil that you want to get out of hell devil here's the deal I grew up going to church.

Speaker 101 I'm confirmed in the Episcopal church.

Speaker 169 I prayed every night. You can ask Jesus about it.
I talk to his ass every night. This is a horrible mistake.

Speaker 145 I get it. Your actions are louder than your words.

Speaker 101 And that's always what I was worried about because I'd pray a lot, but then I'd think, uh-oh, well, you're doing this bad stuff on the side.

Speaker 145 Jesus can see everything. And so here I am, and I'm just saying this is a giant mistake.

Speaker 45 Please get me up out of here.

Speaker 169 I need to get out of here now. I'm not staying here.

Speaker 5 Unfortunately, when you were on earth, you talked shit about the H-E-B.

Speaker 110 So you must stay here and burn forever.

Speaker 83 If you did find out that you were going to eternally burn in hell, would you ever stop trying to big your

Speaker 124 William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again.

Speaker 33 Talk space open phone, the tyrants of Tocovas,

Speaker 15 calm He's going everywhere Columbus Orlando make some noise for our guests

Speaker 34 and finance is on tour and finance calm and and finance comedy on YouTube He's going to Chicago Irvine Oxnard He's IANIMAL 69 again one more time for Duncan Trussell as well talk space open phone Tocovas the drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 142 Ebelt is in and it is absolutely unbelievable just a reminder the band's playing New York City Blue Note right after the Madison Square Garden shows August 18th on that Monday night.

Speaker 148 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Speaker 124 Oh, Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 144 After only two appearances, has left such a mark on the show that Chris is already drawing him.

Speaker 124 Incredible.

Speaker 115 I'm at Madison Square Garden, August 15th, right the night before we do kill Tony.

Speaker 14 At Madison Square Garden, Columbus, August 29th, Baltimore, September 12th, Fort Lauderdale, September 19th, Raleigh, September 20th, and Phoenix, September 27th.

Speaker 144 How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Speaker 25 Red band.

Speaker 148 Check out the SunsetStripATX.com secret show every Thursday.

Speaker 30 We love you all.

Speaker 124 Thank you so much, everybody.

Speaker 12 Thank you. Good day.

Speaker 12 Thank you.

Speaker 48 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 48 Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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