#730 - IAN FIDANCE + DUNCAN TRUSSELL

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get up for Tony and Scream.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Fuck yeah, make some nuts your Brian Red band, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh my god.

And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land?

Raul Velejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Huebos Rancheros,

and the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen.

They call him Big Mike.

Some people are saying that he grows inches every week.

Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys.

And live in the flesh.

Let him hear you, the one and only D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh

my god, this episode is brought to you by Talkspace, Open Phone, and Tocovas.

We have a bunch of other amazing sponsors as well.

Here's a little bit more from them.

This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew.

Guys, enter the room dick first.

Blue Chew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch.

Stronger, harder, longer lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership.

Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex.

Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Blue Chew.

Discover your options at Blue Chew.com and we've always got a special deal for our listeners.

As always, get your first month of Blue Chew free.

Just use PromoGo Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping.

Wow, that's it.

Join Blue Chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time.

Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info and big thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments.

It's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows.

Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you.

Visit blinds.com now for up to 50% off with minimum purchase plus a professional measure at no cost.

Rules and restrictions apply.

I get so many headaches every month.

It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.

Botox, autobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine.

It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month.

Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor.

Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms.

Alert your doctor right away, as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk.

Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck, and injection site site pain, fatigue, and headache.

Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness.

Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection.

Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lugerig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

Why wait?

Ask your doctor.

Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-Botox to learn more.

Right now.

Are you guys really ready to start tonight's show?

I'm telling you, it's about to go down every single week.

And we're really doing it, Red Band.

Oh, I forgot to mention this is the first episode that we've ever taken.

12 years and two months of doing this show non-stop, never missed a Monday release.

This is the first time in our history, right now, and it might only last one week, in which we are actually the number one podcast in the world.

So, very exciting.

A wild, wild accomplishment.

Don't tell the guy that owns the club.

But this week we are the number one podcast.

Oopsie Daisy.

Sorry, boss.

We're all best friends.

It's all very exciting.

Speaking of best friends, I booked two on tonight's show.

An absolute legendary episode ahead of us.

Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best to ever be on this show.

You're here.

You're lucky.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for our guests.

The return of Duncan Trussell and Ian Fidence.

Yeah.

Ian Fidance.

Duncan Trussell.

Oh yeah.

It's going down.

It is going down.

We have fun every Monday.

You guys have done this show before.

Very exciting.

Here we are, absolutely thriving in Showbiz, unlike Stephen Colbert, who no longer is employed.

Jimmy Kimmel is next.

They will all fall in line and bend the knee to me, the new young king.

And my guests are Ian Finance and Duncan trestle this week duncan was my first ever favorite comedian in the world live 18 years ago i saw him for the first time at the comedy store special appearance at the end by the great another hall of fame uh nominee guest uh lil hobo uh yeah yeah thank you yeah little hobo how's he been uh

not great man uh

You know, he after the last

appearance here,

you know, he's already addicted to drugs.

But after the last appearance, he spiraled into heroin addiction.

Spent some time on the streets.

And yeah, he was just in like a really horrible Waymo accident.

Wow.

Well, prayers up to the great little hobo.

Thank you.

A ventriloquist doll that has the soul of an aborted baby in his heart, right?

You know, man,

I just have to say this.

Like,

when somebody is in a deep, deep drug spiral, they say things like that.

And yeah, he did claim to have an aborted fetus in his heart.

And

hell, Satan.

Ian Fidance also here.

Hi, Ian.

Welcome.

Duncan Trussell's going to Australia, Columbus, and Orlando.

Duncantrussell.com.

he and Fidance on Tori and Fidance.com, and he's on social media at

I-A-N-I-M-A-L-6-9.

Good luck rewinding that and following him on Instagram.

IANIL.

IANIL.

6ix9ine.

He's going to Chicago, Oxnard,

and what the fuck did I write?

Irvine.

That's what it says.

Hi, Ian.

Hi.

Welcome back.

You guys have both been on the show multiple times.

You know how it works.

Over 300, I do believe, right around there, people signed up.

True, truly insane.

The amount of humans that are in this bucket.

It's absolutely crazy.

Names are falling out.

If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts their set.

And then I conduct an interview with them.

We find out everything about them.

They go from being a comedian for a minute to a guest on a podcast.

Absolutely out of nowhere.

Anything can happen.

The whole thing's improvised.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

I'm gonna let one of these great Puerto Rican boys pull out the first name.

Look at that.

A true, the brown hand of a man.

Oh,

that's a funny looking name.

We'll see if that's a real human.

And in the meanwhile, we are going to start the show with one of our esteemed golden ticket winners, ladies and gentlemen.

We don't get to see a lot of this guy very often because it's not easy to write a new minute of comedy every week.

He was very, very new and green when we found him.

And here he is giving us a brand new minute.

Ladies and gentlemen, a fan favorite, an adorable species unlike anything we've ever seen before.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for the return of golden ticket winner Heath Cordes, everybody.

Here we go.

Oh,

I moved to Texas about two years ago, and before I moved here,

I was living with my grandma, and I liked living with my grandma a whole lot, but I had to move out.

It was time.

I had to move out.

Because, you know, me and grandma, we would fight.

Me and grandma, we would

tussle, you know?

Like she was a baker.

She liked to bake like cookies and cake and brownies and everything that was good.

And I liked it a whole lot, and I would eat it up too fast.

And she would tell me how it pissed her off.

And she would say, stop doing that.

It pisses me off.

And I tried.

I tried to control myself, but I didn't have any self-control.

And she knew that.

She knew I didn't have self-control, but she still made the sweets.

She was like a pimp feeding crack to her bitch.

I'd have to beg for cookies.

I'd beg, I'd say, please, please.

And she'd say, shut up.

No, I didn't do that.

I didn't.

It's just a joke.

She's a homophobe.

I didn't suck her penis.

She's a.

All right, thank you.

All right.

Heath Court is a

very interesting set.

A lot to unpack there.

Yeah.

A lot to unpack.

What do you think a homophobe is?

No, my grandma, she was one of the first transgenders.

You know,

she has a penis, but she's a homophobic grandmother with a penis

Heath

you're out of your fucking mind little

Out of his mind that's exactly my favorite genre of porn

Old grandma tussling

No homophobic grandma with a penis.

Oh, yeah,

I love that

Yeah, my grandma, she has a site.

I'll give you her website.

Great.

It's a it's a porn website for you to jerk off to.

What?

Dude, I already jerked off to your grandma.

Under the table.

I am hard as a rock, though.

That is...

It's rare comedians can mix eroticism with such great jokes.

What the fuck is real?

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm a little confused.

Just to make sure your grandma doesn't have a dick, right?

No, she doesn't have a dick.

It's a joke.

I'm sorry, guys.

Did you guys ever fight?

No, we didn't fight too much.

Did she bake at all was anything real heath no did you even like cookies i loved her cookies i loved her cookies ian i loved her cookies that wasn't the thing she did make me feel guilty for eating the cookies and that's where the art came from you know

i love it heath let's talk about real life for a second um you're a little bit of a rock star around these parts right you work at the mothership like five nights a week at least and you're always around you're doing shows all around town everybody knows heath cordis the little legend yeah it's fun on 6th Street.

It makes me feel pretty cool.

Yeah, speaking of which, I was given a little bit of information that you might not know that I know.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I was shown.

I was shown video.

I believe it was Saturday night.

Breaking news.

Breaking news.

I was shown a little video on Saturday night, and someone said to me, one of the managers here goes, ooh, you know about your boy?

Uh-oh.

And I

No, and which boy?

And they go, little Heath, the boy, the boy, the true boy, the one true youngling.

And they showed me a video of them carrying you and throwing you in the backseat of an Uber.

Because what happened there, Heath?

Tell us exactly what went down.

I got pretty drunk.

I got pretty drunk, and I thought I went home.

I remember the Waymo trip, and I thought that I went directly home, but apparently I went to Mitzi's in between

and

I got carried out of Mitsy's by a security guy and I pissed myself in the Waymo.

Wow.

Wow.

That's Waymo than we needed to know.

Wow.

How do you know that you pissed yourself in the Waymo?

Because my pants were very wet the next morning.

The next morning, they were still wet.

They were very wet.

You naughty little boy.

Wow.

What exactly do you

how much do you have to drink to get that drunk?

What is that, a full can of beer or something?

What puts you in that type of place?

No, I'm getting good.

I'm getting good at it.

Like, it was at least eight or nine drinks that night.

Oh, my God.

What's going on with you, buddy?

Do you feel okay?

You're just having fun.

You're 2

now?

I've never felt better, Tony.

Wow.

Look at you, you fucking little party machine.

How old are you?

I'm 23.

I just had my birthday.

23.

You don't look a day over 11.

It's incredible.

And you've been drinking a lot like that, or was that like a special thing?

It happens a little too much.

What do you think about that?

What are we thinking?

You think you might have a little problem?

I might have a little problem.

A little problem for a little guy.

That's adorable.

Come on.

That's adorable.

Who needs grandma's cookies when you can have a glass of straight whiskey?

Amen.

I'm not going to go through the 12 steps.

I'll go through the 12 stools.

Are you drunk right now, Heath?

I'm a little buzzed.

What have you been drinking?

What is going on over here?

Someone put a little white claw in your baba?

Yeah.

Someone put a little, dip your pacifier in some whiskey?

They did.

Yeah.

I know, if they did whiskey, I'd throw up.

I can't do whiskey.

Of course.

I just do jello shots.

Okay, no, seriously.

What do you really drink?

Like that night that you pissed yourself in a Waymo, what did you really drink?

Yeah, like limit drops and gay shit, like wind, jello shots.

Really?

I don't think I'm gay, but like I drink gay.

That's okay.

That's okay.

Nothing wrong with that.

Wow.

Amazing, Heath.

Well, I mean,

I love it, you know.

Me and all my friends, we all grew up at the comedy store.

You know, it was our college experience, and it's fun to get to watch you go through, look at you hitting a vape pen up here.

Like, you can't, like, I'm not about to send you off.

He's just got to show off.

Oh, yeah, I'm a real, I'm a real boy.

Just a vaping boy.

Can't wait 15 more seconds for that hot hit of vape.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

But we love you, Heath.

It's so fun to watch you grow

physically and

mentally here here at the mothership.

We love you, you young buck.

You're on your way to wild success.

Can I champion one thing on the show real quick?

Please.

Sure, he.

I had a threesome.

Whoa, okay.

Hold on, hold on.

Hold on a second.

Hold your fucking horses.

Now we got something to talk about.

Now we got something to talk about.

Yes, black power, Absolutely.

Holy whoa, whoa, Heath.

Whoa, whoa, no, don't do that.

Heath, God damn it, stop doing that, Heath.

Don't do that, you little rabble-rouser.

Settle down.

Settle down, you crazy bastard.

Jesus Christ.

Trying to get away from the whole Nazi thing.

God damn it.

Fascist Tony Hinchcliffe has 11-year-old Nazi

training the Hitler youth over here.

He looks like the kind of genetic freak Hitler was trying to get rid of.

Damn.

Let's talk about this threesome, or as many people are calling it already, a two-and-a-half sum.

What happened?

How did it go down?

Let's talk about it, Heath.

It was a very hot lady who had an OnlyFans account.

And I made out with her like a year ago.

Uh-huh.

And I wasn't supposed to do that because I was dating somebody at the time.

Whoa.

And so, like, ever then, she's been like totally hot for me, you know.

Uh-huh.

And

it didn't work.

I was going to put on a mustache, but it didn't work.

Pick it up, Mohan.

You can pick it up.

Pick it up, Heath.

You have another shot at this.

I don't know what you're doing, but.

Okay.

Did the adhesive stay on the other side of it?

Okay, let's skip the mustache.

Let's get back to the person.

Wow,

can you just, real quick, just for my own super confusion,

why were you gonna put on a mustache there?

It was supposed to be like a metaphor about how I'm a man now.

Oh,

okay.

Well,

God has his own very funny sense of humor.

God's like,

no way, bitch.

Okay.

Flag on the play.

All right.

So let's talk about this threesome.

Yeah.

So it happened.

So it happened.

It was with a very high lady, and we met at the strip club.

Hold on, Heath, let me tell you.

We got the hot lady part.

For it to be a threesome, there has to be one more.

There was another one.

It was her friend.

I don't remember her name.

I don't know her name at all.

It was just her friend.

Can't interject.

Dude, you're going to get sex traffic, man.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Serious, you can't fuck around, dude.

There's no one easier to traffic than somebody you can fit in your glove compartment.

You got to be careful.

I know.

I got to be more careful.

Thank you, Duncan.

His threesome was just him and a baby bjorn while two people fucked.

So Heath, take us through it.

How does it go down?

You're at a strip club?

Is that what you said?

I met her at the strip strip club.

Yeah, and then and then we went to her place.

Uh-huh.

And I don't remember a whole lot of it, but I do remember that both of them did stuff to my penis.

You were molested.

This is

what this is what a show this is, right?

One second he's doing Nazi salutes.

The next he's admitting to being molested.

All to start the show.

So, you just that's your that's what you remember?

That's what I remember, Tony.

Do you remember anything else?

Were your pants wet the next morning?

Yeah, they were a little wet.

Yeah, they were a little wet.

Did they film it?

You said it was OnlyFans.

I sure hope they didn't film it.

Oh my god, it was her OnlyFans.

Nope.

Nope.

Any other details about it that you remember?

No.

Did they mess with you?

I didn't feel like shame the next day.

You felt shame?

Yeah.

Imagine how they felt.

What the fuck did we do last night?

They felt nothing.

Just rare stripper guilt.

The rare

SG.

All right.

The show has begun under the unbelievable control of Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen.

Great job.

And now we go to the bucket.

You guys know this is the part where things can get a little bit wacky because we're meeting people.

Anything can happen.

A lot of these people's hearts are beating out of their fucking chest because minutes before they have no idea that they're going up.

And all of a sudden, now they're on the biggest comedy show in the world.

This looks like a fake name, but I'm going to read it anyway.

We're going to see what happens here.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the name goes by Tony Pepperoni.

Oh my god, it's Tony Pepperoni!

Hey, it's amia, Tony Pepperoni!

Hey, what do you call it when the right brothers do 9-11, the wrong brothers?

A mamma mia.

When I say mamma mia, you say papappia, mamma mia, papa!

Hey, what's a fat lady's favorite computer, Adele?

A momo miyo.

Hey, guys,

anxiety is like vaping.

Just because you're not ashamed of it doesn't mean it's not gay.

A momo miyo.

What was that?

Say some racist jokes?

Okay.

Hey, What do you call a Chinese guy with a lot of money, Cha-Ching?

What do you call an Italian with herpes?

Tony Pepperoni.

Tony

Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

Unbelievable.

Welcome to the show, Tony Pepperoni.

You absolutely destroyed.

This is incredible.

We've never had anything quite exactly like you on the show before.

While your name is Tony Pepperoni, you are also wearing a shirt covered in pepperonis.

You took the approach that Heath should have taken to a fake mustache.

Just gone straight duct tape.

None of this fucking just regular padding bullshit over here.

And for some reason, why not?

You're wearing a chef's hat that even chefs don't ever actually wear.

It's just basically a costume.

Tony Pepperoni, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Five years.

Oh, wow.

Look at that.

Oh, my God.

How long have you been experimenting with the Tony Pepperoni character?

Three years.

All right.

Two years in and you're like, I need to try something else.

Did you notice an improvement when you made the big switch to Tony Pepperoni?

Huge improvement.

Huge.

People love Tony Pepperoni.

Now, where have you been doing this at?

Austin.

Oh, you've lived here in Austin the whole time?

Yes, sir.

This is where you're originally from?

Yes, sir.

Wow.

Amazing.

Amazing.

So,

Tony, Mr.

Pepperoni, if I may,

what do you do for work exactly?

I'm unemployed.

What was the last job that you had?

I worked in tech.

I was a tech broker.

Okay, up until when?

How long have you been unemployed for?

Eight months.

Eight months?

Holy shit.

I mean, what's your plan, Tony Pepperoni?

I got to sell some t-shirts.

If anybody wants to go on my Instagram, I'm selling t-shirts.

Are they Tony Pepperoni t-shirts?

Yeah.

Well, you're about to sell out.

What's your Instagram?

Tony Pepperoni Comedy.

Wow, Tony Pepperoni Comedy, ladies and gentlemen.

Support Tony Pepperoni.

We love Tony's and we love Pepperonis.

Incredible.

How many t-shirts have you sold up to this date?

Zero.

Wow.

Amazing.

We would expect nothing less, nothing more.

That is the over-under at draftkings.com using the promo code KILL TONY.

So so let's talk about it tony uh what do you do for fun

uh

sometimes i make rap beats

like on a computer at home yeah yeah on a computer at home you don't do it with your mouth or anything well sometimes i i rap really yeah wow

i mean guys i mean i don't care if you say it's not good you're wearing a chef's hat you have duct tape on your face a pepperoni shirt and you crushed your set michael give us a little light beat tell him the beat that you want, Tony Pepperoni.

A slow beat.

Hey, give me that spotlight.

Yo.

Put your hands in the air.

Put your hands in the air.

When I say mamma mere you say I papa beer

Mamma Mia

Mamma Mia

Yo, see ya, I wouldn't want to be ya Cause you ain't the one the one that's wearing pizza That's me Tony P

P E double P R Oni Ain't no phony ain't no baloney It's cheese and pep cheese and pepperoni

Check my Insta buy a shirt and get to know me

Wow.

I'm getting reports in my ear that that is one of the most prolific raps in the history of the show.

Some people are saying, oh, they're also saying that you just said pepperoni five times.

It's absolutely incredible.

Wow.

What's your real name?

Anthony.

So you really are a Tony?

Yes, sir.

Wow.

Wow.

Incredible.

Absolutely amazing.

Is there anything else crazy we should know about your life, Tony Pepperoni?

I used to work in the sewers.

Used to work in the sewers?

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Absolutely amazing.

Red man on the ones and twos.

No better time for a Italian stereotype than Tony Pepperoni telling us that he worked in the sewers.

What exactly did you do in the sewers?

Mostly I crawled in the sewers and I got all the big rocks out of the way.

Wow.

Okay.

Amazing.

Wow.

That is incredible.

Was there anything else that you did other than move big rocks out of the way in a sewer?

Did you have any other responsibilities at all?

I've never heard of an actual Italian doing anything like this in the past 150 years.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so there's we had to inspect the sewer pipes with a camera.

So I would lower the camera in and then pull it back out.

Wow.

Very good.

Very good.

Pulling out is exactly what you should be doing, Tony Pepperoni.

But I'm going to tell you what, I loved your minute.

I loved the interview.

I loved everything everything about it.

It's completely insane, but I like it.

Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen, has started the show, started the bucket,

and we have pure momentum going into bucket pull number two.

Absolutely incredible.

One more time for Tony Pepperoni, everyone.

Oh

my god.

Oh

my god.

Speaking of pepperonis,

the lovely Heidi lady.

How about a hand for Heidi, everyone?

One of the backbones of our squad here.

This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew.

Guys, enter the room dick first.

Blue Chew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch.

Stronger, harder, longer-lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk in a gym membership.

Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex.

Speaking of better sex,

Tony, I think Blue Chew is providing some of the best ED treatment out there.

Sometimes I take a Blue Chew just to make standing in line easier.

It gives me something to lean on.

Yeah.

Let's face it, Tony.

This ain't a supplement.

It's an erection resurrection.

We're really doing it, Red Ban.

And guys, this isn't just about performance.

This is about legacy or third legacy.

Give our group chat something to talk about.

You know, when you lay it down and they're talking about how it gets up, nothing makes you more of a legend than a little blue chew.

Discover your options at bluechew.com and we've always got a special deal for our listeners as always get your first month of blue chew free just use promo godonia checkout and pay five bucks for shipping wow that's it join blue chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time head to blue chew.com for details and safety info and big thanks to blue chew for sponsoring the podcast Guys, this podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.

You know, it can be overwhelming to have too many options.

Figuring out which TV shows to stream or deciding what to wear in the morning, it can just be too much.

Well, the same applies if you're a business owner who's hiring.

It can be overwhelming to have too many candidates to sort through, but you're in luck.

ZipRecruiter now gives you the power to proactively find and connect with the best ones quickly.

How?

Through their innovative resume database.

And right now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash killtony.

Tony, I think ZipRecruiter is the best hiring site out there.

ZipRecruiter resume database uses advanced filtering to quickly hone in on the top candidates for your roles.

See See a candidate you're really interested in, you can unlock their contact and vote instantly.

It's no wonder ZipRecruiter is the number one rating hiring site based on G2.

The number one rated hiring site based on G2.

Skip the candidate overload.

Instead, streamline your hiring with ZipRecruiter with four out of five employers who pushed on ZipRecruiter to give a quality candidate within the first day.

Just go to this exclusive web address, zip recruiter.com slash Kiltoni right now to try it for free.

Again, that's ziprocruder.com slash Kiltony.

ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

All right, we're having fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ian Simon, everyone.

Ian Simon.

Make some noise for Ian, everybody.

How the fuck is everybody doing?

This is a great evening.

Glad to fucking be here, guys.

Fucking band.

Amazing.

All right, so let's start off on fucking Jew.

All right.

I'm a German Jew, to be exact, so it's very confusing for me a lot.

Sometimes I'm like, oeve!

The other times I'm like, see Kyle!

It's very confusing.

Hey, I could fucking say it, guys.

Anyway, here's one for you.

What do you get when you cross a Jewish guy?

Nothing?

Christianity.

Bring it back.

Okay, so we have any animal lovers out here?

Everybody loves animals.

You got a fucking dog.

Come on, you got a dog?

Yeah, see, dog's a cat.

You're good.

So,

I got a black cat, black rescue cat.

I named her toothless from How to Train a Dragon.

And let's just say she had teeth when I found her.

I really love me some black pussy.

Speaking of fried chicken, if this doesn't work out well,

I'm going to open up a food truck.

Because every time you want, every time you want Chick-fil-A, it's closed on a fucking Sunday, dude.

Bullshit.

Ian sign.

Whoa, okay.

Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian.

Stick with me over here.

That's it.

That's it, buddy.

That's it.

Your part's done.

Hi, Ian.

You've seen the show before, right?

Not till the end.

Not till the end.

Please turn off before the end.

Okay, but you know.

You gotta see the bad guy die.

Okay, Ian.

Stick, stick.

Ian.

Oh, ADHD is a hell of a drug, Tony.

Okay, well, it doesn't work very well on this show.

You're in the interview part now, Ian.

I need my crutch before I forget.

Harlan Williams gave me a crutch, a silver crutch.

I'm sorry, I should be doing this, right?

Are you supposed to be talking?

You are correct.

Wow.

Somehow your instincts took over there.

Look at that.

Amazing.

Thank you.

Ian, so you've been on the show once before, right?

Yes, sir.

And Harlan was the guest.

What did we learn about you that night?

Bet on damaged goods, pretty much.

But, you know, in a good way.

What way?

Can you explain?

Can you remind us what we learned exactly?

I probably shouldn't be out in public.

Why?

I wish it was something cool like Tourette's or something like that.

It's not.

I'm just borderline retarded.

Okay.

Like, not special needs, but the other retard, the one that used to, before they switched it up and everything went sideways.

You know, we could just be like, that's retarded.

That motherfucker's a fag.

Can you please change your name to not Ian?

Please?

Perhaps something like

that.

Perhaps something that rhymes with a pizza topping or something like that.

Oh, like mamma me and the papa peas.

There you go.

Yeah, you got it, Ian.

Diarrhea.

Hey, killing yourself.

Yeah.

Hey, oh!

Ian, how long you been on stand-up?

About a year and a half, two years.

What do you do for work?

Nothing at the moment.

Thank you for asking, though.

We touched on it last time.

I had a disability for 20 years because I'm all fucked up.

How'd you get fucked up?

It's been a run of interesting serious.

Can you just name some of the things about it?

Yeah,

car accidents,

adrenaline junkie crap.

Just run the mill.

Driving your car.

Driving his car into protests.

Yeah.

I've been known to hit a protest or two on the way to Circle K or 7-Eleven.

Okay, Ian, we're going to keep it moving.

You got a little joke book last time you were on?

Fuck no, I didn't.

I got a crutch.

You got nothing.

You got nothing last time.

No, no, I got a silver crutch.

I could see why you got nothing last time.

You know,

I was in ER twice for my legs.

Here, catch this.

Catch that.

There he goes.

Ian Simon, everybody.

There he goes.

There he goes.

Ian Simon, everyone.

He's leaving now.

There you go, Ian.

There he goes.

There goes Ian Simon, everybody.

One more time for Ian, everyone.

There he goes.

Hell yeah.

There's a vibe tonight.

Anything can happen on this show.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Mark Fitz.

Mark

Fitz.

You know how Transvestites do that thing where they tuck their dick and balls between their legs and make it look like they might have a pussy?

I was wondering, what do old transvestites do with all that saggy, stretchy scrotum skin?

My knees are shaking.

Oh, that saggy scrotum skin hanging out of these.

Someone told me they stuff it up with grass, what I heard.

And I thought, I was high, and I thought, what the fuck would they do if they farted with that giant skin bag inside there?

They'd blow a giant fucking balloon out there.

Then I thought, man, what if they ate like a fuckload of beans and just put some E.

coli into it?

Man, they could work up a massive fucking forehead.

He could unwedge his fucking G-string and take flight like a fucking hot air balloon, man.

My legs are shaking, man.

He could go on to be the next giant hairy scrotum float in the next gay pride parade, man.

That's something for an old trendy to put on his bucket list, ain't it?

Short tag, quick and funny.

Parade floats bust open sometimes.

If that scrotum float was to bust open, that would rain down come all over those f ⁇ ing like manna from the heavens of the great gods.

Gay gods.

Thank you.

That's my time.

Okay, Mark Fitz.

Welcome to the show.

Mark, this is your first time on, correct?

Yeah.

I would remember if you've been on before, and I loved seeing new faces up here.

We like your style, Mark.

What did I do?

You got the boys laughing.

You got everybody laughing.

You did.

We are so relieved after the last comedian.

Believe it or not.

Basically, you're like,

after Ian simon you're basically richard fucking pryor right now we would have laughed at anything and you did

good enough no don't worry about it

uh

don't ruin it now marks just play it cool wait until i ask you a question mark play it cool mark you're doing good duncan trussell uh

i wasn't laughing at your jokes uh

thanks

same

I was laughing because

the only funny part of that to me was when you you kept saying, My legs are shaking.

Yeah, when I did the scroll them thing, I looked down and my knees were okay then, but I went like this, and my knees were like,

See, that's real.

Yeah, everything else is bull.

You,

I don't, I can't imagine that at some point you're like, I wonder what happens if an old trans

you think if they eat beans and shit a fart.

So, let's talk about it, Mark.

You have a very good command of the stage.

You're calm, cool, collected.

How old are you, Mark?

63.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

That's a loaded question.

44 years, but

technically, this is my first time on stage.

All right, explain that to us.

The first time I ever actually did a stand-up act was when I was in 11th grade.

I was in this class.

It was called a speech class.

And every week you had to give a, it wasn't like how to talk,

but it was like, they gave you a speech class.

They taught you every week how to present a, like I do a presentation speech for something, you know?

Yeah.

And the one week it was for do a stand-up act.

And I had two George Carlin albums.

I had a Toledo Window Box and Class Clown.

I had that shit memorized, man.

Like first day I ever gotten sent together.

George Carlin jokes.

Yeah.

Nice.

He did it.

He was plagiarized.

So you did a Carlos Mencia impression.

Very good.

Yeah.

I actually thought about saying something like that.

So this this is your first time on stage since then?

Right here?

You haven't done any open mics?

Yeah, I've never been on stage.

No open mics, no nothing.

No, no.

You just decided to come here.

Yeah.

Wow.

What made you do that?

Kind of a bucket list thing.

To be on Kill Tony.

How many weeks have you signed up?

To do stand-up, but then

it was to like, I was initially going to like try to just do open mics and like do the three-minute things, but do three one-minutes and see which one's the best one and hopefully get on here.

Sure.

But that never happened.

why

my first year i came down to austin i i had three different medical issues that caused me simple things nothing big but i what were they uh knee operation two feet operations and no i don't have feet like plantar fascia and an acl no all my toes and i had a broken broken what happened to your toes kind of like at hammer toe shit i had like a just had to correct it okay yeah

ian can heal you he does this thing where he sucks on toes and that's okay give me them toenails

how long ago did you move to austin

uh about three years ago so three years ago so when you were 60 years old you moved to austin where did you move from pittsburgh pittsburgh pennsylvania what were you doing in pittsburgh working in the steel industry no no i i uh

I've been doing like, well, I used to do construction work, but I had some body, I had some injuries and my body can't take it no more.

So I just, I started doing like online merch stores and stuff like that.

Okay.

Trying.

What do you do do for fun?

Shoot pull.

Nice.

A few other things.

Absolutely.

Okay, Duncan.

Show us your feet.

Yeah.

Show us your feet.

You don't want to do it?

Beat!

Beep!

He's embarrassed.

He doesn't want to show his feet.

We're getting up hard.

It's not like Cam's dad.

They look normal.

It's just,

they're just normal.

Amazing reference.

I just had my little toe was kind of curling over a little bit onto the side, is all it was.

And now they fixed it, now it's straight, so it's like all you'd see is a little scar.

So I'm not taking my socking shoot off to show you.

Sorry.

So they made your toes straight.

Pay me later, I might.

No.

Okay.

So the doctor made your toes straight.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm going to need to talk to this doctor.

Anyway,

do you have any kids?

No, not that I know of.

So you were just, were you, you have a wife ever?

No.

Never married?

Nah.

You gay?

Come on, man.

No.

No.

Christ, all right.

Homophobe.

What are you?

What are you, what are you, Heath's grandmother?

Okay.

That actually makes sense because Heath's grandmother, homophobe, and had a penis, could be him.

Oh, well, him.

He was a reference to her.

But you've had girlfriends.

Of course, yeah.

Of course.

What's the longest relationship you ever had?

A few months.

A few months?

That's it?

How do these things end so fast with you?

You're a handsome man.

You look like you could be a former pro wrestler or something.

I used to be really big, but no.

I was real wild as a kid.

Tell us about that.

What do you mean by that?

I kind of figured you would.

Yeah.

Like other people, I don't understand why people don't come prepared, of course, with jokes, but also with to talk about something.

You're literally, you have an opportunity to do what you're criticizing right now.

You are in the moment being like, you know what's crazy is when people don't answer questions honestly.

Go right ahead.

I was a real bad, wild kid.

I started stealing when I was seven.

That went all off into my young adult life.

I spent a bunch of time in and out of jail and prisons.

What's the longest you ever spent in prison?

I did 17 years altogether, but

seven of it was busted up into a bunch of little

and I did 10 years straight in a maximum security prison.

Oh my god.

So what did you do to get the 10-year sentence?

Robbery and a handful of other unrest.

What did you rob exactly?

Us of our time?

No, I don't.

I'm so scared of you.

That's a good thing.

You're a real bandit out there old curly toes strikes again

ah the curly toad bandit

i hooked him with my toe

no i uh it was uh old curly

talking about i i robbed the safe you know what the 10 cent a year federal sentence was for yeah i yeah i just said i i feel weird talking about it uh it was uh yeah i mean it's long ago i think

you're a great guy now

you broke open a safe in a grocery store i went in

while they were open for business and called for the manager and had him take me back in there.

Was it an HEB?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Pittsburgh, buddy.

Giant Eagle?

No.

Kroger?

Different state.

Was it a Kroger?

It was one of the, no, it was one of them.

This wasn't in Pittsburgh.

It was one of the things

I don't even know the name of the grocery store.

It wasn't a normal channel.

You don't even know the name of the grocery store that you robbed and got 10 years in federal prison for?

i think that's the last thing i should really concentrate on yeah but

i mean you got 10 years in prison i would have no it was one of them no name it wasn't like a chain grocery store it's one of them little okay so let's slow it down just stick with me and answer the questions honestly okay

so At what point did you get caught?

Did you get money out of this safe?

Oh, yeah, I got a money.

How much did you get?

But then I got caught later.

Answer the fucking questions.

Answer the fucking questions.

Stick with me.

Focus, focus, motherfucker.

How much money did you get out of the safe on that day?

11,000, and I got away with it, but then I got caught later.

Okay.

How did you get caught later?

How long did you get away with it?

How did they catch you?

When I ran out the door of the grocery store, you know, they slide open, but it's not fast enough because I'm wanting to leave real fast.

Put the mic up to your mouth.

And I, oh, sorry.

And I put my hand onto the door and pushed it shut.

Oh, fingerprints.

I already had fingerprints on me.

Yes.

Wow.

So how long did you

get away with it for?

Two months, one month, three months?

A few months.

What did you spend?

Maybe spending time?

No, it was like about six, almost five, six months, yeah.

All good.

What did you spend the $11,000 on?

Uh-huh.

I just...

Just, I don't know, just blew it.

Just, I was

throwed off.

Were you doing drugs?

No, I never did drugs.

You never did drugs?

Smoke.

Prostitutes?

Nah.

No booger sugar?

Nah.

You robbed a grocery store of $11,000 and you didn't spend the money on anything in particular.

No, it just blew it.

I was very wild and

adventure-seeking kind of a person.

That was my weird...

I liked the thrill of...

In a sick-demented...

Again, I was a fucked-up childhood, so I just loved it.

What was fucked up about your childhood?

Tell us that.

I was just wild as fuck.

Just off the chain, wild as fuck.

I started stealing when I was seven.

I did my first burglary when I was nine.

I wasn't a good kid.

When you say burglary at nine, what exactly did you burglar at nine?

Somebody's house that left the doors open.

And what did you get from their house?

Totally.

I would just.

No.

No.

No,

I would steal like money and stuff.

The first time I did it,

I went back to this house like four or five times over a period of a couple months.

And I would go in, sneak some stuff, take it.

What's the last crime that you committed?

That one I did.

The big one, the grocery store.

And then since then.

And when I got into prison that time there my my first year in I was like your typical angry fucking prisoner, but I uh my second year in I decided man, I'm done with this shit man.

I while I was there I it wasn't hard.

I mean, it was very hard wasn't easy inside of mass maturity prison to turn your life around craziest thing that happened to you in the 10 years in prison.

You answer this one good and then the interview is over, but I want a good fucking answer on this one.

I don't want you to go it was wild and me go what do you mean wild?

It's really wild and me go what the fuck do you mean dude because you're driving me kind of crazy.

I got snagged up in a riot but i got out of it and left but it wasn't when you say snagged up in a riot again

what exactly do you mean well i was in a i was in a one of them prisons where it's divided up into gangs of courts but i'm guessing i didn't want to be in it so i was like by myself which is rather dangerous but i used to be really big so i was so the so like the white i was i was outside in in in the out in the grass field and it was a softball field, and there's only one gate to go through to get out.

And

a riot started right outside that gate.

And I had to leave, because you have to go lock down when they have riots, and this place has riots all the fucking time.

And

I got snagged up in a little bit, but I just.

Set was decent.

Interview was compelling.

I'm giving you a big joke book, Mark Phipps.

Wait, what?

What?

Can I ask you one thing real fast?

You're going to ask me something right now.

Okay.

I've been trying to contact

Ari Maddie for a while because

I can help him qualify for a government program to get citizenship.

I'll give you his phone number.

Hold on, no, Duncan.

I actually.

Duncan, no.

I actually.

But it's prison style.

He got to give me something in return.

I actually have.

Can you explain to us how you of all people, not me, friends with the current administration or Joe Rogan, who literally literally decided the presidency of the United States.

What can you do that we can't do exactly?

It's a long story how I got it, but I stumbled.

I was looking for something for myself, not because I'm an illegal immigrant, but something else.

But I noticed this one thing that I read about, and it's something that he could qualify for.

It's a pathway to citizenship.

I actually, I put the, I actually, because I wasn't trying to contact them, I did a video

and I put it on a tablet.

I have the tablet out here to give to you so he can, you can, it explains it in a video.

It's too much to explain out here and it's not funny.

Hello.

Ari, you're on the show.

Jesus Christ.

I know I told you that you have the night off, but there's a guy up here, very scary guy.

He's been to prison numerous times.

He's 63 years old.

The last time he was on stage was 44 years ago.

It takes him forever to answer questions.

He's spent 10 years in federal prison after robbing a grocery store in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania for $11,000.

He got away with it for six months, but he left his fingerprints on the door on his way out.

And

he was part of a riot once.

Long story short, at the very end, after I told him I'm going to give him a big joke book, he said, There's one more thing.

Can I ask you a question?

I can help Ari Matty in citizenship.

How far away are you from the club exactly?

I am just getting out of the steam room, so

I reckon I am like 15 minutes out.

Okay, well, we have a guy here that's going to

talk to you about some stuff, and then we'll have some drinks afterwards, okay?

So the guy who's convicted criminal for the grocery store is going to help me.

That's all I need, Tony.

How about you get another rapist or a Nazi Tony?

How about we get a whole crew together?

What the fuck kind of a crew are you putting together?

I need a lawyer, not a criminal.

Absolutely perfect.

Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen, we love you, Ari.

We'll see you soon.

There you go.

And here's your big joke, book.

Did you have fun here tonight?

You seem like you didn't enjoy this.

You happy?

Okay, there you go.

There he goes.

Mark Fitz.

Let's get one more bucket pull out here.

Hello there.

This podcast is sponsored by Shopify.

When we were young, we used to dream of being anything.

An astronaut, the president, a princess.

That's me.

Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, maybe you start dreaming of owning your own business.

You'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers.

It can all be overwhelming and confusing, but thankfully, that is where Shopify comes in.

Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the the U.S., from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started.

Tony, I love Shopify.

You can accelerate your content creation.

Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools.

Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you.

Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling.

Scrolling, strolling, bowling, moling.

And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world-class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond.

If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify.

So turn your big business idea into

with Shopify on your side.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com slash Kill Tony.

Go to Shopify.com/slash Kill Tony.

Shopify.com slash Kill Tony.

Shopify.com/slash Kill Tony.

Shopify.com slash Kill Tony.

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network than most insurance providers.

Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable.

Red Band.

I think Talkspace is providing some of the best mental health treatment out there.

Tony, Talkspace Therapy and psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and employers, including TRICARE and for active duty and veterans and their dependents.

Most insured members have a zero copay.

That is incredible, right, man.

You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider that's the right fit for your needs, typically within 48 hours.

You can also switch providers at no extra cost.

Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home.

You can even talk it out between sessions by sending messages to your therapist as a listener of this podcast.

You'll get $80 off your first month when you go to talkspace.com/slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80 for Talkspace.

That's S P A C E eight zero to match with a licensed therapist today.

Go to talkspace.com/slash Tony and enter promo code space eight zero.

Your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

You having fun out there?

That's what I fucking thought.

Make some noise for him.

It's Jimmy Copteros, everybody.

Jimmy Copeteros.

Austin, motherfucking Texas.

How are we doing?

Little about me.

I'm a ten-year manager of a grocery store in Pittsburgh.

What the fuck?

Oh, I got fucking 60s.

I'm going to fuck this whole thing up.

All right, I got 60s.

I might have did some worse shit than him.

I have an 11-year-old son, and I accidentally shown him all the porn in my phone.

Austin, I'm picking him up from summer camp two weeks ago.

We're driving home.

He sees the Tesla Cybertruck.

Dad, I heard those are expensive.

Let me have your phone.

I hand it to him.

It's quiet.

Dad, I look over.

Massive amounts of blowjobs on my phone.

Full panic.

Full panic.

I don't even know how that got on my phone.

He's 11.

Dad, it's actually right here in the search bar.

I'm freaking out.

I take the phone from him.

Listen, this is why we have Google block on your electronics.

One minute I might see is Tom Brady coming out of retirement.

And and the next minute I see this disgusting

filter

and it's quiet and I feel like I weathered the storm and he says, Dad, it's totally okay if you're gay.

I just start showing him all the vagina.

There it is.

Very solid, ladies and gentlemen.

Jimmy Copteros.

Welcome to the show, Jimmy.

Thank you, guys.

I like your style.

Great start rolling off of the Pittsburgh thing.

Welcome, welcome, Jimmy.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Two years and a month.

Awesome.

Where are you from?

Outside of Tampa.

Okay.

Gordon Dixon country.

That's my boy.

That sounded less weird when I am.

Who's Gordon Dixon?

He was on here.

He works down at

Shakespeare's.

He's been on here.

Okay.

All right.

Thank you guys for coming.

Okay, yes.

They're all here for you, Jimmy.

I just wanted to give him a shot.

I came and saw my boy.

Crazy shout out to give, but okay, you got it out there,

and you'll never, you'll never get repaid for that, by the way.

It's an odd favor, and you did it.

I like your style, Jimmy.

What do you do for work?

What type of mechanic are you exactly?

I rob grocery stores, Tony.

No, seriously, Jimmy.

Stick with it.

What do I sell like?

Uncle.

Yep.

What do you do for work?

I own a junk removal and hauling and home services company.

Wow, strong white guy stuff.

Called Jimmy's, so you know I own it.

Like, I just needed to.

Yeah.

If If you need someone to haul your junk.

Where were you, Tony?

I apologize.

Okay.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Do you live here now?

No.

You still live in Tampa?

I do.

Okay.

It's my second time here.

You didn't ask that.

Okay.

All right, Jimmy.

Very good.

What's the most interesting thing that's ever happened in your life?

It's cancer interesting.

I don't know if that's...

You had cancer?

Yeah, three years cancer-free.

Wow, congratulations.

It was uh of the lymph nodes?

It was the lymph nodes.

The lymph nodes?

Yeah.

Did you get okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And were you a heavy smoker?

Do you guys have tissues here or no?

Okay.

Jesus.

I'm a light smoker.

I'm a light smoker.

You still smoke?

I smoke.

I mean, do you have one?

No, I smoke the one I drink.

Uh-huh.

And all that.

Tonight.

And all that added up.

How old were you when you got diagnosed with cancer?

44.

Okay.

And you had partied hard from your whole life up until that point?

No, I've never been a partier.

What was your symptoms?

So I was picking a friend up from the airport.

I lean over to tie my shoes and I start salivating.

So I go over to the sink and it's just blood.

Oh, Jesus.

It's the hot part of the show.

So then I call 911.

It was just a burst abscess.

And they go, which every doctor has told me, your tonsils are massive.

Have you ever been told you should remove them?

And I go, yeah.

And they go, we think it's time.

So I had my tonsils removed like a miracle.

They remove my tonsils and they find the smallest.

Now, what they'll tell you about cancer is they're looking for like a cluster of grapes.

They found like a grape.

So I had like a 99% cure rate.

I knew I was going to be okay,

but still had to throw the kitchen sink at it.

So 35 rounds of radiation, seven rounds of chemo, 56 pounds lost, feeding tube, all the stuff.

Yeah.

I mean, I can make that funnier.

I could polish that pig up if you want.

I'm going to say I do have a joke, but I don't want to.

Can I say that?

I think we all have cancer now, Jimmy.

It's oral.

Oral.

Got it.

All right.

Well,

you really have kids?

Yeah.

How many do you have?

A kid.

Just one.

Yeah.

How old is he?

He's 12 now.

12 now.

Is it true that he found foreign story on his phone?

Fake story.

Say it again.

Real story or fake story?

It starts out as a real story.

He was about four or five, not two weeks ago.

And he saw it and he goes, Dad, what's this?

And I go, mind your fucking business or whatever.

Like,

it wasn't even a relevant thing that I had to explain.

Right.

But I felt like it would be a good bit.

All right.

Yeah.

Feelings aren't facts.

How do we feel about Jimmy, guys?

It's very rare that we have the same comedian on twice in a row.

It's a very exciting thing.

My picture was on the wall in that fucking grocery store.

By the way, it was called Pathmark.

You don't remember the name of it.

I fucking remember it.

I'll never forget that day.

Rest of my life.

Third time's a charm.

I like you, Jimmy.

You oscillate between like funny and then like trying to hard, but you're, I think you're naturally funny.

Like some of the stuff, like some of your mannerisms and like little lines were, I thought were like very funny, but then it's like, you, I don't know, like you try to be funny.

I would suggest like just be natural.

And like you have a very compelling, funny story to tell.

I think stick to that and just be yourself more.

And I think you'd be great.

I thought it was, I was laughing at some parts.

I'm picking all that.

Because if you have 60 seconds and you laugh at some parts, that's pretty good.

Well, it's a little bit of a long walk around the block for the punchline, but you know, it still had a punchline.

And I just wanted to take you on that walk.

Thank you.

It's not all funny.

Some of it's, you know.

When you

showed a four-year-old blowjob porn

and he goes, What's that, Dad?

You really said

nothing.

Shut the fuck up.

I mean, it sounds different the way you said it.

But yeah, also, yeah.

Also, that's what I said.

Yeah, that's.

Both of those can be synonymously true.

Yours sounded more like...

Just say it like you...

I'm sorry.

Just say it like you said it.

Your Honor, yes.

I said...

Hey, Dad!

Fucking worried.

Dad, you just fucked up my life forever.

I'm four.

I have more neurons in my brain than at any other time in my life.

And this is going to freeze itself into my memory.

I'll probably have to get therapy.

rob a grocery store, and my toes will

my toes are gonna curl in.

What is this?

Now I know what you mean about the long journey to the punch.

I get it now.

I get it.

Jimmy Cobteros, here's a medium-sized joke book.

Congratulations, you were just killed Tony.

There he goes, Jimmy.

Thank you, guys.

Cobteros, we're flying through it this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

It is happening.

People are going to the restroom to do bumps of the old Puerto Rican pound cake.

there they go, everybody.

All right, special part of the show, ladies and gentlemen.

One of our Hall of Fame former regulars is behind that curtain right now.

We very rarely get to see him.

Known for what I've been kind of looking for and struggling with this evening, which is the most honest, direct answers in interview history in the Kiltoni universe.

If you know the words to his theme song, sing along.

For this is Hans Kim.

Hey,

I like how Texans will make fun of liberal cities, but when they jerk off, they set their VPN to California.

That's gay as fuck, bro.

I have a gun.

Not on me.

Somewhere in the room.

I don't even leave my door unlocked anymore because I want to use it.

Is that my best friend I invited an hour ago or the greatest moment of my life?

I have an AR-15.

I can shoot 600 yards.

I can't even imagine being mad at someone that far away.

Hey, you better stop doing that at 500 yards.

All right, that's my time.

Thank you so much.

Showing the difference between golden ticket winners, bucket pulls, and true,

true full-time regulars of the show former weekly regular Hans Kim is back ladies and gentlemen hello my sweet sweet Hansie hello Tony thank you for having me I uh sorry about this weekend I totally fucked up oh that's right you guys want to hear a fucking behind the scenes awesome show biz story and how absolutely insanely autistic and retarded hans kim is everyone

let me ask you this before I tell them the story.

You don't have to say the number.

Don't say the number.

But was that the highest paying one-time 15-minute long gig you've ever missed?

Yes.

Without a doubt, right?

Without a doubt.

So for 15 minutes, let me just tell you, it was a lot of money.

We will not say the number, but just know.

A fucking lot of money, especially for 15 minutes of work.

It was scheduled to be in Edmonton, Canada.

We all did it.

I made it.

Ari Maddie made it.

David Lucas made it.

William Montgomery made it.

We had to have a layover in Denver because what they don't tell you about Austin is that it doesn't fucking have direct flights everywhere like LA did.

That sucks.

Anyway, and in Denver, Hans Kim, after we ate breakfast,

he realized right then, boarding the plane to Edmonton, Canada, that he forgot his passport, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh

my God.

Oh, my God.

And if you're wondering how much money, definitely at least half your salary.

Half of your annual salary.

It is as much as a teacher makes in a year.

Yes.

For 15 minutes of work, the only thing that he needed to bring was his passport.

Not even a change of underwear would be necessary.

We would all have been home 24 hours later.

And we were me, Ari, William, David, richer than ever.

And then there was Hans, who had to tell me what I don't even know.

I couldn't even talk to you afterwards because it was so stupidly frustrating.

Oh, yeah.

So what happened?

You had to get a flight from Austin

or from Denver to Austin?

I was going to do that, but then I was like, I have a weekend in Appleton that I canceled for that show.

So I was like, let me just go to Appleton.

So I was just alone in a hotel room while you guys were in a stadium.

Oh my god, yes, in Appleton, in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Yeah, so that's even worse.

Holy shit!

So, wait, hold on.

Did you cancel the whole weekend?

No, I canceled the Friday.

So, you were gonna fly from Edmonton to Appleton?

Yeah, that's crazy.

So, that night, can you tell us like what type, what was going through your head?

What type of guilt?

And I was like, stupid, stupid, stupid.

See, that's what I'm talking about.

That's how you answer a question on Kill Tony, honestly.

Do you like punch yourself when you're angry and stuff like that?

I throw things very hard sometimes, but I try not to do it anymore because,

yeah, it scares people.

That's true.

That is true.

So, Hans, what else is going on in life?

Well, the shows in Appleton were great.

There was a.

Yeah.

and you had to do what two hour-long sets?

Three,

one, two, Saturday, one Sunday to make up for the Friday.

So I was just like four days away from home, just without the teacher salary.

Yeah.

And, you know, there was a pregnant lady in the show, and she had a seizure during my set.

Wow, a pregnant lady had a seizure during your set in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Yeah, she was fine.

She could only handle her liquor.

No, I'm just kidding.

That's the joke the husband made.

Okay.

Giving credit where it's due.

But yeah, I was like, name the kid after me.

But yeah, she was seasoned up.

I guess that's something that women do when they're pregnant.

No, it isn't!

I don't know.

Wow.

Maybe she was a liberal.

Was it at a specific joke?

Was there something that was it was?

Yeah, it was like, you know, the Chinese, a lot of people were racist to the Chinese during the pandemic, which as a Korean, I say, let him have it.

Yeah, they're the ones that decided to eat bats and pangolins.

I was just eating dogs like a good Asian.

That's right.

Hans still got it.

Wow.

Everything else is good, Hans.

What else is going on?

I have a bulletproof vest now.

What the fuck is going on with you, Hans?

He's a Virginia textured 2.0.

I mean,

yeah, it's a force multiplier.

I have a battle belt.

What do you mean?

Wait, what?

What's a for?

What do you mean?

Like, if you have a bulletproof vest, it multiplies how much force you can inflict on your enemies.

What?

What do you mean?

Like, if you buy another gun, it's not like you're going to to dual wield two AR-15s, so it makes more sense to buy, like, gear that'll help you in a gun battle.

This has gone from an interview to evidence.

Yeah.

It is kind of wild.

What are you going to do with all of this stuff, Hans?

Do you ever have thoughts about it?

Yeah, I think about

shit hits the fan SHTF a lot.

Wait, what?

SHTF.

I've been watching a lot of YouTube about this.

Nobody knows what that is.

You're a prepper.

You're becoming a prepper.

Thank you.

He bought me a long-range walkie talkie recently.

I don't know if he

if that means I'm safe.

Oh, a walkie talkie.

Oh, a red man.

I get you a gift.

Oh,

oh, do you want the walkie talkie?

The shitter hit the fan.

Meet me at a 230.

I'm sorry.

I put the walk in walkie-talkie.

What is your plan with the walkie-talkie situation?

Looking for some long-form friendship?

Yeah, when we're out in the woods, you know, like

doing an end.

You go out in the woods sometimes here in downtown Austin?

The old famous Austin Woodlands?

What the fuck are you talking about?

You know, when the zombies come, when we're like traveling, and you just be like, hey, Red Band, do you have any more bacon or something?

Red Band's like,

that's literally all I have is bacon.

I'm fast sons of bacon.

Have you guys communicated with these walkie-talkies?

A little.

Yeah.

Wow, what are you guys talking about?

Like, hey, we don't, I mean, we were in the same room when we did it.

Wow.

Truth comes out.

That's what I'm talking about.

A good, honest interview.

It's so much easier than people think.

Both parts, really.

The stand up, be real.

That's what we tell everybody.

The interview, answer honestly.

It's such a testament, the difference between...

People trying to blow up their answers and just being real.

It's so funny picturing you two in the same room like

here.

Can you hear me?

What did you guys talkie about?

It was at the secret show every Thursday, and yeah, we were just like, hey, you're gay, I'm gay, we're all gay.

Yep, that sounds about right.

Yep, sounds about right.

Well,

ladies and gentlemen, Hans, you've done it again.

An amazing minute and an unbelievably compelling interview.

One of the biggest legends in the history of the show.

He is is at Madison Square Garden on August 15th.

One more time for Hans Kim, everybody.

From Walkie Talkie to the mighty Heidi.

Wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Make some noise for Chris Cilio.

Chris Cilio.

Oh shit.

All right.

Fuck, I hope this is real.

What a hilarious prank that would be.

Chris, it's your big break.

It's kill Tony.

It's an empty warehouse.

Nobody's here.

Oh, shit.

All I did before I went blind was jerk off and play video games.

And then God was like, that's enough.

Yeah!

I give you a gift and you wasted it, son.

I'm going to let you guys know a little secret.

I do it all again tomorrow.

I wouldn't have changed a goddamn thing dude

give it up for my roommate for bringing me out here dude

he's a way better roommate my last roommate sucked he just didn't really care about personal space he would always hang out in my room yeah

so every time I'd go to jerk off I'd have to be like hello

Is anyone there?

Which, by the way, if you ever hear me say hello, is anyone there?

You have about 30 seconds before I start jerking off.

Wow.

You should say something, all right?

Or else it's on you, not me.

I don't want to hear about it in the papers later.

Guy who kind of looks like Louis ZK does exactly what Louis ZK did.

Chris Celio, can I cut you off?

I'm the other way, buddy.

I'm over here.

Shit.

Shit.

Unbelievable set.

Unbelievable set.

Wow.

Incredible, Chris.

I find it all so amazing.

I can't believe that you think you look like Louis C.K.

More like Louis can't see K.

I loved every single thing about what happened here with you tonight.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

10 years.

10 years.

Holy shit.

Where are you from?

Miami.

You still live in Miami?

I just moved here.

Wow, congratulations.

How recently did you move here?

Two weeks.

Is this your first time signing up for the show?

No, no, I've been here every week till you got me.

So two weeks?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Amazing.

I love it.

I love it, Chris.

How old are you?

29.

29.

So you started at 19?

Yes, sir.

And when did you go blind?

About six months before that.

Really?

You went blind at 19?

I was 18.

Yeah, yeah.

And so what exactly happened?

I had a fuckload of retinal detachments, which is something that usually UFC fighters get.

Yeah.

But to me, it was a small Chinese boy.

Wait.

What does that mean?

A small Chinese boy sucked your eyeballs out of your...

What happened?

My friend in high school is just fucking with me and

tossed tossed his high school transcripts at me.

Just an envelope full of papers nailed me in the eye.

Next day I was blind.

I already had lost one eye before that.

And we're still friends, guys.

Relax, all right?

Okay.

He drives me around sometimes.

Wow.

That's more dangerous than anything.

You're probably the better driver out of the two of you.

This is incredible because you lost an eye before that.

How did you lose the eye before that?

Same thing, just a bunch of retinal detachments, but I was like, this one's going good.

Nothing's going to stop me on this one eye.

And then he threw that, his bright future sealed mine.

Wow.

Is it thyroid issues?

Is that what you're doing?

No, no.

The retina is like in your eye.

It's the thing that...

From thyroid that happens, thyroid disease.

No, no.

Our senior health correspondent, Brian Redband,

taking a chance, trying to relate thyroid issues to retinal detachments.

He's who you look like, by the way.

Not Louis C.K.

But the joke still works.

Chris,

so,

you know, blind at 18.

So have you, like, had a real job or anything?

What do blind guys kind of do?

I don't, I had a job for a while.

Uh-huh.

Wasn't that good at it?

What was it?

I worked in like an office at an operator.

Race car driver.

I was a crane operator.

Dude, I worked at a non-profit where they helped people find jobs and they couldn't fire me.

Yeah.

Right.

As bad as I was, they were like, nah, we'll just let them.

You probably couldn't find your cane.

How could you find someone in a job?

Incredible, Chris.

So

what else do you do?

Like, what are your hobbies?

What are you into?

I like to go to music festivals and do drugs.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Absolutely.

Incredible.

What's the most fun you've ever had at a music festival?

What are your favorite drugs?

All of them.

Okay, help them.

Prevably at once.

No, acid mushrooms.

Everything that somebody has told me will make me see something, I've put in my mouth.

Yeah.

Amazing.

What exactly do you see when that stuff happens?

Like, I mean, I'd imagine that you still see stuff in your dreams, am I right?

I can still see in my dreams, yeah, yeah.

And it's completely black other than that?

Other than that, yeah, even on all the psychedelics, like it all, it's it's great.

I love psychedelics.

It feels like all of my senses are turned up to 11, except for sight that's still on zero.

Like,

it does, I don't get any visuals with psychedelics.

Yeah.

You don't get visuals on psychedelics.

No, no, I've done all of them.

Wow.

Incredible.

How about Love Life?

Have you ever been on any blind dates?

So stupid.

So stupid.

But win in Rome.

Women Rome.

By the way, may I say, D-Madness, I've never seen him more on the edge of his seat during an interview.

It's the first time he's ever been genuinely interested in anybody in the last 250 episodes of this show.

Clearly bias.

They told me to tap him up.

I was like, I don't know where he is.

Yeah.

It is incredible.

Chris Celio.

So what's it like?

Do you date Blind Guy?

How does it work?

It's tough, you know, like I'm on the apps, you know?

My bio just says blind comic, see the possibilities.

Love it.

And I swipe right on everybody.

Has it worked?

Like,

give us an example of what going on a date with you is like.

I find this all so intriguing.

I had a girl take me to an art exhibit.

What a bitch!

Really?

She just tried really hard to describe things to me that I couldn't care about.

God, that is so fucking funny.

It's crazy.

Wow.

My goodness.

So what else, Chris?

Now that you're here in Austin, what are your goals?

What do you want?

To do this, man.

I want to do this here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like when I first went blind, like I had always wanted to be a comic, like even before I went blind, but I kind of forgot about that when just doing a bunch of surgeries and things like that.

But when I went blind, I was just sitting at home in the dark listening to like Kill Tony and shit.

So ever since then, I wanted to fucking do this.

You know, like this is a huge moment.

Woo!

OG belly room kill Tony, dude.

Say that again?

OG belly room kill Tony.

Wow.

Amazing.

Well, Chris, it has come full circle for you, my friend.

Even though the lineup is out of control nowadays, so many fucking talented regulars and people in the rotation, I have to say that I want to see more of you.

And having you sign up regularly would just be a tremendous hassle for you and for everybody else.

So let me be the first and only one that matters to tell you that you are indeed the newest golden ticket winner here on Kiltonia.

Everyone's on their feet, Chris.

They're going crazy.

And I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Boom.

There he goes, ladies and Chris, step up to the mic one more time real quick there.

How do you feel right now?

It's right to your right.

Jesus, worst handler ever.

What are you blind to, asshole?

Jesus Christ.

Look at fucking,

we saw Tony Pepperoni earlier.

It was fucking Tommy Salami.

What the fuck is this guy?

Look at this fucking gagoots over here.

Holy shit.

Chris, how do you feel?

Fucking amazing, man.

Thank you so much, dude.

Absolutely.

Welcome to Austin, Texas.

You're an amazing talent, and we're looking forward to having you on.

And you got a standing ovation.

Yeah.

Yeah, the place went nuts.

Yeah.

And that girl in the front row showed her tits.

Yeah.

Chris, throw that mic in the mic stand.

You're part of the Kill Tony universe.

They're going to get your number and information back there.

Congratulations.

Another one.

The squad continues to grow.

grow.

Wow, that's so cool, yeah.

That was cool.

You guys having fun out there tonight, huh?

Back to the bucket we go.

As you see, or can't see,

anything can happen here on this show.

It goes from funny to compelling to heartfelt to terrible to amazing.

Attention, all small biz owners.

At the UPS store, you can count on us to handle your packages with care.

With our certified packing experts, your packages are properly packed and protected.

And with our pack and ship guarantee, when we pack it and ship it, we guarantee it.

Because your items arrive safe or you'll be reimbursed.

Visit theupsstore.com/slash guarantee for full details.

Most locations are independently owned.

Product services, pricing, and hours of operation may vary.

See Center for Details.

The UPS store.

Be unstoppable.

Come into your local store today.

Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Mary's, Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.

Make your next cocktail with Tito's, distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas, 40% alcohol by volume, savor responsibly.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Keegan Carmichael, everybody.

Make some notes for Keegan Carmichael.

My dad would always tell me, alcohol will never fix anything.

Then why did you carry beer in your toolbox?

Yeah.

Yeah, you didn't think I noticed.

Hey, I've been doing comedy.

Comedy is tough.

As a comedian, I haven't gone on the road, but I'm pretty close to being on the street.

Hey, I wish a story really did come with two sides because

I would love to read a book with mashed potatoes and coleslaw.

Hey, what'd you enjoy about Huckleberry Finn?

The gravy.

Hey, are you hungry?

Cool.

Let's go to the library.

All right, thank you.

Keegan Carmichael.

The

some people are already calling him the

Keegan, let's just jump right into what literally 100%

of the people in the room are thinking.

Are you aware that in every single way you're doing a Mitch Hedberg impression?

I get reminded every day.

Is that on purpose or like accident?

Is this how you are in real life?

Yeah, it's weird.

Like,

people DM me like that question.

Like, is that how you are?

Yeah, I don't.

I don't know what you want me to tell you.

So, you were like this, and that was your sense of humor, and then you saw Mitch Hedberg, and you're like, whoa,

what the f what are the odds?

I used to impersonate Mitch Hedberg.

I still do.

I mean, the look, the everything,

every single thing, the delivery, the joke style.

Are you a super fan of his?

No, my favorite's actually Dimitri Martin.

Dimitri Martin?

Now I know you're kidding.

That's literally nobody's favorite.

I just love the way he rips the paper off the pipes.

Geegan, who are you in real life?

What do you really like?

I'll just...

I just...

Couple of beers in the park and read a book, man.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

A little over two years.

And has it always been like this?

You from Seattle, Portland?

Where are you from?

No, I'm from Illinois.

Illinois.

Okay.

Okay.

What do you do for work?

I door dash on an e-bike.

You what?

I door dash on an e-bike.

Door dash on an e-bike.

I hate it when my deliveries are on e-bikes.

Yeah.

It's always smushed around and fucked up.

Believe me, nobody understands that better than me.

Yeah, Duncan Trussell.

It is funny, like your spirit definitely lives on through him.

Not quite as powerful, obviously, as the late, great, super amazing Mitch Hedberg.

But I mean, you do kind of got it down.

You wrote those jokes.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, no, I know.

Duncan?

I was just going to say, it's too bad that they don't need Mitch Hedberg impersonators at kids' parties because you kids.

I'm sorry.

It was funny like 20 seconds ago.

So every time you do a show, anywhere you go, every time you do stand-up, all the other comedians are like, God, this fucking guy's doing a Mitch Hedberg impression, right?

Some people wait outside the club to like

say shit to me.

Yeah.

Have you seen Mitch Hedberg's stand-up?

Yeah, it kind of freaks me out.

How old are you?

31.

31.

So when's the first time you saw Mitch Hedberg stand up?

Were you a big fan of his at one point?

Oh,

at one point, well, I mean...

Dude, I was Dimitri Martin.

What's going on?

Again, I hear you.

That's funny and all.

But seriously.

But seriously, we're all like witnessing, like it is like a Mitch Hedberg impression.

Did you always talk like this?

Is this how you talk in real life?

Yeah, Tony, I don't know what to tell you now.

Okay

Can you do a Christopher walking impression?

I don't watch movies man

Keegan most interesting thing about your life tell us What would we be intrigued to find out about you?

31 years of experience of being Keegan Carmichael.

Tell us.

I have a cast iron pan.

Do the other part.

Go ahead.

Oh, no, yeah.

It's cool because you got to take care of it.

Like, you have a cast iron pan, you have a responsibility, you know?

Like,

like,

like, come, you know,

Like a lot of girls now, they're dog moms, but you know, not me.

I'm the father to a pan.

What else, Keegan?

Tell us something else interesting about you.

Dude, door dashing on the bike,

that's a fucked up world.

I have trouble sometimes because I fall a lot like like

I don't like the Texas cheerleaders

because I was going really fast and they were on the sidewalk and so I fell into the ditch and I'm laying on the ground and she looks over me she's like is your bike okay

And then like the lime scooters, they're in the way too.

You know, to me, a Texas cheerleader is like a lime scooter.

I'd probably have to pay to ride you, but I just prefer you get out the way.

Keegan,

fun times.

Here's a little joke book, my friend.

There he goes.

Keegan Carmichael.

It's kind of like

blasphemous what he's doing.

It's awful.

Yeah.

Like he has good jokes.

He could just do them like different, like his own self.

Yeah.

Like literally acting right now.

Yeah, and looking like him's kind of crazy, too.

Anyway,

we have any sage.

Can we sage the room?

Yeah.

Never really saged.

Never saged the kill Tony stage before, but that one kind of creeped me out.

Yeah.

All right.

You guys good?

Everybody good?

This guy's leaving.

He's seen enough.

This guy's pissed.

This guy's pissed off.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Mike Gleason, everyone.

Mike Gleason.

How's it going?

A lot of my friends say that I'm really hard to get gifts for.

I don't think it's that hard to hop online and Google things to get for people with yellow teeth.

That was an incredibly fake smile.

Sorry about that.

I'm from Chicago.

I'm in the dating scene here, which is pretty good.

Took a chick out the other day, which is awesome.

Opened up the car door for her and she's like, look at this.

Chivalry's not dead.

I'm like, easy, bitch, my door sticks.

I got to climb in first.

All right.

Chivalry, I don't know if you're cold.

The window works just fine.

But that's awesome.

Really big fan of these Ven, these Waymos out here you guys got.

They're pretty cool.

It brings back the childhood and me.

I used to throw snowballs at cars, which is pretty fun.

But now I feel like you could just throw anything at these things and you're feeding all these like vegans that are like hanging out in the streets doing yoga poses and stuff.

All right, that's it.

Okay, Mike Gleason.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

Welcome, Mike.

How long have you been on stand-up?

It's kind of weird.

I started in like 2001, and then I kind of quit.

And I really liked the show, so I kind of moved out here and kind of restarted it.

How long ago did you move to Austin?

On Easter, 4:20.

4:20.

Perfect.

Fuck yeah, dude.

What do you do for work?

I haven't found a job yet.

Okay, what's your plan?

What are you good at?

Stealing Cadillac converters?

converters?

No.

Where are you from?

Where were you at before?

Chicago, construction.

Chicago, construction.

Yeah.

This is what construction guys look like in Chicago?

I guess, yeah.

Okay.

Have you looked for a job in construction here?

I have, yeah.

How's it going?

Not bad.

I kind of actually turned down a few jobs, which is weird, but I just wasn't catching a vibe.

I don't know.

Okay.

How much money do you have saved up?

Quite a bit.

Like what?

A lot that I don't want like my poor friends to reach out to me.

I mean, do you really need a number?

It's not a lot anymore, but it was enough to get me out here.

I'm doing the Hans Kim thing, living in a trailer.

Nice.

Nice.

You have a bed in it?

Yeah.

Like a little bed?

I got a purple bed.

Nice.

Look at that.

Very good.

You're doing good.

purple you're doing good okay so what do you do for fun mike when you're not doing stand-up i like to frisbee golf uh people watch is a huge thing for me yeah people watching is fun again yeah fentanyl's out trump stopped fentanyl crack is back

people watching is more exciting than ever there was nothing fun about that fentanyl phase that we went through under the biden administration and now crack is back thanks to the reigning defending president of the United States, Donald Trump.

And 300 people just shut the show off right then.

I don't know if you guys heard that, but that's what they do because they literally can't hear that without losing their mentally ill minds.

Mike Gleason, tell us what the most interesting thing about your entire life is.

It's our first time meeting you.

Might as well spill the beans.

I'm an overshare.

I like to overshare.

Why don't you start right now then?

Yeah, all right.

Uh, fuck it.

Uh, how I got my money.

Uh, I worked for Tesla and got the shit kicked out of me for actually being the only one there who knew how to do shit.

Uh, they like hired everybody out.

Like, I, dude, I mean,

I would not buy a Tesla or any of their products.

They're horseshit.

I know, sorry.

Wow.

You don't want to hear that, but engineer shit or what kind of shit?

Dude, it was like I was the only roofer there and there was not a pitchfork in sight.

And I was like, what?

What's going on?

You were a roofer?

Yeah, solar roof, I did.

Okay.

Solar roof.

And like red dance.

Are you at my house?

No, but do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, he has a solar roof.

He makes money off of it.

Yeah, I sell it back.

But yeah, I could tell what you're saying.

I know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

It's like that we were doing jobs and they were like, they didn't like check out where the sun went.

And then we put it on and there was like a huge house behind it and it's blocking all the sun.

So we went back like eight times and they're like, like, yeah, no, it's definitely the install.

And I'm like, no, it's the guy who designed it.

Like there's a huge house blocking the sun.

Okay.

Yeah.

So,

so I got a lot of money from him because there was a dude there who also did Cedar Shake Roof.

Beat the ever-living shit out of me.

Like, I was with my hands up, like, I'm 40 years old.

I like this job.

I don't want to, I don't want to lose it.

You know, like, beat you up?

He beat the crap out of me.

Like, punched you in the face, kicked you in the ribs, the whole thing.

The whole thing, dude, he took my helmet off and smashed it off.

Like, if you get my phone, I think i have my

like you could read what like tesla sent me everything that all the dudes wrote and it was hilarious like they're like he was a

pussy and all this shit and then he they slammed the helmet off of my head like everything that this guy said he kept saying solar panels need sun

Well, I was getting suggested to getting shut down all the time.

And they beat the shit out of you.

One guy did.

Right.

So, but you made a bunch of money because of that?

Well, I fucked up my hand in the fall,

and then, like, I don't know, the chick who did the surgery left some metal in there.

I was like wolverine for a little bit, and then they took three bones out.

So, like, the settlement, I got a hefty chunk of change.

A hefty chunk of change.

How much

again, just

can I tell you how much is left?

Yeah, it's probably funnier, sure, like 20 bucks.

Okay,

I'm buying leather jackets, it's in the middle of the summer.

Like, I'm not spending well.

Wow, you had a female surgeon, yeah, and she left meddling.

She was pregnant, too.

Pregnant chicks hate me.

Sorry to interrupt you.

Why do pregnant chicks hate you?

I don't know.

They just smell my like

singleness and never settled down.

I don't know.

They just hate me.

All right.

Pregnant chicks hate me.

My co-workers hate me.

The sun hates me

you ever think it might be you mike could be yes

could be all right

uh

any crazy accomplishments you ever win a trophy for anything

uh

yeah uh used to be a good swimmer

First place

work

fun times, Mike.

Sign up again.

We'll see you again.

Mike Gleason, everybody.

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's his fucked-up hand.

He really does have a fucked-up hand.

I saw the book bounce off of it right off the steel plate.

One more time for Mike Gleason, everybody.

All right, we're coming around the corner here.

Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

We're gonna keep it moving along.

It's Derek Spadey, everybody.

Derek Spadey.

I recently dated a girl with an ego so big that she would yell out her own name in bed.

It used to mess with me because it wasn't a very feminine name.

Like, who names their daughter Rape?

Let's get to some personal stuff.

All right, when I was six years old, I told my parents I figured out that I was adopted.

My mom was like, who told you?

I was like, who told me?

My sister's Asian.

What am I?

One of the slow kids.

Even at age six, you know two whites don't make a wong.

And then after the divorce, they just like gave up on parenting.

Like, I don't know how to do anything right.

I kill so many house plants, I call my home plant parenthood.

If it hasn't been three months and I don't like the name, I'm yanking it out of that pot.

Speaking of which, my girlfriend thinks I don't want plants because she caught me throwing seeds away in the shower one time.

This isn't true.

I love plants.

I want plants very much, and I would love my plants no matter what.

Even if they turn out to be transplants.

All right, you guys have been great.

I appreciate you.

Derek Spadey.

Hi, Derek.

You been on this show before?

No, not before.

Okay.

You just look like everybody that's been on this show before.

Welcome, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About five years.

Five years.

You from here?

No, I'm from Portland, Oregon.

Portland, Oregon.

Okay, there it is.

I felt Portland energies earlier, and this is why I felt it, because you were coming up.

Okay.

How long have you lived here?

So I'm here for about a month just doing stand-up.

I got an Airbnb.

Nice, just visiting.

visiting.

Is this your first week signing up?

Yeah.

Look at you, you lucky fuck.

I know.

Amazing.

Odds were one in 300, and you nailed it.

Are you often lucky in life?

No.

Right.

What do you do for work?

So I worked at a Kroger for the last five years, and now I'm just taking time off as I say.

Second Kroger shout-out this episode.

Absolutely incredible.

Incredible.

Almost as good as HEB.

When I got down here, I was pretty blown away.

You be careful.

You be careful what you say.

We were raised around Kroger's.

We know Kroger's.

Kroger's not really that close to HEB.

Have you been to an HEB since being here?

Yeah.

What, one?

Three?

Three?

Yeah.

And what types of things did you get from H-E-B?

The produce is better than the produce I've had in Oregon, which is

out of this world.

Did you try anything from the deli meats, perhaps?

No, not yet.

Did you try any of the prepared things, like the fully stuffed jalapeno pepper?

No, Tias?

No, nothing.

Nothing at all.

Well, that's where you will find that there is a complete, complete, whole different universe.

Un-Kroger-like materials at H-E-B.

The more you try it, the more you take chances, you will find

HEB reigns supreme.

Around here we like to say, have you down with HEB?

Yeah, you know me.

Nobody's ever said that before, but I said it right.

Well, in the Pacific Northwest, the Krogers are Fred Meyers.

It's not exactly the same as the Kroger's where you're from.

So

probably a difference that you're seeing.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, you got the crowd riled up right now.

One thing you don't want to do is an anti-HEB rant in this room.

You're going to need Hans's bulletproof X.

Keep it up.

What do you do for work?

So like I said, I worked at Kroger's and then now I'm not.

What were you doing there?

Stocking shelves?

No, I managed one of the departments, the Haba department.

So it's like.

The what department?

It's like the cosmetics, the shampoo, all that kind of stuff.

Ew, bo.

Bull, lull, dude.

Worst part of the grocery store.

No doubt about it.

I hope you guys never stop talking about grocery stores.

Well, I'll tell you.

Rid of Meyers.

You don't like grocery store talk, Duncan?

You have a whole family?

I love it.

Everyone loves it.

Everyone loves grocery store talk.

What's your favorite aisle?

Look at you two fucking grocery store hating-ass guests I have here tonight.

I hate them.

I hate H-E-B.

Duncan.

Oh, yeah.

Duncan.

Fucking worst grocery store

For those of you just listening to the podcast, Ian and Duncan were brutally shot

live in the room.

Luckily, it was by Chris Celio and D-Madness who hit the ceiling multiple times and Duncan and Ian ran out of the room.

All right.

Derek, most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened or that you've ever done that we would find compelling here, the millions and millions of people watching right now.

I've won a couple film festivals for claymations.

Oh,

wow, claymation.

What types of things were you making out of clay?

So I do like a tavern that has like mobsters and monsters, and I had a bunch of short sketches that did okay.

Very nice.

Where can we find this work at?

If you YouTube Bad Banana Studios or Bad Banana Clay's Tavern, it should pop up.

It's been a while since I posted stuff, yeah.

Bad Banana,

straight to fat banana.

Very interesting.

Very interesting how you spell banana.

Banana, according to Red Ban, is B-A-N-N-A-N-N-A.

For those of you that have your how retarded is Red Ban bingo card out, that is four N's in the word banana.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is who I've worked with side by side every Monday for 12 years, and I have never once shot myself in the head.

Anyway, very cool.

You must get all the claymation pussy.

How's that going for you?

I mean, it's so time-consuming.

You basically spend all your day in a room.

I do have a girlfriend, though, so.

Nice.

What does she do?

She also works at a Kroger?

Yeah.

If you work in the cosmetics aisle, I must know what section of the grocery store does your girlfriend work in?

She took over for me when I left.

Wow.

So she's in cosmetics.

Is she still in Portland?

Yes.

So you're here and she's in Portland, but it's only for a month.

Yeah.

Wow.

Incredible.

What do you miss most about her?

Well, so her pussy hole, right?

The answer.

No, I'm kidding.

Go ahead.

It's so weird because it's like a professional job, right?

Colbert's out there getting fired.

And meanwhile, I'm like, what do you like?

Her pussy hole?

And I'm like, thriving.

It's crazy, right?

Doesn't make any sense.

Go ahead.

She's really funny.

For instance, the other day after we had sex, I was like, man, we should figure out some more activities to do.

I'd love to do some art together.

And she goes, I thought we just made art.

Pretty funny.

Guess he had to be there.

Okay.

You had a good set, right?

We like Derek.

Here's a big joke book, Derek Spadey.

Congratulations.

You were on Keltoni.

You're here for another month.

Sign up again.

Congratulations.

There he goes.

Make some noise for Derek, everyone.

And your final bucket full of the night.

Ooh la la.

Olivia loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

Well, with the name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills.

Try it at progressive.com.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Price and coverage match limited by state law.

Not available in all states.

Make some noise for Trent Richards, everybody.

Trent Richards.

So, my wife, she's been telling me for a while that I need to watch this Gypsy Rose documentary.

And so, eventually, I finally caved in.

I watched it.

If you don't know, Gypsy, she suffered from munch housing by proxy.

Her mom, she fabricated a bunch of diseases for her and pretty much kept her imprisoned in her own home.

Didn't let her go anywhere.

So, eventually, Gypsy got tired of it.

She went online, she got a little retarded boyfriend, and well,

they both ended up going to prison because he stabbed her mom to death to set her free.

That story was so crazy to me, it blew my mind because it had me sitting there thinking: 34 years, well, doesn't much housing by proxy mean eating pussy from the back?

It's my time.

Okay,

Trent Richards, a 55-second long setup

for one punchline.

Hell yeah.

Eating pussy from the back.

All that information for one little fucking dink.

Okay, how long you been doing stand-up, Trent?

Two years.

Two years.

Where at?

Fort Worth.

Fort Worth.

Would you consider that joke your best joke?

Or was that something you're like working on recently?

No, I've been working on it.

I have more jokes, but the documentary came out eight years ago.

And

all that information you give, it's all just for the eating pussy from the backside thing.

The payoff is there.

Literally, I looked.

It was just 55 seconds.

You hit the landing at 56.

Duncan Trussell.

I was actually

very absorbed into your setup.

I mean that.

Something about you, I don't know, it caught my attention.

It's like watching a southern one-person show.

Like a really sad one-person show.

You know what I mean?

Like, it's like an act.

He's an actor.

Like, you really, like, if there was some nice...

Like, if he redid that in Red Band, you played, like, the Civil War soundtrack.

That's a good idea.

I actually like this idea.

Look up some.

Yo, watch, just watch.

Don't even do the punchline.

Actually, when we have the band play something, you guys have like any is there a way to do generic like Civil War music?

Like uh,

but you have to do it like my dear gypsy rose.

Nice and easy, nice and easy, ladies and gentlemen.

Here he is.

Do it again.

Trent Richards.

So my wife,

she's been telling me for

many years now

that there's this Gypsy Rose documentary

and that I might just need to sit my white ass zone down and

give it a view

And so I did

I thought about it

And after some

mighty long viewership.

All right, I'm going to stop you there.

That was fantastic.

Trent, what do you do for work?

Deliver groceries.

Whoa.

Here we go.

Billion dollar question coming at you.

Billion dollar question coming at you.

What kind of groceries do you deliver?

H-E-B.

Yeah!

Fuck you dunking!

Fuck you Duncan!

Fuck you dunkin'!

Fuck H-E-B!

Fuck you dunkin'!

Fuck you dunk!

Son of a bitch!

H-E-B sucks!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Still hurts every goddamn time.

Wow.

Them there fighting words, Duncan.

How long you been delivering H-E-P?

Since I moved to Austin, so about five months.

Okay.

What's your favorite thing about delivering H-E-P?

The rich people in West Lake.

You're goddamn right.

Big tippers, right?

You're goddamn right.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

Fucking lootly.

The booming economy here in Texas, you gotta love it.

Craziest order situation that you've ever had.

Any odd moments delivering groceries?

You ever get out in West Lake and you end up in one of those gated gated communities and fucking shit gets a little weird some dude answers the rope with his fat throbbing hard cock hanging out of

out of his robe or something like that

nah i had a tranny open the door one time with no clothes on wow that's exactly the type of answer i was looking for not in westlake that was a gift

so what did you see exactly what type of uh what type of uh

what type of junk was there what'd you see a dick so it was like a woman with a dick?

Well, if you call it that, but it had a dick.

Wow.

Amazing.

What was the address?

Amazing.

I thought you said you deliver HEB, not HIV.

That's incredible.

All right, Trent.

Well, fun times.

We got through it.

That's for sure.

Here's a little joke book.

Sign up again and do a different bit next time.

Munchausen by proxy, 55-second setup for one.

Eating pussy from the back punchline gets you a little joke book.

All right, final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Make some noise for Mars Martian, everybody.

Mars Martian.

Okay.

I don't know.

I'm feeling cute.

I might come later.

Yeah, with a fist full of cocoa butter

in the mirror.

All right.

I don't know, guys.

Anybody ever break a long nofap streak by beating every side of your dick raw?

That's a question for the ladies.

I spent the 22 days NOFAP just so I can Indian burn all the cum out of my body for 45 minutes.

I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I defeated NOFAP.

Looking like I beat my dick for three and a half miles.

Got fucking dick splints.

I don't know.

It's like I was running a cum gauntlet.

Ladies don't know what I'm talking about, but

every lady.

somehow the most racist moment of the show a noise by Redband playing the jungle bird

for Mars Martian that sound is called jungle bird before you think I'm dropping a slur the button is called jungle bird

Hi, Mars Martian you did it again.

You've been on the show a few times before it's always pretty much much an absolute embarrassing bomb fest.

And yet you've done it again, chuckling your way through a set about completely jerking off Ian Fidance, our senior jerk-off correspondent.

Thank you, Tony.

Most of your set was talking about no fat, but most of it made me no laugh.

Mars, remind us, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

25 months, two years, two years plus.

Okay, and what do you do for work?

Oh, god damn it.

I spend a lot of money financing my comedy career.

How do you make the money?

No, it was savings.

No, now I just do a lot of art stuff.

I'm just constantly out here with my camera.

Just I got a studio at the house.

I'm just playing.

I'm just playing make-believe.

Okay.

And where is your brother Diddy Kong right now?

New most racist moment of the show.

The crown weighs heavy for Ian Fidance with the absolute Donkey Kong reference out of nowhere.

What's the most racist thing anybody's ever said to you, Mars Martian?

There's not.

No.

Okay.

I mean there's just so many things.

There's an array of things I've been called throughout my existence.

You know what I mean?

Ah, yeah.

You call me something right now.

What you got?

Oh, I know what I want to call you right now.

A Waymo home, am I right?

All right, Mars, get out of here.

There you go.

It's Mars Martian, ladies and gentlemen.

Completely unbearable.

100% unbearable.

Anyone whose first response to to every question is

can burn in hell.

It's all cruise control from this point, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's face it, an unbelievable episode.

It all started with the youthful young legend Heath Cordes.

Who can forget the stylings of Tony Pepperoni?

We flew through Ian Simon's annoying set.

Mark Fitz, the

rebel out of Pittsburgh, the curly-toed bandit.

Jimmy Copteros, Hans Kim was with us.

The golden ticket was won by Chris Celio tonight in an unbelievable performance.

We literally had a sociopathic young Mitch Hedberg pretending like he didn't know that he was doing a Mitch Hedberg impression.

Mike Gleason,

Derek Spadey, Trent Richards, and Mars Martian, which means

if I can say there's only one one way to end an episode like this.

This man, some people say, is Jesus Christ's favorite comedian.

He recently performed at the Roman Coliseum to a sold-out crowd at 3 in the morning.

Some people call him the vanilla gorilla.

The Memphis Strangler.

The talk space tycoon.

The Opus of OpenPhone.

The Tyrant of Tacobas.

This is the big red machine.

William Montgomery.

So they announced there was no Epstein list and for some reason Red Band started crying tears of joy and screaming, free at last, free at last.

Thank God Almighty, we free at last.

A woman from Thailand filmed herself having sex with a bunch of Buddhist monks over a three-year period and blackmailed millions of dollars out of them to keep quiet about it.

Bangkok indeed.

Hey, Red Band, remember that boy band 98 degrees?

Yeah, that's 98 more degrees than your dumbass ever got in college.

Fucking idiot.

Y'all ever heard of the band Yes?

Well, the band Yes is coming to town, and I saw a recent photo of them, and that'll be a no.

Okay, that's right, John.

Unbelievable.

The man who has done it more than anyone.

More minutes, more interviews.

The talk space tycoon, the opus of open phone, and the tyrant of Tacobas, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine, William Montgomery has done it again.

Wow.

Very impressive.

Two deep red band references.

98 degrees.

I haven't heard about them in a while.

Is that true?

That was so funny.

That was a good one.

Yeah, because you have what?

Zero degrees, right?

Yeah.

Works, right?

Didn't you get a degree?

I'm teaching a few math classes away.

Wow.

But yeah, I think you dropped out or something.

No, I got hired because I was the only one that knew how to make websites back in 96.

That sounds made up.

That sounds stupid.

What?

So that's why you failed out of college, you idiot?

Because you only knew how to do websites?

I don't even know what that means.

But Tony, it's really nice to be here.

So fun, the dynamic between you two, I must say.

William, so much fun.

How are you doing?

I'm doing wonderful.

And Tony, I went

with Tony and David and Ari to Canada this past weekend, and it was wonderful.

It felt like old times.

It was great.

Tony was so sweet.

He let me stay on his couch so I didn't have to get a $500 hotel rental.

I really did.

So a little fun fact, and again, I love the behind the scenes on this episode, is

he was going to share a room with Hans.

I may have mentioned many times that both Hans and William are shockingly cheap.

You're shader room.

I only had to bin my Hans 40 bucks.

That's not bad for a hotel up there.

Wait, what?

I only had to, it only was going to cost me $40 to stay with Hans.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Why?

I mean, growing up.

Again, the amount of money you guys are making is criminally insane to not buy your own hotel room.

But a fun fact is that since we found out that Hans forgot his passport in Denver, William started panicking when we got picked up in Canada.

Oh, man, I don't even have a room.

I'm like, what do you mean you don't have a room?

He's like, I was going to share a room with Hans and it was under Hans's name.

I don't know what to do, Tony.

You know, the whole thing.

You let me stay on your couch, I think you did.

And I did.

I got to hear you breathe at one point in the middle of the night.

I could hear him breathing.

It wasn't a snore.

It was more like an open-mouth, like,

it was actually quite nice.

It helped me fall back asleep.

I'm like, oh, it's a sweet noise.

White noise.

Yeah, it was.

It was like white supremacy noise.

So, yes, we had a lot of fun.

Big fun gig in Edmonton, Canada.

What stood out to you, William?

Perfect.

So

what else is going on in your life, William?

What have you been doing to pass the time lately?

You always have fun hobbies.

Still just rowing.

I'm up to 874 miles since January.

I cannot stop doing that.

I'm getting faster.

I'm getting stronger.

I'm getting more confident on the erg.

It's a lot of fun.

I see Michael Gonzalez in there all the time.

And I also saw our man over here.

Really Jack.

You don't remember his name, do you?

Do you not know the guitarist's name?

John Dee's.

He's been.

Are you talking about John Dees or Matt Muelling?

Yeah, John.

John.

Oh, but I was talking about Matt.

Oh, there you

all right why'd you try to make that awkward I knew your name Matt I knew your name

let's see how jacked are you let's see a quick flex Matt Muelling

whoa

wow

Matt mussels muling over here absolutely Tony I knew Matt's name dude you definitely the record will show.

Matt, I knew your name.

I know you knew my name.

Okay, okay.

It definitely seemed like you didn't know his name.

I gotta let you know.

Like, you may have known his name, but it seemed like you didn't know his name.

Why don't you name everybody up here real quick?

Why don't we go?

Why don't we go from this side, this side down?

We're gonna start over here.

So go ahead.

The guy's name that you knew was

and this is John Dean.

And this, of course, is

and you, we know that you know

Dude, we got Michael Gonzalez?

Yep.

And welcome to the hard part.

Here we go.

Got my man Carlos.

You know his last name?

What is your last name, Carlos?

Well, you can't ask.

Okay, okay.

And I love both of y'all, but I can't think of y'all's names.

Seriously, it's nothing personal.

I swear to God.

Fur.

Fur.

What are y'all's names?

Fur.

Fernando.

Okay, there's some definite cheating going on over there.

I just heard the whole name being said.

And Raul.

Oh, very good.

Wow.

Absolutely in awkward.

Good job.

Little fun fact, William started sweating, physically sweating during that part.

Not during this set.

I knew when I got down over there, I was fucked.

Yeah.

I knew I was bought.

Even though I'm always not, it's always so sweet to see y'all.

It's not always nice to see y'all.

I get just bad at names and stuff.

Yeah, it's okay.

We see how you feel about the Latinos.

Very good.

Very much fun.

What else is going on, William?

Oh, my gosh.

Tony, I was in Toledo last Saturday, and I get picked up, and the flights are all fucked up on Saturday.

And then I get picked up by Lyft, and it's an hour drive from the Detroit airport to the comedy club.

And about five minutes into it, the guy starts doing this little cough.

And I start thinking, oh my gosh, this guy's sick, but I don't think too much of it.

I'm just generally stressed.

And about 20 minutes later, I'm looking at the guy, and his head is bobbing down like he's falling asleep.

Oh, my God.

And about 10 minutes after that, we're right beside an 18-wheeler, and I see the guy's head going down, and I see my eyes flash before my eyes.

And I'm like, oh, my gosh, well, hopefully, you can take a nap after this.

It looks like you're sleepy.

He's like, yeah, I've been doing it since 4 a.m., so I'm tired.

But I've made it.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

If you would have crashed in that situation and died,

what would you have thought?

What would have been your first words

to Jesus up in the gate?

Yes, when you got to heaven.

Tell us.

What would have been?

Lord, you knew I believed in your ass.

I pray to you every night.

I was pretty sure I was going to go to heaven, but I was a little worried just because of things that I do in my life.

I'm generally pretty good, but I just look up at the light.

You're talking to God.

But thank you so much, Jesus.

Again, you heard my prayers every night.

You helped me out.

I'm so happy to be here.

Let's go in.

Show me around.

Let me see where I'm living.

I gotta, hopefully, it's a cool spot or whatever.

But

thanks so much.

So happy to be here.

I was gonna be God, but let's just skip ahead.

And Duncan, I'm with you, dude.

I can't fucking stand H-E-B.

I never thank you, Randall.

Oh, yeah!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait a second.

Hold on.

I'm getting word.

I'm getting word that if you would have crashed, you actually would have ended up in hell.

So, yeah, yeah.

So, go back to the light.

And now you're burning in hell, but Jesus is like, hey, do you want to

the red spot I'm gonna hand for Kino back there on the lights we've never even seen a red spot light before didn't know it was possible okay now you have to negotiate your you're begging the devil to let you out no it's no it's the devil now you're trying to convince the devil that you want to get out of hell devil here's the deal I grew up going to church.

I'm confirmed in the Episcopal church.

I prayed every night.

You can ask Jesus about it.

I talk to his ass every night.

This is a horrible mistake.

I get it.

Your actions are louder than your words.

And that's always what I was worried about because I'd pray a lot, but then I'd think, uh-oh, well, you're doing this bad stuff on the side.

Jesus can see everything.

And so here I am, and I'm just saying this is a giant mistake.

Please get me up out of here.

I need to get out of here now.

I'm not staying here.

Unfortunately, when you were on earth, you talked shit about the H-E-B.

So you must stay here and burn forever.

If you did find out that you were going to eternally burn in hell, would you ever stop trying to big your

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again.

Talk space open phone, the tyrants of Tocovas,

calm He's going everywhere Columbus Orlando make some noise for our guests

and finance is on tour and finance calm and and finance comedy on YouTube He's going to Chicago Irvine Oxnard He's IANIMAL 69 again one more time for Duncan Trussell as well talk space open phone Tocovas the drawing from Ryan J.

Ebelt is in and it is absolutely unbelievable just a reminder the band's playing New York City Blue Note right after the Madison Square Garden shows August 18th on that Monday night.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Oh, Timmy, no breaks.

After only two appearances, has left such a mark on the show that Chris is already drawing him.

Incredible.

I'm at Madison Square Garden, August 15th, right the night before we do kill Tony.

At Madison Square Garden, Columbus, August 29th, Baltimore, September 12th, Fort Lauderdale, September 19th, Raleigh, September 20th, and Phoenix, September 27th.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Red band.

Check out the SunsetStripATX.com secret show every Thursday.

We love you all.

Thank you so much, everybody.

Thank you.

Good day.

Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favorites at Participating McDonald's for limited time.

Start your journey toward the perfect engagement ring with Yadav, family-owned and operated since 1983.

We'll pair you with a dedicated expert for a personalized one-on-one experience.

You'll explore our curated selection of diamonds and gemstones while learning key characteristics to help you make a confident, informed decision.

Choose from our signature styles or opt for a fully custom design crafted around you.

Visit yadavjewelry.com and book your appointment today at our new Union Square showroom and mention podcast for an exclusive discount.

Cozy up with fragrance that feels like fall and smells unforgettable.

Pura's smart, app-controlled diffusers pair with premium scents from brands like Ness New York, Capri Blue, Anthropology, and more.

Whether you're craving spiced pumpkin, warm amber, or nostalgic woody notes, there's a scent to match every mood in every space.

Discover why Pura is the go-to for premium home fragrance.

Start your fall refresh now at Pura.com.