#729 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + RYAN O'NEILL

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up, Red Tony!

Speaker 2 It's great!

Speaker 4 Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh?

Speaker 6 Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen, and the best damn band in the land, huh?

Speaker 3 Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos, Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, Big Mike on the drums.

Speaker 17 This is Sean Greenberg joining us again here tonight. Matt Muelling's

Speaker 19 away. The great John D's on the keys.

Speaker 15 And this is, believe it or not, the one and only, the great and powerful, the force of nature.

Speaker 22 D-Madness on the bass guitar everyone.

Speaker 24 Oh my God.

Speaker 25 What a special, there's a special vibe in the room tonight.

Speaker 21 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing amazing sponsors that made it all possible other than Blue Chew, Zippercruiter, and Shopify, who are exclusively the sponsors of this episode.

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Speaker 44 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 44 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Speaker 20 You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Speaker 46 You know, every single week I book two of the best comedians in the world.

Speaker 47 We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it.

Speaker 48 And this week is no different.

Speaker 15 It's not St.

Speaker 50 Patty's Day, but they are both extremely Irish.

Speaker 54 One is one of the greatest MCs in comedy store history, the first man to ever bring me on stage, May 7th, 2007.

Speaker 57 And the other one is truly one of my favorite comedians, one of my favorite drinking buddies.

Speaker 58 They're both two of my favorite comedians. Make some noise for tonight's guests.

Speaker 60 It's Chris O'Connor and Ryan O'Neal, everybody!

Speaker 51 Monsters!

Speaker 63 Two of the funniest people I know.

Speaker 64 Ryan O'Neill, Chris O'Connor.

Speaker 51 It's the O episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 10 Welcome to the show, guys. Ryan O'Neill, Chris O'Connor.

Speaker 26 What an exciting start to the episode.

Speaker 67 Guns ablazing.

Speaker 68 Everything is happening.

Speaker 16 Ryan O'Neill has the Slop Quest podcast, and he's at Ryan O'Neal Comedy on everything with 2Ls.

Speaker 14 Chris O'Connor is one of the stars of the show Tires.

Speaker 4 I don't know if you guys guys know the number one comedy series in the world.

Speaker 75 He's in Cleveland on August 15th and 16th.

Speaker 12 AchrisO'Connor.com, literally the world's worst website for tickets.

Speaker 75 A.

Speaker 22 Chris O'Connor.

Speaker 14 Is there an apostrophe in that website?

Speaker 27 No.

Speaker 77 He is Chris O'Connor comedy on everything social media.

Speaker 79 Very, very exciting.

Speaker 76 We are going to have some fun tonight.

Speaker 37 You guys, Ryan O'Neill was a guest, I believe, very early on, 11, 12 years ago.

Speaker 80 Belly room, main room.

Speaker 27 You've done it all. I've done it all.

Speaker 15 First time at the mothership. Ryan O'Neill moved here this week.

Speaker 82 One of the best comedians in the world. Thank you.

Speaker 83 Chris O'Connor moved here last year.

Speaker 82 One of the best comedians in the world. Fuck you.

Speaker 72 It's very exciting.

Speaker 86 But you guys know how it works. You've all done it.

Speaker 78 230 tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 81 2-3-0 waiting in a bar next door, hoping that they get pulled out of this bucket.

Speaker 27 I'm going to let the world's palest woman pull the first name here.

Speaker 8 There's a lot of other things I could have made fun of.

Speaker 49 I don't know why you're getting offended.

Speaker 22 I chose pale, which is the nicest of the things I could have said.

Speaker 27 And hell yeah.

Speaker 70 So the first bucket pull is getting wrangled.

Speaker 20 You guys know how it works. When I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 25 You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 57 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 91 Which rudely interrupts them and then I conduct an interview and me and my esteemed panel all fucking have fun figuring out what else they should talk about or what else about their lives is interesting.

Speaker 77 They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in 60 seconds.

Speaker 78 The whole thing is improvised.

Speaker 91 Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 46 Well, while we go wrangle that first bucket pull, we are going to watch a golden ticket winner start the show with a brand new minute, everybody.

Speaker 54 The calm, cool styles of Make Some Noise for Colin Sledge, everyone.

Speaker 63 A new minute from Colin Sledge.

Speaker 94 Thank you.

Speaker 95 I'm here to bust it wide open.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 95 I got picked on in school when I was growing up. One time, this kid put a sticker on my back that said, kick me.
He thought that was funny. So I put a sticker on his back.
It was just a target.

Speaker 95 He was like, I don't get it. I was like, you'll get it tomorrow.

Speaker 87 I was always nervous around girls growing up.

Speaker 95 I mean, I still am, but when I was growing up,

Speaker 95 my dad used to tell me, it's important to remember that girls are more afraid of you than you are of them.

Speaker 95 And I said, why?

Speaker 97 He said, you're creepy. They don't like you.

Speaker 95 You're going to be alone for a long time.

Speaker 95 My parents didn't really believe in me sexually when I was growing up.

Speaker 95 One time my parents found this girl's panties in my bedroom. My dad confirmed me.

Speaker 27 He's like, so you think you're a girl, huh?

Speaker 27 Thank you.

Speaker 63 He's done it again.

Speaker 17 Another strong new minute by the dry stylings of Colin Sledge.

Speaker 100 Hey. Welcome back, Colin.

Speaker 72 Thank you.

Speaker 33 Is this true? Were you bullied as a kid, kind of?

Speaker 27 Somewhat, nothing too hardcore.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 96 How about as an adult? Are you bullied as an adult?

Speaker 27 Only on this show.

Speaker 101 Perfect.

Speaker 77 Absolutely perfect, Colin.

Speaker 99 And your dad, are you close with your dad?

Speaker 95 Yes, very close. I sort of live with them.

Speaker 32 Oh, you do? How old are you?

Speaker 102 I'm 30.

Speaker 33 30? Living with their parents.

Speaker 86 Have you ever not lived with your parents?

Speaker 95 I went to Mississippi State for one year, and then I transferred back

Speaker 103 to your parents' house.

Speaker 27 Yeah, well, I went to a college in Houston.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 104 See, I had a good year there, maybe.

Speaker 25 Okay, one year in Mississippi State.

Speaker 28 So you've lived with your parents 29 out of 30 years, it says here on

Speaker 32 the spreadsheet that I have here.

Speaker 21 So what's your plan?

Speaker 95 What's my plan?

Speaker 95 Well, I was thinking about, you know, moving, getting a place here so I could sort of be in both cities at the same time.

Speaker 107 Well, if you got a place here, you wouldn't be in the other city at the same time.

Speaker 95 Yeah, well, driving back and forth, like, well,

Speaker 95 I sort of hit a bird on the way here, and I don't want to drive back anymore, because I have, like, a guilty conscience.

Speaker 110 Wow, you hit a bird with your car.

Speaker 95 It might have been two.

Speaker 86 Was it some kind of jungle bird, perhaps?

Speaker 113 According to my co-host, Brian Redband?

Speaker 114 I think it was two doves.

Speaker 95 And I don't know if I hit both or just one, but I was...

Speaker 115 Jesus, were they turtle doves, perhaps?

Speaker 97 I don't know. I'm colorblind.

Speaker 31 You might have the worst luck on planet Earth.

Speaker 110 If you hit turtle doves, that means you're going to have a rough Christmas, from what I know.

Speaker 95 Yeah, it felt spiritually very damaging. Yeah.

Speaker 87 Damn.

Speaker 117 No doubt about it. Tremendously bad luck.

Speaker 118 Doves made for life.

Speaker 27 So if you killed one of them, the other one's fucked.

Speaker 95 Yeah, don't remind me.

Speaker 95 I don't want to widow a dove.

Speaker 111 I kind of hope that I got both of them.

Speaker 111 Huh.

Speaker 119 You were asking about a job, right?

Speaker 120 Like, what was your plan for a job?

Speaker 95 I think he just wanted me to move out of my parents' house.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 120 Yeah, yeah, but he was like, what's the plan? You're like, oh, let's just get another place.

Speaker 63 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 104 I teach piano and I do comedy.

Speaker 87 Oh, sick. Yeah.

Speaker 122 Do you like living with your parents?

Speaker 87 It's pretty, yeah, we're close.

Speaker 95 It's pretty chill. You know, I have a garage apartment, so there's some degree of space.

Speaker 27 Yeah, just make sure your dad doesn't warm up the car in the morning.

Speaker 27 Fucking die, dude.

Speaker 19 So, how long have you lived in the garage?

Speaker 95 I guess when I moved back from college,

Speaker 95 they might have built it so I would be further away from them.

Speaker 27 But yeah, it was around that time.

Speaker 100 Huh? College?

Speaker 124 College? Oh, God.

Speaker 69 Did I say it weird?

Speaker 101 Yeah. I'm sorry.

Speaker 14 So it's separate from the house.

Speaker 125 There's not a direct doorway. Yeah.

Speaker 108 Okay. That's exciting.

Speaker 107 But when you say garage,

Speaker 21 does it mean there's a garage door on the front?

Speaker 95 Well, there's a there's a garage door, and then there's a regular style door next to it.

Speaker 94 Uh-huh.

Speaker 103 But you, that's that's just all you in there.

Speaker 117 There's no cars in the garage.

Speaker 95 Well, there's

Speaker 95 one car in the garage you can pull in the garage.

Speaker 103 So you sleep next to a car.

Speaker 70 No, there's an apartment above the garage.

Speaker 27 Above. Yeah.
It's a garage apartment.

Speaker 124 Okay.

Speaker 95 Yeah, I don't sleep next to the car.

Speaker 127 I mean, you're so close.

Speaker 67 You're saying it like I'm the asshole.

Speaker 106 You sleep directly above a fucking car.

Speaker 47 So whether it's your next door neighbor or it's just below you, you're next to a fucking car.

Speaker 129 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Up or down, side to side. Yeah.

Speaker 32 From, from.

Speaker 130 That's fair.

Speaker 15 You're next to a car, buddy.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 27 Basically, the car is on the bottom bunk.

Speaker 71 You're in bunk beds with a car, as far as I'm concerned.

Speaker 22 What kind of car is it?

Speaker 95 It's my stepmom's BMW, Suzanne.

Speaker 94 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 129 Seems like there's one thing in that garage that your parents don't want to live without.

Speaker 72 That's good.

Speaker 67 It's the BMW.

Speaker 78 Do they ever hint to you that it's maybe time to get away from them?

Speaker 95 Not really, but

Speaker 95 I sort of feel like it is time anyway.

Speaker 9 Do you have siblings?

Speaker 95 I do have a brother. He lives in Honduras.

Speaker 87 See?

Speaker 128 Your brother is in the very far sit of your parents' garage.

Speaker 78 Yeah.

Speaker 99 It's incredible.

Speaker 93 In fact, in Honduras, there's a chance of hitting an actual jungle bird.

Speaker 72 There it is, the sound of a jungle bird, everybody.

Speaker 57 Colin, you got it started with a new minute. Congratulations.
Fun times.

Speaker 10 That's the way that it works. Golden tick a winner with a strong minute to show you how it's done.

Speaker 45 Colin Sledge.

Speaker 134 Now, this is where things get interesting because we go to the sweet, sweet bucket of destiny, which means we're about to either meet somebody or see somebody again

Speaker 48 that most likely meets somebody that these could be crazy people.

Speaker 85 It could be the next fucking great talent of the show, or it could be pure insanity.

Speaker 136 They could be a 15-20-year veteran of comedy.

Speaker 57 They could be a couple months in.

Speaker 19 It could be their first time.

Speaker 89 It could be whatever.

Speaker 63 You get it.

Speaker 60 Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Surge AM.

Speaker 54 Surge AM.

Speaker 24 Here we go.

Speaker 138 Oh, shit.

Speaker 139 What's going on, guys, here in Austin? Yeah, um, that guy lived in my garage.

Speaker 27 Oh, shit.

Speaker 27 No, um,

Speaker 138 yeah, uh, someone once told me that human trafficking is horrible.

Speaker 139 I look back and I go, hey, man, just because that's how I got to this country doesn't mean that you could fucking talk shit about my life.

Speaker 142 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 139 My sister's part of the LGBTQ community.

Speaker 143 Clap it up.

Speaker 93 But for her,

Speaker 139 but for her, that stands for let's get another bottle of tequila.

Speaker 145 You know, fucking drunk.

Speaker 138 Yeah, you know, it doesn't make sense.

Speaker 148 You know what doesn't really make sense?

Speaker 138 She's bisexual, and she works at Chick-fil-A, so technically she's a LGBTQ CIA agent.

Speaker 145 Yeah,

Speaker 51 yeah.

Speaker 142 Immigration got her last week.

Speaker 15 Yeah. People will say,

Speaker 142 I'm a happy drunk, just hasn't gotten drunk enough.

Speaker 139 Have you ever woken up still drunk, driving on the street?

Speaker 138 All right, Serge AM, thank you very much.

Speaker 127 Wow.

Speaker 47 Repeating his name at the end of his set like he wants you to remember where you saw that magic come from.

Speaker 46 Serge AM.

Speaker 101 Forget the name.

Speaker 18 Wow.

Speaker 20 How long you been doing stand-up, Serge?

Speaker 139 I've been doing it for about a year.

Speaker 151 Okay.

Speaker 96 How often? How often are you working this out?

Speaker 142 So I started in my early 20s, and I started at the Secret Group in Houston. And I just came out to Austin.

Speaker 142 I watched Kiltoni. I saw Enrique Chacon on.
And I was like, dude, I remember this guy. I moved from Colorado to Austin so I can do.

Speaker 25 How long have you been in Austin?

Speaker 142 For about a month.

Speaker 47 About a month.

Speaker 46 And you've been doing a lot of open mics and stuff.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Those jokes?

Speaker 90 Yeah. Yes.

Speaker 28 Okay, and people are laughing in the room at these open mics?

Speaker 27 Yes. They are.
Yeah.

Speaker 152 Is it mostly comedians?

Speaker 142 Sometimes they're comedians.

Speaker 122 Sometimes there's actual audience members and stuff like that.

Speaker 151 Okay.

Speaker 110 Here's the catch, Serge.

Speaker 81 Is that almost nothing you said made any sense whatsoever?

Speaker 56 So if there are people laughing, you're performing in front of insane people.

Speaker 154 That's the good news and the bad news.

Speaker 70 Heard, yeah, I got you.

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 47 Ryan O'Neill.

Speaker 157 This is why we can't have Latinos anymore, sir.

Speaker 156 You're fucking it up.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 47 Yeah, you're ruining it for everybody.

Speaker 28 Your first joke, the guy sleeps in my garage, but we just talked to him about how he slept in his parents' garage for 23 years.

Speaker 20 The other year is in Mississippi State, so that didn't make sense.

Speaker 128 Human trafficking, people complain, but that's how I got here.

Speaker 22 Not really a joke.

Speaker 20 Sister's gay, but she's LGBTQ.

Speaker 154 Let's get another bottle of tequila.

Speaker 27 Doesn't make not a joke. Yeah, yeah.
Like, you're calling, well, my sister's a drunk.

Speaker 81 Like, that's a setup.

Speaker 70 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 30 She works at Chick-fil-A, which makes her LGBTQ CIA.

Speaker 27 Why?

Speaker 26 Why does that make her CIA?

Speaker 21 Working at Chick-fil-A? Explain that one.

Speaker 106 Just go with that one.

Speaker 81 I have questions.

Speaker 159 I have more questions than a 60-second set should ever have about specifically your 60.

Speaker 16 I don't even care about your life.

Speaker 75 I'm obsessed with how weird that set was.

Speaker 25 So explain the CIA Chick-fil-A.

Speaker 160 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 142 I don't know. I just, you know.

Speaker 18 You don't know? No, I do, I I do.

Speaker 146 You wrote it.

Speaker 118 You should at least have some fucking weird theory.

Speaker 143 I thought about the letters.

Speaker 139 I just added the CIA at the end.

Speaker 47 But if it was Chick-fil-A, why would it be CIA?

Speaker 138 No, no.

Speaker 121 Huh?

Speaker 7 Don't look at the audience for help.

Speaker 138 His sweaty armpits.

Speaker 145 I was just like, oh shit, my bad.

Speaker 145 No, well, but stick with me, I'm sure, buddy.

Speaker 70 I'm getting easily distracted.

Speaker 27 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 138 So, I don't know.

Speaker 139 I fucking came up with it.

Speaker 138 I was drunk one night and just thought about it.

Speaker 122 And

Speaker 145 I thought it was personally. I thought it was funny.
I don't know.

Speaker 127 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 119 I think it's a good joke.

Speaker 119 Thank you. I think it's a good joke.

Speaker 70 Surge.

Speaker 120 He's just sitting at T's an artist.

Speaker 143 He's just sitting at the table. He doesn't have to feed you.

Speaker 41 You know what I mean?

Speaker 154 And then at the end, you said your sister got deported by immigration, but that that didn't happen either, right?

Speaker 76 No, it did not happen. Right.

Speaker 163 Is your sister really gay?

Speaker 139 She is gay, yeah.

Speaker 101 How do you know?

Speaker 145 Um, she has a girlfriend.

Speaker 87 Okay. Do you have a girlfriend?

Speaker 139 I do not.

Speaker 72 What do you do for work?

Speaker 139 Uh, I'm a server at the moment. Yeah.

Speaker 31 You're a server? Yeah.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 122 Yeah, at a restaurant called Sawgrass.

Speaker 87 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 30 Oh, you D, you made a noise there. You like Sawgrass?

Speaker 27 you do

Speaker 115 what do you get when you go to sawgrass d madness i get a tell the tell the truth oh you're saying steak you're lying no i'm not no really no my my my ex-fiancé took me to saw grass for the first time i love it okay

Speaker 2 okay d

Speaker 17 um real answers from the great d madness a steak hell yeah ex-fiancé that's a sad

Speaker 165 oh shit you got de mad already maybe for you motherfucker.

Speaker 90 You guys can't hear what he's saying.

Speaker 15 Might be sad for you, you bitch-ass punk-ass bitch.

Speaker 48 D does not let anyone get a fucking thing in on him, by the way.

Speaker 98 Nope.

Speaker 168 D, how do you like your steak?

Speaker 27 Medium rare. Medium rare?

Speaker 123 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 169 Absolutely.

Speaker 72 Absolutely. Fucking lootly.

Speaker 21 All right. Surge, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 91 Give us one good redeeming quality about you, something that's going to make this whole room like you out of fucking nowhere.

Speaker 142 I just, I used to make music and stuff like that.

Speaker 129 What kind of music would you make?

Speaker 142 I just freestyled and

Speaker 74 listen to the noise the crowd makes when there's someone that we all know will not be good at freestyling.

Speaker 70 There is a 0%

Speaker 134 chance this is going to go good.

Speaker 70 This is going to be incredible.

Speaker 73 Chris O'Connor.

Speaker 22 It's just letters.

Speaker 10 LGBTQCIA, I was having a really good day up until now.

Speaker 37 Until I got pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 144 Turns out I suck at this.

Speaker 110 All right, Surge.

Speaker 47 How long did you freestyle for?

Speaker 91 This is something you took kind of seriously?

Speaker 139 Yeah, yeah. Moved out to Colorado.

Speaker 142 I was just making music and music videos and stuff like that.

Speaker 69 Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 129 talk to Michael about a beat.

Speaker 30 Michael, play it nice and light so that we can all hear exactly what the hell he's saying.

Speaker 18 saying.

Speaker 88 And this,

Speaker 81 ladies and gentlemen, on a show where absolutely anything can happen is Surge AM.

Speaker 65 Yeah,

Speaker 2 uh,

Speaker 142 I guess my set was actually pretty phony.

Speaker 138 I don't even know. I got my 60 seconds.
I'll kill Tony. Clap it up.
Here we go once again.

Speaker 66 When I shine, I will never show anybody that I pretend.

Speaker 138 Yo, fuck it. My sister is gay.

Speaker 138 I made it every day as my motherfucking host.

Speaker 66 But you know that I don't even care about these hoes. I'm a go-getter.

Speaker 138 Yeah, that's me.

Speaker 66 Everybody knows when I never fucking sleep, I write stupid jokes.

Speaker 89 Yeah, that was exactly how I thought it was going to go.

Speaker 10 Surge, here's the little joke book.

Speaker 53 Oh, boy.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 130 Wow.

Speaker 103 There he goes. Serge AM, everybody.
Make some noise for Surge.

Speaker 49 He tried his best.

Speaker 88 Tried his best.

Speaker 88 Oh, listen to that pop.

Speaker 50 The great Heidi has arrived, everybody.

Speaker 49 There she is, live in the flesh.

Speaker 47 Hello, everybody.

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Speaker 27 All right,

Speaker 137 keeping it moving along.

Speaker 136 Your next bucketful goes by the name of Jason Vest, everyone.

Speaker 60 Jason Vest.

Speaker 157 I lost my virginity at the Asian massage parlor

Speaker 157 by a saggy tittied wrinkly old ass Asian woman that looked like Mr. Miyagi

Speaker 157 she had a raspy voice she was like

Speaker 157 Her name was Mama San. She taught me many lessons and this is what she taught When paying for pussy at the Asian massage parlor, always tell Mama San you have a latex allergy.

Speaker 157 Even when you don't,

Speaker 157 there's a pretty good chance she cannot accommodate your request and you'll get bareback sex for free.

Speaker 157 Make sure your happy ending ends with you nutting in that bitch's cervix.

Speaker 157 Yeah.

Speaker 157 Drain your ball sack, not your bank account.

Speaker 157 Always tell Mama San, always ask Mama San if she's got a new girl on rotation.

Speaker 157 Add some variety to your Asian pussy portfolio, guys.

Speaker 37 Geez.

Speaker 113 All right, thank you.

Speaker 23 All right, Jason Best

Speaker 23 admitting to rape as his comedy set tonight.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 167 Whoa.

Speaker 127 How are you?

Speaker 27 How are you?

Speaker 157 Doing good, Tony. I'm doing good.

Speaker 20 I've always wondered what Santa's elves do in the offseason.

Speaker 121 This is incredible.

Speaker 19 So last time you were on this show before, and you did.

Speaker 152 You talked about a lot of crazy, like, sex stuff.

Speaker 30 And here you are, guns a-blazing, right on brand.

Speaker 155 Is any of this true?

Speaker 109 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 157 I'm the Anthony Bourdain Asian pussy, man I was always going to massage parlors wow and what happened you said that like it's in the past now you no longer go I'm reformed and now I just help men achieve success by giving advice helping helping my brethren out how did you reform how did I reform I got married okay and she said well you can't be having sex with Asian pussy anymore so I've been married for 20 years guys 20 years wow 20 years.

Speaker 78 No one's excited about that.

Speaker 140 To a woman, to a woman.

Speaker 72 She's going to love this shit. Yeah.

Speaker 127 She's going to love

Speaker 86 Amazing.

Speaker 25 So, Jason, remind us.

Speaker 57 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 103 Five years.

Speaker 125 And what do you do for work?

Speaker 157 I'm retired from the National Guard.

Speaker 27 Whoa. Wow.

Speaker 174 Thank you for your service.

Speaker 37 Yes.

Speaker 55 Where did you serve exactly?

Speaker 9 The North Pole.

Speaker 15 There it is. The sweet Santa landed on the roof.

Speaker 16 He wants to see us.

Speaker 157 I was a recruiter for the National Guard in Jackson, Michigan, lake george new york and i worked in chicago illinois too for a little while okay wow some of the most some of the places where we need our military the most

Speaker 25 okay what's the craziest thing that happened what's the most like

Speaker 30 violent thing you had to do in the military at the National Guard?

Speaker 157 Most violent thing I ever had to do. I never really had to do anything violent.
Like, and I was a recruiter, so it's like a basic job. People come in and they want to join the military.

Speaker 157 You lie to them to get them to join. It's just a simple process.

Speaker 30 What's a trick you would use to get them to join?

Speaker 157 I would tell them anything. Like, let's say someone came in and they wanted to be a cook, right? Being a cook, nobody that joins the military wants to cook the damn food.

Speaker 157 They want to do like cool Rambo shit. So I'd be like, listen, you're going to be like an executive chef or the president or some shit.

Speaker 155 Oh,

Speaker 157 very cool. I was a top recruiter for the Michigan Army National Guard, Tony.
We talked about this a lot. Wow.

Speaker 124 Damn.

Speaker 51 Bragg.

Speaker 155 A lot. Braggadocious.

Speaker 27 Incredible.

Speaker 28 Okay, Jason, what's something interesting about you that we didn't find out last time you were on the show?

Speaker 157 Something interesting about me. I am a compulsive eater.

Speaker 124 Oh, okay. Let's talk about it.

Speaker 157 I mean, my wife's got to hide the peanut butter jars. I am a compulsive eater.
I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I just traded for food.

Speaker 157 I just traded booze and everything for food, and I just compulsively.

Speaker 48 What's the most piggish thing you've ever done eating food?

Speaker 157 I spent $45 in DoorDash from Whataburger.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 67 That's actually not that bad.

Speaker 7 Yeah,

Speaker 111 it's like,

Speaker 148 I've seen your food order.

Speaker 68 I follow you. Yeah.

Speaker 30 Those middle-of-the-night Instagram stories by Red Band.

Speaker 70 Wendy's.

Speaker 85 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 77 No doubt about it.

Speaker 21 Chase, and what does your wife do?

Speaker 157 My wife is a photographer and she works for an orthodontist office. And so she like runs like a call center.
She works from home and she helps me edit my videos.

Speaker 80 Uh-huh.

Speaker 78 And remind us, what kind of videos are you making, Chase?

Speaker 157 I make content. I make a lot of massage parlor videos where I use my past experiences to help men get Asian pussy.
Like,

Speaker 157 I do that as a service, Tony.

Speaker 37 No one needs this advice.

Speaker 157 Have you been?

Speaker 156 Yes, you just pay for sex.

Speaker 27 It's great. No,

Speaker 37 that's the point.

Speaker 33 He's teaching. Teaching etiquette.
How dare you?

Speaker 120 The condom is for your protection.

Speaker 177 Oh, no, I go bareback, brother.

Speaker 27 Bearback.

Speaker 36 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 72 Oh, my God.

Speaker 72 Bearback.

Speaker 31 You are the fucking weirdest dude.

Speaker 51 Can't quite figure it out.

Speaker 110 You're an interesting guy.

Speaker 89 What's the craziest video that you've ever made?

Speaker 157 The craziest video I ever made was a true story. So I got on Kill Tony the last time, and my social media clips blew up.
I told a drunken story.

Speaker 157 And these big corporate whiskey lobbyists reach out to me and ask me to make content to get people to stop drinking Crown Royal because in Canada, they're throwing American American whiskey off the shelves over this Donald Trump tariff bullshit.

Speaker 157 And they wanted me to make videos. And I, first off, I grew up in Michigan on the Detroit border.
I'm like, I didn't feel comfortable doing it. And the guy was like, it's $700 for a 30-second video.

Speaker 171 I'm like, fuck Canada.

Speaker 157 Some of the best stories are drinking American whiskey. Am I right?

Speaker 157 Jack Daniels, hell yeah,

Speaker 109 Fireball.

Speaker 18 All right, Jason.

Speaker 166 What size joke book did you get last time?

Speaker 157 I got a big one.

Speaker 77 Okay, well, guess what?

Speaker 49 Here's a little something to add to your collection. It's a little one.

Speaker 99 Ah, the first catch of the night.

Speaker 78 Jason, best.

Speaker 17 There he goes, everybody.

Speaker 49 Whoa, I just accidentally ripped this in half. That's a first.

Speaker 58 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for...

Speaker 137 You guys having fun out there, huh?

Speaker 4 A couple of very odd bucket pulls to start the show, but it's okay.

Speaker 58 Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 33 Patrick Lake, everyone.

Speaker 130 Patrick Lake.

Speaker 102 When

Speaker 53 cops that are looking to get laid get rejected,

Speaker 156 do they jump straight into stop resisting, stop resisting, stop resisting?

Speaker 102 A doctor's office from my hometown was was raided. The doctor there was arrested and charged with crimes related to trading sex for pills and sexual imposition on patients.

Speaker 68 And as a patient of that practice, when news broke, I couldn't believe that someone told that was Dr.

Speaker 36 Feelgood.

Speaker 161 I went to doc for back pain and everything started normal enough.

Speaker 156 Doc started checking me over and then doing those resistance checks. You know, don't let me push your arm down.

Speaker 7 Good.

Speaker 76 Then the other side, good.

Speaker 102 Don't let me pull your pants down. Wait, what?

Speaker 179 But before I could say anything, my pants and drawers were at my ankles.

Speaker 171 And Doc said, don't let me make you come.

Speaker 27 Well, doctor.

Speaker 156 And as I stood there getting topped off by my doctor, I realized I didn't know my insurance covered this and I didn't even have copay.

Speaker 122 Patrick Lake. Hello, buddy.

Speaker 24 How are you?

Speaker 123 Doing well. How are you doing?

Speaker 92 Good.

Speaker 20 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 102 Just celebrated three years.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 20 How did you celebrate?

Speaker 27 By being

Speaker 69 worse than ever?

Speaker 154 Did you celebrate by burning every joke you've ever written and starting from absolute scratch?

Speaker 102 That's something like that. Yeah.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 93 All right. Okay.

Speaker 71 Where was this three years at?

Speaker 27 Hell?

Speaker 102 Imagine that if you die and go to hell, you're the full-time comedian and you just keep doing your act 24 hours a day and everybody has to stay awake and watch it all the time.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Was it in hell?

Speaker 47 Close. Dayton, Ohio.
Dayton, Ohio.

Speaker 101 Pretty close.

Speaker 81 One of the closest cities to hell on planet Earth.

Speaker 180 Patrick, what do you do for work?

Speaker 102 A material scientist. That's how I spend most of my time.

Speaker 15 What exactly is a material scientist?

Speaker 125 A nerd.

Speaker 102 I've got a background in chemistry and chemical engineering and then specialize in nanomaterials.

Speaker 91 What exactly are nanomaterials?

Speaker 102 It's like an additive to composites.

Speaker 102 Imps

Speaker 102 excellent properties into like aerospace and defense applications, mostly used by the the military.

Speaker 119 Do you have to wear like a hard hat or a mask or something?

Speaker 102 Yeah, occasionally, yes. Yeah.

Speaker 29 Like a mask? Mask, yeah.

Speaker 151 Okay.

Speaker 153 Is it dangerous?

Speaker 102 I mean, it can be if you were like trying to eat it or breathe it. Yeah.
But as long as you handle it safely.

Speaker 104 Have you ever seen anybody eat it or breathe it?

Speaker 94 No.

Speaker 62 Okay. No.

Speaker 91 You've never seen anything go wrong with nanomaterials?

Speaker 102 I personally have not. No, I'm trying to be safe practices and all.

Speaker 143 Are you thinking about all that fucked up shit while you're working with materials?

Speaker 102 No, I got into comedy as like a, you know, kind of a relief, a release.

Speaker 148 Kind of a serious. Let's just take the night off.

Speaker 120 You ever drug and rape chicks in a hospital?

Speaker 148 Just trying to relax here, guys. Just trying to.

Speaker 102 My dot got me started off on the wrong foot.

Speaker 124 Okay.

Speaker 48 You married?

Speaker 102 I was, just recently divorced.

Speaker 105 How recently did you get divorced?

Speaker 102 Like, it finalized two months ago.

Speaker 29 Two months.

Speaker 78 Fresh on the market.

Speaker 48 How long were you married for?

Speaker 102 15 years.

Speaker 29 15 years. Explain to me what went wrong.

Speaker 102 I think it was an accumulation of things, but it came as a big surprise to me. I thought we were in counseling.

Speaker 116 Let's talk about the accumulation, if you don't mind, because this is the most interesting thing about since you arrived at the stage.

Speaker 30 You know, the interview here is like kind of raw.

Speaker 102 Yeah, nanomaterials. Yeah, pretty good.

Speaker 82 Yeah, nanomaterials wasn't cutting it.

Speaker 91 So, when you say there was an accumulation of things, that the 15 years went wrong, what do you mean exactly?

Speaker 102 Well, she was catching a lot of bodies during those 15 years.

Speaker 135 Whoa,

Speaker 165 okay,

Speaker 165 all right.

Speaker 152 How do you know she was catching bodies?

Speaker 102 Yeah, there were lots of signs.

Speaker 91 Can you give us some of the signs? We're all very interested.

Speaker 165 Yeah, well,

Speaker 102 best TIs.

Speaker 68 Oh, shit.

Speaker 21 Okay. Now we're talking.

Speaker 84 This is very compelling.

Speaker 150 Give this guy a round of applause, huh?

Speaker 4 That's what I love about this show: all of a sudden, it just hits you out of nowhere.

Speaker 8 And I lay some on the edge of my seat.

Speaker 27 Ryan, O'Neill, you feel good about this, right?

Speaker 90 Yeah.

Speaker 118 Was this all happening while you were collecting turquoise?

Speaker 27 It's like, what?

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 102 I got distracted. Yeah, maybe you should have spent more time paying it.

Speaker 27 Keep your eye on the prize. That's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 102 It's a pretty stone, though.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 22 So STIs.

Speaker 91 And so you caught an STI.

Speaker 57 Which one?

Speaker 72 Out of curiosity.

Speaker 102 Actually, I didn't.

Speaker 102 She did. She did.
And it was just on one of those appointments. It was like, hey, honey, you want me to come along?

Speaker 27 Oh, shit. And you went along with her.

Speaker 102 And I went along.

Speaker 20 And you're in the room, and the doctor says, well, you have.

Speaker 125 Yeah.

Speaker 102 Oh, I'm just going to go ahead and send in some.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 120 That's a suspicious man right there.

Speaker 149 I'm going with you. Yeah.

Speaker 148 I want to see what it says.

Speaker 184 My God.

Speaker 148 I want to see the lab results.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 81 I find this so compelling.

Speaker 20 So can you kind of paint the picture for us?

Speaker 102 Yeah, I mean, like,

Speaker 102 she had a fishy smell. And I was like, you know what?

Speaker 27 Yeah, that'll do it.

Speaker 67 This is a little bit odd.

Speaker 102 And then, you know she was kind of trying to glaze past that with the doc and I was like you know hey honey what about that

Speaker 102 little fishy smell and then you know the doc did a swab and as soon as she got close to my then wife she said oh nope I'm gonna call in a prescription for antibiotics and I said well do I need some too and she said oh no you'd be fine there's only a you sure she's just not Filipino

Speaker 116 shit known for the smell

Speaker 20 so the reason why you didn't need a swab, I'm guessing, is because you guys weren't actively having sex.

Speaker 102 Yeah, the thing that she was diagnosed with there was BV

Speaker 102 bacterial vaginosis, which apparently us fellas don't have to take something for us. Right.

Speaker 72 So

Speaker 20 did she admit to you like on the spot, on the drive home?

Speaker 27 Oh, no, no.

Speaker 102 And she's going to deny until she's dead.

Speaker 185 Anyhow,

Speaker 165 she stays like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 183 But how do you get these things?

Speaker 91 How do you know that she definitely did something?

Speaker 102 I mean, there were girls' trips, and you know there's uh

Speaker 102 she left her like message board open on the computer every morning so what messages did you see just out of curiosity i mean like making plans for like you know meetups in the woods when she'd go on she's a rock yeah

Speaker 64 yeah yeah

Speaker 27 uh

Speaker 50 the old jungle bird has arrived again

Speaker 27 Go ahead.

Speaker 70 There's two reasons for that.

Speaker 102 One, I live in Yellow Springs, Ohio, so it's like a crunchy town, right? Okay. And two, she's Portuguese, and that's like where the prostitutes go into the woods, actually.

Speaker 70 Really?

Speaker 71 That's the thing with Portuguese women?

Speaker 85 Portuguese?

Speaker 90 Portuguese?

Speaker 145 It was wild the first time I was in Portugal driving to the beach.

Speaker 163 Portuguese?

Speaker 132 Okay. How do you know Portuguese women fuck in the woods?

Speaker 7 That is a stereotype I've never heard of.

Speaker 102 I thought all I do all day is I study stereotypes I've never heard this one yeah we were on like a family uh excursion in Portugal like to the beach and we had to like drive through a section of like a wooded area and there's like clearly a prostitute standing at the edge of the woods and I was like what is a woman doing in in a nightgown like at 11 o'clock in the morning next you know I mean it's like not the this episode is brought to you by Blue Chew by the way it's a little fun fact ZipRecruiter and Shopify wow this is so interesting.

Speaker 27 It's amazing.

Speaker 71 Were there any Ryan O'Neill?

Speaker 84 Well, I like how you led with girls' trips when you have messages of her meeting in the woods.

Speaker 27 Yeah, you should have just led with that.

Speaker 101 I mean, you know,

Speaker 102 she was

Speaker 102 indiscriminate in terms of gender.

Speaker 102 You know,

Speaker 86 hooking up with guys and girls.

Speaker 108 Oh, interesting.

Speaker 13 Do you know what kind of

Speaker 81 Red Bam's hard as a rock right now?

Speaker 119 Do you know she grow up here or did you import her?

Speaker 165 An import.

Speaker 111 Yeah.

Speaker 79 You did? Yeah.

Speaker 103 You really did. Where did you find her?

Speaker 25 Online?

Speaker 102 We actually met at a conference.

Speaker 102 Yeah, we were at a scientific.

Speaker 20 Was it a sex addicts anonymous conference?

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 102 No, it was like a science and engineering conference.

Speaker 27 Ryan and Neil. I was like, wow.

Speaker 174 Yeah, I mean, you could take the girl out of Portugal, but you can't keep her out of those woods.

Speaker 67 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 111 That's the old.

Speaker 101 That's right.

Speaker 78 It was a science conference? It really was, yeah.

Speaker 20 Was she a scientist, too?

Speaker 28 Yeah, she is.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 107 You'd think she'd be better at covering her tracks.

Speaker 102 One would think.

Speaker 119 It must rule to be a kid in Portugal.

Speaker 181 You'd fucking go into the woods and just

Speaker 181 pussy everywhere.

Speaker 148 That's all we did as kids.

Speaker 143 You go into the woods and like ride bikes and shit, look for pornos, and there's just naked ladies walking around.

Speaker 120 It sounds like they're eating each other out.

Speaker 148 It's like you're making.

Speaker 7 Build a fort, get your ticks up, you know, the usual kid stuff.

Speaker 47 Wow.

Speaker 72 But you didn't have any kids with her or anything?

Speaker 27 Oh, we do.

Speaker 102 We had two kids.

Speaker 27 Oh, shit. Okay.

Speaker 69 So you got kids.

Speaker 100 Are they yours?

Speaker 165 They are, yeah.

Speaker 165 Yep.

Speaker 165 Like, yeah, my kids look exactly.

Speaker 102 I've got three kids.

Speaker 102 They all look exactly like me.

Speaker 123 Are you sure, really?

Speaker 22 Are you positive?

Speaker 102 Like, really positive, yeah.

Speaker 102 I have a girlfriend now.

Speaker 20 Are you sure one of them doesn't look like a tree or something like that?

Speaker 9 Do you have a brother?

Speaker 125 I do have a brother.

Speaker 27 Oh, there we go.

Speaker 57 Has she ever hung out with your brother, perhaps?

Speaker 102 I mean, yeah. I mean, yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 151 Wow.

Speaker 102 I'm not too worried about that one, but

Speaker 27 you should be.

Speaker 33 You should be.

Speaker 187 It's like, what does your brother do?

Speaker 72 He's a hunter.

Speaker 82 Amazing.

Speaker 20 Well, Patrick, like I I said, the set was one thing, but you know what?

Speaker 91 Your fucking interview was so goddamn badass that I'm giving you a big joke book.

Speaker 45 A big black one, just like your ex-wife probably has right now.

Speaker 11 Definitely, thank you.

Speaker 188 There he goes, Patrick Lake, everybody.

Speaker 130 All right.

Speaker 24 Damn.

Speaker 164 Damn. That was a hell of an interview.

Speaker 53 Oh my goodness.

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Speaker 187 Your sausage mcmuffin with egg didn't change. You receipt did.
The sausage mcmuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just five dollars.

Speaker 187 Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 172 Prices and participation may vary.

Speaker 27 All right, this looks like a brand new name.

Speaker 49 I know it for a fact.

Speaker 48 That's always exciting.

Speaker 54 Makes a noise for Wisdom Anderson. Wisdom Anderson is the fourth bucket pull.

Speaker 184 God damn, that was a bad bitch up here.

Speaker 189 Shit.

Speaker 9 Where'd y'all find her at?

Speaker 141 God damn.

Speaker 189 Let's get to the minute.

Speaker 144 Like, I heard y'all talking about stereotypes earlier, and I probably did the blackest shit you could probably do.

Speaker 184 I got fired by a white woman on Juneteenth.

Speaker 189 Like, I mean, how the fuck does that even happen? I thought that was the one day y'all was supposed to chill on us.

Speaker 172 Just the one fucking day y'all was supposed to chill on us. But God is a colorful asshole like that because...

Speaker 189 If he wouldn't have did that, I wouldn't have been here. So I'm like, I know you was looking out for me.

Speaker 126 I know you was looking out for me.

Speaker 172 But I should have known, though, some shit started to happen different in my life. I started looking at white women a little bit differently.

Speaker 138 Started looking a little bit better to me.

Speaker 139 I said, I got to be coming into some motherfucking money.

Speaker 172 Because only money can get a white woman to start talking to you. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck is going on right now.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 172 Y'all looking at me like, this nigga is not fucking funny.

Speaker 172 I knew I was going to get you with that one. I knew I was going to get you with that one.

Speaker 172 But I like to get into the riffing and shit.

Speaker 135 I wasn't going to come up here with a fucking set.

Speaker 184 Y'all got to pay me for that. This shit for free.

Speaker 27 Oh, I love it.

Speaker 184 I love it. I love it.
I love it.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 119 Wisdom Anderson.

Speaker 30 Is that your real name, Wisdom?

Speaker 189 Fuck no. I got a slave name.
My name is Elgin.

Speaker 184 Come on now.

Speaker 189 That's how some shit you get on your feet.

Speaker 72 It's better than wisdom.

Speaker 41 I mean,

Speaker 148 wisdom sucks.

Speaker 127 Wisdom sucks.

Speaker 30 Wisdom, how long you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 12 Better question, how do you look like both main characters from the hit movie White Man Can't Jump?

Speaker 73 You look like Wesley Snipes in the body and face, and you have the hat of Woody Harrelson in that movie.

Speaker 184 You know what?

Speaker 16 It's Woody's hat and everything else, Wesley snipes.

Speaker 106 This is incredible.

Speaker 184 You know what it was?

Speaker 119 I played baseball.

Speaker 155 That's what it was. You did.

Speaker 174 I played baseball.

Speaker 184 Okay, what position?

Speaker 70 I had two parents.

Speaker 24 That's why.

Speaker 25 Okay, let's go one question at a time here, Elgin.

Speaker 49 No, I'm kidding wisdom.

Speaker 33 All right, so

Speaker 57 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 172 Shit, I've been funny my whole life in front of black people.

Speaker 123 I guess you just stopped before you came out here? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 27 All right,

Speaker 15 so how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 2 Mmm, 2021.

Speaker 64 Okay.

Speaker 172 I wrote my first joke during COVID.

Speaker 184 It was a fucked up time.

Speaker 100 Okay,

Speaker 21 relax.

Speaker 70 Let's just go one question.

Speaker 19 Are you on drugs or anything right now?

Speaker 7 Next question. That's right.

Speaker 110 Crack is the answer, everybody.

Speaker 130 So this is.

Speaker 70 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 119 Just a little bit of trees, a little bit of trees.

Speaker 77 Okay, a little bit of trees.

Speaker 76 Well, no cocaine.

Speaker 31 No cocaine.

Speaker 91 When you say little bit of trees, did you fuck the last guy's wife?

Speaker 55 Okay, next question. Stick with me here.

Speaker 16 What do you do for work exactly?

Speaker 91 Did you really get fired on Juneteenth?

Speaker 100 Why? What the fuck? I would come up.

Speaker 189 Yes, that really happened.

Speaker 119 Okay, some people write jokes.

Speaker 184 No, no, no, that really not.

Speaker 127 I only talk about my real fucking life.

Speaker 31 Okay, so, okay, very good.

Speaker 7 I'm not talking about the real jokes.

Speaker 185 You might want to try jokes.

Speaker 47 You got to get.

Speaker 149 I get paid for real jokes.

Speaker 100 I wouldn't come up here and tell a real jokes.

Speaker 128 Okay, stick with me.

Speaker 23 Stick with me here, wisdom.

Speaker 148 Now that's wisdom.

Speaker 135 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Hey.

Speaker 27 How often do you get paid for real jokes?

Speaker 31 What are we talking about here?

Speaker 172 Last October, I did the House of Blues in Houston.

Speaker 48 Okay, I mean, how did you get that gig?

Speaker 89 You didn't headline it, right?

Speaker 110 It wasn't live from the House of Blues, Wisdom Anderson.

Speaker 172 No, no, I was a feature act because I'm on the radio and I tell jokes on the radio.

Speaker 93 You're a DJ.

Speaker 172 Radio DJ? I'm a personality.

Speaker 119 I work for iHeart. So I actually write jokes for

Speaker 29 it.

Speaker 87 Don't get mad with it. No, no, I'm great.

Speaker 100 Okay.

Speaker 55 So, you write jokes for the radio.

Speaker 105 The first joke that you wrote during COVID, what was that joke?

Speaker 164 Do you remember?

Speaker 172 It was about...

Speaker 172 White people getting free kidneys. It was something about that.
It was about alcohol in kidneys.

Speaker 191 Okay.

Speaker 108 You made D-Madness a shame of his race.

Speaker 23 So

Speaker 91 he's going to step away for a second.

Speaker 99 He's going to come back in white face.

Speaker 98 Okay.

Speaker 77 So

Speaker 116 what job did you get fired from on Juneteenth?

Speaker 172 I was working at SMU.

Speaker 117 SMU.

Speaker 78 Explain to the people exactly.

Speaker 172 Y'all know what that is. It's a lot of white people.
There's Southern Methodist University.

Speaker 21 Okay, what were you doing at a university?

Speaker 48 What exactly were you mopping up at a university?

Speaker 172 I told you, Tony, I come from a two-parent black household.

Speaker 189 I played baseball. You know I got to be a little fucking smart.

Speaker 71 Okay, so let's go back to the questions, smart guy.

Speaker 55 What was the job that you had at the university?

Speaker 172 I was teaching tech.

Speaker 159 You were teaching tech?

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 96 And how and why did you get fired?

Speaker 172 I made white children tears.

Speaker 74 You made white children's tears.

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 191 Okay, what did you do to make white children cry?

Speaker 172 I told him, hey, you're selfish.

Speaker 110 Okay, what was the context of this, wisdom?

Speaker 172 He was being selfish.

Speaker 91 But what was going on, wisdom?

Speaker 172 He wanted the teacher to only solely focus on him.

Speaker 100 Can you tell me?

Speaker 172 So I teach tech students to teach youth

Speaker 94 tech.

Speaker 172 So the teacher in the classroom.

Speaker 124 Oh, you're like tech nine.

Speaker 135 Okay.

Speaker 99 Let's just get off of this whole confusing university thing.

Speaker 104 The ring around your neck.

Speaker 96 Whose ring is that?

Speaker 27 Where did you get that from?

Speaker 172 I mean, Amazon, you can find anything.

Speaker 27 You bought that off Amazon?

Speaker 100 Yeah, why wouldn't I? Why would I buy real gold?

Speaker 172 I can't really get that shit from Africa.

Speaker 100 Shit, why the fuck would I buy real gold?

Speaker 91 every single answer that you've given on this show is psychotic yes it's supposed to be the last comedian that was up gave honest answers about his whore ex-wife you and crushed it was so interesting you didn't ask about that well I can tell you this okay

Speaker 172 I haven't fucked in probably about 276 days so that should let you know I'm married That should let you know right there.

Speaker 113 Roughly, right there.

Speaker 148 Roughly 276 days.

Speaker 143 Roughly 276.

Speaker 11 I've been keeping count.

Speaker 172 If any married man are in here, y'all know the fucking problem. Y'all know the problem.

Speaker 22 So you're married.

Speaker 172 Oh, y'all don't? Oh, it's just me.

Speaker 135 Fuck.

Speaker 3 I'm trying so hard with you.

Speaker 13 You are on the show right now.

Speaker 48 Do you know this?

Speaker 100 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 128 You're married.

Speaker 132 This is where you would answer the fucking question.

Speaker 113 Are you okay?

Speaker 16 So the ring around your neck when I asked what's the ring.

Speaker 55 It's not not a wedding ring.

Speaker 80 Okay, it's just a random ring.

Speaker 93 Just a ring.

Speaker 9 And you don't wear a ring on your finger.

Speaker 94 No.

Speaker 100 Okay.

Speaker 102 Why?

Speaker 43 When you're not fucking at home, I gotta fuck somehow.

Speaker 189 My side, bitch, let me fuck.

Speaker 2 Boo.

Speaker 112 But you're not, but you just said you didn't have sex in two hundred.

Speaker 90 Do you see why this interview isn't a real interview?

Speaker 16 Okay, so you're admitting to having sex.

Speaker 22 Stick with me here.

Speaker 26 You're admitting to have sex.

Speaker 48 This is why radio is completely dead, by the way.

Speaker 121 It's because they don't really communicate with people, they're not thinking anybody's listening.

Speaker 111 I don't talk about this on the radio.

Speaker 99 Okay, I know you don't talk about this on the radio.

Speaker 27 You're not allowed, but you're allowed here.

Speaker 30 So, you cheat on your wife.

Speaker 31 You already said it.

Speaker 155 I'm black. Now, I'm just trying to ask you.

Speaker 19 I'm trying to confirm or where you could go. No, I was kidding.

Speaker 172 Look at me.

Speaker 184 You know, bitches want to fuck me, Tony.

Speaker 7 Come on now.

Speaker 116 Oh, my God.

Speaker 88 Dude, I tried so hard.

Speaker 48 There he goes.

Speaker 89 Wisdom, Anderson, everybody.

Speaker 60 There he goes.

Speaker 56 It's okay, wisdom. There you go.

Speaker 76 There he goes.

Speaker 63 Wow.

Speaker 51 The rare uncharismatic black man.

Speaker 51 Very rare.

Speaker 123 A rare bird, if you will.

Speaker 51 A rare

Speaker 125 bird.

Speaker 51 No, that's not the black bird.

Speaker 56 No, it's the rare African bird.

Speaker 63 There you go.

Speaker 59 All All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, on this very interesting episode.

Speaker 60 Make some noise for Vinnie Flores, everybody.

Speaker 135 Vinny Flores.

Speaker 7 All right.

Speaker 126 So I'm a rookie to this comedy field, right?

Speaker 126 And one of the things that a lot of the veterans tell me is that you got to be relatable. You got to relate to your audience.
So has anybody here ever done cracker heroin?

Speaker 126 See,

Speaker 126 when I was 17, I shot crack one day and heroin the next day with my older sister. We were in a motel on the run from the police, and she was actively being pimped out.

Speaker 126 That's never happened to anybody here.

Speaker 156 I'm just trying to be relatable here, guys.

Speaker 126 Listen, I'm sorry, all right?

Speaker 126 You know, it's not my fault, okay, that you guys didn't have a family full of people that love to make memories.

Speaker 126 And speaking of of my sister's pussy, yeah, you're goddamn right that shit got returned customers, ladies and gentlemen. That shit put food on the table.
We had to leave every two hours.

Speaker 126 And, you know, that deserves a purple heart because her pussy got absolutely murdered.

Speaker 167 All right.

Speaker 126 Thank you. That's my time.

Speaker 113 Okay.

Speaker 21 Vinny Flores keeping the exact momentum of every bucket pull so far tonight.

Speaker 98 This is incredible.

Speaker 25 Is it just completely insane people signing up now?

Speaker 15 It's exciting.

Speaker 82 No one wants to make it anymore, huh?

Speaker 152 People just want to come up here and absolutely just fucking flop around.

Speaker 80 Vinny, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 173 About five months now.

Speaker 107 Five months. What made you start?

Speaker 119 This show is a big reason.

Speaker 126 And also, I would.

Speaker 27 I would stop this show.

Speaker 91 We are no longer contributing to a positive comedy environment in the world.

Speaker 47 Okay.

Speaker 180 What do you do for work, Vinny?

Speaker 126 I work at a bar right now on 6th Street.

Speaker 125 You're a bartender or a door guy?

Speaker 126 A door guy, barback.

Speaker 151 Okay. Yes, sir.

Speaker 91 And how long have you lived in Austin?

Speaker 126 About five months now.

Speaker 176 Where'd you live before that? Michigan.

Speaker 191 Michigan. Yes, sir.

Speaker 168 Wow, the rare Michigan Flores, huh?

Speaker 184 Yeah. There's a few Mexicans out there.

Speaker 154 What were you doing for work in Michigan?

Speaker 55 I was a welder.

Speaker 135 A welder? Yes, sir.

Speaker 30 Why aren't you welding here?

Speaker 87 That's a good paying trade?

Speaker 126 I have about four years' experience, and everyone out here has got like 20.

Speaker 5 So it's super competitive out here, so I have a hard time.

Speaker 62 Interesting.

Speaker 118 Unlike comedy, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I get it.

Speaker 119 Let's go somewhere a little easier.

Speaker 69 Wow.

Speaker 25 Finney, is it true about the crack and the heroin?

Speaker 155 Yes, that's all true.

Speaker 77 Let's talk about that.

Speaker 162 Tell us about your history with crack and heroin.

Speaker 126 So I'm half white, half Mexican, and my white side is like Michigan white trash pretty much.

Speaker 149 So, yeah, my mom was addicted to heroin.

Speaker 126 And yeah, I mean,

Speaker 126 I ended up

Speaker 126 I got I tried it one time with my older sister and then after that how old were you when you tried it? I was 17.

Speaker 105 You were 17 years old and did you inject heroin or smoke it?

Speaker 126 Injected it.

Speaker 21 So 17 years old?

Speaker 30 You had never done it before.

Speaker 163 Had your sister been doing it?

Speaker 126 Yeah, but she was actually

Speaker 126 on the run from my halfway house. So she had been given like some pill or something to where she couldn't take opiates.
So she was shooting up crack.

Speaker 119 So that's why the day before she ended up shooting it.

Speaker 70 She was disturbing crack?

Speaker 126 She was injecting it yeah yeah yeah you like melt it down with vinegar i guess

Speaker 121 i guess

Speaker 27 wow wolf gang fuck over here is fucking teaching us how to cook crack

Speaker 126 wow so she like helped you do it and showed you how to do heroin i actually had to kind of coax her into it because i mean listen i was young and at the time i was like i'll try anything at least one time you know i want to i want to experience the world i guess This is good for the world to hear what goes on to Michigan 17-year-olds, everybody.

Speaker 116 This is the dragon that they're chasing.

Speaker 99 So, tell us about the first time the heroin hit those veins of yours.

Speaker 126 So, like I said, I already shot something the day before, and she told me that the first time you shoot something, you would puke. So, I guess I kind of got that out of the way.

Speaker 126 And, yeah, I was just sitting on the hotel bed, and it hit me like a brick wall. And I just remember watching The Simpsons and trying to laugh.
And it was like a zombie laugh like

Speaker 126 and Then I just passed out and I woke up wanting to do more heroin immediately

Speaker 103 And so you started looking for heroin, yeah

Speaker 126 so

Speaker 126 Part of that story is since we were on the motel my sister's boyfriend was also there who was pimping her out and that night that I shot the heroin

Speaker 126 She

Speaker 126 we were going to get cigarettes from the gas station and we jaywalked and they're all on the run for felonies I'm just on the run for like a weed misdemeanor in Michigan and we're in Ohio at the time.

Speaker 33 Everybody has warrants Yeah, everybody has warrants

Speaker 184 It was us three and you're jaywalking and we're jaywalking

Speaker 185 Yes, sir.

Speaker 99 This is like a tourist ad for the state of Michigan.

Speaker 168 This is incredible.

Speaker 126 This was actually in mommy Ohio.

Speaker 96 Oh well Don't talk about my mom like that for a second.

Speaker 47 Mommy, Ohio.

Speaker 124 I've never even heard of that.

Speaker 92 Top left corner?

Speaker 126 Yeah, yeah. So, I'm from uh Adrian, which is like it's 40 minutes from Toledo, so I'm like on the border.
So, if we want to do anything, we go to either Mommy or Toledo area.

Speaker 135 Wow, oh my gosh, which is okay,

Speaker 168 you got busted jaywalking, I'm guessing, is where the story is going.

Speaker 126 Uh, yeah, okay, yeah, uh, and then uh, so the cop, obviously, notorious jaywalker, constant jaywalker, D-Madness is back, everybody.

Speaker 17 This motherfucker, crosswalks do not matter to him.

Speaker 123 All right,

Speaker 69 Very famous Jay Walker.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 126 So obviously, since he has

Speaker 126 felonies in his name, he immediately just got booked. And I'm a minor at the time.
So they're like, okay, well, we need to take you to a guardian.

Speaker 126 And I had no choice but to go back to the motel where my sister and her boyfriend's friend was. And luckily.

Speaker 91 Boyfriend's friend now, all of a sudden.

Speaker 96 Go on.

Speaker 184 Yeah, yeah, there was four of them. Okay.

Speaker 126 And then

Speaker 156 it could have been, it could have been fucking her.

Speaker 5 I I don't know. Everybody was fucking her.

Speaker 126 But,

Speaker 7 yeah.

Speaker 30 Would you marry a scientist right after this?

Speaker 81 Keep going.

Speaker 134 Keep going. Just keep going.

Speaker 126 We went back to the motel and then the cop just kind of let me go in there and then he went away.

Speaker 30 He didn't notice that you were on heroin at all.

Speaker 119 I wasn't on heroin yet. This is like right before.

Speaker 126 This was that night.

Speaker 31 Hell yeah.

Speaker 126 And then I ended up doing his heroin. But

Speaker 156 I couldn't do like what he would normally do, I guess.

Speaker 126 That's what she was telling me because I would overdose so I only did a little bit and then skipped forward woke up wanting to do more and turns out that the boyfriend's friend stole all the heroin and that just left me and my sister in the motel and then we were kind of fucked after that best Thanksgiving ever, right?

Speaker 143 Sounds like you were fucked before that too

Speaker 30 It also sounds like every time you did heroin you would just fall asleep and then wake up craving it no real enjoyment whatsoever.

Speaker 92 Often when I asked people what it was like after they did heroin, they're like, oh my God, I felt like a billion dollars.

Speaker 30 It's a feeling unexplainable.

Speaker 69 You're like, I went to sleep and woke up.

Speaker 126 Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I would say it is probably like the best drug I've ever done.
I mean, the feeling of it was like.

Speaker 48 Did you feel like you were 5'9?

Speaker 164 Vinny, what's the coolest thing you've ever done in your life other than heroin?

Speaker 126 The coolest thing I've ever done in my life.

Speaker 31 Any big accomplishments?

Speaker 129 You ever saved somebody's life or fucking do anything amazing, win an award, perhaps?

Speaker 126 Nothing crazy like that. I used to play in band, so that's like that was some of the coolest stuff.

Speaker 155 What did you do in the band?

Speaker 126 I played guitar and bass.

Speaker 126 Yep.

Speaker 116 Okay, don't worry. I'm not asking you to play.

Speaker 140 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 7 Thank God.

Speaker 184 Thank God. That's what I was saying.
Dinny, what ended up happening to your

Speaker 20 heroin using crack injecting sister?

Speaker 110 What's her OnlyFans?

Speaker 156 She's doing good supposedly right now.

Speaker 126 I mean, she's a little iffy. She ended up marrying like some 50-year-old and they had a wedding in Maumee and she was barefoot for that wedding.

Speaker 126 And yeah, so now she's just chilling, I guess, just smoking weed. That's what she says.
I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 176 They might be doing crack.

Speaker 107 Did you go to the wedding?

Speaker 5 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 105 I went to the wedding. Was he barefoot too?

Speaker 87 No.

Speaker 68 Why was she barefoot?

Speaker 126 It's white trash.

Speaker 5 I mean, she literally forgot her shoes at the motel that they were staying at.

Speaker 173 It's pretty bad.

Speaker 62 Michigan's gross.

Speaker 23 We have to start deporting half Mexicans too. That's what this means to me.

Speaker 7 I don't know if you guys are with me on this, but I think I'm going to call my friends in the administration.

Speaker 127 I support it.

Speaker 126 If they're illegal, I support it.

Speaker 5 100%.

Speaker 20 I support it?

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 9 Vinny, all right, buddy.

Speaker 108 Well, you know, here's a little joke book for you.

Speaker 57 You can't mix it with vinegar, melt it down, and then smoke it, but you can write some jokes.

Speaker 47 All right, thank you. There he goes.

Speaker 166 Vinny Porz, everybody.

Speaker 45 Keep writing. Keep trying, Vinny.

Speaker 49 I have to tell people that so they don't fucking relapse on heroin and shit on their way out.

Speaker 89 They're like, okay, you told me to do it again.

Speaker 54 Like, keep signing up.

Speaker 50 Keep signing up, Vinny.

Speaker 137 Keep writing and signing up, Vinny.

Speaker 50 Don't give up tonight, Vinny.

Speaker 89 I'll see him fucking slouched over in the alley tomorrow.

Speaker 68 Okay,

Speaker 9 this is a moment that a lot of people have been waiting for.

Speaker 52 Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the stage, this is only his second appearance ever on the show.

Speaker 130 Ever.

Speaker 116 He's not a golden ticket winner.

Speaker 49 He's not a regular, but the man...

Speaker 158 went so insanely out of control viral his last time on the show, that I absolutely had to bring him back.

Speaker 112 A disruptor of the force of natural moving comedy.

Speaker 20 Some people are saying the next big

Speaker 60 thing.

Speaker 174 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return of Timmy No Breaks.

Speaker 192 Who's ready for the best fucking minute of their lives?

Speaker 192 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 192 You're a student? Not what I'm looking for.

Speaker 192 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 95 Oh, fucking motherfucker.

Speaker 192 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 192 And you, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 192 Time check?

Speaker 171 All right, come on, guys, let's go.

Speaker 192 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 171 Fuck you, come on.

Speaker 192 And you, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 192 I'm just trying to find a natural way into this fucking sushi chef joke.

Speaker 192 Does anybody work at an airport sushi restaurant? I mean

Speaker 192 I relinquish my time.

Speaker 182 Wow.

Speaker 24 The hardest I've laughed all night.

Speaker 18 The long-awaited return of the force of 6th Street.

Speaker 102 Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 16 All gas, no breaks.

Speaker 81 This guy left a dinosaur paw print size footprint on the show.

Speaker 30 The last time he was on, hard in the paint.

Speaker 128 Some people said the next big thing.

Speaker 16 Famously handed off his joke book to the man in the front row, whoever it was.

Speaker 153 And tonight, threw his sunglasses at a person in the front row.

Speaker 57 It's becoming

Speaker 27 a trademark.

Speaker 30 Timmy motherfucking no breaks has arrived back to the kill Tony universe Timmy how we doing?

Speaker 192 We're good. I'm a little disappointed to be honest.
I uh I told you I wanted Dan Cook

Speaker 192 No fitch. I mean, you know, but fucking you what you wanted him on the panel next time you were on is that what you said? Yeah, I hit you up with some requests.
I said a bucket of MHLs.

Speaker 192 I said Dan Cook and you know, none of them are here. So I don't know what the fucking.

Speaker 20 I tried my best to get him. Wasn't easy.

Speaker 47 We have to settle for Chris O'Connor and Ryan O'Neill tonight.

Speaker 192 You're Ryan O'Neill?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 93 It's for you.

Speaker 192 You just got served, bitch.

Speaker 192 Got your ass.

Speaker 192 Open it up. Yeah, why don't you show everybody what that is, bitch? Why don't you show everybody what that is? That's a picture of my Misha's volleyball team.

Speaker 140 Oh, Rush this man!

Speaker 62 Wow.

Speaker 68 All gas, no breaks, indeed.

Speaker 7 The people's champ of Kill Tom.

Speaker 192 The people's golden ticket winner, bitch.

Speaker 185 That's right.

Speaker 82 The people's golden ticket winner.

Speaker 27 I'm going to pretend like you didn't call me a bitch right there because I like you.

Speaker 154 We're going to keep it that way.

Speaker 192 No disrespect. I respect what you're doing.
I love you, Tom.

Speaker 47 Thank you, Timmy.

Speaker 20 I love you, too.

Speaker 107 So tell us, what does Timmy No Breaks do when he's not on stage?

Speaker 192 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 192 well, I recently got in some trouble. I went to play Laser Tag and brought a real gun.
That was not good.

Speaker 192 Can't you say something? Guys, when I hit a punch, give me some fucking trumpet.

Speaker 70 I mean,

Speaker 70 what's going on?

Speaker 192 Not yet.

Speaker 51 When I hit it.

Speaker 51 My God.

Speaker 28 So, Timmy, there's so many questions I didn't get to ask last time you were on.

Speaker 117 Like, what's what?

Speaker 115 I can't even imagine what a confident

Speaker 21 human like you.

Speaker 117 What is your love life like, Timmy?

Speaker 191 No breaks.

Speaker 192 I mean, I gotta say, it's definitely changed.

Speaker 192 I've had a bunch of bitches slide into my DMs. I had Hillary Duff slide into my DMs.

Speaker 192 Yeah, more like Hillary Muff.

Speaker 192 That bitch has a vagina.

Speaker 192 Fucking, Mr. Clean, clean out your fucking ears.

Speaker 140 God damn.

Speaker 192 I'm sorry, Tone. I'm sorry.

Speaker 192 Doing my best.

Speaker 192 Fucking, you know.

Speaker 62 Wow.

Speaker 86 So Hillary Duff slid into your DMs.

Speaker 159 Was this after the Kill Tony appearance?

Speaker 119 Yeah, it was after.

Speaker 72 It was after.

Speaker 15 You've really blown up from it.

Speaker 78 Tell us what life is like since that one appearance.

Speaker 96 You might be the most talked-about human ever after only one appearance in the show's history.

Speaker 91 12 and a half years of the show, and you might be in 60 seconds and one interview, the most famous character ever.

Speaker 192 Yes, it's been great, you know. I got to do David Lucas's fishing podcast, so I made it.

Speaker 192 By the way, when the fuck was your trumpet there, guys? Come on.

Speaker 106 I think he deserves something a little more.

Speaker 48 That's like a negative horn you're giving.

Speaker 13 It should be like a bad bum, bada, bum, or something like that, right?

Speaker 192 Tone, no.

Speaker 11 Give me a D.

Speaker 78 You give him a D. Give him a D.

Speaker 20 What's a D?

Speaker 59 I don't.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 79 Okay, I see it now.

Speaker 27 I like it.

Speaker 192 That was your D.

Speaker 192 That

Speaker 27 they nailed that one that time.

Speaker 192 That was a D.

Speaker 192 They really did.

Speaker 75 Wow.

Speaker 33 So, Timmy No Breaks, where are you originally from?

Speaker 192 So, I'm from Jersey. You already asked me that, but that's okay, Tone.
Yeah. Tone, it's okay.

Speaker 16 For some of the new people here.

Speaker 192 Oh, yeah, you probably saw my Kill Tony show. This is just going to be repeating it.
But yeah, I'm from Jersey. What the fuck else is new?

Speaker 20 And is there anything that you miss about New Jersey?

Speaker 192 You know, I miss the mornings. Spotlight?

Speaker 86 Spotlight for Timmy No Breaks.

Speaker 166 No doubt about it.

Speaker 89 Whatever Timmy wants,

Speaker 19 every member of the Kill Tony crew should know whatever Timmy asks for, Timmy gets from this point forward.

Speaker 13 There's a thumbs up from the great Yoni.

Speaker 16 Timmy, go ahead.

Speaker 119 What do you miss about Jersey?

Speaker 192 Yeah, I miss the mornings, you know, walking out, fucking walking up to bitches saying, hey,

Speaker 33 bitch.

Speaker 11 won't talk about this

Speaker 192 yeah that's what I miss most you know we're good on the spotlight thank you

Speaker 192 we're good we got out of that wow that's my story I'm sticking to it tone

Speaker 47 I don't want to keep you up here all night you know I don't want to be a bother to you let me know when you want to go you're the first person ever that I'm giving full creative control over here

Speaker 67 Yeah, I'm good.

Speaker 109 Okay, hold on.

Speaker 83 You're good now. You want to go, or

Speaker 88 you're good to stay?

Speaker 192 Fuck, Tony, it's your show.

Speaker 106 I mean, I don't know. No, no, no.

Speaker 67 I'm literally, again, I've never told the crew you get whatever you want.

Speaker 19 I've never given creative control to anybody.

Speaker 27 All right, Timmy, let's do this.

Speaker 91 Here's something I really want to know. And I don't know if I asked you this last time, but if I did, I'd like to apologize in advance.

Speaker 192 Tony, it's okay.

Speaker 96 Thank you.

Speaker 15 How do you make money, Timmy?

Speaker 92 No breaks.

Speaker 192 Yeah, you ask me that, Ray Tone.

Speaker 192 You know, I used to sell weed. Before that, I was selling Coke.
Now I'm just coasting on comedy, Tone.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 181 Timmy,

Speaker 70 hold the horns on that one. Hold the horns.

Speaker 192 Yeah, it wasn't a punchline. That's for real.
I'm doing big shows, bigger, you know, I'm doing

Speaker 192 H-E-B, I think.

Speaker 14 Timmy No Breaks is doing H-E-B?

Speaker 144 The grocery store or the arena.

Speaker 192 Tony, you want your fucking mouth.

Speaker 65 I'm sorry.

Speaker 83 I'm sorry, Timmy.

Speaker 82 Sometimes I fall back on my habits here.

Speaker 147 I showcase

Speaker 57 for making fun of people on the stage.

Speaker 91 Sometimes I mean, no disrespect to me, nobody.

Speaker 192 Okay, no disrespect taken. Let me say this.
Yeah. I think you have what it takes.

Speaker 11 I do.

Speaker 24 I don't.

Speaker 11 I don't. I want you to open for me at Lucky Duck Open Mic.

Speaker 11 Lucky Duck Open Mic.

Speaker 59 One of the best venues in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 50 No ceiling,

Speaker 67 no audience, and no breaks.

Speaker 121 Yeah,

Speaker 13 Timmy, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times about the New York Yankees?

Speaker 162 I mean, you are just an absolute fucking empire of your own.

Speaker 97 A one-man empire.

Speaker 151 Can I ask you, where do you get a jacket like that?

Speaker 192 Glad you asked, Tone.

Speaker 192 So, my dad would take me in the spotlight.

Speaker 192 John Dees, let's go.

Speaker 174 So my father,

Speaker 192 it would take me to the circus all the time. They would shove these midgets down in this fucking cannon.
One time they aimed it at a wall, shot this midget right into the wall.

Speaker 93 Bang!

Speaker 171 The midget slid down.

Speaker 192 Some guy put a fucking leather jacket over this midget.

Speaker 142 I laughed and I got this at goodwill.

Speaker 142 Wow.

Speaker 93 Yeah, bitch.

Speaker 182 Wow.

Speaker 92 Timmy, I feel like if we keep you up here any longer, I'm going to have to give you a percentage of the royalties of this episode.

Speaker 78 And I cannot begin to do that.

Speaker 91 So, I mean, I'm going to, unless there's anything else you'd like to say or do, I'm going to give you, or we could talk about anything you'd like.

Speaker 91 If you'd like to ask me a question or anything, we can do anything you want.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 192 Take your entire life, Tome. What's the most interesting thing about you?

Speaker 33 Go.

Speaker 62 Don't, Tome. Your entire life.

Speaker 192 Let's go.

Speaker 192 Well,

Speaker 77 I mean, you know, it's a tough question.

Speaker 20 No, I mean, I guess the most interesting thing about me is probably that

Speaker 27 I'm...

Speaker 90 It's not easy, is it, bitch?

Speaker 182 Yay, yay!

Speaker 10 Timmy, no breaks.

Speaker 156 Let it be known

Speaker 55 that at this moment, I am without a doubt registering you as officially without it even though you don't want it and you don't need it.

Speaker 132 You are the newest official golden ticket winner of Killtoni.

Speaker 132 You can come back

Speaker 132 anytime you want

Speaker 132 the tour de force,

Speaker 132 the sultan of 6th Street.

Speaker 192 Yeah, thanks Willy Wonka.

Speaker 11 Absolutely.

Speaker 48 I am excited to be opening for you at the Lucky Duck Open, Mike.

Speaker 57 I will see you there next and we'll talk about the future.

Speaker 14 Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for the great Timmy No Breaks, everybody.

Speaker 182 Wow.

Speaker 188 Thank you. Unbelievable.

Speaker 11 Holy shit.

Speaker 10 One of those moments you'll never forget.

Speaker 10 Wow.

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Speaker 178 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 190 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

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Not available in all states.

Speaker 55 All right, a bucket pull has to follow that.

Speaker 116 Not easy, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 123 Not easy.

Speaker 134 The chatter in the room for those of you watching the show is unbelievable.

Speaker 99 Men are proposing to their girlfriends.

Speaker 57 This guy's going to do some type of drug right now in the bathroom.

Speaker 49 There's a lot going on here.

Speaker 99 The place is in absolute chaos.

Speaker 136 And it's time for another bucket pull.

Speaker 135 Make some noise for Isabella Carozza.

Speaker 182 Hell yeah.

Speaker 193 My therapist introduced me to EFT tapping. Whenever you get nervous, you take deep breaths and tap on your face.
She was like, Think of it as like a massage for your inner child.

Speaker 193 I was like, I don't think my inner child needs any more massages.

Speaker 193 I started going to therapy because I would get really bad anxiety in social situations and become a huge bitch to whoever I was with.

Speaker 193 And my boyfriends would just be like, oh, it's because you're Italian.

Speaker 193 And then I went to therapy and she was like, you have autism. And I was like,

Speaker 193 I'm Italian.

Speaker 193 she was like you're retarded

Speaker 193 during the pandemic I worked as a cam girl

Speaker 193 I didn't do anything I just took my vibrator and did stand-up comedy with it

Speaker 193 the men were like shut up and pee

Speaker 181 sorry I uh

Speaker 37 fuck

Speaker 193 Is that 60 seconds? It was like six minutes.

Speaker 72 That was. Yeah, you got it.

Speaker 70 Right when you said it. That was it.

Speaker 23 Isabella Carozza, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 10 Isabella.

Speaker 4 Hi, Isabella. Hi.

Speaker 132 You've been on this show before, but it's been a while, right?

Speaker 193 Yeah, a few years.

Speaker 82 Okay, how long you been on Stand-Up?

Speaker 193 Five years.

Speaker 49 Five years.

Speaker 99 All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 193 Yeah, mainly.

Speaker 180 Love it. What do you do for work?

Speaker 65 I'm unemployed.

Speaker 78 Unemployed?

Speaker 112 How do you survive?

Speaker 93 I'm a stripper. Okay.

Speaker 103 Where are you a stripper at?

Speaker 193 I don't want to say, because last time men came in and asked me to fart on them, which is a real thing.

Speaker 101 Red band.

Speaker 150 You naughty, naughty boy, Redband.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 154 Wouldn't that make you money?

Speaker 193 It did, but it was just, it was a lot. It was overwhelming.

Speaker 129 You ran out of gas.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 70 All gas, no brakes.

Speaker 182 Wow.

Speaker 113 Did you fart on the guy?

Speaker 193 I tried. He got, we went into the back for like an hour and I made like $2,000 and I was like, I'm trying.
Because during the interview, I said if men get too handsy, I fart on them.

Speaker 93 I was like, haha.

Speaker 193 But he took it serious and he went to the Red Rose and was like.

Speaker 62 Wow.

Speaker 181 Yeah.

Speaker 127 I just said where.

Speaker 110 Went to the Red Rose.

Speaker 86 Bet it didn't smell like roses when you were done with them, huh?

Speaker 57 Isabella, how long have you been stripping for?

Speaker 9 On and off, like six years.

Speaker 74 Okay.

Speaker 193 What are some of of the other than the fart thing what's some of the craziest stuff that you've seen i imagine it's a lot um at a strip club what is crazy stuff i mean sometimes like girls fight

Speaker 193 but i feel like nothing really crazy i've seen like you know

Speaker 193 men will whip out their dicks and that's terrifying oh that's crazy yeah

Speaker 193 But like, it's kind of like, I just kind of show up and take money and leave. It's kind of cool.

Speaker 193 Cool. It's an easy job, I guess.

Speaker 70 Uh-huh.

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 97 Guys, have a great day.

Speaker 27 What's the on and off?

Speaker 33 What brings you back into the game?

Speaker 193 I was like, I don't know. I always kind of did it on the side of what I do.
So I was like an ophthalmologist, technician.

Speaker 111 What the fuck, Redman?

Speaker 33 Is that you? Bart-time optimal.

Speaker 7 Can I take a seat?

Speaker 85 Red man's just accidentally hitting buttons over here.

Speaker 22 What's going on now?

Speaker 181 Wait, what just happened?

Speaker 193 Can I take a seat?

Speaker 56 Did you just fart?

Speaker 59 No!

Speaker 59 Oh,

Speaker 25 what just happened?

Speaker 70 I put my balls under there.

Speaker 193 I just like sitting when I'm on stage. Is that fine?

Speaker 96 No, we're

Speaker 93 not video.

Speaker 87 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 81 You gotta stay in the frame.

Speaker 93 Okay, there you go.

Speaker 70 Wow, the world's laziest stripper, everybody.

Speaker 82 Who wants a fucking floor dance?

Speaker 127 I have a floor dance from Isabella.

Speaker 193 I am like the DMV worker of strippers.

Speaker 70 What does that mean?

Speaker 193 I just like, I have, I'm very cranky. I'm 29 now, so like, I'm kind of over it.
Who said that? Who did?

Speaker 181 Mary

Speaker 100 made that noise.

Speaker 110 29's kind of old for a stripper, right?

Speaker 93 It is.

Speaker 193 Stripper's age and dog ears.

Speaker 193 Yeah, I'm 29. Okay.

Speaker 72 Have you ever done a full nude strip club before?

Speaker 193 In L.A., I did, yeah.

Speaker 95 Cooter balls? Do you ever do cooter balls?

Speaker 127 What's cooter balls?

Speaker 30 Explain to these people what cooter balls are.

Speaker 164 Our senior strip club correspondent, Brian Red Fantasy, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 9 Where they sit there with their legs open you try to you know crumble a ball and like make a basket inside their vagina I would fucking disgusting red band fucking gross I can't believe you would ask that have you ever done cuder balls before

Speaker 90 no

Speaker 193 no I would climb to the top of the pole let go I would not do that

Speaker 172 all right Chris O'Connor How'd you become an ophthalmologist?

Speaker 193 No, I'm not an ophthalmologist. No, I just, actually, I met the doctor at the strip club, and he was like, do you want a job?

Speaker 18 Yeah. Nothing trivial happens at the strip club.

Speaker 132 That's what you said before.

Speaker 22 That's insane. An ophthalmologist hired you?

Speaker 193 Yeah.

Speaker 193 Yeah, I feel like I've gotten a lot of random jobs and stuff like that from dancing.

Speaker 147 What do you do at the office?

Speaker 193 Well, I don't work there anymore, but I would just like assume that.

Speaker 30 After she was Deep Madness's ophthalmologist, she lost her job.

Speaker 158 He used to have 20-20 vision

Speaker 23 no just assist him in like surgery she farted into his eye sockets and the rest is history have you ever been a nanny before a nanny no

Speaker 193 I think I could be good with kids okay

Speaker 123 are you about to hire her to like cat sit for you or something

Speaker 146 yeah okay

Speaker 78 Isabella what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or stripping

Speaker 87 sitting on this floor

Speaker 193 this weekend I went to Venice Venice Beach and I did like eight grams of mushrooms.

Speaker 193 It was so much fun.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 91 So like what happens when you're on mushrooms like that?

Speaker 193 Well I was what do you do? In Venice Beach it's fun. I once did eight grams of mushrooms and went to the strip club and that was crazy.

Speaker 193 I made a lot of money.

Speaker 30 Did you notice, were you on the beach obviously when you did it or in a place?

Speaker 193 I was on the beach.

Speaker 107 Did you notice that when the waves were coming in, that the waves kept going through the sand?

Speaker 91 No.

Speaker 193 I was once on mushrooms at at a beach and i saw this shit and they just keep going and you realize that it's all just one fucking thing anyway i had a quick question a mexican i do mushrooms on the beach too so eight grams you're not i feel like you're not even seeing the beach yeah dude you're in fucking space yeah this guy gave me like a drink so i like chugged it and that's what you should do yeah yep and it was it was a lot of fun i had like you know how everybody rollerblades on venice beach there was like this mexican guy like plummeting towards me and he was like no it it was just the best time.

Speaker 181 He was like,

Speaker 193 Yeah, I do that a lot, but now I feel like I hate saying that on Kill Tony because your fans are crazy, and I'm gonna go missing.

Speaker 143 You sound like one of the fans.

Speaker 127 Wow, I'm anxious.

Speaker 40 Where are you guys from?

Speaker 141 Okay,

Speaker 144 it's the stripper in you.

Speaker 121 It's a stripper question for sure.

Speaker 78 Fun times, Isabella.

Speaker 159 This is a medium-sized joke book right here.

Speaker 112 It's a good one.

Speaker 88 Isabella Carozza, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 24 Hell yeah.

Speaker 7 Good old.

Speaker 15 Ooh, there's been a lot of talk of birds on this episode.

Speaker 48 Look at the lovely Heidi, everyone.

Speaker 116 I mean, unbelievable.

Speaker 28 And this man's last name is Bird.

Speaker 58 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for bucket pull number seven.

Speaker 101 Mason Bird, everybody.

Speaker 77 Mason Bird.

Speaker 114 A teenager told me, I looked like a school shooter the other day that shoots insulin instead of bullets.

Speaker 114 He was like your least favorite part of a school shooting would be missing lunch.

Speaker 114 It better not be pizza day dude. I swear to God

Speaker 114 I Feel like the only way I can personally relate to Rosa Parks

Speaker 114 is when I'm walking through the center of an airplane And everyone's staring at me like that motherfucker better not sit next to me, dude

Speaker 145 He's very taking his ass to the front of the plane

Speaker 27 where the big fellas belong.

Speaker 114 No, I get it though. Like, I saw a dude fatter than me walking through the airport.

Speaker 155 And I was like, that motherfucker better not get on my plane, dude.

Speaker 114 It was Amir.

Speaker 17 Mason Bird, everybody.

Speaker 11 The best set from a bucket pole of the night has finally happened here.

Speaker 99 More than halfway through the episode.

Speaker 91 Mason, a fantastic set.

Speaker 57 How long have you been on stand-up comedy?

Speaker 114 About three years, sir.

Speaker 72 Three years. Where at?

Speaker 114 Mostly Detroit. I moved here a couple months ago.

Speaker 70 Very nice.

Speaker 91 So you live here in Austin, Texas now.

Speaker 72 Yes, sir.

Speaker 117 Amazing. What do you do for work?

Speaker 114 I work at Jersey Mike's.

Speaker 27 Hell yeah.

Speaker 114 Make it Mike's way.

Speaker 23 Jersey Mike's official sponsor of Timmy No Breaks.

Speaker 91 How long have you worked at Jersey Mike's?

Speaker 114 About three months.

Speaker 13 Three months.

Speaker 78 What did you do in Detroit when you left?

Speaker 114 I was a sous chef at a bar.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 28 A sous chef at a bar.

Speaker 105 What exactly?

Speaker 114 I just did a lot of the prep, hiring, did most of the cooking on the line as well. I was like everywhere.

Speaker 119 Do you think that it's good for a guy like you to constantly be working around food?

Speaker 114 Believe it or not, I actually, without working in the food, I lost like 150 pounds. I used to be 500 pounds.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 24 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 130 Incredible.

Speaker 18 What did you do to lose the weight?

Speaker 70 Tell Red Band how you lost it. It's just.

Speaker 114 So I'd eat one meal a day. That way I could get, because I like to eat like 4,000 calorie meals.

Speaker 114 And I would just limit it to once.

Speaker 28 So when you say 4,000 calorie meals, like,

Speaker 69 give this audience an example of, like, what's the most piggish you've ever been?

Speaker 127 Oh,

Speaker 114 all right, I get, so I like to get like three chicken quesadillas from Taco Bell,

Speaker 114 two cheesy gardener crunches, and I get two drinks. That way they think the food's for two people.

Speaker 30 What drinks do you get?

Speaker 114 You gotta mix it up.

Speaker 155 I like the Baja Blast

Speaker 114 and Cherry Pepsi.

Speaker 146 Yeah, yeah, amazing.

Speaker 27 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 20 So you still eat the same type of stuff, but just once a day now?

Speaker 114 Yeah, I just get it all in at once.

Speaker 87 I love it, man.

Speaker 70 It's goddamn fasting.

Speaker 84 A funny guy.

Speaker 162 You have great jokes, great delivery.

Speaker 28 Everything's right on schedule.

Speaker 94 How long ago were you that fat?

Speaker 114 Two years ago.

Speaker 20 Wow. So it's all just happening fast.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 110 Funnier and lighter at the same time, constantly.

Speaker 114 We're trying. Hell yeah.

Speaker 176 Amazing. Amazing.

Speaker 118 You guys have anything? I just want to know what time do you have to go Bigfoot hunting tonight?

Speaker 114 He likes to come out around 2.30.

Speaker 144 Your glasses, can you see out of those?

Speaker 155 They're a little...

Speaker 118 Very smeared.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 127 I touched my face.

Speaker 114 It was from the snack wrap earlier.

Speaker 111 I'm not going to lie. Wow.

Speaker 30 Timmy, no cakes over here.

Speaker 114 Timmy, all cakes.

Speaker 155 I love it.

Speaker 27 I love it.

Speaker 22 And you're also a ginger.

Speaker 48 You have that going for you.

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 70 Represent.

Speaker 20 Mason, what else?

Speaker 12 What do you do for fun? Tell us more about your life.

Speaker 27 What's interesting about you?

Speaker 114 I like to look at maps.

Speaker 114 Like I know all the state capitals. I'm very proud of that.

Speaker 114 Yeah, I'm really into like maps and geography and topography and all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 20 Is that because you're shaped like a globe?

Speaker 127 Yes, yes.

Speaker 21 Perfect. What got you into maps?

Speaker 114 I've just always been super like there was a Nat Geo thing when you were a kid and I I was super into that, like answering history questions and maps and stuff like that.

Speaker 151 Okay.

Speaker 135 Other than maps, what else are you into?

Speaker 155 That's fair.

Speaker 70 Um

Speaker 114 I really like eating once a day a lot.

Speaker 27 Uh

Speaker 106 so you look forward to these meetings.

Speaker 33 Oh, it's all I have.

Speaker 154 What time of the day do you usually execute the meal at?

Speaker 114 Anywhere from 1130 to 12.30 at night.

Speaker 145 So you wait all day.

Speaker 155 Yeah, I do.

Speaker 47 And you go for it at night.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 120 Just unravels a big map and just eats it.

Speaker 127 Well, well, well.

Speaker 127 Let's see here.

Speaker 148 Is it anyone who knows all the state capitals has a lot of place matches?

Speaker 20 So let's just go for last night, for example.

Speaker 13 Do you remember your order last night, what you ate last night?

Speaker 114 Yes, I know exactly what I ate last night.

Speaker 25 What was it last night?

Speaker 62 How many people want to hear what Mason Mason Bird ate last night?

Speaker 11 Let's go single spotlight on Mason Bird.

Speaker 114 It was

Speaker 114 two snack wraps with ranch, two snack wraps spicy,

Speaker 27 two McDoubles,

Speaker 114 large Coke, and a large spray.

Speaker 135 Okay.

Speaker 37 I've done that before.

Speaker 70 Yeah, I've done that before.

Speaker 118 This guy's like the rain man of meals.

Speaker 111 I mean, you could give him any date and he could tell you what he ate

Speaker 118 and what state he was looking at on the map.

Speaker 27 Florida.

Speaker 92 Have you ever thought about when you're sacrificing all day and you're hungry and it's the last meal of the night and you're the first meal of the day at night?

Speaker 30 Have you ever thought about replacing the most disgusting, heavy, caloric meals humanly possible with something healthy and losing like a few pounds in a day?

Speaker 114 Yeah, but the thing is, like, if I do that for two weeks, I explode and spend like $70 at Taco Bell.

Speaker 22 Oh, so it's like you'll just go out of control.

Speaker 114 Yeah, it's like I have to, like, I'm gonna be out of control. We just have to learn how to dance with it, yes, sir.

Speaker 127 How to dance with it.

Speaker 184 Tony, that's map money.

Speaker 7 You know that?

Speaker 94 That's wild, man.

Speaker 143 When you get done with the meal, are you full?

Speaker 27 No. You're like, all right.

Speaker 114 I'm more just like sad.

Speaker 114 And I'm like,

Speaker 114 man, I should have got another burger, dude.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 30 And then what do you do?

Speaker 81 You just kind of go to sleep?

Speaker 114 Smoke weed, go to sleep.

Speaker 114 Sometimes I'll look at old like Facebook photos of me when I was really fat and I'm like, I'm doing good, man.

Speaker 8 Yeah, yeah, you are, buddy.

Speaker 10 Yes, you are.

Speaker 11 Red band.

Speaker 156 I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 121 Boat.

Speaker 121 Mason Bird.

Speaker 62 And you

Speaker 46 have a big joke, book. Boom.

Speaker 88 Mason Bird has arrived to the Kiltoni universe, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 116 How exciting is that?

Speaker 81 Thank you. One more time for Mason, everyone.

Speaker 81 Alrighty.

Speaker 111 Bucket pool number eight.

Speaker 47 Right down the barrel.

Speaker 14 Make some noise for Max Sadawi, everyone.

Speaker 51 Max Sadawi.

Speaker 32 Thank you.

Speaker 194 As you heard, my name is Max. It's not short for anything.

Speaker 194 I think my parents knew I was going to be stupid. They took one look at me.
They said, three letters. It's enough.
I got an older brother. His name's Nathaniel.

Speaker 194 Yeah, I googled his name because I'm petty like that. Found out Nathaniel translates to gift from God.

Speaker 194 Beautiful, no?

Speaker 186 Fuck him.

Speaker 120 Because then I checked my name.

Speaker 194 My name is the number one name in the world for dogs.

Speaker 194 You know how many times I meet a girl, introduce myself, just for her to say, oh my god, that's my dog's name.

Speaker 166 It's not a good thing.

Speaker 194 She's not like, oh my god, that's my dog's name. Let's go back to my place.

Speaker 195 We'll do a doggy.

Speaker 194 Maybe in my imagination, she'd be doing that.

Speaker 195 She'd be like, who's a good boy?

Speaker 194 What else about me? I'm Jewish. Yeah, none of you look surprised.
I get it. Nobody was falling out of their chair right now.

Speaker 119 No No one's like, whoa, this guy's Jewish?

Speaker 119 Thought he was Swedish.

Speaker 194 Maybe Irish.

Speaker 194 Maybe Andrew Tate.

Speaker 76 I'm aware I have a mirror.

Speaker 67 All right, that's my time. Thank you so much.

Speaker 22 Max Sadawi, everybody.

Speaker 10 Am I saying that right, Sadawi?

Speaker 194 You're honestly probably the first person to ever get my last name right. So thank you.

Speaker 129 Thank you.

Speaker 28 I mean, I get to open for Timmy no breaks this week, So very excited about it.

Speaker 127 I have a new

Speaker 153 era of confidence around me.

Speaker 185 Max, welcome.

Speaker 48 Stand-up's a newer thing for you.

Speaker 15 How long have you been doing it?

Speaker 194 I'd like to say just moved to Austin. So recently, two months, but I was doing it abroad for a while.
Okay. But not like consistent like I'm doing it now.

Speaker 151 Okay.

Speaker 94 All right.

Speaker 107 And when you say abroad,

Speaker 134 where were you doing it?

Speaker 194 I was

Speaker 194 I was living in Thailand for a bit.

Speaker 93 Oh, boy.

Speaker 27 Oh,

Speaker 27 all right.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 194 Yeah.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 92 What made you want to hang out in Thailand for a while?

Speaker 77 What could possibly be there?

Speaker 93 Somewhere Maxes.

Speaker 128 Fewer Maxes.

Speaker 174 Wasn't the plan?

Speaker 194 It just kind of happened during COVID.

Speaker 47 You went during COVID?

Speaker 194 Right before, actually. I was traveling Southeast Asia.

Speaker 194 And then

Speaker 194 global pandemic hit.

Speaker 52 And you just stayed in.

Speaker 105 Wow. So tell us about that.
Tell us about your adventures.

Speaker 194 Okay.

Speaker 36 So

Speaker 194 January 8th, 2020, I landed in Southeast Asia. I remember the date.

Speaker 64 Wow.

Speaker 194 And I was in...

Speaker 100 I can't think of like a word.

Speaker 108 That's about the worst time to land in Southeast Asia.

Speaker 37 Oh, Tony, it was amazing.

Speaker 53 Oh, you liked it?

Speaker 133 It was great. Okay.

Speaker 194 Yeah, I was...

Speaker 110 Yeah, I was trying to. So how soon until you started fucking Little Boys?

Speaker 110 little boys lady boys whatever oh no something went down there let's talk about it max it's okay your parents are watching

Speaker 194 never the ladyboy tony i know it's how long were you in thailand for five years okay i'm gonna ask you one more

Speaker 180 what's your ladyboy body count

Speaker 194 No one ever believes me. I get it.

Speaker 22 No one ever believes it. Did you think about it?

Speaker 143 You thought about it.

Speaker 194 Oh, you think about it. Some of them are gorgeous.

Speaker 194 but that's a tell Tony that's a tell I know I get some more I know it's a ladyboy because gorgeous women don't come up to me like that

Speaker 30 John Dees has a question John if you like to ask it in the microphone I like the way you ask it just say it the way you just said it

Speaker 93 are you gay dog

Speaker 130 perfect Nailed it.

Speaker 194 I get called gay a lot in Austin.

Speaker 101 Me too, buddy.

Speaker 8 But are you? Are you gay?

Speaker 22 I'm not gay no. You're not gay.

Speaker 111 Okay, what's the gayest thing you've ever done other than sound like that and

Speaker 134 fuck ladyboys in Thailand and then lie about it for the rest of your life?

Speaker 194 Oh shit, the gayest thing I've ever done.

Speaker 194 That was a finger up the butt count as gay.

Speaker 27 Your own or your dad's

Speaker 63 dad.

Speaker 27 Red man.

Speaker 62 Red man.

Speaker 63 Okay.

Speaker 23 Max, what do you do for work?

Speaker 194 So I was working as a scuba diving instructor.

Speaker 145 That's what I was doing over there.

Speaker 125 Super gay.

Speaker 123 Super gay. Super gay.

Speaker 89 Under the sea.

Speaker 51 Under the sea.

Speaker 49 Fuck all the dicks.

Speaker 135 Under the sea.

Speaker 7 Okay, what made you stop being a scuba diving instructor?

Speaker 194 Man, trying to take comedy more serious. So I came down here.
This is where all the hype is at.

Speaker 25 So you stopped being a scuba diving instructor to come do comedy in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 73 Yes.

Speaker 16 Is that what you were doing in Thailand?

Speaker 194 Being a scuba diving instructor?

Speaker 107 Yeah, when you weren't inside of.

Speaker 17 Yeah,

Speaker 17 that's what I was doing in Thailand.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 118 Pulled that respirator right out of his mouth when he got into comedy.

Speaker 135 Okay, Max, craziest thing that ever happened to you while scuba diving or instructing scuba diving.

Speaker 120 I fucked this ladybully.

Speaker 136 It's not gay if it's underwater.

Speaker 56 Come here, you little mermaid.

Speaker 33 Is that where you got finger in your ass?

Speaker 194 If we were getting honest, I did fuck underwater, actually.

Speaker 174 That is something I did.

Speaker 194 Yeah, it's called the 10-meter club.

Speaker 25 Wow, tell us about that.

Speaker 47 How does that go down exactly?

Speaker 194 Yeah, so you got to find somewhere where there's like sandy, so there's no like...

Speaker 124 corals or anything.

Speaker 87 Yeah, right?

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 194 And basically you just put some extra weight than you normally would to get down there and make sure you're not wearing a wetsuit. Wow.
And once you once you get down there, you're

Speaker 194 basically doing a doggy young girl.

Speaker 24 You're doing it with the respirator on and everything.

Speaker 151 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 72 This is like when Redband fucks with his sleep apnea mask.

Speaker 27 Very rarely do I make myself laugh quite as hard as I just did, but I pictured it, buddy.

Speaker 81 I pictured it, my old pal.

Speaker 106 All right, so how long did this sex underwater last?

Speaker 100 Just at a ballpark.

Speaker 125 Oh, fair.

Speaker 27 By ballpark, I mean the fact that you both had balls.

Speaker 67 It wasn't long.

Speaker 194 It would probably be like, maybe like five minutes. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 100 And you came.

Speaker 194 Yo, honestly, when I came, it was funny because we're both... It's called neutrally buoyant.
So you're not on the bottom, you're not on the top.

Speaker 32 And once I'm in the middle of the morning, you put her bottom.

Speaker 194 well right like right before i came i basically just like pushed her off and she'd just see her go like

Speaker 7 i never got to do that in my life that was hilarious that is pretty cool that is cool was there was there like a chum trail like when she

Speaker 149 the fish the fish came oh yeah i bet they did not in that way not

Speaker 90 they're like this cum taste like shit

Speaker 38 my family's gonna be watching this

Speaker 86 Of course. It's amazing.

Speaker 92 That's why you won't admit that you're gay.

Speaker 123 I know.

Speaker 49 That's who we know, Max.

Speaker 30 Amazing.

Speaker 158 What's it like being Jewish nowadays?

Speaker 35 How do you feel about everything?

Speaker 15 There's a lot going on.

Speaker 27 How do you feel about it?

Speaker 100 We're doing this?

Speaker 15 Go right ahead.

Speaker 16 I'm going to let you take control because that's what you people want.

Speaker 74 Oh, my favorite Jew Yoni's not laughing.

Speaker 22 I might be crossing a line right now.

Speaker 194 Oh, man. Yeah,

Speaker 194 it's a delicate line to be crossing right now.

Speaker 27 Well, we know you guys have your lines and your borders, and fucking know those lines are always moving in your favor. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 78 How do you feel being a Jew nowadays?

Speaker 81 Pretty simple question.

Speaker 72 You could answer it any way you want.

Speaker 194 I like being Jewish.

Speaker 27 Perfectly.

Speaker 7 I'm proud of being Jewish.

Speaker 159 I like being one of the most watched shows in entertainment, so that's all I'm going to ask.

Speaker 27 There we go.

Speaker 7 Fantastic, Max Sadawi.

Speaker 57 Here, my friend, is a big joke book for all

Speaker 4 people running show business to see that the Jew is getting a big jokebook.

Speaker 4 There he goes, Max Sadawi, everybody.

Speaker 89 We're having fun here tonight.

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Speaker 196 Hey, what's up? This is Joe from PassCast Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show.

Speaker 196 We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America. It was basically 45 Days of Hell, or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper.

Speaker 196 We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me.

Speaker 196 It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So, check out Passcast wherever you get your podcasts.

Speaker 141 All right, bucket pull number nine: Make some noise.

Speaker 137 You guys having fun out there still?

Speaker 11 Make some noise for Micah Brown, everybody.

Speaker 50 Micah

Speaker 50 Brown.

Speaker 119 light bulbs are gay

Speaker 38 because they busted my ass am I right

Speaker 119 anal is a lot like surgery have you guys noticed this Anal is a lot like surgery.

Speaker 186 You got to wash your hands all the way down to your elbows.

Speaker 119 You got to prep. You can't eat the day before.

Speaker 119 My surgeon hates it when I eat before we do anal, dude.

Speaker 186 Fucking hates it.

Speaker 9 The drugs help.

Speaker 186 Have you guys noticed this?

Speaker 119 Surgery used to be really bad before the drugs.

Speaker 186 Amen. Here's a shot of whiskey and bite down on this.

Speaker 191 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 119 It helps with the anal too, okay?

Speaker 119 The drugs.

Speaker 119 The thing that ties them all together, though, like

Speaker 186 anal and surgery,

Speaker 186 is that

Speaker 186 the only thing worse is anal surgery. Stay away from those light bulbs, dude.

Speaker 186 All right.

Speaker 27 Boom.

Speaker 47 Okay, Micah Brown.

Speaker 81 There he is, Micah Brown.

Speaker 72 Okay, Micah.

Speaker 9 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 96 Wow, no one's even clapping for you.

Speaker 30 A whole set about anal and somehow it was the shittiest set of the night at the same time.

Speaker 72 What are the odds?

Speaker 81 Welcome, Micah.

Speaker 57 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 27 Not long enough.

Speaker 116 Okay, how long is that?

Speaker 195 Five years.

Speaker 116 Not long enough. Wow.

Speaker 62 Oh, my God.

Speaker 82 There's Red Band's one fart noise of the episode.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 47 Five years. Ryan O'Neill.

Speaker 111 I was just going to say, this guy looks like Fenton Tom Cruise.

Speaker 113 Hell yeah.

Speaker 74 You really do. Thank you.
You do look like that.

Speaker 110 Every mission is impossible to you.

Speaker 70 Amazing.

Speaker 33 What do you do for work?

Speaker 186 I don't. I quit.

Speaker 47 You quit.

Speaker 9 You quit.

Speaker 110 Blockbuster 14 years ago.

Speaker 22 You just haven't done anything. Sponsored now.

Speaker 27 What did you quit?

Speaker 9 I was serving at Fressa's.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 27 And

Speaker 72 the place with like the quesadillas, like a chicken bowl?

Speaker 93 Yeah. I love that fucking place.

Speaker 9 Beans and rice all the time.

Speaker 21 Oh, that's a perfect fucking meal.

Speaker 47 One of my favorite meals.

Speaker 27 You were a server there? I was a server there. Totally wrong.

Speaker 21 Why'd you quit?

Speaker 68 Great place.

Speaker 186 It was a great place.

Speaker 67 It's not a great place?

Speaker 79 No, it's great.

Speaker 21 Yeah, so why'd you quit?

Speaker 133 Well,

Speaker 186 things started going really good for me.

Speaker 186 I got my foot fucked. You got your what? I got my foot fucked.

Speaker 51 Your what?

Speaker 198 I was hanging out.

Speaker 77 Hold on, wait. Let's go back.
You got your word.

Speaker 48 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 20 Micah, you got your what?

Speaker 186 There was a woman's vagina on my foot.

Speaker 186 And I couldn't go back to work after that. It was like...

Speaker 186 This is a true story, man.

Speaker 110 They serve chicken at fresso.

Speaker 49 That's why Red Band's making a chicken noise for those of you wondering what a chicken has to do with getting your foot fucked.

Speaker 20 So let's slow it down.

Speaker 186 Yeah, let's slow it down.

Speaker 71 So what exactly happened here?

Speaker 117 How does a woman's vagina end up on your foot while you're serving tables at fresso's?

Speaker 186 Supposed to go to work, hanging out with a friend.

Speaker 117 Well, why would you hang out with a friend at work?

Speaker 27 Oh, you hang out with a friend instead of

Speaker 101 work. Got it.

Speaker 197 I was,

Speaker 186 things were going good.

Speaker 69 Look at me. Stop looking down.

Speaker 135 Go ahead.

Speaker 135 Oh, man.

Speaker 186 It was really fun.

Speaker 119 It was really awesome.

Speaker 2 So a girl.

Speaker 102 Yeah.

Speaker 171 Chris O'Connor. She was a day.

Speaker 186 She's a day.

Speaker 195 It's Austin.

Speaker 186 I was trying to figure it out. She's got a girlfriend who's dating a boy, and she's getting...

Speaker 120 There's no way the story is this complicated.

Speaker 186 Dude, it ended up with cocaine and my foot getting fucked.

Speaker 198 I don't know how to say it.

Speaker 33 Wait, Gibbs.

Speaker 119 But you did the fucking with your foot, right?

Speaker 186 Yeah, she told me to put my foot on the couch.

Speaker 93 Ah.

Speaker 186 And she got on the couch.

Speaker 124 Did you wear a sock?

Speaker 9 No, it was after the pull after the show.

Speaker 68 You don't wear protection during foot fucking?

Speaker 32 No, man.

Speaker 70 Okay.

Speaker 70 So let me ask you this.

Speaker 27 Was it toes or the whole foot?

Speaker 186 Well, I had three fingers in before.

Speaker 198 So it was the whole foot. I only have a nine and a half.

Speaker 186 It's not that big.

Speaker 67 You got the heel in?

Speaker 161 And then what work found out about it?

Speaker 179 No, it's like...

Speaker 27 Things are going good, man.

Speaker 119 I don't need to go back to Fress's and deal chicken.

Speaker 27 No, you do. Yeah.

Speaker 7 No, yeah, you do.

Speaker 7 No one's paying you, dude.

Speaker 27 You guys don't go out there.

Speaker 186 You guys don't get it.

Speaker 57 Okay,

Speaker 57 help us to understand.

Speaker 91 This is the interview portion of the show.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 84 Yes, here we go.

Speaker 195 Foot got fucked.

Speaker 119 Got to be in a metal music video.

Speaker 67 All in the same day.

Speaker 118 Same week.

Speaker 109 Okay.

Speaker 38 Then my buddy calls me.

Speaker 119 I get to go on a canoe trip in Maine.

Speaker 135 Wow.

Speaker 119 I could not go.

Speaker 119 The chicken thing was not going well.

Speaker 119 This is better than the chicken thing.

Speaker 13 How do you make money now?

Speaker 186 I don't think you understand, man.

Speaker 49 We found your catchphrase, that's for sure.

Speaker 186 I'm getting my foot fucked.

Speaker 198 I'm getting flown out to Maine.

Speaker 186 And you want me to sell chicken?

Speaker 57 How do you make money now?

Speaker 41 I'm open to suggestions.

Speaker 119 It hasn't come up yet. It hasn't come up yet.

Speaker 41 So you thought you were on a hot streak and you were just like...

Speaker 9 I can get another

Speaker 184 serving

Speaker 171 They'll give them to you.

Speaker 186 All you guys can work at Fresas, I guarantee it.

Speaker 119 They told me they would hire me back.

Speaker 174 So you're like on a sabbatical.

Speaker 113 Right. Okay.

Speaker 159 They're definitely not hiring you back.

Speaker 27 Oh.

Speaker 33 They love me.

Speaker 70 I would bet you have a zero percent chance.

Speaker 183 How much?

Speaker 30 I mean, I know for a fact they're not going to.

Speaker 9 You just called out.

Speaker 164 Called them out by name.

Speaker 84 You don't think they'll hire me?

Speaker 81 They're not going to hire you back.

Speaker 124 No.

Speaker 118 I'm like a little scared now.

Speaker 27 you're like

Speaker 33 no no no it's like you're really

Speaker 198 i don't need the job so i just want to know

Speaker 55 how much money do you have i'm negative 24 okay so where do you sleep fifty dollars where do you sleep at night hired back where do you sleep at night

Speaker 9 tonight uh-huh

Speaker 186 i've got a friend named brendan mahaney he's the best We call him Sarge, and he takes care of all of us.

Speaker 197 Wow.

Speaker 96 Incredible.

Speaker 77 So that's where you...

Speaker 69 Is that where you slept? slept. Tonight.

Speaker 33 Is that where you slept?

Speaker 186 Unless the foot girl hits me back. Maybe I'll go there.

Speaker 33 Okay, here's a little joke book.

Speaker 123 There you go, buddy.

Speaker 27 All right. Yep.

Speaker 15 Hard to catch when you are blitzed out of your mind on hard, hard drugs, everybody.

Speaker 85 There goes Micah Brown.

Speaker 115 Very interesting bucket pools tonight.

Speaker 153 Very interesting. Brendan Mahaney.

Speaker 48 We should have like...

Speaker 77 An actual psychiatrist backstage to connect with these people right after their sets.

Speaker 171 By the way, Fress's is really good.

Speaker 156 Don't like compare that good.

Speaker 49 Yeah, don't let the foot fucking drug addict guy ruin Fress's for you.

Speaker 136 Highly recommend it.

Speaker 48 Very simple, clean meals.

Speaker 47 I'm actually surprised you eat there.

Speaker 51 I love it.

Speaker 50 They're half chicken, man.

Speaker 180 It's fucking great.

Speaker 48 Saying everything that I feel.

Speaker 72 Your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 16 You guys ready for this?

Speaker 49 I know, I know it's one of those nights where it's hard to be excited about the bucket, but anything can happen.

Speaker 60 Make some noise for Bill Williams, everybody.

Speaker 54 Bill Williams.

Speaker 183 I like watching murder shows.

Speaker 183 You know, like true crime, forensic files, stuff like that.

Speaker 183 But I noticed recently that whenever they do the reenactments,

Speaker 183 the actors are always always way better looking than the real victims.

Speaker 183 Somebody's all sad, like, oh man, I can't believe they murdered that beautiful lady.

Speaker 183 But then I see the real victim,

Speaker 183 and I'm like, man.

Speaker 75 It's all good.

Speaker 183 I'm dating, and dating's hard.

Speaker 183 The other day I saw this gorgeous woman sitting at a bar. I walked up to her and said, you're stunning.

Speaker 110 You must work out all the time.

Speaker 27 She said, no, and I'm a mom.

Speaker 31 I said, wow, you don't even look like you had kids.

Speaker 183 She said, if I told you that this body gave birth to five children, what would you say?

Speaker 75 So I said, goodbye.

Speaker 157 Thank you, I'm Bill Williams.

Speaker 17 Bill Williams, fantastic.

Speaker 83 I like your style.

Speaker 118 I like your delivery.

Speaker 93 I like the whole thing that you're working with here how long you been doing stand-up one year one year wow we're at all san antonio san antonio that's where you're from yes sir hell yeah amazing

Speaker 183 yeah bill you perform a lot you do a lot of like mics in san antonio a lot of mics my first year i did 305.

Speaker 176 i see i had a fucking feeling some people say they do this three four five six seven years and they're doing it maybe once a week maybe twice a week you know that shit adds up fast i could literally tell that you've been fucking actually working at it what do you do for work nothing

Speaker 127 wow

Speaker 94 this is that's why i had so much time to hit mics that's why we're in a deficit right now not a lot of tax paying contributors

Speaker 183 in the country right now how long have you been unemployed for bill a year like i lost my truck driving job and i just hit it hard how did you lose your truck driving job

Speaker 183 they found a well they found a beer bottle in my truck yeah i had a feeling and then a week later, I got a DWI, so I couldn't drive anymore.

Speaker 94 Wow. Yep, that happens.

Speaker 104 Are you a Native American?

Speaker 183 No, there is some Native American in my family, but mostly Mexican, white, Spanish, a whole bunch of mix.

Speaker 151 Okay, awesome.

Speaker 129 Like Comanche? Do you know what kind of Indian? I don't know.

Speaker 80 You don't know what kind of Indian? I have no idea.

Speaker 123 You seem like I could picture you on a horse, like riding sideways with an arrow, but that's kind of racist to say, but

Speaker 23 not really, because you do look like that.

Speaker 72 Have you ever dressed up like a Native American for halloween perhaps or something like that

Speaker 90 where's sarah sloan is sarah sloan here she's out there

Speaker 26 sarah sloan

Speaker 82 she's at shakespeare's oh okay well she does a great horse impression oh yeah i've heard it i've heard it i've heard it

Speaker 183 um bill what do you do for fun um i mean really this is all i do is comedy like you like to drink a lot right Not anymore.

Speaker 183 I had to quit because of DWI, you know?

Speaker 118 But you already lost your job.

Speaker 184 Shouldn't you just double down on that shit?

Speaker 183 Yeah, but I was on probation. They made me do a breathalyzer.

Speaker 151 Okay.

Speaker 183 Like, I had to blow into that machine.

Speaker 120 So you're not drinking anymore.

Speaker 5 I'm not drinking anymore.

Speaker 94 Right. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 20 What else do you do other than comedy? What else are you into?

Speaker 27 I mean, that's it.

Speaker 183 I got a bunch of kids and a couple grandkids now.

Speaker 27 Oh, wow.

Speaker 70 How many kids do you have?

Speaker 49 Five kids.

Speaker 116 Oh, I'm out of here.

Speaker 72 Five kids. Incredible.
How old are they?

Speaker 183 The youngest is 17, and then they're 18,

Speaker 183 21, 24, 27. How old are you?

Speaker 93 45. Wow.

Speaker 27 Look at you.

Speaker 72 You're killing it.

Speaker 27 You look better than all the 20-some-year-olds that were on this show.

Speaker 16 We had a stripper up here earlier that looked 55.

Speaker 63 Incredible.

Speaker 7 Incredible, Bill.

Speaker 83 Yes, sir.

Speaker 133 Wow.

Speaker 162 Amazing.

Speaker 28 So what's it like raising kids?

Speaker 20 Tell us what's some crazy shit you've been through as a father, as a Native American father.

Speaker 102 I mean,

Speaker 183 they're pretty chill. Like, you know, I was kind of crazy growing up, and they always said, like, you're going to see when you get older, but my kids are chill.

Speaker 81 Amazing.

Speaker 20 When you say you were crazy as a kid, what do you mean?

Speaker 176 What are some of the things you would do?

Speaker 183 When I was 16, I stole Alexis from the Institute of Texan Cultures.

Speaker 101 Nice. Yeah.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 174 He was going to fistbug me.

Speaker 127 All right, I'll get it to you.

Speaker 7 Yeah, yeah, of course.

Speaker 73 What made you steal Alexis?

Speaker 183 I was walking downtown San Antonio, and

Speaker 183 we were walking through the parking lot of the Institute of Texan Cultures, and there's Alexis with the keys hanging from the trunk. And so that was it.

Speaker 24 Hell yeah.

Speaker 107 And where did you take this car?

Speaker 31 What did you do?

Speaker 183 Man, we were dumb. You know, we're 16.
We thought we needed, we drove around for three days, first of all. Wow.
Picking up our friends, going cruising. Wow.

Speaker 183 And then we were driving around the east side of San Antonio, like, you know, thinking we're going to find a chop shop. Like, we even know where that's at.

Speaker 111 And we got pulled over.

Speaker 183 The cops chased us. My friend was driving at that time.
He took off, hit a tree. We all jumped out, started jumping fences.
The driver got away.

Speaker 5 They caught me and the other guy.

Speaker 183 We spent two weeks in juvenile.

Speaker 125 Wow.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 183 Good times.

Speaker 115 Amazing.

Speaker 84 How many kids did you have at that time? Zero.

Speaker 146 Oh, God.

Speaker 30 Are you still with the baby mama? No.

Speaker 28 Okay. How long have you been separated from her?

Speaker 95 Since 2013, I think.

Speaker 183 Or separated before that, but divorced in 2013.

Speaker 107 How often do you get to see your kids?

Speaker 80 All the time.

Speaker 183 My two youngest boys live with me.

Speaker 94 Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 87 Awesome.

Speaker 72 That's amazing.

Speaker 124 So you're like a real active father with you.

Speaker 175 We're also chasing your dreams and being very funny.

Speaker 135 Yep. Thank you.

Speaker 57 How many minutes

Speaker 30 do you think you've accumulated in this year?

Speaker 91 300 some sets under your belt?

Speaker 99 About 25 minutes.

Speaker 29 about 25 minutes amazing

Speaker 135 I find you to be incredibly hilarious.

Speaker 27 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 22 I'd love to have you on the secret show 30.

Speaker 70 Hell yeah.

Speaker 22 Where's Sarah Sloan at?

Speaker 83 Give me Sarah Sloan. Where's she at?

Speaker 45 Sarah, come out here real quick.

Speaker 50 The great Sarah Sloan, everybody.

Speaker 59 Kill Tony royalty.

Speaker 8 You know,

Speaker 30 I think as a mode of celebration is in the air for you winning a set at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

Speaker 48 And since you are one of the funniest Native Americans that's ever been on this show, I find it fitting that Michael plays the Indian drum and the great Sarah Sloane does her impression of a horse.

Speaker 46 Sarah, grab that mic and let her grip, huh?

Speaker 140 You can grab his.

Speaker 26 Yeah, keep doing your Indian stuff, yes.

Speaker 71 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sarah Sloan's horse impression.

Speaker 24 Wow, absolutely incredible. Sarah Sloan, Bill Williams, Bill, you're leaving here

Speaker 83 with a true Native American leather

Speaker 188 joke book.

Speaker 88 Yeah, one of the greatest Native American comedians in Kill Tony history.

Speaker 169 Bill Williams, everybody.

Speaker 8 There he goes.

Speaker 145 That guy needs to do an Indian job dance.

Speaker 63 Yes. Fucking five kids.

Speaker 123 He could make it rain.

Speaker 12 Bill Williams, and now we've come to a part of the show.

Speaker 57 Now, I'm going to tell you right now, I'm going to be honest with you.

Speaker 116 william montgomery is out for the night everybody

Speaker 169 however

Speaker 48 just when you think there's no way to possibly put a ribbon on an episode like this i must tell you that there is one more performer one more regular that is going to do a brand new set for you fresh off of sold-out theaters almost every weekend Absolutely smashing the universe.

Speaker 73 I watched him do a long set last night on a Sunday when everybody else is off and it's nothing but up-and-comers.

Speaker 25 This guy's here doing long sets, going over notes.

Speaker 51 He literally works more and harder than any other comedian I know

Speaker 155 because he is trying to become an American citizen.

Speaker 4 But yet, still, he remains the Estonian assassin.

Speaker 32 This

Speaker 62 is Ari Matty.

Speaker 199 So I've been dating

Speaker 102 a bitch.

Speaker 119 See, the problem with me is I'm a jealous guy.

Speaker 183 I can't help it.

Speaker 199 I went through her like Instagram and there's like a lot of pictures from Miami.

Speaker 199 But she works at Chick-fil-A, you know.

Speaker 199 I go through the pictures, no guy.

Speaker 199 You might see like a ligament, you know.

Speaker 199 You know, like a hand on a knee.

Speaker 199 You try to zoom into that hand, it's a fucking prehistoric.

Speaker 199 That's who's paying.

Speaker 160 And she's got this fucking friend.

Speaker 160 See, every fucking girl

Speaker 199 has a friend, some Dylan.

Speaker 199 You know that guy who's lingering around your girl?

Speaker 199 Always playing the long game, you know.

Speaker 199 You ask her about Dylan. She's like, Dylan?

Speaker 174 You're worried about Dylan?

Speaker 1 I've known him for a decade.

Speaker 184 I think he's gay.

Speaker 199 And then you meet Dylan, you look into his eyes. He ain't gay.

Speaker 199 He's on the bench, fucker.

Speaker 149 You look at Dylan like, I know the game, Dylan.

Speaker 113 A wolf knows a wolf.

Speaker 156 You suck a few dicks to throw me off.

Speaker 173 All of a sudden, sudden eating my girl's pussy.

Speaker 27 You're like, oh my God, isn't this crazy?

Speaker 199 So the only thing to do next week, I'm sucking Dylan off.

Speaker 171 Just to see if it's true.

Speaker 144 Thank you so much.

Speaker 156 Thank you.

Speaker 188 Unbelievable.

Speaker 88 Let the record show that that is two minutes and five seconds.

Speaker 27 Once again, Ari Maddie doing double work, overperforming, absolutely hysterical after that huge intro I gave and knowing you and everything you would think I'd be smart enough to know that you're about to be hilarious meanwhile I decided to take my first sip of this delicious whiskey coke uh during your calm setup and you fucking got me you got me real good

Speaker 91 it blasted uh I blasted air out of my nose and it splashed up in my face and all over me and Red Band's legs.

Speaker 23 Red Band's wearing shorts, so it raw dogged his sweet little hairy kneecap right here.

Speaker 13 I'm like, oh, he's on the setup.

Speaker 47 I'll be fine.

Speaker 28 She's taking a trip to Miami, and she works at Chick-fil-A, and it got me.

Speaker 7 The air came out, and water came up, and

Speaker 78 drink came up.

Speaker 99 Amazing stuff, Ari Maddie.

Speaker 30 Absolutely fucking hilarious.

Speaker 32 Thanks, man.

Speaker 29 You are covering something that

Speaker 105 I think a lot of fucking people go through, and I've never really heard it talked about quite so.

Speaker 119 Are you a jealous guy, Tony?

Speaker 27 Not really.

Speaker 13 I mean, but I know, I know exactly.

Speaker 16 You look like a jealous guy, Tony.

Speaker 27 I look like a lot of things.

Speaker 185 What the fuck is this?

Speaker 123 Sir, I told you not to look at other men, sir.

Speaker 58 Who is this Dylan?

Speaker 47 But I will say this, is everybody I've ever hung out with, every girl, is like, oh, he's gay.

Speaker 26 There's always that guy.

Speaker 199 Dude, every guy here with a girl, they know exactly who the fuck I'm talking about.

Speaker 47 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 119 Oh, yeah. He's always a dude.

Speaker 149 And chicks have no idea. You know, he's nice.
Fuck you.

Speaker 33 We're all trying to fuck you.

Speaker 27 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 173 No man is trying to help you.

Speaker 27 We're all creeps.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Absolutely true.

Speaker 28 I'm always hanging out with a girl and they're like, no, that's my gay friend. I'm like, what's his number?

Speaker 27 So Ari.

Speaker 96 Tell us more. What's going on in life, buddy?

Speaker 20 You're absolutely crushing it.

Speaker 29 Last night you were in a theater in Jacksonville.

Speaker 173 It was Saturday.

Speaker 199 I was in Jacksonville, Friday, Orlando. I love Florida.
That's so much fucking fun, dude.

Speaker 59 People are crazy.

Speaker 91 It is a fun place to visit.

Speaker 199 Yeah, I went out with Cam Patterson in Orlando. You know, he's from there.
Dude, it was huge. 200 black people and me.

Speaker 32 Wow.

Speaker 11 Yep.

Speaker 119 Crazy, dude.

Speaker 22 Yeah, that's how it is sometimes.

Speaker 91 No doubt about it.

Speaker 72 Cam Patterson rolls deep.

Speaker 91 Every single one of his cousins, whether you're in Florida or Atlanta.

Speaker 168 Atlanta's another big hotspot for the Patterson family.

Speaker 11 I know them all.

Speaker 47 I know them all.

Speaker 92 They all know me.

Speaker 129 We all get along.

Speaker 72 Sometimes I do a little crip walk in the green.

Speaker 159 Impress my black friends because I am part of the culture, believe it or not.

Speaker 164 I am blacker than I am gay.

Speaker 199 My favorite is like when we're on the group chat for the gig, and then the promoter will be like, any guest list?

Speaker 149 And he's like, woo-woo, plus seven, Dookie Shoes plus 12.

Speaker 149 Bing bong plus eight.

Speaker 156 He's a good guy. He went to prison.

Speaker 27 I met Dookie Shoes.

Speaker 16 I actually know his cousin Dookie Shoes very well.

Speaker 71 Everybody's like fresh out of prison or about to go to prison or something like that.

Speaker 13 It's so fun.

Speaker 22 You would think that that stereotype was a little less true, but not with the Patterson clan.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 90 It's absolutely incredible.

Speaker 91 So that's fun. Florida's fun.

Speaker 20 How about after the shows?

Speaker 124 You're a little wild boy out there.

Speaker 173 Yeah. Oh, we went to Iowa Des Moines.

Speaker 111 Design.

Speaker 149 Design, yeah.

Speaker 135 Ever heard of it?

Speaker 84 Iowa.

Speaker 27 It's like the Estonia of America.

Speaker 70 Yeah, it is. Ultra white.

Speaker 173 Ultra white.

Speaker 7 Ultra chill.

Speaker 74 Cam Patterson wasn't at that gig, was he?

Speaker 199 Nope.

Speaker 179 Nope.

Speaker 199 And we went to like me, Martin, and Philip. Oh, David Jolly was on there.

Speaker 173 We're the crew.

Speaker 199 Me and Martin, David Jolly, if you you don't know by now, we're the fucking crew.

Speaker 81 Yeah, holding it down.

Speaker 199 And we went to like a concert just randomly, it was like a rock concert, one of those fair. It was like a feminist band.

Speaker 199 Yeah, you can't even call them chicks.

Speaker 95 You have to, it's they, you know, it's one of those

Speaker 199 between every song, they would be like, This is for all the men out there who don't take no for an answer.

Speaker 2 Bang, bang, you're a rapist, you know.

Speaker 141 Bang, bang!

Speaker 199 Entrance was five bucks for whatever you are, but if you're a guy, fifteen.

Speaker 173 I respect that.

Speaker 199 So it was just me, David Jolly, and Martin at this gig, dude.

Speaker 120 Did you go there trying to fuck chicks?

Speaker 98 Yes.

Speaker 199 That's why I go to gay bars and feminist extravaganzas.

Speaker 177 They don't even know what's coming.

Speaker 173 I'll be the Dylan there. Oh my god.

Speaker 173 God, totally fucking marginalized community, dude.

Speaker 199 Can I finger they?

Speaker 177 I.

Speaker 199 And then while they're rocking out this feminist extra work, runs.

Speaker 199 While we're me and David Jolly, Martin was meeting us there, because you know, he takes time to get to places.

Speaker 173 I ain't got time to fucking wait for this.

Speaker 177 Stoplights in demo are short.

Speaker 199 I see Martin, me and David see Martin behind the window. He's like knocking on the window.
I'm like, what the fuck? And he's got his dog. You know, Andy, the little fucked up dog?

Speaker 112 Martin Phillips as a service animal?

Speaker 199 Yeah, it's not a, it's just a dog.

Speaker 27 It's a dog. Oh.

Speaker 173 In his sense, it's definitely a service animal.

Speaker 123 I'm pretty sure everybody that's that handicapped, yeah, it's a lot.

Speaker 199 And he's out there with Andy and then he texts me. They're not letting me in with the dog.

Speaker 199 You should have seen me, dude. Fool Karen.
I go straight to the manager.

Speaker 27 I google federal law in America.

Speaker 119 You can't even ask why the dog is there. Fuck you.
I just kept.

Speaker 149 No, you should. Me and David.
And David Jolly, too. He's like, yeah.

Speaker 173 Dude, the owner comes to the bar and he's like explaining that it's law.

Speaker 199 If there's food being served, there can't be a dog allowed. I know, dude, I'm fucked up.
I'm literally yelling at the bar, like federal law.

Speaker 199 David's in the back showing the gun. You know, we're fucking.

Speaker 199 If the feminists on stage only knew the work I've done and I got that motherfucking dog in, dude. Yeah!

Speaker 51 I love it.

Speaker 146 You are a legend.

Speaker 169 And

Speaker 27 yeah, Ari Maddie. And also...

Speaker 87 Hello, Ryan O'Neill. And also...

Speaker 199 Does anybody remember the time I went to Florida?

Speaker 174 I went to Tito Ortiz's bar.

Speaker 199 And I needed my fucking belt for the fucking raffle.

Speaker 27 That's right.

Speaker 160 Remember when Tito Ortiz fucked me?

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 199 And you know me, dog. I'm getting my fucking belt.
So Heidi, can you bring out my fucking belt?

Speaker 93 Oh,

Speaker 93 wow.

Speaker 93 He won the Tito Ortiz. Tito Ortiz, where you went!

Speaker 132 Wow, that is incredible.

Speaker 13 How'd you end up getting it?

Speaker 199 Actually, Tito sent it to me. He's a very nice guy.

Speaker 27 He said...

Speaker 199 He's a very nice guy. He literally told me, you gotta stop Kill Tony people from coming in and calling me a liar and a thief and a scammer.

Speaker 140 No, he said it's a whole thing.

Speaker 109 People groups and groups.

Speaker 156 Fuck you, Tito, liar.

Speaker 140 Where's the belt?

Speaker 165 I love that.

Speaker 156 That's the Kill Tony world.

Speaker 27 Don't fuck with us.

Speaker 146 Damn right.

Speaker 10 Very rarely do I sick the Kill Tony universe on anybody.

Speaker 90 So Tito,

Speaker 152 good job playing along.

Speaker 91 Fantastic stuff.

Speaker 27 You are indeed the reigning defending Kill Tony champion of the world as well.

Speaker 11 Ari Imagi, ladies and gentlemen, the force

Speaker 10 of nature, the Estonian assassin.

Speaker 17 The drawing from Ryan G.

Speaker 55 Ebolt is in.

Speaker 46 How loud can you guys get for my fantastic fucking guest tonight?

Speaker 88 Chris O'Connor is in Cleveland, August 15th and 16th.

Speaker 123 And hilarities.

Speaker 17 Go to achrisoconner.com or go to the link.

Speaker 101 That's at ChrisO'Connor Comedy.

Speaker 30 Connor with the last two letters being OR.

Speaker 56 Speaking of OR, that's the first room I ever performed in in my entire history of stand-up comedy at the comedy store.

Speaker 55 And the first MC to bring me up, the first comedy show I ever saw in my life was hosted by one more time Ryan O'Neill, everybody.

Speaker 10 With two L's at the end.

Speaker 70 Go check out Slop Quest.

Speaker 10 The podcast is available everywhere.

Speaker 174 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 99 And check them out at RyanO'Neal with two L'scomedy.com.

Speaker 14 Thank you to Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify one more time for the best stamp band in the land.

Speaker 10 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight, everybody.

Speaker 79 While we all set, wow, that's fucking amazing.

Speaker 76 Cam Patterson on like some type of little boat.

Speaker 79 Absolutely fucking amazing. That looks great.

Speaker 55 Local artist, Chris Rogers.

Speaker 20 Follow him at Chris RogersArt, right?

Speaker 55 On social media. Yep.

Speaker 156 Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

Speaker 10 Brian Callan has a new improv show Wednesdays sunsetstripatx.com.

Speaker 160 Love you guys.

Speaker 47 We're doing it.

Speaker 188 We're really doing it red band.

Speaker 18 We're living the dream Madison Square Garden.

Speaker 4 I do stand-up on the 15th of August.

Speaker 123 We do kill Tony for the third time at Madison Square Garden, August 16th.

Speaker 6 When I go to Madison Square Garden, crazy stuff tends to happen.

Speaker 49 I don't know if you guys know about this, but it's a very, very...

Speaker 48 I have an amazing history at that venue um a lot of other fun stuff happening I'm doing stand-up everywhere getting ready for a big uh special taping at the end of September so check me out doing stand-up I promise you it's very very good

Speaker 69 and that is about it did you guys have fun tonight

Speaker 8 Thank you we love you

Speaker 60 good night everybody thank you so much

Speaker 44 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 44 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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Speaker 39 and this animal

Speaker 127 and this animal

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