#729 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + RYAN O'NEILL

Hey, this is Red Man coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up, Red Tony!

It's great!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh?

Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen, and the best damn band in the land, huh?

Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos, Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez, Big Mike on the drums.

This is Sean Greenberg joining us again here tonight.

Matt Muelling's

away.

The great John D's on the keys.

And this is, believe it or not, the one and only, the great and powerful, the force of nature.

D-Madness on the bass guitar everyone.

Oh my God.

What a special, there's a special vibe in the room tonight.

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The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

You guys ready to start tonight's show?

You know, every single week I book two of the best comedians in the world.

We're really doing it, Red Band.

We're really doing it.

And this week is no different.

It's not St.

Patty's Day, but they are both extremely Irish.

One is one of the greatest MCs in comedy store history, the first man to ever bring me on stage, May 7th, 2007.

And the other one is truly one of my favorite comedians, one of my favorite drinking buddies.

They're both two of my favorite comedians.

Make some noise for tonight's guests.

It's Chris O'Connor and Ryan O'Neal, everybody!

Monsters!

Two of the funniest people I know.

Ryan O'Neill, Chris O'Connor.

It's the O episode of Kill Tony.

Welcome to the show, guys.

Ryan O'Neill, Chris O'Connor.

What an exciting start to the episode.

Guns ablazing.

Everything is happening.

Ryan O'Neill has the Slop Quest podcast, and he's at Ryan O'Neal Comedy on everything with 2Ls.

Chris O'Connor is one of the stars of the show Tires.

I don't know if you guys guys know the number one comedy series in the world.

He's in Cleveland on August 15th and 16th.

AchrisO'Connor.com, literally the world's worst website for tickets.

A.

Chris O'Connor.

Is there an apostrophe in that website?

No.

He is Chris O'Connor comedy on everything social media.

Very, very exciting.

We are going to have some fun tonight.

You guys, Ryan O'Neill was a guest, I believe, very early on, 11, 12 years ago.

Belly room, main room.

You've done it all.

I've done it all.

First time at the mothership.

Ryan O'Neill moved here this week.

One of the best comedians in the world.

Thank you.

Chris O'Connor moved here last year.

One of the best comedians in the world.

Fuck you.

It's very exciting.

But you guys know how it works.

You've all done it.

230 tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

2-3-0 waiting in a bar next door, hoping that they get pulled out of this bucket.

I'm going to let the world's palest woman pull the first name here.

There's a lot of other things I could have made fun of.

I don't know why you're getting offended.

I chose pale, which is the nicest of the things I could have said.

And hell yeah.

So the first bucket pull is getting wrangled.

You guys know how it works.

When I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which rudely interrupts them and then I conduct an interview and me and my esteemed panel all fucking have fun figuring out what else they should talk about or what else about their lives is interesting.

They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in 60 seconds.

The whole thing is improvised.

Anything can happen.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Well, while we go wrangle that first bucket pull, we are going to watch a golden ticket winner start the show with a brand new minute, everybody.

The calm, cool styles of Make Some Noise for Colin Sledge, everyone.

A new minute from Colin Sledge.

Thank you.

I'm here to bust it wide open.

Okay.

I got picked on in school when I was growing up.

One time, this kid put a sticker on my back that said, kick me.

He thought that was funny.

So I put a sticker on his back.

It was just a target.

He was like, I don't get it.

I was like, you'll get it tomorrow.

I was always nervous around girls growing up.

I mean, I still am, but when I was growing up,

my dad used to tell me, it's important to remember that girls are more afraid of you than you are of them.

And I said, why?

He said, you're creepy.

They don't like you.

You're going to be alone for a long time.

My parents didn't really believe in me sexually when I was growing up.

One time my parents found this girl's panties in my bedroom.

My dad confirmed me.

He's like, so you think you're a girl, huh?

Thank you.

He's done it again.

Another strong new minute by the dry stylings of Colin Sledge.

Hey.

Welcome back, Colin.

Thank you.

Is this true?

Were you bullied as a kid, kind of?

Somewhat, nothing too hardcore.

Yeah.

Okay.

How about as an adult?

Are you bullied as an adult?

Only on this show.

Perfect.

Absolutely perfect, Colin.

And your dad, are you close with your dad?

Yes, very close.

I sort of live with them.

Oh, you do?

How old are you?

I'm 30.

30?

Living with their parents.

Have you ever not lived with your parents?

I went to Mississippi State for one year, and then I transferred back

to your parents' house.

Yeah, well, I went to a college in Houston.

Yeah.

See, I had a good year there, maybe.

Okay, one year in Mississippi State.

So you've lived with your parents 29 out of 30 years, it says here on

the spreadsheet that I have here.

So what's your plan?

What's my plan?

Well, I was thinking about, you know, moving, getting a place here so I could sort of be in both cities at the same time.

Well, if you got a place here, you wouldn't be in the other city at the same time.

Yeah, well, driving back and forth, like, well,

I sort of hit a bird on the way here, and I don't want to drive back anymore, because I have, like, a guilty conscience.

Wow, you hit a bird with your car.

It might have been two.

Was it some kind of jungle bird, perhaps?

According to my co-host, Brian Redband?

I think it was two doves.

And I don't know if I hit both or just one, but I was...

Jesus, were they turtle doves, perhaps?

I don't know.

I'm colorblind.

You might have the worst luck on planet Earth.

If you hit turtle doves, that means you're going to have a rough Christmas, from what I know.

Yeah, it felt spiritually very damaging.

Yeah.

Damn.

No doubt about it.

Tremendously bad luck.

Doves made for life.

So if you killed one of them, the other one's fucked.

Yeah, don't remind me.

I don't want to widow a dove.

I kind of hope that I got both of them.

Huh.

You were asking about a job, right?

Like, what was your plan for a job?

I think he just wanted me to move out of my parents' house.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, but he was like, what's the plan?

You're like, oh, let's just get another place.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I teach piano and I do comedy.

Oh, sick.

Yeah.

Do you like living with your parents?

It's pretty, yeah, we're close.

It's pretty chill.

You know, I have a garage apartment, so there's some degree of space.

Yeah, just make sure your dad doesn't warm up the car in the morning.

Fucking die, dude.

So, how long have you lived in the garage?

I guess when I moved back from college,

they might have built it so I would be further away from them.

But yeah, it was around that time.

Huh?

College?

College?

Oh, God.

Did I say it weird?

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

So it's separate from the house.

There's not a direct doorway.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's exciting.

But when you say garage,

does it mean there's a garage door on the front?

Well, there's a there's a garage door, and then there's a regular style door next to it.

Uh-huh.

But you, that's that's just all you in there.

There's no cars in the garage.

Well, there's

one car in the garage you can pull in the garage.

So you sleep next to a car.

No, there's an apartment above the garage.

Above.

Yeah.

It's a garage apartment.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't sleep next to the car.

I mean, you're so close.

You're saying it like I'm the asshole.

You sleep directly above a fucking car.

So whether it's your next door neighbor or it's just below you, you're next to a fucking car.

Yeah.

Up or down, side to side.

Yeah.

From, from.

That's fair.

You're next to a car, buddy.

Yeah.

Basically, the car is on the bottom bunk.

You're in bunk beds with a car, as far as I'm concerned.

What kind of car is it?

It's my stepmom's BMW, Suzanne.

Wow.

Wow.

Seems like there's one thing in that garage that your parents don't want to live without.

That's good.

It's the BMW.

Do they ever hint to you that it's maybe time to get away from them?

Not really, but

I sort of feel like it is time anyway.

Do you have siblings?

I do have a brother.

He lives in Honduras.

See?

Your brother is in the very far sit of your parents' garage.

Yeah.

It's incredible.

In fact, in Honduras, there's a chance of hitting an actual jungle bird.

There it is, the sound of a jungle bird, everybody.

Colin, you got it started with a new minute.

Congratulations.

Fun times.

That's the way that it works.

Golden tick a winner with a strong minute to show you how it's done.

Colin Sledge.

Now, this is where things get interesting because we go to the sweet, sweet bucket of destiny, which means we're about to either meet somebody or see somebody again

that most likely meets somebody that these could be crazy people.

It could be the next fucking great talent of the show, or it could be pure insanity.

They could be a 15-20-year veteran of comedy.

They could be a couple months in.

It could be their first time.

It could be whatever.

You get it.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Surge AM.

Surge AM.

Here we go.

Oh, shit.

What's going on, guys, here in Austin?

Yeah, um, that guy lived in my garage.

Oh, shit.

No, um,

yeah, uh, someone once told me that human trafficking is horrible.

I look back and I go, hey, man, just because that's how I got to this country doesn't mean that you could fucking talk shit about my life.

You know what I'm saying?

My sister's part of the LGBTQ community.

Clap it up.

But for her,

but for her, that stands for let's get another bottle of tequila.

You know, fucking drunk.

Yeah, you know, it doesn't make sense.

You know what doesn't really make sense?

She's bisexual, and she works at Chick-fil-A, so technically she's a LGBTQ CIA agent.

Yeah,

yeah.

Immigration got her last week.

Yeah.

People will say,

I'm a happy drunk, just hasn't gotten drunk enough.

Have you ever woken up still drunk, driving on the street?

All right, Serge AM, thank you very much.

Wow.

Repeating his name at the end of his set like he wants you to remember where you saw that magic come from.

Serge AM.

Forget the name.

Wow.

How long you been doing stand-up, Serge?

I've been doing it for about a year.

Okay.

How often?

How often are you working this out?

So I started in my early 20s, and I started at the Secret Group in Houston.

And I just came out to Austin.

I watched Kiltoni.

I saw Enrique Chacon on.

And I was like, dude, I remember this guy.

I moved from Colorado to Austin so I can do.

How long have you been in Austin?

For about a month.

About a month.

And you've been doing a lot of open mics and stuff.

Yeah.

Those jokes?

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay, and people are laughing in the room at these open mics?

Yes.

They are.

Yeah.

Is it mostly comedians?

Sometimes they're comedians.

Sometimes there's actual audience members and stuff like that.

Okay.

Here's the catch, Serge.

Is that almost nothing you said made any sense whatsoever?

So if there are people laughing, you're performing in front of insane people.

That's the good news and the bad news.

Heard, yeah, I got you.

Yeah.

Ryan O'Neill.

This is why we can't have Latinos anymore, sir.

You're fucking it up.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're ruining it for everybody.

Your first joke, the guy sleeps in my garage, but we just talked to him about how he slept in his parents' garage for 23 years.

The other year is in Mississippi State, so that didn't make sense.

Human trafficking, people complain, but that's how I got here.

Not really a joke.

Sister's gay, but she's LGBTQ.

Let's get another bottle of tequila.

Doesn't make not a joke.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, you're calling, well, my sister's a drunk.

Like, that's a setup.

Yeah, yeah.

She works at Chick-fil-A, which makes her LGBTQ CIA.

Why?

Why does that make her CIA?

Working at Chick-fil-A?

Explain that one.

Just go with that one.

I have questions.

I have more questions than a 60-second set should ever have about specifically your 60.

I don't even care about your life.

I'm obsessed with how weird that set was.

So explain the CIA Chick-fil-A.

Oh, fuck.

I don't know.

I just, you know.

You don't know?

No, I do, I I do.

You wrote it.

You should at least have some fucking weird theory.

I thought about the letters.

I just added the CIA at the end.

But if it was Chick-fil-A, why would it be CIA?

No, no.

Huh?

Don't look at the audience for help.

His sweaty armpits.

I was just like, oh shit, my bad.

No, well, but stick with me, I'm sure, buddy.

I'm getting easily distracted.

Yeah, yeah.

So, I don't know.

I fucking came up with it.

I was drunk one night and just thought about it.

And

I thought it was personally.

I thought it was funny.

I don't know.

Jesus Christ.

I think it's a good joke.

Thank you.

I think it's a good joke.

Surge.

He's just sitting at T's an artist.

He's just sitting at the table.

He doesn't have to feed you.

You know what I mean?

And then at the end, you said your sister got deported by immigration, but that that didn't happen either, right?

No, it did not happen.

Right.

Is your sister really gay?

She is gay, yeah.

How do you know?

Um, she has a girlfriend.

Okay.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I do not.

What do you do for work?

Uh, I'm a server at the moment.

Yeah.

You're a server?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, at a restaurant called Sawgrass.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, you D, you made a noise there.

You like Sawgrass?

you do

what do you get when you go to sawgrass d madness i get a tell the tell the truth oh you're saying steak you're lying no i'm not no really no my my my ex-fiancé took me to saw grass for the first time i love it okay

okay d

um real answers from the great d madness a steak hell yeah ex-fiancé that's a sad

oh shit you got de mad already maybe for you motherfucker.

You guys can't hear what he's saying.

Might be sad for you, you bitch-ass punk-ass bitch.

D does not let anyone get a fucking thing in on him, by the way.

Nope.

D, how do you like your steak?

Medium rare.

Medium rare?

Fuck yeah.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Fucking lootly.

All right.

Surge, what do you do for fun?

Give us one good redeeming quality about you, something that's going to make this whole room like you out of fucking nowhere.

I just, I used to make music and stuff like that.

What kind of music would you make?

I just freestyled and

listen to the noise the crowd makes when there's someone that we all know will not be good at freestyling.

There is a 0%

chance this is going to go good.

This is going to be incredible.

Chris O'Connor.

It's just letters.

LGBTQCIA, I was having a really good day up until now.

Until I got pulled out of the bucket.

Turns out I suck at this.

All right, Surge.

How long did you freestyle for?

This is something you took kind of seriously?

Yeah, yeah.

Moved out to Colorado.

I was just making music and music videos and stuff like that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

talk to Michael about a beat.

Michael, play it nice and light so that we can all hear exactly what the hell he's saying.

saying.

And this,

ladies and gentlemen, on a show where absolutely anything can happen is Surge AM.

Yeah,

uh,

I guess my set was actually pretty phony.

I don't even know.

I got my 60 seconds.

I'll kill Tony.

Clap it up.

Here we go once again.

When I shine, I will never show anybody that I pretend.

Yo, fuck it.

My sister is gay.

I made it every day as my motherfucking host.

But you know that I don't even care about these hoes.

I'm a go-getter.

Yeah, that's me.

Everybody knows when I never fucking sleep, I write stupid jokes.

Yeah, that was exactly how I thought it was going to go.

Surge, here's the little joke book.

Oh, boy.

Wow.

Wow.

There he goes.

Serge AM, everybody.

Make some noise for Surge.

He tried his best.

Tried his best.

Oh, listen to that pop.

The great Heidi has arrived, everybody.

There she is, live in the flesh.

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All right,

keeping it moving along.

Your next bucketful goes by the name of Jason Vest, everyone.

Jason Vest.

I lost my virginity at the Asian massage parlor

by a saggy tittied wrinkly old ass Asian woman that looked like Mr.

Miyagi

she had a raspy voice she was like

Her name was Mama San.

She taught me many lessons and this is what she taught When paying for pussy at the Asian massage parlor, always tell Mama San you have a latex allergy.

Even when you don't,

there's a pretty good chance she cannot accommodate your request and you'll get bareback sex for free.

Make sure your happy ending ends with you nutting in that bitch's cervix.

Yeah.

Drain your ball sack, not your bank account.

Always tell Mama San, always ask Mama San if she's got a new girl on rotation.

Add some variety to your Asian pussy portfolio, guys.

Geez.

All right, thank you.

All right, Jason Best

admitting to rape as his comedy set tonight.

Whoa.

Whoa.

How are you?

How are you?

Doing good, Tony.

I'm doing good.

I've always wondered what Santa's elves do in the offseason.

This is incredible.

So last time you were on this show before, and you did.

You talked about a lot of crazy, like, sex stuff.

And here you are, guns a-blazing, right on brand.

Is any of this true?

Oh, yeah.

I'm the Anthony Bourdain Asian pussy, man I was always going to massage parlors wow and what happened you said that like it's in the past now you no longer go I'm reformed and now I just help men achieve success by giving advice helping helping my brethren out how did you reform how did I reform I got married okay and she said well you can't be having sex with Asian pussy anymore so I've been married for 20 years guys 20 years wow 20 years.

No one's excited about that.

To a woman, to a woman.

She's going to love this shit.

Yeah.

She's going to love

Amazing.

So, Jason, remind us.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Five years.

And what do you do for work?

I'm retired from the National Guard.

Whoa.

Wow.

Thank you for your service.

Yes.

Where did you serve exactly?

The North Pole.

There it is.

The sweet Santa landed on the roof.

He wants to see us.

I was a recruiter for the National Guard in Jackson, Michigan, lake george new york and i worked in chicago illinois too for a little while okay wow some of the most some of the places where we need our military the most

okay what's the craziest thing that happened what's the most like

violent thing you had to do in the military at the National Guard?

Most violent thing I ever had to do.

I never really had to do anything violent.

Like, and I was a recruiter, so it's like a basic job.

People come in and they want to join the military.

You lie to them to get them to join.

It's just a simple process.

What's a trick you would use to get them to join?

I would tell them anything.

Like, let's say someone came in and they wanted to be a cook, right?

Being a cook, nobody that joins the military wants to cook the damn food.

They want to do like cool Rambo shit.

So I'd be like, listen, you're going to be like an executive chef or the president or some shit.

Oh,

very cool.

I was a top recruiter for the Michigan Army National Guard, Tony.

We talked about this a lot.

Wow.

Damn.

Bragg.

A lot.

Braggadocious.

Incredible.

Okay, Jason, what's something interesting about you that we didn't find out last time you were on the show?

Something interesting about me.

I am a compulsive eater.

Oh, okay.

Let's talk about it.

I mean, my wife's got to hide the peanut butter jars.

I am a compulsive eater.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I just traded for food.

I just traded booze and everything for food, and I just compulsively.

What's the most piggish thing you've ever done eating food?

I spent $45 in DoorDash from Whataburger.

Wow.

That's actually not that bad.

Yeah,

it's like,

I've seen your food order.

I follow you.

Yeah.

Those middle-of-the-night Instagram stories by Red Band.

Wendy's.

Oh, yeah.

No doubt about it.

Chase, and what does your wife do?

My wife is a photographer and she works for an orthodontist office.

And so she like runs like a call center.

She works from home and she helps me edit my videos.

Uh-huh.

And remind us, what kind of videos are you making, Chase?

I make content.

I make a lot of massage parlor videos where I use my past experiences to help men get Asian pussy.

Like,

I do that as a service, Tony.

No one needs this advice.

Have you been?

Yes, you just pay for sex.

It's great.

No,

that's the point.

He's teaching.

Teaching etiquette.

How dare you?

The condom is for your protection.

Oh, no, I go bareback, brother.

Bearback.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

Bearback.

You are the fucking weirdest dude.

Can't quite figure it out.

You're an interesting guy.

What's the craziest video that you've ever made?

The craziest video I ever made was a true story.

So I got on Kill Tony the last time, and my social media clips blew up.

I told a drunken story.

And these big corporate whiskey lobbyists reach out to me and ask me to make content to get people to stop drinking Crown Royal because in Canada, they're throwing American American whiskey off the shelves over this Donald Trump tariff bullshit.

And they wanted me to make videos.

And I, first off, I grew up in Michigan on the Detroit border.

I'm like, I didn't feel comfortable doing it.

And the guy was like, it's $700 for a 30-second video.

I'm like, fuck Canada.

Some of the best stories are drinking American whiskey.

Am I right?

Jack Daniels, hell yeah,

Fireball.

All right, Jason.

What size joke book did you get last time?

I got a big one.

Okay, well, guess what?

Here's a little something to add to your collection.

It's a little one.

Ah, the first catch of the night.

Jason, best.

There he goes, everybody.

Whoa, I just accidentally ripped this in half.

That's a first.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for...

You guys having fun out there, huh?

A couple of very odd bucket pulls to start the show, but it's okay.

Make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Patrick Lake, everyone.

Patrick Lake.

When

cops that are looking to get laid get rejected,

do they jump straight into stop resisting, stop resisting, stop resisting?

A doctor's office from my hometown was was raided.

The doctor there was arrested and charged with crimes related to trading sex for pills and sexual imposition on patients.

And as a patient of that practice, when news broke, I couldn't believe that someone told that was Dr.

Feelgood.

I went to doc for back pain and everything started normal enough.

Doc started checking me over and then doing those resistance checks.

You know, don't let me push your arm down.

Good.

Then the other side, good.

Don't let me pull your pants down.

Wait, what?

But before I could say anything, my pants and drawers were at my ankles.

And Doc said, don't let me make you come.

Well, doctor.

And as I stood there getting topped off by my doctor, I realized I didn't know my insurance covered this and I didn't even have copay.

Patrick Lake.

Hello, buddy.

How are you?

Doing well.

How are you doing?

Good.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Just celebrated three years.

Okay.

How did you celebrate?

By being

worse than ever?

Did you celebrate by burning every joke you've ever written and starting from absolute scratch?

That's something like that.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Where was this three years at?

Hell?

Imagine that if you die and go to hell, you're the full-time comedian and you just keep doing your act 24 hours a day and everybody has to stay awake and watch it all the time.

Yeah.

Was it in hell?

Close.

Dayton, Ohio.

Dayton, Ohio.

Pretty close.

One of the closest cities to hell on planet Earth.

Patrick, what do you do for work?

A material scientist.

That's how I spend most of my time.

What exactly is a material scientist?

A nerd.

I've got a background in chemistry and chemical engineering and then specialize in nanomaterials.

What exactly are nanomaterials?

It's like an additive to composites.

Imps

excellent properties into like aerospace and defense applications, mostly used by the the military.

Do you have to wear like a hard hat or a mask or something?

Yeah, occasionally, yes.

Yeah.

Like a mask?

Mask, yeah.

Okay.

Is it dangerous?

I mean, it can be if you were like trying to eat it or breathe it.

Yeah.

But as long as you handle it safely.

Have you ever seen anybody eat it or breathe it?

No.

Okay.

No.

You've never seen anything go wrong with nanomaterials?

I personally have not.

No, I'm trying to be safe practices and all.

Are you thinking about all that fucked up shit while you're working with materials?

No, I got into comedy as like a, you know, kind of a relief, a release.

Kind of a serious.

Let's just take the night off.

You ever drug and rape chicks in a hospital?

Just trying to relax here, guys.

Just trying to.

My dot got me started off on the wrong foot.

Okay.

You married?

I was, just recently divorced.

How recently did you get divorced?

Like, it finalized two months ago.

Two months.

Fresh on the market.

How long were you married for?

15 years.

15 years.

Explain to me what went wrong.

I think it was an accumulation of things, but it came as a big surprise to me.

I thought we were in counseling.

Let's talk about the accumulation, if you don't mind, because this is the most interesting thing about since you arrived at the stage.

You know, the interview here is like kind of raw.

Yeah, nanomaterials.

Yeah, pretty good.

Yeah, nanomaterials wasn't cutting it.

So, when you say there was an accumulation of things, that the 15 years went wrong, what do you mean exactly?

Well, she was catching a lot of bodies during those 15 years.

Whoa,

okay,

all right.

How do you know she was catching bodies?

Yeah, there were lots of signs.

Can you give us some of the signs?

We're all very interested.

Yeah, well,

best TIs.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Now we're talking.

This is very compelling.

Give this guy a round of applause, huh?

That's what I love about this show: all of a sudden, it just hits you out of nowhere.

And I lay some on the edge of my seat.

Ryan, O'Neill, you feel good about this, right?

Yeah.

Was this all happening while you were collecting turquoise?

It's like, what?

Yeah.

I got distracted.

Yeah, maybe you should have spent more time paying it.

Keep your eye on the prize.

That's right.

Yeah.

It's a pretty stone, though.

Okay.

So STIs.

And so you caught an STI.

Which one?

Out of curiosity.

Actually, I didn't.

She did.

She did.

And it was just on one of those appointments.

It was like, hey, honey, you want me to come along?

Oh, shit.

And you went along with her.

And I went along.

And you're in the room, and the doctor says, well, you have.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm just going to go ahead and send in some.

Yeah.

That's a suspicious man right there.

I'm going with you.

Yeah.

I want to see what it says.

My God.

I want to see the lab results.

Yeah.

I find this so compelling.

So can you kind of paint the picture for us?

Yeah, I mean, like,

she had a fishy smell.

And I was like, you know what?

Yeah, that'll do it.

This is a little bit odd.

And then, you know she was kind of trying to glaze past that with the doc and I was like you know hey honey what about that

little fishy smell and then you know the doc did a swab and as soon as she got close to my then wife she said oh nope I'm gonna call in a prescription for antibiotics and I said well do I need some too and she said oh no you'd be fine there's only a you sure she's just not Filipino

shit known for the smell

so the reason why you didn't need a swab, I'm guessing, is because you guys weren't actively having sex.

Yeah, the thing that she was diagnosed with there was BV

bacterial vaginosis, which apparently us fellas don't have to take something for us.

Right.

So

did she admit to you like on the spot, on the drive home?

Oh, no, no.

And she's going to deny until she's dead.

Anyhow,

she stays like, you know what I mean?

But how do you get these things?

How do you know that she definitely did something?

I mean, there were girls' trips, and you know there's uh

she left her like message board open on the computer every morning so what messages did you see just out of curiosity i mean like making plans for like you know meetups in the woods when she'd go on she's a rock yeah

yeah yeah

uh

the old jungle bird has arrived again

Go ahead.

There's two reasons for that.

One, I live in Yellow Springs, Ohio, so it's like a crunchy town, right?

Okay.

And two, she's Portuguese, and that's like where the prostitutes go into the woods, actually.

Really?

That's the thing with Portuguese women?

Portuguese?

Portuguese?

It was wild the first time I was in Portugal driving to the beach.

Portuguese?

Okay.

How do you know Portuguese women fuck in the woods?

That is a stereotype I've never heard of.

I thought all I do all day is I study stereotypes I've never heard this one yeah we were on like a family uh excursion in Portugal like to the beach and we had to like drive through a section of like a wooded area and there's like clearly a prostitute standing at the edge of the woods and I was like what is a woman doing in in a nightgown like at 11 o'clock in the morning next you know I mean it's like not the this episode is brought to you by Blue Chew by the way it's a little fun fact ZipRecruiter and Shopify wow this is so interesting.

It's amazing.

Were there any Ryan O'Neill?

Well, I like how you led with girls' trips when you have messages of her meeting in the woods.

Yeah, you should have just led with that.

I mean, you know,

she was

indiscriminate in terms of gender.

You know,

hooking up with guys and girls.

Oh, interesting.

Do you know what kind of

Red Bam's hard as a rock right now?

Do you know she grow up here or did you import her?

An import.

Yeah.

You did?

Yeah.

You really did.

Where did you find her?

Online?

We actually met at a conference.

Yeah, we were at a scientific.

Was it a sex addicts anonymous conference?

Okay.

No, it was like a science and engineering conference.

Ryan and Neil.

I was like, wow.

Yeah, I mean, you could take the girl out of Portugal, but you can't keep her out of those woods.

You know what I'm saying?

That's the old.

That's right.

It was a science conference?

It really was, yeah.

Was she a scientist, too?

Yeah, she is.

Wow.

You'd think she'd be better at covering her tracks.

One would think.

It must rule to be a kid in Portugal.

You'd fucking go into the woods and just

pussy everywhere.

That's all we did as kids.

You go into the woods and like ride bikes and shit, look for pornos, and there's just naked ladies walking around.

It sounds like they're eating each other out.

It's like you're making.

Build a fort, get your ticks up, you know, the usual kid stuff.

Wow.

But you didn't have any kids with her or anything?

Oh, we do.

We had two kids.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

So you got kids.

Are they yours?

They are, yeah.

Yep.

Like, yeah, my kids look exactly.

I've got three kids.

They all look exactly like me.

Are you sure, really?

Are you positive?

Like, really positive, yeah.

I have a girlfriend now.

Are you sure one of them doesn't look like a tree or something like that?

Do you have a brother?

I do have a brother.

Oh, there we go.

Has she ever hung out with your brother, perhaps?

I mean, yeah.

I mean, yes.

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm not too worried about that one, but

you should be.

You should be.

It's like, what does your brother do?

He's a hunter.

Amazing.

Well, Patrick, like I I said, the set was one thing, but you know what?

Your fucking interview was so goddamn badass that I'm giving you a big joke book.

A big black one, just like your ex-wife probably has right now.

Definitely, thank you.

There he goes, Patrick Lake, everybody.

All right.

Damn.

Damn.

That was a hell of an interview.

Oh my goodness.

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All right, this looks like a brand new name.

I know it for a fact.

That's always exciting.

Makes a noise for Wisdom Anderson.

Wisdom Anderson is the fourth bucket pull.

God damn, that was a bad bitch up here.

Shit.

Where'd y'all find her at?

God damn.

Let's get to the minute.

Like, I heard y'all talking about stereotypes earlier, and I probably did the blackest shit you could probably do.

I got fired by a white woman on Juneteenth.

Like, I mean, how the fuck does that even happen?

I thought that was the one day y'all was supposed to chill on us.

Just the one fucking day y'all was supposed to chill on us.

But God is a colorful asshole like that because...

If he wouldn't have did that, I wouldn't have been here.

So I'm like, I know you was looking out for me.

I know you was looking out for me.

But I should have known, though, some shit started to happen different in my life.

I started looking at white women a little bit differently.

Started looking a little bit better to me.

I said, I got to be coming into some motherfucking money.

Because only money can get a white woman to start talking to you.

I'm like, I don't know what the fuck is going on right now.

Okay.

Y'all looking at me like, this nigga is not fucking funny.

I knew I was going to get you with that one.

I knew I was going to get you with that one.

But I like to get into the riffing and shit.

I wasn't going to come up here with a fucking set.

Y'all got to pay me for that.

This shit for free.

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

Okay.

Wisdom Anderson.

Is that your real name, Wisdom?

Fuck no.

I got a slave name.

My name is Elgin.

Come on now.

That's how some shit you get on your feet.

It's better than wisdom.

I mean,

wisdom sucks.

Wisdom sucks.

Wisdom, how long you been doing stand-up comedy?

Better question, how do you look like both main characters from the hit movie White Man Can't Jump?

You look like Wesley Snipes in the body and face, and you have the hat of Woody Harrelson in that movie.

You know what?

It's Woody's hat and everything else, Wesley snipes.

This is incredible.

You know what it was?

I played baseball.

That's what it was.

You did.

I played baseball.

Okay, what position?

I had two parents.

That's why.

Okay, let's go one question at a time here, Elgin.

No, I'm kidding wisdom.

All right, so

How long you been doing stand-up?

Shit, I've been funny my whole life in front of black people.

I guess you just stopped before you came out here?

Yeah, yeah.

All right,

so how long you been doing stand-up?

Mmm, 2021.

Okay.

I wrote my first joke during COVID.

It was a fucked up time.

Okay,

relax.

Let's just go one question.

Are you on drugs or anything right now?

Next question.

That's right.

Crack is the answer, everybody.

So this is.

No, no, no, no.

Just a little bit of trees, a little bit of trees.

Okay, a little bit of trees.

Well, no cocaine.

No cocaine.

When you say little bit of trees, did you fuck the last guy's wife?

Okay, next question.

Stick with me here.

What do you do for work exactly?

Did you really get fired on Juneteenth?

Why?

What the fuck?

I would come up.

Yes, that really happened.

Okay, some people write jokes.

No, no, no, that really not.

I only talk about my real fucking life.

Okay, so, okay, very good.

I'm not talking about the real jokes.

You might want to try jokes.

You got to get.

I get paid for real jokes.

I wouldn't come up here and tell a real jokes.

Okay, stick with me.

Stick with me here, wisdom.

Now that's wisdom.

Yeah.

Hey.

How often do you get paid for real jokes?

What are we talking about here?

Last October, I did the House of Blues in Houston.

Okay, I mean, how did you get that gig?

You didn't headline it, right?

It wasn't live from the House of Blues, Wisdom Anderson.

No, no, I was a feature act because I'm on the radio and I tell jokes on the radio.

You're a DJ.

Radio DJ?

I'm a personality.

I work for iHeart.

So I actually write jokes for

it.

Don't get mad with it.

No, no, I'm great.

Okay.

So, you write jokes for the radio.

The first joke that you wrote during COVID, what was that joke?

Do you remember?

It was about...

White people getting free kidneys.

It was something about that.

It was about alcohol in kidneys.

Okay.

You made D-Madness a shame of his race.

So

he's going to step away for a second.

He's going to come back in white face.

Okay.

So

what job did you get fired from on Juneteenth?

I was working at SMU.

SMU.

Explain to the people exactly.

Y'all know what that is.

It's a lot of white people.

There's Southern Methodist University.

Okay, what were you doing at a university?

What exactly were you mopping up at a university?

I told you, Tony, I come from a two-parent black household.

I played baseball.

You know I got to be a little fucking smart.

Okay, so let's go back to the questions, smart guy.

What was the job that you had at the university?

I was teaching tech.

You were teaching tech?

Yes.

And how and why did you get fired?

I made white children tears.

You made white children's tears.

Yes.

Okay, what did you do to make white children cry?

I told him, hey, you're selfish.

Okay, what was the context of this, wisdom?

He was being selfish.

But what was going on, wisdom?

He wanted the teacher to only solely focus on him.

Can you tell me?

So I teach tech students to teach youth

tech.

So the teacher in the classroom.

Oh, you're like tech nine.

Okay.

Let's just get off of this whole confusing university thing.

The ring around your neck.

Whose ring is that?

Where did you get that from?

I mean, Amazon, you can find anything.

You bought that off Amazon?

Yeah, why wouldn't I?

Why would I buy real gold?

I can't really get that shit from Africa.

Shit, why the fuck would I buy real gold?

every single answer that you've given on this show is psychotic yes it's supposed to be the last comedian that was up gave honest answers about his whore ex-wife you and crushed it was so interesting you didn't ask about that well I can tell you this okay

I haven't fucked in probably about 276 days so that should let you know I'm married That should let you know right there.

Roughly, right there.

Roughly 276 days.

Roughly 276.

I've been keeping count.

If any married man are in here, y'all know the fucking problem.

Y'all know the problem.

So you're married.

Oh, y'all don't?

Oh, it's just me.

Fuck.

I'm trying so hard with you.

You are on the show right now.

Do you know this?

Yes.

Okay.

You're married.

This is where you would answer the fucking question.

Are you okay?

So the ring around your neck when I asked what's the ring.

It's not not a wedding ring.

Okay, it's just a random ring.

Just a ring.

And you don't wear a ring on your finger.

No.

Okay.

Why?

When you're not fucking at home, I gotta fuck somehow.

My side, bitch, let me fuck.

Boo.

But you're not, but you just said you didn't have sex in two hundred.

Do you see why this interview isn't a real interview?

Okay, so you're admitting to having sex.

Stick with me here.

You're admitting to have sex.

This is why radio is completely dead, by the way.

It's because they don't really communicate with people, they're not thinking anybody's listening.

I don't talk about this on the radio.

Okay, I know you don't talk about this on the radio.

You're not allowed, but you're allowed here.

So, you cheat on your wife.

You already said it.

I'm black.

Now, I'm just trying to ask you.

I'm trying to confirm or where you could go.

No, I was kidding.

Look at me.

You know, bitches want to fuck me, Tony.

Come on now.

Oh, my God.

Dude, I tried so hard.

There he goes.

Wisdom, Anderson, everybody.

There he goes.

It's okay, wisdom.

There you go.

There he goes.

Wow.

The rare uncharismatic black man.

Very rare.

A rare bird, if you will.

A rare

bird.

No, that's not the black bird.

No, it's the rare African bird.

There you go.

All All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, on this very interesting episode.

Make some noise for Vinnie Flores, everybody.

Vinny Flores.

All right.

So I'm a rookie to this comedy field, right?

And one of the things that a lot of the veterans tell me is that you got to be relatable.

You got to relate to your audience.

So has anybody here ever done cracker heroin?

See,

when I was 17, I shot crack one day and heroin the next day with my older sister.

We were in a motel on the run from the police, and she was actively being pimped out.

That's never happened to anybody here.

I'm just trying to be relatable here, guys.

Listen, I'm sorry, all right?

You know, it's not my fault, okay, that you guys didn't have a family full of people that love to make memories.

And speaking of of my sister's pussy, yeah, you're goddamn right that shit got returned customers, ladies and gentlemen.

That shit put food on the table.

We had to leave every two hours.

And, you know, that deserves a purple heart because her pussy got absolutely murdered.

All right.

Thank you.

That's my time.

Okay.

Vinny Flores keeping the exact momentum of every bucket pull so far tonight.

This is incredible.

Is it just completely insane people signing up now?

It's exciting.

No one wants to make it anymore, huh?

People just want to come up here and absolutely just fucking flop around.

Vinny, how long have you been doing stand-up?

About five months now.

Five months.

What made you start?

This show is a big reason.

And also, I would.

I would stop this show.

We are no longer contributing to a positive comedy environment in the world.

Okay.

What do you do for work, Vinny?

I work at a bar right now on 6th Street.

You're a bartender or a door guy?

A door guy, barback.

Okay.

Yes, sir.

And how long have you lived in Austin?

About five months now.

Where'd you live before that?

Michigan.

Michigan.

Yes, sir.

Wow, the rare Michigan Flores, huh?

Yeah.

There's a few Mexicans out there.

What were you doing for work in Michigan?

I was a welder.

A welder?

Yes, sir.

Why aren't you welding here?

That's a good paying trade?

I have about four years' experience, and everyone out here has got like 20.

So it's super competitive out here, so I have a hard time.

Interesting.

Unlike comedy, right?

Yeah, I get it.

Let's go somewhere a little easier.

Wow.

Finney, is it true about the crack and the heroin?

Yes, that's all true.

Let's talk about that.

Tell us about your history with crack and heroin.

So I'm half white, half Mexican, and my white side is like Michigan white trash pretty much.

So, yeah, my mom was addicted to heroin.

And yeah, I mean,

I ended up

I got I tried it one time with my older sister and then after that how old were you when you tried it?

I was 17.

You were 17 years old and did you inject heroin or smoke it?

Injected it.

So 17 years old?

You had never done it before.

Had your sister been doing it?

Yeah, but she was actually

on the run from my halfway house.

So she had been given like some pill or something to where she couldn't take opiates.

So she was shooting up crack.

So that's why the day before she ended up shooting it.

She was disturbing crack?

She was injecting it yeah yeah yeah you like melt it down with vinegar i guess

i guess

wow wolf gang fuck over here is fucking teaching us how to cook crack

wow so she like helped you do it and showed you how to do heroin i actually had to kind of coax her into it because i mean listen i was young and at the time i was like i'll try anything at least one time you know i want to i want to experience the world i guess This is good for the world to hear what goes on to Michigan 17-year-olds, everybody.

This is the dragon that they're chasing.

So, tell us about the first time the heroin hit those veins of yours.

So, like I said, I already shot something the day before, and she told me that the first time you shoot something, you would puke.

So, I guess I kind of got that out of the way.

And, yeah, I was just sitting on the hotel bed, and it hit me like a brick wall.

And I just remember watching The Simpsons and trying to laugh.

And it was like a zombie laugh like

and Then I just passed out and I woke up wanting to do more heroin immediately

And so you started looking for heroin, yeah

so

Part of that story is since we were on the motel my sister's boyfriend was also there who was pimping her out and that night that I shot the heroin

She

we were going to get cigarettes from the gas station and we jaywalked and they're all on the run for felonies I'm just on the run for like a weed misdemeanor in Michigan and we're in Ohio at the time.

Everybody has warrants Yeah, everybody has warrants

It was us three and you're jaywalking and we're jaywalking

Yes, sir.

This is like a tourist ad for the state of Michigan.

This is incredible.

This was actually in mommy Ohio.

Oh well Don't talk about my mom like that for a second.

Mommy, Ohio.

I've never even heard of that.

Top left corner?

Yeah, yeah.

So, I'm from uh Adrian, which is like it's 40 minutes from Toledo, so I'm like on the border.

So, if we want to do anything, we go to either Mommy or Toledo area.

Wow, oh my gosh, which is okay,

you got busted jaywalking, I'm guessing, is where the story is going.

Uh, yeah, okay, yeah, uh, and then uh, so the cop, obviously, notorious jaywalker, constant jaywalker, D-Madness is back, everybody.

This motherfucker, crosswalks do not matter to him.

All right,

Very famous Jay Walker.

Okay.

So obviously, since he has

felonies in his name, he immediately just got booked.

And I'm a minor at the time.

So they're like, okay, well, we need to take you to a guardian.

And I had no choice but to go back to the motel where my sister and her boyfriend's friend was.

And luckily.

Boyfriend's friend now, all of a sudden.

Go on.

Yeah, yeah, there was four of them.

Okay.

And then

it could have been, it could have been fucking her.

I I don't know.

Everybody was fucking her.

But,

yeah.

Would you marry a scientist right after this?

Keep going.

Keep going.

Just keep going.

We went back to the motel and then the cop just kind of let me go in there and then he went away.

He didn't notice that you were on heroin at all.

I wasn't on heroin yet.

This is like right before.

This was that night.

Hell yeah.

And then I ended up doing his heroin.

But

I couldn't do like what he would normally do, I guess.

That's what she was telling me because I would overdose so I only did a little bit and then skipped forward woke up wanting to do more and turns out that the boyfriend's friend stole all the heroin and that just left me and my sister in the motel and then we were kind of fucked after that best Thanksgiving ever, right?

Sounds like you were fucked before that too

It also sounds like every time you did heroin you would just fall asleep and then wake up craving it no real enjoyment whatsoever.

Often when I asked people what it was like after they did heroin, they're like, oh my God, I felt like a billion dollars.

It's a feeling unexplainable.

You're like, I went to sleep and woke up.

Yeah, pretty much.

I mean, I would say it is probably like the best drug I've ever done.

I mean, the feeling of it was like.

Did you feel like you were 5'9?

Vinny, what's the coolest thing you've ever done in your life other than heroin?

The coolest thing I've ever done in my life.

Any big accomplishments?

You ever saved somebody's life or fucking do anything amazing, win an award, perhaps?

Nothing crazy like that.

I used to play in band, so that's like that was some of the coolest stuff.

What did you do in the band?

I played guitar and bass.

Yep.

Okay, don't worry.

I'm not asking you to play.

Yeah, okay.

Thank God.

Thank God.

That's what I was saying.

Dinny, what ended up happening to your

heroin using crack injecting sister?

What's her OnlyFans?

She's doing good supposedly right now.

I mean, she's a little iffy.

She ended up marrying like some 50-year-old and they had a wedding in Maumee and she was barefoot for that wedding.

And yeah, so now she's just chilling, I guess, just smoking weed.

That's what she says.

I mean, I don't know.

They might be doing crack.

Did you go to the wedding?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I went to the wedding.

Was he barefoot too?

No.

Why was she barefoot?

It's white trash.

I mean, she literally forgot her shoes at the motel that they were staying at.

It's pretty bad.

Michigan's gross.

We have to start deporting half Mexicans too.

That's what this means to me.

I don't know if you guys are with me on this, but I think I'm going to call my friends in the administration.

I support it.

If they're illegal, I support it.

100%.

I support it?

Okay.

Vinny, all right, buddy.

Well, you know, here's a little joke book for you.

You can't mix it with vinegar, melt it down, and then smoke it, but you can write some jokes.

All right, thank you.

There he goes.

Vinny Porz, everybody.

Keep writing.

Keep trying, Vinny.

I have to tell people that so they don't fucking relapse on heroin and shit on their way out.

They're like, okay, you told me to do it again.

Like, keep signing up.

Keep signing up, Vinny.

Keep writing and signing up, Vinny.

Don't give up tonight, Vinny.

I'll see him fucking slouched over in the alley tomorrow.

Okay,

this is a moment that a lot of people have been waiting for.

Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the stage, this is only his second appearance ever on the show.

Ever.

He's not a golden ticket winner.

He's not a regular, but the man...

went so insanely out of control viral his last time on the show, that I absolutely had to bring him back.

A disruptor of the force of natural moving comedy.

Some people are saying the next big

thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return of Timmy No Breaks.

Who's ready for the best fucking minute of their lives?

What do you do for a living?

You're a student?

Not what I'm looking for.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, fucking motherfucker.

What do you do for a living?

And you, what do you do for a living?

Time check?

All right, come on, guys, let's go.

What do you do for a living?

Fuck you, come on.

And you, what do you do for a living?

I'm just trying to find a natural way into this fucking sushi chef joke.

Does anybody work at an airport sushi restaurant?

I mean

I relinquish my time.

Wow.

The hardest I've laughed all night.

The long-awaited return of the force of 6th Street.

Timmy, no breaks.

All gas, no breaks.

This guy left a dinosaur paw print size footprint on the show.

The last time he was on, hard in the paint.

Some people said the next big thing.

Famously handed off his joke book to the man in the front row, whoever it was.

And tonight, threw his sunglasses at a person in the front row.

It's becoming

a trademark.

Timmy motherfucking no breaks has arrived back to the kill Tony universe Timmy how we doing?

We're good.

I'm a little disappointed to be honest.

I uh I told you I wanted Dan Cook

No fitch.

I mean, you know, but fucking you what you wanted him on the panel next time you were on is that what you said?

Yeah, I hit you up with some requests.

I said a bucket of MHLs.

I said Dan Cook and you know, none of them are here.

So I don't know what the fucking.

I tried my best to get him.

Wasn't easy.

We have to settle for Chris O'Connor and Ryan O'Neill tonight.

You're Ryan O'Neill?

Yeah.

It's for you.

You just got served, bitch.

Got your ass.

Open it up.

Yeah, why don't you show everybody what that is, bitch?

Why don't you show everybody what that is?

That's a picture of my Misha's volleyball team.

Oh, Rush this man!

Wow.

All gas, no breaks, indeed.

The people's champ of Kill Tom.

The people's golden ticket winner, bitch.

That's right.

The people's golden ticket winner.

I'm going to pretend like you didn't call me a bitch right there because I like you.

We're going to keep it that way.

No disrespect.

I respect what you're doing.

I love you, Tom.

Thank you, Timmy.

I love you, too.

So tell us, what does Timmy No Breaks do when he's not on stage?

Yeah, I mean,

well, I recently got in some trouble.

I went to play Laser Tag and brought a real gun.

That was not good.

Can't you say something?

Guys, when I hit a punch, give me some fucking trumpet.

I mean,

what's going on?

Not yet.

When I hit it.

My God.

So, Timmy, there's so many questions I didn't get to ask last time you were on.

Like, what's what?

I can't even imagine what a confident

human like you.

What is your love life like, Timmy?

No breaks.

I mean, I gotta say, it's definitely changed.

I've had a bunch of bitches slide into my DMs.

I had Hillary Duff slide into my DMs.

Yeah, more like Hillary Muff.

That bitch has a vagina.

Fucking, Mr.

Clean, clean out your fucking ears.

God damn.

I'm sorry, Tone.

I'm sorry.

Doing my best.

Fucking, you know.

Wow.

So Hillary Duff slid into your DMs.

Was this after the Kill Tony appearance?

Yeah, it was after.

It was after.

You've really blown up from it.

Tell us what life is like since that one appearance.

You might be the most talked-about human ever after only one appearance in the show's history.

12 and a half years of the show, and you might be in 60 seconds and one interview, the most famous character ever.

Yes, it's been great, you know.

I got to do David Lucas's fishing podcast, so I made it.

By the way, when the fuck was your trumpet there, guys?

Come on.

I think he deserves something a little more.

That's like a negative horn you're giving.

It should be like a bad bum, bada, bum, or something like that, right?

Tone, no.

Give me a D.

You give him a D.

Give him a D.

What's a D?

I don't.

Yeah.

Okay, I see it now.

I like it.

That was your D.

That

they nailed that one that time.

That was a D.

They really did.

Wow.

So, Timmy No Breaks, where are you originally from?

So, I'm from Jersey.

You already asked me that, but that's okay, Tone.

Yeah.

Tone, it's okay.

For some of the new people here.

Oh, yeah, you probably saw my Kill Tony show.

This is just going to be repeating it.

But yeah, I'm from Jersey.

What the fuck else is new?

And is there anything that you miss about New Jersey?

You know, I miss the mornings.

Spotlight?

Spotlight for Timmy No Breaks.

No doubt about it.

Whatever Timmy wants,

every member of the Kill Tony crew should know whatever Timmy asks for, Timmy gets from this point forward.

There's a thumbs up from the great Yoni.

Timmy, go ahead.

What do you miss about Jersey?

Yeah, I miss the mornings, you know, walking out, fucking walking up to bitches saying, hey,

bitch.

won't talk about this

yeah that's what I miss most you know we're good on the spotlight thank you

we're good we got out of that wow that's my story I'm sticking to it tone

I don't want to keep you up here all night you know I don't want to be a bother to you let me know when you want to go you're the first person ever that I'm giving full creative control over here

Yeah, I'm good.

Okay, hold on.

You're good now.

You want to go, or

you're good to stay?

Fuck, Tony, it's your show.

I mean, I don't know.

No, no, no.

I'm literally, again, I've never told the crew you get whatever you want.

I've never given creative control to anybody.

All right, Timmy, let's do this.

Here's something I really want to know.

And I don't know if I asked you this last time, but if I did, I'd like to apologize in advance.

Tony, it's okay.

Thank you.

How do you make money, Timmy?

No breaks.

Yeah, you ask me that, Ray Tone.

You know, I used to sell weed.

Before that, I was selling Coke.

Now I'm just coasting on comedy, Tone.

Okay.

Timmy,

hold the horns on that one.

Hold the horns.

Yeah, it wasn't a punchline.

That's for real.

I'm doing big shows, bigger, you know, I'm doing

H-E-B, I think.

Timmy No Breaks is doing H-E-B?

The grocery store or the arena.

Tony, you want your fucking mouth.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Timmy.

Sometimes I fall back on my habits here.

I showcase

for making fun of people on the stage.

Sometimes I mean, no disrespect to me, nobody.

Okay, no disrespect taken.

Let me say this.

Yeah.

I think you have what it takes.

I do.

I don't.

I don't.

I want you to open for me at Lucky Duck Open Mic.

Lucky Duck Open Mic.

One of the best venues in Austin, Texas.

No ceiling,

no audience, and no breaks.

Yeah,

Timmy, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times about the New York Yankees?

I mean, you are just an absolute fucking empire of your own.

A one-man empire.

Can I ask you, where do you get a jacket like that?

Glad you asked, Tone.

So, my dad would take me in the spotlight.

John Dees, let's go.

So my father,

it would take me to the circus all the time.

They would shove these midgets down in this fucking cannon.

One time they aimed it at a wall, shot this midget right into the wall.

Bang!

The midget slid down.

Some guy put a fucking leather jacket over this midget.

I laughed and I got this at goodwill.

Wow.

Yeah, bitch.

Wow.

Timmy, I feel like if we keep you up here any longer, I'm going to have to give you a percentage of the royalties of this episode.

And I cannot begin to do that.

So, I mean, I'm going to, unless there's anything else you'd like to say or do, I'm going to give you, or we could talk about anything you'd like.

If you'd like to ask me a question or anything, we can do anything you want.

Yeah.

Take your entire life, Tome.

What's the most interesting thing about you?

Go.

Don't, Tome.

Your entire life.

Let's go.

Well,

I mean, you know, it's a tough question.

No, I mean, I guess the most interesting thing about me is probably that

I'm...

It's not easy, is it, bitch?

Yay, yay!

Timmy, no breaks.

Let it be known

that at this moment, I am without a doubt registering you as officially without it even though you don't want it and you don't need it.

You are the newest official golden ticket winner of Killtoni.

You can come back

anytime you want

the tour de force,

the sultan of 6th Street.

Yeah, thanks Willy Wonka.

Absolutely.

I am excited to be opening for you at the Lucky Duck Open, Mike.

I will see you there next and we'll talk about the future.

Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for the great Timmy No Breaks, everybody.

Wow.

Thank you.

Unbelievable.

Holy shit.

One of those moments you'll never forget.

Wow.

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All right, a bucket pull has to follow that.

Not easy, ladies and gentlemen.

Not easy.

The chatter in the room for those of you watching the show is unbelievable.

Men are proposing to their girlfriends.

This guy's going to do some type of drug right now in the bathroom.

There's a lot going on here.

The place is in absolute chaos.

And it's time for another bucket pull.

Make some noise for Isabella Carozza.

Hell yeah.

My therapist introduced me to EFT tapping.

Whenever you get nervous, you take deep breaths and tap on your face.

She was like, Think of it as like a massage for your inner child.

I was like, I don't think my inner child needs any more massages.

I started going to therapy because I would get really bad anxiety in social situations and become a huge bitch to whoever I was with.

And my boyfriends would just be like, oh, it's because you're Italian.

And then I went to therapy and she was like, you have autism.

And I was like,

I'm Italian.

she was like you're retarded

during the pandemic I worked as a cam girl

I didn't do anything I just took my vibrator and did stand-up comedy with it

the men were like shut up and pee

sorry I uh

fuck

Is that 60 seconds?

It was like six minutes.

That was.

Yeah, you got it.

Right when you said it.

That was it.

Isabella Carozza, ladies and gentlemen.

Isabella.

Hi, Isabella.

Hi.

You've been on this show before, but it's been a while, right?

Yeah, a few years.

Okay, how long you been on Stand-Up?

Five years.

Five years.

All of it here in Austin?

Yeah, mainly.

Love it.

What do you do for work?

I'm unemployed.

Unemployed?

How do you survive?

I'm a stripper.

Okay.

Where are you a stripper at?

I don't want to say, because last time men came in and asked me to fart on them, which is a real thing.

Red band.

You naughty, naughty boy, Redband.

Okay.

Wouldn't that make you money?

It did, but it was just, it was a lot.

It was overwhelming.

You ran out of gas.

Yeah.

All gas, no brakes.

Wow.

Did you fart on the guy?

I tried.

He got, we went into the back for like an hour and I made like $2,000 and I was like, I'm trying.

Because during the interview, I said if men get too handsy, I fart on them.

I was like, haha.

But he took it serious and he went to the Red Rose and was like.

Wow.

Yeah.

I just said where.

Went to the Red Rose.

Bet it didn't smell like roses when you were done with them, huh?

Isabella, how long have you been stripping for?

On and off, like six years.

Okay.

What are some of of the other than the fart thing what's some of the craziest stuff that you've seen i imagine it's a lot um at a strip club what is crazy stuff i mean sometimes like girls fight

but i feel like nothing really crazy i've seen like you know

men will whip out their dicks and that's terrifying oh that's crazy yeah

But like, it's kind of like, I just kind of show up and take money and leave.

It's kind of cool.

Cool.

It's an easy job, I guess.

Uh-huh.

All right.

Guys, have a great day.

What's the on and off?

What brings you back into the game?

I was like, I don't know.

I always kind of did it on the side of what I do.

So I was like an ophthalmologist, technician.

What the fuck, Redman?

Is that you?

Bart-time optimal.

Can I take a seat?

Red man's just accidentally hitting buttons over here.

What's going on now?

Wait, what just happened?

Can I take a seat?

Did you just fart?

No!

Oh,

what just happened?

I put my balls under there.

I just like sitting when I'm on stage.

Is that fine?

No, we're

not video.

Oh, sorry.

You gotta stay in the frame.

Okay, there you go.

Wow, the world's laziest stripper, everybody.

Who wants a fucking floor dance?

I have a floor dance from Isabella.

I am like the DMV worker of strippers.

What does that mean?

I just like, I have, I'm very cranky.

I'm 29 now, so like, I'm kind of over it.

Who said that?

Who did?

Mary

made that noise.

29's kind of old for a stripper, right?

It is.

Stripper's age and dog ears.

Yeah, I'm 29.

Okay.

Have you ever done a full nude strip club before?

In L.A., I did, yeah.

Cooter balls?

Do you ever do cooter balls?

What's cooter balls?

Explain to these people what cooter balls are.

Our senior strip club correspondent, Brian Red Fantasy, ladies and gentlemen.

Where they sit there with their legs open you try to you know crumble a ball and like make a basket inside their vagina I would fucking disgusting red band fucking gross I can't believe you would ask that have you ever done cuder balls before

no

no I would climb to the top of the pole let go I would not do that

all right Chris O'Connor How'd you become an ophthalmologist?

No, I'm not an ophthalmologist.

No, I just, actually, I met the doctor at the strip club, and he was like, do you want a job?

Yeah.

Nothing trivial happens at the strip club.

That's what you said before.

That's insane.

An ophthalmologist hired you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like I've gotten a lot of random jobs and stuff like that from dancing.

What do you do at the office?

Well, I don't work there anymore, but I would just like assume that.

After she was Deep Madness's ophthalmologist, she lost her job.

He used to have 20-20 vision

no just assist him in like surgery she farted into his eye sockets and the rest is history have you ever been a nanny before a nanny no

I think I could be good with kids okay

are you about to hire her to like cat sit for you or something

yeah okay

Isabella what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or stripping

sitting on this floor

this weekend I went to Venice Venice Beach and I did like eight grams of mushrooms.

It was so much fun.

Okay.

So like what happens when you're on mushrooms like that?

Well I was what do you do?

In Venice Beach it's fun.

I once did eight grams of mushrooms and went to the strip club and that was crazy.

I made a lot of money.

Did you notice, were you on the beach obviously when you did it or in a place?

I was on the beach.

Did you notice that when the waves were coming in, that the waves kept going through the sand?

No.

I was once on mushrooms at at a beach and i saw this shit and they just keep going and you realize that it's all just one fucking thing anyway i had a quick question a mexican i do mushrooms on the beach too so eight grams you're not i feel like you're not even seeing the beach yeah dude you're in fucking space yeah this guy gave me like a drink so i like chugged it and that's what you should do yeah yep and it was it was a lot of fun i had like you know how everybody rollerblades on venice beach there was like this mexican guy like plummeting towards me and he was like no it it was just the best time.

He was like,

Yeah, I do that a lot, but now I feel like I hate saying that on Kill Tony because your fans are crazy, and I'm gonna go missing.

You sound like one of the fans.

Wow, I'm anxious.

Where are you guys from?

Okay,

it's the stripper in you.

It's a stripper question for sure.

Fun times, Isabella.

This is a medium-sized joke book right here.

It's a good one.

Isabella Carozza, ladies and gentlemen.

Hell yeah.

Good old.

Ooh, there's been a lot of talk of birds on this episode.

Look at the lovely Heidi, everyone.

I mean, unbelievable.

And this man's last name is Bird.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for bucket pull number seven.

Mason Bird, everybody.

Mason Bird.

A teenager told me, I looked like a school shooter the other day that shoots insulin instead of bullets.

He was like your least favorite part of a school shooting would be missing lunch.

It better not be pizza day dude.

I swear to God

I Feel like the only way I can personally relate to Rosa Parks

is when I'm walking through the center of an airplane And everyone's staring at me like that motherfucker better not sit next to me, dude

He's very taking his ass to the front of the plane

where the big fellas belong.

No, I get it though.

Like, I saw a dude fatter than me walking through the airport.

And I was like, that motherfucker better not get on my plane, dude.

It was Amir.

Mason Bird, everybody.

The best set from a bucket pole of the night has finally happened here.

More than halfway through the episode.

Mason, a fantastic set.

How long have you been on stand-up comedy?

About three years, sir.

Three years.

Where at?

Mostly Detroit.

I moved here a couple months ago.

Very nice.

So you live here in Austin, Texas now.

Yes, sir.

Amazing.

What do you do for work?

I work at Jersey Mike's.

Hell yeah.

Make it Mike's way.

Jersey Mike's official sponsor of Timmy No Breaks.

How long have you worked at Jersey Mike's?

About three months.

Three months.

What did you do in Detroit when you left?

I was a sous chef at a bar.

Oh, okay.

All right.

A sous chef at a bar.

What exactly?

I just did a lot of the prep, hiring, did most of the cooking on the line as well.

I was like everywhere.

Do you think that it's good for a guy like you to constantly be working around food?

Believe it or not, I actually, without working in the food, I lost like 150 pounds.

I used to be 500 pounds.

Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Incredible.

What did you do to lose the weight?

Tell Red Band how you lost it.

It's just.

So I'd eat one meal a day.

That way I could get, because I like to eat like 4,000 calorie meals.

And I would just limit it to once.

So when you say 4,000 calorie meals, like,

give this audience an example of, like, what's the most piggish you've ever been?

Oh,

all right, I get, so I like to get like three chicken quesadillas from Taco Bell,

two cheesy gardener crunches, and I get two drinks.

That way they think the food's for two people.

What drinks do you get?

You gotta mix it up.

I like the Baja Blast

and Cherry Pepsi.

Yeah, yeah, amazing.

Absolutely incredible.

So you still eat the same type of stuff, but just once a day now?

Yeah, I just get it all in at once.

I love it, man.

It's goddamn fasting.

A funny guy.

You have great jokes, great delivery.

Everything's right on schedule.

How long ago were you that fat?

Two years ago.

Wow.

So it's all just happening fast.

Yeah.

Funnier and lighter at the same time, constantly.

We're trying.

Hell yeah.

Amazing.

Amazing.

You guys have anything?

I just want to know what time do you have to go Bigfoot hunting tonight?

He likes to come out around 2.30.

Your glasses, can you see out of those?

They're a little...

Very smeared.

Yeah.

I touched my face.

It was from the snack wrap earlier.

I'm not going to lie.

Wow.

Timmy, no cakes over here.

Timmy, all cakes.

I love it.

I love it.

And you're also a ginger.

You have that going for you.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Represent.

Mason, what else?

What do you do for fun?

Tell us more about your life.

What's interesting about you?

I like to look at maps.

Like I know all the state capitals.

I'm very proud of that.

Yeah, I'm really into like maps and geography and topography and all that kind of stuff.

Is that because you're shaped like a globe?

Yes, yes.

Perfect.

What got you into maps?

I've just always been super like there was a Nat Geo thing when you were a kid and I I was super into that, like answering history questions and maps and stuff like that.

Okay.

Other than maps, what else are you into?

That's fair.

Um

I really like eating once a day a lot.

Uh

so you look forward to these meetings.

Oh, it's all I have.

What time of the day do you usually execute the meal at?

Anywhere from 1130 to 12.30 at night.

So you wait all day.

Yeah, I do.

And you go for it at night.

Okay.

Just unravels a big map and just eats it.

Well, well, well.

Let's see here.

Is it anyone who knows all the state capitals has a lot of place matches?

So let's just go for last night, for example.

Do you remember your order last night, what you ate last night?

Yes, I know exactly what I ate last night.

What was it last night?

How many people want to hear what Mason Mason Bird ate last night?

Let's go single spotlight on Mason Bird.

It was

two snack wraps with ranch, two snack wraps spicy,

two McDoubles,

large Coke, and a large spray.

Okay.

I've done that before.

Yeah, I've done that before.

This guy's like the rain man of meals.

I mean, you could give him any date and he could tell you what he ate

and what state he was looking at on the map.

Florida.

Have you ever thought about when you're sacrificing all day and you're hungry and it's the last meal of the night and you're the first meal of the day at night?

Have you ever thought about replacing the most disgusting, heavy, caloric meals humanly possible with something healthy and losing like a few pounds in a day?

Yeah, but the thing is, like, if I do that for two weeks, I explode and spend like $70 at Taco Bell.

Oh, so it's like you'll just go out of control.

Yeah, it's like I have to, like, I'm gonna be out of control.

We just have to learn how to dance with it, yes, sir.

How to dance with it.

Tony, that's map money.

You know that?

That's wild, man.

When you get done with the meal, are you full?

No.

You're like, all right.

I'm more just like sad.

And I'm like,

man, I should have got another burger, dude.

Yeah.

And then what do you do?

You just kind of go to sleep?

Smoke weed, go to sleep.

Sometimes I'll look at old like Facebook photos of me when I was really fat and I'm like, I'm doing good, man.

Yeah, yeah, you are, buddy.

Yes, you are.

Red band.

I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Boat.

Mason Bird.

And you

have a big joke, book.

Boom.

Mason Bird has arrived to the Kiltoni universe, ladies and gentlemen.

How exciting is that?

Thank you.

One more time for Mason, everyone.

Alrighty.

Bucket pool number eight.

Right down the barrel.

Make some noise for Max Sadawi, everyone.

Max Sadawi.

Thank you.

As you heard, my name is Max.

It's not short for anything.

I think my parents knew I was going to be stupid.

They took one look at me.

They said, three letters.

It's enough.

I got an older brother.

His name's Nathaniel.

Yeah, I googled his name because I'm petty like that.

Found out Nathaniel translates to gift from God.

Beautiful, no?

Fuck him.

Because then I checked my name.

My name is the number one name in the world for dogs.

You know how many times I meet a girl, introduce myself, just for her to say, oh my god, that's my dog's name.

It's not a good thing.

She's not like, oh my god, that's my dog's name.

Let's go back to my place.

We'll do a doggy.

Maybe in my imagination, she'd be doing that.

She'd be like, who's a good boy?

What else about me?

I'm Jewish.

Yeah, none of you look surprised.

I get it.

Nobody was falling out of their chair right now.

No No one's like, whoa, this guy's Jewish?

Thought he was Swedish.

Maybe Irish.

Maybe Andrew Tate.

I'm aware I have a mirror.

All right, that's my time.

Thank you so much.

Max Sadawi, everybody.

Am I saying that right, Sadawi?

You're honestly probably the first person to ever get my last name right.

So thank you.

Thank you.

I mean, I get to open for Timmy no breaks this week, So very excited about it.

I have a new

era of confidence around me.

Max, welcome.

Stand-up's a newer thing for you.

How long have you been doing it?

I'd like to say just moved to Austin.

So recently, two months, but I was doing it abroad for a while.

Okay.

But not like consistent like I'm doing it now.

Okay.

All right.

And when you say abroad,

where were you doing it?

I was

I was living in Thailand for a bit.

Oh, boy.

Oh,

all right.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

What made you want to hang out in Thailand for a while?

What could possibly be there?

Somewhere Maxes.

Fewer Maxes.

Wasn't the plan?

It just kind of happened during COVID.

You went during COVID?

Right before, actually.

I was traveling Southeast Asia.

And then

global pandemic hit.

And you just stayed in.

Wow.

So tell us about that.

Tell us about your adventures.

Okay.

So

January 8th, 2020, I landed in Southeast Asia.

I remember the date.

Wow.

And I was in...

I can't think of like a word.

That's about the worst time to land in Southeast Asia.

Oh, Tony, it was amazing.

Oh, you liked it?

It was great.

Okay.

Yeah, I was...

Yeah, I was trying to.

So how soon until you started fucking Little Boys?

little boys lady boys whatever oh no something went down there let's talk about it max it's okay your parents are watching

never the ladyboy tony i know it's how long were you in thailand for five years okay i'm gonna ask you one more

what's your ladyboy body count

No one ever believes me.

I get it.

No one ever believes it.

Did you think about it?

You thought about it.

Oh, you think about it.

Some of them are gorgeous.

but that's a tell Tony that's a tell I know I get some more I know it's a ladyboy because gorgeous women don't come up to me like that

John Dees has a question John if you like to ask it in the microphone I like the way you ask it just say it the way you just said it

are you gay dog

perfect Nailed it.

I get called gay a lot in Austin.

Me too, buddy.

But are you?

Are you gay?

I'm not gay no.

You're not gay.

Okay, what's the gayest thing you've ever done other than sound like that and

fuck ladyboys in Thailand and then lie about it for the rest of your life?

Oh shit, the gayest thing I've ever done.

That was a finger up the butt count as gay.

Your own or your dad's

dad.

Red man.

Red man.

Okay.

Max, what do you do for work?

So I was working as a scuba diving instructor.

That's what I was doing over there.

Super gay.

Super gay.

Super gay.

Under the sea.

Under the sea.

Fuck all the dicks.

Under the sea.

Okay, what made you stop being a scuba diving instructor?

Man, trying to take comedy more serious.

So I came down here.

This is where all the hype is at.

So you stopped being a scuba diving instructor to come do comedy in Austin, Texas?

Yes.

Is that what you were doing in Thailand?

Being a scuba diving instructor?

Yeah, when you weren't inside of.

Yeah,

that's what I was doing in Thailand.

Okay.

Pulled that respirator right out of his mouth when he got into comedy.

Okay, Max, craziest thing that ever happened to you while scuba diving or instructing scuba diving.

I fucked this ladybully.

It's not gay if it's underwater.

Come here, you little mermaid.

Is that where you got finger in your ass?

If we were getting honest, I did fuck underwater, actually.

That is something I did.

Yeah, it's called the 10-meter club.

Wow, tell us about that.

How does that go down exactly?

Yeah, so you got to find somewhere where there's like sandy, so there's no like...

corals or anything.

Yeah, right?

Yeah.

And basically you just put some extra weight than you normally would to get down there and make sure you're not wearing a wetsuit.

Wow.

And once you once you get down there, you're

basically doing a doggy young girl.

You're doing it with the respirator on and everything.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

This is like when Redband fucks with his sleep apnea mask.

Very rarely do I make myself laugh quite as hard as I just did, but I pictured it, buddy.

I pictured it, my old pal.

All right, so how long did this sex underwater last?

Just at a ballpark.

Oh, fair.

By ballpark, I mean the fact that you both had balls.

It wasn't long.

It would probably be like, maybe like five minutes.

Okay.

Yeah.

And you came.

Yo, honestly, when I came, it was funny because we're both...

It's called neutrally buoyant.

So you're not on the bottom, you're not on the top.

And once I'm in the middle of the morning, you put her bottom.

well right like right before i came i basically just like pushed her off and she'd just see her go like

i never got to do that in my life that was hilarious that is pretty cool that is cool was there was there like a chum trail like when she

the fish the fish came oh yeah i bet they did not in that way not

they're like this cum taste like shit

my family's gonna be watching this

Of course.

It's amazing.

That's why you won't admit that you're gay.

I know.

That's who we know, Max.

Amazing.

What's it like being Jewish nowadays?

How do you feel about everything?

There's a lot going on.

How do you feel about it?

We're doing this?

Go right ahead.

I'm going to let you take control because that's what you people want.

Oh, my favorite Jew Yoni's not laughing.

I might be crossing a line right now.

Oh, man.

Yeah,

it's a delicate line to be crossing right now.

Well, we know you guys have your lines and your borders, and fucking know those lines are always moving in your favor.

Okay, go ahead.

How do you feel being a Jew nowadays?

Pretty simple question.

You could answer it any way you want.

I like being Jewish.

Perfectly.

I'm proud of being Jewish.

I like being one of the most watched shows in entertainment, so that's all I'm going to ask.

There we go.

Fantastic, Max Sadawi.

Here, my friend, is a big joke book for all

people running show business to see that the Jew is getting a big jokebook.

There he goes, Max Sadawi, everybody.

We're having fun here tonight.

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Hey, what's up?

This is Joe from PassCast Podcast by Donut Media.

We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show.

We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America.

It was basically 45 Days of Hell, or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper.

We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me.

It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes.

So, check out Passcast wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, bucket pull number nine: Make some noise.

You guys having fun out there still?

Make some noise for Micah Brown, everybody.

Micah

Brown.

light bulbs are gay

because they busted my ass am I right

anal is a lot like surgery have you guys noticed this Anal is a lot like surgery.

You got to wash your hands all the way down to your elbows.

You got to prep.

You can't eat the day before.

My surgeon hates it when I eat before we do anal, dude.

Fucking hates it.

The drugs help.

Have you guys noticed this?

Surgery used to be really bad before the drugs.

Amen.

Here's a shot of whiskey and bite down on this.

You know what I'm saying?

It helps with the anal too, okay?

The drugs.

The thing that ties them all together, though, like

anal and surgery,

is that

the only thing worse is anal surgery.

Stay away from those light bulbs, dude.

All right.

Boom.

Okay, Micah Brown.

There he is, Micah Brown.

Okay, Micah.

Welcome, welcome.

Wow, no one's even clapping for you.

A whole set about anal and somehow it was the shittiest set of the night at the same time.

What are the odds?

Welcome, Micah.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Not long enough.

Okay, how long is that?

Five years.

Not long enough.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

There's Red Band's one fart noise of the episode.

Okay.

Five years.

Ryan O'Neill.

I was just going to say, this guy looks like Fenton Tom Cruise.

Hell yeah.

You really do.

Thank you.

You do look like that.

Every mission is impossible to you.

Amazing.

What do you do for work?

I don't.

I quit.

You quit.

You quit.

Blockbuster 14 years ago.

You just haven't done anything.

Sponsored now.

What did you quit?

I was serving at Fressa's.

Oh.

And

the place with like the quesadillas, like a chicken bowl?

Yeah.

I love that fucking place.

Beans and rice all the time.

Oh, that's a perfect fucking meal.

One of my favorite meals.

You were a server there?

I was a server there.

Totally wrong.

Why'd you quit?

Great place.

It was a great place.

It's not a great place?

No, it's great.

Yeah, so why'd you quit?

Well,

things started going really good for me.

I got my foot fucked.

You got your what?

I got my foot fucked.

Your what?

I was hanging out.

Hold on, wait.

Let's go back.

You got your word.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Micah, you got your what?

There was a woman's vagina on my foot.

And I couldn't go back to work after that.

It was like...

This is a true story, man.

They serve chicken at fresso.

That's why Red Band's making a chicken noise for those of you wondering what a chicken has to do with getting your foot fucked.

So let's slow it down.

Yeah, let's slow it down.

So what exactly happened here?

How does a woman's vagina end up on your foot while you're serving tables at fresso's?

Supposed to go to work, hanging out with a friend.

Well, why would you hang out with a friend at work?

Oh, you hang out with a friend instead of

work.

Got it.

I was,

things were going good.

Look at me.

Stop looking down.

Go ahead.

Oh, man.

It was really fun.

It was really awesome.

So a girl.

Yeah.

Chris O'Connor.

She was a day.

She's a day.

It's Austin.

I was trying to figure it out.

She's got a girlfriend who's dating a boy, and she's getting...

There's no way the story is this complicated.

Dude, it ended up with cocaine and my foot getting fucked.

I don't know how to say it.

Wait, Gibbs.

But you did the fucking with your foot, right?

Yeah, she told me to put my foot on the couch.

Ah.

And she got on the couch.

Did you wear a sock?

No, it was after the pull after the show.

You don't wear protection during foot fucking?

No, man.

Okay.

So let me ask you this.

Was it toes or the whole foot?

Well, I had three fingers in before.

So it was the whole foot.

I only have a nine and a half.

It's not that big.

You got the heel in?

And then what work found out about it?

No, it's like...

Things are going good, man.

I don't need to go back to Fress's and deal chicken.

No, you do.

Yeah.

No, yeah, you do.

No one's paying you, dude.

You guys don't go out there.

You guys don't get it.

Okay,

help us to understand.

This is the interview portion of the show.

Okay.

Yes, here we go.

Foot got fucked.

Got to be in a metal music video.

All in the same day.

Same week.

Okay.

Then my buddy calls me.

I get to go on a canoe trip in Maine.

Wow.

I could not go.

The chicken thing was not going well.

This is better than the chicken thing.

How do you make money now?

I don't think you understand, man.

We found your catchphrase, that's for sure.

I'm getting my foot fucked.

I'm getting flown out to Maine.

And you want me to sell chicken?

How do you make money now?

I'm open to suggestions.

It hasn't come up yet.

It hasn't come up yet.

So you thought you were on a hot streak and you were just like...

I can get another

serving

They'll give them to you.

All you guys can work at Fresas, I guarantee it.

They told me they would hire me back.

So you're like on a sabbatical.

Right.

Okay.

They're definitely not hiring you back.

Oh.

They love me.

I would bet you have a zero percent chance.

How much?

I mean, I know for a fact they're not going to.

You just called out.

Called them out by name.

You don't think they'll hire me?

They're not going to hire you back.

No.

I'm like a little scared now.

you're like

no no no it's like you're really

i don't need the job so i just want to know

how much money do you have i'm negative 24 okay so where do you sleep fifty dollars where do you sleep at night hired back where do you sleep at night

tonight uh-huh

i've got a friend named brendan mahaney he's the best We call him Sarge, and he takes care of all of us.

Wow.

Incredible.

So that's where you...

Is that where you slept?

slept.

Tonight.

Is that where you slept?

Unless the foot girl hits me back.

Maybe I'll go there.

Okay, here's a little joke book.

There you go, buddy.

All right.

Yep.

Hard to catch when you are blitzed out of your mind on hard, hard drugs, everybody.

There goes Micah Brown.

Very interesting bucket pools tonight.

Very interesting.

Brendan Mahaney.

We should have like...

An actual psychiatrist backstage to connect with these people right after their sets.

By the way, Fress's is really good.

Don't like compare that good.

Yeah, don't let the foot fucking drug addict guy ruin Fress's for you.

Highly recommend it.

Very simple, clean meals.

I'm actually surprised you eat there.

I love it.

They're half chicken, man.

It's fucking great.

Saying everything that I feel.

Your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

You guys ready for this?

I know, I know it's one of those nights where it's hard to be excited about the bucket, but anything can happen.

Make some noise for Bill Williams, everybody.

Bill Williams.

I like watching murder shows.

You know, like true crime, forensic files, stuff like that.

But I noticed recently that whenever they do the reenactments,

the actors are always always way better looking than the real victims.

Somebody's all sad, like, oh man, I can't believe they murdered that beautiful lady.

But then I see the real victim,

and I'm like, man.

It's all good.

I'm dating, and dating's hard.

The other day I saw this gorgeous woman sitting at a bar.

I walked up to her and said, you're stunning.

You must work out all the time.

She said, no, and I'm a mom.

I said, wow, you don't even look like you had kids.

She said, if I told you that this body gave birth to five children, what would you say?

So I said, goodbye.

Thank you, I'm Bill Williams.

Bill Williams, fantastic.

I like your style.

I like your delivery.

I like the whole thing that you're working with here how long you been doing stand-up one year one year wow we're at all san antonio san antonio that's where you're from yes sir hell yeah amazing

yeah bill you perform a lot you do a lot of like mics in san antonio a lot of mics my first year i did 305.

i see i had a fucking feeling some people say they do this three four five six seven years and they're doing it maybe once a week maybe twice a week you know that shit adds up fast i could literally tell that you've been fucking actually working at it what do you do for work nothing

wow

this is that's why i had so much time to hit mics that's why we're in a deficit right now not a lot of tax paying contributors

in the country right now how long have you been unemployed for bill a year like i lost my truck driving job and i just hit it hard how did you lose your truck driving job

they found a well they found a beer bottle in my truck yeah i had a feeling and then a week later, I got a DWI, so I couldn't drive anymore.

Wow.

Yep, that happens.

Are you a Native American?

No, there is some Native American in my family, but mostly Mexican, white, Spanish, a whole bunch of mix.

Okay, awesome.

Like Comanche?

Do you know what kind of Indian?

I don't know.

You don't know what kind of Indian?

I have no idea.

You seem like I could picture you on a horse, like riding sideways with an arrow, but that's kind of racist to say, but

not really, because you do look like that.

Have you ever dressed up like a Native American for halloween perhaps or something like that

where's sarah sloan is sarah sloan here she's out there

sarah sloan

she's at shakespeare's oh okay well she does a great horse impression oh yeah i've heard it i've heard it i've heard it

um bill what do you do for fun um i mean really this is all i do is comedy like you like to drink a lot right Not anymore.

I had to quit because of DWI, you know?

But you already lost your job.

Shouldn't you just double down on that shit?

Yeah, but I was on probation.

They made me do a breathalyzer.

Okay.

Like, I had to blow into that machine.

So you're not drinking anymore.

I'm not drinking anymore.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

What else do you do other than comedy?

What else are you into?

I mean, that's it.

I got a bunch of kids and a couple grandkids now.

Oh, wow.

How many kids do you have?

Five kids.

Oh, I'm out of here.

Five kids.

Incredible.

How old are they?

The youngest is 17, and then they're 18,

21, 24, 27.

How old are you?

45.

Wow.

Look at you.

You're killing it.

You look better than all the 20-some-year-olds that were on this show.

We had a stripper up here earlier that looked 55.

Incredible.

Incredible, Bill.

Yes, sir.

Wow.

Amazing.

So what's it like raising kids?

Tell us what's some crazy shit you've been through as a father, as a Native American father.

I mean,

they're pretty chill.

Like, you know, I was kind of crazy growing up, and they always said, like, you're going to see when you get older, but my kids are chill.

Amazing.

When you say you were crazy as a kid, what do you mean?

What are some of the things you would do?

When I was 16, I stole Alexis from the Institute of Texan Cultures.

Nice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was going to fistbug me.

All right, I'll get it to you.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

What made you steal Alexis?

I was walking downtown San Antonio, and

we were walking through the parking lot of the Institute of Texan Cultures, and there's Alexis with the keys hanging from the trunk.

And so that was it.

Hell yeah.

And where did you take this car?

What did you do?

Man, we were dumb.

You know, we're 16.

We thought we needed, we drove around for three days, first of all.

Wow.

Picking up our friends, going cruising.

Wow.

And then we were driving around the east side of San Antonio, like, you know, thinking we're going to find a chop shop.

Like, we even know where that's at.

And we got pulled over.

The cops chased us.

My friend was driving at that time.

He took off, hit a tree.

We all jumped out, started jumping fences.

The driver got away.

They caught me and the other guy.

We spent two weeks in juvenile.

Wow.

Yeah.

Good times.

Amazing.

How many kids did you have at that time?

Zero.

Oh, God.

Are you still with the baby mama?

No.

Okay.

How long have you been separated from her?

Since 2013, I think.

Or separated before that, but divorced in 2013.

How often do you get to see your kids?

All the time.

My two youngest boys live with me.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Awesome.

That's amazing.

So you're like a real active father with you.

We're also chasing your dreams and being very funny.

Yep.

Thank you.

How many minutes

do you think you've accumulated in this year?

300 some sets under your belt?

About 25 minutes.

about 25 minutes amazing

I find you to be incredibly hilarious.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'd love to have you on the secret show 30.

Hell yeah.

Where's Sarah Sloan at?

Give me Sarah Sloan.

Where's she at?

Sarah, come out here real quick.

The great Sarah Sloan, everybody.

Kill Tony royalty.

You know,

I think as a mode of celebration is in the air for you winning a set at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

And since you are one of the funniest Native Americans that's ever been on this show, I find it fitting that Michael plays the Indian drum and the great Sarah Sloane does her impression of a horse.

Sarah, grab that mic and let her grip, huh?

You can grab his.

Yeah, keep doing your Indian stuff, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sarah Sloan's horse impression.

Wow, absolutely incredible.

Sarah Sloan, Bill Williams, Bill, you're leaving here

with a true Native American leather

joke book.

Yeah, one of the greatest Native American comedians in Kill Tony history.

Bill Williams, everybody.

There he goes.

That guy needs to do an Indian job dance.

Yes.

Fucking five kids.

He could make it rain.

Bill Williams, and now we've come to a part of the show.

Now, I'm going to tell you right now, I'm going to be honest with you.

william montgomery is out for the night everybody

however

just when you think there's no way to possibly put a ribbon on an episode like this i must tell you that there is one more performer one more regular that is going to do a brand new set for you fresh off of sold-out theaters almost every weekend Absolutely smashing the universe.

I watched him do a long set last night on a Sunday when everybody else is off and it's nothing but up-and-comers.

This guy's here doing long sets, going over notes.

He literally works more and harder than any other comedian I know

because he is trying to become an American citizen.

But yet, still, he remains the Estonian assassin.

This

is Ari Matty.

So I've been dating

a bitch.

See, the problem with me is I'm a jealous guy.

I can't help it.

I went through her like Instagram and there's like a lot of pictures from Miami.

But she works at Chick-fil-A, you know.

I go through the pictures, no guy.

You might see like a ligament, you know.

You know, like a hand on a knee.

You try to zoom into that hand, it's a fucking prehistoric.

That's who's paying.

And she's got this fucking friend.

See, every fucking girl

has a friend, some Dylan.

You know that guy who's lingering around your girl?

Always playing the long game, you know.

You ask her about Dylan.

She's like, Dylan?

You're worried about Dylan?

I've known him for a decade.

I think he's gay.

And then you meet Dylan, you look into his eyes.

He ain't gay.

He's on the bench, fucker.

You look at Dylan like, I know the game, Dylan.

A wolf knows a wolf.

You suck a few dicks to throw me off.

All of a sudden, sudden eating my girl's pussy.

You're like, oh my God, isn't this crazy?

So the only thing to do next week, I'm sucking Dylan off.

Just to see if it's true.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Unbelievable.

Let the record show that that is two minutes and five seconds.

Once again, Ari Maddie doing double work, overperforming, absolutely hysterical after that huge intro I gave and knowing you and everything you would think I'd be smart enough to know that you're about to be hilarious meanwhile I decided to take my first sip of this delicious whiskey coke uh during your calm setup and you fucking got me you got me real good

it blasted uh I blasted air out of my nose and it splashed up in my face and all over me and Red Band's legs.

Red Band's wearing shorts, so it raw dogged his sweet little hairy kneecap right here.

I'm like, oh, he's on the setup.

I'll be fine.

She's taking a trip to Miami, and she works at Chick-fil-A, and it got me.

The air came out, and water came up, and

drink came up.

Amazing stuff, Ari Maddie.

Absolutely fucking hilarious.

Thanks, man.

You are covering something that

I think a lot of fucking people go through, and I've never really heard it talked about quite so.

Are you a jealous guy, Tony?

Not really.

I mean, but I know, I know exactly.

You look like a jealous guy, Tony.

I look like a lot of things.

What the fuck is this?

Sir, I told you not to look at other men, sir.

Who is this Dylan?

But I will say this, is everybody I've ever hung out with, every girl, is like, oh, he's gay.

There's always that guy.

Dude, every guy here with a girl, they know exactly who the fuck I'm talking about.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He's always a dude.

And chicks have no idea.

You know, he's nice.

Fuck you.

We're all trying to fuck you.

Yeah, exactly.

No man is trying to help you.

We're all creeps.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely true.

I'm always hanging out with a girl and they're like, no, that's my gay friend.

I'm like, what's his number?

So Ari.

Tell us more.

What's going on in life, buddy?

You're absolutely crushing it.

Last night you were in a theater in Jacksonville.

It was Saturday.

I was in Jacksonville, Friday, Orlando.

I love Florida.

That's so much fucking fun, dude.

People are crazy.

It is a fun place to visit.

Yeah, I went out with Cam Patterson in Orlando.

You know, he's from there.

Dude, it was huge.

200 black people and me.

Wow.

Yep.

Crazy, dude.

Yeah, that's how it is sometimes.

No doubt about it.

Cam Patterson rolls deep.

Every single one of his cousins, whether you're in Florida or Atlanta.

Atlanta's another big hotspot for the Patterson family.

I know them all.

I know them all.

They all know me.

We all get along.

Sometimes I do a little crip walk in the green.

Impress my black friends because I am part of the culture, believe it or not.

I am blacker than I am gay.

My favorite is like when we're on the group chat for the gig, and then the promoter will be like, any guest list?

And he's like, woo-woo, plus seven, Dookie Shoes plus 12.

Bing bong plus eight.

He's a good guy.

He went to prison.

I met Dookie Shoes.

I actually know his cousin Dookie Shoes very well.

Everybody's like fresh out of prison or about to go to prison or something like that.

It's so fun.

You would think that that stereotype was a little less true, but not with the Patterson clan.

Yeah.

It's absolutely incredible.

So that's fun.

Florida's fun.

How about after the shows?

You're a little wild boy out there.

Yeah.

Oh, we went to Iowa Des Moines.

Design.

Design, yeah.

Ever heard of it?

Iowa.

It's like the Estonia of America.

Yeah, it is.

Ultra white.

Ultra white.

Ultra chill.

Cam Patterson wasn't at that gig, was he?

Nope.

Nope.

And we went to like me, Martin, and Philip.

Oh, David Jolly was on there.

We're the crew.

Me and Martin, David Jolly, if you you don't know by now, we're the fucking crew.

Yeah, holding it down.

And we went to like a concert just randomly, it was like a rock concert, one of those fair.

It was like a feminist band.

Yeah, you can't even call them chicks.

You have to, it's they, you know, it's one of those

between every song, they would be like, This is for all the men out there who don't take no for an answer.

Bang, bang, you're a rapist, you know.

Bang, bang!

Entrance was five bucks for whatever you are, but if you're a guy, fifteen.

I respect that.

So it was just me, David Jolly, and Martin at this gig, dude.

Did you go there trying to fuck chicks?

Yes.

That's why I go to gay bars and feminist extravaganzas.

They don't even know what's coming.

I'll be the Dylan there.

Oh my god.

God, totally fucking marginalized community, dude.

Can I finger they?

I.

And then while they're rocking out this feminist extra work, runs.

While we're me and David Jolly, Martin was meeting us there, because you know, he takes time to get to places.

I ain't got time to fucking wait for this.

Stoplights in demo are short.

I see Martin, me and David see Martin behind the window.

He's like knocking on the window.

I'm like, what the fuck?

And he's got his dog.

You know, Andy, the little fucked up dog?

Martin Phillips as a service animal?

Yeah, it's not a, it's just a dog.

It's a dog.

Oh.

In his sense, it's definitely a service animal.

I'm pretty sure everybody that's that handicapped, yeah, it's a lot.

And he's out there with Andy and then he texts me.

They're not letting me in with the dog.

You should have seen me, dude.

Fool Karen.

I go straight to the manager.

I google federal law in America.

You can't even ask why the dog is there.

Fuck you.

I just kept.

No, you should.

Me and David.

And David Jolly, too.

He's like, yeah.

Dude, the owner comes to the bar and he's like explaining that it's law.

If there's food being served, there can't be a dog allowed.

I know, dude, I'm fucked up.

I'm literally yelling at the bar, like federal law.

David's in the back showing the gun.

You know, we're fucking.

If the feminists on stage only knew the work I've done and I got that motherfucking dog in, dude.

Yeah!

I love it.

You are a legend.

And

yeah, Ari Maddie.

And also...

Hello, Ryan O'Neill.

And also...

Does anybody remember the time I went to Florida?

I went to Tito Ortiz's bar.

And I needed my fucking belt for the fucking raffle.

That's right.

Remember when Tito Ortiz fucked me?

Yeah.

And you know me, dog.

I'm getting my fucking belt.

So Heidi, can you bring out my fucking belt?

Oh,

wow.

He won the Tito Ortiz.

Tito Ortiz, where you went!

Wow, that is incredible.

How'd you end up getting it?

Actually, Tito sent it to me.

He's a very nice guy.

He said...

He's a very nice guy.

He literally told me, you gotta stop Kill Tony people from coming in and calling me a liar and a thief and a scammer.

No, he said it's a whole thing.

People groups and groups.

Fuck you, Tito, liar.

Where's the belt?

I love that.

That's the Kill Tony world.

Don't fuck with us.

Damn right.

Very rarely do I sick the Kill Tony universe on anybody.

So Tito,

good job playing along.

Fantastic stuff.

You are indeed the reigning defending Kill Tony champion of the world as well.

Ari Imagi, ladies and gentlemen, the force

of nature, the Estonian assassin.

The drawing from Ryan G.

Ebolt is in.

How loud can you guys get for my fantastic fucking guest tonight?

Chris O'Connor is in Cleveland, August 15th and 16th.

And hilarities.

Go to achrisoconner.com or go to the link.

That's at ChrisO'Connor Comedy.

Connor with the last two letters being OR.

Speaking of OR, that's the first room I ever performed in in my entire history of stand-up comedy at the comedy store.

And the first MC to bring me up, the first comedy show I ever saw in my life was hosted by one more time Ryan O'Neill, everybody.

With two L's at the end.

Go check out Slop Quest.

The podcast is available everywhere.

Yeah, absolutely.

And check them out at RyanO'Neal with two L'scomedy.com.

Thank you to Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify one more time for the best stamp band in the land.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight, everybody.

While we all set, wow, that's fucking amazing.

Cam Patterson on like some type of little boat.

Absolutely fucking amazing.

That looks great.

Local artist, Chris Rogers.

Follow him at Chris RogersArt, right?

On social media.

Yep.

Red band.

Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

Brian Callan has a new improv show Wednesdays sunsetstripatx.com.

Love you guys.

We're doing it.

We're really doing it red band.

We're living the dream Madison Square Garden.

I do stand-up on the 15th of August.

We do kill Tony for the third time at Madison Square Garden, August 16th.

When I go to Madison Square Garden, crazy stuff tends to happen.

I don't know if you guys know about this, but it's a very, very...

I have an amazing history at that venue um a lot of other fun stuff happening I'm doing stand-up everywhere getting ready for a big uh special taping at the end of September so check me out doing stand-up I promise you it's very very good

and that is about it did you guys have fun tonight

Thank you we love you

good night everybody thank you so much

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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