#728 - GREG FITZSIMMONS

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You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Every single week, I book one or two of the funniest people in the world.

This is a one-guest episode because he's literally one of the best in the history of the show.

For those of you that have been watching for the last 12 years, you will probably note that this guy is one of the record holders for all time appearances as a guest on the show.

I grew up on this guy, listening to him on Howard Stern.

When I started at the comedy store 18 years ago, I realized, wow, without a doubt, one of the best stand-up comedians on planet Earth.

12 years ago when we started the show, he began as a guest.

He's back tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody.

One of the best.

One of the best to ever do it.

The great and powerful FitzDog.com for tickets.

Oh, Joya, Pottsdown, PA Point, Pleasant, New Jersey.

He is on tour.

One of the best ever.

Greg Fitzsimmons.

Hi, Greg.

God, thank you, Tony.

Time to be here.

Red Band, nice to see you.

The band.

Let's fucking launch some dreams.

Let's go.

Or light up the suicide hotline.

That's what we love.

We love that energy.

Anything can happen.

Sometimes we crush dreams.

Sometimes we amplify them.

Absolutely anything can happen.

201 human beings signed up for tonight's show.

A little bit of a light sign up, which I find interesting.

People may have gone home for the 4th of July or whatever, and now they're settling back in.

But if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview and I'm here with truly one of my favorite people to sit on this show with, Greg Fitzsimmons.

And also Red Ban is here.

And that is it.

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

We're gonna start it with a golden ticket winner to get us started, everybody, and then we will get to the great bucket of destiny.

But this guy won a golden ticket a couple years ago, very, very Jewie.

You know him, you love him.

High energy.

This is Jack Shaw, everybody.

A new minute from Jack Shaw.

My dad's been really struggling with with trans pronouns,

but he finally got it right, dude.

He said, I hate them.

I was like, fuck yeah, dad, good job.

I like trans people, dude.

I get it.

I want a new dick, too, man.

I hate my dick, dude.

I went to a drag show for the first time.

Oh my god, it was amazing, dude.

I saw a lady put her foot in her butthole.

I didn't even know that was an option.

You can do that.

That's real.

I came up with a great name for a Jewish drag queen.

Would you like to hear it?

Ausch Tits.

Thank you guys so much.

Jack Shaw.

Very fun, Jack.

Always fun to hear a new minute from you.

Is that true?

You talk with your dad about trans people?

Oh, he can't stand them.

Let's talk about it.

I find it all so interesting.

He's still in Los Angeles, correct?

That's right.

So he's surrounded by them.

Everywhere.

And how does this come up?

Does he see them and brings it up to you?

He goes to Silverlake.

He goes to Starbucks and Silverlake.

Ah.

And he calls me and he says, I hate it here.

Yeah.

It makes him so upset.

It makes him really angry.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Greg Fitzsimmons.

Do they order the half-calf when they're at Stilverlake?

Ah.

Why do you think your dad goes to the Starbucks in Silverlake?

He likes just regular old Starbucks of all the coffee shops around there.

He stands by Starbucks.

Yeah, he loves it.

Very interesting.

So interesting.

What does he get from you?

Just Just a normal, normal burnt-ass, regular, fucking nasty coffee.

He gets an ice shake and espresso because my dad's a little girl.

It's a pretty good drink, actually.

It's so good.

It's okay.

You're a gay guy.

Oh, my God.

Jack, how dare you?

God damn it.

You're about to start a whole new Holocaust.

You keep that up.

Now, do you really hate your dick?

You said you hate your dick at one point during this set.

I don't really hate my dick.

It's fine.

It's a fine dick.

Is it a fine dick?

Now, describe what you mean by fine exactly.

Describe your dick for the millions of people watching.

Right.

So, have you guys seen a dick before?

It's sort of like that.

I feel like if you had a nice dick, it would be the only really good part of your body.

You're just sort of mushy.

I don't mean that in a mean way.

You don't mean that in a mean way?

Well, going after us tonight.

You, dude, you look like you have AIDS.

Oh, my God, Jack Shaw.

Hey, let me tell you.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you're Wiltic.

Respect your elders.

Let's just say

I hang out at a Starbucks and

respect your elders, Jack Shaw.

Well, he's so old, though.

Oh, my goodness.

How old am I?

So old.

I don't know.

That's it.

Yeah, that's it.

All right.

Wow.

How old are you?

59.

Holy shit.

Yeah.

I was going to say like 72.

Oh, my God.

Jack, take it easy.

I know.

I'm sorry.

It's tough coming from a kid who dresses like he's in eighth grade.

Yeah.

Right, right.

So Jack, what about?

Do you like the part of my pants that can hold a hammer?

Right, right.

Yeah, that's the awesome thing.

Dress like you have a job and you don't.

So it's like work boots and a fucking trucker hat.

Right.

Jack, how's life going?

Connect with us over here.

What's going on in life?

What's going on in life?

My girlfriend and I did mushrooms together.

Whoa, you seem like you'd be a fucking real fun guy to do mushrooms with.

I had a bad time.

Let's talk about it.

Tell us all about it.

I I thought I had a pussy, dude.

We're finding out why you hate your dick real quick.

Yeah.

This makes sense.

I got so scared.

I swear to God, I thought it was a clitoris.

Did you just do it at home?

Did you go somewhere?

We were at the beach.

Which beach?

In Ventura.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right.

So right on the ocean.

That's where the beach is.

Got a real fucking attitude tonight, buddy.

It's a fun show.

Since when did the Jews just shoot shots at everybody, every which direction, just attacking

to your left, to your right, everyone around you?

When did the Jews start firing off missiles like this?

Every fucking...

I feel like we should help you with some of these.

We should, perhaps, as true Americans, we should give you some weapons for you fire off, and then you could just say what we give you.

You're funding it, dude.

You're goddamn right.

You guys are making this happen.

You are right.

So, you're at the beach.

Is your girlfriend Jewish too?

No, she's Christian.

Oh my god.

Yeah.

Wow.

Do you ever talk about how do you ever talk about how your ancestors killed Jesus?

Oh, all these.

We sometimes we role play.

Yeah, she's Jesus, and I'm everybody else.

Wow.

Incredible.

Absolutely incredible.

Well, fun times, Jack.

You got the show started.

Congratulations.

Welcome.

You did it again.

Golden ticket winner, Jack Shaw.

And it has begun.

And now we go to the bucket.

This is where things get interesting.

This is it.

We're going to meet at this first bucket pull all together.

Make some noise for Jesse Salvana.

Jesse Saldana, perhaps.

Yo,

I recently realized I'm ready to be a dad because I got this girl pregnant.

But this was two years ago,

right after Roe v.

Wade got overturned.

And she was like, I'm pregnant.

And I was like, well, we only got one choice, I guess.

And I say it's the first time I realized I was ready to be a dad because most of my ex-girlfriends have been Mexican girls.

So I've had this conversation before, you know.

But this was the first time I was like, you know what?

I got a good job.

I got benefits.

I didn't really know what those benefits were, but this old dude at work kept telling me, hey, the benefits are good here.

I was like, man, you might be right.

You've been here for 20 years and this job sucks.

So I told her all that, and she's like, I'm not having your fucking kid.

And I was like, oh,

white girls are cool.

And

I live in Austin now.

I've been telling people I moved to Austin for comedy, but the truth is, I just wanted to find a white girl who likes the same drugs I like.

Okay.

Jesse Saldana

just kind of just stopping.

Welcome, Jesse.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Eight years.

Eight years?

Wow.

Where at?

San Antonio?

Houston.

Houston.

That was my next guess.

Yeah, yeah.

Same shit.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

So what is it that you do for work?

I'm in sales.

I sell showers.

You sell showers?

I go to old people's houses and tell them they need a new shower.

Uh-huh.

Just a different version of a pyramid scheme.

Okay.

All right.

Is there something special about your showers?

They're cheap to make, expensive to sell.

Okay.

Pyramid scheme.

Okay.

I don't think you know what a pyramid scheme is.

Oh.

I forgot.

I'm supposed to tell my friends to sell showers with me.

And then I get commission off of their sales.

Okay.

There you go.

Now it makes sense.

So let's talk about it, Jesse.

What are the drugs that you like to do?

Weed and mushrooms.

Okay.

Weed and mushrooms.

You do that every day?

Not mushrooms.

Right.

You smoke weed every day.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

You do this while selling showers?

After.

you know I mean okay yeah now I know what you mean yeah you told me yeah I know exactly what that means smoking weed after work yeah I got that

like a normal person yeah

you could do conceivably do both you could get high and then sell showers you think it would mess you up a little bit yeah it's hard to talk to old people when you're high

speak for yourself

So this whole thing, do you have a girlfriend now, Mexican girls, white girls, you talked about?

No, yeah, I'm with a white woman now.

You're with a white woman now.

How long have you been with her?

Like two years.

Where'd you meet her at?

Here in Austin.

But where in Austin exactly?

I don't know, some coffee shop that sold weed.

A coffee shop that sells weed?

Yeah.

Okay.

And did you approach her?

She went up to you?

Well, here's the thing about that weed.

Uh-huh.

I don't really remember how we met.

I just know it happened at that place like two years ago around.

So romantic.

Yeah, it's what a great guy.

You know what I mean?

Incredible.

So,

and now you guys live together?

How do you know that?

I don't.

I'm asking you a question.

We are on a live show right now.

I did not.

It sounded like accusing, like, like a...

I don't even know.

Damn.

Did you get high before this?

Did you get high right before this?

I didn't think my name was going to get pulled.

That's a classic thing we hear here from a lot of people.

No one knows that their name's going to get pulled.

A little fun fact about the show, it'd be a whole different show if they did.

The whole bucket would be pointless.

I would have been ready to do one minute.

Yep.

And instead, you did 56 seconds and stopped talking completely.

Yep.

So eight years in the business, was that like your

best material, you'd think?

Or is that like some new stuff you're working on?

That That's just the shortest.

I tell a lot of stories.

Ooh, yeah.

A lot of stories, huh?

A lot of stories.

With long setups.

Yeah.

It takes a while to get to them.

Cut all of that.

And I was like, well, I can talk about this time I got this random girl pregnant.

Did you really?

So that's a true story.

I wish it wasn't.

Right.

And did she, she got an abortion?

Yeah, you know, there's still other ways to do that.

Explain to us exactly what you mean.

So

you can order these pills from Mexico that take care of it.

Ooh, wow.

How exciting.

Tide pods, right?

Or whatever those.

See, the white boys were onto Tide Pods early.

So you ordered basically Mexican Plan B?

Yep.

It works way later than Plan B does.

Works way later.

I mean, doesn't it take like a month to find out you're pregnant?

I don't know how this works.

Wow.

You take it so late, you actually give it to the baby.

That's a Mexican plan D.

Plan C.

Yep.

Plan C means you're keeping it.

This is plan null.

Oh my God.

So it works a lot later than American Plan B.

Yeah, you know, we do things different down there.

Okay.

All right.

And you ordered it and it came in the mail?

Not exactly.

I mean, there was still some smuggling involved.

Okay.

So you actually had a friend or someone go get it.

I didn't know that guy, but.

Met in a parking lot and I was like, man, this feels like old drug deals.

It felt good.

Probably was.

Do you know

exactly what it's called?

Fentanyl?

I don't know what it was.

She's white.

She found it.

White girls are good at finding pills.

And this current girlfriend of yours, she's white.

Oh, yeah, but she's not like that.

When you say she's not like that, what do you mean exactly?

Like, she's not white trash.

So if you got her pregnant, what would happen?

Oh, we ain't get.

No, we're safe.

Like, we.

When you say you're safe, what do you mean?

You know, pulling out.

You pull out.

What do you think I meant?

Like, y'all know what I meant.

All right.

You're checking in with them?

You think I'm out of touch?

You think I don't know what I'm doing over here?

I don't know.

I heard some stories about you.

I bet you did.

I bet you did.

Okay.

So,

I mean, where do we even go from here?

My dear friend, Jesse Saldana.

That's how you spell your name, Jesse, with an I?

Yeah.

I asked my mom why she spelled my name like that, and she said the nurse spelled it wrong, and they just didn't fix it.

Holy shit.

Hey, man, I was born in Dallas in 1987.

My mom did not want to correct a white nurse.

You know?

Okay.

She doesn't speak English.

That's how it was.

All right, Jesse.

Jesse.

What else?

Do you have any hobbies or anything?

Damn.

Yeah.

They gave me the cop siren.

I used to be a juvenile probation officer.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay.

Why don't you do that anymore?

My criminal record.

Ooh.

What exactly is your criminal record?

This tree popped up out of nowhere on my way home.

The what popped up?

A tree.

A tree.

Yeah.

And you'd been drinking and driving.

I mean, that's what they said.

Damn, you totaled your car?

Yeah.

Do you remember what happened at all?

I mean, I woke up and there was a bunch of trees, and then

there wasn't.

Yeah, your people love cutting down trees any way you possibly can.

Damn.

All right, Jesse, here's a little joke book.

Congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket.

You did it.

On to the next one, Jesse Saldana.

Oh

my god.

You know what that sound means.

It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Auga.

Boy, Jesse, it started.

It was like a shower.

It started hot, got kind of cold, and then went right down the drain.

Yes, it did.

Real fast.

Some people are hyper-aware tonight.

They seem sensitive tonight.

Both Jesse and Jack Shaw on the defensive, ready to go.

Did you guys understand what I was talking about?

How does he not know what I mean?

You got the buddy's like, no.

That's gotta suck.

All right, your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Alex Hurtlene or Hurtline.

Alex.

Dada.

Hell yeah, dude.

All right, so real quick, I just want to address this shit going on.

Because whenever I do stand-up, most people are wondering why I look like my mom after she burnt dinner.

Yeah, it's just a birthmark.

My mom's fine.

My dad would never hit my mom in the face, okay?

Only in the stomach when she was pregnant with me.

That's how it happened.

Yeah, but when people find out it's a birthmark, they usually hit me with something like, pardon me, Zuko.

What was it like growing up part soccer ball?

And, you know, obviously I got bullied and shit quite a bit.

But dude, my childhood was actually way harder for my dad, bro.

He got falsely accused of child abuse a lot.

Yeah, every day, sir, why'd you give your four-year-old the smoke?

Like, dude, I remember this one lady was yelling at him so badly that, like, my little kid brain didn't know how to process it.

So I would just shake in fear like Gordon Ramsey's wife when he's about to go down on her.

Well, thank you.

Okay.

First question, Alex.

Why would Gordon Ramsey's wife be scared before...

Oh, shit, I see the thing.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

The phantom of Kiltoni has arrived.

Holy shit.

So that's just your normal face.

Unfortunately.

Well, no, I think it's got a little style to it.

You know what I mean?

I think it's great.

it's awesome from the from you should have just stayed facing the audience the whole time and this would have gone a lot better for you

no it's great it's great Alex nobody even notices

first question why would Gordon Ramsey's wife be scared if he's going down on her I mean he fucking gets pissed when it tastes bad like any food oh okay you should you should say that part

that gets a laugh and applause and stuff you should say that it's probably gonna help instead of people just confused, like, what's wrong with Wolfgang or Gordon Ramsey's, whatever.

So, Alex, how long you been doing stand-up?

Like, two and a half years or so.

Two and a half years.

Where at here?

Mostly Denver.

Denver?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

That's where you're from.

Yep.

All right.

And what do you do for work?

For work, right now I'm a porter at a dealership, so I like take the cars that they're working on, take them to the bays.

Right.

Shit like that.

They keep you away from the customers, like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

You're just kind of like the behind the scenes guy.

Like keep the monster away from the

can't sell cars with the freak out here.

Anyway.

Do girls like it, Alex?

What's your love life like?

Girls like it if their relationship with their dad is bad, but other than that, not really.

Yeah, I kind of get a lot of O's when they turn around

after I say hi.

Yeah, kind of like how this, yeah, just silence, waiting for further explanation.

I think the bucket hat's more aggressive than the birthmark, to be honest with you.

What do you got under there?

What are you dealing with?

You're like.

Oh.

Yeah, look at that.

You're like, this is like when the nerdy girl takes off her glasses at the end of a rom-com or something like that.

Oh, Jack Stripper.

Yeah, you're not a bad-looking guy.

You're like if Gordon Ryan never tried sports or anything like that.

Nobody knows that reference.

He's a jujitsu guy.

Okay, so Alex, what do you do for fun?

For fun, I played hockey growing up.

So normally I would do like beer league in Denver, but then I moved here and realized that there was like no ice rinks.

Right.

So there's that.

I also used to like be super into entrepreneurship.

Uh-huh.

What happened with that?

I just,

I don't know.

I felt like my ideas were a little too retarded.

Like I would go door to door selling no soliciting signs

that's great yeah and it didn't work for you I made like 500 bucks but it was like really bad quality signs it looked like a fucking like dive bar restroom sign but it was just the no soliciting little stick figure guy with the fucking no through him

you made 500 bucks how many hours or days did you do this?

I did it for like probably consistently like a month probably like six hours a day selling each for 20 bucks after I bought them for a dollar It could have been good, but I kind of just gave up because I just it was not worth

Sounds like a real pyramid scheme to me.

Yeah

Yeah.

That's actually a real good joke though like selling no soliciting signs door to door.

That's fucking funny.

Thank you.

Yeah

Red band.

I've been struggling with the writing part of it.

Like I've attempted, but it never goes well.

like dead silence whenever i like try something but working on it so that's kind of got like hair all over it uh yeah dude it's

you have to shave it regularly i've been shaving since i was three months old dude wow yeah how often you have to shave it uh to like not scare people probably a week and you got to go like all the way to under your eye and then down kind of yeah kind of like it's face it that way for a second this way oh shit fuck yeah yeah that's a whole thing.

So, yeah, it's like, for some reason, like, it has kind of a built-in fade.

It's like way shorter up here, and it gets super long down here.

Do barbers charge you extra for that?

No.

They like try to do it as like charity.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I was just going to say my testicles the same way.

But have you considered this?

Just a thought, just spitballing.

You're a hockey player.

Have you ever just told a woman, I got a black eye, and then hope that after a few weeks she likes you enough that you go, by the way, it's permanent?

I tried once in high school, and she got weirded out that it just stayed there forever.

Yeah, but I mean, yeah, I don't know.

They usually like get more freaked out by the hair.

It's almost like they don't even notice like the genuine, obvious dark spot.

Have you thought about growing it out and braiding it?

Dyeing it red, attaching an eyeball?

Slightly.

Dude, no bullshit.

It takes so long, like, towards my eye to, like, actually get length.

It takes like two months.

I've tried.

Interesting.

Yeah.

And what's underneath there?

Is it firm?

Is it soft?

Oh, I thought it was cancer.

It didn't used to always be, like, pregnant.

When did that start?

Like, when I was 20, roughly.

How old are you now?

I'm 23.

Wow.

Okay.

So there's still time.

There is.

Interesting.

I wonder what our friend Dr.

Pimple Popper would say about this.

Can you get laser hair removal from that?

Yeah, I actually spent like the first five years of my life going to like a laser removal doctor because this shit used to be all the way down to my mouth.

And if I didn't get it like fixed, I wouldn't have been able to eat without biting my face.

This is

absolutely unbelievable.

You know.

A lot of people say that this show just has a bunch of handicapped, creepy people on it.

Then here comes fucking half a monkey boy walking out.

Incredible.

Did you get bullied for it a lot as a kid?

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

What's the meanest thing anybody ever said to you or how did they negatively affect your life?

Let's relive it real quick in front of millions of people.

Sorry, I'm trying to think of like the best one.

Chocolate chip cookie got to me.

Oh, yeah, that's a rough one.

That's the monkey noise from 45 seconds ago, everybody.

Chocolate chip cookies a rough one.

Yeah, it is brutal.

Yeah, and then another, it was like, oh, he's such a pussy and avoids fights because if he got hit in his other eye, he would look like a raccoon.

That was a banger.

Yeah, that's a banger.

It really is.

I'll tell you what.

Here's a medium-sized joke book.

Hell yeah.

There you go.

Alex Hurtline.

Hell yeah.

There he goes.

One more time for Alex, everybody.

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Now.

It's a real freak show so far.

Here we go.

Let's keep it going.

Make some noise.

This is a minute uninterrupted for AJ Iglesias.

AJ Higlesius.

What's going on, guys?

My name is AJ Iglesias.

I know that confuses some of you because my face says Trump supporter, but the name says ICE Detention Center.

What an awkward ice raid that's got to be.

They knock on my door, they open it up, and I'm like, hey, what's going on, man?

Like, sir, he's white.

And like, I still get arrested, not because I'm Mexican, because they found the mushrooms on my coffee table, you know what I mean?

Honestly, like, the only way a guy like me gets any work nowadays is if I like stand outside of a Home Depot and pray to God somebody needs a half pipe built, you know?

I don't just do half pipes.

I do stairs too, man.

Confuses all my jobs, man.

It's fucking awesome.

Like, I work a lot of labor jobs.

They think they're getting some hard work in Mexican, and then my big, dumb, white ass shows up, like, hey, what's going on?

Can I vape in here?

Is that cool with you guys?

No, just, all right, cool.

Yeah, yeah, most definitely.

You guys are fun, man.

I like you guys.

This is really cool.

Fuck, that's my set.

My name is A.J.

Igglesius.

Thank you all so much.

A.J.

Iglesias.

Am I saying that right?

Iglesias?

The H is silent.

The H is silent.

The first letter of your last name is silent.

So you go by Iglesias?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Yeah.

Different than Inglesias.

Right?

Yeah.

No, it's not Inglesias.

It's Iglesias.

But like, I try not to say it with an accent because people are just like, you shouldn't.

Are you 100% Latino?

No, I'm half.

My dad's Mexican.

My mom is very white.

Yeah, very, very, very, very, very, very white.

That's incredible.

So are they still together?

No.

Why do you think I'm up here?

No, yeah, that makes sense.

How old were you when they separated?

I was seven years old.

Okay.

Yeah.

We are.

De-Manis is laughing at me.

He's like, fuck you.

I love divorce.

Yeah.

He's just happy that he couldn't see the last guy's face.

Oh, shit.

So, AJ, let's talk about it.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

I've been doing stand-up comedy off and on for the last nine years since I was about 19.

Wow.

Yeah.

Nine years.

And what do you do for work?

I am a software tester for self-driving cars here in Austin.

Wow.

Not Waymo, Zukes.

Shout out, I guess.

Okay.

What's the difference between Zook and Waymo?

They're Amazon-owned, and I guess they're like building like a fully autonomous car with like four people in it and no like steering wheel.

It's like a fully like, yeah, it's kind of, yeah.

I mean, you should know.

You're the guy, right?

Yeah, but like the cars we have are different.

We're like, we're like in Toyota Highlanders and like the robot's coming like in the next year or so.

So we're just making sure it doesn't crash, you know?

The robot's coming.

The robot is going to be coming and it's going going to be coming hard.

Wow.

Yeah.

All right.

For some reason, I'm hard as a rock right now.

AJ, what's your love life like?

Kind of bad.

Yeah.

I just got recently broken up with.

Why?

Why did she break up with you?

I don't think she liked Texas.

I moved her from California where I'm originally from, obviously.

And

yeah, she spent two months here and was like, I want to leave.

And I was like, oh, damn.

I like made my apartment all nice for her, you know, like made it it like lady-friendly, and then she left.

So, let's talk about it real quick.

What do you mean by lady-friendly?

You

lowered the toilet seat, or yeah, like

I put like shelves in the shower and shit.

Like, I bought her like a vanity to put in the bathroom.

Like, she games, so like I got her like a gaming desk and stuff.

And now I just have like a nicer apartment.

So, it's pretty sick.

Very interesting.

How long ago was this breakup?

It was like the beginning of the year, I think.

Like, yeah, it was like January-ish.

And she went back to California and doesn't talk to you at all anymore.

She still does talk to me, actually.

So, you guys have like a kind of a long-distance thing going on?

Not really at all.

Like, I think she doesn't even like men, so that was a real blow to the ego.

That's the type of woman that would move back to California.

A lesbian.

Yeah.

Takes a real lesbo to leave Texas for California.

She's right now at a Starbucks in Silverlake, assuredly, sitting next to Jack's angry Jew dad

while he scoffs at the lesbian antics.

So, you thought that a woman would like shelves in a shower.

It's funny how this episode's kind of like all repeating itself.

Nice.

Okay.

So, shelves in a shower, a gaming desk.

Well, it's just like a regular desk to set up her games and stuff.

When she left, what made you think that she's a lesbian?

Can you explain?

Oh, she told me.

Wow.

Yeah, like,

yeah, I went to go buy her a bong because she likes to smoke weed.

And I got, like, you know, bought her a bong and like some candy that she likes.

And then she's like, I like women.

And I'm like, sick.

Yeah, it's never good if you buy your girlfriend a bong and she just sits on it.

It's never a good sign.

It isn't.

It never is.

So did she ever try to like, did you ever, like, did you always have long hair like that?

Um, uh, yeah.

No, well, for the last, like, you know, two years or so.

Did she ever try to like put your legs over your head and eat where your pussy would be

no did you ever get hints that she was into lesbian type of stuff in the bedroom she likes being on top a lot so like maybe that that could have been a sign hmm yeah yeah that was about it she didn't try to eat my boy pussy

which i was a little offended that she didn't want to but then again you know makes sense it would make sense yeah

yep it's not a good time down there did you try to like have another girl come in the bedroom you know when you fly no no she kind of just dropped the news and she's like i fly out in two weeks and that was like the most awkward two weeks of my fucking life.

Because I live in a studio, so we're like on top of each other, literally.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's on top of you.

Greg Fitzsimmons.

Well,

look, there's a lot.

There's a lot to unpack.

I'm still getting over it.

There was a guy up here with a hairy baseball on the side of his face a minute ago.

I saw that guy and I'm like, I feel a little constracted.

Yeah.

We're punching people in the face if they do bad tonight.

Oh, it's a whole new episode, a whole new level of kilts.

Would you consider going under the knife to get this woman back and becoming a woman?

cutting off your dick and adding the rest of the tits that you have on your chest.

You know,

I feel like this is enough, I thought.

I like having a dick.

It's really awesome.

Yeah, yeah.

So I wouldn't get rid of that.

Nah.

And what about the hair that you have all over your t-shirt in the back?

Is that you're covered in your own hair?

I know, it's crazy.

Do you think the grooming might have had something to do with it?

Probably.

I think, yeah.

I'm like a cat, so she was just like finding hair all over her, you know what I mean?

It was terrible.

You have a cat?

I don't.

It's just me.

Oh, you're like,

yeah.

What's a fun fact about your life that you think makes you different than other people?

God, the only fun fact is like people don't believe I'm Mexican.

That's part of my sex.

Do you ever communicate with your dad?

I do.

You guys are.

Yeah.

Like talk on the phone?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

He's still in California?

No.

He just recently like retired early.

He sold his house in California, bought an RV, and he's like touring the country right now.

Just him and avoiding ice that's what that's called everybody just touring the country right now retired and touring just on the run

yeah all right okay well

all right aj well fun times here's a medium-sized joke book buddy there you go aj iglesias ladies and gentlemen

Good news.

We have a special treat for you, everybody.

Got through a few wild bucket pulls, and now it is time for one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

She is from Nashville, Tennessee.

She is an absolute savage.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful Theo Nacau, everyone.

Hello.

I just got back from France.

Yeah, they let me over there.

No, it was uh pretty funny.

I got there and had to Uber from the airport at the hotel and my fiancé was with me and our Uber driver was like this really hot French man.

Okay.

And I thought he was hitting on me

and I was really excited to turn down this French guy in front of my fiancé.

I kind of need that emotionally.

And then he goes, I just really love your voice.

Which, as you all can imagine, isn't really a compliment I get often.

Yeah, no.

And then he goes, Yeah, I'm learning English, so

you talk so slow.

It's

so helpful and like

y'all, I am already humbled, you know what I mean?

Like God took curve it.

I don't need this man.

My point is Duolingo can suck my dick.

Duolingo can suck my wee wee or whatever.

Thank you.

Fiona Collie.

There you go.

That's how it's done.

Fiona, Fiona, Fiona.

Fantastic.

You've done it again.

How's life going?

Really good.

I went on my bachelorette party.

Oh, shit.

Yeah.

What's that like?

It was kind of stressful deciding what to do because life is full of walking activities.

Yeah.

Yes.

What did you settle on?

I figured it out.

We went to a Dollywood, like this theme park, because sitting, number one, we all love it.

I'm the best.

And it's the only place that I get like to cut lines and perks for being disabled.

So that was good.

What kind of perks do you get for being disabled?

The fast best.

Ooh.

Hell yeah.

And these are like rides and stuff?

Yeah.

Craig Fitzsimmons.

Just the cruel irony that they call it the fast pass.

That's got to hurt.

So what kind of rides are there?

Just like really fast up and down.

It's like a theme park, amusement park.

Have you ever been to Dolly World?

No, have you been to Dollywood?

Hell yeah.

It's great.

It's really great.

It's an amusement park.

Yeah, yeah.

It was my first.

You've been to Dollywood in Tennessee?

Yeah.

You made that trip?

Yeah, we're from Ohio.

That was like Art Disney World was Dolly World.

Well, we also had Cedar Point.

I know.

The world's greatest amusement park.

Kings Island, Geaga Lake.

Famously.

Dolly World.

We were spoiled.

Hershey.

And you went all the way to Dolly?

Dolly World.

Dolly World.

Dolly World.

Hey, they also have like really good food there, so I get it.

Would you have like a like a

powdered sugar covered thing?

A hot dog, yeah.

A hot dog.

Yep.

Perfect.

That's how Red Band likes his hot dogs.

That's fun.

So a bunch of chicks showed up and you guys went to Dolly World.

Yeah,

Dolly Wood.

Dolly Wood.

Okay.

Red Band corrected me to Dolly World and now we're back.

We're back.

I don't know why I listen to him.

I rarely do.

Took a chance on him and that's where it got me.

Now I'm a fucking idiot in front of millions of people.

It's the bean all over again.

It's the fucking bean all over again.

Dollywood, Dolly World.

God damn.

I did

shrooms.

Ooh, everybody's talking about mushrooms this episode.

It's a mushroom-heavy episode.

So let's talk about it.

How did the mushrooms hit you?

Oh my god, I don't deal with drugs well.

Okay, but I did shrooms at Dollywood, which

yeah, something is wrong with me.

Okay,

really scary.

I forgot that like I'm on the show sometimes, and so I'm like fully peeking.

And this guy comes up to me and he's like, oh my god, can I get a photo?

And I was like, why?

Yeah.

That's so funny.

My friends had ranted me out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what was the highlight?

Just fun, rides.

It was a good bachelorette party.

Yeah, didn't drop.

That was fun.

That was good.

I did a lot of shrooms in multiple days.

I don't do shrooms.

Now you do.

Yeah.

I was,

I had a Coke phase.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

We're just having a little confessional here tonight.

Tell us about this Coke phase.

What was that like?

It was in college in my like walker era.

Okay.

The old speedwalking.

I did coke for the first time, and I'm not fucking kidding.

I started doing cartwheels.

Oh, wow.

And I could like run by myself.

And I was so convinced that this was like the most modern medicine.

I told my neurologist,

I was like, you gotta try this shit.

It is unbelievable.

That's amazing.

Yeah, and he was like, no, that's like really cool, but you have a heart problem, so.

Imagine if that was a cure.

And Jerry Lewis shows up with a pound of Coke and gives it to all the kids, and they just all get up and start fucking dancing.

wow perfect music for that situation really painted the picture there red band gave us a nice texture for those of you just listening and not watching to the podcast Wow so fun so the highlights of the bachelorette party were mushrooms and fast pass Yes, yeah, and to get like the fast pass as a disabled person, they bring you in this little office and they question you.

I'm not getting like to like prove you're disabled enough.

And I was like, me?

Like, what are we?

What are we doing?

And one of the questions was, do you have the upper body strength to like hold yourself in place?

And I was like, this fucking cunt.

Like, of course.

Like, what a dumb fucking question.

I did not, okay.

I almost died on every ride.

Yeah,

a lot of slippage.

I had to go back and apologize to her.

I don't remember because I had a concussion, but like

you're so funny, Fiona.

We love you.

Another new minute from Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen.

She's done it again.

A superstar.

How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

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All right, back to the bucket we go.

I gotta say, this looks like one of the most fun names I've pulled in a long time.

I know a good name when I see one.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sir Winston Pickles, everybody.

Sir Winston Pickles.

Oh, yes, let's go.

Well, I'm 60 years of age and my high school belt still fits around my neck.

I try to stay in shape.

Just like the teenage girl next door.

She's one of those teenage girls who likes to go jogging at 5 a.m.

in the morning.

Well, 5.22 this morning.

Whenever she goes jogging, I like to drive slowly behind her with my headlights off.

You know, just to make sure she's safe.

Well, you have to, there's some fucking weirdos out there in the morning.

I've been reading this Diana book and

I find it difficult to comprehend.

It's been over 30 years, well almost 30 years, since

the world tragically lost what I believe anyway to be the most beautiful Mercedes-Benz ever made.

Thank you.

My name's Sir Winston Pickles.

You've been wonderful.

Sir Winston Pickles, let the fun begin.

Holy shit.

I love everything about you, Sir Winston Pickles.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show.

I genuinely laughed throughout your entire set.

That was amazing.

How long have you been performing on stage?

Ten years as a clown, six years as stand-up.

Okay.

Okay, so the last six you've been doing stand-up as a clown, but ten as a clown.

What were you doing the first four?

You don't seem like you'd be very good at children's parties or anything.

No.

There's still a few of those missing.

I love it.

I love it.

So where are you from?

England originally, but I just moved from Florida.

You moved to Austin, Texas?

Yeah, two weeks ago.

Welcome, welcome.

Look at that.

Amazing.

We'll see how you like this Texas heat.

I see that makeup's gonna be running any day now.

Well, welcome, welcome.

How long were you in Florida for?

Ten years.

Ten years.

Bad enough.

Right, exactly.

And so what do you do most of the time?

What is a guy like Sir Winston Pickles up to when he's not?

A bit of this, bit of that.

Huh?

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Okay, let's talk about it.

A little bit of what, a little bit of what?

I room my car at $20 an hour, also known as DoorDash.

Oh, you do DoorDash?

Yes.

You don't do it in character?

No.

Oh, my God.

Have you thought about doing it in character?

That seems like it would be a hit.

I mean, it gives people some real fucking nightmares on their ring doorbell camera.

Just freak people the hell out.

Seems like a blast.

Sir Winston Pickles, how much time do you think you have?

How much material do you think you have of that par that you just did for that minute?

I do 20 minutes.

I've been a feature in Florida.

Amazing.

Greg Fitzsimmons.

I'm just, it's hard to make fun of a guy who,

you know, you're just kind of in awe of.

Yeah.

I mean, I think you're hilarious.

Like, I like to shit on people

because they suck.

And I just think you're very good, so I'm speechless.

Well, thank you.

I agree.

I agree, Sir Winston Pickles.

I like your style a lot.

In fact, I think, you know, why don't you just do a little more time?

Why don't you do another minute or two?

I want to hear more of Sir Winston Pickles.

You guys want to hear some more material from Sir Winston Pickles?

I mean, I'm just going to let you take over, Sir Winston.

Feel free to shoot a fucking 20-minute special right now.

Hold on one second.

Can I get the can we do the solo light on Sir Winston Pickles?

Yeah, let's do that.

I've been having a lot of issues with my neighbours

especially the neighbor next door he's his carbon monoxide alarm kept me awake all last night

all night

of course I confronted him about it the next day I

Knocked on his door said Trevor you coming out what's on what's going on last night?

No answer.

No,

that's a dick move, that is.

I used to work on a circus on a cruise ship.

Uh,

met some great people,

met my first wife, the bearded lady.

Uh,

she wasn't uh part of the circus, no, she was from Maine.

Thank you.

Better great guy, the human cannonball.

Great guy, do anything for anyone.

Always went the extra mile.

Actually, that's how we lost him at sea.

There's not finding him either because

he was a midget.

I'm sorry, we can't use that word, no, can we?

It was a midget.

nice to go on this stage and found someone paler than me.

Any cruise ship lovers in here while we're talking about cruises?

What is wrong with you?

They say that at every given time of the year they 17 people a year disappear overboard never to be found again

that's not enough

on a weekend cruise I have a list of at least 50 women and children I want to throw overboard

no there are men too but it's women and children first

Sir Winston Pickles, I have some more questions now.

Amazing.

Amazing.

It's fun to just sit back and watch someone do comedy for a little bit.

I like your style.

You're so different than everybody else.

Did you work on cruise ships for a bit out of Florida?

No, that was a big lie.

Oh, okay.

Let me ask you this.

Have you met any, are there people out there, like women, that have clown fetishes?

Is that a thing?

Have you noticed that?

A few.

I try to stay away from them.

They're fucking weird.

So do you have like a wife or a girlfriend or something?

Yeah, she's at home in the basement.

Right.

And she likes you clown.

Did you ever, do you ever

hang out with her in the clown makeup?

Yes.

And does the carpet match the drapes?

Is there like a red nose on it?

It's shiny and red, yes.

It's a what?

It's shiny and red.

Shiny and red.

When's the last time you were in England, Sir Winston Pickles?

Oh,

a decade ago.

Good.

We were just there, and holy shit.

I have to apologize for that.

Yeah, it's a real mess.

These people, these people.

It's a mess.

Do you do the Lady Die joke in in england

no

no

fantastic material sir winston pickles welcome to the kill tony universe this is a big kill tony joke book made by the great bones eye ready band i i just want to say uh the last four arena shows i've seen you in the audience of the

i've been like what the fuck is going on here it's so great to finally see you i would love to have have you on the secret show Thursday

here you go Sir Winston Pickles has arrived ladies and gentlemen

a

dark and dirty clown just what we've always wanted here there he goes

Sir Winston Pickles he's our favorite clown we always like it when he comes to town

Alright, your next bucket pull, ladies.

This looks, I mean, again, this is another wild name.

And it's a one-word name.

Make some noise for offender.

Holy shit, this should be interesting.

Hell yeah, dude.

It's a new year.

It's a new me.

That's what I've been telling myself.

This year I've been working on my New Year's resolution.

Which is to quit smoking cigarettes.

This year I came up with a new technique.

It's where I I like to picture the cigarette.

Something I would never put in my mouth.

So if you were to guess a big black cock, you'd be correct.

Now, I don't know why it has to be big or black.

Just seems scarier.

And I know I got some supportive friends because they never get mad at me when I get down on my knees.

I say, hey, man, you got a lighter?

But boy, do they get pissed when I take off my hat and say hey, will you hold my hair

There was some good news to this whole situation and be I'm not homophobic or racist

All right

Wow offender

my goodness

That was the worst tragedy in Texas in the last five days

Wow.

Offender.

My God.

What's up, buddy?

What the hell was that, dude?

It's tough to follow Sir Winston Pickles, isn't it?

Win some, you lose some, you know?

I felt great about it.

This is awesome.

Have you won some?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

I'm here right now.

All right.

this is a win okay all right offender there you go there's people in the back like opportunity

doesn't matter what you do with it but you did get pulled out of the bucket uh tell us about you what the fuck was that

let's start there you've been working on that you've been running that at open mics gets laughs yeah it kills Really?

It does.

I don't want to sell it now.

I mean, if it sucked, it sucked.

I'll work it.

I'll get better.

Offender, what's going on in your actual life?

Let's talk about it.

Tell us about you.

So I live on my short bus.

I travel around Austin.

I do nothing but comedy.

I've been hosting now.

I've been here for six months.

I just, this makes 312.

312 mics that I've done since moving here.

Wow.

I've done it in Nashville.

I went to New York just to test the grounds before you guys go to MSG to understand how the subways work.

What is this like?

Wow.

You're ready to bomb on every level.

No, sir.

Absolutely incredible.

Wow.

It's all right.

I love it.

That's how it goes.

Yeah.

You're paying your dues.

312 open mics.

What's the worst it's ever gone?

Describe to us what the worst is.

Well, apparently right now, but

that's news to me.

I'm disappointed with that, but I feel like I just got off a bull and i sucked and so i maybe i need to work harder and better i mean okay this is going nowhere no i mean ask me anything else what do you want to know i just asked you what's the worst an open mics ever gone for you this isn't an open mic you're in front of millions of people right now

you are correct uh-huh

uh

i had a mic that i was hosting uh-huh This is true story.

It just happened last week, and some people came in interrupting.

It's a bar show.

Uh-huh.

And so, as a host, I tried to gain them back.

And

I told these people that this was not a movie theater, and

they did not, they didn't like that.

That was not, that wasn't when you say you told these people,

what do you mean by these people?

Can you describe them for them?

They were nice people, yeah.

They uh they like rap music, okay,

yeah,

fried chicken, Okey-dokey.

That's enough.

We got it.

We got it.

All right, Offender.

So

you've been on this show before, right?

One time.

But your name was different then.

No, it was Offender.

It was Offender.

That's right.

It's all coming back to you.

Kill Tony Bingo Board tattooed on his thigh.

You do have a Kill Tony bingo board tattooed to your thigh.

I do.

Wow.

This is our fan base, everybody, if you're wondering.

If you're wondering if you're sane or not for loving this show, this is the guy that has the...

Have you ever seen The Rock that comes with the Cam Patterson shirt?

No.

No.

You've never seen it?

Here.

No, it's okay.

It's okay.

No, I'll just hand it to you.

That's fentanyl.

Okay.

All right, offender.

You already have a little joke book?

I have a big joke book, but...

I gave you a big joke book?

Yes, sir.

What the fuck did you talk about possibly in that interview last time in which you got a big joke book?

I had been to prison.

Ah.

okay.

I had been to prison.

I mean,

I know prison had an effect on me, though, especially when it comes to women.

Okay.

Now, instead of buying them flowers, I just give them honey buns.

Okey-dokey, offender.

I'm gonna go shoot myself.

Here's a little joke book to go with the big one.

Here you go.

Boom.

Here, take that.

There you go.

Offender, everybody.

I am offended.

I am offended.

Alright.

Wow.

Sometimes it just gets a little fucking sad in here.

You know what I mean?

Make some noise for your next bucket full, Sunny Castillo, everyone.

Sonny Castillo.

So I recently bought a used dog from the animal shelter.

And she was a bit harder to take care of than I thought she would be, so I needed help.

So I went and got a used girlfriend from the woman's shelter.

I could never turn down a rescue.

And earlier this morning, we were getting ready to go to work.

And she kept complaining that she had a muffin top.

And I was like, nah, you look fine.

Cupcake.

So my friend Marticella just opened up the world's first gay ice cream parlor.

She calls it Motti Cohn's.

Thank you.

Sonny Castillo.

Welcome, Sonny.

Is this your first time on the show?

Yes, it is.

Nice.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About 14 years.

14 years.

Where at?

San Antonio?

No.

Yes, Austin.

I haven't really left Texas.

I was mostly around here.

Austin Houston.

Mostly around here.

Okay.

Austin, Houston.

What do you do for work, Sonny Castillo?

I work at a courthouse.

Okay.

What do you do at the courthouse?

We call people that have warrants and we try to help them to avoid being arrested by police.

So we're like the good guys.

So you try to call them in?

Yeah, it's easy because a lot of them are my family members.

Ah, very good, Sonny.

I like that.

Yeah, we know a lot of Castillos.

Big family you got.

Yes, yes.

I actually have over 80 first cousins on my dad's side.

Wow.

So we might be related.

Look at that.

80 cousins.

You might be related to these two as well.

okay Sonny what do you do for fun what are some hobbies of Sonny Castillo so I used to do photography and during the pandemic I started doing action figure photography and so I started doing action figure reviews on YouTube Wow red band is hard as a rock right now

that's absolutely incredible action figure reviews on YouTube is that taking off kind of is it getting popular uh it it i'm monetized so i get a couple hundred bucks a year from it.

A couple hundred bucks a year.

Wow.

It's like

it's something that I was already doing, so I was like, might as well make a little bit of money from it.

I love it.

Okay.

Very interesting.

It's childlike behaviors.

I'm going to check in with Greg Fitzsimmons here.

Well, look, I don't want to be harsh on the guy.

He's got a necklace with a revolver on it.

Is that something you wear to the courthouse?

Yeah, it's a 1911.

It's not a revolver, semi-automatic.

It's a G.I.

Joe gun.

Have you ever shot somebody?

I haven't, but I've been really close.

When you say you've been really close, what are we talking about?

So I was at Lakeland Mall one day, and

I was in the parking lot, and I saw a dude beating on an old woman.

So I hopped out and I stuck a 40-cal in his face.

Wow.

Told him to stop.

Amazing.

He listened.

You're an American hero.

Those rings,

where did you steal those from?

Actually, it's funny.

Most of these are street value, so we paid what they cost on the street.

What does that mean?

Explain to us non-criminals exactly what you mean by that.

I'm not saying they're stolen.

I'm not saying they're not stolen, but the person that we bought them from seemed like a legit guy.

Once a wedding ring, that came from Kay Jewelers.

It doesn't look like great metal.

It looks like the kind of metal where if you pulled the ring off, you would still have a ring on your skin.

Wow.

Technically, I do because of son, but yeah.

Yeah.

So there you go.

So you're married?

I am married.

How long have you been married for?

We've been married going on six years.

Six years.

What does she do?

She works for the state.

Okay.

Not quite sure.

I know she's in front of a computer.

You have no idea what your wife of six years does for a living.

Yeah, she does something.

Okay.

Where'd you guys meet?

Actually, through a mutual friend on Facebook.

Before the Facebook dating thing, we met.

Okay.

First date, what'd you do?

I asked her,

you know, where did she want to go?

I was like, we got Taco Bell, Golden Chick, or Little Caesars.

She chose Taco Bell.

Wow, okay.

She's Latino as well?

Yes.

Amazing.

I was straight up with her.

I was like, look, I'm O2 Eastside.

I'm not really fancy.

When you say O2 Eastside, what exactly do you mean by that?

Born and raised here, Austin, Texas, O2 East Austin.

O2 East Austin.

Michael, can you translate that for me?

What exactly does that mean?

O2 East Austin.

Pre-gentrification.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I know what that means.

So it was kind of like

the hood.

Yeah, you could say that.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

yeah i mean most people do

and what do you think about your lovely city uh nowadays are you one of the complaining locals that says it was better back in the day

like that guy with the bucky's shirt and the hat over there

i'm kind of torn between the whole gentrification thing because it's like yeah they ruined our neighborhood but they also made some of my people some money so it's kind of between the two.

That's true.

Yeah.

And now East Austin has sidewalks.

We never had those before, so that's nice.

And the police come out now if you call them.

Never had that before either.

Yep.

That's a thing.

Sidewalks and police officers.

It's amazing what's going on in here.

I liked your material, Sonny.

Very fun times.

You are getting a big joke.

But congratulations, Sonny Castillo.

How fun.

We're getting through it.

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Come into your local store today.

We have another very special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a truly inaction-packed episode.

This is a Hall of Famer going up right in the middle of the goddamn show.

One of the most famous regulars in the history of the show, famous for his roasting and stand-up ability, ladies and gentlemen, a rare mothership appearance by the great and powerful David Lucas, everyone.

Oh

my God.

Yeah.

A plane in India just recently crashed head into England and 176 Indians died.

And since that plane crash,

scam calls have been down 50%.

Apple has no more tech support.

It's crazy.

You're going to call Apple and talk to a nigga that sound like me.

Can you help me with my phone?

Have you turned that motherfucker off yet, bitch?

Turn it off and turn it back.

I can only imagine what that plane smelled like.

God damn, bro.

If I would have been driving that plane, I probably would have crashed it too.

Oh, no.

When it crashed, it probably smelled like somebody was barbecuing a goat.

They're like, who is barbecuing in Otelos?

It's so weird how women with purple and blue hair want us to give a fuck about the Middle East.

You know what I'm saying?

nobody really gives a fuck about the Middle East because if you did, you'd take your ass over there.

If they want me to give a fuck about the Middle East, you're going to have to give the Middle East an NFL team.

That's the only way.

Yo.

I'd love to watch the Palestine Packers.

You know what I'm saying?

All right, that's about tired David Lucas.

Thank you.

David lights out Lucas.

Look at Tony.

My man.

How ass nigga?

Oh wait, what that?

You're just going to start like that, you fat motherfucker?

We're just going with the...

If Tony was a gamer, he'd play Call of Booty.

Oh

my God.

Oh

my God.

Yo, ass zipped up, nigga?

That motherfucker.

I love this look.

I love it.

You have your own fucking equator around you.

It's incredible.

Look like you're ready to take a yacht trip to a McDonald's.

Why you so zipped up, nigga?

That HIV medicine kicking your ass, honey?

Betky, KFC medicine's kicking yours.

You are bigger than ever.

You gayer than ever, nigga.

And your face look like a baboon's ass.

That motherfucker, you look like you just got slapped in the face with a cherry pie, nigga.

I

won't do the baboon comeback joke that I want to do right now.

I'm going to reserve that and hold that back because I like working.

Is that a vest?

What is that, bro?

It's just all.

Yeah, it's a vest.

What the fuck is that?

What sweatshirt?

Just because you.

You dress like a gay sniper, nigga.

Your ass.

Put the scope in my ass.

I love this new look, though.

You look like you're going to get on an unsinkable ship of some kind.

It is incredible.

Are you wearing that because you eat a yacht?

Get out of here, Deep Madness.

Yeah, Deep Madness.

Deep Madness making a big deal.

T-Moo Stevie wanted to look at ass.

Superstition

Oh my god don't don't don't don't don't

That blind ass nigga out of here laughing at that shit He never seen me or you

He don't even know what gay look like, nigga, laughing.

He don't know what fat look like.

He can only imagine it.

I probably look like a fucking rainbow cloud in that nigga head.

I cannot believe you called him Timu Stevie Wonder.

That is a four-year elephant in the room that we've been avoiding.

I don't think he's ever going to be the same after that.

This might be the first time that he doesn't come back from peeing.

Oh my God.

Hell yeah.

Back to you, Stevie Wonder Bread, over here.

Have you been, it seems like you're losing weight, isn't it?

Yes, sir.

I've been working out.

I got to press on a trainer now.

You do?

Yeah.

What type of workouts does he have you doing exactly?

A lot of ash strains.

Creditably eating hot.

what what are you doing uh you do penny shoots out the ass

let me get 45 penny shoots

what type what type of workouts are you doing to lose the weight a whole bunch of bullshit man i hate it bro

every time he'd be like we got two both sides i'd be like nigga i'm about to eat

I hate working out, dog.

I don't want to take the glutide shit.

Yeah.

But I'm working out.

Yeah.

That's good.

It's just eating less that's pretty much it this is all good greg it's been a while since you've seen david lucas uh

you look great man what's up

yeah you don't you look like you just got bit by a vampire

yeah he got two holes on the side of his neck i got two what holes on the side of your neck you need a blood transfusion that's what i'm saying

a lot of age jokes going around tonight you look symptomatic yeah yeah yeah yeah anything i say you got it yeah Yeah.

Heartburn, chest pains?

I don't know.

Whatever it is, I take a little and drop some weight.

Yeah.

Take it.

Just a hint of AIDS.

A couple drops of AIDS.

We've got AIDS.

David has cool AIDS.

I don't even got one for Tony.

I don't know what the fuck is.

What's that thing?

What happens if you pull that yellow button?

Do you just

fill with more air?

If I pull it off, it'll go in the air, nigga.

It's off-white.

It's a belt.

Your boyfriend.

Oh, my goodness.

Couldn't get my joke out because Red Band wants to play these Looney Tune-ass sounds.

Wait, no, pull it again.

I heard something.

That was.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

David, what else is going on?

You want to plug something up?

Man, I'm on tour like a motherfucker.

I'm everywhere, bro.

Tickets at DavidLucasComedy.com, bro.

Next year, I'm doing Red Lobsters all around the country.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nigga, you performing at HIV clinics.

Get your motherfucking

all the rainbow houses across the world.

You know what's crazy?

In the city.

So when me and my family moved to Macon, Georgia, bro, there was this thing for gay niggas called the Rainbow House.

And they would house gay niggas with HIV, bro.

And do you know one time somebody, a crackhead, broke into that place to try to do something?

You know the word.

I don't want to demonetize y'all.

R

rhymes with rake oh okay so a crackhead went in there trying to rake an hiv person and they but he didn't know it was an hiv house oh

yeah

that's real that's real talk it's called a rainbow house it closed out after that wow did the guy get aids i don't know but he sued the city that's crazy

Isn't that interesting?

Yeah, it's so weird for criminals, bro.

You can sue for anything, bro.

Like, you can probably sue because you turned out gay, nigga.

You know what I'm saying?

You can sue the city of

your little smoke alarm trying to change the batteries over there.

That's his vape pen making that noise, everybody.

The batteries, vape pen.

You want me to tell you something about smoke alarms, bro?

So, uh.

Are you looking at your no, what are you looking at your blood pressure right now?

What's going on?

So, no, bro, I got a new place in Austin, bro, and uh, brand new.

And uh, I was in there one week.

I was in there one week, and I went to buy smoke detectors at the Home Depot.

And the next day, my smoke detectors were beeping.

I think they sell niggas beeping smoke detectors.

It was brand new, and it was already beeping.

I didn't need to change no batteries.

It's racist.

I don't know a nigga without a beeping smoke detector.

It's crazy.

Are you sure you didn't just have something that you left in the microwave without opening the door and that wasn't trying to alert you?

Because you are guilty of a great many.

all right, David.

You're the man.

Catch him on tour, David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen.

Onward and upward.

We go.

Yes, the man.

One more time for David Lucas, everybody.

The legend.

All right, this is it.

Bucket pool number seven.

This looks like a fun name, too.

Make some noise for Deepak Panny.

Deepak Panny.

Come on, make some noise for Deepak, everybody.

Okay, let's do this.

Is it just me?

Or you guys also feel like Hollywood makes slavery movies once every year?

Just to whip a rich black dude for 15 minutes?

Nope, just me.

Okay.

I mean, I know it's acting, but come on, 15 minutes.

Like, please stop that.

We all get it.

Whips to the back are painful.

And I found out whips to the back are painful in my fifth grade, actually.

Relax, nothing happened to me.

Wouldn't it be funny if I just came up here and went, my dad beat the shit out of me, and I can't watch slavery movies anymore?

Nope.

I watched Passion of the Christ.

And we've all seen some kind of

renightment or a play where Jesus is getting beat up.

I don't know why, though.

Apparently, it's not enough to say that Jesus suffered and died for our sins.

We have to actually see the, you know, precious life.

All right, Deepak Panny.

Let me start off with this question.

What?

Yes, booze from the crowd.

Very good.

As of though you actually had to make that noise for us to know that it wasn't good.

Your lack of laughter told the entire story.

Deepak, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Two months.

Two months.

And where are you from, Deepak?

India.

India.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

So you're really born and raised in India.

Great Fitzsimmons.

Let's check in here.

Well, I think this is a direct result of you guys getting rid of the drivers in your Ubers.

We're going to see a lot more of this.

That is true.

They're going to need stuff to do.

They're going to start chasing their dreams instead of picking us up.

Deepak, how long have you been in America?

By the sound of your accent, I'm guessing 25 minutes?

One and a half year, actually.

What?

One and a half year.

One and a half year.

Adorable.

And you came straight here to Austin, Texas?

Nope.

I study masters in Cleveland State.

You what?

I study masters in Cleveland State.

You got your master's degree at Cleveland State?

No, I'm still doing it.

You're still studying.

What are you trying to major in?

Hopefully English?

You can guess it, actually.

Computer science.

Computer science.

Wow, Deepak.

Don't you guys just automatically come with a master's degree in that?

Aren't you teaching that class at Cleveland State?

Okay, so what do you plan to do once you get get a computer science degree from Cleveland State?

How about a hand for D-Madness coming in?

He's back!

What do you plan to do with your computer science degree?

No idea.

No idea.

And

how is Cleveland for you?

What made you pick Cleveland, Ohio of all places?

Dilapidated city.

Couldn't get anywhere else.

Okay.

Were you not a great student?

Nope.

And why were you not a great student?

Very rare for an Indian boy like you to not be a great student.

So I was kind of good till my high school and then fell off.

You think you have like a learning disability?

Perhaps you have ADHD?

What'd you say?

I mean, ADHD?

You know what I mean?

When you call like

Verizon wireless tech support, how long does it take until you both break into Indian?

I actually talked to a scammer once.

He was Pakistani, my neighbor.

So we just chatted about how did you get into this?

So it was nice.

He could speak Hindi.

So how long, again, how long have you been in America?

One and a half years.

One and a half years.

And what are some things that you find shocking?

Like, what is super different here than India?

Toilet paper.

Toilet paper, yes.

That's a big one.

That's a big one.

How, what exactly?

Explain to us when you're sitting on a toilet and you've gone number two,

what exactly do you do with the toilet paper?

How many pieces do you think you use?

I just bought a handheld bidet from Amazon and just

think you lost him when you said when you sit on a toilet

not hover over like a drone

So you have a handheld bidet?

Yeah, my ass got chapped in a month or so your ex got chappy my ass got chapped with the toilet paper so right it got chapped

don't do it so you have a handheld bidet that is hooked up to your toilet directly yeah it just takes some uh plumbing takes some plumbing.

Yep, no doubt about it.

And so you kind of like, do you kind of like do you go like, do you go from the back side with that?

Or do you go in between and up missionary position?

Or do you go doggy style?

Or do you...

It's hard to ask questions.

It's hard to find new questions in 12 years of this show, but somehow, goddammit, we managed to do it.

Explain to us the exact hand position of this hand position.

I think think everyone goes front,

can't do it like this.

And do you look at the toilet afterwards and see some shrapnel?

A little disaster area, perhaps?

Butter chicken.

I just do.

Butter chicken's not that popular in India, actually.

It's kind of sweet for us.

But

I just do one flush.

So everything's there when I see it.

Okay.

Deepak, what's your love life like?

You have a girlfriend?

Nope.

Nope.

Have you been on any dates since you've been to America?

Nope.

Not a single date?

Nope.

Have you kissed an American girl?

Nope.

Do you want to?

Nope.

No, you don't want to.

Very interesting.

Are you into specifically only Indian women?

Nope.

This might kind of sound gay, but I can't do one night stands actually.

What about one night stands?

Can't do it.

You can't do it.

You want to fall in love with somebody?

No, not that.

I just want to know the person before I show them my dick.

Wow.

Okay.

And where do you think you get this from?

Is this something your parents taught you or religious or something?

No, but I just kind of figured it out.

Have you been with a woman before?

Are you a virgin?

No, been with many.

You've been with many?

Is that what you said?

Yeah.

okay

is that a big deal?

What is that a big deal?

Is that a big deal?

Sorry, go on

I mean you've been with many women is that is is that expensive does that add up

for them

I love it, Deepak.

What's an interesting fun fact about you that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on this show before?

I started doing comedy because I think comedy is dying right now.

You think it's dying right now?

Okay, that's a very interesting take.

There are no more Doug Stanhopes, Bill Hicks, Carlins.

Nope.

There's just a bunch of people I see in the open mics trying to be cool.

Retard this, retard that.

You're gay.

I'm autistic.

Okay.

So you know.

I guess Deepak.

The real ones here.

What?

I don't really get it, Deepak.

I'm gonna get you out of here, Deepak.

Have you thought about taking a plane from London back to India?

Here's a little, here's a little joke book.

Oh, geez.

There he goes.

Deepak

panny, everybody.

Just a little warning.

There may be a suicide bombing outside after tonight's show.

Just a little something to keep an eye out for.

How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Alright.

Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

John Fechdel.

John Bechdel.

Austin, Texas, how's it going?

Give it up for the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Kameni, y'all.

How many of y'all are on dates here tonight because like war was declared for a second?

That, oh, look, I'm scared to go to war, pussy, you know?

Like, how many here?

Men are dogs, am I right?

Men are like dogs.

White women fuck them occasionally.

They took down the

they took down the billboard outside my place of the kid who OD'd on fentanyl.

I guess he got better.

Like, give it up for that guy.

Give it up for the sleepy time tea bear.

That motherfucker's been sleeping on the job for 40 fucking years.

Has anyone checked him?

It might be, like, the dead the entire time tea bear.

Like, motherfucker OD'd on hibiscus.

Yeah, so yeah, I'm really glad we didn't go to the war because like if a new kid outside San Diego, I don't think Mountain Dew would like last after the Baja blast of 2025.

Yo, those ninja turtles, they're always saying cowabunga.

Those motherfuckers should be asking howabunga.

Like, I work in like food service.

I have to deliver pizzas in the street.

Hell yeah.

John Bechtel, welcome to the show.

Wow.

My goodness gracious.

Nice meal.

I love your energy, John.

I appreciate it.

Tony, thank you very much.

Incredible.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

A year and change.

Okay.

But like, I used to like host things like growing up and whatnot.

Okay.

An open mic in Chernobyl, perhaps, or something like that.

Greg Fitzsimmons.

Well, a year and change.

I would emphasize the change part a little bit.

Yeah, I've been doing stand-up for like a year or so.

I like used to host like a drunk history thing.

that was like my friends.

It was just kind of like a group effort.

Me and these like brassy like lesbians just watching WWE.

Oh, it was a blast.

I love it.

Did that show take place inside of a large microwave perhaps?

Alley, Alleyways.

You are an interesting guy.

What's your ethnicity?

What are you?

Very white.

Yeah.

Yeah, no,

like German-Irish.

Okay, German-Irish, and you drink a lot.

Oh,

well, for German-Irish, you know.

I try to make a good effort.

yeah no uh i've been living in texas for 25 years now um i love it like okay

where were you at before that east coast baltimore okay all right and what do you do for work exactly uh i i'm a fucking waiter and it sucks right okay i've been doing that for 16 years okay yeah that's good is it is it like uh you make good money doing it uh i try to uh you know it's is it a pizza restaurant

tony a genuine tony i've moved on okay i've saw i you know i've retired from the pizza what kind of restaurant is it used to be a pizza restaurant right yeah

okay no i got fired from a couple of those what did you get fired for let's talk about that let's talk about the firings of john bechdel you can't ask your old dipshit boss he used to sit in the office text all the girls in the kitchen like videos of him riding his fucking bmx bike being like you like knock on the door he's like yo what the fuck do you even do at this job yeah you can't show up late after doing that.

I have no idea.

Somehow, I understood Deepak Pari better than once saw a guy chop his hand off.

It was crazy.

You saw a guy chop his hand off?

Yeah, there was these like Nacogdoches twins.

They're from like East Texas, you know, just whatever goes on in those woods.

Yeah, like, who knows?

Uh-huh.

So, this guy, this dip shit, sells me a broken PS3.

The saran wrap melts.

He takes this knife and we're all just looking at this guy and it's like this motherfucker.

He walks over to the saran wrap,

cuts it open.

It's like, it's perfect.

It works.

For some reason, he swings again, chops off his hand.

I never got money back for that PS3.

How's it going, Austin, Texas?

Give up for yourselves, y'all.

John, have you ever been arrested before?

Oh, actually, I have.

Once.

Okay.

Once.

What was that for?

On Febby.

Oh, wait, was it?

It was April 18th.

The night of April 18th, 2013.

Look it up, y'all.

You're not going to tell us?

It's the night the Boston bombers got caught.

So I'm watching that shit.

In the drunk tank, everyone's hooting, hollering, and all these fucking cops keep on walking up up to me and you're like, you're the motherfucker who works at that goddamn sandwich restaurant.

I worked in sandwiches before pizzas, Tony.

John, you are something else.

What are you on exactly?

For legal reasons,

I'm sober for two years eventually.

Yeah, but seriously, what are we on?

Adderall and whiskey?

Or like, what is the exact combination?

I smoke a lot of

now legal substances.

Oh, you brought out a little.

You got a little gun there all of a sudden.

It's Texas, Tony.

Welcome to Texas.

All right, thank you.

I've been here five years, but yes, thank you for the big welcome.

It's nice.

Hey, welcome.

What are you on?

That's the question.

Oh, I smoke a Halloween.

You smoke a Halloween, but where do you get this energy from?

Okay, I can't get diagnosed.

For, you know, Asperger's or autism.

They're just like, you're annoying.

Okay.

So, you know.

I would get another opinion on that.

I rely on my friends with hourless.

You know what?

It's a very, very rare happening.

Only once every few months does Matt Muelling, our electric guitarist, speak up.

He has asked permission to speak, and he will speak now.

This is Matt Muelling.

John Dees also smokes a hell of a weed.

Yeah, but his weed is white.

His weed is green.

John, here you go, buddy.

Here's a little joke book coming at you.

John Bechtel, ladies and gentlemen.

Good night, y'all.

He's now done.

There goes John Bechtel.

We've had some wild bucket pulls here tonight.

All right, here's another one.

This is a very interesting name yet again.

And the name is I Am Frank.

Make some noise for I Am Frank.

Okay.

Hello, Kill Tony Universe.

It's great to be back.

You know,

they told me that my comedy would take a huge step forward if I told jokes that my audience here in Austin found more relatable.

Oh.

So I no longer trust black people.

Why are their pants so low?

No, relax, folks.

It's only jokes.

It's only jokes.

And that joke is funny,

D-Madness,

because I too am a black man.

Didn't want to leave him in the dark on that one.

No, no, no.

Okay.

I don't think everyone here in Austin is racist, but it's hard not to feel that way when you've seen the things I've seen.

Someone called me the N-word in traffic.

Yeah.

I cut him off, but

it was he got unusually perturbed, started yelling slurs,

swide-swiped me.

He even threw banana peels at my car.

That's when I said, I will never play Mario Kart online in this city again.

No.

Yes, I have.

Okay, did it go better last time?

It went exactly how it was supposed to go.

Okay.

What does that mean exactly?

It went exactly how it was supposed to go.

That's what it meant.

Someone just pointed out that his zipper is down, and that is very sad.

This is really, we've really taken a turn here.

It's very, very interesting what's happening tonight.

Some very rugged bucket pools.

I don't know if they're underprepared or maybe the nerves are getting to them.

How do you feel, Frank, right now?

How do you feel?

You're looking out there into the crowd.

You're staring at them deep in their souls.

Bro, we're here.

We're here to kill Tony.

You are correct.

What's up with the wrap around your arm there?

Did something happen?

Yes.

What happened?

It's very tragic.

What?

I donated.

I donated plasma today.

Okay, you do that to make money.

From time to time, yeah, I do it.

How much money did you get from your plasma today?

I'm not sure.

You didn't even pay attention to the amount of money that you got paid strategically for donating plasma, which is what you did to get money today?

You know, it's not about the money for me, Tony.

I'm in it for the love of the game.

All right.

Frank, you got a little joke book last time?

We're just going to keep it moving, Frank.

How about a hand for Frank, everybody?

I am Frank.

I'm gonna fix this.

I'm gonna fix the momentum in the room right now by doing something absolutely insane.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage a man

who

is

eventually going to be a citizen of the United States of America.

A man

who remains at this moment

the Estonian assassin.

This is a brand new set from the one and only Ari Matty

Yo yo

You know how they're like

diversifying all the movie franchises now

They're making like a gay James Bond

He's gotta suck so much dick,

to get those passwords.

They're doing taken, you know, taken with Liam Neeson.

They're doing one with a black dad.

The phone just keeps ringing.

Sorry, baby.

Had to make a stop.

Feminists are upset.

They're trying to cancel the new Catwoman movie that's coming out because the new Catwoman is Zoe Kravitz.

A banging bitch.

And the feminists are saying, why does Catwoman always have to be some supermodel?

Why couldn't Catwoman be like a plus size model?

she needs to climb

you ever see a fat cat

bitch you can't be catwoman you can be garfield

thank you so much

There is levels to this, ladies and gentlemen.

And there he is, the arrival.

Look at that shirt.

You're so patriotic.

God damn right.

That's right.

That's a happy 4th of July, you know what I'm saying?

Absolutely.

So excited.

It was my first Independence Day.

Tell us, tell us how you, what did you do?

How did you enjoy it?

Well, it was just fun being in a country where I can celebrate victory for once.

In Estonia we don't have any of that fucking woohoo!

We did it!

Every one of our holidays is like on this day.

50,000 men, women and children

taken against their will.

We got fucked!

Estonia gets historically kind of bullied by the bigger countries around it, huh?

Well, yeah, we're tiny.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's hard.

We'll do whatever everyone else is doing, you know?

Did you guys ever win like a big battle?

Nothing like it?

Nothing really?

Well, uh...

When the Soviet Union collapsed, we kind of, we did a thing where we just sang.

Ah, perfect.

Okay.

Guess that counts.

Yeah.

And you guys do that?

Is that like a holiday there?

It's like a singing day?

Yeah, we sing all the time.

We get together.

We sing these horrible songs.

You know.

None of them are banger.

John Dees wants you to.

Is there like a famous one?

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't want to sing a little Estonian fucking.

You don't actually don't know any of the lyrics.

That's the issue.

I've literally just mumbled along my whole fucking life.

All right.

Greg Fitzsimmons.

Do you, whenever you, first of all, it's always great to see you.

You're fucking great.

You're fucking great.

But what, uh, is there ever going to be like a homecoming?

Like, is there an arena to play in East Tony?

Is there like a big venue you want to go home someday and play?

Yeah, I've done it.

Oh, you have?

Yeah.

Oh.

It's an arena?

Not American standards.

You know, it's

80s eater.

You know, it's a fucking

biggest venues we got, you know.

Nice.

Very packed it out.

Yeah.

81, baby.

Yeah.

What do you like to do when you go home?

I, well, I've sauna, you know, dick out sauna, dick out sauna.

I go to the bog.

You know, you ever been to a bog?

No.

What's a bog?

Bog.

A bog.

A bog.

What's a bog?

You know what a bog is.

I have no idea.

Nobody knows what a bog is.

It's like a...

Yeah, see?

Oh, and a bog.

Who knows?

A bog, yeah.

Okay.

Springs.

It's like, yes, no, not not springs, springs, but

it's a dirty little spring.

It's a dirty spring.

Okay.

Yeah.

But it's quiet, you know.

Yeah.

Not a lot of ethnic people.

It's serene.

Nobody talks too loud.

Everyone wears headphones.

It's like Shrek, like Swamp.

Yeah, Shrek.

That was a big movie for us.

It was.

Shrek is about an imperialistic government taking a man's swamp.

It's our Schindler's list.

Well, we got that swamp back, you know what I'm saying?

The jokes were just unbelievable tonight.

I mean, thanks.

Probably the best set of the night.

I mean, absolutely incredible.

All of it's so funny.

A movie-themed

set because shit is crazy out there.

They are really making some movies.

Yeah, make your own shit, bitch.

Yeah, they're doing some wacky stuff.

I watched

Gladiator 2, and Denzel Washington's just in it.

He's just in it throughout, and it just is impossible to not every time just go like, what's going on?

What are we doing here?

Just a regular old Roman black guy.

As we know.

Yeah, no one's acting weird.

Everyone's like, yeah, sure, tell us what to do.

He's giving orders to other Romans and stuff.

It's like, just so it's pretty wild.

Like, we always suspend belief in movies, right?

But, like, really stands out when they try to do these serious things.

Yeah.

They're really doing a black, uh, black takin.

I hope so.

It's called Took.

It's a movie about somebody's wallet.

I have a very

set of skills to stay the fuck away from my family.

Very fun.

Well, Ari, I mean, you absolutely fucking destroyed.

You did it again, Ari and Maddie, ladies and gentlemen.

We're going into overtime here.

Let's get one more bucket full up here.

Make some noise for Kelly Lusk, everyone.

Kelly Lusk.

Our 10th bucket full.

Hello, everyone.

So, um, I have this gay friend, and he's gotten into some pretty wild butt stuff lately.

So, now, whenever he farts, it just goes...

Tony has the same thing.

You know what I'm talking about, right, Tony?

Yeah, he's probably over there hawking right now.

Yeah.

My friend's name is David, but I call him Anal Cave Dave.

I think that's appropriate.

And then then he recently told me that he started getting into feet.

He likes sucking on toes.

And I was like, oh man, if somebody was like sucking on my toe, the only thing I could think about is when I go get a pedicure, the fucking cheese grater they bring out to grate the parmesan off of my feet.

It's like at Olive Garden, people.

Tell me when.

Okay, I'm done.

Fucking disgusting.

I know.

Kelly Lusk.

Right back to that bucket.

We have a demented bucket here tonight.

I don't know if anybody's paying attention to it.

We have been saved by a lot of golden ticket winners and regulars.

Sir Winston Pickles was the highlight of the bucket.

How was that?

I was curious.

You know Sir Winston Pickles?

I saw him, and I was like very curious how that went.

Yeah, oh, it's great.

We love Sir Winston Pickles.

Fantastic.

I can't wait to watch.

Yep, yep.

You're going to see it.

You might want to skip your part.

Kelly, last time you were on, you brought an adorable picture of you and your sister.

That's right.

Her sister looked like a cute, normal little girl, and Kelly looked like her.

She's a Samoan boy.

Like her.

Is your sister Rosie O'Donnell?

So many comments about the Rosie O'Donnell.

A lot of comments about that, yeah.

Kelly, tell us something we didn't learn about you last time you were on.

Let's see.

Something really weird about me is I have this thing called mesophonia where like weird like noises make me go into a rage.

It's normally like mouth noises, you know, like smacking.

Exactly.

That.

All right, right, bam.

It makes you go from like zero to like, I will fucking murder you if you don't stop.

Like, like that.

And have you, uh,

what's the angriest that you've gotten in public or something?

Like, okay, so I was working with this girl one time, and she was like popping her gum, and she just over and over and over again.

And like, she didn't know I had this issue, or whatever.

And she just kept doing it.

And I just turned around.

I was like, if you don't fucking stop popping your gum, I'm going to smack you in the face.

I just totally went off on her.

Wow.

Yeah.

Absolutely incredible.

Madness is a master of mouth noises.

Oh.

Do you got anything for us?

What do you got?

Any fun mouth noises?

There you go.

Nice.

All right, Kelly, we're going to keep it moving.

There goes Kelly Lusk, your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

There she goes.

Thank you, Kelly.

And now, I mean, what an episode.

What kind of episode has Jack Shaw, Fiona Cauley, David Lucas, Ari Matty,

Sir Winston Pickles?

Who could forget some of the low lights tonight?

Offender, Sonny Castillo, John Bechtel.

I am Frank was very sad.

There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the all-time record holder for appearances, interviews, sets, everything.

The man has done it all.

God's favorite comedian, a man that they call the Memphis Strangler, the the vanilla gorilla, brought to you by Nick and OpenPhone, the Nicked nuisance, the Open Phone Opus.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

If an alien spaceship crashed right in front of me, me, I'd probably assume I was about to encounter a female alien.

I found out recently Michael Jackson had my favorite amusement ride, The Zipper, at his Neverland Ranch.

You know how awesome it would have been to go there as a kid?

Ever been in a situation where you wanted to smoke weed, but it wasn't 4.20?

It's like 10.45 a.m.

Well, here's a quick stoner hack.

Go to your oven set to 420 degrees.

Doesn't matter if you don't have anything to cook.

And then when you're done smoking, you're like, I want to keep smoking.

No problem.

Keep your oven at 4.20.

Saddest thing was standing in line at Dollar General and out of nowhere turned gay.

Okay, I turned gay, Tony, at the Dollar General.

But why?

Why would you do that?

As at the Dollar General, isn't that what happens?

People just turn gay?

I thought people just turned gay.

But why?

Why would they?

Born that way?

Why would they?

I think people just turn gay.

Why would they turn gay at Dollar General?

Because I'm at the Dollar General standing in line.

I'm thinking, I don't know, but that's just where I turn gay.

So with the story in my head, that was what it was.

I just turned gay.

What were you getting at the Dollar General?

What do you like to shop for at Dollar General?

Hawaiian Punch.

Ooh, yeah.

What else?

What else do you like to get at Dollar General?

Huh?

Marshmallows.

Ooh, okay.

Yeah, I love marshmallows, Hawaiian punch.

Okay, what else do you get at Dollar Jelly?

Cream spinach is always good there in the cans.

Oh, all right.

Milk, 2% milk.

Okay.

Maybe a toy or something.

I don't know, Tony.

But yeah.

What kind of toys?

What kind of toys have you bought at Dollar Jelly?

Oh, man.

You get the little Legos.

This guy doesn't want to hear about any of it, Tony.

He doesn't give a shit.

It is such an odd time to use the restroom.

Is that your husband, sir?

Oh, you wish.

Wow.

Doing a little crowd work over here.

This guy's on fire tonight.

I'm sorry.

I'm on one tonight.

I have, again, my clodged carotid arteries, so I'm trying to live life to the fullest.

I have 10 years.

The doctors gave him 10 years to live.

Yep.

So just trying to live life to the fullest and having a good time.

And it was raining.

raining It was so weird I actually was at one of those camps.

Oh No

No, there's a hundred I was helping look for people.

There's a hundred people dead William I was helping looking for people.

Did you see the article today about the the Navy diver up in the helicopter?

I was with that guy.

What were you doing exactly with him?

I was lowering the rope down.

It was on this pulley system and I had to lower the rope down really fast.

And this is their video

and I do it back up.

Oh my God.

You're in charge of that?

Yes.

How many people?

They knew I was doing all the rowing and they're like, okay, this guy's going to be strong enough.

And yeah, I helped save 100 people this weekend.

Wow.

Amazing.

I'm surprised nobody clapped for that.

That's incredible.

Yeah, a little fucked up.

A little fucked up.

So, what types of people did you save?

What did they look like?

Oh my gosh.

It was, well, this was a bunch of whites.

I was thinking maybe

Hispanic people or something, but it was mainly white people at these camps.

Very interesting.

Why do you think that is?

Why do you think there's so many white people at camps?

I don't know.

Honkies be crazy, man.

I mean, honkies, I don't know.

I was always, I would always be scared of getting homesick.

So I never, I only went to day camps growing up.

Ooh,

day camp.

What did you like to do at day camp?

Fuck.

I used to love making pottery at day camp.

I used to love going in the lake.

all kinds of stuff.

It was really fun.

I'm trying to think of more stuff.

Yeah, take it nice and slow.

Think of some stuff that you love to do at camp.

Name something.

Red band, help me.

No, no, Red Band.

No, Red Band can't help you.

This

can't be part of the thing.

You got to just think of things on your own.

What would you do at the camp?

Why don't you name some more things you get at Dollar General then?

Some motherfucking.

freezing up maybe a motherfucking slinky

yeah yeah yeah maybe

uh

it's kind of fun it's kind of kind of fun to do you

maybe a motherfucking candy ball

oh i like this oh okay

um

maybe

uh

basketball

they got basketballs for a dollar yes at dollar general are they like tiny about

okay?

What else?

Maybe a motherfucking live-action Snow White dog.

No, not that, dumbass.

God, you know how to really fucking butcher a fun thing Tony and I are doing together, dumbass.

Yeah,

fucking idiot.

Maybe a motherfucking marble.

Yeah.

A single Marble.

No.

Yeah.

Maybe an apple.

These people are not energy.

I'm sweating and

you are.

Your carotid arteries acting up.

I know.

My neck is constantly hurting now, Tony.

It feels like my neck, it feels like I can feel the plaque in my neck.

Wait a minute.

It's fun to be here, Tony.

What else do you get at Dollar General, William?

Shit, Tony.

I mean, I've been getting a bunch of puzzles!

He loves puzzles.

I know.

I'm still stuck on one, Tony.

It's been a month.

What's the puzzle that you're stuck on right now?

It has all these women's hands with different colored fingernail polish.

Whoa.

They're like grabbing stuff on a table, and it's like a couple lobsters, it's different seafood items, but the hands are hard as fuck.

And the table's a white table.

So it's just a really hard puzzle.

So I'm about to call it quits.

And I bought two more, so I have two more ready in the chamber, but I'm about to call it quits on this one.

You got puzzles in the chamber.

I got two of them in the chamber, Tony.

Oh, wow.

You got puzzles in the chamber.

Oh, my goodness.

What are the other puzzles that you have in the chamber, William?

Oh, well, I'm really looking forward to the one.

It's like somebody just opened a refrigerator.

So it's a bunch of different foods in the refrigerator.

What types of foods are in the refrigerator?

Fuck, we're talking watermelon.

I don't know, sandwiches, all different kinds of stuff.

William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

The red goat is thriving.

Business is booming.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E-belt is in.

Make some goddamn noise for the great Greg Fitzsimmons.

He's going to La Jolla, Pottsdown, PA, Point Pleasant, New Jersey.

FitzDog.com, F-I-T-Z-D-O-G.com.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight live in-house.

Ooh, all right, Maddie.

Look at that.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Thank you to Nicked, Nicotine, Pouches, and Open Phone.

This was so much.

Did you guys have fun tonight?

So did we, Red Band.

Check out the Sunset Strip, SunsetStripATX.com.

Love you guys.

We love you guys.

Thank you so much.

Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.