#728 - GREG FITZSIMMONS

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Speaker 31 You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Speaker 8 Every single week, I book one or two of the funniest people in the world.

Speaker 36 This is a one-guest episode because he's literally one of the best in the history of the show.

Speaker 36 For those of you that have been watching for the last 12 years, you will probably note that this guy is one of the record holders for all time appearances as a guest on the show.

Speaker 36 I grew up on this guy, listening to him on Howard Stern. When I started at the comedy store 18 years ago, I realized, wow, without a doubt, one of the best stand-up comedians on planet Earth.

Speaker 46 12 years ago when we started the show, he began as a guest.

Speaker 48 He's back tonight.

Speaker 49 Ladies and gentlemen, let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody.

Speaker 52 One of the best.

Speaker 49 One of the best to ever do it.

Speaker 21 The great and powerful FitzDog.com for tickets.

Speaker 36 Oh, Joya, Pottsdown, PA Point, Pleasant, New Jersey.

Speaker 54 He is on tour.

Speaker 27 One of the best ever.

Speaker 55 Greg Fitzsimmons. Hi, Greg.

Speaker 57 God, thank you, Tony.

Speaker 6 Time to be here. Red Band, nice to see you.
The band.

Speaker 6 Let's fucking launch some dreams.

Speaker 58 Let's go.

Speaker 6 Or light up the suicide hotline.

Speaker 3 That's what we love.

Speaker 33 We love that energy. Anything can happen.

Speaker 20 Sometimes we crush dreams.

Speaker 59 Sometimes we amplify them.

Speaker 60 Absolutely anything can happen.

Speaker 61 201 human beings signed up for tonight's show.

Speaker 55 A little bit of a light sign up, which I find interesting.

Speaker 63 People may have gone home for the 4th of July or whatever, and now they're settling back in.

Speaker 66 But if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 19 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 67 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them.

Speaker 70 And then I conduct an interview and I'm here with truly one of my favorite people to sit on this show with, Greg Fitzsimmons.

Speaker 63 And also Red Ban is here.

Speaker 55 And that is it.

Speaker 15 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 9 We're gonna start it with a golden ticket winner to get us started, everybody, and then we will get to the great bucket of destiny.

Speaker 39 But this guy won a golden ticket a couple years ago, very, very Jewie.

Speaker 78 You know him, you love him.

Speaker 49 High energy. This is Jack Shaw, everybody.

Speaker 79 A new minute from Jack Shaw.

Speaker 44 My dad's been really struggling with with trans pronouns,

Speaker 44 but he finally got it right, dude. He said, I hate them.

Speaker 5 I was like, fuck yeah, dad, good job.

Speaker 44 I like trans people, dude. I get it.
I want a new dick, too, man.

Speaker 81 I hate my dick, dude.

Speaker 44 I went to a drag show for the first time. Oh my god, it was amazing, dude.
I saw a lady put her foot in her butthole.

Speaker 44 I didn't even know that was an option.

Speaker 83 You can do that.

Speaker 65 That's real.

Speaker 44 I came up with a great name for a Jewish drag queen. Would you like to hear it?

Speaker 65 Ausch Tits.

Speaker 44 Thank you guys so much.

Speaker 84 Jack Shaw.

Speaker 85 Very fun, Jack.

Speaker 60 Always fun to hear a new minute from you.

Speaker 70 Is that true?

Speaker 31 You talk with your dad about trans people?

Speaker 87 Oh, he can't stand them.

Speaker 89 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 31 I find it all so interesting.

Speaker 91 He's still in Los Angeles, correct?

Speaker 18 That's right.

Speaker 32 So he's surrounded by them.

Speaker 2 Everywhere.

Speaker 33 And how does this come up?

Speaker 56 Does he see them and brings it up to you?

Speaker 44 He goes to Silverlake. He goes to Starbucks and Silverlake.
Ah.

Speaker 92 And he calls me and he says, I hate it here.

Speaker 82 Yeah.

Speaker 44 It makes him so upset. It makes him really angry.

Speaker 75 Yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 70 Greg Fitzsimmons.

Speaker 6 Do they order the half-calf when they're at Stilverlake?

Speaker 52 Ah.

Speaker 93 Why do you think your dad goes to the Starbucks in Silverlake?

Speaker 40 He likes just regular old Starbucks of all the coffee shops around there.

Speaker 44 He stands by Starbucks.

Speaker 53 Yeah, he loves it.

Speaker 28 Very interesting. So interesting.

Speaker 94 What does he get from you?

Speaker 75 Just Just a normal, normal burnt-ass, regular, fucking nasty coffee.

Speaker 44 He gets an ice shake and espresso because my dad's a little girl.

Speaker 97 It's a pretty good drink, actually.

Speaker 27 It's so good.

Speaker 44 It's okay. You're a gay guy.

Speaker 27 Oh, my God.

Speaker 98 Jack, how dare you?

Speaker 3 God damn it.

Speaker 14 You're about to start a whole new Holocaust.

Speaker 12 You keep that up.

Speaker 99 Now, do you really hate your dick?

Speaker 55 You said you hate your dick at one point during this set.

Speaker 44 I don't really hate my dick. It's fine.

Speaker 40 It's a fine dick.

Speaker 31 Is it a fine dick? Now, describe what you mean by fine exactly.

Speaker 100 Describe your dick for the millions of people watching. Right.

Speaker 44 So, have you guys seen a dick before?

Speaker 44 It's sort of like that.

Speaker 6 I feel like if you had a nice dick, it would be the only really good part of your body.

Speaker 6 You're just sort of mushy.

Speaker 6 I don't mean that in a mean way.

Speaker 4 You don't mean that in a mean way?

Speaker 27 Well, going after us tonight.

Speaker 103 You, dude, you look like you have AIDS.

Speaker 79 Oh, my God, Jack Shaw.

Speaker 52 Hey, let me tell you.

Speaker 21 Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Speaker 8 Yeah, you're Wiltic.

Speaker 21 Respect your elders.

Speaker 79 Let's just say

Speaker 6 I hang out at a Starbucks and

Speaker 3 respect your elders, Jack Shaw.

Speaker 2 Well, he's so old, though. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 51 How old am I?

Speaker 2 So old.

Speaker 27 I don't know.

Speaker 80 That's it. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 65 All right.

Speaker 4 Wow. How old are you?

Speaker 6 59.

Speaker 80 Holy shit. Yeah.

Speaker 44 I was going to say like 72.

Speaker 108 Oh, my God.

Speaker 32 Jack, take it easy.

Speaker 98 I know. I'm sorry.

Speaker 6 It's tough coming from a kid who dresses like he's in eighth grade. Yeah.

Speaker 84 Right, right.

Speaker 2 So Jack, what about?

Speaker 44 Do you like the part of my pants that can hold a hammer?

Speaker 4 Right, right.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's the awesome thing. Dress like you have a job and you don't.

Speaker 6 So it's like work boots and a fucking trucker hat.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 11 Jack, how's life going?

Speaker 67 Connect with us over here.

Speaker 78 What's going on in life?

Speaker 29 What's going on in life?

Speaker 44 My girlfriend and I did mushrooms together.

Speaker 67 Whoa, you seem like you'd be a fucking real fun guy to do mushrooms with.

Speaker 3 I had a bad time.

Speaker 12 Let's talk about it. Tell us all about it.

Speaker 44 I I thought I had a pussy, dude.

Speaker 111 We're finding out why you hate your dick real quick.

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 5 This makes sense.

Speaker 104 I got so scared. I swear to God, I thought it was a clitoris.

Speaker 90 Did you just do it at home?

Speaker 59 Did you go somewhere?

Speaker 44 We were at the beach.

Speaker 47 Which beach?

Speaker 114 In Ventura.

Speaker 21 Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 39 All right. So right on the ocean.

Speaker 44 That's where the beach is.

Speaker 13 Got a real fucking attitude tonight, buddy.

Speaker 3 It's a fun show.

Speaker 106 Since when did the Jews just shoot shots at everybody, every which direction, just attacking

Speaker 54 to your left, to your right, everyone around you?

Speaker 47 When did the Jews start firing off missiles like this?

Speaker 2 Every fucking...

Speaker 92 I feel like we should help you with some of these.

Speaker 34 We should, perhaps, as true Americans, we should give you some weapons for you fire off, and then you could just say what we give you.

Speaker 27 You're funding it, dude.

Speaker 2 You're goddamn right.

Speaker 44 You guys are making this happen.

Speaker 27 You are right. So, you're at the beach.

Speaker 46 Is your girlfriend Jewish too?

Speaker 87 No, she's Christian.

Speaker 68 Oh my god. Yeah.

Speaker 67 Wow. Do you ever talk about how do you ever talk about how your ancestors killed Jesus?

Speaker 44 Oh, all these. We sometimes we role play.

Speaker 44 Yeah, she's Jesus, and I'm everybody else.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 2 Incredible.

Speaker 67 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 42 Well, fun times, Jack.

Speaker 106 You got the show started.

Speaker 8 Congratulations. Welcome.
You did it again. Golden ticket winner, Jack Shaw.

Speaker 9 And it has begun.

Speaker 8 And now we go to the bucket.

Speaker 117 This is where things get interesting. This is it.

Speaker 41 We're going to meet at this first bucket pull all together.

Speaker 48 Make some noise for Jesse Salvana.

Speaker 49 Jesse Saldana, perhaps.

Speaker 2 Yo,

Speaker 118 I recently realized I'm ready to be a dad because I got this girl pregnant.

Speaker 118 But this was two years ago,

Speaker 118 right after Roe v. Wade got overturned.
And she was like, I'm pregnant. And I was like, well, we only got one choice, I guess.

Speaker 118 And I say it's the first time I realized I was ready to be a dad because most of my ex-girlfriends have been Mexican girls. So I've had this conversation before, you know.

Speaker 118 But this was the first time I was like, you know what? I got a good job. I got benefits.

Speaker 118 I didn't really know what those benefits were, but this old dude at work kept telling me, hey, the benefits are good here.

Speaker 118 I was like, man, you might be right.

Speaker 2 You've been here for 20 years and this job sucks.

Speaker 118 So I told her all that, and she's like, I'm not having your fucking kid.

Speaker 120 And I was like, oh,

Speaker 120 white girls are cool.

Speaker 21 And

Speaker 118 I live in Austin now. I've been telling people I moved to Austin for comedy, but the truth is, I just wanted to find a white girl who likes the same drugs I like.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 Jesse Saldana

Speaker 3 just kind of just stopping.

Speaker 12 Welcome, Jesse.

Speaker 66 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 71 Eight years. Eight years?

Speaker 19 Wow. Where at?

Speaker 33 San Antonio? Houston.

Speaker 42 Houston. That was my next guess.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 67 Same shit.

Speaker 73 Absolutely.

Speaker 31 Absolutely.

Speaker 99 So what is it that you do for work?

Speaker 118 I'm in sales. I sell showers.

Speaker 34 You sell showers?

Speaker 118 I go to old people's houses and tell them they need a new shower.

Speaker 29 Uh-huh.

Speaker 118 Just a different version of a pyramid scheme.

Speaker 112 Okay.

Speaker 51 All right.

Speaker 101 Is there something special about your showers?

Speaker 118 They're cheap to make, expensive to sell.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 119 Pyramid scheme.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 31 I don't think you know what a pyramid scheme is.

Speaker 21 Oh.

Speaker 120 I forgot.

Speaker 118 I'm supposed to tell my friends to sell showers with me. And then I get commission off of their sales.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 65 There you go.

Speaker 55 Now it makes sense.

Speaker 106 So let's talk about it, Jesse. What are the drugs that you like to do?

Speaker 87 Weed and mushrooms.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 69 Weed and mushrooms.

Speaker 63 You do that every day?

Speaker 118 Not mushrooms. Right.

Speaker 121 You smoke weed every day.

Speaker 122 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 73 Okay.

Speaker 62 You do this while selling showers?

Speaker 21 After.

Speaker 116 you know I mean okay yeah now I know what you mean yeah you told me yeah I know exactly what that means smoking weed after work yeah I got that

Speaker 118 like a normal person yeah

Speaker 47 you could do conceivably do both you could get high and then sell showers you think it would mess you up a little bit yeah it's hard to talk to old people when you're high

Speaker 117 speak for yourself

Speaker 124 So this whole thing, do you have a girlfriend now, Mexican girls, white girls, you talked about?

Speaker 118 No, yeah, I'm with a white woman now.

Speaker 128 You're with a white woman now.

Speaker 85 How long have you been with her?

Speaker 120 Like two years.

Speaker 86 Where'd you meet her at?

Speaker 25 Here in Austin.

Speaker 62 But where in Austin exactly?

Speaker 118 I don't know, some coffee shop that sold weed.

Speaker 19 A coffee shop that sells weed?

Speaker 97 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 67 And did you approach her?

Speaker 86 She went up to you?

Speaker 118 Well, here's the thing about that weed.

Speaker 21 Uh-huh.

Speaker 118 I don't really remember how we met.

Speaker 118 I just know it happened at that place like two years ago around.

Speaker 127 So romantic.

Speaker 129 Yeah, it's what a great guy.

Speaker 98 You know what I mean?

Speaker 108 Incredible. So,

Speaker 41 and now you guys live together?

Speaker 118 How do you know that?

Speaker 3 I don't. I'm asking you a question.

Speaker 11 We are on a live show right now.

Speaker 32 I did not.

Speaker 122 It sounded like accusing, like, like a...

Speaker 118 I don't even know.

Speaker 21 Damn.

Speaker 2 Did you get high before this?

Speaker 130 Did you get high right before this?

Speaker 118 I didn't think my name was going to get pulled.

Speaker 2 That's a classic thing we hear here from a lot of people.

Speaker 131 No one knows that their name's going to get pulled.

Speaker 39 A little fun fact about the show, it'd be a whole different show if they did.

Speaker 54 The whole bucket would be pointless.

Speaker 118 I would have been ready to do one minute.

Speaker 68 Yep.

Speaker 131 And instead, you did 56 seconds and stopped talking completely.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 55 So eight years in the business, was that like your

Speaker 97 best material, you'd think?

Speaker 46 Or is that like some new stuff you're working on?

Speaker 118 That That's just the shortest.

Speaker 132 I tell a lot of stories.

Speaker 21 Ooh, yeah.

Speaker 11 A lot of stories, huh?

Speaker 132 A lot of stories.

Speaker 59 With long setups.

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 65 It takes a while to get to them.

Speaker 125 Cut all of that.

Speaker 118 And I was like, well, I can talk about this time I got this random girl pregnant.

Speaker 86 Did you really? So that's a true story.

Speaker 118 I wish it wasn't.

Speaker 21 Right.

Speaker 116 And did she, she got an abortion?

Speaker 22 Yeah, you know, there's still other ways to do that.

Speaker 106 Explain to us exactly what you mean.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 118 you can order these pills from Mexico that take care of it.

Speaker 65 Ooh, wow.

Speaker 54 How exciting.

Speaker 27 Tide pods, right? Or whatever those.

Speaker 118 See, the white boys were onto Tide Pods early.

Speaker 38 So you ordered basically Mexican Plan B?

Speaker 118 Yep.

Speaker 127 It works way later than Plan B does.

Speaker 71 Works way later.

Speaker 118 I mean, doesn't it take like a month to find out you're pregnant? I don't know how this works.

Speaker 108 Wow.

Speaker 6 You take it so late, you actually give it to the baby.

Speaker 8 That's a Mexican plan D.

Speaker 101 Plan C. Yep.

Speaker 6 Plan C means you're keeping it.

Speaker 2 This is plan null.

Speaker 14 Oh my God.

Speaker 38 So it works a lot later than American Plan B.

Speaker 118 Yeah, you know, we do things different down there.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 60 All right. And you ordered it and it came in the mail?

Speaker 57 Not exactly.

Speaker 118 I mean, there was still some smuggling involved.

Speaker 117 Okay.

Speaker 101 So you actually had a friend or someone go get it.

Speaker 118 I didn't know that guy, but.

Speaker 120 Met in a parking lot and I was like, man, this feels like old drug deals. It felt good.

Speaker 2 Probably was.

Speaker 47 Do you know

Speaker 83 exactly what it's called?

Speaker 2 Fentanyl?

Speaker 107 I don't know what it was.

Speaker 118 She's white. She found it.

Speaker 57 White girls are good at finding pills.

Speaker 56 And this current girlfriend of yours, she's white.

Speaker 118 Oh, yeah, but she's not like that.

Speaker 39 When you say she's not like that, what do you mean exactly?

Speaker 118 Like, she's not white trash.

Speaker 67 So if you got her pregnant, what would happen?

Speaker 123 Oh, we ain't get.

Speaker 118 No, we're safe. Like, we.

Speaker 31 When you say you're safe, what do you mean?

Speaker 118 You know, pulling out.

Speaker 65 You pull out.

Speaker 2 What do you think I meant?

Speaker 80 Like, y'all know what I meant.

Speaker 52 All right.

Speaker 78 You're checking in with them?

Speaker 92 You think I'm out of touch?

Speaker 66 You think I don't know what I'm doing over here?

Speaker 105 I don't know. I heard some stories about you.

Speaker 3 I bet you did.

Speaker 10 I bet you did.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 113 So,

Speaker 121 I mean, where do we even go from here?

Speaker 31 My dear friend, Jesse Saldana. That's how you spell your name, Jesse, with an I?

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 118 I asked my mom why she spelled my name like that, and she said the nurse spelled it wrong, and they just didn't fix it.

Speaker 108 Holy shit.

Speaker 118 Hey, man, I was born in Dallas in 1987. My mom did not want to correct a white nurse.
You know?

Speaker 119 Okay. She doesn't speak English.

Speaker 95 That's how it was.

Speaker 93 All right, Jesse. Jesse.

Speaker 2 What else?

Speaker 14 Do you have any hobbies or anything?

Speaker 108 Damn. Yeah.

Speaker 118 They gave me the cop siren. I used to be a juvenile probation officer.

Speaker 71 Really?

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 118 Why don't you do that anymore? My criminal record.

Speaker 102 Ooh.

Speaker 31 What exactly is your criminal record?

Speaker 118 This tree popped up out of nowhere on my way home.

Speaker 77 The what popped up? A tree.

Speaker 2 A tree. Yeah.

Speaker 119 And you'd been drinking and driving.

Speaker 118 I mean, that's what they said.

Speaker 13 Damn, you totaled your car?

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 67 Do you remember what happened at all?

Speaker 6 I mean, I woke up and there was a bunch of trees, and then

Speaker 25 there wasn't.

Speaker 62 Yeah, your people love cutting down trees any way you possibly can.

Speaker 116 Damn. All right, Jesse, here's a little joke book.
Congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 13 You did it.

Speaker 8 On to the next one, Jesse Saldana.

Speaker 8 Oh

Speaker 8 my god.

Speaker 8 You know what that sound means.

Speaker 49 It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 68 Auga.

Speaker 6 Boy, Jesse, it started. It was like a shower.
It started hot, got kind of cold, and then went right down the drain.

Speaker 3 Yes, it did.

Speaker 100 Real fast.

Speaker 2 Some people are hyper-aware tonight.

Speaker 17 They seem sensitive tonight.

Speaker 32 Both Jesse and Jack Shaw on the defensive, ready to go.

Speaker 94 Did you guys understand what I was talking about?

Speaker 68 How does he not know what I mean?

Speaker 12 You got the buddy's like, no.

Speaker 109 That's gotta suck.

Speaker 49 All right, your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Alex Hurtlene or Hurtline.

Speaker 52 Alex.

Speaker 52 Dada.

Speaker 87 Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 87 All right, so real quick, I just want to address this shit going on.

Speaker 87 Because whenever I do stand-up, most people are wondering why I look like my mom after she burnt dinner.

Speaker 87 Yeah, it's just a birthmark. My mom's fine.

Speaker 87 My dad would never hit my mom in the face, okay?

Speaker 87 Only in the stomach when she was pregnant with me.

Speaker 68 That's how it happened.

Speaker 87 Yeah, but when people find out it's a birthmark, they usually hit me with something like, pardon me, Zuko.

Speaker 87 What was it like growing up part soccer ball?

Speaker 87 And, you know, obviously I got bullied and shit quite a bit. But dude, my childhood was actually way harder for my dad, bro.
He got falsely accused of child abuse a lot.

Speaker 79 Yeah, every day, sir, why'd you give your four-year-old the smoke?

Speaker 87 Like, dude, I remember this one lady was yelling at him so badly that, like, my little kid brain didn't know how to process it.

Speaker 87 So I would just shake in fear like Gordon Ramsey's wife when he's about to go down on her.

Speaker 87 Well, thank you.

Speaker 102 Okay.

Speaker 15 First question, Alex.

Speaker 75 Why would Gordon Ramsey's wife be scared before...

Speaker 47 Oh, shit, I see the thing.

Speaker 106 Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 133 The phantom of Kiltoni has arrived.

Speaker 21 Holy shit.

Speaker 15 So that's just your normal face.

Speaker 65 Unfortunately.

Speaker 81 Well, no, I think it's got a little style to it.

Speaker 65 You know what I mean? I think it's great.

Speaker 12 it's awesome from the from you should have just stayed facing the audience the whole time and this would have gone a lot better for you

Speaker 56 no it's great it's great Alex nobody even notices

Speaker 87 first question why would Gordon Ramsey's wife be scared if he's going down on her I mean he fucking gets pissed when it tastes bad like any food oh okay you should you should say that part

Speaker 47 that gets a laugh and applause and stuff you should say that it's probably gonna help instead of people just confused, like, what's wrong with Wolfgang or Gordon Ramsey's, whatever.

Speaker 101 So, Alex, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 87 Like, two and a half years or so.

Speaker 65 Two and a half years.

Speaker 77 Where at here?

Speaker 87 Mostly Denver.

Speaker 21 Denver? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 59 Okay. That's where you're from.

Speaker 75 Yep.

Speaker 21 All right.

Speaker 60 And what do you do for work?

Speaker 87 For work, right now I'm a porter at a dealership, so I like take the cars that they're working on, take them to the bays. Right.
Shit like that.

Speaker 121 They keep you away from the customers, like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

Speaker 116 You're just kind of like the behind the scenes guy.

Speaker 3 Like keep the monster away from the

Speaker 12 can't sell cars with the freak out here.

Speaker 74 Anyway.

Speaker 100 Do girls like it, Alex?

Speaker 19 What's your love life like?

Speaker 87 Girls like it if their relationship with their dad is bad, but other than that, not really.

Speaker 87 Yeah, I kind of get a lot of O's when they turn around

Speaker 87 after I say hi.

Speaker 87 Yeah, kind of like how this, yeah, just silence, waiting for further explanation.

Speaker 134 I think the bucket hat's more aggressive than the birthmark, to be honest with you.

Speaker 42 What do you got under there?

Speaker 111 What are you dealing with? You're like.

Speaker 2 Oh. Yeah, look at that.

Speaker 76 You're like, this is like when the nerdy girl takes off her glasses at the end of a rom-com or something like that.

Speaker 2 Oh, Jack Stripper. Yeah, you're not a bad-looking guy.

Speaker 67 You're like if Gordon Ryan never tried sports or anything like that.

Speaker 75 Nobody knows that reference.

Speaker 117 He's a jujitsu guy.

Speaker 85 Okay, so Alex, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 87 For fun, I played hockey growing up. So normally I would do like beer league in Denver, but then I moved here and realized that there was like no ice rinks.
Right.

Speaker 87 So there's that. I also used to like be super into entrepreneurship.

Speaker 29 Uh-huh. What happened with that?

Speaker 87 I just,

Speaker 21 I don't know.

Speaker 87 I felt like my ideas were a little too retarded.

Speaker 87 Like I would go door to door selling no soliciting signs

Speaker 87 that's great yeah and it didn't work for you I made like 500 bucks but it was like really bad quality signs it looked like a fucking like dive bar restroom sign but it was just the no soliciting little stick figure guy with the fucking no through him

Speaker 71 you made 500 bucks how many hours or days did you do this?

Speaker 87 I did it for like probably consistently like a month probably like six hours a day selling each for 20 bucks after I bought them for a dollar It could have been good, but I kind of just gave up because I just it was not worth

Speaker 75 Sounds like a real pyramid scheme to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's actually a real good joke though like selling no soliciting signs door to door.

Speaker 59 That's fucking funny.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 21 Yeah

Speaker 2 Red band.

Speaker 125 I've been struggling with the writing part of it.

Speaker 87 Like I've attempted, but it never goes well.

Speaker 7 like dead silence whenever i like try something but working on it so that's kind of got like hair all over it uh yeah dude it's

Speaker 39 you have to shave it regularly i've been shaving since i was three months old dude wow yeah how often you have to shave it uh to like not scare people probably a week and you got to go like all the way to under your eye and then down kind of yeah kind of like it's face it that way for a second this way oh shit fuck yeah yeah that's a whole thing.

Speaker 87 So, yeah, it's like, for some reason, like, it has kind of a built-in fade. It's like way shorter up here, and it gets super long down here.

Speaker 46 Do barbers charge you extra for that?

Speaker 87 No.

Speaker 87 They like try to do it as like charity.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Yeah. No, I was just going to say my testicles the same way.

Speaker 6 But have you considered this? Just a thought, just spitballing. You're a hockey player.

Speaker 6 Have you ever just told a woman, I got a black eye, and then hope that after a few weeks she likes you enough that you go, by the way, it's permanent?

Speaker 87 I tried once in high school, and she got weirded out that it just stayed there forever. Yeah, but I mean, yeah, I don't know.
They usually like get more freaked out by the hair.

Speaker 87 It's almost like they don't even notice like the genuine, obvious dark spot.

Speaker 71 Have you thought about growing it out and braiding it?

Speaker 111 Dyeing it red, attaching an eyeball?

Speaker 87 Slightly.

Speaker 87 Dude, no bullshit. It takes so long, like, towards my eye to, like, actually get length.
It takes like two months. I've tried.

Speaker 62 Interesting. Yeah.

Speaker 31 And what's underneath there?

Speaker 33 Is it firm?

Speaker 75 Is it soft?

Speaker 87 Oh, I thought it was cancer. It didn't used to always be, like, pregnant.

Speaker 34 When did that start?

Speaker 21 Like, when I was 20, roughly.

Speaker 64 How old are you now?

Speaker 87 I'm 23.

Speaker 21 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 62 So there's still time. There is.

Speaker 20 Interesting. I wonder what our friend Dr.

Speaker 67 Pimple Popper would say about this.

Speaker 77 Can you get laser hair removal from that?

Speaker 87 Yeah, I actually spent like the first five years of my life going to like a laser removal doctor because this shit used to be all the way down to my mouth.

Speaker 87 And if I didn't get it like fixed, I wouldn't have been able to eat without biting my face.

Speaker 113 This is

Speaker 108 absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 136 You know.

Speaker 109 A lot of people say that this show just has a bunch of handicapped, creepy people on it.

Speaker 128 Then here comes fucking half a monkey boy walking out.

Speaker 67 Incredible.

Speaker 130 Did you get bullied for it a lot as a kid?

Speaker 125 Oh, 100%. Yeah.

Speaker 38 What's the meanest thing anybody ever said to you or how did they negatively affect your life?

Speaker 131 Let's relive it real quick in front of millions of people.

Speaker 87 Sorry, I'm trying to think of like the best one. Chocolate chip cookie got to me.

Speaker 110 Oh, yeah, that's a rough one.

Speaker 116 That's the monkey noise from 45 seconds ago, everybody.

Speaker 3 Chocolate chip cookies a rough one.

Speaker 68 Yeah, it is brutal.

Speaker 87 Yeah, and then another, it was like, oh, he's such a pussy and avoids fights because if he got hit in his other eye, he would look like a raccoon.

Speaker 87 That was a banger.

Speaker 129 Yeah, that's a banger.

Speaker 58 It really is.

Speaker 128 I'll tell you what.

Speaker 86 Here's a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. There you go.

Speaker 98 Alex Hurtline.

Speaker 68 Hell yeah.

Speaker 39 There he goes.

Speaker 137 One more time for Alex, everybody.

Speaker 132 At Blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments. It's about you, your style, your space, your way.

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Speaker 128 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 138 I get so many headaches every month.

Speaker 139 It could be chronic migraine, 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting four hours or more.

Speaker 24 Botox, autobotulinum toxin A, prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. It's not for those who have 14 or fewer headache days a month.
Prescription Botox is injected by your doctor.

Speaker 24 Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms.

Speaker 24 Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness can be signs of a life-threatening condition.

Speaker 24 Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck, and injection side pain, fatigue, and headache.

Speaker 24 Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms, and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection.

Speaker 24 Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, including ALS Lou Gehrig's disease, myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications, including botulinum toxins, as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

Speaker 119 Why wait?

Speaker 139 Ask your doctor. Visit BotoxChronicMigraine.com or call 1-800-44-Botox to learn more.

Speaker 7 Now.

Speaker 36 It's a real freak show so far.

Speaker 39 Here we go.

Speaker 36 Let's keep it going.

Speaker 49 Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted for AJ Iglesias.

Speaker 13 AJ Higlesius.

Speaker 25 What's going on, guys? My name is AJ Iglesias. I know that confuses some of you because my face says Trump supporter, but the name says ICE Detention Center.

Speaker 25 What an awkward ice raid that's got to be.

Speaker 25 They knock on my door, they open it up, and I'm like, hey, what's going on, man?

Speaker 25 Like, sir, he's white. And like, I still get arrested, not because I'm Mexican, because they found the mushrooms on my coffee table, you know what I mean?

Speaker 25 Honestly, like, the only way a guy like me gets any work nowadays is if I like stand outside of a Home Depot and pray to God somebody needs a half pipe built, you know?

Speaker 25 I don't just do half pipes. I do stairs too, man.

Speaker 25 Confuses all my jobs, man. It's fucking awesome.
Like, I work a lot of labor jobs.

Speaker 25 They think they're getting some hard work in Mexican, and then my big, dumb, white ass shows up, like, hey, what's going on?

Speaker 103 Can I vape in here? Is that cool with you guys?

Speaker 83 No, just, all right, cool.

Speaker 123 Yeah, yeah, most definitely.

Speaker 25 You guys are fun, man. I like you guys.

Speaker 142 This is really cool.

Speaker 25 Fuck, that's my set. My name is A.J.
Igglesius. Thank you all so much.
A.J.

Speaker 1 Iglesias.

Speaker 90 Am I saying that right?

Speaker 46 Iglesias?

Speaker 25 The H is silent. The H is silent.

Speaker 47 The first letter of your last name is silent.

Speaker 41 So you go by Iglesias?

Speaker 32 Yes, sir.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 78 Different than Inglesias.

Speaker 25 Right? Yeah. No, it's not Inglesias.
It's Iglesias. But like, I try not to say it with an accent because people are just like, you shouldn't.

Speaker 86 Are you 100% Latino?

Speaker 25 No, I'm half. My dad's Mexican.
My mom is very white.

Speaker 21 Yeah, very, very, very, very, very, very white.

Speaker 143 That's incredible.

Speaker 12 So are they still together?

Speaker 83 No. Why do you think I'm up here?

Speaker 58 No, yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 32 How old were you when they separated?

Speaker 95 I was seven years old.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 122 Yeah. We are.

Speaker 25 De-Manis is laughing at me. He's like, fuck you.

Speaker 3 I love divorce. Yeah.

Speaker 75 He's just happy that he couldn't see the last guy's face.

Speaker 27 Oh, shit.

Speaker 49 So, AJ, let's talk about it.

Speaker 101 How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 25 I've been doing stand-up comedy off and on for the last nine years since I was about 19. Wow.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 68 Nine years.

Speaker 40 And what do you do for work?

Speaker 25 I am a software tester for self-driving cars here in Austin. Wow.
Not Waymo, Zukes. Shout out, I guess.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 47 What's the difference between Zook and Waymo?

Speaker 25 They're Amazon-owned, and I guess they're like building like a fully autonomous car with like four people in it and no like steering wheel. It's like a fully like, yeah, it's kind of, yeah.

Speaker 111 I mean, you should know. You're the guy, right?

Speaker 25 Yeah, but like the cars we have are different. We're like, we're like in Toyota Highlanders and like the robot's coming like in the next year or so.

Speaker 25 So we're just making sure it doesn't crash, you know?

Speaker 75 The robot's coming.

Speaker 25 The robot is going to be coming and it's going going to be coming hard.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 90 For some reason, I'm hard as a rock right now.

Speaker 39 AJ, what's your love life like?

Speaker 25 Kind of bad.

Speaker 25 Yeah. I just got recently broken up with.

Speaker 43 Why?

Speaker 25 Why did she break up with you? I don't think she liked Texas. I moved her from California where I'm originally from, obviously.
And

Speaker 25 yeah, she spent two months here and was like, I want to leave. And I was like, oh, damn.
I like made my apartment all nice for her, you know, like made it it like lady-friendly, and then she left.

Speaker 67 So, let's talk about it real quick.

Speaker 128 What do you mean by lady-friendly?

Speaker 98 You

Speaker 13 lowered the toilet seat, or yeah, like

Speaker 25 I put like shelves in the shower and shit. Like, I bought her like a vanity to put in the bathroom.
Like, she games, so like I got her like a gaming desk and stuff.

Speaker 25 And now I just have like a nicer apartment.

Speaker 2 So, it's pretty sick.

Speaker 33 Very interesting.

Speaker 32 How long ago was this breakup?

Speaker 25 It was like the beginning of the year, I think. Like, yeah, it was like January-ish.

Speaker 62 And she went back to California and doesn't talk to you at all anymore.

Speaker 25 She still does talk to me, actually.

Speaker 70 So, you guys have like a kind of a long-distance thing going on?

Speaker 25 Not really at all. Like, I think she doesn't even like men, so that was a real blow to the ego.

Speaker 48 That's the type of woman that would move back to California.

Speaker 3 A lesbian.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 109 Takes a real lesbo to leave Texas for California.

Speaker 117 She's right now at a Starbucks in Silverlake, assuredly, sitting next to Jack's angry Jew dad

Speaker 117 while he scoffs at the lesbian antics.

Speaker 64 So, you thought that a woman would like shelves in a shower.

Speaker 109 It's funny how this episode's kind of like all repeating itself.

Speaker 31 Nice.

Speaker 98 Okay.

Speaker 99 So, shelves in a shower, a gaming desk.

Speaker 25 Well, it's just like a regular desk to set up her games and stuff.

Speaker 38 When she left, what made you think that she's a lesbian?

Speaker 24 Can you explain?

Speaker 25 Oh, she told me.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 25 Yeah, like,

Speaker 25 yeah, I went to go buy her a bong because she likes to smoke weed. And I got, like, you know, bought her a bong and like some candy that she likes.
And then she's like, I like women.

Speaker 25 And I'm like, sick.

Speaker 55 Yeah, it's never good if you buy your girlfriend a bong and she just sits on it.

Speaker 70 It's never a good sign.

Speaker 25 It isn't. It never is.

Speaker 61 So did she ever try to like, did you ever, like, did you always have long hair like that?

Speaker 122 Um, uh, yeah.

Speaker 25 No, well, for the last, like, you know, two years or so.

Speaker 65 Did she ever try to like put your legs over your head and eat where your pussy would be

Speaker 25 no did you ever get hints that she was into lesbian type of stuff in the bedroom she likes being on top a lot so like maybe that that could have been a sign hmm yeah yeah that was about it she didn't try to eat my boy pussy

Speaker 25 which i was a little offended that she didn't want to but then again you know makes sense it would make sense yeah

Speaker 25 yep it's not a good time down there did you try to like have another girl come in the bedroom you know when you fly no no she kind of just dropped the news and she's like i fly out in two weeks and that was like the most awkward two weeks of my fucking life.

Speaker 25 Because I live in a studio, so we're like on top of each other, literally.

Speaker 67 Yeah. Yeah, she's on top of you.

Speaker 3 Greg Fitzsimmons.

Speaker 76 Well,

Speaker 6 look, there's a lot. There's a lot to unpack.
I'm still getting over it. There was a guy up here with a hairy baseball on the side of his face a minute ago.

Speaker 104 I saw that guy and I'm like, I feel a little constracted.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 39 We're punching people in the face if they do bad tonight.

Speaker 12 Oh, it's a whole new episode, a whole new level of kilts.

Speaker 6 Would you consider going under the knife to get this woman back and becoming a woman?

Speaker 6 cutting off your dick and adding the rest of the tits that you have on your chest.

Speaker 105 You know,

Speaker 25 I feel like this is enough, I thought. I like having a dick.

Speaker 104 It's really awesome.

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah. So I wouldn't get rid of that.
Nah.

Speaker 6 And what about the hair that you have all over your t-shirt in the back? Is that you're covered in your own hair?

Speaker 103 I know, it's crazy.

Speaker 6 Do you think the grooming might have had something to do with it?

Speaker 25 Probably. I think, yeah.

Speaker 25 I'm like a cat, so she was just like finding hair all over her, you know what I mean? It was terrible.

Speaker 92 You have a cat?

Speaker 97 I don't. It's just me.

Speaker 29 Oh, you're like,

Speaker 77 yeah.

Speaker 38 What's a fun fact about your life that you think makes you different than other people?

Speaker 25 God, the only fun fact is like people don't believe I'm Mexican. That's part of my sex.

Speaker 96 Do you ever communicate with your dad?

Speaker 87 I do.

Speaker 117 You guys are. Yeah.

Speaker 56 Like talk on the phone? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 76 He's still in California?

Speaker 25 No.

Speaker 25 He just recently like retired early. He sold his house in California, bought an RV, and he's like touring the country right now.

Speaker 90 Just him and avoiding ice that's what that's called everybody just touring the country right now retired and touring just on the run

Speaker 21 yeah all right okay well

Speaker 34 all right aj well fun times here's a medium-sized joke book buddy there you go aj iglesias ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 90 Good news. We have a special treat for you, everybody.

Speaker 13 Got through a few wild bucket pulls, and now it is time for one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Speaker 36 She is from Nashville, Tennessee.

Speaker 49 She is an absolute savage. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful Theo Nacau, everyone.

Speaker 49 Hello.

Speaker 146 I just got back from France.

Speaker 146 Yeah, they let me over there.

Speaker 146 No, it was uh pretty funny. I got there and had to Uber from the airport at the hotel and my fiancé was with me and our Uber driver was like this really hot French man.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 146 And I thought he was hitting on me

Speaker 146 and I was really excited to turn down this French guy in front of my fiancé.

Speaker 146 I kind of need that emotionally.

Speaker 146 And then he goes, I just really love your voice.

Speaker 146 Which, as you all can imagine, isn't really a compliment I get often.

Speaker 146 Yeah, no. And then he goes, Yeah, I'm learning English, so

Speaker 146 you talk so slow. It's

Speaker 4 so helpful and like

Speaker 146 y'all, I am already humbled, you know what I mean? Like God took curve it. I don't need this man.

Speaker 146 My point is Duolingo can suck my dick.

Speaker 146 Duolingo can suck my wee wee or whatever.

Speaker 8 Thank you. Fiona Collie.
There you go. That's how it's done.

Speaker 136 Fiona, Fiona, Fiona.

Speaker 62 Fantastic.

Speaker 69 You've done it again.

Speaker 64 How's life going?

Speaker 146 Really good.

Speaker 146 I went on my bachelorette party.

Speaker 95 Oh, shit.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 65 What's that like?

Speaker 146 It was kind of stressful deciding what to do because life is full of walking activities.

Speaker 146 Yeah.

Speaker 86 Yes. What did you settle on?

Speaker 146 I figured it out. We went to a Dollywood, like this theme park, because sitting, number one, we all love it.
I'm the best.

Speaker 146 And it's the only place that I get like to cut lines and perks for being disabled. So that was good.

Speaker 93 What kind of perks do you get for being disabled?

Speaker 146 The fast best.

Speaker 21 Ooh.

Speaker 51 Hell yeah.

Speaker 27 And these are like rides and stuff?

Speaker 146 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Craig Fitzsimmons.

Speaker 6 Just the cruel irony that they call it the fast pass.

Speaker 119 That's got to hurt.

Speaker 14 So what kind of rides are there?

Speaker 146 Just like really fast up and down. It's like a theme park, amusement park.

Speaker 147 Have you ever been to Dolly World?

Speaker 95 No, have you been to Dollywood?

Speaker 65 Hell yeah. It's great.

Speaker 2 It's really great. It's an amusement park.

Speaker 21 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 146 It was my first.

Speaker 47 You've been to Dollywood in Tennessee?

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 93 You made that trip?

Speaker 51 Yeah, we're from Ohio.

Speaker 2 That was like Art Disney World was Dolly World.

Speaker 3 Well, we also had Cedar Point. I know.

Speaker 98 The world's greatest amusement park.

Speaker 59 Kings Island, Geaga Lake.

Speaker 65 Famously.

Speaker 21 Dolly World. We were spoiled.

Speaker 78 Hershey. And you went all the way to Dolly?

Speaker 21 Dolly World.

Speaker 51 Dolly World. Dolly World.

Speaker 146 Hey, they also have like really good food there, so I get it.

Speaker 96 Would you have like a like a

Speaker 72 powdered sugar covered thing?

Speaker 146 A hot dog, yeah.

Speaker 65 A hot dog.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 65 Perfect.

Speaker 58 That's how Red Band likes his hot dogs.

Speaker 70 That's fun.

Speaker 92 So a bunch of chicks showed up and you guys went to Dolly World.

Speaker 146 Yeah,

Speaker 146 Dolly Wood.

Speaker 83 Dolly Wood.

Speaker 2 Okay. Red Band corrected me to Dolly World and now we're back.

Speaker 143 We're back.

Speaker 33 I don't know why I listen to him.

Speaker 2 I rarely do.

Speaker 70 Took a chance on him and that's where it got me.

Speaker 10 Now I'm a fucking idiot in front of millions of people. It's the bean all over again.

Speaker 128 It's the fucking bean all over again.

Speaker 13 Dollywood, Dolly World.

Speaker 146 God damn. I did

Speaker 146 shrooms.

Speaker 47 Ooh, everybody's talking about mushrooms this episode.

Speaker 67 It's a mushroom-heavy episode.

Speaker 116 So let's talk about it.

Speaker 31 How did the mushrooms hit you?

Speaker 146 Oh my god, I don't deal with drugs well.

Speaker 146 Okay, but I did shrooms at Dollywood, which

Speaker 146 yeah, something is wrong with me. Okay,

Speaker 146 really scary. I forgot that like I'm on the show sometimes, and so I'm like fully peeking.

Speaker 146 And this guy comes up to me and he's like, oh my god, can I get a photo? And I was like, why?

Speaker 58 Yeah.

Speaker 58 That's so funny.

Speaker 146 My friends had ranted me out.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 59 Yeah. So what was the highlight?

Speaker 42 Just fun, rides.

Speaker 43 It was a good bachelorette party.

Speaker 146 Yeah, didn't drop. That was fun.
That was good. I did a lot of shrooms in multiple days.
I don't do shrooms.

Speaker 122 Now you do. Yeah.

Speaker 146 I was,

Speaker 146 I had a Coke phase.

Speaker 73 Oh, okay. Wow.

Speaker 31 We're just having a little confessional here tonight.

Speaker 86 Tell us about this Coke phase.

Speaker 2 What was that like?

Speaker 146 It was in college in my like walker era.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 12 The old speedwalking.

Speaker 146 I did coke for the first time, and I'm not fucking kidding. I started doing cartwheels.

Speaker 21 Oh, wow.

Speaker 146 And I could like run by myself. And I was so convinced that this was like the most modern medicine.

Speaker 146 I told my neurologist,

Speaker 146 I was like, you gotta try this shit.

Speaker 146 It is unbelievable.

Speaker 31 That's amazing.

Speaker 146 Yeah, and he was like, no, that's like really cool, but you have a heart problem, so.

Speaker 6 Imagine if that was a cure.

Speaker 6 And Jerry Lewis shows up with a pound of Coke and gives it to all the kids, and they just all get up and start fucking dancing.

Speaker 146 wow perfect music for that situation really painted the picture there red band gave us a nice texture for those of you just listening and not watching to the podcast Wow so fun so the highlights of the bachelorette party were mushrooms and fast pass Yes, yeah, and to get like the fast pass as a disabled person, they bring you in this little office and they question you.

Speaker 146 I'm not getting like to like prove you're disabled enough.

Speaker 65 And I was like, me? Like, what are we?

Speaker 146 What are we doing? And one of the questions was, do you have the upper body strength to like hold yourself in place?

Speaker 146 And I was like, this fucking cunt. Like, of course.

Speaker 146 Like, what a dumb fucking question. I did not, okay.
I almost died on every ride.

Speaker 126 Yeah,

Speaker 137 a lot of slippage.

Speaker 146 I had to go back and apologize to her. I don't remember because I had a concussion, but like

Speaker 89 you're so funny, Fiona.

Speaker 128 We love you.

Speaker 8 Another new minute from Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 8 She's done it again.

Speaker 34 A superstar.

Speaker 49 How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Speaker 36 Isn't it something?

Speaker 70 A perfect human specimen.

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Speaker 148 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

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Not available in all states.

Speaker 49 All right, back to the bucket we go. I gotta say, this looks like one of the most fun names I've pulled in a long time.

Speaker 49 I know a good name when I see one.

Speaker 38 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sir Winston Pickles, everybody.

Speaker 49 Sir Winston Pickles. Oh, yes, let's go.

Speaker 123 Well, I'm 60 years of age and my high school belt still fits around my neck.

Speaker 2 I try to stay in shape.

Speaker 150 Just like the teenage girl next door.

Speaker 145 She's one of those teenage girls who likes to go jogging at 5 a.m.

Speaker 123 in the morning.

Speaker 95 Well, 5.22 this morning.

Speaker 57 Whenever she goes jogging, I like to drive slowly behind her with my headlights off.

Speaker 57 You know, just to make sure she's safe.

Speaker 145 Well, you have to, there's some fucking weirdos out there in the morning.

Speaker 125 I've been reading this Diana book and

Speaker 149 I find it difficult to comprehend.

Speaker 125 It's been over 30 years, well almost 30 years, since

Speaker 145 the world tragically lost what I believe anyway to be the most beautiful Mercedes-Benz ever made.

Speaker 79 Thank you. My name's Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 125 You've been wonderful.

Speaker 128 Sir Winston Pickles, let the fun begin.

Speaker 13 Holy shit.

Speaker 131 I love everything about you, Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 13 Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show.

Speaker 86 I genuinely laughed throughout your entire set.

Speaker 48 That was amazing.

Speaker 38 How long have you been performing on stage?

Speaker 150 Ten years as a clown, six years as stand-up.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 91 Okay, so the last six you've been doing stand-up as a clown, but ten as a clown.

Speaker 56 What were you doing the first four?

Speaker 94 You don't seem like you'd be very good at children's parties or anything.

Speaker 107 No.

Speaker 149 There's still a few of those missing.

Speaker 68 I love it.

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 2 So where are you from?

Speaker 150 England originally, but I just moved from Florida.

Speaker 86 You moved to Austin, Texas?

Speaker 2 Yeah, two weeks ago.

Speaker 65 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 2 Look at that. Amazing.

Speaker 35 We'll see how you like this Texas heat.

Speaker 111 I see that makeup's gonna be running any day now.

Speaker 68 Well, welcome, welcome.

Speaker 29 How long were you in Florida for?

Speaker 125 Ten years.

Speaker 150 Ten years. Bad enough.

Speaker 63 Right, exactly.

Speaker 79 And so what do you do most of the time?

Speaker 63 What is a guy like Sir Winston Pickles up to when he's not?

Speaker 125 A bit of this, bit of that.

Speaker 2 Huh? A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Speaker 73 Okay, let's talk about it.

Speaker 95 A little bit of what, a little bit of what?

Speaker 150 I room my car at $20 an hour, also known as DoorDash.

Speaker 20 Oh, you do DoorDash? Yes.

Speaker 54 You don't do it in character?

Speaker 2 No. Oh, my God.

Speaker 31 Have you thought about doing it in character?

Speaker 37 That seems like it would be a hit.

Speaker 128 I mean, it gives people some real fucking nightmares on their ring doorbell camera.

Speaker 41 Just freak people the hell out.

Speaker 67 Seems like a blast.

Speaker 56 Sir Winston Pickles, how much time do you think you have?

Speaker 147 How much material do you think you have of that par that you just did for that minute?

Speaker 150 I do 20 minutes. I've been a feature in Florida.

Speaker 95 Amazing.

Speaker 75 Greg Fitzsimmons.

Speaker 6 I'm just, it's hard to make fun of a guy who,

Speaker 6 you know, you're just kind of in awe of.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 6 I mean, I think you're hilarious. Like, I like to shit on people

Speaker 6 because they suck. And I just think you're very good, so I'm speechless.

Speaker 149 Well, thank you. I agree.

Speaker 90 I agree, Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 117 I like your style a lot.

Speaker 63 In fact, I think, you know, why don't you just do a little more time?

Speaker 128 Why don't you do another minute or two?

Speaker 49 I want to hear more of Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 90 You guys want to hear some more material from Sir Winston Pickles?

Speaker 8 I mean, I'm just going to let you take over, Sir Winston.

Speaker 2 Feel free to shoot a fucking 20-minute special right now.

Speaker 130 Hold on one second.

Speaker 20 Can I get the can we do the solo light on Sir Winston Pickles?

Speaker 129 Yeah, let's do that.

Speaker 150 I've been having a lot of issues with my neighbours

Speaker 57 especially the neighbor next door he's his carbon monoxide alarm kept me awake all last night

Speaker 65 all night

Speaker 57 of course I confronted him about it the next day I

Speaker 145 Knocked on his door said Trevor you coming out what's on what's going on last night?

Speaker 149 No answer. No,

Speaker 150 that's a dick move, that is.

Speaker 145 I used to work on a circus on a cruise ship. Uh,

Speaker 125 met some great people,

Speaker 125 met my first wife, the bearded lady. Uh,

Speaker 150 she wasn't uh part of the circus, no, she was from Maine.

Speaker 21 Thank you.

Speaker 150 Better great guy, the human cannonball.

Speaker 145 Great guy, do anything for anyone.

Speaker 125 Always went the extra mile.

Speaker 57 Actually, that's how we lost him at sea.

Speaker 145 There's not finding him either because

Speaker 145 he was a midget.

Speaker 150 I'm sorry, we can't use that word, no, can we?

Speaker 125 It was a midget.

Speaker 150 nice to go on this stage and found someone paler than me.

Speaker 125 Any cruise ship lovers in here while we're talking about cruises?

Speaker 98 What is wrong with you?

Speaker 57 They say that at every given time of the year they 17 people a year disappear overboard never to be found again

Speaker 125 that's not enough

Speaker 120 on a weekend cruise I have a list of at least 50 women and children I want to throw overboard

Speaker 125 no there are men too but it's women and children first

Speaker 45 Sir Winston Pickles, I have some more questions now.

Speaker 8 Amazing.

Speaker 8 Amazing. It's fun to just sit back and watch someone do comedy for a little bit.

Speaker 39 I like your style.

Speaker 14 You're so different than everybody else.

Speaker 31 Did you work on cruise ships for a bit out of Florida?

Speaker 123 No, that was a big lie.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 24 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 64 Have you met any, are there people out there, like women, that have clown fetishes?

Speaker 93 Is that a thing?

Speaker 19 Have you noticed that?

Speaker 145 A few.

Speaker 125 I try to stay away from them. They're fucking weird.

Speaker 143 So do you have like a wife or a girlfriend or something?

Speaker 125 Yeah, she's at home in the basement.

Speaker 27 Right.

Speaker 47 And she likes you clown.

Speaker 18 Did you ever, do you ever

Speaker 60 hang out with her in the clown makeup?

Speaker 125 Yes.

Speaker 86 And does the carpet match the drapes?

Speaker 116 Is there like a red nose on it?

Speaker 2 It's shiny and red, yes.

Speaker 136 It's a what?

Speaker 150 It's shiny and red.

Speaker 59 Shiny and red.

Speaker 131 When's the last time you were in England, Sir Winston Pickles?

Speaker 123 Oh,

Speaker 65 a decade ago.

Speaker 84 Good.

Speaker 129 We were just there, and holy shit.

Speaker 95 I have to apologize for that.

Speaker 108 Yeah, it's a real mess.

Speaker 27 These people, these people.

Speaker 59 It's a mess.

Speaker 6 Do you do the Lady Die joke in in england

Speaker 123 no

Speaker 122 no

Speaker 9 fantastic material sir winston pickles welcome to the kill tony universe this is a big kill tony joke book made by the great bones eye ready band i i just want to say uh the last four arena shows i've seen you in the audience of the

Speaker 83 i've been like what the fuck is going on here it's so great to finally see you i would love to have have you on the secret show Thursday

Speaker 53 here you go Sir Winston Pickles has arrived ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 53 a

Speaker 37 dark and dirty clown just what we've always wanted here there he goes

Speaker 51 Sir Winston Pickles he's our favorite clown we always like it when he comes to town

Speaker 21 Alright, your next bucket pull, ladies.

Speaker 49 This looks, I mean, again, this is another wild name. And it's a one-word name.

Speaker 65 Make some noise for offender.

Speaker 21 Holy shit, this should be interesting.

Speaker 108 Hell yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 It's a new year. It's a new me.

Speaker 152 That's what I've been telling myself.

Speaker 141 This year I've been working on my New Year's resolution.

Speaker 79 Which is to quit smoking cigarettes.

Speaker 152 This year I came up with a new technique.

Speaker 79 It's where I I like to picture the cigarette.

Speaker 152 Something I would never put in my mouth.

Speaker 79 So if you were to guess a big black cock, you'd be correct.

Speaker 141 Now, I don't know why it has to be big or black.

Speaker 79 Just seems scarier.

Speaker 152 And I know I got some supportive friends because they never get mad at me when I get down on my knees.

Speaker 83 I say, hey, man, you got a lighter?

Speaker 79 But boy, do they get pissed when I take off my hat and say hey, will you hold my hair

Speaker 79 There was some good news to this whole situation and be I'm not homophobic or racist

Speaker 21 All right

Speaker 67 Wow offender

Speaker 58 my goodness

Speaker 6 That was the worst tragedy in Texas in the last five days

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 100 Offender.

Speaker 2 My God.

Speaker 143 What's up, buddy? What the hell was that, dude?

Speaker 58 It's tough to follow Sir Winston Pickles, isn't it?

Speaker 141 Win some, you lose some, you know?

Speaker 67 I felt great about it. This is awesome.

Speaker 130 Have you won some?

Speaker 95 Yes, sir. Okay.

Speaker 111 I'm here right now.

Speaker 120 All right.

Speaker 129 this is a win okay all right offender there you go there's people in the back like opportunity

Speaker 109 doesn't matter what you do with it but you did get pulled out of the bucket uh tell us about you what the fuck was that

Speaker 78 let's start there you've been working on that you've been running that at open mics gets laughs yeah it kills Really?

Speaker 80 It does.

Speaker 152 I don't want to sell it now. I mean, if it sucked, it sucked.
I'll work it.

Speaker 147 I'll get better.

Speaker 18 Offender, what's going on in your actual life?

Speaker 106 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 86 Tell us about you.

Speaker 152 So I live on my short bus.

Speaker 111 I travel around Austin.

Speaker 152 I do nothing but comedy.

Speaker 152 I've been hosting now. I've been here for six months.
I just, this makes 312. 312 mics that I've done since moving here.

Speaker 21 Wow.

Speaker 152 I've done it in Nashville. I went to New York just to test the grounds before you guys go to MSG to understand how the subways work.
What is this like?

Speaker 108 Wow.

Speaker 17 You're ready to bomb on every level.

Speaker 2 No, sir.

Speaker 47 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 2 It's all right.

Speaker 40 I love it. That's how it goes.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 95 You're paying your dues.

Speaker 70 312 open mics.

Speaker 106 What's the worst it's ever gone?

Speaker 93 Describe to us what the worst is.

Speaker 81 Well, apparently right now, but

Speaker 152 that's news to me.

Speaker 152 I'm disappointed with that, but I feel like I just got off a bull and i sucked and so i maybe i need to work harder and better i mean okay this is going nowhere no i mean ask me anything else what do you want to know i just asked you what's the worst an open mics ever gone for you this isn't an open mic you're in front of millions of people right now

Speaker 43 you are correct uh-huh

Speaker 51 uh

Speaker 152 i had a mic that i was hosting uh-huh This is true story. It just happened last week, and some people came in interrupting.
It's a bar show.

Speaker 21 Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 And so, as a host, I tried to gain them back.

Speaker 87 And

Speaker 152 I told these people that this was not a movie theater, and

Speaker 152 they did not, they didn't like that.

Speaker 71 That was not, that wasn't when you say you told these people,

Speaker 117 what do you mean by these people?

Speaker 117 Can you describe them for them?

Speaker 68 They were nice people, yeah.

Speaker 108 They uh they like rap music, okay,

Speaker 84 yeah,

Speaker 57 fried chicken, Okey-dokey.

Speaker 14 That's enough.

Speaker 13 We got it.

Speaker 108 We got it.

Speaker 111 All right, Offender.

Speaker 70 So

Speaker 13 you've been on this show before, right?

Speaker 34 One time. But your name was different then.

Speaker 29 No, it was Offender. It was Offender.

Speaker 18 That's right.

Speaker 88 It's all coming back to you.

Speaker 152 Kill Tony Bingo Board tattooed on his thigh.

Speaker 38 You do have a Kill Tony bingo board tattooed to your thigh.

Speaker 2 I do.

Speaker 123 Wow.

Speaker 78 This is our fan base, everybody, if you're wondering.

Speaker 85 If you're wondering if you're sane or not for loving this show, this is the guy that has the...

Speaker 152 Have you ever seen The Rock that comes with the Cam Patterson shirt?

Speaker 126 No.

Speaker 61 No.

Speaker 152 You've never seen it? Here.

Speaker 2 No, it's okay. It's okay.

Speaker 115 No, I'll just hand it to you.

Speaker 20 That's fentanyl.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right, offender.

Speaker 41 You already have a little joke book?

Speaker 79 I have a big joke book, but...

Speaker 83 I gave you a big joke book?

Speaker 2 Yes, sir.

Speaker 92 What the fuck did you talk about possibly in that interview last time in which you got a big joke book?

Speaker 152 I had been to prison.

Speaker 68 Ah.

Speaker 2 okay.

Speaker 152 I had been to prison.

Speaker 51 I mean,

Speaker 152 I know prison had an effect on me, though, especially when it comes to women. Okay.
Now, instead of buying them flowers, I just give them honey buns.

Speaker 2 Okey-dokey, offender.

Speaker 79 I'm gonna go shoot myself.

Speaker 47 Here's a little joke book to go with the big one.

Speaker 65 Here you go.

Speaker 112 Boom.

Speaker 73 Here, take that.

Speaker 136 There you go.

Speaker 67 Offender, everybody.

Speaker 74 I am offended.

Speaker 42 I am offended.

Speaker 65 Alright.

Speaker 21 Wow.

Speaker 34 Sometimes it just gets a little fucking sad in here.

Speaker 49 You know what I mean?

Speaker 36 Make some noise for your next bucket full, Sunny Castillo, everyone.

Speaker 74 Sonny Castillo.

Speaker 147 So I recently bought a used dog from the animal shelter.

Speaker 147 And she was a bit harder to take care of than I thought she would be, so I needed help. So I went and got a used girlfriend from the woman's shelter.

Speaker 147 I could never turn down a rescue.

Speaker 147 And earlier this morning, we were getting ready to go to work.

Speaker 147 And she kept complaining that she had a muffin top.

Speaker 64 And I was like, nah, you look fine.

Speaker 147 Cupcake.

Speaker 147 So my friend Marticella just opened up the world's first gay ice cream parlor.

Speaker 147 She calls it Motti Cohn's.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 89 Sonny Castillo.

Speaker 90 Welcome, Sonny.

Speaker 15 Is this your first time on the show? Yes, it is.

Speaker 76 Nice.

Speaker 66 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 147 About 14 years.

Speaker 29 14 years.

Speaker 19 Where at? San Antonio?

Speaker 147 No.

Speaker 54 Yes, Austin.

Speaker 109 I haven't really left Texas.

Speaker 147 I was mostly around here.

Speaker 2 Austin Houston. Mostly around here.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 93 Austin, Houston. What do you do for work, Sonny Castillo?

Speaker 147 I work at a courthouse.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 43 What do you do at the courthouse?

Speaker 147 We call people that have warrants and we try to help them to avoid being arrested by police. So we're like the good guys.

Speaker 78 So you try to call them in?

Speaker 39 Yeah, it's easy because a lot of them are my family members.

Speaker 64 Ah, very good, Sonny.

Speaker 125 I like that.

Speaker 130 Yeah, we know a lot of Castillos.

Speaker 91 Big family you got.

Speaker 100 Yes, yes.

Speaker 147 I actually have over 80 first cousins on my dad's side. Wow.
So we might be related.

Speaker 29 Look at that.

Speaker 47 80 cousins. You might be related to these two as well.

Speaker 147 okay Sonny what do you do for fun what are some hobbies of Sonny Castillo so I used to do photography and during the pandemic I started doing action figure photography and so I started doing action figure reviews on YouTube Wow red band is hard as a rock right now

Speaker 130 that's absolutely incredible action figure reviews on YouTube is that taking off kind of is it getting popular uh it it i'm monetized so i get a couple hundred bucks a year from it.

Speaker 116 A couple hundred bucks a year.

Speaker 76 Wow. It's like

Speaker 147 it's something that I was already doing, so I was like, might as well make a little bit of money from it.

Speaker 21 I love it.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 72 Very interesting. It's childlike behaviors.

Speaker 86 I'm going to check in with Greg Fitzsimmons here.

Speaker 6 Well, look, I don't want to be harsh on the guy. He's got a necklace with a revolver on it.

Speaker 6 Is that something you wear to the courthouse?

Speaker 147 Yeah, it's a 1911. It's not a revolver, semi-automatic.
It's a G.I.

Speaker 83 Joe gun.

Speaker 6 Have you ever shot somebody?

Speaker 115 I haven't, but I've been really close.

Speaker 34 When you say you've been really close, what are we talking about?

Speaker 115 So I was at Lakeland Mall one day, and

Speaker 12 I was in the parking lot, and I saw a dude beating on an old woman.

Speaker 147 So I hopped out and I stuck a 40-cal in his face.

Speaker 123 Wow.

Speaker 75 Told him to stop.

Speaker 22 Amazing.

Speaker 95 He listened.

Speaker 69 You're an American hero.

Speaker 57 Those rings,

Speaker 46 where did you steal those from?

Speaker 23 Actually, it's funny.

Speaker 147 Most of these are street value, so we paid what they cost on the street.

Speaker 31 What does that mean?

Speaker 39 Explain to us non-criminals exactly what you mean by that.

Speaker 3 I'm not saying they're stolen.

Speaker 147 I'm not saying they're not stolen, but the person that we bought them from seemed like a legit guy.

Speaker 147 Once a wedding ring, that came from Kay Jewelers.

Speaker 6 It doesn't look like great metal. It looks like the kind of metal where if you pulled the ring off, you would still have a ring on your skin.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 147 Technically, I do because of son, but yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 120 So there you go.

Speaker 94 So you're married?

Speaker 111 I am married.

Speaker 33 How long have you been married for?

Speaker 147 We've been married going on six years.

Speaker 63 Six years. What does she do?

Speaker 147 She works for the state.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 147 Not quite sure. I know she's in front of a computer.

Speaker 34 You have no idea what your wife of six years does for a living.

Speaker 14 Yeah, she does something.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 45 Where'd you guys meet?

Speaker 65 Actually, through a mutual friend on Facebook.

Speaker 147 Before the Facebook dating thing, we met.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 71 First date, what'd you do?

Speaker 12 I asked her,

Speaker 147 you know, where did she want to go?

Speaker 147 I was like, we got Taco Bell, Golden Chick, or Little Caesars. She chose Taco Bell.

Speaker 78 Wow, okay. She's Latino as well?

Speaker 69 Yes. Amazing.

Speaker 115 I was straight up with her.

Speaker 147 I was like, look, I'm O2 Eastside. I'm not really fancy.

Speaker 34 When you say O2 Eastside, what exactly do you mean by that?

Speaker 147 Born and raised here, Austin, Texas, O2 East Austin.

Speaker 34 O2 East Austin.

Speaker 38 Michael, can you translate that for me?

Speaker 39 What exactly does that mean?

Speaker 3 O2 East Austin.

Speaker 24 Pre-gentrification.

Speaker 100 Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 42 I know what that means. So it was kind of like

Speaker 121 the hood.

Speaker 82 Yeah, you could say that.

Speaker 21 Uh-huh. Yeah.

Speaker 147 yeah i mean most people do

Speaker 64 and what do you think about your lovely city uh nowadays are you one of the complaining locals that says it was better back in the day

Speaker 69 like that guy with the bucky's shirt and the hat over there

Speaker 147 i'm kind of torn between the whole gentrification thing because it's like yeah they ruined our neighborhood but they also made some of my people some money so it's kind of between the two.

Speaker 42 That's true. Yeah.
And now East Austin has sidewalks.

Speaker 147 We never had those before, so that's nice. And the police come out now if you call them.
Never had that before either.

Speaker 98 Yep.

Speaker 129 That's a thing.

Speaker 34 Sidewalks and police officers.

Speaker 20 It's amazing what's going on in here.

Speaker 101 I liked your material, Sonny.

Speaker 42 Very fun times.

Speaker 46 You are getting a big joke.

Speaker 8 But congratulations, Sonny Castillo.

Speaker 8 How fun.

Speaker 8 We're getting through it.

Speaker 154 Attention, all small biz owners. At the UPS store, you can count on us to handle your packages with care.
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Speaker 154 And with our pack and ship guarantee, when we pack it and ship it, we guarantee it. Because your items arrive safe or you'll be reimbursed.
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Speaker 116 We have another very special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 69 This is a truly inaction-packed episode.

Speaker 68 This is a Hall of Famer going up right in the middle of the goddamn show.

Speaker 49 One of the most famous regulars in the history of the show, famous for his roasting and stand-up ability, ladies and gentlemen, a rare mothership appearance by the great and powerful David Lucas, everyone.

Speaker 52 Oh

Speaker 52 my God.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 142 A plane in India just recently crashed head into England and 176 Indians died.

Speaker 142 And since that plane crash,

Speaker 142 scam calls have been down 50%.

Speaker 142 Apple has no more tech support.

Speaker 2 It's crazy.

Speaker 142 You're going to call Apple and talk to a nigga that sound like me.

Speaker 142 Can you help me with my phone? Have you turned that motherfucker off yet, bitch?

Speaker 2 Turn it off and turn it back.

Speaker 142 I can only imagine what that plane smelled like.

Speaker 108 God damn, bro.

Speaker 142 If I would have been driving that plane, I probably would have crashed it too.

Speaker 126 Oh, no.

Speaker 142 When it crashed, it probably smelled like somebody was barbecuing a goat.

Speaker 142 They're like, who is barbecuing in Otelos?

Speaker 142 It's so weird how women with purple and blue hair want us to give a fuck about the Middle East. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 142 nobody really gives a fuck about the Middle East because if you did, you'd take your ass over there.

Speaker 142 If they want me to give a fuck about the Middle East, you're going to have to give the Middle East an NFL team. That's the only way.

Speaker 102 Yo.

Speaker 142 I'd love to watch the Palestine Packers.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 142 All right, that's about tired David Lucas. Thank you.

Speaker 12 David lights out Lucas.

Speaker 51 Look at Tony.

Speaker 2 My man.

Speaker 54 How ass nigga?

Speaker 47 Oh wait, what that?

Speaker 143 You're just going to start like that, you fat motherfucker?

Speaker 45 We're just going with the...

Speaker 142 If Tony was a gamer, he'd play Call of Booty.

Speaker 82 Oh

Speaker 21 my God.

Speaker 2 Oh

Speaker 102 my God.

Speaker 95 Yo, ass zipped up, nigga?

Speaker 65 That motherfucker.

Speaker 100 I love this look.

Speaker 109 I love it.

Speaker 33 You have your own fucking equator around you.

Speaker 113 It's incredible.

Speaker 39 Look like you're ready to take a yacht trip to a McDonald's.

Speaker 142 Why you so zipped up, nigga? That HIV medicine kicking your ass, honey?

Speaker 66 Betky, KFC medicine's kicking yours.

Speaker 111 You are bigger than ever.

Speaker 142 You gayer than ever, nigga.

Speaker 142 And your face look like a baboon's ass.

Speaker 142 That motherfucker, you look like you just got slapped in the face with a cherry pie, nigga.

Speaker 142 I

Speaker 2 won't do the baboon comeback joke that I want to do right now.

Speaker 87 I'm going to reserve that and hold that back because I like working.

Speaker 142 Is that a vest? What is that, bro?

Speaker 21 It's just all.

Speaker 65 Yeah, it's a vest.

Speaker 29 What the fuck is that?

Speaker 46 What sweatshirt? Just because you.

Speaker 142 You dress like a gay sniper, nigga. Your ass.

Speaker 142 Put the scope in my ass.

Speaker 99 I love this new look, though.

Speaker 47 You look like you're going to get on an unsinkable ship of some kind.

Speaker 32 It is incredible.

Speaker 50 Are you wearing that because you eat a yacht?

Speaker 142 Get out of here, Deep Madness.

Speaker 113 Yeah, Deep Madness.

Speaker 39 Deep Madness making a big deal.

Speaker 142 T-Moo Stevie wanted to look at ass.

Speaker 58 Superstition

Speaker 13 Oh my god don't don't don't don't don't

Speaker 142 That blind ass nigga out of here laughing at that shit He never seen me or you

Speaker 142 He don't even know what gay look like, nigga, laughing.

Speaker 103 He don't know what fat look like.

Speaker 142 He can only imagine it.

Speaker 142 I probably look like a fucking rainbow cloud in that nigga head.

Speaker 39 I cannot believe you called him Timu Stevie Wonder.

Speaker 128 That is a four-year elephant in the room that we've been avoiding.

Speaker 39 I don't think he's ever going to be the same after that.

Speaker 92 This might be the first time that he doesn't come back from peeing.

Speaker 108 Oh my God. Hell yeah.

Speaker 47 Back to you, Stevie Wonder Bread, over here.

Speaker 47 Have you been, it seems like you're losing weight, isn't it?

Speaker 54 Yes, sir.

Speaker 142 I've been working out. I got to press on a trainer now.

Speaker 2 You do? Yeah.

Speaker 31 What type of workouts does he have you doing exactly?

Speaker 130 A lot of ash strains.

Speaker 98 Creditably eating hot.

Speaker 142 what what are you doing uh you do penny shoots out the ass

Speaker 114 let me get 45 penny shoots

Speaker 61 what type what type of workouts are you doing to lose the weight a whole bunch of bullshit man i hate it bro

Speaker 142 every time he'd be like we got two both sides i'd be like nigga i'm about to eat

Speaker 142 I hate working out, dog.

Speaker 142 I don't want to take the glutide shit.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 142 But I'm working out.

Speaker 123 Yeah. That's good.

Speaker 20 It's just eating less that's pretty much it this is all good greg it's been a while since you've seen david lucas uh

Speaker 6 you look great man what's up

Speaker 142 yeah you don't you look like you just got bit by a vampire

Speaker 142 yeah he got two holes on the side of his neck i got two what holes on the side of your neck you need a blood transfusion that's what i'm saying

Speaker 107 a lot of age jokes going around tonight you look symptomatic yeah yeah yeah yeah anything i say you got it yeah Yeah.

Speaker 142 Heartburn, chest pains?

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 6 Whatever it is, I take a little and drop some weight.

Speaker 6 Yeah. Take it.
Just a hint of AIDS. A couple drops of AIDS.

Speaker 92 We've got AIDS.

Speaker 109 David has cool AIDS.

Speaker 2 I don't even got one for Tony.

Speaker 3 I don't know what the fuck is.

Speaker 70 What's that thing?

Speaker 92 What happens if you pull that yellow button?

Speaker 2 Do you just

Speaker 98 fill with more air?

Speaker 98 If I pull it off, it'll go in the air, nigga.

Speaker 142 It's off-white. It's a belt.

Speaker 51 Your boyfriend.

Speaker 98 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 142 Couldn't get my joke out because Red Band wants to play these Looney Tune-ass sounds.

Speaker 2 Wait, no, pull it again.

Speaker 143 I heard something.

Speaker 76 That was.

Speaker 107 Oh, my God.

Speaker 14 Oh, my God.

Speaker 92 David, what else is going on?

Speaker 38 You want to plug something up?

Speaker 81 Man, I'm on tour like a motherfucker.

Speaker 142 I'm everywhere, bro. Tickets at DavidLucasComedy.com, bro.

Speaker 90 Next year, I'm doing Red Lobsters all around the country.

Speaker 108 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 142 Nigga, you performing at HIV clinics.

Speaker 84 Get your motherfucking

Speaker 108 all the rainbow houses across the world.

Speaker 142 You know what's crazy? In the city.

Speaker 142 So when me and my family moved to Macon, Georgia, bro, there was this thing for gay niggas called the Rainbow House. And they would house gay niggas with HIV, bro.

Speaker 142 And do you know one time somebody, a crackhead, broke into that place to try to do something? You know the word. I don't want to demonetize y'all.

Speaker 21 R

Speaker 18 rhymes with rake oh okay so a crackhead went in there trying to rake an hiv person and they but he didn't know it was an hiv house oh

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 142 that's real that's real talk it's called a rainbow house it closed out after that wow did the guy get aids i don't know but he sued the city that's crazy

Speaker 86 Isn't that interesting?

Speaker 29 Yeah, it's so weird for criminals, bro.

Speaker 142 You can sue for anything, bro. Like, you can probably sue because you turned out gay, nigga.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 79 You can sue the city of

Speaker 39 your little smoke alarm trying to change the batteries over there.

Speaker 116 That's his vape pen making that noise, everybody.

Speaker 2 The batteries, vape pen.

Speaker 142 You want me to tell you something about smoke alarms, bro?

Speaker 144 So, uh.

Speaker 98 Are you looking at your no, what are you looking at your blood pressure right now?

Speaker 58 What's going on?

Speaker 142 So, no, bro, I got a new place in Austin, bro, and uh, brand new.

Speaker 142 And uh, I was in there one week.

Speaker 142 I was in there one week, and I went to buy smoke detectors at the Home Depot. And the next day, my smoke detectors were beeping.
I think they sell niggas beeping smoke detectors.

Speaker 142 It was brand new, and it was already beeping. I didn't need to change no batteries.

Speaker 142 It's racist.

Speaker 142 I don't know a nigga without a beeping smoke detector.

Speaker 54 It's crazy.

Speaker 45 Are you sure you didn't just have something that you left in the microwave without opening the door and that wasn't trying to alert you?

Speaker 39 Because you are guilty of a great many.

Speaker 3 all right, David.

Speaker 13 You're the man.

Speaker 8 Catch him on tour, David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 101 Onward and upward.

Speaker 49 We go.

Speaker 3 Yes, the man.

Speaker 9 One more time for David Lucas, everybody.

Speaker 13 The legend.

Speaker 76 All right, this is it.

Speaker 101 Bucket pool number seven.

Speaker 42 This looks like a fun name, too.

Speaker 29 Make some noise for Deepak Panny.

Speaker 49 Deepak Panny.

Speaker 49 Come on, make some noise for Deepak, everybody.

Speaker 87 Okay, let's do this.

Speaker 153 Is it just me? Or you guys also feel like Hollywood makes slavery movies once every year?

Speaker 153 Just to whip a rich black dude for 15 minutes?

Speaker 153 Nope, just me.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 153 I mean, I know it's acting, but come on, 15 minutes.

Speaker 153 Like, please stop that.

Speaker 6 We all get it.

Speaker 153 Whips to the back are painful.

Speaker 153 And I found out whips to the back are painful in my fifth grade, actually.

Speaker 153 Relax, nothing happened to me.

Speaker 153 Wouldn't it be funny if I just came up here and went, my dad beat the shit out of me, and I can't watch slavery movies anymore?

Speaker 21 Nope.

Speaker 153 I watched Passion of the Christ.

Speaker 153 And we've all seen some kind of

Speaker 153 renightment or a play where Jesus is getting beat up.

Speaker 77 I don't know why, though.

Speaker 153 Apparently, it's not enough to say that Jesus suffered and died for our sins.

Speaker 153 We have to actually see the, you know, precious life.

Speaker 131 All right, Deepak Panny.

Speaker 45 Let me start off with this question.

Speaker 102 What?

Speaker 109 Yes, booze from the crowd. Very good.

Speaker 39 As of though you actually had to make that noise for us to know that it wasn't good.

Speaker 69 Your lack of laughter told the entire story. Deepak, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Speaker 153 Two months.

Speaker 18 Two months.

Speaker 35 And where are you from, Deepak?

Speaker 153 India.

Speaker 21 India.

Speaker 124 Oh, my goodness gracious.

Speaker 62 So you're really born and raised in India.

Speaker 70 Great Fitzsimmons.

Speaker 55 Let's check in here.

Speaker 6 Well, I think this is a direct result of you guys getting rid of the drivers in your Ubers.

Speaker 49 We're going to see a lot more of this.

Speaker 21 That is true.

Speaker 131 They're going to need stuff to do.

Speaker 90 They're going to start chasing their dreams instead of picking us up.

Speaker 42 Deepak, how long have you been in America?

Speaker 31 By the sound of your accent, I'm guessing 25 minutes?

Speaker 153 One and a half year, actually.

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 153 One and a half year.

Speaker 64 One and a half year.

Speaker 121 Adorable.

Speaker 86 And you came straight here to Austin, Texas?

Speaker 153 Nope. I study masters in Cleveland State.

Speaker 63 You what?

Speaker 153 I study masters in Cleveland State.

Speaker 34 You got your master's degree at Cleveland State?

Speaker 153 No, I'm still doing it.

Speaker 34 You're still studying.

Speaker 69 What are you trying to major in?

Speaker 2 Hopefully English?

Speaker 153 You can guess it, actually.

Speaker 153 Computer science.

Speaker 86 Computer science.

Speaker 73 Wow, Deepak.

Speaker 31 Don't you guys just automatically come with a master's degree in that?

Speaker 54 Aren't you teaching that class at Cleveland State?

Speaker 32 Okay, so what do you plan to do once you get get a computer science degree from Cleveland State?

Speaker 131 How about a hand for D-Madness coming in?

Speaker 21 He's back!

Speaker 47 What do you plan to do with your computer science degree?

Speaker 148 No idea.

Speaker 147 No idea.

Speaker 60 And

Speaker 34 how is Cleveland for you?

Speaker 111 What made you pick Cleveland, Ohio of all places?

Speaker 63 Dilapidated city.

Speaker 153 Couldn't get anywhere else.

Speaker 68 Okay.

Speaker 39 Were you not a great student?

Speaker 61 Nope.

Speaker 38 And why were you not a great student?

Speaker 69 Very rare for an Indian boy like you to not be a great student.

Speaker 153 So I was kind of good till my high school and then fell off.

Speaker 41 You think you have like a learning disability?

Speaker 21 Perhaps you have ADHD?

Speaker 2 What'd you say?

Speaker 4 I mean, ADHD?

Speaker 54 You know what I mean?

Speaker 104 When you call like

Speaker 6 Verizon wireless tech support, how long does it take until you both break into Indian?

Speaker 153 I actually talked to a scammer once. He was Pakistani, my neighbor.
So we just chatted about how did you get into this?

Speaker 3 So it was nice.

Speaker 104 He could speak Hindi.

Speaker 81 So how long, again, how long have you been in America?

Speaker 153 One and a half years.

Speaker 42 One and a half years.

Speaker 34 And what are some things that you find shocking?

Speaker 39 Like, what is super different here than India?

Speaker 153 Toilet paper.

Speaker 2 Toilet paper, yes.

Speaker 36 That's a big one.

Speaker 116 That's a big one.

Speaker 1 How, what exactly?

Speaker 85 Explain to us when you're sitting on a toilet and you've gone number two,

Speaker 39 what exactly do you do with the toilet paper?

Speaker 94 How many pieces do you think you use?

Speaker 153 I just bought a handheld bidet from Amazon and just

Speaker 6 think you lost him when you said when you sit on a toilet

Speaker 2 not hover over like a drone

Speaker 109 So you have a handheld bidet?

Speaker 153 Yeah, my ass got chapped in a month or so your ex got chappy my ass got chapped with the toilet paper so right it got chapped

Speaker 77 don't do it so you have a handheld bidet that is hooked up to your toilet directly yeah it just takes some uh plumbing takes some plumbing.

Speaker 45 Yep, no doubt about it.

Speaker 115 And so you kind of like, do you kind of like do you go like, do you go from the back side with that?

Speaker 78 Or do you go in between and up missionary position?

Speaker 3 Or do you go doggy style?

Speaker 4 Or do you...

Speaker 31 It's hard to ask questions. It's hard to find new questions in 12 years of this show, but somehow, goddammit, we managed to do it.
Explain to us the exact hand position of this hand position.

Speaker 153 I think think everyone goes front,

Speaker 153 can't do it like this.

Speaker 96 And do you look at the toilet afterwards and see some shrapnel?

Speaker 92 A little disaster area, perhaps?

Speaker 114 Butter chicken.

Speaker 153 I just do.

Speaker 153 Butter chicken's not that popular in India, actually. It's kind of sweet for us.

Speaker 21 But

Speaker 153 I just do one flush.

Speaker 153 So everything's there when I see it.

Speaker 98 Okay.

Speaker 67 Deepak, what's your love life like?

Speaker 2 You have a girlfriend?

Speaker 21 Nope. Nope.

Speaker 101 Have you been on any dates since you've been to America?

Speaker 124 Nope.

Speaker 101 Not a single date?

Speaker 124 Nope. Have you kissed an American girl? Nope.
Do you want to? Nope.

Speaker 92 No, you don't want to.

Speaker 8 Very interesting.

Speaker 78 Are you into specifically only Indian women?

Speaker 153 Nope.

Speaker 153 This might kind of sound gay, but I can't do one night stands actually.

Speaker 38 What about one night stands?

Speaker 153 Can't do it.

Speaker 96 You can't do it.

Speaker 143 You want to fall in love with somebody?

Speaker 153 No, not that. I just want to know the person before I show them my dick.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 94 And where do you think you get this from?

Speaker 31 Is this something your parents taught you or religious or something?

Speaker 153 No, but I just kind of figured it out.

Speaker 13 Have you been with a woman before? Are you a virgin?

Speaker 153 No, been with many.

Speaker 37 You've been with many?

Speaker 94 Is that what you said?

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 21 okay

Speaker 21 is that a big deal?

Speaker 87 What is that a big deal?

Speaker 61 Is that a big deal?

Speaker 153 Sorry, go on

Speaker 6 I mean you've been with many women is that is is that expensive does that add up

Speaker 107 for them

Speaker 19 I love it, Deepak.

Speaker 22 What's an interesting fun fact about you that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on this show before?

Speaker 153 I started doing comedy because I think comedy is dying right now.

Speaker 117 You think it's dying right now? Okay, that's a very interesting take.

Speaker 153 There are no more Doug Stanhopes, Bill Hicks, Carlins.

Speaker 118 Nope.

Speaker 153 There's just a bunch of people I see in the open mics trying to be cool. Retard this, retard that.

Speaker 80 You're gay.

Speaker 1 I'm autistic.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 153 So you know.

Speaker 63 I guess Deepak.

Speaker 153 The real ones here.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 109 I don't really get it, Deepak.

Speaker 13 I'm gonna get you out of here, Deepak.

Speaker 78 Have you thought about taking a plane from London back to India?

Speaker 19 Here's a little, here's a little joke book.

Speaker 117 Oh, geez.

Speaker 130 There he goes. Deepak

Speaker 17 panny, everybody.

Speaker 49 Just a little warning.

Speaker 36 There may be a suicide bombing outside after tonight's show.

Speaker 49 Just a little something to keep an eye out for. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Speaker 27 Alright.

Speaker 49 Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

Speaker 62 John Fechdel. John Bechdel.

Speaker 83 Austin, Texas, how's it going? Give it up for the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Kameni, y'all. How many of y'all are on dates here tonight because like war was declared for a second?

Speaker 83 That, oh, look, I'm scared to go to war, pussy, you know? Like, how many here? Men are dogs, am I right? Men are like dogs. White women fuck them occasionally.

Speaker 83 They took down the

Speaker 83 they took down the billboard outside my place of the kid who OD'd on fentanyl. I guess he got better.
Like, give it up for that guy. Give it up for the sleepy time tea bear.

Speaker 83 That motherfucker's been sleeping on the job for 40 fucking years. Has anyone checked him? It might be, like, the dead the entire time tea bear.
Like, motherfucker OD'd on hibiscus.

Speaker 83 Yeah, so yeah, I'm really glad we didn't go to the war because like if a new kid outside San Diego, I don't think Mountain Dew would like last after the Baja blast of 2025.

Speaker 83 Yo, those ninja turtles, they're always saying cowabunga. Those motherfuckers should be asking howabunga.
Like, I work in like food service. I have to deliver pizzas in the street.

Speaker 108 Hell yeah.

Speaker 13 John Bechtel, welcome to the show.

Speaker 102 Wow.

Speaker 31 My goodness gracious.

Speaker 98 Nice meal.

Speaker 83 I love your energy, John.

Speaker 116 I appreciate it.

Speaker 2 Tony, thank you very much. Incredible.

Speaker 66 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 83 A year and change.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 83 But like, I used to like host things like growing up and whatnot.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 133 An open mic in Chernobyl, perhaps, or something like that.

Speaker 4 Greg Fitzsimmons.

Speaker 6 Well, a year and change. I would emphasize the change part a little bit.

Speaker 83 Yeah, I've been doing stand-up for like a year or so.

Speaker 83 I like used to host like a drunk history thing.

Speaker 83 that was like my friends. It was just kind of like a group effort.
Me and these like brassy like lesbians just watching WWE.

Speaker 98 Oh, it was a blast.

Speaker 12 I love it.

Speaker 31 Did that show take place inside of a large microwave perhaps?

Speaker 103 Alley, Alleyways.

Speaker 46 You are an interesting guy.

Speaker 34 What's your ethnicity? What are you?

Speaker 83 Very white.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Yeah, no,

Speaker 83 like German-Irish.

Speaker 91 Okay, German-Irish, and you drink a lot.

Speaker 21 Oh,

Speaker 83 well, for German-Irish, you know. I try to make a good effort.
yeah no uh i've been living in texas for 25 years now um i love it like okay

Speaker 83 where were you at before that east coast baltimore okay all right and what do you do for work exactly uh i i'm a fucking waiter and it sucks right okay i've been doing that for 16 years okay yeah that's good is it is it like uh you make good money doing it uh i try to uh you know it's is it a pizza restaurant

Speaker 83 tony a genuine tony i've moved on okay i've saw i you know i've retired from the pizza what kind of restaurant is it used to be a pizza restaurant right yeah

Speaker 83 okay no i got fired from a couple of those what did you get fired for let's talk about that let's talk about the firings of john bechdel you can't ask your old dipshit boss he used to sit in the office text all the girls in the kitchen like videos of him riding his fucking bmx bike being like you like knock on the door he's like yo what the fuck do you even do at this job yeah you can't show up late after doing that.

Speaker 2 I have no idea.

Speaker 8 Somehow, I understood Deepak Pari better than once saw a guy chop his hand off.

Speaker 47 It was crazy. You saw a guy chop his hand off?

Speaker 83 Yeah, there was these like Nacogdoches twins. They're from like East Texas, you know, just whatever goes on in those woods.
Yeah, like, who knows?

Speaker 76 Uh-huh.

Speaker 83 So, this guy, this dip shit, sells me a broken PS3.

Speaker 88 The saran wrap melts.

Speaker 83 He takes this knife and we're all just looking at this guy and it's like this motherfucker.

Speaker 83 He walks over to the saran wrap,

Speaker 83 cuts it open. It's like, it's perfect.
It works. For some reason, he swings again, chops off his hand.
I never got money back for that PS3.

Speaker 103 How's it going, Austin, Texas?

Speaker 83 Give up for yourselves, y'all.

Speaker 91 John, have you ever been arrested before?

Speaker 77 Oh, actually, I have.

Speaker 54 Once.

Speaker 58 Okay. Once.

Speaker 88 What was that for?

Speaker 83 On Febby. Oh, wait, was it? It was April 18th.

Speaker 77 The night of April 18th, 2013.

Speaker 83 Look it up, y'all.

Speaker 32 You're not going to tell us?

Speaker 83 It's the night the Boston bombers got caught. So I'm watching that shit.

Speaker 83 In the drunk tank, everyone's hooting, hollering, and all these fucking cops keep on walking up up to me and you're like, you're the motherfucker who works at that goddamn sandwich restaurant.

Speaker 2 I worked in sandwiches before pizzas, Tony.

Speaker 34 John, you are something else.

Speaker 102 What are you on exactly?

Speaker 83 For legal reasons,

Speaker 83 I'm sober for two years eventually.

Speaker 46 Yeah, but seriously, what are we on?

Speaker 32 Adderall and whiskey?

Speaker 101 Or like, what is the exact combination?

Speaker 83 I smoke a lot of

Speaker 41 now legal substances.

Speaker 73 Oh, you brought out a little. You got a little gun there all of a sudden.

Speaker 8 It's Texas, Tony.

Speaker 98 Welcome to Texas.

Speaker 2 All right, thank you.

Speaker 117 I've been here five years, but yes, thank you for the big welcome.

Speaker 83 It's nice.

Speaker 2 Hey, welcome.

Speaker 33 What are you on?

Speaker 12 That's the question.

Speaker 2 Oh, I smoke a Halloween.

Speaker 143 You smoke a Halloween, but where do you get this energy from?

Speaker 83 Okay, I can't get diagnosed.

Speaker 83 For, you know, Asperger's or autism. They're just like, you're annoying.

Speaker 97 Okay. So, you know.

Speaker 6 I would get another opinion on that.

Speaker 83 I rely on my friends with hourless.

Speaker 31 You know what?

Speaker 13 It's a very, very rare happening.

Speaker 38 Only once every few months does Matt Muelling, our electric guitarist, speak up. He has asked permission to speak, and he will speak now.

Speaker 33 This is Matt Muelling.

Speaker 147 John Dees also smokes a hell of a weed.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but his weed is white.

Speaker 32 His weed is green.

Speaker 39 John, here you go, buddy.

Speaker 91 Here's a little joke book coming at you. John Bechtel, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 Good night, y'all.

Speaker 114 He's now done.

Speaker 42 There goes John Bechtel.

Speaker 131 We've had some wild bucket pulls here tonight.

Speaker 101 All right, here's another one.

Speaker 49 This is a very interesting name yet again.

Speaker 49 And the name is I Am Frank. Make some noise for I Am Frank.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 111 Hello, Kill Tony Universe.

Speaker 155 It's great to be back.

Speaker 147 You know,

Speaker 155 they told me that my comedy would take a huge step forward if I told jokes that my audience here in Austin found more relatable. Oh.

Speaker 135 So I no longer trust black people.

Speaker 65 Why are their pants so low?

Speaker 155 No, relax, folks. It's only jokes.

Speaker 114 It's only jokes. And that joke is funny,

Speaker 6 D-Madness,

Speaker 87 because I too am a black man.

Speaker 111 Didn't want to leave him in the dark on that one.

Speaker 21 No, no, no. Okay.

Speaker 155 I don't think everyone here in Austin is racist, but it's hard not to feel that way when you've seen the things I've seen.

Speaker 155 Someone called me the N-word in traffic.

Speaker 147 Yeah.

Speaker 51 I cut him off, but

Speaker 120 it was he got unusually perturbed, started yelling slurs,

Speaker 147 swide-swiped me.

Speaker 155 He even threw banana peels at my car.

Speaker 155 That's when I said, I will never play Mario Kart online in this city again.

Speaker 127 No.

Speaker 135 Yes, I have.

Speaker 41 Okay, did it go better last time?

Speaker 32 It went exactly how it was supposed to go.

Speaker 59 Okay.

Speaker 101 What does that mean exactly?

Speaker 155 It went exactly how it was supposed to go.

Speaker 21 That's what it meant.

Speaker 42 Someone just pointed out that his zipper is down, and that is very sad.

Speaker 59 This is really, we've really taken a turn here.

Speaker 15 It's very, very interesting what's happening tonight.

Speaker 13 Some very rugged bucket pools.

Speaker 67 I don't know if they're underprepared or maybe the nerves are getting to them.

Speaker 83 How do you feel, Frank, right now?

Speaker 64 How do you feel? You're looking out there into the crowd.

Speaker 22 You're staring at them deep in their souls.

Speaker 65 Bro, we're here.

Speaker 97 We're here to kill Tony.

Speaker 70 You are correct.

Speaker 77 What's up with the wrap around your arm there?

Speaker 135 Did something happen?

Speaker 21 Yes.

Speaker 73 What happened?

Speaker 43 It's very tragic.

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 155 I donated.

Speaker 87 I donated plasma today.

Speaker 64 Okay, you do that to make money.

Speaker 85 From time to time, yeah, I do it.

Speaker 62 How much money did you get from your plasma today?

Speaker 95 I'm not sure.

Speaker 116 You didn't even pay attention to the amount of money that you got paid strategically for donating plasma, which is what you did to get money today?

Speaker 155 You know, it's not about the money for me, Tony.

Speaker 128 I'm in it for the love of the game.

Speaker 107 All right.

Speaker 92 Frank, you got a little joke book last time?

Speaker 101 We're just going to keep it moving, Frank.

Speaker 111 How about a hand for Frank, everybody?

Speaker 21 I am Frank.

Speaker 97 I'm gonna fix this.

Speaker 66 I'm gonna fix the momentum in the room right now by doing something absolutely insane.

Speaker 74 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage a man

Speaker 112 who

Speaker 3 is

Speaker 101 eventually going to be a citizen of the United States of America.

Speaker 101 A man

Speaker 36 who remains at this moment

Speaker 8 the Estonian assassin.

Speaker 49 This is a brand new set from the one and only Ari Matty

Speaker 49 Yo yo

Speaker 156 You know how they're like

Speaker 156 diversifying all the movie franchises now

Speaker 156 They're making like a gay James Bond

Speaker 156 He's gotta suck so much dick,

Speaker 95 to get those passwords.

Speaker 156 They're doing taken, you know, taken with Liam Neeson.

Speaker 156 They're doing one with a black dad.

Speaker 104 The phone just keeps ringing.

Speaker 2 Sorry, baby.

Speaker 156 Had to make a stop.

Speaker 6 Feminists are upset.

Speaker 156 They're trying to cancel the new Catwoman movie that's coming out because the new Catwoman is Zoe Kravitz.

Speaker 120 A banging bitch.

Speaker 156 And the feminists are saying, why does Catwoman always have to be some supermodel? Why couldn't Catwoman be like a plus size model?

Speaker 156 she needs to climb

Speaker 79 you ever see a fat cat

Speaker 156 bitch you can't be catwoman you can be garfield

Speaker 79 thank you so much

Speaker 8 There is levels to this, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 39 And there he is, the arrival.

Speaker 46 Look at that shirt.

Speaker 47 You're so patriotic.

Speaker 13 God damn right.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 58 That's a happy 4th of July, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 7 Absolutely.

Speaker 156 So excited. It was my first Independence Day.

Speaker 12 Tell us, tell us how you, what did you do?

Speaker 61 How did you enjoy it?

Speaker 156 Well, it was just fun being in a country where I can celebrate victory for once.

Speaker 77 In Estonia we don't have any of that fucking woohoo!

Speaker 77 We did it!

Speaker 95 Every one of our holidays is like on this day.

Speaker 144 50,000 men, women and children

Speaker 95 taken against their will.

Speaker 103 We got fucked!

Speaker 38 Estonia gets historically kind of bullied by the bigger countries around it, huh?

Speaker 81 Well, yeah, we're tiny. Uh-huh.

Speaker 120 Yeah, it's hard.

Speaker 147 We'll do whatever everyone else is doing, you know?

Speaker 66 Did you guys ever win like a big battle? Nothing like it?

Speaker 87 Nothing really?

Speaker 51 Well, uh...

Speaker 156 When the Soviet Union collapsed, we kind of, we did a thing where we just sang.

Speaker 65 Ah, perfect.

Speaker 112 Okay.

Speaker 156 Guess that counts.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 86 And you guys do that?

Speaker 12 Is that like a holiday there?

Speaker 18 It's like a singing day?

Speaker 156 Yeah, we sing all the time. We get together.
We sing these horrible songs.

Speaker 127 You know.

Speaker 156 None of them are banger.

Speaker 33 John Dees wants you to.

Speaker 27 Is there like a famous one?

Speaker 136 No, no, no, no, no. You don't want to sing a little Estonian fucking.

Speaker 156 You don't actually don't know any of the lyrics. That's the issue.

Speaker 156 I've literally just mumbled along my whole fucking life.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 Greg Fitzsimmons.

Speaker 6 Do you, whenever you, first of all, it's always great to see you. You're fucking great.

Speaker 52 You're fucking great.

Speaker 6 But what, uh, is there ever going to be like a homecoming? Like, is there an arena to play in East Tony? Is there like a big venue you want to go home someday and play? Yeah, I've done it.

Speaker 82 Oh, you have? Yeah.

Speaker 74 Oh. It's an arena?

Speaker 104 Not American standards.

Speaker 95 You know, it's

Speaker 156 80s eater. You know, it's a fucking

Speaker 156 biggest venues we got, you know.

Speaker 3 Nice.

Speaker 82 Very packed it out. Yeah.

Speaker 127 81, baby.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 71 What do you like to do when you go home?

Speaker 156 I, well, I've sauna, you know, dick out sauna, dick out sauna.

Speaker 156 I go to the bog. You know, you ever been to a bog?

Speaker 65 No. What's a bog?

Speaker 21 Bog. A bog.
A bog. What's a bog?

Speaker 2 You know what a bog is. I have no idea.

Speaker 38 Nobody knows what a bog is.

Speaker 105 It's like a...

Speaker 4 Yeah, see?

Speaker 111 Oh, and a bog.

Speaker 65 Who knows? A bog, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Springs.

Speaker 156 It's like, yes, no, not not springs, springs, but

Speaker 156 it's a dirty little spring.

Speaker 86 It's a dirty spring.

Speaker 112 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 156 But it's quiet, you know.

Speaker 95 Yeah. Not a lot of ethnic people.

Speaker 104 It's serene.

Speaker 6 Nobody talks too loud.

Speaker 104 Everyone wears headphones.

Speaker 65 It's like Shrek, like Swamp.

Speaker 57 Yeah, Shrek.

Speaker 156 That was a big movie for us.

Speaker 103 It was.

Speaker 156 Shrek is about an imperialistic government taking a man's swamp.

Speaker 156 It's our Schindler's list.

Speaker 156 Well, we got that swamp back, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 106 The jokes were just unbelievable tonight.

Speaker 65 I mean, thanks.

Speaker 70 Probably the best set of the night.

Speaker 121 I mean, absolutely incredible.

Speaker 34 All of it's so funny.

Speaker 2 A movie-themed

Speaker 31 set because shit is crazy out there.

Speaker 69 They are really making some movies.

Speaker 156 Yeah, make your own shit, bitch.

Speaker 31 Yeah, they're doing some wacky stuff.

Speaker 89 I watched

Speaker 72 Gladiator 2, and Denzel Washington's just in it.

Speaker 86 He's just in it throughout, and it just is impossible to not every time just go like, what's going on?

Speaker 98 What are we doing here?

Speaker 51 Just a regular old Roman black guy.

Speaker 58 As we know.

Speaker 156 Yeah, no one's acting weird.

Speaker 80 Everyone's like, yeah, sure, tell us what to do.

Speaker 116 He's giving orders to other Romans and stuff.

Speaker 12 It's like, just so it's pretty wild.

Speaker 2 Like, we always suspend belief in movies, right?

Speaker 34 But, like, really stands out when they try to do these serious things.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 89 They're really doing a black, uh, black takin.

Speaker 65 I hope so.

Speaker 6 It's called Took.

Speaker 137 It's a movie about somebody's wallet.

Speaker 2 I have a very

Speaker 104 set of skills to stay the fuck away from my family.

Speaker 85 Very fun.

Speaker 109 Well, Ari, I mean, you absolutely fucking destroyed.

Speaker 58 You did it again, Ari and Maddie, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 66 We're going into overtime here.

Speaker 21 Let's get one more bucket full up here.

Speaker 49 Make some noise for Kelly Lusk, everyone.

Speaker 10 Kelly Lusk.

Speaker 21 Our 10th bucket full.

Speaker 127 Hello, everyone.

Speaker 157 So, um, I have this gay friend, and he's gotten into some pretty wild butt stuff lately. So, now, whenever he farts, it just goes...

Speaker 157 Tony has the same thing.

Speaker 103 You know what I'm talking about, right, Tony?

Speaker 158 Yeah, he's probably over there hawking right now.

Speaker 118 Yeah.

Speaker 157 My friend's name is David, but I call him Anal Cave Dave.

Speaker 157 I think that's appropriate.

Speaker 157 And then then he recently told me that he started getting into feet.

Speaker 157 He likes sucking on toes.

Speaker 157 And I was like, oh man, if somebody was like sucking on my toe, the only thing I could think about is when I go get a pedicure, the fucking cheese grater they bring out to grate the parmesan off of my feet.

Speaker 157 It's like at Olive Garden, people.

Speaker 157 Tell me when.

Speaker 122 Okay, I'm done.

Speaker 19 Fucking disgusting.

Speaker 84 I know.

Speaker 12 Kelly Lusk.

Speaker 13 Right back to that bucket.

Speaker 17 We have a demented bucket here tonight.

Speaker 62 I don't know if anybody's paying attention to it.

Speaker 62 We have been saved by a lot of golden ticket winners and regulars.

Speaker 131 Sir Winston Pickles was the highlight of the bucket.

Speaker 8 How was that?

Speaker 11 I was curious.

Speaker 101 You know Sir Winston Pickles?

Speaker 157 I saw him, and I was like very curious how that went.

Speaker 97 Yeah, oh, it's great.

Speaker 11 We love Sir Winston Pickles.

Speaker 157 Fantastic.

Speaker 98 I can't wait to watch. Yep, yep.

Speaker 42 You're going to see it. You might want to skip your part.

Speaker 66 Kelly, last time you were on, you brought an adorable picture of you and your sister.

Speaker 58 That's right.

Speaker 111 Her sister looked like a cute, normal little girl, and Kelly looked like her.

Speaker 127 She's a Samoan boy. Like her.

Speaker 6 Is your sister Rosie O'Donnell?

Speaker 157 So many comments about the Rosie O'Donnell. A lot of comments about that, yeah.

Speaker 70 Kelly, tell us something we didn't learn about you last time you were on.

Speaker 157 Let's see. Something really weird about me is I have this thing called mesophonia where like weird like noises make me go into a rage.

Speaker 157 It's normally like mouth noises, you know, like smacking.

Speaker 98 Exactly. That.

Speaker 4 All right, right, bam.

Speaker 159 It makes you go from like zero to like, I will fucking murder you if you don't stop. Like, like that.

Speaker 35 And have you, uh,

Speaker 109 what's the angriest that you've gotten in public or something?

Speaker 157 Like, okay, so I was working with this girl one time, and she was like popping her gum, and she just over and over and over again. And like, she didn't know I had this issue, or whatever.

Speaker 157 And she just kept doing it. And I just turned around.
I was like, if you don't fucking stop popping your gum, I'm going to smack you in the face.

Speaker 127 I just totally went off on her. Wow.

Speaker 157 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 34 Madness is a master of mouth noises.

Speaker 103 Oh.

Speaker 41 Do you got anything for us?

Speaker 122 What do you got?

Speaker 22 Any fun mouth noises?

Speaker 110 There you go.

Speaker 8 Nice.

Speaker 8 All right, Kelly, we're going to keep it moving.

Speaker 9 There goes Kelly Lusk, your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 100 There she goes.

Speaker 37 Thank you, Kelly.

Speaker 17 And now, I mean, what an episode.

Speaker 35 What kind of episode has Jack Shaw, Fiona Cauley, David Lucas, Ari Matty,

Speaker 76 Sir Winston Pickles?

Speaker 17 Who could forget some of the low lights tonight?

Speaker 101 Offender, Sonny Castillo, John Bechtel.

Speaker 76 I am Frank was very sad.

Speaker 58 There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the all-time record holder for appearances, interviews, sets, everything.

Speaker 49 The man has done it all.

Speaker 49 God's favorite comedian, a man that they call the Memphis Strangler, the the vanilla gorilla, brought to you by Nick and OpenPhone, the Nicked nuisance, the Open Phone Opus.

Speaker 49 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

Speaker 141 If an alien spaceship crashed right in front of me, me, I'd probably assume I was about to encounter a female alien.

Speaker 141 I found out recently Michael Jackson had my favorite amusement ride, The Zipper, at his Neverland Ranch. You know how awesome it would have been to go there as a kid?

Speaker 141 Ever been in a situation where you wanted to smoke weed, but it wasn't 4.20?

Speaker 53 It's like 10.45 a.m.

Speaker 114 Well, here's a quick stoner hack.

Speaker 141 Go to your oven set to 420 degrees. Doesn't matter if you don't have anything to cook.
And then when you're done smoking, you're like, I want to keep smoking. No problem.

Speaker 2 Keep your oven at 4.20.

Speaker 141 Saddest thing was standing in line at Dollar General and out of nowhere turned gay.

Speaker 105 Okay, I turned gay, Tony, at the Dollar General.

Speaker 61 But why? Why would you do that?

Speaker 24 As at the Dollar General, isn't that what happens?

Speaker 114 People just turn gay?

Speaker 141 I thought people just turned gay.

Speaker 128 But why? Why would they?

Speaker 88 Born that way? Why would they?

Speaker 105 I think people just turn gay.

Speaker 91 Why would they turn gay at Dollar General?

Speaker 141 Because I'm at the Dollar General standing in line.

Speaker 114 I'm thinking, I don't know, but that's just where I turn gay.

Speaker 141 So with the story in my head, that was what it was.

Speaker 114 I just turned gay.

Speaker 20 What were you getting at the Dollar General?

Speaker 131 What do you like to shop for at Dollar General?

Speaker 77 Hawaiian Punch. Ooh, yeah.

Speaker 19 What else?

Speaker 39 What else do you like to get at Dollar General? Huh?

Speaker 2 Marshmallows.

Speaker 51 Ooh, okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I love marshmallows, Hawaiian punch. Okay, what else do you get at Dollar Jelly?

Speaker 114 Cream spinach is always good there in the cans.

Speaker 51 Oh, all right.

Speaker 114 Milk, 2% milk.

Speaker 107 Okay.

Speaker 114 Maybe a toy or something. I don't know, Tony.

Speaker 104 But yeah.

Speaker 101 What kind of toys? What kind of toys have you bought at Dollar Jelly?

Speaker 51 Oh, man.

Speaker 114 You get the little Legos.

Speaker 103 This guy doesn't want to hear about any of it, Tony.

Speaker 2 He doesn't give a shit.

Speaker 86 It is such an odd time to use the restroom.

Speaker 141 Is that your husband, sir?

Speaker 98 Oh, you wish.

Speaker 102 Wow.

Speaker 17 Doing a little crowd work over here.

Speaker 108 This guy's on fire tonight. I'm sorry.

Speaker 114 I'm on one tonight.

Speaker 134 I have, again, my clodged carotid arteries, so I'm trying to live life to the fullest.

Speaker 114 I have 10 years.

Speaker 86 The doctors gave him 10 years to live.

Speaker 89 Yep.

Speaker 114 So just trying to live life to the fullest and having a good time. And it was raining.
raining It was so weird I actually was at one of those camps.

Speaker 110 Oh No

Speaker 105 No, there's a hundred I was helping look for people.

Speaker 41 There's a hundred people dead William I was helping looking for people.

Speaker 114 Did you see the article today about the the Navy diver up in the helicopter? I was with that guy.

Speaker 91 What were you doing exactly with him?

Speaker 114 I was lowering the rope down.

Speaker 104 It was on this pulley system and I had to lower the rope down really fast.

Speaker 89 And this is their video

Speaker 114 and I do it back up.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 46 You're in charge of that?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 104 How many people?

Speaker 114 They knew I was doing all the rowing and they're like, okay, this guy's going to be strong enough. And yeah, I helped save 100 people this weekend.

Speaker 14 Wow.

Speaker 64 Amazing.

Speaker 137 I'm surprised nobody clapped for that. That's incredible.

Speaker 82 Yeah, a little fucked up.

Speaker 82 A little fucked up.

Speaker 31 So, what types of people did you save?

Speaker 61 What did they look like?

Speaker 114 Oh my gosh. It was, well, this was a bunch of whites.
I was thinking maybe

Speaker 134 Hispanic people or something, but it was mainly white people at these camps.

Speaker 72 Very interesting.

Speaker 63 Why do you think that is?

Speaker 72 Why do you think there's so many white people at camps?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 114 Honkies be crazy, man.

Speaker 53 I mean, honkies, I don't know.

Speaker 24 I was always, I would always be scared of getting homesick.

Speaker 114 So I never, I only went to day camps growing up.

Speaker 127 Ooh,

Speaker 29 day camp.

Speaker 94 What did you like to do at day camp?

Speaker 114 Fuck. I used to love making pottery at day camp.
I used to love going in the lake.

Speaker 134 all kinds of stuff. It was really fun.

Speaker 106 I'm trying to think of more stuff.

Speaker 58 Yeah, take it nice and slow.

Speaker 94 Think of some stuff that you love to do at camp.

Speaker 19 Name something.

Speaker 134 Red band, help me.

Speaker 14 No, no, Red Band. No, Red Band can't help you.

Speaker 22 This

Speaker 60 can't be part of the thing.

Speaker 64 You got to just think of things on your own.

Speaker 47 What would you do at the camp?

Speaker 38 Why don't you name some more things you get at Dollar General then?

Speaker 114 Some motherfucking.

Speaker 101 freezing up maybe a motherfucking slinky

Speaker 110 yeah yeah yeah maybe

Speaker 52 uh

Speaker 42 it's kind of fun it's kind of kind of fun to do you

Speaker 2 maybe a motherfucking candy ball

Speaker 2 oh i like this oh okay

Speaker 51 um

Speaker 147 maybe

Speaker 147 uh

Speaker 105 basketball

Speaker 114 they got basketballs for a dollar yes at dollar general are they like tiny about

Speaker 29 okay?

Speaker 134 What else?

Speaker 121 Maybe a motherfucking live-action Snow White dog.

Speaker 104 No, not that, dumbass.

Speaker 151 God, you know how to really fucking butcher a fun thing Tony and I are doing together, dumbass.

Speaker 114 Yeah,

Speaker 53 fucking idiot.

Speaker 10 Maybe a motherfucking marble.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 2 A single Marble.

Speaker 7 No.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 115 Maybe an apple.

Speaker 2 These people are not energy.

Speaker 104 I'm sweating and

Speaker 2 you are.

Speaker 133 Your carotid arteries acting up.

Speaker 114 I know.

Speaker 134 My neck is constantly hurting now, Tony. It feels like my neck, it feels like I can feel the plaque in my neck.

Speaker 4 Wait a minute.

Speaker 53 It's fun to be here, Tony.

Speaker 20 What else do you get at Dollar General, William?

Speaker 53 Shit, Tony. I mean, I've been getting a bunch of puzzles!

Speaker 116 He loves puzzles.

Speaker 114 I know. I'm still stuck on one, Tony.
It's been a month.

Speaker 42 What's the puzzle that you're stuck on right now?

Speaker 114 It has all these women's hands with different colored fingernail polish.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 114 They're like grabbing stuff on a table, and it's like a couple lobsters, it's different seafood items, but the hands are hard as fuck. And the table's a white table.
So it's just a really hard puzzle.

Speaker 104 So I'm about to call it quits.

Speaker 134 And I bought two more, so I have two more ready in the chamber, but I'm about to call it quits on this one.

Speaker 124 You got puzzles in the chamber.

Speaker 114 I got two of them in the chamber, Tony.

Speaker 21 Oh, wow.

Speaker 94 You got puzzles in the chamber.

Speaker 124 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 69 What are the other puzzles that you have in the chamber, William?

Speaker 82 Oh, well, I'm really looking forward to the one.

Speaker 134 It's like somebody just opened a refrigerator. So it's a bunch of different foods in the refrigerator.

Speaker 131 What types of foods are in the refrigerator?

Speaker 104 Fuck, we're talking watermelon.

Speaker 114 I don't know, sandwiches, all different kinds of stuff.

Speaker 66 William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 29 The red goat is thriving.

Speaker 50 Business is booming.

Speaker 53 The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 49 E-belt is in.

Speaker 53 Make some goddamn noise for the great Greg Fitzsimmons.

Speaker 8 He's going to La Jolla, Pottsdown, PA, Point Pleasant, New Jersey.

Speaker 16 FitzDog.com, F-I-T-Z-D-O-G.com.

Speaker 36 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight live in-house.

Speaker 51 Ooh, all right, Maddie.

Speaker 100 Look at that.

Speaker 66 How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Speaker 92 Thank you to Nicked, Nicotine, Pouches, and Open Phone.

Speaker 36 This was so much. Did you guys have fun tonight?

Speaker 37 So did we, Red Band.

Speaker 83 Check out the Sunset Strip, SunsetStripATX.com. Love you guys.

Speaker 50 We love you guys.

Speaker 53 Thank you so much.

Speaker 52 Good night, everybody.

Speaker 158 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 158 Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday.

Speaker 158 Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.