#727 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

Speaker 6 hey this is red man coming live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get up for toy it's clay

Speaker 9 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh?

Speaker 10 Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 10 And that

Speaker 10 is

Speaker 10 the best damn band in all the land, everybody.

Speaker 12 I bought one more dive for them.

Speaker 10 There you go.

Speaker 16 That is Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 12 That's Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 13 John D's on the keys.

Speaker 21 And this is indeed the one and only D-Madness live in the flesh.

Speaker 10 We are here.

Speaker 10 We are live.

Speaker 17 The number one live comedy podcast in the world.

Speaker 24 And we're very excited.

Speaker 26 We have have an amazing episode for you before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible

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Speaker 37 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Speaker 13 Every single week I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show.

Speaker 41 This is a special one because not only are these two of the greats, not only are these two guys up for for guest of the year right now, but it's also two of the younger Bucks that fucking just moved here from the East Coast.

Speaker 41 Ladies and gentlemen, two of the greats.

Speaker 49 Make some noise for the great.

Speaker 45 Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly.

Speaker 45 Yes.

Speaker 45 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 11 Joe DeRosa tripped on his way out.

Speaker 45 Absolutely perfect. Millions of people saw it.

Speaker 45 Millions of people saw you trip.

Speaker 5 You tripped.

Speaker 15 You could have done anything and you tripped the second you came out, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 52 Dwart, the internet's laughing at you right now.

Speaker 53 That was never there before.

Speaker 3 Why did you add that set?

Speaker 14 That is true.

Speaker 18 There is a little lift there that wasn't there before.

Speaker 55 Why is there a lift now?

Speaker 56 Well, we have a brand new custom table, and it comes all in one giant.

Speaker 58 This whole thing's a part of it. It's a chunk.

Speaker 59 Boy, you're all zipped up for 98-degree weather.

Speaker 18 Oh, my friend, I got news for you. Look at that.

Speaker 17 70 degrees.

Speaker 15 Flat. 54% humidity.

Speaker 61 70.7%.

Speaker 26 Because I knew you were going to talk shit about this light windbreaker being fucking zipped up.

Speaker 65 Light windbreaker?

Speaker 66 Why do you have it zipped above your Adam's apple race?

Speaker 18 Because I like it like that. I like it like that.

Speaker 69 That's how I like it.

Speaker 12 I protect my neck.

Speaker 69 I don't know so that people don't see these little rolls that you have there.

Speaker 8 Those are.

Speaker 70 I did those on purple.

Speaker 5 Hey, whose neck am I?

Speaker 5 Joe DeRosa's neck.

Speaker 15 Make some noise for the great Tim Butterly is here, everybody.

Speaker 72 The newest resident of Austin, Texas, fresh this week.

Speaker 73 Do you guys see how smoothly I walked out here?

Speaker 5 Yes, not a single trip, no rolls in his neck, looking beautiful.

Speaker 75 Making it look easy.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 17 Tim Butterly has the Tim Butterly show on YouTube and Metal Girl Solid.

Speaker 3 He's on social media at Tim Butterly.

Speaker 19 Joe DeRosa is a brand new special, July 21st at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube.

Speaker 48 You guys have both been guests on the show.

Speaker 77 You know how it works.

Speaker 28 For those of you that might not know, perhaps you're an innocent girlfriend dragged here tonight by your podcast loving boyfriend.

Speaker 40 And you just hear us in the background and you don't know what he's laughing at every Monday at 8 p.m.

Speaker 48 Well, over 200 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show.

Speaker 28 They are stacked all together next door at a dingy bar, hoping that we pull their name out.

Speaker 48 If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 82 That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set.

Speaker 40 And then I conduct an interview.

Speaker 86 We find out more about them, what they could be talking about, what is interesting about their lives.

Speaker 48 The entire thing is improvised.

Speaker 40 Anything can happen.

Speaker 27 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 37 It's pretty. I'm gonna tell you,

Speaker 15 you're a pretty like polite audience.

Speaker 17 The show's a little more rock and roll than that.

Speaker 37 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 10 There you go.

Speaker 87 That's what we expect throughout the episode.

Speaker 21 So if you guys need to order a shot at Tequila or something, fucking do it now.

Speaker 80 Let loose.

Speaker 40 You're in the middle of Texas at the number one comedy show in the world.

Speaker 88 And we shall start it with a golden ticket winner, everybody.

Speaker 55 We're going to get that other bucket pool wrangled from next door.

Speaker 25 And while we do, we have a man standing right behind that curtain.

Speaker 37 he won a golden ticket in Portland Oregon I do believe about five six seven years ago and he's here with a brand new minute starting tonight's show with a minute of comedy this is Todd Royce

Speaker 92 what's going on Austin

Speaker 92 I uh I don't know if this is weird when I was 13 years old my stepdad taught me how to masturbate

Speaker 92 and I don't, listen, I give him credit because at that age, all of my friends were being taught the birds and the bees.

Speaker 92 But Dale looked at me and was like, Todd's going to have to learn how to take care of himself.

Speaker 92 So he called me into his room and showed me how to jerk off on a banana with a banana, his banana, his dick. He jerked off in front of me.

Speaker 92 And here's the weird part. This is what has always stuck out in my memory is that he wasn't even erect at all, which hurt, you know, like,

Speaker 92 well, look, I just feel like if you're going to sexually assault a child, you should be on your A-game, you know?

Speaker 94 Like,

Speaker 74 fluff it up a little bit, smack it around, or whatever you got to do.

Speaker 74 Plus, how who can't get hard with these tits?

Speaker 92 And I was young, they were perky, you know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 95 thank you.

Speaker 95 One more, one more.

Speaker 92 When he finished, he told, well, he didn't finish.

Speaker 92 He wasn't like, watch, this is the best part.

Speaker 92 But when he was done, he told me, whatever you do, please don't tell your mom about this. And I immediately told my mom about this.

Speaker 74 And, well, look, I'm sorry.

Speaker 92 I know snitches get stitches, but if you show me your cock, I'm going to talk.

Speaker 16 Thank you.

Speaker 7 Okay, Todd Royce.

Speaker 16 Welcome, welcome. Is that true?

Speaker 58 Did you get molested?

Speaker 5 That's true, yeah.

Speaker 54 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 5 That is incredible.

Speaker 92 This is starting to make more sense now. Yeah.

Speaker 89 Were you molested by the Burger King or something?

Speaker 19 Who was this exactly?

Speaker 17 What makes you want to eat obsessively after being molested?

Speaker 92 I get hard every time I see a clown with some cheeseburgers.

Speaker 92 Jesus, Red Band.

Speaker 95 Again,

Speaker 95 look at Red Band right now.

Speaker 92 Look at Red Band representing Palm Springs.

Speaker 38 Look at this.

Speaker 92 And then you're making fun of me.

Speaker 97 Do you realize how fucked up that is?

Speaker 5 Red Band didn't say anything.

Speaker 74 No, it was the only.

Speaker 98 Oh, oh, I see.

Speaker 67 You're right.

Speaker 5 You did make fun of him.

Speaker 6 You He's twice the weight as me.

Speaker 39 What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 26 Twice the weight as a red band, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 27 Let's get back to this molestation thing that you tried to fucking segue into Red Band's fat jokes, which doesn't really work.

Speaker 26 That's like me calling Joe DeRosa gay.

Speaker 19 Like I'm gayer than Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 100 That is true.

Speaker 17 So you calling Red Band fat really doesn't work at all, even though when you're not here, he is morbidly obese.

Speaker 53 Right.

Speaker 40 But you, my friend, I mean, you have hours to live.

Speaker 19 So I want to get this interview.

Speaker 101 I want to get to it here.

Speaker 5 This is absolutely incredible, Todd.

Speaker 60 By the way, real quick, D.

Speaker 54 Oh, wow.

Speaker 17 Okay, you go right the fuck ahead, Todd.

Speaker 68 Do whatever the fuck you want.

Speaker 5 Welcome to Kill Todd, everybody.

Speaker 15 Brought to you by carbohydrates.

Speaker 7 Jesus fucking Christ.

Speaker 54 Good Lord.

Speaker 5 Sorry, you're right. Go ahead.

Speaker 56 You're goddamn right.

Speaker 15 Son of a fucking bitch.

Speaker 56 I want to talk about you getting molested. Okay.

Speaker 5 The world wants to know.

Speaker 56 So take us through it.

Speaker 5 Who was it exactly?

Speaker 92 It was my third stepdad.

Speaker 5 Your third stepdad.

Speaker 76 Wow. Yes.

Speaker 19 I know steps are rough for you, but stepdads, that's incredible.

Speaker 5 Holy shit.

Speaker 92 I've had more dads than I've had girlfriends.

Speaker 53 Okay, let's just stick with the interview, Todd.

Speaker 12 This whole fucking riffing thing in between everything really isn't cutting it for me.

Speaker 56 So let's talk for a second because I need to gather information about this.

Speaker 91 It's your third stepdad.

Speaker 103 Yes. So what's wrong with your mom?

Speaker 5 How many, what is going on there?

Speaker 56 How many stepdads have you had?

Speaker 67 Five.

Speaker 104 Jesus Christ, she marries all these guys?

Speaker 92 Well, yeah, that's how they became my stepdad.

Speaker 56 Yeah, but that's crazy.

Speaker 84 Does she know you don't have to marry every fucking guy that throws it in her fucking dilapidated, dilapidated?

Speaker 106 I want you to hear dilapidated vagina.

Speaker 17 I need to make sure you hear me talking about your mother's vagina very clearly.

Speaker 22 That makes no sense there whatsoever.

Speaker 80 Now I'm just being fucking bombarded from every angle from fat guys.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 3 So, your third stepdad, and what exactly does he do to you?

Speaker 3 Did he really use a banana?

Speaker 92 No, no, no, no. That was the...

Speaker 92 He actually showed me with his dick. He pulled his pants down and showed me how to masturbate.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 88 And he was just doing it to himself.

Speaker 92 He was, yeah. And then, and, but then he did, you know, when you show someone how to do something, you want to make sure they learn.
So he had me show him that.

Speaker 3 You do it. So you did it.

Speaker 92 How old were you?

Speaker 94 13.

Speaker 55 Wow.

Speaker 58 That was the first time you masturbated?

Speaker 92 That was the first time I masturbated.

Speaker 94 Pretty late.

Speaker 53 13 is kind of late, right?

Speaker 5 This is about 11, 12, 11.

Speaker 7 12, 11, yeah.

Speaker 92 Well, I've been humping the floor for a while.

Speaker 19 Ah, see?

Speaker 74 I think that's actually why he wanted to show me somebody dropped some chips down there.

Speaker 51 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 89 Humping the floor.

Speaker 59 Look at you.

Speaker 19 You can't even do that now with your dick touching the floor.

Speaker 46 Your dick's elevated if you lay down on your belly nowadays, isn't it?

Speaker 14 A little bit. A little bit.

Speaker 76 A little bit less.

Speaker 92 That's why I was glad when he wanted me to show him. At least someone could look at it.

Speaker 52 So incredible.

Speaker 103 So did you masturbate to completion in front of your third stepdad?

Speaker 93 I did not. No.
Wow.

Speaker 24 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 5 Did you get hard?

Speaker 112 No. No.

Speaker 93 Believe it or not. So you failed?

Speaker 54 I did, yeah.

Speaker 92 I am not good at masturbating.

Speaker 85 And you're not good at getting molested.

Speaker 68 What a buzzkill this is.

Speaker 94 Yeah, no, I know.

Speaker 22 You're supposed to fucking like, come.

Speaker 5 Am I right, PayPal? All right.

Speaker 14 So anyway.

Speaker 75 Was it at all like

Speaker 113 learning how to drive where he's like, you're doing it wrong?

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 92 Well, it was a lot like, you know, you have to like work the shift and everything like that.

Speaker 74 Feather it.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 92 Yeah. No, it was, uh, there was a couple times where he was like giving me instructions.
He's like, no, not like this, like this. And just, you know,

Speaker 92 this feels very awkward.

Speaker 74 This feels like a really weird meeting.

Speaker 92 This is the...

Speaker 3 welcome to Kill Tony

Speaker 37 This is the interview portion of the show where sometimes we talk about things that you don't get to control Todd.

Speaker 68 It's true.

Speaker 15 This is like I feel like your sixth stepdad right now teaching you how to go through an interview process

Speaker 5 And you are soft.

Speaker 38 That is

Speaker 74 Todd.

Speaker 115 I will say I thought your material was excellent. Oh, thank you.

Speaker 98 I actually thought, I think you, because it actually did happen, I think you have to figure out a way to make the audience realize like, no, you're telling the truth at that that point.

Speaker 98 Because when you switched into the real, like, I thought you were just going for shock value. I was like, oh, none of this part actually happened.
The first thing did.

Speaker 98 But the whole thing was fucking great. I think you just have to figure out how to push that second part into the audience believing, like, oh, no, he's really like, this is for real.

Speaker 98 He's opening up about this, but making it funny.

Speaker 93 Okay. Thank you.
I appreciate that.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 113 I will say the profuse sweating is getting you halfway there.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Yeah. It's believable with the sweating.

Speaker 61 You are a moist, moist little pudding ball.

Speaker 51 I'm getting that.

Speaker 54 yeah.

Speaker 38 But you're happily married now, right, Todd?

Speaker 92 I am married. I've been married for 18 years.

Speaker 59 Wow, 18 years.

Speaker 64 Wow, and what does your wife do for a living?

Speaker 66 She is,

Speaker 58 I'd imagine, she professionally is an air fryer.

Speaker 5 Is this an air fryer you got married to?

Speaker 64 I love that you think he would use an air fryer.

Speaker 27 No, she must be a professional, what, a microwave repair woman?

Speaker 17 What exactly does she do for a living?

Speaker 56 A grocery store cart pusher?

Speaker 26 She must be a fantastic chef, right?

Speaker 100 Does she cook for you?

Speaker 3 She does, yes. Yeah, what does she make?

Speaker 103 What are some of the...

Speaker 35 What did you have yesterday for dinner?

Speaker 73 What did I have yesterday for dinner?

Speaker 74 We had, we had, well, I was flying down here. We had eggo waffles.

Speaker 5 So perfect.

Speaker 59 Perfect.

Speaker 116 I'm sure your doctor would be proud.

Speaker 48 I'm sure your doctor's saying you're not getting enough eggo waffles for dinner on a Sunday evening.

Speaker 98 My favorite part of that was watching him mentally scroll through which dinner yesterday

Speaker 25 and landing with all the pressure millions of people inevitably watching this.

Speaker 41 You landed on eggo waffles being the answer.

Speaker 92 I was trying to impress. It was actually store-brand waffles.

Speaker 74 It wasn't even ego.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 75 Wow.

Speaker 117 Have you had any pedo thoughts or like gay things in your head since being molested?

Speaker 40 Great question, Red Band with a great quest.

Speaker 17 Always the best questions.

Speaker 5 Have you had any pedo thoughts?

Speaker 67 Fucking.

Speaker 3 He's definitely had pito thoughts.

Speaker 92 I've had Cheeto thoughts, but no pedo thoughts.

Speaker 74 Wow.

Speaker 52 So incredible.

Speaker 48 What ended up happening to this third stepdad?

Speaker 26 Have you ever checked in with him?

Speaker 74 Yeah, he died.

Speaker 94 He died a few years ago. Yeah.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Died from.

Speaker 96 Obviously, died from disappointment from you not getting that sweet little hard cock.

Speaker 76 I have a real question.

Speaker 56 Did anything from the lesson stick with you?

Speaker 7 Just the memory. Just the...

Speaker 92 Just the video. I do remember

Speaker 92 he wasn't erect at all. Like, he was not, he was just, he was just flapping in the way.

Speaker 24 I was hard as a rock, but he didn't.

Speaker 54 Maybe he's just a, maybe he was trying to be cool.

Speaker 52 Maybe. Have you ever thought about going around and helping a 12-year-old boy?

Speaker 74 Well, getting back to Reggie, I have. Yeah.

Speaker 5 A nightmare.

Speaker 48 Sounds like someone's biggest fear.

Speaker 54 All right.

Speaker 54 Kirby, get away from me.

Speaker 59 Okay, red band.

Speaker 40 Todd, very fun times. You did it again.

Speaker 58 So many great appearances on this show. Thanks, man.

Speaker 67 Thanks, Doug. Thank you, guys.

Speaker 87 Ladies and gentlemen, getting it started, Todd Royce. So now we move to the bucket

Speaker 90 where anything can happen.

Speaker 44 A lot of these people we meet for the first time.

Speaker 41 This young man, we actually know. He works here at the Comedy Mothership.

Speaker 86 They all sign up every week.

Speaker 41 Every once in a while, we pull one of them out. This guy's one of the top young rising comedians in the world.
Let's see a brand new minute from J Legend, everybody.

Speaker 44 Jay Legend.

Speaker 110 Hell yeah.

Speaker 123 I just had a daughter 10 months ago, which is a dope experience. She's so precious and small.
I'm looking at life through a different lens now. I got to protect her.

Speaker 123 You know, like I just re-watched the movie Taken for the first time as a girl dad.

Speaker 121 It's crazy because I'm looking at Liam Neeson in this movie.

Speaker 122 Like, I want to be like this dad, right?

Speaker 121 His daughter was kidnapped in Europe. He was given a 36-hour window to save her life.

Speaker 123 And in 36 hours, he flew to Europe, killed 40 dudes, and brought his daughter the fuck home. And I'm like, that's how you operate.

Speaker 121 If your daughter kidnapped, you get your ass up and you go get her i can't do it but you should try if you got the ability right there's too many things that have stopped me from being that dad the first thing that'll stop me was he bought a flight to europe the same day

Speaker 121 the same day my nigga to europe all the way no layover that's crazy right plus i don't have a passport okay so now now i'm four weeks behind the 36 hour deadline trying to set up a payment arrangement with the killer to see if I could cash app him $200 to put my daughter at the back of the line.

Speaker 121 It don't work like that. It'll be a different movie if I was in it.

Speaker 124 It'd be called Gone Forever.

Speaker 6 You're not going to.

Speaker 72 Yo, that's my time. I'm Jay Legend.
Wow. Exactly one minute.

Speaker 10 Stunning performance by Jay Legend.

Speaker 120 Hell yeah.

Speaker 110 Hell yeah.

Speaker 124 Amazing. What's up, Tony?

Speaker 52 Hell yeah.

Speaker 58 Everything about that joke feels real.

Speaker 68 Feels like you would do that.

Speaker 101 Hell yeah.

Speaker 17 Absolutely.

Speaker 40 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 125 So, Jay, remind us how long have you been doing stand-up six years where are you from i'm from chicago originally started comedy in florida okay started in florida you've seen the bean in chicago yeah yeah

Speaker 65 touched it flicked it peed on it drunk once wow incredible you people really do some crazy things

Speaker 41 So Jay, how's life now?

Speaker 90 How long have you lived in Austin?

Speaker 67 So I'm going on like a year and a half. I've been here.
It's great. The whole first year I moved out here without my kids.

Speaker 125 They were back home in Florida.

Speaker 53 How many kids do you have?

Speaker 80 Two.

Speaker 125 Son and a daughter. And

Speaker 54 came out here. They live in Florida?

Speaker 122 No, they moved here. They live with me now.

Speaker 124 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 125 I finally got to move them out here and it's been dope.

Speaker 119 Perfect.

Speaker 79 Are you still with the baby mama? No. No.

Speaker 22 So you have your kids just to yourself?

Speaker 124 No, she here too.

Speaker 88 Okay. She's here too.

Speaker 80 So you guys.

Speaker 5 Co-parent.

Speaker 89 Right.

Speaker 126 Co-parent. Hell yeah.

Speaker 91 And what does she do?

Speaker 28 Does she paint nails?

Speaker 123 No, I just pay all the bills.

Speaker 88 She works at the DMV?

Speaker 79 I pay everything, and she just watches the kids she just watches the kids yeah all right easy living red band's freaking out over here

Speaker 96 so she just watches the kids and you're able to support yourself her and the kids yeah with the comedian the budget of a comedian hell yeah how do you do it explain to these people how you pull it off jay legend who are you stealing money from

Speaker 121 Nobody, man. I just non-stop work.

Speaker 67 I work here as a door guy.

Speaker 54 I get whatever work I get from here.

Speaker 67 I'm on a road with David Lucas.

Speaker 122 I'll feature him sometimes, so that pays a lot of money.

Speaker 125 I'm out on the road.

Speaker 26 You and David Lucas on the trying to support our children tour.

Speaker 64 That's what it's called.

Speaker 121 You know, we start this next year.

Speaker 122 When it starts, yep.

Speaker 128 It's fucking incredible.

Speaker 5 What am I doing wrong with my money?

Speaker 129 I'm single. I have nothing.

Speaker 99 And every month I'm terrified of being broke.

Speaker 98 And then I'll meet a waitress who's like, I have six kids.

Speaker 5 I'm like, I don't understand how it's possible.

Speaker 15 Well, they're not tripping when they walk out.

Speaker 109 Big shows.

Speaker 62 How many video games am I buying?

Speaker 51 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 94 That's incredible, man. Yeah.

Speaker 54 It's hard.

Speaker 124 It's hard.

Speaker 125 I can't do what I want at all, but you know, fuck it.

Speaker 123 I nutted in her, so these are the consequences.

Speaker 46 These are the consequences of nutting and a woman, Tim Butterly.

Speaker 113 There's probably some money in making a black version of Taken

Speaker 99 and calling it took.

Speaker 103 You guys have a good night. Yeah.

Speaker 15 It's a movie about you and Wallets.

Speaker 3 I thought it was like a slavery thing, but cool.

Speaker 22 Oh, well, it really plays both ways.

Speaker 5 Tuck already happened.

Speaker 98 That guy Todd, he's got a movie coming out.

Speaker 39 It's called Bacon.

Speaker 76 Oh,

Speaker 76 shit.

Speaker 40 So, Jay, tell us, what's something crazy that you do for fun when you're getting away from the kids and the baby mama and everything?

Speaker 20 What's something, other than stand-up comedy, what do you do for like a little release?

Speaker 56 You have any idea? I don't know.

Speaker 122 One time I got, like, I did some mushrooms and I wrote a song.

Speaker 55 That was fun. Wow.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 25 You like wrote the lyrics to a song?

Speaker 54 Hell yeah, bro.

Speaker 122 Okay, so I was going through the first breakup with my baby mama.

Speaker 129 And we were moving out of the apartment.

Speaker 125 And she just like took the kids and moved in with her mom and left me in the house. And I was did mushrooms after an open mic.
And I came home and I couldn't sleep at like two in the morning.

Speaker 125 So I wrote a song. That was fun.

Speaker 96 How does the song go? Do you remember it?

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 57 Come on, tell us.

Speaker 21 How many of you want to hear Jay's song?

Speaker 3 Jay Legend making his musical debut here live at the mothership in front of millions of people.

Speaker 65 That's crazy. And here

Speaker 64 we go.

Speaker 114 So she left me.

Speaker 125 I was single at the time. I was hurt.
So these are the lyrics. The song is called Bags and Boxes.

Speaker 12 It's called Bags and Boxes?

Speaker 131 Yeah, because that's all she left me with.

Speaker 26 Oh, she packed bags and boxes.

Speaker 55 All right, cool.

Speaker 65 All right, here we go.

Speaker 5 Okay, bags and boxes. Coming up.
Not gonna be good.

Speaker 130 You left me

Speaker 122 alone and afraid.

Speaker 130 And you left me

Speaker 130 here to deal with this pain. And you left me

Speaker 130 with a pictureless frame.

Speaker 129 And all I have to my name

Speaker 130 are the bags and boxes you left me.

Speaker 5 Did I do this alone?

Speaker 130 And you left me.

Speaker 54 And what I thought was my home, and you left me.

Speaker 3 And everything is all gone.

Speaker 130 And all I have

Speaker 51 to my name.

Speaker 44 I love it.

Speaker 17 It's better than a modern day Will Smith, that's for sure.

Speaker 14 Bags and boxes.

Speaker 131 So I was broke as fuck. I didn't have nothing but bags and boxes and some mushrooms.

Speaker 5 I love it.

Speaker 3 Those are some good mushrooms.

Speaker 15 Those are great mushrooms because that song fucking sucks, dude.

Speaker 54 You left me.

Speaker 5 Tony, don't make fun of my hurt, man.

Speaker 14 Aw, it's adorable.

Speaker 17 Jay, great stuff.

Speaker 48 Fun times.

Speaker 41 Red Dan.

Speaker 98 I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 123 Hell yeah. I'll be there.
Appreciate you, dog.

Speaker 87 you already have a big joke book right yep jay legend

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Speaker 64 Oh

Speaker 46 my god, we know what that sound means.

Speaker 42 It is indeed the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 89 My goodness.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 63 With bags and boxes, you left me.

Speaker 86 It's actually kind of catchy.

Speaker 18 He sucks at singing, but if like a real singer sang that, that'd be great.

Speaker 63 You left me.

Speaker 108 Alright.

Speaker 41 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pull.

Speaker 106 We're going to meet them all together.

Speaker 47 It is Ram B.

Speaker 47 Ram B.

Speaker 107 Hello, hello, hello.

Speaker 35 So I was recently in Wisconsin. Anybody from Wisconsin in the house? All All right.

Speaker 35 Normally there is, which is crazy. So I played a new game called Do Hard Drugs and See Who Turns to Jesus first.

Speaker 35 Yeah, I hadn't played this game yet. I was at the bar.
One girl that was like 40, I'm 47. She was another girl that was like 25.
We go back to the apartment. We hanging out.
They doing lines and shit.

Speaker 54 Talking about...

Speaker 35 Oh, yeah, you should see my white veil that I go to church in. Oh, my God, you go to St.
Bernard's? I go to St. Oh my God, Augustine, we should go together.
And I'm like, you you know what?

Speaker 35 I think Ram B just won the drink game of see who turns to Jesus first. Because I just did a little bit.
They was doing rails and went all the way, you know. Yeah.

Speaker 35 My daughter said she saw Jesus at her bedside once. And I thought it was a Mexican dude named Jesus and his protective father.
I was ready to throw hands. You know, I was ready to go for it.

Speaker 35 Then I realized I had to ask, hey, you got to ask Jesus a question. I don't know how you're here because I definitely pulled out, you know?

Speaker 35 Thank you. Appreciate it.

Speaker 59 All right, Ram b

Speaker 20 you know i'm still thinking about the song you just sang for us a second ago

Speaker 12 that's uh starting to grow on me a little bit

Speaker 63 with bags and boxes you left me

Speaker 54 hey hey

Speaker 133 this show is out of control ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 76 I'm kidding.

Speaker 42 I'm kidding.

Speaker 90 It's a different guy, everybody.

Speaker 17 It's a different guy.

Speaker 128 That's a new one. I'm going to have to download that one.

Speaker 35 The funny thing is I do rap and sing, which is hilarious to me because I wasn't expecting that standing back there.

Speaker 21 I have no idea what you just said.

Speaker 52 Ram B, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 35 Since 2021, so four years, Bob.

Speaker 58 Yeah. Since 20 what?

Speaker 35 2021, so about four years.

Speaker 56 Okay, four years.

Speaker 24 What do you do for work?

Speaker 35 I used to do a lot of physical jobs like machining and stuff like that, but now I'm actually doing like phone customer service.

Speaker 105 Phone customer service.

Speaker 40 You do that from home or you do that from like an office?

Speaker 35 I just started, so it'll be an office, yeah.

Speaker 102 Okay.

Speaker 126 All right, real cool. Yep.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 103 And what was the job that you had right before?

Speaker 15 How long have you been doing that?

Speaker 35 I'm like a weekend.

Speaker 68 A weekend.

Speaker 35 Yeah, I just started. I meant training.
You know what I'm saying? Right.

Speaker 58 I got it.

Speaker 127 So what was the job you were doing right before that?

Speaker 35 I was moving people's apartments, like moving people.

Speaker 51 Oh, shit.

Speaker 35 Damn, it's I know you looked at me like, you don't look like you can lift a couch.

Speaker 53 No, that's it.

Speaker 14 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 35 No, it's uh, it was too back breaking, and I got a bad back, so I said, all right, I'm done with that, you know?

Speaker 81 Right. Yeah.
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Okay, Ramby.

Speaker 60 What's your love life like?

Speaker 35 I am single. Yeah.
I had a girl for a while, then moved to Austin to do comedy, and she didn't want to come.

Speaker 58 So she's up in Wisconsin?

Speaker 35 Yeah, and that's no longer a thing. We don't talk.

Speaker 58 How long has it been since you talked?

Speaker 24 February?

Speaker 117 February. Yeah.
You miss her?

Speaker 35 Honestly, yeah. But, you know, not enough to care right now.
You know what I mean? I'm going to kill Tony. I'm not thinking about that.

Speaker 76 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 8 Right?

Speaker 35 I got bigger fish to fry.

Speaker 128 You feel me?

Speaker 54 Bags and boxes.

Speaker 64 With bags and boxes.

Speaker 51 Bags and boxes.

Speaker 18 Hell yeah, Ram B's getting into it.

Speaker 68 All right, all right, all right.

Speaker 11 Show DeRosa.

Speaker 98 I'm I'm not going to be able to sleep because that fucking song.

Speaker 51 It's going to be crazy.

Speaker 39 I'm going to be in a padded room six years from now.

Speaker 118 That's me.

Speaker 64 God damn it.

Speaker 101 It is getting catchier by the minute.

Speaker 44 It turns out anybody other than Jay Legend singing it makes it a perfect song.

Speaker 134 Ram, have you ever written a song or done anything other than stand-up comedy of the other challenge?

Speaker 35 I actually rap for about 25 years.

Speaker 40 Oh, no fucking way.

Speaker 18 We got to hear you rap, dude.

Speaker 35 It's not going to be funny. It's just going to be.

Speaker 90 We want to hear.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 96 Is it an original?

Speaker 56 You have your own raps?

Speaker 17 Okay.

Speaker 111 Let's get a little beat from Michael.

Speaker 35 Let's see. It'll be kind of slash rapping and singing.

Speaker 5 It'd be more slinging.

Speaker 134 Whatever you want, but just give them the one, two, three, four.

Speaker 83 I called my babe back.

Speaker 127 Oh shit.

Speaker 130 She didn't pick up.

Speaker 97 I'm sitting in a forte.

Speaker 35 I ain't got no pickup.

Speaker 97 She ripped my heart out.

Speaker 41 Oh, we got Gory.

Speaker 97 I'm singing the same song as many before me.

Speaker 97 But I

Speaker 97 left me

Speaker 31 with bags and boxes.

Speaker 51 you left me.

Speaker 135 Hey!

Speaker 55 Bags and boxes.

Speaker 55 Motherfucking bags and boxes.

Speaker 9 The little joke bug.

Speaker 55 Ram B.

Speaker 101 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 10 We're flying through it here tonight.

Speaker 46 We're having a good old time.

Speaker 13 We're at fun

Speaker 13 times, Ram.

Speaker 21 Come back. Sign up again sometime.

Speaker 106 We're gonna keep it moving.

Speaker 44 We having fun here tonight, huh?

Speaker 14 All right.

Speaker 21 I think you guys all understand what the show is.

Speaker 41 Anything can happen, and it's completely retarded.

Speaker 42 All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Darren Jones, everybody.

Speaker 30 One minute uninterrupted for Darren Jones.

Speaker 110 Oh, wow.

Speaker 138 I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 10 Must be a black thing or some shit.

Speaker 70 All right, that's cool.

Speaker 59 But I heard they put

Speaker 138 abortive fetuses in some vaccines. That shit tripped me out when I first heard it.
I'm like, damn, man, I'm glad I didn't get that shot. I had blended baby in my motherfucking arm, boy.

Speaker 138 Like, depending on who got the abortion, you're gonna have the essence of a trauma-filled bitch and an unwetted seed in your motherfucking vein.

Speaker 138 She would have fucked my circadian rhythm up.

Speaker 140 Nigga wouldn't have been able to get no motherfucking sleep.

Speaker 138 But human beings, they fucking resilient, though. It was this this dude who was protesting climate change and he set hisself on fire.

Speaker 138 I'm like, damn, what's the people who blocked the road to do that shit?

Speaker 87 Fuck yeah, Darren Jones.

Speaker 87 That's a good one.

Speaker 84 I think the first joke kind of like got unheard or something.

Speaker 68 We were all laughing at the fact that you're black.

Speaker 30 It's a thing.

Speaker 75 It's a thing.

Speaker 75 The property values in the bucket bucket are plumbing.

Speaker 138 And I rapped the last time I was up here, too, and I seen a black guy rapping coming out. I'm like, ah, shit.

Speaker 65 Yep.

Speaker 102 Yep.

Speaker 98 My favorite thing I've ever seen on this this show was when the third Black Dude and Roar came out, you reached in the bucket and started feverishly mixing it up as if that was gonna defect it.

Speaker 64 Did you overseason the bucket tonight?

Speaker 73 Does this bucket say KFC on it somewhere?

Speaker 73 Joe, what the fuck, man?

Speaker 98 Shit, I'm sorry.

Speaker 39 I have a special coming out.

Speaker 98 I'm sorry.

Speaker 3 So, Darren Jones, welcome to the show, my friend.

Speaker 12 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 138 About two and a half. The closer three, probably.

Speaker 3 Years. Yes.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 90 Where are you from?

Speaker 138 Dayton, Ohio, man. The best city in the fucking states.

Speaker 91 Ohio.

Speaker 68 We know it very well.

Speaker 48 How long have you been in Austin?

Speaker 138 Since January last year.

Speaker 127 Since January of last year.

Speaker 58 What made you move to Austin?

Speaker 138 Comedy.

Speaker 58 You wanted to do comedy.

Speaker 79 Yes, sir.

Speaker 113 Hell yeah.

Speaker 58 What made you wait so long to start doing open mics after moving in January of last year?

Speaker 55 I started right away.

Speaker 91 You mean January of this year then?

Speaker 138 Nah, last year.

Speaker 84 Oh, I see what you're saying.

Speaker 58 Yeah, I got up here.

Speaker 72 What's like September?

Speaker 93 Yep.

Speaker 132 Got it. Got it.

Speaker 29 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 138 I work in a fencing yard.

Speaker 91 You work in fencing?

Speaker 138 Yeah, I manage a fencing fencing yard, yeah. A fencing yard.

Speaker 27 So you're in charge of putting up fences.

Speaker 138 Yeah, I work the shit out of the Mexicans.

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 39 Oh, I thought he meant like N1 sword farting.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 108 Could be.

Speaker 8 Could be.

Speaker 69 It's amazing.

Speaker 98 Dude, your comedy is, I thought it was great, man. And I think like the fact that you're one of the most natural comics I've ever seen.
Like, you figured out the hard part and the jokes were funny.

Speaker 98 Like, I feel like you got a nice road ahead of you, man.

Speaker 126 For real. I really appreciate it, man.
Yeah.

Speaker 138 Yeah. I just got to stay more consistent.

Speaker 98 But if you have a song.

Speaker 100 Have you ever written a song, Darren Jones?

Speaker 3 I wrote a lot of songs.

Speaker 59 Wow.

Speaker 50 What is happening tonight?

Speaker 10 This is amazing.

Speaker 15 This is the first time ever where all the bucket pools have been the exact same human being.

Speaker 5 It's never happened before.

Speaker 14 Over 700 episodes.

Speaker 21 Normally people are different sometimes.

Speaker 15 Sometimes it's people with different stories and lives, but not tonight. Just slightly different hairstyles from the bucket pools.
Perhaps there's a

Speaker 39 wig person.

Speaker 5 What would we call them? Predator.

Speaker 12 Unbelievable.

Speaker 98 Now, the more important question is, do you have a song you can sing that we can then hijack and turn into bags and boxes?

Speaker 15 My friend, you can turn any song into bags and boxes

Speaker 46 it's possible to do with anything

Speaker 138 uh so what is a song that you it's an original song that you've written yeah okay i gotta i gotta think of one though man okay while you think about it i'm gonna ask you some more questions what's your love life like i'm single man single yeah have you been hooking up with some random girls in texas Oh, yeah, I got a couple of girls.

Speaker 79 So how does that happen?

Speaker 5 Where do you meet a girl?

Speaker 91 Where does a guy like Darren Jones meet a girl?

Speaker 138 I met one at the...

Speaker 138 I don't remember where I met these hoes.

Speaker 138 I think I met one actually walking down here somewhere close to this

Speaker 138 campus, yeah.

Speaker 26 So on the street, and what do you say to somebody when you meet them?

Speaker 138 How you doing? Same shit, everybody else, say something.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 91 Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do to these thick white women that you're spending sex with?

Speaker 18 Am I right?

Speaker 106 Are they thick white women that you're having sex with?

Speaker 138 Nah, I wish. Shit, I need some big pussy.
Right.

Speaker 42 So you're with black women?

Speaker 138 One Mexican, the other one Mexican.

Speaker 48 Oh, they're both Mexican. One Mexican, the other one Mexican.

Speaker 12 One Mexican, the other one.

Speaker 17 Big suspense.

Speaker 15 Wait for it.

Speaker 2 Mexican.

Speaker 138 But one California Mexican, the other one Mexico, Mexican.

Speaker 5 Oh, shit.

Speaker 46 They're both about to be back in Mexico, Mexico.

Speaker 5 Because we are cracking down.

Speaker 84 Sorry, horn players.

Speaker 68 Shit is going down.

Speaker 104 All right.

Speaker 58 What is it about Mexican women that you like so much?

Speaker 138 We ain't got a lot of them in Ohio, man.

Speaker 80 You are correct, Open.

Speaker 138 Yeah, it's like Benny Hanna's. You don't always want the same flavor.
You know what I'm saying? You might like vanilla alley time, but shit, I like to switch it up.

Speaker 142 You feel?

Speaker 58 My friend, I'm not only a fan of what you're saying, but I'm also a fan of Benny Hanna's.

Speaker 27 I appreciate the Benny Hanna's explanation there.

Speaker 58 Even at Benny Hanna's, sometimes steak, sometimes shrimp. I'll catch it in my...

Speaker 58 Right from the chef's paddle.

Speaker 76 Okay, so

Speaker 40 just me connecting with my new black friend, Darren Jones.

Speaker 103 Darren, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?

Speaker 126 Shit.

Speaker 138 Probably my mentality, really.

Speaker 96 Explain what you mean by that.

Speaker 18 I love that answer.

Speaker 88 Explain to these white people that drove 45 minutes from their ranches in the country what exactly you mean by black mentality.

Speaker 138 I know y'all know the word, but y'all know it like I do. I'm a nigga to the core, man.

Speaker 47 Oh, I love it.

Speaker 106 Keep going.

Speaker 49 Keep going, Darren.

Speaker 88 You're just scratching the surface here.

Speaker 3 When you say to the core,

Speaker 3 explain to these innocent whites what you mean.

Speaker 59 Oh, man.

Speaker 55 Damn.

Speaker 138 How can I explain being a nigga?

Speaker 53 Oh, this is perhaps the greatest moment in the show's history out of nowhere right now.

Speaker 52 No, no.

Speaker 134 Don't go to John D. No, John.
I'm not letting you take over.

Speaker 58 I want a pure answer from Darren.

Speaker 52 And then we'll check in with John Dee's when he expects the

Speaker 14 show DeRosa.

Speaker 39 This is about to be the best TED talk I've ever heard.

Speaker 142 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 79 What do you mean by to the core?

Speaker 138 It just means I'm black as fuck, man. I wouldn't want to be any other thing.
You know what I'm saying? When you think of the stereotypical black man, I like watermelon, chicken.

Speaker 64 Oh, hell yes.

Speaker 18 I love all that shit.

Speaker 59 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 85 You like sleeping in late?

Speaker 138 I wish I could, but I love it.

Speaker 59 Yeah, if I could, hell yeah.

Speaker 138 I'd like to be late every day if I could, too, but shit, I guess I ain't that fucking black because I'm on time.

Speaker 55 So we're finding out.

Speaker 40 We're finding out you're not quite as black as you thought you were.

Speaker 73 Hey, man, don't be so hard on yourself.

Speaker 26 What's your credit score?

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 17 what do we got for a credit score?

Speaker 138 Like 720.

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 10 Oh, the crowd goes wild. 720, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 15 Better than Joe DeRosa's.

Speaker 17 He's got no kids.

Speaker 5 Absolutely.

Speaker 98 But I do own a ColecoVision.

Speaker 14 Sorry.

Speaker 14 That's we got it.

Speaker 139 What's your mouth?

Speaker 58 All right. So, Darren, have you thought about the original song?

Speaker 52 Yeah. You just give us a line or two.

Speaker 138 I wrote this when I was like,

Speaker 138 I say about 21. I'm 37 now.
So, this is a 16-year-old song.

Speaker 17 Wow, Red Band's immediately attracted to it.

Speaker 69 16-year-old song.

Speaker 53 It's right in your ring.

Speaker 117 All right, Kayser girls.

Speaker 84 It's true.

Speaker 5 Y'all want the hook?

Speaker 3 Let's do it.

Speaker 138 Okay.

Speaker 138 It's about selling dope.

Speaker 18 Oh, I love it.

Speaker 27 I love selling dope.

Speaker 56 Let's go.

Speaker 138 It was, if you need a quick fix, you know where to get it. You know I supply it with that shit up in my kitchen.
The shit up in my kitchen is that shit that I be whipping. Equations to how I weigh it.

Speaker 138 I doubles my coefficient. If you know math, then you probably get it.
The vad the blow never subtract money, always addition. Emerald the chef in the kitchen with this yay that I'm whipping.

Speaker 138 I'm out of mathematician with this coat that i'm flipping

Speaker 24 hell yeah

Speaker 65 absolutely

Speaker 23 uh

Speaker 41 he's rapping about crack and crack rocks is let's bring it back to bags and boxes

Speaker 41 all right

Speaker 13 Fantastic. Fun times.
Darren, here's a little joke book. Fun times, sign up again.

Speaker 50 Come back. Do it again.

Speaker 45 Do it again.

Speaker 50 Do it again.

Speaker 48 Ah, bags and boxes.

Speaker 65 She left me.

Speaker 143 Olivia loves a challenge. It's why she lifts heavy weights

Speaker 143 and likes complicated recipes.

Speaker 143 But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia. She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.
Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 143 You were made to take the easy route. We were made to easily package your trip.
Expedia, made to travel. Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Speaker 114 Good night, itchy eyes. Good night, sudden sneeze.
Good night to your symptoms of allergies. Xyzole is the allergy medicine you take before bed.
It provides powerful relief while you rest your head.

Speaker 114 Not just all night, but all the next day. Xyzole keeps working, keeping allergies at bay.

Speaker 114 And without those annoying symptoms disturbing your rest, you can wake up the next morning feeling your absolute best. Remember, be wise all takes xyzol at night.

Speaker 17 This appears as if though the name will set us apart and break the streak.

Speaker 144 It's almost disappointing at this point.

Speaker 21 But let's see what happens here.

Speaker 80 Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Johnny Morny, everybody.

Speaker 85 Johnny Morny all right

Speaker 124 hi I'm Johnny Mockney I'm a teacher during the day that's my day job

Speaker 81 I teach high school seniors they're eight years younger than me

Speaker 81 they uh it's weird being so close in age to your kids because they they know your weaknesses you know like I had a kid show up 10 minutes late for class and before I could say anything he was like Mockney mark me tardy if you're gay I was like fuck

Speaker 6 I was like, You and this one, kiddo.

Speaker 73 And they get involved in your personal life too.

Speaker 81 Like a bunch of my kids found out that I had this breakup because the picture of my girlfriend disappeared from my desk.

Speaker 5 So they're all like, Mock me, what happened to your girlfriend?

Speaker 73 Don't worry, Mock me, we'll find you a new girl.

Speaker 5 We'll hook you up with someone.

Speaker 124 I was like, Guys, guys, that's what parent-teacher conferences are for.

Speaker 76 I'm gonna fuck all your moms.

Speaker 6 I've been clocking this class since day one.

Speaker 5 I know who doesn't have a dad.

Speaker 76 I'm well aware.

Speaker 6 I know who doesn't have a dad, and I know who has two cool mops.

Speaker 76 So

Speaker 73 that's my time. Thank you.

Speaker 5 Johnny, mock thee.

Speaker 110 I see.

Speaker 84 Those are ours. Though your C's look like ours the way you write them.

Speaker 144 You do that on purpose?

Speaker 81 No, no, no.

Speaker 52 Has anyone told you that your C's look like ours?

Speaker 73 No, you're the first, but this is a huge credit for it.

Speaker 80 So I'll...

Speaker 69 It's a big deal. Yeah.
It's a big deal.

Speaker 3 Okay, Johnny, what do you teach exactly?

Speaker 81 I teach AP Lit.

Speaker 142 A.P. Lit.

Speaker 81 At a high school? High school, yeah.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 25 And you are.

Speaker 105 You're a young guy for that job, right?

Speaker 61 And that's here in Austin?

Speaker 81 No, no, that's back in Michigan.

Speaker 19 Oh, you work in Michigan. Yeah.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 26 So they have young people teaching young people there.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Okay. There's a shortage.
Where exactly in Michigan?

Speaker 81 Lansing area.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 144 And that's where you're from?

Speaker 17 That's where you've lived your whole life, obviously?

Speaker 81 I moved around a lot as a kid, but that's where I settled. Yeah.

Speaker 24 Okay. Sorry.

Speaker 58 No, it's okay.

Speaker 27 A fly just hit me in the head really hard.

Speaker 22 So hard that it actually blew my head back.

Speaker 15 I've been assaulted by a fly.

Speaker 139 It won that round.

Speaker 101 But I will get it by the end of the day.

Speaker 48 So, Johnny, how long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 3 About eight years. Eight years.
Yeah.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 37 And what do you do for fun, Johnny?

Speaker 28 Tell us about your life.

Speaker 58 You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking let it rip.

Speaker 27 Definitely never written a song before, am I?

Speaker 5 Never written a song.

Speaker 5 Exactly.

Speaker 81 No,

Speaker 81 gosh, I mean, I do stand-up, go to the movies.

Speaker 24 I go to the movies alone sometimes.

Speaker 81 I think it's better alone.

Speaker 81 Fun sneaks up on me, Tony. I don't know.

Speaker 5 I can't.

Speaker 80 I wish I knew.

Speaker 5 That's a weird thing to say. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 28 Fun sneaks up on you.

Speaker 66 What the fuck does that mean?

Speaker 104 What exactly do you mean by that?

Speaker 81 I'm trying to say, like, I don't know what my hobbies are on paper. I think they just.

Speaker 25 What ethnicity are you?

Speaker 58 You appear to have some kind of Asian-esque eye.

Speaker 53 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 80 I'm half Thai.

Speaker 53 Half Thai, and the other half is.

Speaker 81 Polish, Polak.

Speaker 102 Ah.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 5 There's one class.

Speaker 60 The Tai Pole.

Speaker 26 Yes. You're a Tai Pole.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 5 The rare tie pole. Yeah.

Speaker 58 Do you ever feel extra tie?

Speaker 17 Are there times where you feel like you're Thai?

Speaker 81 No, well, I think the Asian and Polish cancel each other out, so I'm like, I'm like okay at math, you know, like it's uh

Speaker 17 that's true.

Speaker 18 I could see why that would work, yeah.

Speaker 4 How are you at driving?

Speaker 3 Decent at driving. Decent.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 76 Totaled my car only once.

Speaker 107 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 100 That's that's about 50%.

Speaker 5 50% Thai.

Speaker 113 Appreciate it.

Speaker 19 Most Thai people total their car twice when they're your age.

Speaker 124 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Okay, Johnny.

Speaker 98 I thought I really enjoyed your material quite a bit.

Speaker 54 Thank you. It was great.

Speaker 117 But my question, this is a real question.

Speaker 98 You can come on a show like this and say wild shit like that and you don't have to worry about your job.

Speaker 3 He does. He has to worry about it.

Speaker 54 We'll find out.

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Michigan, also.

Speaker 66 You're like, I know what I'll do.

Speaker 67 I'll fly to Austin and get away with it.

Speaker 23 No, you won't.

Speaker 40 Well, luckily, a lot of people in Lansing, Michigan don't have a Wi-Fi, so

Speaker 27 it's an absolute dreadful place.

Speaker 85 If you bounced around a lot, what made you land in Lansing, Michigan?

Speaker 73 Well, I'm from DeWitt, Michigan, which is by there.

Speaker 81 And then we moved to like, we were in Texas for like a year or two. We were there.
We were in Mississippi, Chicago, and then I was in Thailand actually for like two and a half years.

Speaker 76 You move around a lot. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 69 A lot of bags and boxes, one per time.

Speaker 55 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 19 Oh, D-Madness is back, everybody.

Speaker 101 You say Michigan three times, D-Madness pops up out of nowhere.

Speaker 103 I love it.

Speaker 100 Johnny, tell us one more thing absolutely crazy about your life that makes you different that people would find interesting.

Speaker 81 You know HGTV? There's an episode of House Hunters International about my family.

Speaker 126 We moved to Thailand.

Speaker 81 It's called Returning to Thai Roots.

Speaker 81 It's my one TV credit.

Speaker 83 Wow.

Speaker 81 So yeah, you can look that up.

Speaker 81 Okay, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. You bought the house before they filmed the episode.

Speaker 39 Like, you're already in the house.

Speaker 80 You have to make it look vacant.

Speaker 126 Oh.

Speaker 3 So I put all, I was like 11, 12 years old.

Speaker 81 I put all my stuff in drawers, and then we pretended we were looking at it for the first time.

Speaker 107 Oh, my God.

Speaker 107 Now,

Speaker 39 it was when you were 11?

Speaker 39 I was

Speaker 67 2012. Oh, okay.

Speaker 81 I would have been 13 at the time.

Speaker 98 What makes you think you're not allowed to speak about what went on behind the scenes at HGTV?

Speaker 67 What do you think the consequences of that might be

Speaker 99 versus you being a man that handles young children coming on a show like this?

Speaker 67 I think your concerns are out of whack right now, Johnny.

Speaker 54 That's fair.

Speaker 80 I'm afraid the property brothers will come fuck me up, I guess.

Speaker 81 I don't know.

Speaker 17 How long are you in town for?

Speaker 39 Till July 8th.

Speaker 117 I'd love to have you on the secret show, Thursday.

Speaker 87 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 10 Red band booking

Speaker 9 real human beings on real shows.

Speaker 46 Johnny, fun times.

Speaker 16 Here's a big joke book. Congratulations.
There you go.

Speaker 10 Johnny

Speaker 59 Morkey.

Speaker 31 Morky.

Speaker 65 How fun.

Speaker 77 Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are at the part of the show where I am going to ignore the next bucket pool and bring up an unbelievable golden ticket winner.

Speaker 133 Perhaps one of the people's absolutely favorites of all time.

Speaker 47 He is back in town from Toronto Canada where he lives, where he spends most of his time famously eating ramen noodles.

Speaker 135 This is the return of Kansai Yasuga.

Speaker 10 Adigato.

Speaker 112 Hi guys.

Speaker 112 I'm a bilingual. I speak Japanese and English.
And I feel like I have a different personality in each language that I speak. Like, English canse is more confident,

Speaker 112 but Japanese canse is like more, it's like a little pervert.

Speaker 112 Like, for example, when I see a beautiful woman walking on the street,

Speaker 112 English Kanza goes,

Speaker 112 I want to hit that ass.

Speaker 112 But Japanese counselor goes,

Speaker 112 I want to get onto a crowded Japanese train

Speaker 114 and casually tap that ass.

Speaker 112 When I'm having a sex,

Speaker 112 English consular goes,

Speaker 112 I want to pound you all night until you break down, girl.

Speaker 112 and Japanese Kansai goes

Speaker 126 I have a work tomorrow

Speaker 18 has done it yet again

Speaker 14 the little Japanese Canadian hybrid hero of the show

Speaker 28 We love Kansai, a master at the interview portion, a man who with calculated, crisp answers to every single question.

Speaker 109 Yes.

Speaker 127 A legend.

Speaker 19 A legend of the game.

Speaker 77 He spends, for those of you that don't know, spends hours a day sitting in a ramen restaurant in Toronto, Canada, slowly sipping hot broth.

Speaker 82 And sometimes he will grab chopsticks and deliver actual physical embodiments into his mouth and then chew them and swallow them.

Speaker 28 Am I correct, Kyle?

Speaker 3 Yes, that is what you love to do.

Speaker 18 You love that more than what?

Speaker 112 More than my.

Speaker 15 Oh, almost got in real trouble there for a second.

Speaker 112 But my girlfriend works there.

Speaker 10 I know. So

Speaker 17 best of both worlds.

Speaker 5 Everything is there.

Speaker 112 Everything is there in Tondo Ramen.

Speaker 65 Now let me ask you something.

Speaker 26 Very famously, the last time you were on the show, we did a thing that we do sometimes where we read Yelp reviews.

Speaker 77 And we famously read the Yelp reviews of your favorite ramen ramen place.

Speaker 24 Ryuku Shinmen Tondo Ramen.

Speaker 91 You say it best.

Speaker 72 Say it to that camera over there, that blue light.

Speaker 118 And action.

Speaker 118 Action.

Speaker 97 Ryukyu Shinmen Tondo Ramen.

Speaker 42 Yes, everybody loves it.

Speaker 72 So

Speaker 15 since we read those reviews, word on the street is that it's kind of blown up a little bit.

Speaker 52 Have you noticed it getting busier?

Speaker 126 It blew up.

Speaker 4 It brew up.

Speaker 108 It brew up.

Speaker 139 It brew up.

Speaker 68 It brew up big time.

Speaker 112 It's just like my country.

Speaker 65 Yes.

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 21 It's not the first time Americans have blown up a Japanese location.

Speaker 89 That's a really good point.

Speaker 48 Did I mention now's a good time to invest in Halliburton, everybody?

Speaker 37 So Kansai, you're seeing it.

Speaker 40 You're seeing people come in and do people recognize you since you're famous for sitting there?

Speaker 112 Yeah, they come and then they say hi.

Speaker 27 It's a lot of Kill Tony fans coming in there.

Speaker 55 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Speaker 20 Is the owner happy with me?

Speaker 112 Owner's out.

Speaker 65 Yeah, he's like,

Speaker 137 Tony.

Speaker 108 Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 100 That's what I love.

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 17 That's exactly what I love.

Speaker 3 Amazing.

Speaker 17 And your girlfriend's happy about it?

Speaker 112 My girlfriend's happy. Yeah, she's the only Filipino and

Speaker 112 half Filipino in a restaurant, so it's very easy to recognize.

Speaker 47 Right.

Speaker 112 And I.

Speaker 54 Well, for some people.

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 139 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 64 What's up?

Speaker 46 That's a good point.

Speaker 74 Very good.

Speaker 94 Great point.

Speaker 25 So we have some reviews here.

Speaker 25 Current reviews of Ryuku, Shinman, Tondo, Ramen.

Speaker 26 One five-star review from Jordan F.

Speaker 96 My friend Tony recommended me to try this place.

Speaker 89 You need to try it if you're in the area.

Speaker 79 Derek L.

Speaker 28 five stars one month ago.

Speaker 25 Went there recently on a work trip.

Speaker 96 Was recommended by my good friend Tony.

Speaker 88 Love this place so much.

Speaker 107 Okay.

Speaker 65 All right.

Speaker 5 Joe R. one month ago.

Speaker 60 Five stars.

Speaker 48 If it is good enough for Kansai, it will be good enough for you.

Speaker 21 My friend Tony said you will not leave hungry.

Speaker 65 Incredible.

Speaker 12 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 28 Jason at five stars one month ago.

Speaker 84 Great food and great service.

Speaker 52 I really enjoyed my visit.

Speaker 96 Thanks to Tony for the recommendation.

Speaker 73 Just to be sure, can we see if any of these guys are also reviewing like bathhouses?

Speaker 48 Thank you to our friends Tony and Kansai for the recommendation. John Kay one month ago said, I heard about this place from some guys named Tony, Brian, and Kansai.

Speaker 96 Everyone should be going here for ramen.

Speaker 52 The whole place is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 28 Eating here is just the golden ticket.

Speaker 40 Heidi and the band are planning on coming soon too.

Speaker 80 Wow.

Speaker 90 Our fans are completely insane.

Speaker 139 Let's go. Wow.

Speaker 26 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 60 So, this is happening.

Speaker 58 Are there any one-star reviews recently?

Speaker 28 Let's see.

Speaker 12 That's how we normally do this.

Speaker 22 Just five stars.

Speaker 27 Sometimes you have to balance the scales a little bit.

Speaker 26 Yeah, there it is.

Speaker 28 Click on that thing.

Speaker 102 Ooh.

Speaker 12 Oh, no recent ones.

Speaker 17 It's all old.

Speaker 58 All of them are six years ago or more.

Speaker 89 Absolutely incredible, Kansai.

Speaker 120 Yeah!

Speaker 110 Wow.

Speaker 128 Thank you.

Speaker 141 Thank you, guys.

Speaker 22 So tell us, what else has been happening, Kansai?

Speaker 52 Anything else going on in your life that you're excited about?

Speaker 112 I am

Speaker 126 going

Speaker 126 tour.

Speaker 79 Oh, you're going on tour?

Speaker 65 Where are you going to go?

Speaker 112 Canada.

Speaker 40 Oh, wow. You live in Canada.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Very exciting.

Speaker 105 But you're doing other cities in Canada.

Speaker 112 Oldest, yeah, oldest city in Canada. Right.
Thank you too. Edinburgh.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 142 Edinburgh?

Speaker 80 Edmonton.

Speaker 5 Edmonton.

Speaker 142 That's UK.

Speaker 139 Ottawa. Ottawa.

Speaker 5 Vancouver. Vancouver.

Speaker 128 Victoria.

Speaker 5 Calgary.

Speaker 94 Calgary. Calgary.
Calgary.

Speaker 108 Oshawa. Oshawa.

Speaker 93 New Newfoundland.

Speaker 5 Newfoundland.

Speaker 54 Newfoundland.

Speaker 92 Newfoundland.

Speaker 100 Halifax.

Speaker 65 Halifax.

Speaker 58 You ever perform stand-up in Japanese?

Speaker 112 In Japanese, it's really hard for me.

Speaker 17 It's really hard for you?

Speaker 112 Yeah, I'm not funny in Japanese. Okay.

Speaker 26 But you say you're bilingual, so you can talk in Japanese.

Speaker 37 It's just hard to be funny in Japanese.

Speaker 112 Yeah, it's a different type of humor.

Speaker 142 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 113 Plus all the bowing fucks up the timing.

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Do you have any jokes in Japanese?

Speaker 58 Can you do one short joke in Japanese?

Speaker 61 Okay.

Speaker 54 Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 26 Ladies and gentlemen, performing in Japanese.

Speaker 58 In Japanese. is Kansai Yasuda.

Speaker 112 Super Asian.

Speaker 120 Ah.

Speaker 46 Kansai, Kansai, Kansai.

Speaker 46 Very good, Kansai. Another amazing performance.

Speaker 17 You are truly one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world.

Speaker 96 Enjoy your Canadian tour and your newfound fame and your delicious ramen.

Speaker 39 Are they giving it?

Speaker 80 They give it to you for free now, right?

Speaker 112 Free ramen, yes. Every day.

Speaker 15 Free ramen. Every day.

Speaker 40 We're feeding them, people. I'm getting five.

Speaker 10 Kansai Yasuda. Reaping the benefits.

Speaker 141 Check out my tour, please.

Speaker 96 How do people get tickets to your Canadian tour?

Speaker 112 Go to my Instagram.

Speaker 54 What?

Speaker 5 Wait, what did you say?

Speaker 41 Go to your what?

Speaker 112 Instagram Instagram Instagram Instagram Instagram

Speaker 5 yeah

Speaker 12 Kansei comedy Kansai Comedy that's K-A-N-S

Speaker 14 E-I very good yes

Speaker 46 comedy one more time for Kansei Yasuda ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 44 back to the bucket we go I pulled one of the names of a young lady.

Speaker 49 Ooh la la Heidi. Oh my goodness gracious.

Speaker 44 How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 141 If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder. Because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Speaker 141 Made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

Speaker 115 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 145 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 136 He's going the distance.

Speaker 29 He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 115 When it started to change, it was quick. He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.
Now, Charlie's sober. He's gonna tell you the truth.

Speaker 145 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 115 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 32 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 136 Somebody call action.

Speaker 143 AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 13 Uh, this young lady was pulled out of the bucket in Phoenix, Arizona years ago.

Speaker 86 It's been a while since she's been on the show. This is very exciting.

Speaker 133 Make some noise for Celia Contreras, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 146 So I on a rape whistle

Speaker 146 because I like to blast off a little tune before I get started.

Speaker 146 I went hitchhiking recently and all my friends and family said stupid ass shit to me. They're like, what if you get raped or kidnapped? Y'all see me, right?

Speaker 146 If somebody raped or kidnapped me, that motherfucker earned it.

Speaker 146 Do you know how hard it is for guys to fuck me with my consent?

Speaker 146 I have to spread my legs as far as I can on them down there with a Call of Duty headset and give them directions.

Speaker 146 You're gonna go six clicks to the north.

Speaker 146 You're going to go through the main tunnel. The two smaller tunnels on either side are dead ends.

Speaker 146 And at the end of the night, they still jizz on my thigh. And at that point, I just want them to go home.
So I'm like, good job, soldier.

Speaker 54 He did your country post.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 10 Exactly a minute.

Speaker 23 Celia Contreras.

Speaker 5 is back on the show.

Speaker 72 Hello, Celia.

Speaker 4 How are you?

Speaker 54 I'm going through a lot right now. Okay.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 74 All right.

Speaker 146 I wasn't supposed to be here. I was supposed to fly back to Phoenix.

Speaker 5 I live there.

Speaker 55 I moved back. Uh-huh.

Speaker 146 But my friend fucked me over, ghosted the show he asked me to be on.

Speaker 146 So I was supposed to leave Saturday or Sunday, and now I'm here till Friday.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 40 And then you're going to Phoenix.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 40 And you're going to do a show there.

Speaker 146 Well, I live there now.

Speaker 5 Oh, you live there now? Yeah.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 5 So you're back in Phoenix.

Speaker 146 Yeah. I love Austin and I love Texas, but my heart belongs to Arizona.

Speaker 54 I'm sorry.

Speaker 61 Right.

Speaker 103 That makes sense. What do you love about Arizona?

Speaker 58 What exactly is it?

Speaker 146 Well, I didn't know what the dry heat was until I came here.

Speaker 126 Uh-huh.

Speaker 146 That's part of it. But also, I'm smarter than everybody in Arizona because we're 49th in education.

Speaker 141 Right.

Speaker 70 Right.

Speaker 146 So I just kind of miss shitting on everybody in Arizona.

Speaker 53 That makes sense.

Speaker 38 That makes sense.

Speaker 58 And that's Phoenix where you live?

Speaker 146 Yeah, I'm Phoenix now. I'm born and raised Flagstaff, Arizona.

Speaker 51 Okay, very good.

Speaker 84 You're fantastic at comedy.

Speaker 77 Remind us, how long have you been doing it?

Speaker 146 My nine-year anniversary was in May.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 88 Nine years.

Speaker 16 And what

Speaker 100 did you survive solely off of comedy?

Speaker 58 Stand-up, doing stand-up?

Speaker 146 For the last two years, yes, and the kindness of strangers and friends. And also selling titty pics to lonely men online.

Speaker 65 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 20 What is a titty pic from Celia Contreras run exactly?

Speaker 146 Like, here's the thing: it's the same with my tarot card readings. Like, it's like, if you're lonely enough, if I think you're going to kill yourself, it's free.

Speaker 59 Okay.

Speaker 146 And it's, and it's legal to be topless in downtown Austin.

Speaker 146 So there's some people who like, it's like, this motherfucker needs a win. They're not the best titties, but here you go.

Speaker 5 Right.

Speaker 64 Okay.

Speaker 8 Wow. You are.

Speaker 146 Lately, $25 to $50 online.

Speaker 17 Joe's about to kill himself here.

Speaker 146 Dude, I love Joe. We had a heart-to-heart about Lord of the Rings.

Speaker 54 Wow.

Speaker 68 He's trying to get in your mortality.

Speaker 146 Just sign the guest book on the way out.

Speaker 98 We talked about Lord of the Rings, but I said that I was not a huge fan, correct?

Speaker 146 You want me to lie for you right now?

Speaker 55 No. Oh.

Speaker 98 What did I say about Lord of the Rings, though?

Speaker 39 What did they say?

Speaker 146 Dude, you told me to watch the one with the shadows in the background.

Speaker 67 Yeah, the cartoon from the 70s.

Speaker 118 Yes.

Speaker 146 And I'm halfway through that and I fucking love it. But the thing is, like, I need to pay.

Speaker 5 It's only an hour long.

Speaker 67 I'm troubled that you had to split it up into parts.

Speaker 146 To be fair, by the time I have to watch it, we all know I'm an alcoholic. I drank Tony's Crown.

Speaker 3 That is true.

Speaker 146 Yeah.

Speaker 146 But, like, I can't process new shit. Like, I can't watch something new if I'm writing jokes and/or if I'm trying to fall asleep.
Otherwise, I'll stay up all night trying to watch shit. Okay.

Speaker 17 Or I'll just completely miss the show.

Speaker 146 So I've actually tried to re-watch it like four times and I love it, but I'm trying to write jokes.

Speaker 98 I don't, you could just set aside time to watch something.

Speaker 73 Are you writing?

Speaker 98 What is are you writing, like, I mean, your comedy is very funny.

Speaker 98 So if that's what it takes, that's great.

Speaker 146 Well, it's comedy and my major because I have bipolar disorder.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 146 So, I have to fill that out where I'm like keeping track of how much alcohol I have. And I normally do good until about 8 p.m.

Speaker 52 That's how most alcoholics are.

Speaker 63 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5 8 p.m.

Speaker 35 I know what I am.

Speaker 146 Yeah. I'm working on it.

Speaker 61 No, that makes sense.

Speaker 69 Did you say?

Speaker 5 Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Speaker 67 No, I was going to say, did you say you also do tarot card readings?

Speaker 146 I do tarot card readings. I can kind of do a palm reading.

Speaker 146 And yeah.

Speaker 18 Oh, shit. What do we got here?

Speaker 146 This is your dominant hand.

Speaker 113 This is my dominant hand.

Speaker 146 May I?

Speaker 108 Please.

Speaker 51 Oh my god.

Speaker 51 Ow.

Speaker 54 Sorry.

Speaker 124 That's my hitchhiking thumb.

Speaker 146 I might have to hitchhike back home after Friday. We'll play by Aaron.
But this, this is your lifeline. So it's pretty long.

Speaker 5 Sweet. So

Speaker 146 at the very least, you're not going to die at least until your 60s or 70s.

Speaker 53 Let's go.

Speaker 54 Wow. All right.

Speaker 146 This is your romance line. I don't know your relationships at all, but it's kind of like on this weird linear path.
It should go here.

Speaker 146 Well, it's kind of going this way, but that's a faint line. So, uh.

Speaker 113 Does it say anything about possibly getting my dick sucked by my wife tonight?

Speaker 146 No.

Speaker 146 Fuck!

Speaker 14 Damn.

Speaker 14 So close.

Speaker 146 These three lines here say you'll have at least three kids.

Speaker 3 I do have three kids.

Speaker 59 Wow.

Speaker 31 Look at that.

Speaker 5 Hey, come over here. Read Red Band's lifeline real quick.

Speaker 68 I'm really curious.

Speaker 55 Hold on.

Speaker 146 I am too fat to walk over there and look at Red Band.

Speaker 12 Red Band, go over there real quick.

Speaker 94 I want to know.

Speaker 46 I got to know what his lifeline's looking like.

Speaker 3 For those of you that don't follow him on Instagram, he posts pictures of every disgusting meal that he eats, which is every night in the middle of the night.

Speaker 111 Always sugary, lots of carbs.

Speaker 40 He can't stop posting about it, even though I make fun of him every single day about it.

Speaker 5 He'll literally post, oh, my girlfriend made me fried donuts at 3 a.m.

Speaker 5 So I just can't imagine how long is that lifeline Red Ben doesn't have a lifeline, he's a drive-through line

Speaker 17 What are we looking at, Celia?

Speaker 146 Real quick, Red Pen, do you have your affairs in order?

Speaker 146 No, like you have like five splayed lifelines, but like they don't get to here, so

Speaker 146 you might die sooner than you want to. That's one possibility.

Speaker 146 But it could mean you'll live longer, but you're just going to have a fuck ton of like health problems.

Speaker 146 Perfect. So like we're talking heart disease.

Speaker 22 That fly just flew out of his ear.

Speaker 54 Is that a good sign?

Speaker 146 Also, I missed you guys.

Speaker 12 Come on back, Red Band.

Speaker 21 You look fantastic.

Speaker 90 Look at this in-and-out bag coming towards me.

Speaker 17 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 37 There you go. Sit down.

Speaker 40 Celia, fun times. Anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on?

Speaker 146 Well, a lot of crazy shit, but like, I'm not going to bore them with it because it's crazy for me, not for them.

Speaker 126 I love it.

Speaker 146 Tony, can I ask you a question? Okay. I meant you to sign my Marriott card from when we went to celebrity theater, but could you sign this wristband for me?

Speaker 55 Okay. Yep.

Speaker 69 I'd really appreciate it.

Speaker 88 Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 98 You hate to see a wristband drop in value like that.

Speaker 37 It's instructions on.

Speaker 117 You're now her emergency contact at her rehab facility

Speaker 17 Celia here's a here's a big joke book you got it I'm gonna try to aim it right at those fucking money bags there you go yeah you see that that's how you do it you just fucking

Speaker 100 sometimes you gotta use the old bread baskets there one more time for Celia contreras everybody

Speaker 43 All right, we're having fun in here tonight.

Speaker 5 Okay

Speaker 40 We're gonna meet your next next bucket full altogether.

Speaker 86 It goes by the name of Joe Ellis.

Speaker 5 Joe Ellis.

Speaker 137 Joe Ellis.

Speaker 119 My name is Joe Ellis. I have served in the military for 16 years as a Blackhawk pilot.

Speaker 119 Yep.

Speaker 119 Happy Pride I've been fired by President Trump. He said, you're fired.

Speaker 42 Yep.

Speaker 119 So I figured I'd start my career in stand-up comedy. I hear it's very lucrative.
So here I am first time signing up and this is exciting. I'm not sure if you could tell that I was trans.

Speaker 119 I'm always like kind of self-conscious about my voice. I figured it'd give me away.
But men I've been with lately actually said it was my dick.

Speaker 119 Yep, so that answered that question.

Speaker 119 Being fired is not the only surprise I've had this year. I was also accused of crashing my Blackhawk into an airliner in DC

Speaker 119 back in January. I don't know if you all saw that.
It kind of blew up online.

Speaker 119 There it is. Yeah.

Speaker 119 Yeah, trans terrorists that committed a murder-suicide, killing 67 people, including myself. And during the doxing process, when I was number two on Twitter that weekend,

Speaker 119 they found out I'm converting to Judaism. And so, trans and Jewish, if you haven't noticed, my hobby lately is collecting identities that people hate.
Thank you.

Speaker 10 Holy shit, Joe Ellis.

Speaker 16 I have a thousand questions.

Speaker 22 I'm so excited you're here.

Speaker 17 Let's check in with Tim Butterly first, Tim.

Speaker 113 It's just a crying shame that the military let a female black hawk pilot go just for having a white cock.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 38 That's a great point.

Speaker 124 You are

Speaker 109 a

Speaker 69 powerful, powerful presence, Joe Ellis.

Speaker 15 Welcome to the show.

Speaker 25 How long were you in the military for?

Speaker 119 16 years.

Speaker 53 16 years.

Speaker 18 And you really

Speaker 58 got released recently?

Speaker 119 I am currently in the process of separation.

Speaker 20 And how exactly were you informed why or how that happens?

Speaker 119 They said, hey, you're a tranny, you're getting fucking kicked out.

Speaker 63 Is that true?

Speaker 119 I mean, they didn't say it like that, but the executive order came out and they said all trans out of the military and I was one of them.

Speaker 58 So 16 years, do you get like all your benefits and stuff?

Speaker 52 Is it kind of like a good separation?

Speaker 119 Not really. Really?

Speaker 48 What's the downside? Can you kind of explain it to us?

Speaker 28 Because we have no idea how it works.

Speaker 119 I'm being discharged under a code

Speaker 119 that means I'm a national security concern.

Speaker 115 Interesting.

Speaker 119 Same thing that they discharged gay people out of during prior, you know, don't ask, don't tell.

Speaker 58 So how long, you've been in the military 16 years.

Speaker 27 How long of that were you a female?

Speaker 37 Does this make sense?

Speaker 119 It does.

Speaker 119 So I transitioned in 2023.

Speaker 119 During the Biden administration when it was allowed.

Speaker 119 And then the new administration came in. They said, sorry, but because you did that, now you're disqualified.

Speaker 78 So, when you say that you transition, does that mean like you just

Speaker 47 let your hair grow out?

Speaker 21 Like, what exactly does that mean?

Speaker 119 Yeah, I started hormones. I call them my titty skittles.

Speaker 119 I grew these. These are natural.

Speaker 24 Uh-huh. Yeah.

Speaker 119 Okay. And then I got a face surgery, which I paid out of pocket for all this, $60,000 for this beautiful face.

Speaker 80 Right.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 90 Okay.

Speaker 119 And I've I've been shopping for vaginas lately, but I haven't done that yet.

Speaker 37 What is the shopping process for vaginas like exactly?

Speaker 119 It's crazy because I still kind of have like a guy brain. So like I shop it like I'm shopping for cars on Facebook Marketplace.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 119 Like, you know, I'm just like, oh, check out this one. I found out there's two types.

Speaker 116 Uh-huh.

Speaker 119 There's a full depth and a no-depth.

Speaker 134 Oh, why would anyone want a no-depth?

Speaker 119 I don't know because it's like getting a Lamborghini without an engine.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 23 What the fuck?

Speaker 15 It's like having a little kiddie inflatable pool in your backyard instead of the deep dive with a diving board.

Speaker 56 Joe DeRosa is freaking out right now.

Speaker 21 We're going to let him ask this question.

Speaker 118 It's hard as a rock. Can I beg you?

Speaker 98 Can I beg you to not get the vagina?

Speaker 99 Don't ruin this beautiful thing you've done.

Speaker 98 Keep the wonderful cock.

Speaker 98 I mean,

Speaker 73 that's awesome.

Speaker 124 Thank you.

Speaker 119 Thank you. It does play well in certain demographics, like by women, men in their 40s.

Speaker 14 all right we'll talk yeah Joe DeRosa famously got his dick sucked at Skank Fest and John oh no that's not the story we heard actually with yeah you got a wait you gave it a blowjob no no no no no no you gave a blowjob

Speaker 67 I would tell you I would tell you I have no I have no shame right

Speaker 58 it's okay you don't have to you don't have to just make noises just because you're excited now but don't I have questions for you Joe Ellis so I've always wondered what this thing is like.

Speaker 28 So

Speaker 56 first of all, like when did you start to think that you're a woman?

Speaker 48 Like was it when you were a kid or is it something that

Speaker 119 yeah so five years old I had symptoms but because I grew up in a conservative homeschooled religious household My dad worked for Pat Robertson at CBN, you know, that kind of environment. Yeah.

Speaker 113 I didn't know what it was.

Speaker 119 I just thought it meant I was a bad person.

Speaker 119 And then when I was in Army training in Sears School, which is an intense survival survival school, I was locked in a box as they do for about 12 hours.

Speaker 38 Were locked in a box?

Speaker 25 Were you locked in any bags?

Speaker 38 Were you locked in bags and boxes?

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 118 Everyone just wanted a million dollars.

Speaker 37 It's a reference from earlier.

Speaker 68 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 5 Okay, so you were locked in a box.

Speaker 119 And very hungry, very tired. And that's when I just started having these epiphanies that like I couldn't push it away anymore because I was so exhausted.
I was like, oh shit.

Speaker 119 I think this means I'm trans. I guess I have to deal with this when I get out.
And I sought therapy and that's how it started. So you could say the Army transed me.

Speaker 18 Very interesting. Why did they put you in a box?

Speaker 119 Well, that's just part of the POW training that you go through.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 84 And when you say you were five years old and you started having symptoms, what exactly does that mean?

Speaker 61 What were those symptoms?

Speaker 119 I would steal my sister's clothes and dress up and then be scolded for that being a terrible thing and boys don't do that and

Speaker 119 lots of gender envy so like just seeing women and just being envious okay of them so now I'm going to ask you questions about the penis vagina thing

Speaker 31 which I find so interesting because you can come right now fuck yeah right that sounds a lot like me

Speaker 104 so you can come Now,

Speaker 84 help me to understand, because I'm just like, it's like I'm blind to it, right?

Speaker 41 Sorry D-Madness, but I just simply don't understand the idea of giving up coming forever to have just a physical thing.

Speaker 52 Can you kind of like help me to understand that?

Speaker 119 It's so advanced now. Most people can still come afterwards.

Speaker 85 You can come with a depth vagina?

Speaker 142 Hell yeah.

Speaker 5 Wow. And there's butt coming too.

Speaker 5 Butt coming.

Speaker 21 Buttcoming has entered the chat.

Speaker 15 Thanks to our senior butt coming correspondent Brian Redban.

Speaker 20 Butcoming, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 84 Is there a percentage of

Speaker 5 possible failure with the in-depth vagina?

Speaker 119 I've probably, like I said, I just started shopping recently.

Speaker 126 So

Speaker 82 an interesting thing.

Speaker 76 So,

Speaker 103 Joe Ellis, so what are you doing now?

Speaker 12 Now that you're out of the military,

Speaker 58 what's your new plan?

Speaker 119 Well, I do IT to pay the bills.

Speaker 119 And I've been a fan of comedy since I was a teenager.

Speaker 119 The vicious circle, Dane Cook era was huge to me. And just Richmond, where I'm from, gets a lot of great comedians, Tom Segura, Louis C.K.
coming through this year.

Speaker 119 And I just, I always go to shows, and I was like, oh, I would love to try that sometime. But until the crash rumor happened, I was nervous.

Speaker 56 So that's real.

Speaker 5 So that crash rules. Yeah, all that was real.

Speaker 58 Female pilot of the Black Hawk helicopter and someone started a conspiracy theorist that the female was actually trans and that it was on purpose.

Speaker 119 DEI hire.

Speaker 108 Wow.

Speaker 3 And that was you.

Speaker 119 That was me.

Speaker 26 And you got doxxed for that.

Speaker 47 Yep.

Speaker 119 And now I'm suing in federal court.

Speaker 79 Wow.

Speaker 3 Who are you suing?

Speaker 22 The news outlet that reported that?

Speaker 119 Matt Wallace. Okay.
On X or Twitter.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 58 Amazing. That's incredible.
And he must have done no research.

Speaker 88 He just heard it and ran with it or researched you and looked you up and just threw you under the bus.

Speaker 119 First one to tie my likeness to the rumor. We don't know if he started the rumor, but he had millions of followers.
He did the most what we can determine is damage.

Speaker 119 So, and because I was a private person, I didn't really have a social media following or anything. I think it's a good case.

Speaker 41 Were you already fired from the military just before that, or did that happen all at once?

Speaker 119 It kind of all happened at once. The executive order came out, which meant it was coming, but I was still, you know, serving.

Speaker 119 And then the crash happened that week and then I was named as as the pilot.

Speaker 3 Okay, let me ask you this.

Speaker 40 When you started taking the female hormones and everything like that, did you notice yourself kind of becoming a less tough soldier?

Speaker 58 Does that kind of make sense? Were you

Speaker 64 sore?

Speaker 117 Do you nag a lot?

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 119 I mean,

Speaker 98 ladies and gentlemen, we have woken Osama bin Laden up from a nap.

Speaker 119 My tits got sore because they were growing.

Speaker 108 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 103 But

Speaker 119 I was still mentally tough. Like, I'm still mostly me.

Speaker 25 Did it make you more emotional?

Speaker 119 At first, and then I got stable on them in a few months, and I was good to go.

Speaker 105 But you were in the military for a few months on medicine feeling kind of unstable.

Speaker 119 Not unstable, no, just emotional. Right.

Speaker 119 So I was grounded from flying during that time and then put back into

Speaker 119 service afterwards. I was deployable within six weeks.

Speaker 24 Hell yeah.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 58 So interesting. And what types of things over your 16 years of military service have you done?

Speaker 91 Did you go to the Middle East?

Speaker 119 I did. So before I became a warrant officer and a pilot a few years ago, I was a mechanic on helicopters.
And I doubled as a door gunner on the UH-60 during Iraq in 2011. So I was a door gunner.

Speaker 120 Hell yeah.

Speaker 120 Wow.

Speaker 40 And now you're about to bunker bust your dick off.

Speaker 16 That's incredible.

Speaker 77 This is absolutely amazing.

Speaker 98 Speaking of that, if I could urge you once again to just keep the beautiful gift God gave you.

Speaker 136 At least for one more night.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Cliko vision?

Speaker 84 Red Dan.

Speaker 56 Just don't do that anymore.

Speaker 134 Okay.

Speaker 18 So, Joe Ellis, explain to us what you're what you're, like, you want to do stand-up full-time now.

Speaker 119 Do you live here in austin i do not i live in richmond virginia richmond virginia okay that must be a tough place for a trans person to live am i right you kind of get stared at a lot i mean like that i get stared at everywhere i go i'm tall i'm yeah all these things exactly no it's richmond is actually like a blossoming queer community you'd be surprised okay yeah that's interesting what's your type This could be anything right here.

Speaker 88 What is the person that your type that you're most attracted to?

Speaker 119 Yeah, I mean, I lean towards women, but since transitioning, I have tried, you know, men.

Speaker 40 So you're kind of a lesbian.

Speaker 119 Kind of. I've got some stories.

Speaker 63 A lesbian with a penis.

Speaker 64 Built-in strap-on.

Speaker 119 Oh, I got a story about that.

Speaker 26 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 116 Like, what is a story?

Speaker 21 When you say you have stories, I agree with John Dees.

Speaker 22 I do believe it was on this.

Speaker 16 Who said that?

Speaker 17 Let's hear it.

Speaker 61 Yes.

Speaker 119 Since I've tried it all now since coming out, lesbian women have been interesting because some of them like that I have a dick and some of them don't.

Speaker 119 And some of them are like, well, I'd rather use toys or whatever. And I've got skills, I can do that.

Speaker 119 But one time, this one girl handed me, it was in a box, it was a toy, and it was a fucking strap-on.

Speaker 119 And I was like,

Speaker 64 yeah.

Speaker 119 It was offensive because it didn't have like vibrations or lasers or any cool shit. It was like as if I went and got mine made into one.
And I was like, I mean, I still fucked her with it.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 111 That's incredible.

Speaker 42 So you put it above your penis and just.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 119 I mean, it's great if you want to do like DP, like like double penetration oh my goodness i that's amazing red band is in his glory right now i don't think i've ever seen him more happen

Speaker 14 also

Speaker 59 joe uh speaking of toys i have uh what's called a coleco vision

Speaker 3 I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but I'm happy to show you.

Speaker 73 That's for zero penetration.

Speaker 17 Joe Ellis, I like your style.

Speaker 41 You're getting a big joke book.

Speaker 10 There's a black one.

Speaker 72 How about that? Boom.

Speaker 39 Oh, she catches like a woman, everybody.

Speaker 14 The transition is happening.

Speaker 41 Catches like a real woman, not like a guy that was in the military for 16 years, but like a brand new female.

Speaker 9 Now, I'm going to hand this to you, but you need to promise you're not going to try to turn this into a little joke book.

Speaker 108 I promise.

Speaker 48 That's funny.

Speaker 21 Joe Ellis, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 45 Thank you, Joe Ellis.

Speaker 50 Fun times.

Speaker 13 All right, your next bucket pull is on the inside.

Speaker 44 A comedian from around here.

Speaker 86 He's been on this show before.

Speaker 44 Make some noise for Keith Ray, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 31 Is Keith Ray around?

Speaker 108 Keith Ray?

Speaker 45 We have movement by Keith Ray.

Speaker 31 I'm not seeing movement.

Speaker 109 Oh boy.

Speaker 30 What a disaster.

Speaker 31 Keith Ray.

Speaker 147 Our paz on them. Our paz on them.
Our paz on them. Fuzzy.

Speaker 148 Make your next move with American Express Business Platinum. Earn five times membership rewards points on flights and prepaid hotels booked on amextravel.com.

Speaker 148 And with a welcome offer of 150,000 points, after you spend $20,000 on purchases on the card within your first three months of membership, your business can soar to new heights. Terms apply.

Speaker 148 Learn more at AmericanExpress.com slash business dash platinum. Amex Business Platinum.
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Speaker 149 I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone. Lowe's knows Sundays hit different when you earn them.

Speaker 149 We've got you covered with outdoor power equipment from Cobalt and everything you need to weatherproof your deck with Trex decking.

Speaker 149 Plus, with lawn care from Scotts and of course, pit boss grills and accessories, you can get a home field advantage all season long. So get to Lowe's, get it done, and earn your Sunday.

Speaker 128 Lowe's, official partner of the NFL.

Speaker 44 How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

Speaker 44 How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

Speaker 44 It's pretty good. Pretty good ratio there.

Speaker 49 You can turn down the inside lights.

Speaker 45 They're grabbing him. Here he comes.

Speaker 30 It's Keith Ray from the very, very back of the room.

Speaker 133 Here he comes. It's a long walk to the top.

Speaker 108 If you want to rock and roll.

Speaker 136 All right.

Speaker 45 One more time, ladies and gentlemen, for Keith Ray, everybody.

Speaker 76 A little about me.

Speaker 137 Obviously,

Speaker 137 I'm a big fan of the little mermaid.

Speaker 136 Yeah.

Speaker 137 Not so much Ariel.

Speaker 137 I like that Ursula.

Speaker 137 Yeah, I like that big bitch.

Speaker 137 She got ride or die bottom bitch energy.

Speaker 137 That's the kind of chick you can start an insurance fire with.

Speaker 137 And she's got eight legs. That's four pussies.
I know math.

Speaker 124 She's got them big old squid tits.

Speaker 137 Big old sack of mud titties we call them back home.

Speaker 137 Kind of tit you can smack one tit and it'll roll out

Speaker 124 Come back

Speaker 137 like the tide

Speaker 137 big old sheet cake lunch lady jugs

Speaker 137 kind of titties got the brown stain on the bottom from dipping in the manwitch juice

Speaker 137 I like a bitch so big her titties start in the middle of her back come swooping

Speaker 10 All right, Keith Ray with a full presentation for those of you that remember Ursula from the Little Mermaid.

Speaker 15 Wow, Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 98 Keith, I never thought I'd see a comedian that made Uncle Laser look distinguished.

Speaker 64 But dear lord.

Speaker 12 That is incredible. It's quite the breakdown of Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

Speaker 77 I don't even remember what that looks like or what it is or anything, really. I'm a big Little Mermaid.

Speaker 86 You've seen The Little Mermaid a lot? John Dee's just made a noise back here.

Speaker 11 She's a big bait.

Speaker 142 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 58 I get the point.

Speaker 65 She's a big girl, but a a lot of...

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah, that one.

Speaker 134 You watch The Little Mermaid a lot?

Speaker 137 When I was a kid.

Speaker 62 When you were a kid.

Speaker 26 Okay, and you still got her on the mind.

Speaker 128 There's still time to catch Celia on the way to the airport.

Speaker 4 That is true.

Speaker 63 That is true.

Speaker 5 A lot of bags, one box.

Speaker 4 Keith Gray.

Speaker 37 So remind everybody, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 79 12 years.

Speaker 84 12 years.

Speaker 58 And you live here in Austin.

Speaker 52 Tell us about your life.

Speaker 137 Well, I moved here back in 22 in January, and I lived in my van for four months.

Speaker 137 And then I moved into a room for rent above the Chupacabra Cantina.

Speaker 137 And

Speaker 137 spent the next two years drinking myself into oblivion.

Speaker 94 Yep.

Speaker 137 And I was one of the original 15 door guys here at the greatest club on planet Earth.

Speaker 141 It's true.

Speaker 22 One of the original door guys here at the mothership.

Speaker 137 And I was the first one fired.

Speaker 5 That is true.

Speaker 18 We all remember that.

Speaker 40 You were very, very sloppy.

Speaker 26 You would linger around until the wee hours of the night, keeping conversations going with absolutely anybody that would sit anywhere near you whatsoever.

Speaker 21 And it was unbelievably annoying.

Speaker 68 You were a terrible, terrible drinker.

Speaker 64 Yeah, I was.

Speaker 15 But you're sober now.

Speaker 137 14 years of daily practice, I never got good at it.

Speaker 127 And you're sober now.

Speaker 137 Yeah, I quit after I got fired.

Speaker 142 Right.

Speaker 137 And last November, I got passed as a regular here at the club.

Speaker 3 That is true.

Speaker 21 He closes some of the shows.

Speaker 110 I'm a little boy. Late at night.

Speaker 58 So, Keith, what did you do to quit drinking?

Speaker 84 How does someone that made their entire existence drinking and how do you quit?

Speaker 55 Well,

Speaker 137 I left town. I I thought I needed to change the scenery.

Speaker 137 So I went to L.A. for a couple months because that's like the worst drinking town in America.

Speaker 137 Everything's so spread out. And

Speaker 137 started going to yoga every day because you had turned me on to hot yoga. That's true.
Back when I was still in my drinking days.

Speaker 3 That is true.

Speaker 21 I insisted that you try hot yoga to try to reset something in your system.

Speaker 142 Yeah.

Speaker 137 And it worked.

Speaker 83 Uh-huh.

Speaker 138 Yeah.

Speaker 96 Look at you now.

Speaker 40 You can't imagine what he looked like before.

Speaker 118 I was going to say.

Speaker 98 You're sure you're going to hot yoga and not frozen yogurt?

Speaker 137 I love it. And then you got fat people at yoga class.

Speaker 58 Keith, what else do you do when you're not doing stand-up?

Speaker 137 I'm doing stand-up full-time now.

Speaker 80 Right, but like what else? Like at nighttime, for example, when you used to just get obliterated drunk. What do you do now?

Speaker 137 I don't know. I I like to watch the Sopranos with my girlfriend.

Speaker 59 Genius.

Speaker 60 I love that.

Speaker 137 That's pretty much. I like a nice bowl of ice cream from time to time.

Speaker 137 Okay.

Speaker 124 I'm a big Oreos guy now.

Speaker 65 Oh, look at that.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 100 How many Oreos are we talking about, Keith?

Speaker 137 I try and keep it in single digits.

Speaker 137 If I'd have done that when I was drinking, I probably wouldn't have had to quit.

Speaker 137 Hell yeah. Try and watch my overintake.
but yeah, I'm a milk and cookies guy now. I used to do Rails of Coke and drink bourbon by the fifth, but uh

Speaker 28 milk and cookies. Look at you.

Speaker 129 Adorable.

Speaker 58 Years away from being a mall Santa, assuredly.

Speaker 98 Joe DeRosa?

Speaker 98 I can't believe getting fired as a doorman was your bottom.

Speaker 41 You've mentioned eight worse bottoms in this interview than the door guy thing.

Speaker 112 Yeah, no,

Speaker 137 I quit drinking because this club's a family and I wasn't gonna pick the bottle over my family.

Speaker 17 It really is true.

Speaker 10 He's loved around here.

Speaker 17 Keith, a good set, rock solid.

Speaker 87 You already have a big joke book?

Speaker 137 No, I haven't done your show since it was in the belly room at the store.

Speaker 142 Wow.

Speaker 28 Well, guess what, my friend, Red Band.

Speaker 117 And love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, Keith.

Speaker 64 Keith Ray.

Speaker 127 I love you guys.

Speaker 45 Keith Ray.

Speaker 21 This is definitely a new name.

Speaker 22 I would know if I've pulled this out of the bucket before.

Speaker 37 Very interesting name.

Speaker 46 I'm excited about the Kill Tony debut of Sancho Pancho Villa.

Speaker 7 What's up guys?

Speaker 150 I know a lot of people can't tell most of the time, but I am vertically challenged.

Speaker 150 I'm 5'1 on a good day

Speaker 150 which is ironic because I'm actually into taller women

Speaker 150 but not for any weird like fetish reason like most normal people

Speaker 150 I just want to hopefully get one pregnant so that way my kids have a chance

Speaker 150 at a normal life

Speaker 150 but I can't date tall women anymore I can't do it.

Speaker 150 My last tall girlfriend, she got mad at me because I was going to go out on a Monday night and do some show called Kill Tony.

Speaker 150 And she was like, well, my horoscope is an asparagus or some bullshit.

Speaker 150 And she needed to be nurtured and comforted.

Speaker 150 So she's like, well, let's see how far you go without these. So she grabs my keys and she throws them on top of the refrigerator.

Speaker 150 So I can't date tall women anymore. Thank y'all so much.
I'm Sancho Panchavilla.

Speaker 58 Sancho Panchavilla.

Speaker 87 I like the way you say it.

Speaker 58 Sancho Panchavilla. Thank you very much.

Speaker 20 Sancho Panchavilla.

Speaker 150 Nice to see you again, Tony.

Speaker 58 Good to see you. You've been on the show before.

Speaker 150 No, we met around dinner like a few months back.

Speaker 54 Around dinner.

Speaker 116 What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 150 I was leaving the restaurant and you were going in. Okay.

Speaker 5 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 40 And I met you.

Speaker 150 Yeah,

Speaker 150 I can't be specific. I think it was like February 25th at like 5.03 p.m.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 76 All right.

Speaker 18 There you go.

Speaker 63 Amazing.

Speaker 58 Amazing, Sancho Panchabilla.

Speaker 98 Joe DeRosa. I just saw it today.
You were great in 28 years later.

Speaker 59 You were really.

Speaker 98 For the people that saw it, that's very funny.

Speaker 150 If you asked the women, it's 28 inches later.

Speaker 41 Whoa, this guy's claiming he has a huge cock.

Speaker 128 Is it as big as you?

Speaker 150 I'm average for my size.

Speaker 96 You are adorable, Sancho Panchabilla. I gotta know, what do you do for work looking like that?

Speaker 150 I have a part-time job as an operations assistant.

Speaker 58 What exactly are you assisting in operations?

Speaker 150 It's this.

Speaker 51 Chocolate factory.

Speaker 5 He's an umpa lumpa via.

Speaker 117 That was my last job, but I got caught fucking Mrs.

Speaker 150 Oompa Lumpa. So

Speaker 88 seriously, stick with the actual questions here.

Speaker 116 What are you working?

Speaker 150 No, I do assistant for operations for like a trailer repair company and like Kyle. So I set that up so I could come here on Mondays to make sure I could sign up.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 76 So

Speaker 91 what's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning, Sancho Panchabia?

Speaker 58 Does someone have to let you out of the crib that you sleep in, or

Speaker 5 you kind of crawl out on your own?

Speaker 107 You kind of put a little

Speaker 64 ladder there.

Speaker 54 A grasshopper opens my drawer.

Speaker 150 no I like to drink a lot so I just make sure I go check make sure I didn't crash my car

Speaker 150 I mean that's

Speaker 57 so when you say you drink a lot what do you mean exactly you go to bars well I was in the Marines so I have a high tolerance so I just I drink a lot you were in the Marines yes sir somehow sir this is crazier than anybody else we found out that did military service today I have a tattoo

Speaker 51 Holy fucking shit.

Speaker 73 It's on my license.

Speaker 83 Oh my God.

Speaker 85 What exactly did you do in the military?

Speaker 150 Well, I was 5'3 when I joined. Now I'm 5'1.

Speaker 113 But no, that's true.

Speaker 150 I was an engineer company, so we built stuff, blew it up,

Speaker 150 and

Speaker 150 yeah, just heavy equipment operations, generator, mechanic, stuff like that.

Speaker 74 Wow.

Speaker 79 Absolutely incredible, Sancho Pancho Villa.

Speaker 94 Yeah, man.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 26 So when you say you drink a lot, like what does that mean?

Speaker 58 Like two or three drinks and you're trashed?

Speaker 150 No, like

Speaker 150 maybe after like

Speaker 150 five dough whiskey sprites and like seven tequilas and I'm buzzing.

Speaker 107 Oh my god.

Speaker 25 And what do you like to do when you get drunk?

Speaker 5 Do you like flirt with girls?

Speaker 150 I like to talk to married women, but no.

Speaker 15 Is that true?

Speaker 150 Yeah, no. So

Speaker 150 I got the nickname Sancho

Speaker 150 by always like not caring who I'm flirting with.

Speaker 3 Really? Yes, yes.

Speaker 58 What does Sancho mean?

Speaker 150 It means like a side dude. It's like a term of endearment in Hispanic culture for like a guy that sleeps with married women.

Speaker 18 Really? Yes.

Speaker 111 So that really is a thing of yours.

Speaker 118 It is. It is.

Speaker 76 Wow.

Speaker 16 So how many, if you had to guess how many married women you've slept with, Sancho Panchavilla, how many would that number be?

Speaker 150 Married women, because I also sleep with people with like boyfriends and stuff like that.

Speaker 67 So married women.

Speaker 56 So you're before you answer, you're specifically into women that have someone else.

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 105 That's like a thing of yours.

Speaker 150 It wasn't at the beginning, but it's just become.

Speaker 57 So when you go up to a woman at a bar and you're like, hey, you know, what's up?

Speaker 38 Nice to meet you.

Speaker 62 Do you have a boyfriend?

Speaker 75 And they say yes, you are into it more.

Speaker 150 My first question is, how tall are they? Is my first question. How tall are you? No, whenever they say, oh, I have a boyfriend, I'm like, okay, how tall is he?

Speaker 24 Oh.

Speaker 150 And then if he's not like over 6'5, I'm like, like, I can fight him.

Speaker 58 You think you could fight someone that's as long as they're not over 6'5?

Speaker 54 I know it.

Speaker 5 I know I could.

Speaker 58 I would almost argue that you have a bigger advantage over someone that's taller than 6'5.

Speaker 3 You could shoot low.

Speaker 15 Seems like you would get the fucking absolute shit beat out of you by a 6'3 guy.

Speaker 150 No, I got like a strong job, but like I'll pick someone up and slam them. I'm like, nah.

Speaker 22 Okay, Sancho Panchabillo.

Speaker 107 Has that ever happened before?

Speaker 6 Have you gotten also if you squeeze his legs together he's got a really mean this thing

Speaker 17 It's an action figure.

Speaker 12 Oh my god Sancho Pancho Bill.

Speaker 150 So let's go back to that number ballpark number of married women It's probably like not to be specific, but like 27.

Speaker 68 Oh my god.

Speaker 62 So have you obviously 27 right?

Speaker 5 Yes, sir.

Speaker 27 Even though I'm sure you're exaggerating by fucking like 26.

Speaker 51 I'm not.

Speaker 39 Not.

Speaker 76 So,

Speaker 94 I'm not. I'm not.

Speaker 76 So,

Speaker 37 has there been times, obviously there must be, where you kind of got in trouble, kind of got caught, right?

Speaker 38 The husband finds out, tracks her down.

Speaker 52 She's at your place, something like that.

Speaker 150 No, I always go to her house or her place, or we do it in the car.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 150 And then I'm 5'1 on a good day, so I I get out any size window so

Speaker 150 what like in case the husband gets home early I can escape out any size window yeah I'd argue that

Speaker 103 you have any special go ahead Joe DeRosa

Speaker 5 maybe a bay window

Speaker 106 You have any special moves in the bedroom, Sancho Pancho Villa?

Speaker 111 How do you please these women?

Speaker 103 What's your specialty?

Speaker 150 Well, so I'm so short, I go up on women. So, like, I start and I start like from the clit, and then you know, I start like kissing the thighs and stuff like that.

Speaker 150 Usually, it's a lot of like vaginal play, and like that, just

Speaker 5 vaginal play.

Speaker 111 Oh, my goodness, yeah, so keep describing this vaginal play to us.

Speaker 58 This episode is brought to you by Talk Space Prize Picks and Tacobas, by the way.

Speaker 46 I forgot to mention that earlier.

Speaker 68 They're gonna love that shout-out right there.

Speaker 14 Yeah, man.

Speaker 90 Because now it's part of an internet clip.

Speaker 64 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 150 So like when I first joined the Marines, like my training sergeant, he gave me this book and it was like

Speaker 150 how to complete a female orgasm. And I read the whole book.
And so yeah, so

Speaker 150 it just said like, oh, yeah, you know, you want to make sure that you do the alphabet and you do the ton tornado, you know.

Speaker 150 And then I just make sure that they get close to climaxing, but I make sure they don't finish because I still want to fuck. So like, you know.

Speaker 20 You think if you make them finish, they're not going to want to fuck?

Speaker 150 Um, um, yeah, no, I don't think that, but it's just a precaution.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 107 You know, like,

Speaker 17 have you ever, has that ever happened where you've given a woman an orgasm and then they don't let you fuck afterwards?

Speaker 150 Uh, only when she's sobered up. No, uh,

Speaker 121 no, it's never happened, not yet.

Speaker 150 Right. And I hope it doesn't.

Speaker 7 So, okay.

Speaker 64 Tim Butterly.

Speaker 75 Uh, I know you said you've sworn off tall women, but we had an absolute knockout blonde a couple of comments ago.

Speaker 110 Now,

Speaker 6 I don't think that's a good thing.

Speaker 75 It kind of depends on how you feel about a shallow vaginal canal.

Speaker 21 I think it's going to work perfectly for her.

Speaker 76 Perfect. It's perfect.

Speaker 39 If that dick looks like the tater-tot that I'm picturing.

Speaker 107 Hey,

Speaker 150 but at 100 miles an hour, they're going to feel it. You know what I'm saying? Wow.

Speaker 21 Is that what you do?

Speaker 5 You have 100 mile an hour pelvic thrust?

Speaker 54 Yeah, I don't look like that.

Speaker 17 Can you show us can you show us what you fuck like can no not your dick just your hip movement while fucking man, like so like it's just like you don't need to fuck the desk We want you out there so that we could kind of see it go back that way take a step back right in that light right there.

Speaker 6 Yes

Speaker 150 So like I'm make sure I stretch so I don't pull anything

Speaker 150 and then like I just like fucking oh my god

Speaker 106 Wow Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 21 One of the most disgusting episodes in this show's history.

Speaker 98 This is not the first time I've asked this question on this show. What the fuck is happening right now?

Speaker 64 Yeah, man. What is going on?

Speaker 68 It is incredible.

Speaker 17 This is a wild episode.

Speaker 58 Sancho Panchabilla, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

Speaker 150 I support this non-profit for veterans, disabled veterans.

Speaker 17 Nothing better after 35 fast pelvic thrusts than giving a shout out to a good old non-profit.

Speaker 90 What exactly is this non-profit that you're promoting right now?

Speaker 150 Yeah, so it's it's it's aherousa.org

Speaker 150 and um it's ran by my former uh you know commanding officer and it's just bringing a bunch of disabled veterans together through outdoor activities.

Speaker 22 Yeah, amazing. I love it.

Speaker 87 Thank you.

Speaker 10 Sancho, Concho, Via, here's the little joke book, or as you call it, a joke book.

Speaker 108 hey

Speaker 13 him and Joe Ellis catch this thing

Speaker 5 that would be a magical a magical connection

Speaker 13 all right let's get one more bucket pull in here make some noise ladies and gentlemen for Mike Ryan Mike Ryan

Speaker 140 One thing that I've discovered about doing comedy comedy is that I don't fit in.

Speaker 140 I don't fit into the comedy scene of Houston where I'm from.

Speaker 98 I don't fit in with all these other comedians.

Speaker 94 Mainly because, like, they all grow up class clowns or they're molested.

Speaker 60 The lucky ones were both.

Speaker 140 And I feel like at 37 years old, I'm too old for either of those things to happen for me.

Speaker 24 At least without being my fault.

Speaker 140 Like, if I get molested at 37 years old,

Speaker 64 that's on me.

Speaker 94 That's my bad.

Speaker 53 What was I wearing?

Speaker 140 It's been kind of a tough year.

Speaker 140 They took away Pornhub in Texas.

Speaker 140 Got so bad this morning I had jack off using my imagination.

Speaker 60 Turns out I'm pretty fucking gay, dude.

Speaker 124 I had no idea. How am I supposed to tell my mom that I'm a Democrat now?

Speaker 137 I'm not going to be one without the other.

Speaker 59 Thank you.

Speaker 17 Fuck yeah, Mike Ryan.

Speaker 87 You've been on this show before, Mike.

Speaker 10 Welcome.

Speaker 5 Hey, Dunn.

Speaker 58 Remind the people, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 140 One year, seven months.

Speaker 58 And what do you do for work?

Speaker 140 I'm a logistics coordinator in a refinery.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 142 Like

Speaker 40 an alcohol refinery.

Speaker 60 A chemical refinery.

Speaker 96 A chemical refinery.

Speaker 26 What type of chemical exactly?

Speaker 140 Olefins Olefins is what they use to make plastics.

Speaker 61 Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 Is that hazardous to be around?

Speaker 65 Yeah, probably.

Speaker 124 We're going to find out.

Speaker 106 Yeah, we are.

Speaker 15 God damn, that's pretty crazy.

Speaker 12 How long have you worked there?

Speaker 5 About two years.

Speaker 91 Okay, and it pays well?

Speaker 115 It's pretty good.

Speaker 43 Long hours?

Speaker 140 No, I probably shouldn't say this, but...

Speaker 140 I don't work very much when I'm not on a project. It's like, you know, it's really chill.
But when I'm on a project, it's 84-hour weeks.

Speaker 142 84-hour weeks.

Speaker 3 Oh, geez. Whoa.

Speaker 24 Yeah, I did the math on that.

Speaker 53 That fucking sucks.

Speaker 5 Holy shit.

Speaker 83 Damn.

Speaker 25 And is that mostly like sitting in a chair?

Speaker 5 Like, what do you do?

Speaker 140 Yeah, I'm in a chair. So I coordinate the logistics, the shipping and receiving of everything that goes in and out of the plant.

Speaker 52 Okay. What do you do for fun?

Speaker 140 For the last year and seven months, just comedy.

Speaker 109 Other than that.

Speaker 65 You must have some kind of hobby or something.

Speaker 140 I like to hang out with my daughter. That's pretty cool.

Speaker 5 Okay, how old's your daughter? She's 12.

Speaker 104 12 years old?

Speaker 62 Look at you.

Speaker 58 I wouldn't have guessed that you came inside of somebody 12 years ago.

Speaker 140 You would be very surprised, yeah. Yep.

Speaker 5 Yep, I am exactly that surprised right now.

Speaker 40 But you only have one kid.

Speaker 109 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Amazing. And what's that like? Does the mom live near you?

Speaker 140 About 30 minutes away.

Speaker 115 All right.

Speaker 58 And you guys switch on and off or whatever?

Speaker 138 Yep.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 140 I got really lucky in the the baby mama department.

Speaker 138 Never had a problem.

Speaker 140 No fights. Nothing.

Speaker 61 Amazing.

Speaker 38 That is amazing.

Speaker 72 And so this 12-year-old growing up and 12 years old in the year 2025, what are you noticing?

Speaker 58 What's going on?

Speaker 68 Roblox is expensive.

Speaker 20 Is she trans yet?

Speaker 5 What's up? She's getting nothing.

Speaker 137 Oh, no, she's not trans. She's actually going to church camp in like two weeks.

Speaker 15 Oh, that's where you get trans at.

Speaker 14 So perfect.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 84 Amazing.

Speaker 26 What exactly is church camp?

Speaker 140 It's a camp. It's actually here in Austin.
I forget what it's called, but

Speaker 140 it's like a camp for girls that are Christian and like to hang out and have a good time at camp, I guess. I don't know.

Speaker 140 I don't ask too many questions about it.

Speaker 79 I love it. Yeah.

Speaker 5 I should.

Speaker 118 You could always just

Speaker 52 trust the adults at a church camp with your kids.

Speaker 22 What could possibly go wrong?

Speaker 59 Anyway,

Speaker 38 has she ever been to church camp before?

Speaker 140 Last year It was her first year, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 16 All right, good. So it's fine.

Speaker 79 All right, good.

Speaker 52 And yeah, Joe DeRosa, go ahead.

Speaker 24 I have a question.

Speaker 59 Red band. Wait, I'm sorry.

Speaker 6 Red band.

Speaker 15 You guys are somehow both dressed like two obese Kleenex boxes.

Speaker 10 It is shocking.

Speaker 55 According to the law.

Speaker 73 According to the laws of physics, one of you is going to disappear in a minute.

Speaker 17 How are you guys both dressed like the big island?

Speaker 98 Absolutely. A year and seven months.

Speaker 98 You're very slick with the comedy for that short a period of time.

Speaker 79 Thank you. I appreciate it.
I worked very hard at it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 24 Very good.

Speaker 140 I actually, you mentioned the shirt. I bought this shirt when I got booked to do Secret Show by Enrique because it matched the background.

Speaker 53 Nice.

Speaker 140 So Red Band did inspire this shirt.

Speaker 59 Wow.

Speaker 64 Oh, my God.

Speaker 43 Oh, my God.

Speaker 98 That wasn't the backdrop.

Speaker 75 Red Band was just standing behind you.

Speaker 134 I love it. Mike Ryan, what's something else we should know about you?

Speaker 28 Something crazy about your life or some weird habit that you do?

Speaker 91 What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

Speaker 142 Not pray.

Speaker 52 Yeah, but

Speaker 52 what do you do?

Speaker 140 So like I said, I work remote most of the time. So I kind of wake up and just turn the computer on and then turn it on.

Speaker 53 It's next to you in bed already?

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Okay.

Speaker 140 I'm very lazy. I don't know if you guys...

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 124 Do you jack off on the clock?

Speaker 142 No.

Speaker 60 I'm sorry, boss, if you see this.

Speaker 3 Better than the high school teacher earlier.

Speaker 140 I got the

Speaker 140 camera on my laptop covered, so we're good.

Speaker 65 Perfect.

Speaker 54 Okay. What about the microphone, though?

Speaker 5 How much noise do you make when you jack off, Red Band?

Speaker 3 You should hear him breathing throughout an episode.

Speaker 106 It's absolutely incredible that it doesn't sneak into every episode every second.

Speaker 42 But I get the amazing pleasure of hearing it out of my left ear for...

Speaker 127 12 years now, everybody.

Speaker 68 And now it's great.

Speaker 117 Mike, I would love to have you back on the secret show Wow, look at that.

Speaker 10 Look at that.

Speaker 45 And you already have a big joke book.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I do.

Speaker 22 Okay, well, awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

Speaker 46 Mike Ryan, everybody.

Speaker 87 Counts on a drown, baby.

Speaker 49 And that is indeed your final bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 46 How much fun have we had?

Speaker 86 Talk space, prize picks, and tocovas bring you this episode.

Speaker 144 And now it is down to one.

Speaker 90 And if you ask me, I mean, what a time we had.

Speaker 19 Three black songwriters to start.

Speaker 5 How much fun did we have with a little hit called Bags and Boxes?

Speaker 134 We met Johnny.

Speaker 17 Johnny, the teacher from Lansing, Kansai Yasuda, Celia Contreras, Joe Ellis, a full-blown Blackhawk helicopter pilot, 6-foot seven woman,

Speaker 70 badass.

Speaker 46 Sancha Pancha Villa, Keith Ray, Mike Ryan, and now there's only one person, if you ask me, that can end an episode like this, and it is the man with the all-time most appearances.

Speaker 45 Yeah, the most interviews ever in the history of the show.

Speaker 45 The first ever living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Here to increase his monopolized record.

Speaker 45 This is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Tacova's Tycoon, the Prize Picks Prince, and the Top Space Tyrant.

Speaker 11 This

Speaker 11 is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Speaker 113 Hello, my name is William Montgomery and I'm thinking about adopting Ja Rule.

Speaker 2 It was a long break, Tony.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 113 I like the name Thurston. First of all, sounds rich.
Second of all, he a thought.

Speaker 113 Lately in the mirror, I've been battle, practicing battle rapping people I'll probably never beat. Like, I've got a new brand new daughter, restless in bed.

Speaker 113 To help her fall asleep, I read the lyrics to Wright Said Fred.

Speaker 113 That's actually me if I was battle rapping, right, said Fred.

Speaker 2 It was a long break, Tony.

Speaker 113 Okay, this is sad. An Indian billionaire recently died when he swallowed a bee playing polo.
I didn't even know bees played polo.

Speaker 2 Okay, Tony, that's my time.

Speaker 84 William lights out Montgomery, the Takovas tycoon, the talk space tyrant, the prince of prize picks, has joined us again.

Speaker 48 Rubbing his eye, this is a new thing.

Speaker 15 Tony, we've never seen this before.

Speaker 96 We've never seen him rub his eyes like this.

Speaker 113 I've developed this very nervous tick ever since I found out about my carotid artery being clogged up, Tony.

Speaker 76 You have a clogged, caroted artery.

Speaker 113 I'm on statins now.

Speaker 53 You're on a medicine for it?

Speaker 113 I'm on statins, and it makes me fucking rub on my eye. I don't know if it's the statins.
I don't know if it's just a nervous tick, but be careful.

Speaker 113 Red Band, you really need to be careful because I feel like

Speaker 113 I've already rode almost 750 miles this year, and I have shit in my fucking carotid artery.

Speaker 73 So, Redband, you really do. I think Celia was right.

Speaker 117 I get checked every week, blood tested every six weeks.

Speaker 89 You get checked every week? I mean,

Speaker 117 I go to a doctor every week, and I get blood tested every six weeks.

Speaker 15 Dr.

Speaker 116 Pepper, What the fuck are we talking about right now?

Speaker 118 Who goes to a doctor every week?

Speaker 18 That should tell you how unhealthy you are if you have to go to the doctor every week.

Speaker 5 People with cancer go like every two or three months.

Speaker 56 Jesus fucking.

Speaker 76 You showing when an alcoholic's like, I drink every day and I'm fine.

Speaker 54 What are you talking about?

Speaker 39 Dr. Liver King tells me I'm okay.

Speaker 10 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 46 I think it's pronounced Burger King, Red Band.

Speaker 73 Okay. Red Band.

Speaker 113 No, see, I visit Red Band's mom every week, but I didn't really have time to say that.

Speaker 135 And it was weird.

Speaker 113 Red Band actually was with Liver King this past week when he was plotting against Rogan. So I think people need to know that.
Red Band was the one telling his ass to go after Rogan.

Speaker 113 So I think people need to know that.

Speaker 5 What an amazing thing is.

Speaker 15 That came from Red Band.

Speaker 113 Liver King was staying at Red Band's place. He was not staying at the Four Seasons.
Wow. That was not the Four Seasons.
That was Red Band's downtown penthouse.

Speaker 113 Seriously, Red Band, you need to stop fucking around with that guy. He got thrown in prison, dude.
Wow.

Speaker 39 Misunderstood guy, man.

Speaker 5 Wow. Absolutely.

Speaker 113 He's an innocent guy. Is that what you just said?

Speaker 56 Misunderstood, Isa.

Speaker 52 So, William, absolutely incredible set, as always.

Speaker 90 Tell us more about what's been going on with you lately, other than the carotid artery, which is clogged.

Speaker 113 Clogged. I have a 200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, and I don't even know what 200% means.
What does that mean? I only have five years to live?

Speaker 94 I don't know what that means.

Speaker 25 They said you have a 2000.

Speaker 113 200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, Tony. So I'm really at a weird place right now.
I don't know what to do, Tony.

Speaker 67 We just had the break or whatever.

Speaker 113 I've been chilling. I've been doing my puzzles, and I've just been relaxing, doing the row machine, because it's like I'm really, I'm probably gonna die soon.

Speaker 98 I'd lay off that row machine if your heart's fucked up.

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 98 Yeah, I would not exercise or do anything physical at all.

Speaker 5 Yeah, Joe DeRosa giving great advice. I mean, really, it's incredible.
The amazing medical panel here that I booked on Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 The man's a ticking time bomb, and he's doing a row machine?

Speaker 5 It's not a good idea.

Speaker 113 Well, I'll die on the row machine, dumbass, and I'll be happy. I'll die happy.

Speaker 2 On the fucking row machine, Doe DeRosa.

Speaker 5 Ooh, there.

Speaker 67 Whoa, Tony.

Speaker 39 I don't even know if I can yell anymore. That just made me lightheaded.

Speaker 73 you're so red right now oh stop this is the statin talking right now this is the statin talking right now

Speaker 113 wow so have you felt side effects of the medicine yeah tell us about them oh what happened oh my gosh well my eyes are itchy my freaking uh

Speaker 113 side effects with willing my toes are going numb which actually last time my toes were going numb was when it was when i was doing a bunch of cocaine so that's that's weird. My toes are going numb.

Speaker 113 Eyes are itching. My belly button, I cannot feel inside of it anymore.

Speaker 73 Because I love, people don't know this, but I love to put my little

Speaker 113 finger in my belly button when I'm trying to go to sleep and it because it would hurt. But now I don't even feel this.

Speaker 17 Oh, it's deep.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I got a deep belly button.

Speaker 58 There's an indentation on your shirt where your belly button is.

Speaker 3 Look at that.

Speaker 113 Yeah, this is what the trans woman's pussy looks like.

Speaker 10 Oh my God.

Speaker 64 Oh

Speaker 10 my God.

Speaker 64 Oh

Speaker 72 my god.

Speaker 113 Yeah, it looks like my fucking belly button. It's like nasty.

Speaker 113 But yeah, it's been fucking that doesn't feel like anything.

Speaker 113 I'm not going to bring up the doo-dooing thing because my father immediately messages me on Monday nights and says, you need to stop talking about that. But there's something going on with that.

Speaker 37 There's something going on with that.

Speaker 113 But I'm working it out, but there's something going on with that.

Speaker 40 Your dad and I are friends.

Speaker 26 We have a relationship. We communicate.

Speaker 40 And I'm going to to override your father.

Speaker 52 We want to know what's going on with your doo-doo situation.

Speaker 53 Really?

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 6 You really care.

Speaker 100 I normally hate it when you talk about it as well, but for some reason, I'm curious.

Speaker 113 I'm still just not. It's like every other day.

Speaker 91 You're constipated. Yes.

Speaker 58 And what are you doing to fight this constipation?

Speaker 79 Prune juice.

Speaker 113 It's just a bunch of prune juice, but

Speaker 24 okay, Red.

Speaker 37 Red band squeezed his fart noise in there, everybody.

Speaker 2 That's also what his mom pussy sounded like last night.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 64 William lights out.

Speaker 70 More Monday night, aren't it?

Speaker 5 No, I'm kidding. What do you love about it? Huh?

Speaker 5 What do you love about Monday nights?

Speaker 113 Being here, being around friends.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 113 Being around friends, being around family, being around all these nice people who always come to the shows, being around

Speaker 5 trans people.

Speaker 113 I actually got her fucking number

Speaker 113 when she left. I made it a point to go from the green room back there to get her number.
So, gonna be doing that later. And

Speaker 113 just living life, Tony, trying to have fun. Going down to Mexico, bought Xanax bars in Mexico a couple nights ago.

Speaker 142 Very nice.

Speaker 113 To sell them here.

Speaker 15 Oh, you're selling Xanax bars.

Speaker 113 Yeah, I'm selling Xanax again.

Speaker 93 Wow. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 113 But it's been so much fun, Tony. And I'm going to die one of these days.
And just know that I love you. I love all of y'all.
It's been a lot of fun.

Speaker 60 And

Speaker 113 until that day comes, I'm going to give it my all. We're going to see how long I can keep on going.
But it starts getting weird because you start thinking, ah, your

Speaker 113 carotid artery has a bunch of plaque in it. A 200% chance of death in the next 10 years.
So it starts getting weird.

Speaker 58 It is weird, but death is natural.

Speaker 12 You know, my grandma lived to be 100 years old, and I remember

Speaker 5 the last thing that she

Speaker 61 left me

Speaker 113 when she left me.

Speaker 116 She left me with bags and boxes.

Speaker 59 She left me.

Speaker 49 How about one more time for William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 87 We've done it again.

Speaker 50 We absolutely did it again.

Speaker 9 One more time for the great Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 44 Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube.

Speaker 87 The new special out July 21.

Speaker 49 Tim Butterly, the Tim Butterly Show.

Speaker 9 Metal Girl Solid.

Speaker 86 How loud can this place get one more time for Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly?

Speaker 45 Talk space, prize picks, Tocovas,

Speaker 9 D-Madness, Michael Gonzalez, John Dees,

Speaker 45 Matt Muelling,

Speaker 9 Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa.

Speaker 63 Bags and boxes she left me.

Speaker 50 I may have just killed a woman.

Speaker 44 We love you. Thank you.

Speaker 42 Good night, everybody. Love you guys.

Speaker 29 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 29 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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