#727 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill tony

hey this is red man coming live from the comedy mothership here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get up for toy it's clay

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John D's on the keys.

And this is indeed the one and only D-Madness live in the flesh.

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The number one live comedy podcast in the world.

And we're very excited.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?

Every single week I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show.

This is a special one because not only are these two of the greats, not only are these two guys up for for guest of the year right now, but it's also two of the younger Bucks that fucking just moved here from the East Coast.

Ladies and gentlemen, two of the greats.

Make some noise for the great.

Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Joe DeRosa tripped on his way out.

Absolutely perfect.

Millions of people saw it.

Millions of people saw you trip.

You tripped.

You could have done anything and you tripped the second you came out, you son of a bitch.

Dwart, the internet's laughing at you right now.

That was never there before.

Why did you add that set?

That is true.

There is a little lift there that wasn't there before.

Why is there a lift now?

Well, we have a brand new custom table, and it comes all in one giant.

This whole thing's a part of it.

It's a chunk.

Boy, you're all zipped up for 98-degree weather.

Oh, my friend, I got news for you.

Look at that.

70 degrees.

Flat.

54% humidity.

70.7%.

Because I knew you were going to talk shit about this light windbreaker being fucking zipped up.

Light windbreaker?

Why do you have it zipped above your Adam's apple race?

Because I like it like that.

I like it like that.

That's how I like it.

I protect my neck.

I don't know so that people don't see these little rolls that you have there.

Those are.

I did those on purple.

Hey, whose neck am I?

Joe DeRosa's neck.

Make some noise for the great Tim Butterly is here, everybody.

The newest resident of Austin, Texas, fresh this week.

Do you guys see how smoothly I walked out here?

Yes, not a single trip, no rolls in his neck, looking beautiful.

Making it look easy.

That's right.

Tim Butterly has the Tim Butterly show on YouTube and Metal Girl Solid.

He's on social media at Tim Butterly.

Joe DeRosa is a brand new special, July 21st at Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube.

You guys have both been guests on the show.

You know how it works.

For those of you that might not know, perhaps you're an innocent girlfriend dragged here tonight by your podcast loving boyfriend.

And you just hear us in the background and you don't know what he's laughing at every Monday at 8 p.m.

Well, over 200 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show.

They are stacked all together next door at a dingy bar, hoping that we pull their name out.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set.

And then I conduct an interview.

We find out more about them, what they could be talking about, what is interesting about their lives.

The entire thing is improvised.

Anything can happen.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

It's pretty.

I'm gonna tell you,

you're a pretty like polite audience.

The show's a little more rock and roll than that.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

There you go.

That's what we expect throughout the episode.

So if you guys need to order a shot at Tequila or something, fucking do it now.

Let loose.

You're in the middle of Texas at the number one comedy show in the world.

And we shall start it with a golden ticket winner, everybody.

We're going to get that other bucket pool wrangled from next door.

And while we do, we have a man standing right behind that curtain.

he won a golden ticket in Portland Oregon I do believe about five six seven years ago and he's here with a brand new minute starting tonight's show with a minute of comedy this is Todd Royce

what's going on Austin

I uh I don't know if this is weird when I was 13 years old my stepdad taught me how to masturbate

and I don't, listen, I give him credit because at that age, all of my friends were being taught the birds and the bees.

But Dale looked at me and was like, Todd's going to have to learn how to take care of himself.

So he called me into his room and showed me how to jerk off on a banana with a banana, his banana, his dick.

He jerked off in front of me.

And here's the weird part.

This is what has always stuck out in my memory is that he wasn't even erect at all, which hurt, you know, like,

well, look, I just feel like if you're going to sexually assault a child, you should be on your A-game, you know?

Like,

fluff it up a little bit, smack it around, or whatever you got to do.

Plus, how who can't get hard with these tits?

And I was young, they were perky, you know what I mean?

Like,

thank you.

One more, one more.

When he finished, he told, well, he didn't finish.

He wasn't like, watch, this is the best part.

But when he was done, he told me, whatever you do, please don't tell your mom about this.

And I immediately told my mom about this.

And, well, look, I'm sorry.

I know snitches get stitches, but if you show me your cock, I'm going to talk.

Thank you.

Okay, Todd Royce.

Welcome, welcome.

Is that true?

Did you get molested?

That's true, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

That is incredible.

This is starting to make more sense now.

Yeah.

Were you molested by the Burger King or something?

Who was this exactly?

What makes you want to eat obsessively after being molested?

I get hard every time I see a clown with some cheeseburgers.

Jesus, Red Band.

Again,

look at Red Band right now.

Look at Red Band representing Palm Springs.

Look at this.

And then you're making fun of me.

Do you realize how fucked up that is?

Red Band didn't say anything.

No, it was the only.

Oh, oh, I see.

You're right.

You did make fun of him.

You He's twice the weight as me.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Twice the weight as a red band, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's get back to this molestation thing that you tried to fucking segue into Red Band's fat jokes, which doesn't really work.

That's like me calling Joe DeRosa gay.

Like I'm gayer than Joe DeRosa.

That is true.

So you calling Red Band fat really doesn't work at all, even though when you're not here, he is morbidly obese.

Right.

But you, my friend, I mean, you have hours to live.

So I want to get this interview.

I want to get to it here.

This is absolutely incredible, Todd.

By the way, real quick, D.

Oh, wow.

Okay, you go right the fuck ahead, Todd.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

Welcome to Kill Todd, everybody.

Brought to you by carbohydrates.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Good Lord.

Sorry, you're right.

Go ahead.

You're goddamn right.

Son of a fucking bitch.

I want to talk about you getting molested.

Okay.

The world wants to know.

So take us through it.

Who was it exactly?

It was my third stepdad.

Your third stepdad.

Wow.

Yes.

I know steps are rough for you, but stepdads, that's incredible.

Holy shit.

I've had more dads than I've had girlfriends.

Okay, let's just stick with the interview, Todd.

This whole fucking riffing thing in between everything really isn't cutting it for me.

So let's talk for a second because I need to gather information about this.

It's your third stepdad.

Yes.

So what's wrong with your mom?

How many, what is going on there?

How many stepdads have you had?

Five.

Jesus Christ, she marries all these guys?

Well, yeah, that's how they became my stepdad.

Yeah, but that's crazy.

Does she know you don't have to marry every fucking guy that throws it in her fucking dilapidated, dilapidated?

I want you to hear dilapidated vagina.

I need to make sure you hear me talking about your mother's vagina very clearly.

That makes no sense there whatsoever.

Now I'm just being fucking bombarded from every angle from fat guys.

All right.

So, your third stepdad, and what exactly does he do to you?

Did he really use a banana?

No, no, no, no.

That was the...

He actually showed me with his dick.

He pulled his pants down and showed me how to masturbate.

Uh-huh.

And he was just doing it to himself.

He was, yeah.

And then, and, but then he did, you know, when you show someone how to do something, you want to make sure they learn.

So he had me show him that.

You do it.

So you did it.

How old were you?

13.

Wow.

That was the first time you masturbated?

That was the first time I masturbated.

Pretty late.

13 is kind of late, right?

This is about 11, 12, 11.

12, 11, yeah.

Well, I've been humping the floor for a while.

Ah, see?

I think that's actually why he wanted to show me somebody dropped some chips down there.

Yeah, exactly.

Humping the floor.

Look at you.

You can't even do that now with your dick touching the floor.

Your dick's elevated if you lay down on your belly nowadays, isn't it?

A little bit.

A little bit.

A little bit less.

That's why I was glad when he wanted me to show him.

At least someone could look at it.

So incredible.

So did you masturbate to completion in front of your third stepdad?

I did not.

No.

Wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

Did you get hard?

No.

No.

Believe it or not.

So you failed?

I did, yeah.

I am not good at masturbating.

And you're not good at getting molested.

What a buzzkill this is.

Yeah, no, I know.

You're supposed to fucking like, come.

Am I right, PayPal?

All right.

So anyway.

Was it at all like

learning how to drive where he's like, you're doing it wrong?

Yeah.

Well, it was a lot like, you know, you have to like work the shift and everything like that.

Feather it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

No, it was, uh, there was a couple times where he was like giving me instructions.

He's like, no, not like this, like this.

And just, you know,

this feels very awkward.

This feels like a really weird meeting.

This is the...

welcome to Kill Tony

This is the interview portion of the show where sometimes we talk about things that you don't get to control Todd.

It's true.

This is like I feel like your sixth stepdad right now teaching you how to go through an interview process

And you are soft.

That is

Todd.

I will say I thought your material was excellent.

Oh, thank you.

I actually thought, I think you, because it actually did happen, I think you have to figure out a way to make the audience realize like, no, you're telling the truth at that that point.

Because when you switched into the real, like, I thought you were just going for shock value.

I was like, oh, none of this part actually happened.

The first thing did.

But the whole thing was fucking great.

I think you just have to figure out how to push that second part into the audience believing, like, oh, no, he's really like, this is for real.

He's opening up about this, but making it funny.

Okay.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Yeah.

I will say the profuse sweating is getting you halfway there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's believable with the sweating.

You are a moist, moist little pudding ball.

I'm getting that.

yeah.

But you're happily married now, right, Todd?

I am married.

I've been married for 18 years.

Wow, 18 years.

Wow, and what does your wife do for a living?

She is,

I'd imagine, she professionally is an air fryer.

Is this an air fryer you got married to?

I love that you think he would use an air fryer.

No, she must be a professional, what, a microwave repair woman?

What exactly does she do for a living?

A grocery store cart pusher?

She must be a fantastic chef, right?

Does she cook for you?

She does, yes.

Yeah, what does she make?

What are some of the...

What did you have yesterday for dinner?

What did I have yesterday for dinner?

We had, we had, well, I was flying down here.

We had eggo waffles.

So perfect.

Perfect.

I'm sure your doctor would be proud.

I'm sure your doctor's saying you're not getting enough eggo waffles for dinner on a Sunday evening.

My favorite part of that was watching him mentally scroll through which dinner yesterday

and landing with all the pressure millions of people inevitably watching this.

You landed on eggo waffles being the answer.

I was trying to impress.

It was actually store-brand waffles.

It wasn't even ego.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Have you had any pedo thoughts or like gay things in your head since being molested?

Great question, Red Band with a great quest.

Always the best questions.

Have you had any pedo thoughts?

Fucking.

He's definitely had pito thoughts.

I've had Cheeto thoughts, but no pedo thoughts.

Wow.

So incredible.

What ended up happening to this third stepdad?

Have you ever checked in with him?

Yeah, he died.

He died a few years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Died from.

Obviously, died from disappointment from you not getting that sweet little hard cock.

I have a real question.

Did anything from the lesson stick with you?

Just the memory.

Just the...

Just the video.

I do remember

he wasn't erect at all.

Like, he was not, he was just, he was just flapping in the way.

I was hard as a rock, but he didn't.

Maybe he's just a, maybe he was trying to be cool.

Maybe.

Have you ever thought about going around and helping a 12-year-old boy?

Well, getting back to Reggie, I have.

Yeah.

A nightmare.

Sounds like someone's biggest fear.

All right.

Kirby, get away from me.

Okay, red band.

Todd, very fun times.

You did it again.

So many great appearances on this show.

Thanks, man.

Thanks, Doug.

Thank you, guys.

Ladies and gentlemen, getting it started, Todd Royce.

So now we move to the bucket

where anything can happen.

A lot of these people we meet for the first time.

This young man, we actually know.

He works here at the Comedy Mothership.

They all sign up every week.

Every once in a while, we pull one of them out.

This guy's one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

Let's see a brand new minute from J Legend, everybody.

Jay Legend.

Hell yeah.

I just had a daughter 10 months ago, which is a dope experience.

She's so precious and small.

I'm looking at life through a different lens now.

I got to protect her.

You know, like I just re-watched the movie Taken for the first time as a girl dad.

It's crazy because I'm looking at Liam Neeson in this movie.

Like, I want to be like this dad, right?

His daughter was kidnapped in Europe.

He was given a 36-hour window to save her life.

And in 36 hours, he flew to Europe, killed 40 dudes, and brought his daughter the fuck home.

And I'm like, that's how you operate.

If your daughter kidnapped, you get your ass up and you go get her i can't do it but you should try if you got the ability right there's too many things that have stopped me from being that dad the first thing that'll stop me was he bought a flight to europe the same day

the same day my nigga to europe all the way no layover that's crazy right plus i don't have a passport okay so now now i'm four weeks behind the 36 hour deadline trying to set up a payment arrangement with the killer to see if I could cash app him $200 to put my daughter at the back of the line.

It don't work like that.

It'll be a different movie if I was in it.

It'd be called Gone Forever.

You're not going to.

Yo, that's my time.

I'm Jay Legend.

Wow.

Exactly one minute.

Stunning performance by Jay Legend.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Amazing.

What's up, Tony?

Hell yeah.

Everything about that joke feels real.

Feels like you would do that.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

Welcome, welcome.

So, Jay, remind us how long have you been doing stand-up six years where are you from i'm from chicago originally started comedy in florida okay started in florida you've seen the bean in chicago yeah yeah

touched it flicked it peed on it drunk once wow incredible you people really do some crazy things

So Jay, how's life now?

How long have you lived in Austin?

So I'm going on like a year and a half.

I've been here.

It's great.

The whole first year I moved out here without my kids.

They were back home in Florida.

How many kids do you have?

Two.

Son and a daughter.

And

came out here.

They live in Florida?

No, they moved here.

They live with me now.

Okay, yeah.

I finally got to move them out here and it's been dope.

Perfect.

Are you still with the baby mama?

No.

No.

So you have your kids just to yourself?

No, she here too.

Okay.

She's here too.

So you guys.

Co-parent.

Right.

Co-parent.

Hell yeah.

And what does she do?

Does she paint nails?

No, I just pay all the bills.

She works at the DMV?

I pay everything, and she just watches the kids she just watches the kids yeah all right easy living red band's freaking out over here

so she just watches the kids and you're able to support yourself her and the kids yeah with the comedian the budget of a comedian hell yeah how do you do it explain to these people how you pull it off jay legend who are you stealing money from

Nobody, man.

I just non-stop work.

I work here as a door guy.

I get whatever work I get from here.

I'm on a road with David Lucas.

I'll feature him sometimes, so that pays a lot of money.

I'm out on the road.

You and David Lucas on the trying to support our children tour.

That's what it's called.

You know, we start this next year.

When it starts, yep.

It's fucking incredible.

What am I doing wrong with my money?

I'm single.

I have nothing.

And every month I'm terrified of being broke.

And then I'll meet a waitress who's like, I have six kids.

I'm like, I don't understand how it's possible.

Well, they're not tripping when they walk out.

Big shows.

How many video games am I buying?

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's incredible, man.

Yeah.

It's hard.

It's hard.

I can't do what I want at all, but you know, fuck it.

I nutted in her, so these are the consequences.

These are the consequences of nutting and a woman, Tim Butterly.

There's probably some money in making a black version of Taken

and calling it took.

You guys have a good night.

Yeah.

It's a movie about you and Wallets.

I thought it was like a slavery thing, but cool.

Oh, well, it really plays both ways.

Tuck already happened.

That guy Todd, he's got a movie coming out.

It's called Bacon.

Oh,

shit.

So, Jay, tell us, what's something crazy that you do for fun when you're getting away from the kids and the baby mama and everything?

What's something, other than stand-up comedy, what do you do for like a little release?

You have any idea?

I don't know.

One time I got, like, I did some mushrooms and I wrote a song.

That was fun.

Wow.

Yeah.

You like wrote the lyrics to a song?

Hell yeah, bro.

Okay, so I was going through the first breakup with my baby mama.

And we were moving out of the apartment.

And she just like took the kids and moved in with her mom and left me in the house.

And I was did mushrooms after an open mic.

And I came home and I couldn't sleep at like two in the morning.

So I wrote a song.

That was fun.

How does the song go?

Do you remember it?

Yeah.

Come on, tell us.

How many of you want to hear Jay's song?

Jay Legend making his musical debut here live at the mothership in front of millions of people.

That's crazy.

And here

we go.

So she left me.

I was single at the time.

I was hurt.

So these are the lyrics.

The song is called Bags and Boxes.

It's called Bags and Boxes?

Yeah, because that's all she left me with.

Oh, she packed bags and boxes.

All right, cool.

All right, here we go.

Okay, bags and boxes.

Coming up.

Not gonna be good.

You left me

alone and afraid.

And you left me

here to deal with this pain.

And you left me

with a pictureless frame.

And all I have to my name

are the bags and boxes you left me.

Did I do this alone?

And you left me.

And what I thought was my home, and you left me.

And everything is all gone.

And all I have

to my name.

I love it.

It's better than a modern day Will Smith, that's for sure.

Bags and boxes.

So I was broke as fuck.

I didn't have nothing but bags and boxes and some mushrooms.

I love it.

Those are some good mushrooms.

Those are great mushrooms because that song fucking sucks, dude.

You left me.

Tony, don't make fun of my hurt, man.

Aw, it's adorable.

Jay, great stuff.

Fun times.

Red Dan.

I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Hell yeah.

I'll be there.

Appreciate you, dog.

you already have a big joke book right yep jay legend

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Oh

my god, we know what that sound means.

It is indeed the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

My goodness.

Wow.

With bags and boxes, you left me.

It's actually kind of catchy.

He sucks at singing, but if like a real singer sang that, that'd be great.

You left me.

Alright.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pull.

We're going to meet them all together.

It is Ram B.

Ram B.

Hello, hello, hello.

So I was recently in Wisconsin.

Anybody from Wisconsin in the house?

All All right.

Normally there is, which is crazy.

So I played a new game called Do Hard Drugs and See Who Turns to Jesus first.

Yeah, I hadn't played this game yet.

I was at the bar.

One girl that was like 40, I'm 47.

She was another girl that was like 25.

We go back to the apartment.

We hanging out.

They doing lines and shit.

Talking about...

Oh, yeah, you should see my white veil that I go to church in.

Oh, my God, you go to St.

Bernard's?

I go to St.

Oh my God, Augustine, we should go together.

And I'm like, you you know what?

I think Ram B just won the drink game of see who turns to Jesus first.

Because I just did a little bit.

They was doing rails and went all the way, you know.

Yeah.

My daughter said she saw Jesus at her bedside once.

And I thought it was a Mexican dude named Jesus and his protective father.

I was ready to throw hands.

You know, I was ready to go for it.

Then I realized I had to ask, hey, you got to ask Jesus a question.

I don't know how you're here because I definitely pulled out, you know?

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

All right, Ram b

you know i'm still thinking about the song you just sang for us a second ago

that's uh starting to grow on me a little bit

with bags and boxes you left me

hey hey

this show is out of control ladies and gentlemen.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

It's a different guy, everybody.

It's a different guy.

That's a new one.

I'm going to have to download that one.

The funny thing is I do rap and sing, which is hilarious to me because I wasn't expecting that standing back there.

I have no idea what you just said.

Ram B, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Since 2021, so four years, Bob.

Yeah.

Since 20 what?

2021, so about four years.

Okay, four years.

What do you do for work?

I used to do a lot of physical jobs like machining and stuff like that, but now I'm actually doing like phone customer service.

Phone customer service.

You do that from home or you do that from like an office?

I just started, so it'll be an office, yeah.

Okay.

All right, real cool.

Yep.

Okay.

And what was the job that you had right before?

How long have you been doing that?

I'm like a weekend.

A weekend.

Yeah, I just started.

I meant training.

You know what I'm saying?

Right.

I got it.

So what was the job you were doing right before that?

I was moving people's apartments, like moving people.

Oh, shit.

Damn, it's I know you looked at me like, you don't look like you can lift a couch.

No, that's it.

Yeah, I know.

No, it's uh, it was too back breaking, and I got a bad back, so I said, all right, I'm done with that, you know?

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay, Ramby.

What's your love life like?

I am single.

Yeah.

I had a girl for a while, then moved to Austin to do comedy, and she didn't want to come.

So she's up in Wisconsin?

Yeah, and that's no longer a thing.

We don't talk.

How long has it been since you talked?

February?

February.

Yeah.

You miss her?

Honestly, yeah.

But, you know, not enough to care right now.

You know what I mean?

I'm going to kill Tony.

I'm not thinking about that.

You know what I'm saying?

Right?

I got bigger fish to fry.

You feel me?

Bags and boxes.

With bags and boxes.

Bags and boxes.

Hell yeah, Ram B's getting into it.

All right, all right, all right.

Show DeRosa.

I'm I'm not going to be able to sleep because that fucking song.

It's going to be crazy.

I'm going to be in a padded room six years from now.

That's me.

God damn it.

It is getting catchier by the minute.

It turns out anybody other than Jay Legend singing it makes it a perfect song.

Ram, have you ever written a song or done anything other than stand-up comedy of the other challenge?

I actually rap for about 25 years.

Oh, no fucking way.

We got to hear you rap, dude.

It's not going to be funny.

It's just going to be.

We want to hear.

Yeah.

Is it an original?

You have your own raps?

Okay.

Let's get a little beat from Michael.

Let's see.

It'll be kind of slash rapping and singing.

It'd be more slinging.

Whatever you want, but just give them the one, two, three, four.

I called my babe back.

Oh shit.

She didn't pick up.

I'm sitting in a forte.

I ain't got no pickup.

She ripped my heart out.

Oh, we got Gory.

I'm singing the same song as many before me.

But I

left me

with bags and boxes.

you left me.

Hey!

Bags and boxes.

Motherfucking bags and boxes.

The little joke bug.

Ram B.

Oh, yeah.

We're flying through it here tonight.

We're having a good old time.

We're at fun

times, Ram.

Come back.

Sign up again sometime.

We're gonna keep it moving.

We having fun here tonight, huh?

All right.

I think you guys all understand what the show is.

Anything can happen, and it's completely retarded.

All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Darren Jones, everybody.

One minute uninterrupted for Darren Jones.

Oh, wow.

I don't know what's going on.

Must be a black thing or some shit.

All right, that's cool.

But I heard they put

abortive fetuses in some vaccines.

That shit tripped me out when I first heard it.

I'm like, damn, man, I'm glad I didn't get that shot.

I had blended baby in my motherfucking arm, boy.

Like, depending on who got the abortion, you're gonna have the essence of a trauma-filled bitch and an unwetted seed in your motherfucking vein.

She would have fucked my circadian rhythm up.

Nigga wouldn't have been able to get no motherfucking sleep.

But human beings, they fucking resilient, though.

It was this this dude who was protesting climate change and he set hisself on fire.

I'm like, damn, what's the people who blocked the road to do that shit?

Fuck yeah, Darren Jones.

That's a good one.

I think the first joke kind of like got unheard or something.

We were all laughing at the fact that you're black.

It's a thing.

It's a thing.

The property values in the bucket bucket are plumbing.

And I rapped the last time I was up here, too, and I seen a black guy rapping coming out.

I'm like, ah, shit.

Yep.

Yep.

My favorite thing I've ever seen on this this show was when the third Black Dude and Roar came out, you reached in the bucket and started feverishly mixing it up as if that was gonna defect it.

Did you overseason the bucket tonight?

Does this bucket say KFC on it somewhere?

Joe, what the fuck, man?

Shit, I'm sorry.

I have a special coming out.

I'm sorry.

So, Darren Jones, welcome to the show, my friend.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

About two and a half.

The closer three, probably.

Years.

Yes.

Okay.

Where are you from?

Dayton, Ohio, man.

The best city in the fucking states.

Ohio.

We know it very well.

How long have you been in Austin?

Since January last year.

Since January of last year.

What made you move to Austin?

Comedy.

You wanted to do comedy.

Yes, sir.

Hell yeah.

What made you wait so long to start doing open mics after moving in January of last year?

I started right away.

You mean January of this year then?

Nah, last year.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Yeah, I got up here.

What's like September?

Yep.

Got it.

Got it.

What do you do for a living?

I work in a fencing yard.

You work in fencing?

Yeah, I manage a fencing fencing yard, yeah.

A fencing yard.

So you're in charge of putting up fences.

Yeah, I work the shit out of the Mexicans.

Okay.

Oh, I thought he meant like N1 sword farting.

Yeah.

Could be.

Could be.

It's amazing.

Dude, your comedy is, I thought it was great, man.

And I think like the fact that you're one of the most natural comics I've ever seen.

Like, you figured out the hard part and the jokes were funny.

Like, I feel like you got a nice road ahead of you, man.

For real.

I really appreciate it, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just got to stay more consistent.

But if you have a song.

Have you ever written a song, Darren Jones?

I wrote a lot of songs.

Wow.

What is happening tonight?

This is amazing.

This is the first time ever where all the bucket pools have been the exact same human being.

It's never happened before.

Over 700 episodes.

Normally people are different sometimes.

Sometimes it's people with different stories and lives, but not tonight.

Just slightly different hairstyles from the bucket pools.

Perhaps there's a

wig person.

What would we call them?

Predator.

Unbelievable.

Now, the more important question is, do you have a song you can sing that we can then hijack and turn into bags and boxes?

My friend, you can turn any song into bags and boxes

it's possible to do with anything

uh so what is a song that you it's an original song that you've written yeah okay i gotta i gotta think of one though man okay while you think about it i'm gonna ask you some more questions what's your love life like i'm single man single yeah have you been hooking up with some random girls in texas Oh, yeah, I got a couple of girls.

So how does that happen?

Where do you meet a girl?

Where does a guy like Darren Jones meet a girl?

I met one at the...

I don't remember where I met these hoes.

I think I met one actually walking down here somewhere close to this

campus, yeah.

So on the street, and what do you say to somebody when you meet them?

How you doing?

Same shit, everybody else, say something.

Wow.

Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do to these thick white women that you're spending sex with?

Am I right?

Are they thick white women that you're having sex with?

Nah, I wish.

Shit, I need some big pussy.

Right.

So you're with black women?

One Mexican, the other one Mexican.

Oh, they're both Mexican.

One Mexican, the other one Mexican.

One Mexican, the other one.

Big suspense.

Wait for it.

Mexican.

But one California Mexican, the other one Mexico, Mexican.

Oh, shit.

They're both about to be back in Mexico, Mexico.

Because we are cracking down.

Sorry, horn players.

Shit is going down.

All right.

What is it about Mexican women that you like so much?

We ain't got a lot of them in Ohio, man.

You are correct, Open.

Yeah, it's like Benny Hanna's.

You don't always want the same flavor.

You know what I'm saying?

You might like vanilla alley time, but shit, I like to switch it up.

You feel?

My friend, I'm not only a fan of what you're saying, but I'm also a fan of Benny Hanna's.

I appreciate the Benny Hanna's explanation there.

Even at Benny Hanna's, sometimes steak, sometimes shrimp.

I'll catch it in my...

Right from the chef's paddle.

Okay, so

just me connecting with my new black friend, Darren Jones.

Darren, what do you think is the blackest thing about you?

Shit.

Probably my mentality, really.

Explain what you mean by that.

I love that answer.

Explain to these white people that drove 45 minutes from their ranches in the country what exactly you mean by black mentality.

I know y'all know the word, but y'all know it like I do.

I'm a nigga to the core, man.

Oh, I love it.

Keep going.

Keep going, Darren.

You're just scratching the surface here.

When you say to the core,

explain to these innocent whites what you mean.

Oh, man.

Damn.

How can I explain being a nigga?

Oh, this is perhaps the greatest moment in the show's history out of nowhere right now.

No, no.

Don't go to John D.

No, John.

I'm not letting you take over.

I want a pure answer from Darren.

And then we'll check in with John Dee's when he expects the

show DeRosa.

This is about to be the best TED talk I've ever heard.

Okay, go ahead.

What do you mean by to the core?

It just means I'm black as fuck, man.

I wouldn't want to be any other thing.

You know what I'm saying?

When you think of the stereotypical black man, I like watermelon, chicken.

Oh, hell yes.

I love all that shit.

You know what I'm saying?

You like sleeping in late?

I wish I could, but I love it.

Yeah, if I could, hell yeah.

I'd like to be late every day if I could, too, but shit, I guess I ain't that fucking black because I'm on time.

So we're finding out.

We're finding out you're not quite as black as you thought you were.

Hey, man, don't be so hard on yourself.

What's your credit score?

Yeah,

what do we got for a credit score?

Like 720.

Wow.

Oh, the crowd goes wild.

720, ladies and gentlemen.

Better than Joe DeRosa's.

He's got no kids.

Absolutely.

But I do own a ColecoVision.

Sorry.

That's we got it.

What's your mouth?

All right.

So, Darren, have you thought about the original song?

Yeah.

You just give us a line or two.

I wrote this when I was like,

I say about 21.

I'm 37 now.

So, this is a 16-year-old song.

Wow, Red Band's immediately attracted to it.

16-year-old song.

It's right in your ring.

All right, Kayser girls.

It's true.

Y'all want the hook?

Let's do it.

Okay.

It's about selling dope.

Oh, I love it.

I love selling dope.

Let's go.

It was, if you need a quick fix, you know where to get it.

You know I supply it with that shit up in my kitchen.

The shit up in my kitchen is that shit that I be whipping.

Equations to how I weigh it.

I doubles my coefficient.

If you know math, then you probably get it.

The vad the blow never subtract money, always addition.

Emerald the chef in the kitchen with this yay that I'm whipping.

I'm out of mathematician with this coat that i'm flipping

hell yeah

absolutely

uh

he's rapping about crack and crack rocks is let's bring it back to bags and boxes

all right

Fantastic.

Fun times.

Darren, here's a little joke book.

Fun times, sign up again.

Come back.

Do it again.

Do it again.

Do it again.

Ah, bags and boxes.

She left me.

Olivia loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Good night, itchy eyes.

Good night, sudden sneeze.

Good night to your symptoms of allergies.

Xyzole is the allergy medicine you take before bed.

It provides powerful relief while you rest your head.

Not just all night, but all the next day.

Xyzole keeps working, keeping allergies at bay.

And without those annoying symptoms disturbing your rest, you can wake up the next morning feeling your absolute best.

Remember, be wise all takes xyzol at night.

This appears as if though the name will set us apart and break the streak.

It's almost disappointing at this point.

But let's see what happens here.

Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Johnny Morny, everybody.

Johnny Morny all right

hi I'm Johnny Mockney I'm a teacher during the day that's my day job

I teach high school seniors they're eight years younger than me

they uh it's weird being so close in age to your kids because they they know your weaknesses you know like I had a kid show up 10 minutes late for class and before I could say anything he was like Mockney mark me tardy if you're gay I was like fuck

I was like, You and this one, kiddo.

And they get involved in your personal life too.

Like a bunch of my kids found out that I had this breakup because the picture of my girlfriend disappeared from my desk.

So they're all like, Mock me, what happened to your girlfriend?

Don't worry, Mock me, we'll find you a new girl.

We'll hook you up with someone.

I was like, Guys, guys, that's what parent-teacher conferences are for.

I'm gonna fuck all your moms.

I've been clocking this class since day one.

I know who doesn't have a dad.

I'm well aware.

I know who doesn't have a dad, and I know who has two cool mops.

So

that's my time.

Thank you.

Johnny, mock thee.

I see.

Those are ours.

Though your C's look like ours the way you write them.

You do that on purpose?

No, no, no.

Has anyone told you that your C's look like ours?

No, you're the first, but this is a huge credit for it.

So I'll...

It's a big deal.

Yeah.

It's a big deal.

Okay, Johnny, what do you teach exactly?

I teach AP Lit.

A.P.

Lit.

At a high school?

High school, yeah.

Wow.

And you are.

You're a young guy for that job, right?

And that's here in Austin?

No, no, that's back in Michigan.

Oh, you work in Michigan.

Yeah.

Okay.

So they have young people teaching young people there.

Yeah.

Okay.

There's a shortage.

Where exactly in Michigan?

Lansing area.

Okay.

And that's where you're from?

That's where you've lived your whole life, obviously?

I moved around a lot as a kid, but that's where I settled.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sorry.

No, it's okay.

A fly just hit me in the head really hard.

So hard that it actually blew my head back.

I've been assaulted by a fly.

It won that round.

But I will get it by the end of the day.

So, Johnny, how long you been doing stand-up?

About eight years.

Eight years.

Yeah.

Okay.

And what do you do for fun, Johnny?

Tell us about your life.

You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking let it rip.

Definitely never written a song before, am I?

Never written a song.

Exactly.

No,

gosh, I mean, I do stand-up, go to the movies.

I go to the movies alone sometimes.

I think it's better alone.

Fun sneaks up on me, Tony.

I don't know.

I can't.

I wish I knew.

That's a weird thing to say.

Yeah, yeah.

Fun sneaks up on you.

What the fuck does that mean?

What exactly do you mean by that?

I'm trying to say, like, I don't know what my hobbies are on paper.

I think they just.

What ethnicity are you?

You appear to have some kind of Asian-esque eye.

Yeah, okay.

I'm half Thai.

Half Thai, and the other half is.

Polish, Polak.

Ah.

Okay.

There's one class.

The Tai Pole.

Yes.

You're a Tai Pole.

Yeah.

The rare tie pole.

Yeah.

Do you ever feel extra tie?

Are there times where you feel like you're Thai?

No, well, I think the Asian and Polish cancel each other out, so I'm like, I'm like okay at math, you know, like it's uh

that's true.

I could see why that would work, yeah.

How are you at driving?

Decent at driving.

Decent.

Yeah, yeah.

Totaled my car only once.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's that's about 50%.

50% Thai.

Appreciate it.

Most Thai people total their car twice when they're your age.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, Johnny.

I thought I really enjoyed your material quite a bit.

Thank you.

It was great.

But my question, this is a real question.

You can come on a show like this and say wild shit like that and you don't have to worry about your job.

He does.

He has to worry about it.

We'll find out.

Yeah.

Michigan, also.

You're like, I know what I'll do.

I'll fly to Austin and get away with it.

No, you won't.

Well, luckily, a lot of people in Lansing, Michigan don't have a Wi-Fi, so

it's an absolute dreadful place.

If you bounced around a lot, what made you land in Lansing, Michigan?

Well, I'm from DeWitt, Michigan, which is by there.

And then we moved to like, we were in Texas for like a year or two.

We were there.

We were in Mississippi, Chicago, and then I was in Thailand actually for like two and a half years.

You move around a lot.

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of bags and boxes, one per time.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, D-Madness is back, everybody.

You say Michigan three times, D-Madness pops up out of nowhere.

I love it.

Johnny, tell us one more thing absolutely crazy about your life that makes you different that people would find interesting.

You know HGTV?

There's an episode of House Hunters International about my family.

We moved to Thailand.

It's called Returning to Thai Roots.

It's my one TV credit.

Wow.

So yeah, you can look that up.

Okay, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this.

You bought the house before they filmed the episode.

Like, you're already in the house.

You have to make it look vacant.

Oh.

So I put all, I was like 11, 12 years old.

I put all my stuff in drawers, and then we pretended we were looking at it for the first time.

Oh, my God.

Now,

it was when you were 11?

I was

2012.

Oh, okay.

I would have been 13 at the time.

What makes you think you're not allowed to speak about what went on behind the scenes at HGTV?

What do you think the consequences of that might be

versus you being a man that handles young children coming on a show like this?

I think your concerns are out of whack right now, Johnny.

That's fair.

I'm afraid the property brothers will come fuck me up, I guess.

I don't know.

How long are you in town for?

Till July 8th.

I'd love to have you on the secret show, Thursday.

Wow, look at that.

Red band booking

real human beings on real shows.

Johnny, fun times.

Here's a big joke book.

Congratulations.

There you go.

Johnny

Morkey.

Morky.

How fun.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are at the part of the show where I am going to ignore the next bucket pool and bring up an unbelievable golden ticket winner.

Perhaps one of the people's absolutely favorites of all time.

He is back in town from Toronto Canada where he lives, where he spends most of his time famously eating ramen noodles.

This is the return of Kansai Yasuga.

Adigato.

Hi guys.

I'm a bilingual.

I speak Japanese and English.

And I feel like I have a different personality in each language that I speak.

Like, English canse is more confident,

but Japanese canse is like more, it's like a little pervert.

Like, for example, when I see a beautiful woman walking on the street,

English Kanza goes,

I want to hit that ass.

But Japanese counselor goes,

I want to get onto a crowded Japanese train

and casually tap that ass.

When I'm having a sex,

English consular goes,

I want to pound you all night until you break down, girl.

and Japanese Kansai goes

I have a work tomorrow

has done it yet again

the little Japanese Canadian hybrid hero of the show

We love Kansai, a master at the interview portion, a man who with calculated, crisp answers to every single question.

Yes.

A legend.

A legend of the game.

He spends, for those of you that don't know, spends hours a day sitting in a ramen restaurant in Toronto, Canada, slowly sipping hot broth.

And sometimes he will grab chopsticks and deliver actual physical embodiments into his mouth and then chew them and swallow them.

Am I correct, Kyle?

Yes, that is what you love to do.

You love that more than what?

More than my.

Oh, almost got in real trouble there for a second.

But my girlfriend works there.

I know.

So

best of both worlds.

Everything is there.

Everything is there in Tondo Ramen.

Now let me ask you something.

Very famously, the last time you were on the show, we did a thing that we do sometimes where we read Yelp reviews.

And we famously read the Yelp reviews of your favorite ramen ramen place.

Ryuku Shinmen Tondo Ramen.

You say it best.

Say it to that camera over there, that blue light.

And action.

Action.

Ryukyu Shinmen Tondo Ramen.

Yes, everybody loves it.

So

since we read those reviews, word on the street is that it's kind of blown up a little bit.

Have you noticed it getting busier?

It blew up.

It brew up.

It brew up.

It brew up.

It brew up big time.

It's just like my country.

Yes.

Yes.

It's not the first time Americans have blown up a Japanese location.

That's a really good point.

Did I mention now's a good time to invest in Halliburton, everybody?

So Kansai, you're seeing it.

You're seeing people come in and do people recognize you since you're famous for sitting there?

Yeah, they come and then they say hi.

It's a lot of Kill Tony fans coming in there.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Is the owner happy with me?

Owner's out.

Yeah, he's like,

Tony.

Yeah, I love that.

That's what I love.

Yeah.

That's exactly what I love.

Amazing.

And your girlfriend's happy about it?

My girlfriend's happy.

Yeah, she's the only Filipino and

half Filipino in a restaurant, so it's very easy to recognize.

Right.

And I.

Well, for some people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's up?

That's a good point.

Very good.

Great point.

So we have some reviews here.

Current reviews of Ryuku, Shinman, Tondo, Ramen.

One five-star review from Jordan F.

My friend Tony recommended me to try this place.

You need to try it if you're in the area.

Derek L.

five stars one month ago.

Went there recently on a work trip.

Was recommended by my good friend Tony.

Love this place so much.

Okay.

All right.

Joe R.

one month ago.

Five stars.

If it is good enough for Kansai, it will be good enough for you.

My friend Tony said you will not leave hungry.

Incredible.

Absolutely amazing.

Jason at five stars one month ago.

Great food and great service.

I really enjoyed my visit.

Thanks to Tony for the recommendation.

Just to be sure, can we see if any of these guys are also reviewing like bathhouses?

Thank you to our friends Tony and Kansai for the recommendation.

John Kay one month ago said, I heard about this place from some guys named Tony, Brian, and Kansai.

Everyone should be going here for ramen.

The whole place is absolutely incredible.

Eating here is just the golden ticket.

Heidi and the band are planning on coming soon too.

Wow.

Our fans are completely insane.

Let's go.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

So, this is happening.

Are there any one-star reviews recently?

Let's see.

That's how we normally do this.

Just five stars.

Sometimes you have to balance the scales a little bit.

Yeah, there it is.

Click on that thing.

Ooh.

Oh, no recent ones.

It's all old.

All of them are six years ago or more.

Absolutely incredible, Kansai.

Yeah!

Wow.

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

So tell us, what else has been happening, Kansai?

Anything else going on in your life that you're excited about?

I am

going

tour.

Oh, you're going on tour?

Where are you going to go?

Canada.

Oh, wow.

You live in Canada.

Yeah.

Very exciting.

But you're doing other cities in Canada.

Oldest, yeah, oldest city in Canada.

Right.

Thank you too.

Edinburgh.

Yeah.

Edinburgh?

Edmonton.

Edmonton.

That's UK.

Ottawa.

Ottawa.

Vancouver.

Vancouver.

Victoria.

Calgary.

Calgary.

Calgary.

Calgary.

Oshawa.

Oshawa.

New Newfoundland.

Newfoundland.

Newfoundland.

Newfoundland.

Halifax.

Halifax.

You ever perform stand-up in Japanese?

In Japanese, it's really hard for me.

It's really hard for you?

Yeah, I'm not funny in Japanese.

Okay.

But you say you're bilingual, so you can talk in Japanese.

It's just hard to be funny in Japanese.

Yeah, it's a different type of humor.

Right.

Yeah.

Plus all the bowing fucks up the timing.

Yeah.

Do you have any jokes in Japanese?

Can you do one short joke in Japanese?

Okay.

Yeah, go ahead.

Ladies and gentlemen, performing in Japanese.

In Japanese.

is Kansai Yasuda.

Super Asian.

Ah.

Kansai, Kansai, Kansai.

Very good, Kansai.

Another amazing performance.

You are truly one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world.

Enjoy your Canadian tour and your newfound fame and your delicious ramen.

Are they giving it?

They give it to you for free now, right?

Free ramen, yes.

Every day.

Free ramen.

Every day.

We're feeding them, people.

I'm getting five.

Kansai Yasuda.

Reaping the benefits.

Check out my tour, please.

How do people get tickets to your Canadian tour?

Go to my Instagram.

What?

Wait, what did you say?

Go to your what?

Instagram Instagram Instagram Instagram Instagram

yeah

Kansei comedy Kansai Comedy that's K-A-N-S

E-I very good yes

comedy one more time for Kansei Yasuda ladies and gentlemen

back to the bucket we go I pulled one of the names of a young lady.

Ooh la la Heidi.

Oh my goodness gracious.

How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen?

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder.

Because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Uh, this young lady was pulled out of the bucket in Phoenix, Arizona years ago.

It's been a while since she's been on the show.

This is very exciting.

Make some noise for Celia Contreras, ladies and gentlemen.

So I on a rape whistle

because I like to blast off a little tune before I get started.

I went hitchhiking recently and all my friends and family said stupid ass shit to me.

They're like, what if you get raped or kidnapped?

Y'all see me, right?

If somebody raped or kidnapped me, that motherfucker earned it.

Do you know how hard it is for guys to fuck me with my consent?

I have to spread my legs as far as I can on them down there with a Call of Duty headset and give them directions.

You're gonna go six clicks to the north.

You're going to go through the main tunnel.

The two smaller tunnels on either side are dead ends.

And at the end of the night, they still jizz on my thigh.

And at that point, I just want them to go home.

So I'm like, good job, soldier.

He did your country post.

Wow.

Exactly a minute.

Celia Contreras.

is back on the show.

Hello, Celia.

How are you?

I'm going through a lot right now.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

I wasn't supposed to be here.

I was supposed to fly back to Phoenix.

I live there.

I moved back.

Uh-huh.

But my friend fucked me over, ghosted the show he asked me to be on.

So I was supposed to leave Saturday or Sunday, and now I'm here till Friday.

Okay.

And then you're going to Phoenix.

Yeah.

And you're going to do a show there.

Well, I live there now.

Oh, you live there now?

Yeah.

Okay.

So you're back in Phoenix.

Yeah.

I love Austin and I love Texas, but my heart belongs to Arizona.

I'm sorry.

Right.

That makes sense.

What do you love about Arizona?

What exactly is it?

Well, I didn't know what the dry heat was until I came here.

Uh-huh.

That's part of it.

But also, I'm smarter than everybody in Arizona because we're 49th in education.

Right.

Right.

So I just kind of miss shitting on everybody in Arizona.

That makes sense.

That makes sense.

And that's Phoenix where you live?

Yeah, I'm Phoenix now.

I'm born and raised Flagstaff, Arizona.

Okay, very good.

You're fantastic at comedy.

Remind us, how long have you been doing it?

My nine-year anniversary was in May.

Okay.

Nine years.

And what

did you survive solely off of comedy?

Stand-up, doing stand-up?

For the last two years, yes, and the kindness of strangers and friends.

And also selling titty pics to lonely men online.

Wow.

Okay.

What is a titty pic from Celia Contreras run exactly?

Like, here's the thing: it's the same with my tarot card readings.

Like, it's like, if you're lonely enough, if I think you're going to kill yourself, it's free.

Okay.

And it's, and it's legal to be topless in downtown Austin.

So there's some people who like, it's like, this motherfucker needs a win.

They're not the best titties, but here you go.

Right.

Okay.

Wow.

You are.

Lately, $25 to $50 online.

Joe's about to kill himself here.

Dude, I love Joe.

We had a heart-to-heart about Lord of the Rings.

Wow.

He's trying to get in your mortality.

Just sign the guest book on the way out.

We talked about Lord of the Rings, but I said that I was not a huge fan, correct?

You want me to lie for you right now?

No.

Oh.

What did I say about Lord of the Rings, though?

What did they say?

Dude, you told me to watch the one with the shadows in the background.

Yeah, the cartoon from the 70s.

Yes.

And I'm halfway through that and I fucking love it.

But the thing is, like, I need to pay.

It's only an hour long.

I'm troubled that you had to split it up into parts.

To be fair, by the time I have to watch it, we all know I'm an alcoholic.

I drank Tony's Crown.

That is true.

Yeah.

But, like, I can't process new shit.

Like, I can't watch something new if I'm writing jokes and/or if I'm trying to fall asleep.

Otherwise, I'll stay up all night trying to watch shit.

Okay.

Or I'll just completely miss the show.

So I've actually tried to re-watch it like four times and I love it, but I'm trying to write jokes.

I don't, you could just set aside time to watch something.

Are you writing?

What is are you writing, like, I mean, your comedy is very funny.

So if that's what it takes, that's great.

Well, it's comedy and my major because I have bipolar disorder.

Okay.

So, I have to fill that out where I'm like keeping track of how much alcohol I have.

And I normally do good until about 8 p.m.

That's how most alcoholics are.

Yeah.

Yeah.

8 p.m.

I know what I am.

Yeah.

I'm working on it.

No, that makes sense.

Did you say?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Go ahead.

No, I was going to say, did you say you also do tarot card readings?

I do tarot card readings.

I can kind of do a palm reading.

And yeah.

Oh, shit.

What do we got here?

This is your dominant hand.

This is my dominant hand.

May I?

Please.

Oh my god.

Ow.

Sorry.

That's my hitchhiking thumb.

I might have to hitchhike back home after Friday.

We'll play by Aaron.

But this, this is your lifeline.

So it's pretty long.

Sweet.

So

at the very least, you're not going to die at least until your 60s or 70s.

Let's go.

Wow.

All right.

This is your romance line.

I don't know your relationships at all, but it's kind of like on this weird linear path.

It should go here.

Well, it's kind of going this way, but that's a faint line.

So, uh.

Does it say anything about possibly getting my dick sucked by my wife tonight?

No.

Fuck!

Damn.

So close.

These three lines here say you'll have at least three kids.

I do have three kids.

Wow.

Look at that.

Hey, come over here.

Read Red Band's lifeline real quick.

I'm really curious.

Hold on.

I am too fat to walk over there and look at Red Band.

Red Band, go over there real quick.

I want to know.

I got to know what his lifeline's looking like.

For those of you that don't follow him on Instagram, he posts pictures of every disgusting meal that he eats, which is every night in the middle of the night.

Always sugary, lots of carbs.

He can't stop posting about it, even though I make fun of him every single day about it.

He'll literally post, oh, my girlfriend made me fried donuts at 3 a.m.

So I just can't imagine how long is that lifeline Red Ben doesn't have a lifeline, he's a drive-through line

What are we looking at, Celia?

Real quick, Red Pen, do you have your affairs in order?

No, like you have like five splayed lifelines, but like they don't get to here, so

you might die sooner than you want to.

That's one possibility.

But it could mean you'll live longer, but you're just going to have a fuck ton of like health problems.

Perfect.

So like we're talking heart disease.

That fly just flew out of his ear.

Is that a good sign?

Also, I missed you guys.

Come on back, Red Band.

You look fantastic.

Look at this in-and-out bag coming towards me.

Absolutely incredible.

There you go.

Sit down.

Celia, fun times.

Anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on?

Well, a lot of crazy shit, but like, I'm not going to bore them with it because it's crazy for me, not for them.

I love it.

Tony, can I ask you a question?

Okay.

I meant you to sign my Marriott card from when we went to celebrity theater, but could you sign this wristband for me?

Okay.

Yep.

I'd really appreciate it.

Yes, absolutely.

You hate to see a wristband drop in value like that.

It's instructions on.

You're now her emergency contact at her rehab facility

Celia here's a here's a big joke book you got it I'm gonna try to aim it right at those fucking money bags there you go yeah you see that that's how you do it you just fucking

sometimes you gotta use the old bread baskets there one more time for Celia contreras everybody

All right, we're having fun in here tonight.

Okay

We're gonna meet your next next bucket full altogether.

It goes by the name of Joe Ellis.

Joe Ellis.

Joe Ellis.

My name is Joe Ellis.

I have served in the military for 16 years as a Blackhawk pilot.

Yep.

Happy Pride I've been fired by President Trump.

He said, you're fired.

Yep.

So I figured I'd start my career in stand-up comedy.

I hear it's very lucrative.

So here I am first time signing up and this is exciting.

I'm not sure if you could tell that I was trans.

I'm always like kind of self-conscious about my voice.

I figured it'd give me away.

But men I've been with lately actually said it was my dick.

Yep, so that answered that question.

Being fired is not the only surprise I've had this year.

I was also accused of crashing my Blackhawk into an airliner in DC

back in January.

I don't know if you all saw that.

It kind of blew up online.

There it is.

Yeah.

Yeah, trans terrorists that committed a murder-suicide, killing 67 people, including myself.

And during the doxing process, when I was number two on Twitter that weekend,

they found out I'm converting to Judaism.

And so, trans and Jewish, if you haven't noticed, my hobby lately is collecting identities that people hate.

Thank you.

Holy shit, Joe Ellis.

I have a thousand questions.

I'm so excited you're here.

Let's check in with Tim Butterly first, Tim.

It's just a crying shame that the military let a female black hawk pilot go just for having a white cock.

Yeah.

That's a great point.

You are

a

powerful, powerful presence, Joe Ellis.

Welcome to the show.

How long were you in the military for?

16 years.

16 years.

And you really

got released recently?

I am currently in the process of separation.

And how exactly were you informed why or how that happens?

They said, hey, you're a tranny, you're getting fucking kicked out.

Is that true?

I mean, they didn't say it like that, but the executive order came out and they said all trans out of the military and I was one of them.

So 16 years, do you get like all your benefits and stuff?

Is it kind of like a good separation?

Not really.

Really?

What's the downside?

Can you kind of explain it to us?

Because we have no idea how it works.

I'm being discharged under a code

that means I'm a national security concern.

Interesting.

Same thing that they discharged gay people out of during prior, you know, don't ask, don't tell.

So how long, you've been in the military 16 years.

How long of that were you a female?

Does this make sense?

It does.

So I transitioned in 2023.

During the Biden administration when it was allowed.

And then the new administration came in.

They said, sorry, but because you did that, now you're disqualified.

So, when you say that you transition, does that mean like you just

let your hair grow out?

Like, what exactly does that mean?

Yeah, I started hormones.

I call them my titty skittles.

I grew these.

These are natural.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then I got a face surgery, which I paid out of pocket for all this, $60,000 for this beautiful face.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

And I've I've been shopping for vaginas lately, but I haven't done that yet.

What is the shopping process for vaginas like exactly?

It's crazy because I still kind of have like a guy brain.

So like I shop it like I'm shopping for cars on Facebook Marketplace.

Yeah.

Like, you know, I'm just like, oh, check out this one.

I found out there's two types.

Uh-huh.

There's a full depth and a no-depth.

Oh, why would anyone want a no-depth?

I don't know because it's like getting a Lamborghini without an engine.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

It's like having a little kiddie inflatable pool in your backyard instead of the deep dive with a diving board.

Joe DeRosa is freaking out right now.

We're going to let him ask this question.

It's hard as a rock.

Can I beg you?

Can I beg you to not get the vagina?

Don't ruin this beautiful thing you've done.

Keep the wonderful cock.

I mean,

that's awesome.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It does play well in certain demographics, like by women, men in their 40s.

all right we'll talk yeah Joe DeRosa famously got his dick sucked at Skank Fest and John oh no that's not the story we heard actually with yeah you got a wait you gave it a blowjob no no no no no no you gave a blowjob

I would tell you I would tell you I have no I have no shame right

it's okay you don't have to you don't have to just make noises just because you're excited now but don't I have questions for you Joe Ellis so I've always wondered what this thing is like.

So

first of all, like when did you start to think that you're a woman?

Like was it when you were a kid or is it something that

yeah so five years old I had symptoms but because I grew up in a conservative homeschooled religious household My dad worked for Pat Robertson at CBN, you know, that kind of environment.

Yeah.

I didn't know what it was.

I just thought it meant I was a bad person.

And then when I was in Army training in Sears School, which is an intense survival survival school, I was locked in a box as they do for about 12 hours.

Were locked in a box?

Were you locked in any bags?

Were you locked in bags and boxes?

Yeah.

Everyone just wanted a million dollars.

It's a reference from earlier.

Don't worry about it.

Okay, so you were locked in a box.

And very hungry, very tired.

And that's when I just started having these epiphanies that like I couldn't push it away anymore because I was so exhausted.

I was like, oh shit.

I think this means I'm trans.

I guess I have to deal with this when I get out.

And I sought therapy and that's how it started.

So you could say the Army transed me.

Very interesting.

Why did they put you in a box?

Well, that's just part of the POW training that you go through.

Okay.

And when you say you were five years old and you started having symptoms, what exactly does that mean?

What were those symptoms?

I would steal my sister's clothes and dress up and then be scolded for that being a terrible thing and boys don't do that and

lots of gender envy so like just seeing women and just being envious okay of them so now I'm going to ask you questions about the penis vagina thing

which I find so interesting because you can come right now fuck yeah right that sounds a lot like me

so you can come Now,

help me to understand, because I'm just like, it's like I'm blind to it, right?

Sorry D-Madness, but I just simply don't understand the idea of giving up coming forever to have just a physical thing.

Can you kind of like help me to understand that?

It's so advanced now.

Most people can still come afterwards.

You can come with a depth vagina?

Hell yeah.

Wow.

And there's butt coming too.

Butt coming.

Buttcoming has entered the chat.

Thanks to our senior butt coming correspondent Brian Redban.

Butcoming, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

Is there a percentage of

possible failure with the in-depth vagina?

I've probably, like I said, I just started shopping recently.

So

an interesting thing.

So,

Joe Ellis, so what are you doing now?

Now that you're out of the military,

what's your new plan?

Well, I do IT to pay the bills.

And I've been a fan of comedy since I was a teenager.

The vicious circle, Dane Cook era was huge to me.

And just Richmond, where I'm from, gets a lot of great comedians, Tom Segura, Louis C.K.

coming through this year.

And I just, I always go to shows, and I was like, oh, I would love to try that sometime.

But until the crash rumor happened, I was nervous.

So that's real.

So that crash rules.

Yeah, all that was real.

Female pilot of the Black Hawk helicopter and someone started a conspiracy theorist that the female was actually trans and that it was on purpose.

DEI hire.

Wow.

And that was you.

That was me.

And you got doxxed for that.

Yep.

And now I'm suing in federal court.

Wow.

Who are you suing?

The news outlet that reported that?

Matt Wallace.

Okay.

On X or Twitter.

Wow.

Amazing.

That's incredible.

And he must have done no research.

He just heard it and ran with it or researched you and looked you up and just threw you under the bus.

First one to tie my likeness to the rumor.

We don't know if he started the rumor, but he had millions of followers.

He did the most what we can determine is damage.

So, and because I was a private person, I didn't really have a social media following or anything.

I think it's a good case.

Were you already fired from the military just before that, or did that happen all at once?

It kind of all happened at once.

The executive order came out, which meant it was coming, but I was still, you know, serving.

And then the crash happened that week and then I was named as as the pilot.

Okay, let me ask you this.

When you started taking the female hormones and everything like that, did you notice yourself kind of becoming a less tough soldier?

Does that kind of make sense?

Were you

sore?

Do you nag a lot?

Yeah.

I mean,

ladies and gentlemen, we have woken Osama bin Laden up from a nap.

My tits got sore because they were growing.

Right.

Yeah.

But

I was still mentally tough.

Like, I'm still mostly me.

Did it make you more emotional?

At first, and then I got stable on them in a few months, and I was good to go.

But you were in the military for a few months on medicine feeling kind of unstable.

Not unstable, no, just emotional.

Right.

So I was grounded from flying during that time and then put back into

service afterwards.

I was deployable within six weeks.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

So interesting.

And what types of things over your 16 years of military service have you done?

Did you go to the Middle East?

I did.

So before I became a warrant officer and a pilot a few years ago, I was a mechanic on helicopters.

And I doubled as a door gunner on the UH-60 during Iraq in 2011.

So I was a door gunner.

Hell yeah.

Wow.

And now you're about to bunker bust your dick off.

That's incredible.

This is absolutely amazing.

Speaking of that, if I could urge you once again to just keep the beautiful gift God gave you.

At least for one more night.

Yeah.

Cliko vision?

Red Dan.

Just don't do that anymore.

Okay.

So, Joe Ellis, explain to us what you're what you're, like, you want to do stand-up full-time now.

Do you live here in austin i do not i live in richmond virginia richmond virginia okay that must be a tough place for a trans person to live am i right you kind of get stared at a lot i mean like that i get stared at everywhere i go i'm tall i'm yeah all these things exactly no it's richmond is actually like a blossoming queer community you'd be surprised okay yeah that's interesting what's your type This could be anything right here.

What is the person that your type that you're most attracted to?

Yeah, I mean, I lean towards women, but since transitioning, I have tried, you know, men.

So you're kind of a lesbian.

Kind of.

I've got some stories.

A lesbian with a penis.

Built-in strap-on.

Oh, I got a story about that.

Absolutely incredible.

Like, what is a story?

When you say you have stories, I agree with John Dees.

I do believe it was on this.

Who said that?

Let's hear it.

Yes.

Since I've tried it all now since coming out, lesbian women have been interesting because some of them like that I have a dick and some of them don't.

And some of them are like, well, I'd rather use toys or whatever.

And I've got skills, I can do that.

But one time, this one girl handed me, it was in a box, it was a toy, and it was a fucking strap-on.

And I was like,

yeah.

It was offensive because it didn't have like vibrations or lasers or any cool shit.

It was like as if I went and got mine made into one.

And I was like, I mean, I still fucked her with it.

Wow.

That's incredible.

So you put it above your penis and just.

Yeah.

Wow.

I mean, it's great if you want to do like DP, like like double penetration oh my goodness i that's amazing red band is in his glory right now i don't think i've ever seen him more happen

also

joe uh speaking of toys i have uh what's called a coleco vision

I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but I'm happy to show you.

That's for zero penetration.

Joe Ellis, I like your style.

You're getting a big joke book.

There's a black one.

How about that?

Boom.

Oh, she catches like a woman, everybody.

The transition is happening.

Catches like a real woman, not like a guy that was in the military for 16 years, but like a brand new female.

Now, I'm going to hand this to you, but you need to promise you're not going to try to turn this into a little joke book.

I promise.

That's funny.

Joe Ellis, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Joe Ellis.

Fun times.

All right, your next bucket pull is on the inside.

A comedian from around here.

He's been on this show before.

Make some noise for Keith Ray, ladies and gentlemen.

Is Keith Ray around?

Keith Ray?

We have movement by Keith Ray.

I'm not seeing movement.

Oh boy.

What a disaster.

Keith Ray.

Our paz on them.

Our paz on them.

Our paz on them.

Fuzzy.

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How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

It's pretty good.

Pretty good ratio there.

You can turn down the inside lights.

They're grabbing him.

Here he comes.

It's Keith Ray from the very, very back of the room.

Here he comes.

It's a long walk to the top.

If you want to rock and roll.

All right.

One more time, ladies and gentlemen, for Keith Ray, everybody.

A little about me.

Obviously,

I'm a big fan of the little mermaid.

Yeah.

Not so much Ariel.

I like that Ursula.

Yeah, I like that big bitch.

She got ride or die bottom bitch energy.

That's the kind of chick you can start an insurance fire with.

And she's got eight legs.

That's four pussies.

I know math.

She's got them big old squid tits.

Big old sack of mud titties we call them back home.

Kind of tit you can smack one tit and it'll roll out

Come back

like the tide

big old sheet cake lunch lady jugs

kind of titties got the brown stain on the bottom from dipping in the manwitch juice

I like a bitch so big her titties start in the middle of her back come swooping

All right, Keith Ray with a full presentation for those of you that remember Ursula from the Little Mermaid.

Wow, Joe DeRosa.

Keith, I never thought I'd see a comedian that made Uncle Laser look distinguished.

But dear lord.

That is incredible.

It's quite the breakdown of Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

I don't even remember what that looks like or what it is or anything, really.

I'm a big Little Mermaid.

You've seen The Little Mermaid a lot?

John Dee's just made a noise back here.

She's a big bait.

Oh, yeah.

I get the point.

She's a big girl, but a a lot of...

Oh, yeah, that one.

You watch The Little Mermaid a lot?

When I was a kid.

When you were a kid.

Okay, and you still got her on the mind.

There's still time to catch Celia on the way to the airport.

That is true.

That is true.

A lot of bags, one box.

Keith Gray.

So remind everybody, how long you've been doing stand-up?

12 years.

12 years.

And you live here in Austin.

Tell us about your life.

Well, I moved here back in 22 in January, and I lived in my van for four months.

And then I moved into a room for rent above the Chupacabra Cantina.

And

spent the next two years drinking myself into oblivion.

Yep.

And I was one of the original 15 door guys here at the greatest club on planet Earth.

It's true.

One of the original door guys here at the mothership.

And I was the first one fired.

That is true.

We all remember that.

You were very, very sloppy.

You would linger around until the wee hours of the night, keeping conversations going with absolutely anybody that would sit anywhere near you whatsoever.

And it was unbelievably annoying.

You were a terrible, terrible drinker.

Yeah, I was.

But you're sober now.

14 years of daily practice, I never got good at it.

And you're sober now.

Yeah, I quit after I got fired.

Right.

And last November, I got passed as a regular here at the club.

That is true.

He closes some of the shows.

I'm a little boy.

Late at night.

So, Keith, what did you do to quit drinking?

How does someone that made their entire existence drinking and how do you quit?

Well,

I left town.

I I thought I needed to change the scenery.

So I went to L.A.

for a couple months because that's like the worst drinking town in America.

Everything's so spread out.

And

started going to yoga every day because you had turned me on to hot yoga.

That's true.

Back when I was still in my drinking days.

That is true.

I insisted that you try hot yoga to try to reset something in your system.

Yeah.

And it worked.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Look at you now.

You can't imagine what he looked like before.

I was going to say.

You're sure you're going to hot yoga and not frozen yogurt?

I love it.

And then you got fat people at yoga class.

Keith, what else do you do when you're not doing stand-up?

I'm doing stand-up full-time now.

Right, but like what else?

Like at nighttime, for example, when you used to just get obliterated drunk.

What do you do now?

I don't know.

I I like to watch the Sopranos with my girlfriend.

Genius.

I love that.

That's pretty much.

I like a nice bowl of ice cream from time to time.

Okay.

I'm a big Oreos guy now.

Oh, look at that.

Yeah.

How many Oreos are we talking about, Keith?

I try and keep it in single digits.

If I'd have done that when I was drinking, I probably wouldn't have had to quit.

Hell yeah.

Try and watch my overintake.

but yeah, I'm a milk and cookies guy now.

I used to do Rails of Coke and drink bourbon by the fifth, but uh

milk and cookies.

Look at you.

Adorable.

Years away from being a mall Santa, assuredly.

Joe DeRosa?

I can't believe getting fired as a doorman was your bottom.

You've mentioned eight worse bottoms in this interview than the door guy thing.

Yeah, no,

I quit drinking because this club's a family and I wasn't gonna pick the bottle over my family.

It really is true.

He's loved around here.

Keith, a good set, rock solid.

You already have a big joke book?

No, I haven't done your show since it was in the belly room at the store.

Wow.

Well, guess what, my friend, Red Band.

And love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, Keith.

Keith Ray.

I love you guys.

Keith Ray.

This is definitely a new name.

I would know if I've pulled this out of the bucket before.

Very interesting name.

I'm excited about the Kill Tony debut of Sancho Pancho Villa.

What's up guys?

I know a lot of people can't tell most of the time, but I am vertically challenged.

I'm 5'1 on a good day

which is ironic because I'm actually into taller women

but not for any weird like fetish reason like most normal people

I just want to hopefully get one pregnant so that way my kids have a chance

at a normal life

but I can't date tall women anymore I can't do it.

My last tall girlfriend, she got mad at me because I was going to go out on a Monday night and do some show called Kill Tony.

And she was like, well, my horoscope is an asparagus or some bullshit.

And she needed to be nurtured and comforted.

So she's like, well, let's see how far you go without these.

So she grabs my keys and she throws them on top of the refrigerator.

So I can't date tall women anymore.

Thank y'all so much.

I'm Sancho Panchavilla.

Sancho Panchavilla.

I like the way you say it.

Sancho Panchavilla.

Thank you very much.

Sancho Panchavilla.

Nice to see you again, Tony.

Good to see you.

You've been on the show before.

No, we met around dinner like a few months back.

Around dinner.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I was leaving the restaurant and you were going in.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah.

And I met you.

Yeah,

I can't be specific.

I think it was like February 25th at like 5.03 p.m.

Wow.

All right.

There you go.

Amazing.

Amazing, Sancho Panchabilla.

Joe DeRosa.

I just saw it today.

You were great in 28 years later.

You were really.

For the people that saw it, that's very funny.

If you asked the women, it's 28 inches later.

Whoa, this guy's claiming he has a huge cock.

Is it as big as you?

I'm average for my size.

You are adorable, Sancho Panchabilla.

I gotta know, what do you do for work looking like that?

I have a part-time job as an operations assistant.

What exactly are you assisting in operations?

It's this.

Chocolate factory.

He's an umpa lumpa via.

That was my last job, but I got caught fucking Mrs.

Oompa Lumpa.

So

seriously, stick with the actual questions here.

What are you working?

No, I do assistant for operations for like a trailer repair company and like Kyle.

So I set that up so I could come here on Mondays to make sure I could sign up.

Okay.

So

what's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning, Sancho Panchabia?

Does someone have to let you out of the crib that you sleep in, or

you kind of crawl out on your own?

You kind of put a little

ladder there.

A grasshopper opens my drawer.

no I like to drink a lot so I just make sure I go check make sure I didn't crash my car

I mean that's

so when you say you drink a lot what do you mean exactly you go to bars well I was in the Marines so I have a high tolerance so I just I drink a lot you were in the Marines yes sir somehow sir this is crazier than anybody else we found out that did military service today I have a tattoo

Holy fucking shit.

It's on my license.

Oh my God.

What exactly did you do in the military?

Well, I was 5'3 when I joined.

Now I'm 5'1.

But no, that's true.

I was an engineer company, so we built stuff, blew it up,

and

yeah, just heavy equipment operations, generator, mechanic, stuff like that.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible, Sancho Pancho Villa.

Yeah, man.

Wow.

So when you say you drink a lot, like what does that mean?

Like two or three drinks and you're trashed?

No, like

maybe after like

five dough whiskey sprites and like seven tequilas and I'm buzzing.

Oh my god.

And what do you like to do when you get drunk?

Do you like flirt with girls?

I like to talk to married women, but no.

Is that true?

Yeah, no.

So

I got the nickname Sancho

by always like not caring who I'm flirting with.

Really?

Yes, yes.

What does Sancho mean?

It means like a side dude.

It's like a term of endearment in Hispanic culture for like a guy that sleeps with married women.

Really?

Yes.

So that really is a thing of yours.

It is.

It is.

Wow.

So how many, if you had to guess how many married women you've slept with, Sancho Panchavilla, how many would that number be?

Married women, because I also sleep with people with like boyfriends and stuff like that.

So married women.

So you're before you answer, you're specifically into women that have someone else.

Yes.

That's like a thing of yours.

It wasn't at the beginning, but it's just become.

So when you go up to a woman at a bar and you're like, hey, you know, what's up?

Nice to meet you.

Do you have a boyfriend?

And they say yes, you are into it more.

My first question is, how tall are they?

Is my first question.

How tall are you?

No, whenever they say, oh, I have a boyfriend, I'm like, okay, how tall is he?

Oh.

And then if he's not like over 6'5, I'm like, like, I can fight him.

You think you could fight someone that's as long as they're not over 6'5?

I know it.

I know I could.

I would almost argue that you have a bigger advantage over someone that's taller than 6'5.

You could shoot low.

Seems like you would get the fucking absolute shit beat out of you by a 6'3 guy.

No, I got like a strong job, but like I'll pick someone up and slam them.

I'm like, nah.

Okay, Sancho Panchabillo.

Has that ever happened before?

Have you gotten also if you squeeze his legs together he's got a really mean this thing

It's an action figure.

Oh my god Sancho Pancho Bill.

So let's go back to that number ballpark number of married women It's probably like not to be specific, but like 27.

Oh my god.

So have you obviously 27 right?

Yes, sir.

Even though I'm sure you're exaggerating by fucking like 26.

I'm not.

Not.

So,

I'm not.

I'm not.

So,

has there been times, obviously there must be, where you kind of got in trouble, kind of got caught, right?

The husband finds out, tracks her down.

She's at your place, something like that.

No, I always go to her house or her place, or we do it in the car.

Okay.

And then I'm 5'1 on a good day, so I I get out any size window so

what like in case the husband gets home early I can escape out any size window yeah I'd argue that

you have any special go ahead Joe DeRosa

maybe a bay window

You have any special moves in the bedroom, Sancho Pancho Villa?

How do you please these women?

What's your specialty?

Well, so I'm so short, I go up on women.

So, like, I start and I start like from the clit, and then you know, I start like kissing the thighs and stuff like that.

Usually, it's a lot of like vaginal play, and like that, just

vaginal play.

Oh, my goodness, yeah, so keep describing this vaginal play to us.

This episode is brought to you by Talk Space Prize Picks and Tacobas, by the way.

I forgot to mention that earlier.

They're gonna love that shout-out right there.

Yeah, man.

Because now it's part of an internet clip.

Okay, go ahead.

So like when I first joined the Marines, like my training sergeant, he gave me this book and it was like

how to complete a female orgasm.

And I read the whole book.

And so yeah, so

it just said like, oh, yeah, you know, you want to make sure that you do the alphabet and you do the ton tornado, you know.

And then I just make sure that they get close to climaxing, but I make sure they don't finish because I still want to fuck.

So like, you know.

You think if you make them finish, they're not going to want to fuck?

Um, um, yeah, no, I don't think that, but it's just a precaution.

Yeah.

You know, like,

have you ever, has that ever happened where you've given a woman an orgasm and then they don't let you fuck afterwards?

Uh, only when she's sobered up.

No, uh,

no, it's never happened, not yet.

Right.

And I hope it doesn't.

So, okay.

Tim Butterly.

Uh, I know you said you've sworn off tall women, but we had an absolute knockout blonde a couple of comments ago.

Now,

I don't think that's a good thing.

It kind of depends on how you feel about a shallow vaginal canal.

I think it's going to work perfectly for her.

Perfect.

It's perfect.

If that dick looks like the tater-tot that I'm picturing.

Hey,

but at 100 miles an hour, they're going to feel it.

You know what I'm saying?

Wow.

Is that what you do?

You have 100 mile an hour pelvic thrust?

Yeah, I don't look like that.

Can you show us can you show us what you fuck like can no not your dick just your hip movement while fucking man, like so like it's just like you don't need to fuck the desk We want you out there so that we could kind of see it go back that way take a step back right in that light right there.

Yes

So like I'm make sure I stretch so I don't pull anything

and then like I just like fucking oh my god

Wow Absolutely incredible.

One of the most disgusting episodes in this show's history.

This is not the first time I've asked this question on this show.

What the fuck is happening right now?

Yeah, man.

What is going on?

It is incredible.

This is a wild episode.

Sancho Panchabilla, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

I support this non-profit for veterans, disabled veterans.

Nothing better after 35 fast pelvic thrusts than giving a shout out to a good old non-profit.

What exactly is this non-profit that you're promoting right now?

Yeah, so it's it's it's aherousa.org

and um it's ran by my former uh you know commanding officer and it's just bringing a bunch of disabled veterans together through outdoor activities.

Yeah, amazing.

I love it.

Thank you.

Sancho, Concho, Via, here's the little joke book, or as you call it, a joke book.

hey

him and Joe Ellis catch this thing

that would be a magical a magical connection

all right let's get one more bucket pull in here make some noise ladies and gentlemen for Mike Ryan Mike Ryan

One thing that I've discovered about doing comedy comedy is that I don't fit in.

I don't fit into the comedy scene of Houston where I'm from.

I don't fit in with all these other comedians.

Mainly because, like, they all grow up class clowns or they're molested.

The lucky ones were both.

And I feel like at 37 years old, I'm too old for either of those things to happen for me.

At least without being my fault.

Like, if I get molested at 37 years old,

that's on me.

That's my bad.

What was I wearing?

It's been kind of a tough year.

They took away Pornhub in Texas.

Got so bad this morning I had jack off using my imagination.

Turns out I'm pretty fucking gay, dude.

I had no idea.

How am I supposed to tell my mom that I'm a Democrat now?

I'm not going to be one without the other.

Thank you.

Fuck yeah, Mike Ryan.

You've been on this show before, Mike.

Welcome.

Hey, Dunn.

Remind the people, how long you've been doing stand-up?

One year, seven months.

And what do you do for work?

I'm a logistics coordinator in a refinery.

Okay.

Like

an alcohol refinery.

A chemical refinery.

A chemical refinery.

What type of chemical exactly?

Olefins Olefins is what they use to make plastics.

Oh, okay.

Is that hazardous to be around?

Yeah, probably.

We're going to find out.

Yeah, we are.

God damn, that's pretty crazy.

How long have you worked there?

About two years.

Okay, and it pays well?

It's pretty good.

Long hours?

No, I probably shouldn't say this, but...

I don't work very much when I'm not on a project.

It's like, you know, it's really chill.

But when I'm on a project, it's 84-hour weeks.

84-hour weeks.

Oh, geez.

Whoa.

Yeah, I did the math on that.

That fucking sucks.

Holy shit.

Damn.

And is that mostly like sitting in a chair?

Like, what do you do?

Yeah, I'm in a chair.

So I coordinate the logistics, the shipping and receiving of everything that goes in and out of the plant.

Okay.

What do you do for fun?

For the last year and seven months, just comedy.

Other than that.

You must have some kind of hobby or something.

I like to hang out with my daughter.

That's pretty cool.

Okay, how old's your daughter?

She's 12.

12 years old?

Look at you.

I wouldn't have guessed that you came inside of somebody 12 years ago.

You would be very surprised, yeah.

Yep.

Yep, I am exactly that surprised right now.

But you only have one kid.

Yeah.

Amazing.

And what's that like?

Does the mom live near you?

About 30 minutes away.

All right.

And you guys switch on and off or whatever?

Yep.

Okay.

I got really lucky in the the baby mama department.

Never had a problem.

No fights.

Nothing.

Amazing.

That is amazing.

And so this 12-year-old growing up and 12 years old in the year 2025, what are you noticing?

What's going on?

Roblox is expensive.

Is she trans yet?

What's up?

She's getting nothing.

Oh, no, she's not trans.

She's actually going to church camp in like two weeks.

Oh, that's where you get trans at.

So perfect.

Yeah.

Amazing.

What exactly is church camp?

It's a camp.

It's actually here in Austin.

I forget what it's called, but

it's like a camp for girls that are Christian and like to hang out and have a good time at camp, I guess.

I don't know.

I don't ask too many questions about it.

I love it.

Yeah.

I should.

You could always just

trust the adults at a church camp with your kids.

What could possibly go wrong?

Anyway,

has she ever been to church camp before?

Last year It was her first year, yeah.

Okay.

All right, good.

So it's fine.

All right, good.

And yeah, Joe DeRosa, go ahead.

I have a question.

Red band.

Wait, I'm sorry.

Red band.

You guys are somehow both dressed like two obese Kleenex boxes.

It is shocking.

According to the law.

According to the laws of physics, one of you is going to disappear in a minute.

How are you guys both dressed like the big island?

Absolutely.

A year and seven months.

You're very slick with the comedy for that short a period of time.

Thank you.

I appreciate it.

I worked very hard at it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very good.

I actually, you mentioned the shirt.

I bought this shirt when I got booked to do Secret Show by Enrique because it matched the background.

Nice.

So Red Band did inspire this shirt.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That wasn't the backdrop.

Red Band was just standing behind you.

I love it.

Mike Ryan, what's something else we should know about you?

Something crazy about your life or some weird habit that you do?

What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

Not pray.

Yeah, but

what do you do?

So like I said, I work remote most of the time.

So I kind of wake up and just turn the computer on and then turn it on.

It's next to you in bed already?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm very lazy.

I don't know if you guys...

Yeah.

Do you jack off on the clock?

No.

I'm sorry, boss, if you see this.

Better than the high school teacher earlier.

I got the

camera on my laptop covered, so we're good.

Perfect.

Okay.

What about the microphone, though?

How much noise do you make when you jack off, Red Band?

You should hear him breathing throughout an episode.

It's absolutely incredible that it doesn't sneak into every episode every second.

But I get the amazing pleasure of hearing it out of my left ear for...

12 years now, everybody.

And now it's great.

Mike, I would love to have you back on the secret show Wow, look at that.

Look at that.

And you already have a big joke book.

Yeah, I do.

Okay, well, awesome.

Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes.

Mike Ryan, everybody.

Counts on a drown, baby.

And that is indeed your final bucket pull of the night.

How much fun have we had?

Talk space, prize picks, and tocovas bring you this episode.

And now it is down to one.

And if you ask me, I mean, what a time we had.

Three black songwriters to start.

How much fun did we have with a little hit called Bags and Boxes?

We met Johnny.

Johnny, the teacher from Lansing, Kansai Yasuda, Celia Contreras, Joe Ellis, a full-blown Blackhawk helicopter pilot, 6-foot seven woman,

badass.

Sancha Pancha Villa, Keith Ray, Mike Ryan, and now there's only one person, if you ask me, that can end an episode like this, and it is the man with the all-time most appearances.

Yeah, the most interviews ever in the history of the show.

The first ever living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.

Here to increase his monopolized record.

This is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Tacova's Tycoon, the Prize Picks Prince, and the Top Space Tyrant.

This

is the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Hello, my name is William Montgomery and I'm thinking about adopting Ja Rule.

It was a long break, Tony.

Okay.

I like the name Thurston.

First of all, sounds rich.

Second of all, he a thought.

Lately in the mirror, I've been battle, practicing battle rapping people I'll probably never beat.

Like, I've got a new brand new daughter, restless in bed.

To help her fall asleep, I read the lyrics to Wright Said Fred.

That's actually me if I was battle rapping, right, said Fred.

It was a long break, Tony.

Okay, this is sad.

An Indian billionaire recently died when he swallowed a bee playing polo.

I didn't even know bees played polo.

Okay, Tony, that's my time.

William lights out Montgomery, the Takovas tycoon, the talk space tyrant, the prince of prize picks, has joined us again.

Rubbing his eye, this is a new thing.

Tony, we've never seen this before.

We've never seen him rub his eyes like this.

I've developed this very nervous tick ever since I found out about my carotid artery being clogged up, Tony.

You have a clogged, caroted artery.

I'm on statins now.

You're on a medicine for it?

I'm on statins, and it makes me fucking rub on my eye.

I don't know if it's the statins.

I don't know if it's just a nervous tick, but be careful.

Red Band, you really need to be careful because I feel like

I've already rode almost 750 miles this year, and I have shit in my fucking carotid artery.

So, Redband, you really do.

I think Celia was right.

I get checked every week, blood tested every six weeks.

You get checked every week?

I mean,

I go to a doctor every week, and I get blood tested every six weeks.

Dr.

Pepper, What the fuck are we talking about right now?

Who goes to a doctor every week?

That should tell you how unhealthy you are if you have to go to the doctor every week.

People with cancer go like every two or three months.

Jesus fucking.

You showing when an alcoholic's like, I drink every day and I'm fine.

What are you talking about?

Dr.

Liver King tells me I'm okay.

Oh, my goodness.

I think it's pronounced Burger King, Red Band.

Okay.

Red Band.

No, see, I visit Red Band's mom every week, but I didn't really have time to say that.

And it was weird.

Red Band actually was with Liver King this past week when he was plotting against Rogan.

So I think people need to know that.

Red Band was the one telling his ass to go after Rogan.

So I think people need to know that.

What an amazing thing is.

That came from Red Band.

Liver King was staying at Red Band's place.

He was not staying at the Four Seasons.

Wow.

That was not the Four Seasons.

That was Red Band's downtown penthouse.

Seriously, Red Band, you need to stop fucking around with that guy.

He got thrown in prison, dude.

Wow.

Misunderstood guy, man.

Wow.

Absolutely.

He's an innocent guy.

Is that what you just said?

Misunderstood, Isa.

So, William, absolutely incredible set, as always.

Tell us more about what's been going on with you lately, other than the carotid artery, which is clogged.

Clogged.

I have a 200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, and I don't even know what 200% means.

What does that mean?

I only have five years to live?

I don't know what that means.

They said you have a 2000.

200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, Tony.

So I'm really at a weird place right now.

I don't know what to do, Tony.

We just had the break or whatever.

I've been chilling.

I've been doing my puzzles, and I've just been relaxing, doing the row machine, because it's like I'm really, I'm probably gonna die soon.

I'd lay off that row machine if your heart's fucked up.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would not exercise or do anything physical at all.

Yeah, Joe DeRosa giving great advice.

I mean, really, it's incredible.

The amazing medical panel here that I booked on Kill Tony.

The man's a ticking time bomb, and he's doing a row machine?

It's not a good idea.

Well, I'll die on the row machine, dumbass, and I'll be happy.

I'll die happy.

On the fucking row machine, Doe DeRosa.

Ooh, there.

Whoa, Tony.

I don't even know if I can yell anymore.

That just made me lightheaded.

you're so red right now oh stop this is the statin talking right now this is the statin talking right now

wow so have you felt side effects of the medicine yeah tell us about them oh what happened oh my gosh well my eyes are itchy my freaking uh

side effects with willing my toes are going numb which actually last time my toes were going numb was when it was when i was doing a bunch of cocaine so that's that's weird.

My toes are going numb.

Eyes are itching.

My belly button, I cannot feel inside of it anymore.

Because I love, people don't know this, but I love to put my little

finger in my belly button when I'm trying to go to sleep and it because it would hurt.

But now I don't even feel this.

Oh, it's deep.

Yeah, I got a deep belly button.

There's an indentation on your shirt where your belly button is.

Look at that.

Yeah, this is what the trans woman's pussy looks like.

Oh my God.

Oh

my God.

Oh

my god.

Yeah, it looks like my fucking belly button.

It's like nasty.

But yeah, it's been fucking that doesn't feel like anything.

I'm not going to bring up the doo-dooing thing because my father immediately messages me on Monday nights and says, you need to stop talking about that.

But there's something going on with that.

There's something going on with that.

But I'm working it out, but there's something going on with that.

Your dad and I are friends.

We have a relationship.

We communicate.

And I'm going to to override your father.

We want to know what's going on with your doo-doo situation.

Really?

Yeah.

You really care.

I normally hate it when you talk about it as well, but for some reason, I'm curious.

I'm still just not.

It's like every other day.

You're constipated.

Yes.

And what are you doing to fight this constipation?

Prune juice.

It's just a bunch of prune juice, but

okay, Red.

Red band squeezed his fart noise in there, everybody.

That's also what his mom pussy sounded like last night.

Wow.

William lights out.

More Monday night, aren't it?

No, I'm kidding.

What do you love about it?

Huh?

What do you love about Monday nights?

Being here, being around friends.

Wow.

Being around friends, being around family, being around all these nice people who always come to the shows, being around

trans people.

I actually got her fucking number

when she left.

I made it a point to go from the green room back there to get her number.

So, gonna be doing that later.

And

just living life, Tony, trying to have fun.

Going down to Mexico, bought Xanax bars in Mexico a couple nights ago.

Very nice.

To sell them here.

Oh, you're selling Xanax bars.

Yeah, I'm selling Xanax again.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's been so much fun, Tony.

And I'm going to die one of these days.

And just know that I love you.

I love all of y'all.

It's been a lot of fun.

And

until that day comes, I'm going to give it my all.

We're going to see how long I can keep on going.

But it starts getting weird because you start thinking, ah, your

carotid artery has a bunch of plaque in it.

A 200% chance of death in the next 10 years.

So it starts getting weird.

It is weird, but death is natural.

You know, my grandma lived to be 100 years old, and I remember

the last thing that she

left me

when she left me.

She left me with bags and boxes.

She left me.

How about one more time for William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen?

We've done it again.

We absolutely did it again.

One more time for the great Joe DeRosa.

Joe DeRosa Comedy on YouTube.

The new special out July 21.

Tim Butterly, the Tim Butterly Show.

Metal Girl Solid.

How loud can this place get one more time for Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly?

Talk space, prize picks, Tocovas,

D-Madness, Michael Gonzalez, John Dees,

Matt Muelling,

Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa.

Bags and boxes she left me.

I may have just killed a woman.

We love you.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

Love you guys.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripatx.com for tickets.

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